“I have a lot to do today: I need to completely kill my memory, I need my soul to petrify, I need to learn to live again.”- Anna Akhmatova.
The hardest thing any of us can experience is the loss of a loved one.
The grief that befell a person is incomparable to anything. Most often it comes suddenly, when it is not expected. When a person loses the person closest to him, the ground seems to disappear from under his feet.
Life loses its meaning. And from this moment on, life is divided into Before and After.
I wrote this article because I experienced it myself. While studying to become a family psychologist, I chose the diploma topic that was most difficult for me. After writing my thesis, I worked through my grief: my mother died ten years ago and only now, after so many years, I was able to let her go and continue to live. Of course, psychologists from the Center where I studied helped me. And now I myself help people overcome the grief of losing loved ones.
I hope that this article can help you in some way.
“We mourn the one we lost, but we should rejoice at what we had at all.”— C. J. Wells. "Death is a neutral event that we are accustomed to coloring with fear"— I. Yalom.
Death is an integral part of the common family in which a person lives. Death is a biological event that ends life. This life event has a strong emotional impact on a person’s thinking and causes the greatest emotional reactivity in the behavior of people around him.
Loss syndrome(sometimes called “acute grief”) are strong emotions experienced as a result of the loss of a loved one. “The loss may be temporary (separation) or permanent (death), real or imagined, physical or psychological.”(Izard, 1999).
The strong emotions experienced by a person when he loses a loved one as a result of his death are called grief.
Grief is also a process by which a person works through the pain of loss, regaining a sense of balance and fullness of life. Although the predominant emotion of loss is sadness, the emotions of fear, anger, guilt and shame are also present.
Grief is a necessary process and cannot be considered a sign of weakness, since it is the way in which a person recovers from a tangible loss.
There are three risk level in situations of experiencing grief (Olifirovich N.I. “Psychology of family crises”):
- Minimal risk. Family members openly express their feelings, provide support to each other and receive support from extended family, friends, and neighbors. The ability to identify problems and seek ways to resolve them is retained.
- Medium risk. The grief reaction occurs with complications: individual family members may experience depressive reactions; family does not accept support. These reactions can be complicated if there are numerous previous losses or unresolved conflicts with the deceased.
- High risk. Family members may develop eccentric (rude, cruel) behavior; severe depression; attempts and threats of suicide; drug or alcohol abuse; severe insomnia. This category also includes situations of complete absence of grief in the family.
In case of medium and high risk, the family needs the help of specialists: family psychologists, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, social worker.
Death disrupts the functional balance of the family. The intensity of the emotional reaction is determined by the functional level of emotional integration of the family at the moment or the functional importance of the member who died. The amount of time a family needs to restore emotional balance depends on the emotional integration in the family and the intensity of the disturbance.
Most often, after the death of a significant family member, a “Wave of Emotional Shock” occurs - a network of hidden shocks (a series of important life events) that can occur in any part of the extended family system over a period of months or even years. “Death is not always experienced equally hard by the family; it happens that death brings relief to the family, and it is followed by a more prosperous period.”(M. Bowen).
While the work remains unfinished, tension remains in us and we are not available for anything else.
Stages of mourning, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross “On Death and Dying”, who worked all her life with dying people and their loved ones, identified 7 stages of mourning:
- Shock, sudden loss of strength.
- Refusal, Denial, rejection of reality “It can’t be, this isn’t happening to me.”
- Anger, protest, indignation “This is unfair, why did this happen to me/him/her?!”
- Bargaining, an attempt to make a deal with fate.
- Fear, Depression Loss of interest in life.
- Acceptance of humility. A person who has had enough time for inner work and who has received the necessary help reaches the stage of acceptance. Clarity and newfound peace.
- Hope is present throughout all stages.
The purpose of "grief work" (Lindemann Erich, 1984) is to been through him, become independent from loss, adapt to a changed life and find new relationships with people and the world.
