When aggression manifests itself in men, the reasons for this phenomenon can be very different - from a natural reaction to a stressful situation to somatic and mental pathology. In some cases, aggressiveness can be isolated, in others it becomes part of the personality, a disease that turns the life of the aggressor himself and those around him into a heavy burden, full of fear and danger.
What is aggression
This phenomenon is viewed from a variety of perspectives. Its definition is present in jurisprudence, psychology, and psychiatry. The young science of ethology, which studies the behavior of animals, deals with aggressive behavior, including in humans. Man comes to the attention of ethologists as the bearer of a huge complex of instincts inherited from a long line of ancestors at different evolutionary stages of the formation and development of the species Homo sapiens.
Aggression is an attack of anger. This anger can be triggered by external factors. In this case, aggression is called motivated. Most often, it is a consequence of strong fear that appears when there is a real threat to life, health or the integrity of property.
Unmotivated aggression manifests itself as inappropriate behavior that has no real reason. Hence its name.
Ethologists believe that the main reason for any aggression is fear. In some cases, it arises in the form of an adequate reaction to a real situation. In other cases, outbursts of aggression represent unmotivated impulses to dump negative emotions on a convenient object.
Oddly enough, any form of aggression, even the most irrational, has its own reason. Abruptly manifested rage allows a person to react to danger in time, avoiding negative consequences. Moreover, the reaction can be any. A person can run away, attack with unprecedented force, frightening or even killing the enemy. This rational expression of anger is salutary in nature.
Irrational aggression also has its meaning. It is usually a way of asserting oneself in communities where there is an official or social hierarchy. However, aggression can be a manifestation of mental illness or promiscuity of a person in authority.
Male aggression and its features
It is believed that uncontrolled aggression is most characteristic of men. However, women can also be irrationally and destructively aggressive. Moreover, women's screams, swearing, and anger are sometimes protracted. It can be more difficult to bring a woman out of such an attack than a man.
What is the difference between a man's manifestation of rage and a woman's? The specificity lies not only in hormonal principles, but also in differences in the instinctive basis of behavior.
Despite the increase in the number of women who live according to male laws, the psyche of representatives of different sexes still has significant differences.
Why do attacks of aggression occur in men? If we agree that men are indeed characterized by stronger and more frequent attacks of unmotivated rage, then this can be explained as follows:
- Excess testosterone. This hormone determines sexual activity. However, too much of it can provoke outbursts of sudden irritation that turn into rage.
- Men, by the structure of their psyche and instinctive base, are warriors. This property, of course, is realized in each member of the stronger sex in its own way, but on average, attacks of rage in men are caused by their constant readiness for combat. The function of a protector, and to some extent an invader, is also reinforced by social stereotypes, which places increased demands on men, creating nervous tension.
- Man, by his evolutionary origin, is a social being. This means that he has a highly developed instinct for the hierarchical structure of the community. He needs to constantly prove his superiority over others. This subconscious desire in women manifests itself mainly in acquisitiveness, and in men - in the form of sudden attacks of aggression.
All these reasons explain, but do not justify, behavior that does not correspond to the species name of man - Homo sapiens.
Forms of manifestation of aggression
The problem in our society is that male aggression is considered normal. This is something we have to reckon with and put up with. This position of society costs him dearly, but the stereotype of tolerance for male emotional incontinence in society is very stable.
It turns out that the strong half of humanity must be weak. After all, in order to restrain your emotions, you need great inner strength.
There are 2 forms of manifestation of aggression. One of them is verbal, when a person’s entire negativity manifests itself in the form of shouting, profanity, threats and insults. Another form is of the nature of physical impact in the form of beatings, murders, and destruction. In this case, physical impact can be directed not only at humans, but also at animals. To some extent, hunting can be considered a form of aggression, when a person goes to kill animals not for food, but for pleasure.
Most often, aggression is directed at other people, animals, and household objects. For example, breaking dishes is an obvious displaced behavior when the desire to beat or kill a person is replaced by loud breaking of plates, cups, windows, and household appliances.
