Hurtful words, reproaches, gossip or nagging - each of us has to deal with them every now and then in everyday life. Alas, the world is imperfect, and even the most good-natured and peace-loving person will always have an envious person or ill-wisher who will try to sting, tease or insult.
Why is this necessary, you ask? Emotional attacks from enemies are always justified. Some try to piss a person off, create confusion in his thoughts and thereby get rid of a competitor. Others simply like to feel superior to their opponent, and therefore, with petty jokes, ridicule and outright rudeness, they try to belittle others. Still others are driven by envy, hatred or resentment. Their injections are the most dangerous, because in their desire for revenge they try to sting as painfully as possible, touch the most delicate strings of the soul, hit self-esteem, trample and humiliate.
By the way, the poisonous arrows of some offenders reach their target, which can seriously affect our perception of the world and cause serious psychological trauma. Our present-day life depends on whether we know how to defend ourselves from negative emotions. mental condition and what we will be like tomorrow, which means that in this bloodless war we simply need reliable psychological protection.
According to psychologists, the ability to protect yourself from the negative emotions of envious people and competitors, to maintain peace of mind in any unpleasant situations and not reacting to offensive attacks in one’s direction is a sign of being mature, emotionally and intellectually developed person. This is a guarantee of health and a sign successful personality, and therefore it’s time for everyone who experiences pressure from others and takes on psychological attacks from ill-wishers to learn about adequate methods of protecting themselves from negativity.
What you need to know about psychological protection
First of all, remember that when a person is irritated or emotionally depressed, he is simply not able to restrain his emotions and react correctly to criticism flying in his direction. But before you absorb this “poison” or try to respond to negativity, you should ask yourself important questions: Why is this happening? Why does a person need this?
Usually, man walking into a psychological attack when he has no other ways to prove that he is right, when he does not have any facts or evidence. In this case, he uses the only effective technique - he tries to piss off the enemy. However, if you have your own stable position and are able to justify your point of view, your opponent will not get the desired effect. Of course, he may begin to use prohibited methods, for example, spreading rumors, turning the team against you, or outright bullying. However, everything is not so hopeless here either. If you are ready to repel the attacks of a weak person who is not able to play by the rules, remaining in the position of an elephant, which is not afraid of any Pug, you will come out of this conflict as a winner. Thus, before getting into a quarrel and trying to respond with negativity to negativity, you need to try to imagine the whole picture of the conflict, assess the dynamics of events, highlight all the contradictions and decide which weapon against the offender will be most effective in a particular case.
8 techniques for psychological defense against negativity
1. Psychological defense technique “Fan”
When a stream is flying towards you negative energy, with scorching, biting words and phrases, do not rush to immediately respond to the offender. Just close your eyes for a minute and analyze everything you hear. What words provoke you to anger, irritation or aggression? Imagine that the person from whom poisonous arrows are flying at you is sitting opposite, and with every word he visually delivers sharp blows. How does this make you feel? Are you feeling empty or feeling hot in your body, getting excited or trying to shrink into a small bug? Now imagine as if a fan was installed between you, the power of which you control through willpower. And as soon as phrases that sting you come out of the offender’s mouth, you mentally increase the air pressure, and offensive words are carried away without reaching you. How have your feelings changed? Did it become easier for you, did you feel that you were able to repel any attacks from an ill-wisher? You can open your eyes. Now you will be completely confident that you are protected.
2. Technique of psychological defense “Kukish”
Remember how, as a child, you showed the offender a cookie, saying: “If you speak to me, you translate it to yourself.” Now you have become old enough not to fall into childhood and not show the fig to every ill-wisher. This is, at the very least, indecent. However, this does not at all prevent you from mentally imagining that you, like in distant childhood, are showing a fig to your opponent, and thereby transferring negativity onto him. And for greater naturalness, you can hide your hand in your pocket, and there you can twist a cookie, pointing it at the offender. He will continue to slander and try to offend you, not yet realizing that his words are now directed against himself.
3. Psychological defense technique “Aquarium”
Communicating with negative person and hearing a stream of abuse from him, just imagine that you have fenced yourself off from him with a thick glass of an aquarium, completely impervious to words. You see the distorted face of the offender, but the flow of his words is absorbed by the water. Offensive words have no effect on you at all, which means you remain calm and unshakable, while your opponent becomes increasingly inflamed and loses balance. Thanks to such a simple but very effective technique, it is sometimes possible to reverse the outcome of even a hopeless conflict. Having noticed at least once how the technique called “Aquarium” works in practice, you will always use it to combat negativity.
4. Psychological defense technique “Kindergarten”
You can minimize the negativity flying at you and repel the painful blows of a person who is unfriendly towards you if you begin to treat him as small child. Well, you won’t be offended by small children, will you? This method is perfect for protecting against bullying when the whole team is against you, and each colleague is trying to sting you more painfully. Just imagine that you are on a playground, where a group of children behave simply disgustingly: the children roar and get angry, act up and stomp their feet. You imagine yourself as an adult who is condescending to the whims of small children, does not react to their antics, but only shakes his head, maintaining imperturbable calm and waiting for the kids to throw out all their anger and calm down. And even if you carry out this psychological technique mentally, if in reality you remain silent, not responding to the barbs of the team, but only smile condescendingly in response, soon your opponents will understand that they have lost, will remain silent, and will no longer use this forbidden technique against you.
5. Psychological defense technique “The Fox and the Grapes”
It’s no secret that the most painful blows we receive are from people close to us - relatives or those whom we considered kindred in spirit. If it happened to you similar story, and a person who was once close to you suddenly moved into the camp of the enemy, becoming, along with ill-wishers, branding and disgracing you, use the defense technique called “The Fox and the Grapes.” Remember how in Krylov’s fable, the fox, who was unable to get the grapes, declared that she didn’t really want the delicacy, grapes, they say, were green and sour. This is what you should do with the offender you trusted. Convince yourself that this person’s opinion is not so important to you, and his support is not so necessary. In general, tell yourself if a person did something to you In a similar way, he’s not that much of a friend to you.
