Removed shame. How to get rid of shame? Techniques, techniques, recommendations of psychologists

Since childhood, she knows: mothers should love their children, and if she does not receive this love, it means that someone is to blame for this - most likely, herself. The fact that her mother is cold to her, that the person closest to her ignores her or shouts.

Sometimes the mother directly reinforces this belief: “It’s your fault that I’m angry all the time! It's because you're behaving badly! You're nothing but problems! Why can’t you be like your sister?” Sometimes indirectly, by ignoring or ridiculing her. A mother may justify herself by maintaining discipline, but shaming a child means verbal abuse.

The girl believes in the fake cause and effect that her mother created. She gets used to feelings of guilt for angering and disappointing her mother, and shame because she is bad, useless, unworthy of love; they become the basis for her low self-esteem, and sometimes self-hatred. As an adult, these feelings can continue to torment her, influence her relationships, and control her actions.

For many years I was tormented by the fear that my mother was right about me, that I was worthless and incapable of anything. At 27, I got to the point where I had difficulty getting up in the morning and finally saw a therapist. Only this helped me realize that I was not to blame for anything.

Shame, guilt and awareness of one's own wounds

One day the girl or woman begins to realize how this attitude has affected her. The realization occurs due to persistent relationship failures, chronic dissatisfaction with life, self-destructive behavior, or someone around her brings to her attention how unhealthy her relationship with her mother is.

Having understood the problem, she begins to take the first steps towards healing, builds boundaries, tries to distance herself from her mother, and then there are people who begin to suggest that she owes an unpaid debt to her mother for giving birth to and raising her. Guilt and shame make you doubt yourself, your decisions, and your perception of reality. Yes, she no longer lives in her parents’ house, but mentally she continues to remain in the nursery, anxiously awaiting inevitable troubles.

Only by realizing that feelings of guilt and shame stand in the way of change can you move forward. This is difficult: many of us prefer to leave things as they are to avoid confrontation, especially when we have to go against accepted cultural norms and break taboos. But this is the battle that any unloved daughter will have to go through on the path to healing. Here is a program that will help you cope with feelings of guilt and shame.

1. Remember: you are not alone.

2. Understand the power of the mother

Many people still believe the myth about the maternal instinct, thanks to which all mothers supposedly love their children. It is difficult for them to admit what colossal, almost absolute, power the mother has over the child, and any power provides opportunities for abuse. It's unpleasant to realize, but it's true.

3. View guilt and shame as tools of manipulation.

What does your mother do to cause these feelings in you? Maybe she constantly reminds you how much you owe her and how ungrateful you are? Or starts every sentence with the words “You always...”, listing your shortcomings? This is nothing more than an attempt, and most likely a very successful one, to manipulate you.

4. Notice your reactions

How do you usually react when someone tries to control you through feelings of guilt and shame? Do you automatically switch to a conciliatory tone? Do you quickly give up and run for your life? Or is guilt and shame drowning out all other emotions and thoughts, and you don’t even notice it? Once you become aware of your reactions, you will gradually learn to respond more productively, taking into account your own desires and needs.

Shame is one of the most harmful and destructive emotions a person can experience. It occurs when people are disappointed with their behavior, comparing it with their own or social norms. Feelings of shame provoke self-destruction and risky behavior, use of alcohol and drugs, and can also lead to long-term physical and emotional problems, including pain, depression, low self-esteem and anxiety. It is important to understand that you can avoid such problems entirely by making a serious effort to overcome shame and learn to value yourself and your own achievements. You are much more than an action once taken, a word spoken, or an emotion that arises.

Steps

Part 1

Get rid of shame

Stop striving for perfection. Trying to live up to perfection in any area of life creates unrealistic expectations, low self-esteem, and feelings of shame when we fall short. The idea of perfection is a social construct created by society and the media that we will be perfect people if we look, act and think a certain way, but it has little to do with reality.

Down with the constant repetition of the past. Constantly thinking about negative feelings can cause excessive feelings of shame and self-hatred. According to research, constantly thinking about your own feelings of shame causes depression, social anxiety and even increases blood pressure.