However, there is also auto-aggression, when negative emotions are directed at oneself. This type of aggression can manifest itself in public refusal or consumption of junk food, suicide attempts, which are necessarily committed in large crowds of people. Self-incrimination can also be classified as auto-aggression, when a person declares himself guilty of something that only indirectly concerns him.
There is another manifestation of predominantly male aggression, which is called boss syndrome. The habit of yelling at subordinates is not a way of leadership. To some extent, this is a way of hypertrophied self-affirmation. Hypertrophy manifests itself in the inadequacy of aggressive behavior, because a boss is a person who already has superiority in relation to his subordinates, sufficient to satisfy his ambitions.
Managing by yelling, cursing, insulting and threatening is not a management style, but a manifestation of promiscuity. A successful leader who manages a team correctly can maintain order calmly, quietly, and even in a whisper. If such orders are carried out quickly and correctly, then this manager is in the right place.
Is boss syndrome a typically male form of aggression? If we consider that most bosses are men, then this style of combining leadership with wild aggression can be called typically masculine. Those women who, having power, allow themselves such a disgusting leadership style, actually imitate men, which in their opinion strengthens their position.
Reason and justification
Aggression, manifested in various forms, and especially in attacks of intense rage, can be a symptom of nervous and mental disorders. However, most often this is a manifestation of mental weakness. A person begins to enjoy the sudden release of excess energy, superiority over others, and most importantly, his own impunity. Such a person understands perfectly well when to flare up and when not to. You can yell at your wife, hit a child, or kick a dog in your own home with impunity.
All of these are criminal offenses. Only domestic violence often goes unnoticed by law enforcement agencies. Household members suffering from the painful or unbridled aggression of the father of the family begin to be protected only when visible signs of regular beatings appear to everyone.
Why does aggression become a habit? But because there are a number of justifications for such actions. A man can do all this because:
- he is the breadwinner;
- he gets tired at work;
- he is responsible;
- It’s their own fault - they brought it on;
- everyone here is babbling;
- they prevent him from resting, etc.
The presence of such arguments is a symptom of mental destruction. We are not talking about nervous and mental illnesses. This pathology is rather mental. This is a combination of weakness, cruelty and licentiousness.
Consequences of unmotivated aggression
Despite the fact that many people suffering from chronic aggression as a drug addiction derive pleasure from their actions, such actions are extremely harmful for both the object and the subject.
Those who suffer most from the tyranny of a hot-tempered person are all those who are forced to live with him under the same roof. Children who are forced to constantly be in fear of negative influences usually get sick, their fate is full of problems and suffering. They grow up unhappy and complex. The wives of such aggressors grow old and die early.
If a boss constantly yells at his subordinates, he creates an environment of fear and hostility. Such a person is surrounded by unreliable people. Action always causes reaction. People who are always humiliated do not carry out orders with a light heart, and deliberately or out of ignorance do not do the necessary work. Provided, of course, that this sabotage does not become obvious, provocative and dangerous for one’s career.
Typically, people with chronic aggression have problems with business. For example, if the owner or manager of a store publicly loudly reprimands his subordinates, then many people will try to avoid going to such a retail outlet. Why witness unpleasant scenes if there is another store within walking distance where a friendly atmosphere is created.
The subject of habitual aggression is also in for trouble. Screaming, threats, humiliation and even assault over time become not only a habit, but also a need. As a result, a person begins to shout not only at those who depend on him, but also at those on whom he himself depends. It is clear that the career of such a person is not going well. The problem also lies in the fact that not all people who are led by emotions, hormones and instincts can stop in time. A person who has become a chronic aggressor, even with the threat of losing his family and job, is not able to stop.
Scientists often consider the phenomenon of male aggression in the context of social phenomena. Uncontrollable rage for far-fetched or exaggerated reasons is a breeding ground for organizing social unrest. Men often express their rage not individually, but collectively. Spontaneous pogroms after football matches are a vivid example of a collective manifestation of unmotivated aggression. Such people easily succumb to calls to smash and beat for any reason.
