Life does not stand still... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone close to them has died, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person and express their condolences and sympathy. Condolences- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude towards the experiences and misfortune of another, expressed in words - orally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, injure, or cause even more suffering?

The word condolences speaks for itself. This, to put it simply, is not so much a ritual as “ with seating disease" Don't let this surprise you. After all, grief is actually a disease. This is a very difficult, painful human condition, and it is well known that “shared grief is half grief.” Condolence usually goes along with sympathy ( Sympathy - feeling together, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolences are sharing grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolences are not only words, presence next to the grieving, but also deeds that are aimed at consoling the grieving person.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving person, but also written, when a person who cannot express it directly for some reason expresses his sympathy in writing.

Also, offering condolences is in various cases part of business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, and firms. Condolences are also used in diplomatic protocol when they are expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Verbal condolences to the bereaved

The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Verbal condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, co-workers to those who were closer to the deceased through family, friendly and other connections. Verbal condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral or wake).

The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, without the work of the soul and sincere sympathy behind it. Otherwise, condolences turn into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving person, but in many cases also causes him additional pain. Unfortunately, this is not a rare case these days. It must be said that people in grief subtly sense lies that at other times they would not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to say empty and false words that have no warmth.

How to express verbal condolences:

To express your condolences please consider the following:

• There is no need to be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings towards the grieving person and in expressing warm words towards the deceased.
• Remember that condolences can often be expressed in more than just words. If you cannot find the right words, you can express your condolences with whatever your heart tells you. In some cases, touching the grieving person is quite enough. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving person. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. The same can be done by condolences who do not have close relationships with the family of the deceased or knew him little during his lifetime. For them, it is enough to shake hands with relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolences.
• When expressing condolences, it is very important not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to reinforce these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Sympathetic people at all times understood that their words without deeds could turn out to be dead and formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and organizing a funeral, this is all possible financial assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many different types of assistance. Actions will not only reinforce your words, but will also make life easier for the grieving person, and will also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolences, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving person, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight and sincerity.

How to find the right words to express condolences

Finding the right, sincere, accurate words of condolences that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to choose them? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolences, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words needed in this situation. And prayer calms us, turns our attention to God, whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for the granting of consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can then say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before going to express your condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, we often have grievances, both against the person to whom we will offer condolences, and against the deceased himself. It is these grievances and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary to forgive in prayer those with whom you are offended, and then the necessary words will come on their own.

• Before you say words of consolation to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolences to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After this, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.

• Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or people) to whom you are going to express condolences are feeling now.

Think about their experiences, the extent of their loss, their internal state at the moment, the history of their relationship. If you do this, the right words will come on their own. All you have to do is say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences are addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should in no way affect your attitude towards the grieving person. You cannot know the degree of remorse (present and future) of that person or persons.

Expressing condolences is not only a sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person speaks words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly ask for forgiveness for what you consider yourself to be guilty of before the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of verbal condolences

Here are a few examples of verbal condolences. We would like to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use only ready-made stamps, because... the person to whom you offer condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

• He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you.
• Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
• There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
• It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
• I'm very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
• Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
• This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please let's walk this path together
• Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I mourn with you.
• This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
• It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

I would like to especially emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without pomposity, pretentiousness, or theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who are trying to somehow support the grieving, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCES for PEOPLE EXPERIENCED THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of grief, which usually begins on the first day and can end on days 9 to 40 of loss (if grief proceeds normally). ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE IS GIVEN WITH SUCH GRIEVING PARTICIPALLY IN CONSIDERATION.

As we have already said, the most important thing is that condolences are not formal. We must try not to speak (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that when expressing condolences, empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases are not used. It is important to note that in an attempt to console a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made, which not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, and disappointment on the part of the grieving person. This happens because a psychologically grieving person in the shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. This is why it is better to avoid mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of frequently used phrases that, according to experts, are not recommended to be said when expressing condolences to a person who is in the acute phase of grief:

You can't "console" the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(if the child died), "You are beautiful, then will you get married again"(if the husband died), etc. - This is a completely tactless statement for a grieving person. He hasn't mourned yet, hasn't experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he experiences the pain of real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is told about. Therefore, such “consolation” from a person who may think that he is thus giving hope to the grieving person is in fact tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry“Everything will pass” - people who utter such words of “sympathy” give completely wrong instructions to the grieving person. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to react to his emotions and hide his pain and tears. The grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or become convinced) to think that crying is bad. This can have an extremely difficult impact on both the psycho-emotional and somatic state of the mourner and on the entire experience of the crisis. Usually the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less” are said by those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the “sympathizers” themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving person, and they, trying to get away from this trauma, give such advice.

