From childhood we were taught that we need to be good and correct. Read - comfortable. A good girl which? Always in good mood, smiling, pleasant to talk to.
We have grown up a long time ago, but we still subconsciously forbid ourselves from experiencing negative emotions.
So we swallow grievances, unable to defend our boundaries in order to look good. We suppress anger and anger within ourselves, smiling through our tears, trying to be positive when everything inside is boiling or howling with mental pain.
But all these negative emotions do not go away. They become stuck as energy blocks in the body, preventing the free passage of energy.
Negative emotions ultimately turn into diseases:
Does your throat often hurt and is it painful to swallow? - all your unspoken things stand there in a lump.
Cough? - this is when you already want to shout at everyone: I exist, finally listen to me, respect me!
A runny nose is your unshed tears.
Do you often lose your temper with your loved ones? All because you endure until the last moment, until all this negativity begins to overflow.
By the way, your inner negativity attracts negative energy from the outside - so you meet brawlers and constantly find yourself in unpleasant situations! The world reflects to you what is inside you!
You have the right to have negative emotions.
To be sad. Angry. Feel angry. Get irritated.
You just need to do it environmentally. Not only in relation to yourself, but also to others.
How to experience negative emotions
1. Write down on paper everything you feel. In any words, how it goes. You can also be indecent) You need to write until you let go. Then it is advisable to burn all this writing or tear it into small pieces and throw it away.
2. Just scribble from the heart, draw some scribbles, even paint over the entire sheet
3. Tear the paper
4. Beat the pillow
5. Dishes can also be broken, unnecessary ones)))
6. Go to an uninhabited place - a forest, for example, and yell from the heart
7. Dance to some dynamic music - crazy dance)))
8. You can cry too! What a relief it was for me when I allowed myself to do this! Many people forbid themselves to cry, but for a woman it is generally necessary. At least once a month) Tears cleanse and relieve tension.
Listen to yourself! Your subconscious will tell you the best way for you.
Allow yourself negative emotions - you will get sick less, and positive emotions They will become much brighter.
Because by forbidding ourselves from negative emotions, we also turn off our positive emotions and turn off our feelings. Because of this, by the way, there are problems in sex, when it is difficult to relax and experience pleasure.
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In the previous article, we talked about where strong negative emotions come from and why it is so important not to suppress them. This, of course, is relevant not only for pregnant women.
If you long years denied or suppressed them, or, on the contrary, often lost self-control, then it is important to gradually and carefully heal this destructive response pattern, replacing it with a conscious, timely recognition of one’s feelings: “Yes, right now I’m angry/furious/upset and I have every right to be…”
Algorithm for working with negative emotions something like this:
1. Allow feelings to be! Without suppressing or resisting them.
“Feelings should always be taken seriously. They have the right to exist simply because they exist; they do not need any other reasons or justifications.” Udo Baer
2. Call the feeling by its proper name.
3. Direct attention to the body, bodily grounding (grounding is a way to be in deep contact with consciousness, emotions, feelings and the body).
4. And finally, live to the fullest.
“Feelings cannot be measured, cannot be dosed... Feelings always need expression.” Udo Baer
And only then identify and, if possible, satisfy the need, the unrealization of which lies behind the emotion.
Before we finally look at ways of living, let's turn to what else is important to know. After all, during pregnancy, all these points are also relevant, only with the adjustment that you are not alone here now. In the words of Deepak Chopra: “During those nine months while your child depends on you, like an astronaut on his spaceship, he constantly accesses your database of this world.".
IN modern world It has long been no secret that a child in the womb feels all the emotions of the mother. And again in the words of Deepak Chopra: “Your perception of the world around you is transmitted to your unborn baby through the filter of your body. And he readily learns to associate sensory impulses with feelings and emotions, experiencing pleasure or discomfort ... "
This is a fair reminder of the importance of recognizing rather than suppressing your feelings. After all, while the mother for the time being may not notice her fears and worries, deliberately distracted by films, books, eating or talking about her feelings, the child cannot open a book or turn on the TV, he is left alone with this without the opportunity take cover.
The consequence may be: difficulties with basic trust in the world, increased anxiety newborn, interrupted, restless sleep, severe colic, frequent crying and other unpleasant symptoms in the first months of life little man. After all, he has already realized that the world is not safe and he has something to worry about.
