Until I was 17.5 years old, I was a virgin.
And she kept her virginity until marriage.
I am a believer, albeit a sinner...
I didn’t plan to give up my virginity until I was 25...
But a chance meeting changed my whole life.
I met HIM. He was 11.5 years older than me (he was 29)
More precisely, his mother introduced us.
She talked about him as very modest, etc. We met and I really liked him. He had about 25 girls before me.
He promised to marry me and even marry me. He couldn’t wait for intimacy before marriage, saying it was very harmful to men’s health and so on (oh, what a fool and naive idiot I was.) In general, he seduced me. I didn’t want to lose him so much ...(I know I'm a fool)
He just seduced me into debauchery (ugh, it’s so disgusting that it’s called oral sex)
I felt terribly unpleasant...Ugh...I'm already sick of myself.
After that, no one even kissed me (of course, I was disgusted), and there were no retaliatory actions on his part either.
I introduced him to one “friend” who, at the age of 18, had about 30 partners and she did such things to all of them.
In general, of course he slept with her and she did THIS to him.
I was so disgusted, I cried all night.
And then he gave me her as an example. Like, Lenka (figuratively) doesn’t need to know anything, she’s great at fucking and fucking. I apologize. I was so disgusted!
Of course, I didn’t break up with this person...
Because I’m not going to get corrupted, but that’s all he needs...
For me this is UNACCEPTABLE.
I know that all men are like this and cannot live without it, so I am doomed to loneliness or sin, stepping over myself through tears and disgust.
Yes, I’m going to go to HELL anyway, what’s the difference? I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH...I FEEL SO BAD AND DISGUSTING!!!The laceration is now alive in my heart, I’m ashamed of myself. I couldn’t have been born a boy???
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Ksenia, age: 18/11/07/2011
Responses:
Ksenia, hello. What the guy (one might say, already a grown man) did to you doesn’t fit into any category, of course. Here, I think, it’s not so much your fault, but purely his fault. I understand how you feel now .I knew one girl whom a guy met, invited to his place for a cup of tea, and then offered to do what you wrote about in your story, and also brought his friend. It’s good that she managed to leave on time (get up like that, turn around 180 degrees and leave). And at first he, too, seemed to her to be a quite serious young man. And she managed to prevent the sad consequences. But at that time she was a little older than you. Now this friend of mine got married. And you were only 17 years when all this happened. So don’t blame yourself. I think they will write you more responses and give you a lot of useful advice. Read them carefully, don’t neglect them. I would write about the church, I would, of course, advise you to go there at least once to calm the soul. But I don’t know how you feel about the church! In general, in this case it is necessary to go to church. And try to just move on with your life, without looking back, without blaming yourself for anything.
Riana, age: 30 / 07/11/2011
Ksenia, hello!
Go to confession, repent and forget it like a terrible, vile dream. You have already made the right conclusions. And then there is no need to succumb to the demon of sadness, which often acts when a person experiences a serious spiritual decline, pushing him into what St. John Cassian the Roman called “the most pernicious despair,” in which suicide is one step away.
And please write on the forum if you find it difficult. We will definitely try to help you. Do not be afraid.
You would throw him out of your head and in general his perversions would not lead to anything good. Looks like he watches a lot of porn, most likely he's a masturbator. Meet either a young man through your mother or friends, but a normal, modest person yourself. And if you are married to a pervert, it will be even worse, believe me, I know a lot of such examples.
But it’s not true that men are all like that. I read this and it became creepy, what kind of bastard is this and that, if only I had his address, I would explain to him on my fingers that you need to respect girls. And if you think that they are not normal, then you are mistaken, it’s better to take a closer look.
Harlots don’t think about what they’re doing and you’re ashamed, which means this is the reaction of a normal person, get over it and start living normally.
