What is verbal aggression and how to deal with it. Verbal aggression and power over others

aggression verbal intelligence teenager

Verbal aggression is a symbolic form of aggression in the form of causing psychological harm using predominantly vocal (screaming, changing tone) and verbal components of speech (invective, insults, etc.).

Verbal aggression can be overt or hidden. Open verbal aggression is manifested by a clear intention to cause communicative damage to the addressee and is expressed in obvious humiliating forms (cursing, shouting). Such behavior often tends to turn into physical aggression, when the aggressor shamelessly invades the personal space of the recipient (see transfers of aggression). Hidden verbal aggression is systematic and derogatory pressure on the addressee, but without open manifestation of hostile emotions.

General characteristics of verbal aggression:

1. Verbal aggression destroys. It is especially destructive when the aggressor pretends that nothing is happening. The partner feels aggression, but his feelings are not taken into account, his opinion is not taken into account, he becomes even more painful from the feeling of confusion and disappointment.

2. Verbal aggression attacks a partner’s self-esteem and abilities. He himself begins to believe that there is something wrong with him, that he has no abilities, that he perceives the world incorrectly.

3. Verbal aggression can be open (angry attacks and insults) or hidden (very subtle and gradual, brainwashing). Open aggression is usually accusations of something that the partner has never done or even thought about doing. Hidden aggression - aggression on the sly, is even more destructive. The purpose of such aggression is to subjugate the partner so that he himself does not know about it.

4. Verbal aggression is manipulative in nature and seeks control over another person. Usually the victim does not understand that he is being controlled and manipulated. She may notice, however, that her life is not turning out at all as she had planned, and there is certainly a lack of joy in her life.

5. Verbal aggression is insidious. The one from whom verbal aggression comes, treats his partner, shows contempt and devaluation of him so that:

· The victim’s self-esteem drops significantly, without her noticing it.

· the victim loses self-confidence without realizing it.

· the victim, consciously or unconsciously, may try to change the style of her behavior so as not to irritate the aggressor and so that he no longer causes her pain.

· The victim may not accept this, but she is methodically brainwashed.

6. Verbal aggression is unpredictable. Unpredictability is one of the main characteristics of verbal aggression. The partner is literally knocked out and rutted, confused, shocked by the angry, sarcasm-filled jokes, injections and comments of the aggressor.

7. Verbal aggression is a problem in building relationships. When a married couple is faced with a real problem about a real fact of life, such as teaching responsibility to children or how much time to spend together and apart, each may be angry, but both parties may say, “I'm angry about this.” or this" or "I want this." And naturally, if they are motivated by good will, they eventually come to a compromise, that is, the problem is resolved. In relationships with verbal aggression there is no conflict as such. The problem is the fact of aggression itself, and this issue is not resolved. That is, this problem is not resolved.

8. Verbal aggression contains a double message. There is a constant contrast between what the abuser tells you and his true feelings towards you. For example, he seems sincere and honest when he tells his partner that it is something wrong with him, or he may say: “No, I’m not angry at all!” - but in fact he says this precisely with malice. Or he can invite his partner to have dinner at a restaurant, and during dinner behave with him aloofly, indifferently, as if he does not understand what the partner is even doing here.

9. Verbal aggression tends to intensify, it becomes more intense, more frequent and takes on more and more sophisticated forms. For example, at the initial stage of communication, an aggressor can attack a partner only with angry attacks under the guise of jokes or restraint; gradually he adds other forms of aggression.

In many cases, verbal aggression turns into physical aggression, which, in turn, also does not begin immediately, but gradually, with “accidental” pushes, kicks, claps, hits, etc., which then turn into direct beating.

As verbal aggression intensifies, turning into physical violence, the aggressor begins to invade the partner’s personal space.

Bass distinguishes the following types of verbal aggression:

1. verbal - active - direct

verbally insulting or humiliating another person

2. verbal - active - indirect

spreading malicious slander or gossip about another person

3. verbal - passive - direct

refusal to talk to another person or answer his questions

4. verbal - passive - indirect

refusal to give certain verbal explanations or explanations, to speak out in defense of an undeservedly criticized person.

1. Closedness

2. The desire to object

3. The desire to devalue the achievements and feelings of another.

4. Verbal aggression in the form of jokes.

5. Blocking and distortion of information.

6. Reproaching and blaming another.

7. Criticism and condemnation of another.

8. Vulgarization of the meaning of what is happening.

9. Refusal of emotional support.

10. Threats

11. Name-calling

12. Command tone.

13. Forgetting and denying facts.

Thus, verbal aggression can be called any insult by a person to another person expressed in verbal form. It causes negative ideas about the interlocutor and disrupts the effectiveness of interpersonal interaction.

Negative feelings, like positive ones, are inherent in each of us and are manifested in our behavior, emotions, and actions. Destructive behavior that contradicts the norms of coexistence in society, causing moral and physical damage to others, as well as causing psychological discomfort is considered to be aggression. And such behavior is not uncommon in our society: they were insulted in transport, rude in line, humiliated in the family, etc.

From the point of view of psycho-emotional behavior, aggression is classified as a method of self-defense, emotional release, or a way to assert oneself.

