Khasminsky Mikhail articles. Is the world unfair? But maybe it's just humility

Families are broken by selfishness

Crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky

-Mikhail Igorevich, why do you think so many families are breaking up today?

– Why are poorly constructed buildings, structures, houses destroyed? Because they were poorly built. Let's ask ourselves: what does it take to build a good, reliable house? That's right, desires and fantasies about how wonderful he will be are not enough. You must first draw a sketch, then a project that will include all the calculations, calculate the quality and quantity of materials, and the strength of structures. Then we will begin to make a solid foundation, connect communications, erect load-bearing structures, etc. At the very last resort We will arrange the furniture comfortably and create comfortable conditions for ourselves.

What happens when you create modern families? Two people met, liked each other, dreamed and decided to create a good and beautiful house. They didn’t make any calculations or sketches; there is no foundation, but only the desire to live beautifully. Moreover, the builders are intoxicated with feelings. Have you seen drunk construction workers? Don't be surprised if they end up building a terrible house. At the same time, they may even buy beautiful furnishings in accordance with their fantasies. But the house does not stand on a foundation. And in the end, of course, he falls...

The family has its own laws. Even carpenters who make wooden stools have their own rules. And the laws of creating a family are much more complicated...

Look: we are surrounded by surrogates. We eat sausage that doesn't have a drop of meat in it, we watch a movie that doesn't have a drop of meaning, we listen to music that doesn't have a drop of harmony. And then we are surprised that we also have these feelings. We no longer know what they should be!

At the same time, we think that true love itself should fall from the sky. No, It is Immpossible. The true is dear. In order to have it, you need to put in a huge amount of effort. And we are much more concerned with SEEMING to be something rather than BEING something. We are all like sausage, which contains all sorts of substitutes, enhancers, oxidizing agents, dyes, but no meat. But this sausage has excellent outer packaging.

– How to distinguish true feelings from false ones?

– True feelings bring true joy. And not like drug addicts - joy only when you take a drug, and then withdrawal. And then he accepted it again - and again “joy”.

True love is sacrifice. A mother saves a child and sacrifices her life, a soldier goes to his death to save his Motherland, Christ is crucified for the sake of all people! Look, this is real Love. Here it is - a voluntary sacrifice for the sake of another! Sacrifice is synonymous with love.

If I sacrifice my time, strength, desires, opportunities for the sake of another, without demanding anything in return, not under pressure, without any interest of my own, then I love. I just want to do everything I can for this person. This is love! And if he also treats me the same way, then this is mutual Love! And this love is merciful and does not seek its own (according to the Gospel) (see 1 Cor. 13:5).

Everything else is a surrogate, an external appearance of love, but in terms of internal content it is ordinary passion. All these oohs and sighs, exaltation, dependence - this is not Love. This is anti-love and passion.

Many will say that true Love cannot be achieved in our time, that it is an ideal, pipe dream. This is wrong. True love can be cultivated in yourself, you can meet it, you can grow into it. But for this we need to kill the egoism in ourselves, which makes us blind, because egoists see only themselves.

– It’s not easy for many people to admit their own selfishness. Some consider themselves good, others do not have the correct idea of ​​what it is. Is it possible to understand the “stage of the disease”?

– There is plenty of selfishness in each of us. In order to understand this, you need to be honest with yourself.

An indicator of selfishness is the degree of our sacrifice. The more we do for other people, the more we try to help them, the more we feel the need to give something of ourselves to another, the less egoism we have. We just need to take into account that we must do all this for people free of charge, from the bottom of our hearts, without hoping for recognition or obligations from others for what we have done. We must simply give, give to others.

And now everyone can look within themselves and see that they cannot sacrifice anything. Everyone can work, but for a salary, everyone can give a gift, but they will expect a return gift, everyone can give alms, but such a minuscule amount that simply will not be significant for us (a trifle so that our pockets do not tear), everyone sacrifices time and effort for the sake of another , but expect to receive no less. And if we are deprived of something, we will be upset and offended. We cannot do anything from a pure heart, because we do not have a pure heart. Our heart is polluted with pride.

You can also determine the degree of selfishness by the number of our demands on others.

Demands are the opposite of sacrifice. The more demands we place on people, the less Love we have, but the more selfishness we have.

Everyone around us owes it to us. The doctor - to treat, the waiter - to be attentive, the children - to be obedient, the parents - to be restrained, the boss - to be kind and understanding, the politicians - to be wise, the judges - to be fair... But we don’t owe anyone anything. If we do what we must do, we grumble about how hard it is, how time-consuming, unpleasant, poorly paid, etc.

