Good afternoon,
my life is a complete collapse: an unloved job, 60 km from home with unloved colleagues, unfulfilled dreams, the chance of which is practically no longer realized (modeling field), food addiction. I don’t have my own home: until I was 28, I wandered through rented rooms and men in search of a family and a home that my parents didn’t give me, stress, nervous breakdowns, gluttons, weight gain. There is no creative energy, although I love cooking, cooking, dancing and sports. I don’t want anything, I just want to get drunk and smoke and not wake up tomorrow morning. Tired. I can’t get out of this state, I try, but it keeps coming back. What should I do?
Answers from psychologists
Anna, good afternoon.
It seems that not only is your emotional state difficult and exhausted, but you also see your entire life as a chain of continuous failures and mistakes.
Often young women of your age find themselves in a similar state of despondency and from which they cannot get out on their own. You need to understand that this is not just a bad mood or temporary blues, but a complex disease that affects physical health, way of thinking, behavior and the entire emotional sphere.
Unfortunately, the main mechanism by which people make themselves sick is denial, that is, reluctance and inability to notice the problem in time and contact a specialist. It seems that you need to pull yourself together and force yourself to be happy through an effort of will. Row .
You would now need to pay serious attention to this and ". The fact is that each subsequent depressive episode may turn out to be more severe than the previous one and the disease as a whole becomes more and more firmly entrenched in your psyche.
Call, come to an appointment or contact us for a Skype consultation - there is a way out. Of course, this cannot be solved with one visit, but in general, the entire strategy for coping with the problem and the opportunity to regain the joy of life is possible.
I wish you health, clarity of thoughts and feelings, harmony with yourself and mutual understanding with others.
Contact us.
Anastasia Biryukova, Gestalt therapist in St. Petersburg, Skype from anywhere in the world
Good answer 2 Bad answer 2Anna, good day!
stress, nervous breakdowns, gluttony, weight gain. There is no creative energy, although I love cooking, cooking, dancing and sports. I don’t want anything, I just want to get drunk and smoke and not wake up tomorrow morning. Tired. I can’t get out of this state, I try, but it keeps coming back. What should I do?
Start working as part of psychotherapy sessions (you can find a specialist in your city, you can conduct consultations via Skype).
As for weight, I can suggest reading my article:
"Overweight. TOP 5 psychological factors leading to obesity."
"1. The desire to “have weight in society”- one of the main reasons for rapid weight gain.
Most often, this is an unconscious desire of those who, due to their characteristics, do not perceive themselves as a person capable of any real achievements in life.
Such people perceive themselves as insignificant and think that no one takes them into account.
This is sometimes formed in childhood or during the formation of personality and, unfortunately, parents play an important role in this.
But I want to live and control events, expanding my influence, “taking up more space” in my life and in the life of society.
Anna, if you want to work on solving your problems via Skype, call me. I am ready to help you with this.
All the best to you!
Glinyannikov Yuri Gennadievich, online consultant Irkutsk, Bratsk.
Good answer 4 Bad answer 0Hello, Anna. In order to put things in order, desires, interests, priorities, it is important to first put things in order within yourself, your personality. This means that it is important to make changes in your character. Learn not to criticize yourself, but to love yourself, not to depend on opinions of others, but become resistant to the opinions of others, be able to ask and put forward your desires, and not go unnoticed, love and appreciate yourself, and not neglect yourself and idealize others. Then new tools will appear for positive functioning in life, where you are now its mistress .The best way is to work, earn money and attend personal therapy. At least a year of working together. Then you can definitely count on the first serious improvements in your life. For such work, you need your motivation to overcome difficulties through therapy.
Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd
Good answer 4 Bad answer 1Hello Anna!
Your condition can be called an unbalanced state of the psyche, when the balance of personal vital energy is disturbed. In such a situation, no matter what you do, there is no result that you expect. Therefore, if you fail, the risk of repeating the same mistakes increases. Trying to get through activities and relationships with men what you did not receive from your parents does not solve the problem, but only aggravates it. But the psyche always strives for stability, and your food addiction is a compensation that provides the only opportunity to enjoy life - through food.
