We continue the series of publications dedicated to the “People from the Closet” series. In the previous material, the topic of self-realization was started. As mentioned earlier, the need for self-expression is the only healthy need, which can be one of the important components of success, but for oneself, and not for society.
What is self-expression? This is a manifestation of yourself. This is a “departure into reality” of everything that only you can, want and are capable of doing. Self-realization may reveal answers to questions such as: “why do I live?”, “what is the meaning of my life?” and so on. It is the possibility of self-realization that gives a person fullness of life, a sense of his own need, importance, and significance. It saves you from harmful thoughts: “I live in vain.” One might even suggest that self-realization is one of the fundamental needs typical hero of the book series "Men in the Closet".
But, despite the apparent clarity of the topic, which may sound like this: “If you want to do something, do it!”, in practice everything turns out to be much more complicated. Main character books, - a typical loser is faced with the fact that he does not know himself, and therefore, he does not know what exactly is the work of his life. He is afraid to express himself, because then he will lose the illusion of cohesion with society. And society turns out to be more important to him than himself! Hence all his problems: the inability to be within one’s own boundaries (there are no boundaries), a lack of understanding of oneself, hence the lack of fulfillment, a lack of understanding of why I live, the feeling that “I don’t exist” (because I hid myself “in the closet”) and other experiences , which do not allow you to live and create calmly and happily.
Why this topic Does it start with self-realization? Because it is self-realization (the opportunity to do what you feel drawn to by your own soul) that fills a person with healthy confidence, a feeling self-importance and values, and not at all success in society. However, it also works Feedback: A sense of self-worth provides an opportunity for healthy self-actualization. A person does not need to prove anything to society (he has all healthy sensations within himself), so he calmly realizes himself in this world. However, here too it is worth distinguishing between concepts. Realizing oneself does not mean gaining recognition from society (as the hero believed at the beginning of the famous story). To realize yourself means to accomplish what you consider important for yourself, to complete the tasks you have set for yourself.
However, due to the complexity of the process, a confused hero, a person dependent on society, can still get lost in the darkness of his own psyche for a long time, looking for an answer to the main questions.
The lack of healthy self-expression coupled with the need to feel useful and important creates a distorted feeling self-importance. People call it ChSV. The feeling of self-importance is completely false, superficial. Its typical bearer is the “peacock”, proving to the whole world that he alone has the right to “wear the crown” due to his exceptional importance. And this feeling requires “proof” - success. Such an individual, as a rule, arouses deep hostility towards himself.
Let's say the hero has realized his problem and wants to deal with it. What do we have to do? Where to start? How to get out of the circle and become normal person who wants to live and knows why he should live?
First steps towards recovery
- Reprogramming childhood.
This time we will not resurrect what exactly happened and when. What events happened, who said what. It doesn't matter at all. It is much more useful to start reprogramming yourself - the child - right now. Right from the moment you started reading this article.
You yourself imagine and make permanent your new sensations, your fairy tale.
How healthy do you feel in your relationship with your parents?
- Your parents regularly pay attention to you. You read books together, play games, go for walks, to the theater, watch children's cartoons and discuss them. You feel: you are seen, you are given importance.
- You know you are loved. You feel cared for and supported, even when your parents are angry with you. Any punishment is fair. And therefore, you are not offended.
- Your parents, your home is safe safe place. You know that you will always find support here. And even if you did something wrong, your parents will defend you in front of strangers. If they think it necessary, at home, in private, they will say that you are wrong. And they will explain why. But even in your wrongness you feel love and support.
- They praise you. Your drawings, inventions, discoveries will always be noticed and appreciated. Generally positive. If there are any shortcomings, they will tell you about it. But, in general, your parents are always happy about your desire to learn new things.
- You are taught to deal with failure. Failure is just interesting game- learning something new. If something doesn’t work out right away, then you need to try further. And then it will definitely work out (you are always convinced of this)!
- You are given the right to think and make decisions for yourself. The areas where you are responsible have been identified. However, when you have problems that you cannot solve, your parents are always ready to help.
- You feel respect for your feelings and thoughts. Your thoughts don't have to be genius. But they exist, and parents attach importance to them.
