How to become a master of communication with any person, in any situation. All secrets, tips, formulas of Narbut Alex
Lesson 6 Learn to put yourself in someone else's shoes
Learn to put yourself in someone else's shoes
Three quarters of the people you meet tomorrow crave sympathy. Show it and they will love you.
Empathy is an ability without which full communication is impossible.
It is impossible to attract a person to you, much less influence him, if you are convinced that he is wrong and strive with all your might to expose his wrongness. Don’t forget: arguing, convincing another that he is wrong is the right way quarrel, or even make an enemy. People don't tend to agree that they are wrong. Moreover, every person believes that he is right. And most often he meets with hostility any attempt to expose him as wrong.
You can influence a person in only one way: first put yourself in his place, understand why he considers himself right, accept his right to his own point of view, albeit different from yours, and only then calmly discuss what stands between you, finding both differences and common ground.
There should simply be no intransigence, no condemnation, no attempts to impose your point of view on others - unless, of course, you plan to part as enemies.
Each person acts or thinks in one way or another due to certain reasons. Try to find out these secret reasons, and you will have the key to his actions, and perhaps to his personality.
Dale Carnegie. "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
It happens that we have to communicate with people we don’t like. It happens that fate brings us together with someone who adheres completely opposing views and beliefs. It happens that we don't find common language even with those closest to us, because we just can’t agree with them on some issues. How do we behave in such cases? We swear, get angry, say that “people are impossible to deal with”, “people are impossible to understand”, or we become despondent, feel lonely and not understood by anyone, driven into a dead end because we have absolutely no idea how to get along with people.
In fact, there is no need to be angry or upset, because everything is far from so tragic. You are quite capable of both understanding another and being understood if you just change your approach to communication: instead of convincing the other that you are right and imposing your opinion on him, you first try to understand what he thinks, feels and why he considers himself right.
Once you understand this, you will understand what he wants and what he is afraid of, what needs are not being met, what makes him suffer, and what exactly makes him insist on his point of view.
For example, you may understand that aggressive person he actually gets angry and swears because deep down in his soul he is terribly afraid of being offended, humiliated, rejected - so he sees hostility even where there is none.
You may notice that a person who commits some unpleasant act does so not because he is bad, but because he does not understand the consequences of his behavior and is not aware of his actions.
Perhaps you will understand that a person behaves somehow ugly only because he wants to attract attention to himself, because he lacks simple human participation, sympathy and love.
You will also see how you can help him. But most often another person needs not so much help as understanding and sympathy. By giving another person understanding and sympathy (without necessarily agreeing with him), you will forever win his gratitude and affection. And no difference in beliefs can come between you! You will learn to respect each other's point of view and will be able to remain friends even if you hold opposing views.
The ability to understand the feelings of another person, to look at the world through his eyes is called empathy. This word translated from Greek means “empathy.”
Empathy is not at all identifying oneself with another and not transferring his emotions onto oneself. This is precisely the ability to temporarily step away from oneself in order to understand what another is feeling - and to do this without evaluation, without condemnation, without one’s own conclusions, but only with the desire to delve into their state.
Every person has the ability to empathize. But different people it is developed on at different levels. According to psychologists, there are three levels of empathy: low, medium and high.
People with low level empaths are essentially egoists who are completely blind and deaf to others. There aren't very many of them.
People with an average level of empathy are capable of understanding and sympathy, but own problems and worries do not often allow these qualities to manifest themselves. That's how most people are.
People with high levels of empathy are able to understand another person very deeply and even perceive other people's experiences as their own. There are not very many such people either.
Too much high level empathy can be fraught with problems - such people have a tendency to “dissolve” in others, losing themselves, living the lives of other people instead of their own. It is precisely because of the fear of such dissolution that many people are afraid to empathize and sympathize with others too much. But this danger will disappear if you develop internal stability.
Value and respect yourself, your personality, trust yourself, recognize the value of your own feelings, thoughts, beliefs - and then you can show compassion and understanding to others without losing yourself.
Most often, we cannot understand another because we are completely focused only on ourselves. As a result, relationships suffer because people close themselves off from each other. They don't even understand how much richer their lives could be if they treated each other's feelings a little more sensitively and caringly.
