There is nothing worse than achieving your goal, becoming successful and... suddenly discovering that the people around you do not admire your victories or are not at all positive towards you, but rather feel envy. Envious feelings may cause them to act unkindly towards you, especially in the face of your own achievements or successes.
Psychologist Steven Stosny says that jealousy “makes you think the same thing over and over again, and the more you do it, the less you experience reality. All emotions have the illusion of certainty, and jealousy makes you confident in your perception of the world."
Everyone, at least once in their life, has felt these unpleasant emotions, and most likely much more. Although it seems much more difficult for us to cope with the fact that other people are jealous of us. At the end of the day, we can control ourselves, but we cannot control the emotions of others. Identifying the signs that someone is jealous can be the first step to fixing it.
Here are eight signs that someone is jealous of you.
1. False Praise
Sometimes, when someone is jealous of you, he is often the first to give a compliment, which, at first glance, sounds quite sincere. However, you will soon find that all these people will roll their eyes as soon as you leave the room.
They prefer to pretend that they are not jealous than to solve this problem. One way to put everything in its place is to give them sincere compliments, and be sincerely happy when something good happens to them. This will let them know that you sincere person, and will help curb their envy.
2. Downplaying your success
No matter what you have achieved or how hard you have worked towards your goal, envious people will always treat your victories as a fluke.
“The people who envy you the most are the ones who need what you have the most,” says M. Farooq Radwan, MS.
Under no circumstances should you follow their lead, this will only provoke evil tongues.
Remain reserved but confident. If you start to show off, envious people will most likely not change their attitude.
3. Flaunting your successes
An envious person may be more inclined to flaunt his successes than he really should. They can be proud of their achievements while you celebrate yours.
But why do they put their success first?
Maybe they are not as successful as you.
While it may be unpleasant, feeling down can only make them feel more justified in their behavior. Instead, offer them sincere praise for their achievements. Leading example - good way change someone's behavior.
4. They imitate you
An envious person alternatively wants to be better than you, and also to be like you. They may imitate the way you speak or the way you dress to feel more confident. Instead of letting it get you down, try to encourage them to go their own way. When they do their thing, give them positive reinforcement. Show them that they don't have to be you to become a person.
5. They compete
People who are jealous tend to be competitive because they always want to be the one to reap the success, or as the saying goes clinical psychologist Melanie Greenberg, they are “either insecure, arrogant, or out to prove superiority.”
While it may be tempting to tear them down, avoid unhealthy competition, or even refuse to participate. If they try to argue with you about a promotion at work, simply tell them, “This is not a competition.” Your refusal to play will reduce their attempts to take over you.
6. Celebrating your failures
An envious person, deep down, rejoices when you make mistakes or receive a reprimand. Although they may not show it, they often secretly enjoy your failures. Treat your mistakes with dignity! You can always remind them that mistakes are part of life and learning. If you are not upset, they are not getting the pleasure they would like to experience.
7. They gossip behind your back.
Envious people will always find a way to talk about you behind your back. It's not funny and what they say can be malicious and hurtful. The best way dealing with such people is simply confronting them directly. As author James Clear notes, “...other people's negativity is like a wall. And if you focus on it, then let it in. You will be blocked negative emotions, anger and self-doubt. You will always be thinking about what you are focused on. Criticism and negativity won't stop you from getting to the finish line, but they can distract you from getting there."
Since envious people don't tend to be outwardly confrontational, talking to them seriously about what they are doing may be enough to make them rethink their behavior or make them stop completely.
8. They hate you
If you know someone who hates you for some reason conceivable reason, perhaps they are just jealous of you. This is difficult to deal with because we often don't like being hated for no reason. You may feel the urge to show this person that you are quite a nice person. If you cannot charm them, then it is best to exclude them from your life. You don't need this negativity and they are most likely working on hating you for no reason. The best way to fix all this is to let go.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with someone's envy can be difficult. You may feel the urge to just tell them everything. But, when dealing with an envious person in a non-confrontational and in a positive way, is ultimately better for you and the other person. They may have a lot of self-esteem issues to work through, and your despondency will not eliminate their tendency to be jealous. Knowing these signs of envy will make it easier for you to communicate with envious people and allow you to deal with them in a positive manner.
We've sorted it out. I hope it helped. It definitely helped me. The time has come to “legalize” envy. I have personally met and continue to meet people who say that they have never envied anyone and do not envy anyone. And I believe them. And I think they were lucky. I wasn’t so lucky :) And I envy them. But not really anymore.
For some time I was sure: “being envious is not about me.” But, oh and alas, this turned out not to be the case. But after I admitted my envy, living with her became much easier. And yes, it has become much smaller. And life, as they say, has become easier and more fun.
I suggest you to own experience test Arnold Beisser's theory of paradoxical change (it describes the healing mechanisms of the human psyche): “Change is most likely to occur when a person gives up, at least for a second, the desire to be different and tries to be who he is.” And I would add: with everything he has. Including envy.
So to understand how to get rid of envy, you need to first understand how it manifests itself in you. To overcome the resistance of your psyche, I propose to take the following input data as a basis: everything is OK with you if you experience envy. You don't become bad person because of this. Envy is one of the experiences you go through. Let's try to build on this.
