Your acquaintance, boyfriend or girlfriend has had a misfortune, you want to console her, support her, but you don’t know how to do it, what words should be spoken and what words should be avoided, today we will talk about how to console a person: Right words. Grief is a special human reaction that occurs as a result of some kind of loss, for example, after the death of a loved one or loved one.
Four stages of grief:
The first stage is shock. It lasts for a few seconds and can last up to several weeks. Characteristic signs: insensibility, low mobility, too much activity, sleep problems, lack of appetite, loss of interest in life.
The second stage is suffering. Lasts from 5 to 8 weeks. Characteristic signs: lack of concentration, poor attention, sleep and memory disturbances. A person may experience lethargy, a desire to be alone, and may be haunted by constant feeling anxiety and fear. There may be sensations of pain in the stomach, as well as a coma in the throat or heaviness in the area chest. A person who experiences the death of a loved one or loved one this period, can idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, feel rage, guilt, irritation or anger towards him.
The third stage is acceptance. Typically ends after a year has passed from the date of death loved one. Characteristic signs: appetite is restored, sleep is restored, planning future life. Sometimes a person continues to suffer, but attacks occur much less frequently.
The fourth stage is recovery. Basically, it begins after one or a year and a half, grief is replaced by sadness, the person begins to feel much calmer about the loss of a person.
Without a doubt, it is necessary to console a person in a state of grief! If he is not given proper assistance, this may well lead to heart disease, infectious diseases, alcoholism, depression or accidents. Support and comfort your loved one, psychological help, V in this case, priceless! Communicate with him, even if the person does not pay attention, does not listen to you, do not worry, after a while he will thank you for your help.
As for people who are unfamiliar to you, here you need to rely on your own strength, if you feel a desire to help and moral strength - provide assistance, comfort the person. If he doesn’t push you away, scream or run away, then you’re doing everything right. So, how to comfort a person in the two most difficult stages of grief:
Shock stage
Your behavior:
Casually touch the victim. Put your hand on your shoulder, take your hand, hug, stroke your head. Watch the person's reaction. If you are being pushed away, you shouldn’t impose yourself, but you shouldn’t leave either.
Do not leave the victim alone.
Keep the person busy with some easy work, for example, organizing a funeral.
Make sure that the victim eats and rests on time.
Listen actively. Ask questions. Help the person talk through their pain and experiences.
Comfort the person with the words:
If you know the deceased person, tell him something good about him.
Talk about the deceased in the past tense.
Never say:
“He’s worn out”, “He’ll be better there”, “For everything God's will», this phrase can help only strongly religious people.
“Time heals”, “Such a loss, it’s hard to recover from”, “You strong man“Be strong” - these phrases only increase loneliness and suffering.
“You are beautiful, young, you will give birth to a child/get married.” Such statements can cause irritation.
“If only the doctors had been more attentive”, “If only the ambulance had arrived faster.” These phrases are of no use, in fact, they are completely empty, they can only increase the bitterness of loss.
Stage of suffering
Your behavior:
Give the sufferer more fluids. He should drink about 2 liters during the day clean water.
At this stage, you can leave the person alone for a while.
Organize an easy physical activity(swimming, running in the morning).
If a person wants to cry, let him do it. Don't hold back and own emotions- cry with him.
If the mourner shows anger, do not interfere.
Comfort the person with the words:
Talk about the deceased, try to bring the conversation to feelings: “You are very depressed,” “You are lonely.” Tell us about your experiences, how you feel.
Say that suffering is not eternal, the loss of a person is not a punishment for anything, it is a certain part of life.
Never say:
“Stop suffering”, “Stop shedding tears”, “Everything is in the past” - this is harmful and tactless for psychological health.
“Believe someone much worse than you.” Such phrases can only help in a situation of divorce, or in the death of a person; they have nothing to do with it and will not bring any benefit.
If a person is far away from you, call him, leave messages on his answering machine, write a letter using Email or send an SMS message. Express your condolences and share your memories of the deceased.
