Love is a battle. Lost in advance,” Marc Marronier, the hero of Frederic Beigbeder’s acclaimed novel “Love Lives for Three Years,” begins his story. Main character I am sure: any relationship is doomed, because... I myself have never loved a woman for more than three years. All his “love” followed the same scenario:
The first stage is the stage of falling in love.
“At first everything is fine, even you. You're just amazed that you can be so in love. Every day brings a new portion of miracles... Hurry to get married - why wait if you are so happy? I don’t want to think, it makes me sad; let life itself decide for you.”
The second stage is a slight cooling, the appearance of friendly “tenderness”.
“The second year something changes. You have become more tender. Be proud of how well you and your spouse have gotten used to each other. You understand your wife “at a glance”; how wonderful it is to be one. Your spouse is mistaken on the street for your sister - this flatters you, but it also affects your psyche. You make love less and less and you think: it’s okay. You arrogantly believe that this same love is growing stronger every day, when the end of the world is just around the corner.”
And the third stage is alienation, cooling, boredom.
“In the third year, you no longer try not to look at the fresh girls who make the street brighter. You no longer talk to your wife... You and her are out of the house more and more often: this is a reason not to fuck. And soon the moment comes when you can no longer stand your other half for an extra second, because you have fallen in love with the other.”
Everything described above, of course, is just an idea of the life of a guy with a skin vector, for whom novelty is the main factor in a relationship. He would be glad to “love his wife more,” but when everything around is the same, the same thing, he wants something new, fresh, different!
However, Mark Marronier, believing in his theory of “three years of love,” is afraid: he doesn’t want the relationship to cool down, every time he waits with fear for the approaching third anniversary, until he finally finds that girl with whom he has something more connected, than bed or mutual sympathy. “That very date” is approaching, and he still loves his chosen one. Why?
The theory that love lasts three years is not the invention of a specific hero in the novel. It was put forward by biologists, having thoroughly studied physiological reactions person during a relationship.
Most people agree with this hypothesis, because... They themselves experienced it in life: after three years (sometimes earlier), their relationship, so wonderful at the beginning, ended in failure.
Love lives for three years. What is this curse? Bad sign? Superstition? There is no mysticism. Everything is explained.
Three years - exactly how much time was given by our mother nature for people to attract each other, give birth to a child and feed him. It is believed that this amount of time is enough for the baby and mother to survive. Further, the child becomes less vulnerable, the mother can get food herself, and the man, the male, in fact, becomes unnecessary. He can move on, find another woman, have another child... and so on in a circle.
What does it take for a woman and a man to be attracted to each other? Attraction pheromones. Most people find their partner by that very elusive smell. This is the main component physical intimacy: pheromones that excite human brain certain chemical processes. Each stage of love is accompanied by changes in hormonal levels in the human body.
Over time, the partners’ bodies get used to each other’s pheromones. This usually occurs after about 3 years. In some couples this period is longer, in others it is shorter. When addiction occurs, it is as if we wake up from a dream and ask: “What was that all about?” Our partner appears before us in new colors; we, who previously looked at him through the veil of love, begin to see his shortcomings. Very often, affection and tenderness are replaced by irritation and anger. Relationships slowly (and sometimes very rapidly) slide into oblivion.
"And it's all? – you say, “All love, all high feelings come down only to pheromones and chemical reactions of the brain?” If this were really so, then there would be no evidence in the world to the contrary. Despite the fact that many couples fail, break up, divorce, there are also many examples when a man and a woman love each other for 3, 5, 10, and 20 years. And their tenderness and love towards each other knows no bounds. Do you think it's a fairy tale? Not at all.
Love lives for three years. This myth becomes a reality if nothing brings you closer to your chosen one except sexual desire. A relationship between two people is work, and it needs to be built from the very first meeting. Don’t turn a blind eye to omissions and shortcomings, don’t wave your hand and say: “Oh, let it be what will be.” It will be... for the first three years, and then when the time comes to awaken, don’t ask what you did wrong.