2. Exercises for you - an adult
Try to catch the healing sensation: a feeling of inner value, like many little stars in the abdomen. More precisely, in the navel area. They move in dark (the color of the universe, sky) space. They live, sparkle, fill completely, the whole body! They give you weight, a sense of yourself, your own talent, wonderfulness, and uniqueness.
And in this all of me is valuable - all my manifestations, all my sorrows, all my joys. And I don’t need to prove my talent to anyone (beg for the right to life), because my value is in my integrity, in everything about me.
4.1666666666667 Rating 4.17 (3 Votes)
We all evaluate our appearance differently, but there is no woman who does not care about this topic at all. At the same time, we want to please not only men, but also friends and colleagues, we follow fashion and trends and new products in the beauty industry - in general, we do everything possible.
These efforts do not always lead to desired results, and sometimes there are periods in life when you really don’t care about how you look. The heroines of the show came to the conclusion that something needed to be done with their appearance, but before going to the stylists, they figured out the reasons for their dissatisfaction.
The project psychologist talks about what prevents us from starting to like ourselves, debunks myths about beauty and gives useful advice.
How often do internal problems affect the way a woman takes care of her appearance? What difficulties could these be and how does this relate to the fact that she stops liking herself?
I don't have such statistics. Happen various options. Both men and women can mobilize when faced with difficulties, or they can give up. What do you understand by internal problems? Death loved one, severe diagnosis, the birth of a child, divorce, dismissal from work - these are events that cause intense feelings. A person reacts the way he reacts.
Is it true that the prevailing belief is that attractive appearance (weight, model figure) is the key to success in personal life? Is this important at all or can you build relationships and be happy without devoting your appearance special attention?
I have not encountered such a belief. Attractive appearance is nothing. Attractive to whom? When a woman looks repulsive, she can be attractive. For example, for your friends. After all, they are beautiful against her background! Success in your personal life - at what stage? At the stage of seducing a man, during the period of bearing a child, feeding a baby, in the fifth year of marriage?
What do you mean by “not paying much attention to your appearance at all”? Brushing teeth, using toilet paper Are neat clothes a sign of caring about your appearance?
It is important that a woman or man is satisfied with her sexual partner. I know a couple who have been together for many years. A traditional chicken coop that hasn't been cleaned for three months is cleaner and smells better. These people have been together for more than 12 years. And they feel great. They suit each other. They have a daughter. She is about 25 years old. She meets friends anywhere, just not at home. And that's okay. The child respects the preferences of mom and dad. But he wants to build his life in different traditions.
Does taking care of your appearance help improve your mental state? Glossy publications often recommend a new hairstyle, a change in image and style. Is it true that this could work?
The question of the stability of the effect. Each person is individual. When changing your image leads to the expected result, then go ahead! If not, you will have to look for other ways to adjust your state of mind. In such a case, changing the image or purchasing something will be an auxiliary means.
I don’t know a single person for whom the transformation of appearance or the acquisition of a long-desired item brought joy and self-confidence into their life for more than three weeks. Judge for yourself: is it possible to find spiritual support in a watch, hairstyle, shoes, car? What or who is always with a person? Only himself.
If a woman’s appearance does not meet some accepted standards - let’s say she likes something that does not correspond to her age - does this indicate any problems, or is it enough to like herself?
A working woman will have to meet the requirements of the enterprise. If her internal messages protest against the rules, then seek a compromise or quit. A person changes daily. Preferences in food and colors change. It is necessary to follow internal messages.
But under the control of the brain! Direct conflict with the employer will result in job loss. Friends will start to shy away, move away from loved ones. Reasonableness in action and self-expression is necessary. When you have a great need to express yourself the way you want, just choose to do so. appropriate place and time.
Read on the second page: what to do if your partner is dissatisfied with his appearance; if you don't like yourself; how to stop depending on beauty standards.
You don't have to be a supermodel, the main thing is naturalness and good mood. Photo: thinkstockphotos.com
If there is a conflict with a partner over style or appearance, how to solve this problem? A man says “lose weight!”, for example. What to do?
