How to deal with your character. How to deal with childhood fears using words

Inner indecision and uncertainty are inherent in both women and men.

And although it is common for the beautiful half of humanity to be weak and in need of protection, it is not at all natural, due to obsessive tightness and constraint, to limit their own lives in many ways.

Not knowing how to overcome self-doubt, fear and embarrassment, most people with complexes continue to infringe on their needs for fear of doing something wrong. The reasons for insecurity are quite extensive and individual for everyone, but the most common (which can give rise to other consequences) is the regular devaluation of any actions of a child or teenager.

Under rudeness, rudeness, swagger and impudence, the stronger sex often tries to hide shyness and self-doubt, timidity. Fear of responsibilities at work, reproaches at home and the inability to fight back or the indifference of friends...

All this is generated by doubt in one’s abilities, which is the other side of low self-esteem. What reasons can give rise to a person’s self-doubt and fear of communication?

Sources of uncertainty:

• Inflated demands and expectations of others that were not met.
• Parents' conviction of their child's worthlessness and lack of talent.
• Perceiving any failure as a large-scale tragedy.
• Dependence on the opinion of society.

Signs of weak character:

• Inability to answer with a categorical “no.”
• Suspiciousness.
• Subservience and yessing to other people.
• General stiffness and depression in communication.
• Fear of offending someone.
• Inability to make decisions.

Fighting with yourself

Modesty is not at all an obstacle to a full-fledged lifestyle, but uncertainty is fraught with the fact that people do not pay attention to the individual. There is a constant struggle inside a person that unsettles him.

He feels dependent on society and various situations, unable to become independent and self-sufficient in everything, while experiencing terrible psychological discomfort. Psychology considers the question of how to overcome self-doubt from several points of view, based on what influenced the individual - upbringing or his behavior.

It is quite difficult to change some character traits and one’s perception, since habits that began to have a negative impact on our existence were consolidated over the years, and a person considered this normal. Until I realized the true problem, when faced with indecision and fears already in adulthood.

If you start to think about how to overcome shyness and self-doubt, you may be surprised to note that this is a completely solvable problem. But under no circumstances should you continue to fuel this problem by driving yourself into depression and starting to get nervous, and then relieve tension with pills or alcohol.

What to do if self-doubt prevents you from living in peace?

Ways to get rid of self-doubt:

• Doing nice little things for your loved ones, talk about your ideas and thoughts without fear of being misunderstood.
• Workout and leave the comfort zone of a cozy chair and a soft blanket.
• Break down your plans and goals into step-by-step actions. So dreams become not so unattainable and scary.
• Tune in to positive emotions and don't take failures too personally. You need to understand that any bad luck is a valuable lesson, which will give you wisdom and help you more easily achieve your goal. It is necessary to instill in yourself a positive attitude and faith in your own strength every day.
• Stop reconsidering your actions and words through the eyes of other people. Someone else's opinion is good. You can listen to him, but you must always decide for yourself. You cannot allow yourself to be put under pressure and manipulated. Defending your own point of view and not depending on others is the main rule of a confident and successful person.

• Make new friends, get into an environment that will be homely, cozy and pleasant for you, get rid of communication with unlikable people. After all, the sphere of social interaction greatly influences worldview and thoughts.
• Self-esteem– the best ally in the fight against uncertainty and embarrassment. Love yourself.
• Learn something new for yourself all the time, do not be afraid of the unknown and unknown. New facets will allow you to look at the world more broadly and not be afraid of change.
• Easier to relate to important things. Devaluing important aspects will bring relaxation, and you will stop intimidating your subconscious with the eternal “what will happen if...”.
• See a person in a similar situation, which seems frightening and unrealistic to you, who in practice proves his experience and confidence in this matter. Then the fear will dissolve.
• Awareness of the matter(be it a new job or an exam) contributes to the fact that there is nothing to fuel fear. Judge for yourself - why be afraid if you can and know everything?

Tests to help you become more confident

In order to understand how to overcome fear and self-doubt, you can set yourself constant tasks and perform them in different ways, noting for yourself how easier and simpler it is to act in a given case. For example:

• Go to any store and ask the seller to carefully advise you about a certain product, and then thank him and leave without buying anything.
• Approach a passerby and ask for some information.
• Come to a cafe and make an acquaintance with the guy/girl you like, inviting them to a movie or offering them a cup of coffee.

To get rid of uncertainty and take an additional opportunity to become stronger, it is necessary to reveal fears, reminding ourselves that they are only temptations that make us defenseless and susceptible to negativity.

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Let your psyche rest, stop stressing yourself out about things that may not even happen. Start moving forward and repeating to yourself “I can do this!”

Bile man

Bile people are people who react sharply to external stimuli, but at the same time do not splash out their emotions, but make sarcastic remarks. From a physiological point of view, the word “bilious” has a very direct meaning. Due to the fact that a person does not use the energy of anger for its intended purpose - for aggression, he redirects the adrenaline storm to the internal organs. The liver begins to produce bile, the stomach intensively releases gastric juice. But the food doesn't arrive. In fact, the stomach and duodenum begin to digest themselves. Therefore, people prone to anger, as a rule, suffer from gastrointestinal diseases: they develop gastritis, duodenitis, colitis, and ulcers.

When a drunken subject steps on his foot, one would like to hint that he was born in vain. Is it okay to give vent to your anger or not? We decided to consider not the social, but the medical side of anger: what happens in our bodies when we hate others intensely and uncontrollably?

Anger, irritability and spite are rooted in guilt. Sounds weird, right? But if you dig deeper, everything falls into place.

Guilt is a state of personality when it is split into two parts. Roughly speaking, one part of the personality does something, and the second scolds it for it. The feeling of guilt that arises as a result of a wrong action is relatively easy to deal with: you can apologize, buy a gift, pay a fine, confess, serve in prison - depending on the situation, neutralize the wrong action with the right action.

But there is a deeper feeling of guilt that we cannot consciously explain to ourselves. In fact it is. But if previously people with such deviations were admitted to the hospital, today this is considered the norm.

Fight with yourself

The pattern of feelings of guilt and anger at the physiological level completely coincides with the pattern of fear.

