Help from a psychologist Moscow. I don't have to please everyone.
If we approach this problem from the point of view of a psychotherapist and psychologist, I would like to note that clients often come to see me and try to please everyone and fit in. And when they behave like this, then there comes a moment of aftertaste. They understand that this kind of groveling before others lowers their self-esteem even more, and aggravates the problem.
That's why, this situation it is advisable to disassemble and solve, and again, how experienced psychologist, psychotherapist and sexologist, I note that this is typical for almost half of my clients, and often underlies a problematic condition in all areas of life: from work to sex.
For example, the first situation that my client from Moscow identified was her behavior in the store. And indeed, sometimes you come across such malicious sellers who try to dump their negativity on buyers.
In such cases, the client was lost, fell into some kind of stupor, and could not answer anything.
Now she has begun to remove her problematic state, in return receiving a new positive one: “everyone doesn’t have to like me.” And the girl filled herself with a strange, but quite understandable resource for her: “sending people at will” - it was a virtual machine gun.
The next memory was associated with her habit of “doing her lips like a duck” when she was shy, lost, or didn’t know what to say. At this moment her voice became unpleasantly high-pitched, and she began to mumble something.
Now, at thirty years old, the client, in some uncomfortable situation for her, began to behave like a thirteen-year-old girl.
Having worked through the problem, she filled herself oratory skills, beautiful speech, diction, and low voice.
“If you want to be respected, first, and most importantly, respect yourself; Only with self-respect will you force others to respect themselves.”
(F. M. Dostoevsky)
Raymond was working for a Los Angeles electrical wholesaler when the sales manager had to leave town due to family reasons. Popular with both clients and colleagues, Raymond was the most suitable candidate for the vacant post.
However, he had no management experience, and he did not know where to approach his new responsibilities. “It was just terrible,” Raymond recalled. “I didn’t want to upset my subordinates and therefore forgave them many mistakes, later correcting them myself. I didn’t want to get into conflict with anyone, and as a result they simply wiped their feet on me.” Raymond did not know how to gain the respect of his subordinates necessary to make them understand that they were responsible for their actions. The result was disastrous: although formally he was the boss, no one considered him to be one, and he himself did not feel like one.
After a few months, tired of conflicts, Raymond began to withdraw into himself, spending more and more time in the office. Meanwhile, some of his subordinates began to openly be rude to clients, whose complaints flew to the owner of the company. Only after receiving a severe reprimand from his superiors did Raymond decide that he had had enough.
Such catastrophic debuts are not uncommon. Newbie managers rush to one of the extremes: either they lose control over the situation because they are trying to please everyone, or, conversely, they push their subordinates to revolt with their despotism. The first management experience can be difficult and strange time. However, subordinates wipe their feet when managers try to please everyone, regardless of their experience.
Trying to please people is like a boomerang: the harder you try to please, the more fewer people you are respected. Such managers are like puppies, demanding attention. At first, their attempts to please you look touching, but the further you go, the more they begin to irritate you. I knew one woman who put so much effort into pleasing everyone that those around her actively tried to throw her off balance and make her angry. When her colleagues brought her to tears, she asked me: “What have I done to deserve such an attitude?”
“You asked for it yourself,” I answered.
“Never regard as useful to you anything that will ever force you to break fidelity, forget shame, or hate another.”
(Marcus Aurelius)
Why do we go out of our way to please others? From a psychological point of view, this is quite simple problem, whose roots come from childhood. (Children of alcoholics often grow up to be people-pleasers because they early age ready to make any sacrifice just to maintain peace in the family.) If you are trying to please everyone, then in this way you are trying to achieve positive attention that you did not receive in childhood. You may also have discovered that you are able to manipulate teachers and other adults with your “ good behavior", "kindness", "politeness", "diligence" or some other way. By pleasing everyone, you received much-needed attention.
For you, this has always been a way to control the situation and fight negativity - at least for a while. However, such methods cannot work for a long time, moreover, they lead to failure.
Women are especially prone to this behavior because their self-esteem is directly tied to their relationships with others (“If people like me, then I’m something; if no one likes me, then I’m worthless”). For men, self-esteem is associated with competence (“If I am competent, I am valued; if not, then I am worthless”).
As a rule, people who try to please everyone tend to following forms behavior.
Firstly, they overwork themselves, working from dawn to dusk in order to earn praise. Secondly, they are pathologically organized - only for the purpose of minimizing the chances of making a mistake in something.
