How to overcome anger. How to stop anger

The topic of our article will be the emotion of anger. We will look at the stages of its manifestation, as well as methods of working with it in order to reduce its influence on your life. You must become the master of your life and emotional reactions, without allowing your emotions to control you.

How to deal with anger and how to control anger

Anger is a negative emotion that arises as a response to what a person considers unfair. According to Orthodox tradition, anger is not always condemned. Much depends on what the anger is directed against, while in Catholicism anger is clearly included in the list of mortal sins. In the Buddhist tradition, anger is understood as one of the five “poisons”, so there is no excuse for it, and only observing yourself will help you cope with it.

However, we will return to modern tradition, not religious, and let's see what anger tells us psychological science. Some psychologists believe that this emotion needs to be fought, sometimes they even teach how to suppress it correctly, but this does not make the patient feel better. Suppressing any emotions does not lead to their final elimination - rather, to repression (and not necessarily into the subconscious), but only temporary. Then the condition only gets worse. An unprocessed and unreflected emotion, as well as what causes it, manifests itself again with the same force, which can lead to serious deviations in emotional sphere and, as a result, become a threat to stability mental state person.

Therefore, in this article you will not find advice on how to control anger; We will look in more detail at the nature of emotions themselves, as well as how we perceive and experience them. A person is a subject experiencing an emotion, so it is very important for him to understand the mechanism of his reactions, to become aware of his emotion, then he will have a chance to notice it at the very moment of its inception and thereby stop its development at the very beginning.

This way of observing a feeling, and therefore oneself, is extremely useful, and it can be used by those people who are interested in the issue of mindfulness, since such observation also becomes an excellent mindfulness practice. You look at yourself from the outside - this is the key to everything. If we were asked to briefly outline the meaning of the method of working on the emotion of anger, as well as on any other unwanted emotion, the above is the quintessence of this method.

There is a deep philosophical concept behind it about the observer and the observed, but we will focus more on the practical psychological aspect the idea presented and we will try to explain how this method works and how to apply it.

Feeling of anger. Stages of Anger

The feeling of anger is very strong. However, in accordance with the map of consciousness compiled by David Hawkins, for which he chose human awareness as the basis, in terms of the power of awareness, anger is superior to desire (lust), but inferior to pride. According to this scale, where the highest level - enlightenment - is 700, anger scores 150, while pride scores 175 and desire scores 125.

Anger is born when a person feels capable of doing something. An apathetic person does not have enough energy even for such a feeling. Therefore, if you experience it periodically, then you should not get too upset about it, because it also means that your energy level is at a high enough level to achieve this feeling.

In order to leave the level of anger, move to a higher level high level- pride or even pride - and then to courage, which is the watershed between the cluster negative emotions and positive, you need to be fully aware of your feelings, as well as what causes them.

Before talking about the causes of anger, we must analyze its stages - in this way we will understand how this affect manifests itself:

• discontent;
• feeling of injustice;
• anger;
• anger;
• rage.

The extreme form of anger is rage. Anger, which develops into rage, is a destructive emotion that negatively affects others. Anger arises unnoticed. Often this is accumulated dissatisfaction that can no longer be contained, and it develops into anger, and then into anger. Dissatisfaction because something is not going the way you would like it to. In order for anger to take its classic form, a sense of injustice must also take part in this process. What causes dissatisfaction should also be regarded by the subject himself as some kind of injustice. Only then can anger be classified as real emotion anger. When he goes into his higher form, then anger becomes rage.

Anger and aggression: causes of anger and methods of working with it

Concepts such as anger and aggression must be distinguished. Aggression is an action that is supported by emotions, including anger, and anger is a pure affect, i.e. a state, but not an action. Aggression has a goal, a person consciously achieves something, while anger can manifest itself almost uncontrollably: a person is not aware of it. This happens quite often.

Now that we know the difference between anger and aggression, we need to understand the causes of anger.

An angry reaction to a situation or a person’s behavior can be either instantaneous, unprepared (an explosion of anger), or an accumulated release of negative energy. If a person has endured for a long time, put up with something unpleasant, then someday the tension must find a way out, and often it is expressed in the form of the emotion of anger.

This type of anger is much easier to monitor and prevent than the kind that arises spontaneously. Spontaneous anger is difficult to control or prevent. In this case, the person is required to high degree internal awareness, when, under almost any circumstances, he is able to look at what is happening detachedly, that is, not react, but consciously observe both himself and the situation.

This is very effective recommendation. The one who was able to achieve so much high level control over their emotions, they are unlikely to be interested in any other methods of working on their psychological state. The man really learned to control himself. For people who are still at the stage of learning to observe their emotions, we should advise them to do the following:

• Before a negative emotion arises, try to pay attention to your own thoughts and feelings as often as possible during the day, because this way you record them and become more aware.
• When you feel that you are accumulating rejection of something, then write down on paper everything that you feel - this again helps to look at emotions from the outside.
• If the moment of the origin of an emotion is missed, then you need to try to “catch” yourself already during its manifestation. Of course, this is much more difficult to do, but if one day you succeed, you can congratulate yourself, because you were able to become aware of your feelings directly at the time of their manifestation, and this is a big victory.

