If you are reminded of school only by notifications coming from the Odnoklassniki website, you are lucky. If they remind you of school parent meetings, where they collect money to repair the peeling labor teacher, you are the father. So, dad, read, full of advice on overcoming the 7 most common difficulties that any student may encounter. We will supply you with them all week.
The epoch-making day has come when your child goes to school. You breathed a sigh of relief: finally you will have time to finish writing a novel, finishing a symphony and completing a model. Eiffel Tower from meatballs. But then it turns out that you relaxed too early. It turns out that the classroom desk is not the most peaceful place and unforeseen difficulties have appeared in the life of your heir. As a caring father, you simply do not have the right to remain on the sidelines. Otherwise, who, besides you, will make every effort to ensure that the child’s mother takes up the solution to these suddenly arising problems? Raise your pedagogical competence we asked our permanent consultant - Leading psychologist of the family center “We”, Ph.D. Tatyana Sviridova.
Don't be offended, but first Tatyana asked to clarify: did your child have friends in kindergarten or in the yard? Were? Very well! This is the main thing. So, with skills social behavior Is he Ok. Therefore, let's consider external reasons lack of school friends.
"In younger children school age, from 1st to 3rd grade, friends are formed according to a situational principle. You live in the same house with me, you walk from school the same way, your parents know each other - any of these reasons is enough to call you my friend,” Tatyana explains the habits of the young people.
Analyze specific circumstances. Perhaps, in order to normalize the situation, you and your mother simply need to pick up your child from school a little later than usual, thereby giving him the opportunity to hang out with classmates after school. Or the application of your strength should be more targeted: for example, you can stop more often to chat with one of the parents, letting the kids, willy-nilly, get to know each other better while the adults are busy talking. As a last resort (and at the same time the most effective) case, a child’s birthday or any contrived holiday to which classmates will be invited is perfect for unity. IN early age such invitations from a semi-familiar peer are perceived absolutely naturally. Pay attention to the following: the teacher has a strong influence on the formation of opinions in children of primary school age. (For example, if a teacher smokes Dunhill, the whole class will also smoke only this brand.) Ask your child how their teacher builds relationships with children. It is possible that he divides the class into “lagging behind” and “progressing” (or on some other segregation basis), and your child falls into the category of outcasts with whom “good” children should not be friends. Your next steps: have a serious conversation with the teacher, like a man with a teacher. She will then be required to publicly announce to the children that your child is good and that you can and should be friends with him.
Now let's fast forward to the 5th and 6th grades. This age is fraught with so-called mobbing. This is a situation where children rally and “befriend” against one person. The fault here always lies with the class, not with the pariah child. No matter what the victim does, she cannot regain her authority. A weakling will remain a target for ridicule, even if he can do pull-ups on the horizontal bar larger number times than his classmates, they will continue to laugh at the excellent student, even if he deliberately smokes and grabs steam. Mobbing is typical for schools, where adults do not pester students for anything other than lessons and behavior is allowed to take its course. Children enjoy rallying against someone, it makes them feel like they are better. This is a feature of the psychology of “immature” groups. (By the way, “developed” groups are divided into separate warring groups, which psychological point vision is a healthier phenomenon.)
Now, with the disappearance cool hours, pioneers, waste paper collections and other school wood embroidery clubs, mobbing has become a noticeable problem. Unfortunately, you can’t handle it alone. You should sound the alarm in the parent committee so that work can be done with the class professional psychologist and taught this gang not to assert themselves at the expense of someone, but to get along as a group in which there is a place for everyone.
“It doesn’t matter that the mobbing is not against your child, but against someone else in his class,” our consultant emphasizes.
Intervene. Otherwise, everything may end in an emergency that will force the NTV brigade, drooling, to rush towards your school. But in high school, your child’s lack of friends shouldn’t worry you. You don’t communicate with people you don’t like (well, not counting your neighbor in the stairwell, whose every heresy you are forced to assent to, if only he would leave you alone and let you smoke in peace). Now your crazy person is already ripe for such informed decisions.
“For high school students, the problem of “being friends or not being friends” is of an ideological nature,” says Ms. Sviridova. - You shouldn’t worry about your child’s loneliness. You have to respect his choice."
In the next part, our expert will tell you...
Children are generally open to new information. They strive to learn as much as possible and make interesting acquaintances. The child is not embarrassed to approach to a stranger and talk to him about something, for example, about the weather. But what happens in the process of growing up? Some kids and adult life move with many friends, while others feel lonely and abandoned. How to protect your baby and what to do if no one is friends with him?
I can’t say that I have many friends, but I definitely have several reliable and trusted girlfriends for years. I've known one of them since kindergarten. It has never been difficult for me to get to know someone, but my friend has a slightly different mindset. She grew up as a shy and shy girl. A friend once told me in all seriousness that if I hadn’t started being friends with her, she would have walked alone. It seems to me that my friend is flattering my vanity. But, unfortunately, at every step in life there are lonely people who were unable to adapt to their environment in time.
