Hello dear readers. In this article I would like to tell you about such a human mental and spiritual gift as forgiveness.

This topic is relevant, because virtually all the people who turn to me for help suffer from hidden resentment. Modern environment Our existence with you often throws us into the embrasure of rudeness, hypocrisy, indifference and much more, from which it would be better for you and me to be clean and free.

It would seem that there is something incomprehensible here, he accepted and forgave, but practice shows that many simply do not know how to do this and cannot, therefore they carry resentment within themselves long years. Resentment is aggression restrained by us, and aggression tends to destroy its bearer from the inside, turning its sharp blades against him. Resentment is a derivative of guilt other people in front of us. Also, in some cases, it is possible to transform resentment into self-blame and vice versa.

Why do we need to forgive?

In order to forgive another person, it is first of all important to understand why this is necessary for you.

You need to forgive in order to heal yourself from resentment and aggression, as well as to avoid deterioration of relationships with other people, hostility and retaliation towards them. No wonder the Bible says: “He who sows the wind will reap the storm” (Book of the Prophet Hosea, Chapter 8, Art. 7). Considering that resentment very often develops into aggression and violence, then this wisdom is absolutely right. As soon as you respond with aggression in response to rudeness or discourtesy, there is a high probability of a mutual response, with an increase in rates in relation to you, and then this vicious circle, the most reasonable of the conflicting parties will be able to stop, or there is a high probability that you will move on to open confrontation (maybe even physical), or hostility. As an alternative to all this, there is the possibility of Forgiveness.

How to forgive another person.

Guilt and forgiveness are interrelated categories that go hand in hand, since we forgive those people who are guilty in our eyes.

More than anything else, forgiveness is like a generous gift we give to another person. In essence, it is a gift. This is a gift that comes from our generosity. Forgiveness is the victory of human generosity over evil and injustice.

By forgiving a person, you give him a chance to be different, to be better than he is now. You remove the stigma of a villain from him. By forgiveness we make ourselves and the world around us cleaner.

The opportunity to forgive another becomes feasible when we can understand this person, understand his position and the motive for the act he committed towards us. The basis of the evil committed by man very often lies deeply hidden, psychological reasons(the pain that deeply wounded him, the humiliation he experienced, perhaps some kind of moral flaw, which, for example, is a consequence of his stay in a hostile, deforming environment, which formed in him a lack of ability to empathize with other people). When a person becomes clear to us, it is easier for us to forgive him. It is difficult to forgive injustice committed against us, but it is already possible to forgive a person for his pain poured out on others in the form of rudeness or rudeness, for example, since we can understand and forgive someone else’s pain.

Of course, the most the best option Forgiving another is the case when a person who has offended us asks us for forgiveness. In this case, it is easiest for us to give him this gift (we can give him an order not to do this to other people and to us).

It is more difficult to forgive a person who does not see what he is doing. He can hurt people and not notice it. You can give him this inner gift of generosity, but in in this case, if this person cannot draw appropriate moral conclusions from the situation, then the phrase “Forgive and be forgiven” is more suitable here, since there is a great danger of being attacked again by this person.

You can try independent work, by forgiving those who are guilty before you. To do this, resort to the following psychological narrative practice:

1. Identify for yourself a situation or situations when someone did something wrong to you. Write them down on paper.
2. Decide for yourself why you need to forgive the person or people in the chosen situation. If you really decide to forgive, then move on to next point.
3. Remember and carefully describe on a piece of paper the event that happened to you. Try to be as honest and unbiased as possible. State the facts of the events that occurred and the words spoken by you and addressed to you, but do not blame anyone. It is important to look at the situation from the outside, without getting emotionally involved in it.
4. Think about what prompted another person to treat you this way and not others. Consider all possible and available sources of information, your thoughts and guesses about the motives of his action. Perhaps this person was tired, perhaps he had problems in his family and at work, perhaps he was sick, perhaps he was brought up in dysfunctional family etc.
5. On a piece of paper, write that you understand that the real nature of a person is kind and bright, but sometimes life traumatizes people in such a way that they become embittered, become worse, become corrupted, and not always and not everyone can resist pressure environment, for this you need to be truly strong, wise, generous, and strength does not come to everyone, not always and not in everything. Ask yourself the question, can you forgive a person for the weakness he has shown? Ask yourself the question: which people are perfect and are there such people? Ask yourself, are you strong enough to never offend anyone or sin? Most likely, you will come across the fact that you yourself are not ideal and admit the possibility that other people are not ideal either. Is it possible for a person to forgive his imperfections?
6. Think about what the work experience has brought you. Write down the thoughts that come into your head on a piece of paper. Perhaps you have begun to understand yourself and other people better, perhaps your resentment has begun to recede. Stay in this state for a while, noticing what comes to your mind and writing down these thoughts. Such work can last several days, possibly longer.
7. You can move on to the next item on the list. It often happens that when performing this exercise, we immediately take on the most difficult and painful situation for us. Co difficult situations, work is underway long time, to work through them, as a rule, you need a certain experience and emotional resource, so if you cannot forgive another person the first time, also move on to the next item, and return to the missed item later when you have dealt with less complex situations on your list.