– There is a common belief that if you sacrifice a lot to others, you yourself will be left with nothing. Some people may simply not understand how it is possible to give without expecting anything in return? What if you need it yourself later, but it won’t happen anymore!

– This approach deprives us of true Love. Tell me: do many people like greedy people?

- Of course not! They love generous people.

- That's it. A greedy person takes, saves for himself, but cannot share or sacrifice. They can suck up to him, they can honor him, they can tolerate him, they can hypocritically pay him compliments. But they will not love him, because he himself does not love anyone.

– So we can’t get anything until we learn to sacrifice?

- Yes. Imagine that the box in which you store all the most important things is filled to the brim with rubbish that you no longer need. It really seems to you that these are necessary and necessary things. But now you have seen a truly necessary, beautiful thing. For example, a large bar of gold. You want to take it, but you have nowhere to put it. The place is busy. There is nowhere to put it. We must first make room, sacrifice these “treasures” that can be useful to others. But you can't do this. Selfishness gets in the way. So you will stay the same.

Think about who will give a person valuables that he will simply hide? Values ​​are given to those who know how to manage them, and not to keep them under lock and key. If a person learns to give love, talents, money, goods, then God will give him this again and again. If he is a miser, the world will treat him the same way.

“But everyone thinks that they give as much as they can or that they simply have nothing to give.”

- Let's get a look. How many people need our attention and care? These are disadvantaged patients, old people, children. And we don’t have time for them! But we have plenty of time for shopping, partying, clubs, ICQ, stupid videos, and TV. So admit honestly that it’s not that we don’t have time, but we don’t have the desire to sacrifice time.

As you know, we don’t have money either. For those in need, we cannot find them for good deeds. If we can, then it’s a mere trifle. But we find money for clothes, prestigious vacations, cafes, restaurants, clubs, the latest modern telephone models, cars, apartments and dachas. If someone asks us to give ten percent to deeds of helping our neighbors, mercy and alms, then we will go crazy, we will feel sorry, and maybe even cry! Which of us is ready to give this ten percent? But this is what God asks you to do in the Bible! We don’t give it to Him, but we ask Him, we want Him to give us true love! Naive. Until we start giving, we won’t receive.

– Sometimes it’s hard to give. It's like you're the last one to sacrifice. How to learn this? How to recover from selfishness and is it even possible?

“We need to start noticing those who need help.” And help as much as possible. Just look honestly at how many you have, and don’t deceive yourself. You can't demand anything in return, don't expect a reward. Otherwise it will not be a sacrifice. In the family, stop counting who should do what to whom... You can also participate in the work of volunteer organizations that help the disadvantaged. If you give money, then it’s not a meager amount, but really an amount that deprives you of something unnecessary (but not necessary).

At the same time, you cannot be proud of the fact that you did a good deed. More support for those who live next to us, in the neighborhood. It is imperative to forgive insults - this is also a sacrifice. Yes, a lot more. You can't list everything.

– This is probably difficult for many people to do.

– You’ll have to study if you want true Love.

– Mikhail Igorevich, tell me, what is the true meaning of family?

– Tell me, why do climbers go to the mountains not alone, but in pairs?

- It's too difficult alone. If something happens, no one will help.

- Exactly. Alone there is no support, no help, no one insures you. It is very dangerous and unreliable to be alone in the mountains. If a person goes to the mountains alone, then the probability of a successful ascent is very low, and the probability of disaster is high. Life is an ascent to a goal. It is difficult, dangerous, and requires a lot of strength. It is easier to do it in pairs.

This is exactly how Christianity views the meaning of marriage. Christianity claims that marriage is creation. Two people create each other, that is, they support each other on this difficult path towards a common goal, help in every possible way, provide each other various help in this ascent. And then children are born who must also make this ascent. And then parents support their children along this path. And so the whole family storms this mountain, helping each other. And then the parents become old and frail, and their children support them just as they once supported their children. This is the meaning: all together, on the way to a common goal, through difficulties on the way to the top.

– Should spouses have common views on basic issues?

– People are mistaken when they believe that they can start a family simply because they like a person in appearance or something else, they are interested in him, they have a good relationship with him, they want children from him, their partner is rich, etc. Outer beauty may pass, physical attractiveness may disappear, he may become uninteresting, feelings will become less acute, sex will not be as intense, children may grow up and leave, or they may die - and then what?

In families created on such a weak foundation, irritation towards each other will gradually increase; the wife may begin to nag her husband, which will ultimately lead to separation. That's why there are so many divorces. Why before, before the revolution, there were almost no divorces? Because there was a goal. And she was real. And the family was built on a very strong foundation.

The only foundation for creating a strong family is to come together to God at the end of life, unite, become one flesh, and reach old age together. Family is a joint spiritual maturation, which cannot be possible without some difficulties.

