If you fail to forgive your parents, establish warm relationships with them. emotional relationships, understand that parents are not good or bad, but as they are, with all their positive and negative qualities(like all people, like you), you will not be able to increase your self-esteem, you will not be able to treat yourself well, respect yourself. This psychological law . And without good attitude

without respect for yourself (and others), you will not be able to break free from the chains of addiction. As practical exercise

You can suggest making two lists of unfinished problems in relationships with parents (mother and father separately). In the first list, write down everything that your mother (father) said and did to you when you were a child, and that, in your current opinion, did not bring you any benefit and could even harm you. On the second list, list all the things you wish your mother or father would have said and done when you were a child that you think would make your life easier now and would benefit you. First list

shows that you have not fully forgiven your parents, something for which you may still be angry with them. This is what holds you back and contributes to your addiction. You need to get rid of it if you want to escape the trap of addiction. In the second list

lists all the things you still expect from your parents or your partner. It lists all the things you still hope someone else will do for you. You will have to take these worries on yourself or ask loved ones to help you meet these needs. You will remain addicted until the problems on these lists are resolved. It's important to recognize

your feelings of resentment, anger, sadness, pain that you have suppressed, it is important to let them express themselves. True forgiveness does not deny the truth about your feelings.

When your hatred and anger are fully expressed (no need to take your anger out on your parents - you can express your feelings in a letter and then burn it), there will be room for empathy and sympathy. This will make it possible to truly understand your parents, to see them as victims. They did everything they could, they need healing just like you. They also lacked love from their parents, and for them, controlling you is the only way they know how to get love. Show them another one. Become a biographer for your parents - this is good way establishing emotional intimacy. Ask your parents about their past, take an interest in their current lives - separation anxiety is treated precisely by emotional closeness.

When a person achieves a certain degree of independence in his parental family (and it does not matter whether the parents are alive), this necessarily affects in a positive way on all other important relationships.

To separate, you need to accept your parents calmly and no longer be outraged by their mistakes, accept them as they are. Only then can you accept yourself. “Honor your father and your mother, so that your days on earth may be long” (Ex. 20:12), says the commandment, but honor it sincerely, forgiving and letting go of everything negative feelings, establishing a warm emotional connection. Without separating from your parents, it is impossible to connect with your loved one. “And he said: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife” (Matthew 19.5,6.)

Just like your parents, you need to forgive yourself. You can repent, ask for forgiveness from the person you are guilty of, but not forgive yourself and carry this feeling of your sin throughout your life.

To forgive means to let go. If you have not forgiven yourself for something you did wrong to your parents, it also binds you to your parents as if you had not forgiven them. And this connection is not positive; it prevents you from becoming an adult. The Lord forgives us, why don’t we forgive?

How to forgive? Where to begin?

To begin, write therapeutic letters to mom and dad separately, according to the following scheme:

1. What I thank you for
2. Why I apologize
3. Why I forgive you
4. What I thank you for

These are quite painful letters. You need to write them with your soul in order to remember all the negative and positive details of your childhood! Let all emotions remain on paper! After writing, letters can be burned! Of course, don't show it to anyone!

Then I would suggest seeing in the parents - the little girl in mom and the little boy in dad... how did they feel in their childhood? How did you live? Did they have enough attention and love from their parents??

Analyze their childhood to understand that mom and dad loved us as best they could! In the best possible way for them! Everything they could give - they gave! This is the MAXIMUM that they were capable of in their youth, when they raised you! Look at them not through the eyes of a capricious child, but as an ADULT who is able to look at their parents with understanding, sympathy and GRATITUDE!

And the final task:

It's take a photo of yourself as a child and start asking questions.

How are you feeling?

What are you thinking about?

What are you afraid of? What you want?

And most importantly, we write questions right hand, and the answers are on the left! (who is left-handed - vice versa)

This is a task to understand the needs of your inner child! Talk to your little self from the position of the most loving PARENT! Calm him down and give him what he asks for! If you are over 21 years old, then you have every opportunity to take care of the spiritual comfort of your “inner child” AND BECOME AN IDEAL PARENT FOR YOURSELF!!! This is the position of an Adult, mature man! This is responsibility for your life and your happiness! And thanks to your parents for giving YOU the most important gift - THEY GAVE YOU LIFE!!! And just for this fact alone, you can be infinitely grateful!

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting grievances... because when the opportunity arises, they will be remembered!

Forgiveness does not mean accepting what was done to you!

To forgive is to FOREVER let go of the pain from your heart and free your soul from stones to let in the healing energy of love and wisdom!

This is what I wish for you with all my heart!

Children resenting their parents is a phenomenon that occurs in almost every family.

It’s scary to admit, but some even adult children think about this:

• how to teach parents a lesson for insulting them;
• how to take revenge on parents for insult

And only a few think about how to get rid of resentment towards parents, how to forgive parents for offenses (namely, how to forgive parents for children’s offenses).

