Are you jealous of others? Well, at least sometimes?

Of course, you are jealous - this is an inevitable consequence of our human structure. Some people envy more, more often, more strongly, others are not so zealous in this discipline, but, one way or another, envy is familiar to us all.

Let me tell you the details about envy.

Mechanisms of envy

For better or worse, each of us has something like an injustice counter in our heads (somewhere in the amygdala). We carefully (and completely involuntarily, in the background) calculate two parameters - the amount of effort and the results of it. For yourself and for others.

And if we have the same amount of effort, but the results are different (and we have less), we begin to experience a feeling of injustice. The greater the gap between our results and the results of others, the greater the feeling of injustice.

It must be said that such a “counter” is not only in our heads - even capuchins, funny monkeys from South America, have this counter. Apparently, the “counter” was built in a long time ago.

It all works like this. For example, there is someone more beautiful than us. Beauty is a more or less innate thing, therefore, a person did nothing to obtain it (“the counter” clicked - the effort was zero). But since a person is attractive, he receives more attention from the opposite sex (and, by the way, many other goodies, for example, more money). Our “counter” clicks - the results are much greater than ours.

This injustice in the case of social comparisons (when we compare ourselves with others) is what we call envy. And the more we wanted to get what others got, the less chance we have of getting it with the same efforts as others, the greater our envy.

How to get rid of envy?

Since envy is the result of the work of our internal counter, we need to turn to it. It is perhaps impossible to do this completely directly, but you can take a roundabout route.

Firstly, you should not blindly trust the estimates of this counter. For all its sophistication and antiquity, this “counter” is still simple and does not calculate really complex situations in human life well.

Take, for example, the example of beauty. Yes, indeed, a person received a lot without investing anything. But is he really happy? The “counter” does not take this into account; for it, the fact “this is a person more beautiful than me” is enough. And the person himself may feel unhappy (for example, many beautiful women suffer from loneliness). Further. Is the person really more beautiful? This is not necessarily the case - standards of beauty largely depend on culture and, interestingly, on subculture too. Maybe for someone you are beautiful? In general, trust the “counter” less.

Secondly, it is worth questioning the very operation of the meter. Should the situation really be considered unfair? After all, the same beauty “is given out” by chance, and here it is simply inappropriate to count a person’s efforts to obtain it. He would like to, but still could not influence his appearance in any way - facial features, eye and hair color are innate parameters, they can only be changed by serious external intervention. This means that it is simply inappropriate to consider this situation in the “justice/injustice” coordinate system.

To put it briefly and simply, you need to use your head more and surrender less to the power of your feelings.

What to do with the envy of others?

By the way, dealing with the envy of others is much simpler and easier. It’s enough to show your flaws from time to time.

We humans are very imperfect. And due to this imperfection, we really don’t like those who seem ideal to us (if we are not in love with this person, of course).

But we are much more lenient towards those who are almost perfect.

This has been proven in many psychological experiments (see, for example, the experiment of Aronson, Willerman and Floyd). Everywhere, a person who was close to the standard, but made a mistake, turned out to be more pleasant for people than a completely sinless character.

Moreover, this effect of leniency due to a mistake manifested itself most clearly where people felt that they were competing with these ideal characters.

In general, if you are envied, and even more so, those who compete with you are jealous, make some mistake. In the experiment of Aronson and his colleagues, for example, the mistake was a cup of coffee turned over onto a new suit. I’m not sure that it’s worth using this particular option, but I’m sure that you can always come up with something suitable for yourself.

Total. We call envy a type of feeling of injustice that arises in social comparisons. You can fight this feeling by turning on your head and comprehending what is happening (which, of course, is difficult and requires a fair amount of discipline and preparation). It’s easier to deal with envy towards us - you just need to make some noticeable, but safe for us, mistake from time to time.

By the way, envy “in a kind way”, also known as “white envy”, is admiration. “I envy her in a kind way” simply means “I admire her.”

That's all I have, thanks for your attention.

By the way, if you want to better understand the causes of envy and other unpleasant conditions,...