Naturally, if a person constantly cries for more than a year, then this is already a reason to contact a specialist, but if the grieving person expresses his grief several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Don't worry, Everything will be fine” is another rather empty statement, which the sympathizer imagines as optimistic and even as giving hope to the mourner. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement very differently. He does not yet see the good, he does not strive for it. At the moment, he doesn’t really care what happens next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a loved one. And for this reason, such empty optimism will irritate him rather than help him.

« It's bad, of course, but time heals“- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who pronounces it can understand. God, prayer, good deeds, acts of mercy and alms can heal the soul, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt and get used to it. In any case, it is pointless to say this to the grieving person when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing the loss, is not making plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed over time. It seems to him that it will always be like this now. That is why such a phrase evokes negative feelings towards the speaker.

Let’s give a metaphor: for example, a child was hit hard, is experiencing severe pain, crying, and they say to him, “It’s bad that you hit yourself, but let it console you that it will heal before the wedding.” Do you think this will calm the child down or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

When expressing condolences, it is impossible to utter wishes to the mourner that are oriented towards the future. For example, “I wish you to get back to work quickly,” “I hope that you will soon regain your health,” “I wish you to come to your senses quickly after such a tragedy,” etc. Firstly, these wishes, which are oriented towards the future, are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given in this capacity. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which in a state of acute grief a person still does not yet see. This means that these phrases will disappear into emptiness at best. But it is possible that the griever will perceive this as your call to him to end his grief, which he simply physically cannot do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the grieving person.

You cannot find positive elements in a tragedy and devalue the loss.

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, instilling positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding a certain benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss, most often does not console the grieving person either. The bitterness of the loss does not become less, the person perceives what happened as a catastrophe

“He feels better this way. He was sick and exhausted"- Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person experiencing grief. Even if the grieving person admits the truth of this statement, the pain of the loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke resentment in the grieving person towards the departed - “You feel good now, you are not suffering, but I feel bad.” Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of grief can be a source of guilt in the grieving person.

Often when expressing condolences the following statements are heard: “It’s good that the mother wasn’t hurt,” “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They also should not be said to the grieving person. The arguments that are given in such statements are also not able to reduce a person’s pain from loss. He, of course, understands that everything could have been worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.

Every person knows that it is impossible to console a fire victim by saying that his house burned down, but his car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in its worst form.

“Hold on, because others have it worse than you”(it can be even worse, you are not the only one, there is so much evil around - many suffer, your husband is here, and their children died, etc.) - also a fairly common case in which the sympathizer tries to compare the grieving person with the one “ who has it worse." At the same time, he hopes that the person grieving from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the worst, that it can be even worse, and thus his pain from the loss will decrease.

This is an unacceptable practice. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for a normal person, if everyone around is feeling bad, then this does not improve, but rather worsens the person’s condition. Secondly, a grieving person cannot compare himself with others. For now, his grief is the most bitter. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.

You can’t look for the “extreme”

When expressing condolences, one cannot say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Oh, if we had sent him to the doctor”, “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you had not left, then perhaps this would not have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if We wouldn’t let him go,” etc.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause in a person who is already very worried, an additional feeling of guilt, which will then have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find someone “to blame”, “extreme” in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom condolences are “guilty.”

Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are statements that are completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished,” “this driver should be killed (brought to justice),” “these terrible doctors should be judged.” These statements (fairly or unfairly) place the blame on someone else and are a condemnation of another. But assigning someone to blame, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, cannot at all soften the pain of loss. Punishing someone responsible for death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements put the mourner into a state of strong aggression towards the person responsible for the death of a dear person. But grief specialists know that a grieving person can turn aggression towards the perpetrator on himself at any moment, thereby making things even worse for himself. So you shouldn’t utter such phrases, fueling the fire of hatred, condemnation, and aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving person, or about the attitude towards the deceased.

“God gave - God took”- another often used “consolation” that actually does not console at all, but simply shifts the “blame” for the death of a person to God. We must understand that a person in the acute stage of grief is least concerned about the question of who took the person from his life. The suffering in this acute phase will not be made easier because God has taken and not another. But the most dangerous thing is that by suggesting in this way to shift the blame onto God, you can cause aggression in a person and not have good feelings towards God.

