Why are we angry with ourselves? What is really hidden behind these emotions? Is it true that it is impossible to be angry with yourself? And if so, who are we really angry at? He talks about how to work with such emotions and how to learn not to blame yourself.psychologist and gestalt therapist Polina Tsvetkova.
DANGEROUS EMOTIONS
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When I studied at the institute, we used to have the phrase “it’s impossible to be angry with yourself.” And this is partly true. The whole point is that our psyche has such defense mechanism- she “turns” dangerous emotions onto herself.
★ Dangerous emotions are those emotions for which we were most often scolded, punished, and which were not accepted in us. This doesn't make your emotions go away, but it's much safer to be angry with yourself than with the teacher who is scolding you. Therefore, we turn anger directed at someone towards ourselves. By the way, this is one of the mechanisms for the formation of psychosomatic diseases.
We usually begin to be angry with ourselves in childhood, when we understand that it is dangerous to be angry with the recipient. For example, we are afraid of getting angry with our parents because we think we might lose them like that. parental love(Hello mother!).
HOW TO UNDERSTAND WHO WE ARE ANGRY WITH
It is very important to understand who and why anger is actually directed at. So the next time you start throwing ashes on your head and reproaching yourself, ask the question: “Who am I really angry with?” Here are some examples of how sometimes we direct anger directed at someone else towards ourselves:
- “I scold myself for not being able to stand up for myself!” What happened in environment that you have a need to defend yourself? From whom? How do you feel about this person?
- “I’m angry that I’m doing everything slowly!” Where did you get the idea that you need to do ten things in ten minutes? Who demands this from you? How do you feel about this person?
Anger and aggression are energy initially directed not at us, but at people and events outside. Only by understanding and accepting that we are angry with someone can we defend our interests. But if we are angry with ourselves, then we deprive ourselves of the strength and energy to protect ourselves.
IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD
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But there are such internal processes, when there seem to be no other participants in the events. Let's say you're angry that you spent the whole day at home instead of going for a walk, jogging, or something else. Then there are two parts inside us: the one that behaves “somehow wrong” and the one that is angry with it for it.
- Ask yourself, did you really want to run? Listen to yourself. Maybe you're so exhausted working week that you want to drink tea and read books? What is the problem anyway, because there is nothing wrong with spending your time free time Houses? Maybe someone told you that you need to do it differently? In such situations, it is important to learn to separate your true desires from those imposed by someone.
- If the desire is really yours, then you can go from the other side. If you have such a harsh accuser inside, where is your support? Who will support the part on which you have rained thunder and lightning? Look at her - how would you support her? We would hug, say encouraging words, or go for a run together. Everyone has their own way of supporting themselves. And if this part still disgusts you, then it’s best to try working with a psychologist.
SHAME AND GUILT
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Anger often appears to mask shame and guilt. After all, these are the most heavy feelings. Guilt is the feeling that you have done something bad, and shame is the feeling that you are bad. There are also different ways to work with them:
- If you notice that you are masking shame with anger, then it is important to work on accepting yourself and allowing yourself various manifestations. This doesn't mean you have to fight with everyone you're angry with. It rather means that if you get angry, flare up, then this will not make you bad person and your attitude towards yourself will not change after that.
- If guilt goes along with anger, then admitting guilt to yourself, you can somehow atone for the guilt, correct mistakes, and ultimately apologize.
“I’m angry at myself for being angry!” - yes, this happens too. How do you generally feel about anger? How did you know that feeling angry is bad? Who condemned you for showing anger? How do you feel about him? Ultimately, anger, like any feeling, is neither good nor bad. The only difference is how we deal with it. You can get angry with yourself and do something that previously seemed impossible to you. Or you can get angry and hide in a corner with tears. The choice is always yours.
“Why was I angry before? Because I didn’t have a bicycle,” says one of the characters in the cartoon “Three from Prostokvashino.” And you can’t argue. What makes a person angry is an unhappy fate, dissatisfaction with oneself and life, unfulfilled dreams, ruined plans, unsatisfied.