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Envy: where it comes from and how to cope: 35 comments

1. An

   Thanks for the note :)

2. Catherine

   Pavel, thank you
   I think that you don’t need to do anything at all with other people’s envy - let them envy, it’s worse for them.
   But with yours... What if you are jealous of the relationship? (and they seem good to you only in your head, you don’t know for sure). It might help if you admit that there are problems there too, it’s just that people don’t wash their dirty linen in public?

   1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post author

      But with yours... What if you are jealous of the relationship?
      _In the second section of the note it is written what to do with such envy :)

      It might help if you admit that there are problems there too, it’s just that people don’t wash their dirty linen in public?
      _Of course.

      1. Catherine
      2. Natalia

         good day!
         but it happens that the relationship is really wonderful, and there is not much “dirty litter” (like my husband and I). then it will help to assume that they (the other couple) invest a lot in this relationship (like my husband and I), consciously trying to keep it at this level, and this is work. and then why envy? The amount of effort is different, the result is different, the correlation is obvious, fair enough! This is if you follow the logic of Pavel’s article.
         Pavel, thank you!
         However, situations such as I wrote above very often occur: one person works a lot, good results. The other is not enough, and the result is corresponding. But the other is still jealous of the first, because he compares only the result, and not the costs of achieving it.
         Well, okay, you and I are thinking people, let’s begin to seize this moment, realize it, and correct ourselves. But to work, to try to achieve something, and then to deliberately demonstrate one’s imperfections in order to avoid such close-minded illogical envy of people who are slackers (in any field), does not seem entirely right to me. It’s as if I feel guilty for the result of my own work. What do you think?

3. Hope

   And the picture for the note amuses me!))
   And the article, as always. excellent

4. Anna

   What to do if envy does not take into account the amount of effort? For example, I envy others that they can travel a lot, but I do not count the amount of effort they and I put in, but simply feel frustrated that I do not have such an opportunity.

5. shelkoviza
6. Faith

   “I must say that such a “counter” is not only in our heads - even capuchins, funny monkeys from South America. Apparently, the “counter” was built in a long time ago.”
   There's something wrong with the capuchin sentence. What didn’t you tell us, Pavel?

7. Albina

   Pavel, thank you very much as always! About beautiful people, I can also add that this often complicates life; I even read somewhere that female recruiters often discriminate against other women on this basis. Well, it’s harder in business: with men, you need to make more efforts to be perceived as an equal partner, with women, you need to overcome more hostility on their part.

8. Elena

   Pavel, in this vein, help me deal with my envy of my own husband. I’ll say right away that I love him very much, and I value our relationship. But lately (and we’ve been married for quite a long time) I’ve started to really track this envy in myself when my husband has really interesting trips at work, dinners in expensive restaurants and the like. (I’ll add that I’m now on maternity leave, for the 5th year already))), and naturally I can’t have anything like that, and the financial component does not allow me to experience feelings similar to my husband))). So here it is. I understand with my mind that these benefits of his are connected with work, and this is good for him - communicating with new people, visiting new places, tasting overseas dishes, which is joyful for me too (I’m happy for him somewhere in my soul!), but It’s also alarming, and some kind of worm is gnawing at me in terms of the fact that he has all this, but I don’t. Maybe even this envy is closely intertwined with jealousy, even definitely! But this doesn’t make it any easier... how to cope? How to get rid of it? P.s. at the dawn of our relationship, when we were students, I was tormented by pangs of envy when, without preparing for exams, he passed them wonderfully, and for me, to at least get “good,” I had to sit over my textbooks for at least three days without raising my head. And this was unfair from my point of view, although I, of course, found logical explanations for this phenomenon, but I was tormented by envy, and I wanted to reproach him. So it is now. He tells me where he’s been, what he’s eaten (in detailed colors), and I’m outwardly delighted, but internally I want it too, it’s making my teeth hurt... what is this, doctor? How to fight yourself?

   1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post author

      what is this, doctor? How to fight yourself?
      _Elena, this is envy. How to deal with it is in the note.

      If the notes are missing, then perhaps only individual consultations will help.

      Yes, did you answer?

      1. Elena

         Thank you, but I would like to go into more detail, based on the fact that envy here occurs towards a close subject, for whom I rejoice in my mind, but my heart aches. Maybe, to be more specific, doctor, we can do without an individual consultation?