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, as well as the soul of the deceased, is precisely turning to God in prayer. And obviously, this creates additional complications if you consider God to be “guilty.” Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in the hands of God”. The only exception is such condolences addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God’s providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, mentioning this can indeed be a comfort.

“This happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like that” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding the grieving person of the shortcomings of the person who died not only does not console, but on the contrary makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses “condolence” in this way, completely undeservedly, puts himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the cause, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, connecting certain causes with the effect. This characterizes the sympathizer as ill-mannered, who thinks a lot about himself, and stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that “consolation” with condemnation and assessment is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless “condolences”, it is necessary to remember the well-known rule “It’s either good or nothing about the deceased.”

Other common mistakes when expressing condolences

They often say the phrase when expressing condolences “I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you” This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you had similar situations and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand another's physical pain except the one experiencing it. And everyone’s soul hurts especially. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the mourner, even if you have experienced similar things. You shouldn't compare feelings. You can't feel the same way he does. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. It’s better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you feel”, “I see how you grieve”

It is strictly not recommended to tactlessly inquire about details when expressing sympathy. “How did this happen?” “Where did this happen?”, “What did he say before his death?” This is no longer an expression of condolences, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not cause him trauma (but this, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to talk about the loss at all).

It happens that when offering condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the mourner to more easily cope with grief - “You know that I feel bad too,” “When my mother died, I also almost went crazy.” ", "Me too, just like you. I feel very bad, my father also died,” etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and your desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. In this way, a multiplication of grief and pain can occur, a mutual induction that not only does not improve, but can even worsen the condition. As we have already said, it is little consolation for a person that others are also feeling bad.

Often condolences are expressed in phrases that are more like appeals - “ You must live for the sake of”, “You must endure”, “You must not”, “you need, you must do”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when conscription was practically the only understandable form of addressing a person. Such appeals to duty for a person who is in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause misunderstanding and irritation in him. A person who feels in grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experiences, and he is also obliged to do something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that he is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express sympathy in poetry. This makes condolences pompous, insincerity and pretense and at the same time does not contribute to achieving the main goal - expressing sympathy and sharing grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolences a touch of theatricality and play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not expressed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Renowned grief psychologist A.D. Wolfelt also provides the following recommendations on what NOT to do when communicating with a person who is experiencing acute grief

The refusal of a grieving person to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. We must understand that the person grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, and be in a state of feelings that are very difficult for another person to assess. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from such a person’s refusals. Be merciful to him. Wait for him to get back to normal.

You cannot distance yourself from a person, deprive him of your support, or ignore him. A grieving person may perceive this as your reluctance to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are scared, if you are afraid to impose yourself, if you are modest, then take into account these characteristics of the grieving person. Don't ignore him, but go up and explain to him.

Don't be afraid of intense emotions and leave the situation. Sympathetic people are often frightened by the strong emotions of those grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you cannot show that you are scared and distance yourself from these people. This may also be misunderstood by them.

You should not try to talk to those who are grieving without affecting their feelings. A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have results. This happens because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring his feelings. If you talk to a person without affecting his feelings, it will be like talking in different languages.

You cannot use force (squeezing, grabbing hands). Sometimes sympathizers involved in grief may lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the grieving person. Strong displays of emotions, clenching in arms.

Condolences: etiquette and rules

Ethical rules state that “often the death of a loved one is notified not only to relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and memorials, but also to comrades and simply distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or to visit the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If a mourning message is sent in writing, then the person receiving it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family to express condolences in person, be with the grieving, offer help, and console.

But people who were not at the funeral ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be made within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When going to a funeral or condolence visit, you should wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes a dark coat is simply worn over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. During a condolence visit, it is not customary to discuss any other issues not related to death, to speak tactlessly on abstract topics, remembering funny stories, or to discuss work problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief they suffered, and you will make it easier for them to return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot make a personal visit for some reason, then you need to send a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message.”