I suggest you think about what message is behind the words “it’s time for you to lose weight.” Perhaps: “I’m worried about your health, or my sexual preferences have changed, or when I fell in love with you, you weighed 65 kg. And now 115 kg. We didn’t agree that way.” Having determined hidden meaning, behind this phrase, it will be easier to make a decision to stay with this person or break up. Decide whether relationships are important to you or not. And if they are important, then urgently come to the negotiating table! IN love relationships sex appeal the object of love is an important component.
If there is a problem - I don’t love myself, I don’t like who I am - should this be changed or should I still love it?
I think the problems are pure form“I don’t love myself” no. There are specific manifestations of intrapersonal and interpersonal conflicts. Indeed, “I don’t love myself” in what situations? As a child, I am attentive to my parents. In this relationship, “I love myself.” IN intimate relationships doesn't add up. I stop liking myself about them. The phrase “I don’t love myself” is total. A person puts himself into a trance. No exit. Explore, look for the manifestations in which you like yourself. Start recording. And add to your wonderful list once a week!
Are there any simple general tips on what to do at first if you don’t like yourself at all?
The recommendation is simple. Focus on what you like about yourself. If you find nothing, then pay attention to your own breathing. The way the fingers of the left hand bend. Listen to your heart beat. Inhale the air through your nose and feel the temperature difference. Thank your lungs for their every second work. And gradually begin to expand the list of things that bring you joy. Please remember that this is only your concern and responsibility to own life- like yourself.
How much influence can they have? general standards on a person’s idea of his appearance? Is it possible not to depend on this at all?
Who adopted the general standards? Society? It's nothing. Please, by name, who adopted the standards? When a client tells me, “that all men like this and that and that and that...” I ask you to list all the men by name. Already at this stage of the conversation, the idea of stereotypes begins to fall apart. The young woman at the reception, tragically wringing her hands, sadly reported that her husband’s friends, all of them, were scoundrels and drunkards. They began to figure it out. It turned out that out of 12 people, 10 were quite decent people. The husband drinks with one, and she quarrels with the other. Life began to improve instantly.
We live in a society. It is impossible to completely protect yourself from every second recommendations on what to eat, drink, wear, how to live, what body to wear. The STS channel broadcasts the program “Weighted People.” Some participants in the project have husbands that are twice as heavy as the women themselves. So what? They suit each other! It’s another matter when there are medical indications for weight correction.
To follow stereotypes less, please listen to your common sense, the wishes of your sexual partner and the requirements of the organization in which you work.
3746
About goodness
“It’s interesting that the presenter may not go on air because he has Bad mood? I never remember that one of the presenters began to instill melancholy and negativity in the listeners. Maybe they have an “oath to the discoverer of radio Popov” - similar to the Hippocratic oath of the doctor, in which they swear not to harm innocent listeners under any circumstances? It would be funny if all the people in the city suddenly took such an oath on the same day and began to communicate with each other, like radio hosts.”
About meetings
There were 33 meetings - the first round. I was pleased to communicate with every man I described. And we can conclude that a man likes to try for a lady.
Even if you see her first and last time. And I had all my meetings once, except for one man.
And I am grateful to every man and thanked everyone for innocent meetings, emotions and impressions! Once again I want to say THANK YOU! In gratitude, I described each of my meetings too!
I described my thoughts and emotions in previous articles.
Everyone Thanks a lot again!
I would like to write “Thank you, I found myself a man”!
But this is not the case yet.
I take a time out between rounds. Not because I’m tired, but because the meetings are repeated time after time and describing the same thing in the gray realities of Mariupol is not only boring, but as if I’m tired of everyday life.
It would be great
One can vividly imagine how two workers meet at the Admiralty Shipyards and one says to the other with a wide smile: “ Good morning, Peter! I, Ivan Nikolaev, wish you a wonderful day, full of hopes and discoveries! May good luck accompany you all day long in all your endeavors!”, and the second worker, also smiling broadly, answers him: “Thank you, thank you for nice words! Good morning to you too, Ivan! On this magical day, which will last six hours and one minute, which is a full minute more than yesterday, which means that today there will be more more light and joy, me too, my dear work colleague, I want to wish you a great working day and have a wonderful evening!”
Here and now
Live here and now and don't look around. Breathe deeply and do not forget that only you are responsible for your thoughts and actions.