Exists several forms complicated loss syndrome (Mokhovikov, 2001):
- Chronic grief. In this most common form, the experience of loss is permanent, and integration of loss does not occur. Among the signs, longing for a person with whom there was a close emotional connection predominates. Even after many years, the slightest reminder of the loss causes intense feelings.
- Conflicted (exaggerated) grief. One or more signs of loss are distorted or excessive First of all, feelings of guilt and anger intensify, forming a vicious circle of contrasting experiences that interferes with coping with grief and delays the passage of the acute period. A way out can be achieved through euphoric states, turning into long-term depression with ideas of self-blame.
- Suppressed (masked) grief. Signs of grief are minor or completely absent. Instead, somatic complaints appear, signs of illness noted in the deceased, followed by the development of long-term hypochondria. For example, conditions of “cluster headache” are described, which can last for several months and consist of many individual attacks. There is no awareness of their connection with loss.
- Unexpected grief. The suddenness makes it almost impossible to accept and integrate the loss. Their development is delayed and intense feelings of anxiety, self-blame and depression predominate, complicating daily life. The occurrence of thoughts of suicide and its planning is very typical.
- Abandoned grief. His experience is delayed for a long time. Immediately after the loss, emotional manifestations arise, but then the “work of grief” ceases. Subsequently, a new loss or a reminder of the previous one triggers the experience mechanism. When visiting a doctor, a person repeatedly talks about loss. At home, he does not want to change anything, part with expensive things, or, on the contrary, strives to completely change his life (change the environment, apartment, sometimes city).
- Absent grief. With this form, there are no external manifestations, as if there was no loss at all. The person completely denies it or remains in a state of shock.
Recently, the view of working with loss syndrome, proposed by J. Worden. Worden's concept, although not the only one, now remains the most popular among people working with loss (Sidorova, 2001).
It is very convenient for diagnosing and working with current grief, as well as if you have to deal with feelings of loss that were not experienced many years ago and were revealed during therapy that was started for a completely different reason.
A variant of describing the reaction of loss not by stages or phases, but through four tasks, which must be carried out during the normal course of the process. These tasks are essentially similar to those that a child solves as he grows up and separates from his mother.
The first task is recognition of the fact of loss. When someone dies, even in an expected death, it is normal to feel as if nothing happened. Therefore, first of all, you need to acknowledge the fact of loss, realize that your loved one has died, he has left and will never return. This "seeking" behavior is aimed at re-establishing communication. Normally, this behavior should be replaced by behavior aimed at refusing contact with the deceased. Often the opposite behavior occurs - denial of what happened. If a person does not overcome denial, then the “work of grief” is blocked at the earliest stages. Denial can be used at different levels and take different forms, but generally involves either denial of the fact of loss, or its significance, or irreversibility.
Denial of the fact of loss can range from a mild disorder to severe psychotic forms, where the person spends several days in the apartment with the deceased before noticing that he has died.
A more common and less pathological form of denial was called “mummification.” In such cases, a person keeps everything as it was with the deceased, in order to be always ready for his return. An even easier form of denial is when a person “sees” the deceased in someone else - for example, a widowed woman sees her husband in her grandson.
Another way people avoid the reality of loss is denial of significance loss. In this case they say something like: "We weren't close", "He was a bad father" or "I don't miss him." Sometimes people hastily remove all the personal belongings of the deceased; everything that can remind him of him is behavior that is the opposite of mummification. In this way, bereaved people protect themselves from having to face the reality of the loss. Those who exhibit these behaviors are at risk for developing pathological bereavement reactions.
Another manifestation of denial is "selective forgetting". In this case, a person forgets something concerning the deceased.
The third way to avoid awareness of loss is denial of irreversibility of loss. A variant of this behavior is a passion for spiritualism. An irrational hope of being reunited with the deceased is normal in the first weeks after a loss, when behavior is aimed at restoring the connection, but if this hope becomes persistent, it is not normal.
