In previous tasks involving movement in one direction, the movement of bodies began simultaneously from the same point. Let's consider solving problems on movement in one direction, when the movement of bodies begins simultaneously, but from different points.
Let a cyclist and a pedestrian emerge from points A and B, the distance between which is 21 km, and go in the same direction: the pedestrian at a speed of 5 km per hour, the cyclist at 12 km per hour
12 km per hour 5 km per hour
A B
The distance between a cyclist and a pedestrian at the moment they begin to move is 21 km. In an hour of their joint movement in one direction, the distance between them will decrease by 12-5=7 (km). 7 km per hour – speed of approach of a cyclist and a pedestrian:
A B
Knowing the speed of convergence of a cyclist and a pedestrian, it is not difficult to find out how many kilometers the distance between them will decrease after 2 hours or 3 hours of their movement in one direction.
7*2=14 (km) – the distance between a cyclist and a pedestrian will decrease by 14 km in 2 hours;
7*3=21 (km) – the distance between a cyclist and a pedestrian will decrease by 21 km in 3 hours.
With each passing hour, the distance between a cyclist and a pedestrian decreases. After 3 hours, the distance between them becomes 21-21=0, i.e. a cyclist catches up with a pedestrian:
A B
In “catch-up” problems we deal with the following quantities:
1) the distance between points from which simultaneous movement begins;
2) speed of approach
3) the time from the moment the movement begins until the moment when one of the moving bodies catches up with the other.
Knowing the value of two of these three quantities, you can find the value of the third quantity.
The table contains conditions and solutions to problems that can be drawn up for a cyclist to “catch up” with a pedestrian:
|
Closing speed of a cyclist and a pedestrian in km per hour |
Time from the moment the movement begins until the moment the cyclist catches up with the pedestrian, in hours |
Distance from A to B in km | ||
Let us express the relationship between these quantities by the formula. Let us denote by the distance between points and, - the speed of approach, the time from the moment of exit to the moment when one body catches up with the other.
In “catch-up” tasks, the speed of approach is most often not given, but it can be easily found from the task data.
Task. A cyclist and a pedestrian left simultaneously in the same direction from two collective farms, the distance between which was 24 km. The cyclist was traveling at a speed of 11 km per hour, and the pedestrian was walking at a speed of 5 km per hour. How many hours after leaving will the cyclist catch up with the pedestrian?
To find how long after leaving the cyclist will catch up with the pedestrian, you need to divide the distance that was between them at the beginning of the movement by the speed of approach; the approach speed is equal to the difference in speed between the cyclist and the pedestrian.
Solution formula: =24: (11-5);=4.
Answer. After 4 hours the cyclist will catch up with the pedestrian. The conditions and solutions of inverse problems are written in the table:
|
Cyclist speed in km per hour |
Pedestrian speed in km per hour |
Distance between collective farms in km |
Time per hour | ||
Each of these problems can be solved in other ways, but they will be irrational in comparison with these solutions.
§ 1 Formula for simultaneous motion
We encounter formulas for simultaneous motion when solving problems involving simultaneous motion. The ability to solve a particular movement problem depends on several factors. First of all, it is necessary to distinguish between the main types of problems.
Problems for simultaneous movement are conventionally divided into 4 types: tasks for oncoming movement, tasks for movement in opposite directions, tasks for movement in pursuit and tasks for movement with a lag.
The main components of these task types are:
distance traveled - S, speed - ʋ, time - t.
The relationship between them is expressed by the formulas:
S = ʋ · t, ʋ = S: t, t = S: ʋ.
In addition to the above-mentioned main components, when solving motion problems, we may encounter such components as: the speed of the first object - ʋ1, the speed of the second object - ʋ2, the speed of approach - ʋsl., the speed of removal - ʋud., the time of meeting - tvstr., the initial distance - S0, etc.
§ 2 Problems involving oncoming traffic
When solving problems of this type, the following components are used: speed of the first object - ʋ1; the speed of the second object is ʋ2; approach speed - ʋsbl.; time until the meeting - tin; the path (distance) traveled by the first object - S1; the path (distance) traveled by the second object - S2; the entire path traveled by both objects is S.
The relationship between the components of oncoming traffic problems is expressed by the following formulas:
1. The initial distance between objects can be calculated using the following formulas: S = ʋsbl. · tbuilt-in or S = S1 + S2;
2. the speed of approach is found according to the formulas: ʋsbl. = S: tbuilt-in or ʋsbl. = ʋ1 + ʋ2;
3.meeting time is calculated as follows:
Two ships are sailing towards each other. The speed of the ships is 35 km/h and 28 km/h. After what time will they meet if the distance between them is 315 km?
ʋ1 = 35 km/h, ʋ2 = 28 km/h, S = 315 km, tint. = ? h.
