Greetings, my friends! 
Has it ever happened to you that you “stepped on the throat of your own song” so that those around you (or some special person) didn't think badly of you? Surely it happened. It's an extremely common occurrence where we try to look "good" to other people and do things that we wouldn't do under other circumstances. Of course, no one wants to show the unsightly side of themselves, however, quite often it happens that in an effort to please everyone, a person loses his individuality. But this is already serious!
How does the “be good” attitude arise?
Very often we are taught to “be good” from childhood. This happens especially often in families 
where parents are focused on certain “social standards” and rules. AND public opinion is for them a very serious indicator of their importance and weight in society. "What will people say?" – one of the most important parameters that they focus on in their lives. Naturally, when raising a child, this is also taken as a basis. “Don’t run!”, “Don’t shout!”, “Don’t get into a puddle!”, “Don’t ask stupid questions!” etc. But a child cannot become a static doll who will sit decorously on a chair with her hands folded on her knees. Children hear the voice of their Soul much better and strive to explore the world in all its diversity. But “proper adults” constantly scold for this. And gradually the child understands that you can just pretend to be a good boy and pretend that you are quiet and obedient. Then the adults will be satisfied, praise and leave behind.
And this is how, from childhood, a subconscious attitude is implanted in us that “you need to be good!” – if you meet the expectations of others, a reward awaits you – approval. And if you don’t justify it, then you are “bad”! This attitude is very powerful. But can it be unambiguously attributed to negative attitudes? But here everything is not so simple!
Roles and masks
On the one hand, of course, the desire to please everyone can deprive you of your individuality. And this very often happens if a person is weak enough as an individual and needs approval from others. If your subconscious program“being good” is superimposed on low, then you can even completely lose yourself under all those masks that you put on 
depending on the situation. Moreover, these masks can be very different for the same person. For example, a teenager in the company of his friends can behave very rudely and cheekily, fearing ridicule from friends and accusations like “mama’s boy.” And the same teenager, coming home, becomes an “exemplary child” in order to avoid the displeasure of his parents.
As you age, these masks tend to “fuse” with you so firmly that you stop perceiving and feeling them as masks. If a child or teenager is most often aware that he is pretending to be good in order to avoid punishment or censure, then an adult quite often simply gets used to behaving “correctly” to the extent that he continues to do “the right thing” without thinking whether this is what he himself needs.
Such a desire to “be good” can lead to completely absurd situations in which a person would never have found himself if not for the attitude of “following decency.” Well, for example, a situation when a girl on the eve of her wedding 
suddenly realizes that she does not love her fiancé and does not want to marry him. But! The restaurant has been booked, the dress has been purchased, and the guests have been invited. It is indecent to refuse! It would be such a scandal and shame! And in order for everything to look “no worse than others,” she connects her life with someone she doesn’t love, essentially depriving herself of the opportunity to find true happiness in love. In the same way, many spouses live in marriage literally hating each other, but do not divorce because “it is bad, wrong and indecent.”
We have already considered the extreme manifestations of the “be good” attitude. But even in ordinary life, it can quite spoil your life if it is not recognized in time.
Not the institute where you would like to go to study? But prestigious! Not the job you'd like to do? But it's a reputable company! Not the guy you like? But eligible bachelor and from a good family!
So gradually - one thing, another, a third... You look, and you’re no longer living your life at all.
Not “to be good”, but to be yourself!
But this quality also has another side - productive. If you don’t get hung up on being good to everyone, then this desire to gain the approval of people who are significant and valued to you stimulates you to work on yourself and self-improvement. And this is already very productive - because you now strive to BE, and not to SEEM. That is, you really change yourself, and don’t pretend.
As you can see, friends, it is necessary to maintain a balance here, not allowing this attitude to depersonalize you and hide you behind masks, but using it as an incentive for development. How to do this practically? Well, of course, using . Monitor your behavior. Ask yourself: “Who am I doing this for? Do I want this myself, or am I doing this to create a better impression of myself?” Usually this state is easy to track, because at this moment you yourself do not want what you are depicting.
Work with your belief that you need to be good to everyone. I wrote about how to work through beliefs.
But there is no need to go to the other extreme - to deny all decency and not give a damn about 
other people's opinions. In order to live in harmony with yourself, you do not need to oppose yourself to the rest of the world. Struggle has never been and never will be a way to find happiness.
And, of course, this the most important step in eliminating the “be good” attitude! If your self-esteem is high enough, you no longer need anyone's approval. You yourself know very well that you are good!
So, if you now realize that you often live and act in a way that is not at all what you would like, work on yourself:
- track situations in which you try to “be good”;
- try to understand how you yourself would like to act in this situation;
- identify the beliefs that cause you to act against your true desires
- label these beliefs as “constraining”;
- replace them positive beliefs with help (for example, “I always do as my Soul tells me!” or “I harmonious personality and I follow my Path”, etc.);
- live consciously, tracking your behavior and analyzing it - do not let yourself “put on the mask of goodness” again.
This is how you can gradually come back to your Soul and find your unique individuality!
Your Ekaterina :))
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M. QUEEN: Hello! This is the Let's Go! program. I'm Marina Koroleva. Can teenagers be good? – this is the topic we are discussing today. And let’s try to do this using the example of several countries at once, including Russia, Holland and, possibly, India. Nelly Litvak, teacher higher mathematics at the University of Twente - this is Holland for us, author of the book “Our good teenagers" Nellie, hello!
N. LITVAK: Hello!
M. KOROLEVA: Well, look - I open the book and see. Introduction: “My name is Nelly, I’m 38 years old, I’m a mathematician, I live in Holland, I work at one of the Dutch universities. I have two daughters, the eldest is 16 and the youngest is 4.” It's like that? Or has something already changed?
N. LITVAK: The eldest is 17 and the youngest is 5.
M. KOROLEVA: How long have you been living in Holland? Well, to understand the situation.
N. LITVAK: I have been living in Holland for 11 years.
M. KOROLEVA: And all this time you have been working there at the University, right?
N. LITVAK: Yes, at first I did my dissertation there for three years and only did scientific work. Since 2002, I have been teaching Dutch students and, accordingly, also doing scientific work. But I still have a lot now teaching activities.
M. KOROLEVA: I’ll just tell our listeners right away that this book, “Our Good Teenagers,” is written in Russian and, as I understand it, written mainly for Russian parents. The book hasn't been translated, has it?