Anger is closely associated with many: resentment, envy, jealousy, melancholy, sadness, irritability and more. But the closest term is anger. If anger is an emotion, then anger is an affective feeling, highest manifestation anger. I think they can be considered synonyms. Moreover, outbursts of anger in an angry person are not so uncommon. The result of anger and anger is... This action is a completely different story. But let's get back to the anger.
Anger - defensive reaction body to danger, irritant, infringement of boundaries, violation internal balance. It is common to all people. Each of us is familiar with anger.
Another question is when anger becomes a trait and permeates a person’s entire life. Then the individual is always dissatisfied with everything and torments himself and those around him. This situation requires getting rid of chronic anger.
Anger is hormones. And sometimes behavior correction is not enough. So, hormonal levels can always be imbalanced when:
- alcohol abuse;
- passive or excessive active image life;
- malnutrition;
- health problems.
To identify and eliminate this cause, it is worth visiting several specialists (psychiatrist, endocrinologist, nutritionist, narcologist). In this article, we assume that your hormonal levels are normal, and we analyze the problem of anger from a psychological perspective.
Why is anger dangerous?
“As a rule, the villain himself suffers from the anger that is aimed at people,” - Ferdowsi.
- Anger destroys not only the individual’s relationship with society, but also the individual himself. This happens first. Both restraining negativity, silencing it, and regularly splashing it out on others have an equally detrimental effect.
- Anger attracts real illnesses (), destroys families, friendships, and work relationships.
- In some cases, anger turns into self-aggression and self-destructive behavior or others.
Looking for a reason
“All anger comes from powerlessness,” Jean-Jacques Rousseau.
- The reason for anger is almost always the same - dissatisfaction. Think about what is bothering you currently. What you want but can't get.
- The second option is that anger masks fear, resentment, pain and personal insecurity ( best protection– attack).
- Anger is a sign of weakness, instability, psychological trauma and problems.
Letting out emotions
I’ll say right away that the word “calm down” does not work. Especially when it is said at the peak of emotions. Yes, you can calm down long and hard, suppress your anger, but after that something will happen. the last straw. And now it’s no longer easy for us evil person, but furious. So, if you understand that emotions have accumulated, then they need to be brought out. How to do this without causing harm (mental and physical) to yourself and others?
P.S. The methods have been personally tested. Their essence is the same - to reduce the jumping level of hormones.
- Hit the pillow.
- Tear up the newspaper.
- Scream. Not at someone, but into the emptiness of an endless field and forest. Release your anger.
- Clench and unclench your fists.
- Do push-ups, run, walk.
- Take a deep breath and hold your breath.
- Meditate, do auto-training, master.
- Draw.
- Dance.
- Clean up your house.
- Write your emotions, complaints, describe your condition. You can break a pen or pencil (from the force of pressure), but you must express all the pain on paper. It's good if the letter has an addressee. After this, burn the sheet.
- Draw. Any strokes, lines. Create something completely chaotic on the sheet, cross it out. Don't control the pressure. Now look. This is your anger. This black (blue) shapeless (or shaped) spot is your anger. It sits in you. What is this lump of? Grievances? Emptiness? What can this be replaced with or filled in with?
Akin to the advice to calm down is the option of counting to 10. Of course, it helps some, but more often it gives time to accelerate before the flash. Taking a deep breath is a more effective idea. The brain will be saturated with oxygen, the balance of hormones will quickly change, and you will be able to take a sober look at the situation.
“I was choking with anger and hatred. I didn't hate society - an abstraction invented by worthless sociologists - I hated the whole universe. I wanted to hurt her in revenge for the pain caused to me,” A. Murdoch.
Correcting behavior
Now that the “explosion” has been prevented, we can talk about ways to correct behavior that require high costs time and effort, but also with great prospects.