An ideal relationship is the work of both partners, when everyone thinks not about themselves, but about their “half.” This does not mean that you need to dissolve in each other, falling into love addiction. To love is not to accept a person with all his advantages and disadvantages, but to understand him. Do not look at him blindly, but understand the motives of his behavior and actions. After all, only when we begin to treat each other more tolerantly does the desire to change our partner go away.
Relationships are built on a common understanding of who is in front of you and what you should or should not expect from him. If you see that your future chosen one is a potential domestic tyrant, then three years later there is no need to cry into your friend’s vest and say: “But he was so gentle in the first year of our acquaintance!” Wake up: the signs of a domestic tyrant can be recognized even at the first meeting, if you know System-Vector Psychology.
We often think: “Since everything is good now, then everything will be great later.” But when that very “later” comes, we cry with disappointment: everything “wonderful” has passed, has dried up, and we simply have nothing to talk about with our chosen one, because all the time allotted for us we did not get to know each other better, did not build relationships for more high level, but simply indulged in mutual intoxication. And, as you know, the morning after drinking comes headache. And it will come if you treat relationships only as a source of pleasure.
Love lives for three years. Is it a little or a lot? But each of us has the power to extend or shorten this period. Now, in the era of consumerism, when sex has lost its intimacy and intimacy is becoming more and more consumerist, it is becoming increasingly difficult to build long term relationship. Why do you need a long relationship if you can change partners until old age? Who needs a traditional marriage when you can live life to the fullest without it?
As a result, people with anal vector, monogamous people and adherents of traditions, suffer. They cannot keep up with the flickering skin creatures; it is difficult for them to adapt to new living conditions.
In an era when sex has ceased to be something significant and intimate, the time has come for a new level of relationships - spiritual.
That’s why, if you want love to live not for three years, but much longer, you need to try to build, first of all, a solid foundation of spiritual intimacy, which will guarantee that your tenderness and affection will not dry out after the pheromones expire. You will become each other’s support and support, a saving grace from life’s troubles for many, many years.
- September 25, 2018
- Psychology of relationships
- Marina Pislegina
Why does love last 3 years? Psychology reveals to people the answer to this question. As a rule, when a wonderful feeling arises, people see only good things in each other, without even noticing some negative qualities partner. Love inspires people, they want to walk together hand in hand all their lives, raise children, thinking that this wonderful time will never pass. However, everything ends. And, if love-passion (when there are only sensual pleasures) passes, and nothing connects the partners anymore, then they separate. This immature feeling can exist for about three years. Read about all this in detail in this article.
Introduction
Why does love last 3 years? The psychology of relationships between a man and a woman is such that at the first stage of their acquaintance, they see only good things in each other. Many couples turn a blind eye to shortcomings until they start living together. This is where it starts crucial moment in the lives of many lovers who thought that their bright feeling of love would exist forever. However, divorce statistics show the opposite.
Moreover, when passion flares up between people, which many call love, the partners do not notice anything around them, even bad deeds each other. They see the world only in rosy colors, because they are together. This condition of people is caused by the occurrence of biochemical reactions in the body.
It’s just that when people fall in love, areas of the brain begin to release various substances: serotonin, adrenaline, hormone levels increase, and euphoria arises from just looking at a partner. Such chemical reaction lasts no more than three years. Then everything goes away.
What happens next
There is another facet that contributes to the rupture of feelings, which psychology points to. Why does love last 3 years? Because after this time, a significant divergence in the interests of the spouses may occur. For some couples, relationships are built on them. Partners can be close only when they have common interests and goals in their lives; they feel good together not only physically, but also mentally. Therefore, if immature love, which lasts no more than three years, does not move to a deeper level, then people simply separate.
Moreover, psychologists believe that the feelings of lovers are influenced by living together and solving financial issues related to management. general economy. This is usually what happens. One year people just meet and get sensual pleasures without obligations, then they live together for a couple of years and realize that they no longer love each other. After all, the pink dream of endless happiness created in the imagination is simply a figment of their fantasies. This is why people end their relationships.
