Why open anger is better than passive aggression. How to get rid of discomfort after communication? What is Aggression

Aggression (lat. aggressio) – attack. Even without knowing this translation, the vast majority of people will tell you that aggression is bad! And what sane person would say: “good” if a child fights with peers, breaks toys, tortures animals?

But psychologists say that this feeling is natural and useful for a child!
Many parents were upset when, having bought a toy for their child (especially if the toy was electronic or expensive), two hours later they found it broken: “Aggressor!” But this is how you look at it: what if this is a young engineer who has decided to find out what’s inside, how it all works? This is why I had to break the toy. In this case, the child should not be scolded, but praised. But are we capable of this?

Of course, this only applies to those cases when a child carefully examines and examines a broken toy. If he gets angry, swears, fights, parents should be wary and, after observing him, consult a doctor, because there is an obvious problem here
Parents of little aggressors often ask questions: “Why? Who is he like? Why doesn’t he solve anything peacefully, without the help of fists?” Doctors believe that there are three types of reasons why this happens.

Biological reasons
Aggression, like many character traits, is inherited. And it is absolutely not necessary in a straight line (from father to son, daughter from mother). These may be distant relatives or ancestors that we may not remember, much less know about their character traits. Naturally, our ancestors not only spoil our genes by rewarding us with negative qualities: laziness, aggression or absent-mindedness, but sometimes they also improve them by giving their descendants musical or mathematical abilities, the ability to sculpt, draw, write. At the same time, we cannot blame only genes for aggression. Science has proven that the environment can teach a child aggression faster than the genes of his ancestors.

Example of parents
We don’t follow the words, especially if the child is “pissed off”: “Rubbish, if I hear you swearing, I’ll put you in the corner!” Or I’ll tear it out “like Sidorov’s goat!” These are the most “innocent” expressions that we use when we are angry with our child. We forgot that the child did not turn a deaf ear to our “innocent” expressions! And he will not forget to use them on occasion when playing with his toys. Angry at his dolls and bears, the child will definitely use our words and the punishment to which his parents subjected him.

But, if loving parents do not allow rude words and actions towards the child, they forget that the little person is not yet able to decide for himself what is good and what is bad, and he is trying to find out through them. But try to come to a conclusion: is it good to fight or not if your parents forbid you to fight, but immediately advise you to fight back?! They strongly convince you that “kindness (the best quality) will save the world,” and then they watch the action movie with delight, admiring the hero who “crushes” everyone left and right. What conclusion will the child draw? That's right: that in this life you need to be aggressive!

Frustration
Frustration is the dissatisfaction of desires. As we understand, both adults and children suffer from this. We have all experienced this condition at one time or another. The child uses aggressive behavior to try to get what he wants from others. And by giving in, we push the child to make such behavior the norm.

Internal discomfort
A small child, when his stomach hurts, is tired or wants to eat, does not understand what is happening to him - he gets angry and can show aggression: fight, bite, be capricious. For an older child, the reason may be indifference or condemnation of adults. Parents exclaiming in their hearts: “All children are like children, and it’s unclear what you were born into: a brawler and a brute?!”, They do not even suspect what trauma they inflicted on the child with their intemperance. From their words, the kid drew a disappointing conclusion: “Mom and dad don’t need me, because I’m not like everyone else, I’m bad!” Having come to such a terrible conclusion, the child worries, and then tries to prove with his aggression that he is exactly what he is imagined to be!

For each age, there are certain techniques that help parents who want to help their child cope with “bad” aggression, manage it and, ultimately, get rid of it.

Girls, how do you explain to your grown-up children that aggressive behavior can, and most importantly, must be dealt with? Let's collect practical ways that will help calm an already grown-up Child. After all, the time when you could just put him in a crib or pick him up and hold him has passed. How to come to an agreement with them, so independent and at the same time very insecure???

Detailed discussion of the topic in the community “From Children to Teenagers” Aggression – good or bad? There you will also find a lot of useful and interesting information about our already independent children.

Recently, more and more often in the media there have been stories about the manifestation of cruel and inexplicable relationships in society. Many programs have been aired about the beating of women and children; films are filled with stories about negative influences on people.

Where does all this come from, is the world really so cruel, that everyone around has become so aggressive that it has become simply impossible to fight it.

