Author: Anton Yasyr. From childhood, our parents taught us to be polite to other people. In particular, they taught us not to be rude to elders, and to treat younger ones with respect. However, unfortunately, this is not true for all people. There are people who choose rudeness as the main way to prove to a person that they are right. Is it worth blaming them, they are brought up this way, they don’t know any other way...
Nowadays, a person faces rudeness almost every minute of his life. Imagine the situation - early in the morning you, as before, got ready for work in high spirits, got into a minibus, and quite accidentally stepped on the foot of the person standing in front of you. How would a cultured, educated person behave in this situation? Of course, he will turn to you to see who dared to disturb his train of thought in such a brazen manner. And then you, looking the person straight in the eyes, guiltily say: “Please forgive me, I didn’t do it on purpose,” to which the person will calmly answer you: “Nothing, everything is fine.”
The situation is completely different with an uncultured and poorly educated person, for whom rudeness is an everyday thing. You won’t even have time to open your mouth to apologize for stepping on his foot before you hear addressed to you: “What are you doing! We were completely stunned, trampling like elephants in china shop! And where are you from?” And then you, as a well-mannered person, understand that on the one hand you are to blame, but on the other hand, your act is not so terrible as to provoke such an aggressive reaction from your interlocutor.
So, you have probably repeatedly encountered situations in which you were undeservedly rude. In this article we'll talk about how a person should behave in cases of rudeness from other people.
Who are these boors and what motivates them to be boorish? Boors are people who see in any communication with other people the goal of offending the interlocutor, humiliating him or intimidating him in any way possible. Sometimes, in order to offend a person, to show him his insignificance, boors use grins that speak more eloquently than any words.
Example: One friend told a friend that she met a guy in a cafe yesterday, to which she grinned sarcastically and asked: “Have you met someone?!” - and added - “yes, he’s probably a Casanova.” What is translated into human language means: you are so ugly that hardly anyone will pay attention to you.
Most often, in order to offend, boors show aggression towards a person, descending to banal hysteria. In this situation, boors do not consider it necessary to say veiled phrases, saying everything they think about a person directly to his face. The formula for this rudeness is simple – the word “You” + all unpleasant words, nouns that can maximally hurt a person’s self-esteem.
And another type of rudeness is...silence. Yes, yes, precisely silence, or rather complete ignorance of the presence of the interlocutor. So, if a person asks a boor a question in order to find out the latter’s point of view, and he remains silent in response, this shows the boor’s absolute indifference to his interlocutor, which sometimes hurts more acutely than any word.
What are the main reasons for rudeness?
1. A boor's desire to be noticed by people around him, lack of communication, love and attention. Of course, this is the main reason. Boors most often become people to whom their parents did not say words of praise in childhood, to whom they did not pay enough attention, and whose words were not taken seriously. Every child needs the attention and love of their parents like air - this is a fact, and therefore a child, without receiving the attention of his parents, naturally, resorts to terrible behavior and rudeness. And then the child’s parents may commit main mistake in the life of the child himself - they give him what he wants, pay attention to him and begin to indulge him. The child notices for himself - this method gives results and continues to use them throughout adult life. This is how boors are born. That is why ignoring such ways of achieving a goal on the part of a child is the most that his parents can do for a child.
2. The boor's desire to assert himself through boorish behavior. When the interlocutor cannot adequately respond to rudeness, the boor notices this and begins to humiliate the person, rising in his own eyes. Most often, a person cannot answer a boor because he is afraid of him, or depends on the boor. There is no need to note that in such conditions the fact of rudeness does not deserve not only respect, but even understanding and acceptance. Boors simply use their position to assert themselves. If a person did not depend in any way on a boor, the latter would hardly resort to rudeness in conversation. Most often, such boors are found among people who have even minimal power. Bosses often lash out at their subordinates, and those, driven by fear of reprimands and dismissal, obediently remain silent and listen.
3. A state of disappointment, fatigue and despair. Being in one of these states, each of us is capable of being rude to our interlocutor for no apparent reason, even without being a boor. As a rule, after what happened, the person apologizes, and the interlocutor (unless, of course, he is a boor) accepts his apology. However, if cultured person is rude to a less cultured person (i.e., a boor), then no apology will go through, because the boor will already be on edge, having done everything to start a conflict.
