The topic today is interesting and useful. It came to my mind after some events that happened in my family. It was then that I finally realized that I was suffering from a terrible disease, its name is hyper-responsibility.
This disease prevents me from developing and living life to the fullest. She smothers me with her sticky paws, depriving me of any chance of success. What is hyper-responsibility and how to deal with it - that’s what we’ll talk about.
Hyper-responsibility: Who else but me?
There is no one else! There is no one to do, for example, general cleaning. Imagine: a house full of people, but no one to do the cleaning! No one to trust!
I can clean even at night! Because I can't stand dirt. Is it possible to leave it for the next day? In general, it’s easier for me to do everything myself than to ask someone and trust someone. And then I complain that no one does anything. But I taught them to do this myself!
General cleaning is just a little detail.
hyper-responsibility in everyday life
People who have a sense of hyper-responsibility tend to take responsibility for everyone around them. So, a woman may be tormented by guilt because she introduced her friend to a man, and their family life did not work out. So what if she didn’t quarrel with them? I introduced you! Now both are unhappy...
When a person suffers from hyper-responsibility, he takes on too much. So much that he forgets about himself, his problems and experiences. The feelings and troubles of others come to the fore. Moreover, no one places their problems on him; he takes them on himself and is painfully worried that he cannot create an ideal life around him.
Experiences deprive a person of peace and joy. He constantly feels responsible for everything that happens, wants to save and protect everyone. He wants to destroy all the dust on the planet, reconcile those who have quarreled, protect the oppressed and punish the guilty. What a judge! System Cleaner! Is it just me, or is there something of a megalomania in this?
I know from my own experience what hyper-responsibility is. Want an example? Please. My older sister keeps having personal problems, and I feel with every cell of my brain that I have to somehow solve them. No, don’t get involved in your own business, but decide. So that everyone can finally feel good.
My other sister cannot find a life partner. And again, this is not my problem (if it is even a problem). But I worry about this too, as if someday they will ask me for how well she has settled in life.
When a problem arises in my family, I understand that those directly affected by it worry many times less than I do. How long will this last me? I’m actually surprised how I was able to earn money this month, considering that all my thoughts are about other people’s problems?
If you don't want to get yourself into trouble, always share responsibility.
Paulo Coelho
So, the diagnosis is clear, we will look for a cure... What to do with hyper-responsibility?
Symptoms of hyper-responsibility
Let's define them point by point again so as not to inadvertently confuse them with something else.
You are hyper-responsible if:
- you take on other people's problems;
- you worry too much when you let someone down (even over trifles and not on purpose);
- you can’t sleep at night because of heavy thoughts, or you wake up and fall asleep with disturbing thoughts;
- you constantly worry about what you cannot solve;
- you take too much responsibility for everything in your life;
- you feel like everyone is riding you,
I will explain the last point. The fact is that people around have a keen sense of “who needs it most.” Having found such a person in their environment, they begin to play along with him. They seem to say: “Do you want to be responsible for my life? Okay, bring it, it’s easier for me...”
By doing this you are doing your loved ones a disservice. They really lose the habit of taking responsibility for themselves. Who should be blamed for this then? It’s you who are so zealous in solving their problems. And then you also complain that everyone who is not too lazy rides on you...
You may also ask, what does “too responsible” mean? Is it possible to have too much responsibility for your life? It turns out, yes, it can. Life is unpredictable, not everything in it can be regulated. This is not a TV with a remote control: I set it up the way I wanted.
There are many things in life that we cannot influence, no matter how much we would like to. An overly responsible person constantly experiences anxiety and guilt. These feelings are like sisters. At first, a person worries that he won’t be able to do something, and if he still didn’t do it (or did it wrong), he begins to suffer from guilt, which in itself contributes to anxiety. Vicious circle.
Hyperresponsibility: reasons for development
Where does the prefix “hyper” come from for responsibility?
Everything comes from childhood. It is possible that:
- As a child, you were constantly told: “Be responsible!”, “It’s time to grow up and be responsible for your actions.” The calls are correct, but excessive concentration on them is wrong. At first, your strict “overseers” were your parents, but now you don’t let yourself go.
- You matured a little earlier than necessary due to some difficult circumstances. The death of a father or mother, the need to care for an elderly grandmother or earn money - all this leaves an imprint on character at an early age. And if in childhood you were pressured by circumstances, now you yourself are looking for these circumstances, because you are somehow not used to living without additional burden.
- They had high hopes for you.“You will grow up big, become rich and help your family” or “Study, our family simply must have a high-class surgeon” or “You must win the competition. The prize amount would be a great help for the family budget.”
For example, I think about myself this way: my hyperresponsibility (the psychology of which is always very similar) developed due to the second and third points. And, as I remember now, as a child I tried to fulfill the role of the father we did not have. That's why I always wanted to be strong in order to solve all the problems of the family. And until I was eleven, I generally thought that being a boy was better than being a girl, so I was very worried that I happened to be born a “weak” girl.
Now I don’t think so, but the habit of carrying everything on myself, even in my head, remains.
Why is hyper-responsibility bad?
Hyper-responsible people live someone else's life, constantly worry, do not find peace, do not feel the joys of life, are nervous a lot, get sick and die faster. I'm serious.
You need to live with comfort in your soul. With the realization that the beauty of life is its unpredictability. That she needs to be accepted as she is. That troubles must be accepted, no matter how difficult they are, and solvable difficulties must be solved to the best of one’s ability and ability.
You need to see the limits of your responsibility and not encroach on someone else’s. Are relatives having problems? Help them, but with the understanding that the problems are not yours, it is not for you to solve them. And it was not your mistakes that led to the development of these problems.
The solution to many problems may be choosing a way to earn money. Recommend to your loved ones or use it yourself:
How to get rid of hyper-responsibility?
Take a pen and write down... Or print out this article. Better yet, put it on the wall of your favorite social network.
Be confident
Everything is “hyper” - from uncertainty. We are trying to prove to ourselves that we mean something, that we can do something. And often we overdo it. In addition, insecure people are very concerned about what others think. What if someone considers me a loser and a weakling? We must prove the opposite no matter what!
Give others the opportunity to take charge of their own lives.
Well, really. Don't think that everyone around you is incapable of solving problems. They are capable. But give them this opportunity - just retreat, and they will have nowhere to go. And if they don’t know how to bear responsibility, let them learn. This doesn't concern you. Even if you see that the person is solving the problem incorrectly. You can give a recommendation and that’s it. This is where your area of responsibility ends. Let go of your hyper-responsibility.
Learn to share responsibility with others
Let me give you an example. Will an enterprise whose manager tries to do everything himself be successful? He comes up to the accountant and says: “Ugh, how ugly you have drawn up this statement, well, let me do it myself.” Or he passes by the cleaning lady and remarks: “But the dust could be wiped off better, give me a rag.” Or he sees the system administrator and takes the screwdriver from him: “It was necessary to stretch the cable so ugly!”
- You don't know how to take responsibility for your own actions.
- Can you?
- But I don’t need it! I'm a fucking teddy bear!Third wheel (Ted)
And it’s also good if this is not a production manager, otherwise the person would work extremely hard, running from machine to machine and back! Who is running the company at this time? Yes, the jester knows! The manager has no time, because he alone knows how to work conscientiously.Conclusion: know how to delegate responsibilities and duties.
By the way, about proper relationships in a team:
Make compromises with yourself
And if you can’t see them, find them and go. In life you constantly need to make choices. A hyper-responsible person takes on everything and tries to do everything perfectly. But this is impossible. Therefore, try to make compromises.
Imagine the situation: you agreed to go shopping with your loved one, but suddenly a lot of urgent matters fell on you. A hyper-responsible person will try to get things done and go shopping, despite being tired (I promised!).
Why can't you reschedule your shopping? Or cancel it altogether. Is your loved one offended? Why does he think it is possible to dispose of your time at his own discretion?
Set goals and priorities wisely. If you don't do it, someone will do it for you.
When you have a goal, you know what to strive for and what means to achieve it. When it’s not there, you’ll be scattered about anything, in particular, solving other people’s problems (you don’t have enough of your own, you still need more).
Do what is important to you first. The principle of “pay yourself first” works not only in business, it is quite applicable in life. If you solve your problems, please, you can help others.
Keep a diary
I know from myself that hyper-responsible people tend to dwell on problems, think about them constantly, which is why even a microscopic difficulty acquires universal proportions. Paper will endure anything. Pour everything that’s brewing in your head onto her and forget about it. Then you re-read it and realize how meaningless your experiences were.
Always ask yourself: is this my business? My problem? If not, get it out of your head. Anyway, if you get in, no one will thank you. They will also make you guilty.
Hyper-responsibility. Conclusion
Remember: a false sense of duty only creates new problems, but does not solve them. Therefore, learn to separate the true from the false, the grain from the husk. And let the hyper-responsibility syndrome pass you by!
Question: Hello! I talked with the teacher, to which she told me in detail about my child, about her behavior. As the teacher explained to me, there are very few children like my daughter in the group. She is mature for her 5 years, she thinks correctly, is responsible, tries to cover everything and have time to do everything. She believes that everything should be done well; the teacher called this hyper-responsibility.
Basically, the children in the group are ordinary, no different, but Vika is very active and she needs to learn everything new and interesting, for example, she can draw, sit and draw all day long, because she likes it.
This child’s desire to constantly be busy with something - is it normal or not? In principle, there is no such thing that she does something through force, she always does only what she likes. I wouldn’t say that she is very smart or abstruse, she’s just appropriate for her age, well, she can read and count, but many children can do this.
So the question is: who are they, children with hyper-responsibility - are they children with a certain charisma who want to be singled out, listened to, and paid attention to? From the teacher’s stories, I realized that only Vika helps her lead all the holidays, participates in all events, she herself wants this.
I just want to somehow relax her, not stress her, we even offer her activities that do not excite her nervous system, for example, drawing.
Sincerely, the Lazovsky family.
Anastasia Komarova, psychologist answers:
Hello! Your letter conveys concern for your daughter. It is clear that you are worried about what is happening to her; how she develops and grows is important to you.
But, to be honest, it is difficult for me to answer your letter, since the question you are asking is not entirely clear. There is also a lot of information “from third parties” (educators), which means some of it (during the transfer process), unfortunately, is lost. Nevertheless, let's try to understand the questions that are raised in your letter.
First: hyper-responsibility (excellent student syndrome). This is a collection of certain visible manifestations of a person in different life situations.
Indeed, such people try to do everything “excellently” and receive only excellent assessments of their activities. In adulthood, this may (or may not) develop into perfectionism - the desire and desire to do everything better than others and only perfectly. It’s as if these people have been taking an exam all their lives. At school - only the best grades, at work - the best employee, the ideal wife, the best mother, and so on. This requires enormous effort. And the worst thing is that a person is deprived of the opportunity to be himself, to believe that he will be loved for who he is, deprives himself of the right to make mistakes, and relies in everything on the assessment of others!
But in life, everything is not always perfect. This is where the fear of “getting a bad mark” comes in! How a person will react to a situation of failure depends on his personal and psychophysiological (temperament, characteristics of the course of nervous processes, excitability) characteristics. It’s hard for me to say what structure your daughter has. This fear is especially relevant in primary school age (first - second grade) and in adolescence, when it is very important for a teenager how others perceive him, what “grade” they give him.
-...It’s just that this child’s desire to constantly be busy with something is it normal or not, in principle there is no such thing for her to do something through force, she always does only what she likes.....
Guys, keep in mind that this publication about hypercontrol and hyperresponsibility is just a psychology textbook. So bookmark it, there’s a lot of useful stuff here.
Let's start our conversation with a fairy tale.
A tale of hypercontrol and hyperresponsibility
Once upon a time there was a girl, let's call her Nastya. And she was in constant stress because she was trying to manage everything and control everything. (This fairy tale, by the way, is about me in the past. So, I experienced everything firsthand.)
Nastya spent all day taking care of her husband and children, redoing work for her colleagues and carefully making sure that the whole family ate properly. Friends really loved to go on vacation with Nastya, because they knew that she would first long and painstakingly study all possible hotels and tours, choose the best, register everyone for the flight, take with her a first aid kit (which could put the Israeli army on its feet) and bring 5 suitcases just in case.
Nastya’s husband often lost money and documents, the children forgot everything they could at school (from notebooks to homework), and their friends “didn’t understand” how to do something, and asked Nastya to tell/help/do it for them.
Was life easy for Nastya?
No matter how it is, the syndrome of hyper-responsibility and hyper-control kept her in a state of overstrain and on the verge of burnout:
- Nastya constantly had headaches/back/shoulders,
- but she waved her hand at herself
- and ran to do things,
- because “who, if not me”
- or “they won’t do so well.”
What do you think awaits Nastya in the near future if she doesn’t loosen the reins?
What awaits you if you don’t stop being such Nastya?
Hypercontrol test
Do you want to know if you have hypercontrol and responsibility?
Here's a test for you, take it and sign it.
To pass the test, answer “yes, it's about me” or “no, it's not about me” to the following statements:
- You think you can do better than those around you;
- You are a walking diary and reminder - remember all important dates and events;
- Know where all the important documents are, remember how much money is kept in the bank;
- Love to plan (sometimes you even plan how you will plan);
- As a child, you were a headman, a counselor;
- Management puts more workload on you than other employees;
- Without you, your husband forgets his keys/money and loses his receipts. Children are unassembled - you help them collect their briefcase, check their lessons, etc.;
- You feel anxious when things don't go according to plan;
- When getting into a car/minibus, you try to choose a seat near the driver;
- You like to play it safe and have a plan B, C, D...
If you answered “Yes” to at least 6 questions, then hypercontrol is your friend, comrade and brother.
Living with him, of course, is possible, but it’s not easy (I went through this stage, and remember Nastya from the fairy tale) - ... psychosomatics catches up, stress overcomes, but all these are consequences. And in order to eliminate the consequences - to get rid of hyper-responsibility and hyper-control, you must first deal with the causes.
Causes of hypercontrol
Let's figure out where the legs grow from those who are hyper-controlling.
Let's start, as always, with childhood.
The child was given more duties and responsibilities than he could handle
This is just about me - at the age of 8 I was already going on tour without my parents. Of course, my friends’ mothers were looking after me, but I had to pack my things and dress for the stage myself, put on makeup, try not to get lost in a foreign country, etc.
Parents who did not provide support
For example, a mother who was abandoned by her husband (or depressed, or fired) and who now cannot piece herself together falls apart, like Clinton’s alibi in the Monica Lewinsky case. The consequences for a child are tragic, so I always say: if you have lost your support and self-confidence, do not be afraid to consult a psychologist or sign up for a course “PROpump yourself”! Just imagine how scary it is for children when they see and feel that the main person in their life, their support and support, has melted away like ice cream in the sun.
Counterdependent "runaway" parent
Who often deceived or did not keep his promise. In this case, what remains for the child? That’s right, take care of yourself, and also control your parent so that he doesn’t let you down. Should we talk about trust? I also think it’s not worth it, because there is no trust in such relationships.
Karpman Triangle, where you were a lifeguard
It doesn’t matter who was saved from what - dad from alcohol, mom from fatigue, parents from divorce, or cared for a very sick grandmother.
You mirror a significant adult from childhood
For example, a military father, for whom everyone walked to the line, or a mother, a head teacher at a school, who was used to managing, instructing and controlling stupid children.
I have listed only 5 reasons, but they are the main ones.
Now let's move on to the main thing.
What does the person who controls everything get?
- POWER
- SAFETY
Why? Because he knows that everyone around him depends on him (for example, he holds all the vouchers, assigns everyone to their numbers, and therefore is indispensable for everyone), and thus he raises his own importance in his own eyes (I was the one who did all this, did it well , I'm done).
Plus, when a person’s basic trust in the world is undermined, he permanently feels in a danger zone (for example, he lives with the confidence that his mother will leave at any moment, will not fulfill a promise, or will not do something). Such a child begins to control not only his mother, but also everything around him, because in this way he provides himself with a sense of support and security.
What did we end up with?? People who control everything and everyone already have a certain formed neurosis, but this is not only possible, but first of all, you need to work, because the consequences are very sad.
Hypercontrol: how to get rid of it
What to do to get rid of the desire to control everything and everyone. By the way, this information is useful for everyone, even if hypercontrol is not typical for you.
Well, let's get started!
Massage
Hypercontrol and constant tension always take their toll on the body. First of all, the back, shoulder girdle, and knees suffer. What to do? Massage is your friend (at least 2-3 courses). For me, working in an office in a managerial position did not pass me by, and my massage therapist and I are still dealing with the consequences.
There is also a great exercise for trust and relaxation
when you just lie down on the water and relax (I do this in the farthest corner of the pool and enjoy it). You need to lie down for at least 20 minutes at a time!
All doubles sports
it’s also about trust and relaxation, when you need to trust your partner and/or coach, and not rely only on yourself.
- At one time, scuba diving really helped my client. There, in principle, you can’t control anything and you need to trust the instructor.
- Hot air balloon flights there too.
All these actions are very difficult for people who are accustomed to controlling everyone and everything, and therefore choose sports where not everything depends on you and, willy-nilly, you will have to rely on someone - this takes you out of your comfort zone.
Build new neural connections in your head
How? Break the patterns! For example, are you used to studying the hotel you plan to stay in under a microscope? Do you constantly read all 100,500 reviews about it and if at least 1% are negative, then look for a new hotel? Then let go of the situation and move into a place where there are simply beautiful photos, the sea is close and the price suits you.
I call the next method “Don’t care, girls, let’s dance”
You know, sometimes there are situations that you have no control over at all, but you still hang around like a fish on a hook and get nervous. For example, a flight was canceled or something like that. Can you influence this? No. Then why be nervous and torment yourself? A clogged bolt is a guarantee of health.
Switching attention
If you feel like “we need to control, we need to control,” then switch your attention! Agree with a loved one that he will take on control functions on some trip/work.
"I have to do this, no one can handle this task better than me, I have to help everyone, arrange everything, figure everything out, I have to be good and correct“... Such thoughts often visit a person with hyper-responsibility.
The birth of this feeling lies deep in the origins of childhood. It is the hyper-responsibility syndrome that appears against the background of parental attitudes and desires.
A person is born, and his psyche is a blank sheet of paper. Gradually, his consciousness is filled with attitudes from outside, loaded with foreign programs. Which subsequently prevents a person from living and breathing to the fullest.
Parents are also children of their parents. And such programs can be carried from generation to generation. And parents themselves are often filled with expectations and attitudes that they were unable to implement in their lives and transfer them to their children. Is it worth reproaching them for this if your life has turned into an eternal race in a wheel of endless tasks? Of course not. The task here is rather to become aware of alien scenarios and beliefs, free yourself from them and begin your creative life.
Hyperresponsibility is the desire to take on obligations that may not even apply to you. And this is important to realize.
How can you diagnose yourself with hyper-responsibility syndrome?
Please note the following factors:
- You are often overloaded with a lot of things to do.
- There is never enough time for anything.
- You are constantly presented with new tasks, which you take on with great reluctance.
- You have a feeling that you always owe everyone.
- The concerns of your loved ones and colleagues come first.
- You feel responsible for other people's feelings and experiences (as if you were playing a major role in it).
- It seems to you that not a single matter will be solved without you, and you definitely need to control everything.
- You are greatly annoyed by irresponsible people who try to make everything easier and faster.
- You cannot refuse your mom/dad/brother/sister/grandmother help, because without you everything can collapse, fall apart and sink into oblivion.
Do you recognize yourself in this? Then hyper-responsibility is for you. And now is the time to look into this issue.
Excessive responsibility is cultivated, groomed and cherished from early childhood.
When unfinished homework seems like a disaster to parents. When, at any cost, you urgently need to finish the job, and only then fall asleep peacefully, even if you only have five minutes left to sleep. Guilt often plays an important role. The belief is formed that if something happens, then I will be to blame, and in order not to experience this feeling, it is necessary to prevent inevitable difficulties.
Parents convince that the child must do everything perfectly, never let anyone down and be true to his decisions and word.
But life often presents us with different situations, as if it poses a challenge. And then hyper-responsibility leads to the fact that it becomes harder to breathe, there are a lot of things to do, there are more people suffering to receive help, and there are fewer and fewer of you. Needless to say, it is almost impossible to achieve internal integrity here.
There have also been cases in practice when a person feels responsible for the weather, traffic jams, events occurring in another country. Yes, and people firmly believe that they are responsible for such things, and could do something to prevent it.
