Psychologist's answer.
Dear Christina!
There is such a thing as dream-speaking. Scientifically speaking, it is somniloquy. I'm guessing this is it. Doctors believe that there is a hereditary predisposition to it. Those. Simply put, it is often inherited. From parents, grandparents, by genes. People who suffer from sleep-speaking mutter in their sleep, periodically pronounce some words loudly and even scream, this is how they shout. Night conversations and mutterings last about 30 seconds, on average. This happens at the change of sleep phases. A person does not sleep in deep sleep all the time; the REM sleep phase is replaced by the slow sleep phase. And then slow-wave sleep smoothly turns into superficial sleep, rich in dreams. So, in people prone to sleep-talking, at some point the motor centers of the cerebral cortex are excited when the phases of sleep change. This is their predisposition.
I can’t say exactly how, but the phenomenon is associated with sleepwalking. It often manifests itself in people who are prone to sleepwalking and have relatives who have experienced sleepwalking.
This phenomenon often manifests itself in childhood, more actively than in adults. Therefore, the most comprehensive information can probably be provided by the parents of a young man. But for some, it persists even into adulthood. It is activated at times of stress, increased emotional stress, especially if a person holds back emotions, but they do not disappear anywhere. Nervous tension during the daytime, fatigue from study or work, lack of sleep, and improper daily routine are very influential. And in a dream, a person sees a dream, most likely it reflects his fears, and begins to talk. But when he wakes up, most often he does not remember what he screamed in his sleep and cannot remember the dreams themselves.
Now, if you are concerned about the health of your young man, you can discuss this topic with him. Remember what happened 2 years ago, maybe there was some kind of strong stress, psychological trauma. How this manifested itself in his childhood. If something bothers him greatly, there are unresolved problems that he “pushes” away from himself, does not want to think about them, cannot make a decision, is afraid of something, this could be all the consequence. Those. problems must be resolved internal (psychological) and external, reduce the level of anxiety and anxiety and reduce the load on the nervous system. Lack of sleep has a significant impact. Frequent overwork. Those. It is important to regulate your daily routine. Alcoholic drinks, coffee at night are harmful, watching scary movies, active exercise in the evening. And of course, all kinds of conflicts with other people can have a significant impact. It is worth thinking about resolving unnecessary conflict situations, if any.
It is also important for your boyfriend to visit a neurologist directly regarding sleep talk. The fact is that sleep speaking most often manifests itself in childhood and by the age of 14-16 it fades away or appears only in moments of severe stress, nervous overload, and fatigue. And if it remains stable by the age of 20, in the absence of severe stress in life, it is important to check the nervous system and rule out the development of all kinds of hidden diseases. I can’t say which ones, because doctors know better about it. Sometimes doctors prescribe sedatives.
But in principle, you shouldn’t be afraid of sleep talking - this is such a feature of your young man’s psyche. But if your boyfriend screams in his sleep and you try to wake him up, do it carefully, without sudden movements.
I wish you and your boyfriend health and prosperity!
Writers, critics and directors, in a conversation with BUSINESS Online, remember the “Casanova of the Thaw” who passed away at the age of 85
The famous poet Yevgeny Yevtushenko, who died at the end of last week, will be buried in the writers' village of Peredelkino in accordance with his will. The passing of a man-epoch in the history of Russian literature will inevitably give rise to a lot of memories, assessments and living testimonies. BUSINESS Online columnist Elena Cheremnykh talked with cultural and artistic figures about who was sure that “a poet in Russia is more than a poet.”
“I'M OVER THIRTY. I'M SCARY AT NIGHT"
He died Saturday in Tulsa, Oklahoma, at the age of 85. The diagnosis - “cardiac arrest” - sounds metaphorical in relation to the era of the sixties poets. Now it will be up to historians to understand what this era was like and what place Yevtushenko’s poetry occupied in it. The most interesting thing will probably be the change in the degree of sympathy for the work of one of the most controversial and, in a certain sense, the most adventurous representatives of Soviet Thaw poetry.