This must be realized. When a person realizes the need for this growing up, in mature, old age he reaps magnificent benefits. Both spouses must have this understanding. Spouses must have a common goal, towards which both must go together, hand in hand. If there is no goal, the marriage is doomed.

In any business there must be a goal: in war there is one goal, at work - a second, in the family - a third... Life is in a sense a war, and not pure pleasure and entertainment. But today, for many, marriage is entertainment. But with this approach, the partner’s shortcomings gradually become hypertrophied and become a “log in the eye.” And now both agree that they are not suitable for each other, that they are too different. People don't understand that they should work on themselves first, and not on another person.

Family is work, but very rewarding work. Married life is mutual patience, forgiveness, love, working on oneself and relationships. I often hear: “Oh, our love has passed, everything has collapsed.” But if you don’t have a common goal, then this is the end, because you have no goal and no desire to restore everything, you are fed up with each other. But you need to realize, reassess values, move to a new level of relations.

It seems strange that before the revolution people often married not even for love. But the ending was completely different! Relationships strengthened and improved, love grew, tolerance for each other’s shortcomings gradually came, people lived to old age together, lived through old age. Since there was a common goal, there were no lonely old people, so there were no nursing homes.

– Today, few people decide to get married. But many want to live for themselves. Civil marriage is popular. What do you think about this topic?

– Today, many people really want to live for themselves. Take everything from life so that you have something to remember later. At the same time, in their opinion, it is necessary to take more and give less. Family is responsibility. Responsibility is the need to tear it away from oneself and invest it in the family, as in a common cauldron.

But I don’t want to do this. Selfishness, fears, and lack of understanding of the meaning of creating a family interfere. Of course, no one admits this, and excuses are made like “we need to get on our feet first,” “we need to make sure that we suit each other, get used to each other,” etc. These people need to be pitied. They are simply looking for pleasant sensations, a false sense of comfort, lack of responsibility, but thus do not receive truly deep and true feelings and love. Fear of marriage is also a lack of desire, fear, and a delay in spiritual maturation.

As for civil marriage, this is rather a consequence of one’s own irresponsibility and distrust of one’s partner. We moved in together, but I left the door ajar so that if difficulties arose, I could slip out through it with the least loss for myself, my beloved.

– People often feel that they have learned lessons from their previous marriage and new marriage they join already more experienced...

– Remarriage can lead to even more disappointment in life. I, as a psychologist who has talked with a very large number of families, can say with confidence that if any marriage is built on the wrong foundation, it will collapse sooner or later.

– But if there used to be such strong marriages, then it turns out that today you can also get married, get married without love?

– My words do not mean at all that you can or should get married, get married without love. Previously, there was often no choice. Often a girl was confronted with a fact: here is your future husband... Today there is a choice... But how do you even imagine love? What is this, in your understanding? And what is passion? People often confuse both these concepts.

– It seems to me that passion is an instantaneous flash that both flares up and goes out.

– Passion can last for years, but passion passes. Real love will never go anywhere. She will be with the person until the end of his days. There are periods of some cooling, which are followed by a rise. This must be understood and accepted as a given and not fall into panic prematurely.

Love can be distinguished from passion by the sacrifice you are willing to make for the sake of your loved one, when it is more pleasant for you to give than to take; love is a feeling of tenderness for your partner, caring for each other. Love is not hourly exaltation, oohs and sighs. Many spouses believe that when the romantic season passes, love passes with it. This is the wrong point of view. True love requires awareness of responsibility for another person (if you really love and evaluate life sensibly, like an adult, then this is not a burden, there is nothing terrible about it). True love requires certain sacrifices, in in a healthy sense this word. In some ways it can be compared with motherly love when you love not for something, but simply love, without trying to fundamentally change the person.

Some people come to an understanding of the goals of marriage gradually, some after a divorce, some after a crisis. If this awareness and reappraisal occurs in both spouses, then the marriage opens a second wind, the opportunity to build happy family. Relations are reaching a new qualitative level.

– Is the desire to have children from a loved one also not a goal?

– We must understand that children are also mortal. Children will also someday start their own families, leave your family, children will someday grow old and die. Children are not the purpose of marriage. On life path people must improve with their souls, yes, making mistakes, but realizing them and drawing conclusions, overcoming difficulties, must help their children improve, support them. I would say that children are a means, a very necessary means, but not the main goal. If that were the goal, then families without children would make no sense. Fortunately, this is not the case.

– I talked to different people. 100 percent of people told me that everyone wanted one marriage for life, but life decreed otherwise. “What did you want? - they ask me. “It’s like that for everyone.” Isn't that the goal: one marriage for life?