To find the meeting time, you need to know the initial distance and speed of approach, since tin. = S: ʋsbl. Since the distance is known from the conditions of the problem, we will find the speed of approach. ʋbl. = ʋ1 + ʋ2 = 35 + 28 = 63 km/h. Now we can find the required meeting time. tbuilt-in = S: ʋsbl = 315: 63 = 5 hours. We received that the ships will meet in 5 hours.
§ 3 Tasks for chasing after movement
When solving problems of this type, the following components are used: speed of the first object - ʋ1; the speed of the second object is ʋ2; approach speed - ʋsbl.; time until the meeting - tin; the path (distance) traveled by the first object - S1; the path (distance) traveled by the second object - S2; the initial distance between objects is S.
The diagram for tasks of this type looks like this:
The relationship between the components of pursuit movement tasks is expressed by the following formulas:
1.The initial distance between objects can be calculated using the following formulas:
S = ʋbl. · tbuilt-in or S = S1 - S2;
2. the speed of approach is found according to the formulas: ʋsbl. = S: tbuilt-in or ʋsbl. = ʋ1 - ʋ2;
3.Meeting time is calculated as follows:
tbuilt-in = S: ʋbl., tbl. = S1: ʋ1 or tbuilt-in = S2: ʋ2.
Let's consider the application of these formulas using the following problem as an example.
The tiger chased the deer and caught up with it after 7 minutes. What is the initial distance between them if the tiger's speed is 700 m/min and the deer's speed is 620 m/min?
ʋ1 = 700 m/min, ʋ2 = 620 m/min, S = ? m, tbuilt-in = 7 min.
To find the initial distance between a tiger and a deer, it is necessary to know the time of meeting and the speed of approach, since S = tin. · ʋsbl. Since the time of meeting is known from the conditions of the problem, we will find the speed of approach. ʋbl. = ʋ1 - ʋ2 = 700 - 620 = 80 m/min. Now we can find the required initial distance. S =tbuilt-in · ʋsbl = 7 · 80 = 560 m. It was found that the initial distance between the tiger and the deer was 560 meters.
§ 4 Problems involving movement in opposite directions
When solving problems of this type, the following components are used: speed of the first object - ʋ1; the speed of the second object is ʋ2; removal speed - ʋstr.; travel time - t.; the path (distance) traveled by the first object - S1; the path (distance) traveled by the second object - S2; the initial distance between objects is S0; the distance that will be between objects after a certain time - S.
The diagram for tasks of this type looks like this:
The relationship between the components of tasks for movement in opposite directions is expressed by the following formulas:
1.The final distance between objects can be calculated using the following formulas:
S = S0 + ʋud. · tor S = S1 + S2 + S0; and the initial distance - according to the formula: S0 = S - ʋsp. t.
2.The removal rate is found using the formulas:
ʋud. = (S1 + S2) : t orʋud. = ʋ1 + ʋ2;
3. Travel time is calculated as follows:
t = (S1 + S2) : ʋud., t = S1: ʋ1or t = S2: ʋ2.
Let's consider the application of these formulas using the following problem as an example.
Two cars left the parking lot at the same time in opposite directions. The speed of one is 70 km/h, the other is 50 km/h. What will be the distance between them after 4 hours if the distance between the car parks is 45 km?
ʋ1 = 70 km/h, ʋ2 = 50 km/h, S0 = 45 km, S = ? km, t = 4 hours.
To find the distance between cars at the end of the journey, you need to know the travel time, the initial distance and the speed of removal, since S = ʋstr. · t+ S0 Since the time and initial distance are known from the conditions of the problem, we will find the speed of removal. ʋud. = ʋ1 + ʋ2 = 70 + 50 = 120 km/h. Now we can find the required distance. S = ʋud. · t+ S0 = 120 · 4 + 45 = 525 km. We found that after 4 hours there will be a distance of 525 km between the cars
§ 5 Problems involving motion with a lag
When solving problems of this type, the following components are used: speed of the first object - ʋ1; the speed of the second object is ʋ2; removal speed - ʋstr.; travel time - t.; the initial distance between objects is S0; the distance that will become between objects after a certain amount of time - S.
The diagram for tasks of this type looks like this:
The relationship between the components of motion tasks with a lag is expressed by the following formulas:
1. The initial distance between objects can be calculated using the following formula: S0 = S - ʋstr. · t; and the distance that will become between objects after a certain time is according to the formula: S = S0 + ʋsp. t;
2. The removal rate is found using the formulas: ʋstr.= (S - S0) : t or ʋsp. = ʋ1 - ʋ2;
3. Time is calculated as follows: t = (S - S0) : ʋstrength.
Let's consider the application of these formulas using the following problem as an example:
Two cars left two cities in the same direction. The speed of the first is 80 km/h, the speed of the second is 60 km/h. In how many hours will there be 700 km between cars if the distance between cities is 560 km?
