Galina Anderson, a psychologist, psychophysiologist and biofeedback therapist at the Alvian Center for Psychosomatic Medicine and Psychotherapy in Moscow, talks about how to behave in a conflict with a manager in such a situation.
Since we cannot avoid conflicts, we need to learn how to respond to them correctly in order to reduce their negative impact on our emotional and mental state.
If it was not possible to avoid a conflict with your boss, you need to try to do everything to get out of the conflict situation with dignity. To do this, you must follow certain rules.
Rule 1. Don't let the conflict flare up
In conflicts with management, the suffering party is always the subordinates, because ordinary employees, in accordance with their position, cannot rein in their leader.
Therefore, if a conflict with the boss does arise, our task is not to “throw brush on the fire,” but to try to soften the rough edges and level out the situation so that the conflict does not lead to mutual accusations. The best strategy for this will be a calm, confident and balanced behavior. Try to react to the conflict without emotions: speak to your boss without raising your voice, and with calm intonations, but clearly and confidently - this will have a sobering effect on him, not necessarily a calming one.
Rule 2. Understand why the leader behaves this way
The reasons for conflicts with superiors can be different.
Perhaps these are personal problems of the leader. He may be a person with an unbalanced psyche and take it out on his subordinates only because he has the power to do so.
Understanding the causes of the conflict will help you feel that you are right and realize that the conflicting behavior of management is not your problem.
Topic for Thought
Should conflicts be avoided? Some people, on an intuitive level, try by all means to avoid conflicts with their leader. Women are best at mitigating or avoiding conflicts. Men are by nature more hot-tempered and more prone to protests and aggression. If possible, you should try not to succumb to provocation, although this does not always work. There is another way to avoid conflict - change the topic of communication or turn it into a joke. But you shouldn’t use this method often, otherwise you will be considered frivolous and avoiding solving the problem. You also need to joke with your boss very carefully: if the boss does not appreciate your humor or misinterprets it, this will only aggravate the brewing conflict.Rule 3. Do not take the position of a victim
Many managers in conflict situations are accustomed to yelling at their subordinates, and, unfortunately, nothing can be done about this: every “toxic” leader believes that power gives him the right not to control his emotions and in any situation to behave as he pleases.
By his behavior, the leader on a subconscious level involves his subordinates in the “persecutor-victim” game. Having accepted this game, subordinates unwittingly put themselves in the position of the latter and remain in this role all the time. Thus, the boss plays the role of an accuser, and subordinates feel guilty and are forced to constantly make excuses.
When in conflict with a manager, ask yourself: what role do you play in the conflict situation? If during a conflict you speak to your manager with a trembling voice, apologize and make excuses, without even feeling any guilt, this means that you find yourself in the role of a victim. This position is particularly weak and vulnerable, and everything possible must be done to avoid it.
Rule 4. Be firm in your position
If you have made the decision not to take on the role of victim, be firm in that belief. Tell yourself: “I don’t feel guilty and I won’t make excuses, and I will build my behavior based on this position.” This is very important, because all the words that we say and the intonations that sound in our speech always come from our inner sense of self. And if a person is convinced that he has the right to defend his point of view, he will do it calmly, confidently and weightily, and then his boss will be forced to listen to his opinion.
Rule 5. If conflicts cannot be avoided, you need to learn to react to them with restraint and calm
If conflicts with management occur frequently, you should not fall into depression, panic or a state of helplessness. You need to learn to perceive them not as an insoluble problem, but as a task that can be solved by changing your attitude towards it.
Diaphragmatic breathing will help you feel more confident in a conflict situation: inhale freely, allowing the air to fill the lungs to the lower sections, and exhale slowly. Try to speak while exhaling, pronouncing the words clearly, slowly, and confidently. To maintain calm and emotional stability, acquire the skills to shift attention from stress factors and thereby reduce nervous tension during a conflict, there is a method of psycho-emotional self-regulation using biofeedback (BFE), which a psychologist specializing in biofeedback therapy will help you master.
Hello! My name is Maria, I'm 28 years old.
I really ask for help - a conflict at work has turned it into hard labor!
Let me briefly describe the situation: I have been working at this place for 4 years. Conflicts at work always arise, especially since the team is quite large - 13 people in the department. But it was always decided: they argued, sulked and made peace. I have a colleague who works almost the same amount of time (8 months less). By age - 2 years older. Until one moment, we communicated quite well: we were in the same positions, performing the same functions. In principle, conflicts at work arose - both were leaders by nature, but somehow they came to an agreement and the issue was resolved. We communicated quite often outside of work.
But at some point everything went wrong. First there was my wedding, which made her very nervous (she has been in a relationship for 5 years, but everything is very complicated there - they don’t live together, the young man just comes for the weekend, the budget is separate). Okay, I just ignored all her barbs and “advice” or turned them into a joke. I invited her to the wedding and the conflict disappeared.