N. LITVAK: no.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, it is for us. Here it is for us! But the only thing is that somehow the thesis “our good teenagers”, with such a statement and with the emphasis on the word “good”, it immediately confused me a little. Because here I began to remember myself, my friends’ conversations about their teenage children, and I thought: “Oh my God! This is actually the most unfortunate time! When you're a teenager, when you're no longer Small child, but when you are not an adult yet, you are simply unhappy! And yet, here I read that, according to statistics, Dutch children are the happiest in the world. I'm sorry, isn't this a stretch?
N. LITVAK: no, this is not a stretch at all. I think there was a UNICEF study in 2006, and they were among 21 developed country the world conducted research among teenagers about how happy they are. There were several indicators - education, health, safety, welfare - well, we are really talking about countries Western Europe, America, that is enough high level well-being – and interviews with the teenagers themselves. And Holland came out on top. Dutch teenagers are statistically truly the happiest teenagers in the world.
M. KOROLEVA: Still, we take the factor of material well-being, their security, and so on, or is this conclusion drawn on the basis, indeed, of their own words? Do they recognize themselves as the happiest?
N. LITVAK: This is done on the basis, of course, of objective indicators, but in a very to a large extent This study specifically uses interviews with the children themselves. And the Dutch children themselves, indeed - I came across these children very often and a lot, and I come across these children already grown up, when they become students - these are really very happy children. And everything in this country and in their relationship with their parents is aimed at making them happy.
M. KOROLEVA: You know, our Russian parent will answer this for you, who will pick up this book, or listen to you and say: “Just think! Well, I wish I could live in Holland...” If I knew the purchase, I would live in Sochi. “If I lived in Holland, I myself would be happy - and my children would be happy too.” What kind of secret is that? Let's little by little try to understand this issue, whether there is any method of creating a happy person. How do they do it, Dutch parents? By the way, do you consider yourself to be of Dutch parents? Or rather, to the Russians?
N. LITVAK: I feel Russian. I'm certainly not Dutch! But I must say that I myself grew up in a very tolerant family, probably different from many Russian families, and I later saw a lot of things that were accepted in my family in Holland. And of course, while already there, I learned a lot from my Dutch parents. Many things shocked me at first.
M. KOROLEVA: Well, for example?
N. LITVAK: Well, for example, here’s a thing that shocked me. I just arrived in Holland. And we are working. We have scientific work. But how are we used to treating work in Russia? - It’s very important, we want a great result. And here we are working with a colleague, writing something with great enthusiasm. And he is the same age as me now – 37-38 years old. And suddenly at 5 o’clock in the evening my colleague closes everything, gets up and says: I have to go home. You see, this wording “I have to go home”... I think it’s at his house, I don’t know...
M. KOROLEVA: You probably asked?
N. LITVAK: Yes, I’m asking: what’s the matter? Nothing is the matter - the point is that he must be home on time! To prepare dinner, and at 6 pm they all sit down to have dinner. Therefore, if he doesn’t leave work now, at 5, then they simply won’t be able to all sit down to dinner together at 6, and so he now has to go home. He has two children, a wife, and at 6 they all have to sit at the table together. And it was a shock for me! I didn’t understand: how could this be? We are finishing the article, it needs to be sent... And then he suddenly gets up, and you see, he needs to have dinner with his family! What's happened?
M. KOROLEVA: How did he explain this to you?
N. LITVAK: I didn’t explain it at all. He got up and left.
M. KOROLEVA: And you had to figure it out yourself later.
N. LITVAK: I had to figure it out myself, and believe me, Marina, it took me seven years for it to finally dawn on me what happened on that day.
M. KOROLEVA: What happened?
N. LITVAK: And the following happened on that day. In Holland there is such an old principle. It's called the "three R's principle." This…..translates as “purity, peace, regularity.” The moment he went home, he realized the principle of regularity. Do you understand? It is customary in their family to sit down at the table every day at 6 o’clock with the whole family.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, it is not that in every Dutch family it is customary at 6 o’clock. Is it just customary in this particular family?
N. LITVAK: It is accepted in most Dutch families. Either at 6, or at half past five, or at half past seven. At 7 it is already considered late. But in most Dutch families it is customary for them all to sit down for dinner in the evening. The whole family. And this is very accepted. And this is sacred! And he can't break it. Do you understand? Sometimes you have to. Well, for example, he went to a conference. Then, of course, he'll miss the family dinner. But if this is just today’s normal work, then he will not sacrifice for the sake of today’s normal work...
M. KOROLEVA: That is, he will not call and say: I’m late, dears, I’m at a meeting... Or: my colleagues called me here, let’s say, and the party is urgent...
N. LITVAK: Unthinkable! Unthinkable! It's simply unthinkable.
M. QUEEN: My God! But, on the other hand, you say, this is an adult, he does this consciously. He already understands why he is doing this, why this principle is being implemented. But teenagers... Forgive me, it’s hard for me to imagine a 12-year-old, 14-year-old, 16-year-old teenager who will consciously speak like this, giving up all his teenage charms and affairs, he will say: no, I have dinner at 6 hours with my parents. This is fine? By some Russian standards, it seems to me that this is impossible!
N. LITVAK: Perhaps. The fact is that they are used to it since childhood. By the way, Dutch children learn to be independent very early - already at the age of one they try to eat something with a spoon. And they are accustomed to the fact that, starting from the very early age that at 6 o'clock they sit down with their parents to eat. And this is sacred! And the children themselves love it. You see, in Russia some kind of image has been created that children and teenagers do not like to communicate with their parents. It is necessary to communicate with parents!
M. KOROLEVA: Look, if you watch our series “School”, where children are, indeed, absolutely... - these are, of course, teenagers, boys, girls - they live absolutely separate life! What kind of parents are there? There, teachers are the first enemies with whom they communicate every day. They see their parents from time to time. Therefore, for Russia, it seems to me that this is indeed the case. They don’t like it, as it seems, they don’t like it. Do you think this is not so?
N. LITVAK: This is certainly not so! Man is born with the need to love. And then let’s imagine... I’m a mathematician, I’ll now prove it to you by contradiction. Imagine that children do not like their parents. The question is: who do they love then?
M. KOROLEVA: They can love themselves, they can love their friends, right? More likely than parents, if we talk about teenagers. Not children, not small children - we are talking about teenagers.
