At a time when many traditional rules education by modern parents is questioned and rejected, we can observe and reverse side This process is the loss of parental authority. In an attempt to become only a friend to their children, parents cease to fulfill their primary tasks - to guide, protect and set rules. And for this they must be the main ones in the family, and children must take their demands and conditions into account.
David Eberhard is the author of the book “Children in Power. The monstrous fruits of liberal education” - I am convinced that the family cannot be a democratic institution, and liberal education, based on overprotection and fear of harming the child psychological trauma does not prepare children for real life. This threatens that children grow up terribly ill-mannered, but in adulthood they often give up at the slightest difficulty.
"Zeit": When are you in last time Have you been to a restaurant with your children?
David Eberhard: Just recently. Why are you asking?
Zeit: Because the owners of establishments in Stockholm are fed up with children who don’t know how to behave. One cafe even banned entry for families [with children]. And this is in child-loving Sweden.
Eberhard: I understand perfectly well what you are talking about. There are always children who yell, spill drinks, rush around the room, or open the front door wide when the temperature is minus five degrees. Parents sit nearby and don’t even think about interfering.
“Zeit”: Why then don’t others reason with the children?
Eberhard: Nobody dares to do this. Parents find it very unpleasant when their children are criticized. Previously, our society was a society of adults. There were common values regarding issues of education. If a child behaved indecently, they approached him and said: stop it! There is no such consistency anymore. We, adults, are now responsible not for each other, but only for our children.
"Zeit": Yours A new book“Children in Power” will be released in a few weeks German. In it you argue that liberal education as a method has failed. Why?
Eberhard: Because parents no longer act like responsible adults. They think they should be best friends their children. They put themselves on the same level as their children, not daring to contradict them or set boundaries. They no longer make any decisions, but want to be as cool, advanced rebels as their children. Now our society consists only of teenagers.
Zeit: Do you really believe that German parents allow their children to dictate where to go on vacation, what to eat and what to watch on TV?
Eberhard: Many people recognize themselves in this portrait. Parents are reluctant to externalize their problems with upbringing. They say: everything is fine with us, this is not about us! However, their conscience constantly gnaws at them because they believe that they are doing many things wrong. They come home from work tired in the evening and cook what the child likes, because they don’t want to get into discussions with him. They allow him to sit in front of the TV for longer than the agreed upon time in order to have some peace. They spend their holidays somewhere where the children will be busy, although without children they would never set foot there. I'm not saying it's wrong. All I'm saying is that a parent's life should not revolve only around the child. There are no scientific evidence that this somehow positively affects the future of children, that they become more successful or carefree in adult life.
David Eberhard hosted me for an interview in his apartment in the center of Stockholm. Chirps budgie, the children are still in school and kindergarten. David takes out four books he has written from the bookcase. His favorite topics are education, society's desire for security, and adults' obsession with security. The Swedish edition of his new book shows his son wearing a reflective vest and helmet, strapped into a child's car seat. He came straight from his clinic to talk. He is the leading psychiatrist in a team of 150 employees, his third wife is a nurse.
Zeit: You yourself have six children. Who makes the rules in the family?
Eberhard: I am.
Zeit: And there are no democratic family structures?
Eberhard: I don't think that the family should be a democratic institution at all. Relationships between adults and children are always asymmetrical. This is the relationship between master and student. One teaches, the other listens. Parents can assess circumstances better because they have more experience and know more. They should set the rules.
Zeit: How do you manage to raise your own children in a strict and authoritarian manner in the midst of liberal Swedish society?
Eberhard: I can't be too different from other parents, otherwise my children will get into trouble. And militant authoritarianism would not have been allowed to me.
“Zeit”: So you have to control yourself?
Eberhard: Oh well (laughs). And my other readers think that I want a return to military education, back to corporal punishment. I've never written anything like this. I have never hit children.
“Zeit”: In Germany there is now a lot of discussion about the Pope’s statement about the acceptability of light spanking as a method of education. In your book, you write that there is no evidence that children raised strictly, including those who were beaten, have a worse life later. How close are you to the Pope's opinion?
