The story "The Nose" is one of the most fun, original, fantastic and unexpected works of Nikolai Gogol. The author did not agree to publish this joke for a long time, but his friends persuaded him. The story was first published in the Sovremennik magazine in 1836, with a note by A.S. Pushkin. Since then, heated debates have not subsided around this work. The real and the fantastic in Gogol's story "The Nose" are combined in the most bizarre and unusual forms. Here the author reached the pinnacle of his satirical skill and painted a true picture of the morals of his time.
Brilliant grotesque
This is one of N.V.’s favorite literary devices. Gogol. But if in early works it was used to create an atmosphere of mystery and mystery in the narrative, then in a later period it turned into a way of satirically reflecting the surrounding reality. The story "The Nose" is a clear confirmation of this. The inexplicable and strange disappearance of the nose from Major Kovalev’s face and his incredible independent existence separately from his owner suggest the unnaturalness of the order in which a high status in society means much more than the person himself. In this state of affairs, any inanimate object can suddenly acquire significance and weight if it acquires the proper rank. This is the main problem of the story "The Nose".
Features of realistic grotesque
In the late work of N.V. Gogol is dominated by realistic grotesque. It is aimed at revealing the unnaturalness and absurdity of reality. Incredible things happen to the heroes of the work, but they help to reveal the typical features of the world around them, to reveal the dependence of people on generally accepted conventions and norms.
Gogol's contemporaries did not immediately appreciate the writer's satirical talent. Only having done a lot for a correct understanding of Nikolai Vasilyevich’s work, he once noticed that the “ugly grotesque” that he uses in his work contains “an abyss of poetry” and “an abyss of philosophy”, worthy of “Shakespeare’s brush” in its depth and authenticity.
“The Nose” begins with the fact that on March 25, an “extraordinarily strange incident” happened in St. Petersburg. Ivan Yakovlevich, a barber, discovers his nose in freshly baked bread in the morning. He throws him off the St. Isaac's Bridge into the river. The owner of the nose, the collegiate assessor, or major, Kovalev, waking up in the morning, does not find an important part of the body on his face. In search of the loss, he goes to the police. On the way he meets his own nose in the garb of a state councilor. Pursuing the fugitive, Kovalev follows him to the Kazan Cathedral. He tries to return his nose to its place, but he only prays with “the greatest zeal” and points out to the owner that there can be nothing in common between them: Kovalev serves in another department.
Distracted by an elegant lady, the major loses sight of the rebellious part of the body. After making several unsuccessful attempts to find the nose, the owner returns home. There they return what was lost to him. The police chief grabbed his nose while trying to escape using someone else's documents to Riga. Kovalev's joy does not last long. He cannot put the body part back in its original place. The summary of the story "The Nose" does not end there. How did the hero manage to get out of this situation? The doctor can't help the major. Meanwhile, curious rumors are creeping around the capital. Someone saw the nose on Nevsky Prospekt, someone saw it on Nevsky Prospect. As a result, he himself returned to his original place on April 7, which brought considerable joy to the owner.
Theme of the work
So what is the point of such an incredible plot? The main theme of Gogol's story "The Nose" is the character's loss of a piece of his self. This probably happens under the influence of evil spirits. The organizing role in the plot is given to the motive of persecution, although Gogol does not indicate the specific embodiment of supernatural power. The mystery captivates readers literally from the first sentence of the work, it is constantly reminded of it, it reaches its climax... but there is no solution even in the finale. Covered in the darkness of the unknown is not only the mysterious separation of the nose from the body, but also how he could exist independently, and even in the status of a high-ranking official. Thus, the real and the fantastic in Gogol’s story “The Nose” are intertwined in the most unimaginable way.
Real plan
It is embodied in the work in the form of rumors, which the author constantly mentions. This is gossip that the nose regularly promenades along Nevsky Prospect and other crowded places; that he seemed to be looking into the store and so on. Why did Gogol need this form of communication? Maintaining an atmosphere of mystery, he satirically ridicules the authors of stupid rumors and naive belief in incredible miracles.
