Most often, when faced with the topic of responsibility, it is customary to explore its absence: difficulties in shifting responsibility for what happens in a person’s life to others, the search for a “guilty” other, or the circumstances that led to trouble. Taking responsibility for your life is one of the key themes of Gestalt therapy. At the same time, there is the exact opposite problem - excessive responsibility, which we will call hyper-responsibility.
Hyperresponsibility is the attribution of the causes and consequences of phenomena and life situations to oneself. The difference between responsibility and hyper-responsibility lies in the acceptance or shifting of its excessive share onto the shoulders of the “I”. Thus, responsibility is redistributed in favor of oneself. This contributes to problems such as:
- biased perception of relationships,
- self-flagellation,
- “not noticing” the participation of other people in the current situation,
- self-critical Samoyed attitude towards oneself, touching the core of one’s own “I”,
- low self-esteem.
At the same time, a person is paradoxically “deaf” to criticism, because he readily accepts his “insignificance” and recognition of himself as “wrong” and touches the boundaries of his own “I”, and therefore often causes resistance. In this case, “I do everything wrong” or “I’m not like that” is a picture of oneself, therefore it does not require changes or revision of self-identification and is readily accepted. Self-criticism and self-absorption, leaving another is accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.
The presence of these feelings, as well as the physical manifestations that accompany them (sad appearance, drooping shoulders and eyes, etc.) makes it possible to distinguish hyper-responsibility from excessive responsibility of another kind - the so-called “god complex or syndrome” and “omnipotent control”. In this version, we are talking rather about the grandeur of oneself, the majesty and theatrical tragedy of one’s commanding participation in all aspects of the life of oneself and others, associated with an exaggeration of the role of one’s own “I” and the interpretation of events through the perfection determined by their own unlimited power.
The accepted role of a hyper-responsible participant in events leads to “sinking” into the above mentioned affects, which do not lead to living the situation and movement, but contribute to toxic bogging down in it.
Hyper-responsibility acts as a kind of complex protective mechanism, since it uses other mechanisms - retroflection, displacement, turning against oneself. A hyperresponsible person redirects affect from an external significant subject to himself; includes: a critical attitude towards the other, the importance (dependence) of the other, the unconscious idea that the significant other may not tolerate criticism. In this case, the security of the relationship can only be ensured by redirecting criticism from the outside to the inside. This takes you away from reality and gives you a range of unpleasant feelings associated with self-criticism. Gives the illusion of control over troubles (it all depends on me).
With its help, a person avoids meeting another. He withdraws into himself, preferring to revel in his “insignificance” and conquer himself, rather than see the “insignificance” of another and do something about it further - show himself nearby, conquer the world or come to terms with what is. He prefers to retroflexively go inside himself rather than go outside.
In therapy, a client using the position of hyperresponsibility can say that he is responsible for any conditionally negative events, while conditionally positive situations are omitted (this is understandable and unimportant).
In an example from my practice, when I was late for a session, the client, seeing me, immediately began to say that nothing bad had happened, she just had to call and find out if I was on time? And that she’s only waiting for me for a minute (I was 20 late), and that she herself understands that I have something important and she doesn’t need to explain anything, she understands everything as a mother. Eventually, she started apologizing for my lateness. As a result of the study, she noticed that she tends to take full responsibility for everything unpleasant that happens around her.
“Bonuses” and difficulties in the client’s life associated with a hyper-responsible position were revealed. The idea that others also contribute to the relationship did not come easily to her. The client projected onto others her own sense of fragility - they would not be able to bear it if they found out that it was their own fault. Hyperresponsibility therapy focused on finding the “bonuses” and difficulties of a hyperresponsible position, searching for what other people are responsible for (the technique of presumptive fantasizing was used - “if they were responsible, then for what?”). Hyperresponsibility therapy acts as a component of work with addictive forms of behavior, since it is caused by them.
Among your friends there are probably people like that: with half-dropped shoulders, an eternally hunched back and a guilty expression on their face. It seems like they have a heavy invisible backpack attached to their back, tightening their muscles so much that even their smile turns crooked. This is understandable! If you look into your backpack, you won’t find anything there: responsibility for work, country, natural disasters, oil prices. When you carry the entire Universe on you, you will inevitably screw up somewhere. But seriously?
Always take responsibility for yourself, because no one will take responsibility for you.