- consider yourself a “nonentity” (of varying degrees of “horror”) and suffer from it (most often without admitting to yourself either that you consider yourself a nonentity or that you envy)
- consider that envy is a forbidden shameful experience and fight it, for example, with the help of a game “ White envy »
- do not admit at all that you have envy, push it out of consciousness and all the time face a feeling of vague anxiety and apathy
- to be desperately offended by the injustice of the world, fate, the universe or God (underline as appropriate) with a variety of internal experiences and external behavior arising from such resentment
- destroy oneself with self-criticism, sometimes bordering on “self-criticism”
- destroy relationships with those you envy
- in extreme cases, continue to plot intrigues of varying degrees of “dirtyness” against those whom you envy and yourself, your “beloved”
Navigation for the article “Envy: how to get rid of envy?”
How does envy manifest itself? Why do people envy
Claude Adrian Helvetius, philosopher
To understand and find out how envy manifests itself in you, consider clear example. For ease of explanation, why do people envy, I chose a relationship option that is familiar to everyone: two friends, and one of them gets a new blouse. Instead of the notorious blouse (that is, the object of envy - what I envy), maybe, as you understand, anything:
- material: housing, car, country house, country, city or area of residence, kitchen renovation, travel, TV, salary, business...
- intangible: appearance, husband, love, children, friends, family, abilities, talents, position, status, social circle...
- even spiritual: the degree of spirituality or “advancedness”, the presence of altruism, the possession of personal freedom, the scale of personality... and even “he does yoga better” :)
One of my friends told me how he became envious at a retreat (spiritual practices of yoga, contemplation, awareness, etc.). His level of spirituality was not as spiritual as others. And, of course, in the place of a friend (that is, the object of envy - whom I envy), there can also be anyone: from a relative (even the closest), a neighbor or colleague, right up to Bill Gates or an “enlightened master”.
Envy, like any human experience, manifests itself in us as human beings on several levels: the level of consciousness (what I think), the level of emotions (what I feel), the level of sensations (what happens in the body), the level of behavior (what I do/don’t do).
Why do people envy? What are the stages and forms of envy? For a person experiencing envy, this is not always obvious, so I offer you an explanatory diagram. There are 4 stages of envy. They differ from each other in how deeply a person is aware of his envy and how this awareness leads him to satisfaction own needs and to the realization of values, that is, ultimately, to the happy life that every envious person (and every person) dreams of. For some stages there are options - depending on the degree of maturity of the person’s personality and his own ethical attitudes.
As a result of the awareness of the very experience of envy, people experience certain emotions and behave in one way or another (that is, they experience envy at different levels). Each of those experiencing envy can be at any of these stages, but if we talk about the development of the experience itself, then it goes from the stage of “unconscious envy” to the stage of “value-oriented life”
To understand how to get rid of envy for you personally, you must first determine what stage you are at. Descriptions of each stage from the point of view of levels of experience will help you with this: sometimes it is easier to recognize some thoughts, emotions, sensations and behavior than to immediately say to yourself “I envy.” And without awareness of envy, it is impossible to truly cope with it.
So you can just read the descriptions, and as soon as you think, “This looks like me,” make a note for yourself - perhaps this is how your envy manifests itself, and then admitting it is a step towards how to get rid of envy.
I will present the “deliverance” algorithm itself in the next article. But the first step - to realize that you are envious, to admit your envy - is done precisely on the basis of observation own envy at different levels of experience.
Now let's see how envy is experienced at each of these stages. Imagine that you have a friend, in communication with whom you experience not only pleasant emotions (even if you think that this is not envy). Or think of any time you were jealous of someone, or suspect that you were jealous. Determine for yourself the object of envy - in our example it is a blouse. And the object of envy: we have a friend. And see which of the things described below matches your experiences.
So, your friend came to the meeting in a new thing and said: “Look at the blouse I bought for myself!”
“What you don’t hear, you don’t worry about”
“In words there is sweetness, but in the heart there is envy”
In my head (what I think):“It’s great for her... she can afford it... I should be happy for her... Me too, I found something to be happy about...”
In my heart (what I feel): apathy, sadness, anxiety
In the body (sensations): asthenia (loss of strength), lump in throat, discomfort in the area of the solar plexus and heart
In action (what I do): I lose interest, get bored, ignore, remain silent, change the subject, express insincere joy, flatter, feel sorry for myself
Description: speaking in simple language, this is the stage of “I want something, but I don’t understand why or what I want.” We can define it this way: envy as an unconscious experience, the suppression of intolerable or incomprehensible excitement.
At this stage, a person is not aware of his needs and goals, he feels only a vague feeling of “something is wrong”, which arose from the sight of someone else’s achievement, property, success, opportunity, abilities, happiness.
Since a person does not understand where this feeling comes from, his strength goes not to achieving what he wants, but to suppressing envy. Hence - apathy, asthenia and unconscious anxiety. If you stay at this level for a long time, depression may occur as a defense against envy.
“They are envious of other people’s belongings”
He is “Uncle groaned, looking at other people’s wealth”
In my head (what I think):“How beautiful... I bought something worse for myself... And she earns less than me... But in general, she’s like a cow’s saddle... It would suit me much better...”
In my heart (what I feel): anger at a friend, anger at fate, anger at oneself, sadness, unconscious shame.
In the body (sensations): increased heart rate, rapid breathing, redness of the skin, tension in the arms, tension in the facial muscles, lump in the throat, discomfort in the solar plexus and heart.
In action (what I do): I criticize, “wash her bones” with another friend, pay attention to the shortcomings, boast about my blouse, tell that someone bought the same Chinese one at a sale, you can’t tell the difference, for ridiculous money, while expressing sympathy, by accident ( or not at all) I harm the object or object of envy, for example, I knock over a glass of wine on a friend.