6. Psychological defense technique “Ocean”
We have already considered situations when negativity comes not from one person, but from the entire team. Not everyone can cope with such pressure. You need a powerful visualization of superiority over your opponents in order to find the strength to withstand this pressure with dignity and not allow a single poisonous arrow to penetrate your heart. In such situations, experts recommend using the “Ocean” technique. Imagine that you are an endless ocean into which a huge number of raging rivers flow. All of them flow into the ocean in stormy streams, but it remains calm and motionless. He doesn't even seem to notice their aggressive pressure. So you, listening to the streams of abuse coming from the offenders, remain dispassionate and absolutely calm.
7. Psychological defense technique “Absurd situation”
This psychological technique is to, without waiting open aggression and ridicule from their offenders, “making mountains out of molehills,” that is, exaggerating, bringing any situation to the point of absurdity. Only when you feel ridicule from the aggressor, begin to exaggerate the situation so that all subsequent words cause only laughter and are not taken seriously. By doing this you will simply disarm your opponent, and soon everyone will start laughing at him.
8. Psychological defense technique “Dolls”
Remember the famous TV show by V. Shenderovich “Dolls”, where the author ironically ridiculed politicians, using for this purpose caricatured puppet characters that look like politicians? You can only communicate with people who are trying to hurt you or openly mocking you through the prism of the psychological device “Doll”. Observe your offenders from the outside. This one poses as a specialist, although in fact he has superficial knowledge, and the other tries to pose as a humorist and joker, although he looks for jokes on the Internet every day. Just laugh at the abilities of your offenders and their imaginary superiority over you will immediately dissipate. By the way, if imagining the aggressor as a comical character makes you laugh, this is a sign that the defense is working. I wish you health and psychological stability!
By influencing emotions, we can greatly influence another person. Moreover, almost all types of influence (both honest and not so honest) are built on managing emotions. Threats, or " psychological pressure” (“Either you agree to my terms, or I will work with another company”) is an attempt to cause fear in another; question: “Are you a man or not?” - intended to cause irritation; tempting offers (“Let's have one more?” or “Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?”) - a call of joy and slight excitement. Since emotions are the motivators of our behavior, in order to cause a certain behavior, it is necessary to change the emotional state of another.
This can be done in completely different ways. You can blackmail, declare ultimatums, threaten fines and punishments, show a Kalashnikov assault rifle, remind about your connections in power structures etc. Such types of influence are considered so-called barbaric, that is, violating modern ethical standards and values of society. Barbaric practices include those that are considered “dishonest” or “ugly” by society.
We consider those methods of managing the emotions of others that relate to “honest” or civilized types of influence. That is, they take into account not only my goals, but also the goals of my communication partner.
And here we are immediately faced with a question that we often hear in trainings: is managing the emotions of others manipulation or not? Is it possible to “manipulate” another through their emotional state in order to achieve your goals? And how to do this?
Indeed, very often managing the emotions of other people is associated with manipulation. At various trainings you can often hear the request: “Teach us how to manipulate.” Indeed, manipulation is one of the most strong ways managing the emotions of others. At the same time, oddly enough, it is far from the most effective. Why? Let's remember: efficiency is the ratio of results to costs, and both results and costs are in in this case may relate to actions and emotions.
What is manipulation? It's kind of hidden psychological influence, when the target of the manipulator is unknown.
Thus, firstly, manipulation does not guarantee desired result. Despite the existing idea of manipulation as a great way to get anything from anyone without paying anything, very rare people are able to consciously manipulate in such a way as to get from a person required action. Since the manipulator’s goal is hidden and he does not directly name it, the person being manipulated, under the influence of manipulation, can do something completely different from what was expected of him. After all, everyone’s picture of the world is different. The manipulator builds manipulation based on his picture of the world: “I will do A - and then he will do B.” And the one who is being manipulated acts based on his picture of the world. And it’s not B or C that does it, but even Z. Because in his picture of the world this is the most logical thing that can be done in this situation. You need to know the other person and his thoughts very well in order to plan a manipulation, and even then the result is not guaranteed.
The second aspect is emotional. Manipulation is carried out through changing the emotional state. The manipulator’s task is to evoke an unconscious emotion in you, thus lowering your level of logic and getting you to take the desired action while you are not thinking very well. However, even if he succeeds, after some time the emotional state will stabilize, you will again begin to think logically and at that very moment you will begin to ask the question “What was that?” Nothing special seemed to happen, I talked to an adult smart person... but the feeling that “something is wrong.” As in the joke, “the spoons were found - the sediment remained.” In the same way, any manipulation leaves behind a “sediment.” People who are well acquainted with the concept of “manipulation” can immediately determine that such a psychological impact took place. In a sense, it will be easier for them, since at least they will clearly understand for themselves what happened. People who are not familiar with this concept will continue to walk around with an inarticulate, but very an unpleasant feeling, that “something wrong happened, and what is not clear.” What kind of person will they associate this unpleasant feeling with? With someone who manipulated and left such a “trace” behind. If this happened once, most likely, the price will be limited to what the manipulator receives from his object in “change” (most often unconsciously). Remember, unconscious emotions will always break through to their source. The same is the case with manipulation. The manipulator will pay for the “sediment” in one way or another: for example, he will hear some unexpected nasty things addressed to him or become the object of an offensive joke. If he manipulates regularly, then soon other people will gradually begin to avoid this person. A manipulator has very few people who are willing to maintain close relationships with him: no one wants to constantly be an object of manipulation and walk around with the unpleasant feeling that “something is wrong with this person.”
Thus, manipulation in most cases is an ineffective type of behavior because: a) it does not guarantee results; b) leaves behind an unpleasant “aftertaste” for the object of manipulation and leads to a deterioration in relationships.
From this point of view, manipulating other people to achieve your goals hardly makes sense.
However, in some situations manipulations may well be used. Firstly, these are those manipulations that in some sources are usually called “positive” - that is, this is a type psychological impact, when the manipulator’s goal is still hidden, but he acts not in his own interests, but in the interests of the one he is interested in this moment manipulates. For example, such manipulations can be used by doctors, psychotherapists or friends. Sometimes, when direct and open communication does not help achieve the necessary goals in the interests of another person, such influence can be used. At the same time - attention! - are you sure that In fact act in the interests of another person? That what he will do as a result of your influence will actually benefit him? Remember, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions...”.