So unmotivated aggression in men gives rise to problems not only of a medical, psychological and family nature. This is a negative social phenomenon that threatens the stability and well-being of society.
It is very important to trust your instincts at the initial stage of a relationship, because most often an aggressive man shows his true essence when he is already sure that the woman will not run away from him.
What is the behavior of an aggressive man? How to recognize it in the early stages of a romantic relationship? What signs in behavior indicate a person’s tendency towards aggression and violence?
Every woman should know the answers to these questions so that it is not too late to find out who a man really is and end the relationship sooner rather than later.
Signs of a man prone to aggression
- He is unreasonably jealous and suspicious
Jealousy is not always a sign of love, more often a sign of the presence of complexes and emotional instability. A self-confident man, even if he is jealous, will not create scenes and scandals when the guy at the next table just looks at you.
- Likes to control his woman
He wants to know everything about you, especially where and with whom you spent every minute of your day. He doesn't like it when you meet with colleagues after work, he reads your SMS, tries to participate in every area of your life. For example, he may insist on picking you up from work even if you don't want to.
- He doesn't respect his woman
He does not respect any woman in the world and will not treat his own differently - this is the reality. He doesn’t listen to her and demonstratively ignores her opinion. Double standards are also a sure sign of aggressiveness. If he treats his woman well and treats others poorly, this means that sooner or later he will show his essence.
- Easily loses his temper over little things
An overly irritable man who has poor self-control may also behave with his woman, but not immediately, but as soon as he feels comfortable in her environment, when he understands that she belongs to him, that she is in love with him, for example, or has become his wife.
- Often uses exaggeration in speech
This indicates a tendency to extremes in a person's character. For people like him, everything is either black or white (more often than not, black), there is no such thing as gray. He doesn’t know what compromise is, he doesn’t know how to negotiate or listen to other people.
- Prefers rapid development of relationships
Numerous studies have shown that aggressive men are most often in favor of rapid development of relationships. They don’t want to wait, the woman must belong to him as soon as possible, because this is the only way he can control her and dictate his rules to her. Women often complain that men are slow to propose marriage, but when he does it too early, it's a good reason to think and analyze your relationship. It happens that this is really love, but if he also shows other signs described in this article, then there is no need to rush.
- Tries to limit your communication with family and friends
He wants his woman only for himself and as the relationship develops, he shows more and more hostility when the woman communicates with other people from her environment. When the relationship becomes serious, or after the wedding, he simply forbids her such contacts.
- Mood often changes radically
Mood changes for all of us, but only in a psychologically unstable person can it change abruptly, often for no apparent reason.
- Uses threats and blackmail to control
“If you don’t do this, then I will...”, a common phrase that sounds from the lips of an aggressive man. He loves for everything to always be exactly the way he wants it, while he may not use physical violence; psychological aggression is no less terrible.
- Blames others for his problems
For him, everyone is to blame, but not himself. He is perfect and always does everything right. As time passes, he begins to shift more and more blame onto his woman, he makes her feel bad, often humiliates and violates his own dignity. This is a method of control using psychological aggression.
- He has a negative attitude towards women
He often scolds his ex-wives or girlfriends, says nasty things about them and generally considers women “venal” or uses other unflattering words, this means that he already has a certain image of women in his head, and the chance that he really considers you different is minimal. Most likely, he hopes that he will limit and “train” you so that you fit his idea of the right woman.
- He is aggressive towards animals and children
A person who can show violence towards defenseless creatures will not refrain from showing the same attitude towards his woman in the future. If he allows aggression towards the defenseless, you need to urgently run away from such a man and as far as possible.
- He is rude and disrespectful to others
If a man behaves well with his woman, but at the same time treats others poorly, this is a sure sign of aggressiveness, because at the beginning of the relationship he will not show his true essence to his woman, but with others he behaves as usual. Pay special attention to how he treats the service personnel of various establishments, be it a hotel or a restaurant.