A few more words about anger: connection with the Muladhara chakra

If we discussed above psychological reasons appearance of the emotion of anger, then in this part of the article I would like to look at anger from the point of view of the yogic tradition, where one or another chakra corresponds to certain psychophysical states.

A chakra is an energy center through which energy is exchanged between a person and the outside world. Each chakra has its own spectrum of action. Muladhara chakra is the root energy center, so it is responsible for basic emotions, including negative ones - phobias, anxiety, sadness and depression and, of course, anger. Usually such emotions appear when the chakra is imbalanced. If Muladhara works harmoniously, then this is expressed in general peace person, a state of stability and concentration.

It turns out that instead of controlling anger by developing awareness, you can do something almost the opposite - pay attention to the harmonization of the chakras through ancient practices and special exercises. This will not be slow to manifest itself by increasing the level of self-awareness - then you will be able to control yourself at the mental level and prevent the very generation of negative emotions.

Also great support in terms of working on emotional state brings the practice of meditation and pranayama. Both practices go hand in hand, so you cannot do one and lose sight of the other. For those who have never meditated before, we can recommend taking a course in Vipasana, because usually moments of silence allow you to establish a connection with your inner Self and become the first step towards awareness.

You can also start doing Hatha Yoga. The yoga system is built in such a way that when performing this or that asana, you work not only with physical body, but you are also engaged in the same balancing of the chakra system, and this, in turn, means work on normalization psychological state. Typically, yoga practitioners notice a rush physical energy and at the same time a state of calm on emotional level. This means not only that yoga is practiced in in the right key, but also that its effect has an extremely beneficial effect on the state of the etheric (emotional) body.

Instead of a conclusion

“Conquer yourself - and you will not need to defeat others.” This Chinese proverb one could paraphrase and say: “Become aware of yourself - and you will have nothing to defeat others for.” The man who conquered anger and many others negative emotions, becomes much more advanced spiritually and much stronger psychologically. Therefore, he will not even want to defeat others, because self-knowledge will bring with it the realization that essentially there is no one to fight with, and therefore, there is no one to defeat, because the most great adversary the one you have is yourself.

How to deal with anger? What to do with outbursts of aggression and irritation? How to learn to control your emotions? How many times in our lives have we asked ourselves this question... “I feel rage throughout my body, I need to learn how to deal with this anger and anger, but I don’t know how.” “I physically feel like I’m certain situations everything seems to explode inside me.”This is what people say when they are asked what exactly is going on in their head (or body) during an attack of anger. In this article, psychologist Mairena Vazquez will give you 11 practical advice every day about how to deal with your anger.

How to deal with anger. Tips for every day

We have all experienced anger in our lives as a result of something situations out of control, personal problems that upset us due to fatigue, uncertainty, envy, unpleasant memories, because of situations that we cannot accept, and even because of some people whose behavior we do not like or irritate... Sometimes failures and collapse life plans can also cause frustration, anger and aggression. What is anger?

Anger - this is negative emotional reaction of a violent nature (emotion), which can be accompanied by both biological and psychological changes. The intensity of anger varies from a feeling of dissatisfaction to rage or rage.

When we experience anger, the cardiovascular system suffers and increases arterial pressure, sweating, heart rate and breathing quicken, muscles tense, we blush, experience problems with sleep and digestion, we cannot think and reason rationally...

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At the physiological level anger is associated with a number of chemical reactions that occur in our brain. To summarize:

When something makes us angry or irritates us, amygdala(the part of the brain responsible for processing and storing emotions) turns to (which is also responsible for our mood) for help. At this moment it begins to release adrenalin to prepare our body for a possible threat. Therefore, when we are irritated or angry, our heart rate increases and our senses become heightened.

All emotions are necessary, useful and play a certain role in our lives. Yes, anger is necessary and useful because it helps us respond to any situation that we perceive as a threat, and also gives us the ability to resist any circumstance that disrupts our plans. It gives the necessary courage and energy and reduces the feeling of fear, which allows us to better cope with troubles and injustice.

Very often anger hides behind other emotions (sadness, pain, fear...) and manifests itself as a kind of defense mechanism . Anger is very strong emotion, which becomes a problem when we are unable to control it. Uncontrolled anger can destroy a person or even his environment, preventing him from thinking rationally and encouraging aggressive and violent behavior. Excessive anger can cause damage both physically and mental health, put a cross on social connections person and, in general, significantly reduce the quality of his life.

Types of Anger

Anger can manifest itself in three different ways:

1. ANGER AS A TOOL: sometimes when we cannot achieve a goal, we use violence as “ easy way” achieve what you want. In other words, we use rage and violence as a tool to achieve our goals. Anger as a tool is usually used by people with weak self-control and low communication skills. However, we must remember that there are other methods of persuasion.
2. ANGER AS DEFENSE: We experience anger in situations where we intuitively interpret other people's comments or behavior as an attack, insult, or complaint against us. We become offended (often for no apparent reason) and feel an uncontrollable urge to attack. How? Through anger, which is big mistake. IN difficult situations It's better to stay calm.
3. EXPLOSION OF ANGER: if we endure for a long time some situations that we consider unfair, we suppress our emotions, trying to restrain ourselves further, we find ourselves in a dangerous vicious circle, from which we get out only when we can no longer endure it. IN in this case the same one is enough last straw” to “ overflow the cup .” In other words, in a situation where we have been patient for too long, even the smallest event can trigger an outburst of anger. Our patience “bursts”, forcing us to anger and violence, we boil... like a kettle.