Example of positive manipulation
In the film “The Taste of Life”* a child who has lost his parents categorically refuses to eat for a long time, despite all the persuasion of those around him. There is an episode in the film when a girl is sitting in the kitchen of a restaurant. The young chef, knowing that she does not eat, first hangs around her for a while, preparing spaghetti for himself and telling all the nuances of the recipe, and then eats it appetizingly, sitting next to her. At some point, he is asked to go out into the hall to meet clients, and he seems to mechanically thrust a plate of spaghetti into the girl’s hands. After hesitating for a while, she begins to eat...
*"Taste of Life" (English: No Reservations) - romantic comedy of 2007. The film was directed by Scott Hicks from a script by Carol Fuchs, based on the work of Sandra Nettlebeck. This is a remake of the German film "Martha Irresistible". The American version stars Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart, who played a couple of chefs in this film. Note ed.
An example of a controversial positive manipulation
Remember the film “Girls”*, when the quarreling Tosya (Nadezhda Rumyantseva) and Ilya (Nikolai Rybnikov) do not talk to each other for a long time and have almost gone “on principle”. Friends arrange a situation when, during the construction of a house, Tosya has to drag a box of nails to the top floor where Ilya works, because there are “supposedly” not enough of them there. As a result, the heroes make peace.
Why is this manipulation controversial? In fact, reconciliation did not happen simply because the heroes collided in one place thanks to the efforts of friends. If you remember, at first Tosya was very angry when, having dragged a box upstairs, she found Ilya there... and also a whole box of nails. She was about to leave when she caught her clothes on something and thought it was him holding her. Twitching several times and loudly shouting: “Let me go!!!” - She heard him laugh, realized her mistake and began to laugh too. As a result of this joint fun, reconciliation occurred. What would have happened if Tosya hadn’t caught on to anything? She could just leave or, who knows, they would only end up quarreling over this box.
*"Girls" - comedy Feature Film 1961, filmed in the USSR by director Yuri Chulyukin based on the story of the same name by B. Bedny. Note ed.
Manipulation or game?
I have no time to look after. You are attractive. I'm damn attractive. Why waste time in vain... (From the film “An Ordinary Miracle”)
In addition to positive manipulations, there are also manipulations when both parties are interested in continuing the “game” and willingly participate in this process. Almost all of our relationships are permeated with this kind of manipulation, which is most often unconscious. For example, following the idea that “a man must win a woman,” a woman may be flirtatious and shy away from directly agreeing to a date.
An example of such “game” communication is described in the film “What Men Talk About”*. One of the characters complains to another: “But this question is “why.” When I tell her: “Come to my place,” and she: “Why?” What should I say? After all, I don’t have a bowling alley at home! Not a cinema! What should I tell her? “Come to my place, we’ll make love once or twice, it’ll definitely be good for me, maybe for you... and then, of course, you can stay, but it’s better if you leave.” After all, if I say so, she definitely won’t go. Although he understands perfectly well that this is exactly why we are going. And I tell her: “Come to me, I have a wonderful collection of lute music of the 16th century at home.” And this answer completely suits her!”
To which he receives a completely fair question from another character: “No, well, would you like sleeping with a woman to be as easy as... well, I don’t know... shooting a cigarette?..” - “No. I wouldn't want to..."
Not in all cases open and calm behavior, which includes an honest statement of your goals can be most effective. Or at least be pleasant for both sides of the communication.
* “What Men Talk About” is a 2010 Russian film comedy filmed in the road movie genre by the comic theater “Quartet I” based on the play “Conversations of Middle-Aged Men about Women, Cinema and Aluminum Forks.” Note ed.
Managing people also involves a huge amount of manipulation. This is largely due to the fact that the leader for his subordinates is associated with dad or mom, and a lot of child-parent aspects of interaction, including manipulation, are included. Most of these processes occur at an unconscious level, and as long as they do not interfere with work efficiency, you can continue to interact at the same level. Therefore, it is important for a manager to be able to counter manipulation by subordinates. But learning to manipulate is not worth it. We all know how to do this very well, but most often it happens unconsciously.
Since, when controlling the emotions of others, we do not always state our goal (“Now I will calm you down”), in a sense, of course, we can say that this is manipulation. However, in many situations of managing the emotions of others, one's goal can be directly disclosed (“I'm here to reduce your anxiety about upcoming changes” or “I want to help you feel better”); In addition, focusing on the principle of civilized influence, we act not only in our own interests, but also in the interests of others. The following principle tells us this.
The principle of accepting other people's emotions
The very recognition of another person’s right to emotions makes it possible to abstract from them and work with what lies behind the emotions. Understanding that emotion is a reaction to YOUR action or inaction, makes it possible to manage any situation while maintaining a constructive dialogue.
Just like with our emotions, in order to effectively manage other people's emotions, it is important for us to accept the other person's emotions. Agree, it will be quite difficult to remain calm and help someone else calm down when he is yelling at you if you are firmly convinced that “you should never yell at me.”
To make it easier for you to accept another person's emotional state, it makes sense to remember two simple ideas:
1. If another person behaves “inappropriately” (yelling, screaming, crying), this means that he is now very bad.
How do you think a person who acts “very emotional” feels? For example, yelling? This is a rare case when we ask not about a specific emotion, but about a choice from categories
"good or bad".
Yes, he feels great!
Indeed, it often seems to us that there are people in the world who get pleasure when they yell (this, by the way, really prevents us from interacting constructively with aggressive personalities). Let's think about it. Remember yourself, those situations when you exploded, shouted at the people around you, said hurtful words to someone. Did you have a good time?
Most likely no. So why should another person feel good?
And even if we assume that a person gets pleasure from shouting and humiliating others, is he generally good, as they say, “in life”? Hardly. Happy people, completely satisfied with themselves, do not take it out on others.
Especially if he does not scream, but cries. Then it is obvious that he does not feel very well.
The key idea that very often helps to interact with a person who is in a strong emotional state is to realize and accept the fact that he is feeling bad. He's poor. It's difficult for him. Even if outwardly he looks intimidating.
And since it’s difficult and hard for him, it’s worth sympathizing with him. If you manage to sincerely sympathize with the aggressor, then the fear goes away. It is difficult to be afraid of a poor and unhappy person.
2. Intention and action are different things. Just because a person hurts you with their behavior doesn't mean they really want it.
We have already discussed this idea in detail in the chapter on awareness of the emotions of others. And yet now it would be useful to remind her. It is much more difficult to perceive someone else's emotional state if we suspect the other person of “purposely” making me angry.