Yevtushenko’s most famous phrase - “a poet in Russia is more than a poet” - already during his lifetime made him part of history - not only Soviet, not only poetic, but also folk, almost Russian folk. In contrast to the poem “Bratsk Hydroelectric Power Station” itself, which today looks like a sweeping civic gesture of a person who desperately needed to pour out loudly and very lyrically.
I'm over thirty. I'm scared at night.
I hump the sheet with my knees,
I drown my face in the pillow, I cry in shame,
That I wasted my life on trifles,
And in the morning I spend it the same way again.
I don’t remember anything like this honest, almost foolish expression of oneself in the image of a lyrical hero in Russian poetry. Unlike Pushkin, Lermontov, Pasternak, from whom Yevtushenko asked for inspiration in “Prayer” from the prologue of the same “Bratskaya Hydroelectric Power Station”, he did not distance himself - as an author - at all from either poetic constructions or life moods. He wrote as he lived - enthusiastically, verbosely, talentedly, at high speed, ahead of his time and as if trying to outstrip himself. Almost becoming a football player in his youth, he also lived in poetry - as on a big football field.
Stadiums of listeners gathered for his performances. Thin-necked, wiry, from somewhere in Siberia, who came to Moscow from “Zima Station”, he remained a boy seeking the attention of the masses. Yevtushenko chose the most extreme ways to build and live. At the age of 18, without a diploma, he had already joined the Union of Writers of the USSR. In 1963, barely 30, he had already written and published his “Premature Autobiography,” for which he received a severe reprimand from the authorities. The ravenous appetite for fame was doing its job, pushing him at all speeds towards the still unexperienced, the still unknown.
Yevtushenko is the first Soviet poet to be interviewed by Playboy magazine. The first poet of the sixties, on whose poems, including “Babi Yar,” an entire symphonic work was written - Shostakovich’s Thirteenth Symphony. The first and most likely the only one I visited Marlene Dietrich. The first whose collection “White Snow is Falling” sold 100,000 copies. According to legend, he himself wanted to film him in the role of Christ Pierre Pasolini. The Nobel laureate was angry with him Joseph Brodsky. But the dissident writer forgave him Andrey Sinyavsky.
It is difficult to say whether Yevtushenko was a favorite of the muses. He himself threw himself into their arms, without worrying too much about the problem of reciprocity. In the film "Take Off" he played Tsiolkovsky. As a director himself, he made the films “Kindergarten” and “Stalin’s Funeral.” Born in distant Siberia, he traveled the whole world with the same ease with which in recent years, without becoming a recluse, he visited Karelia, the homeland of his Petrozavodsk wife. And in July 2014 in Kazan he even performed in a “frying pan” at the Lenin monument in front of university youth.
An easy sense of life, sociability, indomitable curiosity and much more symbolize his poetic destiny in categories close to an adventurous novel. The feeling that life of such an eventful volume resists the dull genre of the obituary forced BUSINESS Online to turn to leading metropolitan and St. Petersburg critics, poets, and journalists of different age groups for comments. Many of them turned out to have something to say about the place and role of Yevtushenko in poetry, in history and even in their personal biographies.
“I TREAT HIS DEATH AS THE DEATH OF A SYMBOL, THE LAST “LIVING TESTIMONY” OF THE THAW ERA”
Elizaveta Smirnova- poet (Moscow):
No matter how I feel about Yevtushenko’s personality or his poems, I regard his death as the death of a symbol, the last living evidence of the Thaw era. For me, in this testimony there is almost nothing from Yevtushenko himself - it is rather something like a birch bark letter. Now, if they had burned the last birch bark letter, it would have been about the same feeling as immediately after the news of Yevtushenko’s death. Because in many ways, thanks to his specificity and the specificity of the poets of the sixties, he had influence and meaning only when he was alive. What and how he said and wrote was a myth about the sixties, but a myth constructed by them themselves and continues to be reproduced. This myth is significantly different from what is created today by official culture. The new “thaw” and the new “sixties” lack the urgency of problematization, the intense dialogue between art and power, the culture of the generation of children with the culture of their peers and fathers. The purified aesthetic form in which Yevtushenko, without his living presence, consists only of program poems.