What can we offer here? There is a method of work called the “life script”, which determines a person’s fate. The essence of the method is that the results in a person’s life are the price to pay for following a certain behavioral scenario, and if it is “reprogrammed,” this allows the person to recover and achieve success. I will be glad to help you!
In any case, I agree with my colleagues that changes in your life will begin with changes in yourself.
For additional questions and consultation, please contact us personally. Sincerely, psychologist-consultant in person and skype Oksana Spasichenko.
Spasichenko Oksana Nikolaevna, psychologist in St. Petersburg
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0 The complete collapse is as follows: forty years. Married, children. I have achieved nothing: no apartment, no car. Moreover, because he married late, and the main reason for marriage was passion, but not love, etc. He received a higher education, but, contrary to the advice of his parents, he did not continue. Result: working outside my profession, hassle, leaving work and for several years now I have been living on handouts and loans. The loans turned into fines, the situation was desperate, and on top of that, he volunteered to pay the debt of his mother-in-law and sister-in-law, but he couldn’t, but said that he had paid. They now go to the bank, and they are told: you still have loans... Plus my debts. In short - a complete collapse. What keeps one from committing suicide is the remnants of faith and the general fear of such an act. But not family or parents. I haven’t had any goals since childhood and still don’t. There are ambitions. Coming from a family of honest, highly professional specialists in their field. Key word: honest, because they did not take bribes, and I was programmed to forge my own destiny. But my parents didn’t see (or, more precisely, after my success at university, they stopped seeing) that I was a useless blacksmith.There are no incentives for development - what incentive if there is no money? Everything requires money. There are no advantages, except perhaps being well-read. But, of course, you won’t get far with it. In addition, I have no innate rudeness, arrogance, unceremoniousness, indifference, cowardice or greed. On a personal level, I can get into a fight with someone who weighs three times my weight. But any everyday problem, for example a broken faucet, can drive me into hysterics. Besides hammering nails or screwing in a light bulb, I'm not fit for anything at home. Stupid as an oak plug. I never had real friends. He lacks charisma, lacks external characteristics, has not worked on himself. I realized my shortcomings by the age of forty. Agree - funny. If it weren't tragic. I don’t look for empty regrets or indifferent teachings; I delve into my own mind no worse than others. Just wondering - have you ever seen such a moron in your practice? Of course there are many losers, but you are unique in your own way. Of course you have ambitions. However, they do not exist without goals. Recognition is also a goal. Ambition does not exist without fear. Although apparently there is an area of life where ambitions could be realized if you were less afraid. And money always appears for the purpose, and not vice versa.
Complete collapse in life, nothing, debts
Good afternoon.It feels like you have accumulated emotions and dissatisfaction with your life. But this is the perfect moment to start changing it. I realized that the most pressing issue is with finances.
He received a higher education, but, contrary to the advice of his parents, did not continue. Result: work outside of my profession, hassle, leaving work and for several years now
So are you working now or not? If not, this is just a reason to look for a job that suits your liking and money. There is a reason to use your higher education if you liked it. If you can’t decide what you want, then you need any job, with some average income, as a temporary bridge, and in the evenings search for yourself - try different things, you don’t need paid courses for this, open information on the Internet is enough.
I haven’t had any goals since childhood and still don’t.
You can try to start installing them. If it’s not clear what you want, start with what you definitely don’t want. Describe on all fronts - work, personal life, health, everyday life, creativity. And then, like in a negative photograph, change the minus to a plus. I don’t want to be in debt - I want income (such and such) per month, I don’t want yelling bosses - I want someone who understands, etc.
any everyday problem, for example a broken faucet, can drive me into hysterics.
There is a joke that men are divided into two types - those who can carry a piano to the 5th floor, and those who can pay to carry a piano to the 5th floor. If you don’t know how to do something, this is not a tragedy, but a reason to call specialists. But you probably have your own strengths that for some reason you don’t recognize.