We have access to the achievements of perinatal, transpersonal psychology, spiritual knowledge, descriptions of various experiments with hypnosis and much more, which indicates that intrauterine events influence the formation of the subconscious, mental and behavioral reactions of an adult for the rest of his life.
Therefore, now you can and should take care not only of your feelings, but also of the feelings of the child. For example, if something happened unpleasant situation, you can tell your child about your feelings, that you are sad or scared now, but he has nothing to do with it, that such feelings also happen, but you always have the strength to cope with it, that your world will always take care of you, and you, in turn, will always take care of him, no matter what happens. Touch your belly at these moments, stroke it, try to relax, establish a mental connection with the child.
Even if achievements are alien to you perinatal psychology and especially on early stages, it is still difficult to believe that there is already a feeling baby inside of you, this will help you develop an important skill for the future in communicating with your child about feelings, and saying such an affirmation out loud is guaranteed to help you relax and calm down. Agree, reminding yourself that “I can always handle everything” is never superfluous.
How to live emotions environmentally?
First of all, try to return attention from outside to inside. When an emotion “overwhelms” us, we tend to lose ourselves and our sense of self in space. Someone starts eating everything they see, someone runs from corner to corner, etc. The most quick way“return to the body”: feel the floor/ground/support with your feet and hold this feeling for a couple of minutes. Of course, having an established contact with your body will be important here, but this is a different and no less extensive topic. In the meantime, let’s look at the ways of living available during pregnancy point by point:
THROUGH THE BODY
Breathe deeply, observing and being aware of inhalation and exhalation;
Perform acceptable physical exercises, do cleaning;
Stomp, dance, express with movement;
Cry, allow yourself to be completely sad, grieve;
Laugh, clap, jump.
Sing, shout;
Talk, speak out to someone who is guaranteed not to judge; You can even talk to yourself into a voice recorder;
Call the emotion by its name;
Exhale with sound. Each time you allow yourself to exhale louder, listening to the body's needs, it always knows what sound will help release standing lumpy emotion in the throat;
Mantra, prayer depending on your spiritual tradition.
VIA LETTER
Freewriting (free writing). There are many techniques, you can read in more detail on the Internet (for example, from the authors Julia Cameron or Armen Petrosyan);
Questionnaires radical forgiveness, letters of grievances. You can also download it on the Internet. They have a very effective effect;
Diary of feelings. This useful tool allows you to track and notice your response patterns, see the range of feelings you experience, which will allow you to accept them, and at the same time identify cause-and-effect relationships.
THROUGH CREATIVITY
Art therapy techniques;
Expressive Arts;
Intuitive painting, right-hemisphere drawing;
Working with clay, plasticine;
Psychodrama, playback theater (methods available in special groups).
Listen to yourself and choose the method that seems most suitable for you this moment, observe your emotions, allow them to be seen and heard, remember that this is the only way to let them go.
Important! If you feel that you cannot cope on your own, do not neglect contacting a specialist. During pregnancy, deep-seated feelings and childhood traumas can rise to the surface, which are not always safe to face alone. Even one visit to an experienced art therapist, psychologist, body-oriented psychotherapist can help solve many troubling issues. In addition, a specialist will help you identify a suitable and accessible way of experiencing emotions specifically for you. It can also be classes in special groups in which a trusting atmosphere is created, a circle of women, where all conditions are created that facilitate not only letting go of worries and anxieties, but also expressing them through creativity, thereby gaining new experience and pleasure.
Also, do not forget about possible physiological reasons increased emotionality. Such seemingly simple factors as a lack of certain vitamins and micronutrients, insufficient water and sleep, and lack of regular deep relaxation can cause excessive irritability, depression and other negative protracted conditions. These factors should be excluded first.
And, most importantly, do not rush yourself and do not demand quick results, thank yourself and your body every time for living the next experience more consciously. Take care of yourself and your peace of mind.
Such forms of destructive and maladaptive behavior like: inability to be in relationships, various kinds food and chemical dependencies, masochism, chronic apathy, hot temper are associated with difficulties in the emotional sphere, namely, the inability to accept and live one’s own feelings.
What determines the ability to cope with your emotions?
Firstly, the task is made easier or, conversely, complicated by innate characteristics nervous system. What matters is her strength, balance, mobility, sensitivity, etc. What processes predominate in it - excitation or inhibition.