An aggressive man believes that if he has paid something for something, then he can behave as he wants. He has the same attitude towards women; if he spent some of his money on her, he often already considers her his property.
Of course, you can sympathize with such people, because most often such behavior is the result of psychological trauma in childhood, growing up in a family with the same aggressive father, but this does not mean that you can somehow help him. Here you need the help of a professional psychologist, and there is no need to selflessly try to somehow survive in a relationship with an aggressive man because “he feels bad.” This is a mistake many women make. Be smarter and more selective in relationships.
There is such knowledge that is vitally necessary. As long as a person does not have an idea of some phenomenon, as long as he lacks a conceptual apparatus, the phenomenon can happen to him, but there will be no understanding of what is happening. Knowledge about manipulation and passive aggression is vital knowledge that should be taught even to children. I highly recommend books: George Simon "Who's in Sheep's Clothing?" and Albert Bernstein's Emotional Vampires.
"Manipulators are the type of people who are willing to make any effort to achieve their goal, but do everything possible to hide their aggressive intentions.[...]
When emotional suffering causes victims of hidden aggression to seek help for the first time, they usually have little idea why they feel so bad: they simply feel confused, anxious or depressed. However, gradually they come to understand that the presence of a certain person in their life is driving them crazy. They don't trust this person, but they can't explain why. They are angry with him, but at the same time they themselves feel guilty. They try to conflict with him because of his behavior, but ultimately they themselves find themselves on the defensive. People feel depressed and desperate because they make concessions when they intended to insist, and they say “yes” when they want to say “no,” and all attempts to change the situation are in vain. Contact with such a person always leaves them with a feeling of confusion, a feeling that they have been used. [...]
Hidden and passive aggression
Passive aggression, as the phrase itself implies, is aggression in inaction. Examples of passive aggression include various ways of taking emotional “revenge” on another person - refusing to cooperate with him, boycotting, showing resentment and dissatisfaction, complaining and whining, deliberately “forgetting” because you are angry or do not consider yourself obligated to cooperate, etc.
Hidden aggression, on the contrary, is very active, although it looks veiled. When someone acts covertly aggressive, they use calculated and cunning ways to get their way or get a desired reaction, but at the same time skillfully hide their intentions. [....]
It is extremely important to learn to see the inherent aggressiveness in manipulative behavior and to recognize the clever techniques with which manipulators direct their aggression in our direction. [...]
We are pre-programmed to believe that problem behavior only occurs when a person is experiencing a storm of emotion or is seriously anxious about something. We were taught that people only act aggressively in response to some form of attack. Therefore, even when our instinct tells us that someone is attacking us for no good reason, simply trying to get the better of us, we are not ready to heed the warnings of our inner voice. As a rule, we are puzzled, trying to understand what has annoyed this person so much, forcing him to act so unbalanced. We immerse ourselves in analyzing the situation instead of simply responding to an attack. It almost never occurs to us that this may simply be a person’s desire to win what he needs, to insist on his own, or to become the master of the situation. And when we see him first and foremost as a victim, we get stuck trying to understand him instead of taking care of ourselves.[...]
How to recognize manipulation and control techniques *
Understatement.
This technique is a unique fusion of denial and rationalization. With its help, the aggressor tries to convince others that his behavior is not as harmful and irresponsible as someone might think. This is an attempt to make a molehill out of an elephant. Understatement clearly highlights the difference between a neurotic and a character disordered person. A neurotic often makes a mountain out of a molehill, that is, he “catastrophizes” what is happening. An individual with character disorders often seeks to present his wrongful actions as something insignificant. The purpose of this technique is to make the person who is trying to resist the manipulator consider his criticism too harsh and exaggerated, and his assessment of the situation as unfair. Minimizing is not so much a way of reassuring yourself about your own behavior as it is a way of manipulating your impression of that behavior. They don't want you to see them as outright scoundrels. It is important to remember that they themselves are quite happy with their aggressive behavior, so the main task here is to convince you that there is nothing reprehensible in their behavior.
Lie.
