We learn to calmly accept comments. How to make a businesslike, non-offensive remark correctly

The least serious type of disciplinary sanction under the Labor Code of the Russian Federation is a reprimand - however, not all employees or managers know what exactly such an event entails. It should be remembered that in addition to the consequences of a remark at work that are important for the employee, this type of penalty also has many procedural requirements in relation to the execution of this procedure.

Remark as a disciplinary sanction under the Labor Code of the Russian Federation

In the Russian Federation, most aspects of labor relations are legally regulated by the provisions of the Labor Code. The application to which the remark relates is no exception, and the overwhelming number of legal mechanisms related to the remark are set out precisely in the provisions of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation.

Some standards consider remark only indirectly, but it will be useful for employers and employees themselves to familiarize themselves with them in any case, since they are directly related to the possible consequences of the remark for the employee and the employer. According to the Labor Code of the Russian Federation, a remark and its consequences may be associated with the provisions of the following articles of the code:

Article 66 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation. This article in its regulations regulates the rules for filling out an employee’s work book and maintaining this document. Moreover, in the context of applying disciplinary sanctions, which include a remark, the provisions of this article directly prohibit employers or personnel from entering this information into the work record book.
Article 81 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation. The standards set out in it address one of the possible consequences of a remark in the form of dismissal at the initiative of the employer. Thus, an employee can be dismissed for any disciplinary offense, if at the time of the commission of the offense the employee had an outstanding penalty - including a simple reprimand.
Article 189 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation. The provisions of this article discuss general standards for organizing labor discipline within a business entity. In particular, it is to labor discipline that the legislation refers both to mechanisms for rewarding employees and for punishing them at work.
Article 192 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation. In matters of applying disciplinary sanctions in the process of carrying out labor activities, it is this article that is fundamental. In particular, its standards establish a list of acceptable disciplinary sanctions, which, in addition to the reprimand itself, also includes reprimand or dismissal of the employee.
Article 193 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation. The legal principles of this article establish the general procedure in accordance with which disciplinary sanctions are applied in practice. Following this procedure is necessary for the employer even if he makes a remark to the employee that is considered as a disciplinary sanction. Violation of the principles set out in this article may lead to the recognition of the penalty as unlawful and to the cancellation of any legal consequences of the remark for the employee.
Article 194 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation. This article regulates the procedure for canceling comments or removing other disciplinary sanctions from an employee. It should be remembered that the removal of a disciplinary sanction can be carried out in various ways.

It is necessary to distinguish between a reprimand, as a method of influencing employees, and a reprimand, as an official disciplinary sanction, which has appropriate legal regulation and legal consequences.

From a legal point of view, a reprimand as a disciplinary sanction is the mildest impact on an employee. Despite this, it is actually no different from a reprimand at work - it is considered milder only because it comes earlier in the list of acceptable disciplinary sanctions than reprimand and dismissal.

How to impose a disciplinary sanction in the form of a reprimand to an employee at work

Employers who use reprimands or other mechanisms for holding them accountable in their activities to influence erring employees should be aware that this measure of influence can be used only in accordance with the requirements of the law. If all necessary procedural procedures are not followed, the remark may ultimately be challenged by the employee, which will entail a wide range of problems for the employer, which may include:

To avoid the above-mentioned negative consequences of a remark made without complying with legal requirements, it is better for the employer to use fairly simple step-by-step instructions for using comments as a disciplinary measure against workers. So, the procedure for making a comment should look like this in general cases:

Obtaining actual confirmation of the misconduct. An employer can initiate the process of issuing a reprimand, like any other penalty, only based on confirmed information about the employee’s misconduct. An example of such information could be a report from another employee or manager, a client complaint, recording of working hours and telephone conversations, data on arrival or departure from work based on a time sheet or other evidence.
Referring to this information, the employer needs to demand from the offending employee an explanation of his behavior - it may turn out, for example, that being late for work was due to a good reason and the employee has documents confirming this. If the employer does not demand an explanation from the employee, then this will be regarded as a clear violation of the procedure for issuing a reprimand, which means that such a penalty itself will be unlawful. Accordingly, the manager or employer must prepare a documentary basis for the fact of requesting explanations from the employee - sending him a letter with a notification of receipt and an inventory of investments or informing the employee under the appropriate act in the presence and signatures of two witnesses.
Within two days from the moment of requesting explanations from the employee, he must provide them to the employer in writing. Moreover, if explanations were not provided and regardless of the fact of the explanation provided, if the reasons for the misconduct were not valid, the employer may decide to impose a disciplinary sanction on the employee in the form of a reprimand or other impact.
Based on information about the disciplinary offense, the employer or the person responsible for issuing penalties issues an order to reprimand the employee. At the same time, the worker who has committed an offense must be familiarized with the order within three days from the moment of its registration. However, this period only includes days when the employee is present at the workplace - otherwise its duration is suspended. In order to avoid challenging a disciplinary sanction, the employee’s order should also be familiarized with the relevant act with the signatures of witnesses.
The employer should send all information about the comments made in the form of an order or a copy thereof to the archive and ensure its storage for 75 years from the date of the disciplinary sanction.