Six months ago she took out a mortgage - an enormous burden for her - her entire salary goes towards payments. I tried to encourage and help. There seemed to be no conflict.
But a month ago there was a certification at work. Each of us should have been promoted to a category, but as a result: she was promoted through the category, and I was left at the same one with the wording: “She corresponds to the position (category) held. Increase her professional and business level. Has the right to undergo recertification in a year.” From the management I heard the formulation: “She needs help! She is alone, and she has a mortgage. It’s difficult for her. You should feel sorry. But you still have a husband” (I’ll say right away: our boss is inadequate, but we’re used to it and don’t pay attention to him please pay)
I was depressed. I spent 3 days in tears and fell ill due to nervousness - I am allergic, so my nerves greatly affected my appearance - I had to sit on sick leave so as not to scare my colleagues with bloody scratches.
When I came out, I was completely ignored. Communication is dry. Either one or two phrases purely about work, or via email. Now the conflict has reached the point where she doesn’t say hello, doesn’t say goodbye, interrupts when I say something, and since she is now a leading specialist, she is constantly trying to command (I have subordination to another person - I have nothing to do with her). At first I tried to establish relationships at least on a business level. She did it, swallowing tears. I just didn’t want other colleagues to suffer because of our conflict. But it didn't work. And I spat!
She also has a conflict with other guys, although not as acute.
Tell me what to do? I don’t want to go to work - I’m not in the mood to do anything - I sit all day with headphones on, listening to music so as not to hear it. I come home depressed. If I used to make contact somehow, now I find myself starting to be mischievous too - I ignore (but in terms of politeness I remain a well-mannered person), I refuse help (today I refused the No-shpa pill, I preferred to get dressed and go to pharmacy).
I don’t want to change my job - I love my team and my job. And I don’t want to give up what I raised as my brainchild - I came at the moment of its founding and raised everything from scratch... It’s a pity...
I would be very grateful for advice!
Answers from psychologists
Maria, hello!
From the outside, this is seen as competition, a manifestation of your weakness, you behaved like an offended little girl! The whole team appreciated such a bright manifestation!
Nothing bad happened, why are you reacting like that?!
A year seems like a lot... There will be a holiday on your street too.
It is in such situations that the essence of a person is learned. It’s more convenient for us to take part in a person’s life when he feels bad (rehabilitating himself at such a moment, saying that I still have nothing...), but we often fail to sincerely rejoice and help him achieve success!
Change your view on the current situation, do not destroy your relationship with your brainchild. Favorite work is such a rarity! And a person feels happy if he has a prosperous family and a job he loves! Don't take away your happiness. Build relationships with colleagues from the point of view. a self-sufficient woman (A person cannot be offended, he can be offended himself. It’s not what happened, but how we reacted).
Sincerely, Olga Borisovna.
Good answer 1 Bad answer 1Hello Maria! let's look at what's going on:
conflict at work turned her into hard labor!
if the problem is that YOU see a conflict, then there is only one way out - STOP seeing IT in it! and thereby let him go yourself! and find WHAT YOU enjoy in your work!
But at some point everything went wrong. First there was my wedding, which made her very nervous(she has been in a relationship for 5 years, but everything is very complicated there - they don’t live together, the young man just comes for the weekend, the budget is separate). Okay, I'm just ignored all her barbs and “advice” or turned them into a joke. I invited her to the wedding and the conflict disappeared.
How do you know that your wedding made SHE nervous? You drew conclusions only from the fact that her life is not going well in YOUR opinion? or did SHE voice this to YOU herself? after all, YOU yourself interpreted HER behavior, read her thoughts and feelings and BEGAN to see barbs and “advice” in her addresses and words - but what she felt - YOU DON’T KNOW!
did you ask? Have you expressed your feelings to her openly?
Six months ago she took out a mortgage - an enormous burden for her - her entire salary goes towards payments. I tried to encourage and help. There seemed to be no conflict.
she took it - it's her choice! what do you get from this? Did SHE ask for HELP, to cheer her up? You and In this situation were ready to see a conflict - and YOU made contact with her so that IT would NOT arise - but was it there?
But a month ago there was a certification at work. We should have been promoted to each category, but as a result: she was promoted through a category, but I was left at the same level with the wording: “Complies with the position (category) held. Increase professional and business level. Has the right to undergo re-certification in a year.” I heard from management wording: “She needs help! She is alone, and she has a mortgage. It’s difficult for her. You should feel sorry for her. But you still have a husband” (I’ll say right away: our boss is inadequate, but we’re used to it and don’t pay attention to him)
those. YOU feel a sense of resentment, disappointment - WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO WITH IT??? and what exactly disappointed you - IS SHE? or the attitude of MANAGEMENT? that the boss took an infantile position - BUT - again, SHE had nothing to do with it - she is NOT responsible FOR YOUR feelings, thoughts and actions!! and is she the center of the conflict?
