Question to a psychologist

I am 29 years old, married, raising two sons (4 and 2 years old).
At times, something comes over me when I get angry (no matter with myself, with my children or with my husband) - my irritation and aggression spill out on my loved ones, usually my sons, because... I spend all my time with them. This is expressed in shouting, insults, I can slap you on the head or hit you on the butt (very painful). After such an outburst, after 5-10 minutes (no more) I cool down and begin to make peace: I apologize, I try to explain my reaction, I promise that I won’t do this again. But everything repeats itself as soon as I “lose my temper.” It happens instantly, I don’t even have time to count to 10, inhale and exhale, some kind of eclipse just appears. I see the fear in my children's eyes when I'm mad, it's not a pleasant sight, but I still can't stop.
In the eyes of others, I am absolutely balanced and calm person, and this discrepancy also worries me, it would be better if everyone considered me abnormal, but for my closest people I would be calm and balanced.
I love my children and husband very much, they are all I have. Mom and Dad, as well as grandparents, died one after another over the past 7 years.
Mom died first. We lived together (my dad and I divorced when I was 10-12 years old, I only child in family). Mom drank. At first she worked and drank, then she became unemployed and began to go on drinking bouts. Starting at the age of 12, I suffered from my mother’s drunkenness, this continued until her death, for 10 years. I ran away from home at 14 years old. She rebelled and lectured her mother. I disappeared on the street around the clock because I didn’t want to go home to my drunk mother. I celebrated the New Year alone for several years in a row.
It should be noted that while sober, my mother was very intelligent, decent, well-mannered, kind and very smart, well-read, and outwardly attractive. But when drunk, it was just a walking disgrace. I couldn’t do my homework, prepare for exams, and then for the session. That is, I was able to, of course, but it was very difficult. I don’t know how to explain... in general, she could stay up all night, walk until 5 in the morning and shout my name, stand over me, wake me up on purpose, or bring anyone into the house, and then there was no time for sleep either and no time for cramming. Nevertheless, I graduated from the university with honors. But all these years have cost me a lot of nerves. You come home from school or then from university, and at home it’s the result of drinking (single or group), but the fact is that my mother doesn’t look like herself, I instantly began to boil. At first I broke down screaming. Then I realized that it was useless. I stopped paying attention. And only when she was annoying me with nightly screams and constant wake-ups, she broke down and went into hand-to-hand combat. The neighbor above me constantly called an ambulance, her nerves also could not stand it, her blood pressure rose. I lay in bed like a taut string and felt a strong pulsation somewhere below my navel, almost to the point of pain. I was saved only by valerian, and even then... it didn’t help. It’s a shame to write this about my mother, and I’m even ashamed of the way I treated her. And I feel ashamed in front of my sons when I beat them. Horror.
Now I have a great family; I met my husband shortly before my mother left. He became my support after her death. Then my grandfather died, followed by my grandmother, then my dad suffered because... I also drank. My parents were initially very successful people, but dad drank himself to death after losing his high position. And mom because of unhappy love. I value my family very much, I want to get rid of this aggression, which has no right to exist, because... I live in love and am experiencing perhaps the most wonderful period in my life. Help me please.

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Zarina.

Thank you for the wonderful story about the difficult life of a child from a very difficult family. I am very glad that you raised yourself, toughened yourself in struggle and are raising wonderful children. You good mom, and wife.

Regarding aggression.

I’ll say something strange for the uninitiated, but banal for psychologists.

Alcoholism is usually caused by depression, and depression by aggression towards oneself.

Therefore, “getting rid of this aggression, which has no right to exist,” I am categorically against. I am against unconstructive manifestations of aggression - spanking, emotional outbursts.

You have two reasons for aggression - age and, accordingly, very aggressive behavior children. With two children, ages 2 and 4, many moms experience bouts of rage. This is fine. It’s not normal that you’re not hitting the wall, but the children. What is not normal is the behavior and attitude towards it, not your emotions.

The second reason for aggression is, of course, the history of relationships with aggression in your family; two people closest to you died from self-directed anger. And of course, you cannot help but worry about how you yourself will raise your children - and such an explosive mother - if it lasts long enough, then this is a cumulative trauma for the children. That is, when they grow up, they can also deal with their anger problems. That is, either direct it inside yourself - and this is the path to alcoholism, or towards others - and this is the path to sadistic manifestations. So I share your concern about my behavior.

What to do?

Of course, you need to undergo your own course of psychotherapy in order to at least modify your behavior. Understanding how marital dysfunction crippled you will require much more than a short course in behavior modification.

Write to me by email, on Skype or call, I will definitely find a way that is suitable for you (in terms of money, time, and goals) to live a freer life.

Sincerely, Victor.