- It has been scientifically proven that anger is as dangerous to the cardiovascular system as cholesterol. To definitely want to get rid of uncontrollable anger, put all its consequences on the scales: discord in relationships with loved ones, problems at work, deteriorating health, early death, loneliness. Now act, don’t retreat a single step. Always remember these risks (it is useful to print them out in a list and place them in a visible place).
- The cause of anger always lies within you. No, it’s not the boss who’s bad, it’s you who are dissatisfied with your job. Why? If your boss really scolds you in vain, then change your job. If you're at it, improve your skills and stop being angry at your boss (read: yourself). Don't you like the activity itself? Change the scope. You are scared? Everyone is afraid to leave their comfort zone. Stay in it, but then learn to live with your anger (read: dissatisfaction). A friend has taken care of himself, now compared to him you are losing? Start changing too, then you will stop being angry at him (read: at your own lack of will and apathy). I think the analogies are clear; there is no need to continue.
- Don’t hush up your dissatisfaction, don’t be afraid to ask. This must be done in cultural form. To do this, it is useful to know the characteristics of the interlocutor (habits, character,) to express and feel emotions.
- In moments of oncoming flashes, remember the emotion or feeling that comes after: disappointment, shame, regret. For some people, an angry release brings satisfaction, but such individuals usually do not see the problem and do not want to change (this is what their environment wants). And since you are still reading this article, then satisfaction from anger is not your case. Then the method of remembering emotions will do. If you are a brave person, then ask your family to take a photo of you in a moment of anger. Nobody likes this picture. Strange. Why? Hang up your “posters” as a visual example of the alternative personality that is destroying you.
- Imagine how much effort goes into hatching plans for revenge, remembering grievances, worrying, etc. Don't you feel sorry for your own potential, which is not realized because your whole life revolves around anger? I feel sorry for him. What you cannot change, accept and let go. Change what you can influence. How? Make up step by step plan and slowly but surely go towards the goal. Focusing on the meaning of your life will help with this. Do you have it? Or not? !
- Develop optimism and a sense of humor. With him everything becomes simpler and less significant.
- Anger can be both a response to stress and a cause of it. In this regard, any techniques for overcoming stressful situations. Visit popular anti-stress attractions, such as breaking dishes.
- Speak or write down your anger and its reasons. This will allow you to look at the situation differently, accept it and draw up an action plan. Behind anger there is always an unsatisfied need. What do you need to be happy right now?
- Don't judge by the past. Be prepared to give the person a new chance for constructive dialogue. People tend to change. By the way, as well as external circumstances.
- If someone really harms you, deliberately angers you (and you didn’t come up with this), then these are already the problems of that person. Feel sorry for him, help him, laugh about it to yourself, or refuse to interact. You should not stir up a scandal and point out your opponent’s problems and sorrows (especially in an angry manner).
- To respond to relationship problems with dignity, learn tolerance, respect, and self-esteem. Study psychology, personality traits. Improve your communication skills. Did you know that some people, due to their innate characteristics, cannot make decisions and do quality work in short time? No? And this happens. How awkward it turned out: you were angry with the person for irresponsibility and slowness, and you also insulted him. And the answer lies in the processes of inhibition and excitation in the opponent’s psyche. The better you understand people, the more realistic your expectations and requirements for them will be. Often anger is born precisely on the basis of our own inadequate expectations or demands.
- We get to know ourselves through relationships. The better you know others, the better you know yourself. After self-knowledge comes self-control.
- Direct the same anger that you feel now not into aggression and resentment, but into action. Make yourself known (but in a socially acceptable way), your interests, needs and desires. Let anger play the function that is primary - competition, survival, advancement.
- Don’t suppress anger, otherwise you will lose yourself, become nothing (no feelings, no desires, no aspirations, no interests, only illness).
- Don't try to get rid of anger, learn to express it. Sometimes it’s enough to say “I’m angry,” “It makes me angry...”, “Please don’t do that.” Talking is always useful.
Thus, getting rid of anger involves getting rid of its roots or what it hides. Resentments - forgive, emptiness - fill (hobbies, friends, communication), (misunderstanding) - eliminate, needs - satisfy, meaning of life - find, physical pain (illness) - heal.
