Lyudmila Petranovskaya: Should I talk to my parents about the past? And what if they deny everything? How to forgive a deceased parent and is it possible to discern parental love in criticism?
Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya spoke about this at the lecture “Childhood grievances: is there a chance to mend already damaged relationships?” Try not to forgive, but to understand
— They didn't have the resource. Remember that they had a very hard life - work, lack of money, getting food, labor-intensive life, standing in queues. Severely stressed parents were not psychologically sensitive and gave their children the resource they had enough for.
— They were young and inexperienced. Sometimes it can be very helpful to remember what age your parents were at the time. Often these were people 25-26 years old, inexperienced and unsure.
There is no need to remain silent. If you feel resentment towards your parents, do not remain silent about it. You can't help but admit that you felt bad. For a very long time this topic was taboo and there was only one option: “Parents are holy people, they raised you and gave you life, you need to love them, respect them and not complain” or: “If you felt bad, it’s your own fault.”
Don't live your whole life with childhood traumas.. This is the other extreme. It would be nice not to spend your whole life complaining about your parents and attributing all your failures to their mistakes.
Try not to live your whole life under the banner of “the child of an alcoholic,” “the person who was not loved by his mother,” or “the person who was beaten as a child.” Sometimes such a period of experiencing trauma is necessary, but it would be nice for it to end.
When we were children, we had no choice whether we would be offended or not. Now we have a choice - we can leave the trauma simply as an experience, or we can allow the trauma to shape our personality. If you can’t get over this on your own, consult a psychotherapist; you don’t have to live in this state for years.
Try talking about childhood grievances with your parents. Should we try to convey to our parents that they were wrong? Sometimes it helps. Parents have become calmer, wiser, they are no longer as stressed out as before. They are already raising grandchildren and often discover qualities of warmth and acceptance within themselves. Some of them are already ready for such a conversation. Sometimes they may admit and express regret about past mistakes. And this could be the beginning of a new warm relationship.
Sometimes accepting responsibility is simply necessary. This mainly applies to cases where there was serious abuse on the part of parents. Just admit that it happened. This recognition can often become the only condition on which children agree to continue communicating with their parents. You need to say in plain text: “It is very important for me that you admit that this happened. I don’t need an apology, but it’s important that no one pretends that I made this up.”
Leave them the right not to admit their mistakes. If parents defend themselves and say: “We did everything right, you’re the ungrateful one,” they have the right to do so. You have your own picture of the world, and they have theirs. Sometimes their psyche denies and represses everything. Re-educating a person at 70 years old is a bad idea. But often this means that there will no longer be a close relationship between you.
Have pity on your little self. When we receive insults from our parents, we are in the position of a very small creature. You are not a judge, but simply Small child, who had no choice. And when we think about whether to forgive or not, we take on a responsibility that we do not have and could not have. We can't be older than parents, we cannot judge them “from above”. We can acknowledge our feelings and, from today’s adult state, feel sorry for our little self. Explain to your little self that, in general, you can’t do this to children, so that he can hear it from at least some adult.
Give yourself permission to be sad. At some point, you need to allow yourself to be sad and admit that you didn’t have something in childhood and won’t have it anymore. Because your parents simply couldn't give it to you. And this may make things easier.
Don't expect your parents to change. Very often, behind complaints against parents there is a child’s hope that the parents will change - dad will finally praise, and mom will finally love. But dad and mom didn’t praise or love simply because they, in principle, were not capable of it. They have their own Hard childhood, your circumstances and your psychological profile. Learn to translate your parents' love language Quite rarely, there are parents who are completely incapable of giving anything, but only criticize and reject. Sometimes their love language just isn't what we want to hear. We are waiting good words, and their love is to bake us pies and feed us to our fullest. We must learn to translate their language into our own. Let’s say your mother grumbles all the time, but at the same time she cooks you endless borscht and washes the dishes. These pies, borscht and dishes are her “I love you.”
Sometimes criticism is also caring. Endless criticism is such a parental amulet. It seems that if you always tell a child what is wrong with him, then he will someday understand everything and finally do everything right. If you see it from this side, it will not destroy you so much. We must learn to treat this as a matter of concern.
If your parents are dead, then your claims will definitely not harm them. A deceased parent is not so different from a non-dead parent. After all, when we are offended, we are offended not at today’s parents, but at those parents who were then, at the time of the offense. Sometimes the dead are idealized and it seems that it is forbidden to think badly of them or make claims against them. But if they have already died, then your claims will definitely not harm them in any way, and it can help you. Sometimes you need to express anger and complaints in order to open the capacity to love. If you let go of the resentment, you can deal with the warm part of the relationship that you had.