People who experience anger frequently tend to have specific personal qualities , such as: (they cannot understand that their desires cannot always be satisfied at their first request, this is very self-centered people), due to which they lack self-confidence and do not control their emotions, lack of empathy(they cannot put themselves in the shoes of another person) and high (they do not think before they act), etc.

The way children are raised also influences how they manage their anger as adults. It is very important from the very beginning early age Teach children to express their emotions so that they learn to cope with them as best as possible. In addition, teach children not to react aggressively to certain situations, and prevent the child from developing “emperor syndrome.” It also matters family environment: It has been noted that people who have poorer anger control come from troubled families that lack emotional intimacy. .

How to control anger. Anger is an emotional reaction that can be accompanied by biological and psychological changes

How to get rid of anger and learn to control it? How to overcome irritation and attacks of aggression? The natural intuitive reaction to anger and anger is some kind of aggressive violent action - we can start screaming, break something or throw something... However, this is NOT The best decision. Read on! 11 tips to calm your anger.

1. Be aware of the situation or circumstances that may trigger your anger.

You may experience feelings of anger or rage at some point extreme situation, however, it is important to learn how to manage it. To learn how to manage anger, you need to understand in general what problems/situations irritate you the most, how you can avoid them (i.e. these very specific circumstances), how to do it the best way, etc. In other words, learn to work with your own reactions.

Carefully! When I talk about avoiding situations and people, I mean very specific examples. We cannot spend our entire lives avoiding absolutely all people and situations that make us feel uncomfortable. If we completely avoid such moments, we will not be able to resist them.

How to deal with anger: It is vital to understand that violence and aggression will get you nowhere, in fact, it can make the situation worse and even make you feel worse. Please pay Special attention to your reactions (you begin to feel anxious, your heart feels like it’s about to jump out of your chest and you are unable to control your breathing) in order to take action in time.

2. Be careful with your words when you are angry. Cross out the words “never” and “always” from your speech.

When we are angry, we may say things that would not even occur to us in the first place. in good condition. Once you calm down, you won't feel the same way, so be careful what you say. Each of us is the master of our silence and the slave of our words.

How to deal with anger: you need to learn to reflect on the situation, look at it as objectively as possible. Try not to use these two words: "never" And "Always". When you become angry and start thinking, “I always get angry when this happens,” or “I never succeed,” you are making a mistake. Try by all means to be objective and look at things optimistically. Life is a mirror that reflects our thoughts. If you look at life with a smile, it will smile back at you.

3. When you feel like you're on edge, take a deep breath.

We all need to be aware of our limits. Nobody knows you better than yourself. Obviously, every day we can encounter situations, people, events that can throw us off track...

How to deal with anger: when you feel like you can’t take it anymore, that you’re on the edge, take a deep breath. Try to distance yourself from the situation. For example, if you are at work, go to the toilet, if at home, take a relaxing shower to calm your thoughts... Take the so-called "time-out". This really helps in stressful moments. If you can get out of town, allow yourself to do so, escape from the daily routine and try not to think about what makes you angry. Find a way to calm down. A great option is going out into nature. You will see how nature and Fresh air affect your brain.

The most important thing is to distract yourself, abstract yourself from the situation until it calms down, in order to avoid aggressive reactions and not do something that you may later regret. If you feel like crying, cry. Crying pacifies anger and sadness. You'll understand why crying can be good for your mental health.

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Neuropsychological

4. Do you know what cognitive restructuring is?

The method is widely used in psychology cognitive restructuring. It's about replacing our inappropriate thoughts (such as our interpretations of other people's intentions) with more useful ones. In other words, you need replace with a positive one. This way we can quickly eliminate the discomfort caused by different situations or circumstances, and the anger will quickly pass.

Example: you need to meet with a work colleague whom you don’t really like. You waited a whole hour until he finally appeared. Since this person is unpleasant to you, you begin to think about how irresponsible he is, and that he was late on purpose to “annoy” you, and you notice that you are filled with anger.

How to deal with anger: you need to learn not to think that others are doing things to harm you. Give them a chance, put yourself in their shoes. If you allow the person to explain himself, you will understand that the reason for his lateness was valid (in this case). specific example). Try to act intelligently and objectively.

5. Learn relaxation and breathing techniques to better manage your anger.

It is important to once again remind you how important breathing is in moments of tension, anxiety, anger...

How to deal with anger: correct breathing will help relieve stress and put your thoughts in order. Close your eyes, slowly count to 10, and don't open them until you feel yourself starting to calm down. Breathe deeply and slowly, try to clear your mind, free it of negative thoughts... little by little. The most common breathing techniques are abdominal breathing and progressive muscle relaxation according to Jacobson.