The second task of grief is to experience the pain of loss. This means that you need to experience all the difficult feelings that accompany loss.
If the griever cannot feel and experience the pain of loss, which is always there, it must be identified and worked through with the help of a therapist, otherwise the pain will manifest itself in other forms, for example through psychosomatics or behavioral disorders.
Pain reactions vary from person to person, and not everyone experiences the same amount of pain. The grieving person often loses contact not only with external reality, but also with internal experiences. The pain of loss is not always felt, sometimes the loss is experienced as apathy, lack of feelings, but it must definitely be worked through.
This task is made more difficult by those around you. Often people nearby experience discomfort from severe pain and feelings of the grieving person, they do not know what to do about it, and consciously or unconsciously tell him: "You shouldn't grieve". This unspoken wish from others often interacts with the bereaved person's own psychological defenses, leading to denial of the necessity or inevitability of the grief process. Sometimes this is even expressed in the following words: "I shouldn't cry for him" or: "I shouldn't grieve", "Now is not the time to grieve". Then the manifestations of grief are blocked, there is no reaction and the emotions do not come to their logical conclusion.
Avoiding the second task achieved in different ways. It could be denial of the presence of pain or other painful feelings. In other cases it may be avoiding painful thoughts. For example, only positive, “pleasant” thoughts about the deceased can be allowed, up to complete idealization. It is possible to avoid all memories of the deceased. Some people start using alcohol or drugs for this purpose. Others use the "geographical method" - continuous travel or continuous work with great stress, which does not allow you to think about anything other than daily affairs. People need to solve this difficult problem, open and live the pain without collapsing. You need to live it so as not to carry it throughout your life. If this is not done, later returning to these experiences will be more painful and difficult than if you experience them immediately. Delayed experience of pain is also more difficult because if the pain of loss is experienced after a significant time, the person can no longer receive the sympathy and support from others that usually appears immediately after the loss and which helps to cope with grief.
The next task that the griever must cope with is organizing an environment where the absence of the deceased is felt. When a person loses a loved one, he loses not only the object to which feelings are addressed and from which feelings are received, he is deprived of a certain way of life. The deceased loved one participated in everyday life, demanded the performance of certain actions or certain behavior, the performance of certain roles, and took on some of the responsibilities. And it goes away with him. This emptiness must be filled, and life must be organized in a new way.
Setting up a new environment means different things to different people, depending on the relationship they had with the deceased and the roles the deceased played in their lives. The grieving person may not realize this. Even if the client is not aware of the role of the deceased, the therapist needs to outline for himself what the client has lost and how it can be replenished. Sometimes it is worth discussing this with the client. Often the client spontaneously begins to do this himself during the session. The griever must acquire new skills. The family can provide support in purchasing them. Often, the grieving person develops new ways to overcome the difficulties that have arisen and new opportunities open up before him, so that the fact of loss is reformulated into something that also has a positive meaning. This is a common option for successfully completing the third task.
The last, fourth task is build a new attitude towards the deceased and continue to live. The solution to this fourth task does not imply either oblivion or absence of emotions, but only their restructuring. The emotional attitude towards the deceased must change in such a way that it becomes possible to continue living and enter into new emotionally rich relationships.
Sometimes people think that if their emotional connection with the deceased weakens, then they will insult his memory and this will be a betrayal. In some cases, there may be a fear that a new close relationship may also end and that you will have to go through the pain of loss again - this happens especially often if the feeling of loss is still fresh. In other cases, the close environment may resist performing this task, for example, children may protest in the case of a new attachment from a widowed mother. Behind this there is often resentment: the mother has found a replacement for her deceased husband, but for the child there is no replacement for the deceased father. Or vice versa - if one of the children has found a partner, the widowed parent may have protest, jealousy, a feeling that the son or daughter is going to lead a full life, and the father or mother is left alone. This is supported by culture, especially among women. The behavior of a “faithful widow” is approved by society.