Why can a person be offended by his parents?

Psychologists identify 3 key reasons why grievances arise:

1. Inability to forgive. Sometimes even religious people It's hard to sincerely forgive. And this is the main reason for the problem in question.
2. The desire to manipulate (consciously or subconsciously). By making someone feel guilty, the person receives a certain benefit.
3. Failure to meet expectations.

Do you have any complaints against your parents? If yes, read this article, and maybe everything will finally fall into place.

Resentment towards parents of adult children: psychology

Many adult children are ready to name dozens of times when their mom and dad did wrong. They think: “I won’t be like them,” “Everything is wrong in my life,” etc. Is it familiar?

Looking ahead, I would like to note that there is no point in being offended by your parents. Furthermore, you have no right to hold a grudge against the people who gave you life. By the way, you will never be able to thank your parents for such a priceless gift - your birth. The only thing you can do is give life to another person.

What do psychologists advise on the topic “Children’s grievances against parents in adulthood”:

1. You shouldn't try to forgive, you should try to understand. You DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE your parents. Instead of constantly replaying grievances against your parents in your head, try to understand them at least a little. Perhaps they did not have a resource (not enough money, there was hard work, little experience, etc.).
2. There is no need to remain silent. Allow yourself to talk openly and honestly with your parents. Do you feel offended? So tell this to mom and dad. Nobody argues “mom and dad are saints, they should be valued, respected and loved,” but first of all they are people, your family. Perhaps, in a frank conversation, facts that you were not aware of will be revealed to you. And then you can return to point No. 1. It is possible that the parents have become wiser and calmer. They may want to admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Give them a chance!
3. Allow your father and mother not to admit their mistakes. Yes, you can often hear “We did everything right, but now we see what an ungrateful child we raised.” Well, it is the parents' right to project their picture of the world. You have your own. Convincing an adult parent is unnecessary. You shouldn't expect your father or mother to change.
4. Learn to understand the language your parents speak to you. Perhaps a constantly nagging mother shows her love in this way, and a constantly criticizing father thereby tries to guide you on the right path (this is how he takes care of you).
5. Allow yourself to be sad for a while, talk to your little self. When a child receives insults from his parents, he is in a state defenseless creature who has no choice. As adults, we can admit our vulnerable feelings, we can feel sorry for our little self and explain to ourselves that we cannot do this with children.

And please don't rush all over conscious life with childhood traumas is like a chicken and an egg! Live calmly and free from resentment. No, well, if you like to feel sorry for yourself, continue, of course, to complain that you were bullied as a child, you were not given money, your mother did not love you, and your father often took the belt. There is always a choice: either leave childhood trauma as an experience, or allow grievances to destroy today’s and future life.

How to forgive grievances against parents?

If you set out to understand how to get rid of children’s grievances against their parents, it would not hurt to find out what such things lead to.

Did you know that resentment against parents:

• block money;
• deprived of peace;
• interfere with building relationships with the opposite sex;
• don't let you be happy;
• cause terrible diseases (): tumors, headaches, skin rashes, stomach ulcers and duodenum etc.

Resentment towards parents leads to other ailments. Do you need it?

Working through resentment towards parents

Do you want to get rid of childhood resentment towards parents? Go for it!

How to let go of a grudge against your parents:

1. Write a letter of grievances to your parents. Take a pen, a piece of paper and write down all your experiences. Should I give this letter to mom and dad? That's your business.
2. Finally learn to love yourself. What does it mean to love yourself? This is to get rid of aggression towards yourself, this is to understand that you are divine creation. In Christianity there is a well-known commandment: “Love God above father and mother, above son and daughter. Love God with all your mind, with all your soul, with all your heart.” The question is, how to love God? If you direct love to heaven, then it turns out that you give your feelings to heaven, if you direct love to the icon, then you bow to creation human hands. A person is closer to God in soul. This is where (into oneself) one should direct love. Loving God means loving yourself as a part of Him.
3. Find out how to forgive parents for childhood grievances from Torsunov. Listen and watch the video “How to work off the karma of relationships with parents”
4. Read it.
5. You know, write this:

Dear mommy!

I accept everything you give me, completely and completely, without exception. I accept it for the full price it cost you and costs me. I will make something out of this for your joy. It shouldn't be in vain. I honor and treasure this, and, if allowed, I will pass it on in the same way as you.

I accept you as my mother and belong to you as your daughter. You are the one I need. You are big and I am small.

Dear Mom! I'm glad you chose dad. You both are the ones I need! Only you!

Once upon a time these lines were dictated to me by a very amazing person- an experienced coach whom I want to thank endlessly for cleansing my (and not only my) soul.

Do you have children's grievances against your parents in your heart? I would like to believe you already know what to do with them!

In conclusion a parable about resentment against parents. Have a handkerchief ready to help hold back the flow of tears.

A parable (or maybe a real story) about FORGIVENESS

“I won’t forgive,” She said. - I will remember.