If you still find it difficult to relax, imagine some pleasant, calm picture, landscape in your mind, or listen to music that relaxes you. How to stay calm?

Besides, try to get enough sleep at night (at least 7-8 hours), since rest and sleep contribute to better control of emotions, improve our mood and reduce irritability.

6. Social skills will help you deal with anger. You control your anger, not the other way around.

The daily situations we encounter require us to be able to behave appropriately with other people. It is important to be able not only to listen to others, but also to be able to carry on a conversation, to thank if they helped us, to help ourselves and to give others the opportunity to give us help and support when we need it, to be able to respond correctly to criticism, no matter how unpleasant it may be...

How to deal with anger: To manage anger and better control it, it is important to be able to correctly interpret the information around us, to be able to listen to other people, to act under different circumstances, to accept criticism and not to let frustration take over us. In addition, you need to be careful with unjustified accusations against others. Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

7. How to control anger if it is caused by another person

Often our anger is provoked not by events, but by people. Avoid toxic people!

In this case, it is recommended to move away from such a person until you cool down if you feel that the situation is heating up. Remember that when you harm others, you first of all harm yourself, and this is exactly what you need to avoid.

How to deal with anger: express your dissatisfaction quietly and calmly. The most convincing is not the one who screams loudest, but the one who is able to express his feelings adequately, calmly and reasonably, identifying problems and possible ways their decisions. It is very important to behave like an adult and be able to listen to the other person’s opinion and even find a compromise (whenever possible).

8. Exercise will help you “reset” negative energy and get rid of bad thoughts.

When we move or do something physical activity, thereby releasing endorphins that help calm us down. This is another way to manage anger.

How to control anger: Move, do any exercise... Go up and down the stairs, clean the house, go outside for a run, take a bike and ride around the city... anything that can somehow increase adrenaline.

There are people who, in a fit of anger, begin to rush and hit whatever they can get their hands on. If you feel an overwhelming urge to hit something to quickly release energy, try purchasing a punching bag or something similar.

9. A good way to “let go of your thoughts” is writing.

It would seem that, How can it help if you start writing things down? Especially if you just had a serious fight with your loved one?

How to deal with anger: at the moment of anger, our thoughts are chaotic, and we are not able to concentrate on the situation that irritates us. Perhaps keeping a diary will help you figure out what angers you the most, how exactly you feel it, in what situations you are most vulnerable, how you should and should not act in response, how you felt after... As time passes, you will be able compare your experiences and memories to understand what all these events have in common.

Example: “I can’t do this anymore. I just had a fight with my boyfriend because I can't stand it when he calls me rude. Now I feel very bad because I yelled at him and slammed the door and left the room. I am ashamed of my behavior.” In this specific case the girl, after reading her entry, will understand that she reacts incorrectly every time she is called “ill-mannered”, and will eventually learn not to respond with anger and violence, because she later regrets her behavior, she is ashamed.

You can even give yourself some encouragement or advice that may be helpful and reassuring. For example: “If I take a deep breath and count to 10, I will calm down and look at the situation is different”, “I know that I can control myself”, “I am strong, I value myself highly and will not do anything that I will regret later.”

You can also burn off your energy by drawing, solving puzzles and crosswords, etc.

10. Laugh!

What better way to relieve stress and lift your spirits than with a good dose of laughter? It's true that when we're angry, the last thing we want to do is laugh. At this moment we think that the whole world and all the people in it are against us (which is far from reality).

How to deal with anger: although it’s not easy, problems still look different if you approach them humorous, positive. Therefore, laugh as much as possible and at absolutely everything that comes to mind! Once you calm down, look at the situation from the other side. Imagine the person you were angry with in some funny or amusing situation, remember when you last time laughed together. This will make it much easier for you to deal with anger. Don't forget, laughter is very useful. Laugh at life!

11. If you think you have serious anger management problems, see a professional.

If you replace other emotions with anger, if you notice that anger ruins your life, that you get irritated by even the most insignificant things, if you cannot stop screaming or the urge to hit something when you are angry, if you are unable to control yourself in your hands and no longer know what to do, how to act in certain situations, with people, etc. … O seek help from a specialist.

How to cope with anger: a psychologist specializing in this problem will study the problem from the very beginning and will determine how best to help you. He or she may suggest that you learn to control your anger through behaviors (such as social skills training) and techniques (such as relaxation techniques) so that you can cope with situations that irritate you. You can even take classes group therapy, where you will meet people experiencing the same difficulties. This can be very helpful as you will find understanding and support among similar people.

To summarize, I would like to note that we need to learn to control our emotions, especially anger. Remember that anger, in whatever form it is expressed, physical or verbal, can never be an excuse for bad behavior towards others.

You already know that it is not the one who shouts the loudest who is brave, and the one who is silent is not the one who is cowardly and cowardly. Unreasonable words or stupid insults should not be listened to. Always remember that by harming others, you harm, first of all, yourself.