Manipulators and other individuals with character disorders have refined lying to a high art. It is important to remember that individuals with character disorders lie often, sometimes simply for sport, and do it willingly even when it would be entirely possible to get by with the truth. Lies by default- a very elusive type of lie used by manipulators. The same can be said about lie by distortion. The manipulator withholds an important part of the truth or distorts some essential elements in order to leave you in the dark. One of the most subtle types of distortion is vagueness. This is a favorite tactic of manipulators. They carefully craft the story to make it seem like you have the information, but at the same time omit important details that would allow you to reconstruct the whole picture.
Negation.
Denial is the abuser's refusal to acknowledge harmful or hurtful actions that he has clearly committed. Thus, he lies (both to himself and to others) about his aggressive intentions. Reception "Who am I?!" makes the victim, who is trying to resist the aggressor, doubt the validity of his actions. In addition, the aggressor thereby gives himself permission to continue in the same spirit. The manipulative technique of denial is a maneuver through which the aggressor forces those around him to stop, retreat, and perhaps even blame himself for injustice.
Selective inattention.
The aggressor ignores warnings, requests, desires of others and, more broadly speaking, everything that can distract him from the implementation of his intentions. Using the “I don’t want to hear about it!” technique, the aggressor, as a rule, knows perfectly well what you need from him. With this technique, he actively resists attempts to attract his attention and force him to refrain from behavior that needs correction.
Rationalization.
Rationalization is the bully's attempt to justify behavior that he knows was inappropriate and harmful. This technique can be very effective, especially if the explanation or justification sounds meaningful enough for any decent person to believe it. Rationalization not only removes internal obstacles, muffling the remorse that the aggressor might have, but also allows him to avoid accusations from other people. If the aggressor manages to convince you that his actions are justified, this frees his hands and allows him to continue moving towards his goal without interference.
Evasion.
A moving target is more difficult to hit. When we try to push the manipulator to the wall, or keep the discussion on something that does not suit us, he brilliantly changes the subject, evades and fusses. Magicians have long known that if you distract the viewer's attention, you can completely unnoticed hide something in your pocket or remove it from there. Manipulators use distraction and evasion techniques to confuse us, preventing us from focusing on their behavior and calmly continuing with their hidden intentions. Sometimes this happens subtly. You can argue with a manipulator on a very important issue, and a minute later catch yourself inexplicably slipping into a discussion of a completely different topic.
Prevarication.
With the help of this technique, closely related to evasion, the manipulator tries not to allow himself to be driven into a corner by giving random answers to a direct question or otherwise obfuscating the topic. An implicit but effective option for prevarication is deliberate vagueness. Hidden-aggressive individuals masterfully give vague answers to simple, “head-on” questions. Here you need to keep your eyes open: sometimes the vagueness is not obvious, and you think that you have received the answer, although this is not the case.
Hidden threat.
Aggressors often threaten their victims to maintain a state of anxiety, intimidation, and compliance. They put forward counter-arguments with such force and passion that they force their opponents to go on the defensive. As for covertly aggressive individuals, they intimidate their victims mainly veiled threats. This allows you to force others to defend themselves without openly threatening or demonstrating obvious hostility. For covertly aggressive individuals, it is important to get their way while saving face.
Inducing feelings of guilt.
This is one of the two favorite techniques in the arsenal of hidden aggressive individuals (the second is an appeal to conscience). This is a special type of intimidation. Aggressive individuals know very well that other people (especially neurotics) are very different from them in the structure of their conscience. They also know that a full-fledged conscience is accompanied by a developed ability to experience shame and guilt. Manipulators masterfully use their knowledge to present themselves as more respectable than the victim and thereby drive him into a subordinate position, causing him to worry and doubt himself. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon.
Aggressive personalities of all stripes often and effectively use guilt pressure for manipulation, which serves as an excellent illustration of the fundamental differences in character between them and all other personality types (especially neurotics). The manipulator only needs to hint to a conscientious person that he is not caring enough, too selfish, etc., and the victim immediately begins to feel terrible. On the contrary, a conscientious person can try until he is blue in the face to make the manipulator (or an aggressive person, or a person with a character disorder) feel remorse, admit the wrongfulness of his actions, take responsibility - everything will be in vain.
