First, understand and accept one thing: even though you have known each other for a long time and you know the person inside out, now this does not mean at all that his behavior will meet your expectations. "There are some general stages experiences of grief. You may well be guided by them, remembering, of course, that each of us still needs individual approach“, explains psychologist Marianna Volkova.
Our experts:
Anna Shishkovskaya
Psychologist at the Gestalt Center Nina Rubshtein
Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology
How to support someone if they are in shock
Stage No. 1: usually the person is completely shocked, confused and simply cannot believe the reality of what is happening.
What should I say. If you are really close friends, it is best for you to be close without relying on the phone, Skype or SMS. For some people it is very important tactile contact, the opportunity to see the interlocutor in front of you live. “At this time, conversations and attempts to express condolences are not necessary,” Marianna Volkova is sure. - None. Therefore, if your friend asks you to stay close and refuses to communicate, do not try to get him to talk. Contrary to your expectations, things will not get easier for him. It’s worth talking about what happened only when your loved one is ready for it. In the meantime, you can hug, sit next to, hold hands, stroke the head, bring tea with lemon. All conversations are strictly on business or on abstract topics.”
What to do. A loss loved one, sudden terrible diseases and other blows of fate require not only reflection, but also a lot of worries. Don’t think that providing this kind of help is easy. It requires a lot of emotional investment and is very exhausting. How to support a person in such a situation? First, ask how you can help. A lot depends on what state your friend is in. You may have to take on organizational issues: calling, finding out, negotiating. Or give the unfortunate person a sedative. Or wait with him in the doctor’s waiting room. But, as a rule, it is enough to at least deal with everyday issues: clean up, wash the dishes, cook food.
How to support a person if he is acutely worried
Stage No. 2: accompanied by acute feelings, resentment, misunderstanding and even aggression.
What to do. It is clear that communication at this moment is difficult. But right now, a friend needs attention and support. Try to come more often, to be in touch if he is left alone. You can invite him to visit for a while. It is important to clearly understand whether you are mentally ready for this.
Words of condolences
“Most people, when expressing condolences, use common phrases that do not carry any meaning. Actually, this is a manifestation of politeness and nothing more. But when we're talking about about a loved one, you need something more than a formality. Of course, there is no template that fits every situation. But there are things that definitely shouldn’t be said,” says Marianna Volkova.
- If you don’t know what to say, be silent. Better hug once again, show that you are nearby and ready to help at any moment.
- Avoid expressions like “everything will be fine,” “everything will pass,” and “life goes on.” You seem to promise good things, but only in the future, not now. This kind of talk is annoying.
- Try not to ask unnecessary questions. The only appropriate one in this situation is: “How can I help?” Everything else will wait.
- Never utter words that could devalue the importance of what happened. “And some people can’t walk at all!” - this is not a consolation, but a mockery for a person who has lost, say, an arm.
- If your goal is to provide moral support to a friend, first of all you yourself must be stoic. Sobbing, lamenting and talking about the injustice of life is unlikely to calm you down.
How to support someone if they are depressed
Stage No. 3: at this time the person becomes aware of what happened. Expect your friend to be depressed and depressive state. But there is also good news: he begins to understand that he needs to somehow move on.
What should I say. We are all different, so the best thing you can do is ask what exactly your loved one expects from you.
- Some people need to talk about what happened."There are people who difficult situation It is vital to speak out loud your emotions, fears and experiences. A friend doesn’t need condolences; your job is to listen. You can cry or laugh with him, but you shouldn’t give advice or put in your two cents in every possible way,” advises Marianna Volkova.
- Some people need a distraction to cope with grief. You are required to talk about extraneous topics, to involve a person in resolving some issues. Invent urgent things that require full concentration and constant employment. Do everything so that your friend has no time to think about what he is trying to escape from.
- There are people who are in difficult life situations They prefer loneliness - this makes it easier for them to cope with their emotions. If a friend tells you that they don't want any contact yet, the worst thing you can do is try to get under their skin with the best of intentions. Simply put, to forcefully “do good.” Leave the person alone, but be sure to make it clear that you are nearby and ready to provide all possible help at any time.
What to do.
- In the first case, help of a domestic nature is often required, especially if your loved one is not one of those who easily negotiate, communicate and can easily choose the best of several proposed options.