Eberhard: I completely disagree with him on this issue. I have we're talking about that it is important for children that they are raised to conform to the values and norms of the society in which they live. For children who grew up in a society where such blows are accepted as the norm, they are not so [mentally] traumatized. But parents in the West are now afraid of everything, believing that even the slightest criticism can traumatize the child. They no longer consider it necessary to tell their daughter during puberty: don’t eat so much chocolate, otherwise you will get fat, because they are afraid that the girl will immediately go to the other extreme, even to the point of anorexia. At the same time, we may well demand something from children, they will withstand it. Don't treat them like porcelain dolls.
Eberhard deals with parental fears in detail in the book. Although there are hardly any serious dangers for young families today, new fears are emerging. Eberhard shows contradictions with many examples modern parents. He provokes them, wants to encourage them to think about their behavior. He draws his conclusions from many international studies. For example, to strengthen children's resilience, Eberhard says, they need to be taught how to cope with adversity from an early age.
“Zeit”: Where does the fear of harming a child with upbringing and strictness come from?
Eberhard: I have the impression that parents owe this to specialists.
“Zeit”: ... that is, people like you?
Eberhard: I tell parents that they shouldn't read too many different advisors.
“Zeit”: Just your book, that’s enough.
Eberhard: I can be blamed for this. But, for example, John Bowlby, whose theory of attachment is considered unquestionable, is often interpreted by experts too freely. This leads to parents thinking that they would harm their children if they sent them to nurseries too early, where they would spend more time with the teacher than with the mother. But I have never seen a single child who was more attached to the teacher than to the mother.
“Zeit”: Dane Jesper Juul gathers entire halls in Germany for his reports on authenticity and partner-like treatment of a child.
Eberhard: Oh, if I wanted, it would soon happen to me too!
Zeit: How do you explain the success of Yuul?
Eberhard: He appeared at the right moment and headed straight into this educational vacuum. Nobody wants authoritarian upbringing anymore, nor does anyone want an analogue “ invisible hand market”, who will raise the child herself. No one wants to listen to their own parents, and relying only on intuition seems too frivolous. Jesper Juul says very simple things. Some are reasonable, others not so much. His first book, “The Competent Child,” was sold without a single recommendation; parents didn’t care. And suddenly everyone started talking about the fact that a child should not only be punished, but also praised.
“Zeit”: You can’t praise?
Eberhard: Yes, and it’s not just Juul who says that. If my daughter wants to show me her drawing, then the most I can do is say: Oh, drawing! How interesting! Did you become happy by drawing a picture? But this is wrong communication, I’m not like that, why should I pretend? Parents must carefully select each word before pronouncing it to their child. Just so as not to shame him, deprive him of self-confidence or expose him to the pressure of competition. The problem with experts is their moralizing. They tell parents what to do and what not to do. Parents, in search of guidelines, absorb dogmas and ideologies, which are not so easy to get rid of later.
Eberhard judges parenting experts harshly, although he does not say that parents cannot learn something from them. Expertise too often based on their own views and common sense, that is, things that parents can comprehend themselves. The important thing is that in own home no one can be an expert. Only parents without children are first-class specialists.
Zeit: German parents dream of Büllerby or Lönneberg.
Eberhard: Yes, and the Swedes are still madly in love with the story of Astrid Lindgren and all these idyllic pictures. But think about how the children in these books grew up. They wander back and forth all day, unattended, without helmets or sun hats. Michel tied his little sister Ida to the top of the flagpole. And Lotta from Krachmacher Street rode with her brothers and sisters on the roof of a Volkswagen Beetle. Now all this has become completely unthinkable. Today, parents and the juvenile affairs office (Jugendamt) mutually keep each other at gunpoint. IN kindergarten my son, all children must wear helmets when sledding!
Zeit: What's wrong with wanting to protect children?
Eberhard: Overprotective. If we want this competent child, he must be allowed to go to school alone. At the age of six, a child is already capable of this, even in a city with big movement transport. Parents do not allow this, but at the same time invite the child to make decisions or discuss every issue on an equal basis with adults. Many adults act in contradictory ways, completely unaware of what stimulates the child, promotes development, and what is an unnecessary burden.
Zeit: What consequences does this have?
Eberhard: We don't prepare children well for adulthood, fooling them into thinking that nothing bad will ever happen to them, that we always exist for them, that they are the navel of the earth. In my psychiatric clinic, I meet young people who come to me because, for example, their girlfriend broke up with them due to the death of their dog. They have difficulty coping with normal experiences.