The employer or the employee responsible for labor discipline who imposes a penalty must remember that the law provides for a limited time frame for imposing a reprimand on an employee. In particular, you can take advantage of the opportunity to hold a worker accountable no later than a month after the fact of violation of discipline is recorded.

And, at the same time, no later than six months from the date of the actual violation. An exception to this procedure can be made only for situations in which a violation was discovered during an inspection or audit by regulatory authorities - in this case, the deadline for making a comment is two years from the date of the commission of the offense.

Remarks at work - consequences for the employee

For employees, the consequences of a comment at work are much more important than the procedural design of this procedure. Especially when you consider that employers do not always strictly follow the requirements of the law, instead preferring to exploit the legal ignorance of employees. So, in some cases, employers transfer employees to another position, demote them, or even discharge them - all these actions are completely illegal. In practice, the possible consequences of a comment at work can only be the following:

. The provisions of Article 81 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation do not provide for issuing a reprimand to an employee as an acceptable basis for dismissal. However, this article assumes that committing a violation of labor discipline during a disciplinary sanction is sufficient grounds for termination of an employment contract. That is, the indirect consequence of one remark may be the subsequent dismissal of the worker.
Entering information about collection into a personal card or personal file. The employer is obliged to enter information about the applied disciplinary sanctions into the personal files of employees, or into personal files if they are supposed to be maintained at work. In itself, such a consequence of a remark is not critical, but it can affect the attitude of superiors and colleagues in the event of a subsequent transfer of an employee or a change of manager.
. Directly and in themselves, the provisions of labor legislation do not consider deprivation of a bonus after a reprimand as a direct consequence of this disciplinary sanction. However, local regulations and provisions on bonuses and disciplinary sanctions may provide for the assignment of bonuses only to employees who do not have valid comments or reprimands, or a reduction in the amount or frequency of such additional rewards.

It should be remembered that for the same disciplinary offense within the organization, only one disciplinary sanction can be imposed. That is, you cannot simultaneously reprimand and reprimand an employee. Moreover, it is not allowed to dismiss an employee for an offense that has already resulted in a reprimand, even if the grounds for dismissal would be completely legal.

Reprimand as a disciplinary sanction - duration and mechanisms for removal

Like other disciplinary sanctions, such as a reprimand at work, a reprimand has a certain period of validity, after which it ceases to be valid and has no possible legal consequences for the worker. In general, legislative mechanisms that allow you to remove a reprimand may include the following methods of canceling it:

Verbal reprimand as a disciplinary sanction – when possible

Directly as a disciplinary sanction, a verbal reprimand is not included in the list of acceptable measures of influence on an employee. Therefore, any remark expressed orally by both the employer and the direct supervisor does not have any legal consequences. However, the provisions of Article 192 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation suggest that in some cases the procedure for issuing disciplinary sanctions may be regulated by intersectoral agreements or federal legislation.

Therefore, if an employee works in internal affairs bodies, the relevant regulations of this structure provide for the possible issuance of reprimands or comments without issuing an order. In this case, the main requirement is the mandatory publicity of the issuance of an oral reprimand or reprimand.

In order for criticism to be fruitful, not offensive and not offensive, you must use the following simple rules.

First of all, remove the accusatory “sting” from criticism and shift the emphasis to constructive proposals.
It is advisable to make comments in private so as not to hurt the pride of the person being criticized.
Strive to sincerely and seriously understand your partner’s point of view; discuss the arguments for and against; show sympathy for his thoughts and desires.
Show respect for your partner’s opinion without immediately and harshly rejecting it, even if it seems absurd to you. Give the opportunity to speak out to the end and try not to prove, but to find out the facts.
Conduct the conversation in a friendly, firm and calm tone. Try to start with a topic on which you and your interlocutor have mutual agreement. If possible, start with questions on which there is a common opinion that can elicit an affirmative answer and, thus, set the partner up for agreement. If a person says “no” from the very beginning of the conversation, it is difficult to convince him, since pride does not allow him to refuse the expressed opinion, even if he feels that he was initially wrong. Spare the ego of your interlocutor.
If you want to point out a person's mistake, start with praise and sincere recognition of his strengths.
When drawing people's attention to their mistakes, try to do it in an indirect form. For example, remember a similar case.
Use “ricochet” criticism: criticism of the actions of an abstract (fictional) person.
You need to put forward your opinion (disagreement, criticism) as a matter of discussion, without imposing it.
Do not use unjustified methods of strengthening arguments. Arguments like: “How many times have I told you!” are undesirable. An incorrect way to strengthen a statement is to raise your voice. If you have a desire to say something sharp, offensive to your partner, take your time - first take a few deep breaths and exhalations or silently count to 10-30, make several smooth movements with your tongue in your mouth, say to yourself some figurative, but harmless expression.
Introduce psychological pauses to people in a state of quarrel. They will help reduce emotional intensity, turn to the logic of things, self-esteem, and maybe seek advice from loved ones. Do not demand immediate, momentary recognition of mistakes from your partner, agreement with your point of view, with your opinion on this issue. Psychologically this is difficult, give time to think, don’t insist.
Admit your mistake or wrong step quickly, decisively and sincerely.
Along with criticism, reasoned self-criticism is desirable. Before criticizing another, talk about your own mistakes. The critic's admission of guilt and his own mistakes allows him to perceive criticism less harshly, and his pride is less wounded.
Make the flaw look easy to fix. Very often people are depressed by the hopelessness of their situation. Don’t put pressure on the psyche, but help find a way out.
Talk only about the matter, do not get personal: criticize actions, not the person. Give him the opportunity to “save face.”

