What to do if the relationship has become unhealthy and destructive, and you are entangled in it, like in a spider's web? What to do if rapprochement brings only pain and despondency, and imagining a breakup is unthinkable? Is it really possible to change something if life loved one is collapsing before your eyes? We asked psychologist Ekaterina Savina these and other questions.
Business card: Ekaterina Alekseevna Savina, director of the rehabilitation center charitable foundation"Zebra and K", a specialist in psychological counseling for drug addicts, alcoholics and their families. She studied psychological counseling in Russia and the USA. Certified Consultant chemical dependency(World Federation of Therapeutic Societies). Also graduated from St. Tikhon's Orthodox Humanities University. Member of the Orthodox Society of Psychologists.
- Ekaterina Alekseevna, what is codependency?
If there is a dependent person in the family - an alcoholic or drug addict, for example, then he lives crookedly. He cannot be loved because he pushes away any attempt at contact. And then, for this contact to take place, the loved one begins to live as crookedly as he does. Well, for example, when he ends up in the police station for drunken brawling, they start bailing him out. When he doesn't have money for drugs, they start giving them to him. And if he has problems, they begin to solve them: call his superiors and explain why he is not at work...
In general, a person comes into contact with an addict the wrong way. And his life also becomes crooked, mirroring the life of an alcoholic or drug addict. As they say - in someone else's feast there is a hangover. And in order to improve the situation in the family, the relative must first begin to recover himself, taking the risk of limiting contact with the addict and returning to his life, to his healthy state. And here, most likely, reproaches will fall: you don’t love me, you don’t help me... But only then does the alcoholic himself have the opportunity to begin to correct his life, and only then can genuine contact and true love arise.
Are there codependent relationships between people whose lives are not poisoned by alcohol, drug addiction, or other addictions?
We received a letter to the editor about the relationship between a daughter and her mother, which cannot be filled with meaning and love... And the mother does not ask all the time, but demands attention, exhausting her daughter, who has small children and is expecting a baby.
This letter shows that the relationship is no longer healthy. And it’s unlikely that mom herself will be able to line them up correctly. I think that the only way to help mom is to be a little less unhappy: to love her and show this love in some accessible ways. And to become a little happier, mom should do the second half of the work. And if mom doesn’t do her half, then no matter how much we try to console her, it will not work. Arranging a mother’s life, getting rid of loneliness, finding new meanings in her life is not a daughter’s task. A person decides these questions himself.
- So you shouldn’t set yourself the task of improving the life of a loved one?
In no case. It is always violence against a person, always an invasion. It is impossible to force feed a person.
As for the mother's demands on her daughter. Let's make an analogy. All parents need ours material aid. Not everyone has enough pension, and children should help. And here is our case: my daughter has a family, several children and another one in her belly. How much money should she give to her mother? As much as he can give from his family. Of course, she will limit her children, her husband, and herself, of course, in some way. He won’t buy fruit for the children, but will give it to his mother for medicine. It's clear. Medicine is important. But she should not destitute the family - make it so that the children have nothing to eat, and the mother will buy herself a new thing that is not very necessary. With money, as you can see, everything is quite simple. And attention is also a kind of currency. I need to understand: which part can I give away, and which part already belongs to others. And just because mom doesn’t get enough of the attention I give her, doesn’t mean I have to give her more. There is always a lack of attention. Always. But how much I give is up to me. But in a codependent relationship, this is decided by the mother. And so she demands, and I am tormented that I cannot give her one and a half of my lives.
When a person stops choosing for himself how much to give to whom, stops being free in his decisions, his actions begin to be controlled by his mother, or children, or husband, and she sits and says: “Oh, I’m so unhappy, everyone is forcing me, I can’t refuse.” ..." Or: "I can't give enough, and that's why I'm to blame..." Now this is codependency. This is a painful way of building relationships between people. First of all, because there is usually such manipulation - the mother says: “You are a bad daughter because you pay little attention to me.” And in order to become a good daughter, she needs to take it away from the children and give it to her mother. And become a bad mother. And her children will then reproach her for being bad mother. But she is a free creature. This is God-given freedom - to choose. And when a woman gives the right to decide for her to her mother or children, she delegates her responsibility and freedom to them (and gives it herself, voluntarily) and, as a rule, then blames them for this. But it’s so convenient for her: not to take responsibility.
Can codependent relationships be treated? Is it possible, by choosing the right tactics of behavior on your part, to straighten them out after some time and know that even after years, your mother will change her behavior too? Or should we not count on this?