Going to another level
There are such concepts as mature and immature love. Many people are interested in the question of what exactly are their differences? Of course, we are not talking about the age of the partners here.
So, immature love does not last very long, about three years, for the simple reason that people, experiencing passion, are not ready for the fact that it will one day pass and they will have to resolve ordinary, family issues.
Lovers look at each other, spend a lot of time together, without thinking about anything, make love, dream of a family, grandchildren and even great-grandchildren. But these are just thoughts and dreams that have nothing to do with reality.
How are immature relationships characterized according to psychology? Why does love last 3 years under such circumstances? The fact is that when she is immature, everything comes down to receiving sensual pleasures - passionate sex, quarrels and joyful truce, kisses, sweet speeches about endless happiness. This type of feeling is characterized by selfishness, and there is nothing serious here.
If passion and love between partners have ended, but they still feel good with each other, they live together, have children, organize their lives and enjoy common affairs, then this is already mature love. Many couples simply do not reach this level of relationship. It's possible that true love it wasn't there.
Birth of children
Many happy couples dream not only of marriage, but also of procreation. So, crises in family life very often begin from the moment of birth of children. Why is this happening? It is possible that the father of the family himself was not completely ready for the birth of the child. Now, all the woman’s time is devoted only to the baby, and the man desires the same, warm, vibrant and passionate relationship. That is why, after the birth of a child, turning points occur in the life of a young couple, and a crisis of family life begins.
Many men begin to go out, seek sensual pleasures, and the wife is forced to sit all day long with the child and do housework. It is at this time that many married couples separate. Since the man is not ready for real, family life and raising a child.
In addition
The most interesting thing is that a child born at the beginning love relationship(in the first three years), retains proper level hormones that the parents experienced when he was conceived. Thus, in the first 3 years of the baby’s life, the couple’s passion is also present, but then it begins to gradually fade away. In addition, the woman at this moment loses sexual interest in her partner.
A small characteristic
Where does love go? According to most psychologists, this feeling passes when lovers begin to decide their family problems, engage in home improvement and invest money in total budget. In the early years life together, many people often quarrel because their characters are grinding together. After three years of life, that very turning point comes when the partners separate or go together hand in hand until old age.
Thus, when answering the question of where love goes, we can say that only passion goes. Therefore, if people have nothing in common other than this, they have no common interests and goals, then they simply cannot live together. After all, their relationship was not real. Mature love- this is the care of partners for each other in sorrow and joy, until old age.
Young family
Many lovers try to rush to the registry office in order to legitimize their relationship and become a real unit of society. Their affection is built solely on fleeting feelings, which seem to have no limits. What happens next? After a solemn wedding, the most ordinary gray everyday life begins in the life of a young family, when they need to work to equip their home and life in it. If you don’t have your own place to live, you’ll have to live rented apartments- it's just romance!
Here the erroneous opinion emerges that love and life are incompatible things. Although, in reality this is not the case. Many people get married, have children, work, and do well.
What is the secret of happiness for some married couples and divorce in others, where everything started so well? The latter were simply not ready for the fact that love is not only walks under the moon and passionate intimacy, but also endless work over relationships, the responsibility of partners to each other. Therefore, many young families that were created on immature feelings cannot withstand the everyday problems that fall on them and fall apart. Other marriages last for many years.
Causes of quarrels and divorces
Why do they say that love lasts 3 years? Because after of this period Over time, spouses have more and more mutual claims against each other. In addition, many of them even get annoyed that their partner is just nearby. In the couple’s relationship there is no longer the romance that was at first, and the remaining feelings are gradually fading away. Most often, after three years of a relationship, many separate or simply live as neighbors and sleep in different beds.
Often such men and women come to a psychologist for an appointment, where they report that after three years, they have become very irritated by each other’s habits. In this case, many experts advise spouses to live separately. But as divorce statistics show, this does not always help. People are moving further apart from each other.
the main problem
After 3 years of family life, the couple begins to experience a crisis in their relationship. This is due to the fact that over the past period of time, people are very tired of each other and it is possible that they were never able to get along in character.