Description: in simple terms, this is the stage “I didn’t know what I wanted - and here it is, now I know, but I don’t have it, but he has it, it’s bad and unfair.” We can define it this way: lack of awareness of envy. It is expressed in devaluing the achievements of another person and one’s own. Depreciation can be both psychological and physical (direct damage).
People with strong moral prohibitions, which prevent a person from throwing out their irritation on others, are more likely to direct their anger towards themselves, while others - towards the object or object of envy.
Since all the forces are busy trying to cope with their irritation, they are not directed towards any productive activity to meet your needs and realize your values. However, at this level there is already a chance to think about what these needs and values are. Remember this point: it will come in handy when we figure out what to do with envy.
At this level, the “injustice of the world” is very strongly felt: “Why does he have it, but I don’t?! It should not be!" Recognizing this injustice makes it obvious that it is impossible to achieve some (or many) things. But a person is unable to come to terms with this impossibility. And then it can be easier to destroy what someone else has than to come to terms with the fact that you will never have it.
Unconscious shame arises from the awareness of the lack of something in one’s external or inner world: “If I don’t have this, it means there’s something wrong with me. I'm flawed in this. And it’s a shame to be like that.”
There are several variants of envy at this level. They differ in thoughts in the head and behavior, the levels of emotions and sensations correspond to those already described above for this stage, however, they may differ in the intensity of experiences.
“You’re not as embarrassed by your own loss as by someone else’s profit.”
“It’s not bad that your own cow died. It’s bad that my neighbor is alive.”
In my head (what I think):“I haven’t bought anything for myself for a long time... But why is she showing off? Just think, well, a jacket is like a jacket! All she thinks about is bragging... Of course, there is no man, so she has to somehow calm herself down... But still nothing will help her...”
Description: devaluing someone else's success, achievements, abilities, talents. It arises from a vague or obvious conviction that the person himself will never possess the object of envy. There is a feeling of guilt for the fact that he himself is not capable or does not make attempts to achieve what he wants, and shame for this inability. It is so strong and painful that you don’t want to acknowledge it or experience it.
And then one of the ways to deal with this is to devalue the object of envy, prove to yourself that there is nothing good in it, for example, by telling a friend that her blouse is not at all in trend. Another method is called the “flaw game”: you need to find areas in the object of envy that are not so good and focus attention on them, for example, by telling yourself or a third party that your friend’s legs are crooked.
Another way to deal with such envy: “green grapes” is not to devalue the object or object of envy, but to devalue the need or value that lies behind them. That is, to prove to myself that I don’t want this at all, for example, by convincing myself that I am above this blind worship of fashion. The reverse method: “sweet lemon” is to pay attention to your achievements and exaggerate them in comparison with the object of envy, according to the principle “but I’m smarter.”
Moreover, you can do this mentally, in your internal monologue, and taking it out into real communication: with the object of envy itself, or with other people (“to wash the bones”). This method temporarily relieves mental pain, because it makes the object of envy not so attractive, at the same time, as it were, justifies one’s own inactivity and tries on the “injustice of the world.” For example, you can think or discuss with others: “But things aren’t so good for her.”
“God didn’t give one hundred rubles, but fifty is not money”
“In the wrong hands the piece is big; but when we get it, it will seem small.”
In my head (what I think):“She can always choose... But I never succeed... I was so happy about my new blouse, and then it appeared: I don’t like mine at all now... I can never choose a normal one...”
Description: devaluing one's success, achievements, abilities, talents. It arises from the conviction that I should always be better than others. Therefore, any success of another person is my personal loss. Typical for people with perfectionism, which lack inner feeling“good enough”, and for people with unstable self-esteem (by the way, perfectionism and unstable self-esteem are sides of the same coin).
As soon as someone has something better, it automatically means: what I have is bad. And since people with a perfectionist strategy or with unstable self-esteem equate their achievements with self-worth and “calculate” their own worth based on them, this loss strikes at the very core of the personality.
If I think that “I must always be the best at everything,” then the real or perceived achievements of other people are perceived as a threat to my self-worth. And the “I am good” castle, built with such difficulty on its achievements, receives destruction of various severity. And this is reflected to varying degrees painful for its owner.
What is especially unpleasant about this option: such envy is not satiable. Because its source is “defective” self-esteem. There will always be someone younger, richer, more attractive, more talented, more successful, etc.: external world will supply objects of envy constantly. And each of them will hit self-respect.
Sometimes we say that envy lowers self-esteem. In fact, it's the opposite: envy reveals problems in self-esteem. A person who knows that there is nothing wrong with him, that he is generally equal to other people, that he is completely okay, regardless of what he has in terms of property, achievements and personal qualities, in case of comparison with others, envy does not arise.
How serious the damage will be, and whether the self-esteem castle will withstand, depends on several reasons.
First: what kind of artillery strike was it, that is, what human values and needs were affected and how strongly. For example, in the case of my friend, the value was affected “ spiritual development"and the need for self-realization. And here, with a small impact from the lock, the plaster may, for example, fall off, or a gap may appear in the wall. Internally it feels like heartache to varying degrees.
Second: on what foundation is the castle built? If on poorly compacted sand “I’m not good enough,” then it may stagger; if in a swamp, “I’m bad,” then it may partially “float.” And if the castle “I am super” is built on the abyss “I am nonentity”, then in difficult cases he can fall into this abyss, until a person develops depression. And then we have the following option.
Option “Narcissistic envy”
“I’ll wear myself out, but I’ll get you”
In my head (what I think):“I make a huge effort to be the most beautiful... And suddenly you appear, in this new blouse... You, who did nothing to get this... You cannot be better than me... I will prove it to you: I will destroy you... No one can be more beautiful than me..."