Does anger have advantages?
Yes! And I suggest you look at the situation differently. Stop seeing anger as an enemy. Yes, you want to get rid of it, but does it only cause harm? Consider her an advisor. She tells you the sore spots, the emptiness of the soul, current needs, undesirable character traits, bad habits.
Always ask yourself: why am I angry? After answering, ask the second question: can I change this? How can I change this?
- do what you want (this is not selfishness);
- communicate with those you want;
- change or exclude what you are not happy with;
- give up stereotypes and attempts to meet other people's expectations.
Chronic anger is a trait of unhappy people. To get rid of it, you need to become happy. But at the same time, it is important to remember that anger is natural when it manifests itself in response to situations that threaten life, health, and family. It allows us to grow, move forward, adapt and survive.
“Anyone can get angry - it's easy; but to be angry with someone with whom you need to, and as much as you need to, and when you need to, and for the reason you need to, and in the way you need to, is not given to everyone,” Aristotle.
Watch the video and see how people bring pieces of good into the world every day.
Do you often get angry with yourself? Want to talk about this?
Have you ever thought that humans are the only creatures on earth who can intentionally harm themselves? Let's figure out how this happened.
Anger, like any feeling, is energy directed outward to fulfill one’s needs.
Anger has two important functions:
Border protection. Anger arises as a natural reaction to the violation of boundaries, the energy that arises in in this case designed to restore them. For example, someone stood on your foot in transport, you got angry and firmly asked to get off your foot, thereby restoring the boundaries.
Achieving the goal. Aggression occurs when there is an unsatisfied desire and energy is needed to achieve what you want. external environment. For example, you are hungry, you go pick an apple and eat it. Agree, you are very aggressive towards the apple at this moment. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Now imagine a child who is angry because he did not get what he wanted and is faced with a parent’s reaction that is dangerous for him, for example, with even stronger anger. Or the child was shamed or threatened to be abandoned/given away (I periodically hear such threats against children). And then the child understands that showing his anger is unsafe, he may even be abandoned, but for children's perception it is tantamount to death. And gradually the baby stops expressing his anger and becomes “comfortable and correct.” And then this pedagogical idea that “anger is a bad emotion” continues at school, in the army, in your family, at work, etc. And we learn to leave the anger to ourselves: “I can’t be angry at others, I’ll be angry at myself.” Of course, this is convenient for others and you can convince yourself that it is useful for yourself - “self-motivating”! And here is the time to remember that anger is an energy grenade. What did you do? – you tore out the pin, but didn’t throw it away! And this destructive energy hits you, your organs, and, first of all, your heart and gastrointestinal tract.
Conclusion: if you want to be healthy, learn to release energy outward! The best thing is to attack the offender. Impossible? - hit a pillow, share with friends, write nasty things to this person on paper, then tear up the piece of paper - do what will help you realize that this anger is directed at someone else, not at yourself!
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It is important not to accumulate, but to learn to recognize anger and present it on time, in an appropriate form and at the address. This way you will avoid running out of patience and, as a result, an emotional explosion, but the opportunity to negotiate or ask for something will appear. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
It is important to understand that behind your anger there is always some need hidden, look for it! And when expressing your anger, speak specifically about the need. For example, if you think that your partner has moved away from you, instead of saying “You don’t care about me!” try saying “I want you to give me your time.” more attention, I miss you." Trust me, it will work!
Anger. A very important FEELING. Not to be confused with bitterness and with evil as a concept.
Where it is suppressed for a long time, access to the energy of desires is lost - I don’t know what I want, over time the experience of “I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I am” appears, a variety of sores appear there if it is prolonged and suppress very carefully.
They appear there uncontrolled outbreaks anything - total guilt, read - anger directed at oneself, depression can form there, an internal critic appears, which settles in the head like a fat troll and devalues every step, questions its own goodness and in order not to collapse from all this, arise projections in external world- all people become shit, the weather too, and in general a lot of things immediately become shit and injustice.