Before you understand how to deal with it, you need to understand what it really is and find the source of its occurrence.

Aggression is a person’s emotion towards the actions and actions of another; it is directed with the goal of harming, doing something bad. In the animal world, with the help of aggression, they protect their lives, establish their own order in the pack, this is such a unique behavior of a leader. And verbal and non-verbal aggression in human society can be a sign far from being a sign of strength, but rather of weakness and defenselessness, the inability to correct or redo anything.

Types of aggression

1. Physiological - when direct physical influence is used on another individual;

2. Indirect - the so-called hidden: gossip, whispering, blinding outbursts of anger. They are usually not aimed at a specific person, but at the situation as a whole;

3. Irritation is a person’s state of constant excitability, it can simply develop into outbursts of anger;

4. Verbal - screams, squeals, stomping;

5. Negativism - internal position, denial of foundations and rules. All this comes out inside a person; outwardly it does not manifest itself so clearly, it is more passive.

All these types of aggression can be divided into verbal - it manifests itself externally, it is visible (outbursts of anger, shouting, foul language), and non-verbal - this is hidden aggression, it is not visible, you can encounter such aggression only when it develops into verbal, then there is coming out.

Recently, verbal aggression has become increasingly common in adolescents.

Wine of origin

The desire to get something here and now, impatience;

This is how teenagers try to lead, to become the leader of the company;

They assert themselves by demonstrating what physical capabilities they have;

They try to attract the attention of not only peers, but also adults and parents, especially if there is no such attention;

Sometimes even revenge for rejected feelings or the fact that he was not chosen as a leader.

Even teenagers often experience aggression towards themselves in cases where there is boundless love for adults, and those, in turn, have too high demands on the child. Often, a child feels inferior, unworthy of his parents, and this is where the first signs of such a phenomenon as verbal and physical aggression appear.

How to deal with verbal aggression

One of the most correct ways to fight a child’s aggressive behavior is by example. If there are no manifestations of aggression in the family, there are no scandals, no shouting, or all this is not done in front of the child, then there will be no one to copy him.

If it happens that the child begins to show aggression, then you cannot react to this fleetingly and with the same aggressive response. This is recorded in the child’s subconscious, he sees that the parents behave in the same way, and then repetitions of such behavior are ensured.

But we cannot turn a blind eye to such behavior. The guys feel impunity very quickly, and then this lump will be even more difficult to untangle.

The main method of combating aggressive behavior is prevention, positive emotions, and friendly relationships in the family. The more loving people surround a child from infancy, the less they yell at him and scold him only for business, and not for every small reason, the less aggression the child will have in adolescence and adulthood.

The daily news report constantly frightens the average person with the number of acts of violence in all corners of the world. And everyday life is replete with quarrels, shouting and other manifestations of hostility.

Aggression in modern society is perceived as evil and is publicly condemned. However, there are many examples of hostile behavior of both individuals and entire groups of people.

Why do people cause suffering to each other, what are the causes of interpersonal and global conflicts? There is no clear answer to these questions, but studying the phenomenon of aggressiveness in different aspects of human life will help to better understand the problem.

What is aggression?

There are many approaches in the world to determining the cause, content and types of counteraction to such behavior. Thus, some psychologists believe that aggression is an innate human quality associated with instinctive impulses. Others correlate this concept with the need for an individual to achieve relief (frustration), while others perceive it as a manifestation of a person’s social learning, which arose on the basis of past experience.

Thus, this type of personality manifestation is intentional behavior that is destructive in nature and leads to physical or psychological harm and discomfort in other individuals.

Aggression in psychology, and in everyday life, is often associated with anger, anger, rage, that is, extremely negative emotions. In fact, hostility can also arise in a calm, cool state. Such behavior may be the result of negative attitudes (the desire to harm or offend) or be unmotivated. According to many experts, a prerequisite for aggressive behavior must be that it is directed at another individual. That is, punching the wall and breaking dishes are not manifestations of hostile, but expressive behavior. But outbursts of uncontrollable negative emotions can subsequently be redirected to living beings.