- You must help your friend move a little away from what happened. If you are connected by work issues, you can carry out distracting maneuvers in this direction. A good option- playing sports. The main thing is not to torture yourself and his grueling workouts, but choose what you like. You can go to the pool, court or yoga together. The goal is to try to have fun.
- In the third case, you only need what is asked of you. Don't insist on anything. Invite them to “go out and unwind” (what if they agree?), but always leave the choice up to the person and don’t be intrusive.
How to support someone when they have already experienced grief
Stage No. 4: This is a period of adaptation. One might say – rehabilitation.
What should I say. It is at this time that a person re-establishes contacts, communication with others gradually takes on its usual form. Now a friend may need parties, travel and other attributes of life without mourning.
What to do. “If your friend is quite ready to communicate, there is no need to try to somehow behave “correctly” in his company. You should not try to forcefully cheer up, shake and bring to your senses. At the same time, you cannot avoid direct glances or sit with a sour face. The more familiar you establish the atmosphere, the easier it will be for a person,” Marianna Volkova is sure.
Visit to a psychologist
No matter what stage a person is in, friends sometimes try to provide help that is not needed. For example, forcefully send you to a psychologist. Here you will have to be especially careful, because sometimes it is necessary, and sometimes it is completely unnecessary.
“Experience of trouble, sadness - natural process, which, as a rule, does not need professional help, says psychologist Anna Shishkovskaya. – There is even a term “grief work”, the healing effect of which is possible provided that a person allows himself to go through all stages. However, this is precisely what becomes a problem for many: allowing oneself to feel, to face experiences. If we try to “run away” from strong, unpleasant emotions, to ignore them, the “work of grief” is disrupted, and “stuck” may occur at any stage. That’s when the help of a psychologist is really needed.”
Cons of support
The tragedy they experience sometimes gives people a reason to manipulate others. We are, of course, not talking about the first, the most difficult period. But they may demand from you permanent presence for a long time. Yours personal life, work, desires will not be taken into account. Let's say you invited a friend to stay with you for a while - a fairly common practice. But all the agreed upon dates have long passed, and the person continues to visit. You are silent, because it is impolite to talk about inconveniences, but the natural result will be a damaged relationship.
The financial issue is no less important. Happens, time is running, everything that was needed has been done, and the need for investment never goes away. And you, by inertia, continue to give money, afraid to refuse. " I noticed that you are starting to sacrifice yourself and your interests, which means there is a reason to talk and clarify the situation,” recalls Anna Shishkovskaya. – Otherwise, the accumulated resentment and indignation will one day provoke a serious conflict with mutual claims. It would be good not to lead to a scandal, but to define the boundaries in time.”
Personal dramas are just one of those very troubles that friends find themselves in. And your behavior during this period will certainly affect your relationship in one way or another. Therefore, you should rush to help only if you sincerely want it.
In life we often face various obstacles. This could be job loss, illness, death of a family member, financial troubles. At such a moment, it is difficult for a person to find the strength within himself and move on. He so needs support at this moment, a friendly shoulder, kind words. How to choose the right words of support that can really help a person in Hard time?
Expressions that should not be used
There are a number of common phrases that first come to mind when you need to support someone. It's better not to say these words:
- Don't worry!
- Everything will work out! Everything will be fine!
At a time when the world has collapsed, this sounds like a mockery. The man is faced with the fact that he does not know how to solve his problem. He needs to think about how to fix everything. He is not sure that the situation will turn out in his favor and he will be able to stay afloat. So, how will the empty statement that everything will work out help? Such words sound even more blasphemous if your friend has lost loved one.
- Do not Cry!
Tears are the body's natural way of coping with stress. You need to let the person cry, speak out, and give free rein to their emotions. He will feel better. Just hug and be close.
- There is no need to give examples of people who are even worse off
A person who has lost his job and has nothing to feed his family does not care at all that children are starving somewhere in Africa. Anyone who has just learned of a serious diagnosis is not very interested in cancer mortality statistics. You should also not give examples that relate to mutual friends.
When trying to support a loved one, remember that this moment he is morally depressed by his problem. You need to carefully select your expressions so as not to accidentally offend or touch on a sore subject. Let's figure out how to support a person.
Words that will help you survive the turning point
When our loved ones find themselves in difficult situations, we are lost and often do not know how to behave. But what was said in right moment words can inspire, console, restore faith in yourself. The following phrases will help you feel your support:
- We will get through this together.
In difficult times, it is important to know that you are not alone. Let your loved one feel that you are not indifferent to his grief and that you are ready to share all the difficulties with him.