Despite the short period, many couples, after three years of living together, no longer have intimate relationships or have sex very rarely. This state of affairs does not suit most men. However, the representatives of the stronger half of humanity themselves do not know how to correct this situation. Especially if the wife works, is tired, and does not have enough time for sex. There can be no talk of any romance in the relationship here.
Most often, young families break up due to the betrayal of one of the spouses. Many men do not see anything wrong with this, especially if they have practically no intimate relationship with their wife. Women, learning about men's infidelities, immediately create scandals and file for divorce. Keep the relationship in similar situation almost impossible.
How to survive a crisis
If you look at the statistics, the number of divorces is several times higher than the number of registered marriages. This only means that the spouses are not working to preserve their union.
In the first 3 years the family faces big amount various problems, ranging from material to psychological. Many people generally believe that after marriage, neither spouse can have their own personal space, although this is not at all true. Husband and wife can't do it all the time working day spend together, so they get tired of each other faster. Some men specifically look for work away from home so that there is peace and tranquility in the relationship.
Conclusion
If quarrels and scandals often arise between young spouses, then they need to contact a specialist who understands all the intricacies of psychology family relations. Crises most often occur in those couples who are created on immature love. In families where there is only passion and desire for intimacy, there will never be mutual understanding. However, this does not mean that the situation cannot be improved. Here everything depends on the desire of the spouses to save their family.
There is an opinion that love is just a chemical reaction that occurs within our body. And this is partly true: the feeling of love or falling in love actually represents only the entry of certain hormones into the brain - if their production stops, the feelings also disappear. Couples who have lived together for many years may disagree with this statement. happy marriage. Let's find out how long love really lasts.
Physiology
From a physiological point of view, cases of “three-year” love can be explained. This period is quite enough for a woman to be able to bear, give birth and raise a child - the procreation program after three years can be considered completed, since the mother and child are no longer so defenseless and can easily cope without a father. Hormone production gradually stops, and most couples may feel like their feelings are fading away.
It's no secret that the result and meaning modern relations The birth and raising of a child is not always possible - some couples postpone this process until indefinite term, while others prefer to do without children altogether. Despite this, even a childless couple may experience difficulties at the three-year mark. Tips from our article, which we prepared specially, will help you maintain love after the birth of a child.
Scientists' opinion
The idea that love lasts three years did not appear by chance - according to statistics, relationships break up in the third or fourth year. During this period, most couples experience a crisis in their relationships, and often, instead of looking for solutions to problems and making compromises, partners decide to separate. Scientists believe that it is not love that lasts for three or four years, but infatuation (or passion), and it is this feeling that disappears over time - you begin to notice the shortcomings of your partner, which previously seemed attractive, and you yourself no longer try too hard to seem better than you really are.
Love or infatuation
A statement about the “expiration date” of love may also appear for the reason that a person incorrectly defined the feeling that arose in him - that is, he could not distinguish falling in love from love. Meanwhile, the difference is cardinal - falling in love in most cases is a manic passion for a person’s merits (and a donkey-like stubborn disregard for shortcomings). Love presupposes that you look at your chosen one, having gotten rid of the notorious “ rose-colored glasses”, and feel tenderness, respect and love for him, fully accepting all his shortcomings.
It is believed that the period of falling in love is short and ranges from several weeks to two to three months. Psychologists say that falling in love can last longer - about seventeen months. It is not easy to distinguish this feeling from love, but it is possible - there are 7 unusual signs that you have fallen in love.
For each person, the concept of love and its manifestations are individual - some believe that love has passed if the spouse stopped bringing breakfast to bed (and this was your tradition!), while others refer to similar phenomena with coolness and share common sense. Due to the difference in perception, love can last either a month or the entire time that you spend together. In fact, love lasts as long as two people want it. If
Many psychologists agreed that a crisis comes to a relationship after seven years. But, as practice shows, deterioration in mutual understanding occurs already in the third year of marriage. You've probably heard about the famous novel by the French writer “Love Lives for Three Years.” Is this really true? Let's face it.