Translation by Anna Inozemtseva

Psicóloga especializada en psicología clínica infanto-juvenil. En continua formación para ser psicóloga sanitaria y neuropsicóloga clínica. Apasionada de la neurociencia e investigación del cerebro humano. Miembro activo de diferentes asociaciones e interesada en labores humanitarias y emergencias. A Mairena le encanta escribir artículos que puedan ayudar o inspirar.
“Magia es creer en ti mismo.”

Anger can cause a person to become angry in front of others, yelling, screaming, hitting, or insulting others. This type of destructive outburst is one of the most powerful in its intensity. It harms you and those around you, physically, emotionally and public relations. If you have difficulty controlling outbursts of anger, then you need to learn to control yourself in difficult situations. This will be the best way to achieve a more peaceful life.

Steps

Part 1

Taking immediate action to control temper tantrums

Pay attention to physical signs. When your body is under stress, you are likely to experience certain physical symptoms. These include:

• The jaws are clenched tightly and the muscles are tense.
• Headache or stomach pain.
• Increased heart rate.
• You sweat (even your palms will start to sweat).
• The face turns red.
• The body or hands are shaking.
• You feel dizzy.

1. Pay attention to emotional cues. Anger is often accompanied by other emotions. Eventually, the amygdala, your emotional center, begins to send signals to deal with the threat and ensure your continued vitality. It's not surprising that you may experience a flood of other interrelated emotions. These emotions can serve as alarm signals for the fight and flight signal. In addition to anger, the following emotions may be present:

   • Irritation
   • Sadness
   • Depression
   • Guilt
   • Indignation
   • Anxiety
   • Defensive reaction

2. Count to ten. If you feel yourself getting angry and experiencing the signs of anger listed above, you can tell yourself that you don't have to react right now. Mental arithmetic can help you blow off steam at this point. It may seem a little silly at first, but counting really helps to distract yourself long enough. for a long time to have time to calm down. Refrain from reacting and give yourself time to sort out your feelings.

   Try to breathe deeply. Try to be alone for a while. If you can, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, stairwell, or outside for a while, this will help you feel more comfortable to breathe deeply and calm down.

   • Breathe for a count of four, inhale slowly, hold your breath for a count of four, and exhale for the next count of one to four.
   • Make sure to breathe from your diaphragm and not from your chest. When you breathe from your diaphragm, your belly expands (which you can feel by placing your hand on it).
   • Do this as many times as necessary until you feel yourself beginning to calm down.

3. Repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself. Try saying to yourself something like: “Calm down” or “Relax” or “Don’t be upset.” Repeat this phrase over and over again until you feel your anger begin to dissipate.

   Change your surroundings. If you feel your blood boiling, leave. Breathe deeply. If you can walk away from the situation, do so. Without having an object in front of your eyes that makes you angry, you will calm down much faster.

   Try progressive muscle relaxation. Progressive muscle relaxation is the process of sequentially tensing and relaxing the entire body. It is believed that by tensing your muscles, you can release pent-up tension in your body. Here is an overview of this method:

   • Breathe for a count of one to four, hold your breath for a count of four, and exhale for the next count of four. Breathe deeply.
   • Start with the muscles of the face and head. Tighten all the muscles in your face, head, mouth and neck that you can for 20 seconds, then relax.
   • Then work your way down your body, tensing and relaxing your shoulders, forearms, back (unless you have back problems), arms, stomach, legs, feet, and toes.
   • Now rock back on your toes, feeling relaxed from your head to your toes.
   • Take a few deep breaths and enjoy the feeling of relaxation.

4. Find something funny to distract yourself. If you can make yourself laugh, you can change chemical reaction in your body. You can use your mind and imagination to imagine all sorts of ridiculous situations that can make you laugh, especially if they are not petty or sarcastic in nature.

   • For example, let's imagine that you are in a situation where your boss is angry with you for something. Instead of fuming while sitting at your desk, you can dispel your anger by imagining that your boss has the head of a fish and is yelling at you with his fish mouth open. However, it is important not to laugh or smirk if you are still talking to your manager. This may make the situation worse.
   • You can even use this method if you have lost your temper. Using something that can make you laugh can help you calm down in that moment. You can then more effectively use other techniques, such as problem solving, to come up with a solution to the situation you are faced with.

5. Practice. Physical exercise can help dispel your anger. Research shows that exercise helps regulate feelings and control emotions in both children and adults. Try exercising when you feel angry or exercise every day to get rid of aggression.

6. Reset your emotions with a good night's sleep. Strong night sleep helps people regulate their emotions. Emotions become difficult to control when we don't get enough sleep. One study found that just a few nights of disrupted sleep in teenage girls increased their levels of negative emotions, as well as their anger.

   • If you have persistent problems sleeping, then you need to see a doctor.

7. Try meditation. Meditation has been proven to be effective for emotional regulation. It has long-term effects on the amygdala, the emotional center and the part of the brain where a response occurs after a stressful or dangerous situation. Start with deep breathing. You can also combine breathing and mental visualization. Try this visualization exercise:

   • As you inhale, imagine a golden-white light that relaxes you and makes you feel happy. Imagine that this light penetrates your lungs and passes through your entire body. When you exhale, you exhale dirt, dark colors, symbolizing your anger, stress.
   • If you feel like you're having trouble meditating, don't worry. Meditation is a combination of exercises deep breathing, visualization and execution psychological tasks. But if you feel that it is difficult for you to sit in one place for a long time, or you feel uncomfortable during meditation, you can simply start breathing deeply. This will also create a calming response in your body.