The motives and actions of strangers
Others are also concerned public opinion. You are not paranoid and you are not the only one. People around you also care what people think of them. So the next time someone criticizes you, put yourself in their shoes. Perhaps you did something that this person has long dreamed of and did not dare to do. And now they just want to bring you back to earth. Remember this, and then it will become easier for you to endure criticism and understand the motives of the actions of others.
Complexes and fears are the norm of society
Many people already know that they need to strive to be themselves, ignoring what others think. They are well aware that other people can think whatever they want, projecting their personal complexes and fears into the outside world, evaluating everyone through their cloudy prism. However, all this knowledge is shattered in the first acts social interaction: a business meeting, friendly party - whatever.
conclusions
Everyone already understands well that other people’s thoughts about us do not always correspond to reality. But our idea of their opinion also does not correspond to what they actually think about. And their idea of us, in turn, also does not correspond to reality!
Thank you, no need... (excerpt from E. Shubina about everything)
At first you wait for something... For a very long time. You believe, hope, check, maybe it has already happened or will happen soon. Well, depending on the circumstances, it depends on what you are waiting for... And then the feeling of “thank you, no need” comes. Calm, even, without strain, the understanding that even if this happens now, you will no longer be able to accept and enjoy it as when you were waiting. So, thank you, no need. Now... like this... after all this - no need. No, I'm not capricious. I don't manipulate. I don't overcharge. Simply no.
And it doesn’t matter that someone understood, decided, realized and is finally ready. You should have thought earlier. Earlier. Trains leave, planes take off, people stop waiting. All? Yes all. And you don’t need this... how can this be, these are circumstances, how can you not understand? Understand. I accept. But I don't want to anymore.
You look at it briefly and think: aren’t you scared? Isn't it scary to bury your dreams? No, it's not scary! Because a dream, insulted by a long wait, is no longer a dream. The energy drains out of her. Let's die already? - Well, let's! Therefore, it is better to let go of your dreams when it is already clear that waiting is becoming a habit.
I would like to ask many people, and sometimes myself: why do you think that they will wait for you? Waiting and waiting for so much time, so many times, how do you get such confidence that you are worth it? What time spent with you is so priceless for someone that they won’t find something to fill their real life with instead? You know, even the greatest love can end if you constantly deceive a person’s expectations. And what can we say about friendship, about work?
So don't keep people waiting. It’s quite disgusting to hear in response “Thank you, no need.” However, feeling emptiness inside instead of hope is also not a thrill...
Solo Monova
Unenviable prospect -
To be ground into powder.
After the women's team
And it’s good in purgatory!
Have you seen the beasts in the pictures?
Thick mucus dripped from them.
If the aunts flocked together,
So the beasts have spread.
The aunt is essentially quieter than a mouse,
Everything is OK! 36 and 6.
But in quantities of two or more
It's just starting to get rough!
There's definitely an infection somewhere -
Primitive bastard...
This is the collective mind,
At least there is little sense there.
A group of aunts is a dashing group
[Inquisitors secret headquarters],
There is a task - not a day without a corpse,
The larger the group, the larger the scale.
Not from poverty, not from anger
The heart requires slaughter:
Aunties wash each other's bones
After all, without this - depression:
Immediately - a gap in the annual balance sheet,
There are holes in the frames from “A to Z”...
That's why I'm freelancing -
No way!
HOW IS THE AVERAGE, MARIUPOL NOT VERY KNOWN MAN ASHAMATED, IN PRINCIPLE, TO APPEAR INSOLVENT, and what does he say or write about it, and in 90% of cases?
This is a unique book! It will help you master Dale Carnegie's communication techniques. Fast. Reliable. Maximum efficiency! All Carnegie techniques are presented clearly and concisely - in just 10 lessons. Practical exercises for each lesson they will help you quickly master all the tips of the master of communication and learn how to apply them in real life. Typical difficulties that may arise when mastering techniques are analyzed, and ways to overcome them are indicated. This training book will be useful to anyone who wants to learn how to persuade and achieve all their goals! Some of the texts used in this book were published in the books “All Carnegie: cheat sheets, formulas, tips and exercises” and “Carnegie. All the secrets of communication in one book." This edition is an expanded and expanded version of these books.
