In the modern world, the ability to refuse is valuable, as is the ability to come to the rescue. Having agreed once with what is unpleasant or does not want to be done, a person runs the risk that they will bother him to fulfill this request more than once.
Those who are not ready to make a reciprocal gesture will ask for help without remorse.
It happens that a person, having a reliable comrade nearby, constantly shifts part of his obligations onto him. Not everyone can say “no” culturally and competently. Let's look at the basic phrases that help you politely refuse a person without offending him:
- Frank refusal. The method will be an effective refusal of a request from an annoying acquaintance. You should not look for excuses for not fulfilling a request - this will cause doubts in the person asking.
- Sympathetic refusal. This type is suitable for people who seek a feeling of regret with their requests. It would seem that it is impossible to ignore the situation, but even here there will be an option to delicately reject the request, saying “I’m sorry, but I can’t help.”
- Delayed refusal. The option will be suitable for people who are absolutely unable to say “no”. If for a person refusal is considered a whole drama, we suggest postponing it for a while.
With the answers “I need to consult”, “I will give an answer later, when I return from vacation”, you can beautifully refuse impudent interlocutors.
- Justified refusal. The essence of this method is to announce the real reason. For example, you need to go to the cinema with your child, go to your mother’s dacha, or attend a gala event.
This type is suitable for refusing a meeting, and to be convincing, it is advisable to give 2-3 reasons.
- Diplomatic refusal. The method is suitable for polite, reserved people who offer an alternative in return. Correctly refuse with the phrase “I can’t help, but I have a friend who is dealing with this issue.”
- Compromise refusal. Suitable for people who always help those who ask. By correctly offering a compromise, you can turn the situation in your favor.
If the interlocutor asks to babysit the child all day, answer: “I can babysit the baby, but only from 12 to 5 pm, due to the fact that I already have things planned.”
Know that you cannot refuse everyone. There will always be people who need the help and affection of strangers. Therefore, it is important to distinguish between individuals who really require help from those who simply want to shift their circumstances onto the shoulders of another person.
Options for different situations
Quite often it happens that a person has to do something that he has no desire to do. Situations surround people all the time: colleagues, boss, relatives, children, friends. In such a matter, it is important to show confidence, while remaining in good relationships.
Note! The most common request is for money. Having lent money to a person once, you can expect him to come back with a request again.
Psychologists agree that constant failure is fraught with stress, headaches, and insomnia. The main problem of such people is a decrease in time to satisfy their own needs, as well as the inability to live a personal life and fulfill their dreams.
Applicants appear from everywhere, they cannot be refused or offended, so you have to agree. Let's consider possible situations and their solutions.
| Situation | Solution |
| Colleague asks for help with work | Explain to the intrusive employee that employees at the company have a range of jobs, and doing things of a different nature will result in a loss of time. |
| Refusing a stranger asking to visit | Give reasons for the refusal; if there is no priority in communicating with your new interlocutor, feel free to say a categorical “no” |
| Negative response to relatives | Explain to parents or other family members that your own life has needs |
| Refusal of requests to superiors | Refer to the employment contract if the assigned obligations exceed their due amount |
| In a request for money | Explain the reason for the refusal, and also formulate the correct answer, for example: “I cannot borrow money because I am planning a large expenditure of funds.” |
Saying “no” to an intrusive stranger is easy - in this case, the need to value communication, authority or your position disappears. It’s another thing to give a negative answer to those with whom you don’t want discord in your relationship. When forming your refusal, pay attention to the following undesirable actions:
- Do not look at your interlocutor and speak in incomprehensible phrases. Then the opponent will get the impression that the person is refusing, looking for all sorts of excuses for refusal.
- Apologize constantly. If, after a negative answer, you are tormented by remorse, you should not show this to your interlocutor. This way you will contribute to his conclusions about guilt.
- Talk too much. Such a move may raise the suspicion that a person is being deceived by trying to tell him a lie.
- Operate with a large number of arguments. Maximum - 2 reasons for refusal, otherwise it will seem that other arguments were thought up on the fly.