Tyra Banks
Reasons for hyper-responsibility
Is it bad to be a person responsible for your actions and words? On the contrary, it's wonderful. Responsibility is an indicator of true, not passport adulthood. It is necessary - that means it is necessary! Said - done. These people make up a golden fund of irreplaceable professionals and inspired family men.Working with such a person is calm and reliable: he will always do everything on time, and he will also lend a shoulder to others. He’d rather not sleep an extra hour, but his home shop won’t let him down! A person with a heightened sense of responsibility will clearly not turn family life into a dump: his conscience will torture him! He will bring potatoes from the market in two hands, so that his relatives will not be deprived. He won’t go out with friends, even though he’s been planning to do it since winter, because there’s no one to sit with his cousin’s son. And, if this abstract person is also distinguished by great patience and a balanced disposition, those around him will enjoy it!
You don’t have to worry about the outcome of the case at all! Everything will be on top. Because a hyper-responsible comrade will work for himself and for that guy. But is it easy for him?
Are you carrying your own burden?
Who doesn’t know the Russian proverb “You can’t carry your own burden,” which has analogues in other languages. There is hardly much positive in a burden that pulls on your shoulders and slows down your movement. But if you carry it because it is yours, you or your loved ones need it, like air, like sunlight, like breath, the burden automatically becomes weightless. And it becomes joyful to carry, within one’s strength. And if it’s sad and difficult, maybe you got excited and took on something that doesn’t belong to you, and too much at that?Where do the boundaries of responsibility end?
Trying to live their lives for others is a thankless and useless task. You will not be able to get your over-aged offspring off the couch and find a well-paid job if all his body movements are limited to lazy switching of TV channels. You are exhausted by worrying about your adult daughter, who is dating a married man, but she seems to be happy with everything.Yes, it is painful and offensive, but this is her life. You understand that the husband with his talents clearly should have received the position of head of the department, but it happened differently, and he does not protest. And what can you change? At best, cause a scandal, and even then not to the boss. Yes, parents are getting old, and the feeling of guilt for what was said and not done strangles them with a prickly scarf so that it is impossible to simply fall asleep peacefully.
Maybe these nightly vigils will somehow reduce anxiety? Hardly! But to earn insomnia twice or twice. And the weather on the eve of the weekend so unexpectedly spoiled plans, so everyone is gloomy. But you're not happy either? Why do you think you should take on the role of house clown?
Coming from childhood: hyper-responsibility in a child
Where did this debilitating desire to be responsible for the fact that “the sun rises and sets” come from? It's different for everyone. But I will not be mistaken if I say that usually even in childhood, fueled by the ambitious desires of the parents, the child strives to be correct and responsible, doing everything “from start to finish.”For some, family circumstances have placed a heavy burden on their backs - being a parent to their infantile fathers and mothers. So the poor little fellow had to reconcile his noisy “children,” admonish, listen, feel sorry for him and grow up beyond his years. You never know what difficult life stories there were? Yes, only childhood has passed, but the need to drag the Universe on oneself with all one’s strength remains.
Consequences: What are the dangers of hyper-responsibility?
It seems that hyper-responsible people are ready to solve all problems, except those that need to be tackled first and second.These are situations and problems of one’s own life related to health, professional and personal development, mood and self-understanding. Refusal to realize one’s interests and needs is spiritual desertion, which will certainly make itself felt through treacherous illnesses and a feeling of inner emptiness. One morning, looking in the mirror, you can just see the tired look of a stranger. And you will have nothing to say to him.
Difficult but important step
You need to understand that from time to time it is normal to experience difficulties, problems, and even the desire to “send everything to hell.” There are not enough straws to protect our dear people from harm. And we are just people: ordinary mortals with a limited amount of time on earth. We don't have the gift of foresight. And even if he was, another person has the right to act in his own way just because he is different. The choice of loved ones can surprise, upset and even shock. But we must admit: they have the right to do so.Treatment, or how to get rid of hyper-responsibility
When we take responsibility for other people, we assume that they are not smart enough or experienced enough to solve their problem. But this can only happen in one case: if a person is not fully capable due to his young or old age, as well as due to some illnesses. If this is not the case, transfer responsibility for your life to their owners.Do not cultivate pride that whispers to you about omnipotence. Just open up your heavy bag and start giving away what never belonged to you. Yes, there will be a storm of indignation, resentment and claims. You will be accused of selfishness and indifference. But you know for sure that helping a person take responsibility for his actions and even thoughts is love. By the way, this concerns you primarily.
What?