Forgiveness of parents: comments from psychologists
Is it possible to force yourself to forgive: a commentary on.
Believing psychologists comment on the article , which caused complex feelings among a number of readers. The author slightly supplemented the article subsequently; comments were written on the first version.
Natalya Kazanskaya, logotherapist, consulting psychologist: There are different imperfections
We are all raised by imperfect parents and, in turn, become imperfect parents, but this “imperfection” can be very different. In one case it may be a case of parents who overdid it in forcing a child to study music, in another it may be a case of abuse that caused serious harm to the child. The path to forgiveness can also be very different in these cases.
It's not easy for me to read texts where psychological issues mixed with questions of faith. I proceed from the fact that the psychotherapist bases his work on specific theories and uses specific tools; but how God acts in the human soul always remains a mystery. God can really help us accomplish what we cannot accomplish on our own—this also applies to forgiveness. But this does not mean at all that I can “command” to myself: “Since you are a Christian, that means you must forgive!” That's not how it works.
If we talk about psychotherapy, then when a person learns to treat himself with compassion and empathy, he gradually heals from old wounds and grievances; the process of healing goes hand in hand with the process of forgiveness. But this long haul, which often requires attentive and careful support. Unfortunately, attempts to say that “recipes exist” (although the author does not say this directly) and that “everything was written a long time ago” may sound to someone like a recommendation “you shouldn’t treat yourself as the center of the world.” And such an approach can sometimes not only not bring you closer to forgiveness, but also aggravate already difficult experiences.
Marina Filonik, psychotherapist:
We cannot forgive by force of will
Confusing:
1. Of the first five examples, four are negative and one is positive, and this fifth one ispriest. The hint is that if we are Christians, then we must... But this is notSo. Either I misunderstood the author, but for me it’s like ideologization. Faith andeven churchgoing is not supposed to relieve childhood traumas, and certainly notheal automatically. I can agree more about personal maturity, but ithas nothing to do with religion.
2. The problem with the text, it seems to me, is that it mixes the right things andthings are ambiguous, and when it is a mixture, it is very difficult to separate the grains fromchaff For example, there is a fair thought about the causes of problems from childhood. But sheit is immediately disputed, and this seems to be not bad either, I want to think about freedomsubject. But behind this lies, as I hear, a devaluation of the truth of experiencesthose people about whom we're talking about at first. Like, all these great ones of yours are nonsensesuffering, God gave everything to you and gave it in abundance. And it's your choice what you do- continue to suffer or grow older. In my neurosis it sounds: “What are youwhining, got up and went! And it seems that this is also true (literally), but it’s not enough to me personally:
a) recognition of the truth of pain and the right to this pain,
b) ways to healing not through one’s own strength,
c) love for man (“we are called to find the likeness of God, but how can we find it withoutpainful crucifixion of yourself and your desires, without asking God to heal and cleanseus, the nasty and inferior ones? — for me this text is not about love for a person).
And then, as a reader, my feeling of guilt can only intensify, because I have everything, God gave me everything, and I, such a nasty thing, am stuck in my resentment towards my mother. And methen this makes it even worse and you want to get drunk out of grief, and not pray for salvation...
If we talk about the issues raised differently, I would say what I more than once spoke and wrote : discover all this garbage in yourself (yes, there is unforgiveness in me,there is resentment in me, yes, I myself can’t do anything about it, I’m dying, and I’m inI don’t want this for myself) and crawl to God as you are (even if it seems that youugly, but that's not true, because you are God's favorite child) and say,in whatever words we have, because we simply don’t have any others:
- Lord, here I am! And it seems to me that I’m terrible... And I’m offended by my mother, becauseshe did so much evil (tell God about it - right to his face), and against you,Lord, I’m offended because “the wife you gave me” did all this... AndI hate myself, and I don’t like my mother, and I’m angry with You - here I stand before You,there is no love in me, because love is Your gift. But look at me...
And then anything can happen. But just bring to the Father everything that you have, ask Him to enter your heart and change it, because you yourself cannot change it. And inthis a big difference(in the text there is a message, they say, take it and change yourself,you free will and God gave you everything, and this gives rise to guilt. But you yourselfYou can’t if at 50 you have the same grievances towards your mother...).
But I would also like to support the author: an important problem is being raised, because the fact is that we have heaps of grievances that have been sitting for decades. And yes, understanding that parents are also imperfect,like yourself, very important. And yes, you have to grow up, it frees you from resentment, onlyThe question is: how to grow up? But this is the topic of another article or even a three-volume book.
Yes - gratitude is a great thing, and this is also about growing up.