It is imperative to help a person who is experiencing grief, especially if this is a person close enough to you; by helping the grieving person, you are helping yourself to cope with your own experiences of grief. psychological level, console the person with the right words, try to treat this approach delicately, so as not to say something wrong and not to harm the grieving person.
In life we often face various obstacles. This could be job loss, illness, death of a family member, financial troubles. At such a moment, it is difficult for a person to find the strength within himself and move on. He so needs support at this moment, a friendly shoulder, kind words. How to choose the right words of support that can really help a person in Hard time?
Expressions that should not be used
There are a number of common phrases that first come to mind when you need to support someone. It's better not to say these words:
- Don't worry!
- Everything will work out! Everything will be fine!
At a time when the world has collapsed, this sounds like a mockery. The man is faced with the fact that he does not know how to solve his problem. He needs to think about how to fix everything. He is not sure that the situation will turn out in his favor and he will be able to stay afloat. So, how will the empty statement that everything will work out help? Such words sound even more blasphemous if your friend has lost a loved one.
- Do not Cry!
Tears are the body's natural way of coping with stress. You need to let the person cry, speak out, and give free rein to their emotions. He will feel better. Just hug and be close.
- There is no need to give examples of people who are even worse off
A person who has lost his job and has nothing to feed his family does not care at all that children are starving somewhere in Africa. Anyone who has just learned of a serious diagnosis is not very interested in cancer mortality statistics. You should also not give examples that relate to mutual friends.
When trying to support a loved one, remember that this moment he is morally depressed by his problem. You need to carefully select your expressions so as not to accidentally offend or touch on a sore subject. Let's figure out how to support a person.
Words that will help you survive the turning point
When our loved ones find themselves in difficult situations, we are lost and often do not know how to behave. But what was said in right moment words can inspire, console, restore faith in yourself. The following phrases will help you feel your support:
- We will get through this together.
In difficult times, it is important to know that you are not alone. Let your loved one feel that you are not indifferent to his grief and that you are ready to share all the difficulties with him.
- I understand how you feel.
When you are in trouble, it is important to be heard. It's good to have someone nearby who understands you. If you have found yourself in a similar situation, tell us about it. Share your thoughts and emotions at that moment. But there is no need to tell how you heroically dealt with the situation. Just let them know that you have been in your friend’s shoes. But you got through it and he will get through it too.
- Time will pass and it will become easier.
Indeed, this is a fact. We no longer even remember many of the troubles in life that happened to us a year or two ago. All troubles remain in the past. Sooner or later we find a replacement for a betrayed friend or unhappy love. Financial problems are also gradually being resolved. Can be found new job, pay off a loan, cure a disease or alleviate its symptoms. Even sadness from the death of a loved one passes over time. It is important to survive the moment of shock and move on.
- You've been in worse situations. And nothing, you did it!
Surely your friend has already faced obstacles in life and found a way out of them. Remind him that he is strong courageous man and is able to solve any problem. Cheer him up. Show him that he can survive this difficult moment with dignity.
- It's not your fault what happened.
The feeling of guilt for what happened is the first thing that prevents you from looking at the situation soberly. Let your loved one know that this is how the circumstances developed and anyone else could have been in his place. There is no point in looking for those responsible for the trouble; you need to try to solve the problem.
- Is there anything I can do for you?
Perhaps your friend needs help, but doesn't know who to turn to. Or he doesn't feel comfortable saying it. Take the initiative.
- Tell him that you admire his endurance and fortitude.
When a person is morally depressed by difficult circumstances, such words inspire. They are able to restore a person’s faith in their own strength.
- Don't worry, I'll be there right away!
These are the most important words that each of us wants to hear crucial moment. Everyone needs someone close and understanding nearby. Don't leave your loved one alone!
Help your friend approach the situation with humor. Every drama has a little comedy. Defuse the situation. Laugh together at the girl who dumped him, or at the pompous director who fired him from his job. This will allow you to look at the situation in a more optimistic light. After all, everything can be solved and corrected while we are alive.