Why do we need to ask other people for forgiveness?

Asking for forgiveness from another person is necessary in order to free yourself from the burden of guilt, shame and fear. After all, if a person is guilty before another person, he experiences a feeling of guilt in front of him and himself, fear for his reputation and shame for what he has done. If we have done something wrong to someone, then we need to ask him for forgiveness in order to maintain a relationship with this person. It is not always possible to preserve them in their original, untainted form, but at least the possibility of communication will be preserved and further establishment of relations to the previous level. The apology made and the forgiveness received largely eliminates further hostility and aggressiveness in the relationship, and the admitted guilt makes the conscience of the person who asked for forgiveness clearer.

How to ask for forgiveness?

Sometimes we ourselves have to ask for forgiveness, and in this situation, we may experience guilt towards ourselves, shame towards another person or people and fear (for our reputation, fear of the reaction of the people around you to what happened). It is better to ask for forgiveness immediately after realizing your guilt, not to be stubborn, trying to convince yourself that you are right and trying to drown out the voice of conscience, but to overcome your pride and shame, and approach with an apology and a request for forgiveness to the one to whom you have offended. Sometimes, if the degree of emotions is high, it is worth waiting until the storm in this person’s heart calms down somewhat, and only then approach him with a request for forgiveness.
Asking for forgiveness is a practice that allows you to acknowledge the violation of rules and norms, restore peace and good relations.
If we talk about the classic form of how forgiveness should be asked, it looks like this:

1. Expressing regret about what happened.
2. Admitting your wrongdoings and guilt.
3. Recognition of a person's right to feel towards you negative emotions(resentment, anger, rage, etc.).
4. Asking for forgiveness.
5. Offer for damages.

How to forgive yourself?

It also happens that we have to forgive ourselves. This happens, for example, when you miss some chance that is important to you, or do something that does not fit into your ideas about yourself. As a rule, a person reproaches himself for his misdeeds very for a long time, causing great suffering, he feels guilt and shame, therefore, it is very important to be able to show generosity towards himself too. Don’t put the stamp of a loser on yourself (or any other stamp), but draw appropriate conclusions from the situation that happened, improve yourself and responsibly do the best that you can and know how, using the new experience you have gained. Life will definitely give you more chances to show yourself in the right way. Remember that we all learn by making mistakes, and by learning from them, we become better, more perfect, more effective.

In order to forgive yourself, you can do the following narrative practice.

1. Determine what exactly you want to forgive yourself for. Make a list and choose the item where you want to start your internal work over forgiving yourself.
2. Think about it: do you really want to forgive yourself? If you have doubts, then write down on paper point by point what self-forgiveness can bring into your life, and separately what role non-forgiveness plays in your life. If, based on what has been written, there are more compelling reasons to forgive yourself, then re-read them regularly throughout the work on forgiving yourself. If you have doubts, put off this work until another time.
3. Describe as carefully as possible (preferably on a piece of paper) the event that led you to feelings of guilt. Try to be as unbiased and objective as possible. Try not to engage in self-blame and self-justification.
4. Out loud (if the situation allows) or in writing, express your regret about what happened. Recognize that you, like any other person, are imperfect and capable of making mistakes. If you are a believer, then you can ask God to forgive you for what you have done and help you accept yourself for who you are. Reflect on what positive work you have done has brought into your life. Perhaps in the course of your reflections you have learned something new, perhaps now you understand other people and yourself better, because forgiveness gives us a chance to become wiser and better.
5. If this is possible for you, ask for forgiveness from the participants in the events - this is the most the right way. It’s better if you do this live, but if for some reason this is impossible for you, then you can write a letter to the person you want to apologize to, it’s not necessary to send it, but it’s very important to express your regret, thus crossing the Rubicon between your “ old" life and life when you repented of what you did and new lesson, which will allow you from now on to be better than you were before.
6. You can choose the next item on your list. If the work done on any item (situation) did not bring you much relief, move on to the next item on the list, return to the unworked item after you have dealt with the remaining situations.