Why is no one friendly with the child?
I don't want to discuss more serious things right now psychological problems child development, we will leave this matter to experienced specialists. Let's talk about shyness and shyness, due to which a child cannot find friends. These character traits are quite natural in children, but they should not become an obstacle to the development and formation of personality. Shyness is a fairly common phenomenon in children. Reluctance to open up and interact with people, fear of new emotions, embarrassment, or simply fear of the future. Our task is to provide timely support to our children.
We must help them come out of their shell and develop into a confident person. A drop of shyness will always accompany a child through life and this is normal. This will only make it better, because ideal people can not be. And how beautiful is the blush of embarrassment on the cheeks of the young lady! It is important to prevent reluctance to make contact from hindering the child’s development in the future. A lonely adult with poorly developed social skills doesn't sound very pleasant. To prevent shyness from leading to low self-esteem, we will fight it effective methods.
Reasons for Shyness
Shyness is given to us by nature, but over time, as the child grows and develops, it becomes dull. Here are the most common reasons for shyness and reluctance to communicate:
1. Hypersensitivity
Some children are born much more sensitive and vulnerable than others. They demand special approach. Harsh remarks and criticism from peers cause them to hide in a shell. They are too scared to expose themselves to new experiences and encounters.
2. Following parental example
Children learn everything through imitation. If the parents themselves are not particularly sociable and do not have a million friends, then the child will follow their example.
3. Lack of self-confidence
Lack of self-confidence can lead to excessive shyness. Children whose parents are too strict tend to grow up to be shy and introverted people.
4. Harsh criticism
If someone criticizes a child, he gradually closes himself off from the world, immerses himself in his thoughts and experiences everything within himself. The fear of making a mistake leads to the fact that he does not want to communicate with anyone.
5. Lack of trust
Distrust of others can also be a cause of isolation. This is caused by excessive peer pressure or even bullying within a group.
6. Long-term isolation
When a child is exposed to long-term isolation from society, he does not get the opportunity to develop social skills, does not know how to interact and find compromises. The longer the isolation lasts, the more withdrawn the child may become.
How to help a child overcome shyness?
Analyze all these points and find out whether they apply to your child or whether the reason for the lack of friends lies in something else. If you find similar symptoms, then it's time to act. As loving parents, you must be patient with your children, understand them and accept them for who they are. There are several ways to overcome shyness, namely:
1. Encourage social interaction
Do your best to encourage your child to meet new people and make as many friends as possible. Encourage his participation in competitions and sporting events.
2. Give him a helping hand
A shy child needs to be liberated gradually and carefully, otherwise he will withdraw into himself even more. First of all, it is necessary to be a friend to the child and not laugh at his fears. Let him open up to you, love him and have fun more often.
3. Give your child a sense of security
The child should feel safe around you. Explain to him that making mistakes is quite normal, everyone makes mistakes and it’s not scary.
4. Be a role model
A child will naturally learn to deal with his isolation and shyness if his parents show him by example that communication and new acquaintances are cool. We are their idols, at least in childhood, try not to disappoint your child.
5. Help your child grow and develop
Teach your child to be independent from an early age early childhood. Let their development as individuals occur through their own small victories over themselves. Be generous with praise; anything can be overcome if there is love, support and approval in the family.
Every parent wants their child to be happy and successful. And how frustrating it becomes when something goes wrong for him. For example, if he is offended or not loved enough in the kindergarten team. I want to stand up for my baby, order all the bullies to urgently apologize, and the rest of the group to immediately become friends with the best boy in the world, Vasya. But we understand that this is not an option. We are looking into the issue with psychologist Anfisa Belova.
The child complains at home after kindergarten: “No one is friends with me.” How can parents find out if there really is such a problem? After all, “today I’m friends, tomorrow I’m not friends” seems like normal behavior for children in kindergarten?
Yes, children are fickle; their interests and preferences can change several times a day. But this does not mean that you should ignore or take lightly what the child says. If he talks about how no one is friends with him, it means that this moment he really feels that way.
The parents’ task is to figure out whether this feeling is momentary (for example, today they refused to take the child to the game for some reason) or whether he has problems communicating with peers.
In order to understand this, it is enough for parents to regularly communicate with their child, ask how he is doing, what he did during the day, whether he had fun or not.
In addition, it is necessary to pay attention to the mood with which baby is coming to kindergarten and returns from it, whether he wants to go there. You can always find out if your son or daughter has friends from the teachers who spend time with children most day.
If a preschooler really doesn't communicate with anyone, should this worry parents? After all, he is still small - maybe it will go away on its own.
First you need to find out whether this bothers the child himself. Perhaps he is satisfied with this state of affairs, then you will have to come to terms with it too.