Nikolay Berman- theater critic, director (Moscow):
There is something personal for me in Yevtushenko’s death. He was one of those people about whom it seemed to me that they would probably never die - and at the same time it was strange that they were still alive. Of the main poets of the sixties, he was the last to leave - probably because he had the most of the powerful vital energy that fed them. He was always on the edge - both in his poems, which sometimes, in their intensity of passion, sentimental pathos and almost comical naivety, dangerously approached graphomania, and in his outfits playing with all the colors of the rainbow, and in his fiery, idealistic and always untimely thoughts. There was posing in him, there was self-indulgence, but there was something real and very pure, like the joy of a three-year-old child. I remember how he once came to my school... This is probably why I always associate him with childhood.
Elena Fanailova- poet and translator, laureate of the Andrei Bely Prize (Moscow):
Evgeny Yevtushenko - man of the Zeitgeist ( German Zeitgeist - spirit of the times -approx. ed.). Sometimes it's more important than talent. And he is a man of style. Actually, this quality allowed him to maintain moral hygiene. Yes, I completely forgot: I have my first short review and criticism, and publication from him: I am 15 years old, he was collecting a book from “The Scarlet Sail” in “Komsomolskaya Pravda”.
Alexander Lifshits- Candidate of Philological Sciences, specialist in the history of Russian handwritten books and book culture of the 14th - 18th centuries (Moscow):
The poet Evgeny Aleksandrovich Yevtushenko belonged entirely to that time, which thought to itself that it was young and forever. Time seemed big, like a country stretched out along parallel lines. Time contained a lot of air. Coniferous, clean, frosty or, on the contrary, hot - with tons of sour wine and slightly thoughtful fruit on the seashore. There were beautiful young women in it who loved the poet, there were honest and straightforward people in it, and time seemed honest and straightforward. And it didn't turn out that way. Yevtushenko cannot be torn away from that time with his absurd honesty, enthusiasm and tongue-tiedness. He remained faithful to him, shouting at the top of his lungs about his freedom, about the possibility of freedom.
People will certainly write about Evgeny Aleksandrovich Yevtushenko. Yes, in fact, many are already writing, differing in their assessments of his poetry and figure, some readily using him as a background for their words and wanting to indicate their involvement in something significant that no longer exists. And the general sigh sounds almost sympathetic: No, he is better than he seemed, than many thought about him, and now, of course, they won’t think about him. And his poetry, if you don’t count... And, by the way, he was not a KGB agent. And despite, he... And he, of course, he himself made a lot of effort to be remembered by his forward nose, sudden movements of the hand, tense long neck, jackets, ties, caps, so that in the recent series he would appear absurdly unlike himself.
And in numerous frames of recent documentary films we see eyes that stare at the camera lens with fear. We hear a pleading intonation: just hear me. Therefore, he will always read poetry with unimaginable intonations, craning his neck, increasing unnecessary pathos, straining his throat. So that no one overtakes, no one has time to shout before you. And the fear that they won’t hear, that they won’t appreciate, that they won’t understand, that they will forget. Therefore, a flashy shirt, jacket, tie and cap so that no one sees you. After all, everyone will look at your outfit. Funny defense of a teenager from the adult world. Naive love of freedom, teenage outrageousness. At the same time, adults can be insolent by demonstrating their freedom in this way and without changing it for anything. Those who saw the long past will not forget this, just as they will not forget Yevtushenko’s poems - each has their own. There is no past tense without Yevtushenko. We'll see what remains in the future.