Secondly, it depends on the social environment in which the person was raised. What emotions in the family/team were allowed to be expressed and in what form (adequate or inappropriate), which ones had to be kept to oneself in order to avoid problems. Parents shape their child's ways of dealing with emotions.
Well, and thirdly, from conclusions and decisions, accepted by man in childhood regarding oneself and the world around us. These inherently naive decisions can be completely forgotten in adulthood (repressed into the unconscious), but continue to influence choices and actions in the present. How dangerous does the world seem? How emotionally “fragile” do your loved ones and your relationships seem to be? Will they be able to withstand emotional “revelations”, or should they be protected from any excitement and keep the tension to themselves? The conclusion settles in the body, adapting it to real and imaginary conditions.
Increased control is needed over the area of the body responsible for the expression of certain desires (because in childhood they were shamed for them) - the muscles in this area spasm, creating a kind of “shell” that limits movements that signal forbidden impulses. If in order for adults not to offend and care, you need to look soft and pliable most time - the body “sags” and loses tone.
When a person is sure that it is “bad” to express anger openly, but it is also unbearable to keep it inside, the body creates a “safety buffer” between the person and the hostile environment - it obediently floats with fat.
Not only the body, but also numerous psychological defenses. What can you do with “unbearable” feelings: Deny("I don't care, I don't feel anything!"), Forget(repression mechanism), Suppress(don't let them turn around full force), Mute and compensate(food, vodka, computer games and other companions of addicts), Take your attention away from them(switch), Move— splash out on an object that does not pose a threat (such an object can also become close person, defenseless because of love for us), Project onto others(“It’s not me who’s evil, it’s you who’s evil!”), Distance yourself— mechanisms of dissociation or depersonalization (“I’m not here!”), Mask other emotions and under their cover to relieve tension (as happens with people prone to hysterical behavior). And this is not a complete list...
What do you do to avoid living your feelings? Now the most important thing: how to live them?
To begin with, recognize, name, and give yourself permission to experience these feelings. If the intensity is too high, the first rule is to breathe. Deeply and evenly, gradually lengthening the inhalation-exhalation cycle. Regulation of breathing - great way relieve excess tension in the body, and this will also affect emotional sphere. Rule two is to say your feelings out loud as many times as necessary to ease them. If you have no one to tell it to, go to a psychologist; listening is his profession. Also, you can consciously distance yourself from a situation that causes a violent reaction, without avoiding it, look as if from the outside, paying attention to some minor details.
Mentally consider the situation from different angles. Then find a safe, constructive way to express your emotions. Draw them or write them down on paper, dance them, imagine them as a metaphor. If the level of emotions is not extreme, then art therapeutic techniques are preferable to rough physical responses (like beating pillows), since the meaning of this expression is not to simply blow off steam, but to transform, give dynamics to feelings in such a way that they were accepted, internalized and rethought. Then they will become valuable resource in the piggy bank life experience, and yours internal energy and the freedom to use it will increase. Emotions, just like thoughts, have their own representation in the physical body. Physical exercise, aimed at strengthening muscles, are indicated for people with problems with holding emotions. People who are in to a greater extent have difficulty expressing them, stretching exercises and increasing flexibility are helpful. In body-oriented and dance-movement psychotherapy there is differentiated approach to work with various emotions. Yoga and qigong also develop skills to manage your emotional state.
Experiencing emotions is sequential: first experiencing, then emotions.
No matter how surprising it may be, our body has a lot of receptors for the perception of space, but not one for the perception of time. We perceive time through the mind and interpretation of space signals. Experiencing emotions is a full-fledged fulfillment emotional reaction in time. Translated into practice - the implementation of interpretation of all the signals that our body expresses in the process emotional response. Keyword - everyone: these signals exist regardless of human consciousness, but this consciousness can either record them or not. It is understood that all signals have a certain energy and consciousness must realize this energy in one form or another. If it does not realize it, then the energy accumulates in the physical body in the form of various pains.
Utility breathing exercises V emotional issues This is due to the fact that breathing is a rhythmic process of alternating four phases: “inhalation - fullness of the lungs - exhalation - emptying of the lungs.” This allows you to feel both critical (spot) stages and long-term ones. Since the perception of time is based on the perception of rhythm and the perception of sequence, the emotional cycle is projected onto the cycle of breathing movements, which, at the level of habit, is projected onto the cycle of time phases.