- Promise too good an alternative. Rid your opponent of false hope. If there is no good alternative in sight, it is better to refuse immediately.
There is always the option of partial refusal - a good way if you don’t want to spoil your relationship with a person. It involves putting forward your own conditions, which the opponent must accept in order to achieve consensus.
Important! Do not promise a person golden options if you cannot fulfill the request - this will worsen your reputation, cause discord in communication, and ruin your authority.
A correct, polite refusal is the key to a long-lasting, calm relationship. Learn to do this correctly and only when you really cannot help the person.
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Many people suffer from the fact that they do not know how to say the word “no”. Despite the fact that it is quite logical from time to time to refuse people help that you cannot provide, many, sacrificing their own interests, come to the rescue of others. Do you think this is right? No matter how it is. Some people shamelessly take advantage of the courtesy of others and live happily off of it. How to refuse a person without offending him?
Boost Your Self-Esteem
A person must be a reasonable egoist. You should always put your own interests above. Of course, if they do not interfere with other people living happily. More often than others, the question “how to refuse a person without offending him” is asked by people with low self-esteem. Strong individuals who know what they want will never sacrifice their own interests to help others. For example, you can only give to the poor if your finances allow it. It is stupid to follow the lead of beggars who, instead of going to work, stand on the street and beg passers-by for money. And this doesn’t just apply to low-income people. Some people simply don’t want to expend their own energy and learn something new. It’s easier for them to find a person who can sit on their neck and live by their mind. Don't fall for mercy. Learn to defend your interests. Selfishness is a good quality. You have one life, and you will not have a second chance to live it happily. Therefore, never make empty promises. Think twice before agreeing to help someone at your own expense. A person who loves himself will not allow anyone to infringe on his interests.
Always prepare a reason
People to whom you refuse something will not be offended by you if you tell them the real reason for the refusal and explain why you cannot fulfill their request. There is no need to come up with false excuses. If you can't help a friend move because you bought a theater ticket, say so. There is no need to make excuses. Just note that you knew nothing about your friend’s move, and bought the tickets a month in advance. In this way, you will be able to maintain friendship, because the person will be able to enter into your position. Don't think that your friend will assume that you are choosing entertainment instead of help. Tickets purchased in advance are proof that you planned your leisure time and, since you had no other offers for that evening, decided to use your free time as you see fit.
How to refuse a person without offending him? In no case do not come up with stupid excuses, such as that your mother or boyfriend is sick. The lie will be easy to verify, and the person you refused for a stupid reason will be offended.
No need to make excuses
Don't want to do what is asked of you? How to refuse a person without offending him? There is no need to make excuses. If you want to stay at home instead of going to a loud party, say so. Every person has the right to their own opinion and to realize their desires. If you don't want to spend time with strangers and want to relax at home, there is nothing wrong with that. Be firm in your intentions and do not try to whitewash yourself. Your decision is your choice, and it cannot be wrong. You shouldn’t lower your eyes to the floor and mumble that you haven’t been home for a long time and at work you have to be in contact with people all the time. It will be stupid and ugly. Say “no” in a firm and confident voice. If you don't want to explain the reason for refusal, don't do it. A simple answer: “No, thank you, I don’t want to” will suffice. No one will insist that you do something you don't enjoy. Especially if you have other plans for the evening. Even if it’s a completely natural desire to lie in the bath or watch your favorite TV series.
Talk about fear and perfectionism
How to properly refuse a person so as not to offend? Many people are afraid to help their friends if they are not sure that they can cope with the task. For example, your friend asked you to replace him at a children's party. You have little experience communicating with children and have no idea how to behave with them. Say that you don’t want to spoil your friend’s reputation because you are completely incompetent in organizing children’s parties. There is no shame in admitting your incompetence. It will be much worse if your fears come true.
When you refuse someone something because you are absolutely sure that you will not cope with the task perfectly, talk about your passion for perfectionism. This recognition will only raise your rating in the eyes of the person asking, not lower it. The desire to do everything perfectly is very commendable. And the ability to soberly assess your abilities will help you avoid awkward situations.