Show yourself compassion. When the danger of flashback arises, begin to practice self-compassion and kindness. Become your own friend. Instead of scolding and berating yourself (“I’m a stupid and worthless person”), try treating yourself the way a friend or loved one would. To do this, you need to monitor your behavior and understand that you would not allow your friend to allow such destructive thoughts for him. Self-compassion has many benefits, including mental health, increased life satisfaction, and decreased self-criticism.

Think less about the past. For many people, shame paralyzes them in the present moment; they become restless, fearful, depressed and extremely critical of themselves. It is very important that the past remains the past; it cannot be changed or turned back, but you can change the influence of the past on the future. Be able to overcome your shame and live a vibrant life.

Change and transformation are always possible. This is one of the main advantages of human nature. You don't have to hold on to the past your whole life.
Life is a long journey, and you can always recover from a difficult period.

Be flexible. Stop reacting to your experiences from an all-or-nothing perspective. This line of thinking widens the gap between our expectations and real possibilities. Stop perceiving life in black and white, when it is often grey. There are no true “rules” of life; all people think and behave differently, creating their own variations of such “rules”.

Don't be influenced by others. If you have negative thoughts, they may be caused by people around you, even close friends and family. To overcome shame and move on with your life, you should minimize the number of people who “poison” your thoughts.
- Try to perceive negative statements as weights weighing 10 kilograms. They put pressure on you and it’s hard for you to straighten your back. Free yourself from such burdens and remember that people do not define your personality. Only you can decide who you really are.
Develop awareness. Self-awareness therapy has been shown to make it easier to accept yourself and reduce feelings of shame. Mindfulness is a special method that invites you to learn to observe your emotions without escalating the situation. In other words, you learn to coolly analyze your experiences without suppressing them.

Learn acceptance. It is important to accept what you cannot change. You are you, that’s how it should be. A number of studies show that acceptance helps people move beyond the cycle of shame and begin to live fulfilling lives.

Part 2
Increase your self-esteem
1. Focus on the positive. Instead of wasting time feeling shame for not living up to made-up standards, focus on your successes and accomplishments. You will understand that you have something to be proud of, and your contribution to this world is no worse than that of other people.
  
  Lend a helping hand to others. It has long been known that those who help others and volunteer have higher self-esteem than others. It may seem counterintuitive that helping others makes us feel better, but science suggests that connecting with others increases our positive perception of ourselves.
2. Daily positive judgments. Positive statements are meant to boost your self-confidence and encourage you. Such actions have a positive impact on self-esteem and also increase self-compassion. After all, you don't blame your friends the same way you blame yourself; you show empathy when they feel guilt or shame. Treat yourself the same way, be kinder. Take a moment each day to say out loud, write down, or think about positive thoughts. Here are some examples:
  - “I am a good person and deserve better, even if I have done questionable things in the past.”
  - “I make mistakes and learn from them.”
  - “I have a lot to give to the world, benefit myself and others.”
3. Distinguish opinions from facts. Many of us have a hard time separating opinions from facts. A fact is an immutable truth, while an opinion is your thoughts based on some facts, but they are not facts.
  - For example, “I am 17 years old” is a fact. You were born 17 years ago, this is indicated in the metric. No one will argue with this. But “I'm stupid for my age” is an opinion, even if you can find evidence for it, such as not being able to drive or not having a job. However, if you think about this opinion more carefully, you can see it in a critical light. Perhaps you don’t know how to drive because your parents have to work a lot and simply don’t have time to teach you or don’t have the opportunity to send you to courses. Not having a job could be because you're looking after younger siblings after school.
  - Taking a more sober look at existing opinions helps you understand that paying close attention to the details can change your attitude.
4. Appreciate your uniqueness. By comparing yourself to others, you deceive yourself in assessing your own individuality. Remember that you are a unique individual with much to give to the world. Leave the shame behind and shine the way you can and should.
  - Focus on your individuality and the things that make you you, rather than hiding behind the veil of social conformity. Perhaps you like to combine incongruous clothes or listen to European pop music and know how to make all sorts of crafts. Discover these sides of your personality, don't hide them in the shadows; you will be surprised (and delighted!) at what new facets you can discover if you hone your skills and thoughts. Alan Turing, Steve Jobs and Thomas Edison were all individuals whose uniqueness helped them achieve unique discoveries and achievements.
  - Nowhere does it say that you HAVE to look like everyone else, have the same hobbies, or live the same lifestyle. So, no one is obliged to follow fashion in clothing or music, or have a family and children by the age of 30. This is promoted by society and the media, but is not the ultimate truth. Do what you like best and what makes you happy. Remember that you should only please yourself. You can’t escape yourself, so listen to your inner rhythm, not someone else’s.