When a person experiences fear, the sympathetic part of the autonomic nervous system is activated. That is, as a result of a reaction to a negative event, the body prepares to do something: run, fight, defend itself. This is an instinct that we inherited from our wild ancestors: danger - we must defend ourselves.

The body begins to produce adrenaline, it is injected into the blood and activates all combat-ready parts of the body. Blood flow to the muscles that are responsible for active physical actions increases, heart rate increases, and the pupil dilates. By concentrating forces in the muscles, blood flows away from the skin and away from the internal organs of the abdominal cavity.

If we took active physical action, the adrenaline would be broken down, used up, and the nervous system would come into balance. But after all this heroic preparation, we, unlike our wild ancestors, do not rush to tear the enemy with our teeth, but politely ask the tipsy subject to get off his feet and breathe in the other direction. Therefore, the nervous system is forced to stabilize in a different way.

After the sympathetic part of the nervous system has been activated and energy has not been used up, the seesaw swings towards the parasympathetic autonomic part of the nervous system. All those bodies that are responsible for “peace support” are being activated. First of all, this is the skin and internal organs located in the abdominal cavity.

Due to the fact that a large amount of energy was released, it hits our internal organs with force. This most negatively affects the organs of the cardiovascular system and digestion. An active rush of blood to these organs causes the endocrine glands to work harder, the secretion of gastric juice accelerates, and pressure surges become more frequent.

How are subconscious guilt and anger related?

♦ You are late for work because you cannot find your keys. You assume that being late will cause trouble for which you will be to blame. Perhaps nothing terrible will actually happen, but the inner voice turned off sanity and turned on the jitters. Therefore, anything that makes you linger is . You're late for work because you can't find your keys. You assume that being late will cause trouble for which you will be to blame. Perhaps nothing terrible will actually happen, but the inner voice turned off sanity and turned on the jitters. Therefore, anything that makes you linger causes irritation.

♦ Your dearly beloved husband asks you to hem his trousers. But the last time you hemmed anything was in labor class at school. And they received a well-deserved C for the curvature of the seam. Plus, I need to cook dinner for the child and I would like to watch a movie. You are sure that if you refuse your husband’s request, you will be guilty. And, without refusing and ruining his trousers, even more so. Therefore, the husband’s request causes unconscious irritation: take it to the studio, I didn’t hire him!

♦ As a child, your mother taught you that raising your voice is impolite. And then you see a woman who harshly reprimands something to her husband. You don’t know which of them is right, and in general, other people’s lives are none of your business. But the woman irritates you. Why? The reaction is triggered in a mirror type: if I screamed loudly, I would feel guilty. A woman with her scream pushes you to feel guilty - and this is enough to awaken anger.

5 Methods to Deal with Anger

1 . To “vent” the energy generated as a result of an outburst of anger, you can run, shout, even break dishes. This will not solve the problem associated with guilt, but it will protect your body from another devastating blow.

2. Anger is accompanied by muscle tension. Take it off! Walk through your entire body in your mind's eye, making sure each muscle relaxes. It is also necessary to relieve tension from the lips, jaws, forehead, and around the eyes. If the body is relaxed, there is simply nothing to experience emotions.

3. Do breathing exercises. Regular deep breathing has a magical power: it causes the muscles of the body to relax. As you breathe, notice how the bottom of your lungs fills first, then the middle, and finally your collarbones rise.

4. Self-reflection method. We need to internally answer the question: what can’t I afford myself? After the prohibitions have been identified, you need to understand whether you are ready to remove them. For example, if you've spent your whole life prohibiting yourself from enjoying life wildly, perhaps it's time to try. This way you will stop getting annoyed with people who are noisy and having fun - after all, what is allowed to yourself is also allowed to those around you.

5. It is also interesting to examine yourself for “my” and “not my” decisions. We all have a set of unshakable principles. Who established these dogmas? For example, a person is sure that he is kind. But to the question “Why do you need to be kind?” can't answer. This means that this is not his decision, but his teacher’s. Perhaps it is better to recognize your own natural viciousness and consciously take control of it.

Friends, do you often have fears? What do you do with them? Do you have good methods for dealing with them? Do you know how to deal with fears?

Fear- natural state of the body. We all often experience fear in different situations and for different reasons. It can be useful and warn us against stupid actions: for example, thanks to fear, we bypass a dark alley at night and take a safer road. But sometimes this emotion takes possession of us even when there are no real reasons for concern: for example, a young scientist defending his doctorate cannot put two words together because of the fear of public speaking, or a shy guy is afraid to approach a girl and get to know her. It is these “everyday fears” that will be discussed in this article.

So, fear can become a serious obstacle to a happy life. A person who is afraid of failing, being rejected, being ridiculed and unrecognized is unlikely to succeed. An overly shy person will not be able to make friends, an unconfident person will not be successful with the opposite sex, and so on. What to do if your own fears prevent you from living? How can you deal with them when you seem to be at the mercy of your uncontrollable emotions? We tend to believe that there is a way out, and a person can overcome his own fears. And there is probably only one way to do this.

How to deal with fears. Good ways

It is important to get the right attitude in the beginning. After all, the biggest and most revolutionary changes in a person’s life begin with a small germ of understanding in our brain. An idea, barely noticeable at first, then grows and occupies our entire being. Therefore, it is important to understand: if you do not overcome your fears, then you risk remaining a failure for the rest of your life. Realize this very clearly, imagine yourself ten years from now, and what could happen if you don’t change. Loneliness, poverty, depression? Immediately there is a desire to do anything to avoid this. Awareness of the severity of the consequences is the best incentive to work. So, this attitude should become very clear to you: you intend to fight your fears at all costs. Either you or they - and it cannot be any other way. Now, if you're really committed, it's time to get started.

Many will agree that overcome fear There is only one way - to constantly face it face to face until you stop feeling it. It is absolutely impossible, sitting at home, to decide that you will no longer be afraid, because this prevents you from living and changing at the same time. Instead, imagine that you have a serious illness but can be cured. It won't happen quickly, but you are willing to persevere in treatment, even if it takes months or years. This is the correct attitude.