Characteristics of the main character
Why did Major Kovalev deserve such attention from supernatural forces? The answer lies in the content of the story "The Nose". The fact is that the main character of the work is a desperate careerist, ready to do anything for a promotion. He managed to receive the rank of collegiate assessor without an exam, thanks to his service in the Caucasus. Kovalev’s cherished goal is to marry profitably and become a high-ranking official. In the meantime, in order to give himself more weight and significance, he everywhere calls himself not a collegiate assessor, but a major, knowing about the superiority of military ranks over civilian ones. “He could forgive everything that was said about himself, but he did not forgive in any way if it related to rank or title,” the author writes about his hero.
So the evil spirits laughed at Kovalev, not only taking away an important part of his body (you can’t make a career without it!), but also endowing the latter with the rank of general, that is, giving it more weight than the owner himself. That's right, there is nothing Real and fantastic in Gogol's story "The Nose" makes you think about the question "what is more important - the personality or its status?" And the answer is disappointing...
Hints from a brilliant author
Gogol's story contains many satirical subtleties and transparent hints at the realities of his contemporary time. For example, in the first half of the 19th century, glasses were considered an anomaly, giving the appearance of an officer or official some inferiority. In order to wear this accessory, special permission was required. If the heroes of the work strictly followed the instructions and corresponded to the form, then the Nose in the Uniform acquired for them the importance of a significant person. But as soon as the police chief “logged out” of the system, broke the strictness of his uniform and put on glasses, he immediately noticed that in front of him was just a nose - a part of the body, useless without its owner. This is how the real and the fantastic intertwine in Gogol’s story “The Nose”. No wonder the author’s contemporaries were engrossed in this extraordinary work.
Many writers noted that “The Nose” is a magnificent example of fantasy, Gogol’s parody of various prejudices and people’s naive belief in the power of supernatural forces. Fantastic elements in the works of Nikolai Vasilyevich are ways of satirically displaying the vices of society, as well as affirming the realistic principle in life.
The described incident, according to the narrator, happened in St. Petersburg on March 25th. The barber Ivan Yakovlevich, biting off fresh bread in the morning baked by his wife Praskovya Osipovna, finds his nose in it. Puzzled by this impossible incident, having recognized the nose of the collegiate assessor Kovalev, he searches in vain for a way to get rid of his find. Finally, he throws him off the St. Isaac's Bridge and, against all expectations, is detained by a quarterly guard with large sideburns.
The collegiate assessor Kovalev (who preferred to be called a major), waking up that same morning with the intention of examining the pimple that had popped up on his nose earlier, did not even discover the nose itself. Major Kovalev, who needs a decent appearance, because the purpose of his visit to the capital is to find a place in some prominent department and, possibly, to get married (on occasion of which he knows ladies in many houses: Chekhtyreva, state councilor, Pelageya Grigorievna Podtochina, headquarters officer), - goes to the chief police chief, but on the way he meets his own nose (clad, however, in a gold-embroidered uniform and a hat with a plume, revealing him to be a state councilor). Nose gets into the carriage and goes to the Kazan Cathedral, where he prays with an air of greatest piety.
Major Kovalev, timid at first, and then directly calling his nose by its proper name, does not succeed in his intentions and, distracted by a lady in a hat as light as a cake, loses his unyielding interlocutor. Not finding the Chief of Police at home, Kovalev goes on a newspaper expedition, wanting to advertise the loss, but the gray-haired official refuses him (“The newspaper may lose its reputation”) and, full of compassion, offers to sniff tobacco, which completely upsets Major Kovalev. He goes to a private bailiff, but finds him in the mood to sleep after lunch and listens to irritated remarks about “all sorts of majors” who hang around God knows where, and about the fact that a decent person’s nose won’t be torn off. Arriving home, the saddened Kovalev ponders the reasons for the strange disappearance and decides that the culprit is the staff officer Podtochina, whose daughter he was in no hurry to marry, and she, probably out of revenge, hired some witches. The sudden appearance of a police official, who brought his nose wrapped in paper and announced that he had been intercepted on the way to Riga with a false passport, plunges Kovalev into joyful unconsciousness.