Shame is a kind of self-punishment, a feeling that we experience in some situations, thanks to the stereotypes of behavior laid down in us. The feeling of shame is supported by the morals we have absorbed through our parenting, reading books, watching films, etc. how to get rid of shame? And is it worth it? What kind of shame do you mean specifically?

Is it possible to get rid of the feeling of shame?

Shame really comes in different forms. Shame, which is born of an unseemly act, is a useful feeling that allows us to determine what is “good” and what is “bad”, based on that very morality.

Recognizing and making amends for your guilt will help you get rid of such shame. And sometimes there is a feeling of shame that appears as a result of complexes; it is difficult to fight such a feeling, but it is necessary.

What is shame

Shame is an emotion that appears in a person as a consequence of his awareness of the inconsistency of his appearance, behavior and actions with the norms and values accepted in a particular society. The influence of this emotion on the person himself directly depends on the degree of its expression.

So, for example, if weakly expressed shame can prevent the negative consequences of actions that a person might commit, then strongly expressed shame can lead to him making rash decisions, for example, the decision to commit suicide.

The pronounced emotion of shame entails extremely negative consequences, so it is not surprising that many begin to think about how to get around it. So, can you still get rid of the feeling of shame and in general, is it possible to do this? Most psychologists say it is possible. You just need to follow a few simple recommendations.

How to get rid of shame - depends on the circumstances

· If shame is self-punishment for a bad deed, then you should apologize and try to make amends. Through the experience of guilt, you will understand that you did wrong and you do not want to be treated that way. And an apology will help restore the shaky balance of the relationship.

· The next step is to forgive yourself. This is more difficult than forgiving your offender, but coping with it is necessary to overcome the feeling of shame. After all, you have already learned lessons from what you did; there is no point in tormenting yourself all your life.

· To get rid of the feeling of shame, it is important to fight shyness caused by inferior appearance, disability, poverty and other things from which no one is immune and has equal rights to happiness and a full life. Do auto-training, seek support from a psychologist, love yourself for who you are and know that your self-confidence can work wonders.

· There is another way to deal with such shame. For example, obese people can take care of themselves, go on a diet, join a gym; people with defects in appearance can seek help from plastic surgeons; For people with disabilities, there are various clubs and sections where you can realize yourself, despite the limitations.

Shame, like other emotions, is undoubtedly necessary for a person to maintain harmony and balance within himself. But tormenting yourself with insufficient beauty of appearance, poverty and even limited opportunities is a waste of time.

To get rid of shame, spend your energy on becoming successful at what you like and gaining self-confidence. And your flaws and defects will become the distinctive features by which you will be recognized when you gain popularity.

Advice from psychologists on how to get rid of feelings of shame

Recognize your right to be exactly who you are. The stupidest mistake most people make is that they try to be ideal within the framework of their own understanding, forgetting that other people have their own ideals. Striving for an imaginary image of an ideal person, you only waste your vitality and nerves, accumulate dissatisfaction with yourself and generate a feeling of shame. To avoid all these consequences, you should love yourself exactly as you are today.

Accept all the shortcomings of the people around you. By judging someone, you risk getting into a situation in which you will be judged. And other people’s assessments significantly affect self-esteem and can give rise to the same feeling of shame.

Avoid unnecessary comparisons. In this context, we mean comparing one's own behavior with one's personal expectations or the expectations of other people. By giving up comparisons and protecting yourself from worries about the discrepancy between the values of indicators “should be” and “is in reality,” you will find harmony with yourself and stop feeling shame.