N. LITVAK: Well, okay, where did this love go then? When children are little, they certainly adore their parents. No one will argue with this. Now you claim that at 6 years old they adore their parents, but at 12 they can’t stand them. Where does this love go? And why does it come back later as an adult? This love doesn't go anywhere. It’s just that in adolescence, in their rules of etiquette, it is not customary to demonstrate love for their parents. This is true. But love for parents does not go away. It’s just that parents, due to their inflated demands and due to the fact that they themselves are already afraid - because they have such an image in their heads that the teenager doesn’t want to spend time with me - are afraid to simply offer their company to the child. Because of this, this contact is lost. And therefore, parents do not receive enough manifestations of this love. And, by the way, teenagers also don’t get paid enough.
M. KOROLEVA: This is what we are talking to you about right now. Let's go back to Holland. We remembered about Russia: indeed, the Russian standard is like this, that is, there, starting around the age of 14, a child very seriously moves away from his parents, to the point that they feel like strangers. And, indeed, as you say, this love returns someday later, 10 years later. What's happening in Holland? How do they manage to keep them near them? If, of course, it succeeds.
N. LITVAK: It works out very easily. And, indeed, baby is coming at 6 pm how cute, and with great pleasure sits down to eat with his parents.
M. KOROLEVA: With pleasure?
N. LITVAK: Yes!
M. KOROLEVA: Not because it’s necessary and not because they’ll punish you and won’t give you any pocket money?
N. LITVAK: No, with pleasure! Furthermore, if, for example, such a family dinner did not work out for a couple of days in a row, then the children feel somehow confused. 70 percent of Dutch teenagers have a good relationship with their parents. This is statistics. And why? And it's very simple. Who do we like, with whom do we have a good relationship? With people who like us and with people who praise us, and with people who don’t demand too much from us. This is exactly what Dutch parents do.
M. KOROLEVA: You want to tell me that parents of teenagers in Holland praise their children, right? And yet they don’t demand too much from them? Well, this, excuse me, is at the level of just fairy tales.
N. LITVAK: It's true!
M. KOROLEVA: I don’t know, maybe you will prove this again with your mathematical meticulousness, maybe even by contradiction. Can you give me some examples?
N. LITVAK: Let me give you an example. I also have a wonderful colleague, he is so sweet, and smart, and so positive. He has two children. At that time, the eldest boy was 16 years old. And so I ask him: well, how is your boy doing? He says: oh, I have a wonderful boy, absolutely wonderful, handsome, already quite an adult. - Well, how are his studies? Well, how are his studies? But he is a smart boy, but he doesn’t want to study at all, he abandoned his studies and moved to a lower level. (The secondary school there is divided into several levels). At first he was at the highest level, now he has moved to a lower level. I put an earring in my ear... I say: well, does he have a girl? “The girl... I don’t know, maybe there is, but I haven’t seen her yet.” You see, if you
listen to this, you will think...
M. KOROLEVA: And he says this without horror.
N. LITVAK: Exactly! The most important thing is expression. He says all this with a smile! Kindness and love for his son shine in his eyes. I say: so what? - Everything is OK. I say: well, what will you do? - We won't do anything. Wonderful boy! What's wrong? I'm not stuck in bad company, bad habits doesn’t have one, he studies in an easier program - it’s easy for him to study, that’s why his grades are good. And then, he says, he will grow up and come to his senses. And you know - I came to my senses! This was all two or three years ago. I recently talked to him again. The boy finished school and did not want to study. I worked for a year at some jobs. And then I wanted to - I began to study and entered a technical school. I studied for the first year at the technical school, passed the exams - now I study at the university chemical technologies, and every evening she and dad sit in the kitchen and discuss quantum mechanics.
M. KOROLEVA: Yes. Well, come on, I'll perform at in this case as a representative of Russian parents. Let’s say an earring in your ear or even a ring in your nose is a must. I remember how my daughter changed her color... except she wasn’t green, she tried all the other colors. I watched this, realizing that, most likely, nothing catastrophic would happen, then she would return to her normal color. Which is exactly what happened. But when we're talking about about studying... Look how we used to think: a child cannot understand what is good for him in the future. And we see. We see this whole subsequent picture. If now he misses something in his studies, moves, as you say, to a lower level, that means that’s it! This means losses in future career, learning loss. Is not it so?
N. LITVAK: You know, this is really very complex issue. And the question is correct. Because in Holland, in fact, with any level of education you can find Good work and it’s normal to live, but in Russia this is not the case. You need to earn a living, and, of course, you need to study, you need higher education. A child is raised to a large extent by society. In Holland the society is not very ambitious. Dutch society does not push children to achieve heroic deeds. A Russian society pushes. Our children grow up in an environment where achievement is rewarded, where it is considered good to succeed...
M. KOROLEVA: You speak in this moment about school or family?
N. LITVAK: I think about society as a whole. About the values of society as a whole. And children, of course, feel these values too.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, they do not feel pressure.
N. LITVAK: It seems to me, yes. And so I think you can't underestimate their self-motivation, really. It's the same in studies. You see, it seems to me that many Russian parents are so worried about this study that they simply almost take it upon themselves. But in fact, in Holland the most main principle in children's studies it is self-motivation. In general, the attitude of parents and schools in Holland is a different matter. I hope we have time to talk about this. You see, in Holland a very big emphasis is placed on the child’s self-motivation. And actually, if you think about it, that's right. Imagine... Of course, it’s dangerous to say directly: study as you want, I don’t care. I probably wouldn't do that.
M. KOROLEVA: From your words I got exactly this impression. It’s like they’re leaving it to the mercy of fate - learn as you want. You won’t study at all, but that’s fine. Somehow you'll swim out later.
N. LITVAK: It’s also different in Holland, you know? Some parents are like this. I know parents who react differently. Even in the book, one of my main ideas is that you need to distinguish a problem from a non-problem. And, of course, poor academic performance of a capable child is a problem. I had this problem too. My daughter suddenly got terrible grades - unsatisfactory, they almost left her in the second year. In Holland, people are often left for the second year.
M. KOROLEVA: How did you solve this problem? In Russian or Dutch?
N. LITVAK: It seems to me that this is a more or less universal approach. I probably learned it from the Dutch. But it seems to me that it works flawlessly in any case. You see, first of all, do not confuse the problem and life tragedy. I'll give you another example. For example, at our university there is a secretary who suddenly told me that her son was being transferred to a school for the mentally retarded. Do you understand? And she reported this quite calmly over a cup of coffee. I said: how?! - So like this. He is normal, he has no abnormalities. He's just 6 now and can't keep up school curriculum. too much for him high tempo, that’s why he is transferred to a school where the pace is slower and where the teachers more attention are given to everyone individual child. So you know, she’s so calm... She says: what if he feels calmer, and easier, and better there? Why should I because of this...
