Psychologist's answer:
Zinaida, hello.
I sympathize with you very much, but your story is one of many similar ones (maybe it will make you feel better knowing that 90 out of 100% of men do this). A young man dates one girl for quite a long time (from 3 to (even) 10 years), then suddenly disappears, and a month later “his common-law wife” finds out that he now has an official wife.
It is not possible (and not necessary) to find out why he did this; in each individual case everything is purely individual.
Every person comes into our lives for some purpose, to give us something and to take something from us. And it happens that the relationship with this person naturally ends, and they need to be let go with gratitude. But we have some expectations, some unjustified hopes. And in light of this, we are hurt, we are hurt because we still love, we are hurt because we were offended. And there are many ways to let it go: how to let a person go free and return energy to yourself. And here it is important to let go of a person at the level of the heart, at the level of emotions.
What can I offer you as part of express self-help?! You need to write him a letter in which you tell him everything: about the pain he caused you and how you are suffering now, about how friends and acquaintances make fun of you, etc. After you write this letter (just write it straight as it is), read this letter several times, and then burn it with the words: “Thank you for being in my life. Now I don’t need you anymore, I’m letting you go.”
You can also do meditation (which also helps) on parting with your loved one. For example, on the Internet there is an online meditation by Margarita Murakhovskaya “Meditation on Forgiveness.”
Zinaida, I understand that this is hard to accept, but don’t be upset. 29 years old is a wonderful age. In Europe, for example, at the age of 30, girls only open their eyes to the opposite world (to the male world) for the purpose of marriage, and before that they enjoy life. In our country they just treat this a little differently; after 25 years, a girl begins to be bullied by society for marriage (this also makes sense, because the main task of humanity is to reproduce, and society is aimed at this process, which is why Russian girls so often face with “public opinion”, especially if a quarter of her life is behind her, and she is still walking around as a girl).
Judging by what you write, your partner was not the most wonderful man in the world, and, to be honest, it is very good that such “happiness” went to someone else, and not you. Mentally thank the one who took it from you. Breathe a sigh of relief and start life with a clean slate, especially since it’s spring outside the window.
As the ancient Chinese saying goes: “Live with peace. Come spring, and the flowers bloom themselves"
Men and women meet, fall in love, get married, get married, have children. And then they get divorced. This happens and, unfortunately, often. Then, most often, another family appears. But there are children from the first marriage, and usually everyone remains offended as a result of intra-family relationships: wives/husbands from the first marriage, from the second and, of course, children. It happens that children from a first marriage cause the breakdown of a second family.
Usually the cause of tension in family relationships is jealousy. The first wife is not too happy when her ex-husband has a new family. In addition, a woman left alone with children worries more about the future - after all, she now needs to raise children alone, and this requires not only mental strength, but also the most banal financial expenses. Children need to be clothed, fed, bought toys, taken care of education (and in Russia, for example, there is already talk that not only higher education, but even secondary education will be paid). Naturally, the ex-wife urgently demands that the father of the children provide his offspring with everything they need. And if the ex-husband is not an alcoholic, not a parasite, and so on, then he is also required to participate in raising children (the mother is not always able to solve educational issues herself, especially when it comes to raising boys - here the participation of a man is required).
It is rare to come across second wives who are understanding of the fact that the husband regularly visits his ex-family. No, many women understand everything - in words, but continue to be jealous, that is, there is no understanding as such. It's all about their lack of confidence in their own importance for their husband. There is also a fear that the ex-wife will somehow manage to return “her property” - by manipulating the man, using the children as a measure of influence. Such fears are especially strong if the new family does not yet have children. In such a situation, three ways to solve the problem are usually used.
The first way. The second wife categorically forbids her husband to visit the children from his first marriage. She constantly creates scandals, counts every penny her husband spends on the children in excess of mandatory alimony, controls his every move - what if he takes advantage of an hour of free time to visit the children. The path is vicious, leading to the collapse of the new family. A man who rightly believes that he divorced the woman, but not the children, wanting to maintain peace in the new family, begins to visit the children secretly, hiding money from his new wife in order to be able to help the children. A double life begins: one in the family, the other outside it. It is impossible to call such an existence a normal family.