Thirdly, they try never to enter into conflict, so as not to upset others. Fourthly, they are sociable, friendly, cheerful, always ready to help in word and deed, optimistic and inventive - because they think that all these traits will help them earn the trust and respect of others.
Fifthly, they are always ready to take on new project, humbly accept new tasks and are always ready to respond to requests.
It would seem - excellent qualities. In reality, everything is not so simple.
A “No” said with deep conviction is better than a “Yes” said only to please, or, worse than that to avoid problems."
(Mahatma Gandhi)
While in childhood trying to please everyone can lead to success, in adulthood it can create a whole bunch of various problems. Instead of listening to yourself, you have trained yourself to listen to others. It is difficult for you to clearly delineate boundaries in relationships with people. You want to hear “yes” so much that it is very difficult to say “no”. You are taking on too much. You crave love. Perhaps this behavior even put you in downright dangerous situations. And worst of all, you lose the respect of the people whose opinions matter most to you and whose approval you work especially hard to achieve. It's time to stop.
Does this mean that you should stop being polite and friendly? Of course not. This means that it’s time to finally hang a signal in front of you: red means “stop”, yellow means “wait”, green means “road is clear” - and start filtering people through these colored lenses. This means that the entire belief system needs to be restructured. Instead of thinking of yourself as a puppy demanding to be petted, start thinking of yourself as the puppy's owner—as a person whose respect you would like to earn.
The owners have boundaries that cannot be crossed. To become a master, you need to delineate them while simultaneously addressing the challenge of protecting yourself and preserving your self-respect. Think about this: a puppy needs more than just superficial attention. He wants more - a good owner who will be kind to him, who will love and instruct him, but at the same time will train him and clearly show him what he can and cannot do.
A good owner will not allow a puppy to run out into the middle of the highway.
Instead, he will teach him to be careful. Good master will teach him to distinguish good people from bad, will show him when to run and when to fight. Until now, you were a puppy who needed a kind but demanding owner. Now it's your turn to become the boss yourself. Set your boundaries. Set rules for yourself.
“Inner strength is the ability to respect other people's music, but dance to your own tune and listen to your own harmony.”
(Doc Childre)
On top of all this, you also need to teach your inner puppy to say no. If you hold a leadership position, try delegating some of the tasks (for more details, see the chapter “Don't Share Power”). If you don't manage anyone, but people constantly ask you for help, as a result of which you waste time without really moving forward in your work. own work, just tell them no. Don't be afraid, this won't cause the Apocalypse. Stop trying to be friends with everyone. Of course, be friendly– quite normal, but remember to keep your distance. This doesn't mean you can't have lunch with your friends after you get promoted - it means they don't have to be your friends just because you work together. When people behave unreasonably, refuse to indulge them, and you will be respected.
Helpful explanation. Sacrificing respect good relationship, you will get neither one nor the other.
Necessary steps
1. Make a list of people whose respect will help you become more successful.
2. Ask yourself - do they respect you or do they just like you? If you want them to respect you, move on to the next steps.
3. Determine how you should behave with these people so that they begin to respect you more. Remember that behavior must be specific, unambiguous and consistent.
4. Now ask each of them whether the behavior you have chosen will improve the working relationship between you. If not, ask them to suggest an alternative.
5. If they suggest something you can do, agree to it. (If they feel uncomfortable in this situation, give them the right to simply agree to your proposal.) Let them know that you will periodically check in with them about your productivity collaboration– in order to determine whether it works new form behavior or not.
6. Be sure to thank them at the end of the conversation, and again the next day.
7. Don’t even think about taking on this task if you don’t plan to finish it.
All my life I was perceived as a “good” girl. Mainly because I was shy and quiet.
Everyone in the kindergarten said that I was a nice child, and that was all.
Looking back, I now understand how badly the attitude “Everyone must please”, received from childhood, can affect a person’s entire life.
When you try to be good to everyone, you eventually stop being yourself, doing what you want, and start allowing people to hurt you, simply because you can't find the strength to send them away. The desire to be perfectly “good” can ultimately break you.
If you are “nice”, you never criticize anyone and try not to say unpleasant things to people. Your speech consists of nothing but compliments, and when it occurs to someone to ask your own opinion, you answer something like “it doesn’t matter,” or “really, it doesn’t matter,” or “I didn’t mean anything like that.”
