Somehow, you have to figure out for yourself whether you really want to do this. You can only respond to an offer if you have clearly decided whether you need it or not. Tell yourself: “No, I don’t need this!”
Say no to your interlocutor. Don't be afraid to offend a person. If you do everything right, there will be no resentment or obvious anger. Give reasons for your refusal. Give why you cannot or do not want to fulfill the request. When speaking, use the pronoun “I” more often. Speak clearly without confusion. No, just give reasons!
State the reason for the refusal. The reason can be either real or fictitious. However, remember that it must be understandable to the interlocutor. He must agree with you and accept your refusal. Don't be rude or harsh. Speak calmly, direct your gaze to the bridge of the interlocutor’s nose. A shifting gaze and uncertainty can make it clear to your interlocutor that you feel uncomfortable, and he will put pressure on you.
Refuse by doing . When refusing, say something nice to your interlocutor. For example, you could say, “Great idea, but...”. The person must understand that you want to fulfill his request and, if not for the circumstances, you would definitely fulfill it.
Repeat your refusal. Psychologists say that a person needs to hear a refusal three times before he understands that it is no longer possible to obtain consent. Be. Respond to all persuasion with a firm refusal. Be calm and control yourself.
Train with friends. Ask a friend to pester you with a request. Refuse him. Ask him to point out your shortcomings and mistakes when refusing: a shifting gaze, an uncertain voice,... Over time, rejection will become much easier for you.
Helpful advice
Remember: when you refuse a person, you are not deliberately offending him, but doing what you need.
Sources:
- Encyclopedia of practical psychology
Instructions
You should start with something simple - recognize that there is a problem. Without this, it will be impossible to change the situation. Try to understand how selfless your relationship is. If you analyze, it is not difficult to see the motives that motivate your friend, loved one or colleague.
Try to identify moments that seem suspicious to you, and then gently and tactfully approach them in some detail. After this, observe his reaction. If a person does not pay special attention to what happened, your relationship is not in danger. But if a person shows and tries to get something from you again, it’s better to prepare yourself in advance for a quick breakup
There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can contact them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. Many consider this quality of their character to be a human virtue, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “no-failure” person in order to transfer some of your problems onto him.
However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?
People who cannot say “no” often do not have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they can, at best, count on a dubious compliment as gratitude for their reliability.
Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively take advantage of their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim is looking for an executioner. And even if the “non-refusal person” suddenly rebels and refuses to play the role of lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of complete selfishness and heartlessness.
There are golden words that everyone should remember: “Living the way you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others should think and live the way you want.”
Why are people afraid to say no?
People who fulfill other people's requests against their wishes most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they do not like at all.
Many people later regret what they once wanted, but were unable to say “no”.
Often, when people refuse, they say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. Indeed, many are not used to being rejected, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relationships, etc.
Some people don't say “no” for fear of becoming unwanted and being left alone.
How to refuse politely?
By saying “no,” we often make enemies for ourselves. However, it is worth remembering that what is more important for us is to offend someone with a refusal or to take upon ourselves the fulfillment of obligations that burden us. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude manner. For example, the same diplomats try not to say “yes” or “no,” replacing them with the words “Let’s discuss this.”
When saying “no”, it is worth remembering that:
this word can protect against problems;
can mean “yes” if pronounced hesitantly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by refusing what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.
There are several simple ways to politely refuse, which show that anyone can do this task.
1. Outright refusal
Some people believe that when refusing something, you must give a reason for the refusal. This is a misconception. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the person asking hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, the lie may later be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincerely often gives himself away with his facial expressions and voice.
Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the refusal by saying: “No, I can’t do this,” “I don’t want to do this,” “I don’t have time for this.”
If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirades. There is no need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no.”
This method is suitable for refusing aggressive and overly persistent people.
2. Compassionate refusal
This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their way with their requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help.
For example, “I’m very sorry for you, but I can’t help you.” Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”
3. Justified refusal
This is a fairly polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal or informal. It is suitable both when refusing to older people and when refusing to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.
This refusal assumes that you give a valid reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this because I’m going to the theater with my child tomorrow,” etc.
It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing when using it is the brevity of the wording so that the person asking quickly grasps the essence.
4. Delayed refusal
This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone’s request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically respond with consent to any request. People of this type often doubt that they are right and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.
Delayed refusal allows you to think about the situation and, if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say “no” immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. This way you can insure yourself against rash steps.
A justified refusal might look like this: “I can’t answer right now because I don’t remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I have arranged to meet someone. I’ll need to look at my weekly planner to confirm.” Or “I need to consult at home,” “I need to think. I’ll tell you later,” etc.
You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.