Forgive me,” the Angel asked her. – Sorry, it will be easier for you.

“No way,” She stubbornly pursed her lips. - This cannot be forgiven. Never.

Will you take revenge? – he asked worriedly.

No, I will not take revenge. I'll be above it.

Do you want severe punishment?

I don't know what punishment would be enough.

- Everyone has to pay for their decisions. Sooner or later, but everyone… - the Angel said quietly. - It's unavoidable.

Yes, I know.

- Then forgive me! Take the weight off yourself. You are now far away from your offenders.

No. I can not. And I don't want to. There is no forgiveness for them.

“Okay, it’s up to you,” the Angel sighed. – Where do you intend to store your grudge?

Here and here,” She touched the head and heart.

- Please be careful- asked the Angel. – The poison of resentment is very dangerous. It can settle like a stone and drag you to the bottom, or it can give rise to a flame of rage that burns all living things.

This is the Stone of Memory and Noble Fury, - She interrupted him. - They are on my side.

And the resentment settled where she said - in the head and in the heart.

She was young and healthy, she was building her life, hot blood flowed in her veins, and her lungs greedily inhaled the air of freedom. She got married, had children, made friends. Sometimes, of course, she was offended by them, but mostly she forgave them. Sometimes she got angry and quarreled, then they forgave her. There were all sorts of things in life, and she tried not to remember her offense.

Many years passed before she heard that hateful word again—“forgive.”

My husband betrayed me. There is constant friction with children. Money doesn't love me. What to do? – she asked the elderly psychologist.

He listened carefully, clarified a lot, and for some reason kept asking her to talk about her childhood. She got angry and brought the conversation back to the present, but it took her back to her childhood. It seemed to her that he was wandering through the nooks and crannies of her memory, trying to examine and bring to light that long-standing resentment. She didn't want this, so she resisted. But he saw it anyway, this meticulous guy.

“You need to cleanse yourself,” he concluded. – Your grievances have grown. Later grievances stuck to them like polyps on a coral reef. This reef has become an obstacle to the flow vital energy. Because of this, you have problems in your personal life and things are not going well with your finances. This reef has sharp edges that will hurt your tender soul. Various emotions have settled and become entangled inside the reef, they poison your blood with their waste products, and this attracts more and more settlers.

Yes, I feel something like that too,” the woman nodded. – From time to time I become nervous, sometimes I feel depressed, and sometimes I just want to kill everyone. Okay, we need to clean up. But as?

Forgive that first, most important offense, the psychologist advised. “There will be no foundation and the reef will crumble.”

Never! – the woman jumped up. – This is a fair insult, because that’s how it all happened! I have the right to be offended!

Do you want to be right or happy? – asked the psychologist. But the woman did not answer, she simply got up and left, taking her coral reef with her.

Several more years passed. The woman was again at the reception, now with the doctor. The doctor looked at the pictures, leafed through the tests, frowned and chewed his lips.

Doctor, why are you silent? – she couldn’t stand it.

Do you have any relatives? - asked the doctor.

My parents died, my husband and I are divorced, but there are children and grandchildren too. Why do you need my relatives?

You see, you have a tumor. “Right here,” and the doctor showed on the photograph of the skull where she had the tumor. – Judging by the tests, the tumor is not good. This explains your constant headaches, insomnia, and fatigue. The worst thing is that the neoplasm has a tendency to rapid growth. It's increasing, that's what's bad.
- So what, am I going to have an operation now? – she asked, growing cold with terrible forebodings.

No,” and the doctor frowned even more. - Here are your cardiograms for Last year. You have a very weak heart. It seems that it is squeezed on all sides and is not able to work at full capacity. It may not survive surgery. Therefore, first you need to treat the heart, and only then...

He didn’t finish speaking, and the woman realized that “later” might never come. Either the heart won’t stand it, or the tumor will crush.

By the way, your blood test isn't very good either. Hemoglobin is low, leukocytes are high... I will prescribe you medicine,” said the doctor. – But you also have to help yourself. You need to put your body in relative order and at the same time mentally prepare for the operation.

But as?

Positive emotions, warm relations, communication with family. You will fall in love eventually. Look through the photo album and remember your happy childhood.

The woman just smiled wryly.

Try to forgive everyone, especially your parents,” the doctor unexpectedly advised. – This greatly relieves the soul. In my practice, there have been cases when forgiveness worked wonders.

Oh really? – the woman asked ironically.

Imagine. There are many auxiliary tools in medicine. Quality care, for example... Caring. Forgiveness can also be a medicine, free of charge and without a prescription.

Forgive.

Or die.

Forgive or die?

Die but not forgive?

When choice becomes a matter of life and death, you just need to decide which way you are looking.

Headache. My heart ached. “Where will you keep your grudge?” "Here and here." Now it hurt there. Perhaps the resentment had grown too much, and she wanted more. She decided to displace her owner and take over her entire body. The stupid resentment did not understand that the body could not stand it and would die.