Dull as an oak plug
You are clearly exaggerating, otherwise you would not have graduated from the university. There is a feeling that you devalue yourself and your achievements, and this prevents you from moving on and setting goals. For some reason you don't believe in yourself. You may find our articles useful and
And since many problems have accumulated, you need to start solving them gradually, recognizing your efforts and even small shifts and results.
Sincerely, Zavgorodnaya Yulia
My life is simply a disaster. I’ll start with the fact that I’m gay. I’ve been trying to fight it all my life because... I always hung around in the company of straight brothers and didn’t understand where this came from in me. Grandmothers, priests, elders, church - everything is clear. At 21 I couldn’t stand it and met a guy because the harmonies were already playing nowhere else and it got sucked in. I was in the army at 23, then I think I’ll hang out for a year and I’m getting married, but... alas... I’m not interested in girls in any way. I’ve been struggling with myself all my life. Now I’m 32. Our city is not very big and that’s why I tried not to hang out in gay parties and stick to a relationship with one guy and work for the government I didn’t allow the service... a new shock at work (already at my former one) they found out about my orientation. It turns out that my colleague’s cousin lives in the same building with me and I lived with a young guy. All my former friends turned away. I’m ashamed and scared. Why did I live? I’m trying to find at least one clue in this life (well, except for my mother) and I can’t find it... I won’t have life in this city anymore, I have no friends anymore, the bodies are silent for weeks. Where to run??? I’m 32, no wife, no children, no money problems with potency due to nervousness, no prospects - life has lost all meaning. I’m afraid to go out and I despise myself. I don’t know how long I can last... the world has collapsed. I look like a natural man, where does this come from in me? Why? I All my life I’ve been living a life that’s not my own, I’m completely crushed and it’s tearing me apart. If you’re talking about God, then I have a lot of questions for him. I’ve always been beautiful and promising, I wasn’t afraid to look people in the eyes. And alcoholics give birth. Now I’m a nonentity. Always opportunity, I went to church, I even know several prayers by heart. Now I don’t believe in anything and am disgusted with myself. I regret that I don’t have a sister or brother who could take care of my mother. People around me are a dead end, I can’t stand the future, no
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Matvey, age: 32 / 07/08/2017
Responses:
Dear Matvey, thank you for your frank letter. I really sympathize with you, it is truly a heavy cross to bear such a test...
What to do when it “seems” that your whole life is “collapsing”
Below I present three letters - one addressed to me (with the permission of the author and with minor changes) and two simply found on the Internet as living examples; you will definitely see analogies and even similar phrases, plus the identity of the problem. And when there is a problem, you need to SEEK ITS SOLUTION.
"What's happening, everything is collapsing
My whole life is crumbling before my eyes, many years of struggle for my child’s health, my husband lost his job, I had to move, I’m losing dear people... and it seems that all this seems to have been planned and is coming to fruition... everything is so difficult.. I feel broken. Through my life at least make a movie. Tell me what astrology thinks about this...and WHERE?? FIND these forces- about which you write... I will try... Very much...”
**
Hello, I am 22 years old, I am married, I have a beautiful daughter. It all started from the moment I became pregnant. My husband and I had just gotten married. everything was fine, but one day came a crisis, My husband was fired from his job. I worked as long as I could, then I went on maternity leave. She gave birth to a child, and then constant moving began. there were 5 of them over the last year. My husband seemed to be working, but somehow everything didn’t work out and he decided to take up entrepreneurial activity. At first everything seemed to work out, but then everything got worse...then... Anka owes a large sum, now they are suing. Not long ago I found out that I was pregnant again. Of course, I understood that it was not on time, but I was still very happy. my husband was not so positive. then the bleeding started. I called an ambulance, the hospital said that the child had been dead for a long time... it was not just a blow! They did the cleaning... Now a month has passed, I seem to have calmed down. but with money everything is bad . and my husband decided to work part-time in a taxi today on the first day I lost all my documents and money…
I'm n I don’t know how to live further and what to do, this is the last straw, I d I can't even cry anymore, I sit and giggle stupidly. and the worst thing is that I’m afraid of the future, because this is not a complete list of what happened to me over the past two years...
