Neglect is one of the oldest types of emotional abuse. Psychologists' point of view

Ignoring a person and/or situation is one of the most common methods of psychological defense or punishment. Despite its apparent simplicity, there is little that is as effective as this simple technique. The danger is that the technique of ignoring rarely leads to a final solution to certain problems, since, in fact, it is a way to evade any action. We’ll talk more about the psychology of ignoring today.

Ignoring as a defense

With the help of ignoring, as a technique of defensive reaction to the emergence of a particular problem, a person, as it were, creates an alternative reality in which some block of information is missing. The so-called ignoring matrix helps to find it.

Ignoring Matrix

The neglect matrix is a special model that considers neglect in terms of type and level. These two concepts are similar and to some extent interchangeable.

1. Types of ignoring:

ignoring the fact of what is happening. In this case, we refuse to see this or that situation that creates a certain problem;
ignoring the fact of the problem. This type of ignorance involves accepting what is happening but refusing to acknowledge that reality poses any problem;
ignoring opportunities. You see the situation, recognize the problem, but ignore the existence of possibilities for solving it.

2. Ignore level:

ignoring the availability of opportunities;
ignoring the significance of opportunities, in other words, doubting their (opportunities’) effectiveness;
ignoring the option to change capabilities;
Ignoring personal abilities associated with self-doubt and fear of inability to take advantage of opportunities.

The ignoring matrix provides all combinations of types and levels of ignoring, adding up to a diagram of three columns (types) and four rows (levels). The method of using the ignoring matrix allows you to find that part of the information that is ignored, preventing the solution of a certain problem. To do this, you need to start checking each cell, starting from the upper left corner of the matrix, moving diagonally down.

It is worth mentioning such a phenomenon as rational ignoring, when our apathetic behavior is due to the fact that we do not see any personal benefit from participating in a certain action. The most common example is reluctance to go to elections, participate in demonstrations, etc. In this case, the psychology of ignoring is also considered as a defense, in this case, passivity protects us from expending energy.

Ignoring as a method of punishment

Very often we use the method of ignoring, trying to somehow influence others. The psychology of ignoring a person is that we consciously do not pay attention to the person we want to punish or hurt.

In addition, the reason for ignoring, paradoxically, may be an attempt to attract attention to oneself. So, for example, the reason a woman ignores a man may be her desire to show the man her resentment. The problem is that such a method, as a rule, is met with aggression and misunderstanding in response. Men usually they don’t know how to react to being ignored and respond in kind. The result is a vicious circle of inaction and increasing conflict.

At the same time, girls often take advantage of being ignored when they want to attract the attention of the man they like. In this case, they rely on the notorious hunting instinct.

One way or another, ignoring is a passive action, by resorting to which a person consciously renounces his own power and responsibility. Remember that most often this method does not live up to expectations.

You love. But the guy who carried you in his arms just recently stopped sending tender messages every five minutes, calling in the middle of the day to find out how you were doing, and yesterday he was completely late for a date. Your friends convince you that ignoring is the best way to tie the person you like to you.

Before you decide to take such steps, think about what result you need. Do you want attention and “Shakespearean” passions? Or do you need a reliable person you can rely on? Perhaps right now you are eager to prove to everyone that you can rock guys no worse than Irochka, whose fans no one can even count?

Passions “burn out” quickly, often leaving painful traces in the soul, and many fans do not give a feeling of happiness and love. And a person who is confident in his and your feelings will not communicate serious intentions five times a day. He understands that you can talk in the evening, in a calm atmosphere, and in the event of force majeure, you will turn to him, and if you don’t call in tears, then everything is fine. Mutual confidence is an element of a mature relationship.

Dasha drew attention to her new colleague at a seminar organized by the company for employees in one of the Turkish hotels. Having decided to outshine everyone with a beautiful, even tan at the evening banquet, she carefully smeared herself with cream and headed to the beach. When she returned to her room, she discovered that she was covered in spots like a cheetah - the tube turned out to be self-tanner. There was no talk of going to the event.

The next day, a handsome colleague approached her himself and asked why she was not there. He was pretty tired during the evening from the flirting attempts of the entire female part of the team, and singled out Dasha from the crowd only because she didn’t try to attract his attention.

Ignoring a man is necessary when he is too accustomed to female attention. Dasha did not plan this option in advance; in this case, the situation developed naturally and naturally, which only enhanced the effect.