A series: Psychology for everyone
* * *
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Make the person feel important
The undeniable truth is that every person you meet feels superior to you in some way. And the surest way to his heart is to let him understand in a subtle way that you recognize his significance in his small world, and admit it sincerely.
You will instantly win the affection of someone you truly admire
The ability to sincerely admire the strengths of other people works wonders! Observe people who are especially popular and successful in society - and you will understand what their secret is: they know how to see the good in others and tell them about it, and they do it sincerely.
Crude flattery and fawning will not deceive anyone - this way you will not earn the trust of others, but will only alienate them. It's a completely different matter when you sincerely recognize the merits and merits of other people and express your admiration from the bottom of your heart. Someone you truly admire will remember your good words for life and will always consider you the best of people. You will instantly win a person's favor if you make him feel important.
There is one most important law human behavior. If we obey it, we will never find ourselves in an unpleasant situation, since it will provide you with countless friends and constant prosperity. But if it is violated, we immediately find ourselves in endless trouble.
This law says: always act in such a way as to give the other person the impression of your importance.
Dale Carnegie. "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
Dale Carnegie says that the ability to admire others can even completely change one's destiny, as it did with English writer and playwright Hall Kane (1853–1931), author of the popular novels The Christian, The Judge, and The Manx Man. The writer was the son of a blacksmith, and his education was limited to eight classes. And, perhaps, he would never have managed to become one of the most famous and richest writers of his time, if not for his youthful passion for the poetry of Dante Gabriel Rossetti. One day Kane wrote a letter to Rossetti, where he admired the masterpieces that came from his pen. Rossetti was so delighted with this message that he invited young man to himself in London and offered to become his secretary. This is how Hall Kane, the son of a blacksmith, found himself in the circle of the literary elite of Great Britain, thanks to which his development as a writer took place.
You may think that you have to be born with the ability to admire people. You can say: I’m a completely different person, I don’t have the same character, etc. But in fact, anyone can learn this. And there is nothing complicated about it. You'll see: once you learn to admire people and recognize their importance, you will feel that it is very simple and natural. And you will wonder why you didn’t do this before.
In order to gain the ability to admire people, you need to learn just one secret: Everyone deserves admiration, including you.
Start with yourself!
You have strengths that others don't have. And others have virtues that you don’t have. In this sense, we are all equals, no one is better or worse, just everyone is special, unlike anyone else, with their own sum of the best qualities.
To recognize the importance of another person, you just need to learn to first recognize your own importance. If you a priori recognize yourself as a significant, worthy person with mass positive qualities– it will not be difficult for you to recognize the importance of another and demonstrate it to him.
Understand that any person really wants someone to recognize his merits and notice his merits. And you want it too! You would be very pleased if someone came up to you and told you how much they appreciate your abilities and talents, your special qualities and your achievements in anything.
Unfortunately, people are most often busy with themselves. They do not notice the talents, merits and achievements of others. And if they notice, they don’t say it out loud and don’t admire other people’s virtues. Much more often you can find envy and slander about someone's success.
This is the biggest mistake most people make. We are not ready to admire each other - but we are always ready to criticize. Is it any wonder that relationships between people so often leave much to be desired?
Start with yourself - and you can easily correct this mistake! Believe me, if you learn to admire yourself and recognize your own importance, it will not cost you anything to recognize the importance of others. Moreover, you will do it with pleasure.
Exercise 1
First admire yourself - then others
Find a time when no one will disturb you. Sit in a comfortable position, relax, drive away extraneous thoughts. Take a pen and notebook. Next, perform the exercise in five stages.
First stage. Place the number 1 at the top of the sheet and write: “I am good man».
Let this become an axiom for you. Repeat this phrase to yourself out loud and mentally often.
Then you need to write down nine more points (at least as many as possible) where you formulate phrases that reflect your good attitude to yourself. These can be either purely emotional statements (for example: “I am a real miracle”) or a listing of the positive qualities that you are proud of in yourself. Write down everything positive that you remember about yourself, in any formulation convenient for you. You can, for example, write: “I am kind,” or you can resort to a more detailed formulation: “I know how to sympathize with people, understand them, show compassion,” etc.