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Hello, Zarina! You write that you are “losing your temper” - in other words - you are not in control of the situation and yourself, but as if - like a wild horse you are breaking loose and demolishing everything in your path until there is an outburst of YOUR AGGRESSION??? So? What feelings do you experience in this moment- reading this? Rather, they are unpleasant... You don’t want this to happen to you - and there is only one way out - DO NOT IGNORE YOUR AGGRESSIVE FEELINGS IN YOURSELF, BUT RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN FEELINGS AND MAKE FRIENDS, no matter how strange it sounds... As soon as you admit that this is part of you - they will become subject to you and then - you will be able to keep them under your control and manage them! You can write quickly and easily, but bring it to life is not easy, but it is possible, and of course with full-time professional help - it will become easier and faster for you to figure it all out - the choice is yours... Of course, your life was difficult in childhood and youth, but you see for yourself that no matter what - you have achieved a lot and received something dear - this is your husband and children, your family, education, etc..! And you can work on yourself and understand yourself - you have a guideline! Good luck and all the best to you! Sincerely, Lyudmila K.

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Hello, Zarina! Aggression is important and useful feeling, under no circumstances should you get rid of it. Otherwise, she will “take revenge”, for example, in the form of alcoholism or in the form nervous breakdown, when you can kill, as they say, “in a state of passion.” So you don’t need to be angry at your aggression, you need to cooperate with it. It does useful work- tells you that somewhere in your life there is no satisfaction, somewhere your boundaries are being violated. This is not necessarily in the same place where aggression manifests itself; perhaps the source of aggression is in a completely different place, not in the family. And the children simply “get caught.” And perhaps in the family (I didn’t find any serious data about this in your letter, I need to research here). You need, in my opinion, to understand where and what is going wrong in your life. Aggression - defensive reaction organism to the negative influence of the environment. So look for where the environment has such a bad effect on you that you become aggressive towards it. This understanding may be strongly repressed and may not be realized by you right away. If you can’t do it on your own, go to a psychologist, he will help you see some aspects of your life that, due to natural psychological limitations, you simply cannot see. When you understand the reason, you will do something about it, and the aggression will disappear, having completed its useful work. All the best, Elena.

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It is unlikely that many of us have the desire to constantly conflict with loved ones or work colleagues. However, very often, despite the promises we repeatedly make to ourselves, we Once again we break down, which we habitually regret later. The reason for this behavior is that a person, against his will, falls into the trap of internal aggressiveness.

Natural internal aggressiveness is characteristic of humans just as it is characteristic of animals. Internal aggressiveness gradually accumulates and from time to time requires external release.

To better understand how and why conflicts arise not only between close people, especially those living under the same roof, but also between people in general, you should get acquainted with some concepts of ethology - the science of instinctive behavior animals and humans as a biological species.

Man is a pack animal, subject to innate instinctive behavior programs, in particular, hierarchical instinct. Hierarchical instinct tells an individual how it should act in order to occupy a certain niche in the pack (or in society). For a pack animal, it is necessary to be able to distinguish an individual of a higher rank than itself in order to show it signs of submission, thus avoiding a fight that it will obviously lose. It is also important for him to clearly identify individuals more low rank in order, if necessary, to take away their food or drive them away from the place they liked.

The hierarchical instinct is most closely related to aggressiveness. Showing aggressiveness, an individual fights for a place on the hierarchical ladder, for territory, for a female or for food.

Usually by aggression we mean attack. In ethology, the term “aggression” has a slightly different meaning, primarily associated with the emotional state. Aggression does not necessarily manifest itself in an attack, but it is always colored by the emotions of anger, hatred or rage, often complemented by a state of fear or anxiety.

Aggression arises from within and if it does not find a release, it gradually accumulates. Studies by ethologists have shown that in the absence of stimuli that allow one to throw out accumulating aggressiveness, the need to commit an aggressive act constantly increases, and a minimal reason becomes sufficient to cause a surge of aggressiveness disproportionately large compared to the reason that caused it.

In the case when aggressiveness for some reason cannot be thrown out, it is forced to be directed inward, beginning to undermine and destroy its carrier.

Scientists conducted the following experiment: female gorillas were selected from male gorillas, with whom they lived for some time, and the females were transferred to cages with other males, so that the males, deprived of girlfriends, could watch the happy family life their more successful rivals.

Since the males who had lost their girlfriends did not have the opportunity to reach their rivals in order to fight them, they were forced to direct their unspent aggression inward. After a few weeks, all test males developed stomach ulcers.

Consequence negative action of inwardly directed aggressiveness become like different psychosomatic diseases type high blood pressure or stomach ulcers, and a tendency to take excessive risks, extreme species activities or sports in which a person seriously endangers his own life.