Written expression of condolences

How condolences were expressed in letters. A brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's look at this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, an applicant on the topic “Worldview Aspects of Life” writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and nobility you can find examples of consoling letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolences (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of information, love, instruction, and command. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolences and letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. This is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take their grief and joy to heart was one of the best traits in the king’s character. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son’s escape abroad - one must read these sincere letters to see to what heights of delicacy and moral sensitivity this ability to be imbued with the grief of others could raise even an unstable person. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who was then serving as a governor in Kazan, died of a fever almost in front of the Tsar’s eyes. The tsar wrote to the old father to console him, and, among other things, wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve too much, but you can’t, so as not to grieve and cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God don't make me angry." The author of the letter did not limit himself to a detailed story about the unexpected death and an abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist adding: “Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Don’t worry, but trust in God and be reliable in us.”(Klyuchevsky V. O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means not only of transmitting information, but also of expressing feelings, emotions, and assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on speech patterns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality and emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows one to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, the circle of friends and interests of the writer, and the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more an emotional assessment of the event of death than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually letters of consolation. They were often a response to a notification letter. But even if the mourner did not send a letter notifying him of the death of his relative, a consoling letter was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of remembering the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of consolation, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening of interest in the topic of death in Russian society. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious ideas, has faded into the background in secular society. The topic of death has to some extent become taboo. Along with this, the culture of condolences and sympathy was also lost; There is a void in this area. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Letters of comfort have become part of formal etiquette, but have not completely disappeared from communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, so-called “Pismovniki” began to be published to help those writing on difficult topics. These were guides for writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write and format a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, and provided samples of letters, phrases and expressions for various life situations, including cases of death, expressions of condolences. “Consolation letters” is one of the sections of letter writers that gave advice on how to support the grieving person and express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the mourner and console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a letter of consolation required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing letters of consolation in one of the 18th century letter books, “The General Secretary, or a new complete letter book.” (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
Letters of comfort “In this kind of letter, the heart must be touched and say one thing, without the help of the mind. ... You can disqualify yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no more praiseworthy habit than to console each other in sorrows. Fate inflicts so much misfortune on us that we would act inhumanely if we did not give each other such relief. When the person to whom we are writing indulges in her sadness excessively, then instead of suddenly holding back her first tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters one can use the features of moral teaching and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer to whom they are writing. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice rather than grieve over someone’s death, it is better to abandon such vivid ideas. I confess that it is not allowed to adapt to the secret feelings of their hearts in a frank manner: decency forbids this; Prudence requires in such cases to extend and leave great condolences. In other cases, one can speak more expansively about disasters that are inseparable from the human condition. In general, to say: what misfortunes does each of us not endure in this life? Lack of property forces you to work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more common than to see tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend.”

And this is what the samples of consoling letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My Empress! Not in order to appease you from your lamentation, I have the honor of writing this letter to you, for your sadness is very correct, but in order to offer you my services, and everything that depends on me, or better yet, to mourn with you in common the death of your dear husband. He was my friend and proved his friendship with countless good deeds. Judge, madam, whether I have any reason to regret him and to add my tears to your tears of our common sadness. Nothing can console my sorrow except perfect submission to God's will. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the bliss of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you too will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, you should still be consoled by his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your short-lived pleasure here. Honor him by keeping him everlasting in your memory, imagining his virtues and the love he had for you in his life. Have fun raising your children, in whom you see him come alive. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I cry for him with you, and all honest people share their pity with you, among whom he acquired love and respect for himself, so that he will never be in their memory will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my lady! Your…"

The tradition of condolences has not died in our time, when the culture of attitude towards death is in all respects similar to past centuries. Today we can still observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, of an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The awkwardness experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, and condolences transfer the topic of death to the category of undesirable, inconvenient aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably for this reason, “writers” still exist, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, in what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed. They are still called "scribes."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

About the death of a spouse

Expensive …

We deeply mourn the death... . She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only imagine what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once... She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better people. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

About the death of a parent

Expensive …

… Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thriftiness, love of life and how tenderly he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him too. I think a lot of people will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very glad if you shared your memories of your dad. Thinking about you and your family.

About the death of a child

... We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We wish we could find words to somehow ease your pain, but it’s hard to imagine if such words exist at all. The loss of a child is the most terrible grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We are praying for you.

About the death of a colleague

Example 1. I was deeply saddened by the news of (name)'s death and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and the other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep sadness at his/her passing.

Example 2. It is with deep regret that I learned about the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences for the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3. I would like to express to you our deep feelings regarding the death of Mrs.…. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4. We were deeply saddened to learn yesterday of the death of Mr...