When I came out, I was completely ignored. Communication is dry. Either one or two phrases purely about work, or via email. Now the conflict has reached the point where she doesn’t say hello, doesn’t say goodbye, interrupts when I say something, and since she’s now a leading specialist, she’s constantly trying to command
where is the conflict? there is simply ignoring! YOU YOURSELF perceive communication as “dry” and accordingly behave in the same way as you perceive this situation - also “dry”! and what prevents YOU from making contact, from communicating - after all, YOU still DO NOT know how she feels! You projected your feelings, your resentment FOR the decision of your superiors ONTO HER - and is she the source of YOUR feelings!
what to do? I don’t want to go to work - I’m not in the mood to do anything - I sit all day with headphones on, listening to music so as not to hear it. I come home depressed.
stop seeing WHAT YOU want to see and allow yourself to suffer from the same thing! realize and accept your experiences, grievances, and leave them to yourself to move through them, and NOT stop!
look for resources for yourself - how can you get pleasure and from what? find it!
If I used to make contact somehow, now I find myself starting to be mischievous too - I ignore (but in terms of politeness I remain a well-mannered person), I refuse help (today I refused the No-shpa pill, I preferred to get dressed and go to pharmacy).
and what prevents YOU from stopping ignoring? accept!!! help - You DO NOT accept help because you DO NOT accept your feelings yet! For what? Do YOU like to suffer like this? Why NOT love yourself so much? the conflict will be exactly as long as YOU see it! the choice is yours!
Maria, if you really decide to figure out what’s going on, feel free to contact me - call me - I’ll be glad to help you!
Good answer 0 Bad answer 209:50 14.12.2015
Any conflict at work can be neutralized with the help of certain speech techniques that will not only extinguish negativity, but also lead to fruitful cooperation. Psychologist Marina Prepotenskaya offers techniques for resolving conflict situations.
Life without conflicts, alas, is impossible: in business, in everyday life, in personal relationships. Conflict (translated from Latin as “clash”) is almost inevitable between people and its cause is often mutually opposed, incompatible needs, goals, attitudes, values...
Someone eagerly gets involved in a communication war and tries with all his might to prove he is right and win the conflict. Some people try to avoid rough edges and are sincerely perplexed as to why the conflict does not go away. And someone calmly neutralizes the problem without aggravating it and without wasting energy, strength, and health.
We should take it for granted: there were, are and will be conflicts, but either they control us or we control them.
Otherwise, even a minor situational conflict can develop into a protracted war that poisons life every day... Most often, the conflict manifests itself in verbal aggression, since experiences and emotions are always a strong muscle clamp, and primarily in the larynx area.
The result is a scream, an inadequate reaction, severe stress, and the emotional involvement of an increasing number of people in the conflict.
Learn to resolve conflicts using simple situational speech techniques. In relation to the boss and a colleague of the same rank, different strategies are chosen, but you need to act solely according to the situation. Remember the suggested methods.
Neutralize!
- Awareness of conflict:the first and most important stage of neutralization. Learn to rationally assess the situation. At the moment when you realize that a conflict is brewing, do not involve emotions under any circumstances, leave the line of attack. If the situation allows, leave the room for a while, even if you are in the boss’s office. If etiquette allows, you can calmly add: “Sorry, I don’t speak in that tone” or “We’ll talk when you calm down, sorry.” Walk along the corridor, if possible, wash yourself with cold water - in order to neutralize the aggression within yourself, at least for a couple of minutes switch to a series of abstract physical actions.
- Pattern break: eIf a colleague or boss shows aggression towards you, use a simple sensory switching manipulation. “Accidentally” drop your pen, cough, you can say something completely abstract, for example: “It’s so stuffy in our room...” So aggression does not achieve its goal.
- Agree and... attack with questions! This is one of the ways to break the conflict pattern when accusations are thrown at you from the lips of your superiors, and, alas, not groundlessly. Agree on all points (here it is important not to overact and control your emotions). And then... ask for help. Say: “It’s hard for me because...”, “I’m very worried, tell me what I need to fix,” “give me advice,” etc. Ask clarifying open-ended questions that require a detailed answer - they save the situation.
- Complementarity works wonders. Is the person, for one reason or another, against you? Consult with him on work issues, appealing to his competence and professionalism (look for all his strengths). It is quite possible that the incident will be resolved very soon.
- Sniper Technique:Pretend you didn’t hear and ask again indifferently. Use inin the event that one of your colleagues deliberately provokes you and openly offends you with some phrases. As a rule, a person begins to get lost. Say: “You see, you can’t even clearly formulate your complaints or explain them. When you find the words, then we’ll talk face-to-face.”