It should also be noted that rudeness can result from a person’s inability to clearly argue their point of view. When two people argue and one of them gives specific reasons for the correctness of own point point of view, the other, being absolutely confident that he is right, but not being able to convey his position to his interlocutor, decides to go all the way and resorts to outright rudeness. As a rule, in 99% of cases, the interlocutor who has reached the level of rudeness not only loses in an argument, but also shows his low level culture.
How to react to rudeness? A person’s reaction to rudeness can be very different. There is a clear answer to the question of how not to behave - how insecure people behave when they are rude. Insecure people take all the comments and insults of a boor personally, which further undermines the remaining confidence in themselves. They believe that if they were rude, then there are absolutely prerequisites for this. So, if an insecure woman is called an “elephant,” she will begin to consider herself overly plump, and she will develop an inferiority complex.
To protect your rights and interests, as well as preserve high self-esteem recommended to follow the following tips on the correct response to rudeness:
1. Don't let the boor take absolute control of the situation. If the boor manages to control the situation, you will not find it enough. Remember - regardless of what the status of your interlocutor is, you have the right to demand respect. If your interlocutor is rude to you and doesn’t give you any consideration, read tip 2.
2. Put the boor “in his place.” Very often boors are so carried away by their game that they lose their sense of control and are carried along in a verbal stream of rudeness. In such cases, it is better to respond to rudeness with rudeness in order to moderate the ardor of the boor himself. Remember - even if you are not a boor, you are also human and accumulate emotions, both positive and negative. Therefore, if you remain silent in response to rudeness, when you come home you will throw out all your negativity not on the boor, whom you are seeing for the first time and may never see again, but on people close to you - on your family. Many boors, resorting to a disrespectful method of communication, sincerely believe in their impunity. Your task is to dispel this myth. The more often you respond to a boor in a harsh manner, the less often he will have the desire to be rude.
It should be noted that when you are rude in response to rudeness, you should control the line beyond which you will sink to the level of this boor and become no better than him. Let your rudeness in response be addressed exclusively to the boor, and not be in the nature of a demonstration ( shout, waving arms, etc.).
3. Do not take all the negative phrases of a boor personally. When a boor begins to openly be rude to you, calling you unflattering words, the best thing you can do is to sympathize with him and not take his words to heart. These words are spoken not to you personally, but to everything that happens around this person. A person cannot be satisfied with his life if he is rude to other people. Most likely, pity and understanding are the only things this person deserves. If a person begins to be rude during a normal dialogue, this shows that he is weaker than you, but is it really possible to take words more seriously? weak person than you. Of course not. You are who you think you are, not how other people see you. If a person wants to see only the bad, he will see it. And you will never convince this person that in fact there is a lot of beauty in life. So with regard to the boor’s assessment of you as a person - you prove at least a million times that he is not you - he will stand his ground. Therefore, just ignore all the negative remarks thrown at you by the boor.
4. Suppress rudeness with humor. In other words, simply ridicule any attempts by the boor to humiliate or offend you. The next time you are unceremoniously rude right to your face, respond to the rudeness with a smile, which will seem to say to your interlocutor - “Hami-hami, even if you burst with anger, I don’t care about your indignation.” And let your slightly malicious smile cause a whole storm in the boor negative emotions, let him start calling you names even more intensely, you will not care. Moreover, it may make you laugh uncontrollably later. And then the boor will understand that he has suffered crushing defeat, causing you nothing but ridicule. When you see that the boor has boiled like a heated kettle, finish him off with the question: “Why are you nervous? Does something bother you? Do you really want to offend me? Come on, that’s enough!” and break into a smile again, which will completely suppress your interlocutor. Try to make sure that the last word It was always left to you, when the boor is psychologically broken, you will take the threads of the conversation into your own hands.
5. Have pity on the boor. Boors always respond to rudeness with reciprocal rudeness, thereby fueling the energy of the conflict like energy vampire. When two boors come together in a conversation, the conversation ceases to have the character of a dialogue, turning into two monologues in which each of the interlocutors shouts at the other and accuses him of all sins, while absolutely not hearing what the other is answering. Gets lost main feature dialogue - Feedback. Smart, polite and mentally an adequate person, having heard rudeness addressed to him, will not respond to the offender in the same way, but will simply ignore his words. However, there is an even more wonderful way to suppress every desire of a boor to humiliate you - to feel sorry for him.
