For yourself?
To understand yourself better, you need to be able to ask the right questions. Stephen Aitchison's 30 provocative questions can serve as an example of such internal dialogue.
What are the right questions? Probably those that help you see yourself from the outside, through the eyes of an outside observer.
If everything in your life is going great, you can quickly skim through S. Aitchison’s 30 questions (or even not read them at all) and move on through life with a joyful smile. What if something in your life is not going as you would like?
Often a person finds himself in deadlock:
No progress;
— no expected results;
- no prospects;
- it seems to you that there is no way to move from " dead center." This can apply to any area of activity: relationships, work, health, career, friends.
Some people call this state “rat race”, others – “ familiar zone comfort." This may be due to depression or loss of strength. What to do in such a situation?
Stop and calmly analyze what is happening to you.
IN Lately many began to turn to professionals for help: psychologists or personal coaches. They help you understand yourself and existing problems.
What does a psychologist or coach do?
Asks the right questions. In this case, in no case will a professional answer for you. He will only lead you to the right question.
If you want to figure out your own specific impasse, re-read Stephen Aitchison's list of 30 provocative questions. If you answer them honestly and truthfully, then most likely you will find hints: where to move next.
30 provocative questions by Stephen Aitchison.
1. What can I do today to achieve my goals?
2. What time are you most productive at work?
3. What can I do today to pamper myself?
4. What are 5 things I can be grateful for in my life?
5. What can I do today to make a difference in someone's life?
6. What is my best character trait?
7. What do I really want to do with my life?
8. Do I really want these people (list) in my life?
9. What can I do to save a small amount every day?
10. How much TV do I watch during the day?
11. Do I really need all these things?
12. When I'm in last time read good book?
13. When was the last time I said “No”?
14. Does it really matter what other people think of me?
15. What do I want to achieve this year?
16. What's the next one? great goal"What do I want to achieve?
17. What can I do to feel happy?
18. When was the last time I broke the boundaries of my comfort zone?
19. What are my life values?
20. What steps should I take today in order to move towards my plans?
21. What should my ideal day look like: from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed?
22. What good habits would I like to instill in myself?
23. How can I get rid of bad habits?
24. Who inspires me the most?
25. What qualities do people I admire have?
26. Will my dreams remain just dreams, or can I make them real?
27. What would happen if I let go of _______________?
28. What do I really love about my job?
29. What would I do differently if I had the opportunity to live this moment again?
30. What will I do after reading these questions?
After reading this list, the conclusion suggests itself: The more often we review our emotions, feelings, habits, thoughts, the simpler, easier and more interesting we will live.
Often the right question asked of yourself makes you move better and faster in the right direction. By answering it, you have a vision of new possibilities, you begin to feel a surge of strength and energy.
For me 30 provocative questions by Stephen Aitchison became an example of how to ask yourself questions correctly and really lead to another realization: how and where to move on. Especially from the 25th to the 30th.
How to ask questions correctly to yourself?
Do you have a problem with this?
How correctly and promptly asked questions help you in life?
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An important component communicative communication is ability to ask questions.
Questions are a way to obtain information and at the same time a way to switch the thoughts of the person with whom you are talking in the right direction (whoever asks questions controls the conversation).
With the help of questions, we build a bridge for ourselves into the unknown and uncertain. And since uncertainty and the unknown are characteristic in the modern, rapidly changing world, developing the ability to ask questions is very relevant.
“Sorry for the misunderstanding, I didn’t understand you correctly” is a phrase that can often be heard in conversations between people. So, so that you don’t have to say it, learn to ask questions correctly. A correctly posed question, allowing you to find out your partner’s intentions, helps to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts. After all, sometimes, neglecting the opportunity to ask a question, or not asking it in right time, we open the way to guesses and conjectures, various speculative constructions, create the wrong impression about others, attributing to them non-existent qualities, advantages and disadvantages, which often leads to misunderstandings and conflicts.