Fear is closely related to willpower. It is important to understand that all people are afraid. If there is such a person who does not experience fear at all, then this is clearly an anomalous phenomenon. So, if all people are afraid, then what distinguishes a coward from a brave man? The ability to force yourself to step over your fear by force of will. The ability to decide to do something despite fear. If at a public meeting you disagree with the speaker, but are afraid to express your remark so as not to be ridiculed, then you are a coward. If you are still afraid, but still decide to speak out, then you are not a coward for a second anymore, because you were able to overcome it in yourself. It’s not a shame to be afraid, it’s a shame to be so weak that you don’t fight your fear.

So, you will need willpower and persistence to fight. There are no obviously successful “recipes” or “methods” for training willpower. Just fight your shortcomings at every moment of your life, and even when you lose in this fight, try to resume it as soon as possible. This is the only true and reliable recipe. Do not be afraid that people can see your fear - because soon you will overcome it, you are already walking along this path.

One boxer I know, a candidate for master of sports, told me that he was absolutely calm before entering the ring. Someone will be surprised and say: “It’s a pity that I can’t do that.” But this same person admitted that this was not always the case. Calmness is the result of more than seventy fights spent in the ring. Even the greatest people were once afraid, they simply forced themselves to move on by force of will, and that’s the only reason they were able to achieve something. It is important to understand this in order to stock up on perseverance and determination.

— Painful fears have the property of obsession. They “fall” on a person. They paralyze his consciousness, his normal life activities.

In addition, painful physiological reactions occur. With neurotic anxiety, a person’s heart rate most often increases, blood pressure may increase, profuse sweating begins, a person feels muscle stiffness, it happens that out of fear a person cannot move, his legs become shackled - such a stupor is observed. And sometimes, anxiety of a neurotic nature causes a state of panic, excitement, when a person cannot sit still: he begins to rush about, may cry, and gesticulate involuntarily. A person suddenly feels that tears are flowing down his cheeks, and he himself does not understand why this is happening, and, perhaps, even realizes the inadequacy of these reactions, but cannot do anything about them. Those. neurotic reactions can appear by themselves, against the will, in addition to an intellectual, conscious assessment of current events.

— Are fear and anxiety about the same thing?

— Usually, when we talk about anxiety, there is no indication of the subject, a specific object. And fear is always fear of something. Some people are afraid of very specific things: the dark, heights, someone is afraid of water - they cannot go into a river or sea, someone is afraid of dogs, someone is afraid of flying on an airplane, someone is afraid of driving in a car. As a rule, the provoking factors of such fears are events in the past: either the person himself found himself in a situation - he drowned, choked, and as a result he is afraid of water, or he saw that someone else was drowning and was barely pumped out; or, unfortunately, he witnessed someone falling out of a window - for example, a housemate. This can also be imprinted in the mind - a vision of someone else's death or some difficult experiences that another person may experience who found himself in some situation for which he was not prepared, and, in the end, it ended in some tragic circumstances . And this may well be a provoking factor.

When a pathological, painful, insurmountable fear occurs, it is also called a phobia. “Phobias” are fears that a person experiences against his or her will. They cause very disturbing, subjectively unpleasant experiences that have a suppressive effect on a person. Due to the phobias that have arisen, his life cannot proceed as before.

—Are there any other types of fears?

Yes, I have. We constantly live with some types of fear; we cannot escape them. These include so-called existential fears. Existential fear is inextricably linked with the feeling of completion, the finitude of human life. Each of us knows that sooner or later death will come. In addition, there is also fear of the unknown, fear of unforeseen developments of events, fear of loneliness, feelings of one’s own helplessness, and others. Man differs from animals precisely in the presence of existential fears. Since we are representatives of the human race, we go through life with these fears and anxieties. A person must learn to move forward towards his future, not knowing what it will bring: grief or joy.

— Why is one person more afraid in a certain life situation, and another less? What human qualities does this depend on?

— It is an undeniable fact that there are individual differences in the experience of anxiety and fear among different people. For some people, these experiences are characterized by particular severity and intensity. These are neurotic people. They have characteristics of the nervous system and psyche that make them highly impressionable, vulnerable and prone to exaggerating real danger. Such people are called in psychology people of the “anxious-suspicious, phobic type.” They quite often suffer from a tendency towards hypochondria: they are very afraid of pain, they are afraid of contracting any disease, they live and constantly listen to their state of health.

In addition, acquired psychological trauma influences the heightened experience of anxiety and fear. In the lives of some people, circumstances may tragically arise when, over a short period of time, close people pass away one after another: mother, father, brother, sister... God forbid, someone loses their only child... This is one of the most large and heavy losses. When a person’s events line up like this, he feels especially acutely that human life is fleeting, that there is a certain limitation of human strength and capabilities, that a person is susceptible to illness and dangerous situations - then even small troubles are experienced very painfully. The totality of accumulated traumas in a previous life can cause a heightened perception of the experience of current fears and anxieties.

What else could play a role? We all vary greatly in our ability to overcome challenges. This is directly related to the development of human will. There are people who understand everything with their minds, but their will is not sufficiently formed, and therefore the ability for purposeful volitional effort is also limited. There are people who, in difficult situations, are able to mobilize, look their fear in the eye and go straight to it, one might say, headlong. And there are people who are constantly looking for roundabout ways, trying to avoid these dangerous life situations, being careful, playing it safe, or for the time being creating illusions for themselves that “this does not concern me,” “this danger will pass by,” “only others die.” , “only others get sick,” “for me, this doesn’t exist.”

Depending on the type of nervous system, temperament and emerging personality type, each person has his own specific form of psychological protection from unforeseen and dangerous situations. We can say that there is a certain set of human behavior strategies with the help of which a person overcomes his fear and anxiety.

There are people who tend to panic in moments of danger. They do not fight their fear in any way, do not look for any workarounds to solve problems - they immediately capitulate, give up and begin to tremble with their whole being. There is such a phenomenon in biology - a living organism can fall into suspended animation, in a state of stupor or hibernation. People can behave in exactly the same way: once - and the person closes, psychologically “slams shut”, enters a kind of capsule. When such a protective mechanism begins to operate, an adult may fall into a childish, infantile state. He becomes a helpless, naive, stupid creature who cannot be responsible for his words and actions. Based on such a state, a person can “go into illness.” In the face of a dangerous situation, a person may develop various physical ailments, because the illness of the body is much easier to bear than the internal state of fear. At this moment, a person’s lower back may stiffen, their blood pressure may jump, and their heart may ache...