Here you need to be responsible for yourself and treat your side. My mother may think that I am a bad daughter for life, but this does not mean that I should change my tactics. I can help her, persuade her, give some arguments. But ultimately, I cannot control other people's feelings and assessments. But when I try to be good to everyone, I definitely lose. Remember the old song where the donkey, the boy and the grandfather rode each other? It ended with the grandfather carrying both his grandson and the donkey. “Where it is seen, where it is heard, the old donkey carries the young one.” You can please everyone only in an absolutely ugly way - by deceiving someone, manipulating other people. Everyone is responsible for themselves. And, ultimately, before God. I gave my mother little attention. If I had it, but I didn’t give it: I was lying on the couch, soaking in the bath, or discussing shopping with a friend for three hours instead of talking to my mother, that’s what I will be responsible for. But if I didn’t have it, because it was given to my children or husband or patients, and so on, and I couldn’t dispose of it, because it doesn’t belong to me, and these people also absolutely need it, then I won’t be for is to answer to God. And I won’t answer to my mother.
- But how to get away from this feeling of guilt that gnaws at a person and prevents him from living?
This is very important topic. There is guilt, and there is regret. That I can't give more. Here's an example. I am a driver. I'm driving a car, and suddenly a cat flies out under my wheels. And I moved her. I like animals a lot. I will be very tormented because this happened. I regret this very much. I will bury her and mourn her. But it's not my fault. I couldn't stop her. And I couldn’t slow down. And here the situation is similar. The guilt here is inadequate. Adequate regret. There is never enough attention. As Okudzhava sang: “And, by the way, there are always not enough gingerbreads for everyone.” There is not enough love, time, health. This is true. But what I have, I must share among those I love. And I am responsible for this division.
Here is another letter - about a friend. Many of us are surrounded by quite close people who are constantly despondent and regularly try to share this hopeless feeling about life with us. These are relatives or friends, and you can’t just walk away from this painful communication and forget about it. But it takes strength from day to day. And, most importantly, it does no good to anyone.
Of course, you will have to suffer here. Because just as a doctor works with sick people, we, home-grown doctors and psychologists, try to help loved ones and therefore deal with dirt and pus, and an unpleasant odor.
But you don’t need to feed other people’s despondency either. Because the more we lament, agree or blame, the more people despondent. He needs to be told: if you need help, let’s start doing something, and I’ll help you with it. And if you just want to cry in my ears, then I can’t help you, and please don’t use me for these purposes. God gave each of us responsibility for our lives so that he could cope with it, and no one else should under any circumstances cover our lives, saving us from all troubles. Let's say a friend calls you and says: “I was fired yesterday, and today I have nothing to eat.” You answer: “If you come to me, I will feed you and try to find you a job together.” She: “No, no one will take me anyway. I'll have to starve to death! I’m hungry,” and cries into the phone. What are you going to do? Cry with her? No, because it will be very bad for both her and you. Because it increases despondency if a person sobs into your vest day after day and does nothing. And being a vest is not your place in the life of a loved one. Your place is help.
There is no need to break off the relationship. Especially with a loved one. They need to be built. But if you can’t help, and the person doesn’t see a place for you in his life other than as such a vest and he breaks off the relationship with you - that’s his choice.
I realized: it’s impossible to fix someone else’s life. But isn’t it right for loved ones to try to improve the life of an alcoholic or drug addict?
No. The more we try to get into their lives and force them to be happy, the worse it turns out. IN Lately, for example, the following practice has developed: a team arrives good doctors, takes a drug addict or alcoholic to rehabilitation center, they forcibly hold him there for several months and try to treat him. But nothing comes of this treatment. Because the recovery of a drug addict or alcoholic is associated with repentance. But it is impossible to force a person to repent.
- If a person nevertheless decides to undergo treatment, how long will it take for a full recovery?
If a person recovers in our rehabilitation center, then it lasts three months basic course, then another nine months - supportive. It happens even longer. First consultations, then - group classes which are more effective.
- It’s probably more difficult with drug addicts?
Can not say. Both are very scary. All my patients are difficult. And they study together. Alcoholics tend to be older and have more life experience. And drug addicts have more youthful energy, which alcoholics have so little of. They help each other well. And when they recover, they are like this wonderful people! And many people recover.
What can relatives do before or before an addicted person decides to change his life?
The best thing that relatives can do is to allow the addict to accept the full consequences of his behavior. Well, for example. The son drinks. Does not work. Lying on the sofa or acting up. And then the father must say: “You know, in our family this is not possible. You have to work and you can't drink. Now a drunken thug would break into our house and start destroying everything. What would I do? I, as the guarantor of the safety of our family, would take him by the collar and throw him out. And he would call the police if he himself does not have enough strength. And now this thug is my own son. That's why I tell you: you are not from tomorrow, but from today you stop drinking and go to work tomorrow. If you can’t stop drinking and are so sick that you can’t work, go to the hospital, to a rehabilitation center, I will help you. But you definitely won’t drink anymore in our house. And if you come home drunk tomorrow, I won’t let you in the door. Go wherever you want".
This is an ideal situation when there is a father in the house, and a sane one at that. More often, it seems to me, a single mother finds herself alone with her alcoholic son. Or a wife with a far from strong-willed character.