If there is a problem, and the parents eliminate themselves, explaining their behavior with the phrase “it will go away on its own” or “let him learn to deal with his problems,” then it is unlikely that things will get better, but most likely it will get worse. Not a single problem goes away just like that; it transforms, changes, but does not disappear.
What to do if the child really has no friends and doesn’t play with anyone, but still wants to communicate and is upset about this situation? Is there anything a parent can do to help?
The parent is main man in a child’s life, and his participation in solving children’s problems is very important. The baby has no one else to turn to for help except mom and dad.
It is impossible to give a simple, short answer to what exactly parents should do. To do this, you need to know the reason why the child does not play with anyone and has no friends. And there can be many reasons. For example, he is too modest and closed, he is afraid to make contact himself. Or, conversely, he is too assertive, so no one wants to communicate with him. Or maybe something happened unpleasant situation, after which relationships with classmates deteriorated.
Only by finding the reason will parents be able to understand in which direction to move forward. Perhaps it will be enough to talk with the teacher for him to introduce the child into the team. Sometimes you need to teach a child simple phrases and rules for successful communication with peers or seek help from a psychologist. There are also cases when it is better to transfer the baby to another preschool. There are many options, and they all depend on the specific situation.
In what cases should you contact a psychologist? How to understand that a parent cannot cope with the situation on his own?
It is worth contacting a psychologist if any symptoms appear in the child’s behavior. warning signs: he becomes too aggressive or, conversely, whiny, he develops neurotic symptoms - for example, nervous tics, stuttering, enuresis, he often gets sick, etc. That is, you need to pay attention to everything that differs from the usual behavior of your (namely, your) child.
A situation where parents are unable to help is easy to recognize: days go by, all the methods that mom and dad had in their arsenal have already been tried, but the problem is not solved, or the situation has only gotten worse.
It happens that parents don’t have any “arsenal”; they simply don’t know what to do. Then, of course, you also need to see a psychologist. The main thing to remember is that there is no shame in asking for help. It doesn't make you bad parents who failed. It makes you good parents who care.
What to do if a child has no friends and does not need them? Does he seem to be burdened by socializing with his peers, but does he feel great alone?
Yes, there are children (and adults) who are comfortable being alone. But firstly, you need to make sure that this is exactly the case. If it is clear from the child himself that this is not a problem for him, then there is no point in forcing friends on him. On the contrary, he may experience discomfort if he is forcibly drawn into communication with other children. It is necessary to talk about these features with the teacher so that he does not put pressure and does not try to “correct” an uncommunicative child. And if possible, limit visits to kindergarten, because... withdrawn children may find it difficult to constantly be around large quantity of people. This does not mean at all that the baby needs to be isolated from his peers and that he will never have friends, he just needs to find more comfortable environment, in which he can calmly learn to interact with people without being subjected to unnecessary stress and pressure.
Are there ways to “prevent” the inability to make friends and communicate? What can we do for a child at an early age so that he does not encounter this problem as he grows up? Maybe communicate with him more or watch cartoons about friends?
In this matter, much depends on the character and temperament of the child. Some people are “given” the ability to make new friends easily; such children subsequently become the life of the party or class leaders. And some are less sociable and more closed, preferring a minimum of communication. These are all normal options.
And one more note: before the age of three, you should not touch a child with questions of friendship at all, because he does not yet know how to make friends and fully play with peers.
As a kind of “prevention” of children’s problems with communication, parents should teach their child politeness and the ability to build a conversation when meeting someone. You can talk to your child about human qualities, which are important for friendship, about why friends are needed in general.
In order to develop communication skills, tell your child how to act when he wants to meet someone: say hello, introduce yourself, ask the interlocutor what his name is, suggest a game together, etc. You can also play “getting to know each other”, for example, getting to know your grandmother, dad or sister again, introducing all the toys - by the way, it’s very convenient to work out any situations with toys.
In addition, it is important to prepare the child for the fact that not all children are friendly in response - some may themselves be quite modest or simply not want to communicate at the moment, others may be ill-mannered and rude, this also happens - but this is not means that the child himself is bad and did something wrong.
After this, you can move on to teaching the “culture of the game.” To do this, you just need to remember your childhood: which children were unpleasant for you to communicate with and did not want to play with and why (for example, with those who took away toys or broke the rules of the game, or fought). This is what you should tell your child. Only here it is important not to go into intimidation: “If you take away toys, no one will be friends with you,” such statements cause fear, not motivation. In this case, it’s better to say: “Is it really unpleasant when someone takes your toys away from you? “The other person won’t like it either,” - in this way you will not only explain how to behave in a team, but also begin to teach your child empathy and sympathy.
This is the basis for a child’s success in communication. However, even this does not guarantee that the child will avoid all communication problems. The main thing here is this: it is important that the baby feels supported and knows that there are always parents behind him who are ready to listen and help in any matter.