Description: narcissistic envy. It is not completely recognized by the person himself, otherwise such recognition can destroy the personality itself, inner rod(will make you see your “insignificance”, which is unbearable). The value indicated by the object of envy becomes a super value. The abyss of “I am a nonentity” is very deep. Envy can lead to serious offenses. Damage to property, revenge, secret intrigues. Or even murder.
Since envy itself is not realized, in its place it is felt constant anxiety: threat to one’s well-being and position, fear of criticism, fear of failure, anticipation of a negative assessment.
As an example, let me remind you of the legend of Mozart and Salieri. By the way, music historians claim that there is no evidence that Salieri is guilty of Mozart's death. Moreover, some of the composers' contemporaries praised human qualities Salieri claimed that he and Mozart respected each other. And, of course, I have no information about Salieri’s self-esteem and the level of his “narcissistic abyss.”
I cite this unproven story as a common example of revenge out of envy. Pushkin at first wanted to call his little tragedy “Mozart and Salieri”: “Envy.” The name Salieri eventually became a household name. Despite the fact that Salieri's participation in Mozart's death has not been proven, there is even psychological phenomenon, which was called "Salieri Syndrome".
“The rich rich man has a lot of beer and honey, but he could throw it into the water with a stone.”
“Lord, Lord! Kill to death the one who lives better than us."
In my head (what I think):“I came here to show off... There’s no point in thinking that you’re better than others... I’ll put you in your place... You’ll know...”
Description: black envy. A person perceives the success of another as proof of his lower position in the world (society). Envy is perceived as anger at another, as a clear injustice that must be corrected.
It can be expressed in the destruction and elimination of the object of envy, the object of envy can be accused of creating problems for the person himself. Open or hidden sabotage envy appears. This envy is similar to narcissistic envy, but is based not on the desire to “be everything,” but on the desire to “own everything.”
The destruction of an object or object of envy can be symbolic (ritual), psychological (humiliation or belittlement, blocking someone else's success, well-being, joy, discredit), physical (destruction, ruin), and fatal-biological (injury, murder). Such actions often indicate unformed internal ethics and spiritual self-defense of a person.
“The soul does not accept, but the eyes ask more and more”
“He who is envious of someone else’s happiness languishes”
In my head (what I think):“Oh, how happy I would be if I had one like that!!!”
In my heart (what I feel): sadness, anger, anxiety, fear of failure
In the body (sensations): excitement, tension
In action (what I do): I try my best to get what the other has, constant comparison your achievements with the achievements of another
Description: envy is like a pursuit of illusory happiness - one’s values are not realized, but there is motivation for action. The main trap here is that we equate a person’s achievements with his happiness: “He has this, that means he is happy about it, I also want to be happy, I must have this too, otherwise I will not be happy.” .
And we think that if we don’t achieve what someone else has, then we won’t achieve our own happiness. And we try to achieve the same thing as the other, but we don’t become happier because we don’t understand that we don’t want these achievements, but our own personal happiness. And we don’t know and don’t think about what it consists of. And then we need more and more achievements, but we find ourselves further and further from happiness.
When we begin to chase illusory happiness, we find ourselves in a “rat race”: we endlessly acquire what is actually unnecessary and not valuable to us in order to gain power or prestige, to win in competition, or to gain the affection and love of others.
Here we are again faced with a sense of the injustice of the world. Especially in cases where “I do so much for this, but I’m still not happy, it’s not fair.”
Theologians define envy as “a person’s dissatisfaction with the fact that God has retained something for Himself or endowed another person with something that the envious person would passionately desire for himself.” What do we want most for ourselves? It's over, happiness. And here a huge resentment against God arises: God did not give me happiness. And he gave it to another. Perhaps, because of this resentment towards the Creator, envy is on the list of mortal sins of man?
In my head (what I think):"Wow! It’s cool that she has this... I want one too... I need to give her a compliment so that she doesn’t think that I envy her.”
In my heart (what I feel): sadness, joy, anxiety.
In the body (sensations): tension, relief, excitement.
In action (what I do): I analyze, look for my own, set goals, praise the other, share his joy with him, forbid myself to be upset.
Description: finally envy becomes visible to the person himself. But the experience of envy itself remains prohibited (“to be envious is shameful”). This shame is felt by a person, but is not recognized and is repressed. In addition, shame persists according to the principle “since I don’t have this, it means there’s something wrong with me, I’m defective.” This shame from having envy and the shame from thinking “something is wrong with me” is very difficult to experience.
Therefore, you need to “whiten yourself”: for example, call this experience “ White envy“so that it wouldn’t be so painfully embarrassing. And come up with, for example, the following aphorism: “white envy is wishing for what you don’t have and someone else has, and black envy is wishing for someone who has it that he doesn’t have it.” That is, to convince myself that I’m not really jealous, that everything is fine with me, that I’m good, because I don’t wish harm on anyone.
At this level, the pursuit of real happiness begins: something important for me does not arise or does not happen in my life, what I crave, what I need. A person begins to realize his values, and motivation to action appears. It seems to sound good, but inside there remains a worm of shame that reminds a person that something is wrong with him, but what is not clear.
Eat a big difference between the stage of “white envy” and simply the desire to have something, which arises from observing something in another person. In the second case, this worm of unconscious shame does not arise for the fact that I don’t have it. A person finds out what exactly he doesn’t have, compares it with his values and needs: do I need it, or does it hint to me about something else that I don’t have yet.