The natural expected response to rudeness for every boor is rudeness. However, suddenly you begin to feel sorry for the boor: “You probably don’t feel well?”, “You look tired, don’t you want to rest?” You can also not resort to pity, but simply respond to the boor in polite form: “Sorry, dear, you probably confused me with someone.” Boors, as a rule, are people who in childhood did not receive proper care and education from their parents, are not loved by the opposite sex, and are unsuccessful in life. Don't they deserve compassion? I agree, it’s difficult to show compassion when people throw mud at you completely unreasonably. But, believe me, it’s much worse to respond with rudeness, which means standing on one intellectual level with a boor, but we have no use for it.
A person often hides behind his rudeness own complexes which he is unable to cope with. Therefore, treat the boor as a wretched person - he has already got enough from life, poor fellow. Your reaction, which is non-standard from the point of view of a boor, will confuse him and destroy all his plans to emotionally feed your nerves and experiences.
6. Communicate with your superiors. This advice applicable in cases where you are rude in any institution (bank, restaurant, store, Gas station etc.). If suddenly during the service process one of the employees begins to be blatantly rude to you, he is thereby encroaching on your rights. In this case, it is useless to be rude in response to this employee, because it is nothing more than a waste of effort and energy. Check with the manager who his immediate superior is and contact him with a complaint about the quality of customer service. In any case, cases of rudeness on the part of service workers cannot be left unpunished, because a boorish employee will not understand the mistake he has made, and he will serve the next client in the same way, and therefore it is necessary to teach the employee a lesson in politeness. After communicating with the boss, the boorish employee should be asked complaint book and describe everything that happened in it. Remember that you have rights, and everyone involved in the service industry must respect and respect these rights.
7. Use your imagination. When a boor expresses everything he thinks about you to your face, you can imagine that the boor is behind a large glass, and you absolutely cannot hear what he is saying to you - not a single word. This technique is very funny - you see the boor waving his arms, moving his lips, trying in every possible way to capture your attention, but everything is in vain - you don’t hear him.
8. Talk to the boor. There are situations when rudeness cannot simply be ignored or ridiculed. In particular, this applies to your close people, acquaintances, friends and colleagues, since you will continue to communicate with these people in any case, despite their rudeness. In such cases, the best thing you can do for yourself and for the boor is to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Ask him what happened to him today, how he feels, find out from him why he tells you unpleasant things, what causes his behavior, etc. The main goal of this conversation is to allow the boor to look at himself from the outside, rethinking his behavior.
9. Adapt to positive mood. As a rule, people with a negative outlook on life resort to rudeness during a conversation. The basic rule: “Like attracts like” has not yet been canceled, so we can conclude that you attract people with a negative outlook on life through your own thoughts. Notice what thoughts, positive or negative, are dominant in your head. If you notice that negative thoughts significantly more, you must begin to work on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones through positive outlook to the world. Change your thoughts and you can change your reality.
Whatever method of responding to rudeness you choose, remember one thing - do not be rude in response to rudeness, modern boors are just waiting for this in order to feed off your energy. It is better to simply ignore rudeness and not take it personally. Good luck to you.
Taken from therapy.by/
We all encounter rudeness from time to time. What to do if a relative, colleague, neighbor or boss is rude? Well, everyone has their own simple strategy.
Polite stupidity
colleagues, elderly relatives, strangers.
The essence
The essence of the method is simple: answer any boorish question or statement with a clarifying question. And do this until your interlocutor gets tired of having an empty dialogue with you. The method is very convenient. Firstly, you infuriate the person with your stupid clarifying questions, and secondly, you develop your resistance to stress.
Dialogue example:
- Lord, what dirty shoes.
- What do you mean by this? Are you only talking about the sole?
- No.
- That is, you claim that my shoes are absolutely dirty.
- Well, yes
- Do you think your shoes are clean?
…
And so on until you get tired of it.
"You're right"
For whom should the method be used: grumpy old people, customers, neighbors, colleagues.