Historical approaches

The definition of aggression is carried out through various approaches. The main ones are:

Normative approach. Particular attention is paid to the illegality of actions and violation of generally accepted norms. Aggressive behavior is considered to be behavior that includes 2 main conditions: there are consequences that are disastrous for the victim and at the same time the norms of behavior are violated.
Depth psychological approach. The instinctive nature of aggression is affirmed. It is an integral innate feature of the behavior of any person.
Targeted approach. Explores hostile behavior in terms of its intended purpose. According to this direction, aggression is a tool of self-affirmation, evolution, adaptation and appropriation of vital resources and territories.
Effective approach. Focuses on the consequences of such behavior.
An intentional approach. Evaluates the motivations of the subject of hostility that prompted him to take such actions.
Emotional approach. Reveals the psycho-emotional aspect of the behavior and motivation of the aggressor.
A multidimensional approach includes an analysis of all factors of aggression with an in-depth study of the most significant, from the point of view of the individual author.

A large number of approaches to defining this psychological phenomenon do not provide an exhaustive definition. The concept of “aggression” is too broad and multifaceted. Types of aggression are very diverse. But it is still necessary to understand and classify them in order to better understand the causes and develop ways to combat this serious problem of our time.

Aggression. Types of aggression

It is quite difficult to create a unified classification of types of aggression and its causes. However, in world practice they often use its definition according to the method of American psychologists A. Bass and A. Darkie, which includes five components:

Physical aggression - physical force is used on another individual.
Indirect aggression - occurs in a hidden way (unkind banter, creating gossip) or is not directed at a specific person (gratuitous screaming, stomping, other manifestations of outbursts of rage).
Irritation is increased excitability to external stimuli, which often leads to a surge of negative emotions.
Verbal aggression is the manifestation of negative feelings through verbal reactions (squealing, screaming, swearing, threats, etc.).
Negativism is oppositional behavior that can manifest itself in both passive and active forms of struggle against established laws and traditions.

Types of Verbal Responses

The manifestation of aggression in verbal form, according to A. Bass, is divided into three main types:

Rejection is a reaction that is based on the “go away” type and more crude forms.
Hostile remarks are formed according to the principle “your presence annoys me.”
Criticism is aggression directed not specifically at a person, but at his personal objects, work, clothes, etc.

Psychologists also identify other forms of hostility. So, according to H. Heckhausen, there is instrumental and hostile aggression. Hostility is an end in itself and brings direct harm to another person. Instrumental is an intermediate phenomenon in achieving a goal (for example, extortion).

Forms of manifestation

Forms of aggression can be very diverse and are divided into the following types of actions:

negative (destructive) - positive (constructive);
obvious (open aggression) - latent (hidden);
direct (directed directly to the object) - indirect (influence through other channels);
ego-syntonic (accepted by the personality itself) - ego-dystonic (condemned by one’s “I”);
physical (violence against a physical object) - verbal (attack with words);
hostile (the goal of aggression is immediate harm) - instrumental (hostility is only a means to achieve another goal).

The most common manifestations of aggression in everyday life are raising one's voice, slander, insults, coercion, physical force, and the use of weapons. Hidden forms include harmful inaction, avoidance of contact, self-harm, even suicide.

Who can aggression be directed at?

Attacks of aggression can be directed at:

exclusively close people - only family members (or one member) are attacked, behavior with others is normal;
people not from the family circle - teachers, classmates, doctors, etc.;
oneself - both on one’s own body and personality, occurs in the form of refusal to eat, mutilation, nail biting, etc.;
animals, insects, birds, etc.;
inanimate physical objects - in the form of eating inedible objects;
symbolic objects - passion for aggressive computer games, collecting weapons, etc.

Causes of aggressive behavior

The reasons for human hostility are also varied and cause controversy among professional psychologists.

Adherents of the biological theory are of the opinion that aggression is:

innate human reaction associated with (attack is the best defense);
behavior that arises as a result of the struggle for territory and resources (competition in the personal and professional spheres);
hereditary property obtained together with the type of nervous system (unbalanced);
a consequence of hormonal imbalances (excess testosterone or adrenaline);
a consequence of use (alcohol, nicotine, drugs).

According to the sociobiological approach, people with similar genes contribute to each other's survival, even through self-sacrifice. At the same time, they show aggression towards individuals who are very different from them and contain few common genes. This explains conflict outbreaks between representatives of social, national, religious and professional groups.

Psychosocial theory links increased aggressiveness to a person's quality of life. The worse his condition (not getting enough sleep, hungry, not satisfied with life), the more hostile he is.