   2. Catherine

      Elena, don't fight yourself.
      Go to work and get all the same benefits as your husband.
      I also wrote about envy here, then I sorted myself out a little and realized that I need to allow myself what I cannot afford because of my inner beliefs.
      Allowed - envy receded. I wish the same for you.

   3. Faith

      Elena, I’m in exactly the same situation, 5th year, my husband’s business trip. Just all the nerve-wracking sensations when he sits on the sofa (chair, bed, floor) and stares at the smartphone, but I don’t. With business trips, of course, there is also something to experience. He left and in the evenings, he walks around somewhere and has fun (and it’s usually warmer and sunny there), and I’m here again alone for everyone. What kind of justice is there?
      What saves me a lot is that I (as it seems to me) allow him to do this myself, i.e. practically - hold it, use it. And this, as you definitely noticed, is good for a person, i.e. It turns out I'm doing him good. Clever self-deception =)) What also saves me is that when my husband leaves, I focus on what I can do for myself here. Well, for example, I’ll sit at the computer when everyone is asleep, or, conversely, instead of going to bed in the evening on time, arrange dancing, dancing and watching cartoons. There is another option, in it, unlike “I decided this and I’m doing it myself” and “I’ll make myself feel good here now!”, there is purely his side of action. Let him bring you something good (interesting, pleasant) from his business trips. For example, I would be very happy if, after a business trip, justice were restored by the fact that he was the only one here, and I went to a friend.
      These are not my only “business trip detours,” but all the others contain a nasty element and therefore it would be unethical to advise them. Another thing is important, much of this was invented and created by yourself, which means you, too, can find a way to cope with the unwanted flow of thoughts in your head. Well, for the rest, Pavel’s website is helpful, and this is a great article about a woman on maternity leave, if you (suddenly) haven’t read it yet Anna

      Good evening Pavel. I don’t see such a feeling as envy in myself at all. But in principle I understand the way of thinking of people who have it. I will say this as one of the methods of combating envy. We need to think deeper. Engage in the development of not only the material spheres of life, but also spiritual development. Understand that the world is not only what we see. The world is very multifaceted. There are laws of energy. Understanding this, it will be much easier for us to understand what and why is happening to us. And then the “lever of justice” in the head will no longer simply click “fair” or “not.” For example, success at work is influenced by many different factors. And not just the effort expended and the result. Be at the right time and in the right place. Attitude towards people in general. Competent prioritization and daily routine. Well, the inner attitude is of great importance. Thoughts are definitely material. By tuning your soul to a positive result and believing in yourself and in success. It will be easier for a person and most likely this will be realized in the real world. But all these other factors are hidden from the eyes of the envier. And he sees only external attributes. And in his head, of course, this picture as a whole does not add up. He only sees the overall effort expended, which is most likely expressed in terms of time spent. And perhaps the depth of elaboration of the issue. And he also observes the result itself. That's all. Everything else is hidden from him. If you look and think deeper, it will be easier to fight envy. As you said, ask yourself probing questions. The same applies to beauty. Is the person happy with her, etc. Such thoughts allow you to balance the counter (although I have not observed it in myself. Perhaps it is completely hidden from my sight somewhere deep). It’s easier for believers in this regard. Knowing that nothing happens for nothing and all events in the world are not random. And our thoughts, words, etc. have consequences. They say about beautiful people “God kissed them.” This means that somehow the person deserves such an appearance. Possibly a past life. And some were not so good in previous births. And he was born not so beautiful or even sick. Everything in this world has its own reason.

   4. Anna

      Interesting article. But I'm not mistaken Pavel :). We just have different opinions, as I understand it, on this matter. But not everything in the world can be explained from a psychological point of view. Not everything is controlled only by the mind and brains. Psychology does not consider all factors together: the influence of the brain, instincts and soul on human behavior and the events that happen to him. Nothing just happens in the world. There is a root cause behind everything. Often, with our thoughts and intentions, we attract certain events into our lives. Is not it so? This is true.

One way or another, everyone is jealous. And if someone confidently asserts that they have never experienced anything like this in their life, do not believe it. A person is either being disingenuous, trying to present himself in the best possible way, or envy is not such a frequent guest in his life and your interlocutor simply does not focus his attention on it.