The essence
Sometimes it is easier to agree with a claim than to enter into a reasoned dispute. But this is only half the method. The second part is to ask the person to participate in solving the problem. Is your neighbor constantly complaining that you don’t wash the front door? Agree with him and borrow money to buy detergent. By the way, you don’t have to give the money back later, citing memory problems.
"In Search of Meaning"
For whom should the method be used: rude boss.
The essence
Sometimes it’s worth directly telling the manager: “Sorry, of course, but I won’t work like that. I don’t deserve such an attitude towards me and such a manner of speech. If you want to be rude, be rude to someone else. You can fire me, it’s up to you to decide. But maybe Should we find a way to cooperate?"
There is a high risk that you will actually be fired. But this is only for the better. Nerves are worth more than any money. Yes, and your efficiency is rude in a positive way definitely won't have any effect.
Stink bug method
For whom should the method be used: in all other cases.
The essence
What are the benefits of stink bugs? That's right, nothing. They stink like some people. Unfortunately, the criminal code does not allow physical violence in relation to boors. But you can act the same as with stink bugs. Avoid them, don’t touch them, otherwise, well, you know. Don't ask boorish questions and don't answer. You don't talk to insects, do you? Hams are no better than insects.
Stink bugs should not be crushed. People too. Both will emit a foul odor. It is advisable to even look at boors as if they were stink bugs. Believe me, they will love it.
Unfortunately, everyone has at one time or another had to deal with the rudeness and aggression of other people. Of course, there is little pleasure in this. And the reaction to an insult can be very different - from silence to outright obscene dialogue with the offender.
Rudeness is an attempt to verbally humiliate a person and thus rise in one’s own eyes and in the eyes of people watching the scene of swearing. It turns out that a person who speaks rudely just wants to assert himself and prove to the whole world that he is not empty place, and his opinion must be taken into account and respected.
Very often boors are driven by a feeling of fear. Such a person is afraid that someone will hurt or offend him, and he will not be able to give a worthy rebuff. Therefore, he is the first to “get into trouble”, expressing his complaints and not allowing the interlocutor to come to his senses.
It also happens that rudeness is a reaction to some mental wound. In this case, at the slightest encroachment on personal space from offended person you can hear such a stream of abuse that you involuntarily begin to answer him in his own words. And then this person begins to be rude to the other interlocutor, and thus the insults are passed along the chain.
Such a chain can only be interrupted by those who know the techniques that allow them to defend themselves from unfounded insults and put the offender in his place. It is hardly worth remaining silent and “swallowing” the insult. After all, it is known that unexpressed emotions can cause somatic diseases, such as gastritis, ulcers, headaches, etc.
However, unleashing a stream of abuse on a person is also not recommended. Psychologists advise using one of three methods.
1. Polite stupidity
This method can be applied to colleagues, strangers or elderly relatives. Its essence is to ask clarifying questions to all rudeness. By the way, this method can also be included in job interview techniques. At the same time, speak deliberately politely and calmly. For example, if they say to you: “Well, sit here...”, look carefully at the interlocutor and clarify: “What do you mean?” This can lead to some confusion for the offender. If he answers you: “I mean, you took up all the space!”, then ask: “Do you want to say that you don’t have enough space?” And so repeat your opponent’s words ad infinitum. Don't add any words of your own, just clarify his phrases. Usually, with such tactics, the offender is missing for a long time - he turns around and leaves.
2. Consent
The essence of the second method comes down to agreeing with the rude person’s claims, and then asking him to help solve the problem that has arisen, or simply switch to another topic. Suppose you go out for a walk with the dog, and an elderly granny begins to lament: “You’re walking the animals again, the whole yard is already littered...”. Answer: “You are right! And in one country, owners are required to clean up after their dogs. It’s probably worth introducing such a rule here too, what do you think?” After such an answer, the neighbor will stop grumbling and switch to a normal conversation. And if you ask her for advice, for example, where is the best place to buy groceries, you can rest assured that the next time you meet, she will behave politely and without aggression.