In difficult situations, such a person always has some kind of sore that relieves him of responsibility for making decisions. He lies down on a hospital bed or on the sofa at home and says: “That’s it, I’m sick.” For him, his own illness becomes a kind of refuge into which he plunges; then it is no longer he who decides something, but other people begin to care about him, begin to think about how to help him and how to cure him. In these cases, a person creates for himself a kind of “cocoon” from his physical suffering, from which he does not want to leave. He is sick and does not want to get better. Why? Because as soon as he recovers, he needs to be responsible for his actions and solve real problems. There are neurotic people who have a whole bunch of illnesses. These diseases are a manifestation of psychosomatics: they are part of the psychological reaction to life problems that have arisen. One disease ends, another begins. They get sick, get sick and get sick... Often doctors treat them and cannot cure them: now one part of the body hurts, then another: now the liver, now the spleen, now the lower back, now the pressure, and again in a circle. And these people go to doctors, get treatment, but cannot be cured for a long time, because this bunch of symptoms is based on a psychological root - “avoiding problems.” This psychological mechanism may be conscious, or it may be unconscious.

Such people do not want to recover, because they receive some benefit from their position as an “eternally sick person.” The logic is simple: “What do you want from a sick person?” Nothing can be taken from him, nothing can be entrusted to him. In our practice, we have met people who really wanted to ask the question: “What will you do when you are cured? Do you have any plan for your future life?

Of course, most often we can see such a bouquet of suffering and such a line of behavior in older people. There are quite a lot of people who have retired and no longer work, and when some troubles begin in the family, or losses of loved ones occur (a husband has died, a wife has died, a close relative), and a person begins to walk in a vicious circle constantly emerging illnesses: he goes to doctors, gets treatment, but he doesn’t get any better, because he doesn’t know how to live on now.

Pathological types of fear and anxiety, which are called phobias, as a rule, are always based on a reason - an initial experience when a person encountered certain difficulties, was confused, humiliated, depressed or shocked. This experience of experiencing one’s weakness is involuntarily deposited in a person’s memory. They are postponed and forgotten, because unpleasant, traumatic, painful events are forced out of a person’s consciousness, but do not disappear completely. S. Freud wrote about this. After a certain amount of time, this may manifest itself in the form of a pathological type of fear that suddenly falls on a person. Out of nowhere, suddenly a person develops an obsessive fear, horror from the fact that he, say, finds himself in a crowd of people. And he can't understand why. A person once, perhaps a very long time ago, received a blow to his nervous system, to his psyche, to his personal structure, something in him trembled, was disrupted, some kind of “crack” appeared, and over time it only grows . And after some period of time, new life circumstances may be superimposed on this experience, and as a result, fear may appear to a person a second time, in the form of a state of phobia. A painful mental state arises, which he can no longer drive away with an effort of will, since now this state already possesses him.

Many types of fear are born in childhood, and our experience of practical work shows that often people who are already, perhaps, 40-50 years old, but they say that throughout their lives they have suffered some kind of fear. fear, associated, for example, with the fact that the father was drinking, severely flogged the child with a belt. Children who were disliked by their own parents, severely punished, humiliated and threatened to be thrown out of home, grow up to be neurotic. Some of them even develop mental illness or become suicidal.

— Please tell us more about the fears that come from childhood.

— It happens that children’s fears can be provoked not by aggression, but by the indifference of parents - say, the indifferent, emotionally cold attitude of a mother towards a child. For example, a woman initially wanted to have an abortion, but did not do so; the child was still born, but it may subsequently cause her irritation and anger. When a child turns out to be unwanted, unnecessary, when he is perceived as a burden, the mother can treat him cruelly. Very often, the cause of emotional rejection of a child is resentment against the husband, the father of the child, who drank, cheated, or left the family during pregnancy. Look, the child is not to blame for anything, but he lives and develops in an atmosphere of maternal dislike, indifference, and the absence of some kind of warmth and affection.

In order for children to develop well, study well, and be intelligent, maternal care, affection and love are very important. Especially in the first six months, when the woman is still feeding the baby, bringing it to her breast, when she sings him lullabies, when she kisses him tenderly. At this moment, the child’s attachment to the mother, a positive attitude towards her, as well as a positive attitude of the mother towards the child is formed. And when these relationships are symmetrical, the child develops well.

But many children don't get this. After all, now there are young women who do not want to breastfeed their children because they are afraid of ruining their figure. The child does not receive mother's milk, is fed formula, and is rarely picked up; some nanny is raising him, but not his mother. This alienation from the mother, the lack of emotional warmth, manifestations of love, tenderness deprives the child of a very important resource from which his soul, psyche and his personality are nourished. As a result, the older the child, the more such unpleasant consequences appear. It is precisely in children who are not loved, who are not treated kindly by their mother at a very early age, that very often there is unaccountable tension, fear, timidity, and self-doubt. Such children are often afraid of both the dark and strangers.

In addition, conflicts between parents are very sensitive for a child. Some parents think that at an early age there is no need to even worry about this. And they swear dirty words in front of the child, sometimes they even fight, insult each other, express some kind of aggression, throw various objects at each other. In fact, the younger the child, the more strongly this conflict situation affects him. Of course, parental divorce has the most negative effect on the psyche of children. This can make them seriously ill. Some experience night terrors, enuresis, stuttering, nervous tics, bronchial asthma, and chronic digestive disorders.

Some fears, fortunately, go away on their own with age. If parents come to their senses in time and begin to understand that the child has begun to have psychosomatic reactions of a neurotic nature, they can correct the situation. You can treat the symptoms, but if the situation in the family does not become more favorable, if the parents do not approach this child with attention, with love, if they do not learn to build good relationships with him and with each other, then, naturally, these fears are reinforced, and then cause the development of some kind of mental illness.

— It turns out that fears are closely related to the situation in our family?

- Certainly. The causes of fears may be conflicting relationships in the family or with other people we encounter in society.

