Let's get to the bottom of the answers to these pressing questions and find out: how to restrain anger, what is the main mistake and how to correct it, thereby making not only yourself, but also those around you happy.
Suppressing anger is definitely a bad idea
In this case, you just mutter through your teeth: “everything is fine” and try to continue doing things. Good news the fact is that such behavior really hides anger - but only from others - your emotions only intensify from trying to suppress them.
Oliver Brookman's book "Antidode" describes several experiments confirming that people who hide their emotions experience them much stronger and longer than those who are not embarrassed to express these emotions. If you try to hold back your tears, they won't go away and the urge to cry will intensify. What happens in our head when we try to suppress an outburst of anger? And there is a real hurricane!
You stop experiencing positive emotions, but not negative. Your amygdala (the part of the brain that affects emotions) starts working overtime. But, what’s most interesting is that you suppress emotions, and it becomes worse for your interlocutor too. Once you begin to control your anger, blood pressure your opponent jumps up, which gradually develops into a lasting hostility towards you. If you are forced to communicate for a long time, there is a chance that the relationship between you will be lousy, and this is unlikely to please you.
Among other things, suppressing your emotions requires certain volitional efforts, and as you know, strength tends to run out. That is why people who often hide their emotions often find themselves in situations where they later regret what they say in their hearts.
Someone will now think: “I knew it! It’s harmful to hold back your anger—you’ll have to take it out on those around you.”
And this is also wrong.
Don't give in to anger
And so you explode and take your anger out on your friend, as if you were in a duel. Not the best idea, you will agree.
Whining up and splashing out anger only intensifies the emotional explosion. It is certainly possible to express your dissatisfaction constructively, but you should not dump your anger on your interlocutor - your anger will grow like a snowball with every word spoken.
But what will help then? You can try to distract yourself, but will that help?
Will help. Energetic resources your brain is limited, so if you shift your attention to something else, your brain can no longer concentrate on constantly and unhelpfully thinking about unpleasant situations.
What do you know about the Marshmallow test? The child was given one piece of marshmallow and left alone in the room, with the promise that at the end he would be given two pieces of marshmallow if he could resist eating the one he already had. What were the results? Children who were able to pull themselves together and did not eat the marshmallows in the future achieved best results career and never went to jail.
The test results are clear, but few people talk about how the children managed to restrain themselves from eating the candy. It’s very simple - they were distracted. Walter Mischel, author of the study, comments:
“The children found something to do: they hummed tunes, picked their ears, played with their fingers or with whatever they could find in the room. So they smoothed it out internal conflict and eliminated unpleasant situation expectations."
And this technique works with other types as well. strong emotions, such as anger.
Yes, yes, I know – it’s quite difficult to distract yourself when someone is screaming hysterically right in your face. However, there is one way.
Revaluation
Once again, let’s imagine the situation in detail: someone is standing a few centimeters away from you and yelling at you for no reason. You really want to respond in kind or even hit your “interlocutor” hard against something.
But what if I told you that this man lost his mother yesterday? Or is he going through a difficult divorce, and yesterday his rights to his children were taken away from him?
You would most likely not take his anger so personally, and perhaps you would even sympathize.
What changed? Never mind! It's just that the backstory you told yourself changed your perspective on the situation. As Albert Alice said: “You are not offended by events, but by your own thoughts.” The next time you are faced with a situation where someone starts to take it out on you, just tell yourself: “I have nothing to do with it. He's just having a bad day." As soon as you change your perception of a situation, your brain changes your emotions towards it.
One of David Rock's books describes an interesting experiment: Professor Oschner studied people's emotions using a tomograph. The subjects were shown the same photograph, which depicted a man crying near a church. At first people felt sympathy and sadness. However, when they were told that these were tears of joy and the person was getting married, people’s emotions changed radically. The professor explains this circumstance by the fact that our emotions depend on our ideas about the world - as soon as we change our ideas, our emotions also change.
So if you tell yourself, “he's just having a bad day,” your view of reality will change and negative emotions will be crowded out by positive ones. The result will not take long to arrive. Research described by James Gross in one of his books showed that people who put these anger replacement techniques into practice have more friends and close contacts.
Moreover, this technique will allow you to get rid of anger without suppressing it within yourself, and therefore without “exploding” later. You will no longer have to regret the words you said to someone in the heat of the moment.
What do we have in the end?
To get rid of anger you need:
- Do not suppress anger - maybe those around you do not see its manifestations, but they feel your state very well, and the relationship still deteriorates.
