A conversation with the Parkhomenko couple - priest Konstantin and psychologist Elizaveta, authors of the book “This is the inheritance from the Lord” - about work on the book, about the life of their family and about Orthodox upbringing
They have five children. During the day they educate them, and at night they write a book about this education. We started 10 years ago, when there were practically no Orthodox publications on this topic. They sat down, turned on the recorder and discussed various issues: “the child and creativity”, “the child and literature”, “the child and punishment”, “the role of the father and the role of the mother”, “the child and Communion”, “the child and fasting” - about 30 in total topics In 2009, all this was transcribed, edited and, with a large number of family photographs, posted on the Internet. The electronic version of the book received thousands, but many readers wanted to hold the book in their hands. In 2016, the Nikeya publishing house released the first part of the book by Archpriest Konstantin and Elizaveta Parkhomenko, “This is the inheritance from the Lord. Father and mother about raising their children." A second one is expected.
A book about personal search and experience
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: The peculiarity of our book is that it reflects the results of our parental experience and our searches. That is, everything we wrote about, we passed through ourselves.
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko: We tried to cover all the most pressing topics that may concern a person who wants to raise a child as a harmonious person and as a Christian. Our book differs from many similar books in that I, as a priest, and my wife, as a psychologist, were looking for common ground. We can say that in some individual points my opinion as a priest differs from the ideas of modern psychology.
But overall there is a consensus. That is, this book is not just notes from a shepherd or just a person striving for piety, it gives an idea based on all the achievements of pedagogical and psychological science.
E.P.: I think that this is not necessary for parents who live in a very harmonious family or are very close to some traditions. In our culture, being uprooted is helpful. Of course, traditions are different, some traditions are worse than their complete absence. But when a person is born in a certain traditional environment, he simply absorbs what surrounds him, young parents also follow a certain way of life and do not need any benefits - this has its pros and cons. An important part of parenting is to think about what you are doing and separate the good from the bad, the right from the wrong, to realize what is best to take from the tradition in which you were raised and what should be eliminated. And the opportunity to read books on this topic and think gives us great freedom.
Psychologist Elizaveta Parkhomenko
– What topics did you discuss while working on the book?
O. K.P.: My wife and I argued for a long time on the topic “Children and Literature.” What goal does literature and culture in general pursue—simply the all-round development of a child or the education of certain moral qualities? We know that you can be at the same time a very cultured and very immoral person, have an excellent understanding of, for example, painting and be a murderer. For us, believers, any phenomenon in this world is unacceptable if it does not lead to God, but leads away from him. And my wife and I thought a lot about what is acceptable and what is unacceptable for a child.
The same "Harry Potter". After all, on the one hand, this book with its magical world, in which you can command spirits, cast spells, can harm a little Christian, on the other hand, this popular book must be accepted in fact, as a phenomenon. And then, in 2008, the year we wrote the book, it was very popular. There was even a children's magazine “The Witch” published, our daughter brought it from school, we didn’t like it. And my wife and I thought about what parents should do in such a situation - say that such books cannot be kept in an Orthodox family at all, or read this book with the child and discuss it.
We came to the second option. Our eldest daughter did not want to be the “black sheep” at school, and in her class everyone was reading Harry Potter. We decided that if she wants, let her read it, but we also have to read this book and discuss it with her - so that the child gets clear ideas about what is good and what is bad in this work.
Responsibility, freedom...
– At what age can and should a child be given some responsibility for his younger brothers or sisters?
O. K.P.: It seems to me from early childhood. One of our children is now 3 and a half years old, and the other is two. And now we are teaching a three-year-old boy to look after his sister and help.
This morning at a church service I saw an amazing picture: one of our parishioners went to talk to me, and sat her seven-year-old son on a bench and gave him a bundle in his hands - and he sat and cradled his little sister. I was even a little scared to see how the little boy was holding this bundle with the baby and rocking it, I kept thinking that he would fall along with the baby. But mom trusts him. And I think that's right. Of course, you still need to control it, not leave it to chance, but cultivate responsibility and care.
- But they may object to this that the child is still small and should have a childhood...
O. K.P.: And he remains a child. The responsibility assigned to him is very gentle and pleasant for the child himself. All this happens not in a forced, but rather in a playful form. It’s good when a family is waiting for a new addition, so that the parents talk to the child about the fact that he will have a brother or sister. “Will you help me?” - “I will, mommy!” And, of course, when a baby is born, the older child can look after him, wash him a little, change his diaper, even feed him.
Parkhomenko family. Meeting your little sister
E.P.: It is important not to place an unbearable burden on the child, but, at the same time, to transfer certain responsibilities to him as he grows up. The child grows, more is required of him, but at the same time more is allowed. These are two sides of growing up. Both are very important. If, along with new responsibilities, a child has more freedom, he perceives them with joy.
Another important point is that responsibility must go hand in hand with rights and power. If I am responsible for something, then this responsibility benefits me and others only when I have enough authority to carry out what is required. It is not normal, for example, when a person is told that he must earn money, but is not given the right to choose how to earn it. Also, if parents ask older children to keep an eye on the younger ones, then they should delegate to them the power to influence the younger ones.
...and personal space
– But many who have younger brothers or sisters remember that in adolescence, for them, the youngest children in the family were a burden that their parents put on them, forcing them to take their small children with them to places where they wanted to go on their own .
“Psychologists are charlatans! What do they understand about the human soul?” - Christian radicals are convinced. But there is a union: the husband is a priest, the wife is a psychologist. How do they look at the issue?
In our time, hardly any church people are embarrassed by conventional medicine that treats bodily illnesses. With psychology, the situation is more complicated, and this is understandable, because psychology is the science of the soul. Therefore, a secular, unbelieving psychologist is perceived as a kind of charlatan: how can you engage in the science of the soul if you do not believe in its very existence, the soul?
However, there is also a Christian psychology. They talked about whether a psychologist who believes in the soul and a priest are competitive Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko and his wife, family psychologist Elizaveta Parkhomenko.
Why does a believer need a psychologist?
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko:
— The first and main task of the Church is to introduce people to God. For this purpose - worship, the Sacraments. Then - spiritual practice, that is, helping a person grow to the extent of God’s plan for him. In the first centuries of the Church, when people could end their lives as martyrs at any moment, there was no talk of such a method. But later the holy fathers appeared who wrote entire treatises on Christian morality and the fight against passions. And we ask ourselves: maybe this is all we need? Maybe we need to delve deeper into the study of the patristic heritage and limit ourselves to that?
I think this: the experience of the holy fathers is, of course, important, but a number of issues were not touched upon in their heritage or were little touched upon. And some issues were discussed in accordance with the ideas of those eras.
For example, the psychology of a Christian family is the relationship between spouses. At that time there were clear ideas that a wife should sit at home, do housework and obey her husband in everything. But times change - people change, their ideas about the roles of men and women in marriage change. And these changes are not for the worse.
I believe that we have begun to understand more deeply the mystery of gender relations compared, for example, with the time of John Chrysostom.
I think that modern psychology can help us in this aspect.
Second example: the world of childhood.
After all, the child, as a unique little cosmos, which has its own problems and whose thinking develops according to its own special laws, was also of little interest to the holy fathers and their contemporaries. And in recent centuries we have rediscovered the child.
Based on what we know today about man, about his psychophysical organization, about the work of his brain, we must rethink both ourselves and the patristic heritage.
When people ask me why a believer needs a psychologist, I say: “Imagine that a child has suffered psychological trauma, for example, become a victim or witness of someone’s aggression. Terrible processes begin in his psyche. How can the Church help him? Give communion, confess, and if he is under 7 years old, then give communion without confession. So what is next? What else can an ordinary priest do to save this child from these terrible experiences? How will he help the child bring to the surface and overcome what happened?”
Psychology is the science of the soul. And a psychologist, by definition, has time to work with a client; this is his work, for which he receives money. The psychologist is not distracted by other questions - he does not consider mystical or organizational topics: how to improve the life of the parish or social assistance, which are usually considered by the priest. It is very difficult for one person to combine priestly ministry and the work of a psychologist. In the same way, it is rarely possible to combine pastoring and medicine.