ʋ1 = 80 km/h, ʋ2 = 60 km/h, S = 700 km, S0 = 560 km, t = ? h.
To find the time, you need to know the initial distance between objects, the distance at the end of the path and the speed of removal, since t = (S - S0) : ʋstr. Since both distances are known from the conditions of the problem, let us find the speed of removal. ʋud. = ʋ1 - ʋ2 = 80 - 60 = 20 km/h. Now we can find the required time. t = (S - S0) : ʋsp = (700 - 560) : 20 = 7h. We received that in 7 hours there will be 700 km between the cars.
§ 6 Brief summary of the lesson topic
With simultaneous oncoming movement and movement in pursuit, the distance between two moving objects decreases (until they meet). For a unit of time it decreases by ʋsbl., and for the entire time of movement before the meeting it will decrease by the initial distance S. This means that in both cases the initial distance is equal to the speed of approach multiplied by the time of movement until the meeting: S = ʋsbl. · tbl.. The only difference is that when there is oncoming traffic, ʋbl. = ʋ1 + ʋ2, and when moving after ʋsbl. = ʋ1 - ʋ2.
When moving in opposite directions and with a lag, the distance between objects increases, so a meeting will not occur. For a unit of time it increases by ʋsud., and for the entire time of movement it will increase by the value of the product ʋsud.· t. This means that in both cases, the distance between objects at the end of the path is equal to the sum of the initial distance and the product ʋstr.·t. S = S0 + ʋstr. · t. The only difference is that with the opposite movement ʋstr. = ʋ1 + ʋ2, and when moving with a lag ʋstr. = ʋ1 - ʋ2.
List of used literature:
- Peterson L.G. Mathematics. 4th grade. Part 2. / L.G. Peterson. – M.: Yuventa, 2014. – 96 p.: ill.
- Mathematics. 4th grade. Methodological recommendations for the mathematics textbook “Learning to Learn” for grade 4 / L.G. Peterson. – M.: Yuventa, 2014. – 280 pp.: ill.
- Zach S.M. All tasks for the mathematics textbook for grade 4 by L.G. Peterson and a set of independent and test works. Federal State Educational Standard. – M.: UNWES, 2014.
- CD-ROM. Mathematics. 4th grade. Lesson scripts for the textbook for part 2 Peterson L.G. – M.: Yuventa, 2013.
Images used:
Page 1
Starting in 5th grade, students often encounter these problems. Even in elementary school, students are taught the concept of “general speed.” As a result, they form not entirely correct ideas about the speed of approach and speed of removal (this terminology is not available in elementary school). Most often, when solving a problem, students find the sum. It is best to start solving these problems by introducing the concepts: “approach speed”, “removal speed”. For clarity, you can use the movement of the hands, explaining that bodies can move in one direction and in different directions. In both cases there may be a speed of approach and a speed of removal, but in different cases they are found differently. After this, students write down the following table:
Table 1.
Methods for finding the speed of approach and speed of removal
|
Movement in one direction |
Moving in different directions |
|
|
Removal speed |
| |
|
Closing speed | ||
When analyzing the problem, the following questions are given.
Using hand movements, we find out how bodies move relative to each other (in the same direction, in different ones).
Find out how speed is found (by addition, subtraction)
We determine what speed it is (approach, distance). We write down the solution to the problem.
Example No. 1. From cities A and B, the distance between which is 600 km, a truck and a passenger car came out simultaneously towards each other. The speed of a passenger car is 100 km/h, and that of a cargo car is 50 km/h. In how many hours will they meet?
Students show with their hands how cars move and draw the following conclusions:
cars move in different directions;
the speed will be found by addition;
since they are moving towards each other, this is the speed of approach.
100+50=150 (km/h) – approach speed.
600:150=4 (h) – time of movement until the meeting.
Answer: in 4 hours
Example No. 2. A man and a boy left the state farm for the garden at the same time and are walking along the same road. The speed of the man is 5 km/h, and the speed of the boy is 3 km/h. What will be the distance between them after 3 hours?
Using hand movements, we find out:
boy and man moving in the same direction;
the speed is found by the difference;
the man walks faster, i.e., moves away from the boy (removal speed).
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We have many reasons to thank our God.
Have you noticed how every year, God's organization actively and decisively moves forward with a multitude of gifts!
The heavenly chariot is definitely on the move! At the annual meeting it was said: “If you feel like you can’t keep up with Jehovah’s chariot, buckle up so you don’t get thrown out at the turn!”:)
The prudent servant is seen to ensure continual progress, opening up new territories for preaching, making disciples, and gaining a fuller understanding of God's purposes.
