Why do people like it when someone feels bad? Why don't people like me

There are many ways to alienate people. And many of them don't require great effort. Sometimes it’s enough to look at your online account, or just meet you in person, to understand that you don’t want anything to do with you.

We've collected the most common reasons that turn people off online and in person, and how you can avoid it.

1. Post too many photos.

Would you like to post a photo of your honeymoon, nephew’s graduation and a photo of his dog in a New Year’s suit - all on the same day. But research shows that people are rarely nice to those who post a lot of photos (unless they are your close friends or family).

At the same time, sociologists note that friends don’t like it when you post a lot of family photos, and relatives don’t like it when you post a lot of photos with friends.

You should always keep in mind how your photos will be perceived by your online friends.

2. When you have too many or too few friends online.

In one study, researchers asked people to rate strangers' accounts. With general similarity, important point was the number of online friends. The golden mean turned out to be 300. The number of likes decreased when the account had less than 100 friends and more than 300.

“Those who have too many online friends seem to be too focused on the Internet and make friendships out of desperation or for the sake of numbers,” psychologists note.

3. Saying something very personal at the very beginning of a relationship.

The key is to share personal, but not too personal. It’s enough to talk about your hobbies and childhood memories.

4. Ask questions without talking about yourself.

Research shows that people like you less if you don't respond to their personal stories by telling them something about yourself. Yes, people like to be interested in them, when they are asked questions, but if you don’t share something personal in return, such a conversation will be of little use.

5. The photo on the page is too close-up.

Interestingly, research shows that photos taken from a distance of only about 45 cm are perceived as less attractive and not credible. The optimal photo is taken from a distance of about 135 cm.

6. When you hide your emotions.

In fact, research shows that it is very noticeable from the outside when you are holding yourself back. And people perceive this as disinterest in communication, in close acquaintance, which implies emotions, support, friendship.

7. When you are too nice.

People either find it too suspicious and forced, or they start to feel inferior, awkward, and unworthy.

8. Hidden boasting.

Don't try to give yourself compliments and pass them off as self-criticism. This will not impress your friends or potential employers.

For example, participants in the experiment were asked to fill out the “my shortcomings” column in a job application form. And guess what? More than two-thirds of people secretly boasted, listing “perfectionism” and “workaholic” as their shortcomings.

9. When you're too nervous.

Researchers believe that the literal smell of your nerve sweat subconsciously influences people's opinions. Yes, during the experiment, people watched videos of women doing everyday activities. In this case, participants were given three types of sweat to smell: sweat released during sports activities, during stressful situations and stress sweat covered in antiperspirant.

As a result, participants rated women who smelled of stress sweat as less attractive. But if the sweat was covered with deodorant, then the score was higher.

Bottom line: If you tend to sweat when you're nervous, invest in a good antiperspirant.

10. If you have no sense of humor.

People don't like people who are too moral and don't accept simple jokes. People bond when they can laugh together.

11. When you don't smile.

Research shows that even if you feel uncomfortable, you try to smile - you still do. more chances be liked than if you don’t smile at all. Smiling when you first meet someone always increases your chances of being remembered.

12. When you act like you don't like someone.

The point is mutual sympathy. Psychologists note that if a person understands that you like him, then it is more likely that he will like you too. But if a person feels that you have a negative attitude towards him, then your chances of liking him decrease.

Sometimes it's hard to know the difference between liking someone and just liking the thought of being in a relationship with someone. To find great partner, first of all, you need to find out how you feel about the person, and it is important to be honest with yourself.

