Sep 26, 2017

What to dream about. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it Barbara Sher

(No ratings yet)

Title: What to dream about. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it
Author: Barbara Sher
Year: 1994
Genre: Self-improvement, Foreign applied and popular science literature, Personal growth, Foreign psychology

About the book “What to Dream About. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it.” Barbara Sher

Every person should have a dream, and it is better if there are several of them. Only in this case does a person truly live, since he has to constantly move forward to get what he wants. After all, in order for your dream to come true, you need to work hard and hard.

“What to dream about. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it" is a book about how to put things in order in your life. Barbara Sher is quick to say that you need to get your priorities straight. Not all dreams are dreams. For example, the desire to get a delicious cake or go to trip around the world- these are different dreams. We can get a cake without even putting in any effort, but to go traveling we need to work hard.

It’s important not just to dream, but to dream correctly, so that this dream ultimately comes true. You can just dream, or you can break your dream into several small ones and slowly but surely realize them, moving forward.

Barbara Sher gives a lot of examples and also suggests doing exercises, the results of which are sometimes even shocking. The book “What to dream about. “How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it” also has its drawbacks, such as, for example, none of the proposed examples will suit you. Because of this, you will not be able to fully understand your problem and completely solve it.

In fact, psychology is a delicate matter. Somewhere they can help you, tell you how to act, but somewhere you have to understand yourself, draw conclusions and accept your own own solutions. This is exactly how Barbara Sher's psychology works.

In any case, the book “What to Dream About. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it” helps you think about whether you have chosen the right path in life? Barbara Sher writes that you should always listen to yourself. This is the only way to achieve more.

There is a quality that many authors of this kind of literature lack, it’s true. Barbara Sher isn't trying to sugarcoat everything. big amount positive, as many do. Of course, nothing will work out without faith in the best, but you shouldn’t deceive yourself either. It is important to understand reality, to know that failures can happen. There's a lot in life bad situations, which influence the formation of our personalities, and this must be taken into account.

Barbara Sher in the book “What to Dream About. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it” says that you need to dream about something big, but at the same time, each of us has our own obligations, responsibilities, and all this also needs to be done. You can’t completely surrender to your dreams, because you can lose yourself.

The book “What to dream about. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it” is unusual in its directness and truth. There are no recommendations in it about believing, hoping and waiting for the dream to come true, forgetting about everything else that surrounds us. It is important to feel the edge and confidently move towards your happiness.

Published in Russian for the first time.

On our website about books you can download the site for free or read online the book “What to Dream About. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it” by Barbara Sher in epub, fb2, txt, rtf, pdf formats for iPad, iPhone, Android and Kindle. The book will give you a lot of pleasant moments and real pleasure from reading. You can buy the full version from our partner. Also, here you will find the latest news from the literary world, learn the biography of your favorite authors. For beginning writers there is a separate section with useful tips and recommendations, interesting articles, thanks to which you yourself can try your hand at literary crafts.

Quotes from the book “What to Dream About. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it.” Barbara Sher

Freedom is wonderful. But it is also painful...

“... action is absolutely necessary for people who don’t know what they want”

…as writer Richard Ford says: “Everything evil words are the same. They all mean: “What about me?”

If I had to choose just one message that I most want to convey to you, it would be this: Feelings won't kill you, but suppressing them can.

Freedom is wonderful. But it is also painful because it requires us to set our own goals.

Every evening, prepare for a good tomorrow.

The continuation of the bestseller “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful” talks about how to overcome chronic self-criticism and a negative attitude, how to stop waiting for luck and start creating it, how to get off the beaten track, re-believe in “long-forgotten” goals and, finally, decide who you want become. This is very necessary book for those who still don't know what they want from life.

What to dream about. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it

Barbara Sher

I Could Do Anything

If I Only Knew What It Was

How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It

Scientific editor Alika Kalajda

Published with permission from Andrew Nurnberg Literary Agency

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by law firm"Vegas-Lex"

© Barbara Sher, 1994

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. Mann, Ivanov and Ferber LLC, 2015

* * *

This book complements well

Barbara Sher

Dan Waldschmidt

Daria Bikbaeva

In memory of my beloved father Sam Sher.

He lit up our lives

Preface

Not knowing what you want to do in life is a serious matter. It's not nice to not have a goal. In my first book, “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful,” I call achieving what you want a victory and describe how, step by step, to move toward victory and create a life where your cherished dreams will come true. However, for many years now, readers have been contacting me with the words: “I really like your book, but I can’t use it because I don’t have a goal. I just don't know what I want."

I got curious. I decided to find out what the problem of these people was and began meeting with those who could not decide your own desires. They told me their stories, I asked questions, and it soon became clear that all these clients were stuck in internal struggles that they did not even suspect.

It never occurred to them that deep down they know what they want, but their desires are disguised internal conflict. When they learned about the problem, they were very surprised and greatly relieved. All that remained was to develop a plan to circumvent these conflicts, which was surprisingly easy. People woke up to life and took action after one or two meetings!

It was amazing. And I decided to collect all our discoveries and strategies - and combine them in a book so that they are available to everyone who needs help.

Now you are holding this book in your hands.

Are you not doing what you love and not pursuing your dreams because you can’t figure out what exactly you want? I assure you, you are not alone. The problem is common and there is a solution. Once you recognize yourself in the descriptions on these pages, you will immediately be introduced to techniques that can help you. Don't be surprised if you find characteristics that are characteristic of yourself in several chapters at once. Read everything. Most of us are complex, multifaceted creatures, and the exercise that will be your breakthrough could be in any of the chapters.

Working on a book will be a fun, educational, sometimes painful, and often very fun experience. Sometimes it is not easy to understand what is happening inside, but if you do, you will experience a surge of energy and great rewards.

You can do anything if you just find out what exactly you want. And it will happen soon.

Introduction

The purpose of this book is to help you improve your life. When I talk about the good life, I don't mean swimming pools, mansions and private jets - unless you really dream about them. But the reader who is interested in a book called “What to Dream About. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it,” probably not about swimming pools.

You want to truly love your life.

My friend's father explained it perfectly: "A good life is when you get up in the morning and can't wait to start all over again."

Is this the case for you? Or does this idea of ​​the good life seem like an unattainable heavenly ideal? If you don't jump out of bed in the morning excited about the day ahead, I know for sure that you are desperate to find a goal that will make you feel like my friend's father. You crave a job that will give you energy and fill you with enthusiasm. You passionately dream of finding a place where you will leave your mark. Albert Schweitzer found his place, and so did Golda Meir, and the neighbor boy who played the guitar day and night also found it.

Such people know how to live. They believe in their business with all their hearts. They know that their work is important.

When you're around people who have found their calling, you see the sense of purpose on their faces.

Life is too short to live without a goal.

In the early 1980s, two psychologists from Harvard University studied people who considered themselves happy. What did they have in common? Money? Success? Health? Love?

Nothing like this.

They were united by only two things: they knew exactly what they wanted, and they felt that they were moving towards their goal.

That's what a good life is: you have a goal and you go straight to the object of your love.

Yes, I'm talking about love.

It's not about skills and abilities. I don't care what skills you have. Do you know what I could do when I was a single mother with two small children? Clean the house with demonic speed; catch the bus while holding laundry bags, grocery bags and children; squeeze everything possible out of the dollar, so that the portrait of George Washington began to beg for mercy.

Thanks, but I'm not interested in a career that would benefit from these skills.

I don't believe that a good life will come from what you know how to do. It's important that you do what you want to do. Moreover, I believe that skills do not reflect your true talents. We are all good at doing things that don't bring us any pleasure. And everyone has absolutely untapped abilities.

Don't rely on your skills when choosing a direction in life. That's why I'm not going to give personality tests and skills tests to determine what you should do.

I know what you need to do.

The things you love.

You are talented at what you love. Only love will give you the strength and energy to do something as long as it takes to develop your abilities. This is how great achievements are achieved - ordinary people like you or me know what they want and put their all into it.

If you don't know what you want, you can't even get to the starting line - and that's frustrating. But you are not alone. Recent studies have shown that as many as 98 percent of Americans are dissatisfied with their jobs. But it’s not just the financial issue that keeps them in place – they simply don’t know what to do instead. You may have thought of this condition as a personal nightmare, but in reality it is terribly common.

Well, I have a surprise for you.

In reality, you know what you want.

Everyone knows this. That's why you have no peace until you find your way. You feel that you are destined for some specific task. And you're right. Einstein needed to develop physical theories, Harriet Tubman needed to lead people to freedom, and you need to follow your unique purpose. As Vartan Grigoryan said: “There will never be another person like you in the Universe, never in the entire history of mankind.” Each of us is unique. Every person has a unique view of the world, and this originality always wants to express itself.

But something stops many. When we decide to change our lives, pick up the baton and enter the race, something always happens. For some mysterious reason, our resolve is fading. We look at the baton and think: “No, this is not mine.” And we put it aside, worrying that time is running out, that we will never find “our own.”

There are two reasons for this.

First of all, it is very difficult to know what we want because we have so many options to choose from. It wasn't always like this. Our parents and their parents had more limited options and clearer goals. We owe the current freedom in search of life's work to the success of our culture.

Freedom is wonderful. But it is also painful because it requires us to set our own goals.

Did you know that during the war less people suffers from depression? During such periods everything is important. Every day you know exactly what needs to be done. Despite the fear, the struggle for survival provides direction and energy. You don't waste time trying to figure out what you're worth or what you should do with your life. You are just trying to survive, save your home, help your neighbors. We like films about people who find themselves in mortal danger - because every step of the heroes is full of meaning.

And when emergency situations There are no dictating goals; meaningful goals have to be created. It is possible if you have a dream, but we have little experience of this kind.

Secondly, something in us prevents us from realizing your desires. Some internal conflict prevents them from being seen. Determining its essence is not so easy. Often he disguises himself as self-reproach: “Maybe I don’t have any talents. Maybe I'm just lazy. If I were smarter, I would achieve more in life."

And none of these accusations are true.

The first purpose of this book is to shed light on your inner conflict so that you can clearly see its outlines. Having determined what was stopping you, you will immediately understand why you could not arrange your life the way you want. You will stop reproaching yourself. And you realize that your inaction has a reason.

In our culture there are a lot of primitive accusatory myths like: “If you really want something, you will achieve it.” Or: “If you prevent yourself from acting, it means you lack character.” No one asks the obvious question: “Why on earth would a person interfere with himself?” Finding the answer requires curiosity, and people who tend to judge others always lack it.

In the following chapters, we will learn how to relieve these feelings of guilt and replace them with honest and unbiased curiosity. I deeply respect sincere curiosity and have no respect at all for smug confidence in own rightness. You will get useful answers, answers that will help us, if you apply the principle “everything happens for a reason.” Of course, there is a reason why you don't know where to go. This book will help you find it.

For now, just remember: whatever you did before you opened the book, it is not due to laziness, stupidity, or cowardice. Many self-improvement programs, even very useful ones, are often based on the assumption that you did not achieve what you wanted because you did not develop the right way of thinking. They judge you and imply that you need to fix it first.

Now, forget about it.

To truly enjoy your life, you don’t need to become better or change your attitude towards the situation. You are already good enough. Moreover, the smartest thing is to take and get what you want before you start working on yourself. Once on the right path, you will see how the “wrong” way of thinking will miraculously change.

I don't plan to put you into a program that requires you to become a different person. Life is not so simple, and wishful thinking will not achieve anything. I also don't believe that you can solve problems with positive thinking. A system that requires you to artificially change your thoughts and pretend that you are experiencing feelings that are not there is not sustainable enough in the long term. Creative visualization also has limitations. I know many people who cannot visualize and people who experience intense internal conflict even when imagining the things they love. Yes, the idea of ​​“creating your own reality” sounds promising, but there is a downside: if everything goes wrong, you will have something to blame. This is unfair. You are not so omnipotent as to be solely responsible for your own destiny - and there is no such need.

However, you need to understand why you don't know what you want. Once a completely credible explanation is found, something can finally be done about it.

The second purpose of the book is to show exactly how to do this. Each chapter contains tools and strategies to help you stop fighting within yourself whenever you need to, now and in the future.

The first three chapters are intended for all readers. They will shed light on your inner conflict, and you will see its outlines. As soon as general form the problem becomes clear, you can move on to the chapter that offers an action strategy that is right for you.

Understanding what an internal conflict is is not so difficult, because once you learn to listen, you will notice that it is quite noisy. One side is in favor of getting what you want, while the other is determined to keep you. It remains to listen carefully to more loud voice: It will lead to strategies that can help.

You may hear, “I want so many things that I can never choose.” Chapter 6 tells you how to get it all. (She'll also show you how to focus on one thing at a time, if you secretly want that ability.)

What if you are considered very successful, you have a fast career, but you are unhappy? AND inner voice asks: “How can you give up success? How will I live if I do this?” Take a fresh look at your options by turning to Chapter 7.

If you seem to know what you want, but a voice insists: “You can’t want something that is so banal and insignificant,” chapter 8 is for you. Perhaps the problems are rooted in “your tribe” - in family, friends, customs: you want it , which goes against everything you have been taught.

If you have just graduated from school, university or training program and a voice says: “I am afraid to choose - in case I find myself trapped!”, then turn to Chapter 9. It will show you how to avoid being stuck in the wrong place and start living.

Chapter 10 will help if you have just gone through a big change, such as retiring or letting your children go out on their own. In this case, your voice may be saying, “I don’t have master plan for the future".

If you hear: “What's the point of acting? I'll only be disappointed. Nothing compares to what I already had but is now lost,” move on to Chapter 11, which examines the loss of a cherished dream. You will find that life still has meaning.

And if you hear inside: “I’m trying to achieve something, but, frankly, I’m not in the mood for it, I don’t know why,” your situation is not as mysterious as it might seem. Take a look at Chapter 14 and you may find that in reality want to do what you are trying to give up.

If you still can't figure out what your inner voice is saying, don't worry. By the end of Chapter 3 you will hear it. I guarantee it.

Once you begin to feel your way, you will find yourself on the leading edge of a massive historical change. In modern industrial society, almost everyone - whether they like it or not - has to figure out what kind of job and life they want. Sooner or later, all people (of any age) ask themselves: “What do I want to do?”

Gone are the days when students followed the path of least resistance and went, say, to pursue a career in a bank or continue their education at Faculty of Law, believing that this choice exhausts career planning for life. According to one research firm, college graduates last year are likely to hold ten to twelve jobs in five different fields over the course of their professional lives. Whether you like it or not, everyone has a second career in the pipeline. Or maybe the third. Or even more.

Corporations continue to lay off employees, and not only because of recent crises: we are entering new period economic history. Global competition is forcing companies to transform themselves into smaller and more efficient ones. They are shrinking in size by about two-thirds and may never grow larger. Middle managers are rendered unnecessary. Secretaries are being replaced by technology. The top twenty students from any college or business school may still receive good propositions from employers, but everyone else is for themselves.

The trend is clear: we will become a nation of experts - consultants and entrepreneurs. Many will work from home and be paid for specific projects based on ability.

And who will shine brilliantly in the face of change? Those who are ready to turn what they love into their own niche - a niche in which they will succeed. Never before have we had such a strong need to identify our talents.

So, let's go! Let's look at why you don't know what you want. And then we'll try to do something about it.

Chapter 1 What was expected of you?

What should you do with your life? Interest Ask, Truth? After all, even when you yourself don’t understand what you want to do, you often know what was expected of you.

I was expected to get married, move in next door to my parents, raise children and run a household.

And it seems that everyone I ask has the answer to this question:

“They expected me to work in the printing house with my father.”

“I had to marry a hereditary financier and raise five child prodigies in a mansion on the seashore.”

“My father wanted me to become a partner in a Wall Street law firm, or the president of a bank, or the head of a corporation—some big shot.”

“I was not supposed to be more successful than my brothers.”

“I was expected to do something special, but I could never figure out what it was.”

Silent attitudes live in each of us - someone's expectations. You can never speak about them out loud, rebel against them, refuse to follow them. But, one way or another, we always know about them. And these attitudes greatly influence our lives.

How is it going with you? What was your purpose? Maybe you are one of the lucky ones, like Picasso, who knew that he was born to become an artist. Silent attitudes can be an invaluable clue, or they can be a broken compass.

And if it really is a broken compass and you are wandering away from your calling, it is sometimes very painful to watch how the Picasso of this world happily and laboriously go through life. You think: why are you so unlucky?