Reproach, or appeal to conscience.
It is a way of reinforcing another person's self-doubt or fear through subtle sarcasm and demeaning criticism. Covert-aggressive individuals use this technique to make the enemy feel inferior, unworthy, and ultimately make concessions. This is a good way to create an inescapable feeling of inferiority in the weaker party, which allows the aggressor to maintain a dominant position for as long as desired.
Hidden-aggressive individuals skillfully use appeals to conscience in its most subtle form. Sometimes this technique slips through only in a glance or intonation. Through rhetoric, subtle sarcasm, and other methods, they can make you feel a burning shame for even attempting to challenge them.
Playing the role of the victim.
The essence of this technique is to present yourself as a victim of circumstances or someone else's actions in order to evoke sympathy, arouse pity and thereby receive something from others. One of the principles that covertly aggressive individuals rely on is that less hostile and insensitive people usually cannot bear to watch someone suffer. So, this technique is very simple: convince your victim that you are suffering in one way or another, and he will try to alleviate your suffering. The ease with which one can play on the sympathy of conscientious, sensitive, caring people is their weak point.
Denigration of the victim.
This technique is often used in conjunction with playing the role of the victim. The aggressor uses it to pretend that he is only responding to aggression from the true victim - that is, defending himself. This helps the aggressor force the victim to defend himself. The technique of denigrating the victim is the most powerful tool for making someone unconsciously defensive and at the same time masking their own aggressive intentions and actions.
Disguise as service.
Covert-aggressive individuals use this technique to hide selfish plans under the guise of serving a noble goal. This is a common, but difficult to recognize tactic. Under the guise of hard work for the benefit of others, covertly aggressive individuals smuggle in their own ambition, lust for power and desire to occupy a dominant position.
Projecting guilt (blaming others).
Aggressive individuals are always looking for ways to shift responsibility for their aggressive behavior onto others. Covert-aggressive individuals are not only excellent at finding scapegoats, but they do it so subtly that it is difficult to catch them by the hand.
Ostentatious innocence.
The manipulator demonstrates ostentatious innocence when he tries to convince you that any damage he caused was accidental or that he did not do what he is accused of. This technique is designed to make you doubt your assessment of the situation and perhaps even your sanity. Sometimes this tactic is so subtle that it appears only as an expression of surprise or indignation on the manipulator's face at the moment when he confronts you. But even the facial expression is designed to make you wonder, in hindsight, whether you were right to point out this person's bad behavior.
Displayed ignorance or embarrassment.
This technique is closely related to ostentatious innocence and looks like this: the manipulator acts as if he is aware of what you are talking about, or is confused by the important issue to which you are trying to attract his attention. Thus, the manipulator is “playing the fool”, trying to force you to doubt your sanity. All types of individuals with character disorders tend to resort to ostentatious ignorance or embarrassment. This is a very effective way to veil your malicious intent. Remember that all individuals with character disorders (and especially aggressive individuals) are very purposeful individuals who strive to achieve their intentions at all costs and use the described techniques consciously, prudently and intentionally. Although they will often claim that they “don’t know” what you mean when you make these claims, or “don’t understand at all” why they did something you found offensive, it’s important not to fall for this ploy of perceived ignorance.
Demonstrative anger.
According to conventional wisdom, anger is an involuntary emotional reaction that precedes aggression. But deliberate displays of anger can be a very effective and well-calculated tool of intimidation, coercion and ultimately manipulation.
Moreover, when it comes to the behavior of an aggressive person, it would be a mistake to assume that anger necessarily precedes aggression. Aggressive individuals use open expressions of anger to intimidate and manipulate others. Initially they have no anger. They just want what they want and get angry when they don't get it. In this case, they begin to use any techniques to remove the obstacle from the path. Sometimes the most effective technique is to demonstrate sufficient emotional intensity and fury to shock the other person into submission." (c)
From D. Simon's book "Who's in Sheep's Clothing?"