Often a new wife justifies her behavior by saying that by filing a divorce, the husband has completely abandoned everything that connects him with his first family. She sincerely believes that from the moment of divorce, the children have nothing to do with it (well, except that they are required to pay alimony established by law). Moreover, she distances herself from her husband’s past life, not wanting to have anything to do with it, and not allowing him to even remember that there once was another wife and, accordingly, children. “Everything is different now!” he declares almost out loud. - “You need to forget about the past.” However, this past includes not only the abandoned woman, but also children. And it’s difficult for a decent man to forget about this. If he continues to be pushed towards selective sclerosis, his high opinion of his new wife, the love that was the reason for the new marriage, may evaporate. And along with them - the marriage itself.
The second way best described by the words “It doesn’t concern me!” The new family completely distances itself from everything connected with the first marriage, including children. The second wife pretends that her husband simply does not have any other children except the common ones. In the optimal case, an agreement can be reached: once a week the husband visits the children from his first marriage, the wife at this time goes about her business (for example, meets with friends - such an arrangement is very convenient if the husband does not approve of his wife’s friends), and a day is always set , which the husband spends with his new family. In the worst case scenario, the second wife simply ignores all her husband’s problems related to children from his first marriage, even refuses to talk about this topic, citing the refusal by the fact that this does not concern her, all these are other people’s problems. And she doesn’t even notice that the category of “strangers” includes not only the problems of her husband’s first family, but also his own, a person who, by definition, should not be a stranger to her. Moreover, the man gradually gets used to the idea that he has a life separate from his family, that his problems are only his own, that he cannot expect support from his family. All this does not at all improve the family situation and only contributes to the separation of spouses from each other.
The third way- friendship. Some wives still manage to either get rid of the feeling of jealousy, or at least hide it more reliably, and try to make friends with their husband’s children from his first marriage. Sometimes men protest against this development of events, wanting to completely separate two lives: the first marriage and the second. But the majority are happy with the fact that they don’t have to hide their love for their children, that they can discuss emerging problems in the family, get advice and support. This path is good, but quite complicated.
Inevitable problems arise: children from the first marriage are not too happy about the appearance of their stepmother, they blame her for losing their father, sometimes even if the first marriage and the second are separated by years (often the first wife supports the children in this opinion, with all her feelings offended woman, fanning hostility towards his father’s new wife and himself).
In addition, it is very difficult to refuse something to a child from a first marriage. After all, an accusation may follow: “This is because you are not my mother! You are a stranger! Attempts at education lead to the phrase: “But mom says that everything is completely wrong!” - and not everyone dares to say that mom can also be wrong, and, moreover, such a statement can cause an outbreak of hostility on the part of the child.
Difficulties are aggravated when the new family has children together. Often children from a first marriage, subconsciously outraged by the appearance of a “stranger” and “competitor,” double their demands, unconsciously trying to deprive their half-brother or sister, to deprive them of something the way this child deprived them of their father. And here not only the stepmother, but also the father finds himself in a difficult situation: refusing the children from their first marriage leads to their opinion: “They don’t love us anymore! Everything goes to him (or her, meaning the child from the second marriage)!” Indulging in unreasonable demands can even lead to financial difficulties in the family.
A woman who has chosen the path of friendship with children from her first marriage experiences constant psychological pressure. After all, she is not allowed to forget for a minute that her husband used to have another family, there are other children who require his love and attention. Sometimes it even seems that this love and attention is taken away from their common children. However, this relationship option turns out to be the most advantageous, even if it is not possible to establish contact with the husband’s children. In the end, the main thing for the second wife is not the fruits of her husband’s first marriage, but her family, and her relationship with her husband is not overshadowed by either secrecy or suspicion. True, in order to follow this path, you need to be convinced of your own value for your husband, of his love. Then it becomes clear that everyone takes their place: the wife is in her place, the children are in theirs, and all this does not intersect. And a man’s love for his own children does not at all diminish his love for his wife.