“It is important to distinguish between spiritual and spiritual issues”
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: I can give more ordinary examples: an adult has an inability to build relationships with loved ones, a child has enuresis, a teenager has suicidal tendencies. Or unmotivated aggression, obsessive thoughts and other neurotic manifestations. Can such a person come to Church and receive help? I think yes. If a person meets an attentive priest - balanced, wise, calm - and is ready to listen to him and sincerely follows the recommendations, he will feel better.
And perhaps a person will not just escape from his problems, but will find a solution to them. If, together with the priest, he develops the correct position in life and begins to act as he thinks and feels, his life will certainly begin to change. After all, the Orthodox view of the world gives a person a very integral life position.
This is one of the options for the development of events. But there is another option: a person may not receive help from a priest. Why? Because the priest may simply not have time - after all, such detailed communication with a person requires a considerable time resource, and there are many parishioners.
Or the priest may not have the knowledge necessary to provide such assistance. Of course, a person can change his life for the better, even if he just reads the Holy Fathers. But here the chances are even less if he does not have some kind of pastoral, spiritual guidance.
A common situation, unfortunately, is that a person misunderstood something in the teachings of the Church and did not receive wise instruction on this matter; as a result, his neurotic tendencies only developed and intensified.
There is another option: a person comes to a priest with his psychological problems - neuroses, fears, inability to build relationships with people, and the like, and the priest advises him to accept this as a given. A person accepts and lives with it. Yes, not everything can be cured, but a person may have some limitations, but in another area some joys. Yes, people have lived like this for thousands of years, which means it’s possible to live like this. Another thing is that the Christian approach involves using all opportunities in order to gain fuller joy from life.
In some aspects, a psychologist has more opportunities than a priest; it is easier for him to focus not only on a specific person, but also on a specific issue. Perhaps a priest could do this too, but then he would have to neglect many other duties. And therefore, it is important for people to distinguish between spiritual issues that a priest deals with, and spiritual issues that a psychologist deals with.
One for all? You might stumble
O. Konstantin: In the ancient Church there were different ministries: in addition to priests, there were didaskals (teachers), catechists, missionaries, prophets (the nature of their ministry was reminiscent of the spiritual activity of our elders), deacons (who were primarily concerned with administrative and social issues), and doctors.
Today, a priest must sometimes deal with a whole range of such problems alone. And then the priest, the presbyter, headed the Eucharistic community and monitored the morality of his flock, but, as a rule, did not go deep into unraveling the most complex tangles of the life of the parishioners.
On Sunday, a hundred people, or even two hundred or more, come to me for confession. Speaking with everyone, I only have time to find out how much this person’s life at least formally meets the criteria of Christian life: whether he is fornicating, stealing, killing, or planning something bad. The most I have time for is to give some brief advice. And finding out why a person acts one way or another is possible only in a long individual conversation.
So I once thought about how much, given my varied activities (preaching, teaching, services, missionary projects, etc.), I can afford to have spiritual children with whom I can talk in detail at least once a week or two. It turned out that no more than two dozen, more simply physically impossible. But there are much more parishioners... The Church cannot ordain a priest only for a few dozen people, to whom he will provide attentive, thoughtful, unhurried spiritual care.
So I am deeply convinced that it is normal for a person to be helped by both a priest and a competent psychologist. And I think that there should be a psychologist in every parish. Or, at a minimum, the priest should know the coordinates of a psychologist to whom he can refer someone if necessary.
What is the difference between a Christian psychologist and a secular one?
O. Konstantin: A secular psychologist proceeds from a worldview in the center of which stands a fallen man, distorted by sin, with his momentary desires, with all his delusions. But it is he who is accepted as a certain “norm”.
The Christian view assumes that the “norm” is not a fallen person with his “desires,” but the potential of this person in the Christian coordinate system.
You cannot indulge a person in his sins; it is important to help him get on the right path. When a married man who has a mistress comes to a secular psychologist and says that he feels guilty, the unbelieving psychologist may try to help him get rid of this feeling.
Whereas the task of a Christian psychologist is not to crush a person with this guilt, but to help him understand what is behind his betrayals, why he cannot remain faithful and leave his passion. A Christian psychologist in his work proceeds from how God wants this person to be.
And the guidelines here are the commandments and the individual extent to which a particular person can fulfill them.
Boundaries of competence
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: At the same time, a psychologist has limits of competence.
Helping a person understand the situation, showing him a choice - this is what a psychologist can do. But a psychologist has no right to tell a person to do only this way and not another.
And this is the similarity between the approaches of a believer and an unbeliever psychologist. I would even say this: the job of a psychologist is to help the person from the example understand what is behind his betrayal - what is really happening to him, what this situation of “cheating” signals, to better understand himself, his feelings, his thoughts. Then a person has freedom of choice in the true sense. And here the decision is up to the person himself. The psychologist will not broadcast his opinion here.
O. Konstantin: A believer can also communicate with a secular psychologist, take from him what seems important to him, and in church with a priest he can correct his moral position. I can easily imagine this because I have such parishioners.
Relationship Difference
— Should psychological services be paid for? Some people think - how can you pay for a “heartfelt conversation”?
O. Konstantin: Yes. If a person does not pay, then nothing motivates him to change, to follow the psychologist’s recommendations.
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: Money for psychological counseling is the responsibility of the individual. By the way, in communication between parishioners and priests, which is free, this often happens: a person communicates with a priest for years, complains about the same problems, receives valuable advice that he does not follow and always finds excuses, and for years simply does not change anything in his life .
O. Konstantin: For example, if no one talks to an elderly woman at home, and, of course, she is pleased that she can come to the priest, who will listen to her and treat her kindly, then this is normal. An elderly woman’s desire to speak out is understandable.
But when normal middle-aged people come and do the same thing, it is not useful for them. Even the priest burns out from such communication.
In any case, the priest should provide support to people free of charge. But the reality of our life is such that if I sit and talk to people like this, then I spend less time on other pastoral duties.
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: Money is not only motivation, but also boundaries. During therapy, a close, open relationship develops between the psychologist and the client. Perhaps a psychologist for someone is the first person in their life who listens to them and accepts them. Who then is the psychologist to the client? Friend? A parent? A teacher?
For the relationship between psychologist and client to be correct, boundaries are very important. After all, if I pay money for such communication, then this is definitely not friendship.
Therapy is only a fragment of life, like a rehearsal, we try something new here in order to then go out into ordinary life and start living for real.
O. Konstantin: While a priest is more like a father. No wonder they call him Father. And therefore, in his communication with the parishioner there should be no commodity-money relations. The difference between the relationship between a priest and a parishioner and the relationship between a psychologist and a client lies precisely in the boundaries. A psychologist cannot go to a party with his client, but a priest can go to a parishioner.
— How is a relationship with a psychologist different from a relationship with a priest?
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: Communication between the psychologist and the client is limited to the specific time frame of the therapeutic session. At the same time, as close a relationship as possible is established between the priest and the parishioner, and between the psychologist and the client. And the main difference here is not in the quality of the relationship, but in the hierarchy that is present in them.
For a priest and a parishioner, relationships are built from top to bottom - this is spiritual guidance; for a psychologist and a client, relationships are built differently.
People often come to me asking for my “teaching”, and I have to spend some time saying: “No, I’m not ready to take responsibility for your life, I won’t lead you, I’m not ready to be you.” mother. Our relationship will be that of two adults.” And money plays an important role in the formation of just such relationships.
But crisis assistance can be provided free of charge.
By the way, this is something that a priest can do, in which he can replace a psychologist and even cope with the task better than a psychologist.
You also need to understand that a psychologist is also a person and he needs to live somehow. If he provides his services for free, then the question immediately arises about his professional competence. After all, among other things, he needs to undergo personal therapy and attend many different courses in order to constantly improve his skills. And all this is very expensive. Plus personal and group supervision, which is also impossible without.
If the psychologist’s salary is paid by the state or some organization, for example, the Church, then, I think, it is possible to determine which services for the client will be free and which will be paid. It is clear that there are people with serious financial difficulties who also need psychological help. These cases require a special approach.
— Many people perceive turning to a psychologist as not an affordable luxury for everyone. And since the duration of work with a psychologist is unpredictable, a potential client often suspects that the psychologist will extend this period in order to receive additional profit.