- Don’t stress yourself out by dumping your emotions on others – express the reason for your dissatisfaction calmly and constructively – please. But don’t escalate your anger even more – it will only make things worse for you.
- Reassess the situation - just tell yourself: “I have nothing to do with it - he’s just having a hard day.”
Of course, there are situations when your opponent deliberately pisses you off, and then there is nothing left to do but simply try to suppress the anger in yourself so as not to aggravate your own experiences. Still, sometimes reappraising the situation can help you change your emotions and replace feelings of anger with compassion, empathy or understanding.
Now there is the last step on the path to maintaining a good relationship - to forgive. And you need this, not your interlocutor. Remember the old saying: holding a grudge against someone is the same as drinking poison yourself, thinking that someone else will die.
Every person who is engaged in one activity or another would like to know when something doesn’t work out and life is not the way you would like it to be. Anger is actually a human emotional disorder that arises due to... external factors. You can stop being angry even in 1 minute, but if you want to learn more information and learn in the future to control yourself so as not to get angry, then this article is for you.
Psychologists have studied and found the most effective ways in order to stop being angry, and will provide them in this article. Put all the tips into practice, and you will notice the result soon.
Reason for anger
To realize how to stop being angry at people , it is enough to simply identify the cause. Anger can disappear on its own when the cause is already known. But if this does not happen, then you need to find a way to eliminate the cause of anger and start enjoying life. There are enough reasons for anger, and there is no point in listing them all. The main thing for you is to find time to find out what was causing the anger and solve the problem immediately. It's quite simple, all you need is desire. And if you don't have the time and desire, then you will just continue to be angry all the time, even when the reason for it is meaningless.
Start thinking logically
There are as many questions as there are answers on how to stop being angry. And to solve your problem, you first need to ask a question and find your own way to solve the problem. Since we are all different and everyone needs individual approach. It is known that anger is emotional thinking that has no meaning, but takes great place in our life. In order to stop being angry, just start thinking not emotionally, but logically. For example, you can start creating, play chess, solve your problems and help people. Logical thinking will never provoke anger, so try to emotional thinking was less or just start controlling your emotions.
Count slowly to 100 or to 1000 if you are very angry
There is one great method to stop being angry quickly and easily. You just need to start counting to 100 if you're a little angry, or to 1000 if you're really angry. To be more effective, you need to count slowly or out loud. This method helped many people, so it will help you too. Try, experiment, if it doesn’t work, look for another method, we are all different. For example, you can just start counting the stars or anything to get your thoughts diverted to other things. Then you will cool down and continue working and enjoying life.
Get some exercise
We are all emotional people and cannot control our emotions for long, so if you want to know how to stop... get angry
, then you just need to play sports. For guys, you can start doing push-ups until your brain starts thinking logically, and for girls, you can do squats. Choose for yourself the exercise that you will do when you feel angry. Each person has his own approach and his own exercise, the main thing is to look at the effectiveness, which is more helpful for those to use.
Also, sport is useful not only when you are angry and feel bad, but also when Everyday life. For example, in the morning, sports or simple exercises help you gain energy for the whole day, which cannot be compared with coffee and other harmful things for energy. Also, if you engage in active sports, it helps the heart and the whole body to be healthy, which prolongs life. Sport helps you tune in when you have lost the meaning of life or don’t know how to solve a particular problem.
Start smiling
To stop being angry you just need to start smiling. This is due to the fact that we are used to smiling when we feel good, we are happy and good mood. And if we start to forcefully smile when we feel bad, then this will simply change your evil consciousness into a good mood. Scientists have noticed that smiling and laughter not only prolongs life, but also makes a person more beautiful, more successful, helps to cope with problems much faster and solve big things and achieve huge goals. Give a smile to others, and they will give you a smile when you need it.
Play your favorite music
The easiest way to stop get angry at people, is to turn on your favorite music and listen until you feel good and the anger goes away. For example, you can try to first turn on and listen to the music that calms you down, if that doesn’t help, turn on cheerful music and you can even dance until all the negative emotions come out. Or turn it on sad music to go deeper into problems in order to get rid of them forever. If you want to charge yourself in the morning only positive thoughts, then start jogging every morning for 30 minutes or more. To prevent negative emotions from accumulating, they need to be expelled before they begin to manifest themselves. There are numerous ways to do this.
Find happiness at work
Every person strives for happiness and tranquility, but how stop being angry And not everyone knows how to start living with joy. You need to stop running in the wrong direction for happiness. Since happiness is your favorite job, health, family and yourself. Accordingly, if you run to wealth, losing your family, health and yourself, then you will also lose the happiness that everyone already has. , many people ask, the best answer is in yourself. Happiness is in us and we just need to accept it and start appreciating everything that we already have. And if you just want to prove by external factors that you are happy, you won’t succeed. Live and think that you are already happy and the world around you will be built accordingly and there will be no question of anger.