– as you might guess, this term means excessive, exaggerated responsibility. And not only for one’s own actions, but often for the actions of others, and even for circumstances absolutely beyond a person’s control. Hyper-responsible people worry about and without reason. They approach their responsibilities according to the principle “I’ll die, but I’ll do it.” For such people, their own interests often take a back seat, or even a third place, while helping others comes forward. Failure to keep this promise is tantamount to disaster. Letting a colleague down means not sleeping at night. Such a person’s exaggerated sense of duty deprives him of peace. He is surrounded on all sides by countless “I must!” It is as if an invisible taskmaster with a large whip is standing over him, urging him on and forcing him to perform endless duties.
Where?
As a rule, the childhood of a hyper-responsible person was overloaded with parental desire to instill in him a sense of duty. “Take responsibility for yourself,” “You’re already an adult, be responsible,” and similar phrases he heard almost every day. Parents (or one parent) play the role of that same overseer, without whom the child can no longer do. And over time, growing up, a person finds himself a new overseer - himself. And now on his shoulders is the burden of both his own and other people’s problems. If this is a mother, then she is responsible for any action of her child (is it worth saying that with a high degree of probability the child will grow up absolutely irresponsible?). It also happens that in childhood a child had to face difficult circumstances, as they say, “growing up early.” The death of parents, the need to care for younger siblings or a sick grandmother, the need to start earning a living early - all this can also push a growing child to become hyper-responsible. If you have been accustomed to carrying a heavy load since childhood, then without this load you already feel somehow uneasy...
What should I do?
Everything is good in moderation. A responsible person is certainly a good thing. But you also need to be aware of the limits of your responsibility. Otherwise, there is a risk of starting to live “for others,” completely forgetting about yourself and, along the way, earning a bunch of disorders - from stomach ulcers to neurosis and depression.
The feeling of endless “debt” experienced by a hyper-responsible person is always false. No one can be responsible for everything and everyone. Even if overly active parents in childhood, this is precisely what they told the child.
Hyper-responsibility also means uncertainty. Lack of self-confidence, in one’s strengths and capabilities. An attempt to “justify” oneself in one’s own eyes. Therefore, it is worth first of all remembering yourself, your virtues and your suppressed desires. Yes, you have the right to want, and there is nothing shameful about it. And there is no need to make excuses for this. Stay in touch with yourself. Set priorities - your desires should take first place. Not the desires of colleagues who have sat on the neck, and not even the begging of relatives. Your desires, whatever those desires may be.
Remember about limits of responsibility. Can you be responsible for what the weather will be like today? No. You cannot influence such things. You can only warn your colleague to take an umbrella with him. In the same way, you cannot be responsible for the actions of another person. And generally speaking - You are only responsible for the actions of one person: yourself.. If you doubt another or are worried about how he will behave in front of a third, then all you can do is warn the third.
The temptation is great to do everything, to take on any task. And right away. Set your priorities. And determine whether it is within your competence to carry out all this? Should you do this according to service instructions, for example? Distribute responsibilities around the house. You will take out the trash, and your wife will wash the dishes. Common life means common responsibility. There is no point in putting this responsibility only on yourself.
Guys, keep in mind that this publication about hypercontrol and hyperresponsibility is just a psychology textbook. So bookmark it, there’s a lot of useful stuff here.
Let's start our conversation with a fairy tale.
A tale of hypercontrol and hyperresponsibility
Once upon a time there was a girl, let's call her Nastya. And she was in constant stress because she was trying to manage everything and control everything. (This fairy tale, by the way, is about me in the past. So, I experienced everything first hand.)
Nastya spent all day taking care of her husband and children, redoing work for her colleagues and carefully making sure that the whole family ate properly. Friends really loved to go on vacation with Nastya, because they knew that she would first long and painstakingly study all possible hotels and tours, choose the best, register everyone for the flight, take with her a first aid kit (which could put the Israeli army on its feet) and bring 5 suitcases just in case.
Nastya’s husband often lost money and documents, the children forgot everything they could at school (from notebooks to homework), and their friends “didn’t understand” how to do something, and asked Nastya to tell/help/do it for them.
Was life easy for Nastya?
No matter how it is, the syndrome of hyper-responsibility and hyper-control kept her in a state of overstrain and on the verge of burnout:
- Nastya constantly had headaches/back/shoulders,
- but she waved her hand at herself
- and ran to do things,
- because “who, if not me”
- or “they won’t do so well.”