- No, that's not the goal. For example, your goal is to drink tea. You will drink it with a fork or a spoon, or from a cup - this is not a goal, but a means of achieving it. As I already said, the goal is one - to come to God, grow spiritually, learn to love. Of course, it is better if there is only one marriage.

– If a divorce occurs, then this is a deep trauma. Can this situation be positive?

– The worst thing is that modern people understand love and marriage only as pleasure. He does not accept suffering and wants to live only in pleasure. Eat makes a lot of sense in overcoming suffering, because a person, by overcoming them consciously, hardens and improves. To go through suffering, to draw conclusions, to learn sacrifice - this means to overcome one’s own egoism and rise from the egoistic to the spiritual.

– You said that you shouldn’t run because of your own feelings. But isn't this harmful? Isn't it harmful to hold back? own emotions?

– It’s harmful to restrain emotions. But emotions appear after you have allowed the feelings to take over you. I will explain this using the lighter mechanism. Look, if you just strike flint against flint with it, there’s nothing wrong with it, only sparks are struck. But if gas starts flowing, then you see what is happening - here it is a flame, an open fire. Any friction without emotion is a safe spark. But as soon as we give our emotions power, a fire starts. This is the danger.

You've probably seen a drunk person more than once. Do you know how it differs from a sober person? A drunk man's logic is turned off, he floats on emotions and feelings. Tell me, will you listen to the opinion of a drunken person and take him seriously?

- Of course not!

– Why then do you take seriously a person who is at the mercy of emotions? This is practically the same condition. In both cases the logic is disabled. A person does not control himself... And the task of every person is to learn to prevent this. We need to learn to control own feelings. You need to start with understanding: where is the enemy and where is the friend, where you can give free rein to your feelings, and where you absolutely cannot. You don’t light a fire in your apartment because you logically understand how it will end. That's how it is in the family. You shouldn’t start a fire out of emotions in your house. First, you should think about what this might lead to.

Usually such strong flammable feelings on both sides are caused by our pride, selfishness, pride, etc.

– In some situations it is still very difficult to restrain yourself. Sometimes it feels like it’s impossible to control these feelings.

- Yes it a big problem. We actually can, but we don’t know how to manage them. And most often we don’t even understand that this is necessary. Orthodoxy provides a very good method for this. To use it, you need to understand that feelings often come from demons. And demons are much stronger than man. As St. said. Feofan, “it is through feelings that demons dominate a person who dreams, however, that he is his own master.” But it is impossible for a person to cope with demons. And most often, a person is led by his own feelings and cannot control them, even if he understands that this must be done.

– But how to deal with them if they are stronger?

– I’ll give you an example. You find yourself on a country road at night. It’s dark, the lights are all broken. Suddenly three cars with tinted windows drive up, and twelve drunken men get out of them. What are you going to do?

– I’ll run... Although I understand that this is stupid. I won’t be able to run away from them anywhere... I’ll also scream. Although I also understand that this is useless...

- Well, yes. They will do whatever they want to you... Now imagine yourself in the same situation, but twenty of your riot police friends are following you. Three tinted cars drive up... The men get out, but don’t see your friends. What are you going to do?

“I’ll run to the riot police or call them for help.”

- Right. In this metaphor, riot police are other forces, Angels, who can help you defeat the attacks of demonic bandits, those thoughts that demons send, those feelings. We need to filter out feelings and thoughts. Understand where the enemy is and where the friend is. When you have identified the enemy, you need to pray, call for help from other forces that can powerfully resist these feelings and thoughts, protect you, save you. Thus, you can not allow yourself to be captured by these emotions, not ignite a flame in yourself, not reach emotional outburst.

– They say that strong marriages are those of convenience. What do you think about it?

- Believe me, I’ve seen enough of such marriages! A woman marries a man's wealth. Nothing lasts forever, you know. Today a man is on a horse, tomorrow, excuse me, under a horse. Health, accident, persecution, bankruptcy - anything can happen. And what? A woman who marries for money will leave if there is no money, because she needs money from her husband; this is her goal - to live on consumption. Likewise for a rich man: well, he bought himself the love of a model. Tomorrow a new “miss” will appear, more beautiful, longer-legged. He will leave his wife. He’ll buy himself a new one... Or maybe he won’t leave, but will get himself a mistress or mistresses. And the wife will put up with this, because she did not marry a person, but for money. And what? What will they come to? Do you think they will be happy in marriage?.. Or someone gets married because of an apartment and registration. But one of your relatives may suddenly need an apartment. Which, by the way, happens most often. And now, the marriage is on the verge of collapse...