What prevents the wife or mother of an alcoholic from coming to a group with similar mothers, asking them how this can be said and how to maintain a relationship with her husband or son so as not to reject him? How to help him, wait for him, pray for him when he walks, and still say this. And the metal door new castle- it's in her hands. And then a person, sitting on a rug under the door of his own apartment, understands: it turns out that the way I live is the lot of homeless people: they drink, don’t work and don’t live at home. But, unlike those homeless people at the Kursk station, I have a wife or mother who will be happy to bring me kefir and slippers to the drug treatment hospital, who will be happy to pay for my rehabilitation center and participate in my recovery process. And she will be glad to take me home later. And if I don’t want to live like a homeless person, I know what to do. You see, it is very important that a person understands where he really is. Because if he lies at home on the couch, drinks and watches TV, and his mother sighs sadly: “Why isn’t he getting better?” - well, yes, then she will sigh for a long time.
Of course this is not the only way treatment of alcoholics and drug addicts. And not universal. Eat different people, including seriously ill patients - with HIV or tuberculosis - who cannot be left at the door. But that’s what psychologists and consultants and self-help groups are for, to find an acceptable path for each family. He is always there. There are methods family councils, motivational interviewing, there are groups of specialists who can come to your home and help motivate a person, and not take him away by force. And if she - a wife or mother - has enough courage to say: “That’s it, this won’t happen in our house anymore!” - you can figure out how to achieve this.
Interviewed by Natalia Zyrnova
Application. Question letters
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My mother is 74. She lives alone. And I'm the only one with her. We probably have too much strong connection, but it is painful. Mom feels unhappy and lonely. She says that she gave me her whole life. Mom wants such attention from me that I am unable to give her. She reproaches and scolds me. When I try to tell her about my feelings, she gets even more angry: “I’m completely crazy! How are you talking to your mother?!” And I have a husband, children, and I’m still expecting a baby. Last Thursday I called a taxi so she wouldn't have to walk home on the slippery road. But the taxi “arrived too quickly.” I listened to a lot of swearing about how I was kicking her out of the house. I wanted to say: “Mom, have mercy! I’m alone with the children all day, thinking about what to cook for dinner, how to manage everything... Have pity on me!” But she won't hear. She left with the words: “Don’t call me again, I won’t come.” It took me a long time to come to my senses... Then I began to lash out at the children, get offended and angry with my husband. I realized that I was destroying my family. I decided not to call her. The dead end is that even though I’m not calling, I’m still very nervous. I wake up at night and can’t sleep, I’m still trying to find some phrases, to figure out what to answer her when she asks: “Well, why don’t you call your mother for at least one word?” I have a friend. She lives in Tula, she is 48 years old, and her daughter is 14. They live terribly, she is an artist, the child is sick, there is little money. I actually help them as much as I can... But my friend keeps saying all the way that the whole world hates them... Anyway, yesterday she called me and said that she had been diagnosed with uterine cancer. And he says: “But now you won’t think that I bad person" I actually never thought so, but I say: “Well, yes, and now all your snot and inaction (to put your life in order) will be sharply justified.” She was offended, of course, and I’m terribly sorry. But then she started her mournful song about the fact that she had sinned so much that this was the payback, the child needed to be sent to a boarding school as soon as possible (she had been talking about this since the birth of her daughter), and in general such nonsense began to flow that I had to stop her and tell her : “If you want to fight and put your life in order, call me; if you decide to die, do as you know.” And as soon as I hung up, I was so overwhelmed that I almost cried for two hours. But the most important thing is the total helplessness that I feel. It always turns me off. You know, it’s like someone spits on two fingers and a wick with a brutal grin - one... and the candle doesn’t burn. And I myself don’t believe in anything and don’t want anything... What can I do?! I have a problem - my son is an alcoholic. He became like this very quickly (after a severe traumatic brain injury). And now he can't cope life's difficulties. He has changed a lot. His wife left, he quit his job, where “everyone is annoying” him, and he drinks, drinks, drinks all Last year. What do i do? After all, a mother cannot abandon her child, even if he is already 27 years old! And I can’t live for him, I can’t walk behind him! How can I help him? I'm in constant fear for him, I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, my work has become even worse. Every minute I think about him: has something even worse happened? I don’t even want to think about myself, although at work you need to smile, look good and not show it. I try, but I no longer have the strength to live. I don’t understand and don’t accept the talk that he made his choice! So I’m tearing my soul out of powerlessness. How to survive on your own, how to save your child? |
Codependency and Family Recovery 1. Addiction distorts family system(codependency) so as to use it to maintain the disease. The difference between love and codependency. 2. Codependency leads to suffering for all family members (some signs). 3. Stop using family! – rules and boundaries. 4. Overcoming denials of addiction creates motivation for recovery. 5. Let go of your loved one and keep your love? Expectation. 6. Ways of recovery: effective and false. 7. Continuing assistance when a loved one recovers.