8. Don't be upset if you have more angry outbursts. When people try something new, it doesn't always work out perfectly. This may be true when you are learning new ways to deal with anger. The best way coping with relapses that result in angry outbursts or passive-aggressive reactions is to learn what didn't work. When you are able to see what didn't work, you can reconfigure for next time the actions you typically take to deal with a particular type of anger.

   • The most important thing is perseverance! Celebrate your small achievements, as each one will be a step towards achieving your larger goal, which is fighting anger.

Part 4

Expressing your anger in a more favorable way

1. Focus on communicating confidently. Confident communication emphasizes that both participants in the conversation have important needs. To communicate confidently, you should present facts in a conversation without accusations.

   • For example, you might say, “I was angry and upset because I felt like you underestimated the importance of my project when you made fun of my presentation. I have no idea how things really are, but it seems to me that you are simply not paying attention or not taking my work seriously. I just don't understand what's going on. Maybe we can talk about this?”

2. Be respectful. Using words like “thank you” and “please” is not only polite, it also shows that you respect others. Your phrases should express requests, not demands. To be respected, you must respect others. Then you can develop cooperation and mutual respect. This is the opposite of what happens when you experience anger, in which aggressive, passive, or aggressive-passive communication creates discord between you and those around you.

   • You can start your message by saying, “When you have time, would you…” or “That would be a great help from you... Thank you, I appreciate it!”

3. Be clear. If you mumble and beat around the bush, or do not express yourself specifically, then any interlocutor will get angry. Instead, go directly to the person you need to solve your problem. Explain clearly how you see desired result. Don't forget to express this as a request.

   • For example, if your colleague is talking very loudly on the phone and it is making it difficult for you to work, you can ask the following: “I have a favor to ask of you. Could you please speak more quietly on the phone? This greatly distracts from work. I would be very grateful. Thank you".
   • If instead you told everyone in the room, “It's very difficult to work with so much noise in the office,” then that's very vague. Moreover, it will most likely ruin your relationships with your colleagues and will not solve your problem.

4. You also need to convey your feelings accurately. When you think about how you feel, express real sensations, such as pain, and make healthy statements based on that.

   • Here's an example of a lack of confidence in expressing yourself: “I think you lack tact.” This is a judgment about another person (which is not very nice).
   • Instead, stick to what applies to you: “You don’t seem to care about my feelings when you read the newspaper instead of listening to what I’m trying to say.”

5. Strive to solve the problem. Once you understand what triggers your anger, you can temper it and address the thoughts that trigger it. You can then shift your focus to solving the problem. When solving a problem, you do everything in your power to cope with the problem, identifying your feelings depending on the situation, and expressing them in the most effective way.

   • For example, you may feel angry because your child has bad grades on his report card. To avoid an outburst of anger directed at your child, you should try to resolve the issue. This will help you get through this situation.
   • Work through your emotions by taking a few minutes to yourself and breathing deeply. Once your head is a little clearer, you can start thinking about a solution to the problem. You can develop a strategy for talking to your child about their grades, emphasizing that you love them and are there to support them. You may also want to consider options such as finding a tutor for your child or enrolling your child in a learning skills course.
   • You may sometimes have to accept that the solution to a problem will not always be at hand. This is normal, because nothing in life is given to us on a silver platter. Everything in life is much more chaotic. You can't control life, but you can control your attitude towards it.

• Your therapist will likely use relaxation techniques to help you calm down in the middle of a temper tantrum. It can also help you deal with thoughts that may trigger anger and find new ways of looking at situations. The therapist will also help you gain skills to cope with emotions and learn to communicate confidently and assertively.
• You can see a therapist who specializes in solving existing problems, based on the past, for example, overcoming experiences from an abusive or neglectful relationship in childhood, or a tragedy. This can be very helpful in dealing with anger related to past events.
• For example, in the USA you can find a psychotherapist in your area using the database American Association psychologists and psychotherapists.

Ask your doctor to prescribe treatment for you. Often anger is part of various disorders such as bipolar disorder, depression or anxiety. Medication treatment for anger will depend on the conditions in which your anger occurs. Medications for treating disorders can also help cope with anger.

• For example, if anger comes from depression, then it can be treated along with other symptoms with antidepressants. If irritability is part of a generalized anxiety disorder, it can be treated, as well as the disorder itself, with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as Lexapro or Prozac. At the same time, these drugs can cure your irritability.
• Every drug has side effects. For example, lithium salt is used to treat bipolar disorder. She has a very high risk kidney complications. Awareness of possible side effects will help you control complications. It is important to discuss this openly with your doctor.
• If you suffer from any addiction, be sure to talk to your doctor. You definitely don't want to while fighting alcohol addiction add another addiction to the list. For optimal drug treatment anger and other possible symptoms you may have, you should discuss this frankly with your doctor.