However, his joy is premature: his nose does not stick to its original place. The summoned doctor does not undertake to put his nose on it, assuring that it will be even worse, and encourages Kovalev to place his nose in a jar of alcohol and sell it for decent money. Unhappy Kovalev writes to headquarters officer Podtochina, reproaching, threatening and demanding that the nose be immediately returned to its place. The headquarters officer's answer exposes her complete innocence, for it reveals a degree of misunderstanding that cannot be imagined on purpose.
Meanwhile, rumors spread throughout the capital and acquire many details: they say that at exactly three the nose of the collegiate assessor Kovalev is walking along Nevsky, then that he is in Juncker’s store, then in the Tauride Garden; Many people flock to all these places, and enterprising speculators build benches for ease of observation. One way or another, on April 7th the nose was back in its place. The barber Ivan Yakovlevich appears to the happy Kovalev and shaves him with the greatest care and embarrassment. One day, Major Kovalev manages to go everywhere: to the confectionery shop, to the department where he was looking for a position, and to his friend, also a collegiate assessor or major, and on the way he meets the staff officer Podtochina and her daughter, in a conversation with whom he thoroughly sniffs tobacco.
The description of his happy mood is interrupted by the sudden recognition of the writer that there is a lot of implausibility in this story and what is especially surprising is that there are authors who take similar plots. After some reflection, the writer nevertheless states that such incidents are rare, but still happen.
Nikolai Vasilyevich Gogol
On March 25th, an unusually strange incident happened in St. Petersburg. The barber Ivan Yakovlevich, who lives on Voznesensky Prospekt (his last name has been lost, and even on his sign - which depicts a gentleman with a soaped cheek and the inscription: “and the blood is opened” - nothing more is displayed), the barber Ivan Yakovlevich woke up quite early and heard the smell of hot of bread. Raising himself a little on the bed, he saw that his wife, a rather respectable lady who was very fond of drinking coffee, was taking freshly baked loaves out of the oven.
“Today, Praskovya Osipovna, I will not drink coffee,” said Ivan Yakovlevich: “but instead I want to eat hot bread with onions.” (That is, Ivan Yakovlevich would have wanted both, but he knew that it was completely impossible to demand two things at once: for Praskovya Osipovna really did not like such whims.) Let the fool eat bread; I feel better,” my wife thought to herself: “there will be an extra portion of coffee left.” And she threw one bread on the table.
For the sake of decency, Ivan Yakovlevich put on a tailcoat over his shirt and, sitting down in front of the table, poured salt, prepared two onions, picked up a knife and, making a significant face, began to cut bread. - Having cut the bread into two halves, he looked into the middle and, to his surprise, saw something turning white. Ivan Yakovlevich carefully picked with a knife and felt with his finger: “Is it dense?” - he said to himself: “What would that be?”
He stuck his fingers in and pulled out - his nose!.. Ivan Yakovlevich dropped his hands; He began to rub his eyes and feel: his nose, like a nose! and it also seemed as if he was someone’s acquaintance. Horror was depicted in the face of Ivan Yakovlevich. But this horror was nothing against the indignation that took possession of his wife.
“Where are you, beast, did you cut off your nose?” she screamed with anger. - "Scammer! drunkard! I'll report you to the police myself. What a robber! I’ve heard from three people that when you shave, you pull your noses so much that you can barely hold on.”
But Ivan Yakovlevich was neither alive nor dead. He learned that this nose was none other than the collegiate assessor Kovalev, whom he shaved every Wednesday and Sunday.
“Stop, Praskovya Osipovna! I will put it, wrapped in a rag, in a corner: let it lie there for a little while; and then I’ll take it out.”