Definitions of codependency. If a family member (any one!) becomes ill with alcoholism or drug addiction, the entire family is influenced and distorted by codependency. A codependent person is someone who allows the actions of other people to affect them strong influence, and therefore is obsessed with the idea of controlling these actions of theirs. Codependency is a compensation for insufficiency in the life of a drug addict or alcoholic, contributing to the continuation and further development dependencies. Codependency is a disorder family relations, in which a loved one generally takes over the main life functions of a drug addict or alcoholic, lives his life in his place, preventing the addicted person from beginning to recover. A codependent person does not live on his own, but exists for the dependent, thereby becoming a functional appendage of addiction. A codependent person places responsibility for his well-being on other people and circumstances, becoming a victim of their influence.
The fruits of codependency. A drug addict or alcoholic withdraws within himself: getting pleasure/getting rid of pain is relevant only to him, the rest serve this = addiction. The disease is “behind your back”, sacrifices are made to it. For the sake of saving a loved one (“saviors”), loved ones sacrifice love: He loses the freedom to make decisions, they make them for him: violence. Conditional “love”, condemnation. Fear, anger, resentment, recrimination, manipulation and use. "All means are good." The sacrifice is made to the addiction, not to the loved one.
Codependency is the “monkey” of love. LoveCodependency Love sees in another a Personality, he is tall. Codependency is proud and arrogant: “I will explain, force, push...”. Love is about sacrifice for the sake of another (patience, forgiveness...). Codependency is based on the absorption of another person by oneself, control. In love there is criticism towards oneself, mercy towards another. In codependency there is little criticism towards oneself, a lot towards another. Love is goodness embodied. Codependency leads to increased dependence and suffering for both. Love endures forever. Codependency remains in this century, draining people
Codependency leads to suffering (some signs of codependency). Fear of losing control over an alcoholic/drug addict and his whole life.. Mistrust, desire for power, violence - emotional, physical, spiritual; on guard all the time. Fear, excitement, anger, guilt - a heavy burden => the desire not to experience feelings, rather to explain and justify everything. Over - responsibility or irresponsibility. "I know what he needs." The ability to make impossible, unacceptable situations acceptable and somehow arrange everything. When asked for help, she cannot say “no”: refusal means that “I am bad, selfish, heartless.” Helping everyone and taking care of everything. “I am the “eldest”, and this has always been the case.” “I need to help someone who is close to me so that I don’t feel alone.” Inability to take care of yourself. Difficulties in close relationships. Intimacy and trust mean vulnerability. “In my family, we only touch each other when we fight.” "Ordered to Survive." the desire not to experience feelings, but rather to explain and justify everything. Over - responsibility or irresponsibility. "I know what he needs." The ability to make impossible, unacceptable situations acceptable and somehow arrange everything. When asked for help, she cannot say “no”: refusal means that “I am bad, selfish, heartless.” Helping everyone and taking care of everything. “I am the “eldest”, and this has always been the case.” “I need to help someone who is close to me so that I don’t feel alone.” Inability to take care of yourself. Difficulties in close relationships. Intimacy and trust mean vulnerability. “In my family, we only touch each other when we fight.” "Ordered to survive."> 
Violence in family Physical Security: Action plan in case of violence: Way to leave home; house keys and money, neighbor, relatives or friends; the decision to avoid a confrontation rather than provoke it or “stand to the death”; decision to call 911 or 02 if necessary. The madness of addiction can blind him to what he does in his quest to achieve use. You and your loved ones should not fall victim to this madness. Legal safety: The use, storage, transportation and transfer to another person (distribution) of drugs is a crime. Documents for real estate, car and other valuables: money, gold, loans. Registration. It is our responsibility to protect ourselves and our family. This does not mean that we have the right to stop caring for our loved one, to abandon him. We can and should help him get better - but not continue to promote his use. Under all circumstances, one must strive to maintain contact with him.
Establishing rules and boundaries These are clear rules by which the family will live in order to return to normal: the implementation of the functions of the family in relation to each of its members. Examples: Returning home until 24 hours, after which the family sleeps. If you don’t have time, you spend the night outside the house. Option: Everyone tries to spend the night at home; if that doesn’t work, they warn you by phone. He who took debts pays them back. If collectors call, you will have to issue a deed of gift for your share in the apartment to your father, so that the family does not have to live in a communal apartment. Option: The family pays monthly contributions to the bank if you go to recover. When you arrive, you work and pay yourself, or you leave. There is no law in the family. If you use it, you don’t live at home. We check with tests, if you refuse to take them, you leave. Option: Your family is not involved in your drug use and experience of the consequences. If it gets bad, we’ll help you get to the hospital.