For those who are not confident in their tolerance (as well as in their value for this man “with a past”), it is better to think carefully before entering into marriage. Well, if the marriage has already been concluded, then you should not blame the man for his love for children, for his desire to provide them with maximum support.
Sometimes it happens that a man, feeling guilty towards his former family, begins to pay too much attention to the children from his first marriage. Children from a second marriage find themselves in secondary roles (motivation – “They already have everything! The main thing is that they have both parents!”). Typically, in this case, children from the second marriage are deprived, because their father may completely stop taking part in upbringing, being convinced that his regular presence in the house is enough.
If such problems arise, or if the second wife begins to feel pathological hostility towards the children from her first marriage, it is better to contact a professional psychologist who deals specifically with family and marriage problems. In the vast majority of cases, after family consultations, jealousy on the part of the second wife and guilt on the part of the man go away, and a normal family life is established, not overshadowed by “skeletons in the closet.”
“My ex-husband has a new family, but I still couldn’t find peace in myself, although in fact there were no feelings left, I was probably more worried about how he would treat our child. He left, then I didn’t sleep at night, wondering how he was and what was wrong with him, and did I do the right thing? When he created a new family, the neurosis became even greater, I want to call and tell him what a scoundrel he is, that he abandoned the child, forgot, and the like.” - this is what many women who have gone through a divorce think and have feelings for their ex-husband. Although, in fact, maybe divorce is for the better?
“After a little time, I began to understand that if I quarrel with my ex-husband, there would be no happiness either in my family or in his, and the child would suddenly hate me. And then I decided to develop mental balance and calmly react to my husband’s actions. And you know, it turns out that I began to feel even better, the child communicates with his father - this is the secret of happiness, and we began to establish relationships as families, because we shouldn’t make enemies, it’s more useful to have friends” - this is an example of a woman who deserves I was able to survive the divorce, let go of my ex-husband and get my life back on track. Take her example!
I'm lonely, I was already with someone else
It seemed that this was the end of life. There is nothing worse in the world than being alone. I have no appetite for days. Living, eating, paying attention to the child - everything seems empty without her ex-husband. Life goes on, and the woman is still waiting for her ex-husband to return...
“Every time I imagined her in her place, how he sleeps with her, goes to restaurants, guests, to his mother-in-law, what she cooks for him. I began to miss his attention, small quarrels over trifles, the fact that he watches football on weekends, in a word, everything that I didn’t like before.” - such thoughts occur to women when their husband and property were taken away by someone else, and now, instead of improving her life and developing, the woman feels sorry for herself.
Why isn't he with me?
This question does not leave exes alone. “What could I have done that provoked my husband to leave for another woman. Maybe I'm a bad wife, mother, or I just don't suit him in bed? Or I simply devoted little time to leisure time together, I cooked differently from his mother, with love.”
This question is difficult to answer. Try to find out from your ex what the reason is in order to prevent it from happening in future relationships. Or maybe it’s just not about you and your mistakes, but he fell in love for the second time.
“My husband stopped paying attention to me, I became an empty place for him, a person with whom he considered it pointless to spend his life. No matter how much I think why he is not with me, but with another, and everything is in vain, I just remind myself once again about that terrible day. As a result, I decided to turn to a family psychologist, no matter how funny it may sound. He helped me get out of this situation by explaining that I was simply too fixated on my ex-spouse. I believed it myself, and even more than that. After several visits to a specialist, I began to believe in myself, learned to love myself for who I am, and life began to improve.” — review from a grateful visitor to a psychologist. If you yourself cannot cope with depression after a divorce, then seek help from a specialist. If you still have a joint loan with your ex-husband, read the article.