“And I don’t want to listen! So that I allow a severed nose to lie in my room ?.. Crispy cracker! Know he only knows how to use a razor on a belt, but soon he will not be able to fulfill his duty at all, the slut, the scoundrel! So that I can answer the police for you ?.. Oh, you dirty, stupid log! There he is! out! take it wherever you want! so that I don’t hear him in spirit!”
Ivan Yakovlevich stood absolutely dead. He thought and thought - and did not know what to think. “The devil knows how it happened,” he said finally, scratching his hand behind his ear. “Whether I came back drunk yesterday or not, I certainly can’t say. And by all indications, it must have been an unrealistic incident: for bread is a baked affair, but the nose is not at all like that. I can't figure anything out !.. "Ivan Yakovlevich fell silent. The thought that the police would find his nose and accuse him drove him completely unconscious. Already he imagined a scarlet collar, beautifully embroidered with silver, a sword … and he trembled all over. Finally, he took out his underwear and boots, pulled all this rubbish on himself and, accompanied by the difficult admonitions of Praskovya Osipovna, wrapped his nose in a rag and went out into the street.
He wanted to slip it somewhere: either into a cabinet under the gate, or somehow accidentally drop it, and turn into an alley. But to his misfortune, he came across some familiar person who immediately began with the request: “Where are you going?” or “Who are you planning to shave so early?” so Ivan Yakovlevich could not find a moment. Another time, he had already completely dropped it, but the guard from afar pointed to him with a halberd, saying: “Lift up!” You dropped something!” And Ivan Yakovlevich had to raise his nose and hide it in his pocket. Despair took possession of him, especially since the people constantly multiplied on the street as shops and shops began to open.
He decided to go to the St. Isaac's Bridge: would it be possible to somehow throw him into the Neva? ?.. But I am somewhat guilty that I have not yet said anything about Ivan Yakovlevich, a respectable man in many respects.
Ivan Yakovlevich, like any decent Russian artisan, was a terrible drunkard. And although he shaved other people’s chins every day, his own was never shaved. Ivan Yakovlevich's tailcoat (Ivan Yakovlevich never wore a frock coat) was piebald, that is, it was black, but covered in brown-yellow and gray apples; the collar was shiny; and instead of three buttons there were only threads hanging. Ivan Yakovlevich was a great cynic, and when the collegiate assessor Kovalev usually said to him while shaving: “Your hands, Ivan Yakovlevich, always stink!”, Ivan Yakovlevich answered this with the question: “Why would they stink?” “I don’t know, brother, they just stink,” said the collegiate assessor, and Ivan Yakovlevich, having sniffed the tobacco, lathered him for it on his cheek, and under his nose, and behind his ear, and under his beard, in a word, wherever he needed it. hunting.
This respectable citizen was already on the St. Isaac's Bridge. First of all, he looked around; then he bent down on the railing as if to look under the bridge to see how many fish were running, and quietly threw the rag with his nose. He felt as if ten pounds had been dropped from him at once: Ivan Yakovlevich even grinned. Instead of going to shave the bureaucratic chins, he went to an establishment with a sign: “Food and tea” to ask for a glass of punch, when he suddenly noticed at the end of the bridge a quarterly overseer of noble appearance, with wide sideburns, in a triangular hat, with a sword. He froze; and meanwhile the policeman nodded his finger at him and said: “Come here, my dear!”
Ivan Yakovlevich, knowing the uniform, took off his cap from a distance and, approaching quickly, said: “I wish your honor health!”
“No, no, brother, not the nobility; Tell me, what were you doing there, standing on the bridge?”
“By God, sir, I went to shave, but I just looked to see how fast the river was going.”
“You’re lying, you’re lying! You can't get away with this. Please answer!”
“I am ready to shave your honor twice a week, or even three, without any argument,” answered Ivan Yakovlevich.
“No, buddy, it’s nothing! Three barbers shave me, and they honor me as a great honor. But would you please tell me what you did there?”