Conclusion.

Forgiveness is the phenomenon that allows us to be people, not just people, but generous and strong people. Only man can forgive strong-willed. It is about people who know how to forgive and ask for forgiveness that they say that dirt does not stick to the pure. It is people who know how to forgive and who know how to admit that they are wrong that can achieve heights that are inaccessible to people who do not know how to do this, since they are less tormented by resentment, guilt and their own conscience. In general, people who know how to forgive and ask for forgiveness are much healthier and their background anxiety is often lower than that of people who do not know how to do this.

I hope this article was interesting and useful to you.

Sincerely!
Psychologist of the Center Family Help"Family Energy"
Alkhimenko Ilya Alexandrovich.

There are practically no ideal relationships between a man and a woman. But almost every person is exactly like this ideal relationship and expects in his case. Therefore, when a conflict arises in a relationship, all this is perceived unexpectedly and very painfully.

Let's take a closer look at the situation without looking for the specific culprit of the conflict between two people.

What changes occur in a person’s consciousness after a conflict has occurred?

Your close person occupied in the conflict THE OPPOSITE POSITION TO YOU. Now your brain has begun to perceive your loved one as a “potential enemy,” that is, as a person who in some way can interfere with the successful existence of your body. This is the most important task for the brain (survival).

What will be expressed in the fact that your brain will begin to perceive your loved one as "potential enemy?"

The main task of the brain (“biocomputer”) is to ensure the most successful existence (“survival”) of the organism.

Throughout life experience images of people of two categories will be recorded in the brain’s memory:

- people who contribute to a successful existence are friends, good acquaintances (“potential friends”).

- people who hinder (or may hinder) our successful existence. Are they enemies or"potential adversaries".

After a conflict has occurred, the brain perceives the image of a loved one as the image of a “potential enemy.” Any conflict is actually possible problem for our successful existence.

Information about “potential opponents” is the most important for the brain. Because this information DIRECTLY related to the safety of our successful existence (survival) in the environment .

Based on this, when your loved one is nearby (close), the brain begins to intensively scan information about the conflict that happened to him earlier. The brain spends a lot of mental energy on this enhanced scanning. As a result, there is very little free mental energy left in the brain. And this is expressed in irritability, inability to concentrate, a decrease in the overall tone of the body, and a decrease in mood. All these are signs of a lack of mental energy.

Now, after the conflict, your brain, perceiving your loved one as a “potential enemy,” spends too much mental energy in his presence. The daily supply of psychic energy quickly runs out. In general, even when a loved one is not around, you will feel low level mental energy in all life manifestations (both physiological and psychological).

By the way, exactly the same thing happens in the minds of your loved one after the conflict that happened to you. Even if it is outward and imperceptible.

Over time this strong effect increased consumption of psychic energy will decrease, but not completely. In our minds, the past conflict has practically exhausted itself. But our brain is a perfect analytical tool. Our consciousness exists in energetic form - separate from the brain ( proven by scientists). Our “biocomputer” (brain) is a unique device with a unique memory. The memory of “potential adversaries” does not disappear anywhere. A particularly increased consumption of psychic energy will occur (and be observed in your sensations) in those moments when some contradictions or conflicts on any occasion begin to arise between you and a loved one again.

The brain’s memory that a loved one is a “potential enemy” has not disappeared. And therefore, subsequent contradictions that arise between you will develop into a complex conflict much faster, and the conflicts themselves will be perceived much more sharply and harshly!

What to do if a conflict has already occurred?

The only sure way out of this detrimental situation for relationships is to make sure that your brain (and the brain of your loved one) stops perceiving your loved one as a “potential enemy.” This is the only way to prevent too much and rapid consumption of your vital (mental) energy, as well as to avoid a sharp negative reaction to emerging life contradictions in the future (who doesn’t have them?).