5. Compromise refusal
Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the terms of assistance - what and when we can and what we cannot.
For example, “I can take your child to school with mine, but just let him be ready by eight o’clock.” Or “I can help you do repairs, but only on Saturdays.”
If such conditions do not suit the requester, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.
6. Diplomatic refusal
It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we don’t want or can’t, but together with the person asking, we look for a solution to the problem.
For example, “I can’t help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues.” Or “Perhaps I can help you in another way?”
In response to examples of different refusal techniques, one can argue that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on anyone’s help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are accustomed to “playing with one goal”, believe that everyone is obliged to them and abuse the reliability of other people.
Have you met people for whom the very thought of what is needed say no plunges you into a state of “quiet horror”?
Your heart beats in your chest like a little bird, your palms become wet, your knees tremble, your head becomes foggy. And... the ready answer flies out from the depths of “yes”.
The described option is, of course, an extreme.
There are others: I don’t want, I don’t want, I resist with all my guts, but, nevertheless, I agree.
Why is it difficult for a person to say “no”?
Why do we answer “yes” to social pressures, requests from friends and colleagues, and additional instructions from our boss, when in fact we are burning inside and want to say no?
Why does such disharmony and discrepancy arise between the internal state and the spoken word?
Causes.
1. Reduced self-esteem.
2. Fear of ruining relationships, the desire to create an image of yourself as a good, kind, sweet person who always comes to the rescue.
But alas... infringement of one's rights does not make a person better in the eyes of others. Meet - .
3. The desire to show your importance, necessity, indispensability.
4. Lack of personal high goals, which require strength, time, energy, and action.
Such a person simply does not have that core within himself to which he can and would like to say “yes,” so he says “yes” to external strangers and deeds.
1. Listen carefully to the request.
2. First, praise the idea of contacting you and thank you for the offer. Use the principle - no one needs conflict.
3. Report that you will not be able to fulfill this request.
4. Give thanks again.
Examples.
You are offered to organize some kind of event.
Alexander Petrovich, this is a wonderful thing. I'm sure the employees will like it. I highly appreciate that you approached me with this proposal, but for a number of reasons, I will not be able to do this. I am very pleased with your trust.
A friend suggests participating in a committee meeting of a public organization.
Marina, I realized that this is a really great and worthwhile idea. I am very grateful that you chose me, it is a great honor for me. For some reason I can't take part in this event, but I want you to feel how grateful I am to you for this offer.
The boss assigns additional work.
Nikolai Vasilyevich, I am ready to fulfill any of your instructions. But let me first tell you what projects I’m working on now.
After this, it is advisable to visually show all the tasks that you are performing, indicating the deadlines for completion, and then ask the question: “Which of these tasks would you recommend that I postpone or cancel in order to complete your new assignment.”
General rules of refusal.
1. Sometimes a firm, laconic “no” is enough.
2. Use the pronoun “I”, “me”, emphasizing for yourself and for others that this is your decision, the will of your personality.
3. Do not make excuses when explaining the situation of refusal.
4. Speak confidently, firmly, calmly, looking into the eyes or the point between the eyes.
In this article, I examined only a few refusal options.
Do you know how to say “no”?
Share your methods in the comments.
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Not always and not everyone can we help, devote our time and energy. Therefore, often even close people have to refuse, for objective reasons or simply due to lack of desire. It's okay to say no. You need to learn to do this without remorse and suffering. If you want or are forced to say “no”, but are afraid of offending someone dear to you, you can do everything in such a way that no one will be upset. Let's look at 5 simple ways to refuse without offending people.
1. Offer an alternative.
If a person asks you for a meeting, some kind of service or favor, and for some reason you do not intend to satisfy his request, you can not just refuse, but offer the interlocutor an alternative solution. For example, a colleague asks you to replace you at work while you are on vacation. You have a good, friendly relationship with him, and you wouldn’t want to hurt him. But you don’t want to go to work before the deadline. You can, for example, offer your colleague the phone number of another employee who is not busy and is not against additional part-time work. This way you will not offend the person, and besides, you will show your participation in his difficult situation, and perhaps even help.
2. Say you understand the person.
If you are about to refuse someone but are worried about their reaction, which may be painful and emotional, begin your speech with the words: “I understand you” or “I sympathize with you.” And then insert “but” and continue your speech with a refusal. By starting a speech in this way, you make it clear to the person that his problems are by no means indifferent to you, but at the moment you cannot give him anything other than sympathy or empathy.