I used a metaphor about how the meaning of life and marriage can be likened to reaching the top of a mountain. Anything can happen ahead – avalanches and snowstorms. Alone, as we have already said, you are unlikely to achieve your goal. You need to take someone with you. But who will you take with you: handsome, long-legged, cheerful, rich? You probably want to have a person with you, first of all, who is reliable, who you can trust, who will not leave you in difficult times, who will lend you a helping hand, who will always be by your side... However, for some reason, people often choose a partner based on a different principle. Or they go, but somewhere completely aimlessly.

That is, a calculation is needed, but not like this. Usually everyone thinks about material calculations, but you need to think about spiritual calculations when creating a family.

– In your opinion, jealousy is a manifestation of love? If there is no jealousy, then there is no love?

– Jealousy is precisely the lack of love and a manifestation of self-doubt.

– Do you need to control your spouse? And is there healthy control?

– We need to control children, disabled people, those who cannot control themselves, stand up for themselves and take responsibility for their own actions. If your spouse wants to feel like a child, yes, maybe you need to control it if your spouse likes it. But what kind of marriage is this if one is childish and afraid to take responsibility for himself? In general, control is distrust. If there is love, then the question of control disappears in itself. Each partner responsibly controls only HIMSELF.

You need to understand that only you are responsible for your life, for your spiritual and physical state. And you cannot shift responsibility to another person, give reasons, force your partner to control you. Or, by shifting responsibility, let yourself be controlled. You also cannot take responsibility for another, arrogating to yourself the right to control him.

And there is no need to listen to others, who for the most part do not understand anything in life themselves, and cannot arrange their own lives. Have you seen many such controlling truly happy marriages?

The manifestation of true love is giving a person free choice. A spouse has the right to choose and has the right to take independent responsibility for his life and family. Family is a mutual desire to be together, a mutual desire to invest in the family. Control in any form, jealousy is a manifestation of selfishness and unhealthy dependence. One day, during the next crisis, control will get boring, and the partner will simply run away... And by the way, it is extremely rare to meet a person who can let go of his or her spouse without reproaches, accusations, scandals, but with good wishes and forgiveness. Just let go. This is a manifestation of true love.

– Why does it happen that at first your partner falls in love with you for some qualities, and then these qualities begin to irritate you?

– This happens, do you know in what cases? He spent a long time choosing something in the store, trying it on, consulting with friends, even inviting his parents to look. And then here you go. The guy didn’t like the suit, went and cursed at the saleswoman (life, wife, etc.): “Oh, you’re so crazy, what did you give me? I’m not happy with this, when I bought it it suited me, but then it turned out that it’s not mine at all, not my size, not my style, it can’t be recut, it can’t be altered.” His requirements have changed. It's human nature to want more. But you get used to the old, it doesn’t seem so good anymore. If he treats his wife not as a person, but as a thing, if he is not a family builder, but a consumer, then this begins to irritate him. Quite natural for his attitude.

– What does it mean to “invest in the family”?

– This means investing emotionally, financially, and with your time. Any deed for the benefit of the family benefits her. Spending time together, having fun together is probably the smallest part of the “contribution” to the common cause.

-What is pride?

– Pride is the most evil passion. Almost every sin has pride at its root. Murder occurs because of pride, because someone considered another lower and more insignificant than himself, rose above another person, irritation - due to pride, attempts to remake another as oneself, unforgiveness - due to pride, swearing, selfishness, consumerism, condemnation of others, betrayal, etc. This list can be continued for a long time. To kill pride in yourself, you need to think less about “I” and think more about others. Believers are given many other ways to overcome this spiritual illness.

Pride is a consequence of submission to feelings, a distorted idea of ​​oneself, a feeling of oneself as one is not in reality. A person fantasizes something about himself, begins to believe in it, feels special, “the very best.” He no longer checks conclusions about his own exceptionalism, either by logical reasoning, or by comparing himself with other people, or by practice. He trusts his feelings. Naturally, he has the thought that his loved ones do not respect him, care little about him, and a desire arises to “give up everything and leave.” This can, in particular, cause family breakdown. If a person reasoned logically, thought, analyzed his actions, he would see that he is not at all “the best.” But he lives by his feeling, and not by his reason, in his invented world, it is impossible to explain to him that he is wrong in anything, he simply will not listen.

In addition, pride is the direct cause of egocentrism and selfishness. Man has convinced himself that the entire universe revolves around him, that he is a self-sufficient world. If he wants, he will find confirmation of his importance. As we see, blind trust in one’s feelings is not at all as harmless as it seems at first glance. This destroys both your own life and the lives of loved ones.

– Advocacy own point Is it stubbornness or not?

– Defending your own point of view is good, it’s right if you are confident that you are right. If there are any objective evidence, and not subjective ideas... But at the same time, one must avoid the appearance of such feelings as pride, so as not to exalt oneself over one’s spouse in proving one’s own rightness.