O. Konstantin: Well, yes, there are such psychologists. There are also priests who also build relationships with parishioners. For example, the priest says: “Ask my blessing for all questions.” And the parishioner begins to behave in an unhealthy way, which leads to his infantilization, to the fact that his ability to make decisions atrophies. He becomes dependent on the priest.
I believe that this is a very dangerous version of clergy, mentoring, even if the priest does not do this out of malicious intent. This happens in totalitarian sects, where gurus try to control people. And this is directly related to money: parishioners thank the priest, give him gifts, and meekly fulfill certain requests...
Both in working with a psychologist and in relations with a priest, the criterion of benefit is: does the person become more mature, independent, better understanding of his motivation, capable of making the right decisions? Or does he constantly need a “mommy”?
Does a priest need psychological education?
O. Konstantin: The basics are needed. Including to provide crisis psychological assistance, and this is what the priest does often. But the basics of psychology are now taught in theological seminaries.
A priest must understand how to behave with mentally unbalanced people who come to churches, understand what and in what cases a person can and cannot say.
Without such understanding, the priest may behave too provocatively and harm the parishioner. Additional psychological education will not harm the priest.
I recently graduated as a family psychologist. And this makes my pastoral work easier.
A little-known version of the prayer of the Optina elders
— Is modern Orthodox psychology an adaptation of tradition to modernity or something else?
O. Konstantin: I think this is an adaptation of the achievements of modern psychology to Christianity. And in the church environment, the attitude towards psychology is changing for the better; society as a whole is becoming more literate in various issues, for example, in matters of raising children.
— Psychology invites a person to deal with himself, including his feelings of guilt. And Christian ascetics talk about constant self-reproach. Is there a contradiction here?
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: There is no contradiction. Patristic literature is still more focused on monks. And the monastic path is special: under the guidance of an experienced confessor, a person cuts off his will and is saved. The path to such obedience to the confessor is through absolute humility. But this is also rare in monasticism today. But in our country this maxim is often applied to the lives of the laity, which is neither appropriate nor useful. Because it's not possible.
For a layman, many qualities are important that are not relevant or even harmful for a monk. For example, if I do not know how to defend my interests, then I will not be able to defend the interests of my loved ones.
And a real relationship between spouses is when both people can talk about their needs and agree. If they try to introduce monastic practices into such relationships, nothing good comes of it, and people develop neuroses. I really like the prayer of the Optina elders, it contains the following words: “Teach me to act directly and wisely with each member of my family, without embarrassing or upsetting anyone.” More often we come across an option in which there is a dot in this place. But there is a more complete version, there is a continuation: “... without losing righteous firmness in the defense of goodness and order.”
Can a psychologist be a missionary?
— Every person, believer or non-believer, has his own ethical principles. Can a psychologist not broadcast his worldview at all?
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: The tool with which a psychologist “works” is his personality, therefore the psychologist’s personal attitude to the situation cannot but influence the work. It is important to find “your” psychologist, with a worldview close to you.
I do not call myself an “Orthodox psychologist.” I try to be professional. But I am a believer, I have my own worldview. And since the psychologist builds a personal relationship with the client, it is impossible to exclude me and my worldview from the therapy process.
It is not my task or competence to convert a client to faith. But seeing that I am a believer, the client may want to know more about my faith.
The client is always looking for his own psychotherapist, that is, as a rule, I have people in therapy who need me. Like any psychologist, I am not suitable for everyone. So, more often than not, in my case it is not missionary work that takes place, but catechesis.
Another thing is that precisely because church people come to me more often, issues of their perception of God, the Church, the topic of humility, obedience, and so on come up in therapy. The same humility often turns out to be a “defensive reaction” when a person says: “I love everyone” and thus protects himself from the world around him, from his true feelings. And then my work can have a kind of educational character - the client and I clarify that his perception of God and the Church is, rather, dictated by his internal prohibitions, including children’s, and has little relation to what the Church actually says. A person learns to think critically and perceive God and the Church more freely and vividly.
— There is an opinion that religion is a switch of attention, an escape from problems, and not a solution to them.
O. Konstantin: It happens. Here we can recall the words of Engels: “Religion is the opium of the people.” Religion in all centuries has helped people cope with stress and explain the incomprehensible. And now we have a slightly better explanation for thunder and lightning than the thundering of Elijah the Prophet's chariot across the sky.
But to help cope, to calm down, to survive does not mean to take away.
Not to “lead away”, but to transfer the problem to another level, spiritual, to see the “problem” before God, at its root, to understand His will for oneself and accept it - this is the meaning of “religion” as a connection with God.
God helps us solve our main “problem” - to understand ourselves and live life not in vanity, but truly, by discovering and realizing what He has planned for us.
And if a person understands “religion” this way, he begins to pray, and his life begins to change for the better both on a mystical and psychological level.
Is the religious client the most confused?
— Sometimes it is believed that a religious person is more prone to thinking in clichés, to self-deception, and to a distorted sense of guilt.
Elizaveta Parkhomenko: This is also true. In the Church, as in life, from everything that exists, a person sees and hears what he wants and can perceive. As in the Gospel passage: if your eye is pure, everything in you will be bright.
For example, a timid girl comes who is afraid to defend her position or believes that a close relationship with a man is always bad. It's hard for her to live with this. But here in the Church she hears monastic instructions on this matter - just about humility. And also about the sin of pleasure. Due to her attitude, she ignores everything else. And she sighs with relief - now her internal prohibitions have become external laws. She lives the same way as before, only now with the feeling that “everything is right.”
At first, this makes life a lot easier. But time passes, the girl is older, but has not created a family... And doubts begin: how can this be? It seems like he’s doing everything “right,” but there’s no joy!
My clients and I often analyze such situations: what they see in the teachings of the Church, and what they miss and why. And so we get closer to what the Church really says, and where is self-deception as a defense out of fear of living. From my point of view, such work brings us closer to true Christianity.
O. Konstantin: A person is in some kind of illusion. Does this mean that we should leave him in this illusion? Unfortunately, they often leave it that way and think that it’s normal.
I am sure that a person needs to be taken out of these illusions. Our Christianity must be sober. And it’s wonderful when there are shepherds who understand that monastic logic is not always applicable to our worldly realities. But there are few of them. More often, a person finds himself in an environment that becomes a breeding ground for his complexes. But the Church should not indulge human neuroses; on the contrary, it should fight them. Help free yourself from unnecessary fears, passions, ignorance.
Illness or demonic possession?
— How to distinguish a person with psychological or mental disorders from a possessed person?
O. Konstantin: In ancient times there was no psychiatry. People with mental problems walked the streets and frightened others with their behavior. This was perceived as demonic possession. Today we understand that often this is not demonic possession, but a mental illness, for example, hysterical neurosis.
But there is real madness. It can manifest itself from contact with a shrine. Although here, too, there are moments of mental illness, which manifests itself in excessive impressionability: a person was told that he was possessed, and he begins to correspond to this model.
It seems to me that signs of demonic possession appear in conflict with truth and goodness.
For example, if a person is irritated by everything connected with goodness, with love, and hatred and malice attract him, then one can suspect demonic possession. The same terrorist may be not only zombied, but also possessed. Any person who actively sins and finds pleasure in it can be possessed, even if he seems prosperous. And a huge number of people do not suspect that they are possessed. But in situations where a choice must be made, this madness manifests itself.
This is how in the 20s and 30s of the last century people destroyed churches, demanded reprisals against priests and brutally dealt with them - rejoicing in the fact that people were being tortured. What is this? It seems to me that this is not just psychological neglect.
- What can you say about lectures?
O. Konstantin: A reprimand is a phenomenon absolutely inconsistent with Orthodox tradition. Now, if you tell an Athonite monk about reprimanding him, it will seem strange to him. Although now they are used to people coming from Russia talking about it. Reprimand is absent in the patristic tradition; exorcism, as a practice, first appeared among the Roman Catholics. With us, confession, Communion, and a good Christian life drive demons out of a person.
- But during lectures, people shout in voices that are not their own, and so on...
O. Konstantin: It’s not a fact that this is demonic possession. Perhaps these are some kind of mental phenomena that can be explained from a medical point of view. I know cases when priests told some mentally unstable parishioners that they were possessed, and they believed this and, indeed, began to growl and bark at the sight of the temple, that is, they followed the model to which they were oriented.