“EVGENY YEVTUSHENKO IS UNCONDITIONALLY A TRAGIC FIGURE”
Tatiana Shcherbina- Russian poet, prose writer, essayist, translator, laureate of the French National Center of Literature Prize (Moscow):
To be honest, I don’t like Yevtushenko’s poems, but when a person died, I understand that it is inappropriate to say such things. I have loved poetry very much since childhood. The modern poetry that I read when I was 14-15 years old, of course, seemed to me something different from what real poetry should be. And then, with a great, admittedly, delay, I read Brodsky’s poems, and everything fell into place for me. If we talk about Yevtushenko, of all the poets of the sixties, he was the only one who packed stadiums. This was his strength, but it was also a certain poetic insufficiency in the sense of language. But it was a language addressed to millions. And Yevtushenko said something important to these millions in this way. In this regard, for some reason, from his poetry, I first of all remember “Babi Yar”... There was such a poet Yuri Volodov - he was a strange man, so small, he was not published. The situation with his authorship of “Babi Yar” is still not completely clear. Yevtushenko was asked about this many times, and he never said a clear “no.” Somehow he avoided it. It is unknown what really happened. Don't know.
As for my personal acquaintance with him, it happened by chance in the courtyard of the House of Writers. We stood with Lev Alexandrovich Annensky and talked. I was then a young, aspiring poet. Suddenly Yevgeny Yevtushenko walks by - he knew Annensky - and my counterpart suddenly says to him: “Here, Zhenya, meet me, this is your subverter.” Embarrassed, I said the worst thing that could be said: “Not a subverter, I don’t care about your poetry at all.” I can remember one more case. When I came to live in France in 1992, I once met a man who was absolutely far from poetry; he was a farmer or something. He asks: “Where are you from?” I answer: “From Russia.” “Oh,” he says, “Russia is Yevtushenko!”
Yevtushenko was a very Soviet poet. He was, on the one hand, a leftist, on the other, an official: he met with presidents, and few people were allowed to do this. He was, as it were, an export version of the “Soviet poet.” The phrase “socialism with a human face” was in use at that time. He was this “human face” of socialism. Not only a poet, but also an actor, a director (he made films), a prose writer, and a photographer. He managed to embrace the immensity. Moreover, even his appearance - strange clothes in catchy colors - was a way to attract attention. He seemed to insist: yes, I am such a bright bird! But it is also important to remember that he worked a lot on the poems of other poets and published them. For example, I published an anthology, I forgot what it was called, it seems, “A poet in Russia is more than a poet.” This very famous phrase of his was said about himself, that is, he specifically thought of himself as a poet who is “more than a poet.”
Dmitry Kuzmin- poet, literary critic, publisher, translator, founder of the Union of Young Writers “Babylon” (Moscow):
Yevgeny Yevtushenko is, of course, a tragic figure. The first tragic circumstance of his life was his inclusion in the Soviet cultural paradigm of the Thaw era, fraught with certain hopes, but deeply false in its ideological and aesthetic basis. Working within the framework set by his superiors not out of fear, but out of conscience, showing audacity and individuality in the permitted dosage, Yevtushenko built his extraordinary talent according to ready-made models of a Soviet artist, agitator, loudmouth, leader and engineer of human souls - and naturally quickly squandered this talent and lost.
The second, no less tragic circumstance of the poet’s long creative biography was the renaissance of professional and public interest in him in recent years. The merit of Yevtushenko himself in this is minimal; this interest arose as part of the broad movement of today's Russian society back to Soviet reality, a classic flight from freedom, risky and incomprehensible, to the familiar slavery of yesterday. From this poorly started and poorly ended literary biography it is not easy to separate those few true poems of the highest caliber that Yevtushenko has, but in the long-term historical perspective this, of course, will certainly happen, because, as the great Russian poet Natalya Gorbanevskaya wrote, sent by the Soviet authorities for compulsory psychiatric treatment at exactly the same time when Yevtushenko, with the blessing of this authority, was gathering audiences at stadiums: “Anyway, they won’t remember later whether Dante was a Guelph or a Ghibelline.”