Families, communities, and even entire cultures in which we are all raised, inundate us with their expectations. Sometimes these attitudes scream like billboards: “Get married. Earn money. Buy a house." And sometimes they are veiled - and quietly creep into us. And they remain. And they never get out into the light, where they could be clearly examined and either rejected or openly accepted.

We usually forget how and when we received instructions on what to do with our lives - just as we forget when we learned to eat with a fork or not to pee in bed. But whenever this happens, they remain with us, and we react to them - usually without thinking. Some obey instructions, some rebel, but everyone responds.

Think for a moment about your life and your goals. Are you living as expected of you?

They wanted me to live next to my parents And At the same time, she was an international spy journalist who spent her days and nights on luxurious travel and dangerous intrigues. Not easy life plan. Firstly, it is impossible to do it. Secondly, I didn’t want to. For a homebody, I love adventure too much, but for a spy I don’t love it enough.

Like you, I was born into a world where ideas of right and wrong surrounded me on all sides - and I wanted to do the right thing. And so, although the settings given to me were impossible to implement, I spent years turning them over in my head, trying to find a way to comply with them.

Sometimes the ideas we have internalized contradict each other and do not suit us. However, they are part of the world in which we were born. They penetrate deep. And they influence us. And even if parents sincerely try not to put pressure on their children, this still happens. Children are susceptible to influence in any case. They learn quickly, and sometimes magically. IN childhood we even catch what is not spoken.

Each such message - explicit or veiled - sinks into the mind, where it can remain for the rest of our adult lives, impeding our happiness. For example, you seem to know what you want, you are successful at your job and you are very passionate about it, but nevertheless you are haunted by the feeling that you should be doing something else.

Journalist Jack M., 29, who reported from hot spots South Africa at the height of the anti-apartheid struggle and loved his job, he told me: “I should have become a doctor. For some reason journalism was not considered an occupation worthy of me.”

Benita B., 36, single and making a great living on Wall Street, said: “I was supposed to will get married for a successful person, not I'll become one of them."

It is obvious how harmful these attitudes are to Jack, Benita and Susan. Unfortunately, it's not so easy to see how these same kinds of expectations are hurting you.

I offer a method that will help you begin to analyze your own situation. Try asking yourself a simple question:

Who said that?

Who said you shouldn't do what you do? And, for that matter, who says that you must do exactly that?

I urge you to give a specific answer. If you want to free yourself from the restrictions imposed by other people's expectations and start doing what you want, you need to determine as accurately as possible how these attitudes reached you and who set them.

Our classmates, neighbors, maybe a teacher or coach - all these people planted some ideas in us. But we mainly derive our earliest and most unshakable attitudes from our family. If you're like most people, the wishes of your relatives still resonate in the depths of your mind - so persistently that you engage in a continuous internal monologue in response to them. You think: “So much for you! Got?!" Or: “This will make them happy.” Or: “Oh, they probably really don’t like what I’m doing. We need to call and talk." The desires of family give meaning—good or bad—to all our activities. Even if we think we don't care.

So, how was it going in your family? How did you learn about your relatives' expectations?

Maybe they directly said what they want from you?

“You will be a doctor. “Everyone in our family is doctors.”

“You should study to be an accountant and go to the family firm. We broke our backs while we were earning money for you to go to college, so now you’re in our debt.”

Or were the attitudes less explicit? Maybe you were told quite specifically what you should not do in the future?

John L. dreamed of becoming a politician, but his father, who always complained about government interference in his business, despised politicians. “The Congressmen,” said John’s dad, “will sell you whole for pennies.”

Carol J. wanted to become an actress. On her fourteenth birthday, over dinner, she talked about her dream, and the family responded unanimously: “You won’t succeed here. No one can do this. Forget".

Or maybe the family didn’t say anything directly, but made their desires very clear when discussing other people:

“Bill’s wife gets a lot more than he does – isn’t it a shame?” (If you are a boy, this means that you should earn good money in the future. If you are a girl, it is better not to do this.)

“The Smiths’ son showed such hope, but in the end he is interrupted by trifles. But the Joneses have a great son - he resells real estate and drives a Mercedes. Just twenty-seven!” (It is quite obvious what kind of son you should become.)

Or your family didn't say anything at all. And you received silent attitudes that were not discussed.

You were simply “drawing conclusions.”

Many parents say: “Do whatever you want, as long as you are happy.” But if they really mean it, then your family is one in a thousand, and I envy you. Unlike others, you can seek out your life's work and enjoy it without suffering from internal conflicts. (If you're not sure if your family is truly one in a thousand, try telling your parents that you've become a happy stripper or are happily quitting medical school- and quickly make sure of everything.)

Well, now, having figured out which way the wind blows with the family’s expectations, let’s take a closer look at your relatives again, but from a different angle. What did they want from you?

Exercise 1. They wanted me to...

Take a blank piece of paper and write down the names of all family members and people close to you. That is, list everyone who was important to you in childhood and adolescence: teachers, coaches, neighbors, cousins, older friends.

Under each name, write down what kind of life that person wanted for you. If you have your own family, you can add some spice by including current family members in the wish list. So, make up long list: let everyone with whom you lived in childhood and live now enter there.

What do these people want or wanted from you?

No need to think long. Record the first thing that comes to mind. Even if you are not completely sure that you know exactly their opinion, what matters is that you consider their opinion this is what influences your inner voice. Misunderstood expectations affected you just as much as correct guesses.

Think about it, what did all these people want from you?

Okay, now look at the answers.

Your list probably looks something like this:

My loved ones wanted me...

MOTHER: was caring and respectable - and became a lawyer.

DAD: He was brave and strived to win - and became an investment banker.

BENNY: was a real hero.

KAREN: was invisible - didn't attract much attention.

GRANDMOTHER: was always with her.

Sometimes this short list helps to understand a variety of things, as it happened with George J. Here is his list:

PAPA: almost didn’t communicate with me, but he loved opera. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that I need to somehow connect myself with opera. I married an opera singer and he finally accepted me. My wife and I were ill-suited for each other and were completely miserable. She wanted to leave, but I was terribly afraid to let her go. I had never seen the connection between these things before.

MOTHER: I always tried to maintain a peaceful environment in the house. The father was angry and silent, and the mother wanted everything to look calm and good. This is probably why I concluded that my life should seem calm and good. So I went to a “normal” job - in a corporation, although I really didn’t like it. Well, I have a very calm life. A real swamp.

Take a good look at your list again and you'll notice something interesting. If you're like most people, you'll see these expectations take a complex turn: There are many of them, and some may turn out to be completely opposite. Remember how I was expected to stay at home and at the same time become a spy flying around the world? Perhaps all family members wanted different things from you. And it’s possible that someone wanted something so incompatible that you could never figure out how to actually achieve it.

Lois M.'s mother said she wanted her daughter to be popular and famous, but when Lois was a teenager, she begged her not to draw attention to herself. How can a person be famous and not attract attention?

Billy R. also received conflicting instructions: “I had to start own family and at the same time stay with my parents forever.” Really, I wonder where Bill was supposed to build a family nest? In your parents' living room?

These expectations put us in an obviously impossible situation, tying us hand and foot. We are asked to immediately rush to do everything that we are forbidden to do. Or something that can't be done. Or what we are not capable of. At the same time, our minds are distracted from what is most important - developing our unique talents. As children, we are faced with two very serious tasks. We need to figure out what others want from us and what we want ourselves. And when the first task does not allow us to complete the second, we are lost.

It's no wonder we have a hard time figuring out what we want from life.

You see, our families love us as much as they can. But they were not taught listen children, and bring up. And if our relatives don’t listen to us, they are unlikely to know about our dreams, let alone respect them. But dreams make us who we are.

It is easier for almost anyone we meet to respect our aspirations than for our family. If you don't believe me, check it out comparison test. If you find yourself in an unfamiliar company, share with them your most wonderful O and the idea that comes to mind. For example, say that you dream of breeding Dalmatians in the Himalayas, but you do not yet have contacts in Tibet. You will see how the interest of your interlocutors will flare up. They will even try to solve your problem.

Interest is the most sincere form of respect.

You and these strangers are strangers to each other, but we all sometimes fall under the spell of someone else's ideas. Any new beginning is intriguing - such is human nature - unless, of course, we have personal reasons to react differently. Our relatives have a lot of such reasons, while strangers have an unclouded perception. Perhaps one in twenty will react negatively for one reason or another, but the other nineteen will respond, for example, like this: “ Interesting idea! My cousin breeds dogs! Or: “My neighbor was in Nepal! Do you want to talk to her?

Now, to complete the comparison test, go home and tell your family about this fantasy. For example:

“I am resigning from the post of President of the International computer corporation and I will fish for shellfish off the coast of Rhode Island.”

Or: “I will no longer fish for shellfish and am going to head the International Computer Corporation.”

And how did the relatives react? Did they put the forks on the table and rush to talk you out of your “madness”? Or didn’t even put down the forks?

“Wait,” you might say, “is this another attack on the family? Enough is enough, I'm already fed up. My family was no worse than anyone else, and in any case, everything is in the past.” You know, I believe that your family really was no worse than others. And one day, no matter how angry we are, we will have to forgive our relatives and look at the situation in a new way - otherwise it will be impossible to move forward and be free and whole.

But forgiveness doesn't come easy. Having forgiven the past, but not fully dealing with it, we pay a high price: we begin blame ourselves for everything that happened to us. However, by engaging in self-criticism, you will not get one centimeter closer to what you want. It is necessary to stop blaming yourself, gain courage, dismiss suspicions of “attacks on the family” and figure out the source of the problem with other people’s expectations. If you think about it, you'll probably realize that the problem has been around for a long time, which means the seeds were planted in childhood.

How can a loving family cause harm? Unfortunately, it's very easy. Believing that love alone is enough, we often lose sight of an important thing: love and respect are not the same thing.

Love is a merger. In infancy you belong to your parents, you are an extension of them, and fusion promotes the survival of small children. Respect is a separation, a distinction: you belong to yourself and are not an attachment to anyone else. This distinction is absolutely necessary for happy life adult.

Take another look at your family's list of expectations. These attitudes remain in your head, right? Where in this list is the goal to realize your unique potential? Who insisted that you search for your own, original self, no matter the cost? Very few people will see such a wish on their list. No matter how much our family members love us, they rarely say: “We respect you and know that you are unique and want to find your calling in life. Go and find him. We will support you."

Parents have own dreams, and they are focused on their desires, not yours. They have developed images of successful sons and beautiful, wealthy daughters - children who are well-settled in life and whom they can be proud of in front of others. Very few parents have the luxury of peace of mind, which helps to realize: the most sensible thing for a child is to find his own path and follow it.

Living according to family guidelines is like always wearing a bridesmaid dress ordered for someone else's wedding. It's very rare that someone else's dream truly suits you, while yours looks like an outfit made especially for you. And this dream is worth any effort.

But while you are not living the way you want and doing things that are not very suitable, you should not waste time figuring out “why”. Don't blame yourself.

If the mechanisms of family attitudes turned in your direction and began to move, it is not your fault. We made important decisions about our future lives too early when, as children, we internalized the expectations of our relatives and began to respond to them. After we dragged these decisions from childhood into adulthood, for which they are not always suitable. This can even lead to poor choice of spouse and destructive behavior.

I know a woman who recently divorced a very angry man. She said: “I don’t know how I could do such a stupid thing. I should have known how it would all end. My father behaved like a mad bull! I hated it! How did it happen that I got into trouble with exactly the same husband?”

Trying to survive, that's how.

As a child, she learned to “behave” so that her father would not go crazy, and when she was looking for a husband, it turned out that this was the skill she developed best. Naturally, she found a situation in which it could be applied.

Mark has adopted the opposite attitude since childhood. His family taught him that in this crazy, crazy, crazy world, it’s every man for himself. Mark was the fourth of five brothers, and he had to fight for everything to avoid being trampled. And so he was fired from two good places because conflict situation he would immediately lose control and start screaming.

“Why can’t I stop? - he asked. “I’m trying to free myself from a childish habit, but before I can blink an eye, the words are already flying out of my mouth.”

Mark will never get rid of these family and cultural attitudes if he pretends they don't exist. And we won't be able to do that either. We must not forget about them when planning new life, because whether you like it or not, they will end up in your luggage. Below I will show you how to turn off old settings so that they do not drown out the whispers of your own soul.

You must do what makes your heart sing.

This will be the most practical.

If you do what you love—raising children, designing airplanes, swimming—you can do it very well and last a long time (and long life is the most important factor in success).

Plus, by dancing exclusively to your own tune, you can gain an advantage when trends change. In the early 1990s in the United States, many lawyers and business school graduates lost their jobs. How many of them initially wanted to do something completely different? And how often did they choose a profession under the influence of parents who believed that lawyers were guaranteed stability and prosperity? But perhaps these people would achieve greater stability and prosperity by becoming entrepreneurs, theatrical agents, or going freelance?

In the next chapter, I'll show you how to get started on the path to fulfilling your desires, even if you don't yet know what they are. But before we move on, I'd like you to make your own cure for the frustrating feeling of not living up to someone else's expectations.

Exercise 2. Their impossible dream

Create a portrait of a person who will embody absolutely everything that your family wanted from you. Try your best. Use magazine clippings to make the result more interesting, and then hang the picture on the wall where it can be easily seen.

And look at the “perfect” child who fulfilled all expectations.

“They wanted me to be smart but unsophisticated, rich but not richer than my poor father, well-fed on my mother’s cooking but slim so I wouldn’t get a heart attack like Uncle Frank,” Joe said with a laugh.

Anita cut out a photo of a businesswoman in designer clothes, glued onto it the capped head of a nun retreating from the light, and placed the combination against the backdrop of an African village. Then she took a step back and concluded: “Here. Now everyone is happy."

Admit it: this is impossible. You can't do what they want. So leave a reminder picture in a visible place and move on.

What you want can be done.

Chapter 2 How to become lucky

When you see people who are passionate about their work and have found their perfect niche, it seems like the world is unfair. Why are they so lucky?

I can name at least one reason. They began to act - and did not stop.

Your luck depends on your willingness to act.

If you don't have specific desires, you probably think you're stuck. We all tend to first explore the situation and then move on to action, but action is absolutely necessary for people who don't know what they want.

I can give four reasons why this is so.

1. Action helps you think

Diving into the real life situations and experiencing them on own experience, you begin to think much more clearly than sitting still and weighing all the theoretical factors. Even acting in the wrong direction gives you information.

2. Action increases self-esteem.

Most often, inaction is explained not only by indecision, but also by fear. However, whenever you want to do something and feel afraid, but overcome yourself, your self-esteem goes up several notches. When you are afraid but move forward anyway, you are doing yourself a huge favor. Even if they slam the door in your face, if they ignore your letter or shout at you—that is, the worst thing you can imagine happens—it doesn’t matter. You achieve success every time you conquer fear. Tangible success. You feel elation or determination - either way, it's a heady feeling.

But every time you let yourself down through inaction, your self-esteem drops several notches. And the fighting spirit along with it.

Initially, I studied to become a social worker to help former drug addicts as part of a special city program. We worked in teams, like group therapy, trying to build a new life for people who were able to truly recover from addiction. But none of them had the skills needed to succeed in real life. And they considered themselves former drug addicts", no more.

But these people couldn't afford to wait until they somehow developed enough self-esteem to acquire the necessary skills and look for work. So we used a principle we called “acting as if.” Dress like you respect yourself, even if you don't, we said. Act as if you deserve the job you want. Work as if you are a first-class employee.

And it turned out to be effective. Because high self-esteem comes after action, not before it.

After some time, these brave people began to do things they had never done before: making introductions, making speeches, working in teams. How did they manage to learn so quickly?

“Do it first, then learn how to do it,” one of them said.

This confirms my experience. Action increases self-esteem more effectively than positive affirmations. Convincing yourself that you are a good person will not have long-term effects. At least that's the case with me. If I start telling the mirror how wonderful I am, already on the second day it looks at me skeptically, as if saying: “And who do you want to deceive?” My mind does not like propaganda, even if it is useful to me.

Acting “as if” helps better than any thoughts, because when you did something you are proud of yourself - even if you have not achieved much success.

More often than not, when we set out to ride a bike, travel abroad, or make love—that is, do things that bring us great satisfaction—we begin with helplessness and embarrassment. Our willingness or unwillingness to endure inevitable inconveniences affects the course of our lives to a greater extent than anything else. Remember yourself as a teenager. Same real course self-defense, which is difficult to even compare with anything else. At this age, the slightest mistake makes you want to climb into a hole and wall up the entrance. We run away from possible embarrassment like the plague. Remember how awkward you felt when you started dating? But aren't you glad you started? If you become too good at avoiding inconvenience, you won’t begin to live at all.