If he needs it, the goal “to have it” is set and ways to achieve it are planned. And if a person cannot achieve this, he does not feel shame for the fact that “since I couldn’t, it means that there is something wrong with me, I am not full-fledged.” He will feel sad from the thoughts: “I couldn’t achieve this, but everything is OK with me, I am valuable and worthy regardless of my achievements and qualities.”
In my head (what I think):“Cool jacket... Oh, here comes the pang of envy... Well, hello, envy... I’m not afraid of you... I’m not ashamed of you... Thank you for showing me what I want... and that I’m still ashamed of having it No…"
In my heart (what I feel): shame, joy, inspiration, admiration, anticipation.
In the body (sensations): increase in energy, experience of joy.
In action (what I do): I express joy for others, make plans, look for ways to implement them.
Description: a person realizes his envy. Recognizes it and forgives himself for it. Realizes what exactly is behind the object of envy, that is, what values and needs this object indicates. Can compare this with your values and needs. Can distinguish when these are not his values and needs, but a blow to his own dignity. He can learn not to equate his value as a person with his achievements, to recognize his unconditional value, with all his advantages and limitations.
When a person gets used to being aware of his values, he can learn to build a value-oriented life: live based on his needs and values, look for his life path, take responsibility for it and follow it. Over time, if he manages to separate his personal value from one’s achievements and qualities, envy will disappear, and a person will live a value-oriented life without experiencing envy.
Envy, among other things, also contains a love of justice.
William Hazlitt, writer
Envy is an act of comparison. More precisely, this is comparison HELL. Something about the other person catches my attention. I notice it, it piques my interest: “Is this valuable to me, is it interesting to me?” Then I compare what the other person has with what I have. I anticipate the joy of possessing an object, the benefits of using abilities, the pleasure of gaining new experiences. And at this stage I may experience:
- indifference: “This is not valuable to me, I don’t care whether someone has it or not”
- joy for another person: “This is valuable to me, I’m glad that he has it”
- anticipation of joy: “This is valuable for me, it can be like that for me too”
- sadness: “This is valuable to me, I wish I had it”
- oppression: “This is valuable to me, I will never have it”
- shame: “This is valuable to me, I’m ashamed that I don’t have it, that I haven’t achieved it, and since I don’t have it, it means I’m defective.”
- anger: “This is valuable to me, it’s wrong and unfair that he has it and I don’t.”
There may be other thoughts that lead to the same emotions. Why do people envy? Why does someone turn onto the highway of joy, while others insist on wandering along the road of envy? When describing the stages and variants of envy, I already talked about this. Now let's put it all together.
The fact is that we are not actually comparing what is the object of envy: not a blouse, not a car, an apartment, abilities, opportunities, love, etc. We compare our state of “happiness” with the supposed state of “happiness” of another person.
A person at the first levels of envy always falls into this trap. He does not try on the object of envy on himself: “Will I be happy if I have this?” At the first levels, he does not understand the value of this for himself. He thinks not “will I be happy if I have this”, but “he has this, he is happy, so if I have this, I will be happy.”
And if a person concludes “he is happier than me,” then that’s it, he has found himself in a labyrinth of envy. Now the object of envy will guide him in it, like a guide to illusory happiness.
But that is not all. Next, the thought may arise: “Since I don’t have this, it means there’s something wrong with me, I’m somehow different, I’m flawed.” The person may then conclude: “I don’t have it, maybe I’ll never have it, I wasn’t given it, it’s not fair.”
With each new thought, a person plunges deeper into the spiral of envy, with all the emotions and physical conditions, and the behavior that follows.
Why do people envy? What are the main reasons for envy? Belief in the justice of the world and in one’s own inferiority.
We are not born and do not live equal: each of us has our own set of genes, and they are not equivalent, we are born with different appearances, with different abilities, in different families, in different places, in different countries.
Over time we begin to understand this. We begin to look around and wonder: why am I like this and he is different? Why does he have it and I don’t? Why does someone get something, but I don’t? Why can someone achieve something, but I can’t?
The world divides us into beautiful and ugly, thin and fat, tall and short, excellent and C students, shy and sociable, smart and stupid, successful and unsuccessful, poor and rich, healthy and not so healthy, full-fledged and “limited in capabilities”.
The messages of the world are supplemented by the messages of those who should love us and accept us as we are, but who do not accept themselves as such and cannot give us such acceptance.
But a child cannot be critical of either the injustice of the world or the messages of adults. He takes on faith what the world tells him about himself. And it forms in oneself a feeling of inferiority, a deep-seated conviction and faith: “There is something wrong with me,” “I am not good enough,” “I am bad,” “I am terrible.”
And it is this belief about himself that will later form his self-esteem. And here, too, the injustice of the world manifests itself: because some people form such beliefs, while others have different ones: “Everything is OK with me,” “I am 100% valuable and worthy of love,” “I am good.”
And then the child begins to compare himself with others. And there's nothing wrong with that. Comparison is just a tool that helps us navigate the world. But following the comparison, he draws conclusions and evaluates the situation and himself. And if the conclusion is not in his favor, then this is the moment at which envy appears.
And if at this moment we insist that the world should be fair, and blame ourselves for the fact that we cannot be the same as others, if we suffer because of our inferiority, then we will not escape from the networks of envy. We'll never get out.
We discussed above exactly how envy manifests itself. And a person will fall into it again and again until he understands the main reasons: he does not admit that the world is unfair, but that, despite this, he himself can consider and feel absolutely and unconditionally valuable (and in this equal to others), and strive for your own, unique, true happiness, living your unique life. Like everyone else who is still in this world. We have looked at why people envy, and in the next article we will find out why how to get rid of envy.