Don't fall for manipulators' tricks
Some people are fluent in the art of manipulation. How to learn to refuse people without offending them? Try not to fall for the tricks of cunning acquaintances. Have you found yourself in a situation where you refused something to a friend, and he, instead of taking it for granted, began to say that he did not expect refusal from such a kind and sympathetic person. After such a remark, any person who has just refused will feel awkward. Always remember that some people will try to manipulate you. Say that you are a truly sympathetic person, but only in cases where you have the opportunity to help the person. If you have neither the desire, nor the energy, nor the time, there is no need to rearrange your schedule because of rude flattery. Being greedy for compliments is bad. Do not allow confusion in your soul because of the words of your interlocutor. If you said “no” once, repeat your answer in the same firm and confident tone in which you gave the first refusal.
Please borrow money
Many people are uncomfortable saying no to requests that involve money. For this reason, many people who earn good money are ridden by all their friends. They borrow money, and then either they don’t pay it back, or they pay it back, but they take too long. How to refuse a person without offending him? Examples of phrases that will help you say a firm “no”:
Refusals to lend are quite natural. If a person really needs money, he can go to the bank and take out a loan. So you shouldn't feel guilty if you can't sponsor your friend.
Refusal to a fan
It is difficult to refuse a person who has warm feelings for you. But it’s even worse to give a person unrealistic hope. If you do not want to mock the person’s feelings, you should immediately say “no”. How to refuse a person without offending him? The rejection phrases that many girls use are terrible. Never say that a guy is kind, good and... simply unworthy of you. Such a refusal implies that the other chosen one is better than your current gentleman. This fact greatly affects male self-esteem. Therefore, tell the person that you do not feel reciprocity, which means nothing can happen between you. Is it possible to be offended by such a phrase? No. How can you be offended that a person does not feel sympathy for you? The gentleman will decide that the lady simply could not appreciate him, and will go looking for someone who will cope with this task.
Examples
How to refuse a person without offending him via SMS? Don't use standard forms or write stupid excuses. A short message should contain a concise answer. It is advisable to keep it within two phrases. In the first, you say that you refuse, and in the second, you specify why. How to refuse a person without offending him? Examples of SMS messages:
- Thanks for the offer, it's tempting. But I can't accept it because I have other plans for this weekend.
- I'm sorry to tell you no, but the last time I did stretching I hurt my leg badly and I have no desire to repeat my bad experience.
- I don’t understand the issue of choosing indoor plants and I won’t be able to go to the greenhouse with you. But I have a friend who can help you.
- I can't help you move because I'm busy this weekend. But I can help you with interior design if you need help in this matter.
Update date: 11/26/2017
The word “no” is slightly longer than the word “yes”. But for some reason we easily say the latter at every step, but refusing someone is an impossible mission for us. Why is it so hard to say the word “no!”? And how exactly to refuse a request in order to remain within the bounds of etiquette and?
Why are we afraid to say no?
The fear of saying “no” can start in childhood. A great influence (unfortunately, not always positive) is exerted on us by the parental example and the moral principles that the family follows.
For example, even in the sandbox, caring and friendly mothers teach to always share their favorite toys with other children. And the kid knows: if he doesn’t share, they will scold and punish him. And so the child, reluctantly, choking on tears, hands the unknown mischievous boy his favorite scoop... and remembers his state of mind for a long time. And he will continue to live, guided by the principle “you must always give and help, even if you don’t want to”; will continue to be constantly afraid of punishment for refusing anything.
From a small sandbox in the yard, a stereotype of behavior and communication with others of an already adult person is laid down. We get used to sharing something dear and very valuable, so that we are loved, not offended, and not called an extremely impolite person. Even if we refuse to fulfill someone’s request, we are afraid of ruining relationships with people, losing the trust of friends, the attention and respect of others...
Many suffer from an “excellent student complex” formed during their school years. Such people always try to live up to someone’s expectations, to please others, to be more “well-mannered” and more polite than everyone else. How can you say “no” and refuse someone?