If you have questions, write them in the comments.
psycho- olog. ru
Even in a good, beloved and highly paid job, we are not immune from irritation, since we periodically experience dissatisfaction, annoyance and anger at managers, colleagues or clients.
Irritation is a negative feeling and it is unpleasant to experience. Not only does it make us feel bad, it makes us look bad in the eyes of others, and it makes those around us feel bad too.
Ideally, I would like to not experience irritation at all. Therefore, the first thing I set out to do was find information on what to do so as not to experience irritation. I found six ways.
Method one. Minimize communication with those who annoy you. Contact the “irritant” only about work, only when it is very necessary and only to the point.
Method two. Switch feelings. As soon as irritation looms on the horizon, start thinking about what you like most in the world: about candy, about a cutlet, about Light, about a bouquet, about anything, as long as it makes you feel good to think about it.
Method three. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. As soon as someone starts to annoy you, immediately imagine that you are also annoying this someone.
Method four. Don't try to behave too decently. Striving to be extremely respectful with all colleagues and all clients (read - trying to please everyone), we consider it our duty to ask empty questions for a long time at every meeting. Then we ourselves become irritated, listening to the answers to them.
Method five. Learn to accept people as they are. Some are very smart, some are erudite, some are creative. All three can be sloppy or undisciplined. Accept these shortcomings of people, which do not really interfere with work, as a fact. And follow the sixth method.
Method six(suggested by Anna Sevyarynets). Search in "irritant" positive traits or at least positive traits. If desired, good can be found in any person. When you find this positive, the irritation will naturally decrease, or even go away altogether.
What if it doesn't work? What to do if you can’t avoid feeling irritated?
According to certified international psychologist Asya Barysheva, irritation needs to be given vent at least from time to time. For this, Ms. Barysheva also offers several ways.
Method one. Mentally take out the irritation on the “irritant”. For example, we mentally take a heavy folder with documents and hit the boss on the head (or not with the folder and not on the head, you can imagine anything).
Method two. Let's relax. Irritation is anger, and anger is tension. Try to relax. The tension will go away, and the irritation will go away along with it.
Method three. Let's watch our breathing. Slowly we take a full breath of air through our nose, and then exhale sharply through our mouth, imagining how irritation, resentment and bitterness go away with the air. Breathe until you feel that you have truly exhaled all the irritation. If the situation allows, when exhaling, you can follow the example of the hero Alexander Zbruev from Dmitry Astrakhan’s film “Everything will be fine!” He raised his hand up, and then sharply threw it down with the words: “Well, to hell with him, with...” (followed by the name of the one with whom the horseradish is being dealt with).
Method four. We imagine absurd details that make the “stimulant” funny. We'll present the boss in a bunny suit, and assign it to a colleague deer horns, and we will reduce the client in size and put him in a three-liter jar. The main thing is to choose an image that will cheer you up. This is not done for the purpose of laughing, but to reduce the importance conflict situation and reducing the anger, fear or mistrust we feel towards the stimulus.
Method five. Let's draw. Draw the stimulus as best you can, and then cross it out in the drawing with a black-black marker or tear the drawing into small pieces (or cross it out and then tear it up). As an option: draw a caricature of the irritant; every glance at it will return you to a good mood.
That's all I have. But I deliberately started the title with the words “At a minimum,” so that you, dear readers, would share in the comments the methods known to you. Well, for those for whom nothing helps at all in the fight against irritation, I advise you to seek help from a psychologist on our portal.
At every stage of interaction, we strive to get something from someone. If we don’t receive it, hostility, aggression, resentment, anger, and indignation arise. There is a way to mathematically accurately understand the difference between expectations and opportunities and determine their points of contact.
One overtook, another pushed, this one didn’t give enough change, the colleague looked at him wrong, the boss gave the order wrong, the husband chewed dinner wrong, the child folded the books wrong. Apparently, their common desire is for me to go crazy with anger and resentment. How can you not get angry?
How to stop getting irritated and angry when it seems like everyone around you is conspiring to bring you down? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan will tell you how to cope with irritation for any reason, hatred of a neighbor in a traffic jam, aggression, the desire to call your husband names, yell at a child, be offended for life with your ex, get angry with your mother, slam the door and not talk for years. Do you want to communicate with people without the admixture of these nasty emotions that drain all your life energy?