A typical example of falling into the trap of internal aggressiveness, largely directed at oneself, is Vladimir Vysotsky. Aggression, directed both inward and outward, is reflected in the vast majority of his songs. The enormous popularity of Vysotsky’s work among the people is partly connected with this phenomenon: by identifying with the heroes of his songs, singing along with him, people partly “discharged themselves”, getting rid of excess aggressiveness.

Inward-directed aggression, in particular, is clearly visible in his famous song"Horses are picky":

Along the cliff, over the abyss
Along the very edge
I whip my horses
I quilt, I drive.
Somehow I don't have enough air,
I drink the wind, I swallow the fog,
I feel with disastrous delight:
I'm disappearing, I'm disappearing...
Slow down a little, horses,
A little slower
I beg you not to fly.
But for some reason I found the horses to be picky
And you won’t have time to live,
I won't have time to finish singing.
I'll water the horses
I'll finish the verse
I'll stand on the edge for a little while longer...

IN in this case fastidious horses flying at a gallop are a symbolic reflection of the aggressive impulses and emotions tearing apart the singer, which he cannot cope with, and which, with their intensity, nevertheless give him the peculiar pleasure of balancing on the brink of life and death. The same pleasure is felt during a mad ride on a horse-drawn cart, which can fall into the abyss at any moment.

The lines below reflect the poet’s desire for self-destruction, determined by inward-directed aggressiveness:

I'll die one day
We all die someday.
How can I guess without doing it myself?
To be stabbed in the back...

The plot of the song develops in the following way. The hero of the song, as he wanted, dies from a stab in the back, comes to the gates of heaven, finds out that to enter heaven it is necessary to stand in a long line (echoes of the endless queues of times Soviet Union), but in paradise there are absolutely wonderful apples of paradise (a scarce commodity, again echoes of the times of the Soviet Union), which cannot be obtained just like that, and anyone who tries to steal them will be shot in the forehead by the guards without fail.

Despite the punishment awaiting him for this, the hero of the song steals the apples of paradise and, as one would expect, he is killed without missing a beat.

It turns out that provoking his death by being stabbed by a knife seems to be not enough for the hero of the song - after death, he resurrects again and finds a way to commit suicide a second time by someone else’s hands, deliberately committing an act for which he should be killed.

If Vysotsky had written a logical continuation of this already rather long song, surely its hero would have been resurrected every now and then after death, and then found another excuse to be killed.

The song about heavenly apples was written very talentedly and really, as they say, “touches the soul.” It is curious that when you experience it, the above reasoning does not come to mind. The song is structured in such a curious way that, in addition to falling into the trap of internal aggressiveness, the listener, as a rule, also falls into the trap of illusory justice.

The fact that someone “who came from the street” to heaven does not have the opportunity to taste the apples of paradise causes fair indignation, quite typical of the Russian mentality and based on the favorite idea of ​​“taking everything and dividing it up” or “taking it from the rich and giving it to the poor.” On emotional level the hero of the song is perceived as a fighter for justice, ready to die (and dying) for an idea. At least that's how it was perceived in the Soviet era, when the willingness to die for an idea was seen as a sign of heroism and was considered admirable.

In fact, if you think about it, the hero of the song is not a very attractive guy with criminal inclinations and a desire for self-destruction, unable to improve his life on earth, who, even after coming to heaven, first of all turned to crime, for which, accordingly, he paid. However, the tendency of people to fall into psychological traps (the song additionally conceals an external psychological trap emotional impact) leads to the fact that the hero of the song evokes constant sympathy.

Aggression directed inward destroyed Vysotsky’s health, in particular, it became the cause of his chronic alcoholism. The tendency to put himself in life-threatening situations has led to serious injuries. As a result, Vysotsky died at the age of forty, essentially purposefully destroying himself.

Konrad Lorenz described a very interesting experiment. A third cichlid was added to a married pair of small cichlid fish in the aquarium. The couple immediately began to show aggression towards the stranger, maintaining excellent relations between themselves. After the stranger was removed from the aquarium, after a while the male began to attack the female.

If in an aquarium divided in half clear glass, two family pairs of cichlids settled in; fish from each family showed aggression towards strangers behind the glass, but got along well with each other. But as soon as the glass separating the fish was replaced with an opaque one, conflicts began in both families - the accumulating internal aggressiveness required a way out.

Something similar happens in human families. When a family unites to fight a common enemy or difficult circumstances, harmony reigns in it. If the family “closes in on itself”, has no common goal, for which they jointly fight, discord and mutual claims begin within it.

When a man works and a woman takes care of the house, the man has the opportunity to lose excess aggressiveness in the process labor activity or in communication with colleagues. Returning home, he usually wants peace, love and comfort, so that he can relax and lie down with a newspaper in front of the TV.

