What is moral violence? Psychological violence: types, manifestations in the family and relationships with others

Violence does not always cause us physical harm, and physical harm is not always the worst type of violence. Psychological violence leads to psychological trauma, and it leads to undermined self-confidence. As a result, society receives an inferior link, and you (that is, the link) are deprived of a full-fledged social life.

The consequences of psychological violence can be stress, fear, post-traumatic disorder, and maybe physical violence (usually one gives rise to the other). In any case, remember: people who are psychological abusers, in almost 100% of cases, have themselves once suffered from the emotional blows of others. These can be unhealed childhood grievances, teenage complexes that are sensitively guarded and then lead to revenge, violence, bullying, and even disasters. In the biography of every dictator (if you look hard enough), you can find the moment when an absolutely normal person harbored the deepest grudge, promising himself to grow up “powerful and strong” in order to take revenge on those who insulted him.

Types of psychological violence

Emotional abuse always manifests itself in different, individual ways. But if we put all the cases together and draw conclusions, we get the following classification of types of psychological violence:

humiliation - condemned, criticized, ridiculed, teased;
dominance - treat the victim like a child, remind him that such behavior is unacceptable, control spending, remind him of mistakes too often;
they make demands - the victim is addressed not by name, but using nicknames, the rapist blames the victim for his mistakes and failures;
ignoring – using boycott as punishment;
codependency – the victim becomes a “vest”.

The worst type of psychological and emotional abuse is glazing. This term means that doubts are planted in the victim's mind about their own sanity. When an abuser hurts you and you get hurt, he's telling you that you're too sensitive. If a person is told the same thing over and over again, he will really doubt the adequacy of his perception. Main signs of glazing:

Most often, signs of psychological violence are clearly visible in married couples, boss-subordinate relationships, among friends (friend “vest”), and also on a large scale – “authority and people.”

The hardest thing is to cope with psychological violence at home when it comes to someone dear to you. The last thing you need to resort to is, and the most favorable option is to focus in conversation, “showdowns” not on how someone is ruining your life, but on how you (you personally) want to improve your relationship.

The emotional aspect is most often not paid attention to, violence without the use of physical force is not considered violence, it is customary to tolerate it, people are used to enduring it, and it is often considered such a small drawback that can and should be ignored.

In fact, in most cases, nothing destroys your self-confidence and self-esteem more than constant psychological pressure. Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse is not as easy to recognize, even for those involved in the relationship. Psychological violence can be used by both men and women and can occur in any relationship, be it between parent and child, friends or relatives.

As a rule, people who use this type of manipulation were severely traumatized emotionally in childhood, perhaps their families also adopted the same model of relationships or there was physical violence. And they carry all their unspoken anger, pain, fear and powerlessness throughout their entire lives, trying to throw it all out on another person, sometimes without even realizing what they are doing.

Often, even the victim herself does not realize the full scale of the disaster, justifying such behavior with stress or the bad mood of the domestic tyrant. Constant humiliation or intimidation can lead such a person to severe depression, anxiety disorder or stress disorder.

Test yourself, look at these 30 facts and apply them to your relationship: is your partner emotionally abusive towards you?

How can you tell if your partner is an emotional tyrant?

He puts you down, criticizes your actions, and enjoys situations that make you look bad in front of other people.
He ridicules or ignores your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
He regularly ridicules or teases you to make you feel bad about yourself.
He assures you that it is not his remarks that are offensive, but that you are overreacting.
He tries to control you or treats you like a child.
He shames you and reprimands you for your actions.
He insists that you consult him or ask his permission for any decision you make, even if it's just a trip to the store.
It tries to control your finances and how you spend your money.
He humiliates your achievements, achievements and dreams.
He tries to make you feel like you are always wrong about everything.
He looks at you contemptuously or uses contemptuous gestures towards you.
He regularly points out your shortcomings and mistakes.
He blames you for things you didn't do.
He is unable to laugh at himself and reacts painfully if someone laughs at him.
He is intolerant of any behavior that seems disrespectful to him.
He justifies his behavior by trying to blame others and cannot apologize when he is wrong.
He doesn't respect your personal space and ignores your requests.
He blames you for his problems and unhappiness.
He gives you unflattering “assessments” by calling you names and putting you down
He is emotionally distant and closed most of the time.
He takes offense all the time to get what he wants.
He does not sympathize with you and does not show compassion during your difficult time.
He pretends to be a victim and shifts the blame onto you, absolving himself of responsibility.
He ignores you to make you feel guilty.
He doesn't notice that he hurt your feelings.
He does not see you as a person, but considers you a part of himself (or his property).
He uses sex as a way to control you.
He tells other people too personal information about you.
He denies any abusive behavior.
He uses threats all the time to control you.