- I understand how you feel.
When you are in trouble, it is important to be heard. It's good to have someone nearby who understands you. If you have found yourself in a similar situation, tell us about it. Share your thoughts and emotions at that moment. But there is no need to tell how you heroically dealt with the situation. Just let them know that you have been in your friend’s shoes. But you got through it and he will get through it too.
- Time will pass and it will become easier.
Indeed, this is a fact. We no longer even remember many of the troubles in life that happened to us a year or two ago. All troubles remain in the past. Sooner or later we find a replacement for a betrayed friend or unhappy love. Financial problems are also gradually being resolved. Can be found new job, pay off a loan, cure a disease or alleviate its symptoms. Even sadness from the death of a loved one passes over time. It is important to survive the moment of shock and move on.
- You've been in worse situations. And nothing, you did it!
Surely your friend has already faced obstacles in life and found a way out of them. Remind him that he is strong courageous man and is able to solve any problem. Cheer him up. Show him that he can survive this difficult moment with dignity.
- It's not your fault what happened.
The feeling of guilt for what happened is the first thing that prevents you from looking at the situation soberly. Let your loved one know that this is how the circumstances developed and anyone else could have been in his place. There is no point in looking for those responsible for the trouble; you need to try to solve the problem.
- Is there anything I can do for you?
Perhaps your friend needs help, but doesn't know who to turn to. Or he doesn't feel comfortable saying it. Take the initiative.
- Tell him that you admire his endurance and fortitude.
When a person is morally depressed by difficult circumstances, such words inspire. They are able to restore a person’s faith in their own strength.
- Don't worry, I'll be there right away!
These are the most important words that each of us wants to hear crucial moment. Everyone needs someone close and understanding nearby. Don't leave your loved one alone!
Help your friend approach the situation with humor. Every drama has a little comedy. Defuse the situation. Laugh together at the girl who dumped him, or at the pompous director who fired him from his job. This will allow you to look at the situation in a more optimistic light. After all, everything can be solved and corrected while we are alive.
The best support is to be there
The main thing we say is not with words, but with our actions. A sincere hug, a timely handkerchief or napkin, or a glass of water can say more than you think.
Transfer some of the household issues to yourself. Provide all possible assistance. After all, at the moment of shock, a person is not even able to cook dinner, go to the store for groceries, pick up children from kindergarten. If your friend has lost a family member, help with funeral arrangements. Make the necessary arrangements and just be there.
Gently shift the person's attention to something mundane that is not related to their grief. Keep him busy with something. Invite to the cinema, order pizza. Find a reason to get outside and take a walk.
Sometimes silence is better than any, even the most sincere words. Listen to your friend, let him speak out, express his emotions. Let him talk about his pain, about how confused and depressed he is. Don't interrupt him. Let him say his problem out loud as many times as necessary. This will help you look at the situation from the outside and see solutions. And you just be close to your loved one in a difficult moment for him.
Olga, St. Petersburg
Words of support are not just sympathy, thanks to them you express your involvement in the problems, troubles and grief of another person. Of course, there are no standard phrases that will be correct in certain situation, suitable for a man or a woman, a grandmother or young man. It is very important that the words come from the heart, are permeated with your feelings, but also forget about some human factors It's also not worth it.
For example, be prepared that a person who is worried about something may react differently to your words than usual, be more hot-tempered, not make compromises, etc. In addition, words that will calm nervous system women may not be correctly perceived by a man and vice versa. Therefore, it is necessary to observe not only tolerance, correctness and subordination, but also take into account the peculiarities of the given situation.
Your significant other should always feel your support, because you are a support for her in a difficult situation, a vest in grief and a person with whom they share happiness. You definitely need to say again about your feelings, repeat that there are two of you, and it’s easier to overcome any difficulties together.
Be sure to express your feelings:
- "It hurts me to see you upset"
- "I'm just as worried as you are."
This formulation brings you closer, makes the conversation more frank and creates a trusting atmosphere. And if you can't find the right words or you see that words are unnecessary now - just stay nearby. Sometimes no words can replace the presence of a loved one.
Words to a man in difficult times
Men react much more sharply to life's troubles, believing that responsibility for everything lies with them, because they are taught this way from childhood. But in fact, there are situations when the man is not to blame for what happened, but he still reproaches himself. In this case, you need to as gently as possible, not persistently and not aggressively (after all, we remember that upset people are prone to unexpected reactions to any of our words), convince the man that he does not need to blame himself.