This task is hampered by a ban on new love, fixation on a past relationship, or avoidance of the possibility of again encountering the loss of a loved one. All these barriers are usually tinged with guilt.
A sign that this task is not being solved, grief does not subside and the period of mourning does not end, there is often a feeling that “life stands still,” “after his death I am not living,” anxiety is growing. The completion of this task can be considered the emergence of the conviction that it is possible to love another person - love for the deceased has not become less because of this.
The moment that can be considered the end of mourning is not obvious. Some authors name specific time periods - a month, a year or two. However, it is impossible to determine a specific period during which the experience of loss will unfold. It can be considered completed when a person who has experienced a loss takes all four steps and solves all four problems of grief. A sign of this is the ability to address most of the feelings not to the deceased, but to other people, to be receptive to new impressions and life events, and the ability to talk about the deceased without severe pain. Sadness remains, it is natural when a person talks or thinks about someone he loved and lost, but this is already a calm, “light” sadness. The “work of grief” is completed when the one who has experienced the loss is again able to lead a normal life, he feels adapted, when there is an interest in life, new roles have been mastered, a new environment has been created and he can function in it adequately to his social status and character. .
In his text, Russian writer Viktor Fedorovich Smirnov raises the problem of losing people close to us.
Wanting to draw the reader's attention to this problem, the author tells the story of a small family that lost the father of the family during the Great Patriotic War. Smirnov writes that the widow does not believe in her husband’s death and hopes that the head of the family is alive. She even decides to go to Efim the Blessed in order to justify her aspirations, and although he does not clarify anything new, the heroine still harbors unquenchable hope. We learn that together with the heroine, several other soldier’s widows went to the fortune teller.
Considering this problem, the author very clearly formulates his own opinion. Viktor Smirnov believes that it is very difficult for people who have experienced the death of a loved one to let go and forget the deceased. This tragic loss affects people in different ways: some immediately give up and “break down,” while others continue to believe that the deceased is alive.
But each of these people should be treated with compassion, support and understanding.
This problem worried many great Russian writers, including Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky. In Dostoevsky's novel Crime and Punishment, one of the central characters is Sonya Marmeladova. Sonya's father, Semyon Zakharovich Marmeladov, dies in her arms as a result of an accident. This deals a strong blow to Sonya, because she lost not only her father, but also her only loved one. The heroine will not be able to calm down for a long time after the death of her father.
This topic is especially acute in the story “The Fate of Man” by Mikhail Sholokhov. The main character of this work, Andrei Sokolov, lost his entire family during the war: his wife Irina, his two daughters and his son Anatoly, who was killed on the last day of the war. But even under these cruel blows of fate, the main character was not broken, remained human and found the strength to help the boy who was left an orphan.
The problem raised by the author of the text is also a leitmotif in the novel “The Great Gatsby” by Francis Scott Fitzgerald. The rich man Jay Gatsby, one of the central characters of the novel, dies as a result of murder. Only Nick Carraway (the main character), Gatsby's father and servants come to his funeral. Death is always unexpected and leaves a deep mark on the soul of everyone who comes to the funeral, especially in the soul of the hero’s father.
All of the above allows us to conclude that the loss of loved ones is a tragic loss, causing deep wounds and marks in the souls of people. But life moves on and everyone must find the strength to survive the loss and help those who need support. This is exactly the problem that the writer Smirnov touches on in this text.
Grief is the internal experience of loss and the thoughts and feelings associated with it. Specialist in social psychiatry Erich Lindemann dedicated an entire work to this emotional state, calling it “acute grief.”
Psychologist lists 6 signs or symptoms of acute grief:
1. Physical suffering - constant sighs, complaints of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite;
2. Change in consciousness - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of increasing emotional distance separating the grieving person from other people, absorption in the image of the deceased;
3. Feelings of guilt - a search in the events preceding the death of a loved one for evidence that he did not do everything he could for the deceased; accusing yourself of inattention, exaggerating the significance of your slightest mistakes;
4. Hostile reactions - loss of warmth in relationships with people, irritation, anger and even aggression towards them, the desire not to bother them;
5. Loss of behavior patterns - haste, restlessness, aimless movements, constant search for some activity and inability to organize it, loss of interest in anything;
6. The appearance of the deceased’s features in the grieving person, especially the symptoms of his last illness or behavior - this symptom is already on the border of a pathological reaction.