Since the faithful servant does not rely on human strength, but on the guidance of the holy spirit, it is clear that the faithful servant is led by God's spirit!!!
It is evident that when the Governing Body sees a need to clarify any aspect of the truth or to make changes in organizational order, it acts without delay.
Isaiah 60:16 says that God's people will enjoy the milk of the nations, which is advanced technology today.
Today in the hands of the organizationa site that connects and unites us with our brotherhood, and other new products that you probably already know about.
It is only because God sustains and blesses them through his Son and the Messianic Kingdom that these imperfect people can achieve victory over Satan and his wicked system of things.
Compare the 2014, 2015, and 2016 editions of the December and January issues of The Watchtower and Awake.
And below is from 1962.
The Watchtower magazine is in blue and the Awake magazine is in red.
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The Watchtower's circulation has grown to 58,987,000 million since January 2015 and is already translated into 254 languages. On the first page of this magazine, there also appeared a plan for presentation in ministry.
Incredible! And they say that miracles don’t happen! This circulation is a real miracle!
What a success our publications have!
Since August last year (2014), our site's ranking has increased by 552 positions, thus improving by 30 percent.
This is an absolute record for non-commercial sites.A little more and we can enter the top 1000!!!
Why do they do this?
Imagine a sinking ship. There are, among other things, three groups of people.
The first ones are trying to feed the passengers.
The latter offer warm fur coats.
Still others help get into boats and get off the ship.
Everyone seems to be doing good. But what kind of good makes sense in this situation? The answer is obvious! What good is it if you feed and clothe someone, but he still dies? First you need to transfer from the sinking ship and get to a safe place, and then feed and warm.
Jehovah's Witnesses do the same thing - they do good for people that makes sense.
As this materially focused world languishes with spiritual hunger, let us develop an appetite for spiritual food.
Let us not fall into the trap of materialism!
Paul pointed out THREE TIMES who and how we should show concern?
1Ti 2:1 Prayers should be offered “for people of all kinds”
1Тм 2:4 It is necessary “that men of every kind... come to an accurate knowledge of the truth.”
1Тм 2:6 Christ “gave himself as an adequate ransom for all”
What will help us to deeply care for everyone and reach all kinds of people with our preaching?
To do this, you need one very important quality that Jehovah possesses - impartiality! ( Ac 10:34)
Indeed, Jehovah is “no respecter of persons” (attitude) and “shows no partiality toward anyone” (deeds)
Jesus preached to all kinds of people. Remember, in his examples, Jesus spoke of people of different backgrounds and social status: about the farmer sowing seed, about the housewife making bread, about the man working in the field, about the successful merchant who sells pearls, about the hard-working fishermen who cast their nets. (Matthew 13:31-33, 44-48)
Fact: Jehovah and Jesus desire for “all kinds of people to be saved” and to receive eternal blessings. They don't put some people above others.
Lesson for us: To imitate Jehovah and Jesus, we need to preach to people of all kinds, regardless of their race or life circumstances.
God's organization has already done a lot for those who speak a foreign language, immigrants, students, refugees, those living in nursing homes, in gated communities, entrepreneurs, prisoners, the deaf, the blind, adherents of non-Christian religions and others.
]Currently in Russia, under the supervision of a branch of 578 congregations, they are assigned to take care of preaching the good news in the correctional institutions that are assigned to them. Many of these places hosted congregational meetings, group and personal Bible studies. Preaching in such places helps many to “put on a new personality” and serve the true God, Jehovah. Yes, it is important to continue to sanctify the name of God!
Therefore, let us appreciate everything that happens in God's organization. Let us learn to skillfully use publications issued by a faithful servant, which are designed so as to touch the hearts of people of all kinds. After all, how we teach ourselves will determine how we teach others.
In this way we will show that we are deeply concerned about the “desired treasures from all nations” that still need to be brought.
Surely we, like Peter, have learned the lesson:
“we have nowhere to go” - there is only one place, being in which we will not lag behind the chariot of Jehovah and will be under the protection of God the Creator, Jehovah (John 6:68).
– Is it worth continuing a relationship if you and your partner have different speeds?
We are sitting in one of the small hotels in Nepal and, according to tradition, we are playing out a question. This is the last day in the mountains and the last time we take anonymous notes. We are 14 people from different countries and cities, we have just completed a trek to the Langtang Valley and Gosaikunda Lake.
Even at the start, in Kathmandu, all the track participants chipped in on an anonymous question. I, the presenter, took out one every evening and read the next problem out loud, which gave rise to discussion, and sometimes even debate, through the prisms of different experiences, understanding of the situation, or misconceptions - an everyday matter.
Our last evening in the mountains has arrived. I once again unfold the piece of paper, read first to myself, and then to everyone:
“Is it worth continuing a relationship if you and your partner have different speeds?”