3. Search for meaning
The last method is useful if your boss is regularly rude to you. In general, you can react to rudeness from your boss in different ways: you can not respond to his words, but then lash out at your colleagues, you can tell the boss whatever you want and proudly quit, and, finally, the most The best way reaction - answer the boss in this spirit: “Sorry, but I can’t work normally when they talk to me like that. Of course, you can fire me, but most likely it would be much better to find a way to cooperate? Not every person would dare to say this to the boss’s face. But by overcoming yourself and taking risks, you can win the respect and trust of your boss, and your colleagues too.
If none of the methods helps you pacify the boor, then make an effort over yourself and get away from the eyes of this person. You shouldn't waste your time and energy on people who like to swear and be rude. You still won’t be able to convince them, but a spoiled mood can negatively affect the whole day. Try to switch your attention to something pleasant, and you won’t notice how quickly the unpleasant incident will be forgotten.
Since we can traditionally expand our communication on weekends, I chose to discuss very interesting article. We all work with people, and the topic of rudeness concerns us too. Psychologists review cases and advise how to behave in similar situations.
And in our group there are some who allow themselves to be rude. They even sorted out my biography and questioned my intelligence. So who has higher intelligence: me, who remained silent, or the so-called lawyers, whose dubious behavior was obvious. And they are still their dubious higher education put at the forefront! I was very upset that no one stood up for me.
Gazeta.Ru selected five stories about rudeness and asked experts in the field of psychology to comment on them.
Story one: “Quickly bring me a chair here”
“Very often, people who are offended by fate try to compensate for their failures by humiliating those they encounter through the nature of their work: security guards, concierges, workers of various social authorities, saleswomen... Recently my child got sick, he had a fever, and we had to call the local pediatrician. From the very threshold she began to behave like a noblewoman. She commanded “bring me a chair here quickly” and put her bag on it. I handed her new shoe covers, but she literally threw them back to me and said that she didn’t have time to “put this on”: “If I spend time on this in every apartment, I will have no time to work.”
She walked straight into the children's room in dirty boots, across the white carpet, leaving black footprints. Then she started yelling at my child because he quietly said how old he was, then she didn’t like that we called her home with a temperature of 37.5. “With such a temperature we could have come to the appointment.” .(This is in winter, in the cold!) And so on, everything like that. At the same time, she constantly emphasized that she works for pennies.
I couldn’t stand it and said: “Well, leave if you don’t like this job and your salary so much.” Why are you taking it out on children and their parents, they are not to blame for anything?” She called me hysterical, said that I needed to go check with a psychiatrist and that she would never come to us on call again. I just don’t know how to behave in this situation and generally how to deal with such people in order to put them in their place. And in general, is it possible to do this or are such people not susceptible to any influence?”
Mother
Let us immediately decide that in the format of these comments, in principle, it is impossible to fully discuss such a capacious problem as rudeness, so we will call the following comments simply notes in the margins.
As always, there are two sides to a conflict: people for whom such behavior is considered the norm and its observers. On the first side, everything is more or less clear. These people grow here like mushrooms on the fertile soil of modern Russian dependency, indulgence in laziness, lack of culture, dominance material assets over the spiritual, suppression of personal freedoms, self-esteem and self-realization. A doctor who studied for many years in order to hate own profession, her patients and herself, in addition to unconditional censure, deserves pity. The one that will humiliate her even more and lead to a moral dead end. She does not believe in her ability to be respected, loved, honored, compares her wealth with each of her patients, tries to somehow compensate for her defective sense of self, humiliating and despising others.
Do you think she can be defeated? She has long since defeated herself, like millions of other Russians who do not see their tomorrow and do not believe that anyone will hear them, that someone needs them, that their vote in the voting that just took place can change something. Is it worth fighting with the effect, and not with the cause of the phenomenon?
How should the other side behave? Of course, feeling different, better, more civilized, fairer, I want to be heard. But, if this is so, then why impose your understanding of life and decency on others? Isn’t it better not to spoil the nerves of either yourself or the doctor, but simply defend your rights where they can be heard and implemented?
IN in this case It is completely useless to re-educate a doctor. But if you consider her behavior dishonest and inconsistent with medical ethics, then you should write a statement to management or the health department and thereby try to protect not only yourself, but also your neighbors from such unobtrusive service from such a doctor. But we are too lazy to contact. And impunity triumphs. Slave psychology humility permeates us through and through, and we continue to indulge unprofessionalism, allowing such people to continue not to think about the need for changes in themselves.