My friend Pete started taking riding lessons when he was ten and saw an eight-year-old girl who was better in the saddle than he was. He got off the horse and never sat on it again. Nonsense? Not at all. “That’s exactly how I lived my whole life,” Pete said. An unlived life is a real hell.

Before every lecture tour, I feel discomfort. After living at home for several months without any lectures, I get used to it and want to continue to sit at home, walk with the dogs, buy bagels and write texts. The time for the seminar comes and I begin to tense up. I howl and whine - I don’t want to look for markers, prepare clothes, take an early flight and wear tights.

But every time I stand in front of an audience, I feel great pleasure and am glad that I had to do it. I never even thought about canceling the lecture - and this makes me feel stronger.

3. Fortune comes to those who take action.

I became a consultant, lecturer and author overnight, moving in the opposite direction - it just happened. I called my ex-boyfriend on the other side of the country to complain about my unhappy life. He talked about the wonderful therapy groups that helped him. I joined the group, the psychologist liked how I coped with the tasks, and he invited me to work with him. It all led to my current life, which I adore. A series of coincidences, happy accidents. This is how we find the best recipes and meet the best people in our lives - completely by accident.

I believe in planning, but to be honest, making plans is mostly science fiction. Any plan is nothing more than a hopeful prediction. Even business plans are like fairy tales: “With the new color, we expect to sell 50,000 units in the first year, 150,000 units in the second year and 500,000 units in the third year. So we need a loan of two million dollars.”

Great story, right? But thanks to stories like these, people get bank loans - and the better the storyteller, the larger the amount!

Perhaps the main point of planning is that the plan forces us to go out Big world. If you go to the library and look for articles there, start calling different people, join organizations, go to meetings, something can happen.

Give it a try. Set yourself a goal, absolutely any goal, and start doing everything that comes to mind to achieve it. I guarantee your life will change. You may not end up where you originally wanted, but it is likely that you will end up in a much better place. best place. It's a trip you couldn't have planned in advance because you didn't know these places existed.

Let me make one more point. Suitable for different people different types planning. There is another, less obvious way than setting a goal, and this method also works great. Every time you need to make a choice, think: “Will this bring me closer to my dream or further away from it?” Always choose what is closest to what you want. If you're thinking about working on a farm this summer but want to be an urban planner, look for a job in the city. This is called "following your nose," and this approach is wiser than you think - as long as your nose is pointed in the direction of what you want. Join various associations. Talk to everyone. Don't worry: once you have enough information, you'll focus on specific things. But no matter how you make plans, remain mindful and change direction according to your gut. Let desire become your guiding star and your bold plans come true.

4. There is an animal hidden in each of us - and he has excellent instincts

Sometimes our desires seem strange or we begin to realize them at an unexpected moment. But if you feel like you're on the right track, don't give up. Trust your animal instincts. They determine what pace to move at and how much we can endure. And they tell us moves that sometimes seem absurd. That's exactly what happened to Jesse.

Very quiet and shy, Jessie was about forty-five years old. She lived in Atlanta and managed the affairs of her husband, a famous architect and local star. The husband constantly went to meetings and parties, while the wife was busy with tedious paperwork.

Jessie had no idea what to do with her life. And so she joined the Success Team - a self-help group of six people who constantly met to help each other achieve their cherished dreams. Jessie's team did everything they could to try to help her in her search, but nothing was found.

– Maybe you should look for a job that you like better? - they asked.

“I don’t know,” answered Jessie, “for some reason I don’t want to.”

Months have passed.

One day Jessie walked into the room where her group was meeting and announced:

“I want to participate in the Bear Grizz winter sled dog race.” (Bear Grizz is a town in Minnesota.)

The team members were dumbfounded.

- Are you sure?

“Yes,” said Jessie, “that’s exactly what I want.”

– Would you mind sharing why?

- Don't know.

– Do you have any idea about sledding?

This is where the questions ended. Everyone was very happy that Jessie had at least some desire, and so they immediately rushed to find a school for her, a dog driver, whatever. They turned to people they saw on the street with a dog to see if they had the necessary information. Finally, someone talked about a summer training camp for dog mushers, and Jessie was there on a warm summer day, walked up to the trainer and said:

– I want to learn how to drive a team.

The coach looked at the petite forty-five-year-old woman in a straight skirt and comfortable shoes and decided to cool her ardor. He harnessed the dogs to a training sled on wheels and gave them the reins.

- Try it. See if you like it.

And suddenly he gave the dogs a command - they rushed forward. Jessie could barely keep up with them. She stumbled, slid, almost fell on her face, but she still held on with the dogs for the entire training circle. Having finished and caught my breath, she smiled at the coach and said:

- Great!

He laughed and agreed to teach her.

When winter came and it was time to go to Bear Grizz, Jessie realized that she didn't know anyone there. She asked the coach if it was possible to refer to him when introducing herself, but he replied:

“Jesse, I can’t do this.” You're still a beginner, and I have a reputation to maintain.

So the Success Team took her to the airport and saw her off with loud cheers (and secret fear). Arriving in Bear Grizz, Jessie saw a small - almost one street - town covered in snow. Experienced mushers sat everywhere with their dogs. Fighting embarrassment, she approached everyone and asked if anyone needed a helper. Finally, she was taken in by a team whose assistant came down with the flu.

And Jessie traveled one hundred and sixty kilometers on a dog sled. And after the race I called the Success Team, and they were wildly delighted.

Jessie returned home completely satisfied. Smiling widely, she told her comrades all the exciting details.

“This is happiness,” said a team member.

“Yes, that’s it,” Jessie agreed.

- What now? - asked the comrades. – Will you continue to train?

- No, I'm finished. I don't want to do this anymore.

Everyone was shocked and fell silent. And then someone asked a question:

- Okay, what do you want to do now?

Jessie replied:

- Leave the job.

It didn't occur to anyone in the group that Jessie wasn't ready to leave her thankless job and go out into the world until she met a major challenge. But the “animal” inside her knew about it.

Desire can be trusted.

Think about what you want, and when you want something, do what Jesse did. Don't worry about how practical it is - start taking action. In passionate desires there is a practicality beyond rational explanations. Desire will point you in the right direction better than any rules or good advice.

Now you know four reasons why action will bring you the same “luck” that you observe in enviable people who are exclusively engaged in what they love.

Well, did I convince you to take action? Or do you still feel some resistance?

Chapter 3 Internal Resistance: So What's Stopping You?

If you don’t know what you want, then something is preventing you from finding out - I’m sure of it. You hesitate to discover your true desires and follow them because of some internal resistance. Positive thinking alone will never help you overcome this hidden obstacle. And by pretending that everything is fine, you won't achieve anything either.

I want you to track this internal resistance - and then it will become clear how to deal with it.

There is a simple and sure way to bring it to the surface: start moving towards a goal that really attracts you - resistance will jump out of hiding and try to dissuade you, convince you that the obstacles on the way are insurmountable. I promise.

You just need to find a temporary goal that is so attractive that your resistance will believe that you really want it. And immediately begin to implement it - right now.

I have already given you four serious reasons to start acting as soon as possible: 1) it helps you think; 2) it shines on self-esteem; 3) it attracts good luck, which takes the form of needed information or opportunities; 4) it sharpens instincts.

So here is the fifth, most important reason: If, despite the feeling of a dead end, you force yourself to achieve a goal, you will activate - and bring to the surface - the internal resistance that drives you into a dead end.

As long as nothing threatens it, the resistance remains dormant. But it will wake up the second you start moving and loudly declare itself: “What are you doing? You'll get into trouble. It's not for you. Stupid idea. You can't handle it."

How to understand that internal resistance is preventing the fulfillment of a desire?

This is true if your inaction is meaningless.

Thinking logically, you understand that you can choose a job and, if it turns out to be unsuitable, change it. This is how most people think. So what's the deal? Why don't you take action? Obviously, there is some important reason, otherwise you would not be stuck in an uncomfortable position for such a long time.

You feel that some kind of danger awaits you on the way - the only rational conclusion I can draw. Inner resistance is trying to protect you. Look at any animal that freezes in place - there is definitely a threat ahead. This does not mean that animals are well-informed or capable of assessing a situation flawlessly, but if they remain absolutely still, there is always compelling reason. The same is true for you.

As soon as you take action to fulfill a “dangerous” desire, internal resistance will fully manifest itself. It will try to block the way, causing feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy or hopelessness. “What about your poor mother?” - the resistance will say. Any arguments will be used: “If you succeed too much, everyone around you will hate you!”, “You should have become a lawyer!”, “Your brother said that you are an idiot, and he is right!”

This is exactly what we need.

We want these installations to show their true colors because, Knowing exactly what you are dealing with, you can develop a strategy to combat it.

Let's smoke them out.

For starters, we'll kind of change the subject and go in a completely different direction. I will ask you leading questions.

Decent occupation

What is the difference between “life’s work” and “work”? In both cases you work. And you can get money for both. But there is a significant difference - and you know about it. Having a job pays the bills. It is possible that there is no other meaning in it.

However life's work is worthy of doing. This is one continuous meaning, and Not what matters is whether it makes money.

“Meaning” is a very big word, and it’s more difficult to understand than “work” or even “life’s work.”

How You think it fills meaning what is your occupation? Do you want it to be as important as Mother Teresa's work with lepers? Or like Einstein's theory of relativity? Do you want to save the world from destruction or create a brilliant educational work? Or make millions of dollars? I'm not joking - I'm absolutely serious. Most of us believe that the real work of life should be of gigantic proportions or lead us to world recognition, like an Olympic medal. You need to understand what thoughts come to your mind when you see the phrase “meaningful work.”

Exercise 1. “Dealing with meaning”

Take a piece of paper and write as much as you can about what you think is a meaningful activity. If you like, name people whose lives seem truly meaningful to you, and explain why you think so. This is necessary to get to know you well.

In what case can one’s life’s work be considered truly worthy? Don't worry if the polls show public opinion or according to someone else it looks different. There is no wrong answer here, we need to find out what you think. Therefore, write down your thoughts as quickly as possible - absolutely all your thoughts about what kind of work seems full of meaning to you.

Now read what you wrote and see if your ideas are similar to the ones below:

“It makes sense if your business brings something good into the world. It must help humanity in one way or another.”

“For your efforts to be meaningful, you need to achieve an impressive effect. You have to be successful. It doesn’t matter in what area.”

“I think that people whose work is meaningful are always very purposeful. They cannot eat or sleep because they need to discover something, like Columbus or Newton, or they, like Beethoven, see something grandiose with their inner eyes.”

“Well, I think in our world it is believed that it is important to prove yourself to be the best you can: have a family and a home, get a good job. Be a pillar of the community."

If you are one of the people who thinks that they have no problem finding meaning and will happily do anything to make them feel happy, don't be so sure. If you're worried that you'll be trapped in a job you don't care about, you've got a problem with meaning. I guarantee that in the back of your mind there is a thought that you have to contribute, to gain recognition, to do something important, otherwise you are doing nonsense.

But what about this concept after hearing a similar story: “When I walked into the back room of the bookstore, filled to the ceiling with American periodicals from the 1890s, I felt like I was at home, although I had never been in such a place! I know that many people don’t need this store for nothing, but I have a feeling that my purpose is to work here. Everything where I’ve been before, everything I’ve done so far has come together into one picture.”

Perhaps dusty magazines don't have special significance neither for you nor for the world at large. It's not a big deal - not a cure for cancer, not a great achievement - but I bet you'd like to experience the same feeling. And, you know, it's possible. You need to forget everything you were told about “working with meaning” and see what makes sense to you personally.

Real, your own meaning as pure and unique as you were as a child. We don't know where it comes from. It seems, like your personality, it just is. You don't need to create it, you just need to open it. Personal meaning connects your deeply hidden gifts with the rest of the world. Whether you are a gardener or a builder, a film director or a doctor, if you do what is meant for you, you will experience unity with both your soul and the world around you. The gardener feels that he is serving beauty and worships nature. The builder or director feels that he is using his abilities to create a work that will delight the world. The doctor feels that he is using his intelligence, knowledge and skills to heal people.

The very first step in finding the right job for you is to see the connection between what you love and a worthy cause - work with meaning.

Because it's the same thing.

You won't become happy just by having fun. I recommend not choosing long holidays as your life goal. Even in retirement, even if you are looking for an opportunity to retire and “smell the roses,” it is worth looking not only for pleasure, but also for things that have true meaning for you. If something is truly important to you, you need to incorporate it into your life.

Without a truly important activity, you will feel empty, even if you are already settled in paradise, rich and famous. Without such a thing, any place can seem like a prison. And that's not it.

If you think that putting yourself first like this is selfish, think: when you do what you love, You are giving a gift not only to yourself, but to the whole world! Picasso was not trying to help anyone. For that matter, Einstein didn’t even try, at least when he was working on the theory of relativity. They just wanted to do their job and did it, and it was so important to them that they couldn't get it out of their heads. Their efforts were very personal, self-contained, even selfish; at least no one else's well-being occupied them while they worked. Even those who save the world have some kind of personal goal that they follow, helping the sick or making the planet healthier. They listen to their souls rather than just trying to be good people. It's time to debunk the myth that you have to choose between personal satisfaction and meaningful work.

To get one, you need the other.

“Great” work requires love. And in love for work, as well as in love for people, feelings cannot be calculated. To live a rich and fulfilling life, you need to look not for what is “right” in general, but for what is right for you. In the long run, this is the noblest thing you can do. You may feel comforted by the idea that your duty to the world is to do the work you love and do best. It is your right—and at the same time your responsibility—to do just that. Do you know what it’s like to do the job you love? I asked different people and got these answers:

“What you love fills you up and uses everything you can give.”

“I love my job because it constantly develops me and always brings something new.”

“I know I love what I do when I forget to look at the clock.”

“I know it's an honest job. Honest and difficult. Like a fireman or a farmer.”

“If I love work, then it becomes mine own business. I'm doing it for myself. In order to give my best, I need to feel it - even if someone else is actually paying me.”

You wouldn't mind doing this kind of work either, right?

You are capable of receiving it. The path laid out in these pages may seem circuitous at first, but it will eventually lead you to the work you love. So don’t hold back your imagination and get ready to fantasize to the fullest. Now we're going to have some fun.

Get a job

Exercise 2. Heavenly (or hellish!) work

Yes, exactly “work”. For this exercise, you don’t need to set yourself the ambitious task of finding a “life’s work” with meaning. This is a two-part exercise, and it doesn't matter which one you start with. If you can, start with part A.

Part A: Your Heavenly Job

Let your imagination run wild and come up with the best job in the world for you. Determine how many hours you will work, what you will do, what environment will suit you best. Don't limit yourself to reality or practicality, because this is the Time of Fantasy. The only restriction is that it must be work, and Not life. That is, you must have tasks, a working day and some kind of reward. Otherwise, do not limit yourself in anything. For example, during the week you are a shepherd, on the weekend a helicopter comes to pick you up and takes you to a luxurious spa center, but on winter holidays you make documentaries.

Be sure to include the following important categories: what, where and with whom?

What will you do all day? Screaming into a bullhorn on set, riding a bike, bargaining for something, coming up with a design for something, building houses, doing figure skating, or saving someone? Perform the bass part in “Boris Godunov” or give a speech in front of a cheering crowd of thousands? Or maybe, with a tablet and notes, you can walk around your own factory and make sure that your fabrics are created and dyed perfectly?

Where will you do this work? Describe the situation. A cozy cottage with a bright fire in the fireplace, Antarctica, midtown Manhattan or a huge farm in Kentucky where you breed Arabian horses?

You have already worked enough in places where you received neither joy nor satisfaction. Now allow yourself everything. Peek into the secret place in your brain where you are simultaneously a mother, a femme fatale and an American football star, or the planet's master gardener and rainforest savior.

And don't forget the people who will be with you. Remember that this is work, which means someone is working nearby - your boss, colleague, subordinate, business partner, assistant - “right hand” or even competitor. Would you like to have a team of assistants who fulfill your every desire exactly and are ready to unquestioningly clean and put everything in order after you? Maybe you see a brilliant coach or mentor who won’t let you stop until you show excellent results? Or the best, smartest, wittiest, and friendliest colleagues imaginable working with you on a project?

Usually, when I ask you to do this exercise in my seminars, it causes an outburst of enthusiasm. Most of my groups let their imaginations fly with as much relief as if it were Friday.

I always enjoy the answers; I think you will get it too.