Why do we get irritated and angry
Anger arises when someone does something differently than we imagined. System-vector psychology says that without understanding general principles devices human psyche We are aware only of ourselves, we look at everyone through our own prism and expect people to make their desires come true.
At every stage of interaction, we strive to get something from someone. If we don’t receive it, hostility, aggression, resentment, anger, and indignation arise. There is a way to mathematically accurately understand the difference between expectations and opportunities and determine their points of contact.
Something went wrong
If something goes against natural properties our psyche, we experience discomfort and blame other people for it. It seems that a modern metropolis is a bundle of tension; all human wiring in it can sparkle in an instant for any reason.
And if you look at it, we each get angry and irritated about our own things - which means that the wires in the bundle of nerves can be untangled and protected from fire.
Behind the screen of irritation, everyone has their own spectrum of emotions, determined by a set of vectors:
skinners - really get irritated and angry;
owners anal vector- they get offended, don’t have time and fall into a stupor;
urethrals - angry;
muscular people - endure, but if the cup overflows, they can feel rage;
spectators are ironic and look down upon in a snobbish manner;
sound people - they feel like the smartest, and hide from the “bunch of idiots” in solitude; worsening of the condition can grow into hatred towards people.
At the root, it is hostility from the fact that someone thinks and does not do what we want.
Cheat sheet on how to stop being angry and angry
The scheme is simple:
- We know what is a factor of irritation for others → we don’t irritate them that way or at least minimize the stress factor.
- We know what makes us angry → we relieve tension by realizing natural properties.
| Vector | A reason to be angry and irritated, i.e. to express hostility | How to reduce tension |
|---|---|---|
| Cutaneous | Loss of time, material and property risks, slowness and tediousness of the owners of the anal vector. | Fill your time with something useful, plan a source of new income, read the article How to stop being envious. |
| Anal | Novelty, change of tasks, the need to act quickly, disorder, curvature of lines, roads, thoughts, unscrupulousness of leather workers, injustice. | Give the right amount of time, apologize, thank. |
| Urethral | Downgrading of status. | You can admire only by looking from the bottom up. The king! |
| Muscular | The need to accept independent decisions, separate from the general mass. | Do not require initiative, give the opportunity for physical labor. |
| Visual | Lack of emotion, lack of response to the expression of feelings, errors in speech, bad taste, silence. | Give the emotional response you can! The viewer will catch the slightest drop of soulfulness. Read the article. |
| Sound | Noise, shouting, talkativeness, material values, own body. | Talk in a half whisper about the great unearthly. Be silent together. |
| Oral | When they don't listen to him. | Listen - only if it’s not in front of you. It’s better to send him to public speaking courses. |
| Olfactory | When people do not fulfill their species roles. | Fulfill. |
We get mad not only from a lack of understanding of the manifestations in a person of a vector that we do not have. Sometimes properties that are in ourselves at a different level of development, in a different state, cause even greater irritation.
For example, a developed skin legislator cannot digest a skin thief, a visual hysteric gets irritated when looking at a realized vector friend - a “holy man” who helps everyone, and a muse who loves everyone.
How to stop getting angry while driving?
Let's watch life situations With different sides to understand how not to get angry and how to stop getting irritated for any reason.
Driver 1: Where are you going? Don't you see this is a dedicated line? I'm keeping my head down. The quieter you go, the further you'll get. And such upstarts only make you want to take out a baton and crack them hard so that you know your place.
Driver 2: Are you sorry to move a little so I can squeeze through? I hate traffic jams - I'm angry, I'm itching. Precious time is running out. The desire to get out of the car and run across the rooftops. It's time to buy a motorcycle, or better yet a helicopter!
System tip 1: Adherents of quality and order, owners of the anal vector do not like to do many things at once - and there is no need. Without being distracted from the road, just analyze the differences between your outlook on life and the attitude of that reckless driver. You can determine the psyche without even seeing the driver of the car. Accurate recognition relieves tension, eliminates aggression and the desire to break the nimble's body.
System tip 2: If you still can’t overtake anyone and have to stand still, just do something useful. You can, for example, pump the muscles of your back, legs and abs. When a traffic jam is also a workout, it’s not so excruciatingly painful to waste minutes waiting. The muscles are pumped up - you can also work with your head: think over a plan for tomorrow’s meeting or a shopping list. Stock news can help you stop being angry and irritated.
How to stop being annoyed with your husband and wife
Wife: He probably doesn't love me at all. He returns so late, but when he comes, you can’t get a word out of him. Even on weekends and holidays you can’t find him at home - mountains, running, skiing, always plans, projects, meetings. Family seems to mean nothing to him. There is no desire to even go out to meet him. It's a shame beyond belief.