Exercise “Accepting the emotions of others”
To learn to accept the expressions of others' emotions, explore what emotions you refuse to show to other people. To do this, continue with the following sentences (referring to other people's expressions of emotion):
- You should never show...
- You can't allow yourself...
- It's outrageous when...
- Indecent...
- It pisses me off when other people...
Look what you got. Most likely, those emotions that you do not allow others to show, you do not really allow yourself. Might be worth looking socially acceptable ways manifestations of these emotions?
For example, if you are very annoyed when another person raises his voice, most likely you yourself do not allow yourself to use this method of influence and devote a lot of effort to speaking calmly even under strong emotional stress. No wonder you are annoyed by people who allow themselves to act this way. Think about it, maybe there will be situations when you can consciously raise your voice a little, “bark at them.” When we allow ourselves to engage in behavior, it usually does not irritate us in other people either.
Skeptical training participant: So you're suggesting that I now yell at everyone and cackle like an idiot at every joke?
Our proposal is to look for opportunities for socially acceptable manifestations of emotions in some situations does not mean at all that you now need to throw away all control and start behaving inappropriately. It's worth looking for situations where you can experiment with expressing emotions in a fairly safe environment.
In relation to other people, it is worth reformulating your irrational attitudes by adding permission to express emotions into these statements and rewriting them, for example: “I don’t like it when other people raise their voices at me, and at the same time I understand that sometimes other people can lose control over yourself." Such reformulations will help you feel more calm when the person next to you shows his emotions quite violently, which means it will be easier for you to manage his condition.
Common mistakes when managing the emotions of others
1. Underestimating the significance of an emotion, trying to convince that the problem is not worth such emotions.
Typical phrases: “Come on, why be upset, all this is nonsense”, “In a year you won’t even remember about this”, “Yes, compared to Masha, everything is in chocolate, why are you whining?”, “Stop it, he it’s not worth it”, “I’d like your problems”, etc.
What reaction does this assessment of the situation by another person cause? Irritation and resentment, the feeling that “they don’t understand me” (very often this is the answer: “You don’t understand anything!”). Does such argumentation help to reduce emotional stress partner? No no and one more time no!
When a person experiences strong emotions, no argumentation works (because he has no logic at the moment). Even if, in your opinion, the difficulties of your interlocutor objectively cannot be compared with Masha’s torment, now he is not able to understand this.
“I don’t care about any Mash. Because I feel bad now! And no one in the world has ever felt as bad as I do now! Therefore, any attempts to downplay the significance of my problem will cause me the strongest resistance.
Maybe later, when I come to my senses, I will agree that the problem was nonsense... But this will be later, when the ability to think sensibly returns to me. I don’t have it yet.”
2. An attempt to force a person to immediately stop experiencing an emotion (as an option, immediately give advice and offer a solution to the problem).
Typical phrases: “Well, stop being sour!”, “Let’s go and have fun?”, “I should go somewhere, or something!”, “What is there to be afraid of?”, “Come on, stop being nervous, it will only hinder you,” “What are you so angry? Please speak calmly,” etc.
When a person next to us feels “bad” (sad or very worried), what emotion do we experience?
We can be upset and angry if someone has offended a loved one, but the most primary emotion is fear. “What will happen to him next? How long will this bad mood last? What does all this mean for me? Or maybe I myself am to blame for his bad mood? Maybe his attitude towards me has changed? Maybe it’s something he doesn’t like about me?”
What if a person experiences strong emotions? For example, he screams very loudly or cries bitterly. How does the one who is next to him feel? Again, fear, sometimes even reaching panic horror. “What should I do about this? Horrible! How long will this be with him? I don't know what to do in such situations. I can't control this situation! What if things get worse next?..”
It is not so important what the reason for this fear is: most of us are afraid of the manifestation of other people's emotions. And a person strives to get rid of fear as quickly as possible. How to get rid of this fear? Remove the source of fear, that is, those very alien emotions. How to do this?
The first thing that unconsciously comes to mind is “let him stop doing this, then I will stop being afraid.” And we begin, in one form or another, to call on a person to “calm down” and become “joyful” or “calm.” Which for some reason doesn't help. Why? Even if the other person understands that he really should do something about his emotional state (which is quite rare), he is not aware of his emotions and cannot figure out how to manage them, since he lacks logic. What he needs most now is to be accepted with all his emotions. If we try to quickly calm him down, the person understands that he is “stressing” us with his condition and seeks to suppress it. If this happens often, in the future the person will generally prefer to hide any of his “negative” emotions from us. And then we are surprised: “Why don’t you tell me anything?..”
Another idea is to immediately solve his problem, then he will stop experiencing the emotion that bothers me so much. My logic works, now I’ll solve everything for him! But for some reason the other person doesn’t want to take my recommendations into account. At the very least, he cannot understand my brilliant ideas for the same reason - there is no logic. He can't solve the problem now. The most important thing for him now is his emotional state.
3. For a person who has had something happen, it is first of all important to speak out and get support. After this, perhaps, with your help, he will become aware of his emotions, use some method of managing them... he will feel better, and he will find a solution to the problem.
But that's all later. First, it is important for him to gain your understanding.
Quadrant of Managing the Emotions of Others
We can distinguish methods that work to reduce emotions that are inadequate to the situation (conditionally negative), and methods that allow one to induce or enhance the desired emotional state (conditionally positive). Some of them can be applied directly during the situation (online methods), and some relate to strategic methods of working with the background of mood and psychological climate(offline methods).
If, when managing their emotions, people are often interested in reducing negative emotions, then when it comes to managing the emotions of others, the need to evoke and strengthen the desired emotional state comes to the fore - after all, it is through this that leadership is exercised (no matter at work or in a friendly circle).