The reason your brain began to perceive a loved one as a “potential enemy” was past conflict. The only one universal method, which will eliminate everything forever Negative consequences conflict that occurred earlier, this is to apologize, ask for forgiveness from a loved one (boyfriend, girl or man). Moreover, without considering the situation in that light: who is to blame and who is not to blame for the conflict that occurred. Apologize at least for the fact that this conflict occurred at all (between you as close people). Apologize, ask for forgiveness for the fact that you could not (after all, you couldn’t?) keep the situation from creating a conflict in your relationship, and thereby allowed this conflict. Apologize for " MAYBE”, you could be wrong or turn out to be wrong in the future (not all of us are wise men).

After your apology, the reason that your brain began to perceive your loved one as a “potential enemy” has been exhausted. The conflict is over with a “full stop” at the end. Both yours and your loved one’s brain have STOPPED spending a lot of mental energy on scanning this already completed past conflict.

Both you and your loved one feel relieved. This, in essence, was the release of a significant amount of psychic energy from unnecessary and increased expenditure on scanning the past conflict. You, in fact, gave yourself and your loved one this vital (psychic) ​​energy. This will be directly felt in a feeling of relief, increased mood, increased overall physical tone, clarity and precision of thought and in all other manifestations of life. Because high mental energy manifests itself directly in the high speed of information processing by the brain. And all our life processes (both psychological and physiological) depend on this.

Thus, YOU HAVE SOLVED THIS ISSUE! EXACTLY you!

Is it worth and necessary to ask for forgiveness and apologize if it is not your fault?

But who should apologize first? “After all, it is he (a) who is to blame for the conflict that occurred!!! Let him/her ask for forgiveness first.”

The one who is on this moment more reasonable and wiser than the time, he should ask for forgiveness first, despite his “rightness”. But why me"?

Yes, because the one who apologizes:

Firstly: decides a very important problem for both in the relationship. It eliminates the problem of perceiving a loved one as a “potential enemy.”

Secondly , the one who asks for forgiveness first gains very important in the eyes of a loved one. After all, in essence (and in fact) HE SOLVES the problem that has arisen. Decides on his own initiative. so, he releases a large number of psychic energy as a result of solving the problem. It is in this capacity that your loved one will now associate you (and NOT as a “potential enemy”).

This is how the brain will work, the work of which is based on the principle of associative perception. The one who apologizes gains significance and value in front of a loved one.

But there is one condition here. An apology should not sound self-deprecating, like: "Please forgive me! I'm such a nobody! I don’t deserve you!”

With such an apology, you do NOT gain significance in the eyes of your loved one, but rather the opposite. You even upset him/her. What actually happens? Did your man choose you to be so insignificant and unworthy of himself or what?!

Acceptable apology:

"I'm sorry! Perhaps I was wrong. Let's not allow such conflicts anymore. Let's try not to let this happen again. Fine?"

The person who asks for forgiveness first (even if he is not to blame) understands that he is able to manage the situation in a relationship! And this is very expensive. And second (to whom are they apologizing?) remains a passive participant in this situation and does not increase its significance and value in front of a loved one. If a person apologizes first, this is a manifestation of his will and mind!

Essentially, based on overall result, then: the one who apologizes first is right. Because HE ACQUIRES positive qualities for himself.

Let's draw a general conclusion:

The one who asks for forgiveness first:

- releases one’s own mental energy and the mental energy of a loved one;

- increases your significance (value) in the eyes of a loved one;

- gains experience and the ability to manage in difficult situations.

……………………………………….

- A not very reasonable person does NOT apologize even when he realized that he was wrong.

- Clever man will ask for forgiveness if he understands that he was wrong in the conflict that occurred.

- Man of sense will try by all means to avoid conflict.

But if a conflict does occur and a person apologizes, even if he is NOT to blame (!), then this will be a manifestation of his wisdom! (if you think wrong, write a reasonable comment, author - S. Amalanov).

Why apologize and ask for forgiveness if it’s not your fault?!

There are at least two things worth asking for forgiveness for:

1) Apologize for the fact that you ALLOWED the conflict itself to arise.

2) Ask for forgiveness for the possible possibility that you could be wrong in something (after all, you are not God, after all?!).

All other options for developing relationships that do NOT include apologies after quarrels and conflicts have occurred will inevitably lead to insoluble problems in the relationship between two close people, since a negative memory of a loved one (as a “potential enemy”) has the same property as a positive one memory, namely: any information and emotions ACCUMULATE and will act with an ever-increasing reaction to the presence of a close (or not so close) person! Or such a negative reaction will manifest itself even just at the thought of him.