Example 5. The news of the sudden death of Mr.... was a huge shock for us.

Example 6. We find it difficult to believe the sad news of the death of Mr...

A man has a grief. A man has lost a loved one. What should I tell him?

Hold on!

The most common words that always come to mind first are:

• Be strong!
• Hold on!
• Take heart!
• My condolences!
• Any help?
• Oh, what a horror... Well, hold on.

What else can I say? There is nothing to console us, we will not return the loss. Hold on, friend! It’s also not clear what to do next - either support this topic (what if the person is even more painful from continuing the conversation), or change it to neutral...

These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the person who has lost life has stopped and time has stopped, but for the rest - life goes on, but how could it be otherwise? It’s scary to hear about our grief, but life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with loss comes the desperate “Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?”

We should be happy!

The second group of valuable advice to the bereaved is much worse than all these endless “hold on!”

• “You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!”
• “Do you know how many infertile women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!”
• “Yes, he finally got over it! How he suffered here and that’s it – he doesn’t suffer anymore!”

I can't be happy. This will be confirmed by anyone who buried a beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Mother Adriana (Malysheva) passed away at 90. She was on the verge of death more than once, and throughout the last year she was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to take her away as soon as possible. All her friends did not see her that often - a couple of times a year at best. Most had only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we were orphaned...

Death is not something to be happy about at all.

Death is the most terrible and evil evil.

And Christ defeated it, but for now we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.

By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice in death - he cried when he heard about the death of Lazarus and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.

And “death is gain,” the Apostle Paul said to himself, and not about others, “for ME life is Christ, and death is gain.”

You are strong!

• How he holds up!
• How strong she is!
• You are strong, you endure everything so courageously...

If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry, does not groan or be killed at a funeral, but is calm and smiles, he is not strong. He is still in the most severe phase of stress. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress is passing, and he feels a little better.

There is such an accurate description in Sokolov-Mitrich’s report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:

“Several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives were traveling with us. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance cast doubt on their involvement in the tragedy: they were smiling. And when we had to push the broken bus, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the committee of soldiers’ mothers?” - I asked. “No, we are relatives.”

That evening I met military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those killed at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a grief-stricken person is called “unconscious psychological defense.” On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, upon entering the cabin, rejoiced like a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly on the plane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very bad.

“We’re going to Sasha Ruzlev... Senior midshipman... 24 years old, second compartment,” after the word “compartment,” the women began to sob. “And this is his father, he lives here, he’s also a submariner, he’s been sailing all his life.” The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. Just don’t ask him anything, please.”

Are there those who hold on well and do not plunge into this black and white world of grief? Don't know. But if a person “holds on,” it means that, most likely, he needs and will continue to need spiritual and psychological support for a long time. The worst may be ahead.

Orthodox arguments

• Thank God you now have a guardian angel in heaven!
• Your daughter is now an angel, hurray, she’s in the Kingdom of Heaven!
• Your wife is now closer to you than ever!

I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend’s daughter. A colleague - a non-church - was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who was burned out from leukemia: “Can you imagine, she said in such a plastic, harsh voice - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a beautiful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day!”

The thing here is that we, believers, really see that it is not “when” that matters, but “how”. We believe (and this is the only way we live) that sinless children and well-living adults will not lose mercy from the Lord. That it is scary to die without God, but with God nothing is scary. But this is our, in a sense, theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing a loss can himself tell a lot of things that are theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. “Closer than ever” – you don’t feel it, especially at first. Therefore, here I would like to say, “Can everything be as usual, please?”

In the months that have passed since my husband’s death, by the way, I have not heard these “Orthodox consolations” from a single priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how difficult it was, how difficult it was. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world has become black and white. What sorrow. I didn’t hear a single “finally your personal angel has appeared.”

Only a person who has gone through grief can probably say about this. I was told how Mother Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried two of her most beautiful sons within a year - Archpriest Theodore and Bishop Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there.” But only she herself could say that.

Time cures?

Probably, over time, this wound with meat throughout the soul will heal a little. I don't know that yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is nearby, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone goes on with their own lives - how could it be otherwise? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. No. The first weeks are not the most difficult. As a wise man who experienced a loss told me, after forty days you only little by little understand what place the departed person occupied in your life and soul. After a month, it stops seeming like you’ll wake up and everything will be as before. That this is just a business trip. You realize that you won’t come back here, that you won’t be here anymore.