Factors influencing the level of aggressiveness

According to social theory, aggression is a human property acquired throughout life. Moreover, it develops against the background of the following factors:

(frequent quarrels between parents, use of physical force on children, lack of parental attention);
daily display and propaganda of violence on television and other media.

Psychologists also closely link factors of human aggression with the following personal qualities:

dominant style of behavior;
increased anxiety;
tendency to detect hostility in the actions of other individuals;
increased or, conversely, decreased self-control;
decreased self-esteem and frequent infringement of self-esteem;
complete lack of potential, including creativity.

How to deal with an aggressor?

Aggression is an action usually aimed at destruction. Therefore, it is necessary to remember some basic rules of behavior with a negative individual:

If a person is in strong psychological arousal, and the problem is minor, try to move the conversation to another topic, reschedule the discussion, that is, get away from the irritating conversation.
It will have a positive effect on mutual understanding if the parties to the conflict look at the problem from the outside, with an unbiased look.
It is necessary to try to understand the aggressor. If the cause is up to you, take possible measures to eliminate it.
Sometimes it is helpful to show the aggressor empathy and understanding.
It also helps to agree with him in those points where he is actually right.

Determine what type the aggressor belongs to

Specific methods of countering hostility depend directly on the type of personality of the aggressor:

Type "Tank". Very rude and direct people who go straight ahead in a conflict situation. If the issue is not very important, it is better to give in or adapt, to let the aggressor let off steam. You cannot question his rightness; you should express your opinion without emotion, because calm usually suppresses the rage of such a person.
Bomb type. These subjects are not evil by nature, but they can flare up like children. In the event of an outbreak of hostility, it is necessary to allow the emotions of such a person to come out, calm him down and communicate normally further, since this does not happen out of malice and often against the will of the aggressor himself.
Sniper type. Due to the lack of actual power, it creates conflicts through intrigue. It is important to present the culprit with evidence of his behind-the-scenes games and then look for a solution to this issue.
Horn type. These people criticize everything in the world, from real problems to imaginary ones. They want to be heard. When contacting such an aggressor, it is necessary to let him pour out his soul, agree with his opinion and try to move the conversation in a different direction. When returning to this topic, one should switch his attention from the problem to ways to solve it.
“Penknife” type. Such people are often ready to help and give in on many issues. However, this happens only in words, but in practice the opposite is true. When communicating with them, you need to insist on the importance for you of the truth on their part.

How to get rid of discomfort after communication?

In the modern world, people have a fairly high level of aggression. This implies the need to properly respond to other people’s attacks, as well as control one’s own psycho-emotional state.

At the moment of a hostile reaction, you need to take a deep breath and exhale, count to ten, which will allow you to abstract from the momentary outburst of emotions and look at the situation rationally. Telling your opponent about your negative feelings is also useful. If all this does not help, you can throw out excess anger using one of the following activities:

sports, yoga or active games in the fresh air;
picnic in nature;
relaxation in a karaoke bar or disco;
general cleaning (you can even rearrange it) in the house;
writing all the negative things on paper and then destroying it (you need to tear it up or burn it);
you can break dishes or just a pillow (this option is much cheaper);
conversation with the closest and, most importantly, understanding people;
crying also provides tangible emotional release;
in the end, you can just do what you love, it will undoubtedly lift your spirits.

In more severe cases, a person cannot cope with negative emotions on his own. Then you need to contact a psychotherapist or psychologist. A specialist will help you recognize the causes of this condition, define aggression in each specific case, and also find individual methods for solving this issue.

Causes of childhood aggression

A very important aspect that cannot be ignored is teenage aggression. It is very important for parents to figure out what caused this behavior, because this will make it possible to correct the child’s reactions in the future. Children's hostility has similar causes to adults, but it also has some peculiarities. The main ones include:

desire to receive something;
desire to dominate;
attracting the attention of other children;
self-affirmation;
defensive reaction;
gaining a sense of superiority by humiliating others;
revenge.

Aggressive behavior of adolescents in half of the cases is the result of miscalculations in upbringing, insufficient or excessive influence, unwillingness to understand the child, or a simple lack of time. This character is formed under an authoritarian type of parental influence, as well as in dysfunctional families.

Aggression in adolescents also occurs in the presence of a number of psychological factors:

low level of intelligence and communication skills;
primitivism of gaming activities;
poor self-control skills;
problems with peers;
low self-esteem.