Even before 1917, the Russian psychotherapist Krainsky wrote the book “Cliquery and Possession,” where he describes such mechanisms.
Therefore, I am not sure that barking and yelling necessarily means demonic possession.
In general, lectures often turn into a show: people come once, and they are told that they need to come regularly. And they begin to travel and take part in the performances that are performed there, some even settle nearby - and they themselves believe that they are possessed. But it seems to me that demonic possession manifests itself more subtly and terribly - rather, in the fact that someone commits reprisals against people or signs documents because of which people die, than in the fact that someone shouts at the Liturgy.
Yes, in a sense, we are all possessed, because we sin and indulge in some sins. And the more a person indulges in some passion, the more he feels that he is being guided by some kind of force.
Hello! I provide family and individual counseling.
ABOUT ME:
It is a great happiness to do something that you love and that interests you. Then the work is more satisfying and gets done better.
Psychology is my second education. Before becoming a profession, psychology for a long time was my hobby, my area of interest. I'll tell you how it happened: in 2000, a new member appeared in our still young family: an adopted child, and with him certain difficulties that we were not prepared for. We did not sit idly by and began to look for solutions to difficult situations. This is where my acquaintance with child psychology began. It turned out that you can always do something, change something for the better, and often simply solve the problem that has arisen.
We have a large family, five children, some very big and some very small. A large family is a great joy, a lot of positive emotions, but also a lot of constantly arising questions. During our marriage, we have probably faced most of the difficulties that a family can face. Actually, we continue to collide... and look for solutions to this day.
Family is a huge value for me. A place from which you can and should draw strength to overcome life's difficulties, a source of joy and peace. These are close people who will understand and support you, who will share your joy and sadness. After all, this is exactly what people entering into marriage expect from marriage.
It should be. Unfortunately, this does not always work out this way. There are so many stumbling blocks on the path to happiness. It is not surprising: two people, each with their own baggage accumulated since childhood, baggage of ideas, habits, conscious and unconscious aspirations, must live together. And not only to live: to exist on the same territory, but also to be together, to be close and dear to each other. Of course, it's not easy.
It's sad when family, instead of making people happier, becomes a source of problems for them. It should not be.
Who is a family psychologist? A person who knows the laws under which the family lives and can tell where and what needs to be corrected. A family is a complex organism and it is not always obvious what is wrong with it. It’s even more difficult for those inside this family to see this: it turns out that people want to change something for the better, but don’t know how.
Imagine: how many opinions, desires, demands are united in a family. It is clear that the family periodically experiences crises. Sometimes these crises drag on, some kind of push is needed for further movement. A family psychologist can be this push. It is joyful to see when, after a series of consultations, life changes for the better in a family, people become calmer and happier.
In what cases do you usually turn to a family psychologist:
– If there are difficulties in the relationship between the spouses (one or both spouses are very dissatisfied with something in their marriage; there are significant complaints against the spouse; it is not possible to come to an understanding regarding issues that are important for the spouses; the spouses quarrel a lot). Marriage should bring joy and make the people living in it happier. If this is not the case, something needs to change.
– The family has difficulties in relationships with someone from the extended family (parents and other close relatives of the spouses).
– There have been changes in the family that some of its members cannot get used to (this could be a change in family composition, for example, the birth of a child; or, conversely, the departure of grown children from the family; the emergence of new members in the event of remarriage, for example; moving).
– Something is troubling in the behavior of the children or the child (behaves badly, has stopped studying, does not comply with the parents’ demands, he has problems adapting to the children’s group, fears, enuresis, etc.). In this case, family therapy will be most effective. It is difficult to exaggerate the influence of the family on the child’s condition, and only through the joint efforts of all its members can difficulties be overcome.
– Someone in the family has psychological problems. Well, for example, a person is not satisfied and little happy with life, he is overly anxious, etc. In this case, individual counseling can, of course, help the person. But no less, and in some cases even more effective, will be counseling the entire family. Why? Because if everything is arranged correctly in the family, then a person receives there what he goes to a psychologist for: support and help in solving his individual problems. And if this does not happen, then there is probably something missing in family relationships... What? Family counseling with a psychologist can clarify this issue.
City: St. Petersburg
Marital status: Married
Answers about. Konstantin:
Is there an opinion of the Church that all partners will meet at the Last Judgment as spouses?
Partners? No. The Church never said that sexual partners would be together in eternity, but on the contrary, it was said that loving spouses would meet in eternity, because love is an indestructible property of the soul, it is an eternal value.
We can recall a whole series of Gospel expressions that tell us that there are certain values that will go with us into eternity.
Remember, “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break through and steal (Matthew 6, 19−20)". These heavenly treasures are what belong to the soul. Such things as kindness and nobility of the soul, inner beauty and purity, again, a will brought up in resistance to earthly temptations and accustomed to goodness - all this is capital of such a nature that will never be taken away from a person (Cf.: “Mary chose the good a part that will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:42).
Love is a feeling of the same order.
Describing the blessed life in the Kingdom of Heaven, St. Paul says that there will no longer be prophecies or any charismatic gifts (for example, ecstatic speaking in various languages - glasolalia, which was sometimes found in early Christian communities) ... But what will not disappear, will not end, is love! “Love never fails, although prophecy will cease, and tongues will be silent, and knowledge will be abolished... when that which is perfect comes, then that which is in part will cease (1 Cor. 13).
How can it be assumed that those who, according to the Word of God, have become one flesh (which means one being) (Gen. 2:24) will be separated?
There really will be no sexual relations in eternity. But true love is not reducible only to sex. And there will be such love in the Kingdom of Heaven.
When ordinary people look at churchgoers, they certainly experience something akin to envy, because they also want to be like that: calm, confident, kind, but HOW? How to become like that, how to find this grace and desire to live like churchgoers. Is this condescending to someone for some merit?
Of course no. After all, every churchgoer was once unchurched. You just need to start church life - become a church member. It is not difficult. People often come to my church and say that now they want to start the life of an Orthodox Christian. I talk with these people, and after the conversation many say: thank God, everything turned out to be so accessible.
Judge for yourself, if the Lord desires the salvation of everyone, would He make this path insurmountable?
What is required for a person who wants to take the first steps in faith? I will say this, but first two preliminary remarks.
Firstly: the Church frightens many with the complexity of the ritual, the abundance of some dogmas, canons, norms, which, it seems, no one has the strength to comprehend.
In fact, this wealth of the Church really cannot be grasped by one person, even the smartest. It is intended to be learned throughout one's life, to the best of one's ability. To enter the Church and begin to live the church life, you need very little. But as this life progresses, you begin to discover for yourself the depth of worship and the secrets of the Christian faith and everything else.
Is it not possible to live the fullness of a grace-filled life in Christ, for example, without knowing literacy, knowing the basics of faith, leading a good life, confessing and receiving communion? Of course you can.
Just 100 years ago, the majority of people were illiterate. At one time I myself (a Komsomol member, an activist who was preparing to enter university) came to faith thanks to the simple stories of one friend, and, note, at the end of the 20th century, a grandmother who could not write and read syllables.
Every day I discover something new in the ocean of Orthodox tradition that has been accumulated over 2 thousand years of Christian history. I heard something new in the service, learned about icon painting and through this I began to understand the icon more deeply, I read it from a holy ascetic of the faith, or from a theologian. The path to comprehending Orthodoxy is a lifelong journey.
Secondly: church life is not psychotherapy, not self-hypnosis. Everyone has probably heard the words grace, the power of God, the action of the Holy Spirit... All these expressions mean one thing: God really works. Church is not a place where we can buy candles and order some kind of request. This is a place where, through the sacraments performed - the meeting points of God and man, grace is poured onto a person, that is, the good gift of God.
God will never force a person to face Him. If a person wants to turn away, hide, run away from God, He will call, wait, admonish through life circumstances, but will not forcibly convert. The sacrament of meeting will happen only if the person wants it.
So, secondly, a person who has begun to live a church life will feel something invisible that is in the Church, which can be called a certain force, energy. It is impossible not to feel this power and grace.
For a non-church person this seems incredible, for us it is a fact.
And one more thing: the Church does not want to deprive a person of the joy of life, to diminish life. I really love the words of Christ: “I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).