Valera, age: 24 / 07/11/2011
Ksenia, I would like to add one more thing: perhaps, even after confession, your pain will not completely go away immediately. No matter how events develop, continue to confess, take communion, ask the Lord to cleanse your soul and take away your pain. Do not despair. It would be nice to see a good Orthodox psychologist.
Elena, age: 23 / 07/11/2011
Ksyusha, I want to say one thing, that not all men are like that, a lot depends on you, cross out your whole past life and start over.
Alice, age: 22 / 07/11/2011
It’s in vain that you think that all guys simply need sex, that everyone is equally preoccupied and dissolute. There are wonderful romantic boys who are ready to carry you in their arms, of course, for this you need to change your attitude. And in general, the strongest relationships are very often grow out of friendship. common interests, spending time together having fun, sex only if both really like each other so much that there is no strength to restrain this impulse) don’t think about the bad and everything will be fine :)
mirra, age: 17/12/07/2011
Ksyusha, stop engaging in self-criticism. Self-hatred awakens in you, rejection of yourself as a woman, rejection of sex, which is actually beautiful when it happens between loving people. Everyone makes mistakes and from mistakes, through the bad, they learn the good. Even the great saint Mary Magdalene was a fallen woman in the past. Yes, you were wrong, but negative experience is also a lesson after which you should become wiser. Sex is the top of the pyramid, which is based on respect and love, to which you need to grow spiritually. Be sure to take communion, it will help you regain your strength of spirit and don’t be discouraged, because when you fall, it’s important to get up and move on.
Lina, age: 34 / 07/15/2011
I myself, being Orthodox, lost my virginity at the age of 20, with someone who turned out to be a banal nymphomaniac who cheated on me with my friend.
Now I'm 28, and last year I met my beloved and only one.
So, you have a chance too.
And if nothing works out at all, the road to monasticism is always open for Orthodox Christians.
And there is no need to give up on yourself, declaring “I’ll still go to hell.” The robber was the first to enter Paradise. This does not mean that everyone needs to engage in criminal activity, but it does mean that all repentant sinners, of which I include myself, have a chance to be saved.
Slobodan, age: 28 / 07/15/2011
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Hello. Please help me understand myself. Maybe you will be the one who can help me understand what is wrong.
There is no mood, and it seems that it will no longer exist. My conscience is very gnawing towards the young man, and indeed all the people who are somehow affected, but all my complaints and sadness happen mainly in front of him (since we spend a lot of time together).
Previously, when I was at school and lived in another city, I studied in a dance group, there were performances very often, I spent little time at home, I had friends, but it didn’t work out with guys, although all my girlfriends constantly talked with boys, and I was jealous, She considered herself an "ugly duckling". Those who paid attention to me did not like me, and I felt very sorry for them because of this. In general, my sense of shame is somehow too highly developed. I used to tell my parents everything that I had done, everything in general. And if I tried not to tell, but this feeling seemed to burn me from the inside. Although now I understand that it was all nonsense and nothing would have changed if I had remained silent.
Even then I swore that I would never have anyone, I would live alone. And the parents’ relationship was not the best, they often argued, in a word: it’s terrible and I don’t want to remember it.
Then I entered a university in another city and moved to live with my parents. She cried very often, once it came to a nervous breakdown, she was very worried, and did not go anywhere except the institute. Then friends appeared. Six months later I started communicating with a guy, I didn’t like him, he seemed disgusting, but he treated me very well. We didn’t see him for about 2 months, and it seemed to me that I was bored, when we met, we got together, for six months, one might say, we lived together. I kept convincing myself that I didn’t deserve better, that I couldn’t have anything better, that I needed to live with someone with whom I was comfortable. She started acting like a bitch towards him, saying that I was using him, and wanted him to leave, it was such a pity to leave him. After about six months they broke up. She didn’t let anyone get close to her, even if they were cute. But after about another six months, a young man appeared, with whom we have been together for more than a year.