A woman who has practically been “stewed in her own juice” all day has an unspent reserve of internal aggressiveness, which she usually is not even aware of. It is this accumulated aggressiveness that makes a woman “nag” her husband, point out to him some of his shortcomings, demand that he immediately do something, remove or fix it, leave behind the last word in disputes started by her, etc. If the husband returns home with an unspent reserve of accumulated aggressiveness, Shakespearean intensity of passions is almost certainly guaranteed.

By nature, a man is more aggressive, and a woman is more conflict-oriented. The accumulating internal aggressiveness, against the will, pushes the woman to initiate and maintain conflict, which increases the man’s aggressiveness.

Falling into the trap of internal aggressiveness, people lose the ability to clearly understand and control their actions, and commit actions that subsequently turn out to have unpleasant consequences for them. In this case, we are not talking about murders in a state of passion, although they are also associated with falling into the trap of internal aggressiveness.

Minor but regular petty quibbles, not so much related to real offenses loved one, how many with the need to throw out accumulated internal aggressiveness on someone slowly but surely undermine the relationships between close people and sooner or later can lead them to collapse.

The countermeasure is to become aware of the presence of internal aggressiveness, monitor one’s aggressive impulses and control one’s own aggressiveness.

It is impossible to completely get rid of aggressiveness, but you can learn to control your aggression and direct it in such a way as to cause minimal damage to both loved ones and yourself. Moreover, in some cases, for example, when executing physical work, purposeful expenditure of accumulated internal aggressiveness can make your work much more effective.

One method of reducing aggression is based on the fact that increased aggressiveness, in particular, is a consequence of a decrease in the level of the neurotransmitter serotonin, the so-called “happy hormone” associated with a feeling of general satisfaction and joy in life. Everyone, probably, from their own life experience, knows that happy man is distinguished by significantly greater goodwill and openness than people who are dissatisfied with themselves and life. By practicing self-regulation techniques that allow you to control your own emotional states and increase your ability to enjoy life (which is associated with an increase in the release of serotonin in the body), a person is able to significantly reduce the tension caused by unspent internal aggressiveness.

Techniques for managing internal aggressiveness and emotional states are described in our books “Formula of Happiness” and “The Game Called Life.”

» Human aggressiveness

© Alevtina Shevchenko

Rage of the Day (Aggression)

We often think about how to react to someone else’s external aggression: defend ourselves, fence ourselves off, resist. And we think much less often about what to do with our own.