But by constantly agreeing to do what we don’t want or really can’t, we lose much more. We forget about our interests, we infringe on our own rights to personal space, personal property, time and rest, finally. Regularly doing something against our will, we find ourselves in a situation of wasting strength - both mental and physical; we lose touch with our own “I”; We get stressed, depressed, tired; We find ourselves in time pressure, simply not having time to allocate time for our personal life.
Saying “no”, for some reason, we feel discomfort on a psychological level: it becomes awkward, a feeling of guilt appears.
But it’s more pleasant to answer “yes”: this word will be followed by a stream of gratitude and immense joy from the interlocutor. And at this moment, few people think about how much strength, nerves and health he will have to give for this second happiness of the “petitioner”...
You need to learn to say “no”. Just like learning to thank, apologize, say hello and greet people. Saying the word “no” is not beyond the bounds of etiquette. Moreover, the ability to refuse is a manifestation of our politeness and good manners.
How to learn to refuse politely
The ability to refuse politely and correctly cannot be developed after just 2-3 attempts to mumble “no...”. Ultimately, such a skill should become part of the culture of communication with people, a way to maintain the integrity of one’s interests and personal space.
In every situation where you feel the need to answer “no!” At the request of an annoying interlocutor, completely different refusal tactics will be applied. Their choice should depend on the degree of your relationship with the person, the real possibility/impossibility of providing help, your personal attitude towards the interlocutor, etc. However, there are certain principles and rules of cultural refusal, following which it will be easier for you to protect yourself from attacks on your personal time, energy and - very importantly -.
Before you sharply and irrevocably pronounce your cold “no!”, try to understand the true motives of your interlocutor. After all, any request can be the result of two intentions - a desire to find real help in a hopeless situation or simply a way to manipulate you.
In the first case, it is worth thinking about the reasons for your ardent readiness to quickly refuse a person. Perhaps behind them lies ordinary laziness or immense selfishness? This means that you need to slightly reconsider your principles of life and the form of communication with people. But the situation of the second type requires utmost attention and the use of special rules of communication.
Therefore, you need to take into account important “speech” subtleties:
- If you feel that the current situation still requires immediate refusal, do not delay with a weighty and decisive “no.” Your response to a request should be just that—firm, clear, and confident. The slightest trembling in your voice and your eyes “running” from side to side will betray your doubts and awkwardness to your interlocutor. And this, in turn, will become another opportunity for manipulation.
- When refusing, do not prepare yourself in advance for a negative response and great offense from your interlocutor. Firstly, if you politely frame your “no” with accessible arguments, further pressure on you will be almost impossible. And secondly, if you do hear reproaches addressed to you, they will reflect not your bad manners, but the other person’s lack of culture.
- When saying the word “no,” do not try to put a psychological “block” on yourself and take a defensive position with your arms crossed over your chest. This way you can really offend your interlocutor with inappropriate disdain. But no one is going to attack you!
- Try to pronounce expressions of refusal calmly, in a neutral tone, and do not accompany your words with negative emotions. The interlocutor should not feel the negativity in your voice. And you, in turn, should not kindle sparks of discontent with a person inside.
- Under no circumstances should you shame your interlocutor for trying to ask you for something! Do not accuse a person of lack of independence or, worse, arrogance. After all, he really needs help, not your notations! Make it a rule: if you cannot satisfy a request, at least provide moral support.
- In particular, when trying to support a person, try to speak sincerely, think about and weigh every word. You shouldn’t sprinkle in stereotypical cliché verbal formulas and give “hackneyed” supposedly wise advice. After all, a very real, specific person is coming to you with a request, and not a generalized type of “eternal Russian sufferer”!
- During the conversation, don't be afraid to talk about your feelings. This will help you convey your thoughts correctly, be sincere and frank, avoid tension in future relationships and not get confused in unnecessary explanations. The interlocutor will feel that you are not only listening, but also hearing him. Your truthfulness will show that you really entered into the person's situation and understood him correctly. In response, he will speak just as sincerely and fearlessly look for other options for solving the problem.