“Something is wrong” is Eberhard’s frequent expert opinion in practical work. Parents sought medical answers to their helplessness. And they accepted the diagnosis - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder - with relief, because they received an explanation for the child’s behavior, and could no longer blame themselves. Parents are amazed that their children are tired, irritated, and hyperactive, but the idea of sending their child to bed early or forbidding their teenager to spend half the night in front of the computer does not occur to them. Eberhard does not skimp on criticism.
Zeit: Germany has long looked to Sweden in terms of child care and equality. Now tell me: finally stop following us!
Eberhard: Because we went too far. We no longer control liberalization, and the topic of equality has become one of the social dogmas. We all send our children to nurseries at the age of one year. Further, mothers and fathers work as equally as possible, as much as possible, and in positions of equal value if possible. No one should be on anyone's tail. Job - the only way to become human. We absorb this from a young age. Parenthood in itself is no longer a value. Parents must immediately decide who stays at home with the child and for how long, and who continues to work.
The phone rings, it's his wife. He must hang out the washed laundry. Bed sheets youngest son should dry before evening. He interrupts the interview to take care of household matters.
Zeit: What if a woman decides to stay at home longer?
Eberhard: No woman can afford this anymore. The accusation will be excessive. She will turn into a reactionary, old-fashioned traitor to her sex.
"Zeit": "Hen", the neuter personal pronoun, has become official in the Swedish lexicon. Thus, one should avoid talking about the child as “he” or “she”.
Eberhard: This is child abuse, which fortunately is only practiced in a few children's institutions so far. This leveling ignores everything scientific knowledge O biological development children. We have huge problem with the boys adolescence(teenagers). They can no longer cope with school work on their own because they are no longer treated like boys.
"Zeit": Therefore Swedish schools have they fallen so much compared to the international level?
Eberhard: Not only for this reason. The problem lies with our teachers. Their authority is negligible. Children do not consider it necessary to obey them, since they do not obey and own parents. As a consequence, a drop in results. According to the Pisa study, Swedish schoolchildren are the leaders in truancy, insulting teachers and vandalism. And don't forget: about self-confidence!
“Zeit”: Typical for children who are constantly in the center of care and attention.
Eberhard: Yes, and these “navel of the earth” children later become adults and come, for example, to Swedish television show"Idol". They are looking for singing talents who will become tomorrow's superstars. And so they come there and can’t sing at all. But they don't even know it. The jury, having recovered from their amazement, asks: did no one ever tell you that you couldn’t sing?
Zeit: Were his parents too cowardly?
Eberhard: They didn't want to hurt the poor child. This is how daring brats grow up, going into the world with a completely distorted picture of their own abilities. Focusing only on the child is not the best best method education in the world. If this were true, our children would love us more than anyone anywhere else in the world. But that's not true. Once we get old and decrepit, they put us in a nursing home. In other countries, families live together because parents are still valued even in old age.
When faced with rudeness, you always want to respond to the offender. In a fit of anger, we often do not control our feelings and emotions. This can cause a number of negative consequences. The simplest outcome of them is a quarrel, and the most negative is a fight. But, you see, suffer yourself and humiliate yourself to assault only because your interlocutor Bad mood, - at least stupid.
The best thing about similar situation- answer the offender calmly and confidently, but in such a way as to put the boor in his place. To do this tactfully, without spending extra effort and energy, there are special preparations - daring phrases.
Who is this boor?
This is an aggressor who attacks and violates your personal boundaries. He tries to hurt the most painful places and at the same time avoid revenge. Scientific information indicate that such a person is, in fact, pathetic man with low self-esteem, who wants to assert himself at the expense of those who have been offended or ridiculed by him. Here's what you need to know when faced with a boor. Understand and forgive, or even take pity on an insignificant person or respond with a witty phrase, smiling good-naturedly (not sarcasticly!).
Examples of situations when anger cannot be contained
A decent-looking person who is a boor can be found today at every step. Often the most common places where it is located are the following:
1. Trading platforms. The favorite place of a bored, angry person is, of course, a market or a supermarket. In some cases, a pharmacy is popular. Firstly, you can go there as an excursion and be outraged to your heart's content, studying the prices on the shelves. Secondly, hanging out in the crowd is also a nice thing for them. And all this, of course, is accompanied by unpleasant comments addressed to passers-by. By the way, store sellers also like to be rude.