It is important to remember this pattern: the more excited a person is, the more his pride is hurt, the less sensitive he is to logic, the more biased and subjective he is, and the more tactful an approach he requires.

If you notice that someone is getting too heated in an argument, it is better to reschedule the conversation for another time.

Forms of constructive criticism

It is very easy to praise a subordinate. It is much more difficult to make a correct, business-like, non-offensive remark to him. Here are some possible critiques.

Encouraging criticism: “Nothing. Next time you'll do better. But now it didn’t work out”;
Criticism-reproach: “Well, what are you doing? I was counting on you so much!”;
Criticism-hope: “I hope you will do this task better next time”;
Criticism-analogy: “Before, when I was like you, I made exactly the same mistake. Well, I got it from my boss!”;
Criticism-praise: “The work was done well. But not for this case”;
Impersonal criticism: “There are still employees in our team who cannot cope with their responsibilities. We won’t name their names”;
Criticism-concern: “I am very concerned about the current state of affairs, especially among our comrades like...”;
Criticism-empathy: “I understand you well, I get into your position, but you also get into mine. After all, the job is not done...”;
Criticism-regret: “I am very sorry, but I must note that the work was done poorly”;
Criticism-surprise: “How?! Haven't you done this work?! Did not expect)...";
Criticism-irony: “They did it, they did it and... they did it. What a job it takes! But how are we going to look our bosses in the eyes now?!”;
Criticism-reproach: “Oh, you! I had a much higher opinion of you”;
Hint Criticism: “I knew someone who did exactly the same thing as you. Then he had a bad time...”;
Criticism-mitigation: “What did they do so carelessly? And at the wrong time?!”;
Criticism-remark: “They did it wrong. Next time, consult”;
Criticism-warning: “If you allow marriage to happen again, blame yourself!”;
Criticism-demand: “You will have to redo the work!”;
Critique-challenge: “If you have made so many mistakes, decide for yourself how to get out of the situation”;
Constructive criticism: “The work was done incorrectly. What are you going to do now?”;
Criticism-concern: “I am very afraid that next time the work will be completed at this level.”

All these forms are good, provided that the subordinate respects his boss and values his opinion about himself. Wanting to look decent in the eyes of the manager, the employee will make every effort to correct the situation. Especially if the criticism was gentle.

When a subordinate does not treat his boss very kindly, it is better to combine negative assessments with positive ones.

How to take criticism

Criticism only becomes useful when people accept it. This rule can be reduced to the following settings.

Criticism addressed to me is my personal reserve for improvement.
Criticism is a form of help to eliminate shortcomings in work.
There is no criticism that cannot be benefited from.
Any retouching of criticism is harmful, since it “drives the disease inside” and thereby makes it difficult to overcome shortcomings.
The business perception of criticism should not depend on who (which person, for what purposes) makes critical remarks.
The perception of criticism should not depend on the form in which it is presented: the main thing is that the shortcomings are analyzed.
The central principle of constructively accepting criticism is “everything I have done can be done better.”
The most valuable benefit of external criticism is to find a rational grain for yourself, even where it is not visible at first glance.
Any criticism requires thinking at a minimum about what caused it, and at most - how to correct the situation.
A useful way to deal with criticism is to see areas of work that have been left out of your line of sight.
The first step in correctly perceiving criticism is fixing it, the second is understanding from the point of view of its benefits to the cause, the third is correcting the shortcoming, the fourth is creating conditions that prevent its repetition.
If they criticize me, it means they believe in my ability to fix things and work without failures.
When there is no criticism addressed to you, this is an indicator of disdain for you as an employee or lack of faith in your ability to perceive it in a businesslike manner.
The most valuable criticism is that which points out the imperfections of what appears to be normal.
Criticism of the possible negative consequences of the decisions I have made is a prerequisite for the timely prevention of work failures.
The person being criticized has no right to be offended; he only has the right to constructively comprehend what is said to him.
The person being criticized has the right to counter-criticism. He can actively defend his position. The only thing he is categorically forbidden to do is distort facts for the sake of justification.
A large number of biased (unfair) criticisms are an indicator of a poor psychological climate in the team. This in itself requires active critical reflection.
If I reacted to a critical remark with restraint and in a businesslike manner, it means I have overcome myself, I am a strong person.
Any criticism is useful if only because it allows you to find out the attitude of the critic towards you, which could be expressed in more extreme forms.
The most favorable response to criticism produces a concrete commitment to what will be done to improve things, with a specific time frame and realistic possibilities.
Acknowledging criticism means accepting responsibility for correcting shortcomings.
Even if the critic is mistaken, one should not rush to rebuke him: in order to involve others in the sphere of criticism, it is useful to support his attempt to critically understand the matter.