Setting Rules and Boundaries (continued) A person must have a job. If you don’t want to go to the center, go to work, bring part of your salary and then you can eat with us. Option: We know that you distribute drugs. This puts the entire family at risk. Since the cause is your use, we demand that you recover. Otherwise, leave home, and immediately. We are waiting for you back through the rehabilitation center. You can only bring your wife home to spend the night, not your “girlfriend.” No one has the right to read other people's e-mails, SMS, look in pockets, enter a room without knocking, etc. No one has the right to insult, shout or use force. There should be no alcohol or psychoactive drugs in the house. Prayer and faith are an internal and voluntary matter; one cannot force or resist the faith of another. Boundaries can be changed by mutual agreement. Establishing rules and boundaries is a collective decision of the sober part of the family, its guarantor is main member families, others help.
How to let go of a loved one - and preserve love? “Letting go” = allowing your loved one to deal with the consequences of their addiction, which will force them to recover. This is an honest recognition of the fact that the family is powerless to stop the addiction or correct all these consequences. We mind our own business, tell the addicted loved one the truth about him, and wait for him to try to begin to recover. He doesn’t want to => is left alone with addiction => asks for help to continue using. Choice: you don’t use - and we help you; you continue to use - and you are left alone, and we are waiting for you to get better. Save contact! The ability to wait, pray and trust. Responsibility for your soul, and not for the soul of your dependent loved one. remains alone with addiction => asks for help to continue using. Choice: you don’t use - and we help you; you continue to use - and you are left alone, and we are waiting for you to get better. Save contact! The ability to wait, pray and trust. Responsibility for your soul, and not for the soul of your dependent loved one."> 
"An Honest Mirror" supports motivation for recovery. Denial of dependence on alcohol and drugs is a form of manifestation of dependence on them. Return to reality - helping an addict to recovery: Unconditional love in an addicted loved one. He is a person, and then he is a drug addict or alcoholic. Negative facts in the life of a loved one and other family members associated with addiction. Extant positive aspects life. Possibility of recovery. Need for assistance to achieve and maintain sustainable recovery. Hope, its signs - if the drug addict or alcoholic does not reject this topic and does not blurt it out (be careful!).
How to let go of a loved one - and preserve love? Detachment occurs from addiction, from an alcoholic or drug-addicted life, and not from a loved one. Letting go does not mean abandoning, selfishly engaging with oneself, or manipulating rejection. Preservation of love: 1. Prayer. “A mother’s prayer will raise you from the bottom of the sea.” You can and should pray yourself, as your soul asks, but it is easier to do this with the help of other people. 2. Small acts of kindness. Do not pamper - that is, allow him to do, and do for him yourself what you cannot do. But we will happily bring him a cup of tea, bless him, share our joy with him, support him. kind smile... This is a lot! 3. Repentance of loved ones. Often we become so obsessed with getting him better that we stop seeing him as a person. We see only ourselves, our goal. Having lost the ability to see a person, we lose contact with him, and at the same time the opportunity to help him.
Paths to recovery Recovery is the ability to live well without drugs and alcohol. Stages: 1. Refusal to use any drugs (including medications that alter the state of consciousness) and alcohol (with or without the help of doctors) 2. A course of rehabilitation (desirable). Model rehabilitation programs: Minnesotan, working on the “12 steps” program using educational psychological elements, while the “12 steps” program is the main means of recovery; The Therapeutic Community, in which the environment of recovering addicts is the main therapeutic force, and the rest, including the 12-step program, may or may not exist; Religious communities where the main thing is common prayer and the desire to live by faith. (“There are no Christian” centers, there are Orthodox, always based on a temple or monastery; Catholic; Protestant, very often extremely sectarian; Muslim; Buddhist and neo-Hindu “ashrams” are also known - be careful!) 3. Resocialization (supportive rehabilitation) (required!): Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, support groups in rehabilitation centers; family clubs and temperance societies, etc.
This does not work! A firm promise/desire not to drink or use: a person is powerless over addiction. Hope for a “new medicine”: addiction is both a passion and a disease, it is a spiritual phenomenon: pills will not help! Moving to another city, staying in another place for long periods of time: the addiction remains there. Changing social circle: dependence within a person. Magical actions. “Serious” conversations, threats, authority figures (“father, tell him!”): a person in active addiction does not control himself.
Continuing assistance when a loved one recovers. Relatives also need help: self-help groups Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (not to be confused with Narcanon - a sect!), lectures and groups at centers, churches, consultations, literature. Common sense in relationships: equal love, attention and support to all family members; let go of control over your loved one’s recovery; do not take responsibility for it; be able to wait and be patient with his mistakes; A breakdown is an undesirable scenario; “honest mirror” in a disruptive process (10-14 days); return of borders (they were not canceled!); error correction. There are no people who don't make mistakes. We need to find the courage to return to the path of detachment, tough love and prayer for the whole family. Patience, love, faith and courage are born and grow in the family, and the trouble that happens in the family can be melted into meaning.