You can already hear the sound of air being drawn into your lungs. Over the three years of conducting such conversations, the statistics remained unchanged - questions about relationships were always the most popular. The group was preparing for a lively discussion.
But everyone was ahead of everyone by that special quiet and calm timbre of voice that only happens to a person who doesn’t have to prove anything:
“My thirty years of experience in marriage suggests that it is impossible to always have the same speed of movement with your partner,” said Olga, one of the participants in our hike. And she continued:
– One way or another, there will be moments when one will be faster and the other slower. And a situation will inevitably come when they change places, of course, if we talk about long-distance relationships.
True, I no longer heard anything - like other opinions, if there were any that evening. Once every couple of years, if I’m lucky, life brings me together with a phrase-book that endlessly unfolds its meaning. One day, something like this was accidentally seen somewhere: “You cannot find yourself, you can only create yourself.” Words that not only stunned me to the core, but also literally turned my whole life upside down. That evening was special. I came across another phrase-book that could be read endlessly:
It is impossible to always have the same speed as your partner over a long distance.
I spent a long time spinning around these words, trying to unravel their meaning. I felt the truth behind them. But if with other phrases I only had to push slightly and I was ready to write a whole book, here it didn’t go beyond a pleasant tickle, which is the essence. The texture of my own experience was missing. Then I came to Olga with a request to “return the serve.” Answer my questions that arise around this topic.
Olga responded easily.
About different speeds of movement of partners and relationships over a long distance
Served by Olesya Vlasova, author of the Re-Self blog. Married for 9 months (in a relationship - 3 years). Beats – Olga Vakhrusheva, business consultant, married 32 years. When we met, Olga was 15 and Nikolai was 18 years old. They got married as soon as Olga turned 18. They have been living in New Zealand for 22 years, where they moved from Novosibirsk. Olga and Nikolai have two children and two grandchildren.
– What should the faster one do? From the outside, the story that in a long-distance relationship cannot always have the same speed for both partners sounds beautiful, and most importantly, one feels that there is truth behind these words, but from the inside everything is not so simple and obvious. What should the one who is ahead today do? Should I help the second one? Or vice versa - leave him alone and not “drag him along”? And how to find peace in such a situation?
– For me, the statement that in a long-distance relationship both partners cannot always have the same speed is an axiom. Just like the fact that two people building relationships are a priori different, two independent, unique individuals. Neither is perfect. But this is clear to me now.
When I was younger, I tried to build our family relationships based on previously unviable principles: we must always do everything together and in complete mutual understanding, we must be one, love is a gift that happens to you, which you find if you’re lucky .
In practice, everything turned out to be wrong, of course. And attempts to tie reality to a far-fetched ideal caused misunderstandings, resentment, and quarrels that could have been avoided if the original views of the world had been more viable.
I don’t know what’s going on in young heads now and what ideas your generation grew up on, but in our time, girls from early childhood have seen and heard something like the following:
- In fairy tales and films: a prince on a white horse will definitely gallop to the princess, he will love her more than life itself, they will live happily ever after, and he will solve all her problems.
- From the conversations of older women: a real man should... And further down the list: earn money, provide, be a support, be smart, caring, an excellent father, a loving husband, gentle, understanding, and so on. (in fact, many of these definitions are mutually exclusive).
- From the same source: there are no real men in the world. You can't count on them. Either they are drunkards, or lazy and henpecked, or heartless careerists. You need to keep everything under control and, in fact, you can trust a man with caution.
So my head is a complete mess of ideas. There is only hope that the ideal relationship will happen on its own or that he will make you happy. But now it’s clear that no one can make another person happy (no matter how hard he tries). This is an internal process that runs parallel to steps towards each other.
I return to your main question. What should someone who is faster do today? The answer is I don’t know. There is no universal answer for everyone. Sometimes you need to help, sometimes you need to leave him alone, sometimes you need to give a guiding kick (with love). Often you just need to mind your own business, not panic, but make it clear that you are here, you are nearby and you care and love. If we are talking about two adequate people, and not about pathology, then simply understanding that this is not forever usually helps a lot.
In addition, there are often objective reasons for reducing speed:
- Difference in temperaments (you have to learn to live with this if you want to save the relationship).
- Health problems that a man often doesn’t talk about, and a woman invents God knows what.
- Problems at work or in business (which he also most often does not talk about until he figures out what to do about it).
- Some big changes that you need to understand before you take the next step.
- The difference in age (and, accordingly, in speed).
- Hormonal changes.
- Finally, fears. Of which men have no less, and maybe even more, than we do, but there is no one to go to for help.
And here we are with our own speeds and personal growth. In general, as my experience shows, this question arises more often among young girls.