Left to chance, aggression on the part of a child can develop into open conflicts in the future, even in adulthood. Child psychology identifies almost the same types of hostility as adults. Therefore, we will dwell in more detail on the issues of combating it, which has some differences from cases with adults.

The child has?

The most important rule in education is following a personal example. A child will never respond to parents’ demands that are at odds with their own actions.

The reaction to aggression should not be immediate and cruel. The child will take his anger out on others, hiding his real emotions from his parents. But there should be no connivance, since children sense uncertainty on the part of their parents very well.

Aggressive behavior of adolescents requires timely prevention, namely the systematic and controlled formation of trusting and friendly relationships. Strength and weakness on the part of the parent will only make the situation worse; only sincerity and trust will really help.

Specific steps to combat aggression in a child include the following:

Teach him self-control.
Develop skills to behave in conflict situations.
Teach your child to express negative emotions in an appropriate form.
Instill in him understanding and empathy for other people.

Aggression is a very common concept and phenomenon in modern society. Aggression occurs in very different forms, including global ones (wars, etc.). But we are interested in aggression, precisely as a psychological phenomenon, as an emotion that does something to a person and his life.

Aggressiveness is that quality in a person that produces aggression (accumulates appropriate emotions and energy). Our task in this article is to give precise definitions of Aggression, to understand its nature and what aggressiveness needs to be replaced with so that aggression leaves a person’s life forever and his psycho-emotional state becomes balanced and positive.

What is Aggression? Esoteric definition

Aggressiveness- this is a search for a reason to violence against another. The mistake is in the choice goals And methods(the choice is made emotionally, without thinking with your head):

Target– destruction of another (reflex – remove an obstacle to what you want, etc.)
Method– direct negative (aggressive) emotional (energy) impact aimed at destruction (causing pain, complete or partial destruction).

During a surge of aggression, a stream of negative energy (a bundle of emotions) flies out of a person and destroys energy systems, subtle bodies, consciousness and the body of both the one sending the negative and the one at whom the aggression was directly directed. After outbursts of aggression, as a rule, a person recovers for some time, and sometimes gets very sick, because much of his energy and body has been destroyed and damaged, and it takes time for the body to restore itself.

Aggressive behavior- this is an indicator of the inability to manage one’s own , and the predominance of animal instincts in humans, rather than human virtues and qualities. Aggression is one of the roughest and most primitive animal emotions. Its presence in a person does not do him honor and speaks only of his ignorance and that he cannot be trusted.

What is Aggression replaced with?

Aggressiveness, as quality - is replaced by . Calmness – involves consciously managing your emotional reactions, extinguishing negative emotions (aggression, anger, etc.) and including positive ones (peace, goodwill, joy).

When eliminating aggressiveness, Calmness is also security(to be invulnerable to external provocations), the search for mutual interests (compromises to solve the current situation, problem), tact (showing respect for oneself and others, decent behavior).

How to cope with your own aggression and remove aggressiveness

7 effective ways:

1. Read the article carefully again and recognize that aggression does not lead to anything good, does not provide worthy solutions, but only destroys both people and the situation. Stop justifying your own aggressiveness and firmly decide to say goodbye to aggressiveness.

To do this, write down at least 10 points in your workbook about what negative consequences aggression leads to (preferably with examples from your own life, or from the lives of loved ones). Visibility is the best tool in the fight against Evil.

2. Create positive motivation– strength for internal changes. Write 15-20 points - what you will get when you eliminate aggression and learn Calmness, which will leave your life forever, how you will react to provocations, how you will feel without being triggered by aggression, how other people’s attitudes towards you will change, and much more. etc.

3. Apply self-hypnosis formulas:“I burn aggression”, “I enhance Calmness”, “I control myself”, etc. To do this, study how the self-hypnosis technique works in the section “Personality Development Techniques”. Remember that self-hypnosis presupposes a volitional influence on an object (in our case, this is aggressiveness), that is, you need to awaken and invest sufficient internal efforts, the energy of consciousness, for self-hypnosis to work and give the necessary result. Correct Self-Hypnosis speeds up the process of changing a person (replacing negative qualities with positive ones) tenfold.