2. Public transport. The favorite place of all boors is the crowd. And where else can you enjoy disturbances as much as in the crush of traffic during rush hour? There you pushed, here - you. And as a result, for example, we have a heatedly screaming woman who throws out her anger at everyone who tries to argue with her. And God forbid you surpass her in this honed skill.
3. Clinic. Government agency, where you absolutely need to stand in line, also knows daring people. This could be an impudent person who will try to skip the line. But then he will receive a good verbal thrashing from the people waiting in line, among whom boors may also be hiding.
4. Places of study. Adolescence is famous for the “painful” growing up of children. How is it shown? Sassy phrases against teachers, bickering in lessons at school, lyceums. Teenagers can't give objective assessment what's happening. It seems to them that they already know everything, and adults are a little behind them. Unfortunately, rudeness and impudent phrases in the lessons of high school students are quite commonplace. The teacher can put the student in his place, gaining authority in his eyes, or not pay attention to what he “outgrows” by itself.
Daring phrases and expressions: examples
- And it’s true that we are all interested in speculating on topics that don’t concern us at all.
- You shouldn't expect any good from a person who is difficult to cheer up.
- I know that crooks achieve success, but not because of their own intelligence, as they believe, but because of the gullible people around them. And to lie, you don’t need intelligence. Working honestly is a skill.
- I’m terribly embarrassed to tell you this, but I’m not at all interested in how I look in your eyes, forgive me. I look great in mine, and that's enough.
- What is the level of development, so are the interests.
- You are so low in communication that, frankly, you are not even visible on the horizon.
- Please continue. When you say things like that, I feel so smart.
- Sorry, but you smell a bad odor coming from your mouth.
- Maybe I can bring you another drum?
- With such tirades you can only stand in the corner.
- If you are angry, then you yourself know that you are wrong.
- IN in this case your emotions are not identified with the conclusions of your thinking.
- If you don't like me, I allow you to go underground.
Sassy phrases for girls
If a girl does not want to communicate with a guy, but cannot get rid of his pestering, or vice versa, she is struggling with his rudeness, perhaps she should use some phrases.
For example:
- Your time in my life is over. Hand in your pass and head out.
- If you fell in love with me, it's your mistake, all you can achieve is my smile.
- Dear, you are right - there have never been people like you, there are no more and there is no need.
- What I should do, I know, it’s written in the Constitution. The rest is up to me as I want.
- I'm doing great, so I have nothing to please you with.
- Aren't you the one who starred in the movie "Clowns"?
- I'm not picky, just the best is enough for me.
What about the guys?
Not only girls suffer from annoying boors. Let's look at some sassy phrases for guys. They can use these statements in response to the rudeness of their peers:
- You're not beautiful enough to be rude to me.
- If you say that, then most likely you have a spare jaw in your pocket.
- Kiss me on the run, I'm standing behind a tree.
- Maybe you're the one beautiful girl in our area, but I’m also interested in communicating with smart people.
So, the first foundation has been laid. Now you know how to respond to rudeness. But under no circumstances should you parry these statements in front of an innocent person. Otherwise you will find yourself in the role of a boor.
Are you sure you know everything about healthy relationships? We offer several tough but apt theses about what it means to love. We will help you understand the relationship between the sexes and get rid of suffering. We'll tell you who you shouldn't tolerate, how to become attractive to men, and what the key to being happy is. family life. Relationships not working out? It's time to learn the rules better.
Illustration: Sasha Kharitonova
15 Tough Quotes About Love
1. Nobody likes people who do not have a core, and therefore bend all the time. Do you want to be significant? Tired of feeling useless? Clearly indicate to your partner your desires, principles and boundaries; he should know who is in front of him. Bitchy ladies are attractive because they clearly understand what they want, what they won’t tolerate, and what to order for breakfast.
2. All the difference between healthy relationships and neurotic attachment lies in the partners’ priorities. Those who love boldly put themselves first, neurotics often act to their detriment, pushing their “I” into the back drawer.