For example, there is a type of fear that is associated with the perception of space: claustrophobia is the fear of enclosed spaces, and agoraphobia is the fear of open spaces and large crowds of people. People with agoraphobia are afraid to travel in public transport, in particular, they are very afraid to go down the subway; they are afraid to leave the house, on the street, especially when it’s broad daylight, when everyone is running somewhere... We, Muscovites, have already adapted and don’t notice, but people who come from some Russian outback say: “Oh , you Muscovites are all crazy here; you live at such a frantic pace.” I often go to lectures on the subway, in the early morning hours, when everyone is going to work. In the passage no one talks to anyone, there is tense silence, only the steady clatter of feet can be heard: we are transferring from one train to another. We see frozen, closed, “deaf” faces of people. Many with headphones, immersed in their phones, smartphones, tablets. No one is interested in anyone, complete alienation. Moreover, people stand face to face and nose to nose, sometimes driving for forty minutes in one direction.

We live in a social space that violates all the laws of normal human communication. Because every person has a personal psychological space, that optimal distance that he establishes between himself and another person. But in a metropolis like Moscow, all these spaces are violated. Someone who you don’t know, who you didn’t invite, who perhaps smells bad or behaves provocatively, who is completely indifferent to you, etc. is sure to invade your personal space. There are people who are terribly afraid of this crowd of people in transport, especially in the subway.

From the experience of consultations, I want to say that when such agoraphobia falls on a person, he cannot work, because... I have to take the subway to work every day. Mostly, this phobia affects women, and women who live with their families, but feel loneliness due to some kind of discord in their relationships with loved ones. When people live nearby, but not together, under the roof of the same house, a person experiences a feeling of loneliness. The destruction of the family, which represents the psychological and spiritual unity of people, causes serious trauma to the human soul. A person begins to acutely feel his helplessness and defenselessness, the uselessness and uselessness of his existence. He often loses the meaning of his life. It feels good when we have a sense of community, spiritual and psychological unity, and belonging to each other. When we have a “sense of We,” then we are strong, confident, and calm. We can be very different, everyone can do their own thing, but it is important for us to have a “feeling of community”, to feel support and interest in our affairs and successes from close people.

When there is no such involvement - and this is now in many families - when the husband has his own life, the wife has his own, the child has his own life, then we become lonely in the circle of close people. We met in the evening, had dinner, kissed, went to bed, and ran away again in the morning. Parallel life. This alienation gives rise to a deep feeling of orphanhood, the meaninglessness of existence. God created man in such a way that he needs someone else. A person needs face-to-face communication, he needs trust, community, intimacy, he needs like-mindedness and support. As soon as this personal connection is lost, the person becomes ill. The trigger for this phobia can be an aggravated experience of the feeling of loneliness that comes to a person at this moment, when people are nearby, but not together. Like a trip on the subway - “we are close, but not together.”

— Irina Nikolaevna, you said that different people react differently to stress and fear. One person goes ahead, another looks for workarounds, the third withdraws into a “house”... Are these reactions innate or acquired? Can a person change their reactions? A person who is used to going to the “house” can force himself to go ahead, for example?

“It depends on how far the situation has gone, how painful the symptoms have affected the person. In order for a person to fight this, he must first analyze the situation, he must be able to reflect. Following his feeling, his physiological state, he must come to a conclusion and honestly admit to himself what he is afraid of.

I'll give you my personal example. I myself had experience of struggling with the fear of public speaking - social phobia. When speaking in front of a large audience, fear can literally paralyze us: our thinking and speech are disrupted, at this moment a person can become confused, suddenly break out in sweat, become absent-minded, and forgetful. When we graduated from Moscow State University, our diploma included a record of the specialty we received: “psychologist, teacher of psychology.” I told myself then that I wanted to do science and would never work as a teacher. I said that because I had a feeling of self-doubt inside me, fear large audiences. And in the nineties, when the restructuring of the Russian economy began, you just had to survive, earn money to feed your family and take care of loved ones. On reflection, I realized at that moment that I had no other choice but to go teach psychology at the Institute for Advanced Training of Teachers. There was no other work then.

And just imagine that preparing for the first lecture caused me very serious internal experiences, a reaction of fear, almost panic. I remember how I wrote notes until late, endlessly re-read books... I ironed all my clothes, put on my best high-heeled shoes, and combed my hair carefully. In general, I was terribly worried. The anxiety was such that I couldn’t even sleep at that moment. And, of course, when I came to the lecture, I experienced real horror: there were only men sitting in the hall! I remember that I laid out my papers on the teacher’s table. But I couldn’t even take my eyes off the audience and look at my notes. It seemed to me that as soon as I looked at the papers, everyone would see that I didn’t know the material enough. And it paralyzed me so much... There was terrible stiffness, my speech was all torn into separate phrases... When this lecture ended, I felt that I could barely stand on my feet: everything was stiff... My blouse literally stuck to my back. And then... Then the way out of this state began, which also lasted two whole days. I endlessly replayed all my phrases in my memory, endlessly analyzed them and felt a bitter feeling that everything had gone wrong. I felt very bad at heart... I experienced my failure painfully.

But, probably, studying at the Faculty of Psychology helped - after all, I had a mindset for reflection. I began to mercilessly analyze myself: what am I afraid of? Apparently, the fear was due to the fact that I really wasn’t ready enough for the classes. I had to admit to myself that I don’t yet know this material enough to do without notes. Most importantly, I admitted to myself then that when I was preparing for the lecture, I was more concerned about looking perfect, so that my appearance corresponded to some notorious “norm.” I realized that I have a bias towards chasing the external, to the detriment of the internal content of the lecture. I believe that my healing began from that moment, from the realization that I was more worried about the external than the internal.

At that moment, I pronounced a harsh verdict on myself: I was not yet ready enough for a public lecture, to work with an audience. And you had to come to terms with this, with this realization that even though you only have A’s in your diploma, this type of activity is new to you, you need to learn it, gain experience. And first of all, you need to learn to overcome yourself, your fear.

This situation really helped me a lot. Once there, I realized that I had to get used to the idea that I would have to prepare for these lectures day after day and learn to speak and communicate with the audience. I also realized that if I talk about something new, about something that will be interesting to people, it will attract their listeners’ attention, then I can think less about external things. Thus, shifting the emphasis from form to content liberated me in some way. I can’t say that everything went smoothly on the second try, but at least I realized that I had discovered my fear and made the decision to move forward, towards my fear, overcoming my weakness. I could not imagine then that working as a psychology teacher would later become my full-time occupation.