Ignoring will be effective if your man is a hunter by nature.

He will put all his strength into achieving the goal, winning, winning. Then interest fades away, he cares little about the result. This feature can be quickly identified: he spends days and nights at work launching a project, but a week after success he has already started something new. Or, as a child, I devoted a lot of energy and time to clog training, but after winning a city competition, I abruptly quit. As soon as such a man realizes that he has conquered you, his feelings will be replaced by indifference. In this case, you need to strictly follow the chosen tactics, be sure to take pauses. Light flirting with men is quite acceptable - competition is a very powerful incentive for such a person. The main thing is to stay within the bounds of decency - he will not forgive an offended sense of property.

The basic principle of ignore

You already understand that before you use ignore, you need to arouse the man’s interest. Look how children do it - they are born psychologists. A little girl came to the playground where other children were playing. They don’t pay attention to her, then, seeing a big beetle, she says loudly: “I’m afraid!” And that's it, it's done! Half of the boys immediately run to scare her with bugs, the other half protects her. Then she turns around and goes to the swing, the boys throw bugs and start arguing about who will swing her.

Give a man the opportunity to be strong, smart and courageous: ask a colleague to explain a diagram to you, ask for advice on car maintenance, ask to accompany you from a party because it’s late. Ask for help on small things several times, thank them, and be sure to tell them how you liked the result. And then abruptly and without comment, stop these requests, greet politely when you meet, but do not engage in conversation, sweetly apologizing, and agree on a lot of things to do. But keep him confident in your sympathies, smile and look into his eyes. You will see that he himself will begin to look for a reason to attract your attention. Ignore is best used after successful flirting, perhaps even at the beginning of a romantic relationship.

If you hurry, you can scare off a man with your indifference.

Hidden threat

Ignoring tactics can bring great results, but they must be used very carefully. You must understand that this is a type of manipulation. A man will be interested in you, but this does not mean that sympathy and love will automatically appear. Their place can be taken by painful attachment, turning into dependence. A man artificially deprived of freedom of choice can become obsessive, suspicious and even aggressive. In such a situation, both of you will suffer, and there will be no happy ending; the result of the relationship will not bring happiness. Be careful if you are trying to improve an existing relationship by ignoring them. Indifference does not intrigue close people, but hurts them.

You have already figured out in what cases it is worth using such a technique as ignoring a man, you have studied the “pitfalls” and are ready to act.
Be gentle, sweet and polite if you refuse to meet him. Be sure to express your sincere regret that the circumstances have turned out this way.

You can’t refuse constantly - the man will decide that you are not interested in him. It’s better to refuse the meeting several times, and reschedule a couple of times to a time convenient for you. You can agree to a date, but call at the last moment and apologize, citing a change in plans.

It is important that the initiator of the date you agree to is a man. But pay special attention to detail. If you are going for a country walk, take food with you: bake pies or simply cut sandwiches. For a walk around the city, make a rough route and find out a couple of interesting facts about the streets, houses, monuments, or come up with a funny “real life” story that will enliven the conversation. You should not go to the theater or cinema on your first dates - there will be no opportunity to communicate there. An exception may be the option of visiting a cafe or restaurant during the evening. Then you will have one more convenient topic for communication and exchange of impressions. The date you give a man using the ignore tactics should be very bright, memorable and unusual.

On dates during this period, you should not be sarcastic or capricious. A man must see all the positive character traits of the one he has been pursuing for so long.

Using the ignoring strategy correctly, you can get an ideal relationship. Remember that this is a delicate and complex process that will require iron willpower from you. And if you want to attract the attention of a handsome, but timid and shy guy, it’s better to choose a different path.

Finally - an unusual technique

Let's do a thought experiment.

Imagine that you have the superpower to “read” men. It’s like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man and you immediately know everything about him and understand what’s on his mind. You could get any man and have an ideal relationship, and you would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem.

And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you can’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.

We advise you to pay attention to the master class from Nadezhda Mayer. She is a candidate of psychological sciences, and her technique has helped many girls find ideal relationships and feel loved.

If interested, you can sign up for a free webinar. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for visitors to our site.