It may be difficult for you at first to immediately express a good attitude towards yourself in ten phrases. Take your time. Drive away doubts and bad thoughts About Me. At least for a while, forget about your shortcomings. Your job is to focus on the positive qualities. It doesn't have to be anything significant. Remember your behavior in some life situations, when you showed yourself on the good side: you helped a friend, did some brave act, accepted correct solution, reached their goal.
When you have ten points (this is the minimum, but more is possible), read them out loud, one by one, adding after each point: “I am worthy of admiration!”
Don't consider this immodest. Believe me, each of us is worthy of admiration for every little thing in which we showed ourselves with the best side. Life is a rather complicated thing, and it is not so easy to express your best qualities. Very often, society encourages us to demonstrate our best sides, and even from childhood, as a rule, we are told more about our shortcomings than about our advantages. And if, under these conditions, you show virtue despite everything, then you are worthy of admiration. Admit it to yourself. Start to truly admire yourself. After this, you will easily be able to admire others, and this admiration will not hurt your feelings in any way self-esteem.
Second phase. When you have completed the work of the first stage, on another sheet of your notebook write: “My good luck and successes.” Remember everything you did well, starting from childhood. Most people remember their mistakes and failures well and carry this negative experience all life. Whereas we tend to forget good luck and successes, and even more - very often we simply don’t notice them! When we do something well, it seems to us that it goes without saying, and we don’t even bother to praise ourselves or congratulate ourselves on our success. Well, it's never too late to do this.
Take the time to review your entire life and write down all the successes and successes, even the most insignificant ones (or those that seem insignificant to you). Let you have at least ten points. Think about your school successes, your excellent grades in exams, your achievements in sports or other competitions, the work you did better than others. Having written down at least ten points, reread them out loud, after each point adding: “I succeeded!”, “I did it!”, “What a great fellow I am!”, or another similar phrase of your choice.
Third stage. Go to the mirror and, looking at your reflection, say out loud:
I am very good, worthy man.
I wonderful person. I am worthy of admiration simply for being who I am.
I have many advantages(list).
I have such wonderful qualities as...(list).
I'm great at doing...(list what exactly).
I have achieved success in...(list what exactly).
I know a lot and can do a lot. This is something to be proud of.
I am worthy of love and respect. I love and respect myself. I am who I am, and that's wonderful.
This part of the exercise must be performed daily.
Fourth stage. Take your notebook and pen again. Now you need to write the names of your closest people - those with whom you communicate constantly. This could be a spouse, children, parents, close friends, etc. For each of them, allocate two pages in your notebook. Fill out these pages in the same way that you filled them out for yourself when completing the first and second stages of the exercise. To begin with, try to at least temporarily forget about the shortcomings of these people and your complaints about them. Your task is to find as much good in them as possible.
First, you need to write ten phrases expressing your good attitude towards each of these people (the first paragraph could also be that he or she is a good person). Then list ten things that this person does well, or successes, or simply things that he or she does well. Just start each paragraph not with the pronoun “he” or “she”, but with the name of this person. Then read aloud, also adding the phrases at the end: “I admire him!”, “He is worthy of admiration!”, “He’s great!”, “I’m proud of him!” or the like.
Fifth stage. Think about how you can give each of these people words of approval and admiration - so that it is sincere and does not seem inappropriate. At the first opportunity, be sure to tell everyone how great he is, how proud you are of him, etc., emphasizing the merits and successes of this person that you have identified. You will understand how easily you can change your relationship for the better thanks to this, and do it instantly.
You can improve your relationships very quickly if you give up the habit of considering someone inferior to you, and instead start from the truth that everyone is inferior to you in some ways and superior to you in others. Agree, you can hardly consider that you are higher and better than others if, for example, you sing or draw well, but others cannot. But they may have excellent math skills that you don’t have, or they can oratory what you are not good at. Recognizing and respecting your strengths, also begin to respect and recognize the strengths of others. And then you will be able to treat all people as equal and equally worthy of admiration and recognition.
Learn the art of small pleasantries
Watch your behavior: do you have a habit of emphasizing that you are better and superior to anyone else? Do you always strive to insist that you are right? Does it happen that you get angry, swear, or become loudly indignant if someone behaves differently than you think is right? Start eradicating such habits in yourself. Remember: any aggression, any attempt to “put someone in their place” always leads to a deterioration in relations, to inciting or worsening conflict. Remember that the other person does not consider himself inferior to you and will never agree with this. Therefore, he will resist any attempt (voluntary or involuntary) to humiliate himself.