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Today, the problem of envy is one of the most acute and serious. Envy is a mortal sin; it gradually destroys a person from the inside, does not allow him to fully realize himself in life, makes him endlessly look back at the past, looking for the next trick in the future.
Manifestations of envy deprive a person of peace, take away, and disorganize his state as a whole. Possible not only abrupt change mood, but also the appearance of panic, uncontrollable fear. Envy requires close attention, it cannot be ignored, under its influence various unpleasant situations occur and are destroyed. friendly relations, family ties. This is a very dangerous condition that, if left untreated, begins to get out of control.
Psychology of envy
Envy is always caused by the fact that a person feels strong dissatisfaction in some area of life. He is unhappy with himself, which is why the happiness and well-being of another can resonate so strongly with him. internal state. Envy is necessarily characterized by loss psychological comfort, self-doubt. A person wants to get satisfaction, to be ahead in this or that matter, but suddenly someone else is ahead of him in certain indicators. So what's going on? The personality begins to destroy itself, it no longer controls its feelings, it is controlled negative emotions. The psychology of envy is very complex and is subject to its own internal development mechanisms.
How does envy develop?
You need to understand that envy does not arise instantly. It takes time to form, just like the development of any other mechanism. Distinguish different shapes: from mild to severe. At first, a person does not realize what exactly motivates him and controls his actions. It simply becomes unpleasant for him to observe the joy of a friend or loved one, because this emphasizes his own insolvency. Note: we never envy people we don’t know because their lives have nothing to do with ours. But if we have some kind of connection with a person whose successes cause an acute attack of envy, indignation literally begins to overwhelm us from within. There is a feeling of injustice. It seems that the person who received something does not deserve these benefits, but “I, of course, deserve all the best.”
Who is most often envied?
First of all, very successful people who have achieved incredible heights in career and personal life. Their activities attract attention, media talk about them mass media, they are on everyone's lips. As a rule, these are also very famous people who are known throughout the country. Envy on the part of ordinary people is expressed in the fact that they cannot calmly react to messages about the next success of a given person and, at the first opportunity, try to denigrate him. Why does so much gossip revolve around actors, singers, scientists and artists? Yes, because these people are on everyone’s lips. Moreover, they even learn some “news” about themselves from newspapers and the Internet, that is, gossip is far-fetched and not true. Why does such increased attention accompanies them? Other people, one way or another, begin to compare themselves with those to whom fate smiled and see their own failure. In order to at least somehow rehabilitate themselves in their own eyes, envious people begin to shower successful person dirt, inventing non-existent unpleasant facts about him.
What is the harm of envy for a person?
Anyone who experiences a state of envy simply cannot be happy. Not only that nervous system is constantly under tension, but the heart may also suffer. It has been observed that envy causes a person to be in a constant state of stress. Often he stops taking care of his health, driving himself into severe melancholy.
The risk of developing cardiovascular diseases increases several times. The person will consider himself an unsuccessful and insolvent person. The opportunity to correct the situation seems imaginary, so no active actions most often they are not undertaken.
Signs of envy
By what parameters can you determine that a person is jealous of you? After all, it is very important to see these manifestations in time and prevent their development.
Stops enjoying achievements
These can be both our own victories and those of others that do not concern us. If a person is jealous of someone, then he simply cannot pay attention to his achievements. But how important it is to really appreciate what you have this moment time. Without appreciating the present, it is impossible to look into the future with complete confidence. Envy deprives us of moral strength and adds many intense experiences that undermine our health. Their own affairs, as a rule, fade into the background. A person, being in a feeling of strong envy, does not even understand that he is losing himself and stops living your own dreams, does not make plans regarding his career growth and families. And who suffers the most in all this? Of course, he himself. Because no one else has the right to take responsibility for fate, even close relative, not to mention outsiders. In fact, they envy the most successful acquaintances more than complete strangers. If your own life suddenly begins to interest you less than thinking about “how to annoy your neighbor,” think about what motivates you.
The ability to adequately evaluate one’s actions is impaired
A person in envy cannot sensibly assess what is happening to him at a given moment in time. Envy deprives him of the ability to adequately reason and make decisions. A person can commit actions for which she will later be ashamed, but at the very moment she seems to not care what is happening and why. Your own negative feelings and the desire to take revenge on the offender suddenly begin to come to the fore. An envious person, as a rule, does not calm down until he causes some damage to the one who hates him so much. This may not be obvious harm, but, for example, a desire to denigrate a person, find out something bad about him and tell others about it. This is a very bad feeling that appears when a person is extremely unsure of himself and does not know what he wants to achieve in life.
If they envy you, try to protect yourself as much as possible from the attention of those people and events that are unpleasant to you. Do not communicate with those who provoke or irritate you, do not support gossip. You are not at all obliged to listen to rudeness addressed to you just because you have achieved your goals. Forgive your envious people in advance and try to forget about them as soon as possible.
A person does not notice that he is suffering
Envy takes over a person’s consciousness so much that he sometimes may not even notice that he is causing himself a lot of inconvenience. Mental anguish over what someone has certain thing or achievement, but he does not have, go to obsessive states ruin the life of a neighbor in the country or on the landing. An envious person most often suppresses his feelings, and therefore does not understand that he is deeply suffering. He may be tormented by his obsessive thoughts and hatch a plan of revenge that he will never dare to put into practice. Fortunately, not all people decide to take active action towards those who greatly irritate them with their successes. Envy often deprives one of the ability to think and reason sensibly and obscures everything.