To be a truly good friend, colleague, leader, you must share your ideas, and not just listen to others
But the problem is that the more you repeat "never mind" about own feelings, the less important they begin to seem to you. You devalue own opinion.
Recently people close to me pointed out the fact that I never speak my mind and that they perceive this as a lack of trust on my part. They felt that I was so uncomfortable in their company that I could not clearly answer even the simplest questions.
I always tried to be nice to everyone. I never wanted to be the strangest girl in the company, so I attached more importance to other people’s opinions than to my own. But to be real good friend, colleague, leader, you should also share your ideas and not just listen to others.
I found one way that helped me look at friendship, work and even collective hobbies in a new way, I made a list of things that I don’t like and wouldn’t want to do. And the most useful starting point is to learn to voice your own opinions.
Excessive politeness makes “nice” people less honest
Trying to be overly “good”, you are often forced to lie - for example, so as not to offend your interlocutor. Research conducted at the University of Notre Dame in Indiana showed that people who are often forced to tell lies due to some circumstances are more susceptible to illness. Those participants who had to lie less practically stopped complaining of headaches and feeling emotional tension.
"Good" People Seem Passive
If you constantly say only nice things, trying not to hurt anyone's feelings, while forgetting about your own opinion, you will seem boring and passive person. Believe me, if your friends and colleagues wanted to be agreed with all the time, they would talk to the mirror.
It is very important to understand that if people come to you, it means they want to hear what you think.
Too “good” people are equated with obedient ones
People who are less amenable to manipulation and prone to controversy have more solid principles and refuse to harm innocents.
“Good” people praise others undeservedly
It's great to praise people for important achievements, but if you don't consider someone's action as such, praise can be detrimental to your relationship. Not only will you not share your real opinion, but you also risk hurting the person's self-esteem when he realizes that you lied to him.
If you really don't like something but want to be polite, emphasize: “this is just my personal opinion”
In any area where you need leadership skills, it is important to focus on how to be strong leader, and not a “good” person for everyone.
This doesn't mean you should act like a jerk, you just shouldn't treat the emotions of others like a crystal vase.
I found it for myself great way give constructive criticism without seeming like a bitch. The method is called “sandwich” - first I give a sincere compliment related to the situation, then there is criticism, after that again an approving statement or honest praise. If you really don't like something but want to be polite, emphasize "this is just my personal opinion."
“Good” people are often offended
Oddly enough, your attempts to constantly be “good” in the eyes of society can seriously irritate others. In addition, the desire to please everyone is the cause of stress, work overload, and resentment from people who have put the burden of their own affairs on you, which you have not coped with.
It all depends on the context - he strives to win (what is he doing?), not striving to conquer (what to do or do?).
It depends on what question this word answers in a sentence... If “what should I do? ” - then it is written “strive” if “What does it do? ” - that “strives”...
It is written this way and that – the resulting meaning is completely different! For example, read my answer here. Another example: “He doesn’t strive for this.
He can afford not to strive for anything at all.” In the first case - the verb is in the third person, in the second - indefinite form verb.
Shouldn't you strive? (what to do) He doesn’t even strive! (what doesn’t he do?)
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It's impossible to please everyone. And only when you receive wisdom do you understand what happiness it is.
There are, for example, people called sociopaths. Very cute and charming creatures.
Thus, if you like someone like that, it’s hard not to fall under his influence and then not be destroyed.
Therefore, blessed is the day when another psychopath did not like me. 
And there are also people who are looking for a supplement. For example, they really want to save someone. Most often for straightening own self-esteem. Like them very much weak people shifting responsibility to others.
So let the day be blessed that I became strong enough to dislike a professional lifeguard. So I'm strong.
There are still people who are looking for their rescuer. Someone who will take full charge of their lives, take upon himself the torment of choice, the complexity of arranging life, teach, warm, explain.
Therefore, may the day be blessed when I will be imperfect enough for them to deal with my destiny and my life.
May I be freed from people looking for a scapegoat or a whipping girl. Let someone who is looking for another mistress not like me.
What a joy it is to be freed from relationships with all these people.
An important fact about psychotherapy: the more you work on yourself, the fewer people will like you. But you will like yourself. And those with whom you can build a safe and fulfilling relationship. Albaeva Marina Nikolaevna.
In the Bible there are such bitter words addressed to Man: “Oh, that you were cold or hot! But you, neither cold nor hot, you - warm, therefore I will spew you out of my mouth."