Rehabilitation center "Zebra" Rehabilitation charity center "Zebra" is an outpatient center where drug addicts, alcoholics and their families recover. He works according to the Minnesota model in the 12 step program. At the Church of St. Tikhon Zadonsky runs an Orthodox seminar for alcoholics and drug addicts. The center also runs groups for all relatives of alcoholics and drug addicts who want to get help: “Orientations” (an informational discussion group), the “Steps” group (work on the “12 steps” program) and an Orthodox seminar. On the website of the Zebra center you can get detailed information about addiction, recovery and our center: Phone number for scheduling consultations and questions: 8 (495) ; 8 (499) Director Ekaterina Alekseevna Savina.
The head of the Zebra center, Ekaterina Alekseevna Savina, conducted radio broadcasts on Radio Blago in the early 2000s; recordings of these programs have been preserved and we decided to publish them. You can listen to lectures directly in your browser or by downloading them to your computer.
Family rules. Entry 2017.11.09
Ekaterina Savina about violence in the rehabilitation of addicts. Interview with Denis Zlobin.
Ekaterina Alekseevna Savina, head of the ZEBRA rehabilitation fund, speaks about the dangers of violent measures in the rehabilitation of addicts. Published: Oct 13 2017 on
Conversation on May 1, 2017 on Radio Radonezh by E. Savina with graduates of the Zebra Center
Alcoholism and drug addiction are not only a disease of the body, but also of the soul. The reason for use developed before the start of use. E. Savina talks with Zebra graduates about what alcoholism and drug addiction are and about the ways of recovery. About what makes a person
1. About drug addiction. Introduction.
Discussed general ideas about drug addiction and alcoholism, factors that contribute to, but do not determine their occurrence. The process of development of addiction is described. Recovery involves not only stopping use, but also long-term restoration of life in all its aspects.
3. Addiction - a family disease - part 1.
Alcoholism and drug addiction are a disease for the whole family. Codependency is a mirror image of addiction and promotes continued use. Codependents do not live, but exist for the alcoholic or drug addict, becoming an appendage of addiction. Codependency takes on the consequences of use, so the alcoholic does not need to change anything in his life.
4. Addiction is a family disease - part 2.
Codependency feeds the disease. About powerlessness, other people's roles and faith. Recovery of codependents.
5. The spiritual problem of recovery - part 1.
Epidemic of drug addiction. Family eclipse. The desire for an inner feeling of paradise. Manifestations of evil.
6. The spiritual problem of recovery - part 2.
(Evil: strength and goals; evil as a person, manifestation in the family. “Kai and Gerda”: desire to save and ignorance, seeking help and receiving it.)
7. Personal boundaries - part 1.
Boundaries: violation and non-definition, establishment and permission; maintaining order on my territory; adequate change. Maintaining boundaries: certainty in relationships and the right to life.
8. Personal boundaries - part 2.
Boundaries are the framework of family relationships that help these relationships be safe and fruitful. Boundaries help preserve love and help each family member learn their own responsibility. The family has the right to protect its safety. How to find your right boundaries?
9. Move away - part 1.
Detach yourself: separate yourself from his illness, do not live his life, stop “feeding” his addiction, do not take responsibility for the consequences of his use.
10. Step away - part 2.
What do we want to be? Give to God what is Divine. Move away from the disease, staying with loved ones and with love. How is responsibility activated if we live “with open doors”?
11. Talk about the soul.
The language of the soul is the language of feelings. How does the spirit manifest itself in us? Spirit is the most important thing in a person. Why are we given suffering and illness? Negative feelings: Should we exclude them from our lives or can we cope with them and turn them into a creative force?
12. About family.
How is a family created? What is most important in a family? What happens if a child is not sufficiently prepared for adult life? In what cases is parental dysfunction transmitted to children and how to avoid this?
13. About raising children - part 1.
Family is the main support of a person. A sick, destructive family cannot fully carry out its function. The adaptation of family members to a destructive atmosphere in the family is codependency. Mother and children in a family where the father is an alcoholic. Early “growing up” and controlling behavior of a child from such a family. Basic functions of a healthy family.
14. About raising children - part 2.
How to behave correctly with children from a dysfunctional family. Three rules by which a codependent family lives: “Don’t talk,” “Don’t feel,” “Don’t trust anyone.” Thoughts, feelings, actions of family members in trouble. What help is there for mom? Masks and roles of children who are trying to win love, achieve success and the attention of their parents. The first role is " family hero».
15. About raising children - part 3.
Difficulties that a “family hero” will face in adulthood. How can I help such a person? The second role is “scapegoat”. Takes on the stress of the whole family. Difficulties that the scapegoat will face in adult life. How can I help such a person?
16. About raising children - part 4.
The third role is “jester”. The function of this child in the family. Difficulties that the “jester” will face in adult life. How can I help such a person? The fourth role is “lost child”. The saddest role. What could be the consequences if you don’t help this child in time, how to help him.