Aggression manifests itself in different ways and actions. Psychologists divide it into verbal and nonverbal aggression:

Nonverbal aggression implies an expression of dissatisfaction with posture, gestures, facial expressions, as well as physical impact on the object of aggression and is always accompanied by verbal.
Verbal it manifests itself only in the psychological aspect and is not physical. In essence, with verbal aggression there is devaluation and humiliation of one person by another, suppression of his will and desires, condemnation and criticism, refusal of support and self-expression. These are outbursts of anger, screams, threats that cause only psychological trauma, without causing physical harm.

Not only strangers or people who barely know each other can be subjected to verbal aggression. It can manifest itself in family relationships between husband and wife, parents and children, in friendly and collective relationships.

There are quite a few reasons for aggression:

bad feeling;
overwork;
self-dissatisfaction and self-doubt;
alcohol use and drug addiction;
suffered childhood and youth psychological trauma;
influence of aggressive computer games;
broadcasts of violence and cruel behavior from blue screens projected into life.

Advice from psychologists on how to resist inner anger while maintaining psychological balance

Of course, there is not one among us with an iron psyche and we must try to control our emotions. By learning to remove outbursts of anger within yourself, you can learn to resist aggression from the outside, and this is vital for psychological balance, physical condition, and position in society.

Try to look at conflict situations from different angles, perhaps the problem is not serious enough to make you angry and nervous. Take care of your reputation.

Don't blame others for your troubles and problems, those around you may have nothing to do with it. And irritation and negative behavior can lead to making mistakes that are difficult to correct.

Always put yourself in the shoes of the person you want to insult, wittingly or unwittingly., humiliate with criticism, offend with a word. Even if it is for preventive or educational purposes. Pity and sympathy will immediately arise. It’s better to take a step forward by resolving the issue peacefully.

Try to treat others kinder and be more tolerant, it will come back to you. Of course, some people get psychological pleasure from pissing others off, but you must remember that aggression begets aggression, and without a response it will lose strength or die out.

Learn to avoid conflict by changing the topic of conversation. Self-control and self-esteem will improve you both in your own eyes and in the eyes of the person provoking the conflict. Try to respond to rudeness with a kind smile or a smart word - this will discourage the manifestation of negative emotions on the part of the rude person, and will help you maintain peace of mind.

Only a positively minded person is able to cope with negative emotions. You build your own relationships and are able to correct them, learn to take responsibility for your actions, grow above yourself, and engage in self-improvement. After all, life is just a moment, so fill it with joy and positive emotions.

P.S. Sincerely, site administration.

Verbal aggression is statements or intonation components of statements that serve to cause mental pain or are aimed at causing negative experiences of another person or living being.

N. S. Yakimova draws attention to the fact that statements become aggressive only in those cases when they cause the opposite equivalent action. Otherwise, even the most terrible word forms in generally accepted practice are perceived as adequate and do not injure. But it is not always the case. The fact is that verbal aggression is often directed at those creatures or people who cannot fully respond to such an act. For example, a parent yelling at a child is essentially committing an act of violence. But the same response is not always observed. Most often the child just cries. And in the case of a leader, the subordinate is generally forced to silently “swallow” all the aggression. That is, it is more correct to talk not about the reverse action, but about the reverse reaction. And it doesn’t matter how this reaction manifests itself. The main thing is that it causes emotion or excitement. This is called the "principle of reciprocity."

It is also worth separating verbal aggression from the phenomenon of linguistic violence. The fact is that linguistic violence does not have a specific victim, but directs the statement to a wide, clearly undefined circle of people. For example, persons of Jewish or Roma origin. Even jokes about blondes or Chukchi can be classified as a form of linguistic violence. Verbal aggression is always objective and clearly aimed at defending one’s position or point of view in front of a specific person.

Reasons for aggressive verbal behavior may include:

However, in all cases the motive of behavior comes to the fore. And the determining motive is precisely the desire to cause internal damage to the interlocutor. This is expressed in the meaning-forming intention, and not just in the design of speech. After all, one can recall, for example, communication between certain individuals containing a large amount of obscene language. But, at the same time, this very abuse is both broadcast and perceived as insert words and does not cause offensive feelings. Because, in this case, there is no determining motive and deliberate actions in the form of causing offense.

Types

What exactly is verbal aggression? In fact, this is one of ten types of experimentally identified variants of verbal attacks, which can be as follows:

Why are nonverbal signs included in the layer of verbal aggression? Yes, because with their help expressions and turns take on completely different, offensive forms. We include the following signs:

gestures (clenched fists, crossed or resting hands on the sides);
facial expressions (angry or disdainful facial expression);
poses (“imperative poses” are always perceived as a provocation);
visual contact (a gaze that is perceived as “impudent” can be provocative here);
intonation and timbre of the voice (even a phrase that is harmless in meaning can be shouted or said with disdain, provoking offense);
organization of time and space of communication (invasion without demand into “foreign territory” or an urgent challenge to one’s own, realizing that in such a place communication will be uncomfortable, is already regarded as an act of attack).

“Do you think this is true?” says the parent or leader. In fact, this phrase is not offensive. But, if you add a certain posture, timbre of voice, put your hands on your hips, and even call your interlocutor “to the office on the carpet to the authorities.” A harmless phrase immediately becomes a threat, a condemnation of opinions and attitudes. And the phrase: “Everything is clear with you, my dear,” with certain non-verbal “additions” calls into question the level of mental abilities and competence. In a word, both in the first and second cases cause internal discomfort and worries.