Exists a large number of people who have had to deal with a similar situation. Let's look at the most common mistakes. What is the problem? But the problem is that a note of dissatisfaction or irritation in the voice gives rise to a similar response from the interlocutor. What you gave is what you received.
Is allowing someone to behave in an insolent or inappropriate manner normal behavior? Of course not. The residue of discontent, anger, irritation will have its effect for a long time Negative influence. What factors shape normal behavior? First - adequate self-esteem. The second is a clear knowledge of your rights and the rights of your interlocutor. Third, the ability to defend one’s boundaries in a socially correct manner.
What could be the behavior in such a situation? The child’s mother could say: “Dear Mrs. Doctor. I respect you and your profession, which is very significant for each of us. “In addition, I understand how difficult it is for you, but in this situation I will ask you to respect us and the rules that exist in our family.” Then list the main principles. And in conclusion, you can say: “If you are not ready for such interaction, we will use the services of another specialist.” Thank you again for your understanding." It is possible that the child’s mother will lose contact with this doctor, but she will definitely retain the feeling self-esteem. And it’s easy to live with this feeling.
Story two: “Here you sit, if you want to”
“What infuriates me the most are people who always and everywhere jump in line. Because of such impudence, you also begin to behave like a market trader. But how else can you scare them away?! Recently I was sitting in line at the tax office, I arrived at eight in the morning and I’ve been waiting for two hours. And then the lady in furs brazenly walks, without stopping, opens the door and walks in. I would never have succeeded, I probably wouldn’t have had the self-control.
I thought that the tax officers would kick her out of the office, but she remains there, despite the fact that there is already a visitor in the office, and when he leaves, the tax officers attend to her. As a result, she comes out with a satisfied, arrogant expression on her face, which simply reads in plain text: “Yes, I had you all.”
I said to her: “Why are you jumping in line, people sit here for hours?” And she replies: “Here you sit, if you want.” He turns and leaves. At such moments, you just want to do something that will unbalance such a boorish person and throw her off this pedestal. For example, pour a can of paint or something like that onto her wonderful fur coat. As a result, I thought about this incident for the rest of the day, replayed the situation in my head, came up with various ways revenge. I actually spent the entire day on this woman. At the same time, I clearly understand that she is not worth my thoughts, but I can’t help myself, and this upsets me even more than all the rudeness in the world.”
Alyona
Commented by Vadim Kurov, psychotherapist
In this situation, everything is still more subtle and confusing than it seems at first glance. For a lady who has skipped the line, the fact is obvious that she cannot afford to exist without showing her superiority over others. It is very important for her to be constantly on the lookout for new evidence that she is superior to others, thereby emphasizing her achievements and successes. And if they don’t exist, she just goes away like soap bubble, and she no longer has arguments in favor of what she lives for, what is the meaning of her being in the world. It is empty without these doses of adrenaline, conflicts, Pyrrhic victories. If she has a pedestal, then we only help her climb onto it, worrying about her behavior and actions.
The narrator of this story dragged her in the shower “all day”, at some point she even envied her cunning, worried about her inability to do the same or give an adequate rebuff. Yes, the boorish woman got past you faster, but you also gave her the most important thing - attention and emotional support, allowing her to drive you crazy. You can't imagine a greater gift for them. Keep your composure, and if you really feel numb, then express yourself. But not in order to shame or re-educate such people, but in caring for oneself, in order to remove the burden from the soul.
Take care of yourself - that's the main thing. She taught you a lesson that you can apply later: either check with such people in the future where they are in such a hurry, or, if justice is important to you, block their path. Calm and composed. They only understand strength, and strength well-mannered person in endurance and self-control.
Psychologist-psychotherapist Konstantin Pisarevsky comments
Reading this letter, I remembered the parable of three monks who, looking at the sea, each thought to himself. One looked with joy at the waves splashing off the shore, another neutrally reflected on everyday worries, and the third thought with annoyance about when this excitement would end. Three people looking at the same event experienced completely different emotions. Alain can be understood. She is trying to defend her boundaries, her right to a turn. But was her behavior correct? How satisfied is she with the result? How comfortable is it for her to experience the feeling of revenge?