“MY ADULTS ARE LEAVING, MY ADULTS’ LOVE IS LEAVING”
Lyubov Arkus- film critic, documentary director, founder and editor-in-chief of the magazine “Seance” (Saint Petersburg):
I read about “traveling abroad after Prague for a reason”, about “servitude”, etc. Even on the day of death, the party committee continues for some. He was alive. He soared to the skies, fell like crazy, got up, made mistakes, repented, wrote a lot, loved many, and was loved by many. Only over the years do you realize how rare it is to have a living person. And how much it is to express an era and even make it in many ways.
My reading circle was bizarre. From my grandmother - Pushkin, Apukhtin, Nadson, Bryusov, early Gorky. From my mother - Hemingway, Salinger, Remarque, Kazakevich, Simonov, then from my mother - Trifonov, Yuri Kazakov. And all four poets, of course. Then girlfriends appeared two years older. Smart, “dedicated”, smoking “by the chimney” in the attic at school. I hid behind the pipe and listened as they read the unknown. This is how Tsvetaeva, Akhmatova, and Mandelstam appeared. I had to learn to smoke. One day I made up my mind. She took a drag on the cigarette she had saved for the first time and entered into a conversation. “Well, read something,” they allowed condescendingly. I read from the Bratsk Hydroelectric Power Station. “Go, girl,” my future bosom friends told me then, “Eutuchus is not the hero of our novel.”
But somehow all my loves never left my life. New ones were added, but the old ones did not leave. Kingdom of Heaven, Evgeniy Alexandrovich. My adults are leaving, the loves of my adults are leaving, my childhood is turning into another world.
Artem Lipatov- journalist, columnist for Kommersant-FM (Moscow):
Perhaps there was no more controversial figure in Russian poetry of the second half of the 20th century. One of the pillars of the sixties, one of the “four in hats” from the famous photograph was famous on both sides of the ocean, especially in the USA: he was friends with Allen Ginsberg, performed on the same stage with Jefferson Airplane, was published in Harper's Bazaar and enjoyed enormous popularity popular in his homeland, where he balanced between power and opposition.
In an interview with Playboy magazine in 1972, he admitted that he tried all kinds of drugs, accused American TV of lack of spirituality and dissembled about Nabokov. But the very fact of this interview, which could have been imputed to anyone, makes one think about a lot. At the same time, there are well-known facts of intercession and literally battles for one or another offended and humiliated, at the same time - “Babi Yar”, at the same time - a grandiose anthology of Russian poetry... and the amazing, hitherto underestimated rock poetry “Confession”, published on “Melodies” and has long become a philophonic rarity. I think the members of the Araks group, disgraced at that time, could tell something about this recording.
One way or another, Yevtushenko was a poet, and nothing can be done about it. Sometimes his lines seem like a monstrous conjuncture, sometimes it’s hard to breathe from them, but they are full of the music of the times and the spirit of a living person who chose his untrodden path and walked along it confidently and to the end. The fact that the end found him in Tulsa, Oklahoma, I think, doesn’t change much.
Kirill Korchagin- poet, laureate of the Andrei Bely Prize (Moscow):
The lives of some poets are more fascinating than their poems. They are, apparently, more important than poetry, because they allow us to feel the movement of history or come closer to the solution to who we are and why we are here. This applies to Yevtushenko to the fullest extent: his biography is full of meetings with almost all the people who determined the appearance of the second half of the twentieth century. Of course, this is much more exciting than the poetry: Pinochet’s limp handshake, the enthusiasm of Pasolini, who wanted to film the young Yevtushenko in the role of Christ, but could not settle the formalities, acquaintances around the world with victims of war crimes and, conversely, with former executioners - all this is a great art in itself. It allows you to feel that the world is united, and not fragmented into parts, and that humanity still has a lot of work to do to improve it.