If you look at the right column, you will see in it rather possible management influences to influence the emotional climate in the team. However, if you want to improve your emotional background not at work, but at home, we think you won’t have to a lot of work transfer the method from work situations to home situations. For example, you can form a team from own family, and not just from employees.
| Online methods | Offline methods | |
| Reducing the intensity of “negative” emotions | "We're putting out the fire". Helping others become aware of their emotional state Using express methods for managing emotions Techniques for managing other people's situational emotions |
“We are creating a fire prevention system” Formation of team spirit and conflict management Constructive feedback High-quality implementation of changes |
| Increasing the intensity of “positive” emotions | "Let's light the spark" Contagion by emotions Self-tuning rituals Motivational Speech "Drive Duty" |
"Keeping the fire burning" Maintaining a positive balance in the “emotional account” System creation emotional motivation Faith in employees Praise Implementation emotional competence In the organisation |
"We're putting out the fire" - quick methods reducing other people's emotional stress
If we can help another become aware of their emotional state, their level of logic will begin to return to normal and their stress level will begin to decrease. At the same time, it is important not to point out to the other that he is in a strong emotional state (this may be perceived as an accusation), but rather to remind him that there are emotions. For this you can use any verbal methods understanding the emotions of others from chapter three. Questions like “How are you feeling now?” or empathic statements (“You seem a little angry right now”) can be used not only to become aware of the emotions of others, but also to manage them.
Our empathy and recognition of another's emotions, expressed in the phrases: “Oooh, that must have been really hurtful” or “You're still angry at him, right?” - make someone else feel better. Much better than if we give “smart” advice. Such statements give a person the feeling that he is understood - and in a situation strong emotions this is perhaps the most important thing.
It is especially important to learn to recognize the emotions of others in this way in business communication. If a client or partner complains to us about a problem, we frantically begin to think about how to solve it. This, of course, is also important. Although at first it is better to say something like: “This is very unpleasant situation", "You must be very worried about what happened" or "That would be annoying to anyone." An upset or frightened client will almost never hear such words from anyone. But in vain. Because such statements, among other things, also provide an opportunity to demonstrate to the client that for us he is a person, and not someone impersonal. When we as clients demand " human relationship“, we want our emotions to be acknowledged.
Using express methods for managing emotions
If the other person's level of trust in you is high enough and he is in a state where he is ready to listen to your recommendations, you can try emotion management techniques with him. This can only work if you are not the cause of his emotional state! It is clear that if he is angry with you, and you offer him to breathe, he is unlikely to follow your recommendation. However, if he is angry with someone else, and he rushes to tell you how it happened, you can use the techniques you know. It is better to do them together, for example, take a deep breath and exhale slowly together. In this way, we engage the mirror neurons of the other, and there is a high probability that he will do what we show him. If you simply say: “Breathe,” a person will most often automatically answer: “Yeah,” and continue his story.
If there is no way to tell him about this (for example, you are giving a presentation together and you see that your partner has started talking very quickly out of excitement), then focus on your own breathing and start breathing slower... even slower... Unconsciously your partner (if you are close enough from him) will begin to do the same. Verified. Mirror neurons work.
Techniques for managing other people's situational emotions
Anger management
If too many people are chasing you, ask them in detail why they are upset, try to console everyone, give everyone advice, but there is absolutely no point in reducing your speed. (Grigory Oster, “Bad Advice”)
Aggression is a very energy-intensive emotion; it is not for nothing that after its outburst people often feel empty. Without receiving external recharge, aggression dies out very quickly, just as a fire cannot burn if there is no wood left. Nothing like that, would you say? This is because people, without noticing it themselves, periodically add firewood to the firebox. One sloppy phrase, one extra movement - and the fire happily flares up with fresh strength, having received new food. All our actions in managing someone else’s aggression can be divided into such “poles” that kindle the fire of emotions, and “ladles of water” that extinguish it.
| "Poleski" (what people often want to do when faced with someone else’s aggression, and what actually increases its level) | « Ladles" (which makes sense to do if you really want to reduce the level of other people's aggression) |
| Interrupt, stop the flow of accusations | Let me talk |
| Say: “Calm down”, “What are you allowing yourself to do?”, “Stop talking to me in such a tone”, “Behave decently”, etc. | Use techniques to verbalize feelings |
| Raise your tone in response, use aggressive or defensive gestures | Keep non-verbal communication under control: speak with a calm intonation and gestures |
| Deny your guilt, object, explain that your interaction partner is wrong; say no | Find something you can agree with and do it; say yes |
| Make excuses or promise to fix everything immediately | Calmly agree that an unpleasant situation occurred without going into explanation of the reasons |
| Reduce the significance of the problem: “Come on, nothing bad happened,” “Why are you so nervous?” etc. | Recognize the significance of the problem |
| Speak in a dry, formal tone | Show sympathy |
| Use retaliatory aggression: “And you yourself?!”, sarcasm | Show your sympathy again |
Please note what “ladles” are. These are techniques that work if you really want to reduce the level of other people's aggression. There are situations when, faced with someone else’s aggression, people want something else: to hurt an interaction partner, to “revenge something”; prove yourself “strong” (read “aggressive”); and finally, just scandalize for your own pleasure. Then, please, for your attention - the list from the left column.
One of our friends was going through a period of unpleasant dismissal from the company. In one of latest conversations with the head of the personnel department, she persistently reminded him what rights she had under the law. The boss snapped: “Don’t be smart!” After some time, he answered one of her questions: “Don’t be stupid!” Then, with an emphatically polite intonation and a sweet smile, she sang back to him: “Do I understand you correctly, are you suggesting that I should not be smart and stupid at the same time?..” Which made the boss fly into complete rage.
Here, as in most other cases of managing emotions, the principle of goal setting comes into force. What do I want in this situation? What price will I pay for this? It is not always necessary to reduce the intensity of someone else’s anger: each of us has probably encountered situations where there is only one response to open and undisguised aggression. the right way reactions - show similar aggression in response.
In this section, we are referring to situations where you are interested in maintaining a good relationship with an interaction partner: this could be a loved one, a client, a business partner, or a manager. Then it is important for you to put your interaction on a constructive track. This is what the “ladles” contribute to, each of which we will now consider separately. We will not consider “Poleshki” in detail: we believe that each of the readers understands and is familiar with what we are talking about.
“Do you want to talk about this?”, or the “ZMK” Technique.
The main, basic and greatest technique for managing other people's negative emotions is to let them speak out. What does it mean to “let someone talk”? This means at the moment when you decided that the person had already told you everything he could... he spoke out in best case scenario by a third. Therefore, in a situation where another person is experiencing a strong emotion (not necessarily aggression, it can also be violent joy), use the ZMK technique, which means: “Shut up - Be silent - Nod.”