LET'S SUMMARY:

Or

1. You resolve the conflict; eliminate the consequences of conflict for both people in the relationship.

1. Either you choose the position of a little offended boy or a little offended girl.

And sentences such as: “And he (s) was the first to start!” can be heard in kindergarten, well, back in elementary school.

………………………………………

Excerpt from a lecture by O. G. Torsunov (I RECOMMEND THE AUTHOR!)

Torsunov O. G.:

And if you had a fight with your husband, then don’t worry at all. Or they got into a fight, for example. Just come as soon as you have “moved away” and immediately ask for forgiveness. It doesn’t matter whether you feel guilty or not. Straightaway. Because when a person gets angry, HE IS ALREADY GUILTY! Just come as soon as you have “moved away” and immediately ask for forgiveness. And it will all end right there. Because a person can fall under the influence of these enemies. Let’s say a woman often: “Why did you look at her?!” You see, if energy comes from a woman that attracts consciousness in men, what can a man do about it? Women, especially, open everything ( body parts), how not to look? Very hard. So why scold him? Well, there he was, as if his eyes were “attracted”, attracted by someone. Well, sometimes you have to do something.

Or, let’s say, a man started saying something like that, and the woman listened. A woman always believes in a man's intelligence. Why blame a woman for this?! No need to be too jealous. In this world, it is not man who controls, but energies who control everything. Therefore, it is natural that people succumb to the influence of these energies.

…,………….

That is, in general, asking for forgiveness does not hurt if, for example, you yourself are to blame. A person always feels that the relationship is tense, but there is no serious principle that you must fulfill in front of the person for his own good, then it is always good to ask for forgiveness. A serious principle is, for example, treason. This is some kind of chaos. You know, there can be chaos in relationships. Then you need to keep your distance. Well, if you just had a fight, when people quarrel, husband and wife, the husband always and everywhere feels that he is right, and the wife feels that she is right. And this truth - male and female - cannot be changed. Women will always have a woman's truth, a man will always have a man's truth. But the person who first asks for forgiveness is in fact more right, because he is trying to save the family, save the relationship.

Or the person who asks for forgiveness increases the energy of love in the relationship, and the one who forgives does the same. Or a person has enough strength to ask for forgiveness, he asks. Or he has the strength to simply forgive, and he forgives. But if someone follows the principle just because “my truth is still better,” then the family is destroyed. Raise your hand who destroyed a family simply because he decided that “My truth is better” and proved it to the last. There are such people? Here you are. It happens. This is very dangerous. Because a loved one breaks down, leaves, and that’s it. And then it is very difficult to save the family.

There are at least five reasons explaining the benefits of the phrase: “It’s my fault, please forgive me.”

1. These words help the person offended by you to feel the objectivity of their feelings.
2. They help improve relationships. A person who was previously considered indifferent and insensitive begins to be perceived as a person worthy of trust.
3. This phrase helps a person move on without returning again and again to past grievances.
4. Since asking for forgiveness involves humility, perhaps this experience will serve as a deterrent to prevent the offender from making a similar mistake again.
5. Improving relationships will help restore trust in the future.

It is not only the words that make up the request for forgiveness that are important, but also how we pronounce them. Demanding forgiveness or asking a third party to ask for forgiveness on our behalf only makes the situation worse. A person who asks for forgiveness against his will also cannot be considered fully repentant.

STEP 1: declare your intentions

Take full responsibility for the trouble you cause. You shouldn't think, "I would never have done this if she hadn't been the first to act provocatively." Just as you place responsibility for your words, feelings, or actions on other people or circumstances, the world will control you.

Remember that every person strives for self-government and self-regulation and at the same time resists it. It is for this reason that you can achieve your goal only by spending critical analysis their personal qualities.

You might say, “Tanya, last week I did something I’m not proud of. I did it, and I want you to know that I realized my mistake."

STEP 2: Express sympathy

Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Although it's easier said than done, try to find suitable words to tell you about your mistake. This will let the person know that you are aware of the cause of their pain. You might ask yourself, “How would I feel or think if this happened to me?” Tell your feelings to the person you offended.

For example, you can use one, more, or all of the following phrases:

1. I understand that you feel betrayed.
2. I feel like my behavior has disappointed and confused you.
3. If I were you, I would feel upset and humiliated. This is true?
4. I think you think I don't care about you.

Please note that all these thoughts are expressed in the form of questions or assumptions, and not categorical statements. No one wants to be told how they should feel; this could be seen as an attempt to evaluate what is happening. Understanding, on the contrary, implies a careful study of the situation and the creation of an objective picture of what happened. Be aware of the difference between these two approaches.