M. KOROLEVA: So the child went to school for the mentally retarded?
N. LITVAK: The child went to a school for the mentally retarded. There they helped him to master the material at a more relaxed pace that he had not mastered in a normal school, then he was transferred back to a normal school. And the child is now studying at the gymnasium, studying brilliantly, and will go to university. M. KOROLEVA: That is, no tragedy occurred?
N. LITVAK: There was no tragedy. You see, parents, as soon as something goes wrong, love to make a life tragedy out of it. But we need to distinguish a problem from a tragedy, you know? Here I have a daughter there, She is healthy, she is beautiful, she is cheerful, she good girl. But our grades are bad. This is a problem and we will solve it. How are we going to solve it?
M. KOROLEVA: I think we will continue to talk about this. It will be literally in a few minutes. Nelly Litvak, lecturer in higher mathematics at the University of Twente, Holland, author of the book Our Good Teenagers. Program "Let's go?"
M. KOROLEVA: The program “Let's go?” I'm Marina Koroleva. Today we are addressing the question of whether teenagers can be good. Nelly Litvak, teacher of higher mathematics at the University of Twente, from Holland, author of the book “Our Good Teenagers” is today’s guest on our program. Well, and at the same time the mother of two daughters, who are 17 and 5 years old. We were just talking about your eldest daughter, about whom you said: well, everyone is a good girl, but she had bad grades. By the way, were there or are they still there?
N. LITVAK: The tail is still out - the nose is stuck, but at least this does not create some kind of general gloomy background in our family.
M. KOROLEVA: But anyway, how did they decide?
N. LITVAK: I believe that in any problem the approach should be very simple. We need to understand what we, as parents, actually want to achieve in this situation. The situation already exists. We can go around and cry about this, but it is completely useless. We can argue with children - it’s completely useless. My problem was that the grades were such that the child could either be kept in the second year or transferred to a lower program, according to the Dutch system. In the second year they leave them there all the time. There’s just a “6” - that’s satisfactory; if you have two “5s”, you’re kept for the second year.
M. KOROLEVA: And then they can study until they are 30 years old...
N. LITVAK: No, no! If you study on your own complex program and stayed once for a second year, then you cannot stay for a second year a second time in a row. Let's say you can't stay in the next grade for a second year either. Then they transfer to the program. It is believed that then the child cannot cope. They are not allowed to sit in each class for two years. But, no matter. In short, the problem is that if they transfer to a lower program, then the child cannot go to university after school. Then you need to study, finish your studies for another year or even two more, but we really didn’t want that. And, you see, then you just need to leave your emotions aside. Yes, I really don't like bad grades. This has nothing to do with the matter, what I like and what I don’t. We have a problem that a child may not get into university. And then I need to understand what I want to achieve. I formulated the following task for myself: I want us to have no more than two A’s in our certificates, so that we can be promoted to the next class. All! This was my task.
M. KOROLEVA: At least two A's?
N. LITVAK: No more than two A's. There's a ten-point scale. Five is just unsatisfactory. That is, six is our three, as it were. You see, I had to accept that yes, let there be a couple on the certificate, just not too many bad grades to be promoted to the next class. All! Further, you see, even in the book I divide tasks into simple and complex. Complex tasks These are the tasks that the teenager will have to work on himself. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t write a test for her; she had to do it herself. If she does not want to study well, then it is impossible to force her to do so. She herself must agree that she needs to study better.
M. QUEEN: Did she agree?
N. LITVAK: In my case, I was very lucky. She has a friend who is a student. She already told her: oh, it’s great to be a student, there are all kinds of parties there...
M. KOROLEVA: Well, here's your motivation. Please!
N. LITVAK: You see, this is not the motivation that I would like to see. I would like to see that: “Mom, I dream of having only the best tens!” Do you understand? “I want to learn and know mathematics.” This is what I would be happy about! But this is beside the point. My goal is to improve grades, and the most important thing is that the child is ready to work on it. For what reasons he is ready to work on it is completely unimportant! Let her be attracted happy life in the University.
M. KOROLEVA: Was it successful?
N. LITVAK: It was a success. The child grabbed hold of it with his hands and feet and began gnawing on the granite. You see, we also succeeded because we did not set too high goals. I didn’t tell her: “You should only study for eights!”
M. KOROLEVA: So you didn’t put pressure on her?
N. LITVAK: No, I didn’t press. I said: “If you move to the next class, I will be glad.” All!
M. KOROLEVA: I would like to return you to where we actually started - with these same family lunches, dinners, and so on. I see chapter number 2 in your book “How to communicate with them and what to talk about with them” As if we are talking about, excuse me, aliens. And, indeed, I thought: yes, it is possible to make the child follow the rules of regularity. He will come home every day at 6 o'clock for dinner. But! Everyone will sit and eat their cutlet in quiet, decorous silence, right? After all, for some reason they come, besides just to have dinner. Talking - this, it seems to me, is a huge problem, for example, in Russian families. That is, when a seemingly adult approaches a child and he seems to want to talk to him, but at most he asks: have you done your homework? Was everything okay at school today? When he receives a positive answer, as a rule, the child nods his head and says: yes, yes, everything is fine, everything is fine, I did my homework - well, show me the diary, then they can still say. He will show the diary. That's all! There is nothing more to say. What do Dutch parents talk about with Dutch children?
N. LITVAK: About everything. You know, this is also one of the theses of this chapter, that a conversation with a teenager does not necessarily have to be educational. You will understand that next to you is almost an adult and very interesting person. You see, in many respects, teenagers are very interesting, because they have this protest, when they may not like what we like, but in fact, what they like is modern. And they have a very interesting idea, they know how to joke well. You just need them to relax and start talking to you. And for this they need to feel safe...
M. KOROLEVA: They knew that in front of them was not some kind of boss, but simply someone equal. Or is it still unequal?
N. LITVAK: There can be no equality between parents and children. But in a casual conversation you can calmly talk to them like adults. Imagine that you have a friend in front of you and talk to your child the same way. The child will appreciate it. It also seems to me that many parents make a mistake... One woman told me such a story when she wanted so much...