Adrienne, 44-year-old corporate lawyer: “I want cameras and a top-notch crew and a lot of money at my disposal to film absolutely everything along the entire length of the Amazon - and then go to the highlands of Peru!”

Bernice, 29, writer: “I just want to come every morning to a big office in the city center, where there will be a desk, a secretary, computers, telephones, stamps, copiers, faxes and a lot of people, busy with work, and want write your prose there. At the same time, I want to have lunch with the whole group and chat with someone at the water cooler and go to dinner with someone, to the movies and to birthday parties.”

Philip, 27 years old, proofreader at a law firm: “I want to have my own cafe on a Greek island. After work, I would go eel fishing with my partner and best friend, and we would cook dinner on the beach, sing old songs and talk about life and the women who broke our hearts. And in the off-season I would hire myself as a sailor on a sailing ship and travel around the world.”

Jenny, 38, a recent manager at a Fortune 100 company, found this: “I'm the head of a division at my company and I have an amazing team that works with me. Everyone, from the clerk to the team of expert consultants, is always cheerful, in a good mood and most of all wants to do a great job. Ha! Yes, if I had this, I would doesn't matter, what to do!"

Louise, 39, a secretary at a law firm, decided: “I want to be a postman in a nice suburb. I want to walk and be in the air all day, I want not to think every morning about what to wear. I love the free health insurance, job security, and being able to go home at five sharp every day. I would love to deliver Christmas cards and valentines. And I love dogs. They would never bite me."

What does your heavenly job look like? Did you enjoy coming up with it?

Or did it not work out for you?

“This won’t work with me,” said Bill, a former professional baseball player. “I just can’t think of an ideal job for myself.” And if I could, I would do it.”

“You don’t understand,” said stagehand Chris, “I’ve never been enthusiastic about anything. This is my problem!”

Do you feel like Bill and Chris are speaking on your behalf too?

Then I want you to do another part of the exercise, it's called Hell's Work. (I've never met anyone who couldn't handle this.)

Part B. We describe the negative option: hellish work

Don't ask why, but everyone knows what they don't want, in detail. If you didn’t do very well with the “heavenly job”, the “hellish job” will most likely turn out great. Take everything you didn't like in any past work or any imaginary one. If the devil himself could come up with a job to make you miserable, what would it be?

Don't forget to define What You will be doing, Where And with whom. By the way, this exercise can be done even if the “heavenly work” was easy for you - just for fun.

During its execution, many are seized with malicious delight. I saw them make terrible faces, squint and grimace, describing every aspect of their personal “hellish work” - it was difficult to stop! Everyone wanted to add at least one more terrible detail. I like to do the exercise in a group setting where people push each other and remind each other what other scary moments they missed. This is what happened to the members of the group I recently worked with.

Louise, who came up with the “heavenly job” of a suburban postman, said: “I’m the companion of a terribly rich and spoiled film star. I don’t have any free time because she can call me anytime – day or night. She has an apartment in a high-rise building in the center of a big city, where I am forced to live in a maid's room. I have to buy all the food and clothes. (I hate shopping for clothes.) Everyone who works here is very cold to me and never talks to me. I have to sit and watch soap operas and game shows all day, and I'm not allowed to read. I am forced to wear a yellow and green uniform with terrible buttons - glass and gold." She stopped and Elliot, an MBA who works as a taxi driver, was about to start, but Louise continued: “Yes, and she only eats frozen ready meals. But the microwave does not work well, and they are always cold in the middle. And I have to eat with her. Oh, and she can fire me at any time - without warning."

Elliott waited his turn: “I work nine to five every day, and I have two weeks off, but you can only take a week at a time, so I can’t really go anywhere. Because of traffic jams, I spend four hours a day on the road. I have to work with numbers, deal with the budget. My boss is the son of the owner of the company, and he is younger than me, stupid and a real nonentity. But I have to listen to him and smile! I'm sitting in a huge room with a hundred tables and hundreds of people typing or talking on the phone and we're not allowed to communicate with each other. There are no windows. I hate it all."

Bank employee Juan said: “I have a hell of a job. There is no need to invent anything - exactly what I do. Precisely. Day after day, endlessly. Work in hell. I would give slide presentations talking about investment opportunities. And I would write reports. Lots of reports." Martina, who is raising two children alone, shared her picture of hell: “Well, for me the worst option is an office where there is chaos that is impossible to sort out. My job is to organize everything, and time after time I fail at it. Every day. And every day they give me a dressing down. And they are not allowed to stop trying. And every Friday the boss calls me in and lectures me.” What's the point of this stupid exercise? He is quite important. On the one hand, imagining a negative scenario is very useful whenever you feel stressed. That part of you that secretly stubbornly refuses to deal with pie in the sky gets a chance to let off some steam. And then you can relax and direct your energy in a different direction. And I want you to use this energy for a specific task.

We print negatives

If you're one of those people who couldn't imagine your "heavenly job", the last exercise showed that you are capable of unbridled negative creativity. I really love negative scenarios. It's fun and useful: imagining negative options can sometimes be a clever way to get around stubborn resistance that blocks your imagination. Now that you have come up with the most terrible job for yourself, you can imagine exactly what the ideal job would be like! Your nightmare will become a map that will lead you straight to deeply hidden desires and needs - those that you allegedly do not remember. I'll show you how to do it.

Take every detail of the “hellish work” - the schedule, the type of activity, the environment, the attitude of others, even the weather and, of course, the emotions that you experience - and introduce them complete opposite. It's exactly the opposite. If, like Louise, your “hell scenario” has you working for a capricious star, replace her with a wise, tactful and restrained philosopher. If you said you have a long commute to and from work every day, write, “I work from home.”

Got it? Then take a pencil.

Exercise 3. Rewriting the work, or Changing a minus to a plus

Take your “hellish job” and describe its complete opposite on a blank sheet of paper. If you, like Louise, do not like living in a high-rise building in the city center, write: “I live in a wonderful cottage in rural areas"or anything else, as long as, in your opinion, the opposite. If, like Elliot, “working like hell” means no days off, write, “I work six months out of the year.” If the hell scenario has you isolated in a trailer park somewhere in the desert, imagine yourself in London or Paris - going dancing or having dinner at a great restaurant. If you hate typing and filing documents, think about what would be a great alternative. Write articles about Costa Rica? Producing theater plays? Help people? Find the opposite of your “hell job” - and you will see the outlines of your “heavenly work” appear!

You see, you weren't just letting off a little steam. You laid bare the things that matter most to you: you described the negative version and then printed it like a photographic film to see the opposite picture! And here it is in front of you: this picture proves that you know more about your desires than you thought. It doesn't matter whether you started with a positive or negative image, you now have an idea of ​​your dream job. Let's use this information in the next exercise to come up with a great job that you could actually do.

Exercise 4. Self-correcting scenario

There are two versions of this exercise - one for those who can use a good buddy to help, and one for those who prefer to do it alone.

Option 1. Team up and make a film

The script in our case is just a summary of the film. If you want to “sell” a movie idea to a studio, you paraphrase it like this: “An upper-class professor meets a flower girl at opera house in London. He and his friend decide to correct her terrible pronunciation and then pass her off as an aristocrat at the royal ball. Then the professor falls in love with her.”

So, I want your friend to “sell” you a film script about your brilliant career. How? Based on descriptions of "heavenly" and "hell" work. For example, your friend says:

- So, you can’t stand disorganization, so the scenario is this: you work in a perfectly organized office, and everything is under your control. full control. Every day you are praised for your achievements.

Listen carefully to the scenario proposed by your friend. When he's finished, help him improve the story. Determine whether you are satisfied with the life described or would like to improve it:

– I like a well-organized office, but I don’t think I need praise. I don't think I want to have a boss at all.

“Okay,” your friend will say, “I’ll start from the beginning.” You are in a perfectly organized office, and this is your office. You work for yourself.

- Oooh, I like it.

Let a friend help you correct the story. Move forward, going back again and again if necessary, remove parts you don't like and add details left behind - and check the results each time.

- Okay, do you like everything now?

- Almost. And what is my business?

-You sell long johns.

- No, I don’t want to trade anything.

- Nothing, nothing?

- No. I would like to do something in this world. I want to help people improve their lives.

Look at her, who among us has figured out what she wants in life?

Little by little, by changing the script again and again, you will begin to understand what is truly important to you - that is, filled with meaning. The self-correcting script is a trick we've played on your psyche.

The goal of all the exercises in this chapter is to outwit defense mechanisms. And now we have accurate information!

Option 2. Two handles

If you don't have a friend nearby, this self-correcting exercise can be done just as effectively with a notepad and two pens with different inks - one for writing down the script, the other for correcting. Just switch roles: write down your “buddy’s” suggestions with one pen, and your comments with the other.

Once you prepare a flawless script, you will have a worthy goal, at least for now. Remember when I said that by starting to move towards a goal, you will activate—and bring to the surface—the resistance that is blocking you? Well, now you have a goal. Let's see if I was right.

Exercise 5: Temporary Permanent Commitment

So, you now have a perfectly fine-tuned script. Are there any objections left? Fine.

And now I'm going to play a cruel joke on you. I will insist that you promise to carry out the plan! Yes exactly. We don’t look back anymore – all decisions have been made. Now we know exactly in which direction to build your career.

But before you start to panic or think I've lost my mind, let me complete the instructions: I want you to do this for one hour.

I'm going to take away your freedom for a while because freedom can be destructive. The words “You can do anything” can create a personal hell. Anything? The choice is too great! Sometimes restrictions bring incredible relief, and right now it will come. You see, you know very well how much you hate a formless existence without a goal. What you want most is to make a decision and sort out your life.

The only thing keeping you in the free fall of endless choices is the fear of making incorrect choice and find yourself trapped. Well, right or wrong, I want you to believe: the choice is made, and you're hooked.

You must fully commit yourself to fulfilling this scenario - so suitable for you that it cannot be better imagined. Now all other options are closed, we need to roll up our sleeves and implement this one.

In one hour.

You're probably thinking now: wait a minute, I'm not ready for any kind of commitment. Even for an hour. If only because you didn’t know what you were getting into. If knew you would have been much more careful, right?

Yes, you would definitely be more careful. And they wouldn’t come up with anything.

“No, no,” Georgia protested. school teacher, for whom the “heavenly scenario” is to be a poet in Wales - this is not what I really want! I don't know what I want, remember? What if I'm wrong? That is, I am absolutely wrong! You don't want to oblige me to devote myself to inappropriate things?

This is exactly what I want.

But only for an hour. (Although this hour may turn out to be one of the longest and most instructive of your life.)

“Commit yourself” in our case means that we need to stop discussing. Let go of all the “what ifs.” The future is determined. I want you to say to yourself: “Okay, there’s no point in thinking any further, because you can’t go back. I'll perform in comedy shows, or buy an island, or become a remote worker, or join a kibbutz. What first steps should be taken in this direction?

Now I want you to look in the phone book, call a club where comedians perform, or find out how much the islands cost, or call your neighbor who lived on a kibbutz! For the next hour, I want you to be actively engaged in moving towards your goal. Set your alarm for an hour (or longer if you're up to it) and when it goes off, you can stop.

I want you to understand in an hour what it means to devote yourself entirely to something - and your script will fit for this no worse than any other.

What was it like?

One person said: “This was supposed to be unimportant, but it turned out to be important! I tried to treat the task like any other project, like planning a party. The only difference turned out to be that this party is my life!”

Louise, who imagined herself as a postman, described her sensations as follows: “I got goosebumps down my spine! But I did it. I called a friend in Ohio and asked how they delivered mail in Columbus. Of course, postmen, as before, walk up and down the streets. I asked if it was still beautiful there and she said yes. Then I called the local post office and asked them to send me an application form for employment! I can’t believe that thanks to you I’m actually doing all this!”

Philip had this to say: “I’m already starting to feel burnout, and I haven’t even started yet! If this isn’t real, why is it so damn scary?”

It’s scary because you pretend that you’re serious, and the resistance that has been preventing you from taking action for so long wakes up.

If you've chosen an old comedy routine, a walk with the dog, or even filling out a tax return instead of working on an exercise, you just think you're bored. You simply ran away before the voice of your resistance could be heard.

They ran away because they were scared.

By the way, if, having dedicated specific purpose hour, you feel neither fear nor doubt, but experience enthusiasm and joy, which means you are ready to go out into the world and bring your wonderful script to life. Now put the book aside - and go ahead! Good luck to you!

However, if working with the script as a real goal has given you anxiety, great! Your resistance is ready to take the stage. Take some more paper or a tape recorder, whatever works best for you, and write down what the voice of resistance is saying. These words are already ready to roll off your tongue.

Exercise 6. Listening to the voice

You've heard this voice in one way or another for years. Maybe you thought it was just pointing out negative aspects, but in fact it is the voice of your inner resistance, and it sounds for a reason. Your resistance says something like, “If I fly too high, I'll get killed.” Or: “As soon as you achieve something, it invariably disappoints,” and so on. Be very careful and think carefully about what you hear, because this is exactly what we were waiting for.

Get to know your resistance

And now your internal resistance has come to the surface. It resists with all its might and challenges you: try to go and get what you want.

Take a closer look. This little mischievous creature thinks that it is protecting you, trying its best to deprive you of your enthusiasm when it senses danger - and it senses danger every time you reach for what you want. Whispering negative statements, it stubbornly opposes you and creates a conflict that confuses and paralyzes you.

But behind his every word lies the secret of liberation.

Now that you have brought resistance out of hiding and are listening carefully to what it has to say, you have a wonderful opportunity to understand how to get it out of the way.

This is what the rest of the book is devoted to. Each chapter tells you how to overcome a particular resistance, and offers tools and strategies that can be used specifically for you. Roll up your sleeves and let's get started.

Chapter 4 It's the right thing

You probably have a friend who leads an extraordinary, exciting, interesting life. Some friend, maybe a sister or spouse, is teaching in Istanbul, or writing books in a small house in the Rocky Mountains, or flying to Hamburg to make a deal with Mercedes-Benz. You dream of such a life, but you know that you will never have it. You always turned down exciting opportunities that came your way because you wanted security. No matter how much courage it takes to take risks, you are sure that you do not have it. You stay close to the shore, but you can't take your eyes off the horizon.

Many people prefer to stay close to the shore and still feel great - but this is not the case for you. You are filled with sadness and regret. Deep down, you dream of adventure. You know very well that you have stayed too long in your current job. You know that there is a researcher and traveler living in you, but you don’t let it come out. And we are sure that another person would have taken action long ago, seized on any opportunities, and would have gone to yet unexplored places. However, you have somehow trained yourself to stick with what you have and not try to get more.

* * *

Take the test “Are you a cautious person?” I'll ask you a few questions to determine if you need this chapter:

1. Do you constantly rehearse? That is, you constantly take courses or master skills, but never put what you learn into practice?

2. When it's time to go on a trip or redecorate your bedroom, do you start endless preparations, constantly hesitate and call your friends to ask their opinion on every action?

3. Do you desperately resist if you are pushed or hurried a little more than you think is appropriate? Do you ignore deadlines until they get dangerously close and are stubborn when people try to warn you? (You know, some people take this calmly. Others don’t really like it, but it doesn’t drive you into a stupor. But it does drive you.)

4. Do you cling too long to everything, even harmful things for you - unhealthy relationships, worthless items of clothing and household appliances, membership in organizations that have become useless?

5. Do you complain that you don't have time to do the things you really want to do, but in reality you spend the lion's share of it sitting in front of the TV or doing little things around the house?

6. Do you watch the lives of others as if it were a spectator sport? People of the “right thing” type are unusually interested in the lives of other people - famous or personally acquainted. Perhaps they are so interested because they feel that they are not living a fulfilling life themselves - or maybe they are just looking for a hint on how to fix it!

7. Do you often think about how to change your life, but things never go beyond dreams?

If you answered “yes” to three or more questions, then you are definitely a “sure thing” type, and you will have to think about it carefully. Because you are playing with fire. Security is riskier than you realize.

You voted in favor of safety, and probably for a long time. Most of us know by age eight whether we'll be cautious, reckless, or neither. Some children jump first, then watch. Others watch and then jump. You looked and didn't jump. There were reasons for doing this, but now you no longer remember them. However, as adults, we continue to follow the path traced by the child. We don't stop to think about it and change it. We don’t wonder whether we should trust the usual alarm signal. Our habits take on a life of their own, and we assume that’s the way it should be.

But, as a rule, it is not known where this caution came from. If there ever was a reason, it no longer exists. And, more importantly, By being too careful, you take the biggest risk of your life.