Steps

Recognizing the signs of infatuation

Determine whether you return from a date feeling inspired. One of the most the best ways Find out if you like a person - spend time alone with him. If the conversation flows naturally, you laugh together, and after the date you feel satisfied and happy - this is a fairly clear sign of sympathy for the person.
- If you feel uncomfortable around a person or they seem distant during a date, there may not be a spark between you.
- Don't be discouraged if you feel like calling it quits after a bad date. In the end, this will save both of you time and effort.
Think about whether you are happy when this person writes or calls you. If you immediately run to the phone when you receive a message and never miss a call, that's sure sign that you like him. No matter how busy you are during the day, you should have the urge to text him just so he knows you're thinking about him!
- If he writes to you, but often you have no desire to respond or simply have nothing to say, most likely you only see him as a friend.
Note if certain things remind you of him. If you constantly come across things that remind you of a person, this is a good sign that you really like him. Pay attention to how many times a day you tell him something nice or interesting to him, and how often you tell your friends and family fun facts or stories about him.
- If you don't think about him much during the day, you might only need him to keep you company when you're lonely.
Spend time with other people to see if you miss him. Going out with friends or hanging out with family will help you surround yourself with people you like and enjoy spending time with. If you want this person to be nearby at this moment or want to write to him and ask how he is doing, this is a sure sign that you care about the person.
- If you don't think about this person when you're around other people, ask yourself why. Perhaps you were too busy to think about him, or you only needed him to brighten up your loneliness. Try to be honest with yourself about your feelings.
Notice if he is the first person you text when you get good or bad news. Having someone to make you happy good news together with you and help cope with the bad ones - this is an important part relationships. If something serious happens in your life, pay attention to who you write or call first. If it's him, chances are you trust and respect him.
- It's completely okay to make exceptions for people like your parents or best friend, which you might turn to first. However, this person will most likely be one of the first people you write to if anything happens in your life.
Checking your compatibility
1. Find out if your values, interests and desires coincide. Many people have “stumbling blocks” that indicate that they absolutely cannot date those with whom they have different views on marriage, personal interests and much more. Ask the person you are on a date with about their moral values, hobbies and plans for the future. It with high probability will help determine your compatibility and identify possible problems.
  - For example, you could ask, “What do you value most in friendship?” or “What shouldn’t you joke about?”
  - If it’s convenient, you can ask more directly: “What do you expect from the relationship?” or “What does your ideal partner look like?”
  - Remember that details are very important. You can ask: “What do you like to do on the weekend?” or “Which would you choose: hiking in the mountains or traveling to the sea?” to see if your common interests coincide.
2. Touch his arm or shoulder to test your physical attraction. It is difficult to be in a relationship with someone if you are not physically attracted to them. By gently touching his hand, you will know if he is comfortable around you. In addition, you will understand how you feel during intimacy. If you have no desire to touch a person, perhaps you are better off being friends.
  - If you touch a person and they seem uncomfortable, this is a clear signal that they are not ready for a relationship.
  - Listen to inner sensations and intuition when it comes to physical attraction. If you have no desire to touch or be around a person, this is a sure sign that you don't like him.
3. Consider whether you are attracted to his personality and whether you value his opinion. There is a world a large number of outwardly attractive people, but, in addition to physical compatibility, it is a great success to find someone whose opinion is important to you. If a person's kindness and intelligence are the first thing that comes to mind when you think about him, this good sign that you like him the way he is.
  - There is nothing wrong with finding an outwardly attractive person if you are interested in his personal and mental qualities. If the only thing you can think about is his body, you are likely experiencing feelings of lust that will dissipate over time.
  Revealing deeper feelings
  1. Discuss your feelings with someone you trust. Take time to talk with a close and trusted friend or family member. Sometimes an outsider can bring more clarity to a situation because he is not involved in it. Tell him about the feelings you feel around that person and ask him what he thinks about it.
    - It is better to choose a friend who does not know that person in order to avoid possible scandals or disclosure of secrets.
    - Try not to get upset if a friend says something unpleasant that you might not want to hear.
  2. In many cases, jealousy is a true indicator of whether you like a person or not. Feelings of jealousy can be unpleasant and overwhelming. If you feel upset or angry when this person spends time with someone they might be interested in romantically, this could be a clear sign that you really care about them.
    - Jealousy can be healthy at times, but it can quickly develop into control over your partner. Try not to get too upset if the person you like is hanging out with other people, because chances are they're thinking about you!
    - If you've had problems with jealousy in the past, or if you feel like your anger is getting out of control, consider learning how to cope with jealousy before getting into a relationship.
  - Always be yourself and be honest with your crush. Be your true self, don't wear masks.
  - Try to act casual at the beginning of the relationship so as not to hurt anyone. Take your time and get to know the person well before making a serious commitment.
  Warnings
  - Don't end your friendship with someone if you decide you don't want to date them. Give him freedom, but at the same time show him that you hope to remain friends.
  - If you are in doubt about your relationship with a person, try to respect his feelings and do not mislead him by promising to date him.

Our “theory of attraction” does not, but it does relate directly to you - you are a full-fledged element of its equation, and your closest friends, including your girlfriend, are an X about whom you still have a lot to learn. In essence, when we were preparing this article, we decided to ask ourselves a fairly simple and at the same time complex issue- why are we attracted to this or that person? Why do we like this type of woman? Why do we only be friends with those we are friends with? This is not just an accident, destiny or the will of the gods - our choice can be explained from a rational point of view. As a result, we came up with four main factors that can explain attraction to a particular person.

1. Physical attractiveness

This is the most decisive thing in the case of first acquaintance. If we don’t like a person’s appearance (even if we're talking about about friends, not girlfriends), then we, with a high probability, simply will not talk to him. A person's appearance greatly influences our understanding of him. This speaks not only about conscious motives, but also about unconscious ones. People whom we consider ugly are perceived by our psyche as potentially dangerous to our health. That is, our subconscious tells you: “There is something wrong with this guy, he is probably sick - stay away from him.” Or: “This girl looks too sick. It’s better not to get to know her, otherwise there will be weak children.”