She is the judge. I would advise you to switch - it doesn’t matter what, the main thing is that your attention should be directed to a different situation, where you can emotionally “cool down” and come to your senses. Accept the imperfections of this world for yourself. Let him be who he is. Allow him to be perfect in his imperfection.
But what to do if a residue of discontent and irritation is still present in your soul? Use the little tricks that are available in modern psychotherapy. Just look at this situation from the outside, as if watching a scene from your life, where you are the main character. Of course, this will not completely get rid of negative feelings, however, will definitely improve your emotional state.
Story three: “Mare, you should sit at home, not drive”
You probably won’t find such rudeness as on Moscow roads anywhere. Recently, during rush hour, I was driving on one of the Moscow streets in the rightmost lane. I want to say right away that I adequately assess my driving skills - I am not a racer, and therefore usually, if there is a high-speed highway, I never occupy the right lane and do not stop those who are driving fast. But here there is a dense stream of cars ahead and behind too, so it makes absolutely no difference in which row you stand.
Suddenly, a large black SUV changes lanes behind my car and starts flashing its high beams and honking its horn. To be honest, at first I didn’t even understand what he needed from me. It turns out that in this way he demanded that I urgently change lanes into the adjacent dense traffic flow and let him pass. After I didn’t do this, he squeezed into the next row and, when he caught up with my car, opened the window and shouted: “Mare, you should sit at home, not drive.”
Then he suddenly changed lanes right in front of me (I thought he would scratch my car) and then began flashing his headlights and honking at the cars ahead. Someone let him through, didn’t want to get involved, someone didn’t let him through, and then he changed lanes into the next row and acted according to my scheme. I wonder if such people have at least something human in them? Maybe I should have covered him with three layers so that he would understand that he shouldn't behave like that? It just seems to me that as long as those around them silently swallow their rudeness, they will feel like kings.
Veronica
Commented by Vadim Kurov, psychotherapist
And another example of a little man who craves your attention and devours your emotions. True, if you let him devour them. These are the rudiments of the “new Russian” boys who acquired everything material quickly and aggressively. But somehow we didn’t have time to do spiritual, mental and moral things. And it turned out to be more difficult. They have children, servants, employees. And they all endure such monsters and gain experience in how to live. These little “fat kids”, derivatives of emptiness, yearning for the spotlight. Do not give them attention, emotions (especially negative ones) and remember that you have the right to live in a world where they do not exist. Look through them, talk through them, don't let them get over you by worrying about their behavior or speech.
If you can't actually win on their field, have your own. The worst thing for them is to look funny or absurd, but humor is a weapon of rare sharpness and skill. Study and they will seem to you like pathetic, mischievous puppies. But I wouldn’t advise you to re-educate them. This is a very thankless task. Let them live on this planet, as if in parallel world. Don't worry about what, how or where they feel. Attention to yourself and only yourself.
Psychologist-psychotherapist Konstantin Pisarevsky comments
The situation that Veronica writes about is quite common on Moscow roads. And, unfortunately, it is difficult to overcome it. And is she capable of it? Are there not enough examples of showdowns with fists, bats, and traumatic pistols? And if we talk about stereotypes regarding women driving in our society, we will have to touch on a separate topic.
In real Russian reality, there is a superbly working rule, the meaning of which lies in the three “Ds”: give way to the fool. And perhaps the wisdom of this rule extends far beyond the highway, so let Veronica reframe the problem. Let her set herself a task that will be aimed not at the desire to throw the “boor” off the pedestal, but at maintaining her emotional calm. This can be achieved by asking yourself the question: “How can I make myself feel as comfortable as possible when being in such situations”? There will be a goal, and, as they say, the means will be found.
Story four: “Busy here!”
The rudeness of our compatriots is most clearly manifested somewhere on vacation among Europeans. The difference in mentality is clearly felt. Here is an eloquent example. My son and I were on vacation in Turkey. We specially chose a hotel where there are usually few Russians and mostly Germans, but some small amount There are still Russians. Breakfast, sold out, all tables occupied. You could, of course, wait it out and come later, but we are on an excursion and need to quickly throw something inside and be on the bus in fifteen minutes.