One of the types of fighting fear is moving towards it: when a person does not hide, does not evade responsibility, does not turn aside, does not look for some way out, does not capitulate, abandoning his goals and objectives. The most dangerous thing, when something didn’t work out and caused an inferiority complex, was to say to yourself: “That’s it, I’d rather not do this at all; I won’t survive this shame.” It is very important to be able to fight your fear, live with it, even use its appearance so that it charges us to work, to search for new development resources in our souls. To do this, you need to activate your will, you need to fight for yourself.

A believer has an important, saving means for overcoming difficulties: when we are afraid of something, do not want, or are not very good at it, we can pray and do some work that is entrusted to us - for the sake of Christ. When you begin to do “for the sake of Christ,” you understand that performing specific activities is your Christian duty, your direct responsibility. We Christians must not run away from responsibility, from this vital Cross. We must voluntarily take responsibility for the work entrusted to us, and patiently endure all the labor required for this. When a person is proud, he, as a rule, suffers from perfectionism, and reasons like this: “Since I cannot immediately do this task with high performance, it means that I am not suitable for this task at all. That's not mine!". No, you can’t think like that! You must be able to come to terms with the state of apprenticeship: today I can do this, tomorrow I can do it a little better, the day after tomorrow I can do it a little better. If I practice, if I diligently learn a new thing that I have never done before, then over time I will definitely master it. Then, imperceptibly, the fear will go away, and some additional personal resources will appear that make a person stronger and stronger.

- So, you have to force yourself?

- Yes. Compulsion is a very important personal resource. But the compulsion must be supported by some higher order motives. For the sake of the well-being of loved ones, for the sake of Christ - here the feat of overcoming one’s weakness already begins. What is a “feat”? This means that you move forward, overcome your natural weaknesses and limitations, and become a person guided by the will of God and realizing a certain meaning.

It is human nature to be afraid and frightened, especially when he understands that he has been entrusted with some very important task. But this is where we are tested, how we act. Remember, there is an episode in the Gospel when the apostles float on Lake Gennesaret, and Christ with them. The Savior sleeps calmly at the stern, and the apostles see that a storm is beginning. They push Him aside and say: “Lord! We are dying! And He says to them in response: “Why are you so fearful, you of little faith?” Those. timidity is at the same time a lack of our faith. Thus, timidity is considered in Orthodoxy as a sin. And the root of all sin is pride, self-love. After all, we rely more on ourselves than on God’s help, which is why we experience various fears.

And vice versa, when a person acquires spiritual experience, the ability to surrender to the will of God, he is given special inner peace, courage and strength.

“This is quite difficult for a person who is focused on solving some immediate and often quite selfish tasks.

— It is noticeable that people who suffer from various phobic and neurotic disorders are not future-oriented. It is very important for a person that he develops, improves, so that he is constantly directed towards the Kingdom of Heaven. When we come to church for service, the first exclamation with which the liturgy begins: “Blessed is the Kingdom of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.” People are reminded of the purpose for which we live and walk the Earth. Aspiration towards such a future is... like light at the end of the tunnel. The desire to enter the Kingdom of Heaven fills us and our lives with meaning. For this sake, it is worth enduring the darkness and crampedness of this movement, some of our own life’s hardships, the burden of responsibility that is entrusted to us.

People who suffer from phobic disorders are more likely to be oriented toward the past. This is one of the characteristic features of their way of life. When experiencing states of fear, a person is afraid of the future, he does not want to change anything. At some point he wants to say: “Stop, just a moment!” If he had any losses, the person suffered, and finally there was some kind of calm. And a person wants to remain in this state forever, and does not want to move forward in any way. He clings to some of his “crutches”, to some forms of psychological defense that he has developed. Any change in the situation for him brings a feeling of something unpleasant, which again unsettles him. Such people stop developing.

By the way, I read in one article that one of the characteristic causes of phobias is rigidity (conservativeness) of thinking. Man strives for some kind of constant, for an unchanging state of his being. Those. he doesn't want to grow, learn, change. Somewhere inside himself he finds a point of support, and holds on to it. For him, predictability is better than unpredictability.

We are all different from each other in this regard. For example, when a person goes on a trip. Some people took it and went. They are confident that if they need something, they will buy it, find it, and figure it out. But there are people who don’t want to go anywhere and believe that you shouldn’t go far from home, because everything is dangerous, and the house is seen as a bomb shelter - “my home is my fortress.”

“If fear seizes a person, there is no psychiatrist nearby, no psychologist nearby. How to deal with this?

If a person is engaged in creative activities, then he can switch to his favorite hobby. Drawing, singing, playing music or simply listening to calm melodies can also have a healing, psychotherapeutic effect. There is, after all, a direction of psychotherapeutic work that is called “art therapy,” i.e. art therapy. It is important to interrupt the painful and unpleasant flow of thoughts; you need to make a switch. It is very dangerous to be in a vicious circle of difficult problems from which a person cannot get out. In this case, he programs himself to develop morbid suspiciousness and fear.

— What are the productive methods of overcoming chronic fear? Not leaving him, but helping yourself!

— The most constructive method is the acquisition of such qualities as courage, courage, courage. What are these qualities based on? In my opinion, this is spiritual strength and devotion to some truly lofty idea.

Let's remember the Great Patriotic War. It’s impossible to even imagine what people went through! What cruel battles there were: the same blockade of Leningrad, Kursk, Stalingrad... It is incomprehensible to the mind. On the one hand, it is clear that they were also very scared. But patriotism and love for the Motherland strengthened their strength. At this moment, people showed miracles of courage and heroism. It turns out that a person has such a resource of courage and bravery that allows him to be the first to attack.

Many films have been made on this topic, and indeed, it often happens that a person initially did not have a fighting character at all, a not so physically hardened organism... But if he was driven by some lofty idea, a great goal, or he wanted to avenge his murdered relatives , such a person gained additional strength. The war showed that when a person is burning in spirit, when he wants to carry out just retribution, his spiritual power can overcome the fear of death, which is common to all people.