Help me please! How to find strength in yourself survive all this? how to start over
Thank you in advance…..
**
what to do if life collapses?!
I’m losing all interest in life and the fight for a brighter future, I’ve just come to terms with the fact that I’m always alone (for quite a long period of my life)... And in recent years, in general everything went bad, now I’m unemployed, I owe the bank a large amount, crashed my car today….
I'm just tired already I'm tired of life, I can't even cry, because I’m tired...tired of these problems....the only thing that I think keeps me in this world is that I love my parents.. But for some reason it seems to me that this will soon not be a hindrance for me, I can’t do this next...tell me what should I do?
EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN SANTA BARBARA
In all three of these messages we see that problems roll in like a snowball and at some point some unpleasant event occurs (note - non-fatal!) and the person “breaks down”, that is, he reaches the limit of patience and catharsis occurs. Or the peak of the development cycle of his crisis situation.
Firstly, a person is deep inside a situation that seems to him to be a dead end. Looking from the outside, it doesn't seem so to us. It’s not without reason that they say that you need to “rise above” in order to see the whole picture or from a wider perspective. After all, everything is not so bad.
For example, we often compare ourselves with others - especially when they have something better or have something that we don’t have, and this plunges us into negative feelings of self-pity, envy, sadness, etc.
In this situation of “total collapse”, as advice, you can also suggest comparing your misfortunes with the misfortunes of others in order to feel better.
For example, some women do not have husbands and have to take care of themselves and their children, earn money, solve problems, make decisions, etc.
Some people don’t have a car and have to travel by public transport. Some people don’t have the money to afford to go abroad or just to the sea, etc. Someone does not have health, body parts, vision and hearing, parents, children, housing, etc.
Look at Nick Vuychich - if you think that everything is “bad” for you or that you have been deprived of something. He has neither arms nor legs, but he was able to cope with despondency and despair and even became rich, married a young beauty who bore him a child. He is a living motivation “not to be a victim.”
Are you still feeling bad? And do you feel left out?
Sometimes it seems to us that our life is like “Santa Barbara”, with many difficult moments, the first heroine even wrote that a film could be made based on her life, but look around - look at the lives of the people around you, delve into their stories. Each is its own movie, its own unique script, its own series and its own setbacks and failures. Well, who among us hasn’t lost a job? Hands up. Who among us has not been abandoned by a loved one? Any hands up? Who hasn't experienced financial difficulties, major losses, disasters, injuries and accidents? I think that all readers of this article are already sitting with their hands raised. Write if this is not the case.
I myself thought for a long time that the sphere of my personal relationships was completely Santa Barbara and that there was no more unhappy girl in the world, and then I saw that with others it happens not so, much more dramatic and complex.
Conclusion: your life is the same as hundreds and thousands of others, in some ways better, in some ways worse, and YOU ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING TO BE THANKFUL FOR.
Advice: try to help yourself get out of the victim state in which you are now to the state of the creator of your life or someone who is able to get out of this dead end, by changing your attitude to what is happening and changing the perspective of attention from focusing on “everything is bad” to focusing on that - A what do you want instead and how to achieve it.
In no way do I want to encourage you to ignore the problem, I ask you reset its importance, refocus. And this is the first step towards solving it.
They say that God does not give trials beyond our strength - we are able to get out of difficult situations, the main thing is to concentrate and gather ourselves. There are many examples when people came out of the most unimaginable situations, help came at the very last moment and in the most miraculous way. But you need to ask about it - God, the Highest.