She remembered her main offenders - those from childhood.Father and mother, who were either working or arguing all the time. They didn't love her the way she wanted. Nothing helped: neither A's and certificates of merit, nor fulfillment of their requirements, nor protest and rebellion. And then they separated, and each started a new family, where there was no place for her. At the age of sixteen she was sent to a technical school in another city, given a ticket, a suitcase with things and three thousand rubles for the first time, and that’s all - from that moment she became independent and decided: “I won’t forgive!” She carried this resentment within herself all her life, she swore that the resentment would die with her, and it seems that this is coming true.

But she had children, she had grandchildren, and a widower, Sergei Stepanych, from work, who tried to care for her ineptly, and she didn’t want to die. Well, the truth is - it was too early for her to die! “We must forgive,” she decided. “At least try.”

“Parents, I forgive you for everything,” she said uncertainly. The words sounded pitiful and unconvincing. Then she took paper and pencil and wrote: Dear parents! Dear Parents! I'm not angry anymore. I forgive you for everything.

My mouth felt bitter, my heart sank, and my head hurt even more. But she, squeezing her pen tighter, stubbornly, over and over again, wrote: “I forgive you. I forgive you". There was no relief, only irritation rose.

Not like that,” the Angel whispered. – The river always flows in one direction. They are the elders, you are the youngest. They were there before, you were there later. It was not you who gave birth to them, but they who gave birth to you. They gave you the opportunity to appear in this world. Be grateful!

“I’m grateful,” the woman said. “And I really really want to forgive them.”

Children have no right to judge their parents.

Parents are not forgiven.

They ask for forgiveness.

For what? – she asked. -Have I done anything bad to them?

You did something bad to yourself. Why did you keep that grudge inside of you? What do you have a headache about? What stone do you carry in your chest? What poisons your blood? Why does your life not flow like a full-flowing river, but flow in feeble streams? Do you want to be right or healthy?

Is it really all because of resentment towards parents? Was she the one who ruined me?

“I warned you,” the Angel reminded. – Angels always warn: don’t save, don’t wear, don’t poison yourself with grievances. They rot, stink and poison all living things around. We warn you! If a person chooses to be offended, we have no right to interfere. And if it is in favor of forgiveness, we must help.

Can I still break this coral reef? Or is it too late?

It’s never too late to try,” the Angel said softly.

But they died a long time ago! There is no one to ask for forgiveness now, so what can we do?

You ask. They will hear...

Or maybe they won't hear. In the end, you are not doing this for them, but for yourself.

Dear parents,” she began. - Forgive me, please, if something is wrong... And in general, forgive me for everything.

She spoke for a while, then fell silent and listened to herself. There are no miracles - my heart aches, my head hurts, and there are no special feelings, everything is as always.

“I don’t believe myself,” she admitted. - So many years have passed...

Try differently, - advised the Angel. - Become a child again.

How?

Get down on your knees and address them as you did in childhood: mom, dad.

The woman hesitated a little and sank to her knees. She cupped her hands, looked up and said: “Mom. Dad". And then again: “Mom, dad...”. Her eyes opened wide and began to fill with tears. “Mom, dad... it’s me, your daughter... forgive me... forgive me!” Her chest was shaken by approaching sobs, and then tears flowed in a stormy stream. And she kept repeating and repeating: “Forgive me. Please forgive me. I had no right to judge you. Mother, father…".

It took a long time before the flow of tears dried up. Exhausted, she sat straight on the floor, leaning against the sofa.

How are you – asked the Angel.

Don't know. I don't understand. “I think I’m empty,” she answered.

Repeat this daily for forty days,” said the Angel. - Like a course of treatment. Like chemotherapy. Or, if you want, instead of chemotherapy.

Yes. Yes. Forty days. I will.

Something was pulsating, tingling and rolling in hot waves in my chest. Maybe it was reef debris. And for the first time in for a long time Absolutely, well, just nothing, my head didn’t hurt.

I dedicate this article to my mother!

My dear, the best mother in the world, thank you for existing!

Your daughter =

Forgiveness of parents: comments from psychologists

Is it possible to force yourself to forgive: a commentary on.

Believing psychologists comment on the article , which caused complex feelings among a number of readers. The author slightly supplemented the article later; comments were written for the first version.

Natalya Kazanskaya, logotherapist, consulting psychologist: There are different imperfections

We are all raised by imperfect parents and, in turn, become imperfect parents, but this “imperfection” can be very different. In one case it may be a case of parents who overdid it in forcing a child to study music, in another it may be a case of abuse that caused serious harm to the child. The path to forgiveness can also be very different in these cases.

It's not easy for me to read texts where psychological issues mixed with questions of faith. I proceed from the fact that the psychotherapist bases his work on specific theories and uses specific tools; but how God acts in the human soul always remains a mystery. God can really help us accomplish what we cannot accomplish on our own—this also applies to forgiveness. But this does not mean at all that I can “command” to myself: “Since you are a Christian, that means you must forgive!” That's not how it works.