Suitable phrases:
- "It's your fault in this case No",
- “This is a confluence of circumstances independent of you,” etc.
It is important to help a man stop beating himself up and start looking for a solution to the problem.
Never express your sympathy through the adjectives “poor”, “unfortunate”, do not say that you feel so sorry for him. On the contrary, you need to encourage him with phrases about how strong he is in spirit, that he vital energy enough to cope with more difficult tasks. If you say that a man is very smart and will find a way out of this situation, then his ambitions simply will not allow him to sit in one place with a sad expression on his face. To confirm your words, the man will begin to act.
Support for a woman in your own words
On the contrary, a woman needs to be calmed down first, perhaps later she won’t have to search for solutions to problems, everything can go away with hysterics. Finding words of support is very important in such a situation. For example, if the reason for her bad mood is a breakup with a man, then compliment her on her attractive appearance, say that she is a good housewife and is still quite young.
It’s good if the situation allows you to distract yourself and get busy extraneous matters, a walk, entertainment, cooking new dishes - all this can distract a woman from sad thoughts.
Words to a girl in difficult times
Young girls in stressful situations They can do extremely rash things. Therefore, it is important not only to calm them down and distract them from the problem, but also to isolate them as much as possible from important matters and tasks. Try to immerse the young lady in a sea of positive emotions, avoid standard phrases: “Everything will be fine”, “Everything will pass”, “I sympathize”, etc. They will only make the situation worse.
Be sure to try to talk to the girl about how she feels, to help release all of her negative emotions, and then set it to positive mood or help find a way out of a difficult problem for her.
To a friend who found herself in a difficult situation
Who, if not her best friend, will a girl turn to in a difficult situation? Of course, initially you need to listen to your friend, especially if you see that the person wants to speak out. Statement of the problem lightens the soul and helps to look at the problem from the outside. Words of consolation and advice are what the girl will clearly want to hear in response, so do not hesitate to express your constructive thought, just remember that in this situation you need to present your position gently and not persistently.
SMS to a person in difficult times
If you suddenly find out about the problem of a loved one you just know, but it is not possible to be with him, then you can always send short message with words of support. There is no need for long epithets about your sympathy.
Sometimes it’s enough just to write an SMS:
- “I know what happened. You can always count on my help."
These two sentences are quite short, but their meaning will be clear immediately. Don't expect an immediate answer; perhaps the person needs certain time in order to decide to ask you for support or just talk about your problem. But when your loved one knows that you are ready to share the burden of the situation with him, the world will immediately seem a little brighter to him.
Words of support in prose
Even if you send a message of encouragement to social network or by phone, let them be better in prose. This way, you will express your words sincerely and clearly. IN otherwise the recipient may get the impression that instead of calling or a personal visit, you searched for a poem on the Internet, and then simply copied it and sent it. This will ruin the impression of even the most sincere empathy.
Be close to your loved one during his joy and share the burden of troubles with him. After all, together you are stronger! And find for him exactly those words that convey your real feelings.
Sometimes supporting a person in difficult times means saving his life. Both close and unfamiliar people may find themselves in a difficult situation. Absolutely anyone can provide help and support - moral, physical or material. To do this, you need to know which phrases and actions are the most significant. Timely assistance and sincere words will help a person return to their previous lifestyle and survive what happened.
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How to deal with anxiety
All will pass
You need to convince the person that you need to wait a little, and it will become much easier. The knowledge that everything will be fine will create an atmosphere of security and peace.
Guilt
In difficult times, it is common for a person to blame himself for all troubles. He tries to shift responsibility for actions to which he has nothing to do. In this case, the task of close people is to dissuade the person from this. Try to refute all possible positive outcomes of the situation. If there is still a person’s fault in what happened, you need to try to make amends for it. It is recommended to find words that will help convince a person to ask for forgiveness, which is necessary for his own good.
Solution
A direct question about how you can help a person in this situation will be very effective. You can offer your own solutions without waiting for his request. Sincere interest and taking action will make you feel supported by others.
Under no circumstances should you use the phrases: “forget”, “don’t worry”, “don’t cry”, “it’s even better”. Attempts to “bring him to his senses” with the help of shouting, accusations and sudden movements will lead nowhere. Such “help” can lead to aggravation of the situation.