What should you do if you are being emotionally abused?

For a person who has been subjected to this type of violence, it is sometimes very difficult to recognize the very fact that another person is deliberately hurting him, humiliating his dignity. Therefore, the very first step should be to realize that such behavior within a relationship is not the norm, it cannot be justified by a bad mood, problems at work, character, etc. Something can and should be done about this before it leads to truly tragic consequences: illness, emotional trauma or depression.

As a rule, it is impossible to change an emotional “rapist”; such people derive pleasure and a sense of power from their actions.

If your abuser is not interested in changing and changing his relationship with you, and you are unable to leave the relationship, here are some behaviors you can use to improve your situation:

Take care of yourself and your interests. Stop pushing your desires and needs into the background to please your abuser, even if he pretends to be offended by you.
Set boundaries. Explain to your offender that he can no longer humiliate, yell at, or insult you with impunity. He should know that if he behaves this way, you will not tolerate it (you will leave the room, stop talking, or go to your friends or relatives).
Don't start an argument. If you see that a quarrel is starting, do not support it, do not make excuses, do not prove that you are right. Sometimes it's better to remain silent and walk away.
Understand that you cannot change a person. Even if you really want it, you cannot change your offender. You will only feel saddened by your defeats.
It is not your fault. It may seem to you that you are really to blame for all the troubles. But that's not true. Just understand that it is beneficial for your offender that you think so. By acknowledging this, you will take your first step towards restoring your sense of self-worth.
Find support. Try to spend more time with friends and loved ones, with those who love and appreciate you. Don't dwell on your abuser. This will help you get rid of the constant feeling of loneliness.
Emergency exit. You have to figure out if you want to be in this kind of relationship forever. Do you want your children to grow up in such an atmosphere? If your answer is no, look for an emergency exit. If you cannot end such a relationship right now, consider what conditions are necessary for you to leave. And create them. Even if it takes a long time.

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Daily bickering, bullying, insults and other types of negative treatment sometimes occur in ordinary relationships. However, a repeated pattern of emotionally destructive behavior can develop into relationship with psychological violence. You may be in such a relationship if your partner suppresses you, calls you names, humiliates you, intimidates you, blackmails you, and also if you are afraid to leave him. If you are in an abusive relationship, understand that you cannot change your partner and the best thing to do in this situation is to seek help and end the relationship.

Steps

Coping with the current situation

Look out for signs of psychological abuse. The purpose of psychological abuse is to make you feel worthless and to destroy your independence and self-esteem. Your partner may blackmail or control you and make you feel disconnected from the world. And even if he does not use physical force, he may threaten to use violence.

Know your rights. In an equal relationship, you have the right to be treated with respect. You have the right to change your mind and/or end the relationship if you are no longer happy with it. You have the right to have your own opinion, even if your partner doesn't agree with it. You have the right to receive clear and honest answers to important questions. You have the right to say no if you don't want to have sex.

These are all your rights. Don't let your partner convince you otherwise.

Understand that you cannot change your partner. It is not your responsibility to explain or convince the person that they are hurting you. Aggressors (or abusers, as they are called) do not change in response to your tears, they change by learning to behave mercifully.
- You are not doing your partner any favors by staying in this relationship. You may feel like you are “the only person who understands him” or that he is “really nice once you get to know him,” but don’t minimize the amount of pain he has caused you. There is no heroism in staying close to someone who doesn't respect you.
Don't try to repay him in kind. Abusers are excellent manipulators, and are able to bring you to the boiling point, and then blame you for everything. Do not stoop to retaliatory ridicule, insults or threats. And although it may be difficult to control yourself, remember that it is a trap and you will be the one who suffers the consequences.
- Never respond to physical force, even if provoked. Try to control your emotions by stepping away, taking a couple of deep breaths, or stopping the conversation.
Learn about the long-term risks of abusive relationships. Abusive relationships develop physiological problems such as migraines, arthritis, body aches, as well as psychological diseases such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, alcohol/drug use (or abuse), and sexual health problems such as an increased risk of getting sexually transmitted infections or unwanted pregnancy.
Seek support. Confide in friends or family members and ask for support. Talk about what is happening, ask for help to get out of this situation. Most likely, they will be happy to provide all possible assistance.