The life of a Christian is brighter, lighter, more joyful than the life of an unbeliever. To know that everything you do is forever, that your acquaintances, friendships, and love will go into eternity and will not be interrupted by death... To feel that the gentle Heavenly Father is accompanying you unobtrusively and wisely through your life.
The desire to gain all this should lead people to God.
And now about the very first steps that a person must take on the way to the temple.
1. Still decide whether you want to seriously start a new life? The old, sinful, dark are in the past. The Lord will forgive everything and never remember if you turn to a new life with all determination. And, having decided to start a new life, prepare for confession.
2. Confession is the Sacrament of repentance. Having thought about all the evil that has been done for our godless life, sincerely repenting of this and wishing not to repeat our sins, we come to the temple and confess to God before the priest.
If you want to take communion on the same day, you need to prepare for communion. It is necessary to fast (abstaining from meat, dairy food, alcohol, entertainment) for at least 3 days; on the eve of communion, it is advisable to go to the evening service in the temple, and not have breakfast in the morning.
3. Confession is performed in every church in the morning, before the liturgy. On Sunday (and especially on holidays) there are a lot of people confessing (up to a hundred), so the priest, even if he wants, will not be able to give you the time you need for serious confession and conversation. It is better to come to confession on a weekday. Then there are about a dozen people. Even better, approach the priest and arrange to meet him in the temple one afternoon, on a weekday. Here you will actually have time for a thorough confession or conversation.
4. It is advisable to find a confessor, or confess to the same priest, that is, a person who will know you and represent your life at least in general terms.
5. You need to confess and receive communion at least once every 2, maximum 3 weeks. In addition, you need to pray morning and evening, begin to gradually fast, read spiritual literature, the New Testament, and lead an honest, clean, decent life. Do good, be a friendly person.
This is the bare minimum on how to start church life.
If a person on the path of his spiritual development feels that he needs another person? That is, a person motivates his search for plausible reasons and sincerely believes in it? Is this fornication? Andrey
Finding a spouse can and should happen. We can fall in love, be friends, get to know another through communication, but search and recognition do not imply cohabitation?..
Close relationships can... confuse young people. Why?
Any communication between two people (especially adults) is a meeting of two worlds with their own habits, views on life, etc. As we live together, issues arise that need to be resolved somehow, and sometimes it takes a lot of work to come to a compromise, to a solution that satisfies both parties. And any family life cannot do without this. During the period of courting each other, it is easy (sometimes not easy, but still possible) to see what the bride and groom are really like. How honest and open they are to each other, how they can listen and how much they listen to the opinions of others, whether they want to change, or whether they do not perceive anything other than their own opinion...
Sex takes relationships to another level, more tender and trusting. When you are in bed with your loved one, it is easy to forgive, it is easy to close your eyes to shortcomings, to brush aside problems.
Now imagine: young people met and began to live together. There is no genuine psychological “recognition” of another person with whom you have to live for decades. Everything is fine, smooth.
The lovers get married. And now, after a year, maybe two, when some getting used to each other occurs, when life poses real problems for the young, and sex ceases to be something dizzyingly alluring, but rather becomes a familiar way of marital communication, difficulties arise.
And it turns out that young people do not know how to solve these problems. They didn’t learn it when they needed to learn it, that is, before marriage.
Young spouses with such problems come to our temple almost every day.
Many argue that love between girls (young people) is no different from normal relationships between a man and a woman. It's the same love. Why does the Church not approve of such relationships?
If I understand correctly, we are talking about cohabitation, and not just about friendship between people of the same sex. Because the Church has nothing against sincere love that can exist between friends.
The Church is really against homosexual intercourse. Why? This is too big a question, but, in any case, not because, as one hears, the Church stands guard over medieval ideas that stifle freedom of life.
And not because, as they also say, the meaning of marriage is the birth and upbringing of children, and same-sex marriage cannot give birth to children.
Why is the Church against homosexual relations?
The Church sees our world through the prism of God's plan. According to this plan, man and woman are created, two completely unique psycho-physical worlds that must meet and become complete. We read about this in the story of the creation of the first people.
“And the Lord God said: It is not good for the man to be alone; Let us make him a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18). Here the word helper is more correctly translated as replenishing. In what ways does a woman complement a man? In being itself.
And what does this mean - corresponding to him? This word should be understood as the one that would have been before it. Adam needs Eve as someone in whom he could see himself. The Holy Fathers said that this is very important: to see yourself through the prism of a different view. Seeing yourself as if from the outside means seeing your shortcomings, correcting yourself, becoming more perfect.
Find the fullness of life in your husband/wife, reveal your character to the fullest, everything good and beautiful that is in your soul, see everything dark and evil and get rid of it...
It is this ontological task that spouses face. And, of course, the mercy of God, if God gave the spouses children. But even if there are no children, this does not mean that the marriage is flawed or unreal. After all, the main task is still achievable - gaining the fullness of life and saving the soul.
If we talk about sex, then this, of course, is an important component of a marital relationship.
This is an act of maximum openness, trust, tenderness towards your beloved or loved one. Truly, this is God’s gift to people and it can and should bring joy, and not be a duty, a barely tolerable “marital duty.” In every family, sexual relations have their place, but they are never an indispensable component of marriage. If one of the spouses is deprived of the opportunity to have a sexual life (illness, injury), this is not a reason for divorce.
If we talk about homosexuality, this cannot in any way be called the moment of God’s plan for the world. If we are talking about homosexuality as a fashionable cultural phenomenon (the lifestyle of musicians, artists), approving it is nothing more than encouraging sin.
It is more difficult with congenital homosexual inclinations (out of all homosexuals such people account for approximately 5%). But even here, the Church, of course, having compassion for sick people (and congenital physical or mental abnormalities of a sexual nature is precisely a disease), does not approve of this. Let's say, if a person has pathological sexual inclinations (sadism, sexual attraction to children, fetishism, etc.), no one will approve of this. The Church, I repeat once again, has compassion for such people, but says that the most correct solution to the issue would be to humbly bear this life’s cross and abstain from homosexual encounters. And through this a person will be saved.
How do you feel about same-sex relationships and gay marriage? Do you think the government should legally allow such a marriage? For example, in America, homosexuals are fighting for the right to marry each other.
It looks like I answered the first half of this question above. As for legislative sanctions for such relationships, I am against it. Legislation should not encourage or sanction sin or evil, even if it is socially non-aggressive. Let homosexuals live together if they want, of course there is no need to persecute anyone; who and with whom to live is everyone’s personal matter. But legislative approval should not equate this untruth of life with the truth. It seems to me that at the state level no sin should have support, although through condescension towards human weaknesses at the everyday level we can put up with something.
How to look for a groom if the majority of the church is women, and non-church people simply cannot understand such moral standards?
I don’t think that we should specifically look for a groom of a certain religious affiliation. It’s better to just pray that the Lord will send your loved one, and live your normal life. Bright, life-affirming, Christianly active. And after some time (even years) you will fall in love. Maybe this will happen in a church, perhaps, at an institute, at work, in a community of young Christians with whom you are doing something.
Even if your young man is not entirely a believer at the time of meeting you, in the process of communication, before marriage, you will see how much he knows how to listen, perceive you, how much he respects you. Agree, if a young man says that he doesn’t care about your faith, because he is an atheist and will remain so and doesn’t want to hear anything, there is something to think about.
I can't recommend anything else in general. The rest will be done in person.
How can you understand that you will live with a person all your life? After all, even love passes over time, and often very quickly? Sergey
Of course, when we get married, we take a certain risk. We risk that the person we love today will lose interest in us after some time, deceive us, cheat on us, and so on.
But this risk is inevitable.
What can you recommend? There is no need to rush into marriage. It’s better to spend an extra year talking to a person to see him from different sides.
But it's not only that.
Married life is work, a lot of work.
Love will not pass if we put some effort into it (more on that below). And if people get married who want to work on their relationship in advance, it will be helpful. If young people are not going to change on their own part, correct themselves, humble themselves, learn relationships, there will be no point.
Finally, it may happen that, despite all efforts, the relationship does not work out, the marriage breaks up. Well. You can remain a lonely person for the rest of your life, or you can pray that the Lord will send another person whom you will love. For the laity, taking into account all the situations that may arise, the Church blesses them to marry up to three times. (Clergy, for example, can only marry once.)