Perhaps our parents teach us to envy from early childhood, constantly comparing us with other children and drawing their child’s attention to the fact that he is less well-mannered, obedient, talented, and smart. And the child is already beginning to understand that he is not what he would like. In some ways he is WORSE than others. The causes of envy at a more meaningful age are usually associated with reduced self-esteem and dissatisfaction with oneself, or too high a level of aspirations and the inability, for various reasons, to realize planned or desired goals. Envy always comes from comparing yourself to others and realizing that you are not up to the required level. You
not beautiful enough, wealthy enough, don't sing or dance that well, aren't as lucky or don't have as influential friends. “Better-worse”, “more-less” are constant companions of this phenomenon. Envy assumes that for the envious person everything is not as he would like or not as he deserves, not to the extent that he deserves it. All this is accompanied by a lot of negative experiences: frustration, resentment, anger and a feeling of indignation.

Along the way, hostility and hidden or quite obvious aggression arises towards that same, more successful person, or auto-aggression and a feeling of guilt caused by the understanding that you are experiencing feelings that should not exist at all. Sure, envy makes you feel unhappy. It devalues ​​personal achievements and successes, noticeably spoils the mood and even worsens physical well-being. For example, it has been scientifically proven that experienced envy can increase blood pressure or disrupt the functioning of the human digestive system.

So, we figured out where envy comes from! And we discovered that envy is far from the best feeling experienced by each of us throughout our entire life journey.

But is it possible to learn to take control of your envy and quite consciously not allow it to poison your mood and thoughts? Certainly. But first you have to honestly admit to yourself that you are jealous. Sometimes it's not that simple. And then, every time a familiar unpleasant feeling begins to remind itself again, focus on the fact that there are always two sides to a coin. Don’t forget: you only see the fruits of someone else’s labor, but not the whole road to your cherished success. Perhaps, if you knew how much effort was spent on obtaining such a desired result, then, in the place of a “lucky” friend, acquaintance or colleague, you would have stopped long ago
halfway.

Stop constantly comparing yourself to others, and if your soul requires further comparisons, then do not forget to find advantages in your lifestyle, achievements, appearance, figure. Let me give you a simple example. A friend has been married for a long time and is already raising a small child, and you still haven’t found that perfect man? Believe me, she can sometimes envy you too. After all, you can freely go shopping and beauty salons, realize yourself professionally and on the weekends sleep until lunch. She has a continuous Groundhog Day, where there is an endless series of unwashed pots, cleaning, laundry and walks to the playground and the nearest store. In the life of each of us we can find our own advantages and disadvantages. Perfect is never good. So is it worth envying?

Every parent wants only the best for their child, but they don't always know how to give it to him. For example, to motivate their child, some mothers and fathers compare him with other children. Families often hear such phrases as: “But your sister at your age received only A’s!”, “Why did Pasha prepare better for the test today than you?”, “Look how beautiful Nadya is today, and you didn’t want to wear dress!”, etc.

Of course, this is said without any malicious intent, but children cannot always understand the essence of the phrase correctly and realize that their parents do not want to offend them with such words, but are simply trying to motivate them to self-development. Moreover, the unformed personality of a child or teenager may simply come to the conclusion that he is worse than other children, and, accordingly, does not deserve love. Parental love. But for a child, the love and acceptance of parents is a real life support for an unformed personality, without which he simply cannot exist normally. And such comparisons, unfortunately, take this support from under the child’s feet, making envy one of the defining character traits.

Blind envy

For an envious person, the true state of affairs of the one whom he envies ceases to matter. There will always be a reason for an unpleasant feeling - after all, none of us is perfect. Blind envy destroys personality, distracts from solving one’s own problems, and focuses attention on someone else’s life.