3. The only criterion by which you should look for a partner for life is whether the person is attractive or not? If you worry about him next to him, after a meeting you think about him, and when you live together you worry and care, this is it! Love is catchy, the rest of the requirements are in the firebox.
4. Modesty is not decorative. If you want to die an old maid, having lived your life with ten cats instead of sex, continue to develop complexes and tell how terrible you are. Do you want to start a family and the best man– don’t skimp on talking about your merits. Your attitude towards yourself, as in a mirror, is transmitted to others.
5. It’s stupid to measure love by the amount of suffering you’ve experienced; real feeling is how happy you are with each other. It’s one thing to deal with real problems, it’s another thing to suck tragedies out of thin air, chasing after alcohol, weed or the dark novels of Kafka.
6. A woman who has everything in order in her head does not think about how to get married as quickly as possible.. The idea of urgent marriage and childbearing is a clear indicator of dissatisfaction, and internal insufficiency has never led to happiness. Remove the importance of the goal, stop devaluing yourself.
7. Excessive immersion in the world of another, fixation on a partner and his dreams means that the person himself is empty inside, has no interests or aspirations. Alas.
8. You shouldn’t go to bed with someone who has more problems than you, you risk drowning and not getting out.
9. Women's mistake troubled relationships- not a man who is a goat, but a diligent search for just such a partner with whom you can suffer to your heart's content, satisfying the deep need for the realization of neuroses. That is, it is not the partner himself with his complexes who is to blame, but the lady’s habit of choosing the wrong men.
10. Don't like your partner's behavior? Stop making excuses for him and put an end to it. Suffering will not change the situation if a person is not ready to meet you halfway, treats you like a pig - there is nothing to catch with him. For healthy person such a signal is a reason to reel in fishing rods, for a neurotic it is an incentive to completely lose oneself in love.
11. Constant concessions in relationships, the habit of sacrificing your comfort for the sake of your family is a direct road to the hospital. The key to a happy relationship lies in a stable psyche, the ability to openly discuss problems and look for solutions, but not in endless compromises.
12. You must have character. You can’t tolerate what you don’t like; you need to learn to talk about your preferences, feelings and moods. Otherwise, there will be resentment, omissions, unjustified expectations and inevitable separation.
13. Do you want to help your partner, improve his qualities, change his attitude? Then start working with your head. It is difficult to positively influence another, to demand understanding and respect from a person, while remaining a real psycho.
14. Loneliness is a lifestyle that is expressed in a lack of interest in oneself and external passivity. Dependency on relationships - too personal choice everyone. The only time when we depend against our will – childhood.
15. How to find your person and build happy relationship? You don't need any special tricks, just be yourself. They love us for who we are, for our inner content, the rest are pleasant bonuses.
At a time when many traditional rules of upbringing by modern parents are questioned and rejected, we can also observe the other side of this process - the loss of parental authority. In an attempt to become only a friend to their children, parents cease to fulfill their primary tasks - to guide, protect and set rules. And for this they must be the main ones in the family, and children must take their demands and conditions into account.
David Eberhard is the author of the book “Children in Power. Monstrous fruits of liberal education” - I am convinced that the family cannot be a democratic institution, and liberal education, based on overprotection and fear of causing psychological trauma to the child, does not prepare children for real life. This threatens that children grow up terribly ill-mannered, but in adulthood they often give up at the slightest difficulty.
Zeit: When was the last time you were in a restaurant with your children?
David Eberhard: Just recently. Why are you asking?
Zeit: Because the owners of establishments in Stockholm are fed up with children who don’t know how to behave. One cafe even banned entry for families [with children]. And this is in child-loving Sweden.
Eberhard: I understand perfectly well what you are talking about. There are always children who yell, spill drinks, rush around the room, or open the front door wide when the temperature is minus five degrees. Parents sit nearby and don’t even think about interfering.
“Zeit”: Why then don’t others reason with the children?
Eberhard: Nobody dares to do this. Parents find it very unpleasant when their children are criticized. Previously, our society was a society of adults. There were common values regarding issues of education. If a child behaved indecently, they approached him and said: stop it! There is no such consistency anymore. We, adults, are now responsible not for each other, but only for our children.
Zeit: Your new book “Children in Power” will be published in German in a few weeks. In it you argue that liberal education as a method has failed. Why?