After verbal aggression, physical aggression can be provoked. This happens if there is an initial disposition of the object of aggression due to its characteristics: personal, social or situational. Personal characteristics most often include age and gender. Social factors include ethnicity, social well-being of the environment, level of education and general culture.

Situational factors most often include the environment, the physical, physiological and neuro-emotional state of a person and additional factors that may influence the adequacy of the assessment and perception of the situation. But we should not write off the influence of social factors. These factors are determined by the national mentality and the division of certain linguistic norms as “unacceptable” or “acceptable”. Thus, in some ethnic groups it may be absolutely unacceptable to make offensive statements about the interlocutor’s parents. And such things always provoke an act of physical aggression. Whereas in another group it will not cause such a violent reaction.

Verbal aggression can take the form of direct aggression, which is carried out directly on someone here and now. Or maybe indirect. Indirect verbal aggression is heterogeneous and includes two different but complementary concepts. In the first case, it is considered as aggressive behavior, the focus of which on a specific person is hidden. In the second case, it is considered as aggression, which in a roundabout way seeks to hurt the victim. In fact, these two concepts are similar in principle of action - without direct statement. It has the appearance of intrigue and gossip. Insult is achieved by damaging, first of all, a person’s reputation.

Aggression in children and adolescents

Despite the fact that almost all people can commit such linguistic acts, most often psychologists or psychotherapists are consulted about verbal aggression in children and adolescents. It is worth saying that the language and speech of adolescents is intensively developing and improving both due to an increase in vocabulary and due to the understanding of ambiguous interpretations of certain words and phrases. The teenager realizes that expressing his views on some things is not necessary in words. There are many other ways.

Modern teenagers are less and less interested in books and theater, and more and more often in computers and television. Therefore, they absorb variants of aggression expressed in verbal form faster and more than their parents. And it doesn’t matter from whose lips these expressions come out: a convict, an outcast, a character in a game. After all, television programs, as well as computer games, according to many observers, have become more aggressive.

Hypothetically, it is believed that the motives for verbal aggression in adolescents are as follows:

the need for self-realization, even if this occurs at the expense of oppressing the interests or personal space of another person;
the need for self-affirmation when the child begins to rebel against authority;
the need for self-defense when you have to defend your living space or freedom of choice.

As for children and pre-teens, with the help of verbal aggression, children often “mask” important and painful internal experiences: sadness, anger, but more often – a feeling of loneliness, fear of abandonment. Therefore, there are often cases when such options for “replacing a child” occur during periods when younger children are joining the family, during divorces, changes of place of residence and other life situations that are traumatic for a small personality. Even if this is the need to “survive” or “defend your personal space” in a large group, for example, a kindergarten group.

Here we can note the fact that the forms change somewhat.

Thus, verbal direct aggression most often takes the form of teasing: “Masha is a yogurt,” “Zhora is a glutton.” Although they can descend to the level of insults. Moreover, not all sets of swear words are adequately learned at this age. Therefore, in addition to “infection” and “mare”, words that for some reason were “included” in this list can be used as swear words.

For example, a child may “call” someone “handy.” In his mind, this word means a real monster with “some kind of long and huge or ugly arms.” Whereas in our minds, this is more likely a person who is very good at making or repairing something. In addition, the psychologist may generally surprise parents who are shocked by the child’s vocabulary: it turns out that the child does not express aggression at all. He simply retells new words he has heard from others.

Complaints remain striking manifestations of indirect verbal aggression in childhood. Although, as a rule, they are leveled out even without psychological correction work. But aggressive fantasies should attract the most attention. In them, as a rule, the child does not “punish the offender” himself: “a policeman will come and take you away,” “I’ll tell the janitor, and he will take you far, far away, to a garbage heap.” The fact is that these types of fantasies can indicate the formation of low self-esteem in a child and be a litmus test of his inability to fight back against problems or offenders without anyone’s help. You can also talk about options for overprotection by a parent or family member, which suppresses a small personality.

Treatment

What can be advised in these cases? Of course, don’t despair and deal with the problems. Psychologists or psychotherapists will help you with this.

As a rule, children and adolescents who are prone to verbalize their aggression are easy to talk to. The thing is that they are happy to communicate and be heard. Consequently, the correction of such manifestations occurs quite well.

Essay

in psychology

on the topic: “Verbal aggression”

11th grade students

Gymnasium No. 5

Lomovaya Anna

G. Melitopol

Verbal aggression is words that cause pain and force a person to believe that he probably has an idea about the world around him and about himself.

General characteristics of verbal aggression:

3. Verbal aggression can be open (angry attacks and insults) or hidden (very subtle and gradual, brainwashing). Open aggression is usually accusations of something that the partner has never done or even thought about doing. Hidden aggression is aggression on the sly and is even more destructive. The purpose of such aggression is to subjugate the partner so that he himself does not know about it.

4. In verbal aggression, the expression of contempt can be very sincere and clear.

5. Verbal aggression is manipulative in nature and seeks control over another person. Usually the victim does not understand that he is being controlled and manipulated. She may notice, however, that her life is not turning out at all as she had planned, and there is certainly a lack of joy in her life.