Try to identify a specific reason for the shame you are experiencing. Assess how adequate it is, and if you really have something to be ashamed of, try to correct all the mistakes and mistakes you have made as soon as possible. Look at the problem from the outside, discarding all negative emotions. To get rid of shame, form a clear, objective opinion about the crisis situation, and then mentally create a plan to overcome it.

If you are haunted by thoughts that your shame is unfounded, think again about the event that gave rise to it. Perhaps it is not you, but another person who is really to blame for what happened. Don't take responsibility for other people's misdeeds.

If you feel that you don’t know how to get rid of shame on your own, do not hesitate to seek help from a loved one whom you can completely trust. Don’t keep all your feelings to yourself, speak out, express your point of view regarding what happened. An outsider will not only help you with advice on how to get out of a problematic situation, but will also probably give several arguments in your favor. Be sure to listen to them, they will calm you down and give you strength.

Do not try to get away from the problem that has arisen, make every effort to resolve it. It is likely that to do this you will have to face the situation that gave rise to shame again, face to face. If you want to get rid of the feeling of shame, do not be afraid of it: only in this way can you strengthen your will, fully understand your feelings and thoughts and get rid of shame.

Most often, the cause of shame is a trivial event that is not worthy of attention. If something like this happens to you from time to time, then remember every time that life is beautiful, and such little things under no circumstances should and cannot darken it.

5 main ways to get rid of shame

Shame is an extremely unpleasant but familiar emotion. Shame arises unexpectedly in a variety of situations, and also has a huge number of manifestations and shades. In this article you will find some basic tips on how to cope with shame.

Our society often uses shame as one of its educational levers. Almost every person in his childhood came across the phrase “Aren’t you ashamed?!”, which was usually followed by: “What will people think of you?” This is where the emotion of shame originates.

It is not difficult to notice that behind shame quite often there is fear: the fear of appearing unattractive, of becoming rejected, in general, of being expelled from society.

Shame can be very strong and not too strong; as a rule, its degree depends on a certain situation and on the character traits of the person being shamed. In other words, the more dependent a person is on the opinions of others, the stronger his experience of shame will be, and the more he will try to avoid “shameful” situations. There is always a reason to be ashamed, so such people become timid and withdrawn.

Shame, as a rule, is an extremely harmful emotion, preventing the development of creative individuality, shackling a person’s personality within the framework of conventions. For this reason, you can use a few general tips on how to get rid of feelings of shame.

It is necessary to determine the causes of shame. It will not go away on its own until you can understand why you are ashamed. To get rid of feelings of shame, try to break down a complex problem into smaller ones to make it easier to deal with them.

Try to find the person responsible. It is possible that your shame is unfounded. If you want to get rid of the feeling of shame, you shouldn’t take on everything at once. Perhaps there is a person who is really to blame, find him and free yourself from the burden.

Abstract yourself. You need to try to look at this problem from the outside, while sweeping aside any negative emotions. Try to form an objective and clear picture of the situation, and then make a plan to overcome the crisis.

Ask for help. If you cannot solve the problem on your own, ask a close, trustworthy person for help. To get rid of the feeling of shame, do not keep your emotions to yourself, try to speak out. There will definitely be some arguments that justify you, it’s worth listening to them.

Overcome shame. Don't try to run away from the problem, it's better to face it directly again. This will help you in the fight and strengthen your will. It is possible that later the same situation will not cause you such strong feelings.

Remember that life is beautiful and many little things are simply not worth your attention. If you cannot get rid of the feeling of shame on your own, it makes sense to consult a psychologist.

Deep down, do you feel worthless or unworthy of love? Do you want to hide? Do you think that if other people see who you really are, they will reject you?

Shame is a person’s deep and lasting belief in the inferiority of his personality. Shame can manifest itself as an internal feeling of not being good enough (no matter how hard we try), not lovable, not deserving, and not worthy of love.

Shame can be well disguised. People with seemingly high self-esteem may also be susceptible to shame.

Shame is a message that we absorbed into ourselves as children. Family environments where we have been controlled and punished, ignored or abandoned, where we have been verbally, physically, emotionally or sexually abused or experienced trauma can all lead to deep feelings of shame.