All participants in the discussion of any problem have the same rights and are equally subject to these rules.

Hello! Tell me please. How can I understand the behavior of my mother’s friend in such a situation? Recently, my younger brother had a birthday, to which we invited my grandparents, as well as my mother’s friend, along with her son, with whom my brother is friends. Mom went to the store to buy food for the holiday. While mom was away, grandpa and grandma came.

Grandmother immediately began to express dissatisfaction with the fact that the table had not yet been set for her arrival, and mother was “hanging around” somewhere (sorry). I, indignant at such a statement, said to my grandmother: “What, everything should be completely ready for your arrival? The table is set? Will you just sit down at the chair?” To which I was given the answer: “Yes! Exactly! Everything should be exactly like this!” Then dad came home from work and we prepared a festive dinner. We congratulated my brother on his birthday and started talking “for life.”

The grandmother then said: “And I feel sorry for my granddaughter!” (Looking at me). Then I asked: “Why do you feel sorry for me? Nothing happened to me!” Then my mother’s friend said: “Okay, just a minute! You - she turned to me - close your mouth and listen to me! Your granddaughter will sit in front of you, or even your daughter. And you will feel sorry for her for no reason.”

This jarred me a little, and I was surprised by the tone of my mother’s friend - my mother never said anything like that to anyone! Moreover, after the mother came out to see the guests off, a friend said: what, they say, your daughter doesn’t speak well to her grandmother! (Mom later told me this). I was surprised by such a not very fair remark. Firstly, I may have spoken harshly to my grandmother, but I wanted to protect my mother from unfair attacks. Secondly, making comments in front of your parents, and even in a similar way, is not very ethical. Moreover, I am no longer a little girl - I am 18 years old.

Mom later told me that her friend simply doesn’t like it when people talk rudely to her parents or grandparents. (On the day I came of age, she told me: “Wait a minute! Coming of age does not give you the right to talk rudely to your mother!” (Although in principle I didn’t say anything rude to my mother!) What do the commandments say? Honor your parents! I am teaching my son to do the same: so that he would respect me. I say that you don’t have to talk to your friends, but not to me!” Why do I constantly, and even in front of everyone, make such rude remarks?

Answer from theSolution psychologist:

In such situations, something different happens at the conscious level than at the subconscious level. On a conscious level, you are in the situation of a festive dinner on the occasion of your brother's birthday.

On a subconscious level, you are all playing a manipulative psychological game built according to the classic “Karpman Triangle” scheme.

Let's look at this situation in more detail. When your grandmother arrived before dinner, and you did not tell her the time of the desired visit in advance, the basis for a conflict situation was created. Your grandmother began communication from the position of an aggressor: he showed dissatisfaction with the fact that your mother was “hanging around” somewhere. This was a subconscious invitation to communicate according to the Karpman triangle scheme.

You felt offended and you also began to respond aggressively: “What, everything should be completely ready for your arrival? the table is set? Will you just sit down at the chair?” When you responded aggressively You just accepted the invitation to the Karpman triangle diagram. Next, you saw that your grandmother was beginning to distort the concepts of etiquette, because you gave her a signal that you would be her communication partner according to this scheme. "Yes! Exactly! Everything should be exactly like this!” she answered from the role of the aggressor and with a distorted matrix of ignoring. And when you sat down at dinner, your grandmother took the position of your savior, declaring that she felt sorry for you.

You, of course, were destined for the honorable role of an unfortunate victim who should gratefully accept humiliating self-pity.

In order to understand whether you have made an attempt to get out of the Karpman triangle pattern, you would need to observe your non-verbal reactions during your phrase: “Why do you feel sorry for me? Nothing happened to me!” If you said this in a calm and friendly tone, it means you were trying to break the cyclical pattern. If you said this phrase in an aggressive tone, then you continued the communication according to the scheme, but from the role of the aggressor, and your grandmother felt herself in the role of the victim.

Next, my mother’s friend entered the scheme - in relation to grandma she played the role of a savior, and in relation to you an aggressor: “Okay, just a minute! “You,” she turned to me, “close your mouth and listen to me!” Your granddaughter will sit in front of you, or even your daughter. And you will feel sorry for her for no reason.” This was done in order to you agreed to take the position of the victim and did not fall out of the scheme.

When a friend was leaving a holiday dinner, she invited your mother to continue the manipulative psychological game. It happened this way: a friend accused you of speaking poorly to your grandmother (you are the aggressor, and the grandmother is the victim). Your mother has been invited to either take the role of savior of your relationship with your grandmother, or take the position of aggressor towards you. So that you are already a victim.