- The use of “I-messages” is very effective on a psychological level. For example, “I would like to help, but...”, “I’m really interested in this offer, but...”, “I’m really upset by the current situation, but...”. This way you will show your interest in the life events of your interlocutor. Avoid using phrases with the pronoun “you” (“you” - messages): “YOU are asking me again...”, “YOU always find yourself in such situations...”.
- Also, do not use all sorts of generalizations like “always asking”, “constantly borrowing money...”. There is no need to hint at frequent problems in the life of your interlocutor.
- You can accompany the word “no” with certain appropriate gestures. For example, show with your hand a slight gesture of “repulsion” or rejection. This way, on an emotional level, you will convince the person that you are not going to take on exorbitant obligations.
- During the conversation, do not interrupt the interlocutor, try to listen to him carefully, and show him respect.
By applying these important speech rules, it will be much easier for you to avoid offense, misunderstanding or outbursts of aggression from your interlocutor. But how exactly do you say that difficult word “no”?
Let's try to highlight the main principles of polite refusal:
- The most important thing is to make sure that you do it right, or rather, his request. It may happen that they ask for mere trifles, but it already seems to you that they are encroaching on all your free time.
- In many cases, when you use the word “no,” you are not required to accompany it with comments or explanations. The details of your life should not be shared with other people. However, if you think that some kind of explanation of the refusal is still required (for example, in a situation of communication with a close relative), then provide clear, precise arguments. Don't mumble, try not to lie.
- If you doubt that you cannot help your interlocutor, do not say “no” right away. Try to take a little time to think. Say “I’ll think about it,” “let’s come back to this a little later.” Perhaps during this period of time you will really have the opportunity to help a person.
In principle, such verbal forms can also be used when it is very difficult for you to refuse a person right away, even though you understand that you are unlikely to be able to provide help. But in any case, do not delay in answering, so as not to sow unnecessary hopes for you in your interlocutor.
If you initially know that you cannot help in any way, it is better to say “no” right away. After all, a person may need quick and real help; you shouldn’t make him wait pointlessly.
Sometimes a refusal situation will require arguments. For example, if they ask you to borrow some money, and you were going to spend it on buying a school uniform for your child. Or a friend asks you to babysit her daughter on the weekend, and for you, a day off is the only opportunity to relax and sleep after a hard week of work. Don't be afraid to speak truthfully and sincerely about your feelings and plans. After all, the interlocutor himself may be in your place and should understand and accept your arguments.
A situation may arise when you have the opportunity to fulfill some part of the request. Offer your possible assistance in this regard, but do not take on other impossible work.
Remember to use familiar polite or “softening” words when communicating, such as “thank you,” “please,” “sorry.” Agree, the expression “understand me, please, no” sounds much more pleasant than the dry and monosyllabic “no!”
Try together with your interlocutor to solve his problem, think about other possible options in which you are not obligated to participate. In such a discussion, it is important to be sensitive, thoughtful, and try to find real and effective ways.
Feel free to voice specific rules or principles in your life if they are appropriate in a given situation. For example, “On Saturday I usually go to the village to visit my grandmother” or “I am used to spending Sunday with my family.”
If they are intrusively trying to assign an exorbitant task to you, do not be afraid to hint that you are not entirely competent in some matter and can ruin everything. Or your skills are not so good to fulfill the request efficiently and quickly.
The principles we have listed can be applied to completely different situations. Each of them has varying degrees of effectiveness. However, there are often cases when our modest and polite “no” stubbornly does not want to be heard... How should we behave? How can you refuse an annoying person without violating the norms of etiquette? It's time to use the "heavy artillery"...
Tricks of the cunning
The advice we will offer you does not go beyond the scope of etiquette. They will not violate the norms of decency, will not insult or humiliate your interlocutor. They will only require a developed imagination and greater intelligence from you. As a result, you will present yourself not only as a polite and cultured person, but also as a person with an extraordinary mind.