Eberhard: Because parents no longer act like responsible adults. They believe that they must be their children's best friends. They put themselves on the same level as their children, not daring to contradict them or set boundaries. They no longer make any decisions, but want to be as cool, advanced rebels as their children. Now our society consists only of teenagers.
Zeit: Do you really believe that German parents allow their children to dictate where to go on vacation, what to eat and what to watch on TV?
Eberhard: Many people recognize themselves in this portrait. Parents are reluctant to externalize their problems with upbringing. They say: everything is fine with us, this is not about us! However, their conscience constantly gnaws at them because they believe that they are doing many things wrong. They come home from work tired in the evening and cook what the child likes, because they don’t want to get into discussions with him. They allow him to sit in front of the TV for longer than the agreed upon time in order to have some peace. They spend their holidays somewhere where the children will be busy, although without children they would never set foot there. I'm not saying it's wrong. All I'm saying is that a parent's life should not revolve only around the child. There is no scientific evidence that this has any positive effect on the future of children, that they become more successful or carefree in adulthood.
David Eberhard hosted me for an interview in his apartment in the center of Stockholm. A budgie is chirping, the children are still at school and kindergarten. David takes out four books he has written from the bookcase. His favorite topics are education, society's desire for security, and adults' obsession with security. The Swedish edition of his new book shows his son wearing a reflective vest and helmet, strapped into a child's car seat. He came straight from his clinic to talk. He is the leading psychiatrist in a team of 150 employees, his third wife is a nurse.
Zeit: You yourself have six children. Who makes the rules in the family?
Eberhard: I am.
Zeit: And there are no democratic family structures?
Eberhard: I don't think that the family should be a democratic institution at all. Relationships between adults and children are always asymmetrical. This is the relationship between master and student. One teaches, the other listens. Parents can assess circumstances better because they have more experience and know more. They should set the rules.
Zeit: How do you manage to raise your own children in a strict and authoritarian manner in the midst of liberal Swedish society?
Eberhard: I can't be too different from other parents, otherwise my children will get into trouble. And militant authoritarianism would not have been allowed to me.
“Zeit”: So you have to control yourself?
Eberhard: Oh well (laughs). And my other readers think that I want a return to military education, back to corporal punishment. I've never written anything like this. I have never hit children.
“Zeit”: In Germany there is now a lot of discussion about the Pope’s statement about the acceptability of light spanking as a method of education. In your book, you write that there is no evidence that children raised strictly, including those who were beaten, have a worse life later. How close are you to the Pope's opinion?
Eberhard: I completely disagree with him on this issue. What I am talking about is that it is important for children that they are raised in such a way as to correspond to the values and norms of the society in which they live. For children who grew up in a society where such blows are accepted as the norm, they are not so [mentally] traumatized. But parents in the West are now afraid of everything, believing that even the slightest criticism can traumatize the child. They no longer consider it necessary to tell their daughter during puberty: don’t eat so much chocolate, otherwise you will get fat, because they are afraid that the girl will immediately go to the other extreme, even to the point of anorexia. At the same time, we may well demand something from children, they will withstand it. Don't treat them like porcelain dolls.
Eberhard deals with parental fears in detail in the book. Although there are hardly any serious dangers for young families today, new fears are emerging. Eberhard uses many examples to show the contradictions of modern parents. He provokes them, wants to encourage them to think about their behavior. He takes his conclusions from many international studies. For example, to strengthen children's resilience, Eberhard says, they need to be taught how to cope with adversity from an early age.
“Zeit”: Where does the fear of harming a child with upbringing and strictness come from?
Eberhard: I have the impression that parents owe this to specialists.
“Zeit”: ... that is, people like you?
Eberhard: I tell parents that they shouldn't read too many different advisors.
“Zeit”: Just your book, that’s enough.
Eberhard: I can be blamed for this. But, for example, John Bowlby, whose theory of attachment is considered unquestionable, is often interpreted by experts too freely. This leads to parents thinking that they would harm their children if they sent them to nurseries too early, where they would spend more time with the teacher than with the mother. But I have never seen a single child who was more attached to the teacher than to the mother.
“Zeit”: Dane Jesper Juul gathers entire halls in Germany for his reports on authenticity and partner-like treatment of a child.
Eberhard: Oh, if I wanted, it would soon happen to me too!