Aggression is the desire to harm another being. Scientists have different opinions about its origin. Some believe that this is a natural instinct inherent in a person from birth, a mandatory built-in function human psyche, helping to survive. Others see anger and the aggressive behavior it engenders only as a response to external stimuli. Still others do not rule out that fighting back, defending one’s own, and ultimately cultivating a successful, assertive character - we obtain these attitudes and skills as a result social learning. Still others even see aggression as a psychological defense - a mechanism that ensures the minimization of negative experiences that are dangerous to the integrity of the individual. Imaginary or real aggression always looks the same physiologically - it is the release of adrenaline by the adrenal glands. Whether you are experiencing a fit of anger on the proverbial couch or are eager to fight, are holding back intelligently or are in open conflict - the adrenal glands don’t care, they make our heart beat faster, sharply increase arterial pressure, strain your muscles - in general, they invigorate you and force you to act. That is why we consider it necessary to teach our children certain types of aggression - after all, this can save them, protect them, and help them assert themselves. Anger, aggression, adrenaline are an emergency way for a person to respond to stress. Including stress generated by the socio-political situation. But if some direct their aggression in a constructive direction: they go through military and medical training, protect their cities from drunks and bandits by patrolling the streets, then others become troublemakers or suppress aggression, turning themselves into an emotional time bomb. Internal aggression is a state of constant nervous tension that has no outlet and is fraught with illness. Or a person is forced to look for a reason to transfer nervous tension onto others, and then problems arise in relationships. The state of excitement during aggression mobilizes all the person’s capabilities, and often this helps to solve the problems of the moment. But if aggression becomes chronic, it can be very harmful - it weakens, exhausts, causes constant irritability, Bad mood. Thus, by wanting to harm another, we harm ourselves. Protect yourself Aggression tends to accumulate, so holding back anger and rage is only the path to a further emotional or physical explosion. Many of us were taught to be decent people and to restrain and hide our anger. But in fact, we are only able to either express it, or redirect it to a safer object, or suppress it. There are no other ways to dispose of it. By forbidding ourselves to express anger, hostility, rage, we produce actions that are destructive to our body. By expressing it indiscriminately, we risk social relations. Therefore the only thing the best way- be able to express your aggression using socially acceptable and safe means for yourself and others. Safe ways of expressing aggression are primarily verbal. They can be real or virtual, emotional (screams, gestures) and more restrained - for example, reasoned criticism. The opportunity to express one’s aggression verbally is the inalienable right of every person. Yes, blows with words - ridicule, insult, gossip, swearing - sometimes cause more psychological harm to a person than even using fists. However, more socially acceptable verbal aggression. Therefore, for example, psychologists teach child fighters to express their feelings in words, and not in actions that are unsafe for others. Objective aggression is a release internal tension by destroying or damaging objects. The only limitation is to remain within the legal framework and not damage other people’s or public property. Physical exercise, sports help to waste muscle tension and get out of danger emotional state. This is exactly the action that the body, which has accumulated excess adrenaline, requires. Sometimes it looks like vicious circle- I try to be effective, I fail because aggression is interfering with me, and I get angry, which causes the level of aggression to increase, reducing the chances of being effective. When people live with an attitude of internal control over emotions and do not give vent to their aggressive impulses, their forbidden hostility goes to the subconscious level. At the same time, the person feels even weaker, helpless and exhausted. Suppressed aggression is the cause of depression. And depression is treated through uncorking aggression. The most dangerous type of aggression is self-aggression: dissatisfaction with oneself, low self-esteem. This is the hardest thing for a person to defend against. For example, the most common chain of suppressed internal aggression is a connection with depression and alcoholism as a way to cope with depression. In addition, aggression can become passive: if the rapist is guided by the principle “you owe me, because I am stronger,” then the victim, who shows passive aggression, - the principle “you owe me, because I am weak, and the weak need to be supported.” Surgical strike Role model of someone who is not too picky about ethics. own actions, not burdened by the fear of harming other people, but quite aggressive, and also professing the cult of strength of a “successful person” is quite popular now. This common type proves in the best possible way that aggression, expressed in the form of anger, intimidation, and the desire for dominance, can have a certain importance and stand for the protection of human motivations, meanings and values. The socially dangerous side of aggressive behavior is that it can justify the erosion of moral guidelines, justify destructive ways solving problems with overly significant goals and, in its extreme application, devaluing human life. It makes no sense to prohibit aggression to anyone, if only because if a critical amount of aggressive energy has already accumulated, then it begins to be released in the form of appropriate actions. And then for an emotional explosion there is no need for any special external reason. Any trifle is enough to piss a person off. The same rule also works in macro-social processes - for example, by prohibiting the expression of political sentiments using crude and primitive police methods, the authorities drive the problem deeper, which leads to destructive social explosions. Aggression is a full-fledged component of a person’s emotional life. It doesn’t need to be hidden as something shameful. It is best, of course, to work with the root cause of internal hostility - this is exactly what psychotherapists do. The best way out to cope with aggression is to identify and eliminate the causes of aggressive behavior, not limited to just removing external manifestations. It is also possible to organizationally minimize factors that chronically arouse aggression. In any case, aggression must be identified and legitimized, that is, a legal outlet must be found. If the instinct of destruction is inherent in a person, then it must be demonstrated in its entirety by learning to control this instinct. Psychologists suggest defending one’s own boundaries using not aggressive, but assertive models of behavior based on acceptance of responsibility, respect and self-esteem, effective communication. Most constructive way To cope with your own hostility is to substantively understand its sources and eliminate them. For the sake of our own future, we simply must understand our own hatred, learn to resist violence and become a holistic person.

How to overcome internal aggression

What kind of aggressiveness is there?

Aggressive children are immediately noticeable. They fight, beat their peers, and sometimes take aim at adults. The first reaction of an aggressive child to any incomprehensible situation is an outburst of aggression, quick and ill-considered. Such children cause the most criticism from teachers and educators; it is difficult for them to contain their emotions. Difficulty managing emotions interferes with establishing relationships with others.

The term " aggression " carries concepts such as "attack", "hostility", etc., and is used to denote listed actions that arise from fear or frustration; desires to cause fear in others or make them flee; desire to achieve recognition of one’s ideas or implementation own interests. Aggression is one of the mechanisms psychological protection. Each personality must have a certain degree of aggressiveness. Its absence leads to passivity, dependence, inability to defend one’s interests, and lack of one’s own ideas and goals. However, its excessive development is reflected in the entire appearance of the individual and characterizes the person as conflictual, incapable of conscious cooperation with society. Aggression itself does not make a person consciously dangerous to society, since the connection between aggressiveness and aggression is not rigid, and the act of aggression itself may not take consciously dangerous and disapproved forms. In our everyday consciousness, aggressiveness is presented in the form of “malicious activity”, and does not carry any destruction in itself. It is worth mentioning here that aggressiveness is a personality trait characterized by the presence of both destructive (destructive) and constructive (creative) tendencies. Based on this, aggressive manifestations can be divided into two types: the first type is motivational (a state of excitation that induces the body to aggressive action) aggression, as an intrinsic value, and the second type is instrumental aggression, as a means to achieve some goal or a consequence of learning, and possibly imitation of aggressive actions. Practical psychologists interested in motivational aggression, as a direct manifestation personal characteristics with destructive tendencies, in other words – the aggression of psychopaths. A person cannot cope with his problems on his own; it is worth contacting a specialist who will help identify the level of aggression using diagnostic questionnaires and jointly develop techniques aimed at constructively using one’s aggression.