Why do we use such a rather harsh wording - “Shut up”? The fact is that for most people, even in a normal situation, it is difficult to silently listen to everything that another person wanted to tell us. At least just to listen - not to hear. And in a situation where another person not only expresses his thought, but expresses it emotionally (or Very emotionally), almost no one can listen to him calmly. People are usually afraid of violent manifestations of emotions on the part of others and try in every way to calm them down or at least partially restrain the manifestation of emotions. And most often this manifests itself in interrupting the other person. In a situation of aggression, this is further aggravated by the fact that the person at whom the irritation is directed experiences sufficient strong fear. This is normal and natural for anyone, especially if the aggression turned out to be sudden and unexpected (the partner did not gradually boil over, but, for example, immediately flew into the room already enraged). This fear forces you to defend yourself, that is, immediately begin to make excuses or explain why the accuser is wrong. Naturally, we begin to interrupt the other. It seems to us that now I will quickly explain why I am not guilty, and he will stop yelling at me.
At the same time, imagine a person who is very excited and who, in addition, is interrupted. That's why we use the word "Shut up", that is, make an effort - sometimes great effort, - but let him say whatever he wants.
Skeptical training participant: If I listen to him and remain silent, then he will scream until the morning!
Yes, it often seems to us that if we shut up and let a person talk and talk, this process will continue endlessly. Especially if he is very angry. In this case, the opposite happens: a person physically cannot yell for a long time (unless someone from the outside feeds him with energy for aggression through his actions). If you let him speak freely and at the same time listen sympathetically, then after a few minutes he will become exhausted and begin to talk in a calm tone. Check it out. You just need to be silent a little.
So, the most important thing in technology is contained in the first word. But the last thing is also important - “Nod” (there is also a variant of the ZMKU technique, namely: “Shut up - Be silent - Nod and “Ughkay”)). We still sometimes freeze out of fear, like rabbits in front of a boa constrictor. We look at the aggressor with an unblinking gaze and do not move. Then he doesn’t understand whether we are even listening to him or not. Therefore, it is important not just to remain silent, but to actively show that we are also listening very, very carefully.
© Shabanov S., Aleshina A. Emotional intellect. Russian practice. - M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2013.© Published with permission from the publisher
How to humiliate a person with clever words is a question that interests many. After all, you really want to put the impudent person in his place so that he himself becomes the subject of ridicule.
How and with what words can you humiliate a person?
Under no circumstances should you become like your opponent. Therefore you should not use rude words and curses.
Swearing is also categorically unacceptable. A witty answer will help a woman emerge victorious from a verbal skirmish. And if you can’t come up with anything right away, then it makes sense to memorize a couple of dozen phrases specifically for such cases.
How to competently humiliate and crush a person with words?
However great importance matters not only what you say, but also how you say it. A voice that breaks into a scream and a snarling intonation are unacceptable for a self-confident woman. And this is exactly how you should look in front of your offender. Those who do not know how to morally humiliate a person with clever words should keep in mind that they need to speak calmly and derogatorily. It would also be appropriate to include irony or even vivid sarcasm.
How to humiliate a person with clever words: phrases for example
To learn how to humiliate a person morally with words, it’s worth adding a few smart and apt phrases to your personal vocabulary. For example, like this:
- oh, are you still in the same position? Well, 35 (40.45) years is not old, you can still plow and plow;
- have you read this book? Wow! It must have been hard, considering your intellect;
- and I would like to offend you, but nature has already done everything for me;
- It seems to me that you want to offend me? Well, you are unlikely to succeed, because for this you need to say something really smart;
- you remind me of the sea - you also make me sick;
- your wit has become rather dull;
- oh, so you were joking or what? Well, keep going, keep going...
- you need to seriously reconsider your diet; fish, for example, is good for your intellect, but you clearly don’t have enough of it.
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Good day. Today I want to talk about how to get rid of a person who is boring you or makes you uncomfortable. Very often it happens when someone strongly touches you with their words, tries to “stick to you”, to hook you. The only thing I don’t understand, honestly, I put myself in the place of such people and I don’t understand why this needs to be done, why it is necessary, for example, to tell a girl that her clothing style is ugly, because she won’t fix anything from their opinion, it’s her is not interested, and perhaps she does not have the opportunity to dress differently. Putting myself in the place of such “clingy” people :) I realize that I especially hate those people who, in my opinion, are superior to me in something, I look for their shortcomings in order to put myself in a better position in my own eyes. highest level and thereby I myself sink lower.
In general, this is not what this topic is about, but it also concerns it.
I would like to help people who do not have conflicts, who listen to criticism in silence and then torment themselves with thoughts about what the “hooks” told them. The first thing you need to understand is that the person who makes a malicious remark to you or clings to you is a person who cares about you. A caring person is not necessarily a person who likes you, no, it’s most often the other way around.
This person feels that you are higher than him at the stage of development, and he is nothing. This is the honest truth, not self-conviction. Think about it and laugh at such people. Secondly, this is probably not the first time that a certain “catch” has clung to you. Calculate its shortcomings, it’s easy, observe. EVERY person has flaws! Look for what he will never be able to correct in himself. This really hurts. And thirdly, if communication drags on into a long conflict. Don’t shout or call him names, don’t insult him, agree, it’s very infuriating when a person doesn’t resist, but at the moment when you agree, try to offend him so as not to speak directly, but with light hints. I promise, the effect will be amazing;)
Sincerely, Anna Zavodnaya (c)
Morphological analysis of words online
Enter a word or sentence and get morphological analysis indicating the part of speech, case, gender, tense, etc.
Initial form
: FURIOUS
Part of speech: noun
Grammar: singular, Nominative case, masculine, animate, surname
Forms: enraged, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated
Initial form: RIP
Part of speech: participle
Grammar: singular, nominative case, masculine, inanimate, imperfect species, animate, intransitive, past tense, passive voice
Forms: infuriate, infuriate, infuriate, infuriate, infuriate, infuriate, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, enraged, enraged, enraged, infuriated, enraged, infuriated, infuriated, drawer , enraged, enraged, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, , I'll infuriate , infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated, infuriated mad
Part of speech: noun
Grammar: singular, nominative, masculine, animate
Forms: person, person, person, person, person, people, people, people, people, people, people, people, people
Why do we feel sad, panic, experience depression, lose energy and zest for life? Our mind can find a lot of reasons for these negative states- from weather changes, rising prices and job loss to PMS* and the notorious “getting off on the wrong foot.” But are these unpleasant events real reasons our worries? Or are they just triggers that launch certain processes within our BODY-MIND system, which in turn leads to changes at the emotional level? If this is so, then there is hope to deceive the program and not fall into an emotional hole when not the best times come.