6. Verbal aggression is insidious. The one from whom verbal aggression comes, treats his partner, shows contempt and devaluation of him so that:

The victim's self-esteem drops significantly without her noticing it.

The victim loses self-confidence without realizing it.

The victim, consciously or unconsciously, may try to change the style of her behavior so as not to irritate the aggressor and so that he no longer hurts her.

The victim may not accept it, but he is being methodically brainwashed.

7. Verbal aggression is unpredictable. Unpredictability is one of the main characteristics of verbal aggression. The partner is literally knocked out and rutted, confused, shocked by the angry, sarcasm-filled jokes, injections and comments of the aggressor.

No matter how smart and educated the victim is, she never manages to prepare for an attack, much less can she ever understand why she is being attacked and how to avoid the attack.

8. Verbal aggression is a problem in building relationships. When a married couple is faced with a real problem about a real fact of life, such as teaching responsibility to children or how much time to spend together and apart, each may be angry, but both parties may say, “I'm angry about this.” or this" or "I want this." And naturally, if they are motivated by good will, they eventually come to a compromise, that is, the problem is resolved. In relationships with verbal aggression there is no conflict as such. The problem is the fact of aggression itself, and this issue is not resolved. That is, this problem is not resolved.

9. Verbal aggression contains a double message. There is a constant contrast between what the abuser tells you and his true feelings towards you. For example, he seems sincere and honest when he tells his partner that it is something wrong with him, or he may say: “No, I’m not angry at all!” - but in fact he says this precisely with malice. Or he can invite his partner to have dinner at a restaurant, and during dinner behave with him aloofly, indifferently, as if he does not understand what the partner is even doing here.

10. Verbal aggression tends to intensify, it becomes more intense, more frequent and takes on more and more sophisticated forms. For example, at the initial stage of communication, an aggressor can attack a partner only with angry attacks under the guise of jokes or restraint; gradually he adds other forms of aggression.

As verbal aggression intensifies, turning into physical violence, the aggressor begins to invade the partner’s personal space.

Verbal aggression and power over others

We see that verbal aggression interferes with building real relationships. This seems obvious. However, the abuser's partner may live his entire life with the illusion that there is a real relationship between them. He will think this way for several reasons. The main reason will be that as a married couple they can function quite adequately, fulfilling the roles prescribed for them by society.

Verbal aggressors usually express most of their emotions through anger. For example, if a bully feels insecure and anxious, he may immediately become angry, that is, angry that he suddenly feels insecure and restless. Meanwhile, humans are naturally endowed with the ability to experience emotions. This ability to feel, like the ability to think, is universal to human nature. Unfortunately, the aggressor most often does not want to accept his own feelings, much less show his true feelings to his partner. He builds a kind of wall between himself and his partner. It artificially creates distance in communication.

1. Closedness

2. The desire to object

3. The desire to devalue the achievements and feelings of another.

4. Verbal aggression in the form of jokes.

5. Blocking and distortion of information.

6. Reproaching and blaming another.

7. Criticism and condemnation of another.

8. Vulgarization of the meaning of what is happening.

9. Refusal of emotional support.

10. Threats

11. Name-calling

12. Command tone.

13. Forgetting and denying facts.

1. Closedness

If relationships exist between people, then communication must be more than just the exchange of information. Relationships mean spiritual intimacy. Mental intimacy presupposes empathy and compassion. Hearing and understanding the feelings of another means empathizing. Mental intimacy is impossible if one of the communicating parties does not want to talk openly about feelings, their emotions, experiences, that is, does not want to share something and support the partner.

An aggressor who refuses to listen to his partner, denies his experiences, refuses to share his thoughts and experiences - first of all, violates the main unwritten law of relationships. He shows isolation.

Closedness, silence, and restraint in manifestations act worse than words and shouts and are a category of verbal aggression. In other words, isolation is a way of behavior when a person keeps all thoughts, feelings, dreams and hopes to himself, but with a partner he remains cold, distant, trying to show himself as little as possible.

“What is there to talk about?”

“What do you want to hear from me?”

"What I've done? I'm listening to you."

“No, you won’t be interested in that.”

“Why are you asking my opinion? You will still do as you want."

These responses are very disappointing. And it may seem to your partner that their relationship is quite normal, because the companion communicates with you on business matters. At the same time, relationships become meaningless because they lack spiritual intimacy. In addition to business communication, there are 2 more types of communication. Here are three lists that illustrate all three types of communication.

Communication on business issues:

I'll come late today.

The list is on the table.

Do you need help?

Who left this here?

Where's my hammer?

The light is off.

Gasoline will run out soon, you need to refuel.

Communication – exchange of thoughts:

Well, what do you think about this?

Just listen to what happened to me when I...

I was thinking...

Have you ever wondered...?

And what do you like…?

How did you feel...?

But most of all I liked…

I feel…

When you're free, let's talk?

Communication is a response to the exchange of thoughts:

I understand what you mean.

Yes, I understand you.

Interesting.

I didn't even think about it.

Wow!

Well, you have to! I always thought that…

Are you saying that...

What are you thinking about?