Whoever you are, a leader or an ordinary manager, coach by trainer or a psychologist, in any area of life you will need the ability to ask questions correctly. In any conversation, both business and personal, the right questions help:
- Show interest in the personality of the partner and interlocutor;
- Ensure “mutuality,” that is, make your value system understandable to your interlocutor, while simultaneously clarifying his system;
- Receive information, express doubts, show your own position, show trust, be interested in what is being said, show condescension and show that you are ready to devote the necessary time to the conversation;
- Seize and maintain the initiative in communication;
- Change the conversation to another topic;
- Move from the interlocutor’s monologue to dialogue with him.
To learn how to ask questions correctly, you need to pay attention to the correct construction of internal dialogue and study the main types of questions in external dialogue.
INTERNAL DIALOGUE(questions to yourself) organizes our own thinking and helps us formulate thoughts. The relevance and quality, precision and consistency of the questions that arise in our minds greatly influence the effectiveness of most of the actions we take.
In order to organize internal dialogue one must understand that its purpose is to analyze any of the problems. A set of relevant questions will help to comprehensively analyze any problem (situation). There are two options for questions.
The first option is seven classic questions:
What? Where? When? Who? How? Why? By what means?
These seven questions cover problematic situation entirely, and perform its verbal and logical analysis.
The second option for analyzing the situation is a set of six questions:
- Facts - What facts and events are relevant to the situation in question?
- Feelings - How do I generally feel about this situation? How do others supposedly feel?
- Desires - What do I really want? What do others want?
- Obstacles - What is stopping me? What is stopping others?
- Time - What should be done and when?
- Tools - What tools do I have to solve this problem? What means do others have?
Use any of the two options when organizing an internal dialogue. When a problem arises, analyze the situation by asking yourself questions, bring your thoughts to clarity, and only then begin to act.
Importance and significance EXTERNAL DIALOGUE, is asking the right questions, which are much better than a monotonous monologue. After all, the one who asks is the leader in the conversation. Also, with the help of questions, we show the interlocutor our interest in the conversation and in deepening it. By asking, we express to the person the desire to establish with him a good relationship. But all this happens when the conversation does not resemble or look like an interrogation.
Therefore, before starting a conversation or business conversation, prepare a series of questions for your interlocutor, and ask them as soon as you move on to the business part of the conversation (in a normal conversation, as soon as you touch on the topic you need). This will give you a psychological advantage.
Questions of external dialogue can be raised in specific forms and there are the following types:
Closed questions. The purpose of closed questions is to obtain an unambiguous answer (the agreement or refusal of the interlocutor), “yes” or “no”. Such questions are good only when it is necessary to clearly and clearly determine the presence of something in the present, past, and sometimes in the future (“Are you using this?”, “Have you used this?”, “Do you want to try?”), or attitude towards something (“Did you like it?”, “Are you satisfied with this?”) in order to understand how to proceed. Closed questions (and yes or no answers) shift our efforts in a specific direction.
You should not immediately push a person by asking such questions to make a final decision. Remember that it is easier to convince than to convince.
It's another matter when you deliberately ask a closed question, which is difficult to answer with a negative. For example, referring to generally accepted values (Socrates often used a similar method): “Do you agree, life does not stand still?”, “Tell me, is quality and guarantees important to you?” Why is this done: the more often a person agrees with us, the wider the zone of mutual understanding (this is one of ways of manipulation). And vice versa, if you can’t pick up correct question, and often hear “no” in response to leading questions, the likelihood of your proposal being rejected as a whole increases. Therefore, achieve agreement on small things, do not start the conversation with contradictions, then it will be easier to achieve the desired result.
Open questions. They do not imply a definite answer, make a person think, and better reveal his attitude to your proposal. Open questions are good way obtaining new, detailed information that is very difficult to obtain using closed questions. Consequently, in conversation it is necessary to use open questions more often, in their various variations.
Ask for facts that will help you understand the situation: “What is available?”, “How much?”, “How is it decided?”, “Who?” etc.
Find out the interests of your interlocutor and the conditions for satisfying them.
Find out your interlocutor’s attitude to the situation under discussion: “What do you think about this?”, “How do you feel about this?”
Suggest, in the form of questions, another (your) solution to the problem: “Can we do it this way..?”, “Why don’t we pay attention to such and such an option..?”, while arguing your proposal. This is much better than openly saying: “I propose...”, “Let’s do it better this way...”, “I think...”.