Don't you think that if sexual relations do not work out in marriage, then they will not take place? Why not check them before marriage so as not to be unhappy all your life?
What to do with physiology? Attraction occurs before marriage is permitted. Is masturbation a sin?
Indeed, a marriage can be greatly tested by the fact that sexual relations do not work out. But why should they not work out? Different sexual needs? But is this insurmountable for loving people? Wisdom, attentiveness of spouses, willingness to listen to the wishes of the other, it seems to me, will help overcome all problems. If, for example, one spouse feels desire, can the other spouse pretend not to care? And there is no need for a spouse who experiences less sexual desire to be proud of his erotic coolness. It is necessary not to “condescend”, not to “do a favor”, but to treat this differently. Remembering that erotic talent is also a gift from God, with all love, tenderness and dedication, you need to rush to your loved one and be with him.
This, probably, the other’s ability to be responsive, is the most important thing that guarantees the well-being of a marriage in all its elements (in sexual life in particular). And you can test responsiveness, you see, before marriage and not only through the experience of close relationships.
As for attraction... Yes, it awakens earlier. But man differs from animals in that he subordinates animal instincts to spiritual attitudes. There is such an Orthodox science - asceticism, which translated from Greek means the science of exercise. Exercises of the soul.
Such things as fasting, self-restraint, obligatory prayer, the discipline of attending divine services, and even the practice of standing during worship, all of this accustoms the body to obey the soul.
It's the same with sexual energy. Pray for the gift of your loved one and endure.
Which type of situation development seems more attractive to you:
A) A young man with the awakening of sexual desire rushes to satisfy it, using every possible means available to him...
B) Feeling that something new has happened to the body, pray for the gift of real great love, pray for a meeting with the one or only one for whom you are saving yourself. Protect the flame of eroticism in order to give all its unspent and pure power to your loved one.
As for masturbation (masturbation), it’s also clear. The Church considers this a sin. Why? Yes, because we can realize sexual feeling only in line with the God-given order of things. In a legitimate family.
Self-satisfaction is a dishonest weakness and, by the way, the innate moral law itself makes a person who has fallen into this sin feel some kind of impurity, disgust from himself or something.
There were betrayals. She confessed. Do you need to know (tell) your partner about these infidelities or let it remain a secret for him (her)? Is it possible or not to keep everything a secret?
Such questions are very individual, and I advise that such questions (even if it’s better not to be) are resolved with your confessor.
If the relationship between spouses is very close and frank, you can confess.
If there is a danger that the spouse will not be able to forgive, the confession will lead to the collapse of the marriage, I think it is better to remain silent. Having repented, never return to something like this. And let God forgive, do not forgive yourself. To love, to be gentle, affectionate, especially remembering your fall, but not to traumatize your loved one with confessions that are unbearable for him.
I can’t understand, in your opinion, marriage should be created for procreation or in order to have sex? If the first, then what about couples who are infertile and starting a family is impossible?
We try to talk not about our understanding of what marriage was created for, but about the Orthodox understanding. The Orthodox view is based on the testimony of the Word of God (the Bible) and Holy Tradition (the teachings of God-enlightened holy people).
According to the Orthodox opinion, marriage was created by God:
A) to complete the existence of husband and wife - “it is not good for a person to be alone; Let us make him a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18). It was already said above that the word “helper” means “replenisher.” Husband and wife complement each other in being. To be lonely for both men and women, according to the Word of God, is “not good.”
I advise you to read the excellent work of S. Troitsky “Christian Philosophy of Marriage” about this. This is the best that has been written on the topic of marriage, although the book was first published more than 70 years ago.
B) for the birth and upbringing of children - “be fruitful and multiply.”
C) to fulfill God’s plan for the world: “fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth” (Gen. 1:28), “the Lord God took the man, and he settled him in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it” (Genesis 2:15).
And other Godly reasons why marriage was created, but I won’t go into detail about that.
But how can you find that one and only companion, a sexual partner, if you don’t try to communicate with different people? Is searching also a sin and licentiousness?
We are not talking about finding a sexual partner, but about finding the one and only one we love. Anyone can become a sexual partner, because it’s just someone’s body to satisfy certain desires; the soul of this “partner” remains closed to you. Essentially, a sexual partner, even if it sounds rude, is a living rubber doll of the kind that are sold in special stores.
The person you want to spend your whole life with is a completely different matter. You start to get to know this person and you can’t get enough. Everything about him is interesting to you and everything is precious. How does your loved one live, what does he believe in, what inspires him, what helps him overcome sadness and despair, what makes him happy, what he sees as his role in the fate of this world.
How to meet such a person? First you have to fall in love. Or it could be the other way around. You start communicating by chance, and then gradually falling in love will come.
“You need to try to communicate,” as the author of the question says, with different people. But this communication does not imply sexual relations. The trouble with many young people and girls is that they understand “communication” as close relationships. And these relationships ruin everything. Why? I talked about this in answer to question 3.
What do you think about the fact that today’s youth begin having sex at a fairly early age?
This is true and it leads, of course, to various sad consequences. One of my parishioners who spent a turbulent youth, went through all sorts of sins, got into a lot of trouble through this, and finally turned to God, comes up to me and says with horror: Fr. K., I am beginning to recognize myself in my youth in the behavior of my daughter (12 years old). She is drawn to the same life that I left. How much I don’t want her to take this terrible path, but she doesn’t perceive me. If I could keep her from making the same mistakes I went through...
At the same time, the Orthodox Church (namely Orthodox) allows divorces for a whole list of reasons and weddings a second time.
“At the same time” - probably the author of the note means that we are talking about marriage and family in the highest terms. Marriage is truly a great event and a sacrament of God, it is an eternal institution. Christ likens the relationship of loving spouses to the mystery of the relationship between Christ and the church - “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church” (Eph. 5:25). At St. John Chrysostom we read: “When a husband and wife are united in marriage, they are not the image of something inanimate or something earthly, but the image of God Himself” (Conversation 26 on 1 Corinthians 2).
…But we live on earth, we are imperfect, so let’s be realistic. A marriage may not take place for a number of reasons. Personal sins of the spouses, infidelity, deception, drug addiction, alcoholism... In order not to turn forced family life into hell, the Orthodox Church allows such a marriage to be dissolved. And remarry. But didn’t the Savior, referring to the Old Testament permission for divorce, say, “Because of the hardness of your hearts, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives” (Matthew 19:8)? Please note - due to cruelty! That is, due to sins, due to weakness.
Have you and I become wiser and purer than those ancient people?
Therefore, in the modern Orthodox practice of allowing divorces, I see only wisdom.
Please explain the plot from the Gospel, when the Sadducees ask Christ about a woman who had 6 husbands (From the Gospel of John, chapter 4).
I just mentioned this in the answer to the very first question.
Why so many husbands are difficult to accurately comment on.
Most likely, biblical scholars say, these 6 men are men with whom the woman had an affair. “Jesus says to her: Go, call your husband and come here. The woman answered: I have no husband. Jesus says to her: You said the truth that you have no husband, for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband; That's right what you said. The woman says to Him: Lord! I see that You are a prophet.”
But perhaps this passage should be understood differently. This woman had 5 legal husbands. But now she is in an unlawful relationship with a man - “... the one you have now is not your husband.”
In any case, it is clear that the Savior knows absolutely incredible details of her personal life. And, of course, this assured the Samaritan woman that before her was truly a man of God - a prophet.
What does Christ’s answer mean that “they do not marry or be given in marriage, but remain as the angels of God in heaven”? How does this relate to the continuation of marriage into eternity?
In eternity, marriage will not disappear. There will simply be no physiological (in our sense) processes in the Kingdom of Heaven. Reproduction, sex life, etc.
But the love of spouses is not reducible to the communication of bodies. This is, first of all, a communication of souls. It is precisely this communication that will remain.