Do you think that...?

2. The desire to object

The desire to object is another category of verbal aggression; it is this method that aggressors very often choose. Since the aggressor lives in Reality, he sees his partner as an enemy. What right then does the victim have to his opinion if it does not coincide with the aggressor? Objection is the most destructive form of verbal aggression for relationships, because the constant contradiction of the aggressor to the partner absolutely does not allow him to communicate with him. The aggressor constantly contradicts and objects to the partner. But at the same time he does not express his point of view, and if he is closed, he becomes practically invisible.

Below is an example of an objection.

Aggressor: They took too long to change the scenery.

Partner: I didn’t even notice.

Aggressor: Are you serious?

Partner: I wanted to say that it seemed to me that it wasn’t long at all, apparently, it seemed to you the opposite.

Aggressor, angrily: Do you understand what you are saying? There is an objective reality. Understand? Any critic would agree with me!

She tries to explain that she simply has her own opinion, different from his. He told her that her opinion was wrong. And at that moment her companion became angry, and she thought it better to agree with him and admit that she had indeed missed something.

3. The desire to devalue the achievements and feelings of another

Devaluing the achievements and feelings of another denies the reality and experience of the partner and is highly destructive. If the victim does not realize what is happening to her, does not understand that she is being subjected to aggression, she can suffer for years, trying to understand what is wrong with herself, with her ability to communicate. Devaluation denies and distorts the partner’s perception of aggression, and therefore it is no coincidence that it is considered the most insidious way of aggression.

To understand the mechanism of depreciation, imagine an item on a store counter that costs one hundred dollars, but is sold at a discount of one cent. That is, the item is practically devalued to the point that it is worth nothing. The verbal aggressor also devalues the partner’s experience, feelings and feelings, as if they are worthless.

If a partner says, for example: “It hurt me to hear that from you...”, or “That’s not funny. You’re hurting me on purpose.”, the aggressor says in response something that completely devalues the partner’s feelings. Here is a sample list of such statements:

You're too sensitive.

You don't understand jokes.

You're making a scandal out of nowhere.

You have no sense of humor.

You see everything in black.

You're too emotional.

You don't understand what you're saying.

You start again!

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

You are perverting everything.

Do you want a scandal?

It is quite natural that the partner begins to believe the aggressor. He tries to believe that, for example, there is something wrong with his perception of the world, his sense of humor and worldview. If he believes this, then confusion and a feeling of emptiness await him. He can spend hours thinking about how this happened, that he does not understand the jokes of the aggressor, etc.

4. Verbal aggression in the form of jokes

Aggression disguised as a joke is another category of verbal aggression that most people have experienced. It doesn’t take much intelligence or resourcefulness to humiliate your partner with a stupid and sometimes downright vulgar joke. The aggression is not in the joke itself. The point is surprise, speed and the fact that the aggressor hits where it hurts most, while remaining with an expression of triumph on his face. Aggression can never be funny, so it is not funny.

Derogatory comments disguised as jokes are usually directed at the victim, his intelligence and competence.

And if the partner says: “I don’t think there’s anything funny about this,” the aggressor will respond with devaluation: “You have a bad sense of humor.”

It is absolutely clear that the aggressor’s answers indicate that he is showing open hostility and is not at all eager to build relationships. Unfortunately, this is not so obvious to the victim. Because the aggressor often responds with anger, the partner may actually realize that he or she has got it all wrong. The effect that verbal aggression has on a partner's perception of the world cannot be overestimated.

Here are some angry comments that bullies make, calling them jokes:

You need a watchman!

Listen, you are easy to cheer up!

Well, what else can you expect from a woman!

Just don't lose your head!

The aggressor may even scare the partner and then laugh as if it were a joke.

5. Blocking and distortion of information

Blocking and distortion of information is a category of verbal aggression that specifically controls interpersonal communication. A verbal aggressor refuses to communicate, creates controversial situations, or withholds information. Thus, by blocking and distorting information, he prevents any attempts to resolve the conflict. He blocks information by directly demanding that the discussion be stopped or by changing the topic.

Blocking may also be accusing in nature; however, the main purpose of blocking is to stop discussion, stop communication, and hide information. Here are examples of blocking:

You know what I mean!

You think you know everything!

You heard me. I won't repeat it!

Do not interrupt me!

Bullshit!

Enough with all this nonsense here!

Stop shouting at my back!

Stop it!

Stop mumbling!

But they didn’t ask you!

Don't act like a bitch!

6. Reproaching and blaming another

A verbal aggressor loves to convict a partner of some action, violating the basic agreements of their relationship, accusing him of being angry, irritated or behaving inappropriately. Here are some examples.

Partner: I constantly feel that you are moving away from me.

Aggressor, with rage: just don’t attack me!

In this conversation, the aggressor accuses the partner of attacking him. In this way, he manages to avoid emotional intimacy and the opportunity to understand the feelings of his partner.

Aggressor: where is my wrench?

Partner: I think the kids left him in the back seat of the car.

Aggressor angrily: I didn’t ask you!

Partner: What are you angry about?

Aggressor, with rage: Don’t you understand, it was a rhetorical question.

The victim's attempts to establish communication are not accepted, and she is accused of infidelity, and thus she is to blame for the fact that the aggressor feels insecure. The point of all this is to force her to obey.