When we were together for three months, I was overcome by fear, “what if I’m deceiving him and don’t really love him,” I tried to break up, but I couldn’t leave on my own, I told him to leave on his own if he wasn’t happy with me, but and this did not happen (although I was very afraid). Actually, I still can’t understand where it came from. I dug into myself for a long time, he knew all this and helped. Then I calmed down, everything was very good, no doubts, I even sometimes thought about the wedding myself, how it would all be. But a year later this feeling returned, again he knew everything. But I calmed down again and caught myself thinking that I didn’t do anything through force for his sake.
I am very easily led by my own thoughts; they seem to know how to hit me the hardest. I began to involuntarily think about others, during sex it seemed like anything was happening, I was afraid to look at other guys, I immediately had stupid thoughts that I couldn’t control! This very much reminded me of “don’t think about the pink elephant,” but if you think that you don’t have to think, then nothing will happen. This went away after some time.
It’s tormenting my conscience that no one has such problems, but he got me with some kind of nonsense in my head that I can’t figure out! And when I tried to think that everything was fine, some unpleasant feeling came over me, and again I began to think that it would not exist anymore, but I always came up with nothing. I just don’t want to live like this with something unpleasant in my soul. Moreover, I always think about our relationship right away (although I understand that this is all stupid, because when my head is not occupied by all sorts of nonsense, then I feel comfortable and very good and right with him :)).
A week ago he left me, no matter how rude it may sound. I was very worried, stopped eating, restrained myself and still wrote to him and called myself, asked his friends how he was doing, but didn’t tell anyone. She even came to his house to take a walk alone, then watched him through the window. But if I didn’t love him and I was just sorry to leave everything, then I wouldn’t want him back so much and took advantage of the moment when he left me himself.
Why did I write all this to you? We barely spoke for a week, and I couldn’t think about anything else, then we made up, I was happy! But almost immediately it was as if a stone had been dropped on me.
Love cannot just go away (only falling in love can), and in general it takes a long time to build. And I began to think that the reason was in me, I’m not studying where I want at all, I’m not doing anything that I like, although I could, but, probably, I’m afraid to go beyond the boundaries of my comfort. I realized that I am always ashamed of myself, ashamed to burden someone with problems, and in general I don’t like myself. And the worst thing is that I’m afraid that if I start doing what I like, this feeling of emptiness will not go away, and I don’t want to burden myself or anyone else with this nonsense. The words “take it easy” don’t help, this feeling doesn’t go away.
That's all, actually. I opened my soul to you. I can’t untangle this tangle myself, maybe at least you can help. Please show me the weak point that is drowning me.
Thanks in advance:)
Elizaveta, Krasnoyarsk, 21 years old
Psychologist's answer:
Hello, Elizaveta.
We can say that the main feeling is shame, the main belief is that I am unworthy. Shame always points to our personality. Guilt, for example, tells us that we are doing something wrong, while shame tells us that our essence, our personality, is wrong. The feeling of shame is born from the belief that my “I” is mainly shortcomings, it is something negative, bad, unimportant, undeserving of love. This false belief could have been fueled since childhood; there were no feelings of love, value, understanding, but there was a feeling that something was wrong with you (since they don’t love you). Shame addiction then develops in the following ways: 1. Shame can provide a sense of control over other people's feelings and behavior. As long as we believe that we are the reason that others reject us (or should reject us), we believe that we can do something about it. Paradoxically, this gives a feeling of power, that is, we are the reason for the behavior of other people, we do not give them free will (in our perception) to feel and behave the way they want, consider it necessary. We don't want to accept our helplessness over other people's feelings and behavior. 2. Shame protects us from other feelings we fear and gives us a sense of control over our own feelings. Shame can cover loneliness, grief, sadness, mourning, or helplessness in front of others. Shame arises from our own false beliefs, while loneliness, grief, sadness, helplessness before others are existential feelings - that is, those that are a natural result of life. Many people prefer to feel, for example, shame, than to feel the true painful sensations of life. You can get out of this cycle if you are willing to accept that the feelings and behavior of others have nothing to do with you. When you accept that others have free will to be kind, rude, open or closed, loving or not, that you are not the cause of their feelings and behavior, you will have no need to control all of this through shame. When you let go of your need to control others and instead experience compassion for yourself and others, you will let go of false beliefs about yourself that cause shame. If the reason is genuine feelings, then you should be ready to feel them, and not hide them behind shame. When you learn to live and develop this state of life with the presence of care and compassion for your own existential experiences, you will no longer have the need to protect yourself from these feelings with the help of shame.