Be interested in what your interlocutor’s statement is based on: “Where are you coming from?”, “Why exactly?”, “What is the reason for this?”
Clarify everything that is unclear to you: “What (how) exactly?”, “What exactly..?”, “Because of what?”.
Find out unaccounted for points, both personal and business: “What did we forget?”, “What issue did we not discuss?”, “What was missed?”,
If there are doubts, clarify their reasons: “What’s stopping you?”, “What worries you (doesn’t suit you)?”, “What is the reason for the doubts?”, “Why is this unrealistic?”
Characteristics of open questions:
- Activation of the interlocutor, such questions force him to think about the answers and express them;
- The partner, at his own discretion, chooses what information and arguments to present to us;
- With an open question, we bring the interlocutor out of a state of restraint and isolation and eliminate possible barriers to communication;
- The partner becomes a source of information, ideas and suggestions.
Since, when answering open questions, the interlocutor has the opportunity to avoid a specific answer, divert the conversation aside, or share only information that is beneficial to him, it is recommended to ask basic and secondary, clarifying and leading questions.
Main questions– are planned in advance, can be either open or closed.
Secondary or follow-up questions- spontaneous or planned, they are asked to clarify already stated answers to basic questions.
Clarifying questions require short and concise answers. They are asked in case of doubt in order to clarify the nuances. People are almost always willing to delve into the details and nuances of their affairs, so there is no problem here. Unless we ourselves often neglect to ask clarifying questions, while our interlocutors are just waiting for this from us in order to make sure that we have understood everything correctly. Don't be shy and don't forget to ask clarifying questions!
Suggestive questions These are questions whose content makes a certain answer obvious, i.e. are formulated in such a way as to tell a person what he should say. It is recommended to ask leading questions when you are dealing with timid and indecisive people, to summarize the conversation, or if the interlocutor has started talking and you need to return the conversation to the right (business) direction, or if you need to confirm the correctness of your judgment (belief in the profitability of your proposal) .
Leading questions sound extremely intrusive. They almost force the interlocutor to admit the correctness of your judgments and agree with you. Therefore, they must be used extremely carefully.
In order to know how to ask questions correctly, you need to have an idea of all kinds of these issues. Using questions of all types in business and personal conversations allows you to achieve various goals. Let's look at the main types of questions:
Rhetorical questions are asked in order to evoke the desired reaction in people (to gain support, to focus attention, to point out unresolved problems) and do not require a direct answer. Such questions also enhance the character and feelings in the speaker’s sentence, making the text richer and more emotional. Example: “When will people finally learn to understand each other?”, “Can what happened be considered a normal phenomenon?”
Rhetorical questions must be formulated in such a way that they sound short and concise, relevant and understandable. Silence in response serves as approval and understanding here.
Provocative questions are asked with the aim of causing a storm of emotions in the interlocutor (opponent), so that the person, in a fit of passion, reveals hidden information or blurts out something unnecessary. These are provocative questions clean water manipulative influence, but sometimes it is also necessary for the benefit of the matter. Just don’t forget, before asking such a question, to calculate all the risks associated with it. After all, asking provocative questions you are being challenged in some way.
Confusing questions transfer attention to the area of interest of the questioner, which lies aside from the main direction of the conversation. Such questions are asked either unintentionally (if you are interested in the topic of conversation, you should not ask about things that have nothing to do with it) or deliberately out of a desire to solve some problems. own problems, direct the conversation in the direction you want. If, in response to your confusing question, the interlocutor asks you not to be distracted from the topic under discussion, do so, but note that you want to consider and discuss the topic you stated at another time.
Also, confusing questions are asked with the aim of simply avoiding the topic of conversation, either because it is not interesting (if you value communication with this person, you should not do this), or it is inconvenient.
Relay questions- are aimed at being proactive and require the ability to grasp your partner’s cues on the fly and provoke him to further reveal his position. For example: “Do you mean by this that...”.
Questions to demonstrate your knowledge. Their goal is to show off their own erudition and competence in front of other participants in the conversation, and to earn the respect of their partner. This is a kind of self-affirmation. When asking such questions, you need to be truly, and not superficially, competent. Because you yourself may be asked to give a detailed answer to your own question.