Please note that with psychological games you will see distortions in the ignore matrix.

This means that the meaning of your words will be changed, and people will completely brush aside some of your phrases, solely for one single purpose: to continue the manipulative psychological game and assign one of the participants in the communication, in turn, to the role of the sufferer. They don’t pay attention to your feelings and true motives, but if you make a mistake with the tone of your voice due to inexperience, you will be accused of being rude to your elders. When your mother says that in fact your friend meant something else, she just doesn’t like it when elders are rude - this is not entirely true. You can confuse motives only when you have a weak understanding of psychology and know nothing about the Karpman triangle scheme.

There are signs by which you can distinguish psychological games from normal, sincere communication without subconscious manipulation.

The difference between manipulation and normal communication is very easy to see - analyze the actions that will be the result of the conversation. If someone is really worried about you feeling bad, then this motive will have a visible result in real life. For example, a person will give you money for clothes, pay for your studies, help you buy a home - that is, he will somehow help you with specific deeds. If pity is expressed publicly and only in words, then the purpose of this is different, namely publicly humiliate, so that you also take it for granted. A person who agrees to endure suffering and humiliation without complaint, and doesn't try to protect self-esteem- just like that plays the role of the victim.

If you want to learn how to interrupt and exit the Karpman triangle pattern, you can take the course “Correction of Negative Child-Parental Programs”

In order to learn how to interrupt the Karpman triangle pattern, it is important to learn to evaluate the ego states in the egogram of your interlocutor and your own ego states. Then you need to realize from which ego state the explicit and hidden communication message is coming to you. You always need to react to a hidden communication message, and you need to make sure that you do exactly cross transaction rather than parallel.

In your case, it might look something like this: in response to your grandmother’s first aggressive phrase, you could amiably joke that this situation is very reminiscent of the cartoon about Winnie the Pooh with his famous song “Whoever goes to visit in the morning acts wisely.” And then invite your grandmother to drink tea with sweets in the absence of your mother and watch your grandmother’s favorite film or concert of her favorite performer. This would understand the grandmother’s mood, and all of you together would not create a situation of altercation.
If your grandmother showed a feeling of pity for you in public, you could make a friendly joke, for example: “Do you know what “truly sorry” means? “It’s when there’s a swarm of bees!” Everyone would have laughed, and the invitation to join the Karpman triangle scheme would not have been accepted. Next, you could seize the initiative in communication and direct group communication in a constructive direction.

“Criticism can be easily avoided by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~ Aristotle

People react to criticism in different ways. Some people learn from it and take it in their stride. But for some, it is a problem that causes anger, excuses, self-doubt and loss of self-esteem. How can we prevent this problem? How to properly respond to criticism? How can we make criticism bring us benefit rather than bitterness and suffering?

Rule 1 - Calm down and observe

Do not give in to the first reaction that your mind and emotions give rise to. Yes, criticism can be unpleasant, and I know that. Sometimes, having heard such criticism, we feel that our work has not received adequate assessment, that our personal qualities have been called into question. Differences between one's own expectations and the opinions of other people create unpleasant dissonance: resentment, irritation, bitterness and anger provoke a reaction of desperate defense or aggressive attack on the criticizing person. There is nothing strange or surprising in this; this is how we are forced to act by the protective psychological mechanisms hidden in us by nature.

When we hear negative criticism, we unconsciously see a threat not only to our social position, but we also feel a threat to the ideas about ourselves that have become ingrained in us. In general, we don’t like it when people say things about us that we are not used to thinking about ourselves.

Therefore, it happens that we react passionately and violently to criticism. This is, one might say, an automatic mental reaction. But where there is automatism, there is not always room for common sense and understanding. Anger and resentment narrow your field of perception, they attract all your attention only to themselves: You think much more about how to protect yourself from criticism or how to find weaknesses in this criticism than about how much it can help you.

But if you calm down and relax, wait out the first stormy wave of emotions, then your perception will become free from the overwhelming feelings, and you will see a lot more that you have not seen before. For example, the fact that there is some truth in a critical assessment, albeit too subjective. And if you take it into account, it will help you avoid many mistakes in the future. Or, on the contrary, you will understand that the remark was completely unfair, and the person who made it was in a bad mood, which provoked him to make an unkind assessment of you and your work.

A calm mind can see much more and think much more constructively than a mind subject to strong emotions.

So before you get into an argument or respond to an email containing unpleasant information about your work, try to calm down. There are many different techniques that will help you quickly pull yourself together and restore mental balance:

Slowly count to ten in your head
Take several deep, slow breaths in and out with your belly.
Write down all your thoughts and write all your feelings on paper before you respond. What do you feel? What do you think? Spit it out on paper, not on a person

These are good and effective techniques that will help you “wait out” the first reaction and relax.