Sometimes it can be psychologically difficult to pronounce the word “no” or any expression with negative particles “not” or “neither”. Try to formulate your phrase differently, give the refusal a positive connotation. For example: “It would be great to go shopping with you if I weren’t sick.”
Try in your arguments to refer to the point of view of another person familiar to both of you. It should be a kind of obstacle for you when fulfilling the request. For example: “I can’t lend you money because my husband was going to use it to repair the car.”
If you don’t find any arguments for refusal at all, try saying that you could fulfill the request if, for example, you were given more time to do it, you didn’t have to prepare a quarterly report, etc.
Try to clearly and clearly explain the possibility of failure of the case if it is entrusted to you. For example, you are not the best cook, so you won’t undertake to prepare a birthday cake for your second cousin’s birthday. Or you can study weekly with your niece.
When choosing reasons for your “no,” speak in the language of the values that your interlocutor shares. For example, to a girl who likes to visit beauty salons, you can say the following: “I can’t sit with your child now, because I have to be at my hairdresser at 15:00.”
When refusing, try to simultaneously reward your interlocutor with a sincere compliment. For example, you can answer a colleague: “You came up with a very interesting scenario for a corporate party, but it would be awkward for me to be the host.” This way you will significantly soften your refusal.
If the interlocutor is not yet very intrusive in his request, try to change the topic of conversation. However, choose to discuss something that will be interesting to the other person. Distract him from the problem.
Sometimes you can try to redirect the request for help to the interlocutor himself. Ask him: “What would you do if you were asked to borrow the money with which you were going to buy a gift for your daughter?” However, such questions must be asked calmly and friendly, without the slightest hint of irritation.
In some cases, simulating serious activity or employment will play into your hands. If you already have a feeling that you are about to be asked to do something difficult, tell us in advance about your excessive workload at work, your plans to remodel your summer cottage on the weekend, etc.
Try to present the person asking you with a certain choice. For example, tell your boss that you are ready to quickly prepare documents for verification if he releases you from a number of current tasks.
If the interlocutor continues to impose his request on you and does not accept reasonable arguments, try to conduct the conversation with humor, in other words, “laugh it off.” Just use polite and genuinely funny jokes that won't offend people.
Such tricks, which in no way go beyond the bounds of decency, will allow you to painlessly defend your right to rest and... But try to use them in cases where the standard set of rules is not suitable for an overly annoying interlocutor.
To manipulators - our weighty “no!”
Unfortunately, often during a conversation we notice that we are being shamelessly manipulated. And, as a rule, we ourselves provide a reason for such pressure. You really need to be very careful in choosing words and expressions and avoid excessive frankness.
A few tips will protect you from pressure from others, will not give strangers a reason to impose unnecessary obligations on you, and will personally save you from sudden outbursts of anger and aggression:
- Try to avoid overly lengthy and confusing arguments for your refusal. Every hesitant word you say is a good reason for a new stage of manipulation.
- Don't try to redirect your responsibilities to someone else. Firstly, it is simply impolite and ugly: you will put a stranger in exactly the same position that you yourself are trying to avoid. Secondly, even if this person agrees to provide a service, he may do it poorly. And all the reproaches will fly at you, because you recommended him as an assistant!
- If you couldn’t say “no” right away and asked to wait, don’t wait too long to answer. When you refuse after a long silence, the feeling of guilt will “gnaw” at you, and it will not be difficult for the person to force you to do something. Moreover, making people wait for a long period of time is impolite. After all, the interlocutor needs quick help!
- Under no circumstances say phrases like “I’ll help you later”, “Let me do it next time”... After all, the next time may come very soon, and you will have to fulfill what you promised!
- Finally, the main advice. If you feel that the interlocutor is beginning to show aggression towards you, it is better to stop the unpleasant conversation, and then think: is it even worth communicating with a person who does not respect your interests?
Formulas for success: technologies for correct refusal
In addition to the tips we have presented, there are also carefully developed refusal techniques.