Sincerely, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.
I have always been distinguished by aggressive behavior, but under alcohol, it seems to me that I am generally insane. I can say that, in principle, I don’t particularly restrain myself in my statements or emotions in everyday life, I don’t know why I explode so much under alcohol.... I’ll describe it. In short, the last situation, when I got drunk to death and said everything that came into my head, sent everyone left and right, mainly, of course, this extended to men and, in principle, I understand why (difficult relationship with my father). Me I threw myself from one extreme to another, I hung myself on everyone, then I said that they were nothing compared to me. I could barely stand on my feet and was talking all sorts of nonsense and at the same time I drank, drank and drank. In principle, I can rarely stop even in the morning every day I feel a little ashamed... But the morning of this day was the most terrible, I realized that I behaved like the last cheap girl, no, it’s not that I kissed or slept with someone, that didn’t happen, but the feeling of falling the woman didn’t leave me, I haven’t felt such shame for a long time, it seems to me that I hated myself so much the next day that I gave myself a fever, like a supposed punishment, which was even worse... shame and illness... In general I am so confused in myself and in relationships with everyone that I don’t know what to do.....
Alinaro21,
You write everything correctly. You have an unresolved issue with your father and a very strong feeling of guilt. (Most likely, not only after alcohol). Under the influence of alcohol, you have some kind of childish protest against everything, which is usually under control.
Unresolved issues should be resolved in consultation. Because the fact that you “rarely can stop” leads to alcohol addiction. But there is an internal need to escape reality into alcohol.
You are constantly punishing yourself. You need to feel guilty. You find reasons to blame yourself. Why do you need it? What benefits do you get from it?
You have traumas from childhood and more than one. You need to contact a psychologist directly.
In any case, the affirmation (self-hypnosis) “I am loved, I am desired in this world” will help, but this is not enough. Need therapy.
Sincerely, Irina.
Good answer 5 Bad answer 2Hello! let's look at what's going on:
when I got drunk to death and said everything that came into my head, I sent everyone left and right, mostly, of course, this extended to men and, in principle, I understand why (difficult relationship with my father). I was thrown from one extreme to another - I hung myself on everyone, then I said that they were nothing compared to me.
alcohol is an addiction - and YOU need IT in order to run away from Reality - in which there are a lot of feelings and memories that YOU are running away from and DO NOT want to accept - at the same time you realize that the problem comes FROM the relationship with your father and precisely WITH HIM and you need to work through it - and NOT project all your feelings onto others - this only further supports your addiction - since it does NOT bring the desired result - and it turns out to be a vicious circle!
and it is important to work through the position of your “inner child”, which escapes from you under the influence of alcohol - and in Reality you DO NOT allow it to escape - because then you will be faced with pain, disappointment and strive to protect yourself FROM this! and only FROM the Position of an Adult can this be worked out - put everything in the relationship between YOU and your father in its place - return everything to the person to whom it is addressed! Until you emotionally work through this, nothing will change! and for this you need to admit to yourself that YOU have an addiction, THAT it plays its role - secondary benefit - protection - and this means that YOU have something to face and that you will have to face pain!
and all this needs to be worked out during full-time work!
Good answer 3 Bad answer 2 
Hello! Your main problem is your addiction. This is what we need to work with. While there is still shame and the opportunity to take a critical look at your behavior, there is hope that you will begin to do something about it. Go to a psychologist and work through the basic problems - with your father, childhood traumas. Your life will become easier. Not immediately, but gradually if you work with it systematically. Choose a good psychologist and don’t delay your visit. Good luck to you!