Where anger is suppressed, there arise constant grievances, which can make you cry endlessly into your pillow at night, or walk around with a frequently sore throat.
Anger - it comes in different forms.
It can be used to protect something valuable.
And it happens as a symptom of the fact that in some way I do not take responsibility for my life, believing that others should act as I consider fair and correct, that others should already understand what I mean, even when I don't say this directly.
But in any case, anger is a regulator of one’s own boundaries.
Where anger is suppressed, there is no clarity in experiencing one’s own boundaries. Throws either in violation of strangers, or in excessive bending of his own.
Anger is often called " negative feeling", people often believe that being angry is bad, stupid, pointless, wrong, unrighteous.
But it seems to me that the whole point is that expressing anger is a whole skill that is taught in few places.
Anger is often considered dangerous - dangerous for relationships, dangerous for the assessment of others (what will people think of me? I want to be “good” in other people’s eyes... and in general, there’s a whole locomotive of everything that can be pulled behind this).
Anger is the teeth of personality.
They can chew what is useful.
They can protect themselves.
You can express yourself with them.
The question is not whether to be angry or suppress your anger. The question is HOW to express your anger.
When I worked with children, for many of them it was a whole discovery that one can express one’s anger with the words “I’m angry now,” “When you take away my toy or destroy my buildings, spoil my drawings, I’m angry, it’s unpleasant for me, please , don’t do this, otherwise I’ll distance myself from you/I’ll quarrel with you/I won’t trust you.”
Before the only way to defend himself and express anger, he could take away the toy, spoil the drawing in response, hit, call him names, throw a tantrum, and once, the boy endured and endured, and then took a knife and rushed at his offender.
Parents, who also had never been taught to express their anger, grabbed their hearts, felt ashamed, shouted at their children, forced them to stop it = suppress their anger. After all, what will people think?
Few people taught us to recognize our anger: “You’re angry now because Vanya took away your toy. You have the right to be angry and say about it: “I’m angry and I don’t want you to take the toy, give it back.”
“You don’t need to hit Vanya, it hurts. But you can take care of yourself by identifying yourself and warnings about what you will do if Vanya doesn’t hear you and continues.”
Or “You’re angry now, that’s why you want to continue playing, but it’s time to end the game. I notice you in your anger. But you don’t need to hit me for that, it hurts me and I won’t allow myself to be hit. You can talk about your anger and worry her. I see that you don’t want to end the game. But these are the rules, nothing can be done about it. We must leave, no matter how hard it is.”
Anger is a way to understand yourself. A way to feel your importance, yourself.
Anger is always a marker of something important. And is usually a wrapper for more deep feelings and experiences. But without realizing anger, it is as if we are throwing away boxes with this wrapper called “anger”, not knowing what is inside these boxes. And there are often valuables there, called “my valuables”. By giving ourselves the opportunity to feel anger, living it, we remove these wrappers, examining what is wrapped in them.
Living with anger is not the same as hitting you in the face, insulting you, or destroying everything around you. Living through anger means staying in contact with this feeling, giving it space as long as it needs. Take care of your safety and those around you.
Insulting a person and labeling yourself “I get angry when you do this” or “I’m angry with you now and am ready to continue the conversation when I calm down” are completely different things.
For in the first case (in insults) one is overwhelmed by excitement, on which actions are committed that one can regret having “sobered up” from anger.
In the second case, there is a clear identification of oneself and allocating space for oneself to mature anger into some other quality. For example, in realizing the value of not allowing yourself to be insulted.
Or in the experience of regret that it is very sad that everything did not happen the way you wanted.
Or in experiencing the value of a relationship with this person. Or in the realization that actually lives under this anger own fear or vulnerability.
Anger - faithful dog, who is always guarding the safety and values of his owner. It is only important to tame and make friends with this dog.
P.S. And yes, by the way, where anger is suppressed, there is fertile ground for dependent relationships.