Yevtushenko’s poems are a small section of this work, and they were the better, the smaller this section, the smaller the tasks the poet set for himself, because riding a bicycle in Kuntsevo is almost the same as running along the banks of the Tiber, but every day having dinner at the Central House of Writers is not at all like hiding from the secret police for years. It was then that the movement of time could be heard in his poems - the course of history, to which he listened with an attention almost unprecedented in Russian poetry. It was important for him not just to participate in this history, but to absorb the entire twentieth century without a trace. He sought to equate himself with the age: not to be afraid of it and not to despair of its horrors, but to accept it entirely.
It was as if he thought that all the wounds of the past could be healed - the main thing is to move forward all the time, not to stop for a minute, not to become despondent. Not only to mourn for those killed who wanted freedom, but to continue their work as much as possible. For example, with the help of poems, which seemed to have to patch up more and more holes in a world changing before our eyes, with the help of insane publicity, where there was no more pop narcissism than asceticism, a willingness to listen carefully to everyone. It’s common to laugh at the incredible number of Yevtushenko’s poems and speeches, but wasn’t this the ardent desire for a new world, a great utopia, where there would be no place for violence and oppression?
Yevtushenko's best poems are filled with a premonition of the future. Time flows or rushes in them, sometimes even stretches, but never stands still. The future is born here from a keen sense of life, from the feeling that man is a historical being and for trying to exist outside of history, in a quiet private world, he will have to pay a terrible price. In many ways, this is the experience of a person in the mid-twentieth century - one who, after all the catastrophes, was again able to believe that a single world and a single humanity were possible. Now it is increasingly difficult to believe in such unity, but perhaps it is sincere faith in the future, the willingness to fight for it, that is the main lesson that Yevtushenko’s poetry and life can teach.
I gave him an oath...
Question: I ask for your advice, I don’t know who to turn to. When I was not yet in Islam, I talked with a guy. Subsequently, he became the reason for my transition to Islam. I swore to him that I would only marry him. But then he stopped praying, started drinking, and swearing (including at me). I don’t want to marry him, he is gradually becoming unpleasant to me. I gave him many vows without even thinking about the consequences. Now I don’t know what to do. I read a hadith that says that if you made an oath and made every effort to keep it, but it didn’t work out, then there will be no sin for it, and they also told me that if you do tawbah prayer and fast for three days , then the unfulfilled oath will be forgiven, inshaAllah. Please advise what to do.
Alim's answer: When choosing a life partner, you need to pay attention to his fear of God. If the one you were going to marry began to lead a riotous lifestyle, then it is better not to marry him. For any violation of the oath, a kaffarat (fine) is imposed. The one who breaks the oath is obliged to distribute to ten poor people one muddu (a measure of the weight of bulk solids equal to 600 g) of grain from what the majority of the inhabitants of the area where you live consume, or one item of clothing: trousers, shirt, dress, scarf, etc. Anyone who is unable to do any of these options is required to fast for three days. Keeping them in a row is not a condition. Do what you can from the above and Allah, insha Allah, will forgive you.
Psychologist's opinion: I don't think your vows are that serious. I say this because, in principle, you swore an oath to a completely different person, with different views and life position. And for greater persuasiveness, listen to the words of the theologian and do what is in your power.
Dad doesn't want to let me marry a Chechen
Question: I want to get an answer to a question that has been bothering me for a long time... The fact is that a guy of a different nationality wants to marry me, he is a Chechen. Alhamdulillah, he is an observant Muslim. We met by chance and I hope that this, Insha Allah, is our destiny. His parents agree, and at first my father agreed too. But then calls from angry relatives began from Dagestan - they are categorically against it. And the father was angry too. They began to say to him: what will people say? Have you thought about this? They don't like us. Moreover, they are not at all interested in whether the guy is religious or not... they say, come quickly, we will marry her to even a crooked, blind man... to anyone (including the non-religious), but to our nation. They don't think about how I feel, they're not interested in it. After all, as far as I know, our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was against nationalism. After all, we are all Muslims and Iman is important to us. For a father, only people's opinions matter. I don't know what to do... Tell me, please! My relatives were also against it when I put on the hijab, they also said that people would say that I had become a Wahhabbi, they brought me to tears. But I did it with the help of the Almighty... I know that if I persuade my father, he will agree to my marriage. I just don't know how to do it. My mom and brother know the guy and support me.