Children, like sponges, absorb everything their parents tell them. The child, as such, is not able to understand the meaning of the events taking place and how to relate to them. Usually, they grow up feeling and believing that they are bad.

If we grow up with a deep sense of shame, we find that it significantly disrupts our lives. It affects our personality (our sense of who we are), our intimacy with others, and our self-esteem. Shame can affect self-esteem in many different ways - we can feel better or worse than others.

Origin of Shame

Shame, which has various forms of origin and manifestation, is directed at the child in countless verbal and non-verbal ways. This “lesson” of shame is learned forever if the messages are repeated and there is no opportunity to talk about the experience.

Periodic rejection (emotional or physical) is a powerful teacher. Examples of ways in which shame is cultivated in children include the following:

When a parent points out that the child was not wanted, even as a joke.

When a child is publicly humiliated.

When judgment is directed at the child as a whole, and not at specific behavior.

When a child, in order to be accepted, is forced to hide aspects of his real personality, for example: his needs, joys, sorrows, fears, mistakes, successes.

When a child's emotional or physical boundaries are violated, for example in cases of overt or covert abuse.

When children are deprived of personal space, for example, if parents check their personal belongings or read diaries.

When such important events for a child as birthdays or gifts are treated with indifference.

When a child feels that a parent or family member is somehow inferior to other adult figures in his or her world. For example, when a family member is an alcoholic or has a physical or mental disability and this difference is never discussed or the child is unable to express his feelings about this difference.

When trust in significant adults is undermined or destroyed as a result of failure or neglect.

When a child grows up in a family where adults themselves are ashamed and feel helpless in this world.

When a child is made to feel inferior, worthless, unattractive, or unwanted in the world or society in general, for example because of learning difficulties or inappropriate clothing compared to peers.

When the child is constantly judged for the actions or emotional state of the parent, or the child simply cannot live up to the unrealistic expectations of his parent.

When parents use silence as punishment. In this case, children feel completely bad and think that it is impossible to restore the relationship.

Consequences of shame

Although shame begins in childhood, it can occur again and again throughout adulthood. Shame can cause a person to:

complete lack of self-respect

high level of self-criticism

Frequent outbursts of anger and criticism of others

difficulty establishing and maintaining close relationships, resulting in superficial relationships

isolation and loneliness

depression

Constantly blaming others and pointing out their mistakes or shortcomings

perfectionism as a way to avoid shame in the future

self-flagellation and self-destruction

numbness or "lostness"

How psychotherapy helps you get rid of shame

Shame is not an innate feature of our true personality - it is an acquired opinion about ourselves. This erroneous belief underlies the formation of the false self. The more unacknowledged shame we have, the stronger it becomes.

If the problem of shame is not addressed, then it will begin to control our lives. To cope with this problem, you must first understand its essence. To do this, we need a psychologically safe place where we feel secure enough to face our most painful feelings and perhaps understand where they come from.

Healing from shame is possible only by coming to a deep understanding that the true nature of our personality has nothing to do with our assumed but erroneous opinion about ourselves.

As we work with a psychologist to challenge the distorted beliefs we have believed throughout our lives, to heal the wounds of our inner child, to address our needs, to uncover lost parts of our self, the core of our shame weakens and becomes smaller.

Defining shame and understanding the process of its formation in ourselves gives us the opportunity to control this feeling. For example: what or who caused my shame? How do I experience a “shame attack”? Do I take my anger or anger out on others or go crazy with painful self-criticism? What helps me get through the shame and feel like everything is okay again? What reduces my tendency to feel shame?

For most people who grew up in adverse and difficult circumstances, reducing the impact of shame on a person is a long-term and possibly ongoing process.

Psychotherapy is perhaps the only place in life where this kind of research is possible. A trained therapist can provide the objectivity and support needed to turn our negative self-images around and reappraise the experiences that have led us to believe we are unworthy of love.

People who were abused, abused, or otherwise harassed as young adults, or those who experience painful events as adults, such as job loss or adultery, may experience deep feelings of shame and blame themselves for what happened.

Consulting with a therapist, in a safe and secure environment, can help you question your feelings of shame and ultimately overcome them.