Feelings of envy: causes

There are several reasons why a person develops a constant feeling of envy, and they all come from childhood:

What will happen if parents make such mistakes when raising their children? Naturally, their child will have a constant feeling of envy, but this is only one of the problems:

How to deal with envy

Naturally, it is best to avoid this problem. In order to do this, parents should adhere to the following tips:

• if there is a comparison, then only with oneself. Healthy comparison will indeed act as motivation for development, but you can only compare a child with himself. For example, if your child did his homework well, you can say that today he did this work much better than yesterday. If he made some mistake, for example, he wrote a test poorly, then we can say that there is no point in worrying, this happens to everyone, he is not bad because of this, since, for example, last week he wrote a dictation perfectly . In this way, you will show your child that you will love him not only for his achievements, but also when he makes some mistakes. You will see, he will begin to feel much more confident;
• not to evaluate, but to pay attention. You don't always need to judge your child's actions; sometimes just noticing them is enough. For example, you can say: “I see you washed the dishes we left after dinner,” “It would be great if you took the time to clean your room.” Thus, you do not order the child, but leave him the right to choose. This will make him more independent and responsible.

If, however, you understand that you cannot live a day without feeling envious of someone, and you are also in constant fear of doing something wrong, then it is best for you to seek help from a specialist. A psychotherapist or psychologist will help not only correctly understand the problem and its causes, but also solve it as quickly and effectively as possible.

What is envy? What are the causes of envy and where does it come from? How can it be dangerous? In this article you will find, although not exhaustive, quite detailed answers to all these questions.

Envy is a feeling of irritation and annoyance, hostility and hostility caused by the well-being, success and superiority of another person. The envious person sees the object of his envy as a winner and himself as a loser, and at this moment no reasonable arguments have any effect on him; he is overcome by negative emotions.

Envy is a bad feeling, she is able to turn someone else's success into a feeling of her own inferiority, someone else's joy into her own dissatisfaction and annoyance. Envy makes a person experience a whole bunch of negative emotions - resentment, ill will, anger, aggression. True, there is also “white” envy, when a feeling of joy for other people’s successes still prevails, although some believe that this is not envy at all, but sincere admiration.

The Bible also does not divide envy into “white” and “black”, classifying it as a mortal sin. " Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is thy neighbor's.." Bible, Old Testament, Exodus 20:17. If we turn to other scriptures, such as the Ten Commandments of Moses and the letter of the Apostle Paul to the Galatians, we can understand that envy consists of a person’s desire to possess what does not belong to him. These can be both material benefits and intangible values ​​(beauty, strength, power, success, virtue, etc.). According to church ministers, in accordance with his plans, God gives each person what he needs. The desire to have what you are deprived of, what another person has, contradicts the plans and plans of the Almighty.

But on the other hand, perhaps it’s still not worth looking at this manifestation of human feelings so categorically and one-sidedly, because the development of humanity owes much to envy. Envy of people love for birds prompted the creation of aircraft, and perhaps it was envy of the underwater inhabitants of the deep sea that served as the impetus for the development of scuba gear. In science, art, and sports, human envy has always been a stimulus for progress, and it is possible that without it we would have remained a tribe of hairy primates.

Where does the feeling of envy come from?

There are several versions of the emergence of envy. According to one of them, envy is an innate feeling, embedded in us at the genetic level (like laziness), inherited from our ancestors in the process of evolution. Adherents of this theory believe that the envy of people in primitive society pushed them to self-improvement. For example, a less successful hunter, experiencing feeling of envy to another getter, a successful one, he tried to make himself a more advanced weapon (bow, arrows, spear), come up with a more cunning plan to lure the mammoth into a trap, and in the end he succeeded and came back from the hunt as a winner. Well, or for example, an ancient woman (not in the sense of old), envious of her rival and her success with men, tried to be more affectionate and courteous with the opposite sex, began to decorate herself, comb her hair, and eventually got the one she liked. Women's envy here became the impetus for action.

The transmission of the “envy gene” to one’s descendants is, in general, a logical and interesting theory, but in my opinion it describes only constructive, “white envy” and forgets about “black envy”, which, like a worm living inside a person, devours him from the inside, makes him desire “ the lucky one" of misfortunes and disasters, and in no way contributes to self-improvement and a good spirit of competition. Due to the fact that this hypothesis of the emergence of feelings of envy in a person does not stand up to criticism, the more widespread theory is that the manifestation of envy in a person arises in the process of social life.

According to this point of view, envy is a consequence of incorrect approaches to raising a child. When parents begin, for instructive purposes, to compare their child with other children who are more “successful” (obedient, well-mannered, smart, brave, etc.), so that their child hears everything, they sow in him the seed of envy, from which subsequently the corresponding fruits grow.

