How to cope with the death of your mother? A loss loved one is the most stressful factor of all. The death of a mother takes anyone by surprise and is experienced quite hard at any age, whether the child is five years old or fifty. It can take several years to get over such a shock, and if you don't pay enough attention to moving through the stages of grief, the consequences can remain an unhealed wound throughout your life.
It is quite normal that you will want to talk about your mother with everyone around you and quite often. Perhaps memories of your mother will emerge at inappropriate, strange moments that were not previously associated with her. When you feel such a desire to express your thoughts, do not lock it inside yourself. Admit that you are bored and need support. It may seem that people around you are indifferent to your tragedy because they do not want to discuss this topic. In fact, a person may be afraid of hurting you with inappropriate remarks or making you cry with some questions. It is guided by concern for you and little opportunity tolerating other people's crying and suffering, people try to limit conversations about your loss or shake you out of your worries.
By waiting for outside help, you can get reverse effect, while people will sincerely wish you well. Help them in this desire to choose the necessary form. When you want to tell something, ask to be nearby and listen, please note that this does not oblige the person to solve problems or lift your spirits, but simply to listen. When someone is too intrusive or rude in their desire to help, communicate your discomfort, ask not to interfere, or say that you will start a conversation when the need arises. With such people it is better not to discuss the loss of the person closest to you, so as not to get hurt even more; it is also good to arrange moments of silence for yourself.
How to cope with the death of your mother? Do not be alone with your experiences and do not devalue them, even if there are no people around you who can adequately stay with you or give useful advice, you can turn to a psychotherapist, a priest, or a person you like. How you live your feelings depends on your decisions and choices - help yourself survive the death of your mother by guiding those around you in their aspirations and looking for ways of coping that suit you.
Such a strong emotional shock as the death of a mother happens to everyone, of course, you are unlikely to be able to forget this fact and make the memories exceptionally joyful, devoid of a bitter aftertaste, but you can gradually return to your full functioning, and replace the pain with a feeling of light sadness.
How can it be easier to cope with the death of your mother? You should not rush in the desire to quickly bring your life to the image in which it was familiar before the tragedy. Firstly, this is impossible, since your life has changed significantly, and ignoring this fact violates your vision, and therefore your interaction with reality.
Secondly, you need to give yourself enough time to mourn, experience pain and melancholy, without looking at examples of who coped with this shock for how long. People have different relationships with their mothers, and death itself can be different, which also affects the rate at which sadness decreases.
Seek help from friends from whom you can either simply wrap yourself in a blanket on the balcony and sit silently for several hours, or understand how to survive the death of your mother and the death that may follow you from false hope that everything could be fixed. But remember that not all your friends may know what you need and how you should be treated in general. this period. Choose people who can support you now, and know how to refuse help that can harm you or you feel resistance (go to a club, get involved new novel, take on a difficult project - to distract yourself).
How to cope with the death of your mother from cancer?
The way a person dies leaves an imprint on those who remain to live. Sudden and quick death takes you by surprise, gives rise to a feeling of confusion and indignation at injustice, there are many understatements and regrets about the fact that you rarely saw each other, and in last conversation got rude. In the event of death from cancer, there are several specific issues for the children of the dying woman.
Most often, this death is not sudden and easy. The patient himself and his relatives are informed of the irreversibility of the approaching outcome and are forced to live the remaining days with this burden. Of course, such knowledge, obtained in advance, makes it possible to ask what you didn’t dare, talk about the most important things, and ask for forgiveness. You cannot be absolutely prepared, but you can be partially prepared in some everyday and ritual matters. But when a mother dies of cancer, it tests her spirit and also poses a difficult challenge for children who begin to go through the stages of loss while their mother is still alive.
This is the desire to deny what is happening, disbelief in doctors and diagnosis. Born for higher power for allowing this to happen, at my mother for being sick, at myself for being powerless. A lot of negativity and confusion in front of the future, which threatens to take away from the world the one who has always been there and archetypally represents this whole world, poses a cruel test to the human psyche. Often with such a diagnosis one has to sacrifice important parts of his life in order to take care of his mother, while being in a semi-shock state in which a person himself needs. This is all very exhausting and a desire is born to “rather,” for which many will then eat themselves with an eternal feeling of guilt.
Here it is worth sharing that you did not want your mother to die quickly, you wanted an end to suffering for her and for yourself, and possibly for your entire family. Death from cancer is often a mixture of grief and relief from one's own suffering. Here you need to understand that it was not in your power to change the hour of your mother’s death, no matter how well you took care of her.
You may develop your own oncology or feel phantom pain in the same place as the deceased. Of course, you can conduct an examination and it is even recommended to do this once a year, but if the symptoms continue to bother you, you should contact a psychotherapist to disidentify with the destructive image.