Remember that any potential conflict situation you can smooth things over without compromising your self-esteem if you learn the art of small pleasantries. It's not difficult at all! When any word of criticism or condemnation is ready to escape your lips, pause and replace it with any polite, courteous and calm phrase that is appropriate. You will see that the result will be much better for you than if you criticized and cursed!
If, for example, the waiter brings us mashed potatoes instead of the French fried potatoes we ordered, let's say, “Sorry to bother you.” “Would you be so kind” ... “Would you like” ... etc. - these little pleasantries, like oil, lubricate the gears of the monotonously working mechanism of daily life and, among other things, are a sign of good upbringing.
Dale Carnegie. "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
Of course, it’s not so easy to start treating all people without exception with respect, let alone admiration, especially those whom you are accustomed to condemn, criticize, or who do not evoke your special sympathy.
But don't forget that people very often treat you the same way you treat them. And if you don’t love someone, and even more so openly demonstrate it, you will receive dislike in return. If you criticize and condemn, you will also be criticized and condemned. If you push people away with rudeness, anger, aggression, they will start pushing you away too, and in the end you will be left alone.
But you can avoid all this if you just slightly shift the angle of your perception. Remember that there are no people who are 100% bad, just as there are no 100% good people. They are good or bad only in your perception.
But this is your own choice - what to see in a person first of all: bad or good. And if you consider someone bad, or unworthy, or put him below you, it means that you simply do not want to see positive, positive qualities in him. Your perception is biased - do not forget about it. And it is in your own interests to correct this perception in a positive direction.
It is within your power to change hostility to friendliness and antipathy to sympathy.
It happens, of course, that a person has done you some real harm, and you cannot forget it. In this case, if a person has not repented and changed his behavior, of course, the best way out It will be easy to stop communicating with him. But in all other cases, you can completely improve your relationship even with those with whom you have quite tense ones. You can go from disliking to liking. Try to do this in all cases where there is even the slightest chance. To do this, try to forget about what you don’t like or irritate about a person and find something for which you can highly appreciate him. And don't forget to tell the person about it!
Of course, there is no need to move too abruptly from hostility to admiration - this will look suspicious and can cause bewilderment, or even rejection. But try first to move at least to a neutral attitude towards this person, then to a benevolent, friendly one, then, as if by chance, tell him something good about him for some minor reason. And if his reaction is positive, you can talk more openly about his merits.
Important: tell people about their merits not when you want to get something from them. Do it selflessly and without any reason.
And most importantly, don’t expect anything in return. Only then will your sincerity be appreciated.
Exercise 2
Replace hostility with kindness
Take a pen, a notebook and make a list of people with whom your relationship is not very good due to the fact that these people are unlikable to you, cause your condemnation or hostility.
You will have to do this exercise as many times as there are people on your list. Work with only one person on the list at a time.
Complete the exercise in six steps.
First stage. Imagine the first person on your list. If it makes it easier for you to imagine, close your eyes. Think about what exactly you don’t like about him, or maybe what causes your indignation and hostility. Remember the situation of your first meeting (or the situation when you first felt hostility towards this person). Remember what caused this. Did this person behave in a way that was unacceptable to you? Or said or did something bad towards you? Or does your dislike have no specific reason - you just don’t like the person, that’s all?
Try to imagine yourself in his place. Does he feel happy or not? Are you satisfied with yourself? What worries him? Does he like how his relationships with other people are? What does he want, what does he strive for, what does he dream about?
Second phase. Mentally ask him for forgiveness for judging, criticizing him, and feeling hostility towards him. Mentally wish him well. Imagine that he looks at you with a smile and you see his kind, warm gaze.
Third stage. Now think about the fact that there are probably people who love this person and treat him with sympathy. They probably see something good in him that you don't. Think about what it could be. What strengths does this person have? Why can you sympathize with him? What is there about him that you can admire? Maybe he has some qualities that you don’t have and that you would like to acquire? What do you think you could learn from this person?