What do you think awaits Nastya in the near future if she doesn’t loosen the reins?
What awaits you if you don’t stop being such Nastya?
Hypercontrol test
Do you want to know if you have hypercontrol and responsibility?
Here's a test for you, take it and sign it.
To pass the test, answer “yes, it's about me” or “no, it's not about me” to the following statements:
- You think you can do better than those around you;
- You are a walking diary and reminder - remember all important dates and events;
- Know where all the important documents are, remember how much money is kept in the bank;
- Love to plan (sometimes you even plan how you will plan);
- As a child, you were a headman, a counselor;
- Management puts more workload on you than other employees;
- Without you, your husband forgets his keys/money and loses his receipts. Children are unassembled - you help them collect their briefcase, check their lessons, etc.;
- You feel anxious when things don't go according to plan;
- When getting into a car/minibus, you try to choose a seat near the driver;
- You like to play it safe and have a plan B, C, D...
If you answered “Yes” to at least 6 questions, then hypercontrol is your friend, comrade and brother.
Living with him, of course, is possible, but it’s not easy (I went through this stage, and remember Nastya from the fairy tale) - ... psychosomatics catches up, stress overcomes, but all these are consequences. And in order to eliminate the consequences - to get rid of hyper-responsibility and hyper-control, you must first deal with the causes.
Causes of hypercontrol
Let's figure out where the legs grow from those who are hyper-controlling.
Let's start, as always, with childhood.
The child was given more duties and responsibilities than he could handle
This is just about me - at the age of 8 I was already going on tour without my parents. Of course, my friends’ mothers were looking after me, but I had to pack my things and dress for the stage myself, put on makeup, try not to get lost in a foreign country, etc.
Parents who did not provide support
For example, a mother who was abandoned by her husband (or depressed, or fired) and who now cannot piece herself together falls apart, like Clinton’s alibi in the Monica Lewinsky case. The consequences for a child are tragic, so I always say: if you have lost your support and self-confidence, do not be afraid to consult a psychologist or sign up for a course “PROpump yourself”! Just imagine how scary it is for children when they see and feel that the main person in their life, their support and support, has melted away like ice cream in the sun.
Counterdependent "runaway" parent
Who often deceived or did not keep his promise. In this case, what remains for the child? That’s right, take care of yourself, and also control your parent so that he doesn’t let you down. Should we talk about trust? I also think it’s not worth it, because there is no trust in such relationships.
Karpman Triangle, where you were a lifeguard
It doesn’t matter who was saved from what - dad from alcohol, mom from fatigue, parents from divorce, or cared for a very sick grandmother.
You mirror a significant adult from childhood
For example, a military father, for whom everyone walked to the line, or a mother, a head teacher at a school, who was used to managing, instructing and controlling stupid children.
I have listed only 5 reasons, but they are the main ones.
Now let's move on to the main thing.
What does the person who controls everything get?
- POWER
- SAFETY
Why? Because he knows that everyone around him depends on him (for example, he holds all the vouchers, assigns everyone to their numbers, and therefore is indispensable for everyone), and thus he raises his own importance in his own eyes (I was the one who did all this, did it well , I'm done).
Plus, when a person’s basic trust in the world is undermined, he permanently feels in a danger zone (for example, he lives with the confidence that his mother will leave at any moment, will not fulfill a promise, or will not do something). Such a child begins to control not only his mother, but also everything around him, because in this way he provides himself with a sense of support and security.
What did we end up with?? People who control everything and everyone already have a certain formed neurosis, but this is not only possible, but first of all, you need to work, because the consequences are very sad.
Hypercontrol: how to get rid of it
What to do to get rid of the desire to control everything and everyone. By the way, this information is useful for everyone, even if hypercontrol is not typical for you.
Well, let's get started!
Massage
Hypercontrol and constant tension always take their toll on the body. First of all, the back, shoulder girdle, and knees suffer. What to do? Massage is your friend (at least 2-3 courses). For me, working in an office in a managerial position did not pass me by, and my massage therapist and I are still dealing with the consequences.
There is also a great exercise for trust and relaxation
when you just lie down on the water and relax (I do this in the farthest corner of the pool and enjoy it). You need to lie down for at least 20 minutes at a time!
All doubles sports
it’s also about trust and relaxation, when you need to trust your partner and/or coach, and not rely only on yourself.
- At one time, scuba diving really helped my client. There, in principle, you can’t control anything and you need to trust the instructor.