The experience of grief is individual, but at the same time it has its own phases. Of course, the duration and their sequence may vary.
1. Shock and numbness
"Can't be!" - this is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. The characteristic condition can last from a few seconds to several weeks, on average it lasts 9 days. A person experiences a feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensitivity, physiological and behavioral disorders. If the loss is too overwhelming or sudden, the subsequent state of shock and denial of what happened sometimes takes on paradoxical forms, causing others to doubt the person’s mental health. This does not mean insanity, it’s just that the human psyche is not able to bear the blow and for some time seeks to isolate itself from the terrible reality by creating an illusory world. At this stage, the grieving person can look for the deceased in the crowd, talk to him, “hear” his steps, put extra cutlery on the table... The deceased’s belongings and room can be kept intact in case of “return”.
What and how can you help a person in the shock phase?
It is completely useless to talk and console him. He still doesn’t hear you, and in response to all attempts to console him, he will only say that he feels fine. At such moments, it would be good to constantly be nearby, not leaving the person alone for a second, not letting him out of the field of attention, so as not to miss the acute reactive state. At the same time, you don’t have to talk to him, you can just silently be there.
Sometimes tactile contacts alone are enough to bring a person out of severe shock. Movements such as stroking the head are especially good. At this moment, many people feel small, defenseless, they want to cry, as they cried in childhood. If you manage to induce tears, it means the person is moving into the next phase.
It is necessary to evoke any strong feelings in a person - they can bring him out of shock. Obviously, it is not easy to awaken a state of great joy, but anger is also suitable here.
2. Anger and resentment
They can last from several days to 2-3 weeks. After the fact of loss begins to be recognized, the absence of a loved one is felt more and more acutely. A person experiencing grief again and again in his mind scrolls through the circumstances of his death and the events that preceded it. The more he thinks about it, the more questions he has. It is difficult for a person to come to terms with loss. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons for it, asking himself a lot of different “whys”: “Why him?”, “Why (why) did such a misfortune befall us?”, “Why didn’t you keep him at home?”, “ Why didn’t you insist to go to the hospital?”... Anger and accusation can be directed at fate, God, and people. The reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased himself: for leaving and causing suffering; for not writing a will; left behind a bunch of problems, including financial ones; for making a mistake and not being able to avoid death. All these negative emotions are quite natural for a person experiencing grief. It’s just a reaction to one’s own helplessness in a given situation.
3. Stage of guilt and obsession
A person suffering from remorse over the fact that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death may convince himself that if only it were possible to turn back time and return everything back, then he would certainly behave in the same way. to another. At the same time, the imagination can repeatedly play out how everything would have been then. Those experiencing loss often torment themselves with numerous “if onlys,” which sometimes acquire an obsessive character: “If only I had known...”, “If only I had stayed...” This is also a completely common reaction to loss. We can say that here acceptance fights denial. Almost everyone who has lost a loved one, in one form or another, feels guilt towards the deceased for not preventing his death; for not doing something for the deceased: not caring enough, not appreciating, not helping, not talking about his love, not asking for forgiveness, etc.
4. Stage of suffering and depression
Duration from 4 to 7 weeks. Just because suffering is in fourth place in the sequence of stages of grief does not mean that at first it is not there and then it suddenly appears. The point is that at a certain stage suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences. This is a period of maximum mental pain, which sometimes seems unbearable. The death of a loved one leaves a deep wound in a person’s heart and causes severe torment, felt even on the physical level. The suffering that a person experiences is not constant, but usually comes in waves. Tears may well up at any memory of the deceased, about the past life together and the circumstances of his death. The reason for tears can also be a feeling of loneliness, abandonment and self-pity. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying; suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression. Although suffering can sometimes become unbearable, those grieving may cling to it (usually unconsciously) as an opportunity to maintain a connection with the deceased and testify to their love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, to forget means to betray.