It is at this time that you need support, presence, attention, work. And just someone who will listen to you.

There is no way to console. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the deceased. And the Lord can still comfort you.

What can I say?

In fact, it is not so important what you say to a person. What matters is whether you have experience of suffering or not.

Here's the thing. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy- We sympathize with the person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And we, in fact, cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is suitable here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this does not give us the right to say to the mother who buried her son: “I understand you.” If we do not have such experience, then your words will most likely not have any meaning for a person. Even if he listens to you out of politeness, the thought will be in the background: “But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?”

And here empathy- this is when you have compassion for a person and KNOW what he is going through. A mother who has buried a child experiences empathy and compassion, supported by experience, for another mother who has buried a child. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly, here is a living person who also experienced this. Who feels bad, just like me.

Therefore, it is very important to arrange for a person to meet with those who can show empathy towards him. Not an intentional meeting: “But Aunt Masha, she also lost a child!” Unobtrusively. Carefully tell them that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many forums online to support people experiencing loss. On the RuNet there is less, on the English-language Internet there is more - those who have experienced or are experiencing gather there. Being close to them will not ease the pain of loss, but it will support them.

Help from a good priest who has experience of loss or simply a lot of life experience. You will most likely also need the help of a psychologist.

Pray a lot for the deceased and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. You can also invite the person himself to travel to churches together to serve magpies around him and pray around him and read the psalter.

If you knew the deceased, remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed... Actually, that’s what wakes are for—to remember a person, to talk about him. “Do you remember, one day we met at a bus stop, and you had just returned from your honeymoon”….

Listen a lot, calmly and for a long time. Not comforting. Without encouraging, without asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times. Listen. Just help with the housework, with the children, with chores. Talk about everyday topics. Be near.

P.P.S. If you have experience of how grief and loss are experienced, we will add your advice, stories and help others at least a little.

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We intuitively and subconsciously understand how to behave in joyful, easy life situations and festive events. But there are events of a tragic nature - the death of a loved one, for example. Many are lost, faced with their unpreparedness for loss; for most, such events are beyond acceptance and awareness.

People experiencing loss are easily vulnerable, acutely aware of insincerity and pretense, their feelings are overwhelmed with pain, they need help to relieve it, accept it, come to terms with it, but in no case add to the pain with an accidentally thrown tactless word or incorrect phrase.

You need to be able to show increased tact and correctness, sensitivity and condescension. It is better to remain silent, showing delicate understanding, than to cause additional pain, hurt disturbed feelings, or touch nerves overloaded with emotions.

We will try to help you understand how to behave in a situation where the person next to you has suffered grief - the loss of a loved one, how to properly sympathize and choose the right words so that the person feels your support and sincere sympathy.

It is necessary to take into account the existing differences in condolences.

The form of expressing condolences for the loss will vary:

• Grandparents, relatives;
• mother or father;
• brother or sister;
• son or daughter - child;
• husband or wife;
• boyfriend or girlfriend;
• colleagues, employee.

Because the depth of experience varies.

Also, the expression of condolences depends on the severity of the grieving person’s feelings about what happened:

• Imminent death due to old age;
• imminent death due to serious illness;
• premature, sudden death;
• tragic death, accident.

But there is a main, general condition, independent of the cause of death - genuine sincerity in the expression of your grief.

The condolence itself should be short in form, but deep in content. Therefore, you need to find the most sincere words that accurately convey the depth of your sympathy and your willingness to provide support.

In this article we will provide samples and examples of various forms of expressing condolences and help you choose mournful words.

You will need:

Form and method of presentation

Condolences will have distinctive features in form and method of presentation, depending on their purpose.

Purpose:

1. Personal individual condolences to family and friends.
2. Official individual or collective.
3. Obituary in the newspaper.
4. Farewell mourning words at the funeral.
5. Funeral words at the wake: for 9 days, on the anniversary.

Serving method:

The timeliness factor is important, so the postal delivery method should only be used to send a telegram. Of course, the fastest way to offer your condolences is to use modern communication tools: email, Skype, Viber..., but they are suitable for confident Internet users, and these should be not only senders, but also recipients.

Using SMS to show sympathy and empathy is only acceptable if there are no other opportunities for contact with a person, or if the status of your relationship is distant acquaintance or formal friendly relations. Use this link to get it for different occasions.

Submission form:

In writing:

• Telegram;
• email;
• e-card;
• obituary - a mourning note in a newspaper.