Good answer 4 Bad answer 0 
Judging by the text, alcohol occupies an important place in your life. Shame is the companion of alcoholism. A vicious circle... How to show aggression, get the desired attention, etc.? It doesn't always work out soberly...
Your phrase about "like the last cheap girl... but the feeling of a fallen woman" indicates that you are involved in family weaves(it’s difficult to understand, if you want to read about family constellations, I have a brief summary of the method on the website). Who in your family (perhaps a long time ago!) was such a woman who was despised, forgotten, excluded? All situations can be unraveled! If you want to figure it out, you are welcome to consult :)!
Good answer 6 Bad answer 0To be ashamed is to be human.
Brené Brown
Today's topic is about how often we keep our mouths shut out of shame as adults. But first, let's look at the roots of shame: how does it arise in us? Then let's see what shame can do to us “here and now”? And for a snack - what to do with it?
A child is born without a feeling of shame; he does not yet have this internal strong experience. How does this feeling get into our souls? Remember the phrase from childhood: “What are you talking about! What will people think?”, “And aren’t you ashamed?” – the voice of mom, dad, grandmother, teacher, etc. sounds in your head. And then we are faced with criticism from relatives and teachers: “Why are you so plump? The neighbor girl is so slender!”, “You are the most clumsy child in the world!”, “Your legs are so crooked and your arms are long,” “You were born to me as such a stupid boy, you can’t do anything at all,” and so on. The child grows up and, closer to adolescence, already carries a whole baggage of “advice” and “messages” from his parents: “You are not beautiful enough,” “You are so stupid,” “Skinny and frail,” “How funny you are,” etc. How can such a child love himself if his parents only tell him what is WRONG with him? No way. This is how an internal swamp of shame begins to form; self-doubt brings vanity into life and with it constant accusations against oneself. After all, looking at yourself through the prism of “NOT SO” means reminding yourself of your worthlessness, badness, and constantly comparing yourself to someone. It’s as if a person lives a double life – feelings and thoughts run in different directions. By suppressing feelings of shame (here and now), people can tell themselves: “I’ll pretend that everything is fine.” External control of parents from childhood turns into internal control of an already grown child. The opinions of others become the most important and decisive in the life of such a person; their true feelings and desires are ignored. After all, feelings and desires are a very intimate thing, such people do not want to make themselves a laughing stock by declaring them. Voicing your need out loud means declaring it, and such people from childhood are accustomed to meeting the demands of a parent or teacher, so declaring oneself is too dangerous. As a child, because of this, one could come under fire from criticism, be devalued, or even beaten or punished. No one knows in advance whether his feelings will be accepted or criticized, so it is dangerous and scary. Such people constantly doubt their undertakings, strangling them in the bud. You have probably already noticed that the feeling of shame arises in relationships with people. It is through relationships with people that issues related to shame need to be resolved. If you have a friend you trust, share your feelings of shame with him - you will notice that it loses its power. The feeling of shame itself decreases, rather than you becoming “small” and powerless.
Why do parents do this, raise their child this way? Because they themselves are prone to shyness, and in childhood they were probably also often shamed. They are not aware of this pattern and pass it on to the next generation, or they are aware of it, but do not want to change anything: “I was ashamed as a child - let you be ashamed too,” “I felt bad - let it be bad for you too.” Although it would seem that it’s a different time, in order to change, you need to start with yourself, but they don’t want to start with themselves - it costs a lot of effort and expenditure of energy and time. Parents do not want to complicate their lives and complicate the life of their child.
What happens to a person experiencing shame? This feeling covers us completely, makes us small, ridiculous, weak and vulnerable (just like in childhood!).