Remember: you can learn something from every person you meet, just as everyone you meet can learn something from you.
Fourth stage. In your notebook, make a list of all the positive qualities of this person and write what you would like to learn from him.
Fifth stage. Imagine that this person is standing in front of you, and mentally address him with approximately the following words: “I respect you and admire you for the fact that you... (list: for example, an excellent professional, a master of his craft, wonderful mother, loving father, you always look great, play chess very well, etc.). I would like to learn from you... (name what). You are a good, worthy person. I treat you well."
Sixth stage. Find an opportunity in real life to tell this person good, kind words about his merits.
By admiring people unselfishly, you can get unexpected benefits
Dale Carnegie repeatedly emphasizes that admiring people and recognizing their merits must be completely selfless. Many people don't understand this. When they see us admiring someone, they ask: “What do you want from him?” Here's what Dale Carnegie has to say about this: “If we are so basely selfish that we can only radiate kindness and gratitude in order to gain some benefit for ourselves, if our souls are like shriveled sour apples, bankruptcy will inevitably await us, quite us deserved." According to him, when we sincerely and selflessly admire people, we get much more than benefit - we get something priceless, namely great feeling good done to another, and this feeling leaves a bright mark in our memory for a long time.
But still, surprisingly, precisely when we do good unselfishly and do not expect anything in return, very often we receive completely unexpected benefits, including material ones. Here are examples of cases that happened to students of Dale Carnegie courses after they learned about the benefits and value of recognizing the merits and merits of other people.
First example. One of the Carnegie course students went with his wife to visit her relatives. His wife left him to talk with her elderly aunt, while she went off somewhere with other, younger relatives.
Left alone with the old lady, the guest decided to put into practice what he had recently learned and began to look for something to admire. Looking around, he said that he was delighted with his aunt’s house, so bright and spacious, the likes of which had not been built for a long time. Touched, the aunt said that she and her husband designed this house themselves, that it was exactly what they dreamed of, and that love itself built it. After showing the guest the whole house (he never ceased to admire), the hostess brought him to the garage and said that she wanted to give him an almost new car, which her husband bought shortly before his death. The guest began to refuse, offering to give the car to closer relatives or sell it, but she didn’t want to hear about it, saying that she would give this car only to him, a person who can appreciate beautiful things. For her, the drop of kindness and attention that this almost stranger gave her turned out to be priceless, and thanks to this he instantly became dearer and closer than her blood relatives.
Second example. The head of a park and garden planning firm was laying out a garden on the estate famous lawyer and expressed admiration for what a wonderful hobby he had (bearing in mind that the lawyer was also an avid dog breeder). After which the owner of the estate invited a specialist gardener to his kennel, where he showed the dogs for a long time, and then presented him with an expensive purebred puppy with an excellent pedigree.
Third example. The president of a furniture company, James Adamson, wanted to receive an order for the supply of armchairs and stools for music school and theaters built by millionaire and industrialist George Eastman. Adamson attended the appointment but was warned that he would have no chance of success if he took more than five minutes of Mr. Eastman's time.
Adamson was mindful of this, but still began his visit by admiring the beauty of Eastman's office, praising the wood paneling, of which he was an expert. In response, Eastman began showing him around the office, noting the hand-carved woodwork and other striking details. Afterwards, Eastman began to tell the visitor about the buildings he had built, then he told about the path that he had to go through, about his childhood spent in poverty, then about his successes in photography, which eventually made him a millionaire (Eastman became famous for having invented transparent Kodak photographic film, which became the basis of his fortune).
The conversation dragged on for more than two hours instead of the expected five minutes. After which Eastman invited Adamson to his place for lunch. Naturally, Adamson received an order for the chairs. And most importantly, a strong friendship arose between Eastman and Adamson, which connected them for life.
Don't be afraid to admire people - and you will always win.
Look for the good in everything others do—even the things you don't like. After all, you also want to be appreciated, recognized, admired? Remember the great truth: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Do you want admiration? Admire yourself! And in return you will receive even more than you expected.
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The following is an introductory fragment of the book by Dale Carnegie. How to become a master of communication with any person, in any situation. All secrets, tips, formulas (Alex Narbut, 2014) provided by our book partner -