How can you alleviate the suffering of a grieving person?
If during the first phase you should constantly be with the grieving person, then here you can and should let the person be alone if he wants it. But if he has a desire to talk, you must always be at his disposal, listen and support.
If a person cries, it is not at all necessary to console him. What is "consolation"? This is an attempt to stop him from crying. We have an unconditional reflex to other people's tears: seeing them, we are ready to do everything so that the person calms down and stops crying. And tears provide the opportunity for strong emotional release.
You can unobtrusively introduce a person to socially useful activities: give them work, start loading them with household chores. This gives him the opportunity to escape from his main worries.
And, of course, the person needs to constantly demonstrate that you understand his loss, but treat him like an ordinary person, without making him any concessions.
5. Acceptance and reorganization stage
Can last from 40 days to 1-15 years. No matter how difficult and prolonged the grief, in the end a person, as a rule, comes to emotional acceptance of the loss, which is accompanied by a weakening or transformation of the spiritual connection with the deceased. At the same time, the connection between times is restored: if before that the grieving person lived mostly in the past and did not want (was not ready) to accept the changes that had taken place in his life, now he gradually regains the ability to fully live in the reality around him and look to the future with hope. A person restores temporarily lost social connections and makes new ones. Interest in meaningful activities returns, new points of application of one’s strengths and abilities open up. Having accepted life without a deceased loved one, a person gains the ability to plan his own future destiny without him. Thus, a reorganization of life occurs.
Basic Help at this stage is to facilitate this turning towards the future, to help make all kinds of plans.
How the process of experiencing loss proceeds, how intense and lasting the sadness will be, depends on many factors.
The significance of the deceased and the characteristics of the relationship with him. This is one of the most significant points that determine the nature of grief. The closer the person who passed away was and the more complex, confusing, and conflictual the relationship with him was, the more difficult the loss is experienced. The abundance and importance of something not done for the deceased and, as a consequence, the incompleteness of the relationship with him, especially aggravate the mental torment.
Circumstances of death. A stronger blow is usually delivered by an unexpected, severe (painful, prolonged) and/or violent death.
Age of the deceased. The death of an elderly person is usually perceived as a more or less natural, logical event. On the contrary, it can be more difficult to come to terms with the passing of a young person or child.
Experience of loss. Past deaths of loved ones are connected by invisible threads with each new loss. However, the nature of their influence in the present depends on how a person dealt with it in the past.
Personal characteristics of the grieving person. Each person is unique, and his individuality, of course, is manifested in grief. Of the many psychological qualities, it is worth highlighting how a person relates to death. His reaction to loss depends on this. As he writes J. Rainwater, “the main thing that prolongs grief is the very tenacious illusion inherent in people of guaranteed security of existence.”
Social connections. The presence of people nearby who are ready to hold and share grief greatly facilitates the experience of loss.
Often loved ones, in their desire to support, only make things worse. So what? You should not say when communicating with grieving people:
Untimely statements that do not take into account current circumstances or the psychological state of the bereaved person.
Inappropriate statements generated by a misunderstanding of grief or a desire to drown it out: “Well, you’re still young, and,” “Don’t cry - she/he wouldn’t like it,” etc.
Projective statements that transfer one’s own ideas, feelings or desires onto another person. Among the various types of projections, two stand out in particular:
a) projection of one’s experience, for example, in the words: “Your feelings are so clear to me.” In fact, any loss is individual, and no one is given the opportunity to fully understand the suffering and severity of the loss of Another.
c) projection of their desires - when sympathizers say: “You need to continue your life, you need to go out more often, you need to end mourning” - they are simply expressing their own needs.