– Can routine kill love? Is the feeling of boring, monotonous everyday life an indicator that a man has stopped loving his wife?

– Yes, of course, routine can kill love. Have you ever seen a vacancy like this: “We invite you to work, where holidays, fireworks, competitions and gifts, dancing and fun until you drop await you”? Or, let’s say, there is even such a vacancy. And suddenly the holidays are over. And what? There was a feeling of routine, boredom and monotony. “But they promised me something else, they promised me constant holidays... Well, no, things won’t work that way,” they tell the employer... and leave him. If you expect constant euphoria from marriage, and do not want to work on maintaining love, yes, the likelihood that routine will kill love is high. Love is not a constant euphoria. Yes, it’s euphoria at some moments, but to have it at least sometimes, you have to work on it... But can you imagine how unbearable and sickening it would be if the euphoria lasted a day, two, a week, a month, a year? Yes, everyone would start to feel sick from such euphoria. They would stop feeling and appreciating her.

And who even told you, besides television propaganda of pleasures, that everything should be pleasant in this life? All religions of the world believe that this world was created not for cloudless happiness, but as an arena for the struggle between the forces of good and evil. You need to imagine it well, and not look for fun. Then there will be no feeling of routine.

– Can the feeling of routine be classified as obsessive thoughts?

- Certainly. If a person thinks about what it should actually feel? Eternal holiday, eternal bliss? Why would that be? “I want something new all the time, drive and celebration.” - "And why?" - “I don’t know. I just want that’s all.” Or a situation with feelings. “The feelings are gone.” Where did you get the idea that feelings are non-stop exaltation?

– I don’t have many examples of happy marriages, so I really want to know how to build family relationships correctly?

– Everything here is very simple: a person must understand why he needs a family. This is a fundamental question. If the goals are clearly set, then resources will definitely be found in the future. There are certain principles, of course. There is such a book “Domostroy”. (Don’t let the title scare you. It’s not about the social organization of the family based on the principles of male dominance.) It was written by priest Sylvester, confessor of Ivan the Terrible. There are described family relationships ideally, but you can put them in a modern way and take something useful from there...

Ideally, a man should be a captain, he bears primary responsibility for the family, and accordingly he is given respect and honor as the captain of a ship called “Family”...

The hierarchy is built in the family from here. If you want to change something in your husband, then it is important to calmly, without reproaches and grins, without hysterics and scandals, as is often done, to say about it. Starting from the smallest problem and ending with the sexual sphere. Dialogue is needed. When a partner himself spins something in his head, the result is a completely delusional state. “So, he went on vacation alone. What about me? And here he is in me last time I didn’t let her go to her friend. But I’ll cuckold him so that he knows, such a viper, how to treat me.” There are a sea of ​​such situations. Moreover, only she knows about this; he often doesn’t even realize it. Why is she doing this? Where does this lead? Only to grief.

That is, if you do something, you need to do it for a reason, but so that it leads to something. You need to see the goal. Just doing the action is stupid. He cuckolded, she cuckolded in revenge, both ultimately cannot understand each other and cannot stand each other either. What kind of family is this? Family is a dialogue and general direction, common goals, a common foundation, as we have already talked about.

They told this to children, but for some reason no one perceives it normally... And less emotions. Emotions are good in bed, on vacation, in sports. Before expressing any negative emotions, you need to think a hundred times.

– But you said that it is harmful to restrain emotions...

– I’m not saying that emotions should be restrained. Of course, this is harmful. When the fire broke out, the pan began to boil - you need to remove the lid, otherwise it will explode. But you don’t need to turn on the switch to make the saucepan heat up; you need to prevent bad emotions at the stage of feelings. You yourself will decide whether to allow these emotions or not to allow them.

– You know, it was a great discovery for me that I could control my own feelings! I lived to be this old and didn’t know about it!

“I’ll tell you that almost no one knows about this at all.” Or he knows, but is too lazy to work on himself. Because it's work. And what about emotions? It doesn’t require any effort to follow them, everything is simple: turn it on and away you go... Moreover, it’s not so difficult to learn to control your feelings. However, people like to delve and stew in feelings. But feelings are fickle - they come and go. And sometimes the consequences of following their lead are serious.

– Mikhail Igorevich, is hot temper a character trait or something else? Often, hot-tempered people explain some of their actions by their hot-tempered nature.