Husband: How can you spend two hours getting ready? The boss is waiting for us for dinner, but she’s still fussing around, she can’t say goodbye to the children. It will also take forever to choose a dress! It's annoying.
System advice:
Opposites are naturally attracted to couples along lower vectors, says system-vector psychology Yuri Burlan. The only way stop being angry and irritated family relationships- is to understand the difference in your deepest priorities and feel the beauty in the merging of opposites, united general emotions and goals.
A skinny husband who works and supports a family does not mean he is an unloving husband. He is designed by nature in such a way that he runs through life in search of a mammoth (earning money). He is a hunter. And the hunter needs time to rest and recuperate. His family serves as his backbone. If all that awaits him at home is silent resentment and a cold dinner, he may not come running at all. What to do? .
The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»At first I thought of writing a long article with a bunch of recommendations, but then I decided that it’s all already there, we need to show the essence of why we get irritated in the first place. Maybe then you won’t need a bunch of recommendations.
I think everyone gets irritated more than once a day, so the feeling is familiar and understandable to everyone. Its harmfulness lies in the fact that it is negative, and when we feel it, we often add negative thoughts to it, i.e. fanning discontent. And this, of course, interferes with our lives and takes us “in the wrong direction” from our goals and desires. Many are accustomed to suppressing irritation. But as Dr. Pearl says, “We weren't given our egos so we could starve them to death. The ego was given to us so that we could learn to bring it into balance.”
That's why main question– not that thinking and feeling negatively is bad, but how to achieve this balance.
Those. Let's right now shift our attention from what prevents us from living, to what we would like to have ideally. Our brain never stops inventing different thoughts, but it is in our power to treat them differently.
So, irritation.
Here's the key: Every time you get irritated, look for what you're resisting. Only resistance, and nothing more, gives rise to our irritation with something or someone.
Let's use examples. They pay little at work, and the boss spends money unreasonably; he could have given a bonus. Irritation. Now – attention – what are we resisting here? The fact that the boss is “not like that”, that our work is not valued enough, that there is not enough money, etc. And we resist all this because we don’t agree. How to agree? Take your responsibility. The choice of place of work and level of pay is ours, the decision to work with this boss is ours, but for some reason we get annoyed with others. I have already written about how to be able to take responsibility. Once we stop resisting, we will notice that we are no longer irritated.
Another situation: your mother-in-law often comes to visit and overly controls your life and relationship with your husband. Of course, it’s annoying, “they don’t behave the same way!” Let's see what we are resisting here. The answer is obvious: violation of our personal boundaries. When people step into our territory without asking, it’s natural to feel irritated. You may ask: should we let her run our house? No, but resisting it is harmful - You I feel irritated, but my mother-in-law doesn’t care. Therefore, a simple solution is to learn to set your boundaries, and start doing this with your mother-in-law. In a month or two the situation will change dramatically. I teach how to set boundaries in trainings.
Or another example - your husband does nothing at home, lies on the sofa, drinks beer, brings no money, has no hobby, sits on your neck, and is also dissatisfied. Of course it's annoying. Again we return to the topic of responsibility and look at what we resist. Basically, your decision. Those. choosing to continue living with a person, life values which differs from yours, you take responsibility for the quality of her life upon yourself. Of course, blaming your husband is much easier, but it is not he who is irritated, but us, so we have to solve the problem. Resist own decision more than strange, but you will be surprised when, after auditing all your grievances, you will see how often this happens. I will not show ways to solve this issue, everything is strictly individual, but in general it is clear that the husband has nothing to do with it, but the responsibility is still ours. This is our life.
I think there are enough examples to understand how it works. Let's do it again: irritation - we look for it, what we resist - we find it - we decide what can be changed here - we find an opportunity to do it - we do it. Formulations like “well, what can I do?”, raised eyebrows and helpless raising of hands are not accepted, this is not our method). Irritation is ours, which means that only we can do something here, the question is not whether you can or not, but what exactly you will do to live better.
Having fully realized that any irritation experienced is based on our resistance to someone or something, you can easily and quickly reach a fundamentally different emotional level life. Those. this is the basic cause of irritation, and the consequences are most often proposed to be “treated.” It is clear that with this approach, the “treatment” is greatly delayed, and the “illness” becomes chronic. And how many such chronically “ill” people with irritation do we meet every day! But the method works for them too, the main thing is desire and self-discipline, irritation has accumulated over the years, and it will not go away in a day, this is important to understand.
In a word, take it, act and get results).
With love, Yulia Solomonova