Our world is too concerned with how to win “friends.” Moreover, the concept of “friend” has already been devalued to such an extent that it becomes unclear who else would want to chase such a worthless cheap thing as modern “friendship”. After all, you don’t win real friends from Carnegie’s books. True friends, comrades, are made... in battle. No, I in no way deny the usefulness of Carnegie’s ideas and do not urge you to learn the art of making enemies for yourself.
Otherwise, maybe you thought I was completely crazy...
There is a great saying: “I am not a piece of gold for everyone to like.” It’s just a pity that this proverb is most often abused by those who constantly tilt their “ship” into the opposite side- towards making enemies for yourself. So, he did some nasty thing to a person, spread Evil around himself, and immediately in self-justification: “I’m not a golden piece of gold.” Yes, you are not a golden piece, friend, you are the walking Voldemort, and your place is in the Azkaban fortress. And it also happens like this... I suddenly heard good man something bad about yourself bad people and consoles himself with the same. Yes, somehow it doesn’t console me...
Our problem is that we don't have the skill
don't like other people
We are only good at two things:
First: Quietly hating the whole world, suspecting that all people are enemies. AND
Second: To adapt to everyone we meet, suspecting that we ourselves are nothing of ourselves, and therefore must “try very hard to please.”
But those who do not trust people in general, out of principle, will never be able to let a true friend into their life. And those who have no real enemies will never have real allies either.
Imagine this metaphor, an image of the world:
The world is a football field where two teams play.
In fact, the world is, of course, more complex - and not two, but many more teams play in it. But to simplify the example, let’s imagine that there are two teams.
If you want to get into this world (on this football field) as its active player, then you need to decide for whom (and therefore against whom) you will play. Otherwise, you will be kicked out of the field as an outsider interfering with the game process. Like a cat that accidentally wandered into the stadium.
You can, of course, play another role provided for by the rules - the role of an arbitrator. But the only problem is that the arbiter has no allies - he is alone. And besides, a real football referee will go home after the game to his family and friends - he plays the role of a “lone referee” only on the field. And here, if you remember, the football field is a metaphor for the whole of existence. And that means that you, as a “referee,” will have nowhere to go “home, to friends.” Your role as a neutral loner will last the entire time of existence allotted to you. Do you want this, like this, all your life, are you ready for this?
Unfortunately, we can, we want and we are ready. Sociologists claim that Russians (that is, you and me) live in an atomized society. What is an “atomized society”? This is a society of people living in a state “on their own” and considering this state to be normal. We are not team players. IN best case scenario, we are exclusively interested in our family. IN worst case- We and our family are not very interested. We are only interested in ourselves. Why does this happen?
The fact is that, frightened by this life, we stop striving for any goals except one - to please people. But no one needs someone who tries to please everyone.
“Who are you friends against?”
Do you know why teenagers despise the adult world? Because the world of adults is insipid and almost half-dead. Adults are not friends with anyone. They have no one to be friends with... No, adults, of course, meet and drink vodka together, discuss various nonsense... but all this makes the most pathetic impression on children. After all, “adult companies” are not real, this can be seen immediately from the boring eyes of those gathered!
But when adults suddenly light up... for example, with righteous anger, and begin to unite against Evil (as they understand it), then do something specific, then it immediately becomes interesting with them. Isn’t it wonderful to be an adult who for a moment forgot that he was an adult and... punched a scoundrel in the face, crumpling his jacket in the process?... Or put a boor in his place, instead of “intelligently” remaining silent, hiding eyes?... Or he began to actively “home” abandoned kittens (as children love to do!), not being afraid to lose his “adult” reputation. Or: an adult went to a rally... because he’s had enough... The air immediately begins to smell like a thunderstorm, ozone appears, and you can breathe easily. Volunteer squads march through the streets, singing cheerful marching songs...
This is exactly what the most important poet of teenagers, Viktor Tsoi, sang about:
War is a matter for the young,
Anti-wrinkle medicine.
The old ones won’t go to war, they have other things to do. And they are afraid... They have hemorrhoids, arthritis and an interesting evening series.
Why are adults still “better” than children?
Adults in their adult world have civilized ways of fighting Evil for the Truth, developed over centuries. These methods are included in civil institutions regulating problems without violence, carnage and barricades on the city streets. All together this is called - civil society. It allows you to solve pressing problems without leading to a steam boiler explosion.