Mirror question contains part of a statement spoken by the interlocutor. It is asked that a person sees his statement from the other side, this helps to optimize the dialogue, to give it true meaning and openness. For example, to the phrase “ Never assign this to me again!", the question follows - " Shouldn't I instruct you? Is there anyone else who could handle this just as well?»
The “Why?” question used in in this case, would call defensive reaction, in the form of excuses, justifications and a search for imaginary reasons, and could even end in accusations and lead to conflict. The mirror question gives a much better result.
Alternative question is asked in the form of an open question, but contains several answer options. For example: “Why did you choose the profession of an engineer: deliberately, followed in the footsteps of your parents, or decided to enroll for a campaign, together with a friend, or maybe you yourself don’t know why?” Alternative questions are asked to activate a taciturn interlocutor.
A question that fills the silence. good the right question can be filled in awkward pause, which sometimes arises in conversation.
Calming Questions have a noticeable calming effect on difficult situations. You should be familiar with them if you have small children. If they are upset about something, you can distract them and calm them down by asking a few questions. This technique works immediately, because you have to answer questions, thereby being distracted. You can calm an adult in the same way.
Requires compliance with the following rules:
Brevity is the soul of wit. The question should be short, precise and clear. This increases the likelihood of a response to it. When you start complex, lengthy arguments, go far from the topic, you may even forget what exactly you wanted to ask about. And your interlocutor, while you are posing your question for five minutes, is wondering what exactly you want to ask him about. And it may happen that the question remains unheard or misunderstood. If you really want to come from afar, let the explanation (backstory) be heard first, and then a clear and short question.
So that after your questions your interlocutor does not have the feeling that he is under interrogation, soften them in intonation. The tone of your question should not show that you are demanding an answer (of course, unless this is a situation where you have no other choice), it should sound in a relaxed manner. Sometimes it will be right to ask the person you are talking to, ask permission - “Can I ask you a few questions to clarify?”
The ability to ask questions is inextricably linked with the ability to listen to your interlocutor. People are very responsive to those who listen to them carefully. And they will treat your question with the same degree of care. It is also important not only to show your culture and interest, but also not to miss information that may serve as a reason for clarifying questions or for adjusting what has already been prepared.
Most people various reasons are not ready to answer direct questions (some have difficulty in presenting, and some are afraid to convey incorrect information, some do not know the subject well, others are limited by personal or corporate ethics, the reason may be restraint or shyness, etc.). In order for a person to give you an answer no matter what, you need to interest him, explain to him that answering your questions is in his interests.
You shouldn’t ask a question that starts with the words: “How could you...?” or “Why don’t you...?” Correct question This is a request for information, but not as a hidden accusation. When the situation requires you to express dissatisfaction with your partner’s actions, it is better to firmly but tactfully tell him about it. affirmative form, and not in the form of a question.
So, having learned how to ask questions correctly, you can get the (professional) information you need from your interlocutor, understand and get to know him better, find out his position and motives for his actions, make your relationship with him more sincere and trusting (friendly), activate him for further cooperation, and also discover weak sides and give him the opportunity to figure out what he is wrong about. It’s clear why psychologists often talk about art rather than ability to ask questions.
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The most important element of communication is the ability to ask questions correctly. After all, this is how the interviewer gets the information he needs and switches a person’s thoughts into the right direction. That is, it is this person who bears the responsibility for managing the conversation, and it is he who, through the correct phrase, can avoid omissions and conflicts and form a correct idea of the interlocutor.
Start with yourself
If the interviewer knows how to ask a question correctly, then in a conversation they will help him in the following:
- show that he is interested in the personality of his partner and interlocutor;
- in ensuring " interpenetration" That is, people communicating with each other will be able to draw conclusions about each other’s value system;
- in obtaining information, demonstrating one’s own position and attitude to what was said;
- conducting dialogue and holding the thread of the narrative in one’s own hands;
- transfer communication to another area;
- bring the interlocutor’s monologue to a logical conclusion and begin a dialogue with him.
If you don't know how to ask questions, buy a book that teaches you about it. In any such publication, you will be asked to learn how to first formulate your own thoughts and ask yourself about something, and only then from your interlocutor. After all, the effectiveness of most of the actions you take will depend on the relevance, quality, accuracy and consistency of phrases.