If you have a poorly developed ability to empathize, or simply have little experience in using it in communication, you can start training this quality. This activity is not only useful, but also interesting. You will open up new opportunities for yourself and take a fresh look at the world.
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From the author's book26 Sofia and the First Snow Learn to put yourself in someone else's shoes Eleanor and I were fast asleep in my parents' house in the suburbs of New York when our five-year-old daughter Sofia came running into the bedroom. “Look out the window!” – she squealed and pulled the curtain. I looked at my watch: six
Today, due to prevailing stereotypes, not all people can adequately perceive the presence of Muslims next to them. After the events of September 11, the world seemed to turn upside down, and the majority sided with hatred of all representatives of Islam. Fortunately, there are people who are trying to look at the Muslim world, so to speak, from the inside. Inspired by one of the people who decided to try on a skullcap, I decided to tell you about how in one of educational institutions The US provides support to Muslim women. We will talk about Central Michigan University. For the second time, the so-called “hijab week” was held there. People in deeds, and not in words, decided in this way to express solidarity with people professing Islam. Young fellow non-Muslim students covered themselves with headscarves for seven days to support the right of their Muslim friends to freedom of religious practice.
According to one of the organizers of the project, Amanda Jackowski, they want to emphasize that for Muslim women in the United States, the hijab is a purely personal choice. They also believe that the hijab is “an outward symbol of internal commitment.” (CM Life.)
This event, whose exact name is “Hijab Week - an experiment in cultural immersion,” was prepared by students of the Faculty of Philosophy and Religion. According to Amanda, the idea to organize this project came to her after her sister attended an Islamic lesson and decided to do educational report on the topic of the American public's perception of Muslims. As a result, 25 non-Muslim girls showed high interest in this project. In addition to wearing headscarves, the participants tried to partially fulfill the requirements of Sharia law, for example, giving up alcohol and not eating pork. Those who did not dare to wear a hijab abandoned revealing blouses and extremely short skirts.
According to the participants, such an event not only helped students better understand each other, but also provided an opportunity to spread basic knowledge about Islamic culture, to slightly dispel the stereotypes and prejudices that have developed in American society. Many have realized the inconvenience Muslim women experience and the misunderstanding they face every day while living in the States.
One of the participants in the cultural experiment, freshman Hannah Foley, commented: “Everything is perceived differently from the inside. Considering all the prejudices that surround Muslim culture, it is not so easy for people to discern the true essence of this religion. For ourselves, we were able to sort out all the stereotypes, after which we realized how important the hijab is for Muslim women.” Natasha Gabara agreed and spoke about the incidents that happened to the participants during the week. She noticed the sidelong glances of strangers on herself: “This teaches me to empathize with Muslim women, I understand how awkward these glances make you feel.”
Some differences from ours everyday life The participants in the experiment were simply stunned, they were even more unexpected, they simply could not be imagined. It is worth noting that with positive attitude Muslim fellow students responded to the action and highly appreciated the initiative shown by their friends. They noted that in this way it will be easier for the younger generation to understand and accept true purpose headscarf and the wisdom of Shariah injunctions. According to unofficial data, approximately 6-8 million Muslims live in the United States today.
IN Lately I often came across the story of one young American woman who also wore a hijab for the day out of curiosity. Her name is Ela, she is 17. She decided to do this after talking with her friend. A friend of hers said that her Muslim friends are discriminated against because they wear the hijab. She decided to understand Muslim women more deeply. Together with his friend, they tied scarves on their heads and then went shopping. She says, “Typically, salespeople try to lure us into buying things and ask us to try snacks. Managers usually ask us if we need help, tell us about the product and smile at us. But not today!" And all this because I tied a scarf! The experiment lasted only a few hours, but Ela says she can't even imagine how much anger and resentment Muslim women experience every day in a non-Muslim society.
A Muslim woman should know and understand that she is like a precious stone that needs an equally precious setting. Chastity, the purity of a woman is priceless, but in today's society the price of this has decreased significantly... They are trying to convince women that main value– this is their sexuality. But judge for yourself, what could be more attractive than modesty? Shrouded in an aura of mystery, you become more attractive than women who show off their charms with a deep neckline. to his appearance you are showing your commitment to Islam. What could be more beautiful than purity, innocence and the understanding that you are not just the object of some lewd fantasy? Beauty must be protected from unworthy eyes, because you will have to give it to the person who sincerely loves you and respects you immensely, and is ready to be with you for the rest of his life.