17. About the soul and feelings - part 1
Psychology is a science that deals with the soul. Why is it important to take care not only of your body, but also of your soul. What are feelings, what are they for, where do they “come” from, what do they depend on, what do they “tell” us. How to learn to recognize, name, track your feelings and live comfortably with them.
18. About the soul and feelings - part 2.
Young people are trying drugs at younger and younger ages and don't see it as a problem . Thinking about our children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren - about everyone who may be affected by this terrible misfortune - we must ring all the bells, not just once a year, but constantly, tirelessly, because in Russia today you can increasingly meet drug addicts in the very at a young age.
Head of Drug Addiction Services Synodal Department for Russian charity Orthodox Church Alexey Lazarev emphasizes that it is becoming increasingly difficult for children and adolescents caught up in drug traffickers to realize that they need help. According to him, drug addicts are now “getting younger.” If earlier police officers were surprised to see 13-14-year-old teenagers using drugs, today they are faced with addicted 10-year-old children who, of course, are not yet able to understand the seriousness of the problem, to understand that they need treatment.
Almost a year ago, on July 3, 2017, in Moscow, in concert hall Russian State Children's Library, premiere screening documentary film Boris Dvorkin “Zebra”, created by “JemStudio” with the support of the Ministry of Culture Russian Federation and with the participation of “Positive Film” (artistic director - People's Artist of Russia Alla Surikova).
Chairman of the A Just Russia party Sergei Mironov assured those present that he would do everything possible to ensure that this film, dedicated to the problems of combating drug addiction and other types of addiction and codependency, was shown on central television. He promised to take this initiative to the President of Russia, if necessary. It would be interesting to know whether our TV channels showed the film “Zebra” and how Vladimir Putin reacted to Sergei Mironov’s initiative.
According to one viewer who has lived abroad for a long time, she experienced a real shock, although she had nothing to do with the problems mentioned in the film. In her opinion, it needs to be shown all over the world. But first, the film needs to be shown throughout Russia, where, according to the Ministry of Health, at the end of 2017 there were about 4 million drug users.
Although the number of registered drug addicts decreases annually by 2-3%, the number of people who try drugs for the first time is growing, including minors.
Church helps in the fight against addiction
Alexey Lazarev also draws attention to the emergence of so-called “designer drugs”. The creators of salts and spices change the formula of substances faster than drug police can include them in the list of prohibited substances, so it is extremely difficult to withdraw them from circulation. These substances form dependence and cause irreparable harm much faster, and a person begins to need qualified help earlier than he realizes. A the gravity of the situation. Therefore, it is very important that a rehabilitation center employee knows how to find an approach to such a person and convince him to start treatment.
A unified one is created in the Church Information system help for drug addicts
Every year 5-10 new church rehabilitation centers and other assistance structures appear in Russia. Today there are more than 200 church-based drug addiction help centers, including more than 70 rehabilitation centers, support groups and primary counseling rooms. The Synodal Department for Charity operates a Coordination Center for Combating Drug Addiction, which regularly organizes different regions training clergy and laity in methods of helping drug addicts. The Church is creating a unified information system for helping drug addicts, which will make it possible to distribute those wishing to undergo rehabilitation among centers in all regions of Russia, depending on the profile of the center and the needs of the addict.
The basis of the work is individual approach to every rehabilitator
According to Alexey Lazarev, now it is mainly relatives of drug addicts who turn to church rehabilitation centers dependent people who most often do not see any problems in their condition. Consultation rooms, created with the support of the Synodal Department for Charity, operate in many dioceses of the Russian Orthodox Church. At the request of relatives, consultants - employees of such offices who regularly undergo training - talk to drug addicts. They receive skills to form drug addict motivation for treatment. After talking with the drug addict in person or via a helpline, the specialist determines what kind of help he needs and gives appropriate recommendations. If necessary, the person who applies is sent to medical institution to undergo detoxification, after which he enters an outpatient rehabilitation program or is sent directly to a church-based or secular rehabilitation center. The center is selected based on the principle of territorial proximity, availability of space and compliance with the rehabilitation program, that is, the basis of the work is an individual approach to each rehabilitator.
"Another the most important task for us is to support motivation to preserve healthy image life, because sometimes after a “clean” period a person breaks down and starts using drugs again. For this purpose, church support groups are being created throughout Russia,” noted Alexey Lazarev. “In these groups, a person can find social, psychological, spiritual support, talk with a clergyman, discuss the problems that arise for him, and gain new strength to continue sober image life."
Not a zebra, but a solid black stripe
They say that our life is like a zebra: a black stripe replaces a white one, and a white stripe replaces a black one. But that's life ordinary person. The life of dependent people is a continuous black streak. And it seems that it will never end, that there is no way out... But there is! All the heroines of the film “Zebra” talk about this.