4. Find for yourself a model (example) of decent Behavior(instead of aggressive behavior). This could be the hero of a book, a good movie (for example, a true Knight or Lady) - how the best of people behave, how they react to provocations, how they adequately parry and get out of difficult situations. To begin with, copy their behavior, psycho-emotional reactions, external manifestations in order to feel and make the state natural for these heroes yours. And over time, this state will become individual, you will gradually fill your behavior and inner sensations with your own findings - individual techniques, emotions and feelings, shades, what most suits your personality, individuality. But this will be without aggression and negative manifestations.

5. Active physical activity and exercises– burn negative energy, burn aggression. It can be anything, as long as it is with maximum load: breathing exercises, shaping, exercise equipment, intense running, martial arts, team sports (football, volleyball, etc.), etc. After a good intense physical activity, the athlete always comes out of the gym is more calm, joyful and kind than came by.

6. Learn to be calm, cultivate Peace. And it’s best to start doing this in Meditations. All states and feelings that are new to a person can be mastered most quickly through meditation, which is what it is designed for, and then gradually transfer them throughout your life. Master basic meditation - . You will find other techniques for developing and working on yourself on the page.

7. Humor is power! Laughter is a cure not only for many diseases, but also for many vices, shortcomings, pride and arrogance, aggression and anger, depression and despondency, etc. Laughter can help in so many ways! But not everyone, but only those who have at least a little sense of humor. Therefore, I put Laughter and Humor in 7th place, because this method of saying goodbye to aggressiveness is not accessible to everyone.

But the ability to laugh at your shortcoming means defeating it by 50%. But laughter is also an emotion, a powerful energy that comes from somewhere. How can laughter help deal with internal aggression? Very simple! Aggression, as accumulated energy inside a person, is simply transformed into the energy of laughter, provided that the person has a sense of humor. For example, when he is in a cheerful company, or watching a funny KVN. Aggression, quite simply, will all come out with laughter and will not be destructive, but will be creative, because the person was happy. Therefore, laugh heartily and don’t hold back – it’s to your benefit!

And remember, aggressive men - usually everyone shuns them, they don’t want to deal with them, they don’t trust them. Nobody likes aggressive women, least of all men. Aggression does not bode well for a person, but Peace, on the contrary, Peace is the door to heaven, to inner harmony and happiness. Therefore, it is worth trying to remove aggression from yourself and form Calm.

If you have any individual questions for me, write in the comments or in .

I wish you a good state, deep calm, invulnerability and always growing satisfaction! Best regards, author.

The opinion of the leading Russian psychologist of the CROSS club, Mikhail Maslov, is how to increase self-esteem, how to become successful, by analyzing and recognizing your attitude to the two most powerful human emotions, anger and fear. Fear is not as terrible, anger is not as terrible as they seem at first glance.

Unexpressed aggression inevitably causes a strong feeling of guilt. We are embarrassed to express our natural emotions. Aggression is directed at us and eats us up from the inside.

Where does the prohibition on expressing this emotion, which is actually useful for survival, come from? How to overcome this barrier?

Thesis: The main reason for self-doubt is an internal prohibition on feeling and expressing aggression.

First I want to define and expand the concept of aggressiveness. It will be slightly different from the concept of aggressiveness, which is used “by default” in society and is understood in the meaning of “bad, destructive. This is true, but these are infantile or immature forms of expression of aggression. I will say more about forms of aggression below.

Aggression is any act aimed at modifying oneself or the world around oneself.

And what do you think, what tool has nature (evolution, God, creator) endowed people with for developing themselves, protecting themselves, their interests, territory, personality? This is the emotion of anger. When does anger arise? When there is a source of discomfort and a person feels subjectively stronger than the source of discomfort (B.M. Litvak’s definition). And if a person perceives himself as weaker, then what emotion arises? Fear. This is the second emotion genetically given to a person, which is also aimed at protecting one’s interests and one’s personality. By the way, fear, like anger, is, in terms of intensity of experience, the most powerful emotions a person can experience.

Let's get creative. Imagine that you are crossing the road, even if the traffic light is green. But then you see a car approaching you at high speed from the left, honking its horn, flashing its headlights, and you understand that it is not going to slow down. How will you feel? Probably at first you will allow yourself to get angry that they want to ask you to quickly get out of the way, although you have every right to occupy the crossing, but the closer the car approaches, the more you will feel what emotion? Fear. Fear for your life and this fear will somehow begin to spur you on, and you will quickly leave the roadway.