The secret of the new approach is quite simple: you just need to accurately identify the harmful emotion when it comes, and express it 100%, without procrastinating. Then your system will quickly free itself from negative energy and make it possible for something new to be born within you - positive, living and creative. The only important thing is to do this in a safe environment where you will not cause physical or emotional harm to anyone - at home alone or in an emotion work class. By practicing this approach, you stop being afraid of the onset of sad events, failures and setbacks, but simply live and enjoy life, going through your experiences and boldly meeting completely different situations. Sounds tempting, right? What a relief it is to be able to stop reining in your racing mind, convincing yourself everything is fine, resorting to tranquilizers, or pretending you're strong and don't care! You just need to find the time and space where you can face what is really happening to you and let it out.
Osho, the 20th century Indian mystic, noted that living in an environment of constant control and tension, modern man literally stuffs himself with emotions, just like a butcher stuffs sausage, and then tries to move and even fly on this sausage. The problem is that the sausage does not have wheels or wings, and even if it did, it would definitely take you in the wrong direction. Until you release all the contents from the sausage, you will not be able to take off under any circumstances. No asana, no mantra, no enlightened masters will not help - you yourself will have to take yourself to a certain place and lead yourself to where they scream and kick. And this is almost 50% of success, since the energies of other people will create a field in which it will be much easier to find you and express what is suppressed inside. You can carry out such an operation alone, but it is better when you gain some experience and working with emotions becomes a daily cleansing procedure for you.
It may be difficult to agree with what we are talking about right away - after all, the mind has been conditioned for centuries to fight feelings and emotions, and just the thought of giving emotions freedom makes it feel nauseous and dizzy. By the way, these are not uncommon symptoms for those who begin to practice emotional release techniques - after all, we are all early childhood literally poisoned by other people's ideas about life, conditioning, expectations and anxieties. A child’s natural reactions to the limitations of his energy - anger, rebellion, despair - are usually harshly suppressed by those around him, and these emotions, being unexpressed, go deep into the subconscious. From here, in adulthood, there is often a feeling of constant anxiety, tension and irritability without real access to genuine anger or rage. Only a small fragment of the trunk is shown outside, while its owner - a huge elephant - is fast asleep in the darkness of the unconscious.
If you're willing to take the plunge and pull it all out, you'll have to put aside any notion that emotions can be dealt with through observation, analysis, or even enlightenment. It may be possible, but much later, when the light of consciousness can easily penetrate into the deep layers of our psyche - for this to happen, you must first thoroughly clean the rubble and remove the mountains of accumulated garbage from there. The most effective tool in this regard is Osho Dynamic Meditation - a generous gift made by the Indian mystic to modern humanity. It's deep scientific technology, which Osho developed and honed for many years - this is probably the secret of its powerful transformative effect.
Dynamic meditation is done early in the morning on an empty stomach and consists of five stages of varying duration. The whole process takes one hour and is accompanied by special music that helps during the practice process. The most important elements The dynamics are intense breathing, catharsis (expression of emotions), raising energy through jumping, silence and dance.
The most controversial and fearful thing for beginners to practice is the second stage of dynamics, associated with the direct expression of repressed emotions - people worry that a barrage of pain or anger will overwhelm them and literally drive them crazy. Osho said about this: “When the body is absolutely not subject to suppression, then all the constrictions that have accumulated throughout your life are thrown out. This is called catharsis. A person going through catharsis can never go crazy; this is impossible. And if a madman could be forced to do this, he would become normal. The person who has gone through this process has gone beyond madness: the potential seed has been killed, it has been burned during this catharsis.”
Even just one practice of Osho's dynamic meditation can trigger a process of profound change within you, not to mention the transformation that can occur if practiced for a month or two. The secret of success is to put aside your skeptic mind and perform the technique 100% - then changes will not be long in coming. Almost all practitioners of dynamic meditation note that they become calmer, more centered, resistant to stress and changes in life, more joyful and satisfied. Thanks to being strong negative emotions released in a safe environment, relationships with others become more peaceful, loving and creative. It is clear that this practice requires consistency - ten minutes allotted for catharsis is not enough to fully express the anger, pain or tension that has accumulated inside over many years of suppressing any manifestations of vitality within oneself. Osho considered socialization and education to be the main culprits emotional problems people in the modern world:
“Our civilization taught us to suppress ourselves, to keep everything to ourselves, so all this goes into the subconscious and becomes integral part souls and destroys our entire being. Any manifestation that is suppressed becomes a potential seed of madness. This must be destroyed. How more people becomes civilized, the more likely he is to become crazy. Only one who has undergone catharsis can enter into meditation. You must be completely clean; all rubbish must be thrown away."
To better clear internal blockages and deepen the practice of dynamic meditation, you can use a battery of techniques that will help relieve the burden of suppressed emotions. AUM meditation, jibberish (gibberish), laughter meditation, Osho meditation therapies (Mystical Rose, Out-of-Mind, Born Again), pillow beating, catharsis on your back and many many others will certainly give an outlet to your negative energy and free up inner space for something - something completely new.
For example, the “enemy-friend-trainer” technique, which we often practice at seminars “ Emotional Freedom", is an excellent remedy for such liberation. Short description The technique is this: you remember one person in your life with whom you still have strong emotions. This could be someone from your present - a friend, partner, husband, wife, colleague, boss - or from the past - mother, father, teacher, relative, etc. The main thing is that you are still connected with this person by a thread of unexpressed strong emotions and feelings. You tell your exercise partners about this person, describing him and the situation as a whole in as much detail as possible. The next step is to choose one of the participants to play the role of this important person for you, and the task of this partner is to play his role as fully as possible, provoking you and helping you to express the remaining negativity, pain or disappointment as fully as possible. Two other participants help you in the roles of friend and coach, keeping the process alive until all emotions have been expressed. At the end of the exercise, you lie down relaxed and take easy loving massage from your partners to calm, soothing music, giving the awakened energies the opportunity to settle inside...