Zeit: How do you explain the success of Yuul?
Eberhard: He appeared at the right moment and headed straight into this educational vacuum. Nobody wants authoritarian upbringing anymore, as well as an analogue of the “invisible hand of the market”, which itself will raise the child. No one wants to listen to their own parents, and relying only on intuition seems too frivolous. Jesper Juul says very simple things. Some are reasonable, others not so much. His first book, “The Competent Child,” was sold without a single recommendation; parents didn’t care. And suddenly everyone started talking about the fact that a child should not only be punished, but also praised.
“Zeit”: You can’t praise?
Eberhard: Yes, and it’s not just Juul who says that. If my daughter wants to show me her drawing, then the most I can do is say: Oh, drawing! How interesting! Did you become happy by drawing a picture? But this is wrong communication, I’m not like that, why should I pretend? Parents must carefully select each word before pronouncing it to their child. Just so as not to shame him, deprive him of self-confidence or expose him to the pressure of competition. The problem with experts is their moralizing. They tell parents what to do and what not to do. Parents, in search of guidelines, absorb dogmas and ideologies, which are not so easy to get rid of later.
Eberhard judges parenting experts harshly, although he does not say that parents cannot learn something from them. Expertise is too often based on personal opinions and common sense, things that parents can figure out for themselves. The important thing is that no one can be an expert in their own home. Only parents without children are first-class specialists.
Zeit: German parents dream of Büllerby or Lönneberg.
Eberhard: Yes, and the Swedes are still madly in love with the story of Astrid Lindgren and all these idyllic pictures. But think about how the children in these books grew up. They wander back and forth all day, unattended, without helmets or sun hats. Michel tied his little sister Ida to the top of the flagpole. And Lotta from Krachmacher Street rode with her brothers and sisters on the roof of a Volkswagen Beetle. Now all this has become completely unthinkable. Today, parents and the juvenile affairs office (Jugendamt) mutually keep each other at gunpoint. At my son's preschool, all children are required to wear helmets when sledding!
Zeit: What's wrong with wanting to protect children?
Eberhard: Overprotective. If we want this competent child, he must be allowed to go to school alone. At the age of six, a child is already capable of this, even in a city with a lot of traffic. Parents do not allow this, but at the same time invite the child to make decisions or discuss every issue on an equal basis with adults. Many adults act in contradictory ways, completely unaware of what stimulates the child, promotes development, and what is an unnecessary burden.
Zeit: What consequences does this have?
Eberhard: We don't prepare children well for adulthood, fooling them into thinking that nothing bad will ever happen to them, that we always exist for them, that they are the navel of the earth. In my psychiatric clinic, I meet young people who come to me because, for example, their girlfriend broke up with them due to the death of their dog. They have difficulty coping with normal experiences.
“Something is wrong” - this is Eberhard’s frequent expert conclusion in practical work. Parents sought medical answers to their helplessness. And they accepted the diagnosis - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder - with relief, because they received an explanation for the child’s behavior, and could no longer blame themselves. Parents are amazed that their children are tired, irritated, and hyperactive, but the idea of sending their child to bed early or forbidding their teenager to spend half the night in front of the computer does not occur to them. Eberhard does not skimp on criticism.
Zeit: Germany has long looked to Sweden in terms of child care and equality. Now tell me: finally stop following us!
Eberhard: Because we went too far. We no longer control liberalization, and the topic of equality has become one of the social dogmas. We all send our children to nurseries at the age of one year. Further, mothers and fathers work as equally as possible, as much as possible, and in positions of equal value if possible. No one should be on anyone's tail. Work is the only way to become human. We absorb this from a young age. Parenthood in itself is no longer a value. Parents must immediately decide who stays at home with the child and for how long, and who continues to work.
The phone rings, it's his wife. He must hang out the washed laundry. The youngest son's bedding should dry before evening. He interrupts the interview to take care of household matters.
Zeit: What if a woman decides to stay at home longer?
Eberhard: No woman can afford this anymore. The accusation will be excessive. She will turn into a reactionary, old-fashioned traitor to her sex.
"Zeit": "Hen", the neuter personal pronoun, has become official in the Swedish lexicon. Thus, one should avoid talking about the child as “he” or “she”.