If we talk about psychotherapy, then when a person learns to treat himself with compassion and empathy, he gradually heals from old wounds and grievances; the process of healing goes hand in hand with the process of forgiveness. But this long haul, which often requires attentive and careful support. Unfortunately, attempts to say that “recipes exist” (although the author does not say this directly) and that “everything was written a long time ago” may sound to someone like a recommendation “you shouldn’t treat yourself as the center of the world.” And such an approach can sometimes not only not bring you closer to forgiveness, but also aggravate already difficult experiences.

Marina Filonik, psychotherapist:
We cannot forgive by force of will

Confusing:
1. Of the first five examples, four are negative and one is positive, and this fifth one ispriest. The hint is that if we are Christians, then we must... But this is notSo. Either I misunderstood the author, but for me it’s like ideologization. Faith andeven churchgoing is not supposed to relieve childhood traumas, and certainly notheal automatically. I can agree more about personal maturity, but ithas nothing to do with religion.

2. The problem with the text, it seems to me, is that it mixes the right things andthings are ambiguous, and when it is a mixture, it is very difficult to separate the grains fromchaff For example, there is a fair thought about the causes of problems from childhood. But sheit is immediately disputed, and this seems to be not bad either, I want to think about freedomsubject. But behind this lies, as I hear, a devaluation of the truth of experiencesthose people about whom we're talking about at first. Like, all these great ones of yours are nonsensesuffering, God gave everything to you and gave it in abundance. And it's your choice what you do- continue to suffer or grow older. In my neurosis it sounds: “What are youwhining, got up and went!” And it seems that this is also true (literally), but it’s not enough to me personally:

a) recognition of the truth of pain and the right to this pain,

b) ways to healing not through one’s own strength,

c) love for man (“we are called to find the likeness of God, but how can we find it withoutpainful crucifixion of yourself and your desires, without asking God to heal and cleanseus, the nasty and inferior ones? — for me this text is not about love for a person).

And then, as a reader, my feeling of guilt can only intensify, because I have everything, God gave me everything, and I, such a nasty thing, am stuck in my resentment towards my mother. And methen this makes it even worse and you want to get drunk out of grief, and not pray for salvation...

If we talk about the issues raised differently, I would say what I more than once spoke and wrote : discover all this garbage in yourself (yes, there is unforgiveness in me,there is resentment in me, yes, I myself can’t do anything about it, I’m dying, and I’m inI don’t want this for myself) and crawl to God as you are (even if it seems that youugly, but that's not true, because you are God's favorite child) and say,in whatever words we have, because we simply don’t have any others:

- Lord, here I am! And it seems to me that I’m terrible... And I’m offended by my mother, becauseshe did so much evil (tell God about it - right to his face), and against you,Lord, I’m offended because “the wife you gave me” did all this... AndI hate myself, and I don’t like my mother, and I’m angry with You - here I stand before You,there is no love in me, because love is Your gift. But look at me...

And then anything can happen. But just bring to the Father everything that you have, ask Him to enter your heart and change it, because you yourself cannot change it. And inthis a big difference(in the text there is a message, they say, take it and change yourself,you free will and God gave you everything, and this gives rise to guilt. But you yourselfYou can’t if at 50 you have the same grievances towards your mother...).

But I would also like to support the author: an important problem is being raised, because the fact is that we have heaps of grievances that have been sitting for decades. And yes, the understanding that parents are also imperfect,like yourself, very important. And yes, you have to grow up, it frees you from resentment, onlyThe question is: how to grow up? But this is the topic of another article or even a three-volume book.

Yes - gratitude is a great thing, and this is also about growing up.

Is it easier for Christians - it should be, but how is it in practice? I’m not sure that if we conduct a study among believers and non-believers and calculate the percentage of those offended andforgiven, there will be significant differences. But maybe I'm wrong, I wish I couldbe wrong. It is definitely “easier” for a Christian if he has a personal relationship with Christ.

Natalia Skuratovskaya, psychologist, psychotherapist:
Some observations are correct, others are not.

Ambiguous text. Catechism and popular psychology mixed together,declarative phrases and some correct observations and conclusions...

Point by point, then:

1. There are no ideal parents - and the common thesis is that psychotherapy is neededeveryone who has or had parents has certain grounds.But the spread of this idea widely. adv. masses led to the fact that in allpeople blame childhood traumas for life problems, forgetting that they alreadyold enough to adopt and re-educate themselves, if onlythere is a need. Therefore, the conclusion “When we are adults, we have everything to work onmyself" seems true and productive to me (perhaps because II usually say about the same thing).