Not long ago I read the diaries of Father John Krestyankin. He was a man who saw very poorly and wore thick lenses. When the NKVD officers caught him on a false denunciation, his glasses broke on the very first day. He was left in the state of an almost blind man. Moreover, he was a deeply religious and praying man, who had no idea how to physically stand up for himself. He was probably very scared in these conditions of Stalin’s camps, in conditions of complete uncertainty and unpredictability. He describes one incident from his life: they, repressed, were driven to a place of detention. And there was a moment on the way when it was necessary to cross a river. It was necessary to walk along a narrow log from one bank to the other; Otherwise, the person fell into the abyss and was broken. Father John Krestyankin writes in his memoirs: “I remember that I prayed for a long time that the Lord would help me overcome the obstacle, but I don’t remember at all how I actually walked along a narrow log without glasses. This is a miracle and the mercy of God. I came to my senses already on the other side. No one could help me because it was very narrow there. How I got through, only God knows.”

When a person really trusts in the mercy of God in extreme, critical situations, then there are some amazing strengths and opportunities to overcome something that is impossible to even imagine.

Of course, everything depends on the spiritual maturity of the individual. Courage is a spiritual quality; it can be characteristic of both women and men. And women have such fates! What women have gone through: they took in other people’s children, were scouts themselves, carried the wounded out of the battlefield, and were captured... In general, it’s impossible to imagine: how can a woman in such a situation not die from fear?! After all, any person could humiliate, insult, and physically destroy. But people still survived, somehow overcoming these incredible difficulties. There are completely inexplicable resources here, very high, holy experiences, thanks to which a person becomes a hero.

On the one hand, we are doomed to live in this world, which lies in evil. On the other hand, we can be immune to the evil of this world; and we can even influence this world, illuminate it with our faith, our presence. When a person is filled with an understanding of the height of his task, he can internally gather himself and stand to the last, enduring what seems generally impossible to endure.

Once I had a difficult period in my life. I remember I came to the priest and said: “Father, I have no strength, either mental or physical, I’m very depressed.” And there was fear then, and some kind of depression... My husband was very seriously ill at that time. The priest then told me: “Overcoming fear is like walking on water. As long as you see Christ, as long as you walk, trusting in Him, you will overcome everything. And as soon as you look at your feet, you begin to feel sorry for yourself, you see that you are walking on water, on some kind of shaky surface, and you begin to drown!”

And looking back, you understand how everything was said correctly and on time. Because when a task arises with many unknowns, it is very important for a person to “see the forest for the trees.” Viktor Frankl, a famous psychologist and philosopher, created a whole direction of psychotherapeutic work, which he called “logotherapy,” therapy with meaning. He also visited the camps, found himself in those living conditions when he was mocked, humiliated, when he had to live with a feeling of constant fear of death... The only way to cope with all this is to acquire the understanding that all trials have their own meaning . In order for a person to overcome something within himself, to survive, for him to realize his destiny, he must have a real, meaningful, big goal.

After all, man is miraculously designed. On the one hand, he feels his frailty, fragility, some kind of weakness; and on the other hand, a person is great and strong: in his mind, spirit, and will. There is nothing stronger than this, it turns out. Strength of spirit and willpower makes a hero out of a weak person.

It is important to notice in time the cowardice in yourself that comes from pride, from the desire to protect yourself, to lay straws for yourself, to give up all worries - “I’d rather not do this, I’d better give up on this.” There is a literary character - teacher Belikov, from the story by A.P. Chekhov's "Man in a Case". You can make a “case” from your work, from your family, from your home. While he is in this “case”, it seems to him that he is strong. And if anything changes, he might die from fear.

Remember, Christ says: “Whoever wants to save his soul will destroy it, but whoever destroys it for the sake of Me and the Gospel will save it.” This is a place in the Gospel that is not so easy to understand. If we try to protect and protect ourselves from all troubles on our own, if we try to lay straws for ourselves everywhere, then we are destroying our human soul, because in doing so we cannot fulfill our destiny. And, if a person, with the help of the Savior Christ, humbly accepts all life’s circumstances and sorrows, perceiving them as tests given by God, the person gains the salvation of his soul, he becomes a Christian and confirms his calling.

(Psychologist Elena Orestova)
Spiritual Weapons Against Fear ( Archpriest Igor Gagarin)
Phobias and psychotherapy ( Marina Berkovskaya, psychotherapist)
Aggression breeds fear ( Clinical psychologist Maxim Tsvetkov)
Learn to cope with stress Marina Ivashkina, PhD in Psychology)

Often we suffer from manifestations of stubbornness, impatience, self-deprecation, greed, self-imposed martyrdom, arrogance and self-destruction. These shortcomings prevent us from enjoying life and poison its most pleasant moments. How to deal with your own negative character traits?

Usually disadvantages do not come alone. If you're a martyr at heart, chances are you're impatient. Arrogant people are often greedy, and stubborn people are arrogant. It is not at all necessary to fight all your shortcomings at once. There is a high probability that in place of the disappeared one, a new one will immediately appear. If you find more than five of the signs below, then it’s time to start fighting your own negative traits.

Arrogance

Arrogant people almost always look great and are self-disciplined. And you will agree that these are more advantages than disadvantages.

However, they risk becoming lonely. In addition, they experience failures very strongly and avoid sincerity in communication. And all because deep down they are not confident in themselves.

Signs of arrogant people:

– They don’t need advice and rely only on themselves. Arrogant people cannot stand criticism and are always confident that they are right;

– They never ask for a loan;

– Maintain distance in relationships with colleagues and subordinates;

– They take pleasure in other people’s envy;

– They consider themselves worthy of all kinds of compliments;

– They don’t like to praise others;

– They are often lonely because they have difficulty getting closer;

– They don’t like to be compared to anyone;

– They believe that their parents did not like them;

– They don’t like to lose;

– They don’t know how to express their emotions and don’t like emotional people.

If you recognize many of the traits listed above, then it's time to start fighting your own arrogance. Don't be afraid to be frank! Laugh and don't keep all your emotions to yourself! Don't be afraid to be funny and relaxed! Praise those around you! Show interest in people! Don't be afraid to ask for advice! Even try to treat criticism with humor! Don’t take every comment with hostility! Keep it simple and you will have more well-wishers and friends!

Self-criticism

People who are prone to self-criticism are usually modest, unpretentious and unpretentious. However, low self-esteem, lack of initiative and a feeling of loneliness often poison their lives.