STEP3: Be careful when you make promises.

It would be careless of you to say, “I promise this will never happen again. I promise I will never hurt you again." This is almost impossible, since we all have flaws and live in an imperfect world.

It is much better to say: “I will try my best to never hurt or offend you.”

You should always have the noblest goals in mind. You should not mechanically perform all these steps in order to disarm your victim and thereby create the opportunity to make the same mistake again. Needs careful study own intentions to avoid the appearance of hidden targets. If you discover such hidden goals in yourself, reveal them and change your behavior.

STEP4: Give the person you hurt the biggest gift

You must give the person you have offended the opportunity to forgive you. Yes, yes, your request for forgiveness should be sincere and meek. I'm not asking you to ask for forgiveness on your knees, but your partner should feel that you really care about their forgiveness.

The words "I'm sorry" And“Sorry” is not enough, because in this case you are putting your wishes first! Any sentence beginning with a first person pronoun will refer primarily to you.

But the person you hurt wants to make sure you realize your mistake. If you casually throw out "I'm sorry" or "I'm sorry about what happened last week," you're focusing on yourself. Most people will tell you, “It's okay,” without taking your apology seriously.

However, you will not be able to resolve In a similar way unpleasant situation and regain lost trust and respect, although this is precisely your main goal.

You could say it another way:

1. Could you forgive a person like me?
2. Do you think you can ever forgive me for hurting you?
3. I understand that I have lost your trust, but I want you to know that our relationship is important to me. Could you forgive me in time?

Most people are willing to forgive if your request for forgiveness is sincere. If trust is restored, the relationship becomes even better than before.

Why? I can only assume that as people work through challenges together, their relationships become more sincere, direct, and secure. We prove to ourselves and each other that we are stronger than any problems and obstacles. Just as steel is tempered by fire and hammer blows, relationships become stronger over time if there is respect in them.

However, you may encounter obstacles to correcting the situation, since the person may refuse to forgive you. This is the worst case scenario. The person offended by you is unable to cope with his pain. Resentment, anger and desire fair retribution may overfill it. Most people are willing to forgive gradually, one percent per day.

With those who refuse to forgive you, you can demonstrate what I call “courageous vulnerability,” where you open up to the other person, asking for their forgiveness, while at the same time understanding that you risk rejection.

Directly asking for forgiveness ends the cycle for which you are personally responsible. This does not mean that you cannot again ask this person to forgive you. Every time you ask for forgiveness, you improve in your spiritual development!

Many of us lack courage because defense mechanisms protect us from such a hardening experience. Our ego tells us: “Don't let this happen. These people are to blame for everything. Your anger must be stronger and longer than their anger.” Some abusers even manage to impersonate and behave like their victims, and the victims begin to think that it is their own fault that they are being mistreated.

For example, a friend who constantly gives unnecessary advice. When you finally decide to ask him to stop giving advice, your friend may become offended, saying, “I'm trying my best to help you, and here's your thanks!” In such cases, a sense of humor and common sense will play big role in a relationship.

Some ask to be taught how to forgive an offender. According to the teachings of Christ, one must ask for forgiveness at least three times. If you continue to be rejected, then let that person go with the thought, “Bless him and help me become a better person.” Those who refuse to forgive feel the need to constantly feel their resentment, so that if it were not for you, they would find another person to darken their lives.

Ask for forgiveness at least three times, remembering that you will receive exactly what you ask for and will not receive anything you choose not to mention. Also remember that asking for forgiveness does not in itself guarantee that you will be forgiven. You have to stop offending people. This is the law of life.

STEP 5: How can I make amends?

If you made it to step five, you're in luck. The other person has either agreed to try to forgive you, or you have already achieved complete forgiveness. In response, you should ask him the question: “What can I do to make amends?”

If a person has already begun to forgive you, most likely he will answer: “It’s okay, forget about it. You don't have to do anything." However, this is his point of view. You must do two things. Firstly, never commit such offenses again, and secondly, in any case, do something nice to this person. It's time for chocolates and flowers!

STEP6: Go back to your problem

Several weeks have passed, and relations have gradually begun to improve. Therefore, you can return to the problem again to check whether the friendship has actually been restored. You may think this step is too methodical, but it is not. You must make a conscious effort because the goal is to purposefully create a strong relationship that eliminates the possibility of you not fulfilling your obligations.