If you do not delve into all the scientific and near-scientific assumptions about the reasons for having a baby, then you can easily say that they are quite simple and lie on the surface. The reason for envy is dissatisfaction and need for something. Someone does not have enough money, and he envies the richer with black envy, someone is not satisfied with his own appearance and is ready to curse the more beautiful in his understanding (slender, tall, etc.), the one who needs popularity and He sees it with his colleague and is ready, out of envy and annoyance, to do him any kind of dirty trick. It's simple: if a person feels a need for something, looking at someone who is more successful, he begins to feel envy. After all, a person with excellent health will not envy the physical condition of a patient, or a person who values ​​freedom will not envy the situation of a prisoner.

Envy is always a comparison - of others with oneself, of oneself with others. To envy means to constantly live in a complex system of identification and comparison. “Better - worse” is the main criterion for comparison. An envious person, comparing himself with someone, comes to the conclusion that he is worse than the other. In fact, these two concepts do not exist on their own, they live in our heads.

The reason for envy is also that we see ourselves around the clock, but those we envy only for a moment. So they collide in contradiction: bright flashes of someone else’s life and the line of our own life, completely visible to us; centimeters of other people's events, prepared for viewing, and many kilometers of tapes of our own destiny. And give us the opportunity to try on their skin, who knows what we will have to lose in our life, what significant advantages it will have...

Why you can’t envy or why envy is dangerous

Envy is A negative emotion, like all other negative experiences, is harmful to human health. Envy, by activating the nervous system, increases blood pressure, increases heart rate, promotes muscle tension, and disrupts the functioning of the digestive system. Envy is a bad feeling, so before you envy anyone, ask yourself: “ Do I want to harm my health??».

Envy corrodes not only the body, but also the soul; if you have felt a feeling of envy, then you probably remember how unhappy you were. With his thoughts and deeds, an envious person can nullify all his good deeds performed during his life.

Envy transmits a negative program into a person’s subconscious: “ Why is everything so bad in my life, why do others have it, but I don’t??!” The subconscious mind accepts this command (the power of thought begins to act): “I have little, I don’t have, I have nothing” and immediately executes it - “No, and there won’t be!” So, as long as a person is envious of other people’s material and intangible wealth, he has no chance of getting what he wants.

How energetic vampire envy forces people to waste their strength and energy on constantly monitoring other people's successes and good fortune.

Envy is also dangerous because sometimes it is not limited to simply negative emotions and evil wishes, but forces one to take active action when the envious person begins to gossip and slander, plot intrigues, and sometimes even use physical force. How this can end can be understood by remembering the story of Mozart and Salieri.

It's unfortunate, but usually people are not even interested in the question of how to get rid of envy and stop being envious, and yet, by doing so, they keep within themselves a constant source of negative emotions, which does not allow them to feel truly happy.

Properties and characteristics of feelings of envy

is more acute and more clearly expressed in cases where the social distance between the object of envy and the envious person is insignificant. If there is a large difference in age or status between people, then feelings of envy rarely arise. It is more likely that a person will envy his acquaintance (friend, buddy, work colleague, neighbor, etc.) who bought a new car, rather than Oleg Deripaska who bought another villa on the Cote d'Azur.

Envy is inherent in different people, regardless of their nationality, character, temperament and gender. BUT! As it became clear after a number of sociological studies, envy tends to weaken with age. Starting from the age of 60, its level decreases noticeably, and on the contrary, those who fall into the category from 18 to 25 experience it more acutely. Everything is logical, give the young people everything at once, and they don’t think about how much work and what sacrifices fortunes are earned; it is much easier for them to believe that wealth fell on a person from the sky, hence the feeling of envy. And old people, on the one hand, are more experienced, wiser and understand a lot, but on the other hand, due to their age, they don’t need much.

From Latin, envy (livor) is translated as “blue.” It’s not for nothing that people say “blue with envy.” In China, an envious person is identified by his eyes, and envy is called “red eye disease.”

By the way, the words “hatred” and “envy” differ only in prefixes. You can paraphrase a well-known saying, and it will turn out - “From envy to hatred there is one step.”

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