Ivan Yakovlevich turned pale … But here the incident is completely obscured by fog, and what happened next is absolutely unknown.
Collegiate assessor Kovalev woke up quite early and made his lips: “brr … ”, which he always did when he woke up, although he himself could not explain for what reason. Kovalev stretched and ordered himself to hand over the small mirror that was standing on the table. He wanted to look at the pimple that had popped up on his nose the previous evening; but to my greatest amazement I saw that instead of a nose he had a completely smooth place! Frightened, Kovalev ordered water and wiped his eyes with a towel: there was definitely no nose! He began to feel with his hand to find out if he was sleeping? doesn't seem to be sleeping. Collegiate assessor Kovalev jumped out of bed, shook himself: no nose !.. He ordered him to immediately get dressed and flew straight to the chief of police.
But meanwhile, it is necessary to say something about Kovalev so that the reader can see what kind of collegiate assessor he was. Collegiate assessors who receive this title with the help of academic certificates cannot in any way be compared with those collegiate assessors who were made in the Caucasus. These are two very special genera. Academic collegiate assessors … But Russia is such a wonderful land that if you talk about one collegiate assessor, then all the collegiate assessors, from Riga to Kamchatka, will certainly take it personally. Understand the same about all titles and ranks. – Kovalev was a Caucasian collegiate assessor. He had only been in this rank for two years and therefore could not forget it for a minute; and in order to give himself more nobility and weight, he never called himself a collegiate assessor, but always a major. “Listen, my dear,” he usually said, when he met a woman on the street selling shirt-fronts: “you come to my house; my apartment is in Sadovaya; Just ask: does Major Kovalev live here? Anyone will show you.” If he met some pretty girl, he would give her a secret order, adding: “Ask, darling, Major Kovalev’s apartment.” “That’s why we ourselves will call this collegiate assessor major in the future.”
Retelling plan
1. The barber Ivan Yakovlevich discovered the nose of the collegiate assessor Kovalev in fresh bread.
2. Major Kovalev notices the disappearance of his nose.
3. He sees his nose and watches its actions.
4. The major takes measures to return the nose.
5. The nose appears in its place on its own.
6. The further life of Major Kovalev.
Retelling
I
On March 25, an unusually strange incident happened in St. Petersburg. The barber Ivan Yakovlevich woke up early in the morning and smelled hot bread. His wife was taking freshly baked bread out of the oven. Having sat down at the table, he began to cut bread. Having cut it open, I looked into the middle and saw something turning white. Ivan Yakovlevich stuck his fingers in and pulled out... his nose! The wife began to scold: “Where are you, beast, you cut off your nose?” “But Ivan Yakovlevich was neither alive nor dead. He learned that this nose was none other than the collegiate assessor Kovalev, whom he shaved every Wednesday and Sunday.” At that very moment, Ivan Yakovlevich was kicked out of the house along with his nose. He stood there like a dead man and didn’t know what to think. Finally, the barber, frightened that the police would come, find his nose and accuse him, went out into the street. He wanted to slip it somewhere, but people kept getting in the way. Ivan Yakovlevich was overcome by despair, and he decided to go to the St. Isaac's Bridge and there try to throw his nose into the Neva. Once on the bridge, he looked around and slowly threw the rag with his nose. But the neighborhood warden noticed all this and began to ask what he was doing while standing on the bridge? Ivan Yakovlevich turned pale, but what happened next is unknown.
Collegiate assessor Kovalev woke up early and asked for a small mirror to look at the pimple that had appeared on his nose yesterday. But to his great surprise, instead of a nose there was a completely smooth place. He began to feel with his hand, jumped up, shook himself: there was no nose!.. He immediately got dressed and went to the chief police chief.
Kovalev liked his own title of collegiate assessor, but “in order to give himself more nobility and weight, he never called himself a collegiate assessor, but always a major.”