But in this case (if time permits) I like to simply observe my mind. To see how he worries and rushes about under the heat of the fire of my wounded self-esteem. How he becomes prejudiced, ceases to understand, and freezes in a belligerent stance in order to rush at the offender. How he showers me with heaps of flattery and self-justification to make criticism less painful...

Instead of giving in to the first reaction, just quietly observe it. As soon as you notice that your mind has again begun to come up with cunning ways to protect itself from the attacks of criticism, turn your attention back to observation. So you will not only see how the violent reaction gradually weakens and comes to naught, you will also learn a lot of new things about yourself, about how your mind behaves, how your psyche works. You will learn much more from dispassionate observation of yourself than from all the psychology textbooks combined!

But there is no need to somehow condemn this reaction of your mind. Remember, there is nothing wrong with it, because it is natural. We are so designed by nature that we can react to criticism in this way. Therefore, treat this reaction with love and understanding, but at the same time, try not to give in to it, but to remain a spectator, not involved in the performance.

If you learn this, then it will be much easier for you (anger, irritation), you will be able not to react to them immediately, but to use the time to come to the best solution to the problem you are faced with. This skill is very useful in life. It will help you avoid many quarrels, scandals and simply difficult situations. You will see that the first reaction is strongest only for a few seconds: once you hold out for this time and do not give in to the first wave, it will be much easier for you to pull yourself together.

Rule 2 - Use criticism as an opportunity to improve

Criticism is not always a reason to undermine your dignity or offend you. She can serve as a reliable assistant who will point out your weaknesses or the weaknesses of the project you are working on. It is not very correct to cover your ears and resist when such an assistant is talking to you. But this is exactly what people do who react violently to criticism addressed to them.

If you listen to this helper, you will learn a lot about yourself and perhaps become a better person! If criticism points out your weaknesses that you can improve, then this is not a reason to be upset at all! After all, you will most likely say thank you to the person who tells you in time that your car’s brakes are faulty. You will immediately take your car to a service center and possibly save your health or life. Why is it so difficult for us to accept unfavorable criticism about ourselves?

Accept it with gratitude and use it to your advantage! And rest assured, practically. Therefore, do not take criticism as a sentence and a reproach to yourself!

But what if criticism is aimed at qualities that you cannot change? Moreover, there is no reason to worry about her! What's the point of grieving over something you can't fix? circumstances are what they are.

Rule 3 - Ask for details

Sometimes it's worth clarifying a criticism. First of all, thank the person for their critical comment. Next, you should make sure that you understood him correctly: you can clarify some aspects of his remark. For example: “what do you mean by lack of references to sources”, “give an example, please!”

This will not only buy you time, but also clarify, detail the criticism and change your reaction to it. For example, at first it seemed to you that the quality of your work in general was being questioned, but after clarifying the criticism, you became convinced that it was only about a separate aspect of your work: “Okay, I’ll give an example. In the “software” section you do not have an analysis of the sources you relied on. I also did not see a detailed analysis in the “technical solutions” section. As for the remaining 12 sections, there is enough analysis there.”

Agree, such criticism is much easier to accept than the generalized statement “you do not cite sources in your work.” People tend to generalize, so ask them to clarify their comments and support them with specific examples. The same applies to life situations, not just work situations. Instead of arguing with your wife because she called you irresponsible, ask her in what situations you are irresponsible and how often such situations occur. Ask her to give examples. It is always easier to agree with examples than with abstract accusations. You can’t argue with facts; they help dot the i’s. Maybe you'll find out that you really aren't being very responsible with your life and something needs to change. Or you will come to the conclusion that the facts of irresponsible behavior are exaggerated by your spouse, they are isolated. And in many situations you remain serious and decisive.

This tactic will not only help clarify what the critic meant, but will also allow you to take a time out so as not to give in to the first reaction, which can be the most destructive when you do not have the time and opportunity to relax and calm down.

Rule 4 - Listen to criticism

When you listen to someone's criticism, just try to listen to it! You shouldn’t immediately figure out what to answer or how to defend yourself after your first words. This way, you may miss some important details in the critic's words and look stupid when responding to him. And, of course, you should not interrupt your interlocutor, trying to give him your answer. Listen carefully to the end, this will help you better understand the other person’s words, and also collect your thoughts yourself to respond in the most appropriate way. Take a moment to consider his words. No one will judge you for this; on the contrary, this way you will demonstrate respect for someone else’s point of view. You took time to think about it, and didn't just say what first came to your mind.

And the more calmly and thoughtfully you answer, the less inappropriate criticism you will hear in response, and it will be easier for you to accept criticism. Curb your ego, but also do not insult the ego of the one who criticizes you, treat criticism with respect. If two egos clash in a duel, then disaster cannot be avoided. Mutual respect and the ability to listen prevent this clash from happening.