In moments of despair, go to Him and pray for help, give your situation to Him for consideration. Say what you want, thank him and promise to accept everything as His will, humbly. And no matter what happens next, just live it, accepting it. You cannot sew a severed leg back, so sometimes you need to learn to walk on a prosthesis and live in new conditions. Some even manage to become Olympic champions in this state. We always have a choice - to lie down and “die”, to give up and despair, to fight and win.
Sometimes it seems to us that life is over and there is no point in living further, hope is dying, but in reality it is not the end of life, it is the end of one of its chapters and then a new chapter opens. Let there be something different in it, but this is life, a different plot, a different script, and we have everything to write the best script in this chapter.
CLASSICS OF THE GENRE
Events that are generally considered the most negative are classics of the genre - divorce, loss of work and livelihood, loss of valuables, death of loved ones, health problems, injuries and accidents.
Any person experiences crisis, stress, depression and other negative feelings at this time, but you can react to them in different ways, for some it will be the “end of life”, and for others the “beginning of a new one”. From the success stories of famous, rich and successful people, we can learn that they also had to go through such “bifurcation points” (the moment of no return), that is, difficult moments when everything collapsed for them, losses occurred, and other crises, but precisely from which began the starting point of their future success.
One of the major information businessmen said that his beloved girlfriend left him, after which he finally got up from the couch and created his own business. Now he is rich and another girl has been found whom he happily married. Another famous blogger and trainer shared the story that a major car accident forced her to change her life dramatically, quit a prestigious job, leave a foreign country, think about the future, return to the country and create her own online training business. And there are millions of such stories. Because that's how the Universe works. We develop through crises.
How else can we be woken up or pulled out of our usual routine, how can we be encouraged to evolve and develop? The Universe knocks on windows and doors, and if we don’t hear, then on our heads... so that we finally do something in our lives; or simply changed something, perhaps long desired, but ignored; or simply followed their Path, from which they deviated, etc.
Metaphorically, a comparison can be made - when a mother calls her child, but he does not hear or ignores the call, then the parent screams louder or even comes up and uses brute force in order to attract attention, so Our Heavenly Father calls, shouts and sometimes does what -to draw our attention to ourselves.
And yes, crisis situations are a close path to God, because many of us remember His existence only in difficult moments. And this is a great chance to turn to Him.
Conclusion: Crisis situations draw your attention to Self, Truth and the Highest. Perhaps the time has come for changes in your life and you should not resist them. Perhaps it's time to take your Power. Perhaps this is a test of strength (more about this below in the Astrological interpretation of events).
Advice: try to change your attitude towards what is happening, reorient yourself from the end to a new beginning, be flexible and do not fall into despair - there is a way out of ANY SITUATION, even yours.
Well, judge for yourself - you lost your job, you will definitely find another one, you just need to make an effort and search hard. If you have suffered material damage, say “thank you, Lord, for taking me with money.” Your lover has left you, learn to live in love with yourself and life.
Does it feel like the world is collapsing? This is wrong! He's just rebuilding. And perhaps for you!
Each planet has its own cycle, for example, the cycle of the Moon, which reflects the structure of life processes - everything has birth, development, culmination and decline/death/end. At the moment when several negative stories coincide in life at once (there are positive ones too, but we rarely note this as something significant), the climax, the full moon of life, comes. After some time there will be a decline.
On full moons, you usually need to part with something that has become obsolete; these are times of heightened emotionality and difficulties in controlling it. A little later, you will look at what happened with much less tragic .
At these moments you need allow yourself to feel your emotions.
Saturn has long cycles, a full cycle lasting about 29-30 years and intermediate cycles of seven years. Saturn is considered a harsh planet, and I often associate it with Morozko from the fairy tale of the same name, when he tested the strength of the main characters by asking them “if they were warm” and then gave them gifts according to their test scores. Likewise, life (Saturn) tests how humble, strong, wise, and ready to take responsibility for one’s life and become its Authors.
Here is the woman who wrote the first letter, just going through Second Saturn Return(occurs around age 59-60). This is a time of another restructuring of life, challenges of fate, tests and great opportunities with the task of determining long-term goals for your further development. We perceive this time as a time of crises, we can be sad and despair, but Saturn is a strict and fair Teacher, he will bestow us in the future, but after a difficult period of change and restructuring.