In oral form:

• In a telephone conversation;
• in person.

In prose: Suitable for written and oral expression of grief.
In verse: Suitable for written expressions of grief.

Important points

All verbal condolences should be short in form.

• It is more delicate to express official condolences in writing. For this, a heartfelt verse is more suitable, to which you can choose a photo of the deceased, corresponding electronic pictures and postcards.
• Personal individual condolences must be exclusive and can be expressed either verbally or in writing.
• For the dearest and closest people, it is important to express or write sorrowful condolences in your own sincere words, not formal, which means not stereotyped.
• Since poems are rarely exclusive, exclusively yours, so listen to your heart, and it will tell you words of consolation and support.
• Not only words of condolences should be sincere, but also an offer of any help that is within your power: financial, organizational.

Be sure to mention the distinctive personal virtues and character traits of the deceased person that you would like to preserve in memory forever as an example: wisdom, kindness, responsiveness, optimism, love of life, hard work, honesty...

This will be the individual part of the condolence, the main part of which can be formulated according to the approximate model proposed in our article.

Universal mournful texts

1. “May the earth rest in peace” is a traditional ritual phrase that is said after a burial has taken place; it can be used as a condolence at a funeral service; it is suitable even for atheists.
2. “We all mourn your irreparable loss.”
3. “The pain of loss cannot be expressed in words.”
4. “I sincerely condole and sympathize with your grief.”
5. “Please accept my deepest condolences on the death of a dear person.”
6. “We will keep in our hearts the bright memory of the deceased wonderful man.”

Help can be offered in the following words:

• “We are ready to share the severity of your grief, be by your side and provide the necessary assistance to you and your family.”
• “Surely, you will need to resolve many issues. You can count on us, accept our help."

On the death of mother, grandmother

1. “The death of the closest person - mother - is an irreparable grief.”
2. “The bright memory of her will forever be in our hearts.”
3. “How much we didn’t have time to tell her during her lifetime!”
4. “We sincerely mourn and sympathize with you in this bitter moment.”
5. “Hold on! In memory of her. She wouldn't want to see you in despair."

On the death of a husband, father, grandfather

• “I offer my sincere condolences and express my deep sympathy in connection with the death of a loved one who was a reliable support for you and your family.”
• “In memory of this strong man, you must show fortitude and wisdom to survive this grief and continue what he did not finish.”
• “We will carry the bright and kind memory of him throughout our lives.”

On the death of a sister, brother, friend, loved one

1. “It is painful to realize the loss of a loved one, but it is even more difficult to come to terms with the departure of young people who have not known life. Everlasting memory!"
2. “Allow me to express my most sincere condolences on the occasion of this severe, irreparable loss!”
3. “Now you will have to become a support for your parents! Remember this and hang in there!”
4. “God help you survive and endure the pain of this loss!”
5. “For the sake of your children, their peace and well-being, you need to cope with this grief, find the strength to live and learn to look into the future.”
6. “Death does not take away love, your love is immortal!”
7. “Happy memory to a wonderful man!”
8. “He will forever remain in our hearts!”

If you are at a distance, find out via SMS. Select the appropriate message and send to the recipient.

On the death of a colleague

• “We've worked side by side for the last few years. He was an excellent colleague and example for young colleagues. His professionalism served as an example for many. You will forever remain in our memory as an example of life wisdom and honesty. May you rest in peace!”
• “Her/his dedication to her/his work earned her/him the respect and love of all who knew her/him. He/She will forever remain in my memory."
• “You were a wonderful employee and friend. How we will miss you. May you rest in peace!”
• “I can’t come to terms with the thought that you’re gone. It seems like just recently we were drinking coffee, discussing work and laughing... I will really miss you, your advice and crazy ideas.”

To the death of a believer

The text of condolences may contain the same mournful words as for a secular person, but an Orthodox Christian should add:

• Ritual phrase:

“The Kingdom of Heaven and Eternal Peace!”
"God is merciful!"

My dear, I really sympathize with your grief. My condolences... Be strong!
- Friend, I mourn your loss. I know this is a hard blow for you and your family. I offer my sincere condolences.
- A wonderful man has passed away. My condolences to you, my dear, and to your entire family at this sad and difficult moment.
“This tragedy has hurt all of us. But of course, it affected you the most. Accept my condolences.

How to condole in Islam (Muslims)?