– Hot temper is not a character. This is promiscuity, the inability to control your emotions. And in fact, these are all self-justifications. A person can control his emotions, but does not want to do so. When he flares up at his wife, for some reason this is considered normal. But if the President of Russia were next to this man, he would hardly have flared up; he would have very much restrained himself. For some reason, at home he is quick-tempered with his wife and children, that is, with those who cannot fight back, but at work, with his superiors, most likely, no short temper is observed, everyone is very good, they know how to control themselves. That is, hot temper is an unwillingness to restrain oneself, an unwillingness to keep oneself within certain behavioral boundaries.

– My husband complained about an uncomfortable feeling in our home. I was very worried about this...

– I doubt that from the very first days such a FEELING, mind you, came to him. These could very well be intrusive thoughts, which, you yourself understand, are sent to us from. There is a struggle on Earth - the struggle between good and evil, the struggle for souls, the struggle for families... When a person simply does not want to build relationships, he will always find explanations that will justify his reluctance to build them: the apartment is not the same, mother-in-law, mother-in-law, your friends, your hobbies, bad neighbors, you stopped surprising with novelty... You shouldn’t pay much attention to those FEELINGS your partner is talking about. It is better to discuss in time and logically understand what exactly leads to such feelings. Such things should be decided not by feelings, but rationally.

– Should a man help a woman with housework? Or is this a woman's prerogative?

– During the Stone Age, there was a clear division - men hunted, women stayed at home and kept house. But if a man cannot provide for his family so that a woman has the opportunity to do a good job around the house, work at a minimum, and maybe not work at all, then how can he be dissatisfied with anything? Do they share the work with you? They divide. Then be kind enough to sometimes wash the floors, sweep them, cook dinner, help... Those who fundamentally do not help their wife have the position of an egoist, when I myself don’t owe anything to anyone, only everyone around me owes them. Families are often broken due to the selfishness of one of the family members.

An egoist can't do anything. In principle, it can’t do anything. He cannot create a happy, strong family, a family for life. Any marriage of his is doomed. Unless, of course, he reconsiders his views on life.

- And if a person admits to you so directly: “Yes, I am an egoist.”

- It’s so fashionable now to be selfish! This is precisely why there are so many unhappy marriages. Well, the flag into the hands of these egoists! If they don’t want to change, they don’t have to. Only chickens are counted in the fall. Will you be proud of your own selfishness when you find yourself completely alone or in difficult period life without work, without money, without loved ones? Will many “friends” who are just as selfish stay with you? And even if they remain, how long will they last? I always find it funny when people are proud of it.

– You say that there should be dialogue in the family. But I have two examples of families where couples seemed to talk and talk to each other, but did not agree on anything. As a result, on the verge of divorce. And both couples came to the conclusion: who needs this dialogue if we don’t understand each other?

– If there is no common foundation, common values, what to talk about, where are the points of contact, what is the point of dialogue? There is no longer a dialogue, but monologues!.. If both are non-believers, for the time being you can hold out on some pseudo-values: on capital, on raising children, for example. But still this boat is very shaky. The children grow up, and both spouses suddenly realize that nothing connects them anymore! The boat leaks and everyone goes down. Divorces are very common during this period. Naturally, dialogue is effective only when people have common goals and understand the need to resolve conflicts and the need for mutual concessions.

– How should a woman behave correctly so that a man feels like a man in family life? Some psychologists advise a woman not to take responsibility and sometimes refuse any initiative, simply do nothing in certain situations: the man will be forced to learn responsibility and independence himself...

– It depends on what dictates it. If you divide the responsibility between two, then the power is equally divided. But if a man wants power, power in the family, be kind and take responsibility. Power without responsibility is impossible. It's like in the army. The general will be questioned as if he were a general, and not as if he were a private. Can you imagine a general who had power but did not bear any responsibility for his own decisions? And then in families it happens like this: the woman carries the burden of responsibility, and the man tries to appropriate all the power to himself, while doing nothing himself. Men today often want to have power simply because they are men, but do not want to bear any responsibility. And it is on this basis that conflicts begin. Returning to the question, we can say that you cannot give all responsibility to someone who does not want and cannot take it. This won't solve the problem. A man who does not want to take responsibility will not become more responsible. Anarchy will just begin in the family. Total irresponsibility. This is even worse.

– Husbands often try to change their wives. In the sense that they are not satisfied with the style of clothing, they try to “change it” for themselves... But the girls feel very uncomfortable in this. Is it worth “bending over” to a man?

– How can a person express himself? Do something worthy, kind, necessary, become more spiritual, better! Or you can do nothing at all, buy a beautiful wife, so that everyone’s necks are twisted. They themselves cannot be bright, so they try to attract attention to themselves by the brightness of those who are nearby. The less self-confident a person is, the more demands he places on his partner, the more fixated on external manifestations of success, the boundaries of which, of course, include both the partner and his appearance. This is all from emptiness, understand...