* given with my abbreviations.
I will add on my own behalf.
Reading Simon's book for the first time, I caught myself thinking, how can I understand who is the manipulator and who is the victim? I often come across such a phenomenon as “everyone has their own truth.”
Now I have an answer to this question. In interpersonal relationships between two people, it is possible to determine what social roles they have. For example, mother-daughter, husband-wife, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, friend-friend, boss-subordinates, grandmother-grandson, etc. Each role has an obvious set of functions unique to that role. Anyone who does not perform functions in accordance with his social role is manipulating.
For example, a child has problems with school performance. The mother learns the homework, the grandmother helps with the homework (practically she does it herself) - in this case the child manipulates. Another thing is that in this story, for some reason, one of the members of the family system needs it. But more on that another time.
Aggression is a way of expressing anger. Even the meekest person cannot claim to be free from it, because it is an evolutionary survival mechanism. In reasonable doses, aggression is necessary to take traffic jams, burning projects and uncooperative partners by storm. But there are forms of it that are difficult to identify, and therefore not easy to overcome. Of these, passive aggression is the most subtle and destructive. Often, spouses use passive-aggressive behavior to avoid short-term conflict. But in the long run, its consequences can be more destructive to a marriage than the expression of direct aggression.
The word "passive" in Latin means "suffering." “Passive aggression really hits its source no less than the one at whom it is directed,” says Galina Turetskaya, a candidate of psychological sciences and a practicing coach in the field of creating relationships. “It becomes the basis for many fears: fear of dependence on relationships, fear of being rejected, intimophobia (fear of emotional intimacy), fear of facing one’s own and other people’s emotions.” This gives rise to a defensive reaction: emotional distancing, avoidance of intimacy in relationships. When a child is scared, he cries, screams, runs away, hides. An adult does almost the same thing, only he puts it in “decent” forms: he avoids communication, forgets, does not participate in relationships under plausible pretexts, hangs up a sign “I’ve gone into myself, I won’t be back soon.” And if in social situations (at work, in the company of friends) you can still close your eyes to this, then in personal relationships such behavior hurts both: both the partner who does not understand anything, and the aggressor himself. This is similar to the uprising of robots: against the will, an autopilot turns on in the human mind, which knows only one program - to avoid, but in such a way as not to look guilty.
Desire plus fear
First of all, it is important to understand: anger, powerlessness, and guilt are the most common reactions of women in relationships with a passive aggressor. Remember that you are also a person and have the right to emotions. By suppressing anger, you risk becoming the same passive aggressor as he is. “Don’t lead to an explosion: when faced with something that doesn’t suit you, immediately express your reaction honestly and openly - then you can do it calmly. Formulate the problem and state it. And then offer solutions that are convenient for you,” advises Galina Turetskaya.
The passive aggressor also wants intimacy, but the fear of becoming dependent is stronger than the need for love. Desire plus fear is the formula for inaction. “Neither retaliatory ignoring (running off to different corners), nor irritation, nor showing increased concern will lead to a good result,” says the psychologist. “It’s important to maintain calm and a positive attitude, showing with your appearance: I’m ready for dialogue, but you’ll have to take a step.” After all, an active position is exactly what the partner is so afraid of.” Is the suit dry cleaned? Let him wait there in the wings. Try to make an effort on yourself and not take responsibility that has been transferred to you, do not fulfill his promises for your partner. Try to be calm about his excuses, don’t try to catch him in a lie - he could actually be late at work. But even if he sat there until the bitter end, just not to go to the cinema, as you agreed, all the same, the excuses are the best possible for him at the moment. Over time, as the partner gains experience actively participating in the relationship, he will be able to take on more responsibility.
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Masculinity test
Psychoanalyst and genetic psychology specialist Dmitry Kalinsky notes: at least 70% of men show passive aggression. But women also suffer from this “disease”. After all, society instructs us to be soft and non-conflict. Under pressure from the stereotype of femininity or fear of losing a relationship, aggression takes hidden forms.