Saturn asks us to engage in soul-searching and self-knowledge, to go through the process of re-inventorying ourselves and our ways of life. We may encounter something that does not work in our life, limitations and obstacles, see gaps, weak points. Saturn slows us down so that we can look with a firm and cold gaze at the reality we have built in our lives and find new ways and means to become a true author - an authority - in our lives. We have another chance to be the one who we really are.
In mythology, Saturn is associated with the harvest, with rewards for efforts made. If we are willing to wait, work, persevere. Saturn is a strict Teacher and he asks us to clear away our psychological and physical garbage and dig up the soil (our psyche) before we plant new seeds (new intentions/new life). During the Return we have the chance for real change and life-renewing rewards. This is truly a planet of opportunity.
During the Second Return, the wisdom of the Elder comes. Our personal and public safety is being reconsidered. This is a difficult time and harvest time, the results of work over the past years.
We ask a lot of questions at this time. We cannot repeat past mistakes. We are taking the first steps towards new beginnings.
Saturn often asks, “Whose movie am I in?” and challenges being a director and screenwriter. It would be too easy to read the lines of a well-known script. Instead, we must become Self-Authors and become the true Authors of our lives.
We need to rewrite the script of our lives. It's not always easy, our lives are full of people and situations that no longer reflect who we are. The human unconscious often creates situations that challenge us. It is as if it is hiring other people to play certain roles in our life story - this one will be the boss, this one will be the victim, and this one will be the unfaithful lover. Saturnian post-checks in life are associated with moments when these people play their roles and the time comes to adjust their life script. We must take back our projections and look at the drama of our lives as OUR responsibility. And don't blame anyone.
During the Second Return, Saturn calls for concrete action in the real world, but it is all very subtle. If we don't do what we need to do, we may never get a second chance. If you put off checking your health, it may be too late. If you don't admit to yourself that “my job is killing me, but I need to wait until I retire,” it may actually kill you.
As the body ages, fatigue and depression increase, the body is no longer an object of pride and then the Spirit has a chance to come forward. Some old habits may show their heads and need to be cut off. You may be asking yourself, “why do I have to deal with this issue again?” and the answer will be “because you’ve almost solved it.” Now you look at things more wisely and maturely. With the gift of wisdom, you complete unfinished tasks and situations.
At this time, you need to clean the very foundations - the basements of your existence and look at your de-idealizations, let the illusions go away. Now is the time to slow down and allow nice things to come into your life.
We can return to what gives the fruits of our experience - a certain project, something that we can do well and even better.
When everything in life seems to be falling apart... start thinking about what you will build in the vacant space. Osho
And here are the tools to help you pass the Saturnian checks:
1 Be discerning(discern (English) – to distinguish, recognize)
Since I am wiser today than I was a year ago and know much more, I can wisely use choices based on clarity of intentions. Dream of a future with a clearly visible path between the trees. “Know yourself” and “Nothing superfluous” - the inscriptions from the Delphic Temple are clearly for me. Now I need to step back from the excesses of youth and clearly understand what I can and cannot do.
2 Be cordial
Take courage and ask knowledgeable people for advice. And in myself: how much I project my insecurities and fears into the surrounding reality, making my life miserable, unable to take responsibility and cordially perceive those around me.
3 Go deeper
“All or nothing” is a rather superficial quick fix, but Saturn doesn’t like quick fixes. No quick decisions or things done in a hurry! It is better to withstand the tension of tearing contradictions and internal conflicts until a new form of the idea appears. And only then is it time to get out of your usual comfort zone and do it! “Dig deep - you will find precious water at the very bottom!”
4 Take action!
In the end, Saturn rewards those who do and depresses those who postpone from day to day.