- So let's talk about the young girl. She believes (whether this is objective or not is another question), at least it seems to her that she is doing more - taking care of work, children, home. But he doesn't. Does not help. Does less.
- Yes, it's familiar. It seems like he owes me. I earn money, and I also have children. Claims. Expectations. After three years of marriage, it begins - socks in the hallway, said something wrong, done something wrong.
We need to understand the reasons. Analyze. Is this a temporary decrease in speed or is this the nature of lying on the couch? The second is unlikely to be close to a girl who is active in life. But there may be other reasons. Very often we ourselves do not give our men a chance to get involved in the process.
For example, we voiced the problem (and often we didn’t voice it at all, but we hope that he will guess it himself). He hasn’t yet had time to comprehend the problem, but we are already rushing to do and solve everything ourselves. Well, why would he then run a race with us? Or why did you tell him about the problem then?
Or he did something, and we are unhappy - he did it wrong. Well, once it’s wrong, the second time it’s wrong, and then you won’t even want to move (would you want to?). Why not pose the question differently: “This is my area of responsibility, and this is yours. How and what you do is your decision, but the expected result is such and such.” He may stumble once, perhaps he will forget, and then he will figure it out. If we believe that he will sort it out, and don’t snort at every point.
This applies to everything. Starting with the basics: instead of declaring with resentment in your voice that he never takes out the trash, and you do everything yourself, by yourself... And you also get tired... and further in the text. It’s more productive to say: “Darling, let’s do this: taking out the trash in the house is on you. I'm counting on you." That's all. And forget. And can't stand it. And don't remind me. Even if the house starts to stink. He will also feel it, and remember, and throw it away, and will already remember.
It is also very important to set specific tasks for our partner and ask clearly and clearly for what we need. What are we looking for help with? They simply don't see many things. They don’t even know about their existence at first. And they can’t read our thoughts. It’s much easier to say: “Honey, I’m sewing up in the kitchen, please hang out the laundry and put the kids to bed.” If the man is adequate and is not busy at this moment with something important, then the issue is resolved. What does a young woman usually do? He rushes between the kitchen, laundry and children, waits for him to understand (this is obvious), becomes Satanic, gets offended. Or you could just say it.
The same rules apply in relationships with your son. Apparently, boys perceive such language better.
And it is important to realize such a simple thing that if at the moment a woman (or man) is stronger in a relationship, this does not mean that she (he) is always right.
– What about those who become weaker at some point and can reflect on this? After all, this is also hard. A man, of course, but also a girl capable of introspection will feel uneasy: for some reason she is not in a rut, maybe she’s pregnant, maybe, I don’t know, an illness or something, but he has a career, an upswing, development, movement. This is jealousy, and anxiety, and just a feeling of one’s own worthlessness can come out. Have you ever had this happen?
– Yes, just when moving to New Zealand. From the very beginning we relied on my husband. He had the language, and he immediately went to study and work. I came home tired, but on the rise and with a lot of interesting information, acquaintances, plans. And I felt completely lost. I couldn’t do the simplest things myself (I don’t speak the language, I don’t drive a car, I don’t know how the bank works, I have no friends, my husband can’t provide support - he’s not at home all day, he has two small children in his arms). And a month ago I owned businesses, advised people, taught, taught others what and how to do.
It helped to realize that this was happening to me. That is, it is important not to deceive myself and not to look for those to blame, but to describe with maximum honesty the situation in which I currently find myself.
- What's happening? Where am I now?
- Is this a temporary inconvenience or a real problem?
- How did I end up here?
- What doesn’t suit me about the situation?
- What can I do to change the situation?
- Outline real steps.
- Take these steps.
- Check the result with the target and make adjustments if necessary.
- Move on.
In principle, I solve all my problems using this algorithm. The most difficult thing is usually to realize your emotions, remove yourself emotionally from the situation and turn on your head. Sometimes I give myself permission to “be hysterical and feel sorry for myself” for another week, and then get down to business. Usually works.
Trying to ignore your emotions and fears definitely doesn’t work. It’s easier for me to say to myself: “Okay, I’m afraid of this scenario. Fine. Hello, fear." Next, ask yourself the question: “What will happen in the worst case scenario if the fears come true? Is it deadly? What would be option B? Can I live with this? Most often, the answer is that you can live with it and it’s not really that scary. And then the energy appears to look for options and move on.
The first months in New Zealand were painful: the complete loss of social contacts, status, skills, understanding of how to earn money, how life and society work, the transformation from a sociable professional into a mute “nothing.” But there were children in our arms, so it was impossible to fall into complete hysterics. Therefore, a month later I started learning the language (which is another detective story). Six months later I went to work as a volunteer in a bureau to support poor families (overcame my fear of communication, gained local experience and contacts), and after another six months I started working in my specialty. Well, go ahead.