2. Too much “Orthodox mythology” mixed with those typical of ourschurch subculture prompts the reader to self-depreciate: “cleanse us,nasty and inferior”, “You yourself are very bad, you harm others even without Godyou will perish” (“samaduravinovata” is the last thing you should say to a person,who doesn’t find the strength to change his life... doesn’t motivate, it’s better hereI would like to remember that you yourself are potentially good, and God is not for youcreated), “This work is much easier for Christians” (yeah, especially inmodern church empirics with all its distortions).

3. “It is appropriate to talk about forgiveness of parents, who are just as damaged people as we are” - this topic is quite resourceful, if a person manages to realize and feel this, the problem of “childhood trauma” is half solved.

4. Well, the biblical ending evokes mixed feelings... I have come across such stories that all that remained was to explain to victims of parental violence what to “honor” in in this case may mean, for example, providing acceptable physical comfort in a helpless old age, and love for torturers is a super task for those who have achieved holiness. And respect is not an obligation, but a consequence of a person’s actions, and it is not necessary to feel guilty about its absence.

From the editor. If you managed to forgive your parents or mend previously difficult relationships, send stories about the path you have taken. Best stories we will publish.

Childhood ended someday, but the memories remained. Some people associate childhood as a bright, golden, serene time, the happiest. And others have memories of childhood as the most unpleasant period in their lives. For each of us, childhood is its own wonderful or terrible world, the one that our parents gave us, and we simply did not know the other.

Children's grievances against parents

Childhood flies by quickly, but grievances remain for a long time. It just so happens that we often blame our parents for all “mortal” sins. No matter how old we are, if we take offense at our “ancestors,” we, in essence, remain children. We reproach them for everything, and the main and main complaint is that mom and dad loved incorrectly, not as we would have liked. And how much we would like, sometimes we ourselves don’t fully know.

We go to school, learn to read and write, but we are not taught the most important thing - life. Nobody taught our old people what kind of mother and father they should be so that the children would not be offended later. Of course, unfortunately, there are some parents whom you can’t even call mom or dad. Fortunately there are not many of them.

Underreceived parental love, or vice versa, excessive care leaves a deep mark in our heart. But constantly returning to mental wounds, we simply do not allow them to heal. Yes, mom and dad didn’t teach them to be independent, but who taught them? They overprotected you or weren’t strict enough with you, they couldn’t insist that you get an education. They didn't teach me how to live. Everyone, of course, has their own complaints. Sometimes we try to shift all our mistakes and failures onto the shoulders of our parents. Sometimes, spending more than a dozen years on this, we blame everything bad that happens to us on those who brought you into the world. And so it happens that the suffering we experience becomes the meaning of our so short life.

Live your life

What could be easier than doing your own own life? We will never go back to childhood and change nothing. We must finally pacify the touchy teenager within us. You have already grown up, live adulthood. Stop criticizing your parents. Life is short and they don’t have much left. Imagine them ordinary people. Parents are not born. Each person has his own strengths and weaknesses, just like your old people. Say goodbye to your childhood dream of having perfect parents.

Forgive and you will feel better

Try to imagine yourself in your mom's place, then in your dad's place. What would you do in their place? By being able to understand the motives behind their behavior, you may be able to forgive them. The main thing is to realize that you will not have other parents. Try to rebuild relationships with your loved ones without taking offense. The suffering will go away, and you will look at your old people with different eyes.

We must forgive those who have hurt us and forgive ourselves for all the times we didn't listen to our intuition or made decisions out of hopelessness, as well as for everything we blame ourselves for. Ariel Ford

Before we forgive and let go of the offense, leave it in the past, let's think about why it arises in order to become wiser in the future. A feeling of resentment, and with it pain, sadness, or anger, anger, or a desire for revenge, cause unfulfilled expectations.

And all because we give someone the right to manage ourselves and plan our life, bear responsibility for its well-being, the opportunity to make us happy or unhappy.

The offender may be stranger or close, dear and most beloved. By the way, the people who can most offend us are the people we attach special meaning, which means we expect a lot from them. As a rule, it is not difficult to express your resentment towards unimportant people, for example, strangers on the street. The most remarkable thing is that it is more difficult to express resentment or even admit it ourselves in relation to people with whom we want to maintain peaceful relations, or they are authorities for us.

What happens in this case? Not felt or expressed negative emotions directed at the person himself. In psychology, this condition is called auto-aggression, i.e. a person blames himself for everything, which, naturally, has a very bad effect on self-esteem and the ability to be successful. In such a situation, it is correct to talk about your feelings, intentions and expectations, without expecting that the offender will guess about them himself.

What caused the offense? Every adult lives with his own “map, plan” for the structure of the world in his head. It is assumed, for example, that people should respond with kindness with kindness. Only after this does good cease to be good if expected reciprocal good. This is firstly, and secondly, resentment arises from betrayal. Our interests are being betrayed, but by whom? First of all, by yourself, no matter how painful it may be to realize it. If we assume that you shift the sacred responsibility of making yourself happy to another person, and in return he must do everything for your happiness and well-being, then isn’t it better to immediately take care of your own needs? Feeling happy, a person attaches much less importance to what the other will do in response.