How to support the man you love
Representatives of the stronger sex try to restrain their emotions, so most often they withdraw into themselves. This makes the experience even stronger, and mental wound brings not only psychological experiences, but also physical pain. The girl at this moment should be as attentive and caring as possible, but in no case intrusive.
If your husband has problems at work, which are accompanied by material losses, it is necessary to say the most important words for a man: “Money cannot affect our relationship in any way. I will always be there." This should be said as calmly as possible, with a smile and tenderness. Excessive emotionality or nervousness will confirm a man’s fears that the relationship is purely mercantile in nature.
If the problems are related to relationships in the work team or relatives, an assurance that the girl is on the guy’s side would be appropriate. He has no need to reproach himself and feel guilty. The woman he loves completely shares his point of view and will do everything necessary to resolve the situation successfully. It doesn’t hurt to tell the man that he is strong and will definitely cope with problems. Feeling self-esteem will not allow him not to live up to the hopes placed on him. SMS with words of love or poetry during the working day will cheer him up. An example of such a message:
Words of support for the woman you love
To help the woman you love, you should start with affection and tenderness, the essence of the problem does not matter. First of all, you need to hug, kiss and calm her down. The most necessary words at this moment will be: “Calm down, I’m here and I love you. Trust me". Then you can continue hugging, drink tea and wait for complete calm. Only after this is it recommended to calmly understand the situation, making sure to take the side of the woman you love.
Help should be provided, both moral and physical. You may have to talk to the offenders, sort things out, and take some action. In a word - shift some of the work onto yourself. Feeling a strong male shoulder and real help, any girl will calm down, no matter how difficult the situation may be. A small gift, a trip to a restaurant or theater will quickly return her to her former life. Phone calls during the day, SMS in the form of words of love and support in prose or poetry will be very appropriate. An example of such a message:
How to comfort a sick person
Support for a sick person can be provided in the form of words and actions. But this is not always possible, since people may be at a distance from each other.
Good words
The most valuable way to help a suffering person is through words of encouragement. To calm the patient, you can:
- Speak words about love. They must be repeated sincerely, with genuine participation. By voicing the phrase: “I love you very much and will always be there,” you can calm the person and create an atmosphere of security.
- To compliment. Sick people are very vulnerable, so they listen to every word and gesture of those around them. Notes on the most minor changes in appearance in better side will sound like compliments. Even if these changes do not exist, it is recommended to mention their presence. A sick person is unable to perceive reality objectively. In the case of oncology, this will give the sufferer hope for a miracle; in the case of a severe non-fatal illness, it will speed up recovery.
- Praise. A sick person should be praised for every little thing, even for eating a spoon or a sip of water. Positive attitude will contribute to a speedy recovery or relief of the patient’s condition.
- Maintain at a distance. It would be appropriate phone call or conversation on Skype. It is very important for the patient to hear native voice, see a familiar face. Further actions will be constant SMS, written poems, sent pictures and all those things that the patient likes. But the most significant phrase will be: “I’m already on my way.”
- Talk about abstract topics. It is worth moving away from boring topics and giving preference to light and cheerful ones. We must try to remember interesting story, joke, tell funny news. You can try to discuss neutral topics: a book you read, a movie, a recipe - anything that interests the patient at least a little.
Forbidden words
Some phrases can harm a sick person. You should not talk about the following topics:
- Disease. You should not discuss symptoms, look for their confirmation, or give similar examples from the lives of people you know. The only exceptions can be happy occasions successful healing.
- Friends' reaction. A sick person does not necessarily need to know what reaction his illness has caused in others. If anyone is moved by this, let him visit him personally (do not notify him in advance, since the visit may be disrupted and the patient will be disappointed). A smart solution would be to simply say hi and share news about someone you know.
- Personal impression. There is absolutely no need to tell what reaction the illness caused in the helping person or nearby relatives. Trying to demonstrate your compassion, you can upset the patient even more, since he has become the culprit of the worries and continues to torment his loved ones with his situation.
- Distance. If terrible news about a loved one’s illness has reached you far from them, the best solution would be to immediately hit the road. It is necessary to inform about this. Resolution of issues, negotiations with superiors regarding departure and other problems should remain secret. The patient should not know about matters that may be more important than him. If it is not possible to come, then you can refer to the lack of tickets, bad weather and other factors. Here a lie will be to your salvation, since waiting can prolong the patient’s life.