The best support is to be there
The main thing we say is not with words, but with our actions. A sincere hug, a timely handkerchief or napkin, or a glass of water can say more than you think.
Transfer some of the household issues to yourself. Provide all possible assistance. After all, at the moment of shock, a person is not even able to cook dinner, go to the store for groceries, pick up children from kindergarten. If your friend has lost a family member, help with funeral arrangements. Make the necessary arrangements and just be there.
Gently shift the person's attention to something mundane that is not related to their grief. Keep him busy with something. Invite to the cinema, order pizza. Find a reason to get outside and take a walk.
Sometimes silence is better than anything, even the most sincere words. Listen to your friend, let him speak out, express his emotions. Let him talk about his pain, about how confused and depressed he is. Don't interrupt him. Let him say his problem out loud as many times as necessary. This will help you look at the situation from the outside and see solutions. And you just be close to your loved one in a difficult moment for him.
Olga, St. Petersburg
Troubles happen in the life of any person. Someone outwardly experiences death calmly, but for others a real disaster is a reprimand at work or a failed exam at the institute. In moments of crisis, the participation of others can calm you down and help you believe in yourself again. What words of support can you say in difficult times? Should we sympathize with everyone around us?
When is it okay to meddle in other people's business?
Remain indifferent to the problems of a loved one, close friend or a relative is at least uncivilized. Even if what happened seems like a mere trifle to you, you need to give the “victim” the opportunity to speak out. Try to give some helpful advice to solve an existing problem or simply express your sympathy. Does a casual acquaintance or an ordinary friend need your words of support in difficult times? This controversial issue. Many people feel awkward when they learn about the death of the husband of “Masha from the next department at work” and do not know how to react correctly. To pester with your formal condolences to a person who works in one office building with you, it’s not always decent. But if we're talking about about a classmate at the institute with whom you regularly meet for coffee and chat about trifles, it is impolite to ignore what happened. The most appropriate thing to do in this situation is to briefly express your condolences or regrets and offer help.
What to say to a loved one?
Sometimes it seems to us that we know and understand our friends better than ourselves. But then something happens, and it’s not at all clear what kind of support a friend should have in difficult times. If a person is in the mood to talk, be sure to give him this opportunity. Try to be alone where no one can overhear you. Don't pester additional questions, but just listen and show your interest with all your appearance. But not all people are used to sharing their problems. If your friend is from this category and does not start a conversation first, it is better to let him calm down and not pester him with questions. Intrusive advice You shouldn’t give, but it’s acceptable to tell what you would do in such a situation.
How to rehabilitate a friend?
Some problems can be solved. With others you just have to come to terms with it. In the first case, the task of a loved one is to help his friend calm down quickly and begin to act. In the second type of situation, the only way you can help is to try to distract your friend. The most important thing is to choose the right strategy. If your friend's loved one has an accident, he is unlikely to want to go to a club to have fun. But visiting a hospital together, taking a walk together and having a leisurely conversation is a completely different matter. Of course, supporting a friend in difficult times also involves real help. If possible, offer to live together for some time, take on some of the household chores and invite the injured party to get a good night's sleep and rest.
What to do when a loved one is in trouble?
It is extremely difficult to support your loved one. It is important to remember that your view of the problem may be radically different from your partner's perception of the situation. Much easier for men understand your women than vice versa. The fair sex is characterized by emotionality; many ladies love not only to describe in detail what happened, but also to talk about their feelings. All a man needs to do is listen. A common mistake that many husbands make: only after learning about the problem do they begin to look for solutions. This is not entirely the right tactic. The woman must first be pitied and reassured. And only after that can you make any attempts to solve the problem. It is quite possible that real action it is not required, but it is enough to find words of support in difficult times and remind you of your love and readiness to help.
How to help your beloved man get through a dark period?