Annoying and unpleasant people are found in every person's life. In psychology, such individuals are called “toxic”, since they are capable of “poisoning” the lives of those around them with eternal nagging, obsessive attention, complaints and ridiculous jokes. One of the most effective strategies for stopping interaction with such individuals is complete ignorance. The article will talk in detail about how to ignore a person who annoys you.

Before you understand why a person annoys you, you need to understand yourself. Indeed, in most cases, we hate in other people exactly what we do not like in ourselves. So, before you start ignoring someone, try to use their negative traits to your advantage, as an indicator of personal weaknesses. Don't like your work colleague laughing loudly? Watch your behavior when you are among friends; maybe your laughter also causes inconvenience to someone? If this is the case, then try to correct the situation and react less emotionally to jokes.

Set psychological boundaries

If you are faced with the question of how not to notice an annoying person, then first of all clearly define the psychological boundaries between him and yourself. This exercise was developed by psychologists to determine how much one personality influences another. In this case, the influence of a “toxic” individual on your life should be zero. Having established the psychological boundaries of an individual, it is easier to track those who seek to cross them and weed them out by ignoring them. In addition, she will not experience “pangs of conscience.”

Limit access paths

If a person has been annoying you for a long time, try to limit all contacts with him. Don't answer the phone when he calls, don't answer him on social networks, avoid his company. At the same time, you shouldn’t be afraid to seem rude, since a sharp breakup is preferable to a long agony, and your mental health is more important than someone else’s need to cry into their vest.

Mental prostration

Psychologists often encounter questions from married couples about how to live in the same house with a person who annoys you? This is a difficult situation, but there are several ways out of it. The first, and most radical, is a divorce or the option of moving in with friends or parents for a while until the feelings subside. The second, more peaceful one is mental ignoring of everything a person says. You need to learn to “disconnect” from any words and actions of a “toxic” individual, while scrolling through some song or bright picture in your head. This will save your nerves and quickly teach the “irritant” to behave correctly.

Not every person with whom you have to communicate makes you want to maintain this communication with him. And it also happens that any contact with someone we know only brings us pain, disappointment and resentment. Well, some “girlfriend” likes to get on our nerves, and that’s it! And when her nerves can’t stand it, you ask her to remember her conscience - she gets offended, starts being rude at every opportunity, and even spreads gossip about what happened and what didn’t happen!

The hardest thing is to get rid of the annoying advances of a man when he is unpleasant to you, but with his persistence he tries again and again to melt the ice of your hostility. How to ignore a guy in this case? How can you convince a man with your behavior that all his attempts are futile? How can you learn to ignore a guy you like, but he behaves too dismissively with you?

Various situations arise when a person becomes extremely unpleasant to us. We get offended, worry, and receive a new portion of negativity at every meeting. Often we try to somehow influence such a friend of ours, to sort out our relationship with her. But there is nothing more effective in such a situation than to ignore the person with whom communication brings us so many unpleasant emotions.

We haven’t discovered any America now, have we? But think for yourself: how many of us know how to react to insults, gossip and insults correctly? After all, what do most of us do? Each has its own way; but not every one of them allows you to avoid suffering, and some only poison the soul even more. Some people don’t pay attention to the offender and move on with their lives as if nothing had happened, but there are very few of them.

And someone is crying in the corner, experiencing every unfair word addressed to them. Someone withdraws into themselves, becomes very closed and non-contact, someone constantly feels irritated and transfers this irritation to others who are not to blame for anything. These are the most common reactions, and the list could be continued. But all this is wrong behavior. What is the right way, you ask? This is what we would like to teach you!

How to behave correctly?

The most correct thing is to show the unpleasant person that you do not want to communicate with him anymore. That is, just stop noticing all his antics, and himself. And here's how to do it:

Ignoring someone is a big decision, so think about your move and try to understand whether you really want to end your relationship with the offender forever. Don't resort to ignoring someone for a day or a week just to get attention and guilt from the person who offended you.
Before ending a relationship, try to understand the motives behind this person's behavior, to see not only what he did, but also why he could do it. Did you do something that might have triggered this behavior? What if you yourself somehow offended your friend, and she is just trying to defend herself?
Try asking about the reason for this attitude towards you (if you find it possible, of course). Maybe everything is not as bad as you think, and you can resolve the situation peacefully. In any case, you should talk first, try to discuss your problems, and not just throw the person out of your life without any warning.
Be direct. If you fail to improve your relationship, firmly tell your friend that you no longer want to know her. There is no need to get angry, just say your decision while remaining polite. Some people do not immediately understand that such a decision can be deliberate and final, and continue to try to communicate. Be consistent - stop taking calls from them and don't read their messages. Resist attempts to provoke you into responding. Do not argue during meetings if they cannot be avoided (if this is your employee, then do not change jobs because of an intriguer!). If the pestering is very persistent, firmly and clearly say that you want to be left alone - now and forever!
You must understand what the consequences will be. This bore will be angry, because getting a rebuff for your intrigues is not so pleasant. Prepare to withstand the siege. Tell mutual friends and acquaintances that you are going to ignore the offender. If they ask you questions, answer them. Do not try to convince them to take your side; let them form their own opinion about the current situation. Just let them know about the essence of the problem and your position.
Refrain from any type of contact with the person you are ignoring. If it's a man, it will be much easier to ignore him. But if this is a woman, then it will be more complicated! At first she will be angry with you, and then she will intensively look for an opportunity to show how bad you are, since you decided to make an empty place out of her. If you do not pay attention to all her attempts, she will begin to seek sympathy from other people. And the fact that she will talk about you now may even be much more painful and offensive than what caused all the fuss to flare up. What can be done about this? If you have the courage, continue to ignore her. You have already discussed your position with people whose opinion is important to you, and their sympathies will quickly turn towards you if you behave with dignity - unlike that scandalous person who throws mud at you. And if she crosses all boundaries, threaten to hold her accountable for slander and insults. Sometimes it works!
When meeting, do not be tormented by awkwardness, not knowing whether, for the sake of etiquette, you need to greet an unpleasant person. Of course, you shouldn’t demonstratively turn away, but you don’t have to say hello either. And if he turns to you, or you need to tell him something (for example, if it is necessary for work), then keep communication to a minimum as possible. And if you bump into him somewhere on the street or in a store, then you can even pretend that you simply didn’t notice him. You shouldn’t change your walking pace or cross to the other side of the street – it’s stupid, you’ll agree. And it will look like you are afraid of him (or her). Just look through a person, as if you look at people you don’t know. You didn’t see it, and that’s it! And if he wants to tell you something, pretending that nothing happened, say that you are in a hurry and cannot linger.
Remember to limit access to yourself and your personal data on social networks. Adjust your privacy settings and lock your pages so that only close friends and family can see your information and photos.

After you have done all this, you will be able to protect yourself from communicating with a person whom you no longer want to see in your circle of friends. Celebrate freedom and enjoy peace of mind!

How to Ignore a Guy Who Treats You Dismissively

There are also situations when a person does not dislike you, and yet it is quite difficult to communicate with him. For example, this situation: you really like a guy, but his behavior is sometimes quite offensive to you. He seems to say that he has warm feelings for you, but nevertheless he pays too little attention to you, and sometimes he is generally quite dismissive. How to properly ignore a man in such a situation in order to make sure of the sincerity of his feelings towards you?

Don't stay around him when he starts acting this way. You don't deserve to be treated like this! True, you should not distance yourself from him demonstratively: this way you will only provoke the man into conflict. You should just calmly tell him that you don't want to spend all your free time waiting for him to choose a few hours to communicate with you, or that you don't like the way he talks or behaves with you, and therefore today you want to be without him. (just don’t lose sight of the fact that sometimes a man is forced to behave rudely or dismissively with a girl simply by the desire to attract her attention).
In turn, ignore it for two or more days. Don't call him first, don't send SMS messages, don't catch his eye. If he really loves you, he will definitely worry and try to find out where you went and whether everything is okay with you.
When he wants to find out what happened, talk to him calmly, without tears or reproaches. Nothing can push a man away more than female hysterics. Also, don't start sorting things out as soon as he approaches you. If this happened in a fairly crowded place or when you are quite busy (for example, at work or during a break between couples at the institute), then do not give in to temptation and do not start a conversation. The best time and place for such a conversation is when you are alone and in no hurry.
Ask your friends for help. Tell them that you want to stop communicating with your boyfriend for a while. They will help with advice and try to protect you from situations where you may accidentally meet a man whom you are trying to ignore. Only you should trust exactly those friends of yours in whom you are confident, because you want to get support from them, and not spread gossip about you, right?