With great bitterness I look at those who chase Western fashion, transgressing the boundaries of modesty, imitating the Western style of clothing even in their hijab. Many non-Muslim women appreciate the chastity of our women and their upbringing. Many people are sympathetic to what is happening in the Middle East. Actresses, politicians, and journalists express their solidarity with Islamic women in their interviews. Of course, people have different opinions, relationships with each other are not always positive, but with all this, you need to remember that good relations We build people for ourselves. After all, if we bring to society quality knowledge about our religion, if by our example we show people the truth about our religion, won’t it become easier for us to live in a multi-religious and multi-ethnic society? I think the answer is quite obvious.
I wish everyone peace and goodness, and may the mercy of our Lord not leave each of us!
Put yourself in the other person's shoes
Imagine that you are one of four witnesses to an accident: a motorcyclist collided with a car at an intersection. The police officer who takes the testimony will probably hear four versions of this story. Each witness will notice different details and condense or filter the information received in their own way. It is this condensed interpretation of the event that will become their internal representation.
But the internal representations of different people differ significantly from each other. We are not only different delete, distort and generalize, but we also have different acuity of feelings.
In addition, to the cocktail of sensory information are also added personal characteristics, which determines the difference in perception. These features largely depend on our beliefs, values and experiences. Even if we don’t remember our childhood, it is still “imprinted” in our subconscious and now serves as a guide for us. Imagine that one of those who witnessed an accident is a traffic cop who deals with similar incidents almost constantly. And the other is a mother who lost her 20-year-old son in a similar accident a week ago. The same incident will have a completely different effect on different people. Naturally, their stories will not be similar to each other.
People often say:
- Come back to earth! What world do you live in?
These words betray an inability to understand another point of view. In fact, there is no “real” world - there is only our personal perception. Sometimes our perceptions coincide with the perceptions of other people, and sometimes they are radically different.
The basic assumption of NLP is that each of us has our own “world map”, formed based on background, culture, training and personal history. The ability to use NLP helps us accept the fact that each person has his own map.
Having learned to perceive events with different points vision, you will gain incredible flexibility. Like a muscle, this ability can be trained and developed.
In NLP we talk about different “positions” that help us see an event from different perspectives.
? 1st position: This is our own point of view, our starting point.
? 2nd position: This term describes another person's point of view.
? 3rd position: You step back, step back, and acknowledge both points of view.
Changing positions is always beneficial. The situation often requires this. Awareness of these positions will help you more effectively cope with the situation or resolve the conflict.
Staying in only one position can cause problems. We can all think of people who operate in only one position. People living in the first position are usually selfish and can only understand own point vision.
Those who most spends time in the second position, easily gives up own opinion(and sometimes they don’t have it at all). They are always ready to share someone else's point of view.
From the book Lessons from Og Mandino. 17 laws greatest success in the world by Field Alexander59. Exercise “Put yourself in the place of a genius” You don’t have to wait for your own failure to learn from it. You can also learn from the example of others. Read biographies of great people. Each of them had crises in their lives, and quite often. When will you
From the book How to Find the Key to a Man or a Woman author Bolshakova Larisa From the book by Dale Carnegie. How to become a master of communication with any person, in any situation. All secrets, tips, formulas by Narbut Alex From the book Authority. How to become confident, significant and influential author Goyder Carolina From the book Ideal Negotiations by Glaser Judith From the book A Guide to Growing Capital from Joseph Murphy, Dale Carnegie, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Barbara Sher, Neil Walsh author Stern Valentin From the book Techniques by Joseph Murphy and Dale Carnegie. Use the power of the subconscious and consciousness to solve any problems! by Narbut Alex From the book Great Coaching. How to Become a Great Coach in Your Workplace by Julie Starr From the book The Four Second Rule. Stop. Think about it. Do It author Bregman Peter From the book Make Your Brain Work. How to Maximize Your Efficiency by Brann Amy From the book How to Influence. New management style by Owen Joe From the book The Silva Method. The Art of Management by Silva Jose From the book I Always Know What to Say! How to develop self-confidence and become a master communicator author Boisvert Jean-Marie From the book Distractions, or Why Our Plans Go Derailed author Gino FrancescaNow I'll tell you about main mistake which people do when they want to learn empathy.