Now imagine that you are crossing the road in a tank when the traffic light is green. And from the left, a car is also approaching you, honking its horn, flashing its headlights, and generally wants to hurry you up. How will you feel? It will probably be different somehow, but there will be no fear. Why? What distinguishes the first situation from the second? In the second situation, there is an understanding and feeling of being armed, able and ready to fight back if necessary.

So what makes it possible for a person to be confident and ready to fight back if necessary? This is the ability and opportunity to experience anger and internally allow oneself to be aggressive.

I remember how one young man who was taking a script reprogramming course read out an autobiography and described the events when he served in the army. He told how the old-timers forced him to do something, put pressure on him, humiliated him, forced him to fight. But despite the fact that he had a second adult rank in boxing, it was extremely difficult for him to defend himself: “It feels like you are tied hand and foot, although my hands and feet are free and I know how to fight, but psychologically I can’t allow myself to do this.” . Those. For some reason, a person sheaths his tool to protect himself and forbids himself to use it. The magnitude of this prohibition determines the feeling of being strong or weak when a person is faced with a manifestation of aggression directed at him. And this prohibition is called moralization.

How and where does this ban come from? It often happens that parents, for their own reasons, treat the child as an extension of themselves, do not want to accept the child in all its manifestations and do not want to see manifestations of anger directed at them. And vice versa, they want their child to only admire them. And when a child, completely normal for himself, shows anger at his parents from the age of 3-4 years, then the parents punish the child for this with various sanctions. Basically, this is rejection “I don’t need you like that,” and rejection is one of the most terrible situations for a child. This is either retaliatory anger, beatings, or manipulations based on feelings of guilt and shame, “Shame on you, I’m your mother,” or manipulations based on feelings of negation, “I’m not talking to you,” “My child doesn’t behave like that,” “I I will love another Dima.” And then the child imposes an internal ban on feeling and expressing anger, because... understands that defending one’s interests and being oneself is scarier (i.e., losing a relationship is scarier) than enduring suffering in a relationship. Those. The child sheaths a certain psychological sword with which one can and should defend himself, the mother fills the neck of the sheath with sealing wax, stamps it “Do not open, do not use, indecent, uncivilized. Aren’t you ashamed, I’m your mother,” and what kind of person goes out into the world in terms of weapons? Disarmed.

What will happen next? What emotions will the person experience? Imagine that you are walking down the street without a weapon, and a man comes out to meet you, takes out two submachine guns, points them at him and says, “Well, let’s talk?” How will you feel? What emotion should you feel? Fear, anxiety. Will you try to make this person stop shooting at you? Yes. Those. you will form a list of expectations from yourself and when this list is not fulfilled, what emotion will arise? Guilt. Or a feeling of resentment. Those. it is anger, but directed at oneself. What will happen to the feeling of self-confidence? It will not be there, but instead there will be a feeling of anxiety, suspiciousness, shyness and a desire to please the other person. You will live with the feeling that someone else can be angry with me (shoot at me), but I can’t respond.

And what will happen in such an emotional state with the realization of your desires? I understand that there will be situations where they will evaluate me and put psychological pressure on me, but what are these situations like for me? Pleasant or not so pleasant? These are very scary situations for me, these are situations that cause a lot of stress. And when I want to do something, then at the same time how will I do it? Scary. And then the more scared, the more likely it is that I will say to myself what? “I’m not interested in doing this,” “it’s not mine.” What will happen to your interests in life and your emotional state in general? How will I feel if I suppressed one of the most powerful emotions in terms of severity - fear. What will happen to weaker emotions: interest, joy, a sense of meaning? Will I be able to feel a weaker emotion if I have stopped myself from feeling a stronger one? No. And then I will feel that “I’m bored”, “I’m not interested”, “I’m lazy”, I don’t know what I want and in general I don’t want anything. This state can be called emotional mortification, “either will or captivity, it’s all the same.”