Our brain believes that we are always right. Confession own mistake creates Why It's Hard to Admit to Being Wrong the cognitive dissonance. We think we will look weak and our self-esteem suffers. Refusing to apologize can have psychological benefits (and we issue no mea culpa for this research finding). And we try to justify ourselves at all costs.

Among the least important is the explanation of the reason, since it often looks more like a regular justification.

Ask for forgiveness when meeting in private. Choose a quiet place where you will not be disturbed.

Just take your time Better Late Than Early: The Influence of Timing on Apology Effectiveness. If you ask for forgiveness during a conflict or immediately after it, the apology will seem insincere: the emotions are too strong. Wait until everyone calms down and thinks about what happened.

Follow the rules

A dry, casually thrown “sorry” is not enough. But you don’t need to be too zealous. In addition, there are no guarantees that you will be forgiven. Therefore, prepare yourself and follow simple rules.

1. Be sincere. Show what really happened.
2. Don't make excuses. It's your fault. Dot. You should not anger your interlocutor by trying to shift responsibility.
3. Don't use any buts. They will automatically turn your apology into an excuse or even criticism of your interlocutor.
4. Focus on what you did. “I’m sorry that my words offended you!” - doesn't really sound like a sincere apology, does it? Ask for forgiveness for your actions, not for how the person perceived them. For example: “Sorry for calling you rashly bad specialist. I'm sorry. This won't happen again."
5. Don't blame others. If there are several offenders, do not focus on this.
6. Don't be sorry myself. First of all, you should think about the feelings of the offended person, and not about your own. Express your regret, but don't describe your suffering.
7. Don't expect immediate forgiveness and don't push. The phrase “Well, I’ve already apologized 15 times!” forget it. Sometimes the victim needs time.
8. Back up your words with actions.. Correct the mistake if you promised, and do not repeat it. IN otherwise your apology makes no sense.

Take care of yourself

Remember that admitting a mistake and asking for forgiveness does not make you weak. To step over yourself and accept responsibility for the harm caused, you must have courage. You may even be able to benefit from this - learn to think about your actions.

How often do we apologize during the day? They said something rude to a loved one because bad mood; accidentally stepped on a neighbor’s foot in the subway; they wanted to clarify the route from a passerby - and conciliatoryly began the phrase with “I beg your pardon.”

Austrian linguist R. Rathmayr notes: “Apologies serve to present the speaker as polite person, recognizing social norms" It would seem, why add “sorry” when we address someone on the street? In order not to automatically classify an apology as verbal garbage, it should be recognized that even with such a banal everyday situation we invade the personal sphere and distract the person. And neutral politeness in any case - good helper in establishing communication.

Reitmar also believes that “an apology is a procedure for restoring order and is therefore at the same time a sign of a violation of a norm.” But which of us likes to admit that we were wrong?

There is an opinion that if we ask for forgiveness from the person we offended, we will feel better. However, research by social psychologist Tyler G Okimoto refutes this view.

It turns out that we feel much better when we don't apologize, even if we were really at fault. Such rebellion brings us much greater satisfaction, strengthens the feeling self-esteem and, so to speak, gives control over our lives: we ourselves determine the line of our behavior, and not another person or the norms of politeness.

This can be understood: I apologize to you - accordingly, I realize that I am wrong, therefore, you have the power to either forgive me or condemn me. I'm waiting for your decision and I'm not free. By apologizing, I am doomed to feel guilty, regardless of the outcome.

Although many people are reluctant to ask for forgiveness, we recognize that apologizing is a constructive practice. To apologize means to prevent possible conflict: I was offended, but they apologized, and I have no need to be offended.

Apology for individual level can restore lost harmony and even lower blood pressure levels. In a more global context, public apologies are still a powerful means of diplomacy. It must be remembered that apologies are difficult for people with weak self-esteem, so the ability to ask for forgiveness is an indicator of personality maturity.

Jennifer Robbennolt, a professor of law and psychology at the University of Illinois, says common sense tells us that a defendant's apology before the investigation is completed can be harmful because it amounts to an admission of guilt. At the same time, apologies can play a role positive role in the outcome of the case.

Robbennolt studied the behavior of more than 500 people during conflict resolution negotiations, from which the professor concluded that an apology helped reach an agreement and reduce the amount of financial compensation.