Anger arises from violated expectations. To cope with it, you need to deal not with the feeling itself, but with the reasons that caused it. How to deal with anger? I propose a method of 5 simple steps.

Imagine the situation: two drivers are stuck in a traffic jam, each in their own car. Another car passes by on the side of the road, bypassing the line, and then tries to get into the very beginning, right in front of our heroes. The reactions of the drivers are different: the first one got very angry, swore loudly at the window and did not allow him to get through. A skirmish ensued. The other driver shrugged and turned away. Why did it happen? Why did there be completely different reactions to the same situation?

The answer is really simple: each driver assessed the situation differently. If we assume what exactly they thought, then most likely the first driver thought something like “What an impudent fellow! Why should I stand, but he shouldn’t? He must stand and wait, like everyone else! It's not fair! Now I’ll show him how to behave!” The other driver probably thought something like “Let him climb, I don’t care.”

At the root of anger, anger, rage and irritation are expectations. We expect other drivers to behave fairly and according to the rules. We expect that management will be fair to us. We require ourselves to exercise twice a week. When this does not happen, drivers do not drive according to the rules, bosses criticize unfairly, we Once again didn’t go to the gym - we get angry, annoyed and angry. We can say that we have certain rules regarding “duty”: someone must do something. When such a rule is violated, we become angry to one degree or another. The more important this rule was for us, the more it is connected with something individually valuable, the stronger the attack of anger can be. The easiest way to notice such “shoulds” in relation to other people is: “He has no right to do this!” or “Children must behave normally!”

Attitude to anger and its causes

It is worth noting that people have different attitudes towards anger and its manifestation. Attitudes are influenced by:

• upbringing;
• the cultural environment where the person grew up;
• life experience;
• after all, books read in childhood and much more.

For example, we may learn that feeling anger is bad and wrong and should be suppressed. If we imagine anger as a tightly closed kettle of boiling water, then it is easy to understand how it is that at some point the anger erupts in the form of intense, exciting, strong feelings. After all, when the kettle sits on the stove and heats up, heats up, heats up, the water slowly boils, but there is still little steam, and it still accumulates inside. The water continues to heat up and eventually boils. There is a lot of steam, he is looking for a way out - and will definitely find it. If you close it very tightly, the steam can break the lid and even explode the entire kettle. It's the same with anger. If you don't let him go out, sooner or later he will explode the kettle. From the outside, for other people it will look like an unexpected, violent outburst of emotions “out of nowhere.”

It happens that people are convinced that it is possible to be angry if your feelings are justifiably hurt - in addition, it is permissible to punish the offender if you are able to do so. Such beliefs, combined with the emotion boiling inside, push to destructive behavior- aggression. Aggression means not only physical attack, but also verbal attack: swearing, calling names, raising your voice. There are also hidden types of aggression, for example, deliberate passivity or sarcastic comments.

Anger, like any other emotion, positive or negative, is not good or bad. It simply arises in response to how we assess the situation. Anger problems occur when anger occurs too often, too intensely, and disrupts daily life and relationships. We boil water in a saucepan or kettle several times a day, letting the steam escape and controlling the heat, and this is an absolutely normal situation. But if the kettle boiled unexpectedly, on its own, so much so that it immediately exploded, that would be a problem. Or if a boiling kettle attacked those present, trying to pour boiling water over everyone.

If you notice regular or intense outbursts of anger and want to deal with them, then the following exercise is likely to be useful to you. Please note that you may not be able to do it during the actual attack of anger, because the strong emotion blocks thinking. You need to choose a time when you are more or less calm, no one will distract you. In the next critical situation you will remember the most important thing from this exercise. Especially if you practice several times. Such exercises are like playing the guitar: if you just think about playing the guitar, you will never learn how to do it. To play, you need to actually pick up the instrument and start plucking the strings.

Step One: Realize You Have a Choice

Anger encourages aggression. We don't always control the emotion, but what we do with it is what we control. Think about what the consequences of aggression will be? Do you really want these consequences? Are they leading you in the right direction? Will your relationship with the person make you better? If not aggression, then how can we behave differently in order to protect our interests?

Step two: find the rule

Find a “should” rule that has been violated. Words like “must, must, need, must, should” will help you discover it. What exactly went wrong? Who doesn't behave the way you think they should? What do you demand - from yourself, from another person, from the world? Let's call what we discovered “hot thoughts.”

Step Three: Cool Your Mind

Respond to the hot anger-triggered thoughts you identified in the previous step in a more measured, healthy, cool manner. For example:

• Hot thought: How is he Dare you say that to me! He Not has the right to contact me!
• More thoughtful thought: Perhaps he thinks it will be better this way. Maybe he he makes a mistake also a person, but Not robot.

Step Four: Prevent Aggression

Think about what exactly turns thoughts into aggressive behavior. Look for explanations that allow or justify your aggression. For example: “He deserved it” or “Otherwise she will never understand” or “I don’t care anymore, I’m furious.” Such thoughts are like scammers who trick us into doing something that we may later regret. They do not act in our interests, on the contrary, they push us to throw away moral principles- and make a show of threats, accusations, shouting or even physical attacks. Remind yourself what your retribution will be if you go along with these scammers. Is this what you really want?