M. KOROLEVA: Let’s just clarify – in Holland or in Russia?
N. LITVAK: In Russia. This is Russian history. The girl really wanted a good relationship with her mother, she was a very good girl. But, you see, what turned her away from her mother was that her mother never shared her problems with her. The child is already an adult, 14 years old, who saw that something was wrong, and her mother tells her: everything is fine, it’s none of your business. We want frankness from children. Before us is a man almost an adult. It is completely logical that there will be no frankness if it is not mutual. Of course, you cannot overload children with unnecessary information that they do not need to know. But…
M. KOROLEVA: So, it’s still not necessary? That is, not all information is suitable.
N. LITVAK: Yes, filter. But you probably don’t tell your friends everything. Depending on what kind of friends. That is, you always filter a little depending on the interlocutor. But not saying anything at all about yourself and expecting children to be frank in response is simply illogical!
M. KOROLEVA: Can a mother cry in front of her child? Well, what if something is wrong, if something happened at work? In general, something happened in life, my mother may burst into tears and say: do I feel very bad?
N. LITVAK: Well, why not? The only danger is not to change roles. If, for example, the daughter is so strong and stable, but the mother is so weak and cries all the time, then very soon it may turn out that it is not the mother who is helping her daughter, comforting her and helping her get through this difficult age, but on the contrary, the daughter is helping her mother and consoles. It seems to me that this is still not a very correct situation. Teenagers need support from their parents. It seems to me that showing weakness too often is somewhat dangerous. But sometimes why not? But, you know, when you came home from work, suddenly something was lying around in the kitchen, again the child threw something, and you yelled at him, you know? And even a child can say: why are you clinging to me? And instead of saying something like “leave me alone because it’s your fault,” it’s much better to say: “you see, I had such a hard day today, my boss yelled at me today, I’m in big trouble, I’m in trouble.” bad mood, don’t pay attention” - and the child will appreciate it. Because this part of him, which is already an adult, expects some kind of trust from us. And often parents, depriving their children of this trust, simply spoil their relationship with them.
M. KOROLEVA: Nelly Litvak, teacher of higher mathematics at the University of Twente in Holland, author of the book “Our Good Teenagers”, guest of the “Let's Go?” program. Since we have such a program, built, as a rule, on comparison different countries, I have no doubt that in your book, which I have not yet fully read, you really spend time there in some sense comparative analysis on some examples. Here are Russia and Holland, Holland and Russia. Since your first child, as I understand it, a girl was born in Russia, the second girl was born in Holland, and moreover, she is half of Indian origin... By the way, what language do you speak in your family?
N. LITVAK: In our family every day we speak four languages. I speak Russian with both daughters. The older one answers me in Russian, the younger one answers me in Dutch. Dad speaks Bengali to the youngest, and my husband and I speak English together. That is, it turns out Russian, Dutch, Bengali, English every day.
M. KOROLEVA: This is actually a whole separate linguistic situation, which we won’t even mention. But besides the language, there are probably also problems of differences in mentalities, including on the Indian side. Let's try now to get back to adolescence, and this comparative situation - Russia-Holland. If we talk about the relationship between parents and teenagers in the family, can you point out the difference between Russia and Holland... one, two, three, literally a few, list the most blatant, the most acute, the things that catch your eye? What is the difference?
N. LITVAK: And by the way, is it always bad in Russia? Maybe in Russia we know something that in Holland they don’t know? And what can we teach them?
N. LITVAK: I try to avoid comparisons in the book. I think comparison is dangerous. Who am I to compare life? different people who have their own considerations, perhaps no worse than mine? But still, if you try to generalize—generalization is a bit of a dangerous thing—but if you try to generalize, let’s start with the advantages of Russian upbringing. I believe that Russian parents are more ambitious towards their children. This isn't always a bad thing.
M. QUEEN: Ambitious... Explain this word a little. It sometimes has different meanings. In this case, what do you mean?
N. LITVAK: Russian parents still pay attention not only to the happiness and health of their children, but they also focus very much on their intellectual development, on their education and on their successes. And this has big dangerous sides, pitfalls. But this is not always bad. Overall, I think within reason it's probably a good thing. In Holland I often see that parents somehow really neglect this side...
M. KOROLEVA: That is, it doesn’t matter at all whether the person is a good person. In this sense, right? To be happy simply, to have peace in your soul - that’s all?
N. LITVAK: I was happy - it’s not easy. Peace of mind is very important. Therefore, when Dutch parents do not push their children, they are probably more right than wrong. But still, it seems to me that sometimes... For example, when a smart, capable child does not study well, is it still possible, well, to motivate him at least a little? Some parents do this in Holland, but still many parents do not do this at all. And I think it's a shame.
M. KOROLEVA: But material things are important? Where is materiality more important now – in Russia or in Holland? When a child is told: if you don’t do this, you will earn little, you will live poorly - where is this more important now?
N. LITVAK: You know, Holland is a very Calvinistic country, and I have noticed this many times. My friend works at Phillips. She told me directly and frankly: “I don’t need more money what I earn now. I need more free time." In Holland, people value their time more than money. Most people live very modestly. The typical income of a Dutch worker, the typical statistical average, is 1,700 euros per month. At the same time, there are often 3-4 children in a family, and when there are children in a family, it almost never happens that mom and dad work full time. If dad works full time, then mom usually stays at home 3 days a week maximum, or even stays at home. And, accordingly, the salary is already slightly below average. You can imagine these incomes. Moreover, they love to buy big house, borrow a lot... on credit. Loan for 30 years. That is, it is a kind of financial bondage, and they live very, very modestly. And at the same time, they do not chase big money and do not cultivate this need in their children.
M. KOROLEVA: Okay, we started comparing. You talked about the first one - ambition, motivation, and so on. We talked about material things. What else are the differences? Let's say in terms of communication between children and parents. We started talking about this.
N. LITVAK: I would say so. Dutch parents consider it good practice to spend time with their children. Among Dutch parents, it is considered rude not to spend time with your children or not to want to.
M. KOROLEVA: So, somehow society shows parents that they are wrong if they don’t spend enough time with their children? As you say, what is considered decent is indecent. How is it encouraged to spend time with your children?
N. LITVAK: You see, when 99 percent of those around you run home in the evening for a family dinner, when nowhere - not a single newspaper, not a single magazine - is even discussed the question of whether to take children with you on vacation. This is typical Russian question. I subscribed to a Russian magazine for parents - half the magazine is devoted to: whether to take children with you on vacation! You see, in Holland this is a nonsense question!