You want to create a scandal.

You're in trouble.

You are attacking me.

I've had enough of your complaints.

Stop acting like a bitch.

7. Criticism and condemnation of another

A verbal aggressor condemns a partner and then presents it as criticism. If he objects, he will say that he just wants to help, to point out the shortcomings, but in fact in this way he shows the victim that he does not accept him for who he is. Most bullies speak in a condemning tone. Thus, the favorite phrase of a verbal aggressor “you are too sensitive” always sounds condemning, as does verbal aggression in the form of jokes. Below are a few such damning statements.

Statements that begin with the words “how will I contact you…” always sound judgmental, critical and are verbal aggression.

Statements that begin with the words “your problem is that...” always sound judgmental, critical and constitute verbal aggression.

Most statements with the word “you” sound judgmental, critical and aggressive. Here are a few such statements with the word “you”:

You're lying.

You're never enough.

You always want to win.

You don't understand.

You don't understand jokes.

You are crazy.

You're itching.

Well, you're stupid.

Critical statements made about another person in his absence are also aggression. Only in this case all “you”, “thee”, “thee” turn into “he”, “him”, “him”. Examples:

He is afraid of his own shadow.

She distorts everything.

She talks non-stop about everything at once.

He's always grumbling.

8. Vulgarizing the meaning of what is happening

Vulgarization means that everything you say or do means absolutely nothing. When vulgarization occurs in an open, sincere tone, it is very difficult to understand what one has to face. If a partner trusts the aggressor, he will listen to his words and comments and end up feeling confused. It seems to the victim that her companion simply did not understand her, did not understand her words, interests and aspirations.

Vulgarization works on the sly, so the partner cannot understand why he feels confused and empty.

9. Withholding emotional support

Withholding emotional support leads to the gradual destruction of trust, spontaneity and spontaneity. An aggressor who uses this technique usually displays other types of aggression against his partner. Therefore, the victim's self-esteem and self-confidence are significantly reduced, making him even more vulnerable to the aggressor. Below are comments that are intended to destroy interest and enthusiasm.

Partner: What a beautiful flower!

Aggressor with disgust; flower like a flower.

Partner: I want to see if there is...

Aggressor: Why?

Direct rebuff is also a refusal of emotional support:

Who asked you?

Nobody asked your opinion.

You are the plug in this barrel.

You will not understand.

You can't understand this.

You will not make it.

Who do you want to surprise?

Sabotage is one of the options for refusing emotional support. A form of sabotage is the method of interrupting. For example, an aggressor sabotages a partner’s conversation with a stranger by constantly introducing some kind of inconvenience: he suddenly starts laughing loudly, opens the piano and starts playing. He can simply interrupt his partner and finish her sentences for her.

10. Threats

With the help of threats, the aggressor manipulates the partner. A verbal aggressor usually threatens a partner to deprive him of something important or scares him with the fact that he may experience severe pain (mental or physical).

Do as I say or I'll leave you.

Do as I say, or I'll take a mistress.

Do as I say or I'll file for divorce.

Do as I say or I'll get angry.

Do as I say or I'll hit you.

If you..., I... .

11. Name-calling

This is the most overt of all types of verbal aggression. Moreover, any words they call you are verbal aggression. Of course, words such as “sunshine”, “sweetheart”, “dear” are aggression only if pronounced with sarcasm, with irony, with anger.

12. Command tone

The command tone denies equality; the aggressor does not recognize the partner as an autonomous person. When an aggressor gives orders instead of requests, he intimidates the victim, as if she is just a tool in his hands, whose raison d'être is to fulfill his every desire. Here are examples of command tone:

Throw it out.

Come here and clean this place up.

You won't go outside today.

Take him away from here.

You won't wear this.

We won't discuss this.

Shut up.

13. Forgetting and denying facts

Forgetting facts involves denial and covert manipulation. The aggressor declares that something that happened did not actually happen, and this is aggression. We all forget things sometimes. However, constantly forgetting exactly those events that are important for a partner is already aggressive denial.

It happens that the victim will gather her strength after the aggressor yelled at her and cursed her, pull herself together and try to talk with the aggressor. And he has already forgotten about what happened and says: “What are you talking about? You’re doing it again!”

Some abusers are chronically forgetful when it comes to making promises that are especially important to their partner. The partner expects an agreement, but the aggressor forgets what he promised to do.

Although the consequences of all types of aggression are destructive, it is denial that is the most catastrophic and carries the most severe destruction, because it actually denies the reality of the partner.

Children and verbal aggression

How to develop high self-esteem

When a parent is faced with a stressful situation and a child needs attention, the urgency of the moment demands a quick response. And sometimes, even when there is time to think, a parent may not notice obvious and correct solutions to a problem, because his thoughts are in disarray and it is sometimes difficult for him to concentrate.

That is why it is not harmful for parents to remind themselves from time to time that the child needs to be raised in the spirit of goodwill and respect, even if the parents themselves are in a conflict or stressful situation.

When everything you say is respectful, your words are more likely to be respectful.

There are a huge number of books on how to raise children, and just as many practical courses for parents. Sometimes it’s even difficult to choose something more specific.