After this powerful exercise, many long-standing topics disappear from your emotional memory forever, no longer pushing you into impulsive actions and rash actions in relation to people close to you. Paradoxically, you can practice many cathartic techniques at home, without fear that vigilant neighbors will call the police for help. For this, there is a variant of “quiet” dynamics or silent catharsis: you express all emotions through facial expressions and body movements, without making heartbreaking sounds. You can grimace, make scary faces, take the most unimaginable poses, kick your legs and arms in the air - the main thing is to move intensely for 10-20 minutes, while remaining in contact with what emotions and feelings are rising inside you. This method is sometimes even more effective than the “loud” version, and can bring deep liberation from emotional burden.
Essentially, any techniques and tools that can help clear up your inner sky from the storm clouds and let the sun of your soul shine are worth starting to practice. After all, only when we free ourselves from everything unnecessary, which literally shields us from ourselves, only then can we become those beautiful, open, loving, full of energy and the beauty of the creatures we came to this earth with. Isn't this a reason to try?
*PMS is premenstrual syndrome, a state of increased nervousness that affects many women
Quotes from Osho's book "The Great Challenge"
Emotional dependence on a person or situation can significantly ruin your life. How to let go and move on with your life?
We often feel dependent on people. And we are not talking about financial dependence or the impossibility of physical existence without a certain personality. We are talking about emotional dependence on a person whose importance for us is overestimated. As a rule, these are the people in whom we invested own feelings throughout the entire period of communication.
Emotional dependence arises on the foundation of phrases like “He is everything to me”, “I live for him”, “I can’t live without his approval” and at the moment when the edge of one’s “I” is overcome, and “I” has firmly turned into “We” "
In other words, emotional dependence in relationships between people is the loss of one’s own independence due to the “investment” of emotions in another person.
How does this relationship model manifest itself? Typically, the dependent subject:
- suffers due to the inability to influence the object of his dependence, or due to his lack of availability;
- feels that the likelihood of getting rid of such addiction is extremely small;
- realizes that the presence of emotional dependence in a relationship has a terrible impact on other aspects of life, etc.
These are just a few illustrative examples. In real life there can be much more. One of the most common models is love addiction. Psychologists note that it can manifest itself not only in relation to a partner with whom the subject maintains a relationship, but also to a partner with whom communication has long been terminated (but at the same time dependent person cannot “let go” of his soulmate). By the way, a little more psychology: love addiction can also be associated with the desire for love itself - the so-called erotomania.
There are many types of such emotional dependencies.
Starting from the emotional attachment of an already matured child to his mother and ending with dependence on a person who has passed on to another world, or on a situation that has developed in the past. But how can you get rid of emotional dependence and start living freely again?
For this purpose, there is a method of therapy, the goal of which is to transition a person from a dependent state to a fully independent state. In the future, it is even possible to achieve a level of interdependence. The last definition is mutual desired state, which implies the need of one person for another without a sense of oppression and limiting framework.
How to get rid of emotional dependence?
Try to work through and analyze one of several situations discussed below. These situations, taken from real sessions of emotional-imagery therapy, open our eyes to the whole nature and all the mechanisms of occurrence of such problems.
Blue Ball Technique
This is a clear illustration of how our psyche can work. It's about about a student who had an unhappy love experience. She was madly in love with a man with whom the relationship was completely broken. However, she could not manage to “let go” of her boyfriend. The girl lived mechanically, without enthusiasm, thinking every day about the object of her own addiction.
A seemingly simple exercise helped her. The essence of the method was the following - to imagine the person on whom you depend in the form of some object located opposite you. Let's say it could be a big balloon of blue color. When asked to “throw away” this ball, the girl said that she could not do this, since it belonged to her. But at the same time, she really wanted to get rid of the blue ball.
As a result, the student was offered two specific options for the development of events:
- Throw out the blue ball and forget about its existence;
- Take the ball into yourself, making it part of your own personality.
At first the girl refused both options. But as a result of much thought, she decided not to put the ball anywhere, but to mentally “dissolve” it in herself. Oddly enough, accepting this simple image into her own heart helped her retain the full spectrum tender feelings to the guy, but stop experiencing suffering. Now, having imagined the image of himself young man, the girl was able to let him go and sincerely wish him happiness.
And initially, the reason for everything was the student’s inability to throw away her own heart and her own investments in another person - that very “blue ball” that she so diligently tried to throw away. When she accepted the whole situation, she managed to get rid of emotional dependence on the guy himself.
"Bouquet of flowers"
This method was successfully worked with a man whose wife had left him. After which he successfully married, but was never able to let go of his first lover. The reason here again was the investment made in the first wife during for long years marriage. The man was asked to visualize the emotional investment itself, which he described as a bouquet of flowers.
The doctor asked the man to take this image into himself, into his body. The man said that the bouquet entered his chest and seemed to replenish the wasted energy. When asked to imagine his first wife in front of him and ask her to leave, the man was easily able to do this, although before the bouquet appeared in the game he had not been able to do this at all. As we see, here again a significant role is played by one’s own emotional investments that a person “puts” into the object of his addiction. If you can convincingly return them to yourself as some kind of visual image, everything falls into place and the addiction simply goes away.
"Merging with Mother"
This is an example of an exercise that helped one adult daughter get rid of destructive emotional dependence on the mother. Despite the fact that the woman already had a separate life and her own children, she still felt attached to her mother - dependence on her life and worldview. Realizing that in similar relationships something wasn't right, she went to see a therapist.
As therapy helped to find out, the woman mentally merged with her mother in childhood, becoming completely dependent on her. Now, through the techniques already described above, the woman was able to mentally return her heart to her own body. That is, get your own investment back. This helped her to thoroughly realize that her and her mother’s lives were separate lives. independent people with your own views, rules and mistakes.
How to get rid of emotional dependence: finally
The described techniques of emotional-imaginative therapy are simple methods that will help achieve tremendous results. Of course, it is most effective to use them under the guidance of a specialist. However, you can apply these techniques yourself. All you need is a little imagination and a sincere desire to free yourself from emotional dependence on other people. These principles also apply to situations from the past that “hold” you, which do not allow you to free your mind and confidently develop further, having fun.