“Ivan and I have been dating for several months, and I would really like this relationship to develop into marriage,” admits Marina (27). “But sometimes I feel like he doesn’t understand me.” Recently, knowing that I was working at home, I arrived unannounced with flowers and sweets. I couldn’t explain that I couldn’t give him time, that he showed up at the wrong time and was distracting me. She took the bouquet over the threshold and excused herself with urgent work. For some reason he was offended.” If a man behaved incorrectly, open war could be declared against him. But he shows care, attention, demonstrates a desire to be close - there’s nothing to complain about! Then the tools of hidden aggression are used, including tests for real men.
How often at the beginning of a relationship do you give your partner “lice checks”, as if specifically demonstrating your worst sides: capriciousness, irritability, games of keeping quiet, nagging with or without reason. All of these are also forms of passive aggression, but of a slightly different kind. The subconscious signal of this behavior is: “Love me like this - and then I will believe that you really love me.” But you cannot control the line beyond which slight female bitchiness develops into aggression. It’s good if your hero turns out to be experienced and patient enough to go through the probationary period. And if not, you will soon turn into two disappointed people who still don’t understand who is to blame and what it was. The best thing in such a situation is to consult a psychologist to understand the reasons and eliminate mistrust in the man.
Do you trust me?
“Once I had a serious conflict at work,” recalls Evgenia (29). — My boyfriend called and asked how I was feeling, began to console me, and advised me something. The more he talked, the angrier I became. Later I sent him a text saying that I felt bad, I would go to my parents for a while, and when I returned, I would call back. I was waiting for my beloved to rush after me, to feel sorry for me, to hug me. But he didn't. A few days later I dialed his number and heard an aloof “Hello”. The old warmth has disappeared somewhere, we have moved away from each other.”
The main effect of passive aggression is a lack of trust in the partner. Every time he wants to show his feelings, you slip away, prevaricate. The beloved “catches the air with his hands.” And this is what causes the most irritation. If it were possible to have a heart-to-heart talk with the passive aggressor, it would become clear that he himself is not happy with this development of the relationship. Why is he doing this? Gestalt therapist Natalya Kundryukova explains: “To avoid even greater suffering. In many cases, this pattern (an unconsciously repeated pattern of behavior) is formed in childhood. As a rule, in the first days and months of life, the child for some reason failed to form an emotional connection with a significant adult. For example, the mother could not hold him in her arms immediately after birth, could not breastfeed, or went to work early.” The baby lacked emotional and physical contact; the basic need was not satisfied. That is why, in adulthood, when trying to form close relationships, such a person unconsciously repeats his traumatic experience. Simultaneously with the desire to get closer, to receive attention and support, he experiences fear of rejection and shame for experiencing these desires. Instead of taking a step forward, asking for help and receiving it, he begins to prevaricate.
According to Natalya Kundryukova, it is necessary to realize and live the rejection received in early childhood. Unfortunately, it is impossible to do this on your own, without the help of a therapist. It is important for a person suffering from passive aggression to understand: this type of behavior destroys both relationships with dear people and his own body. Probably the best solution is to accumulate resources (determination, hope and money) and try to work with a psychologist in the format of individual consultations. Internal pain and mistrust can be experienced. Or you will have to choose a safe distance in the relationship and give up the idea of intimacy.
How to recognize a passive aggressor
Puts things off until later until it is too late.
Does not keep promises, “forgets” about agreements, avoids emotional intimacy.
Denies, turns everything upside down, making the partner guilty.
Expresses his position unclearly and confuses his tracks.
Doesn't show attention: doesn't call, doesn't write SMS.
Sends conflicting signals: for example, he talks about love, but acts in such a way that you suspect the opposite.
Never apologizes.
4 strategies for effectively interacting with a passive aggressor from Signe Whitson, author of the book “Evil Smile: The Psychology of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in the Family and at Work”:
TEXT: Galina Turova