Before you start asking your interlocutor about what interests you, you need to let him know that this dialogue is interesting to you and you want it to deepen. By asking, we subconsciously want to establish a good relationship with the person, but this is only possible if the conversation does not resemble an interrogation.
How can you learn to ask the right questions? It is unacceptable to show up to a conversation unprepared. You should have a sketch of phrases that you should start asking when the dialogue moves into a business direction or touches on a topic that interests you. This will give you a psychological advantage.
Ability to ask closed questions
During the conversation, the interviewer can ask both closed and open questions. The first ones are designed to get an unambiguous answer “yes” or “no”.
If you want to get a clear and precise answer from your interlocutor, you ask him: “ Did you do such and such?», « Are you planning to try it?», « Have you received satisfaction from own actions ? and so on. However, if you do not want your interlocutor to come to final decision ahead of time, do not ask him about anything in this form.
It's another matter if you want to get a definite answer "yes". Experts advise starting any conversation with precisely such phrases and it is advisable to get at least three unambiguous “yes” answers, so that later it will be easier and more convenient to communicate with a person, because the zone of mutual understanding will become significantly wider.
Ask him this way: “ Do you agree that the river cannot be turned back?" or " Do guarantees and quality matter to you?" Get agreement on small things and then it will be easier to get it on something important and big.
Ability to ask open questions
How to ask open-ended questions correctly? In this case, the interviewer does not expect a definite answer to a given phrase; he wants to find out the person’s attitude to the subject under discussion.
You can find out everything about the facts and events related to a given situation by asking: “ Who has anything to do with this?», « What attempts have been made? etc.
You can find out how your interlocutor feels about the situation under discussion: "What is your opinion on this matter??», « What impression did they make on you?? and etc.
Do not impose your point of view on your interlocutor and never say: “ Let's do this», « I think this is what we need" and so on. It’s better to suggest this: “ Would you like to consider this solution to the problem??», « Or maybe it would be worth it?. Be interested in what your opponent’s statement is based on: “ What is the reason for this decision??», « What do you rely on? and so on. If there is any doubt, it is better to clarify than to be left unsatisfied by the conversation.
Features characteristic of open questions:
- involving the interlocutor in the discussion. Phrases asked in this way force him to think and justify his answer;
- the interviewee chooses what exactly to say and how to answer;
- a given phrase is a good way to bring a person out of a state of isolation and restraint and eliminate all existing barriers to communication;
- the interviewee is perceived as main source information, suggestions and ideas.
Other types of preset phrases
But the interviewer must always be alert and, if necessary, ask leading, clarifying or any other question.
How to ask a clarifying question to a man or woman? If there are any doubts and nuances need to be clarified, the interviewer can ask: “ How many people exactly were there?», « What time did this happen?" and so on. As a result, the interlocutor will make sure that you understood everything correctly, so he often expects you to ask him about it.
A leading question leads to a certain thought, pushes a person to what he should say.
If the topic of the conversation has gone sideways or the interviewer is looking for a way to confirm the correctness of his interlocutor’s judgment, he can ask a leading phrase, but keep in mind that it always sounds intrusive and forces the interlocutor to agree with his opinion, but this is not always advisable.
We love to ask questions, more often to others than to ourselves. Behind this lies the shifting of responsibility for one’s life and decisions, the search for an authoritative figure - a symbolic ideal parent who knows everything and will always help. The search is a priori unsuccessful and blind. How to learn to ask yourself questions correctly and finally accept responsibility for your own life?
We ask advice from a thrice-divorced friend about her relationship with her husband, from a childless neighbor about raising children, from a bankrupt friend we consult on business matters. For what? Yes, sometimes we just don’t understand that only accepting responsibility allows you to build your life the way you want, to realize yourself, not to blindly repeat the mistakes of others, but to productively learn from your own.
There are questions about our life, the answers to which only we know: they are related to our subjective experiences, desires, needs, invisible and incomprehensible from the outside. For example, “What profession do I want to choose?”, “What partner should I go through life with?”
Another part of the questions to yourself does not have clear answers, but they need to be asked for the sake of the process of reflection: “What is the meaning of my life?”, “Who am I now?”