Adults have all this... But they just don’t have the desire to fight for anything... For children, this desire has not yet disappeared, has not been repulsed. Only children often do not have the civilized tools to engage in struggle. So they solve their problems with the help of massacres, until the big “good people” explain to them that the most correct position in life is the position “my house is on the edge.”
Who are creative achievers?
Creative achievers are precisely those rare adults who have not lost their childish thirst for justice and desire to do something. Who know how to be friends and hate. Who won’t put on a “everyone likes me” smile...
Such adults make laureates Nobel Prizes, big businessmen and politicians, captains and reformers. Such people are confident in their abilities and in their rightness, and therefore they always go ahead. Do they have a lot of these powers? And what is their self-confidence based on? Are they the most beautiful, the smartest, the luckiest? Their confidence is not based on anything! Here's what psychologists say about it:
“Self-confidence should be without cause. She will create a reason for herself and attract the right chance.”
As one humorous poem says, “Let us strike the inferiority complex with delusions of grandeur.”
When you can clearly formulate and say who your enemy is, then like-minded people will soon join you. When you are a servant of two masters, be afraid that sooner or later you will be “caught” and hanged for double espionage.
For, as the great English artist Reynolds said in his sonnet:
Here, Lermontov and his characters are the idols of teenagers (teenagers of better times). Lermontov knew how not to please... And teenagers love him for this. And adults love it.“The blackness in my eyes is much sweeter,
What is the imitation of hyacinth blue.”
But more modern example- Holden Caulfield from Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye. Teens and adults love it too. He generally soaked this up!.. For example:
“I swear to God, if I played the piano and these idiots liked me, I would consider this a personal insult
AWAKENING THE REBEL TEENAGER OR “WAR IS THE MATTER OF THE YOUNG, A MEDICINE AGAINST WRINKLES”
We are adults.
We are no longer “rude” to petty “fool teachers.”
We do not behave “defiantly” in the office of a menacingly roaring head teacher.
We don't ask " awkward questions"to our ancestors (and other adults), who periodically pose as “instructive sages” to us.
We no longer wear “horrifying” items of clothing on our bodies (that is, no, we wear, we wear “horrifying items of clothing” on our bodies, but... in a completely different sense of the word “horrifying item of clothing”).
We do not allow ourselves to have hairstyles and jewelry for which they threaten to expel us from the Komsomol,
We don’t fall madly in love with some “Svetka” or “Vitalik”... Our soul has been at half past five for many years.
We don’t ask what kind of music a person listens to or what books he likes, so that we can immediately quietly understand to ourselves whether he’s a bully or a dude.
We are no longer sure that we will live a better life than our mom and dad.
We have become warm, and the Angel wants to vomit us out of his mouth.
Now we have listed almost everything important points, which a person who has not yet suppressed the free and natural Personality in himself should allow himself. The man is still young.
To revive and revive yourself, you just need to make a program-list of “hooligan things to do” for six months and implement them point by point.
And spontaneous cards from the “1000 Ideas” deck will help us, which will give you your personal ideas for revitalization (after all, we will draw the cards with OUR hand).
8 things you need to do so that they don’t tell you “Woman! Where are you going? There’s no one there anymore!!!”
THING ONE
Where is yet another dull, deceitful and self-serving bribe-taker hiding here - a “fool teacher”, bringing nothing but blizzard, how and for what reason should I “be rude” to her in order to stop this flow of boring blizzard from her lips?
THING TWO
Who is the next one who imagines himself to be a monarch, a “formidable head teacher” and how can I behave “defiantly” in his “domains” so that he understands that I am not afraid of him and despise his threats?
BUSINESS THIRD
How, to whom and about what can I ask “uncomfortable questions”? Who here imagines himself to be a “sage” who can “teach me” and knows better than me “how I should live”?
CASE FOUR
What would be so “horrifying” for me to buy and wear? Just not this terrifying thing that all the “terrifyingly decent people” around me are wearing, trying to portray themselves as economically wealthy, feminine-sexy and mentally sane.
CASE FIFTH
What should I do with my hair and what accessories should I buy to enhance the spitting effect and keep company with “that terrifying thing” from point four?
CASE SIX
So! I urgently need to fall in love with someone! At least platonically. At least unrequitedly. At least for a week! But for real! And let it even be an actor from Indian cinema! Give the patient something. He was almost numb.