As he says Paulo Coelho “Children renounce their dreams in order to please their parents, parents renounce life itself in order to please their children.”. And who is happy in the end?..

Let's say you doubt that you can make yourself happy and convey this honorable duty to another person, the one you “made happy.” It’s a little strange, isn’t it, to be able to make someone happy and yet not be able to make yourself happy. It turns out that if you can make someone happy, then you can certainly make yourself happier.

Therefore, let us ourselves be the owners, creators and healers of our own happiness, not trusting it in someone else’s hands, even the kindest ones. When doing a good deed for someone, the most important thing is to feel joy that we can help someone else (even better if he asked for help himself), and not hope to receive something in exchange. If not positive emotions, if when we say “yes” to someone, we say “no” to ourselves, then why do it? Out of fear that they will be offended? Out of fear of missing out on something valuable?.. Out of a sense of duty?

If you are afraid to refuse for fear of offending, you will most likely remain offended. By saying “yes” out of fear of missing out on opportunities, you are doing it to the detriment of your interests, which means you are really missing out on something valuable in exchange for dubious expectations. And lastly, a person’s most important duty to himself is to be happy, following his own life path, do as his heart tells him. Happy people make others happy without making any effort and are not very upset by the occasional ingratitude of others. Mature personality understands that she is not responsible for someone’s emotions, but others are not responsible for what the person himself feels. He is free to act according to his values ​​and moral principles and evaluate his behavior himself, and at the same time gives the same right to others. Or rather, it does not give, rather than denies, their right. Therefore, he does what his heart desires, and first of all he sees joy from the fact that he does not betray himself and his principles. This approach may seem strange to some, but if you think about it, it is the most rational and adequate. When doing a good deed, do it for the sake of goodness itself. When bringing happiness into the life of another person, do it for the sake of the person himself, and not for his response. Because the greatest reward is a feeling of satisfaction with yourself, with your actions. Being the masters and architects of our own happiness, we gain calm confidence in ourselves, we increase self-esteem, feel self-respect and believe in our success in the future.

IN otherwise, we are talking about childish behavior dependent on parents, elders, someone who is more important than himself in his own life, guides his choice of decisions, and, therefore, there is no and cannot be peace of mind and confidence in tomorrow, there are always doubts and hesitations as to whether he did the right thing. After all, his happiness depends on anyone, but not on the person himself.

The habit of reacting with offense to something we don’t like is formed, as a rule, in early childhood when a child cannot, for one reason or another, directly express his needs or satisfy them himself. And the only thing left for him to influence adults is to be offended. In response to insult, adults (most often parents) give positive reaction"care". Subsequently, this behavior becomes a stereotypical form emotional response on life difficulties and appears even when there is no opportunity to receive this care from anyone and is not expected.

If you suddenly happen to be the offender and want to resolve the conflict, ask what exactly they want from you and For what.

To prevent offense on your part, tell us about your desires. People cannot read the minds of others. It is quite possible that the one to whom you are making a request will be happy to satisfy it.

In the event that the offense has already been caused, it is necessary to find out what needs were not satisfied and how they can be satisfied differently. It is not necessarily this person who can help you with this, even if you are not able to satisfy them yourself. There is a way out, the main thing is to let go of the offense and get rid of negative emotions.

What should you do first? Write a letter to your abuser. No, it will not need to be handed over to the recipient. It is written to understand the situation and find solutions. You need to start with the words: “I’ll tell you now something that I’ve never said before.” The text of the letter must include the following four points:

1. This is what you did to me;
2. This is what I had to endure;
3. This is how it affected my life;
4. This is what I expect from you now.

The last point will tell you which needs you need to take care of first.

Until you let go of the past, get rid of the resentment, you will not be able to live life to the fullest present. If necessary, acknowledge that you have experienced a loss, grieve it, forgive the person responsible for your loss, forgive yourself, decide to put the experience behind you and move on. Don't give up on your decision, even if you find it difficult to stick to it. Believe that the experience you have had was necessary and will ultimately benefit you, making you stronger, wiser and more successful. The time will come, and your happiness will be greater than before from a feeling of self-confidence, because you yourself are its creator.

Many of us love and know how to accumulate grievances. The list of our offenders sometimes reaches gigantic proportions. It certainly includes family and friends, friends and colleagues. We are most offended by those we truly love, which is why we are so often angry with our loved ones, parents or children. Sometimes it seems to us that they are to blame for all our problems.
Meanwhile, psychologists consider the principle fair: a person cannot be offended, but a person can allow himself to feel offended. Or maybe, on the contrary, he can allow himself not to feel offended - the choice is only his.

The phenomenon of resentment

Resentment is mental trauma, which occurs as unexpectedly as any physical illness, such as a cold. When we get sick, we begin to heal. And if we are offended, what do we do most often? Instead of restoring peace of mind, we are opening up a mental wound.