From the facade there is a blissful picture: it seems that you are building your life wonderfully, brick by brick. But behind your back, time flies out the window like dollar bills. Time is the only real treasure, but when we begin to understand this, half of it is already wasted. If we talk about time, children feel like millionaires. Old people know a lot about time and will frankly tell you that the things they regret most are the things they didn't do. You don't have to be very old to understand what they are talking about. Look back at your youth and ask yourself: what do you regret most? About the actions you've done? Or about those for whom there was no courage? About the dances you went to, even if you felt awkward, insecure, like a fool? Or do you regret dancing where you didn’t go so as not to feel like a fool?

What to do?

Nobody likes to be reminded of wasted time, because there’s nothing you can do about it, right? Usually we react like this: “Do you really think that I should sell everything, buy a yacht and go on a trip around the world? First of all, I can hardly stand such a life. Secondly, what will happen when I return, and there is no work, no money? I have a damn sanity that real adventurers lack: I always remember how you feel the next morning. When I return from my great adventures, I will have to start all over again. Thank you but no".

I have good news for you. Your problem “risk or safety” is far-fetched. When you pretend that the choice is solely between absolute risk and complete safety, I call it “rigging.” Do you really count 'morning next day"is a good metaphor, and are your reasoning reasonable? Don't fool yourself, you're just playing it safe. It calms you down and drowns out thoughts that cause discomfort. But perhaps a little discomfort will be good for you, because you have been hiding from life for too long.

Reason one: ignoring your deepest desires is the greatest wastefulness

You have a great treasure that you do not use yourself or share with others.

There is a true genius inside of you - one of a kind, inquisitive, with great potential. This genius can't wait for you to open the gate so he can jump into the thick of life. Until you use its energy, your life is on standby. If there's an unfulfilled desire lurking somewhere in the shadows, you can't fully invest yourself in work, family, or even leisure for that matter—you're just floundering around, doing half-hearted work.

You must fulfill your desire. Once you follow your dreams, you will awaken and everything will become meaningful. And it’s not even very important what the result will be. If you want to live a fulfilling life, you need to find some meaningful direction for it.

What was stopping you?

The answer might be:

Reason two: we misunderstand what adventure is

Adventure is supposed to be exciting, exciting, new—and meaningful. Typically, people think that to have a real adventure you have to risk your life or at least change things radically. We believe that we should jump with a parachute, cross the Pacific Ocean on a raft, leave our family, home, and certainly our jobs.

All because we don't know what adventure is. By presenting it as an extreme act that requires a complete sacrifice of our usual way of life, we create an illusion that, in fact, helps us stay in place. Let me illustrate this with a story from my own life.

Many years ago I participated in a poetry reading called the Spoon River Anthology, which featured poems read from the perspective of people in a fictional place called Spoon River. All these heroes died. One by one they came forward to tell the main thing about their lives. I listened when a poem was sung, the hero of which talked about what was carved on his gravestone. It was a ship with furled sails. Curled up because it never left the shore.

For me, this is the saddest poem in the anthology.

One evening, returning on the subway from a rehearsal, I decided that I would change my life and live to the fullest. After all, I had many adventures in my youth. I left home and began to do what I wanted - I entered the University of Berkeley, then lived in New York, traveled all over the country with friends, and even, when I got married, I persuaded my husband to give up everything and go together by car to Alaska. It was wonderful. As my marriage began to crumble at the seams, I rediscovered my sense of adventure. It was clear that the matter could not be improved, I took the children by the hands and left. I was very confident.

And then everything changed. I was left without money and with serious obligations. My self-confidence took a huge hit and security became attractive again. That evening, when I entered home, I was wondering how I would get back to adventure, but when I saw two sleeping children, I thought: “How can I do this? Throw them on their backs and go to Africa? I worked two jobs and desperately clung to both. Yes, I had neither money nor time to go to a film about Tarzan!

So I abandoned all thoughts of adventure and returned to current concerns: I had to pay the rent, wash clothes and prevent the children from falling out of the window. And at the same time I decided that I would not take a single rash step again. Years before, the bartender at my father's bar told me, "Barbara, you have more guts than brains." So, in 1967, I got a brain. But the courage was gone.

Who can blame me for this? If a life of adventure required leaving work and moving the children to an exotic location, this was out of the question. It seems that I made a very reasonable decision - if the point was really where to move.

But this was completely wrong.

Yes, I understood one thing correctly: a real adventure will make my life interesting. And perhaps one more thing: being in Africa with two small children and no money is not the most pleasant situation. But I had the same misconceptions about everything else, and I bet you have the same misconceptions.

A great adventure doesn't have to be an African safari. At least that's how it was for me. A true adventure excites the heart, awakens the mind, and takes the breath away. And it is unique for each person. I tried to build an idea of ​​how to “live” life to the fullest”, on his “dream of escaping reality”.

Such escapist dreams are different from real ones.

They look like an emergency exit. They allow you to escape from reality for a while and, it seems, are simply necessary. We indulge in escapist daydreams on the way to work or when we hear about the lives of the rich and famous. We imagine ourselves as astronauts, rock stars or sailors on the high seas. I don’t think we ourselves take our escapist dreams seriously, and, in fact, these are not real desires, but a temporary flight of imagination. But let's still look at them carefully, because behind them is important information about your life.

Exercise 1. Your escapist dreams

What do you imagine? Do you have a million dollar fortune? Are you making a winning run at the Baseball World Cup? Are you being seduced by the most attractive human being on earth? Don't hold back. Only these must be just fantasies - completely unrealistic. Here's what my clients said.

Joe: “I imagine myself as the pilot of a cutting-edge fighter jet, shooting down a dangerous enemy.”

Gert: “I just watch the lives of rich celebrities. But it’s not their money and things that captivate me, but their confidence and carelessness. They have a great time and don't worry about anything.

Mo: “I imagine myself as a forester and tracker. I don't know why I'm tracking them. I don't want to kill any animals. Maybe I'm observing their habits or something like that. I live in a cabin in the woods, read a lot, and then go to a local cafe at a gas station on the Alaskan highway and talk to everyone there and drink coffee.”

May: “I’m making a movie about cannibals in Borneo!”

Kelly: “Just getting on the plane, business class. I stretch my legs, the flight attendant brings champagne, and I fly far, far away.”

Sue: “I live in a monastery on top of a mountain, where everything is very simple and calm. So calm."

What did you answer?

This dream of escapism hides the key to your real need. It's like the unprinted negative of your life. Everything you lack, all the gaps, are reflected in this fantasy. Joe, a fighter pilot, needs power and freedom. Gert envies the self-confidence and carefree manner of the rich and famous. Mo needs a place closer to nature, time and friends to talk to. (You don’t have to go to Alaska to do this.)

We should all explore escapist dreams because they tell us what's wrong with our lives. And then we need to do something about what is missing in our lives. Because if we don't use the information we receive to improve our lives, these dreams will make us avoid it. Let them show you what it should be like next step, and then you will no longer need them.

The dreams of escapism are so grandiose that you would never seriously think about making them come true. This is another safe activity, and you are already living too safe. Escapist dreams also help you not feel trapped in your current life and not suffer from anxiety. Like a painkiller, they provide relief when you're stuck and don't allow you to change.

But we will aim for more. Let's take care of your real dreams.

Real dreams

Real dreams are not escapism. I call them dreams only because they have not yet come true. Once they come true, they will become a real reality. Movies are rarely made about real dreams, because deep down everyone wants something very personal, and this will make not a million hearts sing, but only your heart. We want to see the land of our ancestors, or go to study, or study astronomy. We want what is difficult to explain to others, no matter how much they empathize with us. True dreams are as unique as fingerprints. The source of a true dream is the inner genius I spoke about.

You can trust me. Every time you really want something and your heart responds for no apparent reason, a unique part of your soul speaks. This is your individuality, your special view of things - the world as it opens only to you.

Unlike escapist dreams, real dreams do not easily penetrate thoughts. Moreover, you may have to specifically look for them, because they tend to hide. Why? Because, remembering them, you can experience very strong emotions.

This is what real adventures are made of. It's interesting that grandiose escapist dreams - like flying a fighter jet or fighting alligators - are very easy to imagine and difficult to achieve, while real dreams, like asking your loved one for your hand in marriage or going to school at fifty, are terribly frightening, although they are not fulfilling. usually no real risk.

As I said, real dreams don't require leaving your family, quitting your job and moving to Tahiti, taking your tassels. They just require you to unearth in your soul what you have put aside - and do it.

And then you will see how your life will be filled with light.

The difference between a life where you're just doing time and a life where you're giving back to your deepest, deepest dream is amazing.

Here you go. All excuses are excluded.

So why are you still scared?

Because while you shouldn't give up your safe life for adventure, you have to take emotional risks by giving yourself permission to love something. Daring to make a dream come true is an intense experience. It's like waking up from a safe sleep you're in. Become truly creative or active person, dare to at least think that you have the right to wonderful life, is a significant matter. This is where your real fear lies.

Of course, we try to pretend that the real obstacles are very great and moving forward is too risky. Let me give you a very common example.

Jerry said that in order to dream of writing film scripts, you need to completely change your life:

– Writing takes time! And in the evenings I am too tired - work exhausts me. And in any case, my wife has the right to expect that we will spend time together.

His wife laughed:

- What is this, a joke? Yes, he is so unhappy that I spend my evenings calming him down. My dream is for him to do something that makes him happy! And I have my own things to do!

Jerry blushed and admitted that it might be true:

– I write and edit all day. People love me at work and I do my job well. Moreover, I have a future in the company. But I can’t bear the thought that I will remain an editor. Because of this, I am terribly annoyed with my work - perhaps that’s why I’m so tired. You see, I wrote wonderful plays in college and won prizes! I had a great future ahead of me! I can't write with this damn job. And I can’t leave her either. I'm not ready to starve and huddle in a closet.

Mary Jane and Donna thought the same as Jerry:

Mary Jane said, “I need to quit my job. Then I will be forced to take a risk and start singing professionally.”

Donna was convinced: “I need to quit my position as secretary, or I will always be a small fry - that’s what my sisters think.”

But Jerry, Mary Jane and Donna are wrong. They think they can't succeed because of work. But in reality they cannot succeed without her! Now I will explain what I mean.

Exercise 2. For those who hate work

Take a pencil and paper and write at the top of the page: “I don’t want to like this job because...”

Imagine yourself in the midst of work, when you are doing what you like least. Imagine having to do this for the rest of your life. Now write down how you feel. Don't hold back.

Jerry wrote: “Loving this job is the worst thing imaginable! This would mean that I am not a writer, but an editor. You can't imagine anything worse for me! All I want from life is freedom—freedom to no longer write another word not of my own choosing.”

Mary Jane responded: “I need to leave this job because it’s too comfortable and if I stay there, I’ll never force myself to look for singing jobs. I need to make sure that I have nowhere to hide. You have to force yourself. Otherwise, I will forever remain an amateur - the kind, you know, who sings in companies, at weddings and birthdays. Nothing worthwhile. No career."

Donna: “If I loved this job, it would mean I'm just a dumb secretary. I am nobody".

Right now, some of you are probably giving Jerry, Mary Jane, and Donna a standing ovation, at least figuratively, for their quest for freedom. I'm talking about you, writers, artists and actors, who would already be racing towards fame in full sail if it weren't for the tedious work in the office or in the restaurant. Or not?

We all believe that you need freedom to make your dreams come true, but I have a surprise for you. Perhaps the opposite is true.

Nina stayed at home for three years, trying to become an artist. Then she gave up this idea and returned to work as a teacher - and now she paints more pictures than ever!

“These were the worst three years of my life! Too much time - how scary it was. Now I look forward to Saturday so I can devote the whole day to painting. I will also take classes on Wednesday evenings. And in the summer I’m going to Maine for a two-week master class with a wonderful teacher!”

What happened? I'll explain it to you. People need structure. We need limits - even for pleasant things, and even more so for creative abysses! It wasn't work that kept Jerry from writing. Work is his friend. And it can help you become a writer. You just need to learn to love her.

“Oh no,” Jerry groaned when I told him this, “you are literally putting a curse on my life!”

Jerry dreamed of becoming a writer for as long as he can remember. And not just any ordinary person - James Joyce and nothing else. But although he thought a lot about his Ulysses, the dream was supported only by sketches on a few pages.

– Do you write a lot now? – I asked.

“Just a little,” Jerry answered. - Well, I'm taking notes. Occasionally. Small notes.

Jerry needed:

Exercise 3. Fantasizing about freedom

Imagine that your wish suddenly comes true. You are completely free to do whatever you want and are going to devote every day from morning to evening to your dream. If you are a writer, then you are alone in your office - sitting at a large mahogany table, and in front of you is a blank sheet of paper. If you are an artist, then you are in the studio, you are not disturbed by doorbells or telephone calls, your palette is ready and a large blank canvas is waiting for you. Are you an actor? You can search for recruitment advertisements as much as you like, and then get dressed and go to a meeting or casting. You are a singer? No one is stopping you from calling administrators and opera companies all day to arrange an audition. And so on.

Think about this for a full ten minutes. Feel the situation. Is this what you were hoping for? Have your wildest dreams come true? Sitting over a blank sheet of paper, a canvas, or casting notices. This is your life. What do you feel?

“Oh, that's very scary,” said Mary Jane. - I am not ready. And if I quit my job, that won’t prepare me either.

“I feel incredibly lonely,” Jerry admitted. - I don't understand. It's so awful. Maybe I'm not a writer at all.

Of course he is a writer. And Mary Jane is a singer. You just need to start writing and looking for vacancies right now and stop making excuses that your current job prevents you from doing this. After you've spent hours writing a play or looking for agents, it's a relief to work nicely with friendly people.

Now Jerry can relax, enjoy his job, and stop worrying about being just an editor. He will write every morning from six to eight. He will feel like a writer. And Mary-Jane, in order to get into the world of professional singing, does not have to quit her job, where she has such a good environment. She needs to start going to auditions now.

"Now" - keyword. The obstacles you see in front of you are simply an opportunity to delay the moment when you start making your dreams come true. You don't need endless amounts of time or ideal conditions. Pursue your dream today. Right now. Give it twenty minutes and your heart will beat faster. It’s quite possible that it won’t even work out longer! To begin with, we can only handle a small dose of dreams at a time.

A dream is a powerful thing. No matter how much we strive for it in our minds, in practice it requires a fair amount of courage. A dream will provide you with so many adventures that you won’t need more. The feeling of security will disappear in an instant, although you will save your job, family, and home.

And boredom will disappear with him.

Life becomes rich not because of what you do, but because of your love for it. Writing doesn't scare everyone. Anthony Burgess said he had no problem writing novels. He wrote with ease and for the sake of money, because most of all he loved another thing - composing symphonies. And it was as exciting for him as writing was for Jerry. Perhaps he wrote novels to avoid symphonies! Jerry, Mary Jane, and Donna were asked to start working on their dreams immediately and report back in a week. Here's what they said.

Jerry: “Turns out my job is relief and safe haven! At work, I get a dose of confidence in myself and my competence after spending a few hours writing a script and feeling like I'm in the unknown in outer space! It's not that I don't like editing. I just didn't want to consider myself an editor. Now I'm a screenwriter and it doesn't bother me."

Mary Jane: “There are such people all around good people, and they support me great. The boss said that he would allow me to go to auditions at any time - and even go on tour, if possible. They really like my voice! They want me to succeed. They are simply wonderful. And they were never the cause of my problem.”

Donna: “I had a revelation. Whose side am I on? I myself help the sisters despise my work! Is she really that shameful? After all, I'm not a killer or a thief. I have nothing to be ashamed of. And since when am I my job? Work doesn't define me."

A colleague gave Donna a sign, which she proudly placed on her desk. The sign reads: “If a cat has stripes on his back, does that mean he is a sailor?”

Once you stop blaming your job, you can jump straight into action. which will show you the true state of things.

Donna signed up for a landscaping course. She decided to learn skills from the beginning so that she could gain confidence in her competence and stop lurching from feeling great to feeling worthless. The transition from fantasy to real action - mastering skills will provide her with both a certain humility and self-confidence. Jerry writes for two hours in the morning before leaving for work, and spends very good evenings with his wife. Mary Jane goes to auditions from work - with the blessing of her boss - and then returns and enjoys the care and attention of her colleagues.

And each of them is living a life of adventure right now - without sacrificing anything. See what's happening? As soon as you start doing what you really love, your soul soars, your mind opens up to new things, and everything changes. You wake up.