Eberhard: This is child abuse, which fortunately is only practiced in a few children's institutions so far. This leveling approach ignores all scientific knowledge about the biological development of children. We have a huge problem with teenage boys. They can no longer cope with school work on their own because they are no longer treated like boys.
Zeit: Is that why Swedish schools have fallen so low compared to international standards?
Eberhard: Not only for this reason. The problem lies with our teachers. Their authority is negligible. Children do not consider it necessary to obey them, since they do not obey their own parents. As a consequence, a drop in results. According to the Pisa study, Swedish schoolchildren are the leaders in truancy, insulting teachers and vandalism. And don't forget: about self-confidence!
“Zeit”: Typical for children who are constantly in the center of care and attention.
Eberhard: Yes, and these “navel of the earth” children later become adults, and come, for example, to the Swedish television show “Idol”. They are looking for singing talents who will become tomorrow's superstars. And so they come there and can’t sing at all. But they don't even know it. The jury, having recovered from their amazement, asks: did no one ever tell you that you couldn’t sing?
Zeit: Were his parents too cowardly?
Eberhard: They didn't want to hurt the poor child. This is how daring brats grow up, going into the world with a completely distorted picture of their own abilities. Focusing only on the child is not the best parenting method in the world. If this were true, our children would love us more than anyone anywhere else in the world. But that's not true. Once we get old and decrepit, they put us in a nursing home. In other countries, families live together because parents are still valued even in old age.
Cruelty, like any evil, does not need motivation; she just needs a reason.
George Eliot
The thirst for pleasure makes one cruel.
Pierre Buast
Cowardice is the mother of cruelty.
Michel Montaigne
If you have to choose between untruth and rudeness, choose rudeness; but if you have to choose between untruth and cruelty, choose untruth.
Maria Ebner Eschenbach
Who is better to meet in the forest: good wolf or a cruel hare?
Antony Jodorowsky
Seneca
Excessive power always breeds cruelty. This is true of despots, soldiers and lovers.
Etienne Rey
Many lack only the favor of fate to equal the worst in cruelty, ambition, and thirst for luxury. Give them the strength to do everything they want, and you will find out that they want the same.
Seneca
There are many cruel people who are only too cowardly to be cruel.
Friedrich Nietzsche
In matters of state, nothing cruel is useful.
Marcus Tullius Cicero
Cruelty is a product evil mind and often a cowardly heart.
L. Ariosto
Cruelty and fear shake hands with each other.
O. Balzac
Human cruelty is disgusting.
N. Berdyaev
Cruelty to animals is only the first experience for the same treatment of people.
J. Bernardin
The harshest is the one who is soft out of self-interest.
L. Vauvenargues
Cruelty is always the result of fear, weakness and cowardice.
C. Helvetius
Children are cruel to us, but let us note
That grandchildren will be born next,
And grandchildren are a punishment for our children
The torment we endured is behind us.
I. Guberman
Hard-hearted people cannot faithfully serve generous ideas.
V. Hugo
Of all crimes, the most serious is heartlessness.
Confucius
Everything around us is cruel, hostile and unfair. Everywhere barriers are erected against natural impulses, at every step you come across base malice, and you have to defend yourself and defend yourself so as not to be destroyed.
G. Laube
One who has no compassion is cruel.
B. Mandeville
Cruelty is characteristic of laws dictated by cowardice, for cowardice can only be energetic when it is cruel.
K. Marx
Cruelty must be responded to with cruelty. Non-resistance to evil through violence has its own charm, but it plays into the hands of scoundrels.
A. Maurois
To seduce someone who loves us into doing something for which he would be ashamed in front of himself and in front of us is the most cruel act of a cruel person.
F. Nietzsche
The greater the stinginess, the greater the cruelty.
F. Petrarch
Tears do not touch a cruel person, but make them happy.
Publilius Syrus
Any rudeness shocks not only with its cruelty, but also with its senselessness.
N. Roerich
I think that there can be only one quality worse than the hardness of the heart - the softness of the brain.
T. Roosevelt
All cruelty comes from weakness.
Seneca the Younger
Cruelty always stems from heartlessness and weakness.
Seneca the Younger
Cruelty cannot be the companion of valor.
M. Cervantes
Of all types of cruelty, I consider the most hateful to be that which puts on the mask of mercy.
C. Fox