People simply go crazy from boredom, the apparent routine and monotonous everyday life. From the inner emptiness, they try to fill themselves with something: clothes, new experiences, women, booze, perversions, vivid sensations, drugs. But, as you know, all this does not bring happiness. Because happiness is a spiritual state. But all of the above does not satiate, it can only bring temporary excitement, which quickly passes... Any sensation becomes boring. Therefore, a person goes further, then even further. It can be endless. Moving from one perversion to another, they screw it up and screw it up until they reach some kind of carrion eating...

– Yes, but few today are in a hurry to fill themselves spiritually, they are in no hurry to come to God. There are two such examples: one of my friends is afraid to come to God because she is afraid of the trials that will immediately come with it. A young man considers it possible to have fun in his youth and maturity, but plans to come to God in old age. Many today, by the way, expect to come to God in old age, but for now take everything from life.

– It’s a clever idea, of course. But how does that person know that he will live to old age? How does he know what will happen tomorrow? Do you dare plan your whole life? You don’t know how much time you have on Earth! If only someone had said: “You will live to be 76 years old, at 75 you will be baptized, and you will confess all your sins. And that’s all - you will go to Heaven as a righteous person.” But you may not live to see 75, and tomorrow everything may end. And then he will be completely unprepared for this.

And besides, in old age you simply will not be able to come to God: those bad habits and vices that you have developed in yourself all your life will drag you down, you simply will not have the strength to overcome. It's like being in the middle of a colossal high mountain and having a lot of young strength, decide to roll down, so that in old age, finding yourself at the very bottom, you can climb to the top.

And the girl who says that the tests will begin... Yes, they will begin. And they have already begun. She’s just ignoring them now, living with the flow. It’s clear: why would demons attack a person who is already theirs?! What is the point of trying to hold a prisoner if he is already in captivity and is not trying to escape anywhere? But the only thing is that the captivity is demonic. And in any case, you have to take some steps to break out of this captivity, because staying in it is the worst thing. Of course, these steps are associated with certain suffering and hardships. It `s naturally…

Let's imagine a group of climbers again. Why do they go to the mountains? They go to reach the top. When the summit is conquered, they receive compensation for all their efforts. Climbing up a mountain, ragged and dirty, risking your own life is hard, very hard. Moreover, the higher you climb, the more difficult it becomes! But the desire to conquer the peak is at the same time the desire to expend certain forces to conquer it, so that all this is later compensated by victory. Sitting at the foot of the mountain and thinking about how you will appear at the top with a flag and wave your hand to everyone - these are all your fantasies. Yes, you don’t put any effort into it, yes, you don’t suffer, yes, you can sit at the foot of the mountain and cook barbecue. But you won’t reach the top, you won’t get that same joy from overcoming it, from your work. After all, it is not the process that is always important, but the result. It is the result that always brings a feeling of freedom, joy and satisfaction.

And everyone is afraid of it! Something needs to be done! Yes, we should. Yes, spiritual life is difficult, it is work and constant movement forward. You can't stop here. Whoever does not reach the top will not see God... But the holy fathers also say that even those who climb, even if they fall, but sincerely try with all their might to conquer the peak, even if they fail, they will still be there , where necessary. Well, for various reasons a person cannot conquer this peak, he does not have enough strength, maybe he climbs and falls, climbs and falls. And it can be like this all your life. But God looks at the desire to reach the top, at the desire to do something... Like little children: they try to do something, but they fail. But they are sincerely trying, they are putting effort into it. Sorry, there will be a different demand from the lazy person, from the loafer, who, in fact, did not do anything and did not want to, and therefore did not fall...

“He might like to take the cable car to the top...

– Yes, but, unfortunately, funiculars do not go to the Kingdom of Heaven. We'll have to climb. Moreover, you can generally advance very far. But for the efforts made, for the fact that he sacrifices himself - maybe he was the most broken and crippled, but he strived for this peak - so he will receive a reward. In this case, the main thing is not victory, but participation.

– Do men have mistresses because of an unsettled family life or for the sake of entertainment and new sensations?

- It happens both ways. Yes, in a harmoniously developing relationship, a serious decision about having someone on the side, of course, does not arise. However, it also happens from inner emptiness, it also happens when you’re drunk, when your mind turns off... Often a person in a new relationship thinks that the other person understands you better, you have more in common with him, at first he may seem exceptional and wonderful. But time passes, and you realize that this is not at all true... And if you ran after your feeling, pushing away a truly loved one, then later, having lost him, it can be oh, how painful!.. When to improve, to take power over feelings is not we want, all we can do is run on their lead and often ruin our lives...

– Should a woman put up with a man’s betrayal?