In order to reduce attacks of children's rage to a minimum, you need to follow several tips from psychologists:

Run away from failure. Children refuse to take part in any activity and do not strive for success and achievement. They have lost faith in themselves, which is why they feel uncomfortable. Parents must be very patient, support and encourage the least successful child.

Pay attention to me

Recently a friend came to me and asked: “You know, I’m going to the sea with my friend and sister to the place where you and I vacationed last year.” Please lend me some sleeping mats and a backpack.

After that, he invited me to go with him to feel safer. I noticed that he was somehow worried about himself and women. Women were also preoccupied with their fears. I couldn’t go, but I offered him another great place on the South Shore.

You know,” he answered me, “I’ll probably go where I’m going.” I don’t know the new place and will feel calmer in the old one.

Well,” I answered him, “I advise you to go to a new place, but if you want adventure, go to the old place.”

I said this without any second thought - the phrase came out involuntarily. A few days later we met in the sauna, and my friend told me about his adventures.

In the parking lot, he had a confrontation with a group of aggressive young men. As a result, he had to leave there in a hurry at night.

You know,” he told me, “even nature gave me different signs so that I would not go there or leave there when I had already arrived there: it was raining heavily in the morning, the sea was stormy and cold, a lot of garbage and fuel oil had come from somewhere, although this had not happened before. Some woman on the bus, when I was going there, asked: “Are you guys going for one day?” I paid no attention either to these signs of nature or to her words. And my friend, as soon as we settled down, said that she didn’t like the place. And he didn’t listen to her. Of course, the first sign came from you when you suggested that I go to another place, but pride rose up in me - I decided to do it my own way.

1) the first thing to do is try to literally lose yourself in your imagination, as if you see yourself on video, like in a movie. Look at yourself as if you were a good coach/teacher (learning to enter the third position of perception), giving yourself constructive feedback. Examine yourself at this moment from the outside, what you say, how you say what your body is doing: arms, legs, head... This action VERY helps you get away from emotions and focus on the task itself - move into the area positive emotions. Tested personally! Perhaps even this alone will be enough to cope with involuntary aggression.

2) Pump yourself up physically: physical labor, push-ups, pull-ups (if possible), for women, cleaning. If you are stuck in a traffic jam, then singing will save you; you can read poetry loudly with expression, I mean poetic expression. Come up with your own options for how to discharge yourself. You are talented!

2. Direction Soul. Master the exercises: Mistake - You're good! Positive translation, Drawing out the positives, “What's so bad about that?” to remove internal complaints about the world, people, yourself, as well as negative potential. For example, being late for a meeting due to traffic jams or when plans are ruined due to other people's mistakes or because own mistakes, apply the exercise scheme “What’s so scary about that?”, write out a liberating attitude for yourself and move on to relaxation - the Quiet technique.

3. Body. Master the exercises: Stop, auto-training Relax effective technique Peace. The task is to learn to relax. Because constant pressure leads to stress and consequences in the form of strokes, heart attacks, etc. A person winds himself up furiously and spins, as if throwing a brick into a washing machine, turning it on at full speed, and then he wonders why it explodes - everything around him collapses.

Algorithm for the first steps of work

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is like looking at yourself from the outside. It has two main forms:

1. Social consciousness, allows you to consider yourself as social object, look at yourself through the eyes of others.

How to respond to aggression? To extinguish aggression, parents need to try to understand their child, accept his position if possible, listen, and help without criticism.

It is important to eliminate aggression from the family, where it is the norm between adults. Even as a child grows up, parents act as role models. For parents of brawlers, the child will grow up to be the same in the future, even if the adults do not clearly express aggression in front of the teenager. The feeling of aggressiveness occurs on a sensory level. It is possible that a teenager grows up quiet and downtrodden, but the consequences family aggression will be like this: a cruel aggressive tyrant will grow up. To prevent such an outcome, it is necessary to consult a psychologist to correct aggressive behavior.