Rule 5 - Make sure the criticism is relevant to its subject

Sometimes you need to make sure that the person criticizing you has a good understanding of the subject and purpose of your work. For example, I often receive critical feedback on my articles on this site. Many of them actually help me write better. But others seem to be aimed not at my article, but at another one that I did not write. For example, a person may criticize something that I did not indicate in the article. This can happen for various reasons. I may not have explained my point very well. Or the reader did not understand it very well. Perhaps he was simply too lazy to read the article to the end, but he had a desire to criticize it. I react to such criticism in different ways. Sometimes I try to figure out what causes it. Maybe I really explained something poorly and I should reframe my thoughts. Sometimes I just pass by without answering, because I don’t see the point in redoing the stable image that has formed in the mind of the reader who has altered my work in his own way.

Therefore, before you respond to criticism, you should make sure that it is addressed specifically to your work, and not to the distorted image of this work in the critic's head. There is no need to get involved in an argument about work that you did not do and react to such criticism with offense. After all, it is not addressed to your work, but to some distorted representation of it in the critic’s head. And this image may have little relation to the actual subject: do not take it personally. A person could come up with something himself, and then criticize what he himself came up with, thinking that he condemns your work. Don't fall for this illusion.

Also, this criticism should take into account the goals of this work. For example, it is not very smart to criticize a washing machine because it cannot send SMS.

Rule 6 - Get rid of the mindset that you have to be perfect

Let go of the belief that you have to be perfect and your work has to be perfect the first time. If everyone did their job perfectly, there would be no need for teamwork, meetings, and the exchange of ideas. People are forced to support each other, discuss the results of joint work, make suggestions and point out mistakes. Even the most senior leaders do not make important decisions alone. Because they know that every person makes mistakes.

Learn to be calm about your mistakes and shortcomings. No matter how hard you try to do something, no matter how ambitious goals you set for yourself, no matter how reverently you treat your tasks, there will always be room for error and imperfection. We are all human and we are all limited by our knowledge, experience, and beliefs. And the more we think about being perfect, the further we push perfection away from ourselves! What we fear eventually becomes our reality! By rejecting criticism, by rejecting everything that does not correspond to our idealized ideas about ourselves, about our work, we refuse to learn. We refuse to become better. We refuse to move towards perfection. The resilience of our illusions and shaky ideas about ourselves becomes more important to us than any development.

I will talk about how destructive these attitudes can be in the next paragraph, giving an example from life.

Rule 7 - Don’t argue with other people’s impressions, listen to them

A few years ago, on one forum, I saw a request from one participant to evaluate his online project. The idea for the site was interesting. But the implementation was at a very low level: small font, lack of paragraphs, confusing style of presenting information, difficulty with navigation, completely unsightly design, lack of optimization.

Critics voiced all these shortcomings, showed examples of successful sites and made suggestions on how and what needs to be corrected for the site to become popular. That is, the criticism was aimed more at helping than at denigrating the work of this person.

But you can never be wrong in your impression! If your work has a repulsive effect on someone, then that effect is what it is. If someone says that they are uncomfortable reading the text on your presentation or their eyes are strained by the colors of your design, then they are most likely not deceiving you. Yes, this impression may change over time, but now it is exactly like that and, most likely, for a reason. If you do work for people, and not to admire it alone, then it makes even more sense to listen to people’s opinions.

The author of the site I was talking about could have listened to the opinions of those who were trying to help him make the site better for the public and, perhaps, win over his loyal readers. But in order to do this, he needed to get rid of the mindset that the result of his many months of work had to be perfect. But he was convinced of the correctness of his assessment, that he knew everything better than other people, whose impressions were “wrong,” and no one except him could evaluate his work. From the very beginning, he did not want criticism, despite his request. He only wanted to receive praise for the work done. And he sacrificed a potentially successful project to his ego and stubbornness. His website no longer exists.

Rule 8 - Use someone else's opinion to add perspective

Different people think differently. They see the situation differently. They notice what others do not notice and, conversely, they do not see what you see. This is why we are forced to cooperate: our points of view complement each other, even if, at first glance, they seem to be in conflict.

It's like looking at the same point on the landscape, but from different angles. You are standing on a hill to the north, and your colleague is overlooking the point from the plain to the south. You see the landscape from above: the roofs of houses, the peaks of towers, but you do not realize the actual height of the buildings. Whereas, if you look at them from below, your eye will more accurately notice how some buildings differ in height from others. And the contradiction generated by looking from different perspectives is only imaginary.

Open collaboration, a willingness to accept someone else's point of view, gives volume, depth and completeness to the problem at hand, be it your relationship, your work, or yourself.

Rule 9 - Assess the situation

Ask yourself: who is criticizing you? Maybe this is a person who was opposed to you from the very beginning? Or someone who feels important when he criticizes others? Or is it your friend who loves you and wants to help you? Depending on the answers to these questions, your reaction to criticism will change.

Also ask yourself questions: why am I being criticized? Fair criticism or not? Did you understand me correctly? Have I given any reason to be criticized? You may realize that you did not convey your message clearly, which caused an unfavorable reaction. Or maybe your work actually has some flaws that you can fix instead of trying to convince everyone that it's perfect.