Major Kovalev loved to walk along Nevsky Prospect every day. He came to St. Petersburg to look for a vice-governor or executor's position in a prominent department. He was not averse to marrying a rich bride. Can you imagine what his position was when he saw “a stupid, even and smooth place” instead of a nose.
Kovalev went into the pastry shop to look in the mirror to see if he had a nose? Coming out of the pastry shop, he stopped dead in his tracks: a carriage stopped in front of the entrance to one of the corners, and a gentleman in uniform jumped out of it, running up the stairs. Kovalev found out: it was his own nose! There's the pimple on his side from yesterday... Trembling as if with a fever, the major decided to wait for his nose to return to the carriage. Two minutes later the nose came out. “He was in a uniform embroidered with gold, with a large stand-up collar; he was wearing suede trousers; there is a sword at his side. From the hat with the plume one could conclude that he was considered to be in the rank of state councilor... Poor Kovalev almost went crazy... How is it really possible that the nose that was on his face just yesterday could move and walk around - he was in uniform! He ran after the carriage, which, fortunately, stopped in front of the Kazan Cathedral.” Entering the church, he was in such a state that he could not pray, and looked in the corners for this gentleman. Nose hid his face in a large stand-up collar “and prayed with an expression of the greatest piety.”
Major Kovalev did not know how to approach him, because the nose was a state councilor. Finally he made up his mind. Trembling, speechless, apologizing, he tries to explain the situation to this gentleman. With self-esteem he says: “After all, you are my own nose!” To which he replies: “I’m on my own. Moreover, there cannot be any close relations between us.” While Kovalev was staring at the light lady, the nose managed to get into the carriage and leave. The major decided to go on a newspaper expedition and publish an advertisement describing all the qualities of the nose, “so that anyone who met him could immediately introduce him to him or at least let him know about his whereabouts.” The official at the newspaper was forced to refuse: the newspaper is already accused of publishing inconsistencies. Then Major Kovalev went to the private bailiff. He accepted it very dryly, since he was going to fall asleep for two hours, but they disturbed him. He didn’t even want to listen to Kovalev. Tired and sad, the major returned home. He looked at himself in the mirror again and kept thinking: who could play such a cruel joke on him? Finally, he decided that it was the staff officer Podtochina who hired the witches because he refused to marry her daughter.
Towards evening a police official appeared. He said that the nose had now been found: it had been intercepted on the way to Riga, and that he had brought it with him. The collegiate assessor was overjoyed, but then realized that he still needed to be put in his place. With trembling hands, sitting in front of the mirror, Major Kovalev put his nose in, but it did not want to stick, and fell onto the table like a cork. He sent for a doctor. The doctor appeared, examined him, could not do anything and began to assure that the major was much better this way. And he advised me to preserve the nose in alcohol or better sell it. The next day, Kovalev decided to write a letter to the headquarters officer so that she would agree “to return what is due without a fight.” After reading Podtochina’s response to his letter, he was convinced that she was definitely not to blame for anything. Meanwhile, various rumors about Major Kovalev’s nose began to spread around St. Petersburg. But on April 7, the nose, as if nothing had happened, found itself back in its place. Ivan Yakovlevich came to shave the major. And no matter how hard it was for him, he shaved Kovalev without even touching his nose.
After this, the collegiate assessor visited all his acquaintances in order to certify them and himself at the same time that the nose was really in place.
The ending of the story is tragicomic. Kovalev, having found his nose, was delighted, “as if he had found some great treasure,” but he didn’t realize anything, didn’t change anything in his life, didn’t realize that he had a loss worse than the one that scared him - he lost soul. “And after that, Major Kovalev was always seen in good humor, smiling, chasing absolutely all the pretty ladies, and even stopping once in front of a shop in Gostiny Dvor and buying some kind of order ribbon, it is unknown for what reasons, because he himself was not a gentleman of any kind orders."