Prevention of aggression in adolescents includes: the formation of a certain range of interests, attraction to positive activities(music, reading, sports), involvement in socially recognized activities (sports, work, art, organization), avoiding manifestations of force towards a teenager, discussing problems together, listening to the feelings of children, lack of criticism, reproaches.

Parents must always remain tolerant, loving, gentle, communicate on equal terms with teenagers and remember that if you move away from your child now, it will be very difficult to get closer later.

Aggression in men

Male aggression is strikingly different from female aggression in its attitudes. Men resort mainly to open form aggression. They often experience much less anxiety, as well as feelings of guilt during periods of aggression. For them, aggression is a means of achieving their goals or a unique model of behavior.

Most scientists who have studied social behavior people, suggested that aggression in men is determined by genetic reasons. This behavior made it possible to pass on one’s genes from generation to generation, defeat rivals and find a partner for procreation. Scientists Kenrick, Sadalla, Vershour, as a result of research, found that women consider leadership and dominance of men to be attractive qualities for themselves.

Increased aggression in men occurs due to social, as well as cultural factor, or rather, in the absence of a culture of behavior and the need to demonstrate confidence, strength and independence.

Women's aggression

Women often use psychological implicit aggression; they are worried about what kind of resistance the victim may give them. Women resort to aggression during outbursts of anger to relieve mental and nervous tension. Women, being social creatures, have emotional sensitivity, friendliness and empathy, and their aggressive behavior is not as pronounced as that of men.

Aggression in older women baffles loving relatives. Often this type disorders are classified as signs of dementia if there are no obvious reasons for such behavior. Attacks of aggression in women are characterized by a change in character and an increase in negative traits.

Aggression in women is often provoked by the following factors:

Congenital hormonal deficiency caused by pathology early development, which leads to mental disorders;

Emotional negative experience childhood (sexual violence, abuse), victimization of intra-family aggression, as well as the pronounced role of the victim (husband);

Mental pathologies (schizophrenia);

Hostile relationship with mother, childhood mental trauma.

Aggression in the elderly

The most common disorder in older people is aggression. The reason is a narrowing of the circle of perception, as well as a false interpretation of the events of an elderly person who is gradually losing touch with society. This is caused by a decrease in memory for current events. For example, stolen items or missing money. Such situations cause problems in family relationships. It is very difficult to convey to an elderly person with memory impairment that the missing item will be found because it was placed in another place.

TIPS FOR ASTHENICS: become psychologically stronger, more balanced, more stable so that your anger is adequate. A person who gets a little angry when other people are clearly wrong, who doesn’t know how to get angry, looks rather unconvincing. If you are angry, then be angry so that others feel it. Stop apologizing when you're angry. But do not allow incontinence - the words spoken by “ godfather Don Corleone: “Never make threats that you really cannot carry out.” Because if you did this and did not implement it, you seem to sink lower than before the threat.

TIPS FOR EPILEPTIOIDS: Don’t be boring in your anger, there’s no need to read out the whole list - speak more specifically. Be fairer, more reasonable and restrained, as you tend to lose your mind in anger and emit an uncontrollable stream of words.

CONTROL THE VULCANO!

So, let's summarize everything that needs to be said about fighting anger within ourselves and protecting ourselves from it, whether it manifests itself in relation to us or we experience it within ourselves.

Watch own habit react angrily in various situations: study your anger in all its manifestations, track it, try to understand its cause.

Mentally separate your observing self from anger as something dark. energy education, as if telling him: “This is not me!” Resolve not to give in to this destructive habit, and therefore not to identify with it in any way.

Even at the slightest appearance mild symptom angry reaction, take the position of an active observer who looks at this negative feeling, like a distant cloud in the sky, mentally pushing this cloud of anger to leave the arena of consciousness.

If you are angry and you need to respond to your opponent, take a 10-15 second pause, during which you can mentally count to ten or watch your own breathing, and then, making sure that you have calmed down and the anger has gone, respond.

Remember that you must not just fight anger as a negative habit, but try to eliminate its cause.

Work on yours muscle clamps to defeat stereotypical angry reactions on the bodily level - this will make it easier to overcome anger and on the spiritual level.

Defeat anger by constantly tuning into a self-awareness of good-natured, but internally strong and resilient calmness in order to learn to look at the world with different eyes.

PSYCHOTRAINING FOR ANGER PEOPLE

There is a whole “bouquet” of methods associated with relaxation, with relaxation of the muscles of the body, since the emotions of irritation and anger are impossible when the muscles are completely relaxed. Trained people can work wonders. I know of a number of cases where, after several weeks of such training, people became practically invulnerable. Previous neuroses, stress, psychological complexes, which are fertile ground for the emergence of anger, faded into the background, giving way to confidence, strength, calmness, balance, and a sense of freedom. Do the exercises at the same rhythm as if you were exercising autogenic training: 10-15 minutes a day. You can try to do no more than 2-3 exercises at a time, each for about 5 minutes. The most suitable time for training is the morning after exercise and the evening. Just not too late so as not to get overexcited before bed. Once you learn to do these exercises in silence and privacy at home, you will find that you can do them in public transport.