- "A broken record." She assumes that you will have to repeat your weighty and firm “no” more than once. Sometimes you need to say this irrevocable word several times so that your interlocutor finally stops bothering you. And sometimes it is enough to say the expressions of refusal just three times. And the magic of the number “3” will help you!
- "Refusal with understanding." It can easily be thought of as a mathematical formula. It consists of two parts, which can be predicted by the name: refusal itself + understanding (regret). We have already spoken quite a lot about refusal; its essence is our notorious word “no”. But with “understanding” it’s more difficult. Literally and figuratively...
The understanding (regret) you offer to your interlocutor should consist of two parts: empathy for the person and expression of your feelings. When empathizing, you must show that you understand the severity of the situation in which the interlocutor finds himself, you sincerely feel sorry for him. But when putting the second part of the formula into practice, try to talk openly about your own feelings; say that you are very sorry that you cannot help at this moment and in this particular situation.
Psychologists also recommend making periodic notes in a notebook, in which you note where, when, why, with whom and in what particular situation you were unable to say “no.” Having made such a note, try to think about why this happened, what your mistake was, and what you could answer to your interlocutor.
Learn to refuse correctly while maintaining your interests. Healthy selfishness and correctly set priorities will help you avoid the “promise trap.”
The secret of how to refuse emails from friends and acquaintances.
Franzen remembers receiving a letter from a friend. Not intimate, but very respected. A friend asked me to help with a project. Deadline? Passed a week ago. She only needed a few hours of time. She was ready to pay.
Franzen sighed, looked at her calendar, and thought about it. The project could only be tackled if we rescheduled something, got up early, went to bed later and, in addition, worked on the weekend. A sad prospect. In addition, Alexandra was not at all inspired by this project, and even the money that her friend offered did not make it attractive. It was better to devote time to interesting tasks. Well, or just spend time with your loved one.
In a word, there was not a single significant reason to answer “yes” to a friend, except for the attitudes of “being nice” and “helping friends.” However, sometimes you have to go against them, Franzen thought, and decided to refuse.
How to say “no” to a friend without ruining the relationship? This has proven to be a challenging task, even for a professional writer and seasoned communications professional. You also need to be able to refuse - and a pre-prepared refusal template will greatly help with this.
Universal scenario:
Hello [name]!
Thank you for your letter.
I'm proud that you ______. I'm glad that you would like to work with me.
I have to say no because ____.
But I would like to help you with [how exactly].
Thanks for _____! I value our friendship.
[a few inspiring words].
[signature]
This is what a real letter might look like:
Hello, Maria!
Thank you for your letter!
I'm proud that you're organizing a conference for internet entrepreneurs. I'm glad that you would like to work with me.
Unfortunately, I have to answer “no”, because this week my mouth is full of troubles - there are so many things to do that there is no end in sight.
But I would really like to help you. You might find the plan for last year’s conference for livestock farmers of the Far North, prepared by my colleague, useful. I am sending the document as an attachment. By the way, she will be happy to answer your questions on VKontakte (her page: vk.com/konfetka1966).
Thank you for your optimism and love of life! You know how much I value our friendship.
Good luck at the event! I can imagine what a difficult job this is.
Write!
Sasha
This script will work if three prerequisites are met.
1. Answer quickly.
You can’t put off answering in the hope that your friend will forget about the letter. He won't forget.
2. Briefly explain the reason for the refusal.
Explaining to friends the reason for refusal is important and correct. But don't get bogged down in details. Nobody needs this. Let's say the above scenario only talks about a busy schedule. If the explanation is honest and concise, friends will understand.
3. Offer something in return
Recently, the head of one trading company asked us a question about what to do with clients who are constantly dissatisfied with the service, “squeeze all the juice” out of client managers, finding fault with every trifle. His question was about what tools and skills sales managers should have in working with such “obnoxious” clients.
And indeed, if you work with clients, then sooner or later you are faced with a situation where the client makes unreasonable claims or simply makes a scandal out of the blue. Or maybe his claims are completely justified, but you still cannot fulfill the client’s requirements and are forced to adhere to the regulations.