If troubles occur with a representative of the stronger sex in a couple, the woman should gain wisdom. For some men, problems are just new lessons, while for others, any failure is the end of the world. The main rule is the same as when communicating with any other person. You should not try to find out more than what your interlocutor is trying to tell you. Supporting a loved one in difficult times can also be based on completely ignoring the problem. You should behave as if nothing had happened, trying to please your spouse with some little things. Some men need encouragement. It would be appropriate to say that, thanks to strong qualities character, they will be able to change and improve everything. The most important thing is to avoid criticism. Even if the current situation occurred due to a mistake and shortcoming of your spouse, you should not remind him of this. Suffice it to say that everything will definitely be the same as it was or even better.
How to console a sick person?
Health problems are the most serious. It’s not without reason that they say that you can buy everything except longevity and your well-being. What words of encouragement will really help a sick person? If the illness is not serious, try to cheer up your interlocutor and jokingly call for a speedy recovery. It would be useful to remind you of what awaits the patient after discharge from the hospital. Promise to go somewhere together interesting place or take a long-awaited walk. The patient will also be encouraged by the fact that his presence is missed by everyone.
What about those who are seriously ill?
If the disease is serious enough, it is necessary to please the patient with every little thing and try to support him good mood. Let us believe every day that healing is possible. Tell us about people who have successfully overcome this disease, and try to introduce your relative or friend to one of them, even if only virtually, using the Internet.
Should parents be supported?
It is not always easy to find words of support for a loved one. How to behave if your parents have problems? There should be no secrets between relatives who are so close. But for parents, we remain children at any age, and for this reason it can be difficult for them to talk about their troubles and admit own weaknesses. Words must be chosen especially carefully. Whatever you say, it should not call into question the authority of the parents. The best tactics will be the usual care and participation. Show your attention, and, most likely, mom or dad will not only tell you everything, but maybe even ask for help or advice. If a person is depressed and does not strive to look for a way out of the current situation, you should help him tune in to a more positive attitude. positive mood. Try to distract your parents with something or just talk, remembering the past. The most important thing is not to panic and not to rush to act. As soon as calm comes, you can think about the current situation and find the best option solutions to this problem.
How to help your own child cope with problems?
A person who is depressed or in a long-term depressed state demands from us special treatment And special way communication. The form in which we address the sufferer plays a role in this case vital role. Coping with your condition is often impossible alone, and if you really want and are ready to help a loved one, use the hint, it’s not that difficult!
1. Perhaps there is something I can do to alleviate your condition?
Showing something is not the same as just saying it. Words are not all that can help a depressed person. As a rule, any proposals that come as a “lifeline” are more often like a “magic kick”. Organic apples? Yoga? They are all perceived in approximately the same way: “You are doing something terrible in life, and it is your fault.”
What will be much more comfortable to hear from a loved one or friend when you can’t live actively on your own is, for example, an offer to help clean the house or an invitation to a cozy restaurant (specific name, date) for lunch or dinner. This may sound like the behavior of a pampered, self-centered child, but don't be afraid to offer these suggestions to those who are struggling with sadness hormones. Why not help a person in this difficult struggle?
2. What do you think could help you feel a little better?
In many ways, adults remain like small children; If you tell your child that it's best to stop eating Skittles because they give him nasty pimples on his cheeks, it's unlikely to stop him from stuffing six more into his mouth. This formulation of the question leaves a person free to independent decision. It’s as if you are turning to his “inner assistant,” who in fact always knows what’s best.
3. Is there anything I can do for you?
Again, as in the first point, effective communication- it’s not easy to say, but also to do. Even crying man in response to your question he will simply silently shake his head, I assure you: he will hear your proposal, and it in itself will become some kind of support.
4. Can I give you a ride somewhere?
Few people know that people suffering from depression are bad drivers. In fact, they are VERY bad drivers. Medical staff can confirm that driving behavior can be a good diagnostic tool for mood disorders. So perhaps your help could make a difference not only to your depressed loved one, but to others along the road as well.
5. Where do you find more support?
Eat a big difference between the phrases “Why don’t you go to a psychotherapy group for depression?” and “You need support. Let's find out what it could be." Don't let your questions sound like an accusation of laziness.