Such “questions and answers” allow you to get in touch with yourself, become authentic, realize yourself productively, establish contact with your unconscious and use its resources.
How to ask questions
Five important rules
So, all you need is some free time and the opportunity to reflect in silence.
1. The question you ask yourself should concern you exclusively.
Our unconscious knows everything about us and very little about others. “Will there be a magnetic storm on Mars tomorrow?” - the question is in the wrong place. You can ask questions to help you make a choice and clarify your own true desires and opportunities, suppressed feelings, causes of ailments.
2. Of course, the question should be relevant, and not asked out of idle curiosity.
The unconscious responds only in response to an important request; it should not be “disturbed” over trifles. Otherwise, it may turn out like in a fairy tale in which the boy shouted: “Wolves, wolves!” - for adults to come running to save him. They came running so many times on a false signal that later, when the real danger, did not come to the rescue and the boy was eaten by wolves.
3. Positive wording of the question.
Avoid the particle “not”, the words “get rid”, “throw away”. Everything is very simple: unconsciously we never give up anything, we decide to save it “in reserve.” Remember the parable about Khoja Nasreddin? One moneylender was drowning in the lake; they held out their hands to him, shouting: “Give me your hand!” And only Khoja Nasreddin thought of extending help with the words: “Here, take it!” The greedy moneylender could not give anything, he could only take...
Any of our patterns or habits can come in handy sooner or later. Unconsciously, we only acquire new things, but do not give up the old. So don't ask yourself "how to get rid of excess weight"or "quit smoking." Look for positive wording: “How to motivate yourself to healthy image life, get healthier?
4. If you want a specific answer, your question must also be specific.
Without common words about “achieving universal happiness” and “absolute harmony.”
5. Honesty with yourself is important.
When asking a question, be prepared for the answer. Alas, sometimes we deceive ourselves. Remember how in the movie “Tootsie” the hero’s girlfriend asks him: “Tell me honestly, do you care about me anymore?” - and hears the answer “yes”. Tootsie is discouraged, she is not ready for this. "Oh no not this!" - exclaims the heroine.
If you yourself cannot find the answer to your question, you may not want to find out this information.
Harmful questions
1. Attempts to find out the future are incorrect.
Our unconscious is capable of making predictions, but it influences reality too much. a large number of factors that cannot be calculated. And false forecasts can cause harm: lead to disappointment and maladjustment.
2. Questions containing self-accusation destroy us.
For example, the question “Why do I need this?” It’s better to reformulate it into the questions “What is it teaching me?”, “What is the reason for this?” Self-blame is destructive, and the search for the reasons and limits of one’s responsibility encourages change.
3. Forced questions.
There is something that is truly relevant for us at this stage, but there is something that is important for our loved ones, but they are trying to impose it on us, even with the best intentions. “Why don’t you get married?”, “Why don’t you have children?”, “Aren’t you striving for a promotion at work?”, “Aren’t you moving to a more prestigious area?” etc. You only need to ask yourself the question that is relevant specifically for you, and not for others. Otherwise, there can be no answer, as in the film “The Diamond Arm”: “Explain to your friend quickly why Volodka shaved his mustache.”
Such different answers
Don’t expect the answer to be clear and understandable, resembling instructions for action. The unconscious can clothe content in different shapes: words, visual images, metaphors, memories, fantasies. The answer may be clear immediately, or it may take some time to decipher. But not right asked question the answer always comes.
There are also special psychological exercises, which help you learn to ask yourself questions correctly. We have collected for you best exercises and techniques offered by various psychotherapeutic directions. Try and choose yours.
Exercise from body-oriented psychotherapy
Sit with your feet shoulder-width apart and your back straight (you can lean on the back of a chair). Focus on the question you want to ask yourself and repeat it several times. Now concentrate on the area in the lower abdomen: there is a symbolic center responsible for the so-called centering - establishing contact with yourself. Turn off extraneous thoughts, focus on your question, concentrate on the center in the lower abdomen - imagine that you are breathing through it. Do the exercise for 10-15 minutes, this will help you discard the unnecessary and focus on the main thing.