Regarding the spectrum of emotions, I really like the Kellerman-Plutchik-Conte theory (good material on the theory).
This is about incentives and behavior. Since disturbances in emotional perception affect physical body, I really like that they are presented physiological processes, as if built into strategies for responding to emotions.
In this context, the so-called coping strategies and psychological defenses are important. In fact, the formation of both in a child through imitation of the behavior of adults in certain situations is built into the process of upbringing. stressful situations. A bright emotion is a strong irritant, that is, stress, so we also protect ourselves from bright emotions, either consciously or not. If it's unconscious, that is high risk that the defense will begin to put pressure and turn on even in cases where the emotion is not strong and may well be adequately expressed by appropriate behavior.
The social acceptability of certain forms of behavior is a matter of education, as I wrote about above. In fact, psychological trainings- these are androgogical forms of adult education. This is how the situation developed because adulthood was something taken for granted, only children were raised, and the elderly were perceived exclusively as weak and sick. Because the average duration life has increased, then adults and the elderly also began to need training in skills social behavior. Since adulthood was initially idealized and not assumed to be a source of social ills, behavior correction was carried out only through treatment (in medicine), primarily in mentally ill people. Therefore, historically, emotional problems lie in the field of psychology, at the intersection with psychotherapy and psychiatry. In fact, there is a concept of “lifelong education”, and upbringing, along with training, is the main component of education, therefore, in principle, a modern person should engage not only in self-education, but also in self-education. First of all, through mastering the skills of experiencing emotions, so that the unprocessed waste of a person’s illiterately organized emotional life in the form of unreacted impulses does not pollute social environment and did not require additional costs to restore damage caused by their toxicity. B-)
Good afternoon I reread a large number of Your articles (most likely all), and I’m incredibly glad that in our time you can still find high-quality information. Despite, in general, the fact that I have been studying psychology for a long time, I still had a hard time parting with people. How to live these emotions after a breakup? When the heart and body seem to be compressed, this state seems to be wave-like, today it presses, but tomorrow it’s easier, but then again. It seems that these difficult emotions, like the “rings of hell,” will never end. I really want to get in touch with people with whom I can’t get in touch, but it (this contact) most likely is not needed. How to survive these oppressive feelings after a breakup and when will they end?
Olesya, Kyiv, 23 years old
Family psychologist's answer:
Hello, Olesya.
Unfortunately, I don’t know whose articles you read (there are different psychologists and authors here), but since I saw the question, I will answer.
How to live these emotions after a breakup? When the heart and body seem to be compressed, this state seems to be wave-like, today it presses, but tomorrow it’s easier, but then again
In maternity hospitals they teach you to “breathe through” a contraction. In yoga, you are taught to “breathe into the muscle being stretched.” Do you understand approximately in which direction? Don’t hold back, don’t try to “shut it up” and stop worrying, but at the same time just observe what is happening, breathe “into this place.” Perhaps some feeling will come from there - what exactly do you need most at the moment? What is the current need? Should I cry? Treat yourself to something? Something else? Or perhaps you will simply support yourself with the words “nothing, I’m breathing, I’m alive, I can...” - and the wave will recede. It makes sense to remember that each wave will ultimately be slightly weaker than the previous one and over time the fluctuations will subside.
I really want to get in touch with people with whom I can’t get in touch, but it (this contact) is most likely not needed
This need for contact indicates that the relationship is not complete. And this does not mean that you need to look for contact and find out something. This means that it is worth listening - what emotions did you not convey there? What important things were not conveyed? What do you regret? What was not appreciated? Didn't you recognize it? That someone didn't live up to expectations? You can try to write down all your emotions in that direction on paper, then burn and throw away, and so on until the “waves” become less strong. You can also try to understand what kind of need you left unfulfilled there. Why do you need to be appreciated? Why did you need people to meet some of your expectations? To give you... WHAT? How might all this make you feel? And can you give them to yourself? As practice shows, we can give ourselves a lot, but since childhood we were convinced that only others can give us something, somehow warm us, somehow love us and generally give us value. And that’s why people often don’t even look for it in themselves. You can start right now. And the situation of separation is exactly the time when you can take care of yourself, be attentive to yourself and learn to support yourself on your own.
Sincerely, Anton Mikhailovich Nesvitsky.