Be patient, do not rush the man, provoking him into scandals and showdowns. It is much more effective to let him really feel that you are very unhappy with his behavior. But first, try to convey to him how you feel when he behaves inappropriately towards you. Imagine: guys never have any idea how girls feel when they are neglected!

How to Ignore a Guy If You're in Love with Him

Have you fallen in love with a man, but are you afraid that your feelings are unlikely to find a response in his heart? Well, get him out of your head! Believe me, there are guys who are much better than the one you like now. And among them there is probably one who is now secretly sighing, looking at you. Therefore, you can start to ignore this particular man in order to free your heart for true love. Moreover, the situation may turn out to be such that you need to cool your feelings for a guy who is either your friend, or you are simply clearly acquainted.

If he is one of your friends

Don't blame yourself for falling in love with your boyfriend or boyfriend. This can happen to anyone. Just start taking the first steps towards moving away from him a little.
Do not respond to his requests the second he calls you or texts you. For example, you can send a response message only after two to three hours.
Never turn to him first, and if he asks you about something, then answer him in monosyllables.
If he asks you for something, tell him that you are busy. Do not allow yourself to communicate with him for a long time. This will only worsen the current situation.
And best of all, make new friends, preferably of the opposite sex.

If you just know each other

Try not to go anywhere where you might meet a guy you decide to ignore.
Don't smile at him. A smile can reveal your feelings.
Don't ask your friends and acquaintances about him.
Try not to think about the guy at all, since you have decided to ignore him.

What if they ignore you?

Anything happens in life. It may happen that you yourself are guilty of something. What can I say - each of us was in such a situation when someone sulked at us and pretended that we didn’t exist in the world. Brrr, I don’t want to remember! And if this does happen again, what attitude should you choose towards the person who is ignoring you in order to somehow influence his desire not to have anything to do with you?

It all depends on whether you want to correct the situation yourself. If you don't value your relationship with the one who cheated on you, you can do the same and stop noticing him. And if you feel guilty and want to make peace, then it is worth resolving your dispute so as not to aggravate the confrontation. Remember that it is not always wise to continue to hold your ground and insist on your position!

One of the best things to do if you want to avoid hostility is to have direct and open dialogue. If a person is too offended and still keeps his distance, start small - say “Hello!” when you meet, smile. But don’t try to forcefully cross the boundary he has set yet. Show everyone by your behavior that you regret your breakup. You'll see, he will thaw.

Whatever side of the crack that has arisen between you you may be on, remember - by ignoring someone, very often you thereby harm yourself. It's always better to try and find a common language!

Sometimes there are situations when all other tried and tested ways of influencing a man come to an end and it’s time to be ignored. So, what is IGNOR or ignoring? If we consider it within the framework of a relationship, then this is a MANIPULATIVE technique aimed at forcing the other side to bend and make concessions. To put it even more simply, it is intimidation, the threat of breaking a relationship, pressure on feelings of guilt, fear of uselessness, fear of being alone, etc., in order to force a person to do what the manipulator needs.

At the same time, it is important to understand that IGNOR is not only about leaving or intimidation by leaving. This also includes techniques when a person does not pick up/hangs up the phone, does not answer SMS, does not talk to you.

For manipulation to work, to BEND a person, force him to give up his position, make concessions, he needs to react to the manipulation, he needs to be pulled for something. That is, either he must have an attachment to you and a fear of losing the relationship, or an inferiority complex and a feeling of guilt, or a fear of being left alone, not finding anyone better, etc.

There are different types of ignorers. For example - ignore punitive. It is tougher and has its own conditions.

Condition 1

For ignore to work, there must always be a thread or threads that need to be pulled.

Simply put, if you have been married for many years and your wife somehow doesn’t care about you, and she is also financially independent, then she will not care about your ignorance. And if she also has a lover, then she will only be happy. There's simply nothing to scare her. She is not afraid of losing you, you are not valuable to her. Ignoring will only work if you represent some kind of value, if losing you is worse than giving up some of your goodies.

It is also complete stupidity to ignore at the beginning of a relationship, when there is not yet sufficient interest. When the threads that can be pulled have not yet formed. It's like trying to pull a fish when it hasn't taken the bait yet, pulling too early. First, some emotions, some plans about you, some connections must be formed. Then ignoring will work for you. Otherwise, you simply disappear, the person understands that there is a game going on, or he is perplexed and breaks off the beginnings of a relationship that has begun to develop.