In addition, we should separately highlight the most frequently used clichés, which, as it seems to others, alleviate the suffering of the grieving person, but in fact prevent him from properly experiencing grief: “You should have dealt with this by now,” “You need to keep yourself busy with something,” “Time heals all wounds”, “Be strong”, “You shouldn’t give in to tears.” All these verbal attitudes drive grief underground.
Hello, my dear readers and blog guests! Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult losses. Life is divided into two parts. The most important thing in this case is not to get stuck at any stage of the grief experience. Usually, in order to completely overcome psychological trauma, a time period of one year is required. All four seasons of the year and memorable dates must pass without a loved one. This is necessary to get used to it and realize that the one who was nearby not long ago is no longer there.
At this critical moment in life, the support of family, friends and relatives is very important. It’s good if this continues throughout the year, then the person will cope with the loss more easily. The death of children is especially difficult; in this case, the period of despair can last up to five years.
If the state of depression lasts more than a year, then the person revels in his loss. It is necessary to try to go through all stages of grief, without lingering long on any one. There are many examples from life when crisis moments in a person’s life gave him a strong impetus for great achievements in the future.
The loss of a loved one is difficult if your personal life or childless marriage has not worked out. There comes a feeling of abandonment and uselessness. According to the classification of American psychologist Liz Burbo, there are five mental traumas that interfere with life:
- feeling of abandonment;
- feeling rejected;
- feeling of humiliation;
- feeling of injustice;
- the feeling of being betrayed.
The feeling of abandonment is basic and exacerbates all others. It is very difficult for an addicted person to survive the pain of loss; he simply needs the support of loved ones and relatives.
Stages of Grief
It is not the moment of death of a loved one that is scary, but the subsequent life without him. It is important when living through all stages of grief not to dwell on one of them for a long time. There are many classifications of the stages of grief. Who even divides them into twelve? In general, three main ones can be distinguished:
– disbelief (denial)
At this stage, a person does not want to believe in the loss of a loved one. Despite the obvious facts and evidence, he denies everything and lives in an imaginary world. Women experience the grief of loss especially strongly. Some continue to talk with the deceased person, cook dinner for him, do laundry, buy his favorite products. Others believe that he simply left and will return soon. If this stage drags on for a long time, then deep mental disorders are possible. This condition is acceptable for some time in order to survive the acute stage, after which the person must try to get out of it.
There are many interesting cases from psychological practice of how different people experience such a stage.
For six months, one woman wrote letters to herself on behalf of her husband and sent them by mail, and then read them with inspiration to relatives and friends, trying to convince her that he was alive. Another lady got up every day for two years at five in the morning to cook breakfast for her husband and clean herself up so that her deceased husband would not see her without makeup.
After the death of his mother, the man built a museum in her room and spent a lot of time there, indulging in memories.
- (awareness)
The most difficult stage. After the veil of detachment falls from the consciousness, a period of understanding begins that the loved one no longer exists. It is impossible to live in the old way; it is necessary to adapt to new conditions. The main signs of cognitive disorder include:
- loss of appetite;
- lethargy, apathy, sickly appearance.
This is one of the most insidious stages, when self-pity is very addictive, everything around becomes black and white. A person feels empty inside. The period is dangerous because, succumbing to the overwhelming negativity, you can commit suicide, fall into alcoholism or drug addiction. Thus, people try to distract themselves from reality and instead of accepting they run away from it. It is important to support and monitor a person’s condition, and at the most acute moment of crisis, not to allow them to slide down.
One might say this is one of the ugliest stages of the crisis.
The mess in the soul begins to break out. There have been cases when people not only did not clean their apartment, but also did not wash for months. Problems begin with children and at work. It’s difficult to convey something to a person at this moment; he looks like a robot that does something automatically, but doesn’t really perceive anything.