We break off relations
1. Know when it's time to say goodbye. Sometimes relationships just aren't right and can't be saved. For your own sake and for the sake of your sanity, try to determine as quickly as possible whether this relationship is worth working on or not. Remember, the likelihood that the abuser will change is extremely low.
  - Don't cling to a relationship just because you're afraid to leave. Remember all the pain this person has caused you and realize that the best thing for you is to cut off this connection. It may be difficult for you to imagine your life without this relationship, but you deserve to be treated with more respect.
  - Don't allow the bullying to continue and don't make excuses for your bully's behavior.
2. Put your safety first. Recognize that abusers rarely change, and the bullying will likely only escalate over time, escalating into physical violence. With this in mind, put your safety first. If you are afraid of abuse, you may respond differently to threats, such as by avoiding the person or not retaliating. While it may be difficult (or even painful) to give up self-defense, before you move on to the next step, remember that your own safety comes first.
  - If you are in immediate danger or fear for your safety or welfare, call the emergency number 112 and immediately run for cover.
  - If your home feels like an unsafe place, go to your sister/brother's house, a friend's house, or somewhere else you feel safe.
  - Put children's safety first. If you have a child or several children, protect them. Send them somewhere safe, such as a friend's house.
3. Always carry your phone with you. You may need to call for help or the police, or you may find yourself in an emergency situation and need to protect yourself. Therefore, always carry your phone with you and monitor its charge level.
  - Enter speed dial numbers you might need in an emergency, including friends, family, or police.
4. Take shelter in a safe place. When planning your escape, think about any possible risks. For example, if you go out with your children, make sure your partner doesn't come after them and harm them. You and your children can even hide in different places if you are worried about both your safety and theirs. Go to a safe place where you will be protected from your partner. This could be a friend's house, a parent's or brother's/sister's apartment, or a special shelter.
  - Always be careful when leaving an abusive relationship, even if the abuse was “only” emotional. For example, you can call the national hotline for women victims of domestic violence 8-800-7000-600 (free, anonymous, confidential) to help you develop a safe escape plan. For additional numbers of help centers for victims of domestic violence, see.
  - Contact a friend or family member who can help you quickly organize your escape: pack your things, watch your children, or provide a reliable rear.
  - Many shelters provide shelter to children and pets.
5. Cut off all contacts. Once you have successfully gotten out of the relationship, do not allow your partner to be in your life under any circumstances. He may try to cajole you, ask for forgiveness, make excuses and promise that everything has changed. Remember that it is almost certain that the behavior will start again, even if the person assures you that it won't happen again. Allow yourself to recover on your own, without a partner.
  - Delete his phone number and cut off any contact with him on social media. You might even want to change your own phone number.
  - Try not to show the person how good your life is without him. Let the healing process take place within you.
6. Take care of yourself. Don't let it get into your head. Remind yourself that the bullying was not your fault. No one deserves even an ounce of abusive treatment, and nothing you do gives that person the right to treat you that way. Find ways to make yourself happy. Keep a journal, go for walks, and do fun activities like hiking or painting.
  - If you would like help or advice on leaving an abusive relationship, you can call the national hotline for women victims of domestic violence at 8-800-7000-600.
  - If you are a man who suffers bullying from a woman, do not be confused by the fact that in most situations the victim is the weaker sex, and the culprit is the stronger. You can still go and get help. Women are also often abusers, but violence is mainly reserved for men. This is fundamentally wrong.
  - If you are a child and can't call someone or get out of this situation, try to breathe deeply to calm yourself and slow your heart rate.

When we hear the word “violence,” we first of all imagine an aggressive person using force against a weaker person. However, violence can manifest itself not only in the form of physical aggression, but also in the form of psychological pressure and coercion. And many psychologists are sure that emotional and verbal violence is much more dangerous for a person than physical violence, since it cripples not the body, but the psyche and. A person who is regularly subjected to psychological violence gradually loses self-confidence and his “I” and begins to live with the desires and attitudes of the aggressor, making efforts to achieve his goals.

Signs and types of psychological violence

Psychological violence, unlike physical violence, is not always obvious, since it can manifest itself not only in the form of screaming, swearing and insults, but also in the form of subtle manipulation of a person’s emotions and feelings. In most cases, the goal of someone who uses psychological violence is to force the victim to change his behavior, opinion, decision and act as the manipulative aggressor wants. However, it should be noted that there is a separate category of people who use psychological violence and pressure in order to mentally break the victim and make him completely dependent on his will. To achieve their goal, aggressors use the following types of psychological violence:

Protection from psychological violence

People who succumb most easily to psychological pressure are those who do not have strong personal boundaries and do not know how to defend their own rights. Therefore, in order to protect yourself from psychological violence, you must first of all define for yourself your rights and responsibilities in each area of life. Next, you need to act according to the situation, depending on what type of psychological violence the aggressor uses.

Confronting those who like to command

When faced with someone who likes to command and give orders, you need to ask yourself two questions: “Am I obligated to follow this person’s orders?” and “What will happen if I don’t do what he asks?” If the answers to these questions are “No” and “Nothing bad for me,” then the self-proclaimed commander needs to be put in his place with something like this: “Why are you telling me what to do? It is not my responsibility to carry out your orders." Further orders and commands should simply be ignored.