Signs of health include clear skin, thinness, a strong body, good teeth, bright eyes, shiny hair and so on. Beauty is often associated with health. On the other side, different people find different things attractive (although there is something in common in the concept of beauty), which reduces physical attractiveness to personal taste.

2. Proximity

Intimacy is certainly not the first thing that comes to mind when you think about why you like certain person but she plays pretty big role. By closeness we mean regularity of meetings. That is, you are more likely to like a person you see every day at work than a person you met five minutes ago. This is a trace of our prehistoric past, because it is always safer to hang out with your friends than with strangers - and this truth cannot be corrected even by the strongest dose of tolerance.

This factor can also be explained from a logical perspective - the more time we spend with a particular person, the more we learn about him, and this, in turn, means that trusting relationships begin to build. At the same time, if you know a person only with negative side, then, against the backdrop of unpleasant associations, you begin to communicate with him less and less, which excludes this person from your inner circle. As you can see, the theory of attraction works from both ends at once.

3. Similarities

The similarity is also important factor. And we are not talking only about external similarity, although this still determines the circle of our communication. You yourself know that Russians like to hang out with Russians, Jews with Jews, and Azerbaijanis with Azerbaijanis. Not in particular, but in bulk. But besides the external similarity, there is also a similarity in terms of our views.

The common basis can be anything - from politics and religion, to what we think about breeding dogs and children. We are drawn to people who do the same work or are interested in the same literature, love the same cinematic genres or sport games. Shared beliefs enhance our own personal power because like-minded people are more likely to show us respect. We, in turn, show respect to them - everything is a plus.

4. Reciprocity

There is another factor, namely reciprocity. Everything is simple here. If someone finds us attractive, then we respond with that nice people the same coin. If someone loves us, then we, most likely, also treat such people warmly. If your friend has fun with you, then you have fun with him.

Being the center of attention is always flattering for each of us, so we psychological level We will try to encourage such behavior.

Naturally, this factor works more often if factors such as physical attractiveness and similarity have already come into force. But sometimes we like people who are completely unattractive and unlike us. Why? Because it's reciprocity.

...,” wrote Valery Okhlupin (it was he, although on the Internet the poem is often attributed to A.S. Pushkin). And he was right. Sometimes we really like people we can't be with. Who we want to be with, but cannot be for one reason or another. Who is completely unsuitable for us. Well, and further down the list. And all this is perceived almost as a disease for which there is no cure.

The inaccessible attracts, so it would seem that the situation is standard. However, people who constantly fall in love with someone unsuitable periodically think: “What is wrong with me?” Calm, just calm. This behavioral pattern, like many others, can be explained by science.

Curiosity. Information gap theory, created by George Loewenstein, an economist by training who introduced significant contribution into psychology, allows us to explain, among other things, how “wrong love” arises. It may be that when we can't get something, we allow curiosity to completely take over. And then the desire for an object or person turns out to be too strong, so it is simply impossible to explain it rationally.

Chase. People tend to be more satisfied with something that they have been particularly passionate about. It's the same story with falling in love. According to Elite Daily, our brains secrete when we're chasing something we really want, and the longer the chase, the more "pleasure hormone" we get. That's why sometimes we like people so much who don't like us (or like us, but).

Ego. Another popular reason why we continue to persecute people who don't care is ego. Because refusal in any case will be a huge blow to our ego, no matter how soft and diplomatic it may be. So when someone tells us “no,” we are willing to do anything to change it to “yes,” as quickly as possible.

Unavailability. The more unavailable a person seems, the more we want to be with him. The theory, tested hundreds of times in practice, has quite scientific explanation. Research shows that people who are in high social demand tend to seem more valuable to us (smart, attractive, purposeful - underline as appropriate). Is this person still busy? Then this value, psychologists say, can be safely multiplied by two.

Game element. Just as children instantly want to get what their parents forbid them to touch, so we are attracted to people whom we cannot get. The reasons can be very different - a stamp in the passport, polar views on life, or a banal lack of sympathy from one of the parties. However, we literally become obsessed when we learn that we cannot have “this specific person“right now, and therefore we spend a lot of time and effort to please someone. Moreover, quite often at the end of the game the winner discovers with horror that he no longer needs the main prize.

Unpredictability. In the case of falling in love, the situation can develop in two ways: either we get this person, or, which is logical, we don’t get it. We don't know what the result will be - and this is what especially attracts us. According to research conducted by Gregory Burns, unpredictability human brain reacts in the same way as to pleasure. Is it possible to replace it with chocolate? The question is rhetorical (and so far, unfortunately, unexplored).