Is it easier for Christians - it should be, but how is it in practice? I’m not sure that if we conduct a study among believers and non-believers and calculate the percentage of those offended andforgiven, there will be significant differences. But maybe I'm wrong, I wish I couldbe wrong. It is definitely “easier” for a Christian if he has personal relationships with Christ.
Natalia Skuratovskaya, psychologist, psychotherapist:
Some observations are correct, others are not.
Ambiguous text. Catechism and popular psychology mixed together,declarative phrases and some correct observations and conclusions...
Point by point, then:
1. There are no ideal parents - and the common thesis is that psychotherapy is neededeveryone who has or had parents has certain grounds.But the spread of this idea widely. adv. masses led to the fact that in allpeople blame childhood traumas for life problems, forgetting that they alreadyold enough to adopt and re-educate themselves, if onlythere is a need. Therefore, the conclusion “When we are adults, we have everything to work onmyself" seems true and productive to me (perhaps because II usually say about the same thing).
2. Too much “Orthodox mythology” mixed with those typical of ourschurch subculture prompts the reader to self-depreciate: “cleanse us,nasty and inferior”, “You yourself are very bad, you harm others even without Godyou will perish” (“samaduravinovata” is the last thing you should say to a person,who doesn’t find the strength to change his life... doesn’t motivate, it’s better hereI would like to remember that you yourself are potentially good, and God is not for youcreated), “This work is much easier for Christians” (yeah, especially inmodern church empirics with all its distortions).
3. “It is appropriate to talk about forgiveness of parents, who are just as damaged people as we are” - this topic is quite resourceful, if a person manages to realize and feel this, the problem of “childhood trauma” is half solved.
4. Well, the biblical ending evokes mixed feelings... I have come across such stories that all that remained was to explain to victims of parental violence what to “honor” in in this case may mean, for example, providing acceptable physical comfort in a helpless old age, and love for torturers is a super task for those who have achieved holiness. And respect is not an obligation, but a consequence of a person’s actions, and it is not necessary to feel guilty about its absence.
From the editor. If you managed to forgive your parents or mend previously difficult relationships, send stories about the path you have taken. Best stories we will publish.
It would seem... what weird question! How can you forgive those who gave life? Who cared and loved as best he could? But more and more often I, like family psychologist, in my practice I come across the fact that women aged 30, 40, 50 years old carry a terrible grudge against their parents in their hearts... And they don’t want to forgive! So what - you ask! Maybe they have the right to it! Who knows how their parents treated them? And, indeed, while working I have to hear creepy stories about how my father ran around drunk with an ax, and my mother raised me exclusively with a belt! It’s difficult to forget something like this, but you say “forgive”!!!
But why is the entire world of psychotherapy built on the fact that acceptance and forgiveness of one’s parents is the main condition for self-understanding, self-knowledge and inner maturation! Because whether we like it or not, we are made up of parents! No one has canceled genetics! And if I don’t accept my father, mother, then I will never accept myself!
It is through the parents that the child’s unconscious identity is derived! In simple words, the boy takes his father as an example of what a man should be! And the girl, accordingly, is from her mother! And if role models are very far from perfect... For example, dad is an alcoholic, then the son needs to make a lot of effort not to become like that... because he has been spying on his father’s behavior strategy since childhood and absorbs it like a sponge! To rebel against your father and become someone else is a challenge that not everyone can handle! But, on the other hand, each of us has all the resources to achieve this!
If, for example, an older daughter continues to harbor grievances against her mother, she reminds her of them when the opportunity arises! And, as a rule, these are childish grievances - "Not enough attention! Not enough love!". Does this young woman become feminine, affectionate, loved? How is it possible to open up to the world, to love, if there is a deep resentment towards one’s feminine, i.e., mother’s nature!? Do you understand? It's like covering your soul with stones of grievances and complaining that there is no female happiness! Conclusion! It is necessary to forgive your parents, first of all, for the sake of yourself, your health and happiness!
Everything will change in better side when you forgive your parents! It is useless to expect that your parents will give you the attention and love that you did not receive as a child... If you do not forgive them, you simply will not allow them to do this, you will not allow them to take care of you when you are adults! Take the position of a capricious child, and everything will not be enough for you! This is the position of the victim! And, as you know, it is impossible to help the victim! Therefore the following. Tasks and recommendations for those who will free themselves from children's grievances against their parents!
How to forgive? Where to begin? To begin with, write therapeutic letters to mom and separately to dad, next. scheme.
- For which I thank you.
- For which I apologize.
- For which I forgive.
- For which I thank you.
These are quite painful letters. You need to write them with your soul in order to remember all the negative and positive details of your childhood! Let all emotions remain on paper! After writing the letter you can burn it! Of course, don't show it to anyone!