Alim's answer: If earlier, when choosing a life partner, people paid attention to fear of God, today, unfortunately, they pay attention to their position in society, money, and nationality. As you yourself noted, the Prophet (PBUH) condemned the division of people by nationality. The hadith says: “He is not one of us who calls for nationalism, who fights for the sake of nationalism, who will die for the sake of nationalism!” (Muslim). Parents and relatives forget about the hearts and feelings of their children. Probably, passions have become more important than the words of the Prophet (pbuh). In numerous hadiths, our Prophet (PBUH), who is an example, encourages us to pay attention first to a person’s piety and only then to his lineage. We ourselves observe how parents, for the sake of their passions, against the will of their children, marry off their daughters, and as a result, they get divorced. If your relatives care about people’s opinions, if they opposed the hijab, then how can they give good advice and show the best way? I would advise your father to pay attention to the fear of God. There is no need to be afraid of what people or relatives will say because he followed the words of the Prophet (PBUH). No matter what nationality a person is, if there is fear of God, this marriage will be barakat. A Muslim should not be afraid of people's opinions, he must follow the Prophet (PBUH) and the Koran. No one can prohibit interethnic marriages, because Allah says in the Koran:
يا أيها الذين آمنوا لا تحرموا طيبات ما أحل الله لكم ولا تعتدوا
(Meaning): “O you who believe! Do not forbid the blessings that Allah has made lawful for you, and do not transgress the boundaries of what is permitted (do not sin).”(Surah al-Maida, verse 87).
Islam is higher and nobler than any class or position in society, follow it.
Psychologist's opinion: First of all, in your matter you need to enlist the support of a close and authoritative person.
Only their worthy and respectful attitude towards you and your relatives can change your father’s opinion, which happens quite often. Give your father time to resolve everything amicably, as they say, water wears away stones.
I am a Christian
Question: One question really worries me. I am a Christian, and so is my boyfriend, but recently he started talking about how he was going to convert to Islam. I don’t want to offend you, but I don’t like his decision, to put it mildly. I try to reassure myself that let him believe as he wants. But what worries me more is that we are going to get married next year, if he converts to Islam before the wedding, will I have to convert to Islam as his future wife?
Alim's answer: Islam is a religion of peace, goodness, security and purity. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that your future husband is going to become a Muslim. You shouldn't be afraid of this. It should also be noted that there is no coercion in Islam.
If you marry according to the madhhab of Imam al-Shafi'i, you must convert to Islam for the marriage to be considered valid. And according to the madhhab of Abu Hanifa, such a marriage is considered valid even without accepting Islam.
Psychologist's opinion: You need to resolve this problem with your fiancé before the wedding, and not put it off until later. The issue of faith is a complex issue and should not be taken lightly. One of the most important criteria for a strong family is commonality of views. Talk to your young man, find out what pushed him to take such a step and then, perhaps, you yourself will change your mind.
He insults me
Question: My husband has a second wife. He pays more attention to her. And he treats me like a housekeeper and insults me. What should I do? And will it be a sin for him for this? Answer please.
Alim's answer: Islam instructs a man to treat all his wives equally. In the hadith of the Prophet (PBUH), transmitted by Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud and others, it is said: “He who has two wives and does not show justice on the Day of Judgment will stand in such a way that one of his sides will hang down.” You, in turn, obey your husband, show patience, for this you will receive a great reward.
Psychologist's opinion: The situation is complex and often ends unfavorably. It will get worse if you show him your irritation and hostility. It is often possible to successfully resolve the situation by creating a benevolent and kind atmosphere in the house, which your husband will appreciate and draw the right conclusions.