- A pity. If the disease is fatal, the pity of loved ones will constantly remind you of this, causing Bad mood and deterioration of health. If the disease is not so serious, then there is a risk of its complications, since the patient will think that something is not being told to him. Sometimes the patient may have a reluctance to recover, since constant pity causes addiction and even feigning.
Helpful Actions
Correct actions towards the patient contribute to recovery or can alleviate the course of the disease:
- Care. Some patients require constant care because they cannot do anything on their own. But even if a person does not need intensive care, attention and care will only benefit him. It would be appropriate to simply offer to lie down and make tea. Good help would be cleaning the apartment or preparing dinner. The main thing is to correctly assess the situation and help only if necessary. You should not forcibly remove the patient from his usual duties by persistently sending him to rest. Sometimes it's enough just to be there and allow you to take care of yourself. This will allow the sick person to forget about his illness for a while and feel needed.
- Abstraction. It is useful to distract the patient from medical procedures and conversations about pills. If a person has the opportunity to move, it is necessary to persuade him to take a walk fresh air. You can visit some events, exhibitions, museums, creative evenings etc. A changed appearance should not be a hindrance, main task will convince the patient that now positive emotions much more important than perception those around you.
Condolences after the passing of a loved one
The irreparable loss of loved ones causes severe suffering, with which a person without outside help can't cope. In order to provide the necessary support in a timely manner, it is recommended that you familiarize yourself with the main phases emotional state in this situation:
- Shock. May last from a few minutes to several weeks. The inability to perceive reality is accompanied by a lack of control over emotions. Attacks may be accompanied by a violent manifestation of grief or complete inaction with stony calm and detachment. The person does not eat anything, does not sleep, does not talk and hardly moves. At this moment he needs psychological assistance. A reasonable decision would be to leave him alone, not to impose your care, not to try to force feed or drink, or start a conversation with him. You just need to be there, hug, take your hand. It is important to closely monitor the reaction. Do not start conversations on the topic: “if only we had known earlier, we had time, etc.” It is no longer possible to return anything, so you should not provoke feelings of guilt. There is no need to talk about the deceased in the present tense, to remember his torment. It is not recommended to make plans for the future: “everything is ahead, you will still have time, you will find more, life goes on...”. It would be much better to help with organizing the funeral, cleaning, and cooking.
- Experience. This period ends after two months. At this time, the person is a little slow, has poor orientation, almost cannot concentrate, from every extra words or gesture may make you cry. The feeling of a lump in the throat and sad memories prevent you from falling asleep, and there is no appetite. Memories of the deceased cause feelings of guilt, idealization of the image of the deceased or aggression towards him. During this period you can support a person kind words about the deceased. This behavior will confirm positive attitude to the departed person and will become the basis for a common feeling about his death. There is no need to give examples of other people who have experienced greater sorrow. This will be perceived as tactless and disrespectful. Walking, simple activities, and a simple release of emotions in the form of joint tears will be very effective. If a person wants to be alone, do not disturb him. At the same time, you need to constantly be in touch, call or write messages.
- Awareness. This phase tends to end a year after the loss. A person may still suffer, but he already realizes the irreversibility of the situation. He gradually enters his usual routine, and it becomes possible to concentrate on work issues or everyday problems. The attacks are unbearable heartache visit less and less. During this period, he had almost returned to normal life, but the bitterness of loss was still present. Therefore, it is necessary to unobtrusively introduce him to new types of activities and recreation. This needs to be done as tactfully as possible. You should control your words and be understanding of possible deviations from his usual behavior.
- Recovery. A person fully recovers a year and a half after the loss. Acute pain is replaced by quiet sadness. Memories are not always accompanied by tears; it becomes possible to control emotions. A person tries to take care of loved ones who are living today, but he still needs the help of a true friend.
If the described phases are delayed in time or do not take place, it is necessary to urgently seek help from specialists. This condition is dangerous and can lead to serious illnesses.
How to avoid becoming a victim
Sincere help has its own nuances. You need to help, but within reasonable limits:
- You need to help only if there is a sincere desire.
- In case of severe grief, you need to objectively assess your strength. If there are not enough of them, you should involve friends or specialists.
- Reserve your right to personal space, do not become a hostage to the situation.
- Do not allow yourself to be manipulated at the slightest refusal to fulfill a request.
- Do not sacrifice your interests, work, family happiness for the sake of appeasing a friend.