When choosing books about raising children, first of all focus on those that teach respect for the child. If you give your children love and attention, if you are involved in their lives, show interest in their feelings, are honest with them, and encourage them to be independent, then in most cases you will raise loving, considerate, honest and independent people.

How to build self-confidence

I think the most effective way to raise a child to have self-confidence is to be attentive to his wants and needs from the moment he begins to express those needs and desires. A parent might say:

Do you want to hold the spoon yourself?

Take your time, I'll wait while you tie your shoelaces.

Well, are you going to try buttering your own sandwich?

This is how dishes are washed.

How to teach yourself to value yourself and others.

Children are responsive to praise. They are born good, inquisitive and spontaneous. Everyone has their own unique talent or ability. As a parent, you must give your child the attention he needs. Pay attention to what your child particularly likes. This could be music, dancing, sports, games, etc. start encouraging him in quiet activities. This is how a child’s unique personality is born. Here's how to express encouragement and praise:

What a beautiful drawing!

Tell me, what is your favorite book?

You probably spent a lot of time on this.

Should I wait until you finish?

How to teach setting boundaries in communication.

To teach a child to communicate, you need to teach him to set boundaries. When parents set boundaries for children, children always feel safer. As they grow up, they learn to set their own boundaries for someone else. The easiest way to teach this is in childhood.

You can set boundaries for your child and still respect his feelings. For example, all children do not want to go to bed early or, on the contrary, want exactly what you cannot give them, but there are quite objective limits to the endurance of their nervous system and to the amount of property that is available to them.

When children experience verbal aggression

Sometimes, while trying to protect a child, a parent overlooks the simplest things that need to be done to show respect for the child's feelings.

If your child is offended, humiliated, or bullied, he needs your help. Sometimes parents unwittingly teach their child to put up with aggression. Therefore, it is useful to constantly ask yourself: “Was there something in what I said that minimized aggression?”

If a parent tells a child: “She (he) did not want to offend you,” this means that the child is denied adequacy of perception, his pain is denied, his experience is not valued. Aggression is deliberately downplayed and thus teaches the child to put up with it.

When you acknowledge your child's feelings and confront verbal aggression, you are showing respect for the child and his or her experiences. In doing so, you become the most important sympathetic witness. You also give your child an example of how to fight back aggression, teach him to value and listen to his feelings.

On the other hand, teaching a child that words cannot hurt (most often boys are taught this) means causing the child great delirium. Children may begin to doubt everything, even themselves.

Depending on the age of the child and who needs to be rebuffed, the child must learn to give an adequate rebuff to verbal aggression. Even a school-age child needs emotional support when he needs to fight back against an adult aggressor. And then the phrase: “Don’t be afraid. I am always with you,” will completely satisfy the child’s need for support.

Children learn aggression from adults and from their peers. One of the strongest responses to a peer who teases or humiliates a child is: “It’s YOU who says that.”

Such an answer usually puts the little aggressor into a state of stupor, because the other child briefly but clearly told him: “I don’t buy it. You said it. You are responsible for this."

When Children Become Verbal Aggressors

If you hear that your child is acting out as a bully, you can try the following responses. Everything here depends on the specific situation and age of the child.

It's not good to talk like that.

I don't want to hear that from you anymore.

I can't respect you when you talk like that.

Okay, that's enough.

You won't talk like that in my house. Clear?

Anger is like a drug

Anger underscores, justifies, and legitimizes verbal aggression. Aggressive anger is a category of verbal aggression. In order to determine what aggressive anger is, it is necessary for the victim to realize that she has not done anything for which she could be shouted at, snapped at, cut off in mid-sentence, and even looked at with anger, she is not to blame, regardless of how much the aggressor blames her for everything.

Partners of verbal bullies know that no matter how much they explain what they meant, it will never get the bully to apologize for being rude. He will never say: “Sorry for yelling, losing my temper. Please forgive me". Partners know from their own experience that this never happens. But they hope that someday the time will come when the aggressor will understand. Giving up this hope is the hardest thing in the world.

It is also important for the victim to realize that it is not at all up to her whether the aggressor yells at her or not. She can speak with tenderness, she can listen to him with full attention, she can try to help him in everything, try to be an interesting conversationalist, demonstrate intelligence and erudition, become more cheerful, lose weight, change her image, become more attractive - all this will not give any results, the aggressor is everything still won't change.

The aggressor's anger is born from his own internal and completely unbearable feeling of his own powerlessness, due to low self-esteem. He expresses his anger either in hidden form through manipulation, or openly with violent attacks directed against his partner. He attacks, denounces and blames his partner. Thus, his partner becomes a scapegoat for him, and he thus denies the real reason for his anger and convinces himself, and often the victim, that it was she who said or did something that caused him to behave this way.

Partners are addicted to the anger of aggressors and are looking for ways to combat the angry outbursts of their companions.

Literature:

“How to Deal with Verbal Aggression” P. Evans

Verbal aggression- a type of aggression that is an expression of negative feelings towards a person in verbal answers. Negative responses can be not only meaningful (curses, insults, threats), but also formal (screaming, squealing, growling).

Verbal aggression, unfortunately, not uncommon phenomenon in society. You can encounter it in transport, in a store, on the street, at school, university, in a government agency, at an enterprise and at home. The thing is that if people try to restrain physical aggression to the last, then many people do not hesitate to express verbal aggression with or without reason.