CASE SEVEN
What about “culture”? Reading a fascinating book that turns your world upside down and listening to an exciting song?
What am I in Lately read “from books” and listened “from songs”?
So who am I after this: a “cattle guy” or “my dude”?
CASE EIGHT
I am still confident that I will correct the mistakes of my mom and my dad and live my life without making their mistakes and without dealing with their problems - the consequences of these mistakes. How? Everything will be better for me! But how? What should I do and where should I look?..
Buy psychological maps To complete this exercise, you can visit the official online store.
Elena Nazarenko
Publication and introduction by A. Baboreko
"Car interview" by Bunin
Science and Life, No. 6, 1976 OCR Bychkov M.N. On October 26, 1947, I. A. Bunin was supposed to read in literary evening in Paris, your memories. The evening was supposed to be preceded by print advertising. To help one of the organizers, Bunin decided to write this note himself and, when he came to him, handed him the finished text. The note was written in the form of a conversation between the writer and a fictitious correspondent. It was the writer's joke. But how much bitter truth was contained in this joke! How difficult were the military and post-war years in Paris, one can judge at least from his letter to Moscow to his long-time friend, writer N.D. Teleshov, dated March 1, 1947: “The years of war with their cruel deprivations (cave hunger, cold, and even under the damned German yoke) severely broke my health, and now life in France is also not honey, especially this winter with its unprecedented cold, and now my chronic bronchitis worsened in the icy apartment, a hellish cough began to beat me for whole nights, it increased to the point of suffocation, to the onset of asthma, shortness of breath, more or less tolerable food began to cost a lot of money..." ("Historical Archive", 1962, No. 2, p. 164). There is no doubt that I. A. Bunin’s comic “auto-interview” contains real information about the writer’s life.I. A. BUNIN
We found I.A. in his office at his desk, in a dressing gown, glasses, with a pen in hand...-- Bonjour, mattre ( Good afternoon, master!} . A small interview... in connection with your evening on October 26... But it seems we got in the way - are you writing? Excuse me, please... I.A. pretends to be angry: - Master, master! Anatole France himself was angry at this word:"Matter de quoi?" (Master of what?) And when they call me a master, I want to make a bad pun: “I’m already so old and supposedly famous that it’s time to call me a “kilometer.” But to the point. What do you want to talk to me about? - First of all, how are you doing, how is your health, what will you please us with at the evening, what are you writing now?.. - How am I doing? Grief only brightens cancer, says the proverb. Do you know someone's wonderful poems: What self-control Horses of simple rank, Oblivious To the difficulties of existence! But where can I find self-control? I am a horse of not quite an ordinary rank, and most importantly, I am quite old, and therefore the difficulties of existence, which, as you know, many have, and I especially, endure with some disgust and even resentment: due to my age and For how much I worked in the literary field, I could have lived a little better. And for a long time I have not written anything except requests to Mr. Tax Collector to pay them in installments for me. Before, I wrote almost nothing in Paris, I went south to do this, but now where will you go and with what funds? So I’m sitting in this apartment, cramped and, if not in the cold, thenin a rather unpleasant coolness. - May I know what exactly you will be reading at your evening? - I never know for sure until the last minute. Choosing to read on stage is a difficult matter. Even reading something beautiful from the stage, but not “percussive”, you know that after a quarter of an hour they are no longer listening to you, they begin to think about something of their own, look at your shoes under the table... This is not music , although I had it once interesting conversation on this topic with Rachmaninov. I told him: “It’s good for you - music even affects dogs!” And he answered me: “Yes, Vanyusha, most of all for dogs.” So you keep hesitating: what should you read so that you don’t think about your own things and don’t look at your shoes? I’m not a piece of gold to please everyone, as my father said, I’m not ambitious... But I’m proud and conscientious - I don’t like making people bored... So I have one thing in mind for the evening: don’t... make you bored. - Do you, I.A., get very excited when reading at your evenings? After all, everyone on the stage, on the stage, is worried... -- Still would! As a young man, I saw the world-famous Rossi at that time in Hamlet, and during the intermission I received permission to enter his dressing room: he was reclining in a chair with his chest bare, white as a sheet, covered in huge drops of sweat... I saw him also in dressing room, the famous Lensky from the Moscow Maly Theater in exactly the same position as Rossi... I saw Ermolova backstage - I had the honor of performing with her more than once at charity literary evenings: if you knew, what happened to her before leaving! Her hands are shaking, she drinks either valerian or Hoffmain drops, constantly crosses herself... By the way, she read very poorly - like almost all actors and actresses...-- How! Ermolova! -- Yes Yes! Ermolova. As for me, imagine that I am an exception: I am calm both behind the scenes and on the stage. “If you don’t like it, don’t listen!” In my youth I blushed on stage and muttered-- most of all from the thought that absolutely no one needs my reading - and even from some kind of anger towards the public. When I was very young, I once took part in a literary and musical evening in a huge hall in St. Petersburg, and you know, with whom? You won’t believe it! With Masini himself, who, although he was far from young, was still in great glory and sang Neapolitan songs wonderfully! And so I flew onto the stage after him - do you understand what this is: after him? - I ran up to the very edge of the stage, looked - and completely froze: a broad-shouldered Vit-te himself was sitting a step away from me, with a wide, broken nose, looking at me like a crocodile! I muttered as if in delirium, broke out in a hot and cold sweat - and like an arrow back, behind the scenes... And now I, perhaps, would not have been embarrassed even under the gaze of... well, figure out for yourself, under whose gaze. ..I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.