3. State the reason.
This works with almost all adequate, non-toxic people. When you tell your interlocutor the objective reason for your refusal, he will immediately understand that he has come to the wrong address and will not be offended, but will begin to look for someone else who can help him. Let's look at an example. A friend came to you to borrow money before payday, which she really needed to buy a dress at a discount. If you simply say “no, I won’t,” it is quite possible that this will hurt your friend. But, if you say: “Sorry, I can’t help you, because I’ve planned a budget for the month and don’t have any free funds,” your friend will thank you for your participation and go look for another way to meet her needs.
4. Inspire to solve the problem yourself.
Often people turn to us with requests not only because they have no other way to solve their problem. Sometimes it happens that a person is simply used to solving his problems at the expense of others, or does not believe that he can cope on his own. In this case, you can help the person by refusing, but by inspiring him to independently solve the problem.
5. Offer to help another time.
If at the moment you, with all your desire, cannot help a loved one and are forced to refuse, you can offer him help at some other time if you want to participate in his situation later. This way you will definitely not offend the person, and even more, you will be able to help another time.
It's always hard to refuse. To a child - in the hundredth toy, to a colleague - in a request to take overtime, to a mother - to come when you have no strength at all and other plans, to a friend - to “just try” the fifth pie, “after all, she tried so hard !".
However, if you never refuse anyone anything, those around you will sit comfortably and securely on your neck and will ride until you lie flat. Therefore, you will have to refuse. We learn to do this politely and gently, but in such a way that no one doubts your intentions.
So, how to say no:
1. Don't answer right away
Take a break, you can even say directly: “I need to think.” This will give you time to collect your thoughts and build an argument if your interlocutor suddenly begins to insist. Most often, this does not happen, by the way.
Remember the last time you were rejected? Did this lead to your lifelong resentment? No, most likely, you took the refusal as additional information and simply changed your plan of action. However, occasionally you come across people who hear the word “no” too rarely; they need additional arguments.
2. Don't apologize too much
You have the right to manage yourself, your time, money and other resources. Even if you refuse to let your child go to an amusement park or buy another toy, you shouldn’t apologize profusely. You have your reasons, you proceed from them. It is unlikely that you are driven by greed or a desire to offend.
The same logic applies in other situations; you have the right to refuse. It is enough to be polite and apologize once for the fact that you cannot help in this or that matter.
3. Don't go into detail
Be laconic in your refusal, just say: “I’m very sorry, but I can’t help you,” “Sorry, nothing will work out.” Even a simple and short phrase “It won’t work today” is already a sufficient justification.
Any attempts to describe the situation in detail are like excuses. In addition, they provide an opportunity to drag you into an unnecessary discussion or pressure you into feelings of guilt, a sense of duty, and other room for manipulation.
4. Become a “mirror” of your interlocutor
Your answers must be absolutely symmetrical. For example, a colleague asks you to take on part of his work, you have enough of your own to do, so you cannot help him.
- I need to do this work before Friday, could you help me?
- I understand that you need to do this work before Friday, but, unfortunately, I cannot help you.
- But I really need it!
- I understand that you really need this, but unfortunately I still can’t help.
Repeat your interlocutor’s phrase over and over again, ending with his refusal; you won’t need any additional arguments.
5. Broken record effect
Have you ever experienced a child refusing? Well, of course, we have encountered who did not persuade a child to eat these very tasty vegetables and this very healthy fish! The child repeats his “no” and “I won’t” until you give up. Just follow his example next time.
If you feel uncomfortable refusing without giving a reason, for example, you have to refuse your parents or one of your close friends, you may well state the reason for your refusal, making it clear that you are absolutely unable to change the circumstances. For example: “I would be glad to come by in the evening, but I have urgent work to complete, so I won’t be able to.”
7. Offer an alternative
Yes, you cannot help the person right now, but perhaps you can find time tomorrow or another time when you have free resources. Having received a refusal, the person will not be offended and will know that he can still count on you if the need arises and you have the time and desire to help.
8. Get the details
How long exactly will this take? Can you start without me? Let's move this to another time? Simulate the situation until it becomes comfortable for you. The ability to refuse is not a sign of intransigence, but a sign of rationality. If you cannot devote time to someone else's question, your help will still be of no use.
9. Postpone a decision
Ask for time to make a decision. Practice shows that half of the problems will disappear before you even need to give a final answer. Well, it’s psychologically more difficult to approach a person with the same request the second time.
And, of course, the easiest and most effective way to tell someone is to simply say “no.” There is a psychological exercise for raising self-esteem - for a whole week, answer “no” to any request or question. At first, this word is very difficult to give, but after a few days you notice that it is becoming easier to refuse and feelings of guilt no longer arise. Of course, you won’t always refuse everyone, but the very knowledge that you can do this already makes life much easier and in some places more enjoyable.