All other recommendations are the same as for other losses of loved ones - experience grief, use support, wisely restructure your life and gradually return to your usual routine, paying due attention to caring for the maintenance of physical resources.
How to help a child cope with the death of his mother?
There is an opinion that a child experiences loss more easily than an adult, quickly forgets, and may not even be aware of the fact of the death of a parent. Fundamentally incorrect statement, which breaks the psyche of many children, because if an adult has already formed some adaptive concepts and the ability to survive independently in this world, then for a child the death of his mother is tantamount to an apocalypse, since his survival is completely dependent on her.
The experience of grief in children looks specific, different from the crying and hysterics of adults, and assessing their behavior according to the criteria of adult characteristics can lead to the idea that he easily endured the death of his mother, then when it is time to sound the alarm. When a child bursts into tears, they understand and feel sorry for him, but often the child becomes very quiet, obedient, and they like to explain this behavior by saying that now there is no one to pamper him and so he began to behave normally. In fact, inside the child there is a scorched desert and together with the mother a large part of his soul (responsible for the manifestation and understanding of emotions) has died and now a person is needed who can replace the mother in the sphere emotional world and learning the ability to handle them.
Children do not perceive loss in the same way as adults, so they may not speak in the usual words about their grief, but complain about boredom (the world without their mother is not interesting to them), withdraw into themselves, and prefer the company of croaking babies, old people and animals. This choice is due to the fact that these living beings can provide tactile support, and at the same time they will not fiddle with, require activity or vitality. If you observe such alienation in a child, help him survive the death of his mother before he completely withdraws or stops talking (in particularly crisis situations).
When you are in contact with a bereaved child, you will notice how quiet stage shock will be replaced by a stage of anger aimed at deceased mother for leaving me here alone, but to admit such anger in childhood The psyche has no possibility, and therefore it begins to pour out without any address on all surrounding people, objects, weather, phenomena. But instead of anger, another reaction may appear - a feeling of guilt, based on confidence; if he had behaved well (arrived on time, helped more, brought tea to his mother, etc.), then his mother would have been with him. Feelings of guilt in the death of a mother can arise often and at any age, but on this basis a child can believe in his unique great power, the consequences of which can vary from tragic cases and psychiatry to the point of excessiveness, in fear of provoking the death of someone else with their incorrectness.
As we see, a child’s feelings in the process of experiencing grief can be polar and fluctuate with unpredictable frequency. Most of all, he needs a smooth, supportive environment, a person who is able to contain and explain to the child himself what is happening to him now, and that this is normal and he is accepted in any condition.
All questions social order about adoption or registration of guardianship should be resolved in as soon as possible and without changing the decision, since with a long suspended state, the child’s adaptation is delayed. The more various options will change, the more internal resource will be spent getting used to new guardians and new homes and may not have mental and psychic powers to process grief.
How to help a child cope with the death of his mother? As you return to your usual activities, offer your child something new that can partially fill his days (classes, hobbies, travel). And while the baby is going through his adaptation and going through grief, you will have a very valuable separate task - to preserve the memories of his mother. Collect photos and some things, write down stories, her favorite books, places, perfumes. Perhaps at some stages the child will help you with this, at others he will try to destroy everything or will be indifferent - continue collecting, you are doing this for his future. And when the child’s heart ache and he asks to talk about his mother, you can return to him as much memory of her as possible by passing on what belonged to her, talking about her funny characteristics and desires, going to her favorite places.
The widow of the famous actor finally sued his house in the Moscow region!
On October 24, Alexander ABDULOV’s mother, Lyudmila Alexandrovna, was buried at the Ivanovo cemetery. Her second wife spoke about her last days people's artist- Julia.
Sasha’s mother died at the age of 96, says Yulia Abdulova. - Zhenya and I (the only natural daughter Alexandra Abdulova. - N.M.) a week and a half before her death, we visited Lyudmila Alexandrovna in Ivanovo. Zhenya loved her and always missed her. I decided that I would go to the funeral without my daughter. There is no need to traumatize a child for him to see the coffin. It’s good that Zhenya doesn’t remember how the nanny for some reason brought her to church for her father’s funeral service... Sasha’s mother lived happy life: I was never sick with anything, only a month and a half before her death Lyudmila Alexandrovna had a stroke. True, in Lately she began to have memory lapses. Looking at us sitting by her bed, she suddenly asked: “Where are the boys?” She kept looking at the portraits of her three sons hanging in the room - Robert, Vladimir and Alexander, whom she buried, and stretched out her hands to them... Lyudmila Alexandrovna rested in the family grave - next to her parents, sisters, and eldest son Robert. Before we had time to bury Sasha’s mother, they started calling me from all the talk shows. I refused because I don’t trade my face for money. There is no topic for scandal: my mother died not in a hospice, but at home, surrounded by the love of her family. She was buried with dignity. The money she had would be enough for two lives.