Exercise from psychosynthesis by Roberto Assagioli
Imagine that inside you there is a certain wise mentor, a sage who knows the answers to all questions. Visualize this image. Go to a symbolic meeting with him, enter into dialogue. In this dialogue you can ask all your questions, and the “mentor” will give answers. It is important to take this exciting game take it seriously and trust yourself.
An exercise popular in many psychotherapeutic schools
Prepare a sheet of paper and a pen. Close your eyes and repeat your question several times. Now open your eyes and write down on paper everything that comes to mind for 10 minutes. If there are pauses, continue after them anyway. Take a break and re-read your notes. Try to find a key theme, highlight repeated words or those that most attract your attention. Underline them and re-read only the underlined words. Consider the clue given by your unconscious mind.
Art therapy exercise
Prepare a sheet of paper and paints or pastels. Focus on your question, then start drawing what you want and how you want. Draw until you want to stop. Study the resulting drawing - this is a metaphorical answer to your question. Look at the picture with different sides and distances. What images do you see there? What associations arise? Focus on them and try to interpret this answer.
Our questions to our interlocutor are not only a way to find out more about him, but also an opportunity to show our attitude towards him. “The ability to pose reasonable questions,” said Immanuel Kant, “is an important and necessary sign of intelligence and insight.”
According to statistics, a three-year-old child asks about a thousand questions per month, most of which begins with the word “why”. By comparison, a 60-year-old person is limited to an average of 500 questions per year. However, we should not rush to conclusions: they say, the more years we get, the less interested we are in our surroundings. a pressing world. The main thing is not quantity, but quality.
Thinking about how to make communication between two people complete, linguists developed criteria for a “smart question.” It should be:
♦Concrete, not abstract - unlike, say, the one with which poetess Zinaida Gippius “killed” an interlocutor she didn’t like. She asked him: “What is your metaphysics?” And the person, as a rule, did not find the answer.
♦Clear, not ambiguous, when a person is lost, not knowing how to answer.
♦As concise as possible. On this score there is good example from ancient times. One day, neighbors turned to the residents of Sparta for help. But instead of asking if the Spartans would share their bread, they said long speech. And we received the answer: “Having listened to you to the end, we forgot the beginning. And having forgotten the beginning, they did not understand the end.” The next day, the petitioners said only four words to the Spartans: “Please help us with wheat!”, after which they were given help.
♦Logical, that is, following from the analysis of what was said earlier.
♦Positive, that is, creative and, if possible, pleasant for the interlocutor.
♦Interesting for both parties.
Questions allow you to penetrate into the thoughts and intentions of another person, to understand him true motives, value system, open it up inner world. Avoiding questions leads to fragile, superficial relationships between people. Agree, if a person doesn’t ask us anything, it means he’s not interested in us. And if so, then Why should we show interest ourselves? Here lies the main reason for one of the most common problems - loneliness. Do you feel like you are alone and no one understands you? Be interested in other people!
Neglecting questions also means opening the way to guesses and all kinds of assumptions, creating an idea of others based on your own conjectures, attributing to them certain advantages or disadvantages. Without finding out a person’s real intentions, we build a scheme of actions for him, guided by our understanding of his motives, which may be very far from reality. Then we adjust our behavior to this scheme, invented from beginning to end. And what is the result? Misunderstandings, quarrels, resentments...
There is another side to the problem. We need internal dialogue with ourselves. Any thinking begins with a question. By asking yourself questions, a person can learn to control his behavior, understand his true goals, feelings masked by the subconscious. And what more people internally talks to himself, the more confident and consistent his external speech and behavior. Albert Einstein told his students: “Questioning yourself is driving force creativity!
And most internal conflicts, torment, doubts, which are based on the problem of choice, are resolved by dialogue with oneself using sincere and honest questions.
You can ask them to yourself, but to others... We are often afraid to talk to others. To make communication mutually interesting and productive, you need to know a few more secrets.
One of them is the so-called “open questions”. They are structured so that the answerer gives detailed information-expressed his thoughts, stated the facts, his position.
If a question is designed to answer only “yes” and “no”, it is called “closed”. It has been noticed that police officers, for example, mostly ask “closed” questions, while investigators ask “open” questions.
In “closed” questions there is usually a certain element of coercion; there is no sense of interest in the interlocutor. They do not allow the dialogue to develop, causing hidden irritation in the interlocutor and refusal of the conversation.