On March 25th, an unusually strange incident happened in St. Petersburg. The barber Ivan Yakovlevich, who lives on Voznesensky Prospekt (his last name has been lost, and even on his sign - which depicts a gentleman with a soaped cheek and the inscription: “and the blood is opened” - nothing more is displayed), the barber Ivan Yakovlevich woke up quite early and heard the smell of hot of bread. Raising himself a little on the bed, he saw that his wife, a rather respectable lady who was very fond of drinking coffee, was taking freshly baked loaves out of the oven.
“Today, Praskovya Osipovna, I will not drink coffee,” said Ivan Yakovlevich: “but instead I want to eat hot bread with onions.” (That is, Ivan Yakovlevich would have wanted both, but he knew that it was completely impossible to demand two things at once: for Praskovya Osipovna really did not like such whims.) Let the fool eat bread; I feel better,” my wife thought to herself: “there will be an extra portion of coffee left.” And she threw one bread on the table.
For the sake of decency, Ivan Yakovlevich put on a tailcoat over his shirt and, sitting down in front of the table, poured salt, prepared two onions, picked up a knife and, making a significant face, began to cut bread. - Having cut the bread into two halves, he looked into the middle and, to his surprise, saw something turning white. Ivan Yakovlevich carefully picked with a knife and felt with his finger: “Is it dense?” - he said to himself: “What would that be?”
He stuck his fingers in and pulled out - his nose!.. Ivan Yakovlevich dropped his hands; He began to rub his eyes and feel: his nose, like a nose! and it also seemed as if he was someone’s acquaintance. Horror was depicted in the face of Ivan Yakovlevich. But this horror was nothing against the indignation that took possession of his wife.
“Where are you, beast, did you cut off your nose?” she screamed with anger. - "Scammer! drunkard! I'll report you to the police myself. What a robber! I’ve heard from three people that when you shave, you pull your noses so much that you can barely hold on.”
But Ivan Yakovlevich was neither alive nor dead. He learned that this nose was none other than the collegiate assessor Kovalev, whom he shaved every Wednesday and Sunday.
“Stop, Praskovya Osipovna! I will put it, wrapped in a rag, in a corner: let it lie there for a little while; and then I’ll take it out.”
“And I don’t want to listen! So that I allow a severed nose to lie in my room ?.. Crispy cracker! Know he only knows how to use a razor on a belt, but soon he will not be able to fulfill his duty at all, the slut, the scoundrel! So that I can answer the police for you ?.. Oh, you dirty, stupid log! There he is! out! take it wherever you want! so that I don’t hear him in spirit!”
Ivan Yakovlevich stood absolutely dead. He thought and thought - and did not know what to think. “The devil knows how it happened,” he said finally, scratching his hand behind his ear. “Whether I came back drunk yesterday or not, I certainly can’t say. And by all indications, it must have been an unrealistic incident: for bread is a baked affair, but the nose is not at all like that. I can't figure anything out !.. "Ivan Yakovlevich fell silent. The thought that the police would find his nose and accuse him drove him completely unconscious. Already he imagined a scarlet collar, beautifully embroidered with silver, a sword … and he trembled all over. Finally, he took out his underwear and boots, pulled all this rubbish on himself and, accompanied by the difficult admonitions of Praskovya Osipovna, wrapped his nose in a rag and went out into the street.
He wanted to slip it somewhere: either into a cabinet under the gate, or somehow accidentally drop it, and turn into an alley. But to his misfortune, he came across some familiar person who immediately began with the request: “Where are you going?” or “Who are you planning to shave so early?” so Ivan Yakovlevich could not find a moment. Another time, he had already completely dropped it, but the guard from afar pointed to him with a halberd, saying: “Lift up!” You dropped something!” And Ivan Yakovlevich had to raise his nose and hide it in his pocket. Despair took possession of him, especially since the people constantly multiplied on the street as shops and shops began to open.
He decided to go to the St. Isaac's Bridge: would it be possible to somehow throw him into the Neva? ?.. But I am somewhat guilty that I have not yet said anything about Ivan Yakovlevich, a respectable man in many respects.