Photo by Ruslan VORONOY
After Abdulov’s death, his older paternal brother brought confusion into the relationship between Yulia and the artist’s mother. Robert Krainov.
Robert was always jealous of Sasha, they even fought,” explains Yulia’s friend Irina. - In the past, he was a physicist, retired, lived in Sasha’s house with the money he gave to Lyudmila Alexandrovna. When Abdulov died, Robert laid claim to all the property, and began pitting Yulia against Sasha’s mother. Allegedly, she does not allow her granddaughter to see her grandmother... Yulia behaved with dignity: she borrowed money from Abdulov’s friends and gave it to Robert and Lyudmila Alexandrovna in exchange for their shares in the house. After Robert’s sudden death, for some reason all the money ended up in his account. His wife Alya could not use them, because Robert’s children from previous marriages began to claim the inheritance.
Zhenechka not only plays the piano, but has already starred in the film “Love and Sax”
Abdulov had two houses, one of which is located in Valdai, says Yulia. - It was he who was put up for sale in order to pay off debts.
She does not want to sell the house in Vnukovo near Moscow, which Abdulov built. Yulia managed to win all the cases, and now there are no legal encumbrances on the house. However, Yulia prefers to live with her daughter in a Moscow apartment, and her father lives in Vnukovo.
The house is poorly insulated, so it needs to be heated in winter,” says Yulia’s friend. - Zhenya rarely goes there, because she needs the Internet, and the connection there doesn’t work well. The girl is in fourth grade, she grows up fighting, and is friends only with boys. In general, I took after my father.
The legal battle for this house of Alexander ABDULOV in Vnukovo spoiled a lot of blood for the actor’s family and friends. Photo by Boris KUDRYAVOV Goodbye grandma...
Ksenia Alferova wrote on Instagram about the departure of a loved one.
Hello, I am writing here to ask for help. The fact is that I have been living in a terrible state for a year now, I am very worried and cannot find an answer to my question. My mother died, and at the time of her death I left, was not around, left her alone, and arrived only when she had already died. This is terrible, it shouldn’t be like this, you will think, and you will be right, but I would like to talk a little more about this situation and then ask Main question, which torments me and does not allow me to live. Mom was sick for 10 years, she had cancer and mental illness . The second thing turned her into almost a different person. When she got sick, I was 19 years old, I was studying at the university, I didn’t have a dad. I had to study, take care of my mother, at first she was in hospitals, and then she was simply discharged home and given a group. That's all. And I was left alone with trouble. My brother was a year younger, I sent him to the army, and then when he returned, he started drinking, his nerves could not stand it, it was difficult with his mother. I was torn, I looked at my mother, I pulled my brother out of the hole, in general, I don’t know how I survived that terrible period. Then I got married, I found a good, understanding man, he took me with this baggage of all my problems, gave birth to a child, my mother was sick all this time, the disease progressed, she became worse, she turned into a completely different person, did not wash, did not read, began to wander , while she still had strength, she began to steal small change, one day she came to my house and hid in a hole in the yard. Sometimes she would come and, for example, in front of a child, begin to hang herself in my house or throw herself on the table and cry. my children, I, and my husband suffered, but we could not do anything, her illness did not allow either her or us to live. I felt incredibly sorry for her, although I suffered incredibly from her antics. At first, her sister, my aunt, helped me, but in the end she couldn’t stand it and said that this was my cross and I had to carry it, but she couldn’t do it anymore. Gone. Then my brother started drinking, he drank terribly, he was worried. I was worried about him, at 25 I finally went completely gray. Here you go. After 10 years of such torment, my mother became very ill, she stopped eating, went to bed, did not walk, diapers, then bedsores, she needed care, it was on me, and I had just given birth to my second child, everything was very difficult. I couldn’t take her home with me, because my eldest girl was afraid of her grandmother, we barely cured her of fear after several situations with my mother, my husband was against it, and our house at that time was old, without amenities, small . Therefore, my mother lay in her three-room apartment. We lived not far from each other. Every morning I came, changed clothes, dried her, changed diapers, treated bedsores, left, left her lunch. Her brother fed her lunch; he lived with her. In the evening I arrived, the same procedures again, plus I could already sit with her, be close to her, because... my husband came home from work and watched the children at this time. And then one day she suddenly stopped eating, and somehow her face suddenly changed in a very strange way, just in the evening everything was as usual, and then in the morning I arrive, and she doesn’t recognize me, she hums, her face is distorted, her jaw is sunken , my legs were twisted somehow strangely. Oh, I’m writing and crying, I can’t remember all this, I can’t. And so I called an ambulance, it was about 9 in the morning, I did not understand that she was dying, it was as if I was in