6. You won't always feel this way.
This is the perfect phrase that I would like to hear fifty times a day when I was ready to leave this world forever. These words do not accuse, do not put pressure, do not manipulate. What they do is give hope, which keeps a person alive and motivates him to wait for the next day.
7. What do you think contributed to your depression?
This is a very soft way to express the thought: “Your marriage is having a completely destructive effect on you, you fool!” or “Don't you think your fellow witch is out there too often? bad mood and bullies you for nothing?” It is better for a person to come to some of his own conclusions, even through the “poke” method. Moreover, in the future this will deprive him of a reason to assign responsibility for Negative consequences some of their actions on you.
8. What time of day is the hardest for you?
This is one of best questions. Most often, depression is especially felt in the morning, upon awakening (“Oh horror, I’m still alive”), and from about three to four o’clock in the afternoon, when the body’s sugar level drops and anxiety levels rise sharply. The person doesn't go into the details of their blues, but simply indicates when they need additional involvement and support.
9. I'm here for you.
It's simple. It's warm. And this immediately means everything that a person needs to hear from you: I care about you, I accept this; I can’t fully understand your condition, but I love and support you.
10. Nothing.
This is perhaps the most difficult thing. Because we are used to filling silence, it frightens us with its apparent emptiness. Frightened by emptiness, we begin to talk about anything, even about the weather. It is also important to be able to listen. When you listen to a person, you take what he gives you, and for a depressed person it is already a lot to give something to someone. Sometimes simply listening carefully to what is being said means more than understanding the content. Because full attention is a priceless thing that can work wonders.
Based on content from Teresa Borchard, sufferer chronic depression and author of the project and book “Beyond the Blues: Escaping Depression and Anxiety and Making the Best of Your Bad Genes.” (Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes)
(http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/beyondblue/)
A man has a grief. A man has lost a loved one. What should I tell him?
Hold on!
The most frequent words, which always come to mind first -
- Be strong!
- Hold on!
- Take heart!
- My condolences!
- Any help?
- Oh, what a horror... Well, hold on.
What else can I say? There is nothing to console us, we will not return the loss. Hold on, friend! It’s also not clear what to do next - either support this topic (what if the person is even more painful from continuing the conversation), or change it to neutral...
These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the lost person did life stop and time stopped, but for the rest - Life is going, How else? It’s scary to hear about our grief, but life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with loss comes the desperate “Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?”
We should be happy!
The second group of valuable advice to the bereaved is much worse than all these endless “hold on!”
- “You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!”
- “Do you know how many infertile women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!”
- “Yes, he finally got over it! How he suffered here and that’s it – he doesn’t suffer anymore!”
I can't be happy. This will be confirmed by anyone who buried a beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Mother Adriana (Malysheva) passed away at 90. She was on the verge of death more than once, all Last year she was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to take her away as soon as possible. All her friends didn't see her that often - a couple of times a year. best case scenario. Most had only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we were orphaned...
Death is not something to be happy about at all.
Death is the most terrible and evil evil.
And Christ defeated it, but for now we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.
By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice in death - he cried when he heard about the death of Lazarus and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.
And “death is gain,” the Apostle Paul said to himself, and not about others, “for ME life is Christ, and death is gain.”
You are strong!
- How he holds up!
- How strong she is!
- You are strong, you endure everything so courageously...
If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry, does not groan or be killed at a funeral, but is calm and smiles, he is not strong. He is still in the most severe phase of stress. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress is passing, and he feels a little better.
There is such an accurate description in Sokolov-Mitrich’s report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:
“Several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives were traveling with us. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance cast doubt on their involvement in the tragedy: they were smiling. And when we had to push the broken bus, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the committee of soldiers’ mothers?” - I asked. “No, we are relatives.”
That evening I met military psychologists from the St. Petersburg military medical academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those killed at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a grief-stricken person is called “unconscious psychological protection" On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, upon entering the cabin, rejoiced like a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly on the plane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very bad.