– What is the most important thing in a long-distance relationship?
— From what I have seen in my life, from communicating with couples who have lived a long life together and are happy together (and, by the way, there are plenty of them, but somehow very little is said about this in modern media, more and more about problems ), – a simple trend emerges very clearly in the relationships of these couples.
All happy couples have mutual trust. I have not seen a single couple where people did not trust each other and lived happily. It is impossible to live with a person and constantly expect a catch. This is a life of endless fear and stress. For both.
I also know couples where things are not easy. Mistrust fills their world. From the outside it is clear that the most distrustful person usually has big problems with self-esteem, and besides, he (herself) has sinned precisely in what his half suspects, or had a very bad life experience, or his expectations are very unrealistic.
That is, we return again to the issue of our own fears, unrealistic expectations and other cockroaches in our heads. The partner most often has nothing to do with it at all. You need to understand yourself. In certain cases, you probably need to contact a specialist who can help specific people in a specific situation.
– How can you gain basic trust? Have you worked on this?
“I was lucky: I never lost him.” The feeling of a shoulder and a covered back was fundamental for me from the very beginning of the relationship. And this is what helped me go through different stages, including segments in which we moved at different speeds. I know that my man will never resort to deep, thoughtful meanness, that he will act in accordance with his basic principles and his nature. So I perceive any problems and misunderstandings as problems and misunderstandings. If the basis is trust and the absence of a knife in the back, then everything else can be solved. I guess I can say that my trust is a choice. And I do it every day.
- And jealousy?
– If deep down you understand that anything can happen in life, and you are ready to let your man go in a situation where his happiness will be somewhere else, then the reason for jealousy disappears.
In this regard, the issue of lying in relationships arises. The more you strive to control every step of your partner, the more you dream of merging into a single whole and do not leave him personal space, the greater his need to lie and dodge. Sometimes - so as not to disturb you, sometimes - because it’s easier, it happens because you don’t understand how to do it. I know from myself as a child. I grew up with an extremely controlling mother, where the forces were unequal, and I am not one of those people who follows the lead. So, if possible, save your loved one from the very need to lie, give him space, the opportunity not to answer all the questions you ask and not to report on every step. The more you believe in your man and in your man, the better and more comfortable you both are.
It is very important to learn to respect your man's decisions. We do not always understand the logic, reasons and expected consequences, but not everything needs to be understood mentally. This is also a necessary component of trust, and I had to learn it.
– Olga, are you and your husband similar? What conclusion do you draw after so many years together?
- No, we are not alike.
- So how to be together with someone who is not like you? What to do with this dissimilarity?
- We are not alike, but we complement each other. I am very interested in his view on problems and situations. I’m just interested and warm with him. He constantly generates ideas. It makes you look at many things from a different angle and from a different perspective. You begin to understand that there can be different answers to the same question and they both have a right to exist. It is possible to accept that we disagree on some issue. This approach makes life together very interesting and eliminates reasons for conflict.
This otherness can be enjoyed. Get high. Definitely don’t try to avoid it or smooth it out (tested - doesn’t work). As with everything, the first step is to recognize the ways in which you are different. Does it complement and enrich your shared “we” or are these fundamental differences that make it impossible to be together? If the differences are fundamental and you are incompatible, the answer is clear - the sooner the couple understands this, the better.
If these are just two different selves, then why not a task for personal growth? Learn to enjoy your differences, learn to be flexible, learn to be tolerant of the person closest to you. Probably, you can learn much more when you are around someone who is different. See and recognize yourself from a completely different side.
– You started a relationship at a very early age. And these are colossal personal changes - what you are like at 18, 28 or 48 years old. Completely different people, as a rule. How to continue to love each other despite all these changes?
— While you both are growing, changing, learning, talking about problems, overcoming them together, raising children, doing things together, reading and discussing, relaxing, you are developing a huge joint history, gratitude to each other for the outstretched hand in time, for the warmth, for a hint, for love, for faith... I think that this joint growth only brings us closer together. The main thing is that you talk to each other when something goes wrong, and do not move in fundamentally opposite directions.
“I was preparing for the meeting and with horror I came across the thought of my early youth that divorce is normal. Like, if something goes wrong, it’s a divorce. This is fine. I don't know what it was. Or the consequences of an era when a new level of openness and accessibility created this trend. Or the lack of good examples before my eyes... But I can remember my 20-year-old self, seriously discussing this. And it seems like it’s really normal to separate, if that’s what happened. But something else horrified me - along with thoughts about divorce, there was not a single thought that, in fact, building relationships is much more normal. Working on them, strengthening them, making a conscious contribution, the need to go through difficult areas. Have you instilled thoughts about such work in your children? And how important is it to talk about it?