- Hot air balloon flights there too.
All these actions are very difficult for people who are accustomed to controlling everyone and everything, and therefore choose sports where not everything depends on you and, willy-nilly, you will have to rely on someone - this takes you out of your comfort zone.
Build new neural connections in your head
How? Break the patterns! For example, are you used to studying the hotel you plan to stay in under a microscope? Do you constantly read all 100,500 reviews about it and if at least 1% are negative, then look for a new hotel? Then let go of the situation and move into a place where there are simply beautiful photos, the sea is close and the price suits you.
I call the next method “Don’t care, girls, let’s dance”
You know, sometimes there are situations that you have no control over at all, but you still hang around like a fish on a hook and get nervous. For example, a flight was canceled or something like that. Can you influence this? No. Then why be nervous and torment yourself? A clogged bolt is a guarantee of health.
Switching attention
If you feel like “we need to control, we need to control,” then switch your attention! Agree with a loved one that he will take on control functions on some trip/work.
All people are different. Some never worry at all, even for serious reasons, while others will always find a reason to worry, even the most petty one. Psychologists say that the latter have a sense of increased responsibility, which constantly keeps them in suspense and interferes with their lives. What to do in such a situation? Here are some recommendations.
A hyper-responsible person strives to be responsible not only for what happens in his life, but also for what happens in the lives of other people. And also for situations completely beyond his control. It is typical for him to help someone to the detriment of his own interests. And he will feel awkward if the obligations he has undertaken cannot be fulfilled even for objective reasons.
Let's say you introduced your friend to a man from your circle, but their relationship did not work out. And now you feel guilty - after all, it was you who brought them together! Although they could just as well have met on their own, and you in no way can be responsible for the development of the relationship between two adult independent people. Or you recommended someone you know to work for your company, but the person didn’t fit in there. But you couldn’t foresee everything - you just brought the applicant together with the employer, and then it was up to them to evaluate each other!
So, the first recommendation. Develop self-confidence. Many people worry too much about what others will think of them and how they will react to their actions. But this makes us dependent on the opinions of others and limits us in our own decisions. Psychologists advise imagining that no one praises or condemns you at all. Just do as you see fit. Don't worry about what your friends will say about your new boyfriend - it's enough that you're happy with him. And who cares what your co-workers think about your new dress? Or how will your parents and friends react when they find out that you quit and started your own business?
Relieve yourself of some responsibility. Do not take full responsibility for the situation - no one in the world can do this. If you are recommending someone to someone, clarify that you cannot predict how this person will behave in this or that case - let your interlocutor draw conclusions on his own. When recommending products or services, say that it suits you personally, but you cannot guarantee that the other person will like it. If he wants, let him try. Emphasize that you are not able to take into account all possible scenarios - this will protect yourself from possible reproaches.
Make compromises with yourself. If the number of problems facing you tends to infinity, solve the highest priority ones first. You shouldn't take responsibility for everything that happens. Let's say you promised to go shopping with a friend this weekend, but you were suddenly faced with a lot of household chores, and ones that were impossible to put off. There is no point in showing miracles of heroism and trying to make sure that the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe. Call your friend and tell her that you will have to reschedule the shopping trip, or let her go alone. Offended? These are her problems, not yours!
Set specific goals for yourself. Something often doesn't work out in our lives because we have little idea of what exactly we want. Suppose you are looking for a new job, but no suitable option comes your way. Maybe the reason is that we haven’t decided what type of activity you want to do, with what salary and schedule?
Or are you unable to arrange your personal life because you have very vague ideas about an ideal partner? Do you try to build relationships with one or the other, but after a while everything gets upset... And every time something doesn’t work out, do you feel your own guilt? Psychologists advise in this case to take a piece of paper and write on it a list of qualities that you would like to see in a partner: for example, attractive appearance, intelligence, sense of humor, absence of material and housing problems, etc. The same goes for your dream job.
Keep records. We all tend to constantly replay problems in our heads, trying to figure out ways to solve them. This leads to us not sleeping well and getting up in the morning not in the best shape. If you write down your thoughts and possible options for getting out of difficult situations, it will be easier for you to sort each specific case into pieces and sort everything out. You can keep a diary, take notes on your computer, or have a notepad and pen with you. As soon as something comes to mind, write it down! At night, place a notepad near your bed: suddenly, in the morning, wise thoughts will visit you.
If you follow these tips, you will find that your life will become much easier.