Rule 10 - Thank you for criticism. Use it as an ego trainer

Before you jump into an argument, mentally thank the person who is criticizing you. After all, criticism helps you become better! I already wrote that it points out your mistakes and helps you avoid them. But not only truthful and polite criticism can be useful to you! No matter how strange it may sound, the most useful criticism for you may be the most unfair and offensive!

On my site, some people sometimes leave impolite, offensive and unfair comments about my articles, sometimes transferring to my personality. But it is precisely such comments that strengthen my ability to calmly respond to unflattering criticism and not give in to my emotions. I call these comments: "Ego Trainer". Only the most unflattering criticism can awaken my Ego and leave me alone with it, see it at the highest point of passion and curb it. It's hard and doesn't always work out. Sometimes this struggle leaves severe emotional wounds. But if these wounds are left alone, allowed to heal, and the fire raging inside to go out, then sooner or later flowers of experience, development and knowledge will appear in their place.

A “trained” ego that is immune to insults is a guarantee of unshakable self-esteem and strong character!

It can be unpleasant for me to hear feedback from those who do not appreciate my work, just like any other person. Especially if a lot of energy and moral strength are invested in this work. But often it was from these reviews that some kind of breakthrough in understanding was born: strong emotions did not allow me to forget what they said to me, and I returned to these offensive words again and again. But gradually the veil of emotions subsided, and the truth was revealed. I've seen that even the most offensive criticism can contain some healthy grain. A person's angry reaction may be a result of his personal problems, but at the same time, it may be caused by something in me and point to something. Even if his personal perception greatly distorted what he was trying to tell. But I can take his message and decipher it, remove all unnecessary things from it and use it for myself!

Therefore, remember that whatever criticism may be: soft or aggressive, truthful or inadequate, motivated by love or hatred, it can all become useful to you! You may find grains of truth in it. And even if you don’t find it, it will temper and strengthen your ego. Therefore, always thank people for criticism (not necessarily with words, you can do it in your mind), because they provide you with an invaluable service, even if they themselves don’t realize it!

Rule 11 - Consult statistics

Criticism is often subjective. Instead of losing your peace of mind because of the opinion of a single person, think about what other people think about the subject of criticism? If someone criticized your work, find out how your other colleagues rated it. If someone has criticized you personally, remember what your friends think of you. They communicate with you, love and respect you despite all your shortcomings. You can also ask yourself, what do you think about yourself and your work? You also have a great right to vote and participate in these statistics! Often we worry so much about another person's opinion that we forget to ask ourselves what we really think about it.

Opinions can be subjective, we all know this very well, but we do not use this knowledge. Thousands of laudatory reviews about us and our work can pass us by unnoticed. But one single negative review can deprive us of our mood for whole days! But such reviews will inevitably arise, especially if your work is evaluated by many people. (Remember Aristotle’s aphorism at the beginning of the article?) This is natural. You can't be perfect. You can't please everyone.

Rule 12 - Don't get involved in pointless arguments

Try to listen to criticism if it is reasonable, and simply ignore it if it is not true. This will save you time and nerves. In my article “” I wrote the following. When a person argues, his mind is completely focused on attacking his opponent or defending his own point of view. He is not interested in the truth, he either defends himself or attacks, being unable to understand and perceive. This prevents you from benefiting from criticism and improving, and also gives rise to many unpleasant emotions.

Of course, meaningless disputes should be avoided, but this does not mean that in situations where the public is waiting for your answer, you should silently accept any, even the most unfair criticism. Sometimes you still need to pay attention to the shortcomings of criticism or its inconsistency with its subject.

Rule 13 - React when necessary

In this article, I wrote how important it is to accept other people’s criticism, listen to it, and show respect. But there are situations when criticism turns into rudeness and insult. And you need to react to this in accordance with the situation. If someone insults you on the Internet, walk by. If in real life someone regularly offends you, then you can’t just tolerate it in silence. I hope that your wisdom will tell you how to act in this situation.

Other people's opinions of you do not always stem from actual facts. Sometimes it is only the result of their personal speculation, the projection of their fears onto you. It happens that people have a negative impression of your personality or your work as a result of a quick impression, their tendency to generalize and not see the whole. Often a person's opinion of you, expressed in criticism, is only his personal problem, not yours, even if there is some truth in this opinion.

Feel free to take this truth and use it for your needs. And leave all the bitterness and anger to the critic himself, let them stay with him!

Remember, opinions about you exist only in the heads of other people and, most often, remain there if you do not let them in. Give people the right to carry any thoughts and opinions they want in their heads! Don’t make a big deal out of the fact that this is exactly what this opinion is and not some other.

But, nevertheless, one should not avoid responding to any criticism. Sometimes you may be criticized simply to irritate you, or simply out of a desire to offend you. Such criticism can be intrusive and annoying, and you cannot leave it as it is, but react.

In many situations, you will still have to defend your opinion, cut off unfair attacks and defend yourself. If you had to do this, then do it with a calm heart, without unnecessary indignation. Be persistent in defending your opinion where the situation requires persistence, without losing tact and listening skills.