- Time to drink tea! Really,many conflicts can indeed be reduced to nothing through a conversation over a cup of tea. With a colleague who you think dislikes you, the best thing to do is to have an honest conversation and ask a series of questions. For example: “What about me irritates you? Voice? Manner of speaking? Clothes? Weight? Come on.Let's figure it out." This way, the conflict is translated into a constructive direction and, according to psychologists, this is the most civilized way of behavior. In a situation, if we feel that they dislike us, it is useful to find a convenient moment and have a heart-to-heart talk. Most often, conflicts are completely resolved this way. exhaust themselves, and in some cases we also learn to analyze our mistakes.
- Hit the enemy with his own weapon.You can explode in response and achieve a visible victory. But the result will be the same: instead of neutralization, there will be a chronic, protracted war: it is unlikely that you should spend time and effort on this. They can be directed to resolve the conflict.
Do not provoke and warn!
It's no secret that often we ourselves are to blame for conflicts. For example, you didn’t manage to submit an important report on time. In this case, it is best to approach your boss at the beginning of the day and say: “I understand that a conflict may occur, but such and such a situation happened to me.” And explain the reasons.
Such rhetoric can prevent the start of a “war.” Since the cause of every conflict is some incident or irritating factor, try to figure out what is happening, and in any situation (be it relationships with management, “ordinary” employees or subordinates) adhere to the golden rule of conflict management “I-statement.”
- Instead of blaming, convey your feelings. For example, say: “I feel uncomfortable” instead of: “You are nagging me, you are disturbing me, you are gossiping, etc.”
- If this is a showdown, say: “I’m worried, it’s difficult for me,” “I feel discomfort,” “I want to understand the situation,” “I want to find out.”
- It is very important to adapt to the experience of the person who initiates the conflict. If this is your boss, say the following phrases: “Yes, I understand you,” “This is a common problem,” “Yes, this upsets me too,” “Yes, unfortunately, this is a mistake, I think so too.”
It is extremely important to be able to listen and put yourself in a person’s place, to hear not so much what a person says, but to think why he says it that way.
In a boss-subordinate situation, a person can be brought to a rational level of communication by asking clarifying questions. This should be done if you are being picked on too much.
Are you being unfairly accused of being a bad employee? Confidently launch an attack with questions: “If I’m a bad worker, why are you telling me this right now?”, “Why am I a bad worker, explain to me.”
They tell you that you did a bad job - ask what exactly you didn’t do, clarify: “What exactly did I not do, I want to figure it out, I ask you: answer my question.” Remember that the one who asks the questions controls the conflict.
Complementing the image
Remember the main thing: in any conflict situation you must radiate calm. This will help you:
- confident intonation; Avoid notes of arrogance and irritation in your voice - such intonation in itself is conflict-generating. With those colleagues with whom you, for one reason or another, do not maintain friendly relations, choose a neutral-distance method of communication and a cold tone without deceitful sincerity (and without calling);
- a moderate rate of speech and a low timbre of voice are most pleasant to the ear. If you are talking to a person who does not have sympathy for you, adjust to his intonation and manner of speaking - this is favorable and neutralizes the desire to conflict;
- A glance at the area between the eyebrows in a conflict situation discourages the “attacker.” This optical focusing suppresses aggression;
- a straight (but not tense) back always puts you in a positive mood and gives you confidence. Psychologists say that straight posture increases self-esteem!
...It's no secret that conflict can be provoked by behavior, manner of speaking, dressing, lifestyle - the list goes on and on. All this depends on the worldview, upbringing of a person, his tastes, life attitudes and... internal problems.
In addition, there are words and topics that can ignite chronic conflict: politics, social status, religion, nationality, even age... Try not to touch on “sensitive” topics on fertile ground of conflict. For example, in a society of women with problems in their personal lives, it is advisable to brag less about their ideal husband...
You can create a list of warnings yourself by carefully assessing the atmosphere in the team. By the way, if you hear harsh phrases towards yourself, put your emotions aside, do not connect to the energy of the aggressor - simply ignore him.
Do you hear outright rudeness? Leave or neutralize, breaking the pattern.
Criticism to the point? Join in, speak words of support, if the situation allows, switch to complimentary language.
Unnecessary nitpicking? Go on the attack with clarifying, open-ended questions.
But the most important thing is to achieve inner peace. And, of course, never allow yourself to be drawn into “friendship against someone.” Show confidence, increase self-esteem, work on yourself - and you will be able to neutralize any negativity directed at yourself. And, what’s more, you can enjoy your work every day!
Read at your leisure
- Anatoly Nekrasov "Egregors"
- Eric Berne "Games People Play"
- Victor Sheinov "Conflicts in our lives and their resolution"
- Valentina Sergeecheva "Verbal karate. Strategy and tactics of communication"
- Lillian Glass "Verbal Self-Defense Step by Step"
Photo in text: Depositphotos.com