This is what real adventure is.

And don't let anyone dissuade you from this. It doesn't matter if the adventure takes less than an hour a day or happens while you're sitting in your own living room with paper and pencil!

This is how the greatest adventures of Einstein, Newton and Kepler took place. And Shakespeare, Mozart and Leonardo da Vinci too.

So, safety was not your problem at all.

And you are still afraid.

So what is the real reason?

Creative people experience a challenge that may seem unique to them—yet everyone faces it when it comes to making their dreams come true. Making art is like making a dream come true: every second brings something completely new.

We are all afraid of new things.

“I don’t know why I don’t do ceramics,” a friend recently told me. – I love it very much, but I don’t do it. I can find as many opportunities as I want to sort out a closet, go shopping at a sale, or sew some item - and then I complain that I don’t have time for ceramics.” What is the danger creative activities? Well, at least in the fact that it’s scary to switch from routine tasks that do not cause any anxiety to a high level of awareness associated with novelty. Learning and creating new things are risky endeavors. Just thinking about them can lead to a variety of avoidance behaviors. Perhaps when you are creative, you begin to see too much. Perhaps you are afraid of the scale of your own talent. (Don’t underestimate how scary a real gift can be.) Having a real gift is like swallowing atomic bomb. It's very scary. Artists have to discard everything familiar in order to see something new. And you too, whether you are an artist or not. New things are risky, and evolution has long worked to teach us to avoid risk: it has created a powerful mechanism within us that turns anything new into a habit.

New versus familiar

I work hard to get used to a lot of things—to make it second nature—and so will you. I know I can't make my way in the world if everything is always brand new.

You need to be able to do most things automatically, otherwise you will have to think too much before picking up a fork or crossing the road.

What a powerful, exciting and frightening experience it is to take the first step, to go to new town, get behind the wheel for the first time! Our love for joyful excitement and intensity of experiences always struggles with the need for the familiar, the experienced. We simply cannot survive if we cannot absorb new experiences and turn them into habits. The habit mechanism is our friend.

The problem is that it doesn't have an "Off" button. It works all the time! And he doesn’t like excitement!

However, there is no need to worry too much, because the point of a real adventure is to bypass the mechanism of habit. And again, this is true not only for creative people, but for everyone else. When a shy person takes a bold step towards... new career or personal life, it's as fresh, scary and wonderful as if Mary Jane came out to perform an aria in front of a full house! When “good mothers,” those who spend their days caring for others, spend one evening doing something they truly love—even if it’s just reading a book—the experience is as fresh, intense, and creative as creating a work of art!

“Good mothers” are those who always put the interests of others before their own, such as Virginia, a talented author who teaches future writers and gives everything to students, leaving very little for herself. Or Sue D., the supermom who goes to work, volunteers, helps her husband with his projects, helps the kids with school, and carries the entire load of household chores. Such generosity is a source of deep satisfaction for them. This is how love is manifested, and it enriches the life of the giver. But from a certain point this turns into a choice in favor of the “right thing”. If you give too much - and pay a lot for it important things, then you also prefer the safe option to adventure.

How? Your choice is to be a wonderful, irreplaceable person and feel that you have the power to make things right. Plus, it's a great way to get rid of guilt.

What to do?

I'll ask you to do a little exercise.

Exercise 4. Testing for love

Choose one daily activity that you can give up and replace it with something you truly love. Condition: You can only refuse things that you do for others. You cannot refuse what you do for yourself! Stop going grocery shopping, taking the kids to the pool, or taking your husband's clothes to the dry cleaner. You should have at least half an hour free, and this half hour should be spent only on yourself - for your own pleasure.

And it's all. This is what the exercise is all about.

I tried it once at a women's time management workshop I taught in Oregon, and the participants were blown away. It took them a few minutes to realize the seriousness of my proposal, and then they began to stand up one after another and tell me what they were going to refuse.

“I’ll stop ironing shirts,” said one woman.

– I won’t type on the computer school assignments children,” said another.

And it went! All evening after the master class and the next day in the hotel lobby, in the elevators and in the restaurant, the participants asked each other with a conspiratorial look: “What are you giving up?”

To protect them from the feeling of guilt that would certainly arise if their loved ones began to complain, I dictated a short speech to them - very tough, but fair. Here it is in case you want to use it:

“I go to the store, cook, make your beds and take you where you need to go, and earn money to share with you - and I do it with pleasure, because I love you. I want you to have the freedom to study, do your work, and live well. And I want to know if you love me enough to give me half an hour to make me feel good too - or do you prefer a cooked dinner? If you’re more of a dinner person, I’d really like to know that.”

It's time for moms to wake up—and their families too. Hang a note on the refrigerator that says “In this house All they get what they need, and so does mom.”

And when the kids get home from school and start chopping vegetables for dinner because mom is engrossed in reading poetry in the office, the whole family will understand what the adventure is all about.

Now let me ask you a very important question.

What will your adventure be like?

What do you really want?

If you are a person of determination, you are different from those who don't do what they love because you are more likely to know what you want. You hold on to “sure thing” jobs to insure yourself against the “risky adventure” that beckons you. You almost always know exactly what the adventure is about. Still, it takes a little courage to consider it, and I will try to make this process as safe as possible. Let's imagine two things. Firstly, that you are a very brave person and nothing stops you. This fantasy is within your reach. And secondly, let’s imagine that you will never fail. Now tell us what exactly you are doing - write it down on a piece of paper or on a tape recorder.

Exercise 5. What would you do if you had the courage and knew for sure that you would succeed?

Sue D., 47, supermom and volunteer: “I would study Greek history, master Greek, and spend every summer in this country reading Plato.”

Virginia, 33, literary teacher: “I would write from nine to twelve every morning, after lunch I would play with the children until dinner, and after dinner I would write for another two hours - and so on every day.”

Bob, 50, scientist: “I would live in different countries for a year.”

Judy, 33, programmer: “I would work with people, not computers.”

Cindy, 34, college administrator: “I would move to California and start my own business.”

But don’t you think that most people are just lazy and all they need to do is just “get it done”?

This is absolutely not true. I am deeply convinced that no one is lazy. Remember how you run, trying to catch the bus, how carefully you dress when you want to look stunning. If you were truly lazy, you would be lazy here too.

I bet you think you're lazy when it comes to winterizing your windows or washing your car, right? Is this real laziness?

But no. This is resistance. You just don't want to do it. You would refuse if you could get away with it. But such a number will not work, and you are playing for time. It's probably stupid, but we all act like that. (I came up with the Hard Times Tantrum Sessions to break down resistance, make you laugh, and restore your energy. The technique is described in my book. Check it out if you encounter this problem.)

But if you really want to do something and still don't, the reason is more complicated. You are fighting with yourself, and it is very exhausting.

You are dealing with an internal conflict.

Whenever you shy away from your favorite activity, internal conflict occurs. Two powerful forces are fighting each other and do not allow you to move. One force says: “Act.” The other one says, “Stop.” As a result, you are stuck in an awkward, tense stillness.

Attempts to convince the force that wants action to prevail over the opposing force provide only minor, temporary solutions. You can’t solve a problem with persuasion, any more than you can shake a pebble out of your shoe with persuasion. Cliche slogans like “Take it and do it!” too superficial to help for long. This also applies to recipes like: “Ignore negative thoughts. Life is what we make it. Tell yourself that you are safe and you will be safe.” The only way to deal with the force that is holding you back is to respect it, get to know it, find out where it comes from and why it is holding you back.

Let me show you how Judy dealt with this.

Cautious Judy

Judy was super careful almost always. Each decision required endless research, many meetings with different people. Often, at the last moment, everything ended in the abandonment of well-developed and carefully planned projects like travel. She never particularly liked the job of a programmer, and lacked the determination to change something. Her dream may not seem too grandiose to you, but to her it seemed unattainable, like the sky. She wanted to work with people, not computers. But she couldn't take the first step. Although there were no obvious reasons for hesitation, nor, indeed, any risk. But Judy didn't move. She's just stuck.

“I don’t know why - I can’t even go to the board with the exam schedule,” she said. Like a magnet turned to the other pole, resistance repels her from any action.

Judy is scared to death, but she doesn't know it. She doesn’t feel afraid because she always plays it safe. Until she gets to the exam schedule, what should she be afraid of? A feeling of danger arises with the first steps, so she does not take any steps.

What scared Judy?

Safety margin

If you “accumulated” enough security in your body as a child, you can calmly set out on adventures. After all, nature wants us to have both: safety for long life and reproduction, and adventure for hunting, exploring and finding a mate.

If you see a person who does not even try to realize his desires, this means that he did not develop a sense of security in childhood. He feels some kind of danger, and when there is a feeling of danger for no apparent reason in the present, it is worth looking for them in the past.

In Judy's case, the reasons clearly lie in early childhood. The situation in her family was catastrophic. The father left his mother, an infantile woman, and left her alone to raise five children. Nothing was organized in the house and nothing was done correctly - the family was constantly on the verge of collapse. By the time Judy was six, she was used to being on her guard. One day, her mother left her little sister in the supermarket. Returning home, I burst into tears, fell apart and found myself unable to do anything. Six-year-old Judy ran to look for the child. It took a long time because Judy didn't know which store she'd been left in, but she finally found the baby sitting quietly in her stroller at the end of the merchandise aisle. Judy rolled the stroller outside with great relief, but in her search she had wandered so far from home that she had difficulty finding her way back.

This was the most significant of the events of this kind, but there were plenty of less dramatic ones. Judy's mother was completely out of control. Therefore, the girl tried her best to prevent any troubles, she believed: any risk would derail their whole life.

Now absolutely everything seems terribly risky to her.

To overcome Judy's precautionary tendencies, difficult task. Of course, she herself was aware of her past experiences, but she did not understand how much they continued to affect her. Many people do not realize that events from distant childhood force us to play it safe.

But sometimes this is exactly what happens.

That's why you will never hear from me that you didn't achieve what you wanted solely because of your own fault. I hope you don't let anyone - not even yourself - get the idea that you're not trying hard enough and don't really want to change, because that's like telling a car without gas that it's not trying hard enough to go. Trust me, you are not careful because you want to be.

But there is a way to change.

It is important to understand that the problem cannot be attacked head-on, no matter how much we would like it to be. But we want, and that’s why self-improvement programs are so attractive, which encourage us to act “head-on” and tempt us to shell out a lot of money for “five simple steps to personal perfection.”

In EST training, participants are called "assholes." This is, of course, an extreme option, but all programs that promise to lead you to success seem to be built on some form of judgment. They mean, “Stop being such a jerk! You create your own crappy reality. You just need to change your perspective on things!” And we really like it. Refreshing and invigorating. We emerge with renewed determination.

But after some time we return to the old way again. Why? Because a hidden – damn stubborn – feeling makes us behave “less than ideally” and we still haven’t dealt with it. You can't push your entire personal history under the rug and then dance on it. You will definitely stumble.

Something scared you

You are not afraid because you decided to be a coward. Something scared you! But you just can't remember the reason. Believe me, the facade of caution always hides the drama that happens inside. And you need to find out what it is.

But first you need to stop beating yourself up.

No one is as merciless to themselves as adherents of the “right cause.” They got the idea from somewhere that if you are stricter with yourself, you can influence your own behavior and improve it.

“It’s my fault,” says such a person. “If I had the willpower, I would pull myself together and do everything.” The only reason is me."

But it is useless to scold yourself. When I was a child, it was fashionable to think that children love to misbehave. Whoever came up with this came to the conclusion through complex intellectual maneuvers. After all, no one likes to ruin their own life. Remember: did it seem to you that it was very cool to get bad marks, get fat, or anger your parents? Of course not. The same is true for an overly cautious approach to life: you you do not want this.

In any case, even if all your shortcomings really exist - and I insist that they do not - scolding yourself is completely useless, because self-judgment does not affect willpower. Actually, to condemn your behavior is to shirk again. By blaming yourself, you think that you are doing something worthy. Believe me, this is an illusion. And as a punishment it is useless. When you stop beating yourself up, a lot of free space will appear, and you will have something to occupy it with.

Don't let others judge you either. It costs nothing to judge others. Any fool can handle this.

To truly make a difference, you must recognize that there is a good reason for your problem—and find that reason.

Only then will you be able to fix it.

Why weren't we taught to look for serious reasons for our bad behavior? I guess it's because in the short term it's much easier to blame yourself than it is to think about.

So let's think about your situation a little.

What voice sounds in your head?

Parent, teacher, older brother or sister. This voice has settled inside you and does not allow you to act.

Alicia's parents responded with fear to every attempt she made to make friends or try a new activity. They urged her to be careful, to do only proven things - as if danger was waiting around every turn. Both mother and father were the youngest children in immigrant families, and their lives in the new country were strictly controlled by the older children. As a result, Alicia's parents did not know how to take initiative and make their own decisions. They lacked the experience of interacting with the world that could give them confidence. Even if family messages seem stupid to us, they are still absorbed by us. This is how we learn. Our minds are wired to protect us from danger, and in early childhood it is easiest to let these voices in so that they remind us again and again: the world is a very dangerous place.

It was easy for Alicia to tell her parents that they were the ones who were too afraid, but their voices stuck in her head. Now, every time she decides to take a bold action, she begins to panic and tries to retreat. She leaves new jobs, doesn’t show up on dates, and avoids large companies.

2. Your parents were so out of control that you created your own voice as a parent.

If your parents were irresponsible, unreliable, or unmanageable, you had to become your own parent. How? You created a voice that kept you safe by scolding you and reminding you that it was important to maintain order and not be careless. The more the parents went crazy, the stronger this voice sounded.

Control issues and magic

When the world gets out of control, we humans do strange things: we invent magic. We try to control the universe by playing peculiar games. In fact, we are not able to completely protect our lives - poor health, war and weather can affect us at any time. Animals somehow get along with this helplessness, but we cannot bear it and therefore we pretend to do something. Nadine is very strict about the condition of her clothes. Clothes must be spotlessly clean and laid out in the chest of drawers in perfect order. Nadine did this with early childhood. This is her kind of magic. Like the Indian dance to make rain, it provides her with the feeling that the uncontrollable universe can be influenced. How does this manifest itself? In the form of a voice that reads parental notation: “Look at you! The dress is dirty. There are holes in the socks. You're disgusting." Every year the rates are rising...

And today, Nadine has a tyrant living in her head - as harsh as only a parent can be. And he controls her every move. Until Nadine realizes that neatly folding clothes will not make her mother a normal mother, she will remain hostage to obsessive behavior.

3. In your family, “no” was a silent command - you never heard it, but it was in the air.

Sometimes the source of the voice in your head is very difficult to get to - as in Cindy's case. She had a wonderful childhood, which she remembers with pleasure. Her parents never seemed to be afraid because they had everything under control. “Nothing ever happened in our house. Everyone was nice and everything was done right. We all seemed to be happy. No one got sick and the soup never boiled over. My father always came home at five thirty - every weekday, and my mother always had dinner ready. In fact, I have never seen such a well-functioning family life. Our tires have never even gone flat!”

Cindy went to study at a community college near her home and upon graduation remained to work there in administration. She liked the work. She created a brilliant system for organizing finances, changing an outdated model and achieving amazing results. “I have a natural ability to work with systems and numbers and organize everything. I love it." But she was regularly underpaid and undervalued. She would love to do the same kind of work somewhere else—maybe in California. I said she could start a consulting business and solve administrative problems for similar colleges around the country. We brainstormed together and found ways to post information in topical journals. The plan began to look quite feasible. But in the end, Cindy admitted that she was terribly afraid of quitting her current job. She was afraid that “everything would get out of control.” Why was she so scared? After all, in childhood, everything around was perfectly organized.

I suggested that Cindy ask her parents about their childhood, and an amazing secret was revealed. It turned out that her father had a terrible childhood, but she knew nothing about it. His brother was schizophrenic and terrorized the entire family. Cindy's father did everything he could to protect his relatives from him, but in the end he simply left home. He knew what it was like to have no control over a situation, and he didn’t want anything like that in his life, so he married a nice woman who loved family comfort and hated conflict. Together they created a safe haven - the home where Cindy grew up. But everything he did was an assertion of safety and control in memory of the danger he had experienced - and somehow the children caught on to this.

Such voices cannot be ignored, but it is also not necessary to limit yourself according to their orders. Sometimes it is enough to see that the problem is a voice from the past. But sometimes this insight is not enough - and before moving on, you need to work on the problem.

Here's how Judy and Cindy did it.