A person can spend from several days to several years in such a mood. And all this time he will be tormented subconscious feeling strong dissatisfaction. Not all people are ready to go deep into themselves, understand their reasons and concentrate on looking for the so-called “root of evil”. The source of the problem does not disappear on its own and will not disappear until a person pays attention to it.
A person makes accusations, shows negativity
Women's envy is a special case. As a rule, women are more vulnerable in matters of their appearance and relationships. They often make enormous demands on potential suitors and girlfriends, and if they do not meet them, they become offended. IN in this case there may be a desire to take revenge or put in place someone who has caused a lot mental suffering. With the help of envy, women sometimes learn to skillfully manipulate relatives and colleagues in order to feel better in this way.
An envious person cannot adequately assess the current situation, manage himself fully and enjoy the success of other people. In such conditions it is almost impossible to be good parents, children, friends, companions, etc. Envy can destroy even the most better relationship, question long-term connections and hobbies. To get rid of feelings of envy, you need to go through four basic steps that will help you overcome internal resistance and build adequate, sincere relationships with other people.
Awareness of the problem
This is the very first step, without which it is impossible further path. Until a person comes to the realization that envy prevents him from building a full-fledged happy life, nothing will ever change in external circumstances. How can you understand that you are wrong? First of all, by the reaction of the people around you. If for comparatively short term you managed to ruin your relationship with big amount acquaintances and friends, then it is possible that it is envy that controls their actions. Check how often are you mentally dissatisfied with a person just because he has great achievements? Think about who, besides ourselves, can be responsible for our own destiny?
Work on yourself
It includes concrete actions on neutralization negative state and the formation of new positive attitudes for life. Usually this period is preceded by a moment of serious internal awareness of one’s wrongness and a desire to change. Think about what the most big task your his life purpose? What should you be doing? Are you getting what you set out to do? If not, who or what is stopping this?
Envy greatly distracts a person from himself. She seems to remain focused on her feelings, but only negative ones, which do not lead to genuine development. Improve your character, start taking care of your attitude and your loved ones. You will see that your efforts will not be in vain. In return, you will definitely make true friends.
Self-realization in family and profession
How often do people feel unsatisfied because of envy? This negative feeling undermines a person from the inside, forces him to constantly play some other people’s roles and consign his own infinite essence to oblivion. Only when a person turns to his nature, begins to develop existing talents and abilities, do great changes really come. And these changes begin, first of all, in consciousness. Personal growth is able to give a person additional strength; doing what he loves best charges him with optimism and constructive energy.
The presence of a loved one nearby, the creation family values protects from any adversity. If you are many years old and have not yet created a family, you need to think about the reasons for your reluctance to have one. Perhaps there are excessive demands on your partner or envy does not allow you to act more decisively in this direction? Be that as it may, the problem will definitely not be solved on its own; you need to work on it and make efforts.
Allow other people to be imperfect
How often do we think that we know what other people's mistakes are. We are even ready to point out to them their many mistakes, but for some reason they are in no hurry to listen to our advice and do not want to change.
Remember, any changes must begin only with yourself. You cannot force another to change, if only because he may not be ready for it. Envy often causes people to act rashly, without controlling the words spoken. Under the influence of envious feelings, the most terrible actions are committed that a person would never dare to do in his life. positive mood. It is necessary to understand that it is completely pointless to try to change those around you - this is a thankless and useless task.
Protection from envy
Protection from envy includes a set of measures that allow you to competently approach protecting yourself from unpleasant situations. So, what steps need to be taken to prevent other people from offending or hurting you?
Don't flaunt your happiness
Sometimes this can have serious consequences. The envy of ill-wishers can have a detrimental effect on your well-being, career, attitude and mood. Who likes to feel like the subject of endless control?
Even the ancient sages said that one should not flaunt one’s own luck, and it is undesirable to brag about one’s achievements to strangers. If you are satisfied and happy in your profession, then be yourself, but other people do not need to know about the amount of your monthly income or where you prefer to go on vacation. Envy is huge destructive force, which causes pain not only to the one who experiences it, but also to the one to whom it is directed.
Don't communicate with enemies
Big misconception modern people is that they strive at all costs to prove to everyone their complete worth. In our age it is very fashionable to be successful, and everyone wants to become independent and free if possible. But when we communicate with negatively minded people, we unwittingly let their energy pass through us, and this can prevent us from continuing our activities as successfully. Sometimes fears and doubts arise, but you need to know how to deal with them so as not to retreat, not to give up in the face of sudden difficulties. Envy allows losers to do nothing and hide behind external circumstances. With the help of envy, many of us justify our own mistakes and do not strive to change our lives for the better.
Be confident in your activities
When we develop a business through our own volitional efforts, then our faith in tomorrow grows stronger. The more time is devoted to the development of activities, favorite activities, the more people opens internal capabilities within himself, the more ideas he can realize in life. There is no need to concentrate on the envy of ill-wishers; go boldly your way. Success will certainly await those who decide to act despite numerous obstacles.
Find additional inspiration
In order to be charged with positive energy of joy in a timely manner, it is not enough to constantly work in a given direction. If you have certain obligations to yourself and your colleagues, then fulfill them, but do not stop taking days off when you really need it. The envy of your acquaintances may hide their problems, so you should not pay attention to anyone.
If you are attracted to the theater, go to plays, get extra energy, recharge good mood. If you like books, try to read more. The envy of colleagues and acquaintances is not something to be proud of. On the contrary, try to let it touch you as little as possible. Otherwise, this energy can indirectly but harm you in some situations. There are known cases when envious people damaged the property of a successful person or ensured that he suffered significant losses. When a person has somewhere to find inspiration, consolation, and finally just relax, troubles are experienced much easier.