At the moment of resentment, we experience stress - biochemical changes spontaneously occur in the body at all levels. The result is an increase blood pressure, disruption of hormonal processes. If stress is tension, then only relaxation can counteract it, with the help of which the body returns to normal. “Replaying” the same thing in my head unpleasant situation, we are destroying health.

The ability to forgive: why is it necessary?

Of course there are deep mental wounds and shocks that take a long and painful time to heal. But, whatever they are, it is in your power to say goodbye to them forever. Wasting time and mental strength to resentment, hatred and anger means taking it away from joy, happiness and health. Happiness is impossible without the ability to forgive, and to love is to forgive. Moreover, the strength of feeling is directly proportional to this ability.

Forgiveness is, in essence, a continuous spiritual cleansing. It's no secret that from emotional state largely depends on physical health. Often physical illnesses arise from a strong psychological blow.

How to learn to forgive?

We can only get rid of the oppression of resentment if we become masters of our destiny. Only then do we begin to understand that our “offenders” are ordinary people to whom nothing human is alien, which means they tend to be mistaken and make mistakes. Our love will help you understand and forgive this.

The ability to forgive is a “secret” weapon that is always with us. It is through forgiveness that you can lift a heavy burden from your shoulders. Offenders most often do not even suspect how the offended suffer, what thoughts they torment themselves with. Therefore, you need to learn to forgive, at least for selfish reasons.

Lessons in Forgiveness

You can’t change anything in the past, but you can change your attitude towards a particular situation. This is the key to forgiveness. Try asking yourself the question: who needs forgiveness? To your offender? He most likely forgot about it long ago. And you, constantly remembering the insult, destroy yourself. This means that this is what you need first of all. How to protect yourself and your health?

The first is to try to take a philosophical view of what happened, to look at the situation from the outside.
The second is to realize that emotions do not arise on their own, but as a result of your thoughts. Try to track them and change them to positive ones.

Positive attitude

Try to reconfigure yourself to be positive. It’s better to switch your attention to something pleasant or useful activity- listen to music, take a bath. In any situation, the main thing is to understand that negative thoughts provoke negative emotions. And if so, then they can and should be controlled.

There is a way to put your thoughts in order: take a piece of paper, divide it into two parts, in one - write down your negative emotions, in the other - the thoughts that provoked these feelings. Throwing out your worries on paper is a proven way to get rid of them.

Forgive without judging

Can everything be forgiven? Most people believe that there are things that cannot be forgiven: murder, violence. However, in this case, you should remember the commandment: do not judge, lest you be judged. We are always subjective. No one knows exactly where the line of justice is. We are inside the situation and cannot find the strength to rise above it. Especially at a time of offense. When we argue whether we can forgive or not, we are already violating a wise commandment.
In such cases, you can remind yourself of the saying of St. John of Kronstadt: “Love the sinner and hate the sin,” - sometimes it is paraphrased as follows: “Hate the sin, but not the sinner.”

Love is the cure for grievances

The best medicine for forgiveness - love. If you love yourself, then love your neighbor. After all, we are all imperfect, which means we tend to make mistakes. We, too, wittingly or unwittingly, offend others. Only love helps not to judge, but to forgive.

How to determine whether you have truly forgiven or not? If you remember an unpleasant situation without emotions, completely calmly, it means you have forgiven. Aerobatics- remember your offender with a smile and mentally wish him well. If something still worries you and touches a nerve, it means that you have not fully forgiven or said goodbye to that situation.

Why is it so hard to forgive

Why is it not always possible to truly forgive? We say to each other: “Please forgive me.” And it’s as if we forgive. But only formally, in words. But deep down, everything remains unchanged.

The problem is that at the moment of offense you experienced a sudden heartache, anger, self-pity and hatred for the offender. In other words, they were offended in heart and soul. And most often you forgive with your head, your mind. This is why unforgiven grudges continue to ruin your life. With your mind you only have to realize and understand why this is necessary, but you can only forgive with your heart.

Set yourself up for forgiveness

To do this, you need to sit down, close your eyes and relax. Try to create a state of resentment. Imagine that you are removing a thorn from your soul. Then imagine the light filling you. You should physically feel that the resentment is leaving your soul. At the same time, some people experience a feeling of heat or chills, while others get goosebumps on their body. This process is quite painful, but the game is worth the candle. As a result spiritual cleansing a feeling of relief and joy sets in.

Hurry to part with grievances and remove their burden from your soul. Then in your life there will be more space for positive emotions! positive emotions.

As a child, her older brother pushed Olga off a bridge into a river so that
she learned to swim. Muscle clamp, in a moment of great fright,
arose in the body, triggered asthma. Only after the girl
forgave my brother for an unconscious offense, letting go of the situation,
She finally got rid of the disease.

Expert: Yaroslav Kolpakov, clinical psychologist, Candidate of Psychological Sciences
Natalia Maksimova, psychologist

Photos used in this material belong to shutterstock.com