M. KOROLEVA: Have you also seen, perhaps while relaxing somewhere, how, say, a married couple is traveling, their small children are traveling with them, and a grandmother is taken along, and maybe two nannies as well? This also happens. I have never seen anything like this, for example, among Dutch or French holidaymakers...
N. LITVAK: The Dutch simply don’t have the money for this, to take their grandmother with them on vacation, or to take their nanny with them on vacation. In general, many people have nannies... There are, of course, nannies, anything can happen, people organize their lives in different ways. But going on vacation without children is nonsense! Parents who allow themselves to go somewhere on their day off once a year, without children, to relax - and I read about this in a magazine. How he convinces women: don’t worry, don’t worry, go with your husband, spend two days a month...
M. KOROLEVA: Nothing like this will happen to your children!
N. LITVAK: This really appeals to me, you know? Moreover, they say - again, I quote my own friend - she tells me (my friend works at Phillips): I don’t need more money, I need more free time to spend more time with my children. Do you understand? And this is an absolutely typical thing! Why does mom work three days a week? She says: my children grow only once, and I want to see it myself, and I want to take part in it. Do you understand? And when the whole society is structured this way, it is involuntary...
M. KOROLEVA: Here we again come to the conclusion that society. This is the second time we have come to this conclusion, that society itself, it is structured in such a way that there is such a possibility. Dads and moms – that’s another question. What is the role of dad and mom in raising these same teenagers? I'll tell you that in Russia, of course, when it comes to boys, it seems like dad should already be involved, although he doesn't always get involved. And in general, this is somehow all a woman’s prerogative. Here is a woman, she should take care of children. And dad works, works and works.
N. LITVAK: Do you know, when I arrived in Holland, what was one of my first shocks? When I was asked: Do Dutch husbands help their wives a lot? I said that in Holland this formulation – “husbands help their wives” – is absurd! Because no one helps anyone - they have common Home And joint family, and they do everything together. Well, of course, when dad works full-time and mom works part-time, then mom probably takes the children from school, but dad doesn’t. And yet everything general duties split in half! For a dad not to participate in raising children is simply indecent.
M. KOROLEVA: But when it comes to teenagers? Because there, indeed, such often delicate things arise, difficult moments– what to talk about with a boy, what to talk about with a girl, who to talk about? How do they resolve all these subtle, delicate issues?
N. LITVAK: It depends on what you call a “subtle, delicate moment.”
M. KOROLEVA: Anything can be there. From some sexual issues to... although this is hardly such a delicate moment in Holland.
N. LITVAK: So, I’m at a conference, my daughter calls me and says: Mom, I got a “nine” for sex! By ten point scale.
M. KOROLEVA: Is this a lesson or something?
N. LITVAK: I explain how this matter stands. In Holland, for secondary school children at a certain age - I think about 14 - there are special classes, where they are told in absolutely cold blood about alcohol, smoking, drugs and sex. This means that they are divided into groups about sex. Boys separately, girls separately, everything else is for everyone together. Someone else's uncle arrives. Someone else's uncle who knows how to reach teenagers necessary information. The purpose of these presentations is one - to protect teenagers from potential dangers. No moral education in them, not that “sex is too early for you,” but that sex carries certain dangers and you need to avoid them.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, they tell you how to use a condom, for example.
N. LITVAK: Yes. They are told what sexual diseases are, why they are scary, and how to protect themselves from it. The same goes for smoking, alcohol, drugs, why it’s harmful. All this is presented to them in an understandable form and in an absolutely cold-blooded manner and by a stranger. After that, they are given a test.
M. KOROLEVA: So, the teachers have nothing to do with it?
N. LITVAK: Usually this is an outsider, but a teacher can do this too. But this is just a lesson. After this, they are given a test, which is also graded. This assessment is included in one of the subjects, in my opinion, social studies. It is taken into account in the assessment, which is then based on the results of the year. And in fact, why does the Dutch state do this? The Dutch state proceeds from the fact that parents are amateurs in education, absolutely not professionals, and it is not a fact that parents will be able to convey this information to a teenager. And a teenager needs this information, because otherwise his life and health are at risk.
M. KOROLEVA: But I wonder, Nellie, are there any parents who object to conveying such information to their child? Maybe for some religious reasons. I'll explain my question. The fact is that we are still having discussions about this, because, for example, some representatives of the Russian Orthodox Church They believe that telling children how to use condoms means promoting early sex among them. Sex before marriage. There are such discussions. Don't such problems arise there, for example? Well, among believers, maybe.
N. LITVAK: You know, there are many believers in Holland, and schools used to be divided into religious and state schools. IN public schools everything is decided by the state. Now all schools are funded by the state, and religiosity has practically disappeared from schools. The fact is that parents cannot prohibit anything from the school...
M. KOROLEVA: We have gradually moved on to the issue of the relationship between the school and parents, but this is exactly what is needed.
N. LITVAK: ...precisely for the reasons that parents may have their own considerations, but parents, from the point of view of society, have their own function. Parents must raise a child. In Holland, a child's education is entirely the responsibility of the school, and if the school in its program considers it necessary to convey this information to them, then they will do it. And I have never heard, I don’t know if this is possible... I know that my daughter, for example, in her class there are girls who are very religious from very religious, very strict families, but I have never heard that any - the parent asked to release the child from this lesson.
M. KOROLEVA: Do children generally respond normally to such lessons? Doesn't this make them feel some kind of awkwardness? I remember we had similar lessons in schools, where children would run out giggling... there they separated girls and boys... there were some kind of trial ideas.
N. LITVAK: I'm sure this causes a feeling of awkwardness. But, you know, I always say: even a conversation between a mother and her daughter about sex is a difficult issue, because sex and parents are not very compatible things. Even if the relationship is very good, this topic can cause awkwardness. I always say the same argument: the Virgin Mary was a virgin for a reason. Mom and sex are concepts that are not very compatible even for adults. What can we say about teenagers for whom this topic is generally painful? Therefore, it is better when strangers do it, in fact, in my opinion. It’s awkward, I’m sure, but these people who do this know it very well.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, they are just professionals, unlike us, parents?
N. LITVAK: Absolutely! They are professionals in precisely this sense, they know how to do it, they do it according to modern techniques. Maybe in a year - in Holland, by the way, everything is very flexible - these methods will turn out to be outdated, others will be more correct, but at least for now, this is presented to children according to modern theories.