a dream, and now I remember this day and understand that it was as if I was not me. The ambulance arrives and they tell me, why did you call us, she’s in agony, we won’t get her there, she’ll die in the car. They left at 10 am. And what happened next I cannot explain. I don't know what happened to me. The doctors said that she would die today, and I packed up and went home to the children. I had to be with her, hold her hand, stroke her, wet her lips, soothe her. And I left. It’s like I didn’t realize that she was dying, you know? I came home, didn’t call anyone, and in the evening, as usual, I went to her, and took baby food in a jar and a bottle, I thought about feeding her from a bottle. She came, she was lying with with open eyes, I came up, touched her, she was cold, I started talking to her, I said, mommy, well, you’re all frozen, why did you open up? I brought her another blanket, covered her, tried to pour some drink into her mouth, and she just looked at me with frozen eyes. And even then!!! I still haven’t realized that she’s dead, you know? Only when I hugged her to warm her did I feel that her heart was not beating, and only then did it dawn on me that she was dead. I don’t know why, but I started singing a song to her, something like a lullaby about angels, I don’t remember now, and I sat with her like that until my brother came. I didn’t cry, it was as if I didn’t understand anything in those days, I don’t even remember myself at the funeral, I only remember that my back hurt terribly and I wanted to lie down on the ground. That's all. And then a year passed, I moved away a little, and the understanding came to me that I left my mother to die alone. I understood that she would die today, but I seemed to force myself to believe that this was not so, and I left. Why I did this, I don’t know, but the feeling of guilt has always stayed with me. I can't live normally, it seems to me that I am a traitor. And now I have my MAIN question - maybe there are believers or knowledgeable people - tell me, does a dying person need the presence of people nearby? Is it true that at the moment of death a person is calmed by the presence of loved ones or does the dying person, on the contrary, need to be left alone? IN different sources I read different things on the Internet, but I never found an answer. I can’t explain my action, I reassure myself only by the fact that perhaps I realized somewhere subconsciously that I would not survive this - to see my mother leave, and yet there were still two small children waiting for me at home. But still this does not justify my action. Has anyone experienced something similar? Did my mother forgive me, up there in heaven? I never dreamed about her, she came to everyone in a dream, but not to me, why? After all, only I was with her to the end, only I experienced her illness as hard as she did, I could not reach the very end... Help, thank you
Former gymnast and TV presenter Laysan Utyasheva recently experienced great tragedy in life. After she miraculously managed to recover from a severe injury, her mother suddenly died Zulfiya Utyasheva, who, according to the athlete, was the closest person to her. The celebrity spoke openly for the first time about the details of the grief she experienced in an interview with the Peopletalk.ru portal. She reported that she was very friendly with her mother and learned wisdom from her every day.
"Eat different shades of death. When a person dies in a hospital, it is pain and horror. When a person dies of old age, it also hurts, but there is an understanding that he has lived a life. But when you hold a person in your arms who was breathing a minute ago, it’s scary. You tried everything - artificial respiration, attempts to resuscitate. In madness, I ran barefoot through the snow, because the ambulance could not find our house... And then - emptiness. I remember falling and that's it. It’s as if you are living and not living,” Laysan admitted to the press. She noted that she shared her pain with readers because she wanted to protect them from depressive thoughts about suicide, which also affected her.
“When I talk about this tragedy, I hope that people who have lost a loved one and are in despair or have tried to kill themselves will still get themselves out of this state for only one reason: know that your loved one who left , the last thing I would like is for you to die. You need to understand this with your whole body, with your whole mind, and when the most terrible moment of anguish and agony comes, you need to pull yourself together. I realized that my mother would be very upset and would not like that I was dying. Mom died in March, I realized it by July,” added the TV presenter.
Utyasheva also said that her husband and father of her two children, a resident Comedy Club Pavel Volya, helped her in every possible way and supported her in a difficult situation. “I had terrible psychological breakdowns. I give birth to Robert, and at that very second, unconscious, I take the phone and dial my mother... Yes, it’s scary. Pashka flies up to me, hugs me and says: “Masya, let’s call my mother.” My mother always liked Pasha. She approved of our union. All this was born before her eyes,” the athlete said.
“The loss of a loved one can be compared to own death. Today's me is a completely different person. No matter how much I smile at my happiness, this imprint will not be washed away. This is impossible. I am the happiest wife and mother. But a very unhappy daughter. A little girl who really wants to be in her mother’s arms,” Laysan openly spoke about her loss.
On this topic: Photo: Personastars