There are no sets or props in the film. Ordinary women sitting on ordinary chairs in an ordinary room. The only props were a black blanket, which psychologist Ekaterina Alekseevna Savina, director of the Zebra rehabilitation charity foundation and the Center of the same name, covered her head with former drug addict Ali. He recovered and now works at Zebra. The blanket is an addiction. And she should not be confused with a person. Women take turns turning either to a doll wrapped in a blanket, symbolizing dependence, which they hate and with which they enter into a fierce battle, or to their child, from whom they ask forgiveness for the fact that they loved him little and were little proud of him... Not every woman ready to star in a film about her relatives suffering from addiction. Not everyone is ready to admit that they were sick with codependency.
Codependency, being cancerous tumor on love, replaces it with oneself
According to psychologist Ekaterina Savina, codependency, being a cancer on love, replaces it with itself. The family of a drug addict or alcoholic often begins to adapt to his lifestyle, begins to live his life, thereby unwittingly supporting his illness instead of fighting it. Family members control the patient, try to save him from troubles, but by doing so they simply preserve the situation and save themselves from difficult experiences. And then drug addiction, alcoholism and smoking become a hopeless disease. Therefore, it is very important that the family begins to get rid of codependency.
Angel Ekaterina Savina
According to her, without this misfortune she might never have come to God
Irina Chizhikova learned that Ekaterina Savina helps in treating drug addicts and alcoholics back in the 1990s, when trouble hit her and her high school student son, a member of the water polo sports team, on the head. One of the team members hooked his comrades on the needle, and off we went. Of all his drug addict friends, he was the only one who survived; the rest have long been buried in the cemetery. Irina begged her son. According to her, without this misfortune she might never have come to God.
She didn’t get to see Katya Savina, whom Irina calls an angel. And only for the last 5 years has he been going to classes at Zebra on Wednesdays and Saturdays. To say that Irina and other members of this truly friendly family are grateful to Catherine is to say nothing.
Before the start of the documentary, which became a real revelation for everyone, speeches were made by film director Boris Dvorkin, a member of the Union of Cinematographers, head of the Aquarelle video studio at the Academy of Watercolor and Fine Arts of Sergei Andriyaki, producer Alla Surikova, consultant Ekaterina Savina, without whom the film would not have happened, cameraman Ivan Alferov and others.
The evening was also attended by the Chairman of the Moscow City Duma Commission on Health Care L.V. Stebenkova, Advisor to the Deputy Chairman of the Federation Council of the Federal Assembly of the Russian Federation G.N. Karelova O.A. Mishina, director of the National scientific center Narcology T.V. Klimenko, representative of the National Parents Association A.V. Gusev, representative of the Healthy Initiative OOD G.I. Semikin, members of the Council for the Prevention of Drug Addiction under the Federation Council of the Russian Federation and representatives of the Synodal Department for Charity of the Russian Orthodox Church.
God is stronger than addiction
Any mother remembers the first smile, the first babble, the first steps of her child, his school years, first victories and first defeats... And now the women who starred in the film “Zebra” themselves can’t believe that there was a time when a grown-up child chased them down the street, demanding money for a dose, and they shouted at the top of their lungs: “ Help!" How difficult it is to call the police to take your own son away! How painful it is to see that he is ready to kill you for a dose!
On the advice of a psychologist, in order to save their children, mothers were forced to throw them out the door... But now they thank God for their recovery, the creation of families, for the happiness of communicating with their grandchildren. The experience of these women can help other mothers who find themselves in similar situation and those who do not know where and how to get help. Many people think that there is no way out of this trouble. But there is a way out! You just need to not give up and... start with yourself. Yes, yes - you need to change yourself so that the lives of dependent relatives change for the better. And Ekaterina Savina, a happy wife, mother and grandmother, who is sure that there are no hopeless patients, will help them with this.
These women were able to beg for their children
It’s very difficult to even talk about the fight against drug addiction and one’s own codependency, but what is it like to fight them? Much of what these courageous women, who were not afraid to openly address the audience, talk about remained outside the brackets. How difficult it is to kick your beloved alcoholic son or drug addict daughter out of the apartment! “Put out on the street,” according to Ekaterina Savina, is not a very good expression, and, of course, it does not mean drive out and forget. Its meaning is that my mother says: “Your drug addiction entered the house with you, and the house began to collapse. We all get sick: anxiety, anger, theft from home, violence, lies. We can't live like that at home. If you want to continue living like this, leave. This won't happen here anymore. Use is out the door, and I’m not going to arrange a way for you to use outside the home: rent you a place to live, provide you with something else, etc. But if you want to stop, I’m ready to help, I’ll put you in a hospital, in a rehabilitation center, and I’ll try with you. In other words, return home through a rehabilitation center.”
I remember when the film “Zebra” ended, many viewers had tears in their eyes. Boris Dvorkin called the film's heroines onto the stage, and the audience greeted them with applause - wives, daughters and mothers whose children and other relatives were in trouble. Some of them have been drug addicts for 20 years. These women were able to beg for their children. They were convinced that God is stronger than addiction, and with God's help incurable diseases you can win!