You will be able to really get to the bottom of the truth, understand what really happened and see your role in all of this.

My work experience shows that, in most cases, the client's role is completely disproportionate to the feeling of shame that engulfs them. They usually feel more shame than they need to. This shows how much shame can consume a person's personality and affect their self-belief. You may also begin to understand the extent to which shame is currently controlling you.

Through your experience of working with a psychologist to whom you open up without being rejected, it becomes possible for you to free yourself from feelings of shame.

By shining a light on what seems dark and dirty in a safe, nonjudgmental environment, we can break down the foundation of shame and set you free.

Dealing with shame with the help of a therapist takes courage. However, huge rewards await you.

As a result of examining our most painful beliefs and feelings, we may realize that the truth about us is very different from what we originally believed. We learn that we are not bad. We learn that we are, in fact, desirable and even attractive people.

Tags: Psychotherapy , Self-doubt , Shame ,

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Shame is a feeling inherent in a reflective personality. When a person puts himself in the shoes of others, tries his actions on those around him, he foresees their consequences, including negative ones. This is when shame and guilt can arise.

These feelings help to correct behavior, but sometimes a person begins to feel shame about literally everything. All his actions, unexpected words or actions that may cause inconvenience to those around him are perceived by him too emotionally. Then his behavior becomes pleasing, he constantly thinks about not hurting the feelings of others, forgetting about himself.

Where does the feeling of shame come from?

A constant feeling of guilt and shame, which prevents one from revealing one’s personality and showing one’s talents, leads to the fact that a person begins to consider himself worthless. And in communication with other people feels embarrassed and very confused.

The origins of pathological shame, as the experience of numerous psychotherapists shows, lie in deep childhood and adolescence, when the formation of personality is just beginning and many factors can influence it.

It is then that the most important people for a little person - parents and educators - tell him that he is “bad.” It is not the child’s actions that are assessed, but his personality. Therefore, as a child grows up, he tries to become “good” for others, forgetting about himself.

As a result, a person begins to suppress his Ego, he endures grievances and experiences discomfort. But the integrity of the individual suffers, and the person begins to fall under the influence of his environment.

You can cope with such a global feeling of shame with the help of psychotherapy, and in milder cases it is recommended to follow the advice of psychologists.

To understand how to get rid of shame, you need to understand its origins. If the shame is due to the fact that a person offended someone or did something wrong, then solving the problem is simple. You need to correct your behavior or apologize to your interlocutor.

To identify the sources of shame and work to get rid of it, you need to follow these tips:

You need to understand what exactly causes shame, for which it is recommended to carefully monitor your own behavior for several days. In the process of observation, you need to determine the moment when this negative feeling manifests itself;
Although the reason for shame may be different, the perception of the situation is the same for all people. A person imagines himself small and defenseless, which indicates the roots of the problem in childhood. After realizing this moment, you can begin to directly fight shame;

You need to realize that childhood is left behind. Now the person has entered into a relationship of equal adults. Therefore, in such a relationship, no one should punish anyone. A person gains the right to make mistakes;
After realizing equality with the people around you, you need to clearly define that they have their own principles, which may differ from their own norms. If you do not realize your own principles, you can constantly be afraid of making mistakes and feel ashamed, adapting to the demands made by the people around you, which is not entirely true;
Now comes the time to fully realize your own adulthood. You need to separate your personality, principles and ideas from what was once imposed by parents and teachers. Awareness of the individual, his value, will help to evaluate familiar situations differently, without being tormented by an unnecessary feeling of shame.

Method for getting rid of shame

An effective way to cope with the overwhelming feeling of shame can be to remember those moments and situations when such situations and actions did not cause a negative emotional response;
Now you need to pay attention to how memories differ from a real “shameful” situation. Most often, when concentrating on the situation itself and the need to correct it, feelings of shame do not arise. It develops then when a person tries to evaluate how he looks in the eyes of other people. This experience must be used in new situations;
You need to get a support group. They will be friends, relatives and family. You can discuss with him everything that torments you - guilt, shame and other emotions. For other people, you can also become the kind of person to whom you can tell about strong experiences and feelings.