Verbal aggression has practically become the norm of behavior! It is not only justified, but also approved and promoted!

Aggressiveness is misinterpreted and associated with persistence, courage, self-confidence and the ability to defend one's own point of view.

But no matter how ignorance and rudeness rise, verbal aggression remains a phenomenon obstructive effective communication and human interaction. It is still impossible to solve any problem with shouting, humiliation of the interlocutor, evil jokes and quarrels.

The most dangerous phenomenon is the practice of verbal aggression in family. Children, hearing their parents scold and use foul language, will probably also grow up to be aggressive. An aggressive behavior pattern is learned easily and quickly.

Of course, you can justify yourself by saying that the child will still encounter verbal aggression among his peers, on the street, hear it on TV, read it on the Internet, but you need to understand that all this influence has much less power than parental education.

Parental behavior only automatically accepted as a role model and the norm, the actions of other people are assessed critically. Having heard a bad word from someone else, the baby will most likely first ask his mother what it means, and having heard it from his mother, he will, without hesitation, begin to use it himself.

Forms, types and manifestations of verbal aggression

Aggression as behavior aimed at causing physical or moral harm, a completely natural reaction to a threat, but if such behavior becomes a habit, a new character trait appears in the personality structure - aggressiveness.

People who often use verbal aggression sometimes don’t even think about the fact that they are aggressive. The thing is that the concept of aggression in our time is narrowed to one type, to physical aggression. But a word can hurt no less, and sometimes even more, than hitting a person.

Verbal aggression causes heartache, harms not only the psychological state and physical health, but also relationships between people, they deteriorate or are completely destroyed.

Verbal aggression manifests itself as:

insult,
accusation
foul language,
rude tone of conversation
threat,
reproaches,
curses,
argument,
scold,
gossip,
slander,
unfounded criticism,
negative review,
bad jokes,
hysterics,
cry,
screaming, squealing, screaming, roaring and other aggressive sounds.

There are also several types of verbal aggression:

Active and direct. Expressed in the form of humiliation and insult by one person to another in words directly during a conversation.
Active and indirect. It is expressed in the form of spreading slander and gossip about a person “behind his back.”
Passive and direct. Refusal to engage in conversation, demonstrative ignoring, neglect.
Passive and indirect. Refusal to provide explanations or speak out in defense of a person who is unfairly criticized.

Personality types of an aggressive person

Of course, verbal aggression, like any other, in its adequate manifestation serves as a protective mechanism of the psyche, a form of response to unfavorable life situations (life threat, stress, frustration, etc.), but it can also be used as way to solve problems in cases where it would be more moral to act non-aggressively.

Solving problems by shouting is not a solution in the vast majority of cases, but people resort to it because:

do not see any other option to preserve their individuality;
they want to prove they are right;
strive to protect or increase the level of their aspirations and self-esteem;
want to attract attention to their person;
want to manipulate, to subordinate another person/people to their will;
strive to maintain authority by humiliating others;
They don’t know how else to maintain control over the situation.

But it is possible to achieve goals, satisfy the need for self-realization and express accumulated negative emotions in other, creative, peaceful and cultural ways. This is why psychologists associated with verbal aggressiveness person With:

immaturity of personality,
lack of education,
low personal culture, immorality of the individual,
insufficient education (in particular, lack of psychological knowledge),
blurring the criteria of morality and morality in society.

People who are more likely to be aggressive are:

having various types of addictions,
leading an antisocial lifestyle,
those who grew up in dysfunctional or dysfunctional families, as well as orphans.

Their aggression is the result of a distorted worldview and carefully hidden, low self-esteem.

Verbal aggressiveness can be symptom mental disorder or cause the occurrence of such deviations.

But quite educated, civilized, mentally healthy people also resort to verbal aggression. Verbal aggression in this case most often represents a destructive verbal expression of emotions, justified by a certain immoral intent. A person wants to defeat an opponent, humiliate a competitor, take out anger on someone, express dissatisfaction, disagreement, hostility, and the like, even if he knows how to cooperate and solve problems peacefully.

Aggressive behavior is contrary to moral norms and generally accepted norms of behavior in society, but is consciously and unconsciously used by people, since the word of a person easily You can disarm, suppress, frighten, make you feel guilty and experience other negative emotions. To hear your interlocutor, understand him, and come to an agreement, you need to make much more effort.

It is much easier to remain ignorant than work on yourself: learn to control your speech, constructively express negative emotions, effectively resolve conflicts, and not respond to aggression with aggression.

If you are faced with the problem of verbal aggression, we recommend that you familiarize yourself with the psychological literature:

Yulia Shcherbinina “Russian language. Speech aggression and ways to overcome it. Textbook” and “Speech protection. Learning to manage aggression”
Vyacheslav Pankratov “Protection against psychological manipulation”
Tatyana Kuzmina “Psychological protection during criticism”
Mark Goulston “How to talk to assholes.” What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life”
Sergey Klyuchnikov “Personal territory. Psychological protection from aggression and manipulation”
L. Komalova “Language and speech aggression. Analytical review” (for researchers in the field of fundamental and applied speech science)