Bill Cosby
Many of us strive to please everyone. Today we will talk about why nothing good will come of this.
This is impossible
It is impossible to please absolutely everyone. You can, of course, try, but your attempt will fail miserably.
Remember the good old expression “How many people, so many opinions”? Even if someone considers you the most wonderful person In the world, there will always be someone who will think completely differently.
So it is impossible and absolutely unnecessary to try to please everyone. IN otherwise you can be like Molchalin from “Woe from Wit,” whose famous line many of us remember from school:
My father bequeathed to me: firstly, to please all people without exception - the owner where I happen to live, the boss with whom I will serve, his servant who cleans the dresses, the doorman, the janitor, to avoid evil, the janitor’s dog, so that it is affectionate.
The opinions of others are just opinions, not the ultimate truth.
If you strive to please everyone, you begin to take to heart everything that other people say about you. Even the smallest comment another person makes to you can ruin your mood for the whole day.
Remember that you shouldn't always take what other people say seriously. As someone once said: “A compliment can be said out of pity, but a nasty thing can be said out of envy.”
In any case, all opinions are subjective. By adapting to those around you, you will live not your own life, but someone else’s life.
Not all opinions are important to you
Why do you think all these people are so important to you? Why do you care what people, by and large, completely strangers to you, think about you?
Many of those around you, whose opinions you so extol, will never lend you a helping hand when you are in trouble. Well, some of them won't pick up the phone when you just need someone to talk to. So should their opinions be considered so important?
Listen to the opinions and comments of loved ones - those who really care about you. But the advice of all other comrades, who are nothing to you, just as you are to them, move into the background.
It won't make you happy
Many people attach too much great importance assessments of others. Relax, because even if most of your friends idolize you, it still won't make you happy.
Happiness in inner confidence in yourself and in your abilities, and not in the opinions of others.
People just love to criticize and judge others.
This is one of my favorites human activities. No matter how good and wonderful you think you are, there will still be people who will criticize you for your appearance, your behavior or your views. It is impossible to be perfect in everything, and those around you are happy to cling to any of your shortcomings, mistakes or mistakes.
And no, people won't necessarily do this out of hatred or dislike for you, it's just that many people really enjoy criticizing others.
Nobody knows you better than yourself. So don't worry about the subjective assessments of others.
You have more important things to do
You have work, hobbies, loved ones and a lot of your own things that need to be done. So why waste time thinking about how to be good to everyone? More important and interesting things await you.
You might lose yourself
Listening to the opinions of others, trying to please everyone and not disappoint anyone, you can lose your self.
People will always try to impose something of their own on you. A dad who wants you to become a doctor like himself. The mother who persuades you to enroll Faculty of Law, because he believes that lawyer is a profitable and promising profession. Friends who are going to become great actors and invite you to theater university for company.
First of all, you can't go out of your way to please everyone. In any case, someone will have to refuse. And secondly, always ask yourself: “What do I want?” Do as you see fit, even if you make a mistake, you will make YOUR mistake.
You don't owe anyone anything
You did not come into this world to live up to my expectations. Just like I didn’t come here to justify yours.
Frederick Perls
You don't have to try to please everyone, and you shouldn't worry at all that someone out there doesn't like you.
Live your life.
What do you think about this?