Ivan Yakovlevich, like any decent Russian artisan, was a terrible drunkard. And although he shaved other people’s chins every day, his own was never shaved. Ivan Yakovlevich's tailcoat (Ivan Yakovlevich never wore a frock coat) was piebald, that is, it was black, but covered in brown-yellow and gray apples; the collar was shiny; and instead of three buttons there were only threads hanging. Ivan Yakovlevich was a great cynic, and when the collegiate assessor Kovalev usually said to him while shaving: “Your hands, Ivan Yakovlevich, always stink!”, Ivan Yakovlevich answered this with the question: “Why would they stink?” “I don’t know, brother, they just stink,” said the collegiate assessor, and Ivan Yakovlevich, having sniffed the tobacco, lathered him for it on his cheek, and under his nose, and behind his ear, and under his beard, in a word, wherever he needed it. hunting.
This respectable citizen was already on the St. Isaac's Bridge. First of all, he looked around; then he bent down on the railing as if to look under the bridge to see how many fish were running, and quietly threw the rag with his nose. He felt as if ten pounds had been dropped from him at once: Ivan Yakovlevich even grinned. Instead of going to shave the bureaucratic chins, he went to an establishment with a sign: “Food and tea” to ask for a glass of punch, when he suddenly noticed at the end of the bridge a quarterly overseer of noble appearance, with wide sideburns, in a triangular hat, with a sword. He froze; and meanwhile the policeman nodded his finger at him and said: “Come here, my dear!”
Ivan Yakovlevich, knowing the uniform, took off his cap from a distance and, approaching quickly, said: “I wish your honor health!”
“No, no, brother, not the nobility; Tell me, what were you doing there, standing on the bridge?”
“By God, sir, I went to shave, but I just looked to see how fast the river was going.”
“You’re lying, you’re lying! You can't get away with this. Please answer!”
“I am ready to shave your honor twice a week, or even three, without any argument,” answered Ivan Yakovlevich.
“No, buddy, it’s nothing! Three barbers shave me, and they honor me as a great honor. But would you please tell me what you did there?”
Ivan Yakovlevich turned pale … But here the incident is completely obscured by fog, and what happened next is absolutely unknown.
Collegiate assessor Kovalev woke up quite early and made his lips: “brr … ”, which he always did when he woke up, although he himself could not explain for what reason. Kovalev stretched and ordered himself to hand over the small mirror that was standing on the table. He wanted to look at the pimple that had popped up on his nose the previous evening; but to my greatest amazement I saw that instead of a nose he had a completely smooth place! Frightened, Kovalev ordered water and wiped his eyes with a towel: there was definitely no nose! He began to feel with his hand to find out if he was sleeping? doesn't seem to be sleeping. Collegiate assessor Kovalev jumped out of bed, shook himself: no nose !.. He ordered him to immediately get dressed and flew straight to the chief of police.
But meanwhile, it is necessary to say something about Kovalev so that the reader can see what kind of collegiate assessor he was. Collegiate assessors who receive this title with the help of academic certificates cannot in any way be compared with those collegiate assessors who were made in the Caucasus. These are two very special genera. Academic collegiate assessors … But Russia is such a wonderful land that if you talk about one collegiate assessor, then all the collegiate assessors, from Riga to Kamchatka, will certainly take it personally. Understand the same about all titles and ranks. – Kovalev was a Caucasian collegiate assessor. He had only been in this rank for two years and therefore could not forget it for a minute; and in order to give himself more nobility and weight, he never called himself a collegiate assessor, but always a major. “Listen, my dear,” he usually said, when he met a woman on the street selling shirt-fronts: “you come to my house; my apartment is in Sadovaya; Just ask: does Major Kovalev live here? Anyone will show you.” If he met some pretty girl, he would give her a secret order, adding: “Ask, darling, Major Kovalev’s apartment.” “That’s why we ourselves will call this collegiate assessor major in the future.”