Then I would suggest seeing in the parents - the little girl in mom and the little boy in dad... how did they feel in their childhood? How did you live? Did they have enough attention and love from their parents? Analyze their childhood to understand that mom and dad loved us as best they could! In the best possible way for them! Everything they could give, they gave! This is the maximum they were capable of in their youth, when they raised you! Look at them not through the eyes of a capricious child, but as an adult who is able to look at their parents with understanding, sympathy and gratitude!
And the final task. It's take a photo of yourself as a child and start asking questions.
- How are you feeling?
- What are you thinking about?
- What are you afraid of? What you want?
And, most importantly, we write questions right hand, and the answers are left-handed (for those who are left-handed, it’s the other way around)!
This is a task to understand the needs of your inner child! Talk to your little self from the perspective of the most loving parent! Calm him down and give him what he asks for! If you are over 21 years old, then you have every opportunity to take care of the spiritual comfort of your “inner child”! And become an ideal parent for him yourself!!! This is the position of an adult mature man! This is responsibility for your life and your happiness! And gratitude to your parents for giving you the most important gift - they gave you life!!! And you can be infinitely grateful for this fact alone!
I remember one of my clients who was “unlucky” with her parents - both drank. Dad beat mom. When she grew up, she hated her parents! It didn't work out for her personal life. At that time she was 33 years old. She despised men and believed that they were all like her father. On Your Own female happiness put up a cross! And you should have seen how she changed from the inside when she forgave her parents! At the 3rd consultation, she already began to defend her father, justify her mother... Now for the first time she has serious relationship with a young man... and career! She is happy!
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting grievances... because when the opportunity arises, they will be remembered! Forgiveness does not mean accepting what was done to you! To forgive is to forever let go of the pain from your heart and free your soul from stones to let in the healing energy of love and wisdom! This is what I wish for you with all my heart.
Before the New Year, many sum up the results - some of the year they lived, some of the life they lived. And our relationship with our parents runs like a red thread through our entire lives, either filling it with love, warmth and care, or darkening it. It is impossible not to relate to parents in any way. I have met people who do not communicate with their mother for a long time and say that she is nobody to them. I see so much pain inside such a person that he preferred not to feel anything at all towards his parents than to experience suffering. Clients came to me who said that they had long ago forgiven their parents, who drank, raised a hand against them in childhood, and ignored their needs. But in the process of therapy, it suddenly turns out that there is a lot of hatred, anger, and resentment inside. All these feelings for our mom and dad, locked inside, take away a huge part of our energy, a piece of our life that we could live in love and joy.
1. We have the right not to forgive. This is the first thing that is important to realize. Yes, many people really feel guilty for their anger or hatred and condemn themselves for it. And the fact that we do not give ourselves the right to feel what we feel does not move us towards forgiveness and love at all, but, on the contrary, blocks ALL our feelings for our parents. So, if for some reason we cannot forgive our mother or father now, we give ourselves the right not to do this for now.
2. After we have given ourselves the right to feel the feelings that we really have towards our parents, it is important to express all these feelings. In the Gestalt approach we work with the “hot chair”. We “sit down” one of the parents and tell him everything that is in his heart. There may be a lot of tears, there may be fear (after all, since childhood we were forbidden to say unpleasant things to our parents). It is often very difficult to do this on your own, then it is better to ask for the help of a psychotherapist. You can write if it is difficult to speak. At home, I spoke to my parents on my own, on my knees - it’s difficult, but it immediately establishes child-parent subordination. And this is also a serious job with pride.
3. First, we talk about our anger, resentment, and all the pain that we may have experienced in childhood. Then we can move on to our feelings of guilt. And guilt often appears after the anger comes out. Sometimes it appears earlier, like anger turned on oneself. So, we apologize to our parents for what obnoxious children we were. I think everyone will have something to apologize to them for.
4. Forgiving your parents and starting to love them does not mean establishing a relationship with them. And this is also important to realize and accept, no matter how painful it may be. Perhaps the parents are no longer alive, perhaps they are one of those people with whom it is basically impossible to be in a relationship. But if we manage to truly forgive them, it will become much easier for us to communicate with them. Then you can react to some of your mother’s “quirks” with a calm phrase: “Mommy, I love you too” and go about your life.
5. Everything that I have listed is not a matter of five minutes or one day. You can return to this for a long time. What matters is the intention, and then the opportunity will appear.
Forgiving parents hurts. All grievances, guilt, unspoken claims, like splinters, sit in our hearts. The heart is freed from them sometimes with burning pain. But at the same time it opens to love.