Signs of people prone to self-criticism:

– It seems to them that everything they do is worse than others;

– They always prepare themselves for the worst;

– They blame themselves for all the troubles;

– They do not defend their point of view, agree with criticism addressed to them, and then worry for a long time because of injustice;

– They obey circumstances and do not strive for a better life;

– Often have various unpleasant habits, for example, biting their lips or covering their mouth with their hands, which usually accompany a nervous state;.

– They believe that they did not live up to their parents’ expectations;

– They constantly apologize;

– Often suffer from a feeling of uselessness;

– They believe that their appearance is far from ideal, and sometimes even think about plastic surgery.

– They don’t like to communicate with unfamiliar people, they are afraid of public speaking.

If you find most of the above character traits in yourself, it is vital for you to change your attitude towards yourself. Stop scolding yourself and start praising yourself! You can even try recording your progress and paying more attention to your appearance. Learn to love yourself and the world around you, and soon the world will love you back. Try to take every opportunity to improve your self-esteem. Tell yourself that you can handle any problem in no time. Consider failures and mistakes as annoying misunderstandings and invaluable experience. Learn to make decisions and set yourself a goal in life that you will strive to achieve. Don't set yourself up for failure and you'll be lucky!

Impatience

Impatient people are usually bold and decisive. However, they also have such negative character traits as lack of restraint, expressiveness, aggression, and nervousness.

Signs of impatient people:

– As a rule, they walk quickly, are constantly in a hurry to get somewhere, and even during rest they cannot completely relax;

– They lose things, forget to turn off electrical appliances;

– They tap their fingers on the table, stamp their feet, gesticulate. They cannot do the same thing for a long time; they cannot sit still for a minute;

– They don’t like to wait, they often get irritated for no apparent reason;

– Often come to meetings earlier than the appointed time;

– Accidentally hitting or breaking things;

– It seems to them that everyone around them is a scavenger;

– They always lack time;

– They do not like lengthy discussions;

– They never receive full treatment, they rarely take sick leave;

– It happens that first they speak, and only then they think.

If all this is familiar to you, try to relax for a moment and slow down. All this haste is bad for your health. You need to learn to enjoy life, otherwise it will fly past you.

Try dividing things into groups according to importance. Do the most urgent things first, and then everything else. Try not to take on several things at once. Take a moment during the day to rest. Choose a leisurely activity that you enjoy, for example, start knitting. Instead of rhythmic music, try enjoying the sounds of nature. Time management is your best friend. Make a plan for a month or a whole year and be sure to leave time for rest in it. Learn to live for today.

Martyrdom

Each of us has met such eternal martyrs in our lives. They have valuable character traits such as selflessness and altruism. However, they often dwell on failures and enjoy their own misfortune.

Signs of “great martyrs”:

– They are often depressed;

– They love it when people sympathize with them;

– They believe that they are underestimated and disliked;

– They often feel backed into a corner. They worry about anything and then get sick;

– They slouch, trying as if to appear shorter than their height;

– Their psychological problems often come from childhood. Even now, their parents never tire of reminding them how many problems they caused them as children;

– Constantly expecting something bad to happen;

– Often after quarrels they don’t talk to the offenders for a long time.

If you constantly feel like you are not understood and not loved, might it be better to stop feeling sorry for yourself and change the dissatisfied expression on your face to a smile?

Talk directly about your desires, rather than acting out. People around you have no time to guess your needs and desires. There is no need to get carried away with self-sacrifice, so you should learn to say “no.” Try to give yourself pleasure every day. Do not use “you never” and others with a negative connotation in your speech; it is better to say “I ask you,” “I want it that way,” etc.

Admit to yourself that you are trying to manipulate people by making them feel sorry for themselves. You can simply ask a loved one for help, rather than telling him for half an hour why you can’t do something yourself. Start keeping a diary in which you will try to analyze your words and actions. Make a list of your desires and the reasons why they have not yet been realized. More optimism and very soon there will be no trace left of all these reasons!

Greed

Greedy people know how to enjoy life, but all this pleasure is poisoned by their gluttony.

Signs of greedy people:

– Greedy people do not like to lend;

– They love to eat delicious food and can easily eat the last bite of something delicious;

– They love shopping and cannot resist making another purchase;

– Traded in markets and shops;

– They envy more successful people;

– Everyone around is perceived as potential rivals;

– Greedy people are usually jealous because they perceive their partners as their property;

– At home they wear whatever they like, but they buy things of status;

– Their parents limited them in many ways in childhood, and now, having received the opportunity to buy whatever their heart desires, they have a blast.

If you notice that you are not a stranger to greed, you should moderate your appetites. Tell yourself that what you already have is enough to make you happy. Don't suffer from the lack of something, rather enjoy what you have.

Fatalism

Fatalists are often ready to sacrifice everything for the sake of loved ones. They do everything without caring about their own health or even life.

Signs of fatalists:

– Fatalists believe that what will happen will inevitably happen;

– They have addictions and do not take care of their own health;

– They love to feel the rush of adrenaline in their blood and often engage in extreme sports;

– Suffer from nervous breakdowns and cannot control their emotions;

– They can influence people and are easily influenced;

– Often exposed to violence as a child;

– Dissatisfied with some features of their appearance;

– They often feel lonely and unwanted;

– They don’t like critics and love compliments addressed to them.

If fatalism drives you into a trap, forcing you to test your strength, you should learn not to get into unpleasant stories. Try the following exercise: before you do anything, take a breath and weigh the pros and cons. You will see that you will do much less rash things. Try to understand that you are not enough for everything, no matter how much you strive to embrace the immensity.

Stubbornness

Stubborn people are characterized by two opposing qualities - determination and fear of change.

Signs of stubborn people:

– Stubborn people do not like to admit their mistakes;

– They do not like to listen to advice, trying to solve all problems on their own;

– It is difficult for them to take decisive actions;

– Not inclined to change their decisions;

– Many people have facial wrinkles on the bridge of their nose;

– They like to sit with their legs and arms crossed;

– As children, their parents often punished them for disobedience.

A simple psychological exercise will do no harm to stubborn individuals: imagine yourself as a fish in a school swimming in a huge ocean. The fish is forced to swim along with its relatives, and cannot lag behind them. Try to enjoy the movement and enjoy the company of your own kind. Learn to be flexible in communicating with others. Don’t think that everyone around you dreams of ordering you around. In addition, you should leave yourself the right to make mistakes.