“I think this is vitally necessary.” It is important to teach this to children, and even better, to show it by example. That is, it’s not enough to talk, you must definitely live your life the way you speak. Children sense falsehood a mile away, and absorb emotions and family atmosphere like sponges. What was torment and search for Nikolai and me becomes obvious things for them.
My children and I talked and talk about this a lot, especially in adolescence and now, when they are building their relationships and raising their children. By the way, both say that at some point our example caused difficulties, since the bar was set too high. What is obvious and understandable to them is not obvious to their other halves.
It would be great if mothers and society more often voiced such things:
- Happy, harmonious relationships do not “happen” - they are built by two loving people.
- Before entering into a long-term relationship, set your expectations. Try to understand what is important to you now and in later life (children - their absence, career - home, life in a big city - on an island in the ocean, gentle - grasping). It is clear that this will all change many times, but trying to understand your life priorities helps a lot.
- Check the coordinates with your chosen one. Do you agree on the most important issues?
- Your half is a living person, not an ideal. With all the ensuing consequences. In certain situations, you may not like him, and this is normal and does not mean the death of the relationship. It's like with children. I love my children very much, but this does not mean that I always like them in everything. (Am I clear?)
- He can't always want what you want (and vice versa).
- Your half is not your copy, but another person. Your task is to hear and understand him. Although it will most likely not be possible to fully understand. So accept this difference as a fact of life and don’t try to change it (fundamental personality traits, I’m not talking about socks in the hallway).
- The state of happiness and harmony in a relationship is not constant. It comes and goes, but it definitely returns if the couple does not run away at the first problem situation. And with each such return, the feelings become deeper and more tender (you and I have been through so much together, we have already understood so much about each other).
– Before the first quarrel, it seems that the relationship will always be smooth, small roughnesses don’t count, after the first quarrel it seems that this will never resolve and that this scar is forever. Both you and your partner. Comment from the height of your experience.
– Quarreling without insulting is also a science, this will come with time, but there will also be breakdowns. We perceive the same words differently. One and the same thought can be presented in such a way as to seek a joint solution, or it can be so that both will lick the scars. The tone is important, the moment is important, how the phrase is constructed is important. You need to understand why the quarrel happened - because you were tired, sick, overheated, or there is a structural problem in the family that needs to be solved? It is very important not to get personal. We women suffer from this often.
What can we do about it? How to avoid such passions in the future? How can we talk about a patient without offending or blaming? Why did you (me) have such a reaction to the remark (question)? I didn’t put that meaning into it, that’s not what I meant. There could be anything there - childhood fears, previous negative experiences, incorrect guesses and second thoughts, our tone and construction of the question. We need to talk about this. Often not immediately, but when the fuse has cooled down and you both have calmed down. But leaving such things unthought is dangerous.
On the other hand, it is advisable to learn to take things more simply. (Oh, how long it took for me to understand this.) Don’t try to be perfect, don’t try to build ideal relationships, give yourself and others the right to make mistakes. Understand that it is normal to argue and make peace (the question is how this happens), that there will never be complete mutual understanding (this is a myth). Learn not to make mountains out of molehills. Many “problems” do not need to be corrected or deeply reflected on them; it is better to simply forget (as they say, “we’ve passed, that’s all”).
In short, despite the seriousness of the issue, try not to take life together and relationships too seriously. And there is no need to persistently and endlessly improve everything (yourself, him, relationships), often our imperfections are the highlight that keeps us together.
Woman: “Free your loved ones from your claims and expectations.”
Man: “Don’t forget that your husband is also a person. Don’t blow his mind unless absolutely necessary.”
Somehow like this.
For starters, I want to voice an important idea for me, which is not directly related to your questions and, perhaps, will not cause a resonance yet.
Sometime in real life, we all face death, come to the edge and realize (not with our minds, but with our hearts) that we are all here temporarily. Both ourselves and the people we love. After such an “insight” (if you don’t hide your head in the sand out of fear), comes a more careful attitude towards yourself and those around you, and the ability to appreciate the banal little things in life, and most importantly, to receive joy and pleasure from them. This makes life beautiful and filled with love. Maybe if you filter your reactions, relationships, problems, fears through the filter of mortality, then many issues that seem serious will go away by themselves.
Hug tightly.
In addition, Olga prepared topics for independent analysis in the field of relationships and a better understanding of both herself and her man.
Olesya Vlasova
P.S. Friends, for 5 years now we have been conducting retreats, expeditions and mountain treks in different parts of Asia. The goal of our programs is to free the mind and body from tension, restore strength and start the rhythm of conscious changes for the better. Our tools are yoga, meditation, freediving, the practice of silence, the right atmosphere for a full transition and the good company of like-minded people. If you were looking for a place where you can fully switch and qualitatively rethink the current “settings” - we are nearby.