M. KOROLEVA: A few more words about the relationship between parents and school. Who is in charge there in this relationship? More precisely, there are three sides: the teenager, the parents and the school. Here is someone from this three, who is in charge, behind whom the last word?
N. LITVAK: Wow! This is very interest Ask, very interesting formulation too. I should probably say no, although the school has the final say.
M. KOROLEVA: Behind the school?
N. LITVAK: Yes. So, I’m explaining how it works there, but you should be prepared for the fact that this is a story about Mars. In general, take a break from your daily ideas and try to take this information on faith. So. Teaching a child is a process, and in Holland this process is treated absolutely business-like. The school is responsible for this process. The school, not the parents, is responsible for the child’s education and assimilation - not only for teaching, not only for providing him with the opportunity to gain knowledge, but also for the assimilation of knowledge. Parents have one responsibility to the school - parents are obliged to ensure the physical presence of the child at school...
M. KOROLEVA: That is, bring him?
N. LITVAK: That is, bring it. At least you can't skip school. If a child misses school, then this can be said to be a crime. At the very least, it is a public violation for which parents bear administrative responsibility. Children are not even allowed during school year taking you somewhere on vacation, to a wedding - for all this there are some special regulations. And if a child is absent from school for more than two weeks, then parents must write an official request to the mayor’s office. I remember how my sister laughed: I wonder how Luzhkov would react to my request to take the children on vacation during school year? So here it is. Parents are responsible for the child’s presence at school; the school is responsible for not only giving the child the opportunity to gain knowledge, but also to teach. And the school is responsible for the results. And parents have the right to demand results from the school.
M. KOROLEVA: That is, we brought him to you, and you will teach him to us.
N. LITVAK: And you teach him to us - teach him to read, write... And here the child comes into the role at the level at which his abilities and desire to learn allow. Because school is a rather dry enterprise. If a child is given the opportunity, and teachers teach him, and test his knowledge, and see that his knowledge does not correspond the required level, then measures are taken. And in primary school, if the situation is critical, the child can be transferred to special education, that is, for children with disabilities. And in high school everything is divided into levels - from the highest, which then goes to the university, to the lowest, vocational training, which people will then become, say, scavengers. And if a child does not want to study, then he will be transferred lower, lower, lower, lower - until they find a level suitable for his abilities and motivation.
M. KOROLEVA: But, unfortunately, Nelly, we must finish now. Because this is a whole, separate topic. Therefore, answering our question: can teenagers be good, tell me - can they be good in Russia?
N. LITVAK: Yes, of course!
M. KOROLEVA: What should parents do for this? In two words.
N. LITVAK: Accept children as they are. Don't demand too much from them. Like the Dutch school, they only demand what they are able to do.
M. KOROLEVA: Well, maybe just love?
N. LITVAK: Of course! Just love and don’t scold aimlessly, and just enjoy their company, be glad that they exist, don’t miss this time, get the maximum possible joy from it.
M. QUEEN: Thank you! Nelly Litvak, lecturer in higher mathematics at the University of Twente, Holland, author of the book “Our Good Teenagers,” was today a guest on the “Are we going?” program. Thank you!
(panda @ 03/22/2015 - time: 21:55)(Lady Mechanika @ 03/22/2015 - time: 21:48)
Analogue for clarity...Can a good, kind person be a scientist? Think carefully before answering.
Scientists they are, they cut and poison animals for the sake of science, they invent all sorts of chemistry, and then they equip this chemistry for chemical research. ammunition. They climb into the depths of matter, and then emerge into the light atomic bombs and "Chernobyl". They tinker with genes, and then children come out of test tubes - they are mutants not from God. Or else there will be more.
And in general, it was said - “If evil is to be stopped, all the books should be taken away and burned” ©
Or even as the good Christian German Sterligov said - “Scientists must be destroyed like rabid dogs!”At the absolute, pure goodness, the face of a slobbering imbecile... draw your own conclusions.
Absolutely right. It’s not for nothing that Castaneda argued that the mind is a product of dark forces))Although the mind is good only in certain doses, if there is too much of it, it begins to cause harm... Starting from the owner himself and ending with the scale of the universe)
So it is not surprising that scientists can do evil. But they can also do good. Everything again depends on the goals and results.
Here clear example: last ruler.. The man is undoubtedly smart and well-read, but where has his mind led him... into what jungle...
I'll tell you my story last birth. The one I remember, naturally, and not the one they told me. I won’t spend a long time explaining things that you just need to accept and not explain. So. I remember how I died in my last incarnation. Nothing special happened. But it was annoying that I couldn’t tell people about what I discovered after my death. But I discovered that there is no death. There is no body, but there is consciousness. But... consciousness without a body fell asleep. And then I woke up. And when I woke up, I found Him, whom I had been looking for all my past life and never found until I died...His Presence is Bliss. Hmm yeah. But let's continue the story. I suddenly realized that my past life was a waste of time. Moreover, she was criminal towards Him, but...at that moment I completely forgot that my past life had already been shown to me by Him earlier - in my past incarnations. And this one I lived life of crime was not an accident. I will omit the story of what I did in that life. It doesn't matter. Absolutely. I just decided to return back to this world in order to correct what I had done... He laughed at my attempts to leave paradise. And showed me my true aspirations. It turned out that I just wanted to return and enjoy those things that still kept me in this world separated from Him. And He allowed me to return to this world. And showed me all of mine future life which I will have to live. And then....Then I saw a white light that came from all sides and I saw nothing but this light. And then I felt the Loss. I left heaven and came to this world again. Such are the things. And then....Then I decided to return to Him. It was frivolous. I headed back to Him, already guessing that I would not be accepted into heaven with Him, because something had already been created for me in this world. new Reality, as well as for those who will come into this world with me, and in which I will have to live long life as long as a moment of Eternity. He greeted me kindly and showed me that in this world separated from Him, those with whom I am connected karmically are waiting for me and that they have already come to this world to meet me again. And this meeting cannot be canceled. When I grew up, my parents told me that I died when I was six months old, but then came to life again after my parents began to bother me.
I didn't just tell mine mystical story. Pay attention to your dreams...)
If you look around your environment, you will probably find a person who would be defined as “good”. This is a non-conflict person, responsive, always polite and friendly, ready to help and support at any time. And you often want to be the same. Why?
Since childhood, we develop certain behavior patterns that help us adapt to life in society. One of these models is “being good.” It helps you get support and recognition without making any effort. special effort. Children quickly learn: if you are good, you will receive a gift from your parents, and the teacher will be more favorable to you than to a bully. Over time, this model can become the basis of our entire lives, business and personal relationships. What does this lead to and what problems await a “good” person?