But I don’t want some people to panic. This does not mean that a person in the Kingdom of God will suffer from a lack of sex life. I’ll give you an example, it may not be entirely correct, the first thing that comes to mind. We know that in old age the sexual desires of spouses fade away. But love does not disappear. A person simply reaches another (not a higher, but simply another) level of existence. But you must admit, spouses who have lived together for 60 years are not sad that there is no sex in their lives now. This once happened and, thank God for it, but now a different time has come. They just feel good being together. Look after each other, walk, talk. It’s the same in heavenly life. We will become so different when the world is transformed that we will experience happiness from this new experience of existence. This new thing will immeasurably surpass everything that happened before: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor has it entered into the heart of man what God has prepared for those who love Him” (1 Cor. 2:9).
Please tell me, I am not familiar with the Bible, but I know that people “descended” from Adam and Eve. I am studying to become a veterinarian and as a biologist I can say that from a genetic point of view this is impossible. Since this results in closely related relationships (inbreeding). Then the Earth was inhabited by freaks. And people would degenerate in 1500-2000 years.
Questions of evolutionism are questions completely unrelated to religion; secular science should deal with these questions (back in the 12th century, the philosopher Hugo de Saint-Victor said this well: science looks at the world from the point of view of origin, and the Bible from the point of view of salvation). Could the Lord have created man, like every living creature, through a special creative action? Could. But he could also invest (and why not?) the potential for development into the creation. And the first cell began to develop from lower to higher.
We do not know at what point in history man appeared. Perhaps this happened when a species of animals appeared on Earth capable of receiving the divine breath and becoming like a person. This is very important to say: until God breathed the Holy Spirit into a living creature (for example, a monkey), it was a monkey. Man differs from animals not in body, but precisely in the presence of an immortal soul.
Some holy fathers say that during the creation of man the Lord could have used some animal. At Rev. Seraphim of Sarov we read: “The Bible says: “He breathed into his face the breath of life” (Gen. 2:7), into Adam, the first created and created by Him from the dust of the earth. Many interpret that this means that Adam did not previously have a human soul or spirit, but only flesh created from dust. This interpretation is incorrect, for the Lord created Adam from the dust of the ground in the composition about which the holy Apostle Paul speaks: “And may your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved without blemish at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Thess. 5, 23). All these three parts of our nature were created from the dust of the earth. And Adam was not created dead, but an active living being, like other animate creatures of God living on earth. But here is the power: if the Lord had not then breathed into his face the breath of life, that is, the grace of the Holy Spirit emanating from the Father, and resting in the Son, and for the sake of the Son sent into the world, then Adam, no matter how excellently he was created in comparison with other God's creatures as the crown of creation on earth, would still remain without the Holy Spirit within him, elevating him to godlike dignity. He would be like all other creatures, although having flesh and soul and spirit, belonging to each according to their kind, but not having the Holy Spirit within him. When the Lord breathed the breath of life into Adam’s face, then, in the words of Moses, “man became a living soul,” that is, completely like God in everything and like Him, immortal forever and ever.” (Quoted from: S. Nilus. Great in small. Sergiev Posad, 1911, pp. 189−190).
Similar considerations were expressed in the 4th century by St. Gregory of Nyssa, and in the same XIX St. Theophan the Recluse. In the 20th century, many Orthodox theologians adhered to evolutionary views, but we will not list them.
I will summarize what has been said with the profound (if you think about it) words of the professor of the Moscow Theological Academy A. Osipov, who in his famous book “The Path of Reason in Search of Truth” writes: “For Christianity, the question of how various types and forms of life appeared is including a person, is not of fundamental importance. For if “where God wants, the laws of nature are overcome,” then all the more so does he create the “laws of nature” themselves as he wants.”
Finally, let me remind you once again: man could have come from a monkey, but only thanks to the fact that the Lord breathed a divine spark into this monkey and endowed it with His image and likeness.
Tell us how you met?
(The answers, which are generally similar, have one interesting feature. Fr. K. and Lisa responded to them in writing, and each did not know how the other would answer. Thus, two completely autonomous answers turned out.)
O. Konstantin: We met at the Theological Academy. I then taught at Orthodox pedagogical courses, Lisa attended these courses. After one of the classes, she came up with a theological question. I will not exaggerate if I say that I immediately fell in love with this sweet girl with her sincere questions. That's how we met. A year later they got married.
Elizaveta: I then went to courses at the Theological Academy. Many questions worried me, but I did not receive answers to many of them in these courses and did not know in which books to find the answer. Many priests I approached also did not answer me, apparently because they were busy. I wanted to approach some teacher so that they could at least give me some advice, some literature, or give me the right direction of thought. To be honest, it was not so easy for me, I was embarrassed to bother the person and ask him any questions. I decided to approach one of them, because I was pleased with his kind and especially attentive attitude towards people.
That's how we met.
The habits and mores of society in modern times have made it possible to trample on some tenets of the Old Testament: we do not kill animals on Sundays, we do not sprinkle blood on the horns of the altar. Why can't we reconsider our attitude towards sex?
In the Holy Scriptures of the Old Testament there are things that are eternal, and there are things that are temporary, conditioned by some moment in the history or life of the people of God. The eternal ones include, for example, the 10 Commandments of Moses. Laws such as do not kill, do not steal, do not commit adultery cannot be revised. But ritual moments and advice regarding the way of life of the people can be reconsidered.
In the New Testament, Christ not only did not abolish the moral commandments of the Old Testament, but strengthened them: “... I tell you, if your righteousness does not exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, then you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. You have heard what was said to the ancients: Thou shalt not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Answers from Elizaveta Parkhomenko:
Sex is a natural physiological need of the human body. What to do if the only one who has become a husband cannot satisfy this need?
I don't quite understand the question. Loving people communicate and share their experiences with each other. And such problems (if it concerns, for example, temperament) should be solved through mutual efforts and work on oneself. It’s natural to give up your desires for the sake of your loved one. Without this, there will be no real marriage. And this can only be achieved by working on yourself. If a husband, for example, wants tea, but his wife does not want to go make tea, but she will gladly make these efforts, then she herself will receive much more as a result than if she remains sitting in a chair and enjoying peace of mind. This is also true in sex. That is, if the issue is temperament, then the solution is a trusting relationship and effort.
But, if a person is sick and therefore cannot satisfy this need, then sex is an important component of marriage, but not the main one. The main one is love for a person, his soul. And if it just so happens that a loved one is sick, abstinence should be a joyful feat for his sake.
And if two young people decide to live together forever, love each other and are 100% confident in each other, live together, are there any factors that interfere with marriage? (money, family, something else). It turns out that living together in this case is not a sin?
What does sin mean - not sin? Sin is not something that, for some unknown reason, is forbidden to us by God. The literal translation of the Greek word for sin (amartia) is failure to hit the target. And this literal translation very accurately reflects the meaning of the concept. Sin is not something attractive, but something forbidden. Sin is what prevents us from getting closer to our goal - God. Therefore, marriage is not a sin; a Christian family has every opportunity to grow in God. Fornication is a sin; it slows down the soul on its spiritual path.
The described situation cannot be correct for two reasons. Firstly, the Christian family begins with the church Sacrament, the Sacrament of marriage, the Sacrament of blessing the beginning of the life of young people together. This is a very important moment for deeply religious people. We ask for God's blessing on smaller enterprises, especially since we cannot help but ask for such a difficult and responsible task as building a family. If money, parental pressure, or something else is still more significant and important to you than God’s help, then it is better to wait until the beginning of family life. Such a life will not rise to the level of a genuine Christian family, because... Initially, your family is focused more on worldly values than on divine ones. However, everything here is very individual, but the Church knows that the correct basis for a lasting marriage is either to ask for God’s help and overcome difficulties together, or to wait until you have the strength to do so.
Secondly, the Church understands well that a person cannot be completely objective towards himself, and also cannot know in advance how this or that situation will turn out. Unfortunately, there are many examples when people who are absolutely confident in the depth of their feelings after some time understand that they cannot live together. Therefore, the Church advises to first check your feelings, and only then get married. Abstinence is also a test. And the Church requires those who are married to work on themselves, and even if people understand that they have made a mistake, the most correct thing would be not to separate, but to work on the relationship.
Adolescence is considered a difficult age. This is quite fair and not surprising, because this is a transition from dependence to independence. From complete helplessness, almost absolute unity with parents, a person must move on to an independent adult life. Archpriest Konstantin and Elizaveta Parkhomenko discuss the difficulties of this period in their new book “This is the inheritance from the Lord. Father and Mother about raising their children,” an excerpt from which we offer you.