Well, it’s obvious that if the threads are weak, then you need to pull them carefully.

Condition No. 2

In order for a person to bend, the thread you are going to pull must be stronger than the principles on which you are going to bend the person.

That is, if you put a person before the choice “me or the cat,” you need to be sure that he will choose you, that your value is higher.

A mistake is made when they try to pull weak threads and blackmail (and if you call a spade a spade, then this is psychological blackmail) a partner by leaving. And suddenly it turns out that it is easier for a person to break up than to make concessions. Then suddenly the one who just wanted to leave begins to frantically return back. And now he has to bend over backwards and ask for forgiveness for his failed blackmail, which only makes the situation worse.

In general, there is a good technique that seducers often use. In order to persuade a person to do something serious, you need to start with the little things, with those things that are easier for him to part with for the sake of a relationship. By giving up their positions little by little, the partner invests more and more each time, and accordingly, the thread that can be pulled becomes stronger, because the value of the relationship grows in proportion to the amount of investment.

Condition No. 3

If you decide to play this game, be prepared to really go all the way. This means that it is advisable to play it from a strong position, when your partner needs the relationship more than you. Because if you need them more, then you will not only get a bummer, but also a punishment for your attempt. As a result, you will fall even lower than where you were before. Because IGNOR can be perceived very differently depending on when and how it is carried out. If you left, showed off and came back, then this makes you a little offended, crap-up child. If you left on principle and stand by your position, then this will be perceived differently (if, of course, your demands are adequate), even if the relationship falls apart.

Condition No. 4

IGNOR must be presented correctly. Depending on the situation, on the context in which you conduct it, a person perceives it as punishment, your rightness and your wrongness, or as a tantrum/hysteria of an offended jealous boy/girl.

That is, if you start leaving, or rather imitating leaving, every time you are offended, then this is exactly the second thing. The partner will get used to this and will perceive it as childish insults.

If you ignore/leave a person after a serious problem, once and harshly, then this will be a strong lesson and will strengthen your dominant position. That is, it would be good to use this technique precisely as a punishment and so that the person understands why.

My personal opinion is that such a harsh technique should generally be used occasionally, when the problem is really serious. And use it to the fullest so that you never want it again in the future.

Ignore playful (flirtany)

They can often use ignore in games closer and further. This is a slightly separate topic. This is a game of uncertainty, not blackmail. This is a different kind of mechanism. That is, the same mechanism works here as in sales, when a person has already been given something to hold/try, and when he is in the mood and wants to buy, they begin to stall for time and increase the price. In this case, due to the fact that a person is ignored after he has received the first portion of attention and interest has appeared, he begins to think, cheat, INVEST psychologically. When people draw magical pictures for themselves, they are thus engaged in self-hypnosis, creating for themselves an ideal image of a partner, and investing a certain amount of energy in it. And its value is growing. This is how a strong desire to receive it appears, LOVE appears.

But in this case, there are also conditions for the correct execution of playful ignoring:

It should be carried out when a person is hooked. For example, after a good time together.
You need to be able to show up on time so that interest does not disappear. That is, you need to maintain interest, feed his hope. The tit is almost in your hands, but at the last moment it will fly away.
It’s better when the official reason for being ignored is not you, but some circumstances. Like “I was busy, had an urgent business trip.”

So, if you still decide to do IGNORE, before doing so, you should run yourself through the above conditions and check whether the circumstances correspond to these conditions and what you generally want to get from these actions. If some conditions do not match, then most likely it will only get worse after being ignored. It’s not bad to be able to look at this ignore through the eyes of another person and imagine his reaction.

Alternatively, you might want to ask yourself the following questions:

Am I valuable enough for a person, will he run to return me and ask for forgiveness?
Am I ready to go all the way? If he doesn't run, am I ready to end the relationship?
Will this be a punishment for a serious puncture or just me being offended for no reason because I don’t have enough attention?
What result do I want? Where should you stop? What should my partner do to make me stop punishing him?

The last point, by the way, is a very important point. There are cases where it is enough just for the partner to apologize and say “I understand the lesson.” After that, I personally say “we’ve passed” and immediately forget. And there are cases where a person must work out his forgiveness quite seriously, invest, ask for it back with tears and show how important this relationship is to him/her. Because if you forgive and return immediately, the result will be zero. Lesson not learned.