Envy is a very multifaceted phenomenon that requires a lot of attention by psychologists. The one who envies and the one who is envied equally cannot remain calm and are forced to remain in a state of prolonged nervous tension. To overcome the habit of envy in yourself, you need to do long haul and become a self-sufficient person.
Envy is familiar to people of any age and status, and only a very small percentage of them able to cope with it at the proper level or practically not felt.
The main causes of envy are inadequate (usually underestimated), dissatisfaction own life, the desire to receive something valuable, to be luckier and happier.
How to recognize an emotional vampire and protect yourself from him? will help you.
General concept
Envy- a negative feeling that arises when seeing the success and capabilities of another person.
This condition can be severe, painful, or mild and insignificant.
The stronger the envy, the more difficult to deal with. People who are very jealous of someone may try to do mean things, even committing crimes, in order to get what they want or to deprive the person of what he has.
Envy is often accompanied by the following emotions:
- anger, malice;
- irritation;
- sadness, sadness (the severity can be different, even deep, preventing a person from living fully);
- resentment (for example, in relation to parents, God, if a person is a believer and believes that God could be more favorable to him).
It is important to understand that envy is closely related to the feeling of dissatisfaction with one's own life, and the more dissatisfied a person is, the more envious he will be of those who, in his opinion, are more successful and happy.
If a man happy with life, he will occasionally feel only a very slight, “white” envy or will not feel it at all.
People experiencing envy may:
At the same time, not all envious people will actually demonstrate. So that the feeling of envy pushes them to do something serious, it must be very strong, unbearable.
Envy, like any negative feeling, is Fine.
It is important to accept the existence of this feeling and work with the reasons for its appearance, and not with it itself: raise self-esteem, often with the help of a qualified psychologist, fight uncertainty, and learn new skills.
Why: answers from psychologists
Where does envy come from? Feelings of envy doesn't appear for no reason and, as a rule, it is closely related to how a person perceives the world, himself, his successes, achievements, how he interacts with society, what opportunities he has.
People are angry and envious
Both nature and human society operate on the principle "The strongest wins".
In nature, strong individuals survive and leave offspring, while weak ones die; as a result, each species gradually improves, acquiring the characteristics necessary for better survival.
In human society, this principle looks different, softer, but continues to exist successfully, even despite active popularization.
It's no longer about survival, but about success in general: Availability large quantity money, great job, useful, interesting hobbies, health, beauty, reliable friends, loving family.
The more successful you are, the more chances you have to live and give the best to your descendants.
It is these attitudes that society gives to every person, and they largely determine how he will behave. That's why we all want to be the best and have the opportunity to realize your own.
Also, the position “Everyone can achieve success” is widespread in society, which is more than completely wrong.
The success of each person depends on an incredible number of factors that do not directly depend on him: upbringing, training, living conditions, environment, opportunities that existed from birth (for example, one child will receive better education, the other - extremely bad or will not receive it at all; one will have wonderful toys, while another will rarely even buy clothes), health conditions, age, mental characteristics, social conditions and even just chance.
As a result, many people have a desire to be the best, or at least good enough, to feel happiness at odds with their capabilities. This is where envy appears.
And only It depends on the person how he reacts to it: whether it will harm someone or not. And not all people will give up the idea of causing harm.
At the same time, one should not think that only all people are evil and envious. There are many who hold back, struggle with envy, and go to a psychologist.
But we don’t know about their feelings, because they don’t express themselves and don’t harm us. But we know those who behave differently. And if these people will cause us enough pain, we can decide that everyone is like that. But this is a completely erroneous position.
Everyone envy me
It is unlikely that all people envy you: this is impossible in principle. It is most likely that, having repeatedly encountered manifestations of hatred due to envy, you have drawn the erroneous conclusion: everyone is jealous of me.
But there are many people who will be kind to you and will not cause you discomfort.
They envy you because you have something that those who envy do not have. It could be health, beauty, intelligence, wealth, success, and so on. If these people would be happy with their life, they wouldn't envy you.
It is also common for people, faced with negative attitude, criticism(even adequate and quite mild), they believe that these are manifestations of envy.
This conclusion is often made by those who have high self-esteem.
It is important to look at reality objectively: Not everyone who evaluates you and your work negatively envy you.
Reasons for envy of relatives
The main reasons for envy of relatives:
One should distinguish between mild envy and more pronounced envy, which is difficult to control. Easy, so-called "white" envy is not a threat and is unlikely to lead to quarrels and conflicts.
How to get rid of people's envy? It is important to be able to react correctly to those who envy you: this way you can maintain calm and mental health.
What to do if you are jealous with black envy?
People call “black” envy envy, which leads to quarrels, conflicts, and makes people hurt those they envy. Usually this feeling is expressed quite strongly.
Adviсe:
- Try discussing the situation with the envious person. It is important to discuss one-on-one in a comfortable environment. Tell him about your own discomfort, explain what you want to achieve, offer compromises.
However, frankly aggressive people posing a threat, it is better not to get involved.
- Contact the police if necessary. No one should commit illegal acts.
- Break off communication with the envious person or reduce it. Change your job or school.
- Talk to management. For example, if envy appears in class, contact to the class teacher, head teacher, director. Managers who are interested in creating a favorable environment in the team will certainly respond.
Also It is useful to visit a psychologist: a competent specialist will certainly help you understand the situation and give useful recommendations. If the envious person is non-aggressive and ready to change, you can invite him to a joint reception.
How to protect yourself from envious people? Find out from the video: