When a mother is not concerned about her career and making money, but can calmly take care of the children, this is, of course, good. “Distance” parental education has previously been fraught with what is commonly called “neglect” in official parlance. And with the current decline in morals, it is all the more dangerous to rely in such an important matter on strangers and, by and large, people who are not responsible for much, referring to one’s own childhood experience: they say, “school won’t teach you bad things... no one really cared about us - and nothing , grown up...” It’s wiser to keep your finger on the pulse.

I don’t know about other cities, but in Moscow and the Moscow region, whose residents en masse go to work in Moscow, in the last decade there have been many women who have the opportunity not to work, but to look after their children. Moreover, these are not necessarily “wives of oligarchs,” as some people think, who do not have a very good idea of ​​the current Moscow reality. The fathers of such families can be computer scientists, lawyers, managers, PR specialists, journalists, editors, and television people. Someone has their own small or medium business. Some are engaged in construction and renovation. Someone is a driver. There are plumbers, electricians, architects, and designers who make good money. And even (to a person who thinks in outdated stereotypes of the Yeltsin era, this may seem like utter nonsense)... many teachers and doctors. Someone inherited an apartment and has the opportunity to rent it out. Some young families are helped with money by their parents (also not necessarily oligarchs). In short, over the last decade active people have somehow adapted to a new life, although, of course, fathers in such families have to work a lot. Sometimes even with overlap: you often hear complaints from women that their husbands are workaholics and practically do not see their wives and children. But the wife can no longer worry about earning money and can calmly take care of the children.

So what? If mom is at home, are all problems solved? Not at all. New ones may arise, expected in principle, but not always expected. Which?

Day and night - a day away

Yes, at least the problem of laziness! People, as you know, are different: some are active, active, collected, others are prone to relaxation. The first ones always find something to do; they have self-control and a sense of responsibility since childhood. The latter, even in adulthood, need “shoulders” and an “external corset.” Left to their own devices, they cannot organize their time and easily slide into a “vegetative” existence: “after eating, now you can sleep; We’ve slept, now we can eat.”

Of course, when you have several children, you won’t get much sleep, but sometimes you hear from people with many children that time goes up like smoke down a chimney. It seems like we just got up - and it’s already evening. And they didn’t go anywhere, and didn’t start cleaning, and there’s a whole heap of unwashed laundry lying around. However, here the impression of wasted time is rather subjective. A mother with many children usually has so many worries that you just have to turn around. And it naturally takes more time to peel potatoes for five or six children’s mouths than for one or two, and how many plates need to be washed and noses wiped in a day. And you also need to console these people, separate them, caress them, or, conversely, punish them... Before you know it, it’s already night outside.

Undoubtedly, there are also lazy people with many children, whose houses are in ruins, their children are neglected, they are starving - in a word, orphans with living parents. But here it’s not just laziness, but alcoholism or serious mental pathology. So serious that it drowns out even the maternal instinct that lies at the core of female nature. And although there are many such cases, we will not talk about them, since these people are unlikely to be among our readers. And they need much more thorough help than just reading books and articles.

Those mothers who do not suffer from the above-mentioned defects, but simply tend to relax too much, should often remind themselves that the more you relax, the more tired you become, since the will, like muscles, atrophies without training. I remember how about fifteen years ago, one friend, having celebrated her 70th birthday, said that in order to maintain her vitality, she now needed... to increase the load. Therefore, in addition to all her previous activities (despite her advanced age, she continued to work in the field of education and, in addition, was actively involved in social activities), Maria Petrovna took care of her first-grader granddaughter, who had to be taken to school and to clubs.

How do you have enough strength to do everything? - I was amazed, looking at the dry, little old woman.

“And it’s like when you’re running a long distance race,” she smiled, “you suddenly get a second wind.” Well, after 70, if you want to live longer, you need the third one to open. After all, modern people are physically very underutilized.

Doctor V.A. holds similar views. Kopylov, who headed the first Problem Research Laboratory of non-drug treatments in the USSR and developed a unique method of “external pain stimulation” (EPI), with the help of which he managed to put thousands of seriously and even fatally ill people back on their feet.

“In my opinion, God has given only one way to strengthen and improve - spiritual and physical tension,” writes Dr. Kopylov. “In all effective methods of treatment and health promotion... effective training systems, rational diets, the healing factor is tension.” And he adds: “It is a very common opinion that pathology arises from overstrain of an organ or system. My entire 35-year experience of treatment indicates the opposite: tension, even very strong, of any organ or system does not lead to their weakening. On the contrary, organs that have not received sufficient tension for them become ill... It is the lack of tension that leads to weakening of the organs and is the cause of the disease.”

However, without resorting to scientific justification, but simply from my own experience, I have repeatedly been convinced: as soon as you give yourself (or rather, your laziness) free rein, your health sharply worsens. Idleness sucks you in like a swamp. A state of chronic relaxation and loss of strength sets in. And with them - annoyance at their weakness. When you get into the working rhythm, the body mobilizes, the day becomes longer and busier. And the fatigue that occurs in the evening is perceived in a completely different way - as a natural result of a day not lived in vain.

To discipline yourself a little, I would advise people who tend to relax to use the simplest techniques of introspection and analysis. For example, every evening sum up the results of the past day: what we managed to do, what we didn’t and why; set some goals for yourself, learn to plan time. This is necessary not only for “personal self-improvement,” as they once said, but also for raising children.

Don't try to embrace the immensity

It is also not always easy for active, energetic women to adapt to the role of a stay-at-home mom. Having decided to devote themselves to the child, they sometimes load him up like a camel with activities and demands. And they stubbornly refuse to notice that he is already falling off his feet. And if the intention to “give the child the maximum” is mixed with the desire to overcome his complexes through him (from the series “since I didn’t succeed, at least let him succeed”), then persistent irritation may arise. Psychologically, this is understandable: it is easier to be angry with another than with yourself. And here there is double irritation: at yourself and at “that guy.” It is no wonder that children become neurotic and begin to show negativism and disobedience.

Nine-year-old Katya, having crossed the threshold of her home, changed beyond recognition. At school she was an efficient, neat girl, she didn’t quarrel with her friends, and didn’t cause any criticism from the teacher. Entering the apartment, Katya not only began to be capricious, but sobbed hysterically, collapsed on the floor, and did not want to take off her winter boots and coat. Preparing lessons, attending clubs, getting ready for school in the morning and going to bed in the evening - everything happened “with a fight.” Her mother was terribly tired of her and, when she talked about what was going on with them, she looked like an unhappy victim of a little tyrant. But it quickly became clear that when Katya behaves well, her mother is not particularly happy. She focuses much more on the bad. And, while verbally wanting to improve the situation, he does not do quite simple things that lead to the desired result. So, the mother did not agree to reduce the load in any way, although the girl was clearly exhausted, since she studied in two schools: in a gymnasium with a rather complex program and in a music school, and she also went to the pool, dances and English. It was difficult for mom to once again praise, caress Katyusha, play with her, feel sorry for her when she needed pity.

If you ask such a mother to compare her character with the character of her child, and then mark the listed traits with plus and minus signs, then the abundance of negative characteristics will be very clear. Moreover, mothers can evaluate their character in different ways; there will not necessarily be a “game of contrasts.” Often the mother has a low opinion of herself. But although the son or daughter clearly inherited the mother’s traits, this does not justify them in her eyes. On the contrary, the more dissatisfied she is with herself, the more fiercely she fights. Just not with your sins and shortcomings, but with your childish nature.

And then sometimes you ask yourself: “Is it really so good that your mother doesn’t work? Maybe it would be better for her to spend less time at home, entrusting the upbringing of the child to someone who will not make excessive demands on him and project her dissatisfaction with herself and life onto him?”

Of course, deep psychological problems cannot be resolved in a purely mechanical way. Even if this helps, it will only be partly. And it remains to be seen how it will come back to haunt us in the future. It is better to understand your feelings and put them in order. But it’s still worth redirecting some of the energy in another direction. This is not always easy for responsible mothers to do, because they are consumed by guilt. It seems that by doing something extraneous, they will not give the child enough attention and will miss some chances in his development. However, the constant, close (especially with a minus sign!) attention of an adult overstrains children, and harmonious development presupposes a certain degree of freedom so that the child has time to rest, digest impressions, and become interested in something himself. Existing in a constant rush, when you need this, and that, and the fifth, and the tenth, is tiring for most children. Sooner or later there is a feeling that mom needs all this, not them. Whining and refusals begin. And mom, of course, sometimes feels sorry for the wasted energy. She feels resentful and disappointed because the child did not live up to her hopes. And more and more new claims are being added to the already accumulated claims...

Darling Mommy

There is one more temptation that awaits a stay-at-home mom. Sometimes she is so passionate about motherhood that she literally bathes in it, trying to completely dissolve in the child. This happens especially often when the child is late and has suffered and been begged for. And while he is small, such a merger delights and touches. Especially now, when so many mothers strive to quickly move away from the baby and do much more important and interesting things, in their opinion.

But if this fusion lasts for a long time, it becomes unnatural. After all, in order for a child to grow up normally, he needs to separate from his mother and gradually gain independence. And we’re not just talking about overprotection here. A mother may very much encourage her son or daughter to be independent, but at the same time she lives exclusively in their interests, nothing else worries her. There is such a type of woman - “darlings”, beautifully described by A.P. Chekhov. They can be treated differently. In Soviet times, it was common to laugh. And even now, I think, young people mostly perceive him with contempt. But in fact, this is an image of all-giving love and self-sacrifice. Yes, Chekhov, of course, was ironic. As a personality, his heroine is secondary, she does not have her own opinions and interests. And even - this follows from the plot - she does not have deep feelings. Whoever happens to be nearby is the one she loves. In this sense, her love is omnivorous and superficial. Chekhov's Olenka Plemyannikova does not correspond to the Russian ideal “but I was given to someone else and I will be faithful to him forever.” And therefore, unlike Pushkin’s Tatiana, she does not inspire admiration.

But, on the other hand, the dominant feature of Chekhov’s image is the desire to love. It overwhelms the heroine’s soul. It is important for her not to receive, but to give. She absolutely sincerely and selflessly loves those who are “close” to her at the moment. Her love “does not seek its own.” Olenka does not betray or abandon anyone. In it, for all its secondary nature, there is not an ounce of frivolity. Separation from beloved beings is not her fault. What at first looked like a caricature, like a grotesque, at the end of the story is perceived completely differently. In the story about the heroine, not at all satirical, but touching, poignant notes appear. And (so, at least, it seems to me) many men who in their youth would have laughed at such a “darling”, chasing something (or rather, someone) bright, independent and original, in a more mature age would not away from having a life partner like Olenka. After all, if you look at it, this is a wonderful wife: faithful, respectful, caring, and an assistant to her husband in everything. Many great (and not only) people had just such wives. Only in an age spoiled by emancipation does such an image seem like a caricature.

But a husband is one thing, and a child is another. The mother, completely dissolved in his interests, begins to be perceived by him as something official, dependent, an appendage. She loses her place in the family hierarchy established by God, and therefore loses her authority. The egocentrism inherent in children, which parents must and can limit by the power of their authority, in such cases blossoms in full bloom. Children demand that their mother give up household chores and do only them. At the same time, they do not appreciate her care at all, do not strive to take care of her themselves, are very reluctant to respond to requests for help, but are terribly indignant if for some reason their requests are refused. In preschool and primary school age, they try to demonstratively capture the mother’s attention in the presence of third parties, do not allow them to talk to a friend on the street or even with a teacher, pull on the sleeve, insisting on going home immediately, make faces, and whine. The appendage mother has no right to get sick, tired, or upset. All this causes discontent and anger in children, accustomed to the fact that their mother exists only to serve their children's needs.

But even in those rather rare cases when the child does not sit on such a mother’s neck, but on the contrary, their relationship develops idyllically - they are inseparable and understand each other perfectly, sooner or later the child begins to feel burdened by such a symbiosis. Mom still, out of inertia, talks about him as “we”: “We failed at school,” “we got a B in math.” And he already needs another “we” - school and some other friends. And that's completely normal. Husband and wife are one flesh. In a harmonious relationship, the longer they live together, the more related they become. Children, on the other hand, are destined to leave their father and mother, go out on “independent voyages”, acquire friends, acquaintances, get married, clinging to their soul mate. And they are secretly psychologically preparing for this.

By the way, in the mentioned story by Chekhov, the completely different reactions to the “darling” of adult men and the schoolboy Sasha are very accurately described. Men gladly accept her care; they like that she dissolves in their interests and “sings from their voice.” The boy, whom Olenka carefully takes care of as a mother and escorts to the gymnasium, “becomes ashamed that a tall, plump woman is following him; he looks around and says: “You, aunt, go home, and now I’ll get there myself.”

And he brushes off her instructions: “Oh, leave it, please!” (Today's less noble-bred children usually express themselves more rudely.)

For a mother, who for many years lived exclusively in the interests of her children, their distance can be very painful. There is a feeling of emptiness, uselessness, confusion and melancholy. It may even seem like years have been wasted (although this, of course, is not true). Often the mother cannot come to terms with the child’s changed status, perceives her son-in-law or daughter-in-law as an annoying nuisance, or, on the contrary, tries to disappear into the life of the young family, again causing annoyance with her excessive care and importunity.

Where is the husband?

By the way, where is the husband in this idyll? Does he have a place in it? Is it a coincidence that such a protracted symbiosis more often occurs in single-parent families, with single mothers, or when married people live nearby, but not together, and the woman feels like a straw widow? No, of course, not by chance. This is an unconscious attempt to restore family harmony and find support. And since a small child, for obvious reasons, cannot be a real support, a distortion arises.

But now our topic is not raising children in a single-parent family, but the problems that a non-working mother may face. And she risks facing the fact that her preoccupation with motherhood can create friction in a completely prosperous family. Although if work takes a lot of time and effort from a husband, he will not necessarily notice it right away. And maybe he’ll even be happy at first. After all, many wives, sitting at home and not being particularly busy, tend to be jealous of their husbands for their affairs. And then the wife switches to the child, and the husband feels more free. But sooner or later he will begin to feel like a third wheel, and resentment will creep into his soul. It may seem to him that only his salary and help with housework are needed, that he is being “used.” In youth families (and youth now stretches out for quite a long time!), where relationships tend to have a lot of passion and maximalism, and where teenage selfishness has not yet been overcome, conflicts of this kind flare up especially often. A common scenario: while there were no children, the spouses did not quarrel and seemed to understand each other; and when the child was born, resentment and quarrels began.

Of course, sometimes the husband behaves like an overgrown child, competing with his son or daughter for the attention of “mommy.” There are many such cases now, since a whole galaxy of spoiled, infantile men have entered fatherhood, who in childhood did not have before their eyes an example of a caring, responsible head of the family, behind whom you feel like behind a stone wall. But it often happens that this is not the case. The husband is just trying to enter a new role that is not yet familiar to him. And the wife, having become a mother, does not show proper tact towards him, does not understand that a man does not and, in principle, cannot have the same umbilical cord connection with a child as a woman. And, trying to judge him by himself, he is sincerely perplexed: what is he dissatisfied with? Why am I not ready to discuss for a long time such interesting topics as choosing the right feeding regimen, the “right” diapers, educational games, toys, and activities? Why do you get annoyed when you come home from work if your children demand attention? They miss him, but for some reason this doesn’t touch him... No, of course, he pays them a little attention, but then he declares that he wants silence, and he turns his attention to the TV. Although there is no trace of silence there...

In fact, it often turns out that the husband has little interest in the children because the wife has little interest in her husband. The so-called “negative transfer” occurs: resentment towards the wife unconsciously extends to the children, since they are connected with their mother into a single whole. Of course, you can’t react like that, because the children are not to blame for anything. But since this is a fairly common scenario for the deterioration of family relationships, it is better to keep in mind the peculiarities of male psychology and avoid making mistakes that lead to the development of such a scenario. This is an archetypal plot: the breadwinner husband returns home after a hard day, where a caring wife and obedient, loving children are waiting for him. Whether we like it or not, this is a story for all times, for all cultures and societies. It still exists in our collective unconscious. Even if we have never seen these idyllic pictures in our lives, they are still invisibly present in our perception. And when something goes “wrong,” we feel it, albeit vaguely, and give the appropriate reaction.

On the other hand, a wife (at least in our culture) is traditionally expected to be a helper and adviser to her husband. Remember the life of the holy believers Peter and Fevronia, who from ancient times were considered the patrons of the family in Rus'. Remember one of the favorite images of Russian fairy tales - Vasilisa the Wise.

With husbands, however, unlike an arm or a leg, the matter in such cases much more often ends in a “surgical operation” - divorce. Moreover, if we recall the archetypal and, alas, too common plot in our time, how a family is broken up, we will see that homewreckers usually catch someone else’s husband on the hook of “understanding”: they show a lively (albeit often feigned) interest in his personality , express solidarity, emotional support, respect and admiration. Such “misunderstood” people in the family and those who find “understanding” on the side are a dime a dozen. Well, they try not to take into account the fact that in a new family, which they then try to build on the ruins of the old one, the story of “misunderstanding” may well repeat itself, because if you leave a place where you feel bad, naturally you want to hope for the best.

Koshcheeva needle

Attention to the husband’s personality, to his work and those people who are dear to him, the sharing of his interests contributes not only to the strengthening of the family and the harmonious development of children, but also to one’s own, as they sometimes say now, “personal growth.” (Of course, we are talking about normal interests, and not about what, on the contrary, provokes degradation.)

And here we come to what is perhaps the main problem, which is often kept silent in discussions on the topic “work or motherhood,” but which, it seems to me, gives rise to an inexplicable, at first glance, intensity of passions around this topic. The fact is that the attitude of society and the state towards non-working mothers is very ambiguous. In words, everyone is for the family and for the fact that children need to be taken care of. In reality, legislators and officials, with tenacity worthy of better use, continue to build themselves into the ugly globalist structure, the designers of which did not and do not hide the fact that the traditional family in this “global world” must die out along with all its outdated stereotypes about the role of father and mother , about the unconditional value of parental love and other similar nonsense. Hence the ongoing attempts to impose sex education on school education, which is nothing more than methodical and massive anti-childbearing propaganda. Hence the initiatives to introduce a juvenile justice system in Russia, turning parents into powerless scapegoats, and officials working in this system into infallible priests with the power to destroy almost any family and take away its children. Hence the imposition of sexual perversion as a new norm and the demand to “stop discrimination based on sexual orientation,” allowing sodomites to enter into official marriages, adopt children, and work as kindergarten teachers and school teachers. Hence the obstacle to real measures to support the family and the birth rate. As you know, even the notorious maternity capital, which was introduced with great difficulty overcoming the resistance of the “birth controllers,” mainly exists only on paper. Most mothers have a chance to receive it only in the distant future, as an increase to their pension, which it is still unknown whether they will be able to live up to.

In short, our integration into the “brave new world”, which Aldous Huxley described in some detail at the dawn of its creation, is happening, although it is somewhat slowed down due to the fact that people (mostly Orthodox), who understand what this threatens, are actively expressing their disagreement. But no fundamental change in the process of embedding has yet occurred.

And in the “brave new world,” as is clear from Huxley’s novel and from the very logic of the destruction of the family, the word “mother” was classified as super indecent; socialized people never used it. The concept of “motherhood” was abolished as unnecessary, because children were born from a test tube and from infancy grew up in “educational communities” - nurseries, kindergartens and schools, under the watchful supervision of the relevant professionals who were responsible for the formation of the personality needed by the state.

Of course, Huxley is not a pioneer here. These utopias are like a joke - with a very big beard. (Only, unlike a joke, there is nothing funny in them, since in real life it is always a sea of ​​tears and blood.) It’s just that Huxley, in my opinion, most succinctly, vividly and intelligibly reproduced the image of a globalist utopia at the present stage of “human development” . And a lot of his futuristic novel has already come to life!

No, the word “mother” has not yet become completely taboo. Although, as we know, steps are being taken in this direction, and since February 2011, in the documentation of the US State Department, the words “mom” and “dad” have been removed from official use. When submitting applications for official documents, the forms will now indicate “parent No. 1” and “parent No. 2.” “The State Department explained,” Larisa Sayenko writes in the article “The United States is abolishing the word “mother”,” “that the previous gender identification of “father” and “mother” contradicts modern realities: in the United States, a same-sex family has firmly staked out its rights, and a whole generation of young Americans is not should feel inferior just because they have “two daddies.” Like the surrogate child of Briton Elton John and his partner, whom the couple showed to the world the other day. According to estimates for 2005, almost 300 thousand children are growing up in non-traditional American families. It can be assumed that over the next five years their number has only increased.”

It is clear that the matter will not be limited to official documents. Soon, school teachers and kindergarten teachers may receive instructions that talking to children about “mom” and “dad” is not tolerant. Back in 1997, NG-Religion published an article with the characteristic title “Catholics in Ireland will soon forget the word “mother”.” It described a Catholic program to introduce “expedient civility in the classroom.” At that time, tolerance was associated, however, not with the problem of homosexuality, but with the growing number of single-parent families. But this did not change the essence of the issue. In the program, intended for children 4-5 years old, educators were recommended to use the combinations “adults who live in your home” and “people who raise you” instead of the traditional words “father” and “mother.” In 1997, more than 100 children were already studying under this program.

Gradually, “intolerant” words are leaving communication at the everyday level. Especially if their departure is facilitated by the application of various punitive sanctions. Whether the word “mother” will suffer the same fate, time will tell. But time has already shown that the attitude towards motherhood has changed over the 20th century thanks to birth control fighters, far from for the better. In particular, being “just a mother” has become not only economically difficult, but also not prestigious. And this is where, it seems to me, we should look for Koshcheev’s needle, the injections of which probably so wound the conscience of some people that at the mere mention of motherhood as the main purpose of a woman, they have a violent reaction of protest.

Although in Latin praestigium- this is an illusion, a deception of the senses, which suggests the ephemerality of human glory, honor and respect; issues of prestige have always played a big role. Well, now - even more so, because in modern society, aimed at competition and personal success, ambition is so fueled that the word “ambitious”, which until recently was pronounced with a hint of condemnation, has acquired an unambiguously positive connotation. And the word “careerist” will definitely turn into a plus.

In traditional societies, mother of the family is a very prestigious position for a woman, which she is aimed at achieving from childhood. Accordingly, it is prestigious to possess those skills and abilities that a wife belonging to a particular class and occupying a particular position in society should have.

Where did the feeling come from that housework is nonsense and a boring routine, but “work” (no matter how boring and routine it actually is) is a completely different matter - serious, “real”, and only there can there be something -prestigious?.. This feeling arose, of course, for a reason. When the traditional way of life began to be intensively destroyed, the usual concepts of how to live and what to strive for were destroyed along with it. Accordingly, ideas about prestige also changed.

Russia, which after 1917 became a vast testing ground for utopian projects, embarked on a new path earlier than other countries. In the resolution of the board of the People's Commissariat of Labor of the RSFSR dated February 15, 1931 on events for the International Day of Working Women on March 8, it was emphasized that “in the conditions of the elimination of unemployment and the ever-increasing need for new cadres of workers, all opportunities are created for the actual emancipation of women from the household and their involvement in socially productive labor." The resolution provided for another campaign to inspect government institutions and enterprises under the slogans “1 million 500 thousand women into the national economy” and “Life at the service of the industrial and financial plan.”

That is, in word and deed it was instilled that domestic work was humiliating, since it was a form of slavery from which a woman needed to be freed (“emancipated”), and that “socially productive” work was prestigious, although in fact it was then often much more difficult and forced than doing housework. Gradually the new psychology took root. Moreover, the West also followed the path trodden by Russia, although not necessarily under socialist slogans.

From the idea of ​​“freeing women from family slavery” the idea automatically followed that children, especially when there are many of them, interfere with a free worker. It is not for nothing that abortion was first allowed in Soviet Russia. Another thing is that “family planning” did not acquire a fascist orientation, when the poor and “racially inferior” were declared unworthy of having children and were subject to forced sterilization, because in our country it was in no way connected with the ideas of social equality and the brotherhood of workers. But if we leave the last aspect aside and focus on creating the prerequisites for women’s involvement in “socially productive” labor, then a direct connection with birth control can easily be traced. In other words, to put it bluntly, many millions of people had to pay for fitting into a new life, for what began to be considered socially recognized and prestigious in this new life, by killing their own children. They, of course, tried to veil this terrible truth by citing “strictly scientific” data that the embryo is not a person at all, but “passes through the stage of a frog.” Well, about the immortal soul - this is completely “priestly nonsense.” But the truth still broke through, albeit askew: melancholy, divorce, bitterness, belated repentance - all that Western pro-lifeists call “post-abortion syndrome.”

And of course, with unrepentance, when the truth hurts the eyes, people tend to become aggressive. This, it seems to me, is where such an acute, if not hysterical, reaction to the topic of “work or motherhood” and cries about poverty stem from. In late Soviet times, poverty and starvation did not threaten children, but they were still getting rid of them: one, maximum two children was enough. Where more?! Of course, we can still speculate about the small living space, but, on the other hand, in the peasant huts where the vast majority of our ancestors with many children lived, there was even less space; the Western standard “room per person” never occurred to anyone.

Yes, standards have now changed, that's true. But most people do not dare to say directly that the lives of unborn children are being sacrificed to these changed standards. And thank God! If the anti-family, anti-children ideology, which the forces that we now call globalist have persistently propagated over the last century, had finally triumphed, there would no longer be a need to hide behind talk of poverty. Abandonment of children and contempt for family life would become prestigious. And those who accepted the new rules of the game would not have to justify themselves either to themselves or to others. On the contrary, you could proudly declare that you are child-free, that a child is a “screaming piece of meat” and that only those who have nothing else to do in life, who have no interests other than becoming “can dream of children.” sow" and "maternity machine". But for now, despite all the efforts of “birth control” people who invest fabulous amounts of money in anti-family propaganda, such statements, especially in the public space, are by no means welcome. This looks rude, defiant and cannot win over the majority of the people, who for the most part, on the contrary, are for family values.

On the other hand, the revival of family values ​​is not going so fast. People are reluctant to change their usual way of life and thoughts. Especially when the socio-economic structure is not conducive to this. In modern conditions, unemployed women are a kind of dissidents. But it is not easy to be a dissident, since swimming against the tide is always very difficult and not prestigious. How many mothers have I heard in recent years complain that their relatives do not understand and do not approve of their choice!

“Were they teaching you in vain?.. You’re ruining your life within four walls, but you showed such hope! Loser! - such words hurt when they come from loved ones, whose opinion is especially dear to us.

And for how many young women, each subsequent preserved pregnancy was given with a fight! Their own mothers almost cursed them for this, and not at all because the daughter was going to “hang” the children on them. But it’s just “I’m ashamed in front of people, they all have normal daughters: they work, they get a second degree... And this one sits like a weasel, completely lost in her religion!”

But even if loved ones provide support, sometimes there is still a worm of doubt: did I do the right thing? What if life really just passes you by? After all, let’s be honest, many women prefer to go to work as soon as possible, not because you can’t live without work, but because it’s more interesting there. Although if you look at it, “there” everything is also quite the same. There are rarely jobs with a complete and constant change of impressions. But overall, of course, there are more impressions. Especially if you don’t look closely at the child...

I don’t remember in what year at the “Family of Russia” festival the grand prize was awarded to an unpretentious, but very deep in content documentary film about a large Moscow family. It consisted mainly of mother's monologues. A young intelligent woman shared her memories of how difficult it was for her to get into the taste of motherhood. She really liked her work as a fashion designer, she was considered talented, and at some point, when there were, if I’m not mistaken, only two children, she returned to her favorite job, participated in competitions, and received prizes. And then it all lost for her the enormous meaning that it had just recently. She suddenly realized that the main thing - how her children grow and change - was passing by. In the most unique years, when every day brings something new, when they so greedily absorb impressions and need their mother so much, their upbringing and development cannot be entrusted to other people. Not only because others will invest something of their own in them, but also because these moments will never happen again. And soon my mother discovered that parenting is also a creative activity, and for her personally it became much more interesting than what she had done before. With each subsequent child, a new world opened up before her, new ideas and opportunities arose.

Indeed, observing children develops thoughtfulness, helps to understand not only them, but also other people; a fresh child’s perception also refreshes an adult, already rather “washed out” look; the need to speak with children in their language awakens imagination, naive children's questions penetrate to the very essence of things and force not only to remember physics, chemistry and other wisdom, but also to test your conscience, open your soul. So the heroine of the film was not exaggerating at all when she said that being a mother of many children turned out (at least for her) to be even more interesting than being a costume designer.

Don't let yourself dry out. Or sour?

But, on the other hand, not everyone has teaching talents; not everyone can be equally interested in child psychology and the process of developing a child’s personality! It’s not so rare to hear from unemployed women that, despite all their love for their family, over time they began to feel that they were “souring”, “degrading” and they needed some other field of application of their strength and abilities. And this, of course, is not a whim, as relatives or friends who are tired of endlessly making money and who are unlucky with earning husbands think. Modern women, whom family and society from a young age aim at existence and self-realization outside the family hearth, find it extremely difficult to get rid of this attitude. It is actually absorbed now with mother’s milk and by adulthood, figuratively speaking, becomes part of our cells.

And men, as a rule, want their wife to represent something. Calls for self-realization and success heard from all sides often lead to men forming inflated and very contradictory demands on their spouse: on the one hand, it is prestigious to have an intelligent, educated, talented - in a word, a bright personality; but if this person begins to “burn at work,” complaints arise: at the same time, he wants his wife to be an excellent housewife and a caring mother. Is it possible to combine these seemingly difficult to compatible hypostases?

In a sweatshop system, when career growth (and simply maintaining a job!) in most cases is associated with daily work from bell to bell, this, of course, is unrealistic. Even a two-wire man can’t cope here. Simply due to lack of time. Recreating a more traditional family structure, when the wife bears the main responsibility for the home and children, and the husband is focused on earning money and advancement at work, does not actually limit the woman, but, on the contrary, provides her with ample opportunities to expand her sphere of interests and apply her talents. Everyone has creative abilities, because we are created in the image and likeness of the Creator. They just need to be revealed. And to do this, start doing something, moving somewhere. Moreover, if, remembering the parable of the talents, we move in the right, soul-helping direction, trying to understand the Creator’s plan for ourselves, the talents that He gave us will certainly be revealed and multiplied. Any more or less attentive person has noticed this so many times that examples can be given endlessly.

Unfortunately, not all adults feel an internal creative impulse that prompts them to “suddenly” become interested in one thing or another, to try to apply their strength in one area or another. Many suffer from a feeling of emptiness, but without an impulse from the outside they cannot break out of it. This often stems from childhood, because even children, beings much more frisky and inquisitive than adults, sometimes suffer from boredom, but at the same time refuse to engage in any form of children's creativity: they cannot play independently, do not like to draw, sculpt, or make crafts , design, sing, recite poems, compose fairy tales. And in the company, inspired by the example of others, they gradually overcome the complexes that give rise to internal constraint.

In classes using my puppet therapy technique with Irina Yakovlevna Medvedeva, we see this regularly. Moreover, not only children, but also mothers blossom, since for many this unexpectedly opens not only the spiritual world of their children, but also allows them to apply their abilities, which seemed to have long been lost or were buried under a blanket of gray everyday life.

In general, taking care of children does not necessarily mean stooping to their level and living in their interests. A mother, who has her own creative, cognitive interests, gives the child so much by this very fact that it is still unknown where he will receive more: in the appropriate circle or sitting next to her when she plays the piano, draws, knits, reads, being like him explaining something, showing something, answering questions. For example, I am convinced (and my parental experience confirms this) that the second is much more important than the first.

Not to mention the fact that a lot of activities that are interesting to mothers make it possible to directly involve children in them! In the families of the creative intelligentsia, we see this from generation to generation. In fact, this is an analogue of the life of the Russian nobility, when women did not go to work, but if they wished, they could engage in various types of creativity and works of mercy. This is how, by the way, a modern Orthodox culture can be created (and is slowly being created), which - I am convinced of this - will become a real counterweight to the destructive mass culture coming from the West.

Many wives, while taking care of children and home, manage to help their husbands in his work: they search the Internet for the necessary information, conduct telephone conversations, correspondence, accounting, compose letters, papers, advertisements, etc.

And the most ordinary, routine household chores generally do not interfere with personal development. If you wish (especially with children in mind), you can turn this into such an exciting, fun activity that the children will happily remember how they baked pies with their mother, “swept the deck” (that is, vacuumed or washed the floor), “watered” the room plants, while learning something interesting from the field of botany... Recently it turned out that for my eldest son, the most delicious candies are still those that resemble homemade truffles, which I made 25 years ago from the baby milk formula “Malyutka”. Store-bought truffles were then expensive and in short supply, but this was cheap and cheerful, so the guys and I made candy: on weekends, on holidays, and just, as they say, from an excess of feelings... And my daughter and I made a cake with a house and dolls from gingerbread dough, which we decided to bake, flattered by a beautiful picture in some magazine, did not please anyone with the taste - apple charlotte, which I baked almost every day in the fall during apple-rich years, was much tastier - but on the other hand entered the annals of family history as an example of culinary sculpture.

Of course, there is no time and no need to organize a “holiday every day”; everyday life is necessary, otherwise satiety arises, and the brightness of holiday feelings dims. In this regard, in feminist literature there are often curses against women’s domestic work, because, they say, it is a bad infinity: the dishes get dirty again every day, the furniture gets dusty, the floors get dirty. All this, of course, is true, but, on the other hand, monotonous physical work is good because it does not occupy the mind and it is easy to pray and think conveniently. Since childhood, hearing about the importance of alternating mental and physical labor, I did not attach much importance to it until I began to engage in literary translation and, purely empirically, came to just such an algorithm. When the right word could not be found (and this is a common thing in literary translation), I began to get nervous, sway in my chair, fidget with something in my hands, walk from corner to corner... And then I remembered about the unwashed dishes in the sink or the fact that It wouldn't hurt to cook some soup for tomorrow. And at some point the necessary verbal turn of phrase appeared as if by itself. At the same time, the housework was done, which was also pleasing. So now, as soon as I have a “creative block”, I immediately go looking for homework. Fortunately there is always plenty of it.

Do what you must, and it will be as God wills.

For Orthodox churchgoers, especially after 35, among whom, as I already wrote, there are now quite a lot of housewives, it is, of course, easier to get used to this role than for those who have only recently graduated from college. On the one hand, they have already managed to pull the burden of working in the difficult conditions of Russian capitalism. On the other hand, if a woman really tries to live like a Christian, to seek not her own, but God’s will, then she perceives many circumstances of her life completely differently. The humility that Christians are called to acquire extinguishes vain ambitions. At the same time, the Lord, if He is asked to do so, helps a person find a use for himself, gives those opportunities that you need to save your soul. There is always something to do in the parish, where to apply your strength and abilities. If you have musical talent, sing in the choir. (And children, by the way, from an early age are imbued with the beauty of church hymns, and later they often ask to join the choir themselves.) For needlewomen there is such space that their eyes widen. Those who love to share knowledge can teach in Sunday school, conduct clubs, courses, psychological or legal consultations. Some mothers with many children who have obstetric education prepare pregnant women for childbirth. In organizing pilgrimage trips and summer children's camps, mothers also often play a big role, who, of course, try for their children, but, on the other hand, have the time and opportunity to take care of strangers. There is always a lot of cleaning and cooking, there are always sick and infirm people who need to be visited and who need to be helped.

And how many women, not burdened by the need to go to work, happily respond to the call to read an akathist, take part in a religious procession, or pray for someone’s health or repose! At religious processions you can meet mothers even with tiny children. And how many of them pray at home, invisibly helping their loved ones! How many of these women have been praying to God for years for unchurched relatives, who, naturally, do not know what difficult work this is (and often do not suspect it), and consider their daughter or daughter-in-law to be a slacker and a narrow-minded, narrow-minded fanatic.

As for the “career growth” that advertisements and modern images of prestige are now targeting young women at, then, of course, you will no longer be able to occupy important government positions after giving birth and raising children. And in a “cool” company, you most likely won’t be the boss. But, firstly, many of those who persistently pursued a career at some point leave the race, realizing that family is more valuable. And all their career achievements turn out to be of no use to anyone, including themselves. And secondly, life does not end at 30, nor at 40, nor even at 50. I know cases when a woman, having raised children and become freer, takes on some new business with such energy that in a very short time achieves great success.

A close friend of mine, a mother of three children, was forced to “settle down” at home because one of her sons began to develop a serious illness. For many years, the father became the sole breadwinner in the family. The boy was given a disability, his mother regularly brought him from a distant northern city to Moscow, took him to doctors, and admitted him to hospitals. In the intervals, she taught him lessons at home, and in fits and starts raised other children (fortunately, my grandmother had already retired and could stay with them during her absences). She also took Alyosha to holy places, because at some point the doctors directly said that in his case one could only rely on God. And hope did not disappoint. Now my son is 25, he is healthy, he graduated from college. And my mother, having become a church member during the process of his treatment, first became an active parishioner, then created a branch of the parent movement in her city, uniting people who did not want sex education and supposedly anti-drug, but in fact harmful, “prevention” programs to appear in schools . And now she is already a member of the local Public Chamber, regularly speaks on radio, television, in the press, and participates in major conferences and round tables. Including in the State Duma. And the children, whom she raised with her selfless example, help her, proud that they have such an amazing mother.

Another woman, my neighbor at home, also had no time for work: her youngest daughter could not go to school due to poor health. Homeschooling, housekeeping, treatment - everything was on my mother. Sometimes she could not leave the girl for weeks, because an attack could happen at any moment, and she would have to call an ambulance. Moreover, the eldest, about the same age, demanded attention, care, and affection. When we met on the street or at the elevator, all the conversations revolved around children. Mom didn't care about anything else. But when the girls grew up and the eldest’s health began to improve (and the doctors said that it was a lottery: either by the age of 16 everything will start to improve, or we need to prepare for the worst), my mother had free time, and she began to think about how to fill it. Olga considered sitting in front of the TV, like many housewives, beneath her dignity. It was unrealistic to return to a good, promising job from which I quit more than ten years ago. She had lost her qualifications and could not count on any advancement in her previous job line. The train left long ago and forever. And suddenly a friend, who made and sold women's hats, suggested that she... make hats. Olga considered this proposal a joke, because she had never done anything like that. True, she liked to sew, but this is completely different... And yet the neighbor decided to try. After all, they don't starve; If it doesn't work out - no big deal!

But she really succeeded. After some time, she became quite a skilled and original craftswoman; art salons gladly accepted her products for sale. When we met again, Olga said that she was participating in exhibitions and was going to join the Union of Artists. And she added: “You know, sometimes it seems to me that this is an amazing dream. I would never have thought that life could turn out this way.”

And I thought that this was God’s reward for her patience, faith and fidelity. After all, no one except Him knew what would come out at the end of this many-year “lottery.” The story could very well have ended differently. But the mother, as they say about defenders of the Fatherland, “honestly fulfilled her duty,” without demanding any guarantees. And this debt of love was immeasurably more important, higher and more beautiful than any super-successful career.

Current page: 1 (book has 24 pages total) [available reading passage: 16 pages]

Vladimir Zobern
Orthodox mother. Allowance for raising and caring for a child

© Eksmo Publishing House LLC, 2015

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Preface

For more than 1000 years, the Orthodox faith determined the consciousness of the Russian people. Having accomplished a breakdown of the people's soul, the years of atheism could not erase these centuries. Orthodoxy, being the most important part of Russian self-awareness, has been preserved in historical memory, in the gene pool of the Russian people. Therefore, despite the fact that the book is primarily focused on raising children in the traditions of Orthodoxy, mothers and fathers who do not consider themselves believers will be able to find advice in it on how to preserve the spiritual and physical health of a child. In the West, such literature is intended for people with a different worldview, with a different history, with a different religion.

Traditional Russian medicine has never contradicted the teachings of the Orthodox Church. The unity of the priest and the doctor in healing the patient has always been emphasized both in the Church and in pre-revolutionary medicine. And above all, this unity lies in love for the sick, in the indispensable adherence to the rule “Do no harm.”

In the Gospel, the body is called the temple of the soul (see: 1 Corinthians, chapter 3, verse 16; chapter 6, verse 19). But the soul not only puts on a body, it finds expression for earthly life in it.

The spirit is that part of the soul through which it communicates with God. "Spirit,- says Saint Theophan the Recluse, - how the power that came from God knows God, seeks God and finds peace in Him Alone.”

Diseases are also divided into physical, mental and spiritual.

Bodily illnesses occur when a person’s physical “composition” is damaged.

Mental - when there is a violation of his mental activity (“psycho” from Greek- soul); The field of medicine known as psychiatry studies these diseases.

Spiritual illness is primarily a sin; its extreme form is possession by unclean spirits. Almost always a person becomes spiritually ill when he resorts to the help of psychics and occultists. Only a priest can help a person who is spiritually ill.

The first part of the book talks about the spiritual development of a child based on patristic literature. Much attention is paid to raising a child in the spirit of Orthodoxy through Baptism, Communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, confession, prayer, and fasting.

The second part of the book shows the period of physical development of a child from birth to adolescence, talks about the main growing pains, their symptoms and pre-medical care.

We hope that the book will be useful to those living in those places in Russia where, for various reasons, it is not possible to quickly call a doctor - in rural areas, hard-to-reach areas.

The third part contains a prayer book to help the sick, and the fourth part contains instructions on fasting for children and parents.

Part one
Spiritual development of a child

Chapter 1
Sacrament of marriage (wedding)

Marriage between a man and a woman was established by the Lord Himself, who created them: “And the Lord God said: It is not good for the man to be alone; Let us make him a helper suitable for him<…>Therefore a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife; and they will become one flesh"(Book of Genesis, chapter 2, verses 18, 24).

“Marriage is a Divine Sacrament. He was part of God's plan when He created man,– wrote the holy queen-martyr Alexandra Feodorovna, who gave all women an example of Christian fulfillment of the feat of marriage and motherhood. – This is the closest and most sacred connection on earth... Without the blessing of God, without His sanctification of the marriage, all congratulations and good wishes of friends will be an empty phrase. Without His daily blessing of family life, even the most tender and true love will not be able to give everything that a thirsty heart needs. Without Heaven’s blessing, all the beauty, joy, and value of family life can be destroyed at any moment.”

In the Christian Church, God's blessing to those entering into marriage is sent by the Lord in the Sacrament of Wedding. Civil marriage is defined by the Church as prodigal cohabitation, except in cases where one of the spouses consciously comes to faith while already married, and the other does not want to get married. In this case, the Church is based on the words of the Holy Apostle Paul: “If any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she agrees to live with him, then he should not leave her; and a wife who has an unbelieving husband, and he agrees to live with her, should not leave him. For an unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife, and an unbelieving wife is sanctified by a believing husband. Otherwise your children would have been unclean, but now they are holy.”(1 Corinthians, chapter 7, verses 12-14). But then the apostle adds: “If an unbeliever wants to get a divorce, let him get a divorce; the brother or sister is not related in such cases; The Lord has called us to peace."(1 Corinthians, chapter 7, verse 15).

Consequently, if an unmarried marriage was concluded before the spouses became churchgoers, then the initiative for divorce should not belong to the believing spouse. If both husband and wife come to faith, of course, they need to sanctify their union with the grace-filled church Sacrament of Marriage (Wedding). (The name “Wedding” comes from the laying of crowns on the newlyweds.)

It happens that young people get married in the Church not out of conviction, but only because “it’s beautiful,” not realizing that church marriage is an indissoluble union.

“Unfortunately, those over whom it is performed do not always understand the importance of this sacred rite,” Bishop of Dmitrov Vissarion (Nechaev) instructed the brides and grooms. – That is why, even during its performance, they behave without proper reverence and do not prepare for it with preliminary prayers for the sending of God’s blessing. But if the celebration of Marriage is a Sacrament, then, like any other Sacrament, it requires a prayerful mood of spirit from those approaching it.

Just as those approaching the Sacrament of Confession must predispose themselves to it by a preliminary long feat of prayer, otherwise they will not receive the expected benefits for souls from it, so those entering into marriage must be in a prayerful mood of spirit not only during the performance of this Sacrament on them, but also before the performance his. Whoever does not have such a mood before the Wedding, then the grace of God bestowed in the Sacrament of Marriage falls on completely barren soil.”.

Advising those entering into marriage to refrain from amusements and vain worries before the wedding, the bishop further talks about how good and gracious the joint prayer of the bride and groom for blessings for the upcoming life in marriage is.

Before the Sacrament of Wedding, the Orthodox Church orders the bride and groom to confess and receive communion.

Church marriage is indissoluble, as is clear from the words of the Savior: “What God has joined together, let no man separate”(Gospel of Matthew, chapter 19, verse 6). Exceptions are made in special cases, as we see from the “Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church” adopted at the Council of Bishops in 2000: “In 1918, the Local Council of the Russian Orthodox Church, in its “Definition on the reasons for the dissolution of a marriage sanctified by the Church,” recognized as such, in addition to adultery and the entry of one of the parties into a new marriage, also the apostasy of one of the parties from Orthodoxy, unnatural vices, inability to marry cohabitation that occurred before marriage or was the result of intentional self-mutilation, leprosy or syphilis, long-term unknown absence, condemnation to punishment coupled with deprivation of all rights of the estate, encroachment on the life or health of the spouse or children, daughter-in-law, pandering, benefiting from the indecency of the spouse, incurable serious mental illness and malicious abandonment of one spouse by the other. Currently, this list of grounds for divorce is supplemented by such reasons as AIDS, medically certified chronic alcoholism or drug addiction, and the wife committing an abortion with her husband’s disagreement.”.

Reasons like “they didn’t get along” cannot be grounds for dissolving a Christian marriage. But what to do in such cases? Let us turn again to the diary entries of the holy queen-martyr Alexandra Feodorovna: “Due to the fault of those who get married, one or both, married life can become a misery. The possibility of being happy in a marriage is very great, but we must not forget the possibility of its collapse. Only a correct and wise life in marriage will help to achieve an ideal marital relationship.

The first lesson to learn and practice is patience. At the beginning of family life, both the advantages of character and disposition are revealed, as well as the shortcomings and peculiarities of habits, taste, and temperament, which the other half did not even suspect. Sometimes it seems that it is impossible to get used to each other, that there will be eternal and hopeless conflicts, but patience and love overcome everything, and two lives merge into one, more noble, stronger, fuller, richer, and this life will continue in peace and quiet...

Another secret of happiness in family life is attention to each other. Husband and wife should constantly show each other signs of the most tender attention and love. The happiness of life is made up of individual minutes, of small, quickly forgotten pleasures; from a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment and countless small but kind thoughts and sincere feelings. Love also needs its daily bread.

Another important element in family life is unity of interests. Nothing a wife cares about should seem too small, even for the gigantic intellect of the greatest of husbands. On the other hand, every wise and faithful wife will willingly take an interest in the affairs of her husband. She will want to know about his every new project, plan, difficulty, doubt. She will want to know which of his endeavors have succeeded and which have not, and be aware of all his daily activities. Let both hearts share both joy and suffering. Let them share the burden of worries in half. Let everything in their life be common. They should go to church together, pray side by side, together bring to the feet of God the burden of caring for their children and everything dear to them. Why don't they talk to each other about their temptations, doubts, secret desires and help each other with sympathy and words of encouragement? So they will live one life, not two.

Be afraid of the slightest beginning of misunderstanding or alienation. Instead of holding back, a stupid, careless word is uttered - and between the two hearts, which before were one whole, a small crack appears, it widens and widens until they find themselves forever torn from each other. Did you say something in a hurry? Ask for forgiveness immediately. Do you have any misunderstanding? No matter whose fault it is, don't let him stay between you for an hour.

Refrain from quarreling. Don't go to bed harboring feelings of anger in your soul. There should be no place for pride in family life. You should never indulge your sense of offended pride and scrupulously calculate who exactly should ask for forgiveness. Those who truly love do not engage in such casuistry. They are always ready to give in and apologize.”

It’s not for nothing that we paid so much attention to the “recipes for family happiness” from the holy empress-martyr Alexandra Feodorovna. Many contemporaries of the holy martyr Nicholas II, even among his obvious ill-wishers, recalled that they had never met such a friendly and happy family that could serve as a role model for everyone. Naturally, with such an attitude of the royal spouses towards each other, the spiritual and mental health of their children was out of danger.

But how often, especially in modern families, the causes of children’s illnesses, not only spiritual, but also physical, are the mood in the family, the atmosphere of unlove, disrespect of parents for each other.

The infidelity of one spouse becomes a disaster for the entire family.

“Many people think that the Church prohibits fornication simply from the principles of Christian morality,– writes Archpriest Boris Nechiporov. – But that's not the point. In marriage, husband and wife form a special unity, but fornication creates a crack, a schism, a black hole. And this, in turn, puts the heaviest burden on children.”

Doctors have proven that for a woman, the first sexual contact is not only a strong psychological shock, but also affects her heredity, since the male seed, having entered the female body, inevitably causes changes in it, which subsequently affects the offspring. That is why it is necessary for a girl to maintain chastity, to preserve herself for marriage. Maintaining purity before marriage is equally important for a man.

But a more serious sin than fornication is adultery. “The biggest sin and the biggest crime in the family is treason, adultery. Betrayal in the family - the sin of Judas - leads to the death of marriage and the breakdown of the family. In a family with children, this is the greatest religious, moral, social, and biological tragedy. If such a misfortune happens in a Christian marriage, the faithful half (husband and wife) must remain faithful. Dante argued that “true love cannot but be mutual. And fidelity in response to betrayal sometimes works miracles and brings back the lost one after a while...”(I.M. Andreev).

Archpriest Boris Nichiporov:

The fornicator or adulterer tells himself that no one will know his adventures. But the heart feels that mystically this is not only not hidden from anyone, but everyone knows about it: heaven, earth, children, wife or husband... The second illusion is that in fornication there is supposedly only the physical combination and there is no spiritual depravity. The Apostle Paul responds to this by saying: “Nothing should possess me. The body is not for fornication, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. Or do you not know that whoever has sex with a harlot becomes one body with her? For it is said: the two will become one flesh...<…>Every sin that a person commits is outside the body, but the fornicator sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who dwells in you? (1 Corinthians, chapter 6, verses 12-13, 16, 18, 19).

The advice of many would-be psychotherapists appears to be a consequence of incredible spiritual and professional degradation: “If you have sexual incompatibility with your husband (wife), find yourself a partner (or partner).” Partner! These “specialists” do not understand anything about the science of man and fully correspond to the gospel image: "They – blind leaders of the blind; and if a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit.” (Gospel of Matthew, chapter 15, verse 14).

I may be asked, what should I do if there really is incompatibility? And I will answer. We must understand each specific case, but firmly know that moral failure does not give rise to either mental or physical comfort. On the contrary, such advice gives rise to a whole series of problems and worries.

Christianity is fundamentally about sacrifice. For the sake of saving the human race, the Lord sacrificed Himself for the sins of people and called upon the disciples following Him to self-sacrifice - to bear their cross. The establishment of a Christian marriage as a matter pleasing to God is also never complete without self-sacrifice.

How many times have you heard that a person left his family for the sake of a career, work, because of the inability to come to terms with some qualities of his spouse, because for some reason his “other half” became uninteresting, etc. But people who marry with the intention of spending their entire lives with one single person do not leave themselves such a loophole as the possibility of divorce. Being ready to sacrifice themselves in the name of the family, they overcome many trials, discovering new wonderful qualities in each other and growing from love to love.

Chapter 2
Conceiving a child

In a good, friendly family, the birth of children is always a joy. And this joy is not overshadowed, as in many modern godless families, by thoughts about the upcoming difficulties with the advent of a new person. Bearing in mind that the feat of marriage is a feat of martyrdom, husband and wife are prepared in advance for the inevitable sacrifices for marriage. In this case - in the name of the child that the Lord gives them. The mother must come to terms with the fact that with the birth of her child she will need to devote herself to him, forgetting for some time (preferably for as long as possible) about work, even her favorite one. The mother will invariably have to worry, and lack sleep, and get tired, while giving up many things that are familiar and pleasant. The husband must also understand this and become a real support for his wife and children, and not only support the family, but also take a full part in raising his sons and daughters, and, at first, in caring for them. If spouses approach the conception of a child with such readiness for self-sacrifice, realizing what a great Divine mystery it is, what a great event the birth of a person is, then it will not even occur to them that the child may be unwanted or unplanned. “Family planning” (what a common, familiar phrase these days!) is left exclusively to God by believing spouses. No matter how many children are born in a family, no matter how difficult it is, the mother and father will not perceive the birth of another baby as a test, but only as a blessing.

Speaking about conceiving a child, we emphasize: the Church does not bless the use of contraceptives. Why?

Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov answers this question this way:

...The use of a contraceptive is the same as mechanically emptying the stomach to once again accept unnecessary food. This is a kind of self-deception, the transformation of labor life into meaningless physiological exploitation of the human body without the implementation of labor activity... If God blesses children, then we must give birth to them. The use of contraceptives stimulates irresponsibility towards the great Sacrament of Marriage - this Divine, mysterious institution, amazing in its meaning. In marriage, two people unite in love - and from two cells uniting into one, a new person appears, who has never existed on earth, with his own abilities, characteristics, carrying within himself the entire genetic range of his ancestors...

Contraceptives are unnatural means... Therefore, from a moral point of view, such means cannot be used. The Church cannot bless this as a perversion of human nature created by God... Moreover, it is known how harmful every single contraceptive means is.

That is, when it comes to whether to kill a child or not, people think about their health - it is harmful for them to give birth.

And when it comes to contraceptives, they deliberately harm him. This means that it is not a matter of health, but of passion.

If the wife does not want to be a mother or the husband, calling her his wife, does not want to have children from her, then conscience powerfully forbids even approaching the marital bed.

Indeed, how sad that many parents perceive the “unplanned” conception of a baby as an unfortunate accident! But, according to doctors, the effect of all contraceptives is abortifacient. Conception still occurs, but the fertilized egg is killed in the first days after the child is conceived. The human soul, placed by God in this cell, dies - already a real child! Can anyone hope that the children born later will be healthy and happy when so many of their brothers and sisters were killed in such a covert manner?

The fact that the sins of parents are reflected on children is not “a figment of the imagination of the churchmen.” This is confirmed by life itself.

Archpriest Artemy Vladimirov:

Our children suffer even before their conception, or rather, the suffering that voluptuous parents inflict on each other, scolding their own nature, is reflected in the physical and mental state of their future children.

The Church instructs believing parents to abstain from marital relations on Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday (from the evening of the previous day to the evening of the current one). The three allocated days are special: on Wednesday our Lord Jesus Christ was betrayed by Judas, on Friday he endured the torment of the cross and death, and on Sunday he rose from the dead. In the same way, great and especially revered Christian holidays and, of course, the time of the four fasts - Nativity, Great, Petrov, Assumption - and the first Easter week - Bright Week - a person should spend in abstinence, in prayer, and pay special attention to spiritual life. The prohibition of married life at this time is not artificial: long-term observations show that children conceived on such days are quite often born sick.

Archpriest Artemy Vladimirov:

According to the testimony of some church writers, the state of a child’s soul is largely predetermined by the state of hearts at the sacred hour of conception... If people, due to their spiritual ignorance, give themselves up to voluptuous thoughts, dreams, imaginations, if they corrupt themselves with unnatural fornication, then they are thereby already undermining the creative powers of their child.

And of course, there can be no talk of conceiving a baby “under the fumes of wine,” when the child not only physically, but also spiritually can become a victim of the parent’s passion for alcohol.

ABOUT RAISING GIRLS

It is important for a mother to remember that her own behavior, the way she interacts with the world, her female script is a role model for her daughter. If a mother behaves rudely, often yells at her daughter, and conflicts with her father in the presence of her daughter, the girl is more likely to learn not her mother’s correct words, but her way of reacting.

The psychology of a single mother, unfortunately, is often passed on from generation to generation. A woman who is unsuccessful in interacting with her husband will unconsciously cultivate character traits in her daughter that will almost one hundred percent make her incapable of getting along with her own husband in the future.

In order to become a happy woman, a girl needs to have a role model in front of her eyes in the form of a happy mother. If mom does not feel happy, you need to analyze what is causing this. Behind the feeling of unhappiness there may be, for example, old grievances hidden in the depths of the heart (against your parents, your husband, your child). And the roots of resentment go back to such a passion as pride. By realizing what the cause of her own difficulties lies, and by changing her life through repentance and forgiveness, a woman will help her daughter become truly happy.

To develop femininity, a girl needs the love and attention of her father. It is generally accepted that a boy raised without a father is bad. And it's hard to argue with that. But a lack of male education for a girl can also have long-lasting negative consequences. Everyday communication with her father teaches a girl to understand male psychology, to adapt to it (and for a woman this is very important if she wants her marriage to be successful), and teaches her not to be afraid of men. Ideally, it gives that human warmth that many women who did not have a father try to find by early entering into a love affair and “hanging themselves” first on one man, then on another.

It is very important that from childhood a girl sees the correct family hierarchy: the father is obedient to God, the mother is obedient to the father, the children obey their parents. If this hierarchy is violated (for example, a woman takes on the functions of the head of the family), the child often grows up insecure, fearful, neurotic, and the girl does not have the correct idea of ​​how a woman should behave in society, or what a real man should be like. .

True feminine charm lies in the purity of a girl's soul. But the purity of the soul is preserved if the girl is raised in chastity. Chastity is brought up through such seemingly banal things as clothes, toys, books

It is important to dress the girl in feminine clothes: dresses, skirts. Nun Nina (Krygina) speaks on this topic in some detail. Nowadays there are a lot of girls of preschool age wearing trousers. From a psychological point of view, clothes that can be worn by both men and women (trousers, jumpers, etc.) are hermaphrodite clothes. Even an adult, a woman, when putting on trousers, psychologically feels more independent and relaxed. And since preschool age is the basic age for gender formation, it is very easy for a child to “knock off” the gender.

At the same time, the dress is different. There is no need to dress a girl as if she were on a catwalk: an excessively low-cut, open dress, translucent material, and an abundance of jewelry can harm the girl’s state of mind. Therefore, parents need to control what their daughter wears, as long as their opinion is authoritative and meaningful. If we talk about teenage girls, then when choosing clothes they are no longer guided by the opinion of their parents, but by the so-called fashion.

Priest Ilya Shugaev writes about the messages conveyed by women’s clothing: “What is modern women’s fashion talking about? A short skirt says the following to all passing men: “I have already shown you half of my legs, you will get the rest later if you want.” It's a shame that a girl, putting on a short skirt, thinks to show everyone only that she knows how to dress fashionably, and does not realize that her clothes carry a completely different message to all the men around her. In general, clothing is always a kind of silent appeal to all people you meet. When meeting, the message encrypted in clothing must be read. “They greet you by their clothes.” A girl appears in tight trousers. I read: “I seem to have hidden my body, but you can already guess about my lovely forms...” There are also more insidious messages. These are long skirts reaching to the toes, but with an equally long slit along the entire height of the skirt. I read this message: “I hid my body, but left a small slit, you can peek a little if you try, and you will catch with your gaze all the movements of my gait, but the rest can be seen later if you want.” Having expressed something like this with her clothes, it will be very difficult for a girl to meet a good husband. Therefore, dear parents, you have a very big responsibility to teach your girl from childhood good taste in clothes, love for dresses, but at the same time it is important to develop a sense of proportion. And please don't encourage a girl's interest in cosmetics.

Another important point. Parents need to carefully select toys for their daughter. The modern industry often offers toys that are essentially aimed at corrupting the child's soul. It is very harmful for a preschool girl, for example, to play with dolls like Barbie.

Let me remind you that the Barbie doll was originally intended for the amusement of adults. True, she had a different name and was much larger. In the mid-twentieth century, they tried to sell her in Germany as a “sexual partner” for sailors. However, the number did not go through - morals had not yet been shaken, and a storm of indignation arose in Germany. The toy had to immigrate to America, where it was greatly reduced in size and acquired a new name. But the appearance of the “sex bomb” remained.

The Barbie doll has the proportions of an adult woman, and the girl is forced, when playing with this doll, to reproduce adult stories: going to a restaurant, talking with Ken, etc. Whereas a traditional doll is a prototype of a child. And while playing with her, the girl learns to be a mother. She reproduces the actions of adults: she swaddles her “daughter”, feeds her, rocks her to sleep, and thus, from childhood, prepares to fulfill the main purpose of a woman - motherhood.

Now there are toys for so-called “sex education,” that is, these are dolls with genitals. Parenting magazines claim that this is very useful for a child’s gender identity. Orthodox psychologists, including Tatyana Shishova, claim: “In fact, such toys are one of the initial links in the chain of measures to reduce the birth rate. Many Western psychologists and psychiatrists took part in the development of global anti-demographic policies, and hundreds of experiments were carried out. “Toys for sex education” really educate. Just not a good family man or a harmoniously developed personality, which is what parents who believe in progressive magazines hope for, but their opposite.”

Parents of girls can be advised to buy traditional dolls with child proportions, baby dolls. If we talk about soft toys, then it is worth purchasing baby animals that awaken maternal instincts; in addition, they are soft, warm, create a sense of security in the child, relieve anxiety, and carry a certain therapeutic load.

The child actively masters the world, transforming it in his own way, feeling like a creator, and play for him is a necessary means of understanding the world. Therefore, the wider the range of uses of a toy, the higher its value for creativity and the more it can develop the potential of the child himself.

As girls grow up, they begin to show interest in books and television. I would like to talk about novels for women, which are now filling the shelves. Not only do they spoil the literary taste, which is already underdeveloped in modern children. Also - and this is the main danger - by absorbing such literary products, girls become imbued with knowledge that is completely unnecessary at their age, learn the “art of seduction,” and acquire views and attitudes that, as a rule, do not lead to good.

Sex and romance are often intertwined in these books. Taking advantage of the fact that teenage girls, like a hundred years ago, dream of love, the authors make a clever substitution: instead of chaste, pure love, they aim readers at something completely different.

Most modern literature for teenage girls inflames sensuality, instills the idea of ​​the permissibility and even desirability of close relationships in adolescence and presents as a standard the image of an assertive, self-confident, impatient heroine who does not hesitate to impose herself on boys, often behaves like a girl of easy virtue, and puts above all else own pleasure, and therefore naturally violates “outdated” moral norms. At the end of the book, the heroine, as a rule, is lucky.

A teenage girl, seduced by such literature, falls into a trap. Starting to imitate the heroine of the novel, she abandons her natural feminine qualities: modesty, gentleness, caring, and the ability to sympathize. At first it seems to her that she has gained freedom and independence, but it quickly becomes clear that the guys look at her as a thing, an object of consumption.

Parents need to carefully monitor what the girl reads and watches. And it is important that parents themselves do not read such books or watch dubious films. Because everything secret becomes clear. If a father reads an obscene magazine, the children, due to their natural powers of observation and curiosity, will sooner or later find this magazine. Then it will be very difficult to explain to them why this is bad if low-quality printed materials were found, say, in a parent’s secretary.

It is very useful to give examples of holy wives who achieved holiness in marriage. The life of the holy noble princes Peter and Fevronia, the holy royal passion-bearers Nikolai Alexandrovich and Alexandra Fedorovna, their correspondence before marriage are a wonderful example of the purity of relationships.

Parents need to try to raise a girl so that she can understand and accept her feminine destiny, her high role in the life of the family and society, so that, figuratively speaking, the girl does not play games on someone else’s field, trying to imitate men. Parents must show by their example and sensitive upbringing that a girl will be happy only if she is herself and realizes the potential and purpose God has placed in her. And the main purpose of a woman is to give love and give life - to be a wife and mother. And if we can reveal to our girls this highest calling of a woman, teach them to love family and children and prepare for this feat from childhood, we will save them from many mistakes, disappointments and life tragedies, which means our lives will be weighed on the scales of God’s Truth according to to another. After all, as we know, “a tree is known by its fruit.”

Vovka's letter

There is no sadder place in the world
What a shelter for orphans.
But also to them in black and white everyday life,
The Lord comes daily.

When noses quietly sniffle them,
He puts love in their palms.
And erases from freckled faces
Imprints of melancholy and anxiety.

After all, His heart is good for them,
Never gets tired of burning.
As a Father, He is always with them,
And he can hug and warm everyone.

He finds letters under his pillow
And today I found one...
It was written by little Vova
"To Jesus for Christmas"

He didn't ask for sweets and toys,
He promised to always be obedient
If only a miracle happened to him,
If only his mother would come for him.

Daily in prayers to God
The boy only asked for this.
And more than once tears rain from his eyes,
It drizzled onto the pillow.

And today with a letter two sweets
He put it in an envelope for God.
— It’s the Savior’s birthday...
- It’s a pity... there are no other gifts.

- All I have are two candies...
“I took care of them,” the baby said,
When at night quietly in an envelope,
I put them under the pillow with the letter.

—You also like candy, don’t you?
- My gift to you from the bottom of my heart...
- I know that you are very kind.
- Just find me a mommy!

- Let her be kind and bright,
- I will love her very much...
- I need her very, very...
- Good God, help!

I stood by the crib for a long time
And the Lord looked at the boy.
His gaze filled as before
Endless love for all of us.

He couldn't help but come to the rescue
He is always there where people believe in Him.
Motherly affection and tenderness.
God has already prepared for him.

A year later, on the same festive night,
The Savior opened the letter again
And when he read, with a bright light,
His smile lit up.

- Hello God! This is Vova!
- I am the happiest person on earth!
- Imagine, my mother was found!
- Good God! Thank you…
author Tatyana Denisenko

——————————————————————————————

RAISING AND SCREAMING

Wrong parenting methods are inherited and passed on from generation to generation. They shouted at you, and you start screaming. But should someone try to stop this chain? For example, you already know from experience that a few more moments and your child, say, will hit another - decisively approach him before he hits, take him by the hand, take him aside. Without getting angry or swearing. Parents can very often prevent undesirable developments in the situation. Then there is no need to shout.

When a child succeeds in something, he must express gratitude with all his heart. So that the child understands the difference: when they are happy with him, when he really did something nice, or when he is unhappy with him. Children, in fact, are creatures striving for the ideal. If they understand that this ideal is achievable, that parents respond, that they are happy and grateful, then the children will strive to meet the requirements.

What if screaming has already become a habit in the educational process?
Wean yourself off this habit! and this may take months. Weaning a parent away from such unreasonable pedagogy will require effort, work, and analysis of their strengths and weaknesses.

You need to learn to anticipate the development of the situation, switch yourself and switch the child. You must always be in search of new techniques that allow you to resolve this situation. Parenting is generally a creative process; here you won’t be able to get by with techniques you’ve once found.

If you have a positive attitude, if you know that you can do “without fighting, fights and bloodshed,” as they say in fairy tales, then you will achieve this peacefully. And if you think that you need to take it by the throat or wave your arms, belts, or anything else, you will grow up either an aggressive or downtrodden or unfriendly creature that will get out of your control at the first opportunity. You will reap the fruits of your unkind, stupid upbringing.

Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko
(Source: Pravmir)

_

I pray for my children.

God forbid they have bad weather along the way.
Warm them with your breath.
Send some simple happiness to them.
Simple, like bread taste,
Like the hubbub of birds at dawn.
Protect them from temptation
All the bad things in the world.
God bless my children.
May their road be smooth.
Don’t fill your cup of wealth,
And just give them a lot of health.
Send warmth to their hearts.
And give them selflessness.
Defense from wars and evil.
Don't deprive me of pure love.
Lord, I pray for the children -
With dawn.
At the end of the day.
Forgive their sins - have pity.
For those sins, execute me...__

___________________________________________________________________

Children in the temple

Source: Excerpt from the book of Archpriest Vladimir Vorobyov “Repentance, Confession, Spiritual Guidance”

...much more difficult problems arise in another case: when children grow up in a believing family. This is a problem that I don't know how to deal with. This is perhaps the most difficult and relevant thing for us.

Children raised in believing families eventually become bored with what their parents offer them. Parents and the priest must be prepared for this. Having become accustomed to everything churchly, as ordinary, ordinary, as something that is imposed by elders along with many other things, which is unpleasant, uninteresting, but necessary to do, they begin to not quite consciously reject all this. Such children begin to exhibit some kind of centrifugal energy. They want something new for themselves, they want to comprehend some unknown ways of life, and everything that their mother, or grandmother, or father says. all this already seems fresh.

Such children very easily find faults with church people, who begin to seem to them like hypocrites and boring moralists.

They very often no longer see anything bright enough in church life. Such a vector, such a direction from the church makes them essentially unable to perceive the grace of God. Participating in the sacraments, even in communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, essentially speaking, they do not experience anything; they turn out, oddly enough, in childhood they are unlikely to experience the communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ as a union with God, as a meeting with God. For them, this is one of the usual, Sunday, holiday states. For them, church often becomes a club where they can meet and talk with each other. They can talk about something interesting here, wait impatiently for the service to end and they will run away together somewhere in secret from their parents into the outside world, at least not the church world.

Sometimes it’s worse: they like to play pranks in church, even this happens, or make fun of various people who are here in the church, sometimes even the priests. If they know how to do something, if they study in a church choir, then they will be very happy to discuss how they sing today. endlessly all sorts of ridicule of choirs, of different singers, who sings how, who hears something, who can do what, who understands what. They always feel like little professionals who are able to appreciate all this. And in such ridicule, they can go through the entire liturgy and the entire all-night vigil. They may completely cease to feel the holiness of the Eucharistic canon. But it won’t hurt, when the Chalice is brought out, to be the first, or maybe not the first, on the contrary, let the little ones go ahead and very decorously approach the Chalice, take communion, then just as decorously leave, and after three minutes they are already free, everyone has already forgotten and again indulge in what is truly interesting. And the moment of communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ... this is all familiar to them, everything is known, all this is of little interest.

It is easy to teach children to always appear Orthodox: to go to services, to let the younger ones go to the Chalice first, to give up their seat. They can do all this, and this, of course, is good. It's nice to see such well-mannered children. But this does not mean at all that they live a spiritual life, that they truly pray to God, that they seek communication with God. This does not at all mean striving for a real union with the grace of God.

According to this way of life, difficulties arise in confession. A child who comes to confession from a young age (usually seven years old) receives communion very often according to tradition. Let's say, in our church, children receive communion at every liturgy to which they are brought or to which they come themselves. In fact, it happens once a week, sometimes more often.

Confession for them at first is very interesting and longed for, because it seems to them that when they confess, it means that they have grown up, that they have already become big. And the five-year-old child really wants to start confessing as soon as possible. And his first confessions will be very serious. He will come and say that he does not obey his mother, that he beat his sister, or that he did his homework poorly, or that he prayed to God poorly, and he will say all this very touchingly, seriously. But very soon, literally in a month or two, it turns out that he is completely used to it, and then whole years go by when he comes up and says: “I don’t obey, I’m rude, I’m lazy.” This is a short set of common childhood sins, very generalized. He blurts them out instantly to the priest. The priest, who is tortured by confession beyond all measure, naturally forgives and resolves it in half a minute, and all this turns into a terrifying formality, which, of course, harms the child more than it helps.

After several years, it turns out that for such a church child it is no longer clear that he should somehow work on himself. He is not even able to experience a real feeling of repentance in confession. It is not difficult for him to say that he did something bad. He says this quite easily. Just like if you bring a child to the clinic for the first time and force him to undress in front of the doctor, he will be embarrassed and it will be unpleasant for him. But, if he is in the hospital and every day he has to lift his shirt so that the doctor listens to him, then in a week he will do this completely automatically. It will not cause any emotions in him. So it is here. Confession no longer causes any distress in the child. The priest, seeing this, finds himself in a very difficult position. He doesn’t know how to deal with this, what to do so that the child comes to his senses.

There are some very striking examples when a child not only disobeys, is lazy and offends younger ones, but... he is blatantly disgraceful. For example, at school he interferes with the activities of the whole class, in the family he is a living negative example for all younger children and he simply openly terrorizes the family. Then he begins to behave disgracefully in society: swearing, smoking. That is, he begins to have sins that are completely unusual for church families. However, the priest does not know how to bring him to his senses. He tries to talk to him, tries to explain to him:

You know that this is not good, it is a sin.

Yes, he has known all this well for a long time, he knows perfectly well that this is a sin. He can even tense up for five minutes and say:

Yes, yes, I will try, I won’t do it again...

And you can't say he's lying. No, he's not lying. He will actually say it in the usual way, just as before dinner he can read the Lord's Prayer more or less seriously in one minute, but no more. After this familiar “Our Father” has passed, he again lives outside of prayer. So it is here. He can say something so that later he will be allowed to take communion. And after a day, after two, he returns to his tracks and continues to live the same way he lived. Neither confession nor communion bear fruit in his life.

In addition, the priest notices that the more he gets excited and begins to talk to this child more carefully, more seriously, the faster his funds are exhausted. And he will give almost everything he can, but will not achieve the goal. The child “eats” all this very quickly and continues to live the same way as he lived. We give him stronger medications, he absorbs them all, but they do not affect him. He is not sensitive to these drugs, he does not perceive anything. This is such a degree of petrification of conscience that is simply amazing. It turns out that with a believing child, the priest can no longer find any adequate language. He starts looking for another way, he gets angry with the child. But as soon as he starts to get angry, contact with him is completely lost. And such a child often says: “I won’t go to him again, to this Father Ivan. Well, he’s angry all the time, and here they are angry with me, and there they are angry with me”...

You see, this problem is one of the most difficult for a confessor. Here you need to think very hard about what you need to achieve here, what you need to strive for. It seems to me that we should strive to delay the start of confession as long as possible. Some naive mothers (there are a lot of them), if a child behaves badly at six years old, say:

Father, confess to him so that he begins to repent, maybe it will be better.

In fact, the sooner we start confessing him, the worse it is for him. We must remember that it is not for nothing that the Church does not impute sins to children until they are seven years old (and previously it was much longer). Children cannot be entirely responsible for everything in the same way as adults. Moreover, their sins, as a rule, are not mortal. They just behave badly. And it is better to allow them to take communion without confession than to profane the sacrament of repentance, which they are not able to truly perceive due to their small age.

You can confess such a sinner once every seven years, and then at eight years, and again. at nine. And delay the start of regular, frequent confession as long as possible, so that confession in no case becomes habitual for the child. This is not only my opinion, this is the opinion of many experienced confessors.

There is another very important limitation. Perhaps such children, who clearly suffer from addiction to the shrine, should also be limited in the sacrament of communion. In this case, it is better that children do not receive communion every week, then communion for the child will become an event. I'll tell you about my personal experience. When I was little (it was still Stalin’s time), the question was this: if I go to church all the time, then the schoolchildren who live nearby, my classmates, will definitely see me, they will report this to the school, and then, most likely, they will put me in prison. parents, and I will be kicked out of school. I grew up in a believing family, and my parents were believers from birth, almost all of our relatives were in prison, my grandfather was in prison three times, in prison and died: so there was a real danger, going to church was often impossible. And I remember every time I came to church. This was a great event for me. And, of course, there was no question of being naughty there... If you like, I went to church a few times as a child. It was very difficult, so it was always a huge holiday. I remember very well what a great event the first confession was for me. Then the second one (probably a year later), in general, throughout my entire childhood, I went to confession several times, just as I received communion several times throughout my entire childhood. For many years I simply did not receive communion or received communion extremely rarely; each time I had to suffer through it. Even as an adult, I experience the communion of the Holy Mysteries as a great event for myself. And it has never been otherwise. And, of course, I thank God that the Lord did not allow me to get used to the shrine, to get used to the church, to church life.

Oddly enough, the conditions of persecution, which prevented many from being believers, were more favorable for those who were still in the church. Not so now. I will say that my mother taught me to pray from birth, as soon as I can remember, I remember that I prayed to God every day in the morning and evening. I remember that she taught me to read “Our Father” and “Virgin Mother of God,” and I read these prayers almost until adulthood. And then I added “I Believe” and a few of my own words when I commemorated my loved ones. But this: morning prayers and evening prayers. I didn’t read as a child until quite late, that is, I began to read them when I wanted to do it myself, when it seemed to me that my prayer was not enough, I wanted to look at church books, and I saw morning and evening prayers there myself I discovered them for myself, found them and began to read them of my own free will.

I know that things are not like that in many families now. Now, on the contrary, parents try to force their children to pray as much as possible as early as possible. And aversion to prayer arises in a surprisingly quick time. I know how one wonderful old man directly wrote on this occasion to a big child: “You don’t need to read so many prayers to you, read only “Our Father” and “Rejoice to the Virgin Mary,” and don’t read anything else, nothing else is needed.” .

It is necessary that the child receives the holy and the great in such a volume as he is able to digest. What is the reason? My mother was raised in a religious family. And she taught me the same way she was taught. She remembered her childhood and taught her children from memory.

As it usually happens in life. And then there was a break in the continuity of spiritual experience and several generations dropped out of church life. Then they find church life as adults. When adult girls or women come, they are naturally given big rules, they truly repent. And when they get married and have children, they give their children everything that they once gave them when they came to church. Obviously this is what happens. They do not know how to raise children, because no one raised them in church life as children. They try to raise children the same way they raise adults. And this is a fatal mistake that leads to the most disastrous results.

I remember very well one of my mother's friends from a close church family who had many children. And I remember that she took her children to church from childhood. But how? She usually brought the children to the moment of communion, or very shortly before communion. They entered the church, where they had to behave absolutely reverently, there they had to tiptoe, fold their arms, take communion and immediately leave the church. She did not allow them to make a single turn of the head or say a single word in church. This is a shrine, this is the holy of holies. This is what she instilled in her children and they all grew up to be deeply religious people.

This is not how we do things anymore. Our mothers want to pray to God, they want to stand the entire all-night vigil, but there is nowhere to take the children. Therefore, they come to church with their children, let them go here, and themselves pray to God. And they think that someone else should take care of the children. And the children run around the temple, around the church, causing mischief, fighting in the temple itself. Mothers pray to God. The result is atheistic education. Such children will easily grow up to be revolutionaries, atheists, immoral people, because their sense of sacredness has been killed, they have no reverence. They don't know what it is. Moreover, the highest thing was knocked out of them - the shrine in its highest expression. Even the church, even the liturgy, even the communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. nothing is sacred to them anymore. What other authority will then be able to turn them towards the church is unknown.

That is why, it seems to me that it is very important for children to limit their visits to Church, the number of visits, and the time of visits. And maybe in communion, in confession. But this is very difficult, because as soon as we start giving the children communion without confession, there will be indignation, they will say: “How is it possible to take communion without confession after seven years?”

And so the disciplinary norm, which was introduced for adults, and which also has some irregularity in itself, turns out to be disastrous for children. We need to turn the lives of children around so that they deserve their church life. If you don’t suffer, then deserve it. You need to work hard somehow in order to be able to go to church.

It often happens that a child doesn’t want to go to church, but his mother grabs his hand and pulls him along:

No, you'll go to church!

He says:

I don't want to take communion.

No, you will receive communion!

And this causes complete disgust for everything in the child. The child begins to blaspheme and blaspheme right in front of the Chalice and beats the mother with his hands and feet and breaks away from the Chalice. But it should be just the opposite. Child says:

I want to take communion!

And the mother says:

No, you won’t take communion, you’re not ready, you’ve behaved badly this week.

He says:

I want to confess.

And she says:

No, I don’t allow you, you can’t go to church, you have to earn it.

It happens that children are taken from school to go to a church holiday. And it seems that this is good and I want them to join in the holiday and the grace of God. I have children myself, I do this myself, so I understand this very well. But here again there is a very big problem. This is only good when the child deserves it. And if he can always skip school and go to a holiday, then for him this holiday is already a holiday because he skips school, and not because it is, say, the Annunciation, or Christmas, or Epiphany, because he doesn’t need to go to school and prepare homework.

That is, all this is devalued and profaned to no end. And this is unacceptable. Perhaps it is better, more useful for the soul of a person, for the soul of a child, to say:

No, you will not be at the holiday, you will go to school and study.

Let him cry better at his school because he didn’t make it to church for the Annunciation. This will be more useful for him than coming to the temple and not appreciating anything at all, not feeling anything in the temple. Everything in a child's life must be rethought from this point of view.

And confession should not be so much persuasion, the priest should not so much shame as he should put everything in its place. He needs to take courage in spite of his parents, to say:

No, let your child not go to church yet.

Calmly, don’t get angry, don’t persuade, but say:

Such children bother us in church. Let your child come to church and receive communion once every few months...

When a young man wants to evade the army, his parents try in every possible way to protect him and save him. And the confessor says:

No, let him go serve. This will be more useful for him.

So it is here. The child needs to be given harsh conditions so that he understands that the church is an elusive goal for him.

During confession, the confessor should communicate with the child with great love. Don’t be a boring, strict teacher, try to convey to the child that he understands him, understands all his difficulties, I must tell him:

This is all true, of course. It’s really difficult for you, you really can’t cope. But what does this mean? This means that you do not need to take communion every week. If so, then come back in a month or two. Maybe you will come differently. You need to talk to the child quite seriously and force the parents to put all this in its place.

Church can only be a great, joyful, festive and difficult experience. Church life and confession should become desirable for the child, so that the child perceives communication with his spiritual father as something very, very important for him, joyful and difficult to achieve, very long-awaited. This will be so if the priest is able to find personal contact with the child at the right time.

Very often you have to wait out the transitional age, you have to reach 14, 15, 16 years. Not always, but it happens. Especially with boys, they can be incredibly naughty, and it’s simply impossible to talk to them seriously. It is necessary to reasonably limit their presence in church and participation in the sacraments. And then the time will come when it will be possible to say:

Well, now you’re big, you’ve grown up, let’s talk seriously...

And a kind of common life develops with the confessor, a personal relationship on a serious level, which becomes very valuable for a teenager.

All of the above about children can be summarized very briefly. Under no circumstances should confession be allowed to become simply a part of church life for children. If this happens, then this is a profanation, this is a very difficult problem to correct. Since we do not always have the opportunity to do what we think is necessary, we must be in the general mainstream, and in our church general confession is actually allowed, you can explain to the child that if he knows that he has no serious sins, then in this since he must be content with a prayer of permission.

Now let's move on to a similar problem with adults.

It is a great, great joy for a priest when some sinner or sinner comes after some misfortunes or life catastrophes that forced them to reconsider their life and find faith. He or she usually comes with very serious sins and cries at the lectern about his sins. And the priest feels that this person has come to truly repent, and now his new life begins. Such repentance is truly a holiday for the priest. He feels how the grace of God passes through him and renews this person, gives birth to him for a new life. It is in such cases that the priest understands what the sacrament of repentance is. This is truly a second baptism, it is truly a sacrament of renewal and union with God.

Such cases happen, and not so rarely. Especially when adults come. But then the person becomes an ordinary Christian. He began to go to church often, often confesses and receives communion, and over time he gets used to it.

Or maybe this is the same child who grew up in a believing family and has now become an adult. Maybe this is some good chaste girl. Nice, bright, look at her - a sight for sore eyes. But at the same time she does not live a spiritual life at all. He doesn’t know how to repent, he doesn’t know how to confess, he doesn’t know how to take communion, he doesn’t know how to pray. She reads out some of her own rules, often takes communion, but at the same time she does not know how to do it as she should. She has no spiritual work.

Such people, of course, do not behave like children. They do not run around the temple, do not talk or fight. They have a habit of championing all services. If from childhood, then it is already quite easy, it becomes a need. And you can stand like this all your life in church and be a good person in general. Don't do anything bad, don't kill, don't commit fornication and don't steal. But there may not be spiritual life.

You can go to church all your life, take communion, confess, and still not truly understand anything, not begin to live a spiritual life, or work on yourself. This happens very, very often. And, thank God, this is prevented by sorrows, of which there are quite a lot in our lives. Some difficult experiences, even serious sins and falls, turn out to be providentially allowed into a person’s life. No wonder there is such a proverb: “If you don’t sin, you won’t repent.”

It turns out that a person who grew up in the church often discovers for himself that real repentance is only when he somehow sins seriously. Until then, he had gone to confession a thousand times, but he had never understood, never felt what it was like. This, of course, does not mean that you need to want everyone to fall into serious, mortal sins. This means the need for our church life to be very clear. It must be something difficult for a person to begin to work internally. And the task of the confessor is to make sure that the person works, works, so that he does not just carry out some of his usual everyday routines, serving some holidays, some services. He needs to have a goal so that he can achieve this goal. Each person should have his own program of spiritual life.

If we don’t bring a baby to church, don’t teach him to pray, if we don’t have an icon or Gospel at home, if we don’t try to live piously, then we are preventing him from coming to Christ. And this is our most important sin, which also falls on our children.

priest Alexy Grachev

FOR CHILDREN ABOUT PRAYER. "Our Father".

What does it mean to ALWAYS remember God? Of course, this means never forgetting that He is nearby and sees everything. It would be good to think more often, especially when it’s difficult for you or, conversely, if you are very carried away by some kind of self-indulgence, to think like this: “Right now God is looking at me.” And immediately talk to God - and this is called PRAYING - tell Him: “Help me, Lord,” “Lord, have mercy,” or simply “Forgive me, Lord” (if you feel that you did something wrong). It’s also very good to thank the Lord more often: “Glory to God for everything!”, “Thank you, Lord!”

But this is not the whole conversation with God. You like to talk with your dad, mom, and friends, right? So sometimes you need to talk with Heavenly Father longer. These conversations especially happen in the morning, when you just woke up, and in the evening, before going to bed. They are called: morning prayers and evening prayers. These prayers are very wise, kind and beautiful - over time you will definitely learn them. But among them there is one most important, most holy prayer, which Jesus Christ Himself gave us - it is called the Lord’s Prayer “Our Father.” It’s time for you to start learning this prayer now - after all, you are not so small anymore. Listen to how it sounds:

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, as it is in Heaven and on earth! Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors, and do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one!

Of course, now you understand almost nothing in this prayer, but don’t be embarrassed, it won’t last long. Soon you will understand everything very well, and I will briefly explain it to you.

What does it mean? “Our Father” seems understandable, but at the same time somehow unusual. And it’s not surprising - after all, the “Our Father” prayer, like other prayers that you will read at home and hear in church, are written in Church Slavonic. This is not a foreign language; many centuries ago our ancestors prayed this way on our holy land. This ancient book language gave a lot to our modern Russian language, embellished it and spiritualized it.

“Our Father” in Russian means “Our Father.” It's clear? It’s very similar to how we’re talking now, right? Now listen further:

“Who art thou in Heaven” - Who abides (is, lives) in Heaven (of course, not on the clouds, but in the very depths of the universe, or rather, above everything that is in this world).

“Hallowed be your name” - may your holy and bright name always shine for all people, just as it sanctifies the entire universe, all the angelic and heavenly worlds - abodes of love and joy.

“Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, as it is in heaven and on earth” - and may the same order be restored as soon as possible in this world on earth and may there be beauty as in those worlds in Heaven, and may all people see Your holy good will (that is, what You command them to do) and they will fulfill it in everything with joy and gratitude.

“Give us this day our daily bread” - Grant us, our Heavenly Father, earthly food for our body and heavenly food for our soul, so that every day of our life we ​​do not suffer from physical or mental hunger.

“And forgive us our debts, just as we forgive our debtors” - Oh, this is very important! Listen: And forgive us our debts to You, that is, our sins, just as we forgive those who have offended us. Think about it - in these words we ask God to forgive us our sins (bad deeds, even thoughts), but on the condition that we forgive everything to our neighbors: parents, relatives, friends, and in general, random people we meet. Know that if we are offended by someone (how often this happens “out of context”), or even if someone really offended us, or was somehow unfair to us, then we must forgive him with all our hearts, honestly , and not to be offended, and not to be angry, and not to take revenge - after all, we promise this to God. Only then will he forgive us, we have enough bad things to do, right?

“And do not lead us into temptation” - Help us, Lord, to refrain from all evil within us and protect us from all evil around us.

“But deliver us from the evil one” - You, Lord, as the All-Powerful Defender, protect us, Your children, from the attack of our most terrible enemy - the devil. He is called the evil one, that is, a deceiver, because when he does mean things, he always pretends to be kind - like the wolf in “Little Red Riding Hood”, and strives to deceive us, lead us away from God and destroy us.

So the Lord’s Prayer has become clearer to you. Listen to the whole thing again, as it sounds in modern Russian:

Our Father who lives in Heaven! Hallowed be your name, let your kingdom come, let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us the bread we need every day, and forgive us our sins, as we forgive every debtor we have, and do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.

Priest Mikhail Shpolyansky

Trusting, pure, simple

The soul of a child is given by God
To parents, like an empty vase,
Open from edge to bottom.
A word spoken carelessly
Which, like a bird, cannot be returned,
Trust can shake its foundations,
Like the most blatant lie.

You said one thing, but you do another,
And he condemned his neighbor in front of the children...
And with this the heart is pure, simple
He littered his own child.

And, using caution inappropriately,
I imposed a preconceived understanding,
And thus personal judgment is possible
And he took away the freedom of choice.

The character of children is malleable, flexible,
But you can bend it and break it.
Parental mistakes can't be counted,
And yet they can often be avoided.

Spiritual flower garden - The Bible of the Lord,
The honey of wisdom in her flows over the edge,
And with what I collected for myself today,
Feed your children's souls.

Trusting, flexible, simple,
Those who do not know the true paths, -
What do you fill empty vases with?
What are you sowing in the souls of pure children?

V. Kushnir

CHILDREN'S HAPPINESS AND THE FIFTH COMMANDMENT

Children's happiness, in my deep conviction, is when children grow up in an atmosphere where the Fifth Commandment is observed. I will remind you of the Fifth Commandment - everyone knows it well, I am convinced that the vast majority of our viewers are believers. The fifth commandment is: “Honor your father and your mother, that good may come to you, and that you may live long on earth.” It is good for a child to obey his parents; it is true happiness when a child has a father and mother. And now, unfortunately, there are many “well-wishers” who, for any reason, try to take away this happiness from a child, take away his father and mother. There are many possibilities for this: either at school or in another place the child will be told: you know, you have rights, think about it, when you come home, think about it, look carefully: are your parents violating your rights? Maybe they force you to wash your hands before sitting down at the table? Or maybe you get up in the morning - they force you to make the bed behind them? They are grossly violating your rights! Maybe you want to go out as long as you want, and with whoever you want, and come back whenever you want, but your parents say that you have to be home at 21.00? Know, child, that your parents are grossly violating your rights! Such well-wishers, no matter how high, noble, but in fact deeply deceitful motives they may be guided by, are true enemies for the child. Why? Because they change the child’s consciousness, they paint his own parents in negative colors. And since the child’s soul is still malleable, and malleable for both good and evil, therefore, if a child is taught from childhood: “baby, you have rights, but not to talk about responsibilities,” then the child’s psyche is deformed. Then the child will start knocking his legs and waving his arms - thereby the child destroys himself, without noticing, thinking that he is marching under the banner of the freedom of his rights. Therefore, such children need to be explained in time that the most important right a child has is the right to obey and honor their parents. And those who are trying to take away this right from him are his enemies, in fact. Because they deprive him of the blessing that the Lord commanded those who honor their parents, and they deprive him of hope for longevity. Look - in Rus', and especially in the republics of the North Caucasus, there are many long-livers. You ask any person who has lived over 80-90 years - he has a clear memory, good eyesight and hearing, and even a strong handshake, which would seem unusual for a 90-year-old man. You ask: how did you achieve this? He doesn’t say that there is clean air and good water here, but he says: I honored my parents. And for this the Lord rewarded him with longevity. Therefore, even in a big noisy city, where the environment may not be entirely desirable, a person can achieve longevity provided that he honors his parents. An example of this is the holy myrrh-bearing women, who not only served the Lord during His earthly life, but also after His Resurrection worked hard to preach the Gospel among the pagans. Holy Equal-to-the-Apostles Mary Magdalene, for example, after the Ascension of the Lord, preached the faith of Christ in many countries and even visited Rome. A legend has been preserved that, while in the city of Rome, the holy Equal-to-the-Apostles Mary Magdalene appeared before Tiberius Caesar and told him everything about Christ the Savior; from Rome she arrived in the city of Ephesus to Saint John the Theologian and there also preached about Christ. Another myrrh-bearer, Saint Mariamne, sister of the holy Apostle Philip, accompanied her brother and shared with him and with the Apostle Bartholomew the labors and sufferings of preaching the Holy Gospel; in some cities, the three of them tirelessly preached the Word of God day and night, instructed the unfaithful on the path of salvation and led many to Christ. After the martyrdom of her holy brother, Saint Mariamne went to Lycaonia to the pagans, preached the Holy Gospel there and rested in peace. Saint Junia, a relative of the holy Apostle Paul, together with Saint Andronicus, who belonged to the ranks of the seventy apostles, also worked zealously in preaching the Holy Gospel. Saint Irene the Great Martyr was such a great evangelist of the Holy Gospel that she converted her parents, the entire royal house, and about eighty thousand inhabitants of the city of Mageddon to Christ; in the city of Kallipolis she led up to one hundred thousand people to Christ, and in Thrace, in the city of Mesemvria, she converted the king and all the people to the faith of Christ.
Some of the women, for their zeal in spreading the faith of Christ, received the name Equal-to-the-Apostles in our Church; this is Saint Mary Magdalene, the holy first martyr Thekla, the holy Queen Helen, Saint Olga, the Grand Duchess of the Russian Land, and others. In general, it must be said that women worked hard to spread the faith of Christ on earth.
Christian women! And you must imitate the high example of the holy myrrh-bearing women, collaborators of the holy apostles, and other holy women who worked to spread the faith of Christ. Your preaching about Christ is still very necessary and can be fruitful. To whom will we preach the faith of Christ? - you ask. To your children; your family is the place for your preaching. And how much good a Christian mother can do for her children! How easily she can instill in the hearts of young children the fear of God, love of neighbor, obedience and many other Christian virtues and rules of piety! A pious Christian mother will be able, better than anyone else, to teach her children to believe, and love, and hope in God, and to work, and to take care of their parental property - in a word, to live according to the law and commandments of God. For to whom are children closer, if not to their mother? Let every Christian mother, who feeds her children physically out of a feeling of love for them, also feed them with spiritual food. If a son grows up to be a believer and pious, then he will fear God, and will love, respect, obey his parents, and take care of them in their old age, and will not dare to disobey his father or mother and offend them.
From the time of pagan persecution of Christians, many examples of firmness in faith, love and obedience of children raised by Christian mothers are known. One mother said this to her son during persecution: “My son! Do not count your years, but from a very young age begin to carry the true God in your heart. Nothing in the world is worthy of such ardent love as God; You will soon see what you leave for Him and what you gain in Him!” And the mother’s suggestions were not in vain. “From whom did you learn that there is one God?” - the pagan judge asked one Christian youth. The boy answered: “My mother taught me this, and the Holy Spirit taught my mother, and taught me so that she could teach me. When I rocked in the cradle and sucked at her breast, that’s when I learned to believe in Christ!”
Read also, for example, the life of the Roman Saint Sophia with her three daughters: Faith, Hope and Love - there you will see a great example of a Christian woman worthy of attention and imitation. Saint Sophia tried and did sow in the hearts of her young daughters the seeds of the true faith of Christ: they proved the firmness and immutability of their faith, enduring terrible torment for the name of Christ... In vain, the heartless tormentors persuaded them to betray the Christian faith: they gave their lives for the faith that their pious mother, Saint Sophia, instilled it in their hearts.
After the death of her husband, Saint Emilia left nine children. She raised all of them in deep faith and piety. Three of them later became bishops and great teachers of the Church: Basil the Great of Caesarea, Gregory of Nyssa and Peter of Sebaste.
The pious Christian Nonna, the mother of St. Gregory the Theologian, converted her husband Gregory, who was later bishop of the Cappadocian city of Nazianza, to Christianity. Righteous Nonna prayed to the Lord to give her a son and promised to dedicate him to His service. The Lord fulfilled her fervent prayer: a son was born to her and was named Gregory. The pious mother tried to instill in her son, from his adolescence, faith in God, love for Him and the rules of Christian piety. Having been brought up in faith and piety, Gregory became the bishop of Constantinograd, was a great teacher and was nicknamed the Theologian.
And the pious Anfusa, the mother of St. John Chrysostom, having become a widow in the twentieth year of her life, did not want to enter into a second marriage, but began raising her son and especially tried to ensure that he studied the Divine Scripture. And nothing later could erase this Christian pious upbringing from the soul of her son: neither the bad examples of his comrades, nor the pagan teachers.
The example of Monica, the mother of St. Augustine, shows especially clearly what a Christian mother can do for her children. Blessed Augustine received his first instruction in faith and piety from his mother. But, not having time to strengthen himself in the truths of the holy faith, living in a circle of depraved comrades, he became carried away by their example, began to lead a disorderly life and even fell into heresy; however, thanks to the care and fervent prayers of his mother, he was again directed to the true path and returned to God.
This is how great, beneficial and soul-saving the influence of a Christian mother is on her children!.. Therefore, Christian women, teach your children the main and fundamental rules of the faith of Christ, the commandments of God, prayers, raise them in the fear of God and, thus, prepare from them true children of the Christian Church, good and zealous workers for society and faithful servants of our Fatherland; This is your main responsibility, this is your preaching of the Holy Gospel! By Christian upbringing and teaching children the faith and fear of God and your own example of a good and pious life, you will ensure the well-being and happiness of your children, for which you will receive mercy and blessing from God in this life, and in the future life you will be rewarded with bliss and glory. Oh, blessed is that Christian mother who gave birth to temporary life and prepared her children for eternal life! Such a mother will fearlessly appear before the Righteous Judge and boldly say: “Here I am and the children whom You gave me, Lord!”

Priest Alexander Dyachenko (excerpt from the book)

Pray, mothers, for your children, when they see the light of God, when they are enlightened by holy Baptism... Oh, how necessary is maternal prayer at this time! “Will something happen this boy?” - everyone said at the birth of John the Baptist. Doesn’t a similar question come to mind when you see every child? Will something happen to him, to this newly born one, then to the newly enlightened one, and finally to this carelessly smashing little one? How will he get through the slippery and thorny path of life that he has embarked on? Will he overcome the dangers? Will he overcome the temptations awaiting him here, will he fulfill the vows given at baptism? Will he be a Christian in life or only in name? What if his mother carried him under her heart only so that he would later destroy the name of God with his life, live to the detriment of others and his own destruction? But you, Mothers, are afraid to even imagine this.

So pray for the child, pray precisely at the time when he is just entering the whirlpool of life.

Holy Righteous John of Kronstadt
ABOUT RAISING CHILDREN. CHILDREN ABOUT GOD.

Parents and educators! Protect your children with all care from the whims before you, otherwise the children will soon forget the value of your love, infect their hearts with malice, early lose the holy, sincere, ardent love of their hearts, and upon reaching adulthood they will bitterly complain that there is too much in their youth. cherished them, indulged the whims of their hearts. Caprice is the germ of heart corruption, the rust of the heart, the moth of love, the seed of malice, an abomination to the Lord.

Saint John of Kronstadt Do not leave children without attention regarding the eradication from their hearts of the tares of sins, nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts, sinful habits, inclinations and passions; the enemy and the sinful flesh do not spare even children, the seeds of all sins are in children; Present to your children all the dangers of sins on the path of life, do not hide sins from them, so that, through ignorance and lack of understanding, they do not become entrenched in sinful habits and addictions, which grow and bear corresponding fruits as children come of age.

In education, it is extremely harmful to develop only the reason and mind, leaving the heart without attention - the heart needs to be paid attention most of all; the heart is life, but life spoiled by sin; you need to cleanse this source of life, you need to light a pure flame of life in it, so that it burns and does not go out and gives direction to all the thoughts, desires and aspirations of a person, his entire life. Society is corrupted precisely because of the lack of Christian education. It’s time for Christians to understand the Lord, what He wants from us - it is He who wants a pure heart: “Blessed are those who are pure in heart” (Matthew 5:8). Listen to His sweetest voice in the Gospel. And the true life of our heart is Christ (“Christ lives in me”) (Gal. 2:20). Learn all the wisdom of the apostle; this is our common task - to instill Christ in the heart by faith.

Man, they say, is free; he cannot or should not force himself either in faith or in teaching. Lord have mercy! What a diabolical opinion! If you don’t force it, then what will come out of people after that? Well, what will come of you, herald of newly invented rules, if you do not force yourself to do anything good, but live the way your vicious heart, your proud, short-sighted and blind mind, your sinful flesh wants you to live? Tell me what will become of you? Don’t you force yourself to do anything, I don’t say directly good, but even though it is necessary and useful? How can you do without forcing yourself? How can Christians not be encouraged and forced to fulfill the requirements of faith and piety? Doesn’t it say in the Holy Scriptures that “the Kingdom of Heaven is in need,” that “the needy delights it” (Matthew II, 12)? How can we not force boys, especially, to study and pray? What will come of them? Aren't they sloths? Aren't they naughty? Will they not learn all kinds of evil?

The goal of Christian education is to gain the fullness of spiritual existence, the joy of spiritual existence, because when a person’s soul rejoices, he needs little in this world; and when the soul grieves, nothing in this world can bring him joy.

Christian education consists of teaching a person to please God with his life, just as a child tries to please his parents.

prot. Evgeny Shestun

Taxi drivers are talkative people. People often ask what I do. The answer “housewife” causes some to respectfully: “Oh! This is working in two shifts!”, while others have the exact opposite: “Ah! You don’t do anything.” The second reaction is typical for drivers from the Muslim world. They are not even afraid to seem impolite.

Later, I learned to state solidly and succinctly: “Translator.” Although I worked as a translator at most twice a week for two to three hours. And the rest of the time, without days off or lunch breaks, I was a housewife, the mother of two boys the same age at that time.

We are forced to have complexes. What kind of job is a mother? Unrespectable. Unprestigious. Not modern. We are taught to follow the example of such mothers who, a month after the birth of their child, are already back at work, in the fitness club, in their previous form. It’s as if nothing has changed since the birth of the child. And the admiration of friends and acquaintances: “Well, really, it’s as if I never gave birth!” The figure is the same, the interests are the same, the ability to work is the same.” Bravo, and that's all. Can you imagine this picture: Cinderella waited for the prince, but nothing in her life has changed: the same job, the same appearance, the same interests. This means that princes are still called upon to radically change our lives. What about children?

“I’ve completely fallen down: I’m sitting at home with my child,” the researcher justifies himself. Well, that's how to understand it. Some people go down, and some people go up.

One friend, well off with her husband, competed with him all the time, hurt by his success. “I don’t want to take my husband’s surname and depend on him. I want to achieve my own success, glorify my own name.”

In general, I come to the conclusion that this is a big inferiority complex. Well, why shout about your equality at every step? This is something I have never suffered from. Well, I don’t feel like I’m any worse than a man. Well, tell me, why is a hand inferior to a leg? Or is the ear inferior to the eye? Why do they need equality? They're just different. Equally necessary.

And if I make modest progress in the male field, is it really necessary to be sad about this? I would like to realize my potential in women's. Well, I like it, my field. And I always liked it. My boys feel this and say: “Oh, what a pity that only mothers can feed their babies.” What's it like? They see that pregnancy and nursing a child do not burden me, but on the contrary, I am full of mystery and seem to them to be a mysterious creature.

You can probably learn to play the piano with your feet. What for? You can hammer nails with a microscope, but are there enough hammers for this purpose? I consider my mother’s work to require special skills and qualifications, compared to which sorting out paperwork in a company is like hammering in nails, you don’t need much intelligence.

And here’s what the character in Chekhov’s story thinks about this:

“Men are frivolous at home, they live with their minds and not with their hearts, they don’t understand much, but a woman understands everything. Everything depends on her. Much has been given to her, and much will be demanded from her. Oh dear, if she had been stupider or weaker than a man in this regard, then God would not have entrusted her with raising boys and girls.”

God trusted, and did not hang her, did not punish her in this way, did not force her to do it, because she was not capable of the best.

The most important thing is women's happiness

Among my friends and acquaintances there are two poles. At one extreme is the mother of four children, the wife of a professor, who believes that if we are not talking about basic survival (we do not consider such cases), then it is a crime on the part of the mother to go to work and deprive the children of maternal care. The other pole is clear what it is, and there is a majority. “I don’t want to stand at the stove for ages, I want to realize myself, express myself, etc.” I am somewhere between the two poles, but I gravitate towards the first.

I am especially interested in the issue of self-realization. What do we mean by this? Obviously, self-realization for a violinist is music, for an astronaut - space, for a writer - literature. And so on. But some violinist wants a nosebleed! - be realized in medicine. And the writer will become famous as a sea captain. If a person is versatile, then he will find himself in various fields. But is it necessary to distort your nature?

Why should a woman be ashamed of wanting to realize herself as a mother?

I heard about a woman who successfully raised six children and did not give up her favorite mathematics. I shared my admiration with my mother. “What’s especially surprising here? I’ve always said: a talented person is talented in everything!”

In the third year of marriage, I called my favorite teacher, an unusually talented and eccentric woman. As a phonetics teacher, she could guess a lot from the voice.

“Wait,” she told me when I introduced myself, “don’t say anything. I’ll tell you everything myself now, and you can tell me whether I’m right or wrong. So that's it. First of all, you cut your hair. How did I know? It’s so elementary: you have the voice of a freshly cut woman! Secondly, she revealed herself as a person. If you had told me that you would call me someday, I would never have believed it. At the institute you were reserved, always to yourself. Married, has children. How many children? Two boys? So, we still need a girl. I never gave birth to a girl, and I regret it all my life. In short, I’ll tell you what: the most important thing is feminine. Everything else is nonsense, you can trust me.”

Of course, there are mothers who have no support, who... There are situations where the only way out is for mom to go to work. But much more often it is not about basic survival, not about the husband’s meager salary. And it’s all about the same thing – about self-realization. About running away from home to work so as not to go crazy. About not limiting your world to a house that smells of poop and formula.

One friend, who gave birth to her first and only child at the age of thirty-seven, told with a laugh how she ran to work early in the morning and only there she relaxed, combed her hair, calmly drank coffee and came to her senses.

Another admitted that when she sent her first child to a nursery, she didn’t even think about other options: she had to write a dissertation and make her way in life. With the second, it suddenly dawned on me: a child is not a toy. It cannot be “surrendered.” They need to be taken seriously. The professionalism of private nannies and employees of child care institutions is not a guarantee of the successful development of a child.

When I told the department that I was going on maternity leave, the head of the department said: “Oh, this is terrible... I mean, wonderful!” And she sadly raised her eyes to the ceiling. But everything settled down and they found a replacement for me. When I announced the second maternity leave, without leaving the first, she cheerfully said: “Well, well done! Now science has proven that a child cannot be surrendered to anyone until he is three years old. Mom’s kisses and hugs are all he needs for the first three years.”

I remember the withdrawal I had with my first child. Shock: I no longer belong to myself. The first calm cup of coffee and an article in a magazine a month after giving birth. The desire to live for oneself. Postpartum depression. I felt so sorry for myself, my beloved. With the second one everything was easier, more fun, without shock. Understanding began to come with the third baby.

I enjoyed every minute of communication with him, without any artistic exaggeration.

I recently read that scientists allegedly discovered a flow... I don’t like this word, but there’s no escape, a flow of energy, rays emanating from the mother’s eyes and penetrating directly into the child’s brain, and the brain immediately begins to develop intensively, and so on.

I don’t know if it’s possible to detect the rays of love flowing from my mother’s eyes with the help of instruments, but measure or measure, but my mother’s love flows through her gaze. And it has a powerful effect on the child’s soul, mind, heart, and psyche. You can limit this irradiation with love to short-term evening and morning sessions, and the rest of the time irradiate the child mentally at work. If time permits and the boss is not harmful. It’s like bringing a light-loving plant into the light periodically. No one deprives a plant of light! Well, this morning they shined a light on him. Well, in the evening too. What else does he need? Try to explain this to the plant. I hope it understands. And then compare this plant with another that always grows in the sun.

I like one short word in the arguments of women who strive to work unnecessarily, and even in spite of their husbands. Try to guess it.

Reason number one: To stay at home until I’m three years old would drive me crazy.
Reason number two– I need my own sources of income.
Reason number three- the work is interesting.
Reason number four– I want to realize myself not only as a mother and housewife.

“Sitting at home, I’m degrading as a person, it’s one continuous Groundhog Day.”

“I would go out, just not to see the family that absolutely made me cry.”

All of the above is united by the capacious word “I” and its derivatives. I want, I need, I have a need. The child's wishes and needs are not considered in principle.

The child lived with his mother for nine months, and suddenly he has to stay with strangers. An infant experiences separation from its mother as a catastrophe. For him there is no concept of time. He does not understand that separation is temporary, for him it is eternal. I also read somewhere that people who were not loved by their mother in early childhood and were not breastfed are more prone to have sex in adolescence. This is not because of special depravity, but because of the desire for tenderness, love, and security. I don’t know how well-founded this opinion is, but it seems to me that there is something in it.

By the way, it seems to me that mothers who have not realized their teaching potential in their time will most likely become overbearing mothers-in-law or annoying mothers-in-law. Now, with grandchildren, it finally comes to fruition. I want to know the joy of motherhood. Better late than never. “The first child is the last doll, the first grandchild is the first child.”

Here's another point of view from the same forum:

I really don’t understand the option when a mother goes to work and spends all the money she earns on a nanny.

I want to take care of my child for the entire prescribed period and then go to work, and not be forced to look for someone else’s aunt, who will have to replace me for most of the day and at the most important moments of my child’s life.

It’s just that now it’s fashionable to work and make a career, and it’s not fashionable to be with your child when he needs you most. My grandmother is 80 - she still works... I started working at 18, while studying full-time. Out of 62 years of work, in my opinion it is quite possible to allocate 3 per child... by the way, a mother is not the same as a housewife, for some reason everyone confuses this all the time.

I don’t take into account force majeure financial situations, that’s a different topic. But the option when there is no financial need, there is also no particular desire for self-realization, but a woman wants to “live beautifully” and she leaves a three-month-old child for this, it seems disgusting and disgusting to me.

Over the past three years, I’ve been so fed up with work that I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy. I slept four hours a day and ate whatever I had to, whenever I had to - now on maternity leave I at least look like a human being :-)

It is quite possible to realize yourself at home. True, everyone’s concept of self-realization is different.

This is a purely Russian stereotype - sitting at home means you are a stupid chicken, uninteresting to your husband and others.

I think that most are eager to go to work because they cannot do anything interesting to do at home. In the “baby” community, quite often it is from these mothers that questions like “What to do with a child?” come from.

Weak people always look for external causes of their problems.

Why should you sit at home if you don’t need to go to work? On the contrary, those who do not work have much more time for all kinds of entertainment. Or does personal development only happen when chatting with girlfriends?

But we remembered that there is more than one child:

Hmm, people around you, what do you suggest mothers of 2 or more children should do? Kill yourself against the wall? Kidding.

Judging by the comments, such mothers need to give up their careers or hang themselves from their aprons.

Lay the foundation of

Let's look at British statistics.

Here is the pattern that British sociologists have drawn: success in life, education, and professional careers of 1,263 representatives of the “group of the 70s” was directly dependent on whether their mothers worked in the early period of their childhood or not and how time was divided mothers between work and home.

The greatest success befell those whose mothers devoted themselves to their baby until the child was five years old, sacrificing their professional career for him during this time. It was these “mother’s” children who turned out to be more successful than other peers in their studies, in their future professional careers, and finally, they were simply more confident and happier in life. The dependence between the time spent by the mother within the walls of the house and the success of her child in school, as it turned out, is so great that any extra hour “won” by the child from his mother’s professional career added additional points to him in his subsequent achievements...

However, the researchers measured not only the children’s intellectual development and their ability to learn, but also their mental and emotional state. The dependence of the latter on the mother’s presence within the walls of the house has been quite eloquently proven here: among those whose mothers worked only a year and a half before their children turned five, various kinds of psychological problems arose less often in their adult lives - they were noted in 23 percent...

“The results of our study are clear,” says its leader, Professor John Ermisch, “if parents failed to devote sufficient time to their children in their preschool years, they thereby increased the risk of negative consequences for their offspring in the future.”

In other words, it is impossible to postpone laying the foundation for a successful future for your child until “later.” And if parents calculate their family’s strategy in such a way that they first get on their feet themselves, earning money, official positions, connections, etc., and at the same time postponing caring for a growing baby until better times, then they are thereby making a strategic mistake. For neither the subsequently “purchased” places in prestigious educational institutions, nor the provision of all conceivable benefits to the grown-up offspring will no longer make up for or compensate for the moment of truth missed at an early age. The daily presence of the mother, hourly communication with the baby is as precious for his personal development as mother’s milk is precious for his physical development...

But if, first of all, this study appeals directly to parents, then not secondarily – to the state, the author of labor legislation and social policy. “Our study argues for policies that support parents' rights to long-term paid leave to care for and raise children,” the authors say. “By providing parents with these rights and opportunities, we are investing in the high potential of our tomorrow’s workforce”...

In one of the countries where such a policy is most consistently pursued, a married woman, as a rule, leaves her job. And she returns to service only when her primary duty to society, from the point of view of Japanese morality, has been fulfilled - when her children have gotten back on their feet, grown up and become stronger...

It is this morality and precisely this policy that works perfectly both for the benefit of the prosperous Japanese economy and for the benefit of the Japanese family.

Survival tactics at home

And yet, being a stay-at-home mom sometimes leaves an unpleasant imprint on women: memory and mental flexibility may deteriorate, self-esteem is low, the range of interests is narrowed, and depression may develop. Everyone’s situation is very different, and there is no panacea for these misfortunes, although you can try to derive general principles.

First. It is advisable to feel like a full-fledged member of the family from the very beginning of family life. It is good to realize your unworthiness before God, and not before your husband. Only the most highly organized men are able to value their wives higher than they value themselves.

Yes, the wife is an assistant to her husband, and her work is no less important and should be respected first of all to herself. When a woman is fine with her self-esteem, this is usually passed on to those around her. Not petty bargaining about who is better and more important, but a calm consciousness of one’s own strength and significance. Unfortunately, I know examples where a woman tacitly agrees that she is just an appendage of her husband, which can be painlessly removed if desired. I know situations where a woman is instilled with an inferiority complex. Financially dependent means a freeloader.

Having come to terms with such an assessment from her husband or mother-in-law, a woman may indeed recognize herself as a freeloader. By the age of fifty, this may get boring, but try, throw off the yoke that you voluntarily accepted thirty years ago. To avoid getting into such a situation, you must prevent it from the very beginning. Simple arithmetic comes to the rescue: the work of a cook, housekeeper and nanny is now very expensive. Analysts calculated that if you pay the average housewife for each position she performs at home (nanny, maid, accountant, etc.), then she should receive 47,280 rubles. per month.

By the way, a non-working mother has more time to master the complex art of planning a family budget. Sometimes she finds brilliant options, and saving means making money. In general, what is marriage? With harness. A husband and wife are driving a cart. Both themselves and the children. There is no time for arguing about who is in charge. Both are irreplaceable. The more smoothly they drive, the easier it goes.

Second. You must have some kind of passion, hobby. Reading, sports, embroidery, music, growing flowers, cats - whatever. This does not mean that you need to put a lot of effort and time into it. To nourish it, it is enough to do what you love, albeit a little, but regularly.

Third. Nowadays, there are unusually many opportunities; distances can be overcome with the help of the Internet. From my own experience, I know that participation in forums based on interests helps: there are forums for young and experienced mothers, literary communities, and various virtual clubs. It doesn’t matter if the mothers in the yard are not accepted into your company or their company is not interesting to you. You can always find a like-minded person, even virtually.

But I wouldn’t neglect live human communication either. Let your neighbor tell you once again about what you have heard for a long time. After all, she is a nice woman, and she can look after the child while you run to the market.

Fourth. Avoid the inferiority complex like fire. If there is an opportunity to master a computer, learn to write emails, drive a car, learn to swim, you should use this chance. No, you are not stupid or a coward. You are a smart, capable young woman. And me too. In this connection, I promise to go to driving courses, which, with my topographic cretinism, poor eyesight and weak reaction, I am deathly afraid of. Sorry, you didn't hear that. For better orientation on the terrain, the mechanic advised me to first ride a bicycle along the roads being developed. So I take my husband’s bike and start driving around the neighborhood. Join us!

Fifth. Regular relieving of the mother from the household routine and periodic release of her into the wild by a nanny, grandmother, friend and other person suitable for this purpose. Don’t rush to throw tomatoes at me for those who can’t afford it. This is also not available to me for most of my married life. We live far from our grandmothers, and the nannies bite. That is, prices for nannies. But even here you can find a way out. For example, mutual assistance between friends and children: you give me, I give you. Although I got burned by something like this once. “You to me” turned out to be incomparably easier than “I to you.” But we need to try again.

Sixth. Make it a rule to give yourself a little rest. For example, a friend of mine does not and never had money for a nanny, but she rested in her own way: she walked for forty-five minutes every day. Alone, without a restless child. In any weather. Otherwise I just fell apart. Despite the domestic order prevailing in the family, she forced her husband to respect this iron and strict rule. And I couldn’t think of anything better. The husband turned out to be an intelligent man, and he also saw the daily fruits of such mental relief and physical activity. His wife rewarded him with great patience and endurance in an unequal battle with everyday life and his son, the natural leader of the Redskins.

By the way, a Jewish joke. A mother with many children comes from the market and, locking herself in the kitchen, eats calmly and tastefully. Children burst into the kitchen, knock and ask: “Mom, what are you doing there?” Mom replies: “I’m making you a healthy mother!”

When I come across pathetic statements from young girls on forums that “a real mother cannot get tired of children, she must think only about them every minute, forget about herself,” I immediately calculate: eighteen years old, unmarried. And I think: “Uh, honey! Live with mine! I was like you too. And you'll probably be like me. If you can implement what you demand from us, I will be the first to applaud you.”

Seventh. There is no need to wait for favors from nature, or the salvation of drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves. If you are romantic and expect your husband to act like the hero of a novel or TV series, you may wait until you are old and become disappointed in people. Take the initiative. You are tired, you urgently need to go to a concert or to the cinema, but your spouse does not notice this. You hint, but he doesn’t take the hint. In this case, do not wait resentfully for an invitation. Invite him yourself! Buy tickets, arrange with a friend to babysit the children, and relax. My husband will appreciate it. Verified.

Eighth. Try not to wait for an emergency, but to prevent it. Here it is accumulating, accumulating, accumulating... Don’t wait idly for it to break out. I understand: there is no money, no time, it’s somehow awkward to spend on yourself, there are more pressing needs... If you’re completely fed up, there are no more pressing needs than rest. We need to understand and come to terms with this.

One day, our elderly friend with a long family history found me on the verge of a breakdown. I complained that we absolutely couldn’t celebrate the wedding day, because... a nanny plus a road plus a cafe is very expensive. To which he replied: “A psychiatrist is more expensive.”

Mothers sitting within four walls have tactics for surviving at home. Everyone has their own.

When I, overwhelmed by depression about being confined to four walls all the time, complained to the priest, he uttered wonderful words: “Just don’t think that this is your cross. If the situation is absolutely unbearable, you need to think about how to change it.”

There was simply no money for many beneficial changes in the form of nannies and regular holidays with my husband, but I continued to search. Not in one, but in another, we must try to change the situation and make it acceptable.

When the children grew up, I got a job as a freelance translator. Then they began to provide written translations. Later the situation changed, we moved, there was no need for translators there. I found an unexpected solution: attending courses once a week. On Wednesday evening you dress up, socialize with like-minded people, meet interesting people, receive an assignment for the next class, and the whole week is filled with the thought: class is coming, you need to do your homework, propose a topic for discussion, read this, write that...

And now you’re peeling potatoes not like a slave, but with a song. You make sketches of children and are surprised by the new things that suddenly open up in them. And with inspiration you make a house with them out of a cornflakes box, and write an article “On the developmental properties of cardboard.” And the children ask: “Mom, why are you singing? Is it a holiday or something? And all this without taking time away from the children, without hiring nannies.

I don’t think that my higher education is wasted, that my home is rotting, and that my professional skills are becoming moldy. On the contrary, I try to transfer everything I have received in life into my children. I teach them everything I know myself. Here is the middle son whining that he is bored, and I am trying to tell him the secret of why I am rarely bored. “What could be more boring than washing dishes or peeling potatoes? But I try never to do a routine dry.

I either sing or make up a story in my head. Sometimes I even leave the computer and go wash the dishes on purpose: after the monotonous work, interesting thoughts come.” He also loves to write, I find his notebooks, notes, diaries and leaves everywhere. Either I’ll be pleased early in the morning with an opus on the topic “Trees in our lives,” or I’ll take out a piece of paper from my school trousers with the inscription: “In memory of George. Thanks George. You were a true friend." It turns out that they were burying an accidentally crushed ladybug. He composed a funeral eulogy. Then I stumble upon a top-secret diary with encrypted entries. I won’t hide it – I’m happy. I’ve already managed to lay down something. Now water, dig...

My eldest and I went to a concert. And suddenly I understand that we have already reached the moment when you take a break not from the child, but with him. In the second section, he poked me in the side. “It’s begun,” I thought doomedly. And my son asked: “Mom, will you buy more tickets?”

Met with former classmates. We haven't seen each other for eleven years. Many of our ladies have taken important positions and realized themselves in the most unexpected and interesting areas. There were two homebodies: me and Lena. We listened with interest to successful friends, admired photographs, outfits and cars. But I realized that there is a high price to pay for this: many of our girls live at an incredibly harsh pace, chronically do not get enough sleep, and see little of their children.

And I kept looking at Lena. She sat quietly. I only showed one photo. She has a wonderful family, a surprisingly unspoiled child. She said almost nothing about herself. I guessed why. So that no one is jealous.

One acquaintance shared: “My father was a prominent scientist, he achieved a lot, but he shared nothing, nothing at all with us, his sons. He didn't care about us at all. He came true. And we?"

Take a closer look at your little one. Here he is examining the pyramid with interest, blowing bubbles from his nose. Or artistically spreads jam on the table. Or beats his foot to the beat of the music. Maybe in front of you is the future Mendeleev, Rachmaninov, Stolypin. Would you mind? Notice? Can you help?