Empathy is a magical tool. If you know exactly how the other party feels, building a relationship is much easier than blindly.
Everyone knows that you can master empathy if you learn to put YOURSELF IN THE PLACE OF OTHER.
He put himself in the other person’s shoes and precisely calibrated what he wanted.
It is so indeed. But.
The ambush is that people do not put themselves in the place of another, but THE OTHER IN THE PLACE OF THEMSELVES.
What is a place?
This is your situation, your circumstances, your capabilities, your needs.
And the place of another is his situation, his circumstances, his capabilities, his needs.
How do people usually try to put themselves in someone else's shoes?
Here, for example, is a man. He fell in love with a married lady, a teacher English courses. At first he just sympathized, then he talked a little closer and disappeared. It seemed to him that she suited him very well. Inflated the importance of the figure and looked at it over and over again from his minus, waiting in vain new opportunity contact, came to the conclusion that she ideal woman.
All that remains is to show empathy in order to understand how best to approach her.
What does such a man do most often? He imagines that this woman feels the same way as he does. She also looks forward to meeting him, although she hides it. Well, maybe a little less, but still waiting. She does not want to cheat on her husband, just as he does not want to cheat on his wife, but she is very attracted to this man, she is suffocating in her marriage, she lives without romance and misses normal sex. A man tries to imagine how a woman feels, but he imagines her in exactly the same circumstances as him, with exactly the same desires. Represents herself in female form. And he comes to the conclusion that he just needs to come up and invite her to have dinner with him, she will be glad. The teacher refuses him, of course.
That is, instead of imagining himself in the lady’s place, the man imagines the lady in his place and decides that his feelings are mutual.
If he could stand in the lady's place, he would see that she is a teacher, and in front of her are students. They look up at her, puff over their notebooks, distort words funny, confuse tenses, that is, her place in the courses is completely different from his. Higher. In her marriage, everything may be fine, but not such a default as our man, that is, the place is also different. And she is a woman, for her a casual affair is not so much exciting as it is doubtful or even humiliating. This is also a different place because the gender is different. You can also compare the significance. Objective, OZ. What do they have outwardly, according to the money, according to social status? Is this guy a cake for her or not? And from here one can proceed, that is, draw a conclusion about whether he has a chance or in what case this chance will appear.
At a minimum, you need to try to change places, to lure her out of the teacher-student model somewhere, where she will not be a student snoring over a notebook, but a cool exchanger. Is there such a place? Will she go there? Under what conditions will it work?
The place does not have to be topographical; you can simply raise a topic that is relevant to her and in which he may be more competent than she. This topic needs to be monitored by carefully observing, listening and asking questions during the lesson. If you can get her into another role model, she will be able to look at him as an equal or even slightly inferior. Its importance will grow.
If everything is great in a woman’s marriage, you need to understand that it is very difficult to interest such a woman and you need really strong trump cards: exciting communication, a whole bunch of exciting and bright hooks that create attraction. Any ideas? Is there at least a cool car to give this woman a ride home? Just working as a cab driver is of little use, but using the time in the car to lure a woman and hook her with something is possible. The salon should be warm, cozy, have a good smell, pleasant music for her, sincere conversations or, on the contrary, daring, that is, you need to offer her something that is not in her life. Then your importance will grow and you will see it immediately or at your next meeting.
The opportunity to communicate must be used to find out her desires.
Are you probably annoyed by clueless students? (you can find out whether she is happy with her work, whether she wants to relax after work, and if she is very happy with her work, most likely she has leisure time, and speaking of students, she will most likely talk about you)
Do you find it difficult to walk all day in heels? (you can find out a lot about her women's self-esteem, about her satisfaction personal life, but then you have to say that it’s very beautiful so that she doesn’t think that you’re giving her advice)
Don't want to take off your shoes and recline your chair? (here you will immediately see the boundaries that are comfortable for her now, by the answer and by the tone of the answer, and reduce the distance a little more)
What music should I play? This one? Another? (you can find out about her musical tastes, and therefore about the nature of the leisure time that she likes, about what she is like in an informal setting)
Would you like some cognac (Cointreau, rum) from this flask? (she will most likely refuse, but you can also learn a lot from her comment and reaction; she will laugh or be indignant or say that she doesn’t drink or something else, it will be clear about her boundaries and about her attitude towards alcohol and about her attitude to rapid approach)
That is, dialogue should not be used to express one’s heartache on a person or paint your cool, drag him into a boring argument and dominate with your weighty opinion, but in order to help your empathy feel: what it is, his place.