Judy took tiny steps to avoid setting off the alarm system. She set a single goal: to reduce the anxiety that prevented her from moving. Since she is afraid of doing spontaneous things, she told herself to go out and buy ice cream as soon as the thought came to her mind. There seems to be no risk, but this is the first step to subsequently overstepping other safety rules established by her. Once these tiny steps are safe for her, Judy will be able to plan - and carry out - bolder actions.

Cindy began looking for a job in the career services department at a community college in the city she wanted to move to. She also forces herself to look at local job advertisements. Because she'll have to stay on top of local job openings to develop a program she can sell to community colleges, she might one day find a job that's perfect for her.

Anyone who chooses safety over adventure must start with tiny steps. So set a goal—even a very modest one—and start planning. Decide to become an actor, learn karate, or go hiking. Don't worry too much about whether you'll actually achieve that goal—taking steps in any new direction provides adventure. All you need to do is start behaving differently with minimal risk.

Write a list of what you need to do to achieve your goal. Don't set a time limit for individual steps, just put them in the right order. (Planning guidelines are available in.)

There is no need to give up on your “sure thing” just yet - start training with small steps. Do things you've avoided before, take "small" risks and "small" adventures until your love of the craft and experience of risk give you enough confidence. Some have made enormous intellectual breakthroughs without ever leaving the safety of their jobs.

Wallace Stevens was one of the greatest American poets of the 20th century. He, too, preferred caution and held on to a very secure job at an insurance company - and wrote beautiful poetry in his free time.

And my hero Albert Einstein worked as a clerk in a patent office. And he was quite pleased with it.

Chapter 5 Fear of Success: Leaving Loved Ones Behind

You have a problem that many people wish they had: you are afraid of success. Most people do not need to fear success because they believe that such danger does not seriously threaten them. For them, your fear is a luxury, like the fear of great wealth.

They cannot understand how painful it is to drop the ball every time when the winning shot is almost guaranteed. They don't understand why a person with such abilities misses amazing opportunities over and over again. And this is a mystery for you too.

You know you're gifted because you get noticed. You were given many chances, and the people who offered them were not wrong. They've seen what you're capable of.

However, every time you got closer to fulfilling your desire, something happened - in key moment you lost focus and directed your energy towards something unimportant, or your mood mysteriously fell and you felt tired when you most needed to be cheerful.

Sometimes, instead of outright sabotage, you lose focus and become detached from what you're doing. “This job won't take me anywhere. Maybe I should quit? said Lisa K., strangely unenthusiastic after three months in an amazing job that led straight to her dream career. She began taking extra days off and missing important meetings. At first, Lisa found a lot of excuses, but one day she realized that she herself had no idea why she was behaving so strangely.

There was some reason behind her inexplicable behavior. There is a reason for your behavior. We need to find her because something unknown is clearly harming you.

Take a good look at your life and you'll likely see a history of missed opportunities that goes back to childhood.

If you understand why you have such a strange relationship with success, the past will not affect your future. And I would like you to do this right now.

Exercise 1. Giving up success

Take a piece of paper and on the left top corner In the margin, write down the earliest age when you probably began to fear success. If you don't remember exactly, write "5 years". Below - “10 years” and continue this way, in increments of five years, until your current age. Next to each age, write down what you did to avoid getting what you really wanted. If you don't remember sabotaging, write down any notable things that come to mind about that year. There may be some surprises waiting for you.

Here's what Beverly, 31, an office manager at a real estate agency, wrote:

“5 years: I did what I wanted. I learned to read! No problem.

10 years old: brother became very harmful towards me. He stopped being my friend. I played alone in my room and tried not to be noticed at home.

At school I talked too much with my friends, and that's why I got into trouble with the teacher. I tried not to make noise, but I kept forgetting about it. It seemed to me that if people didn’t smile at me, it meant they didn’t like me. And I tried to make everyone laugh.

15 years old: boys began to interest me most. They didn't want to date girls who were too smart, so I tried to play dumb, but I was always interested in what they were talking about - and I forgot to keep my mouth shut. I felt like I lacked the qualities that boys liked.

Age 20: I went to college and finally found myself surrounded by attention, but I wasn't happy about it. It seemed to me that young people only wanted sex, and they didn’t really like me. I guess I wanted someone to truly fall in love with me.

For the first time I had problems with my studies - I found that I was losing interest in it. I simply stopped seeing the point in studying.

Later, when I finally graduated from college, I began to experience something like depression. I didn’t go further to study, even though I could have. I still couldn’t figure out what I wanted to study.

Age 25: After working part-time in several places, I became an office manager. And I’m still doing this work.”

Beverly ended her timeline at age 25 because she felt that by this time her self-sabotage had become fully formed.

But when forty-three-year-old Marcia, a voice coach, did this exercise, it turned out that she had no problems until she was twenty-five! A difficult childhood with alcoholic parents did not hinder her determination to endure everything and get her life together. Carefully executing the plan professional development, she was preparing herself for a career as a motivational speaker. However, on the evening before her first important performance, Marcia lost her voice. Doctors did not reveal physical reasons problems, and she resumed her hard work, but a few months later the situation repeated itself. She refused public speaking. Started to gain weight. Of course she was very upset. She studied how the voice works for several years and eventually became a speech production consultant. Marcia studied her voice so well that she was able to subjugate it and was already able to perform. But now it has become an obstacle excess weight. She refused to give lectures until she lost weight - and she did not lose weight. She did not allow herself to succeed in this matter.

What does your story look like?

Take a close look at your notes.

Has it ever happened that you created a problem for yourself exactly where everything could have turned out very well? Are you not sure? Then answer yourself the following questions.

If you really wanted something, did you say it directly? Did you persevere towards your goal even when difficulties arose? Have you met people on your own initiative because you wanted or needed one? Did you enjoy being successful in sports, in school, or at parties? How did you feel when you brought home sports awards or good grades, brought home a wonderful young man or a wonderful girl?

Sometimes, to avoid success, it is enough to refuse to be active for your own sake. I don't mean anything extreme - just a normal, healthy desire to act, which is characteristic of any child. You also had this energy. How did you lose her? Has it always been this way? Or were you fearless and assertive until you were ten, fifteen, twenty-five years old and only then did you have trouble achieving what you wanted?

End of introductory fragment.

Font: Less Ahh More Ahh

Scientific editor Alika Kalajda

Published with permission from Andrew Nurnberg Literary Agency

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

© Barbara Sher, 1994

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. Mann, Ivanov and Ferber LLC, 2019

* * *

In memory of my beloved father Sam Sher.

He lit up our lives

Preface

Not knowing what you want to do in life is a serious matter. It's not nice to not have a goal. In my first book, “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful,” I call achieving what you want a victory and describe how, step by step, to move toward victory and create a life where your cherished dreams will come true. However, for many years now, readers have been contacting me with the words: “I really like your book, but I can’t use it because I don’t have a goal. I just don't know what I want."

I got curious. I decided to find out what the problem with these people was and began meeting with those who could not decide on their own desires. They told me their stories, I asked questions, and it soon became clear that all these clients were stuck in internal struggles that they did not even suspect.

It never occurred to them that deep down they know what they want, but their desires are masked by internal conflict. When they learned about the problem, they were very surprised and greatly relieved. All that remained was to develop a plan to circumvent these conflicts, which was surprisingly easy. People woke up to life and took action after one or two meetings!

It was amazing. And I decided to collect all our discoveries and strategies - and combine them in a book so that they are available to everyone who needs help.

Now you are holding this book in your hands.

Are you not doing what you love and not pursuing your dreams because you can’t figure out what exactly you want? I assure you, you are not alone. The problem is common and there is a solution. Once you recognize yourself in the descriptions on these pages, you will immediately be introduced to techniques that can help you. Don't be surprised if you find characteristics that are characteristic of yourself in several chapters at once. Read everything. Most of us are complex, multifaceted creatures, and the exercise that will be your breakthrough could be in any of the chapters.

Working on a book will be a fun, educational, sometimes painful, and often very fun experience. Sometimes it is not easy to understand what is happening inside, but if you do, you will experience a surge of energy and great rewards.

You can do anything if you just find out what exactly you want. And it will happen soon.

Introduction

The purpose of this book is to help you improve your life. When I talk about the good life, I don't mean swimming pools, mansions and private jets - unless you really dream about them. But the reader who is interested in a book called “What to Dream About. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it,” probably not about swimming pools.

You want to truly love your life.

My friend's father explained it perfectly: "A good life is when you get up in the morning and can't wait to start all over again."

Is this the case for you? Or does this idea of ​​the good life seem like an unattainable heavenly ideal? If you don't jump out of bed in the morning excited about the day ahead, I know for sure that you are desperate to find a goal that will make you feel like my friend's father. You crave a job that will give you energy and fill you with enthusiasm. You passionately dream of finding a place where you will leave your mark. Albert Schweitzer found his place, and so did Golda Meir, and the neighbor boy who played the guitar day and night also found it.

Such people know how to live. They believe in their business with all their hearts. They know that their work is important.

When you're around people who have found their calling, you see the sense of purpose on their faces.

Life is too short to live without a goal.

In the early 1980s, two psychologists from Harvard University studied people who considered themselves happy. What did they have in common? Money? Success? Health? Love?

Nothing like this.

They were united by only two things: they knew exactly what they wanted, and they felt that they were moving towards their goal.

That's what a good life is: you have a goal and you go straight to the object of your love.

Yes, I'm talking about love.

It's not about skills and abilities. I don't care what skills you have. Do you know what I could do when I was a single mother with two small children? Clean the house with demonic speed; catch the bus while holding laundry bags, grocery bags and children; squeeze everything possible out of the dollar, so that the portrait of George Washington began to beg for mercy.

Thanks, but I'm not interested in a career that would benefit from these skills.

I don't believe that a good life will come from what you know how to do. It's important that you do what you want to do. Moreover, I believe that skills do not reflect your true talents. We are all good at doing things that don't bring us any pleasure. And everyone has absolutely untapped abilities.

Don't rely on your skills when choosing a direction in life. That's why I'm not going to give personality tests and skills tests to determine what you should do.

I know what you need to do.

The things you love.

You are talented at what you love. Only love will give you the strength and energy to do something as long as it takes to develop your abilities. This is how great achievements are achieved - ordinary people like you or me know what they want and put their all into it.

If you don't know what you want, you can't even get to the starting line - and that's frustrating. But you are not alone. Recent studies have shown that as many as 98 percent of Americans are dissatisfied with their jobs. But it’s not just the financial issue that keeps them in place – they simply don’t know what to do instead. You may have thought of this condition as a personal nightmare, but in reality it is terribly common.

Well, I have a surprise for you.

In reality, you know what you want.

Everyone knows this. That's why you have no peace until you find your way. You feel that you are destined for some specific task. And you're right. Einstein needed to develop physical theories, Harriet Tubman needed to lead people to freedom, and you need to follow your unique purpose. As Vartan Grigoryan said: “There will never be another person like you in the Universe, never in the entire history of mankind.” Each of us is unique. Every person has a unique view of the world, and this originality always wants to express itself.

But something stops many. When we decide to change our lives, pick up the baton and enter the race, something always happens. For some mysterious reason, our resolve is fading. We look at the baton and think: “No, this is not mine.” And we put it aside, worrying that time is running out, that we will never find “our own.”

There are two reasons for this.

First of all, it is very difficult to know what we want because we have so many options to choose from. It wasn't always like this. Our parents and their parents had more limited options and clearer goals. We owe the current freedom in search of life's work to the success of our culture.

Freedom is wonderful. But it is also painful because it requires us to set our own goals.

Did you know that during war, fewer people suffer from depression? During such periods everything is important. Every day you know exactly what needs to be done. Despite the fear, the struggle for survival provides direction and energy. You don't waste time trying to figure out what you're worth or what you should do with your life. You are just trying to survive, save your home, help your neighbors. We like films about people who find themselves in mortal danger - because every step of the heroes is full of meaning.

And when there are no emergency situations that dictate goals, meaningful goals have to be created. It is possible if you have a dream, but we have little experience of this kind.

Secondly, something in us prevents us from realizing your desires. Some internal conflict prevents them from being seen. Determining its essence is not so easy. Often he disguises himself as self-reproach: “Maybe I don’t have any talents. Maybe I'm just lazy. If I were smarter, I would achieve more in life."

And none of these accusations are true.

The first purpose of this book is to shed light on your inner conflict so that you can clearly see its outlines. Having determined what was stopping you, you will immediately understand why you could not arrange your life the way you want. You will stop reproaching yourself. And you realize that your inaction has a reason.

In our culture there are a lot of primitive accusatory myths like: “If you really want something, you will achieve it.” Or: “If you prevent yourself from acting, it means you lack character.” No one asks the obvious question: “Why on earth would a person interfere with himself?” Finding the answer requires curiosity, and people who tend to judge others always lack it.

In the following chapters, we will learn how to relieve these feelings of guilt and replace them with honest and unbiased curiosity. I deeply respect sincere curiosity and have no respect at all for smug self-righteousness. You will get useful answers, answers that will help us, if you apply the principle “everything happens for a reason.” Of course, there is a reason why you don't know where to go. This book will help you find it.

For now, just remember: whatever you did before you opened the book, it is not due to laziness, stupidity, or cowardice. Many self-improvement programs, even very useful ones, are often based on the assumption that you did not achieve what you wanted because you did not develop the right way of thinking. They judge you and imply that you need to fix it first.

Now, forget about it.

To truly enjoy your life, you don’t need to become better or change your attitude towards the situation. You are already good enough. Moreover, the smartest thing is to take and get what you want before you start working on yourself. Once on the right path, you will see how the “wrong” way of thinking will miraculously change.

I don't plan to put you into a program that requires you to become a different person. Life is not so simple, and wishful thinking will not achieve anything. I also don't believe that you can solve problems with positive thinking. A system that requires you to artificially change your thoughts and pretend that you are experiencing feelings that are not there is not sustainable enough in the long term. Creative visualization also has limitations. I know many people who cannot visualize and people who experience intense internal conflict even when imagining the things they love. Yes, the idea of ​​“creating your own reality” sounds promising, but there is a downside: if everything goes wrong, you will have something to blame. This is unfair. You are not so omnipotent as to be solely responsible for your own destiny - and there is no such need.

However, you need to understand why you don't know what you want. Once a completely credible explanation is found, something can finally be done about it.

The second purpose of the book is to show exactly how to do this. Each chapter contains tools and strategies to help you stop fighting within yourself whenever you need to, now and in the future.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2 and Chapter 3 are intended for all readers. They will shed light on your inner conflict, and you will see its outlines. Once the overall picture of the problem is clear, you can move on to the chapter that offers the strategy that's right for you.

Understanding what an internal conflict is is not so difficult, because once you learn to listen, you will notice that it is quite noisy. One side is in favor of getting what you want, while the other is determined to keep you. All that remains is to listen carefully to the louder voice: it will lead to strategies that can help.

You may hear, “I want so many things that I can never choose.” Chapter 6 tells you how to get it all. (She'll also show you how to focus on one thing at a time, if you secretly want that ability.)

What if you are considered very successful, you have a fast career, but you are unhappy? And an inner voice asks: “How can you give up success? How will I live if I do this?” Take a fresh look at your options by turning to Chapter 7.

If you seem to know what you want, but a voice insists: “You can’t want something that is so banal and insignificant,” chapter 8 is for you. Perhaps the problems are rooted in “your tribe” - in family, friends, customs: you want it , which goes against everything you have been taught.

If you have just graduated from school, university or training program and a voice says: “I am afraid to choose - in case I find myself trapped!”, then turn to Chapter 9. It will show you how to avoid being stuck in the wrong place and start living.

Chapter 10 will help if you have just gone through a big change, such as retiring or letting your children go out on their own. In this case, your voice may be saying, “I don’t have a master plan for the future.”

If you hear: “What's the point of acting? I'll only be disappointed. Nothing compares to what I already had but is now lost,” move on to Chapter 11, which examines the loss of a cherished dream. You will find that life still has meaning.

And if you hear inside: “I’m trying to achieve something, but, frankly, I’m not in the mood for it, I don’t know why,” your situation is not as mysterious as it might seem. Take a look at Chapter 14 and you may find that in reality want to do what you are trying to give up.

If you still can't figure out what your inner voice is saying, don't worry. By the end of Chapter 3 you will hear it. I guarantee it.

Once you begin to feel your way, you will find yourself on the leading edge of a massive historical change. In modern industrial society, almost everyone - whether they like it or not - has to figure out what kind of job and life they want. Sooner or later, all people (of any age) ask themselves: “What do I want to do?”