Step Five: Calm the Body

Learn to calm your physiology. Anger makes our heart beat, our muscles tense, our blood pressure rises, our breathing quickens. This is an ancient automatic mechanism that helps prepare the body for fight or flight. To calm down, you need to give the opposite “command”: deliberately relax muscle groups that are tense, or slow down your breathing. In a few minutes everything will gradually pass.

If you look at the emotion of anger with different sides, then it is obvious that there are many disadvantages: uncontrollable anger can cause serious strife, depressed people can cause illness. Of course, we cannot prevent ourselves from feeling, because it is part of our nature. However, there are several ways to cope with this emotion and channel the energy into: peaceful course everything is just like that.

When a person is angry, then, in essence, he experiences aggression towards someone or something, wanting to eliminate the object of his hatred as soon as possible. At the same time, a small storm also occurs in the body: adrenaline is released, blood pressure and heart rate increase - in general, everything that usually accompanies severe stress when the body is preparing to fight or run in order to save its life.

What are we angry about?

Usually anger and anger arise where we assume that the usual, correct or fair, in our opinion, state of affairs has been violated. We can feel aggression towards someone who encroached on our values ​​or behaved unfairly - when reality turns out to be far from our ideas about it. There is another important side of anger - the so-called internal reasons. For example, we can become angry when we defend ourselves from feelings of guilt or try to justify ourselves, we take offense at ourselves, and look at what is happening through the prism of our complexes.

The moment when anger arises is quite difficult to grasp - as a rule, it happens almost unconsciously and we track the emotions of anger even when we are completely overwhelmed by them. We offer you several simple ways that will help curb anger and anger.

1. Add a little awareness

If you observe yourself, you will soon see that strong irritation arises in very similar situations and circumstances. And with this information, you can already find your own antidote to anger and face these situations with greater readiness.

Another way is to look at your anger a little from the outside and try to understand in response to what it arises. Very often we get angry and beat ourselves up over trifles, and the very next day we cannot remember what we reacted so violently to. Whereas we have already lost a huge amount of strength and feel exhausted. At the moment when irritation begins to overwhelm you, try to imagine the situation from the position of an ordinary fly sitting on the wall and watching what is happening.

In the world of a fly, everything that is so significant to you has no special meaning - it just looks at everything a little from the outside.

This simple mental exercise will help your brain switch from negative emotions to more positive ones. sober assessment situations - then you can ask yourself the question: “Is it really worth worrying so much at the moment?”

3. Visualize your emotions

A great help in working on anger is using the capabilities of our thinking. For example, you can imagine your emotions of anger in the form of some kind of three-dimensional image and then simply release this image somewhere far into space or turn it into something small and harmless.

4. Count to 100

Another classic method overcoming anger - at the moment of its appearance, wait a little before attacking the cause of aggression and simply count to 100, while trying to even out your breathing and count with each exhalation.

5. Channel your energy in a different direction.

At a moment of intense anger, our body begins to sharply accumulate energy, preparing for action, and this feature can also be taken into account. They got angry and squatted, did bends, moved around, and transferred this energy into simple physical action. And the muscles were toned, and they didn’t even notice how they calmed down.

6. Cool down your anger

At a moment of intense anger, the body temperature rises and the palms become hot. This feature can also be included in your arsenal in the fight against anger: if you put your hands under cold water or cool in any other way, then the emotions subside, because sensations have appeared in the body that mark the coming calm.

In a fight with many destructive emotions, including with anger, it is very useful to master the skills simple relaxation.

7. Give yourself free rein, but without witnesses

When you realize that you are completely poisoned by your anger and you painfully want to shout loudly to the offender everything that you think about him, then, if there is such an opportunity, retire to a room far from everyone (or maybe in a field or forest) - and Scream there from the heart as much as you want, release all the tension and anger that has accumulated inside.

8. Don't store anger inside yourself

Irritability has another one physiological reason- fatigue and accumulated stress. This especially often affects people who were so well brought up that they learned to suppress their emotions and feelings, considering them indecent and forbidden. Everyday difficulties constant pressure They gather inside for a long time, until at some point the resources of patience run out, and we begin to lash out at everyone and everything. This another story, and she has her own solutions depending on what causes this unhealthy accumulation of stress.

In the fight against many destructive emotions, including anger, it is very useful to master the skills of simple relaxation. Everyone has their own way to relax and unwind, to achieve relaxation: you can use breathing techniques, meditate, play sports, listen to music. One thing is true: by regularly paying attention to getting a good rest (and by rest we mean recovery and relaxation, and not the use of various stimulants like alcohol), you will strengthen your health. nervous system, which means you can better control your anger, and in general treat everything that happens more calmly.

When working on any negative experiences It is worth remembering that their reasons lie in our way of looking at the world: in beliefs, ideals, fears. By changing your character, slightly revising your views, one day you may discover that things that previously irritated you are no longer so painful and unpleasant.