Archpriest Konstantin Parkhomenko with his family
It is generally accepted that for a teenager the family ceases to play an important role and that the function of parents is mainly to raise the child until this age. This is wrong. Although, of course, control should be weakened: the child begins his own life, the foundation of his personality is laid. However, this does not mean that family and parents fade into the background.
Another thing is that in life a teenager often gets out of the control of his parents and isolates himself from them in every possible way. This happens because at the previous stage, in an earlier period, the child’s connection with the family was not strong and harmonious enough, and then, indeed, the teenager begins to distance himself from his parents and even push them away. In this case, parents have no choice but to come to terms with the existing state of affairs, since it is too late to radically change anything. All that remains is to pray for your growing children, so that, no matter what, they will be able to choose the right path and, having passed this difficult age, will want to return to their parents. We must pray and gently support them when necessary, be there for them, and let them know that they can always count on parental help.
If the child’s relationship with his parents was close and harmonious, then the family continues to be important for him during adolescence. Moreover, during this period the teenager especially needs the approval and protection of his parents. It’s good when a grown-up child has good, supportive friends, but it is very important that his parents become something like older friends for him. This is only possible if there were friendly relations before.
I repeat that how strong the distortions of parental love were at the previous stage, so strong will be the problems during this difficult period. As teenagers, we reap the benefits of past years. If freedom and respect are not something that a teenager has won for himself, if they have always been present, then in general the relationship remains the same, the teenager continues to be drawn to the family. A teenager perceives everything acutely and painfully, experiences failures and problems greatly, actively searches for himself, but at the same time needs affection and support from his parents. Another thing is that this is not always obvious; sometimes at this age he does not consider it acceptable for himself to show the need for parental attention. Parents should be vigilant and responsive to their teenager, carefully ensuring that the amount of tenderness and affection that the child receives at this age does not decrease.
You can compare the soul of a child to a container that needs to be filled with love and affection in time. Teenagers are only seemingly independent and self-sufficient; in fact, they constantly need their parents to fill their “emotional containers” with love.
However, this is complicated by a number of factors. In adolescence, children often behave inappropriately, display the worst traits of their character, get tired quickly, get irritated easily, withdraw into themselves - in general, they become not the most pleasant interlocutors. However, the other side of this behavior is a heightened perception of life. In order for a teenager to feel confident and calm in the world that he is discovering for himself in a new way, parents should try to be doubly friendly, even when the behavior of their matured child does not contribute to such an attitude. If parents show wisdom and respect, then there is no need to worry about their children and hope that they have enough strength and energy to overcome the difficulties of adolescence and find the right path in life. The amount of responsibility that the new status of a teenager places on them will not seem like an unbearable burden to them.
Father Konstantin:
There is an opinion that during adolescence it is impossible to get along well with a child, at least for parents.
Elizabeth:
This is certainly not the case. I know of many cases where adolescence passed quite smoothly and calmly. He was a storm in comparison
with the rest of the child’s life, but calm compared to the adolescence of other children.
It happens that problems are hidden for the time being. During adolescence, they break out, and then it is akin to a volcanic eruption. If the line of upbringing was correct, then such an eruption will not happen - there will be nothing to erupt. After all, for a mountain collapse to occur, snow must first accumulate. Again, a comparison can be made with seeds and shoots. The previous period - pre-adolescent childhood - is a time when the results are not yet obvious, but then both good and bad are laid down, which are now manifested.
However, even in the case of the calmest, smoothest passage of adolescence, there are a number of moments characteristic of youth that cannot be avoided, and it is not necessary.
Father Konstantin:
What do you mean?
Elizabeth:
Adolescence is a time of active self-discovery, a time when a grown-up child tries himself in different roles, in different areas of life, strives to understand his place and tasks in the world, and decide on the direction of further development. In these searches, he often goes to extremes. This is natural: in order to ultimately achieve the golden mean, he must first try everything, get to know everything and comprehend everything.
The child is conservative by nature. He loves the old, familiar, traditional, associated with his previous experience. He doesn't take too kindly to sudden changes. A teenager, on the contrary, tends to reject the old, established and look for new forms. This is not only normal, but also necessary. A teenager is looking for his way in life. If adolescence goes well, then there is no need to worry: then he will return to what he rejected.
The Nikeya publishing house invites you to a meeting with Archpriest and psychologist Elizaveta Parkhomenko!
The meeting will be held as part of the book presentation "This is the heritage of the Lord" in “Bukvoed” on Vladimirsky Prospekt, 23 April 11 at 19-00.
Father Konstantin:
It’s like the joke that says that at the age of five a child thinks: “Mom knows everything.” At twelve he thinks: “Mom doesn’t know something.” At fifteen I’m sure: “Mom doesn’t know anything.” At thirty: “I should have listened to my mother.” This, of course, is just an anecdote, but some points in it are noted very accurately.
Elizabeth:
The desire to distance yourself from everything familiar and traditional is completely natural for this period. On the contrary, the complete absence of such trends during this period should be alarming. In this case, it is more likely to say that something is wrong with the child. Perhaps the child is not mature enough, not ready enough to become an adult, independent person.
The desire to reject the old and seek and create their own new largely explains the desire of teenagers to unite in groups with strange forms of clothing, their own slang, and moral standards. Boys and girls want to separate themselves from everything that is familiar, established, and dictates its own rules to them. A teenager is drawn to peers who are like him and who are looking for the same thing. This is where the desire to listen to one’s own music, different from what one’s parents like, comes from, and to behave differently than is customary among the older generation.
For prosperous teenagers, this desire to be different, to reject the traditional and familiar is especially evident in the choice of music and clothing style.
But if the parents were unable to give the child genuine love, he usually, entering adolescence, begins to throw out accumulated irritation and dissatisfaction on them, and express active protest against their behavior, upbringing, and their attitude towards him. In his thoughtless protest, he sometimes goes as far as rejecting his parents, drug addiction, crime, and connections with bad companies.
But even a prosperous teenager finds himself in a very difficult situation. On the one hand, he also wants to rebel against the old and look for the new, but, on the other hand, he has no inner need or desire to rebel and resist his parents. Choices in music and clothing are often the few ways in which he can express his thirst for innovation. The task of wise parents in this situation is to direct this age-related feature in the right direction. We will return to this issue a little later and talk about how this can be done.
The human personality is always a personality, unique and eternal, be it the personality of a small child, an adult or a teenager. Until the 20th century, the child was generally treated as an inferior, unformed being. Now this is not the case, but still, the personality is fully revealed only in adulthood. Until then, we can talk about personal growth. Adolescence is the final stage, although personal growth will continue to occur throughout life. Let's imagine that we are waiting for a flower to bloom. We are glad to see the sprout, but still we are waiting for the flower. And the most amazing thing begins when the transformation occurs - a bud appears and a flower opens. What is all this for? To emphasize that transformation must happen to everyone who develops well. Each to its own extent, depending on previous life, but these natural changes that require effort from the child cannot occur completely unnoticed.
Culture offers the new generation youth movements, its uniform, clothing, music. It has always been this way. In all this there is a challenge to the previous generation. Wisdom is to understand the naturalness of this process. Let's take music for example.
It is understandable that parents who have musical taste and strong moral compass do not want their children to listen to the products offered by mass culture. What I mean is that often the music is only in name, and the lyrics have no meaning or the meaning is clearly immoral, or, even worse, immoral in disguise. A teenager’s personality develops intensively, and it doesn’t matter what a person’s head and soul are doing at such an important time.
The question of a wise and clear position is especially acute for believing parents. In Orthodox literature concerning issues of education, there are two opposing opinions. The first, especially widespread in the Orthodox environment, which is inclined to conservatism, is the tendency to protect the child, as far as possible, from everything that modern culture offers him. It is very difficult to call this trend reasonable. A prosperous child strives to express himself in the style of clothing, in the choice of music, that is, in the most innocent way, and from his parents, a good relationship with whom is very important for him, he hears words of disapproval and rejection. It is important for a child to be understood by his parents, including the need to look for new things. It is not surprising that the prohibitions here turn out to be ineffective and erect a wall of misunderstanding between parents and children.