There is no need to imagine your own Anima, who has been in love with you since childhood, in the woman’s place. This woman is on her own. Try to understand what she wants from men in general and from you in particular. Don't want anything? Well, don't be discouraged. Demand can be created.
It is enough to find the place of emotional deficiency in a person. And try to fill this place. If you have found the right place and you have something to fill, the person will definitely respond.
What's bothering him? Just don't ask directly, he will say that everything is fine. Try to provoke frankness using the method of assumption. Say that the work is probably very hard, that her husband was probably all worried, waiting for her so late, that she will probably go to the sea on vacation, and you will learn a lot about her. For example, that she likes the job, but the pay here is low, her husband is busy with his own affairs or they are already divorced, she hasn’t been to the sea for three years. Or, on the contrary, you’re tired of work, your husband really cut off the phone, they’re going on vacation to the mountains, they’ve just been to the sea. Completely different pictures, isn't it? You need to step into her place, so first understand what that place is.
And if you add here her intonation, gaze and body position during dialogue with you, you can guess how you look from this place in this moment You. Yes, she doesn't know you yet. But it will be easier for you to understand what you can show her about yourself and whether you need to show her.
Having calibrated a person well and come to the conclusion that your chances are close to zero, you can get rid of illusions and reduce your minus, if you cannot increase the minus on the other side.
This is the beginning of empathy, this is enough not to take stupid steps, but to take smart steps. With experience, your empathy will become deeper and stronger. It will require less and less less information, you will learn to calibrate a person's emotions simply by looking closely at them and talking for five minutes. Empathy is a skill that develops with experience, and every person has it in its infancy. Only egocentrism prevents him from manifesting himself - an obsession with his desires and emotions.
Take your mind off yourself. Put yourself in the other person's place, rather than the other person in your place.
Are you able to show empathy? Do you know how to calibrate other people's emotions? Build a dialogue in such a way as to understand human needs?
Empathy is the ability to put oneself in the place of another person (or object), the ability to empathize. Empathy also includes the ability to accurately determine the emotional state of another person based on facial reactions, actions, gestures, etc. Psychologist Carl Rogers defines empathy in the following way: To be in a state of empathy means to perceive inner world another exactly, with preservation of emotional and semantic shades. It’s as if you become that other person, but without losing the “as if” feeling. Thus, you feel the joy or pain of another as he feels them, and you perceive their causes as he perceives them. But there must definitely remain a shade of “as if”: as if it were me who was happy or sad.
Empathy - understanding emotional state another person through empathy, penetration into his subjective world. Some level of empathy is professional required quality for all specialists whose work is directly related to people (officials, managers, salespeople, personnel managers, teachers, psychologists, psychotherapists, etc.).
Of course, most people's abilities are blocked in childhood, on school grounds. What makes you so passionately desire this gift, why does it excite people’s minds? And what do they, in the end, know about these same empaths?
Let's try to come from the other side. How does an empath feel when in contact with another? “To be in a state of empathy means to perceive the inner world of another accurately, while maintaining emotional and semantic nuances. It’s as if you become that other person, but without losing the “as if” feeling. Thus, you feel the joy or pain of another as he feels them, and you perceive their causes as he perceives them. But the “as if” shade must remain. You can't pull the blanket over yourself. It is very dangerous to live by other people's emotions. There just isn't enough time for your own.
On the other hand, being an empath does not mean sitting around for days on end and watching someone else’s life, like in a movie. Muggle scientists have proven that empathy is directly related to compassion and conscience. And compassion is a sign of a highly developed person, as is conscience. It's common for an empath to permanent state falling in love. Love for a man, a woman, parents, children, roommates, the neighbor's dog and the neighbor's parrot, even if you are allergic to feathers. Being in harmony with yourself is a common state of being an empath.