But it is important not only that you asked for forgiveness in principle, but also how you did it. Showing sympathy, but at the same time abdicating responsibility for what you have done in the spirit of “I’m sorry you feel bad” is not The best way: As Robbennolt notes, this will only disturb the existing trauma and escalate the conflict.

Do children want to apologize?

When we teach a child to apologize and assure that this will make him happier, we are disingenuous: it will not be easier for him, but for the one he offended. And if voluntary admission of mistakes brings us at least some profit, then forcing an apology has nothing to do with relief: children feel vulnerable and do not want to apologize on command.

But a kind of blackmail works: if every time a child does something unseemly, he is forced to ask for forgiveness, the next time he will think about whether it is worth pinching his desk neighbor or taking toys away from him. younger brother. Almost reflexive self-control is developed: if you don’t want an attack on your freedom, behave decently. But is it worth resorting to such a remedy?

According to research, children are already aged four years are able to understand the emotional consequences of an apology. They understand that by asking for forgiveness for a wrongdoing, they will lift the spirits of someone who is upset. In addition, they themselves prefer to interact with those who are willing to admit their mistakes rather than with unrepentant bullies.

This is illustrated by a simple experiment in which two groups of children took part, each with 4 first-graders. In both groups, the child did not share toys with others; only in one group did he apologize for his greed, but in the other he did not. In the group where the apology was made, the children rated the offender as more nice person and felt better psychologically.

Well, apologizing may not take away our sadness, but it does allow us to view the apologizer positively. And if he also tries to correct the situation, we can even count on regaining the lost calm.

But does this mean we should teach children to apologize?

Apology: “secular hypocrisy” or the practice of humanity?

American group social psychologists decided to conduct a study that was supposed to clarify why parents teach or, on the contrary, do not teach children to ask for forgiveness. For this purpose, 483 parents with children aged 3 to 10 years were selected, with the majority of the subjects being women.

96% of parents believe it is important for their children to ask for forgiveness if they intentionally upset someone. Moreover, many are ready to remind the child that he should apologize, because, in their opinion, this helps instill responsibility, increases empathy and allows him to successfully cope with a difficult situation.

88% of parents agreed that it is important to apologize even when the offense was caused unintentionally. In this case, parents subconsciously want to save their children from the shadow that an, albeit random, but nevertheless unpleasant act casts on them.

5% of parents are sure that apologies are nothing more than empty words.

This last result is particularly interesting: the same topic is discussed in the article “Why we should not force a child to apologize” by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, a psychologist and author of books on natural parenting.

She regards an apology as a consequence of empathy: by asking for forgiveness, we seem to share the pain of the person we offended. In children younger age As a rule, empathy is poorly developed. It turns out that they are asking for forgiveness for something that they cannot yet understand; “I’m sorry” for them is nothing more than an indulgence, freeing them from parental anger or the censure of others.

A fun guide to types of apologies in Japan.

It turns out that an apology trades true empathy for a liberating lie. “Do you want your child to learn to lie?” - Ockwell-Smith asks provocatively. Instead of being forced to say “sorry,” the psychologist suggests teaching children by example: let parents who notice that their child has pushed another apologize to the offended person. And then, when they are alone with their child, they will discuss the situation in a calm tone.

But, if we start from Ockwell-Smith’s thoughts, it turns out that all norms of politeness are complete hypocrisy. Is it when we say hello that we wish for health? And when we leave the routine “goodbye”, do we always dream of the next meeting? Yes, perhaps these are “empty words,” but they help start a conversation and demonstrate a friendly attitude towards the interlocutor. If we do not greet a person, it means that by refusing a greeting, we are signaling to him about our offense / contempt / reckless disregard for the conventions of etiquette. You can break the rules, but to do this you need to know them.

So, instead of blindly teaching in what situations to ask for forgiveness, wouldn’t it be easier to create a safe atmosphere in which the child would feel confident enough to offer a sincere apology if he offended someone?

Admitting your mistakes is the practice of humanity. It is an acknowledgment that we are not perfect machines, programmed to do what is right, and are not immune to error.

It's not easy, but if you want to learn how to sincerely apologize, Denise D. Cummins, in Seven Powerful Ideas That Shape the Way We Think, says to first recognize that an apology is a message for the wronged party. It means not only that you are a living person with the right to make mistakes, but also that you do not deny another the right to attention and support, because he is a person just like you.

Secondly, remember: people who demand an apology from you do not need it, but your submission. Submitting and needing support are two different things.