Practical example: Employees A and B work in the same office in the same positions. Employee A regularly shifts part of his responsibilities to employee B without providing any counter services in return. In this case, confrontation with the aggressor will look like this:

A: You are just printing something, well, print out my report, and then put it in a folder and take it to the accounting department.

B: Am I working here as your secretary? My job responsibilities do not include printing your documents and delivering them anywhere. I have a lot of work to do, so do your report yourself and don’t distract me from my work, please.

Protection from verbal aggression

The goal is to make the victim embarrassed, upset, stressed, start making excuses, etc. Therefore, the best defense against verbal aggression is not to live up to the expectations of the aggressor and to react completely differently than he expects: to joke, remain indifferent, or feel sorry for the offender. Also an effective way to protect against such psychological violence is the “psychological aikido” method developed by the famous psychologist M. Litvak. The essence of this method is to use depreciation in any conflict situations - smoothing out the conflict by agreeing with all the statements of the aggressor (like a psychiatrist agrees with everything the patient tells him).

Practical example: The husband calls and tries to humiliate his wife every time he is in a bad mood. Protection from psychological violence in this case may be as follows:

M: You don’t know how to do anything at all! You are a disgusting housewife, you can’t even clean the house properly, there’s a feather lying under the sofa over there!

Zh: Yes, I’m so incompetent, it’s so hard for you with me! Surely you can do better cleaning than me, so I will be grateful if next time you help me clean the house.

Confronting being ignored

It is important to remember that deliberate ignoring is always manipulation, so you should not succumb to the pressure of the manipulator and try to appease him so that he changes his anger to mercy. A person who is inclined to constantly be offended and “ignore” in response to any actions that do not suit him needs to be made to understand that playing silent is his right, but he will not achieve anything with his behavior.

Practical example: Two sisters live in the same apartment separately from their parents. The younger sister (M) has been accustomed to manipulating her older sister (S) since childhood. In cases where M doesn’t like something, she begins to deliberately ignore S and triple her boycott. Resistance to psychological pressure in such cases is as follows:

S: In a week I’m leaving on a business trip for two months.

S: This business trip is important for my career. And nothing will happen to you in these two months. You are not a small child - you will find something to entertain yourself with.

M: So that means? Then you are no longer my sister and I won’t talk to you!

Resisting psychological pressure from feelings of duty or guilt

Strong personal boundaries are a reliable defense against pressure from feelings of guilt and duty. Knowing the boundaries of his rights and responsibilities, a person will always be able to determine what is not part of his responsibilities. And if a person notices that his boundaries are being violated, he should directly inform the aggressor about the limits of his responsibilities and duties and make it clear that the manipulation has failed.

Practical example: A single mother (M) is trying to prohibit her adult daughter from leaving to work in another city, putting pressure on her sense of duty. The response in this case could be like this:

M: How can you leave me alone? I raised you, raised you, and now you want to leave? Children should be a support for their parents in old age, and you are abandoning me!

D: I’m not leaving you - I’ll call you, come to visit you and help you with money. Or do you want me to lose the opportunity to get a high-paying job and not be able to fulfill my dreams?

M: What are you saying? Of course, I want the best for you, but I will feel bad without you!

D: Mom, you are an adult, and I believe that you can find many interesting things to do. I promise that I will call you regularly and visit you often.

Stand up to bullying

When you hear from a friend, relative or colleague phrases with the meaning “if you don’t do something, then misfortune will happen in your life” or “if you don’t change your behavior, then I will do something bad for you,” you need to ask yourself a question whether the threat is real. In cases where the intimidation or threats have no basis in reality, the blackmailer can be asked to carry out his threat right now. If your life, health or well-being and you are sure that he can carry out the threat, then it is best to record his words on a voice recorder or video camera and then contact the police.

Practical example: Employee A has not done his part on the project and is trying to intimidate Employee B into doing his job. Here's how you can resist pressure in such cases:

A: Why are you going to leave if the project is not finished yet? If we don't finish today, the boss will fire you. Do you want to be unemployed?

Q: I've done my part. I don't think I'll get fired for not doing your job.

A: The boss doesn’t care who does what. He needs results. So help me if you don't want to get kicked out.

Q: What do you think? Why wait until tomorrow? Let's go to the boss right now and ask him to fire me because I refuse to do your part of the duties.

Many people are aware that psychological abuse is being used against them, but they do not dare fight back for fear of ruining their relationship with someone who likes to command, manipulate, or abuse. In such cases, you need to decide for yourself exactly why such relationships are valuable and whether it is better not to communicate with an aggressive person at all than to regularly endure his insults and act to the detriment of yourself, succumbing to his blackmail and manipulation.