We see a free table, an obese lady is sitting at it, apparently alone. I come up and ask if I can sit down. “It’s busy here!” she answers me rudely and with pressure. “Can I at least take chairs,” I ask. “Yes, you’re welcome,” the lady answers in the same tone and I finally understand that she will sit at the table alone. However, there is no desire to fight for a place. The child and I, with chairs in one hand and a plate in the other hand, walk along the tables and look for free place. Suddenly the Germans, whose table was actually complete (there were four of them sitting), moved and motioned for us to sit down. All this was done cordially, from the heart, with a smile. Is rudeness really just ours? national trait? When you think about this, it becomes very offensive for the nation.
Karina
The main strength of rudeness and rudeness is that they are contagious. These unnecessary, but ubiquitous emotional viruses are transmitted from one person to another, and sometimes one word or even a glance is enough for this. No matter where the threat comes from - from passersby on the street, passengers in transport, sellers in a local supermarket or close friends, there are several great ways increase your immunity to rudeness and rudeness.
Remember that rudeness is rarely directed at you personally
The behavior of others rarely depends on us and is even less often directed at us. Especially in the case of rudeness. There are not many people in the world who wake up in the morning with the thought: “today I will definitely be rude to my downstairs neighbor.” Most often, harsh words and rude gestures are a mechanism for countering the same rudeness from others or the result of weakness and self-doubt.
The most common reason to be rude to your neighbor for no reason is a chain reaction. How often unexpected rudeness made each of us lose control of ourselves and “take it out” on others. But it is important to always remember that our behavior depends on ourselves, and not on neighbors or a rude clinic worker who does not know how to behave. We cannot control the behavior of other people, but we have absolute control over our thoughts and actions. Isn't this a comforting thought?
Choose the opposite reaction
To interrupt " chain reaction“When you feel unjustifiably angry, you need to stop and force yourself to do something completely opposite to the impulse to be rude. It’s not easy, but after the first minute it becomes easier, and if you force yourself to smile at the same time, the negative emotions will completely disappear.
You should not perceive your reluctance or inability to be rude to others as a sign of weakness. By refusing to be led by negative emotions, you protect your psychological and emotional balance. Following this simple rule, over time, you will notice that you have developed absolute immunity to rudeness and rudeness. After all, it is much better to sow good, bright, eternal things instead of discord.
Perseverance doesn't have to be rude
There are times when positive attitude And kind words it's not enough, because boorish behavior and rudeness are not always limited to just words. It's probably best not to start an argument if someone has jumped the line or squeezed into traffic, but there are situations when someone's rudeness needs to be responded to with firmness.
For example, a colleague attributed his mistake to you, and now you are responsible for it. In such a situation, ignoring the problem or a few kind words will not provide a solution. However, retaliatory rudeness will only worsen relationships in the team and ruin everyone’s mood. Coming up with your own little meanness “out of spite” or to teach a lesson will bring you moral satisfaction for no more than an hour, then you will feel even worse. Such difficult situations you should do the following:
- Tell the bully directly what you think of his behavior and how it affected you professionally and emotionally.
- Distance yourself from the person who offended you.
- If these actions do not convince the offender to change the situation, inform management about the incident, maintaining a calm and matter-of-fact tone. This is not weakness or sneaking - it is your right to defend yourself and your professional activities.
Use psychological tricks
If you have a hard time not being rude back, try one or more of the following tricks:
- Imagine that you are hugging someone who has been rude to you. Try to sympathize with him and imagine what could make him behave this way. This action will instantly reduce your negative attitude towards the person.
- Give clear definition to your emotions. Objectively evaluate each of the emotions that overwhelm you, name it and find the reason. This exercise will calm you down and shift the focus from the bully to you personally.
- Find the little child in you and talk to him. Giving in external influence negative emotions, we in many ways behave like children, raising a cry with or without reason. Growing up, we stop crying over an unbought toy because our perspective expands, we understand that now, besides toys, there are other important things, much more important things. When you are ready to be rude to someone, turn to your inner child and show him how insignificant this anger is compared to other things and emotions.
Just a little ability to calm ourselves down and look at the situation from the outside can help us maintain composure and emotional balance in the face of the most causeless and offensive rudeness.