What can you do with your shame? After all, we all have to experience this feeling from time to time. You can’t run away from it and there’s no way to make amends for it either. We are all afraid to talk about shame! Thus, shame controls us, not we control it. We are all imperfect, but most people tend to think that imperfection is a bad thing. Shy people are very afraid of being open and being rejected. They are afraid to again experience that feeling of awkwardness that they experienced in childhood, when their parents could not control themselves and lashed out at them.
Deciding to feel shame will make you feel better.
When you get in touch with this feeling, you may find yourself relieved and ready to do something to alleviate your weakness and helplessness. After all, if you don’t accept something, then you can’t do anything about it. This way you can get rid of the obsession of this feeling, it will stop “running after you” and free up space for other feelings. A very important point is to learn to talk about your shame. An honest discussion can yield completely different results than what you “wrote” in your head. We are afraid that our family or friends will dislike us, that after we talk about our shame, we will be unworthy of them. This may happen, it hurts to lose touch with family and friends. But it’s much more painful to lose touch with yourself! Lose your integrity, the ability to be different, to feel what is in your soul, and not what you were told to feel. “It doesn’t hurt you!” - some mothers say when their child scrapes his knee and tears come to his eyes. But remember, you are no longer that little child who is constantly shamed (“Ugh, so grown up already, but you still cry”), you are already free to love yourself for who you are. With all the advantages and disadvantages, everyone has them.
M. Shiffman describes 4 steps that will help you recognize and cope with your shame:
- understand that there was just an inadequate reaction;
- feel an external emotion (one emotion can hide another more painful one, you need to start with understanding the external one);
- What else did I feel (eg physical symptoms: nausea, trembling, etc.)?
- What did this remind me of?
When will you be able to notice your inadequate reaction, encounter a feeling that you are experiencing in connection with this situation, observe your physical symptoms and don't be afraid ask yourself: “What does this remind me of?”, you risk becoming more aware, beginning to understand yourself, and not following the opinions of others, allowing yourself to worry (cry, get angry, get upset, be disappointed in others and even sometimes in yourself). You have a choice, and this is already more than you had. You had an outside opinion, and now you have your own opinion.
Mon, 12/01/2009 - 12:53 - Guest
Hello dear specialists of the center!
I have a complex that I can’t eradicate in myself. After another meeting, be it with work colleagues, young people or an informal conversation with friends, I constantly analyze whether the meeting went well, what I said, how I behaved. And every time I understand that I did everything wrong, I looked like a complete fool and I am terribly ashamed of my behavior. After another conversation, I understand that this remark should have been answered differently (for example, more reasoned, more original, funnier, more interesting); or that in this situation I did not behave as I would have liked.
But instead of correcting my mistakes and never repeating them again, I again step on the same rake. And the next time, again analyzing my communication with people, I understand that I again did everything wrong: I did not behave the way I would like, I said the wrong thing and the wrong thing. This feeling of guilt does not leave me for a very long time, I think all the time, turn over the course of events of the last meeting in my head and cannot forgive myself for my reckless behavior. I tried not to think about it, but I still can’t help it, I continue to blame myself. How can I get rid of this complex, or maybe I should take care of myself and try not to make mistakes? I'm completely confused. Thank you in advance.
Wed, 01/21/2009 - 00:11 - Editor
I'm ashamed of myself
Psychologist E.G. Sannikova answers your question.
Hello dear guest of our site!
Having read your analytical conclusion, the question arises: what ideal do you relate yourself to? What lies behind the ideal “I”? (an idea of what he wants to be).
You indicate that you cannot “... forgive reckless behavior... In my opinion, on the contrary, excessive control of your own behavior confuses you.
Perhaps, dear reader, you are right in identifying COMPLEX as the cause of your own conflict. However, the complex should not be “eradicated”. It is necessary to understand the reason.
A complex is a deep, pervasive feeling of one’s own inferiority compared to other people. Often accompanied by erroneous attitudes and behavior. There are many reasons for the emergence of various complexes, but criticism from surrounding people, most often significant ones, dominates.