For example, here is a “closed” question: “Are you sure you have done everything necessary?” An open question on this topic: “What measures have you taken?” Or: “What did you do about this?”
Another example. "Do you like your job?" - “closed” question. “What do you like most about your job?” - "open question.
By asking “open” questions that require detailed answers, we build trusting relationships. By doing this, we show people that we are willing to spend our time to find out more about them, that we care about them, we respect them, and we want to know their opinion.
But before you ask an “open” question out loud, ask it to yourself and think: would you be interested in answering it yourself? Does he make you want to communicate? If not, try to formulate it in different words or find another, more interest Ask. Don't be afraid to seem slow-witted. “A small fish is better than a big cockroach,” the Chinese say. It’s better to say a few words that your interlocutor will appreciate and remember than to rant for a long time to no avail.
One day the rich and powerful padishah saw horrible dream and summoned two sages and predictors to him. The first, after listening to the padishah’s story, declared: “Lord, I must tell you unpleasant news: soon you will lose all your comrades.” The ruler was angry and ordered the interpreter to be put in prison. The second sage said to the padishah: “I am glad to tell you the good news: you will outlive all your friends and enemies.” The delighted padishah generously rewarded the sage for his prediction. The courtiers were surprised: “You said the same thing as your predecessor. Why was he punished and you received a reward? To which came the answer: “We interpreted the dream in the same way. But everything depends not on what to say, but how to say it.”
Blaise Pascal was absolutely right when he argued: “Otherwise the words arranged take on a different meaning, otherwise the thoughts expressed make a completely different impression.”
There are a few rules to keep in mind to make the question as effective as possible.
First of all, you need to ask yourself: “What do I want to achieve with this conversation?” Diplomats say this: “Whoever knows the purpose of the conversation controls it.” When people don't think about it, they talk too much, go off topic, get into unnecessary arguments and discussions, and lose not only their time, but also their authority.
Experienced communication experts say that the interlocutor’s answer depends 60-80% on the question. Thus, with due attention to the formulation and content of our questions, we can practically influence the interlocutor, causing the reaction we need.
With a certain degree of confidence, we can say that if you receive an answer that does not suit you, then most likely you asked the wrong question.
Even the order of words in a sentence is very important. People usually more attention pay attention to the first words, and with what more words follows further, the less attention to them - a person is simply concerned with understanding general meaning. Hence the hint: at the beginning of the question you should put words that carry the main meaning.
Try to formulate questions positively. Let's take a simple everyday situation: a young man wants to please a girl and decides to treat her to ice cream. What can he tell her? Variations are possible.
First option: “Would you like some ice cream?” Most likely, the answer awaits him: “Thank you, I don’t want to.” Because he started the question with a negative particle.
Another version of the question: “Would you like some ice cream?” The answer will be the same. Because the wording “you don’t want to” discourages any desire to eat ice cream.
Another option: “Do you want some ice cream?” Here the chances of a positive answer are much greater. But if the girl is shy or the guy is not familiar to her yet and has not yet liked her, then a negative answer may follow.
The most correct question would be: “Which ice cream do you like better - ice cream or popsicle?” The young man does not ask if the girl wants ice cream at all, but immediately offers a pleasant choice. Everyone wins - and the guy who gets the opportunity to impress his chosen one favorable impression, and a girl who felt that they were interested in her opinion.
The choice question will also be useful in communicating with children. “Are you going to bed now or when will you put the toys away?” - the mother asks her son. “When I put the toys away...” - the baby is forced to answer.
Another option similar question: “Where would you like to discuss this problem - on my territory or on your territory?”
A very effective technique that was once loved apply Socrates. Its essence was to force a person to answer “yes” to several questions in a row. If during communication your interlocutor says “yes” to you many times and agrees with you, then by inertia he will be inclined to accept your opinion or statement in the future, even if he was initially your opponent.
The Swiss writer Johann Lavater, who lived in the second half of the 18th century, wrote: “If you want to be wise, learn to ask wisely, listen carefully, answer calmly and remain silent when there is nothing more to say.”
Alexander Kazakevich. Magazine "Be Healthy!", 12 -2012