Gone are the days when students took the path of least resistance and went to, say, a career in banking or further education at the Faculty of Law, believing that this choice was the end of lifelong career planning. According to one research firm, college graduates last year are likely to hold ten to twelve jobs in five different fields over the course of their professional lives. Whether you like it or not, everyone has a second career in the pipeline. Or maybe the third. Or even more.

Corporations continue to lay off employees, and not only because of recent crises: we are entering a new period in economic history. Global competition is forcing companies to transform themselves into smaller and more efficient ones. They are shrinking in size by about two-thirds and may never grow larger. Middle managers are rendered unnecessary. Secretaries are being replaced by technology. The top twenty students at any college or business school may still get good offers from employers, but the rest are on their own.

The trend is clear: we will become a nation of experts - consultants and entrepreneurs. Many will work from home and be paid for specific projects based on ability.

And who will shine brilliantly in the face of change? Those who are ready to turn what they love into their own niche - a niche in which they will succeed. Never before have we had such a strong need to identify our talents.

So, let's go! Let's look at why you don't know what you want. And then we'll try to do something about it.

Chapter 1. What was expected of you?

What should you do with your life? Interesting question, isn't it? After all, even when you yourself don’t understand what you want to do, you often know what was expected of you.

I was expected to get married, move in next door to my parents, raise children and run a household.

And it seems that everyone I ask has the answer to this question:

“They expected me to work in the printing house with my father.”

“I had to marry a hereditary financier and raise five child prodigies in a mansion on the seashore.”

“My father wanted me to become a partner in a Wall Street law firm, or the president of a bank, or the head of a corporation—some big shot.”

“I was not supposed to be more successful than my brothers.”

“I was expected to do something special, but I could never figure out what it was.”

Silent attitudes live in each of us - someone's expectations. You can never speak about them out loud, rebel against them, refuse to follow them. But, one way or another, we always know about them. And these attitudes greatly influence our lives.

How is it going with you? What was your purpose? Maybe you are one of the lucky ones, like Picasso, who knew that he was born to become an artist. Silent attitudes can be an invaluable clue, or they can be a broken compass.

And if it really is a broken compass and you are wandering away from your calling, it is sometimes very painful to watch how the Picasso of this world happily and laboriously go through life. You think: why are you so unlucky?

Families, communities, and even entire cultures in which we are all raised, inundate us with their expectations. Sometimes these attitudes scream like billboards: “Get married. Earn money. Buy a house." And sometimes they are veiled - and quietly creep into us. And they remain. And they never get out into the light, where they could be clearly examined and either rejected or openly accepted.

We usually forget how and when we received instructions on what to do with our lives - just as we forget when we learned to eat with a fork or not to pee in bed. But whenever this happens, they remain with us, and we react to them - usually without thinking. Some obey instructions, some rebel, but everyone responds.

Think for a moment about your life and your goals. Are you living as expected of you?

They wanted me to live next to my parents And At the same time, she was an international spy journalist who spent her days and nights on luxurious travel and dangerous intrigues. A difficult life plan. Firstly, it is impossible to do it. Secondly, I didn’t want to. For a homebody, I love adventure too much, but for a spy I don’t love it enough.

Like you, I was born into a world where ideas of right and wrong surrounded me on all sides - and I wanted to do the right thing. And so, although the settings given to me were impossible to implement, I spent years turning them over in my head, trying to find a way to comply with them.

Sometimes the ideas we have internalized contradict each other and do not suit us. However, they are part of the world in which we were born. They penetrate deep. And they influence us. And even if parents sincerely try not to put pressure on their children, this still happens. Children are susceptible to influence in any case. They learn quickly, and sometimes magically. In childhood, we even catch what is not spoken.

Each such message - explicit or veiled - sinks into the mind, where it can remain for the rest of our adult lives, impeding our happiness. For example, you seem to know what you want, you are successful at your job and you are very passionate about it, but nevertheless you are haunted by the feeling that you should be doing something else.

Journalist Jack M., 29, who reported from hot spots in South Africa at the height of the anti-apartheid struggle and loved his job, told me: “I should have been a doctor. For some reason journalism was not considered an occupation worthy of me.”

Benita B., 36, single and making a great living on Wall Street, said: “I was supposed to will get married for a successful person, not I'll become one of them."

It is obvious how harmful these attitudes are to Jack, Benita and Susan. Unfortunately, it's not so easy to see how these same kinds of expectations are hurting you.

I offer a method that will help you begin to analyze your own situation. Try asking yourself a simple question:

Who said that?

Who said you shouldn't do what you do? And, for that matter, who says that you must do exactly that?

I urge you to give a specific answer. If you want to free yourself from the restrictions imposed by other people's expectations and start doing what you want, you need to determine as accurately as possible how these attitudes reached you and who set them.

Our classmates, neighbors, maybe a teacher or coach - all these people planted some ideas in us. But we mainly derive our earliest and most unshakable attitudes from our family. If you're like most people, the wishes of your relatives still resonate in the depths of your mind - so persistently that you engage in a continuous internal monologue in response to them. You think: “So much for you! Got?!" Or: “This will make them happy.” Or: “Oh, they probably really don’t like what I’m doing. We need to call and talk." The desires of family give meaning—good or bad—to all our activities. Even if we think we don't care.

So, how was it going in your family? How did you learn about your relatives' expectations?

Maybe they directly said what they want from you?

“You will be a doctor. “Everyone in our family is doctors.”

“You should study to be an accountant and go to the family firm. We broke our backs while we were earning money for you to go to college, so now you’re in our debt.”

Or were the attitudes less explicit? Maybe you were told quite specifically what you should not do in the future?

John L. dreamed of becoming a politician, but his father, who always complained about government interference in his business, despised politicians. “The Congressmen,” said John’s dad, “will sell you whole for pennies.”

Carol J. wanted to become an actress. On her fourteenth birthday, over dinner, she talked about her dream, and the family responded unanimously: “You won’t succeed here. No one can do this. Forget".

Or maybe the family didn’t say anything directly, but made their desires very clear when discussing other people:

“Bill’s wife gets a lot more than he does – isn’t it a shame?” (If you are a boy, this means that you should earn good money in the future. If you are a girl, it is better not to do this.)

“The Smiths’ son showed such hope, but in the end he is interrupted by trifles. But the Joneses have a great son - he resells real estate and drives a Mercedes. Just twenty-seven!” (It is quite obvious what kind of son you should become.)

Or your family didn't say anything at all. And you received silent attitudes that were not discussed.

You were simply “drawing conclusions.”

Many parents say: “Do whatever you want, as long as you are happy.” But if they really mean it, then your family is one in a thousand, and I envy you. Unlike others, you can seek out your life's work and enjoy it without suffering from internal conflicts. (If you're not sure if your family is truly one in a thousand, try telling your parents you're a happy stripper or happily dropping out of medical school and you'll quickly find out.)

Well, now, having figured out which way the wind blows with the family’s expectations, let’s take a closer look at your relatives again, but from a different angle. What did they want from you?

Exercise 1. They wanted me to...

Take a blank piece of paper and write down the names of all family members and people close to you. That is, list everyone who was important to you in childhood and adolescence: teachers, coaches, neighbors, cousins, older friends.

Under each name, write down what kind of life that person wanted for you. If you have your own family, you can add some spice by including current family members in the wish list. So, make a long list: let it include everyone you lived with as a child and live with now.

What do these people want or wanted from you?

No need to think long. Record the first thing that comes to mind. Even if you are not completely sure that you know exactly their opinion, what matters is that you consider their opinion this is what influences your inner voice. Misunderstood expectations affected you just as much as correct guesses.

Think about it, what did all these people want from you?

Okay, now look at the answers.

Your list probably looks something like this:

MY LOVED ONES WANTED ME...

MOTHER: was caring and respectable - and became a lawyer.

DAD: He was brave and strived to win - and became an investment banker.

BENNY: was a real hero.

KAREN: was invisible - didn't attract much attention.

GRANDMOTHER: was always with her.

Sometimes this short list helps to understand a variety of things, as it happened with George J. Here is his list:

PAPA: almost didn’t communicate with me, but he loved opera. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that I need to somehow connect myself with opera. I married an opera singer and he finally accepted me. My wife and I were ill-suited for each other and were completely miserable. She wanted to leave, but I was terribly afraid to let her go. I had never seen the connection between these things before.

MOTHER: I always tried to maintain a peaceful environment in the house. The father was angry and silent, and the mother wanted everything to look calm and good. This is probably why I concluded that my life should seem calm and good. So I went to a “normal” job - in a corporation, although I really didn’t like it. Well, I have a very calm life. A real swamp.

Take a good look at your list again and you'll notice something interesting. If you're like most people, you'll see these expectations take a complex turn: There are many of them, and some may turn out to be completely opposite. Remember how I was expected to stay at home and at the same time become a spy flying around the world? Perhaps all family members wanted different things from you. And it’s possible that someone wanted something so incompatible that you could never figure out how to actually achieve it.

Lois M.'s mother said she wanted her daughter to be popular and famous, but when Lois was a teenager, she begged her not to draw attention to herself. How can a person be famous and not attract attention?

Billy R. also received conflicting instructions: “I had to start my own family and at the same time stay with my parents forever.” Really, I wonder where Bill was supposed to build a family nest? In your parents' living room?

These expectations put us in an obviously impossible situation, tying us hand and foot. We are asked to immediately rush to do everything that we are forbidden to do. Or something that can't be done. Or what we are not capable of. At the same time, our minds are distracted from what is most important - developing our unique talents. As children, we are faced with two very serious tasks. We need to figure out what others want from us and what we want ourselves. And when the first task does not allow us to complete the second, we are lost.

It's no wonder we have a hard time figuring out what we want from life.

You see, our families love us as much as they can. But they were not taught listen children, and bring up. And if our relatives don’t listen to us, they are unlikely to know about our dreams, let alone respect them. But dreams make us who we are.

It is easier for almost anyone we meet to respect our aspirations than for our family. If you don't believe me, do a comparison test. If you find yourself in an unfamiliar company, share with them your most wonderful O and the idea that comes to mind. For example, say that you dream of breeding Dalmatians in the Himalayas, but you do not yet have contacts in Tibet. You will see how the interest of your interlocutors will flare up. They will even try to solve your problem.

Interest is the most sincere form of respect.

You and these strangers are strangers to each other, but we all sometimes fall under the spell of someone else's ideas. Any new beginning is intriguing - such is human nature - unless, of course, we have personal reasons to react differently. Our relatives have a lot of such reasons, while strangers have an unclouded perception. Perhaps one in twenty will react negatively for one reason or another, but the other nineteen will respond, for example, like this: “Interesting idea! My cousin breeds dogs!” Or: “My neighbor was in Nepal! Do you want to talk to her?

Now, to complete the comparison test, go home and tell your family about this fantasy. For example:

“I am resigning as president of the International Computer Corporation and will be clamming off the coast of Rhode Island.”

Or: “I will no longer fish for shellfish and am going to head the International Computer Corporation.”

And how did the relatives react? Did they put the forks on the table and rush to talk you out of your “madness”? Or didn’t even put down the forks?

“Wait,” you might say, “is this another attack on the family? Enough is enough, I'm already fed up. My family was no worse than anyone else, and in any case, everything is in the past.” You know, I believe that your family really was no worse than others. And one day, no matter how angry we are, we will have to forgive our relatives and look at the situation in a new way - otherwise it will be impossible to move forward and be free and whole.

Barbara Sher. – M.: Mann, Ivanov, Ferber, 2014

Buy and download for 399 ₽ (€ 5,43 )

Page 1 of 83

Barbara Sher

I Could Do Anything

If I Only Knew What It Was

How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It

Scientific editor Alika Kalajda

Published with permission from Andrew Nurnberg Literary Agency

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.

© Barbara Sher, 1994

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. Mann, Ivanov and Ferber LLC, 2015

* * *

This book complements well

Barbara Sher

Dan Waldschmidt

Daria Bikbaeva

In memory of my beloved father Sam Sher.

He lit up our lives

Preface

Not knowing what you want to do in life is a serious matter. It's not nice to not have a goal. In my first book, “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful,” I call achieving what you want a victory and describe how, step by step, to move toward victory and create a life where your cherished dreams will come true. However, for many years now, readers have been contacting me with the words: “I really like your book, but I can’t use it because I don’t have a goal. I just don't know what I want."

I got curious. I decided to find out what the problem with these people was and began meeting with those who could not decide on their own desires. They told me their stories, I asked questions, and it soon became clear that all these clients were stuck in internal struggles that they did not even suspect.

It never occurred to them that deep down they know what they want, but their desires are masked by internal conflict. When they learned about the problem, they were very surprised and greatly relieved. All that remained was to develop a plan to circumvent these conflicts, which was surprisingly easy. People woke up to life and took action after one or two meetings!

It was amazing. And I decided to collect all our discoveries and strategies - and combine them in a book so that they are available to everyone who needs help.

Now you are holding this book in your hands.

Are you not doing what you love and not pursuing your dreams because you can’t figure out what exactly you want? I assure you, you are not alone. The problem is common and there is a solution. Once you recognize yourself in the descriptions on these pages, you will immediately be introduced to techniques that can help you. Don't be surprised if you find characteristics that are characteristic of yourself in several chapters at once. Read everything. Most of us are complex, multifaceted creatures, and the exercise that will be your breakthrough could be in any of the chapters.

Working on a book will be a fun, educational, sometimes painful, and often very fun experience. Sometimes it is not easy to understand what is happening inside, but if you do, you will experience a surge of energy and great rewards.

You can do anything if you just find out what exactly you want. And it will happen soon.

Introduction

The purpose of this book is to help you improve your life. When I talk about the good life, I don't mean swimming pools, mansions and private jets - unless you really dream about them. But the reader who is interested in a book called “What to Dream About. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it,” probably not about swimming pools.

You want to truly love your life.

My friend's father explained it perfectly: "A good life is when you get up in the morning and can't wait to start all over again."

Is this the case for you? Or does this idea of ​​the good life seem like an unattainable heavenly ideal? If you don't jump out of bed in the morning excited about the day ahead, I know for sure that you are desperate to find a goal that will make you feel like my friend's father. You crave a job that will give you energy and fill you with enthusiasm. You passionately dream of finding a place where you will leave your mark. Albert Schweitzer found his place, and so did Golda Meir, and the neighbor boy who played the guitar day and night also found it.

Such people know how to live. They believe in their business with all their hearts. They know that their work is important.

When you're around people who have found their calling, you see the sense of purpose on their faces.

Life is too short to live without a goal.

In the early 1980s, two psychologists from Harvard University studied people who considered themselves happy. What did they have in common? Money? Success? Health? Love?

Nothing like this.

They were united by only two things: they knew exactly what they wanted, and they felt that they were moving towards their goal.

That's what a good life is: you have a goal and you go straight to the object of your love.

Yes, I'm talking about love.

It's not about skills and abilities. I don't care what skills you have. Do you know what I could do when I was a single mother with two small children? Clean the house with demonic speed; catch the bus while holding laundry bags, grocery bags and children; squeeze everything possible out of the dollar, so that the portrait of George Washington began to beg for mercy.

Thanks, but I'm not interested in a career that would benefit from these skills.

I don't believe that a good life will come from what you know how to do. It's important that you do what you want to do. Moreover, I believe that skills do not reflect your true talents. We are all good at doing things that don't bring us any pleasure. And everyone has absolutely untapped abilities.

Don't rely on your skills when choosing a direction in life. That's why I'm not going to give personality tests and skills tests to determine what you should do.

I know what you need to do.

The things you love.

You are talented at what you love. Only love will give you the strength and energy to do something as long as it takes to develop your abilities. This is how great achievements are achieved - ordinary people like you or me know what they want and put their all into it.

If you don't know what you want, you can't even get to the starting line - and that's frustrating. But you are not alone. Recent studies have shown that as many as 98 percent of Americans are dissatisfied with their jobs. But it’s not just the financial issue that keeps them in place – they simply don’t know what to do instead. You may have thought of this condition as a personal nightmare, but in reality it is terribly common.

Well, I have a surprise for you.

In reality, you know what you want.

Everyone knows this. That's why you have no peace until you find your way. You feel that you are destined for some specific task. And you're right. Einstein needed to develop physical theories, Harriet Tubman needed to lead people to freedom, and you need to follow your unique purpose. As Vartan Grigoryan said: “There will never be another person like you in the Universe, never in the entire history of mankind.” Each of us is unique. Every person has a unique view of the world, and this originality always wants to express itself.