It’s ironic - but while we are waiting (for the warmth and good weather of spring - by the sea of good weather :)) Saturn is testing us for the strength of our faith - rebirth and rebirth. We are like seeds on a windowsill, waiting for seedlings and watering. And in due time we must act, dig deep, separate the weeds from the emerging flowers...
...everything comes in due time..
We went into great detail on the Saturn Return cycle (especially for my reader who asked the question), but there are also many other cycles - for example, the Uranus opposition and the Neptune square at the age of about 40-42 years old called the Midlife Crisis, the Jupiter Return - occurs every 12 years old and also marks the beginning and end of certain milestones in life, an upgrade in life style. Personal cycles can be learned through consultations with astrologers, and everyone has their own working astro influences in difficult moments of life.
Conclusion: The events taking place are influenced by planetary, cosmic and other cycles.
Advice: if you need support in times of crisis, contact professional therapists (psychologists, astrologers, etc.) and support groups, ask for help from friends and family. They will definitely help you regain your lost hope.
Do it through the page
Why are failures useful? How does failure contribute to success? Irina Tolmacheva shares practical advice on how to survive a bad period in life, and also become stronger and more successful with its help.
Nobody likes to fail or go through a streak of bad luck, but no one likes to go to the dentist. Can failure be as good for success in life as going to the dentist is for your health? Bruce Grierson thinks yes, definitely. In the article “Surviving Bad Weather,” he gives vivid examples and arguments in favor of this theory. Below is a summary translation of this article.
The poet who made a career out of failure
The article begins with the paradoxical success story of Philip Schulz. He was born into a poor family, his father was an alcoholic. He learned to read only at the age of 11 because he suffered from dyslexia. At school he studied in the “class for fools”, and even there he was an outcast. When asked what he wanted to become, he answered “A writer,” the teacher laughed in his face. All in all, a classic loser.
“All a writer needs is an understanding of himself and his feelings, the ability to identify true feelings and the courage to reveal them to the reader. And anyone can do this, even dyslexic. And so Schultz persistently moved forward to a career that everyone seemed absolutely inappropriate for him, to the career of a poet.
At some point, Schultz realized that everything he wrote about boiled down to failure, failure, defeat. Failure is the clay from which he molds his works. And this understanding pierced his poems with special energy. He compiled the newly written poems into a collection called Failure, with a bent nail on the cover. This collection won the Pulitzer Prize, the most prestigious literary prize in the world, in 2007.”
Who gets hired to work on Wall Street?
“A theory that completely overestimates the role of failure, failure, is becoming increasingly popular. Some psychologists, such as Jonathan Haidt, argue that adversity, failure, and even trauma are necessary for people to become happy, successful, and self-actualized.”
“Joan Rowling, speaking at Oxford about her life, described a classic black streak: divorce, condemnation of her parents, poverty on the verge of homelessness. All this brought her back to her old dream - to write books. She set out to realize her dream because she had nothing more to lose. “Failure peeled away everything that didn’t matter,” Rowling said, “and I learned things about myself that I couldn’t have learned any other way.”
“Steve Jobs believes that the three biggest failures of his life—being expelled from college, being fired from the company he founded, and being diagnosed with cancer—were portals to a better life. Each of them forced him to take a step back and look at his life as if from afar, to see the long-term perspective of his life. Walt Disney, Henry Ford, Winston Churchill and Thomas Edison expressed the same idea in different words.”
“Periodic failures in life are very important information,” writes Heydt, “when you read the biographies of great people, you notice that almost all of them had serious failures in life. That's why Obama worries me so much - he didn't have any particularly noticeable black streaks in his life. It’s unlikely that he will make a strong president.”
“Some businessmen in Silicon Valley and on Wall Street have long noticed this feature of the human psyche and prefer to hire former athletes. And not because famous personalities attract clients. Athletes know how to overcome defeat. “We needed people who could show results and not get emotionally attached to failure,” one oil trader said in an interview, explaining why he employs so many former jockeys on the exchange.”