I'm scared at night
Question: I am 17 years old, I recently graduated from school. At night, when I wake up, I am scared, although I am ashamed to talk about it. This fear has probably haunted me since I was 5 years old, when I would just wake up and cry. Now I always feel fear, and especially in the house where I live and was born. Because of this fear, when I’m alone in the morning prayer, I don’t get up, or I wake up at night and read “al Fatiha,” but it doesn’t always help. Is there anything said about such fear in Islam? Are there any prayers against this? What to do?
Alim's answer: Seek the help of Allah, as He himself teaches us. Read Surahs al-Falyak and an-Nass often. These suras are meant to protect against Satan. Say istiaza (request for protection from Allah): “Auzubillahi minashshaitani ar-rajim” or “Auzubillahi samil-alim minashshaitani arrajim.” But one point needs to be taken into account - the Ulama (Muslim theologians) are unanimous that the help that we are told to resort to does not bring any benefit if we ask insincerely. If a person simply pronounces these words, and his heart is distracted from Allah, then, of course, there will be no benefit in this case. It is necessary that a person’s heart be turned to the Almighty. If you ask Allah, as Allah wishes, then the one asking is a thousand times stronger than the Shaitan. And do not forget that there is no strength and power except from Allah.
Psychologist's opinion: The problem of night terrors has long been no longer considered something particularly complex and can be easily corrected. First of all, try rearranging the furniture in the room where fears arise, paying special attention to changing the place and location of the bed in the space. Another way is the following: describe your fear in as much detail as possible, everything you feel and think about, on a piece of paper. After a few days, when you are in a good mood, re-read. Repeat this several times, and the strength of fear will noticeably decrease.
I can't control my heart
Question: I married not for love, but because my parents decided so. I live well with my wife, she is very good and tries to support me in everything. But I am always drawn to other girls. What should I do? Is this a sin because a person cannot control his heart? Is it possible to marry someone else? Help with advice, dear psychologist!
Psychologist's opinion: It is difficult to advise anything in such a situation, but we must remember that love is far from the most important indicator of family well-being. It may happen that after marrying someone else for love, everything will ultimately turn out badly. Think about what you would like to see in your wife. And then, through encouragement and good advice, lead her to this opinion. And if you constantly compare her with other girls and pay serious attention to them, then the problem will most likely worsen.
I love him so much
Question: I love one guy, but I hide my feelings because he is married and follows the norms of Islam. It seems to me that he likes me too, but he also can’t do anything. Apparently he is afraid that I will reject him. I would marry him, despite the fact that he already has a family and that I have not yet been married. But I’m afraid of public opinion and condemnation... I don’t know what my family and friends will say. I depend on it. What should I do, because I love him very much, and I want him to teach me religion. What should I do, how should I tell him that I need him...
Alim's answer: As you know, Islam allows, and in some cases even approves, polygamous marriages (polygamy), so Shariah does not see anything reprehensible or forbidden in your desire to marry this Muslim. Especially if you and he are not indifferent to each other. And you shouldn’t attach too much importance to public opinion, the main thing is that everything is in accordance with Islamic norms. You can tell him about your feelings and desire to get married through your parents, relatives, etc. Moreover, from your words it turns out that he is an observant Muslim. I think that by connecting your life with such a person, you and your religion will only receive benefit and happiness in both worlds. May the Almighty help you.
This desire is stronger than me
Question: I am very embarrassed to write about this, but it is easier to write than to tell someone and ask for advice directly. I often masturbate and every time I think that I won’t do it again, but I can’t help myself. My parents are in no hurry to marry me yet; for them I am still small. Maybe because of this I have complexes and difficulties in communicating with my peers. Every time I really repent, but this desire is stronger than me. What should I do, how can I get rid of this? Help me please.
Psychologist's opinion: This issue has been discussed by us more than once. Eliminate all possible reasons that lead to this, namely, watching videos and photographs of erotic content, dreams of sex, etc. Compliance with the desired fast and physical activity helps very well. In addition, if possible, tell your parents that you want to get married; most likely, they will be understanding, especially your father.
Theologian Gadzhimurad Omargadzhiev and psychologist Aliaskhab Murzaev answer the questions.
- 788 views