1. You will sacrifice your interests for the sake of others.
Politeness and the desire to avoid conflicts can lead to the fact that at some point we begin to sacrifice our interests for the sake of others. This occurs due to the fear of being rejected (by friends at school, colleagues). It's important for us to feel like we're okay and loved because that's what makes us feel safe.
The desire to please everyone around us forces us to maintain our brand always and everywhere, to be good in a taxi, in a store, in the subway. We automatically want to do something to please the driver, and so we tip more than we should. And we do it completely unexpectedly for ourselves. Or we start entertaining the hairdresser with conversations, instead of just relaxing in the chair. Or we don’t reprimand the manicurist who applied the polish unevenly - this is our favorite salon, why spoil it? good impression About Me?
We harm ourselves by doing things we don't like or by remaining silent when our interests are violated.
As a result, our focus shifts from internal to external: instead of directing resources to work on ourselves, we spend all our efforts on external signs. It is more important to us what they think and say about us, and we do everything in order to be appreciated and approved.
We are no longer even interested in our own well-being: we harm ourselves by doing something we don’t like, or remain silent when our interests are violated. We deny ourselves for the sake of others.
Sometimes this is precisely the reason for a sharp change in mood, when a person in the family who is conflict-free and polite in public becomes a real monster. It’s quite easy to be nice to strangers, but at home we take off our masks and lash out at our loved ones - we scream, swear, and punish our children. After all, the family already loves us and “will not go anywhere,” we can not stand on ceremony, relax and finally become ourselves.
Everyone needs to wean themselves off this kind of behavior - to the big boss or petty clerk, child or parent. Because it is a matter of balancing our lives, what we ourselves give and receive. And if we don’t respond in kind to our loved ones who give us so much, our life can take a turn: the family will fall apart, friends will turn away.
2. You will become dependent on other people's approval.
This model of behavior forms a painful dependence on the approval of others. From morning to night we need to hear compliments, recognition of talent or beauty. This is the only way we feel confident, inspired, and able to do something. It works like an energy dope. We begin to need it to cover the inner emptiness.
The external becomes important, and internal values, feelings and sensations fade into the background
This pattern leads to a categorical perception of everything that happens to us. A striking example- a person who reacts painfully to any remark, even to constructive criticism. In his model any Feedback perceived only by two indicators: “I am good” or “I am bad.” As a result, we cease to distinguish between where is black and where is white, where is truth and where is flattery. It is becoming increasingly difficult for people to communicate with us - because in everyone who does not admire us, we see an “enemy”, and if someone criticizes us, there is only one reason - he is simply jealous.
3. You will waste your energy in vain.
Your friends quarreled and you want to stay good relations with both? It doesn't happen that way. In the words of the poet, “you cannot be with both of them without betraying both.” If you strive to be good in both places, or always remain neutral, sooner or later this will lead to a feeling of emptiness. And most likely both friends will feel betrayed, and you will lose both.
There is another problem: you try so hard to be useful to others, do so much for them, that at a certain point you begin to demand the same attitude towards yourself. Internal anxiety and resentment appear, and you begin to blame everyone. This addiction works the same way as any other addiction: it leads to destruction. A man loses himself.
The feeling of wasted effort, time, and energy does not leave you. After all, you have spent so much effort, but there are no dividends. And you are bankrupt, energetically and personally. You feel lonely, irritated, and it seems to you that no one understands you. And at some point they really stop understanding you.
You don't have to do anything special to earn the love of your parents, teachers, or classmates.
Of course, everyone wants to be surrounded by " good people" But a truly good person is not one who always follows the lead of others and agrees with other people’s opinions in everything. This is someone who knows how to be honest and frank, who is able to be themselves, who is ready to give, but at the same time defend their interests, beliefs and values, while maintaining their dignity.
Such a person is not afraid to show his dark sides and easily accepts the shortcomings of others. He knows how to adequately perceive people, life, and does not demand anything in return for his attention or help. This self-confidence gives him a feeling of success in work and in personal relationships. After all, in fact, you don’t need to do anything special to earn the love of your parents, teachers or classmates. We are already worthy of love, because each of us is already a good person in itself.
about the author
Trainer, psychologist, psychoanalyst. Her website.
"Hurray! Finally tea!" -
the liver screamed joyfully
Well, Dear friends, our endless holidays and endless fun are finally over. And you can already exhale.
Old year saw off, met a new one
We celebrated Christmas (as best we could, of course).
In a word, we had a lot of fun (this is for Santa for those who behaved badly last year).
Unbridled, as they say, New Year's fun.
However, if someone still hasn’t had enough fun and indulged, then the Editor-in-Chief has something for you good news.
It turns out that the New Year can be celebrated again and again and, if desired, without even drying out and stopping.
From January 13 to 14 according to the Julian calendar
- Between January 21 and February 21 with the Chinese,
- March 1, like the ancient Romans and Venetians
- March 21, with Baha'is
- March 21 or 22 with Iranians
- March 25, like the ancient Scots
- From April 13 to April 15, as in Thailand
- April 14, with the Bengals
- June 21 Yakut New Year Ysyakh
- July 26 according to the Mayan calendar
- September 1, like the ancient Rus and Byzantines
- Between September 5 and October 5, with Jews
- September 11, with Copts, Ethiopians and Rastafarians
- On the last Sunday of October, according to the Druid calendar
- October 31st, like the ancient Celts
Well, in the meantime, we will allow ourselves to return to pressing matters, which in this situation means remembering what happened last December.
Roman Shaposhnikov
in spite of everything, he continues to mercilessly shower us with heartbreaking battle memories.
It’s about the creation of the first team, and about the last Vsop, and about the training Games.
Those were fun days!
What about whether it could have been better or not.
Let me tell you a story, and you decide for yourself.
After visiting the exhibition of a famous artist, a journalist left a comment in the newspaper, “The exhibition could have been better.”
Insulted in best feelings the artist demanded a written refutation.
The next day, a journalist’s note appeared in the newspaper: “Refutation: the exhibition could have been worse.”
The artist, furious, demanded another refutation.
On the third day in the newspaper: “Refutation: The exhibition could not have been worse.”
It could have been or not, worse or better, it’s probably not that important.
The main thing is that the New Year's mood and feeling of celebration remains with us throughout the coming year, no matter what.