What can supplant empathy, at least temporarily? The main enemies of an empath are fear and evil. Here we must clearly distinguish, he does not fight evil, he simply leaves. At the same time, it is impossible to escape fear; it must be defeated, otherwise it will oppress, irritate, and fetter abilities. Willy-nilly, by the age of 15, an empath becomes very strong personality. Dark forces They fear empaths because they can guess their feelings and intentions just by looking. I will also say that no matter how much you terrorize empaths - and particularly well-meaning relatives often do this - the empath will not break, he will become even stronger.
And now about the pleasant things)) Yes, they sometimes enjoy your emotions. They are pure and, at times, naive. Yes, they sometimes have to bring out your fears. But this only happens because special treatment to you. Still, an empath is not a psychotherapist. And they don’t pay him a salary, even in galleons. I would like to))) This gift is given in order to help people. Sometimes saving them, sometimes healing their souls. But this is done exclusively at will of people. You can't save someone who doesn't want to. Tested and proven by experience. And if the soul is the empath’s field of activity, then with body problems, consult a doctor. An empath can take away the pain and soothe, but not cure the patient.
There are no such sudden attacks of other people's emotions. The kind that Mrs. Phoebe Halliwell, one of the TV series “Charmed,” felt. An empath clearly controls his desire to “look into” someone. And he does this only when he is interested. An empath could become a strong player in life if it were not for a clear sense of good and evil. It was created for you, people. And he lives by you.
Empathy and related processes in humans and animals
More recently, in the 20th century science community believed that empathy is purely human feeling. Although examples of empathy and mutual assistance in highly developed animals were widespread, the community ignored them because they did not dare to compare people with animals.
Recently, it has been established that empathy is inherent in cats, dogs, dolphins, horses and other highly developed animals, even small rodents, but in a less pronounced form than in humans. For example, some cats, if a creature they love is offended in their presence, begin to hiss, trying to protect it. Dolphins have more than once become rescuers, accompanying shipwrecked people to shore.
Empathy and compassion
Compassion, apparently, is not social tool, but this is a biological quality of highly developed animals, responsible for the cooperation of the entire gene pool of the planet under a contract of default. In insects, for example, instead of compassion there is hierarchical subordination and biological system mutual assistance based on allocation chemical elements, as well as sound and other signals from the person in distress.
It is also known that fear for own life, or social fear, can temporarily displace empathy from the animal’s psyche. Empathy, although it is the basis for the most optimal level of relationships between various living organisms, is not dominant in the psyche.
Attraction (falling in love, falling in love) towards someone is the main criterion for the existence of empathy. Empathy does not work in relation to systems that cause pain to the body, although this rule can sometimes be changed by the influence of brain dysfunction.
The direct relationship between compassion and intelligence can be traced throughout human history, when driving force development, people became predominantly of a compassionate type, although, of course, not without exceptions. The opposite tendency is also known, that among people who gravitate towards deep knowledge, the severity of the crimes they commit is much lower - it can be theft, corruption, but very rarely violence. This pattern is based on physiology.
Empathy and conscience
Conscience (if it is not a socially imposed phenomenon, that is, fear of punishment) is a natural, natural feeling, and is a continuation of empathy for cases when a creature has already caused or is still causing harm or pain to an innocent living organism. In this case, pity is mixed with a feeling of loss, and this state, progressing, begins to influence the consciousness, and then achieves or tries to achieve the renunciation of certain tactics and strategies that cause pain to an innocent being. Conscience, like empathy, can be driven out of the animal’s mental theater under the influence of panic.
Physiological aspects
Empathy may be physiologically based on mirror neurons. These neurons were first discovered by Italian scientists Gallese, Rizzolatti and others at the University of Parma in the early 1990s. Mirror neurons are also responsible for the mental representation of other beings in the psychic theater. The blunting of the action of these neurons causes intellectual dullness, the inability to think adequately.
Psychological approaches to explaining empathy
In psychology, empathy is closely related to introjects, which were described in his works by C. G. Jung. Recently, it has become common to directly link introjective mechanisms responsible for the experiences and experiences of other beings with mirror neurons.
The mechanism and content of empathy
People are characterized not only by individual (subjective) mental processes, but also by group and social ones. When included in a group mental process a commonality of “experience” of these processes arises. For the one who is involved, such an “experience” becomes possible thanks to the presence of empathy.