What will happen to the body if you suppress anger? The unconscious will react in its own way, without asking the person whether he wants him to have a reaction in response or not. Anger will be expressed through psychosomatic illnesses. For example. The subordinate’s character remains the desire to please everyone, he feels inferior when significant people evaluate him and such a person is his boss. But the boss mocked his subordinate, yelled at him, and assessed his personality negatively. The subordinate left the conversation with the boss feeling grateful for the criticism. But after 10 minutes, the subordinate began to have a headache. Blood pressure rose. Those. there is a reaction to the invasion of personal boundaries, but it is not realized. This can be compared to an attack on Russia with nuclear weapons, in response to which our military also presses the “Start” button, and a rocket with an atomic bomb leaves the launch pad in an underground mine, but when it flies up to the lid of the underground mine, it turns out that the lid they forgot to open the mines. And then the rocket explodes on Russian territory.

So, anger, if it is not felt, not experienced or, if necessary, not expressed, then it is transformed into a rise in blood pressure, spasms of the muscles of the back, neck, and throat.

If there is too much suppressed anger, then these emotions can destroy a person, and then another protective mechanism is activated - depression. Depression does the same thing to the psyche as weakness, fever, or lack of appetite during a viral disease. Those. In order for the body to focus on fighting the viral disease, weakness appears and the person goes to bed. Meanwhile, the body continues to intensively fight the viral infection. Likewise, depression somewhat dampens mental activity so that excessive emotions do not destroy a person. For example, suppressed anger is transformed either into headaches or into a depressive state. Although the only correct emotion in response to personal insult and invasion of personal boundaries should be what? This is retaliatory anger.

So what to do and what forms of expression of aggression are acceptable and which are not?

I would begin to answer this question by first distinguishing between the concepts of aggressiveness and destructiveness. Or they would separate infantile (not mature) and mature aggression - on the one hand, and aggression directed at oneself and the outside world on the other.

What is mature aggression? Any act of creation, initiative - is it a phenomenon in itself? Aggressive. If I create something, it assumes that what was created before me somehow needs correction, is somehow outdated, has somehow lost its relevance. And with my creative product, I treat other creative products aggressively. And this is mature aggression, i.e. energy aimed at transforming and improving the world around you. From here follows the understanding that any initiative is punishable (if it is not expected). And everything new has the well-known three stages of implementation: Resistance “This cannot be”, adaptation “There is something in this”, and acceptance “This is the only way it should be”.

If mature aggression is directed at oneself, then what do you think this is expressed in? In transforming whom and in what direction? Yourself towards the realization of your abilities and needs. Those. mature aggression is gnawing on the granite of science and processing it for oneself and other people. This is a modification of oneself in the direction of development, acquisition of skills and knowledge.

What about infantile aggression? This is the destruction of something, causing physical, material, moral harm to other people. And infantile aggression directed at oneself is self-destruction, feelings of guilt, resentment, and anger at oneself.

So what stops you from being aggressive? Most often, this is a moralization or prejudice that anger and aggression are bad. This is rude, this is unacceptable. And along with this prejudice, the concept of which includes “aggression is a scandal,” a person bans himself from feeling and expressing aggression as a tool for protecting his personality and realizing himself in general.

In order to feel confident, it is enough to allow yourself to get angry, if necessary, but not necessarily to express it. Because very few people can accept anger without ending the relationship or punishing it with other sanctions. Conversely, there are a lot of people who treat other people as objects that should only be admired. Then you will feel that you can defend your interests, that you are psychologically armed. This state is felt by another person and he understands that “it’s better not to, don’t interfere, it will be worse for both.” This is read non-verbally and felt by another person. Much like how nuclear powers do not attack each other because they understand that it will be worse for both.

After a person allows himself to feel anger, then more subtle and weaker feelings are released: interest, joy, love, the ability to feel and experience belonging to meaning. Those. the person begins to feel alive.

And I would also like to talk about one form of aggression that is most difficult to resist. What do you think this is? This is care and supposedly love disguised as care. A person who cares about you often says what? “I love you, I want you to feel better.” Those. This is how a person rationalizes his aggression; this aggression is often not felt and is just as strongly binding and immobilizing as the direct expression of aggression in the form of coercion to do something. It can be especially difficult to get rid of a caring aggressor when you realize that this is a person close to you.

Good luck to you in your ability to be mature aggressors!

You can practice the skills of correctly expressing your emotions, start living a full life, or simply learn more about your own psychological portrait at our seminars dedicated to “Personal Growth”. The series of seminars is called “How to get out of the script and start living.” Look at the schedule of CROSS club seminars for the dates that are relevant to you