Too good is also not good.
And the term “aggression”, perceived by default as negative, coming with a minus sign, can serve (and does) good service its bearer.
The norm of internal hidden aggression for a person living among other people (according to the scale I use) is 25-35 conventional units. This level provides him (the wearer) with adequate resistance external environment, this is a condition for normal life in our world. Which is never a paradise where lions and antelopes peacefully coexist side by side.

(I remind you that the terms and numerical values ​​in this test are arbitrary, taken for better understanding. Absolute scale conditional values- from 0 to 100 conventional units).
For some, the figure is 35-40 conventional units. units - not an overstatement, but an indicator of his own, personal norm. But these are separate special cases, and they always have adequate justification.

A value of 40 conventional units is borderline. This is the threshold, the level of filling with internal hidden aggression, beyond which a person poses a threat not only to himself, but also has a destructive effect on others. It's like a flashing warning light: the permissible limit has been exceeded, it's dangerous.

But this is all about deviation from the norm as a result of influences on human field structures from the outside. But quite often internal hidden aggression is a “product of the life activity” of the person himself and splashes out in the most ordinary conversations, in communication, everyday situations, working moments. Not to mention the comments in in social networks- oh, there’s always a lot of this stuff there)).
Suddenly an invisible mechanism clicks, and the man, figuratively speaking, takes a fighting stance: he raises his neck, releases his claws and shows his fangs. And he’s ready to tear you apart like Tuzik a rubber heating pad, literally for nothing.
What happens to people at this moment, what triggers it for everyone?

Look: this beast initially increased level hidden internal aggression, but this is within the normal range for him, otherwise he is not a beast, but prey. This is his question life in the natural environment.

In the photograph, his own norm of aggression is exceeded by 10-15 conventional units. units - and this is also the norm for this situation: the animal is captured at the moment of an attack on an enemy who has encroached on the sacred: it can be prey, a lair, a female, or puppies. And here this is no longer a question life, A survivability in the natural environment.

The most amazing thing is that approximately the same thing happens to a person. A person who shows internal aggression is within the framework of his beliefs and ideas about survival.
That is, inside, deeply hidden, there is something: internal foundations, unshakable rules, a set of laws, a certain value system (or considered such), personal beliefs and unshakable ideas about something/someone.
It's all for the man an integral part of himself; as a basis, platform, core. Unshakable, like life itself. And if someone, within the framework of his personal beliefs and ideas, violates them, he is encroaching on the sacred. And the response is similar. This is a matter of survival, preserving the basics, the human picture of the world.
And a “sacred cow” can be anything: for example, power, leadership, dominance over others, their own kind, in any form.
Maybe - personal moral values, religion, human rights, rights of women/men/children/endangered animals.
The history of the Second World War, for example, or the history of archaeological discoveries.
The idea of ​​oneself on which a person’s current life is based - try to violate his opinion about himself, doubt anything!
The sacred cow that has been encroached upon may turn out to be a personal car, a sports TV channel, a beloved dog, or a legal spouse. Even an umbrella left over from my late mother. And even the idea of ​​oneself as the Messiah, bringing light lost souls, and guiding them to the true Path.
The only question is what kind of cow someone has.

Internal aggression is a product of the astral world. This is an energy-information structure, for the formation of which a person uses the energies of the astral plane - this is where astral entities and demons of all types and sizes are. That is: aggressiveness, if it exists in a person, feeds his own internal demons - and everyone has their own.

You may ask: are inner demons and belief systems the same thing? (As one lady recently asked me in a correspondence - this is a personal point of view, a person’s personal principles, isn’t it?)
Violation of a belief system is equated to an attack - the red “danger” signal turns on - the bearer is preparing to repel the blow, to attack himself. Such a person’s scale is shifted, distorted objective reality. For him, this is veiled survival: when the object of attack is what he stands on, he defends himself and attacks himself. Otherwise, what you live (and survive), what makes up your picture of the world, will be destroyed. And along with her, you yourself.

And yet, every coin has two sides. And if your aggression is less than 20 conventional units, then you cannot be in the general “menagerie”, it is simply dangerous. You will either be prey or prey: there will always be hunters and those who want.
So all this talk about how Spirituality presupposes by default the absence-reduction of aggression is all untrue. Spirituality is about controlled aggression.
Feel the difference: the absence of something and control over something.

Different things, you will agree.