“We’re going to Sasha Ruzlev... Senior midshipman... 24 years old, second compartment,” after the word “compartment,” the women began to sob. “And this is his father, he lives here, he’s also a submariner, he’s been sailing all his life.” The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. Just don’t ask him anything, please.”
Are there those who hold on well and do not plunge into this black and white world of grief? Don't know. But if a person “holds on,” it means that, most likely, he needs and will continue to need spiritual and psychological support for a long time. The worst may be ahead.
Orthodox arguments
- Thank God you now have a guardian angel in heaven!
- Your daughter is now an angel, hurray, she’s in the Kingdom of Heaven!
- Your wife is now closer to you than ever!
I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend’s daughter. A non-church colleague was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who was burned out from leukemia: “Imagine, she said in such a plastic, harsh voice - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a beautiful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day!”
The thing here is that we, believers, really see that it is not “when” that matters, but “how”. We believe (and this is the only way we live) that sinless children and well-living adults will not lose mercy from the Lord. That it is scary to die without God, but with God nothing is scary. But it's ours, in a sense theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing a loss can himself tell a lot of things that are theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. “Closer than ever” – you don’t feel it, especially at first. Therefore, here I would like to say, “Can everything be as usual, please?”
In the months that have passed since my husband’s death, by the way, I have not heard these “Orthodox consolations” from a single priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how difficult it was, how difficult it was. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world has become black and white. What sorrow. I didn’t hear a single “finally your personal angel has appeared.”
Only a person who has gone through grief can probably say about this. I was told how Mother Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried two of her most beautiful sons within a year - Archpriest Theodore and Bishop Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there.” But only she herself could say that.
Time cures?
Probably, over time, this wound with meat throughout the soul will heal a little. I don't know that yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is nearby, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone goes on with their own lives - how could it be otherwise? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. No. The first weeks are not the most difficult. As I was told a wise man Having experienced a loss, after forty days you only little by little understand what place the departed person occupied in your life and soul. After a month, it stops seeming like you’ll wake up and everything will be as before. That this is just a business trip. You realize that you won’t come back here, that you won’t be here anymore.
It is at this time that you need support, presence, attention, work. And just someone who will listen to you.
There is no way to console. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the deceased. And the Lord can still comfort you.
What can I say?
In fact, it is not so important what you say to a person. What matters is whether you have experience of suffering or not.
Here's the thing. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.
Sympathy- We sympathize with the person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And we, in fact, cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is suitable here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this does not give us the right to say to the mother who buried her son: “I understand you.” If we do not have such experience, then your words will most likely not have any meaning for a person. Even if he listens to you out of politeness, the thought will be in the background: “But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?”
And here empathy- this is when you have compassion for a person and KNOW what he is going through. A mother who has buried a child experiences empathy and compassion, supported by experience, for another mother who has buried a child. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly, here is a living person who also experienced this. Who feels bad, just like me.
Therefore, it is very important to arrange for a person to meet with those who can show empathy towards him. Not an intentional meeting: “But Aunt Masha, she also lost a child!” Unobtrusively. Carefully tell them that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many forums online to support people experiencing loss. On the RuNet there is less, on the English-language Internet there is more - those who have experienced or are experiencing gather there. Being close to them will not ease the pain of loss, but it will support them.
Help good priest who has experience of loss or just a big life experience. You will most likely also need the help of a psychologist.
Pray a lot for the deceased and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. You can also invite the person himself to travel to churches together to serve magpies around him and pray around him and read the psalter.
If you knew the deceased, remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed... Actually, that’s what wakes are for—to remember a person, to talk about him. “Do you remember, one day we met at a bus stop, and you had just returned from your honeymoon”….
Listen a lot, calmly and for a long time. Not comforting. Without encouraging, without asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times. Listen. Just help with the housework, with the children, with chores. Talk about everyday topics. Be near.
P.P.S. If you have experience of how grief and loss are experienced, we will add your advice, stories and help others at least a little.