We analyzed our experience and the experience of our colleagues in working with difficult clients and prepared this article. In this article, we decided to focus only on those situations in which the client manager has no choice but to politely refuse the client's request. But do it in a way that preserves the relationship with the client.
During a series of specialized training sessions for one bank, together with the training participants, we identified 4 basic principles of “polite refusal”.
Principles of polite but firm refusal
Principle No. 1. If you refuse, give reasons
The wording of the refusal must contain reference to the facts due to which the manager has to refuse the client. The bottom line is that the use of these arguments should leave the impression that nothing depends on either the client or the manager at the moment.
An example from our practice:The training discussed a situation where a corporate bank client was outraged that he had to “unreasonably pay the bank an additional commission for a simple transaction with his bank account.”
The young client manager said something like this: “This is such a commission. I can't do anything about it. You will have to pay."
And, according to the majority of training participants, this line of behavior of the manager was not very convincing for the client.
What would be more convincing in this situation?
Applicable to the above situation, the phrase of a competent client manager could sound like this:
“According to the banking service agreement signed by you and us, these transactions are charged at a rate of 0.1% of the amount. This is a standard amount for banks. This amount was debited from your account based on the agreement.”
Principle No. 2. Avoid negative language from the series: “we can’t”, “we won’t”, “we don’t do”
Even for very loyal and non-conflict clients, such negative formulations are more likely to be “irritants” rather than “calming”.
Moreover, this immediately puts the company that refuses the client in this way in a disadvantageous position for it: either in the position of a “tyrant” who does not want to do anything for the client, or in the position of the weak.
In any case, the client has no choice but to react aggressively, swear and be indignant in order to “break through” the blank wall of misunderstanding.
A more peaceful and reconciling phrase could look like this:
- “We can, but within such and such limits”
- “We can, but under such and such conditions”
- “We can provide for clients. What you are asking for is not included in these services...”
In our practice, the manager can be given additional persuasiveness by referring to one or another compelling reason, which is why he has to refuse the client.
Example: “According to the agreement dated January 25, 2016, under the terms of service, you can carry out transactions on your bank account in the amount with a commission.”
Principle No. 3. Give the client an alternative
In the previous paragraph, we already talked about the fact that when a “blank wall” is erected in front of a client, all he can do is hit it, be indignant, trying to break through this wall.
If the client manager has such an opportunity, we recommend immediately offering the client an alternative path. In this case, the manager should focus the client’s attention not on the refusal itself, but on how, even if not in the most convenient way, this problem can still be solved.
The following options are possible here:
- Make the client understand that there are alternative ways to solve their problem. Even if these options are not very convenient
- “You can order an amount through me and receive it without commission in 3 days”
- “You can withdraw money from an ATM / cash desk, the commission will be less”
- “I understand your frustration. You can write a complaint or wish, and I will make sure that it is considered as soon as possible.”
Principle No. 4. Train the right emotions in your voice
Unlike the three previous principles, here we are not talking about what exactly needs to be said, but with what emotions in the voice the client manager should do it.
- Regret and sympathy. So, if there is too little regret in the voice, then the client may be offended by the lack of due attention to him from the client manager.
- Persistence and firmness. On the contrary, if there is too little firmness, then the client may have the feeling that maybe, if he insists too much on his own, the organization will bend and still agree to the meeting, and the manager will bypass the rules and not refuse to resolve the issue.
A client manager working on the front line with difficult clients simply needs to periodically “refresh” the individual balance settings: persistence (firmness) and empathy (regret).
How to do it? First of all, these things must be rehearsed and practiced: with the help of colleagues, at trainings, with the involvement of friends.
Our goal is to increase the chances, not to guarantee victory
Using all four principles of polite refusal is, of course, no guarantee that the client will accept all of your offers. Also, these tools will not change the current situation - the client will still be dissatisfied with what happened. But something will happen that makes it worth at least trying to use these tools - the manager will achieve his goal faster.
Alexey Leontyev, Andrey Barsukov
Clientbridge