Often the beginning of this stage is a state of aggression. A person gradually realizes reality, but it is still difficult for him to come to terms with it. Any conversation on the topic of the deceased, he reacts with anger and anger. He gets the feeling that people deliberately remind him of the pain that he tries so hard to forget.
Aggression is replaced by a feeling of guilt. The person begins to reproach himself for not paying enough attention, for not having time to say or do something. Constantly plays mental gum in his head, trying to justify himself to the deceased. However, the feeling of guilt comes again and again, reviving negative feelings and causing pain of loss.
- Adoption
This phase serves as a reward for those who successfully completed the first and second. The personality gradually begins to return to the real world, realizing the fact that his loved one is not around, he is gone forever. Understanding this makes the general condition of a person easier. His appetite returns, his sleep normalizes, and new goals and plans appear in his life.
A state of humility allows you to let go of negativity and look at life in a different way. This is one of the real life cases.
After the death of his wife, the man was left with a teenage daughter. At first, father and child had a hard time experiencing the death of their mother; they practically did not communicate. The man came to work in a dirty shirt, unshaven, his gaze dull and indifferent. A little girl who partially took on the functions of a parent helped him overcome his grief. She began to cook, clean, and iron clothes. At first she was not good at it and her father used to come to work with a singed shirt. But after a while, seeing his daughter’s enthusiasm, he began to return to life himself. He had a goal - to support and raise his daughter.
Crisis periods help us understand that life is not always and always white, it is striped. You just have to endure the grief, and it will sparkle with bright colors again. Self-pity and self-indulgence contribute to the fact that a person gradually slides down. And the deeper you fall, the more difficult it is to get back up. The sooner we reach the acceptance phase, the more precious life time can be saved.
Some people find a way out of the crisis themselves, others need a psychologist. In any case, the most important thing is not to isolate yourself. You can give a person some time to be alone and experience mental trauma, but then you should try to prevent him from withdrawing into himself and communicating with other people.
When a person comes out of his shell and begins to contact the world around him, he comes to understand that your life is no worse than that of others. Communication heals.
The main methods for overcoming the crisis include:
– auto-training (self-hypnosis)
It usually takes 21 days for a person to develop a habit. For example, if during this time every day in the morning you repeat to yourself the expression “I’m fine” 10 times, then after the first week you will feel the result. Your mood will improve significantly and your sleep will normalize.
You can try to turn to faith. It was religion that saved many people from tragedy in the most difficult moments of life. Through prayers, a person becomes stronger spiritually; negative energy simply ceases to affect him.
– setting life goals and guidelines
When a loved one dies, life guidelines change. A certain part of life associated with it remains in the past. Plans for the future collapse, goals are lost. In order not to turn into a biorobot or become a carrier of negativity, you need to shake yourself up and reconsider your plans for life.
Yes, it happened in life that you had to experience the pain of loss, a loved one left, but you remained to live. You should choose a goal and go towards it. This way life will turn into a chain of achievements, not disappointments.
- doing what you love
For many people, the hobby helped them get out of the most severe and protracted depressions. When the creative process occurs, joy begins to permeate life. A person is distracted from sad thoughts, satisfaction arises and the feeling that you still have something to give to this world.
Hobbies can be very different, wood carving, embroidery, cooking, writing, etc. You can choose what you like and improve in it. Who knows, maybe what you love will bring you good income or make you famous? The famous writer D. Rowling, the creator of books about Harry Potter, just wrote fairy tales for her little daughter. During this period, she experienced a strong life crisis, left without a husband, money and a roof over her head.
- helping those in need
This is a difficult and noble undertaking. It should be started only if the person has already left the stage of depression. Otherwise, burnout syndrome may occur. Because helping orphans, the elderly and seriously ill people is not easy. It requires a lot of mental strength, some people will strengthen themselves spiritually, while others may break down again and become depressed. Therefore, it is necessary to evaluate yourself and your strengths objectively.
The main medicine for getting out of a state of pain and grief is patience and acceptance of the situation. Only time and work on yourself will help heal the pain of loss.
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