What to do if you have developed hyper-responsibility, which is already seriously interfering with your life?
- Start working with boundaries. A person with a similar syndrome, alas, usually has no boundaries. As a child, people could enter his room without knocking, and his pockets and bags were checked with enviable regularity. In essence, a feeling was formed that personal space was either impossible, or shameful, or was simply called “bad.” And where it’s bad, there’s no love.
- Think about your own desires, beliefs, dreams. What do you really want? After all, if you don’t take time for yourself, then in a few years you will have no interest in anything in the world. You just want to lock yourself within four walls and hide from the whole world.
- Determine your area of responsibility at work and in relationships. Your husband is sad - this does not mean that he is sad because of you; the wife is worried - this does not mean that you are the cause of the worries. Mom feels bad, but that doesn’t mean you have to drop everything and run to save her. The boss doesn’t have time to prepare a report - this does not mean that you should quit your work and sit at the computer all night. Learn to separate flies from cutlets. There is your time, which you have planned, and there is the time of your family and colleagues. And if someone did not warn in advance, then it is no longer your responsibility.
- There must be balance in everything. Your responsibility is first and foremost to identify important tasks for yourself, and to let others know that these are a priority. At work, this is a list of job responsibilities. At home, this means delineating time for business and household chores. If you know that this Saturday you will need to do something for yourself, then just warn your loved ones that you will be busy from 10:00 to 12:00. All other things come after. This way you delimit your space and the space of others.
Probably, the reader could now have a protest on the topic: " It is impossible for a boss to refuse to fulfill some requirements"Believe me, this is solely because he is already accustomed to assigning his tasks to you. He knows that you will not refuse and will do it. After all, you are a responsible employee.
By the way, hyper-responsible people have a manipulation hook. When they are called very responsible, such people melt and soften, like cheese in a frying pan. It's so important to be responsible. But in reality, you are setting traps for yourself. And the best part is that you can get out of them yourself!
Do you want to explore the issue of hyper-responsibility more deeply? Make an appointment with a psychologist. You will discover a lot of interesting things about yourself and your life. And you can even change and improve a lot.
Good luck to you on your journey!
, Comments to the post Hyper-responsibility disabled
Hyper-responsibility is a quality that becomes stressful if a person feels responsible for too much or for another.
Hyper-responsibility is usually accompanied by anxiety and a feeling of guilt for not doing things on time, for taking a vacation, for being a minute late, for taking sick leave or for refusing.
If you suffer from an exaggerated sense of responsibility, then it is probably difficult for you to share things with someone, you try to do everything yourself, because this is the only way you will be sure of the result.
The reason for the development of such excessive responsibility is the inflated expectations of parents. A hyper-responsible person usually has very demanding and critical parents.
Some parents cannot weigh what is normal for a child and what is excessive, and therefore, with the best intentions, they always demand more from the child than he can.
Every child really wants to please their parents, so children often develop the ability to do the impossible and feel obligated to do even more. For some, however, such a parental attitude may cause hopelessness and a lack of any responsibility and initiative. After all, if no matter what you do, you fail to achieve success, then eventually you stop trying.
What to do if hyper-responsibility prevents you from living?
1. Reconsider your beliefs about what you should.
This is difficult to do on your own, because the sense of duty is established in childhood, along with the knowledge of what exactly you owe. When you believe in something all your life, it seems self-evident, without question. But with the help of a psychologist, you can figure out what really is a duty, and what you can choose to do or not, depending on other priorities.
2. Work on the feeling that your desires always come second.
You and your desires are no less important than the desires of others around you, but this is difficult to admit for those who are accustomed to putting others first.
3. Divide areas of responsibility.
If there is another adult next to you, do not take on his affairs. If it seems to you that he cannot do something, think about it again: can he, with some effort, still do it himself? Are you being fairly compensated for this effort, that is, is there anything else this person does for you in return.
4. Do self-assessment.
Sometimes low self-esteem, the feeling that you are not worthy of anyone's love, or the fear that others will abandon you if you are not perfect or meet all their requirements lead to hyper-responsibility, which, however, does not eliminate the constant feeling of guilt and feelings of failure .