Aircraft manufacturer who achieved success by crashing his planes
Paul McCreery, the famous aeronautical engineer, understood the practical value of failure and deliberately built his success on it. He competed for the Kremer Prize for creating the first aircraft powered solely by human muscles. He created a machine whose main competitive advantage was a safe fall, so that pilots could try again and again. And he received this award.
In the photo is the muscle plane McCreary.
How does failure contribute to success?
“Failure has consequences for our development as whole individuals. It can initiate a shift from seeking short-term happiness to long-term happiness. Let's say you become bankrupt. The “work and well-being” area has been hit hard. But the immune system of our psyche has a strategy in case of such a defeat. According to Robert Emmons, our lives have four basic dimensions: achievement, community, spirituality, and heritage. When one of the four dimensions fails us - such as achievement - the other three become stronger."
“And so the once lone wolf, bulletproof and punchy as a bowling ball, is forced to throw his old life overboard and begin to build a new relationship with life. The concept of a “higher goal” takes possession of him. And, surprisingly, he begins to perceive the new life as a step forward. And failure thus leads to happiness. Heydt writes: “London and Chicago took advantage of the opportunity afforded them by the great fires to transform themselves into grander and more comfortable cities. People, too, sometimes take advantage of similar opportunities, wonderfully rearranging parts of their lives that they would never give up voluntarily."
9 ways to cope with failure easier
1. Don't take it to heart. Those who float back to the top the easiest are those who have a sense of humor. It's important to sense when you're starting to take yourself too seriously. “Fear of failure can paralyze and damage us,” says life coach Steven Berglas. - When my clients say, “I will die if I don’t win the Olympics,” I ask, “Really? Right on the court or later out of shame? And then the client understands that we are not talking about real death.”
2. Join us, gentlemen, join us. There are a huge number of sites and clubs that unite people who have suffered one or another failure. Don't keep everything to yourself. Talk to your fellow sufferers.
3. Feel guilt, not shame. Richard Robbins notes that the difference between guilt and shame lies in what we consider to be the cause of our failure. The cause of guilt is something I did. The reason for shame is who I am. In the latter case, you expect failures in the future and will not make efforts to avoid them.
4. Cultivate optimism. Hamlet said that nothing is good or bad, it is what we think that makes it so.
5. Don't ask what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country, John Kennedy said. Potland radio station sales manager Margaret Evans suddenly lost her job. While she was posting her resume to look for a new job, it suddenly occurred to her that this was the opportunity she had been waiting for all her life. She always dreamed of doing something useful for others, of living an unpretentious life. She signed up as a volunteer to work in orphanages in Belize. “It turned out to be the highlight of my life,” Evans says.
6. Lower your demands on yourself. Gilbert Brim begins Ambition with the story of his father, who lived in the countryside. When he was young, he maintained the entire forest adjacent to his home in perfect condition. But as he aged, he reduced his area of responsibility. In the end, he only had flower pots left on the windowsill, but his flowers were always in perfect condition. So instead of failing in an area you were once a master at, you continue to have success, but on a smaller platform.
7. Keep a diary. Jamie Pennebaker, a psychologist at the University of Texas, studied middle-aged engineers who lost their jobs. Those of them who shared their sorrows in a diary found new jobs faster. And it’s not that they were letting off steam or motivating themselves to look for work more actively. They simply analyzed the situation, could come to terms with being fired, which made them more reasonable, positive, balanced and attractive to employers.
8. Don't blame yourself. Self-flagellation is like rust. The more you blame yourself, the deeper you sink into depression.
9. Take action! Failure is an opportunity to change direction. Don't miss it.
In my collection of quotes there is a wonderful statement from the great basketball player Michael Jordan: “During my career, I missed more than 9 thousand goals. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I was trusted to make the winning shot - and I missed. Throughout my life I have been wrong again and again and again. And that's why I was successful."
The only small problem is that a streak of failure makes only a few strong and successful. Many people break under the weight of failure.
I really hope that understanding the usefulness of the black streak will help you more easily survive it when it comes, and fall into the first, and not the second, group of people described above.