- When moral or material aid is taking too long, you need to tactfully talk to the person, explain that everything possible has already been done to overcome the difficult situation.
Timely assistance and a feeling of sincere compassion will help return a person to his former life.
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Helping people in difficult situations
There are many situations in a person’s life that require psychological, moral and even physical assistance. In this case, the presence of people is necessary - relatives, friends, acquaintances or just strangers. The degree of emotional closeness and duration of acquaintance does not matter.
To support a person, it is not necessary to have special education, a sincere desire to help and a sense of tact are enough. After all, correctly chosen and sincere words can change a person’s attitude towards the current situation.
How to learn to trust a man
Shared experience
How to cheer up a guy
Understanding
A person in trouble should know that he is understood. It is very important to have a like-minded person nearby during this period. If the situation is related to the loss of a loved one or a job, memories of personal example will be the most effective medicine. It is recommended to tell how difficult it was during this period and how successfully everything ended in the end. But you shouldn’t focus on your heroism and quick solution problems. You just need to say that everyone has such problems, and a friend will definitely cope with them too.
Tim Lawrence, a psychotherapist and journalist, wrote an article in which he talks about how you can really help a person experiencing grief. He warns that you need to be more careful with common phrases that are usually uttered for support - they can hurt even more.
We are publishing an article by Tim, who himself experienced the loss of loved ones at a young age and knows what we really need in difficult times.
I listen to a psychotherapist friend of mine talk about his patient. A woman was in a terrible accident, she is in constant pain and her limbs are paralyzed. I've heard this story ten times already, but one thing always shocks me. He told the poor woman that the tragedy had led to positive changes in her life.
“Everything in life happens for a reason,” these are his words. It amazes me how deeply ingrained this platitude is, even among psychotherapists. These words hurt and hurt cruelly. He wants to say that the incident forces the woman to grow spiritually. And I think this is complete nonsense. The accident broke her life and destroyed her dreams - that's what happened and there is absolutely nothing good about it.
Most importantly, this mindset prevents us from doing the only thing we should do when we are in trouble: grieve. My teacher Megan Devine says it well: “Some things in life cannot be fixed. This can only be experienced".
We grieve not only when someone close to us dies. We indulge in sadness when loved ones pass away, when hopes are dashed, when a serious illness strikes. The loss of a child and the betrayal of a loved one cannot be corrected - it can only be experienced.
If you are in trouble and someone tells you the following well-worn phrases: “everything that doesn’t happen is for the best”, “this will make you better and stronger”, “it was predestined”, “nothing happens for nothing”, “you need to take responsibility for your life”, “everything will be fine” - you can safely cross this person out of your life.
When we tell our friends and family similar words, even with the best intentions, we deny them the right to mourn, mourn and be sad. I experienced it myself huge loss, and I am haunted every day by the guilt that I still live, but my loved ones no longer exist. My pain hasn't gone away, I've just learned to channel it the right direction, working with patients, and better understand them.
But under no circumstances would it have occurred to me to say that this tragedy was a gift of fate that helped me grow spiritually and professionally. To say this is to trample on the memory of loved ones whom I lost too early, and those who faced a similar misfortune, but could not cope with it. And I'm not going to pretend that it was easy for me because I'm strong, or that I became "successful" because I was able to "take charge of my life."
Modern culture treats grief as a problem to be fixed, or as a disease to be cured. We do everything to drown out, repress our pain or somehow transform it. And when you suddenly face misfortune, the people around you turn into walking platitudes.
So what should you say to friends and family who are in trouble, instead of “everything in life is not accidental”? The last thing a person crushed by misfortune needs is advice or guidance. The most important thing- understanding.
Literally say the following: “I know you’re hurting. I am here with you".
This means that you are willing to be there and suffer with your loved one - and this is incredibly powerful support.
There is nothing more important for people than understanding. It does not require any special skills or training, it is simply a willingness to be nearby and stay nearby as long as necessary.
Stay close. Just be there, even when you feel uncomfortable or feel like you're not doing anything useful. In fact, it is precisely when you are uncomfortable that you should make an effort to stay close.
“I know you're hurting. I'm near".
We so rarely allow ourselves to enter this gray zone - the zone of horror and pain - but this is where the roots of our healing lie. It begins when there are people who are ready to go there with us.
I ask you to do this for your loved ones. You may never know it, but your help will be invaluable. And if you ever get into trouble, find someone willing to be there for you. I guarantee he will be found.
Everyone else can go.