Crisis of love: dry statistics versus feelings
Most often, the reason for a soured relationship lies in the fact that partners perceive each other as something ordinary. The couple's relationship no longer has the former romance, which has given way to harsh everyday life. Statistics show that on average a couple spends about 1.2 hours a week sorting things out. After the three-year mark, this figure increases to 2.7.
55% of respondents claimed that work pressures allow them to spend 3 times less on the sexual aspect of living together. Not everyone has the opportunity to maintain romance in such a busy schedule. Because of this, only 16% of married couples surveyed had a stable sex life three or more times a week.
67% of volunteers confirmed the fact that their partner’s initially seemingly harmless habits became more annoying after 3 years. Someone may find fault with snoring, lack of underwear, cut nails, etc. Financial problems, routine work and an unsatisfactory pace of life also adversely affect relationships.
This leads to the fact that over time the couple spends less and less time together, believing that distance will help strengthen the union. Partners say nice things to each other less and less often. So, at the beginning of a relationship, lovers compliment each other about three times a week. After a couple of years, the number drops to one.
It is noteworthy that about 75% of respondents indicated the importance of personal space in relationships, of which approximately 45% of respondents would be ready to run away from their significant other for a week or two, provided that she did not find out about these plans. 6% of couples complaining about a lack of romance or gifts showed a lack of sex life, and 7% of respondents complained about their partners’ abuse of alcoholic beverages.
The same ubiquitous statistics claim that the biggest disappointment in a partner can be the appearance of excess weight, lack of... material support, poor hygiene. If at the beginning of a relationship all the characteristic habits of a partner cause tenderness, then after three years the person no longer tolerates what initially made him smile.
Choosing beautiful home clothes
The first few months, a year after meeting for many couples is the brightest period in a relationship: intensity of passions, emotions, euphoria. It seems like it will always be like this. But then two years pass, three... Vivid emotions are replaced by a more even attitude, and then completely routine. And now the soul again demands flight, and the body demands a hormonal surge. People think that love has passed and it’s time to look for a new one.
Love is like a drug
According to one theory, people are genetically programmed to experience affection for each other for three years in one version and seven years in another. Proponents of this theory say that evolutionarily, the main needs have been formed in humans - to survive and continue their race, and over the past few millennia they have not changed. And together it was easier for people to survive and raise offspring than together. But there had to be something else to keep a man and a woman together for some time, love came up with. The chemical processes in the brain arising under its influence created emotional dependence from a partner, forced to see first of all his advantages and not notice his shortcomings. When the child grew up and became relatively independent, the feeling between his parents began to fade away. Proponents of this theory see procreation as the only goal of bringing men and women closer together, and their attraction to each other is only a consequence of the action of hormones. Some scientists even compare love passion with drug addiction.
Helen Fisher, professor of anthropology from American University Rutgers has been researching the chemistry of love for years. Her results suggest that emotions at different stages of a relationship are accompanied by an increase in different hormones. Thus, falling in love is associated with estrogens and androgens, long-term relationships are associated with serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine, and attachment is accompanied by an increase in oxytocin and vasopressin. It is oxytocin that helps a couple refrain from impulsive actions and from breaking up relationships in crisis periods when the effect of other hormones wears off. At this time, partners gain the opportunity to look at their loved one with an unclouded gaze, they finally realize that he is the same a common person with its own advantages and disadvantages. Emotional and physical dependence passes, and now it depends only on the people themselves whether they decide to continue staying together and working on their relationship or not.
All cases are individual
You can believe in the theory about hormones, especially since everything looks quite logical. But that would be too easy. In practice, one can observe that a huge number of couples break up after a year or a few years, but there are also those who manage to maintain happy relationship and interest in each other for a very long time. And this depends on many factors. Love does not necessarily pass after 3-5 years if: partners continue to surprise each other and remain interesting, develop together, appreciate each other, know how to diversify their lives and receive bright emotions from different joint activities, thereby fueling passion. But for such a relationship to be possible, a man and a woman must initially be united not only by physical attraction, they must have something in common so that it would be more joyful for them to be together than apart.