Expressing condolences is Sunnah in Islam. However, it is undesirable for the relatives of the deceased to gather in one place to receive condolences. The main purpose of expressing condolences is to encourage people who have suffered misfortune to be patient and content with the predestination of Allah. The words that should be spoken when expressing condolences are: “May Allah grant you beautiful patience and may He forgive the sins of your deceased (your deceased).”

How to send condolences over the phone?

In the case when words of condolences are spoken over the phone, you can (but not necessarily) add briefly: “May the earth rest in peace!” If you have the opportunity to provide assistance (organizational, financial - any), then this phrase is convenient to complete your words of condolences, for example, “These days you will probably need help. I would like to be of assistance. Count on me, call me any time!”

How to deal with someone experiencing loss?

It is not necessary to grieve, cry with him, letting someone else’s suffering pass through him. You will be much more effective in your help if you act rationally and thoughtfully. One way to cope with a loss is to talk about it repeatedly. In this case, strong emotions will be reacted. You need to listen carefully to the person, answer his questions if necessary. Allowing a person to express his emotions and experiences. It could be tears, anger, irritation, sadness. You don’t make judgments, you just listen carefully and are nearby. Tactile contact is possible, that is, you can hug a person, take a hand, or sit a child on your lap.

No 5

When we are young and full of hope for the future, it is difficult to grasp the fact that death is also a part of life. Entering adulthood, we inevitably encounter it: unfortunately, our grandparents are not eternal, and younger relatives and friends are not all in good health; some of them may have an accident or die. It is impossible to come to terms with the idea that someone’s death will one day inevitably enter our lives, but sooner or later it will happen. We may not think about death at all, but if misfortune happens to one of our loved ones or friends, we need to know how to behave in these difficult days of life and how to express condolences over the death so as not to offend the feelings of those who are experiencing the worst. loss. Through our words and actions, we must help people cope with the grief that has affected their family with dignity.

How to Express Condolences for a Death

As soon as it becomes known about someone's death or accidental death, those who knew the deceased closely should come to the family that has suffered misfortune to express condolences to the relatives and offer their assistance in organizing the funeral and wake.

Even those who have not experienced how painful it is to lose a loved one can imagine what a blow it is. At such moments, you want to support someone who has suffered a truly unbearable loss, but it is very difficult to find words that could express this understanding and sympathy. Therefore, many people have a hard time expressing condolences about death. The text should not contain words such as "died", "killed" or "death". Try to avoid dryness and find some sincere comforting words. But if you still find it difficult to come up with something yourself, refer to the examples below.

How to Express in a Letter

If you learn of a death in the family of a close friend while you are away from them, send a letter of condolences. Such letters are usually written only by hand in black ink on white paper and sent in a plain white envelope. And remember that such a letter must be sent within 2-3 days after receiving news of death. If you send it later, then instead of comforting it will cause new tears.

Condolences on death, examples

“We understand how much he meant to you. It is very difficult to lose such a wonderful person. He brought us so much warmth and love. We will never forget him. We mourn with you."

“I am very sorry that he left us. I sincerely sympathize with you. If I can help you with anything, I will be very glad..."

“This tragedy causes pain to all of us. But of course, it affected you the most. My condolences. And you can always count on my help..."

“Only now, to my great regret, have I realized how unworthy all my quarrels and disagreements with this wonderful man were. I beg you to forgive me and accept my regrets and condolences.”

“It’s hard to put into words how hard it is for me right now. But you suffer much more. Let me help you somehow, to share your grief."

“His death is an irreparable loss for all of us. This is a terrible tragedy. After all, he was such a kind, loving and sympathetic person. He did so much good in his life for everyone. We will never forget him."

But remember, these are just examples to help you if you don't know how to express condolences over a death.

Real words of condolences must be sincere and come from a pure heart. Put all your compassion and love into them. Hug your relatives and shake their hands. Be sure to offer them help and support if needed. Do everything to help them recover from everything they have experienced.

In every person's life there are moments associated with the loss of loved ones, relatives or just acquaintances. And in the process of saying goodbye, despite the overwhelming feeling of loss, you need to say condolences about the death - words that are short, but succinctly composed and give everyone present the opportunity to feel the depth of the loss.

My condolences - I sincerely worry

The depth of the emotional state that accompanies loss can interfere with and limit the possibility of expressing sincere feelings. A great desire to cheer up and somehow alleviate the suffering of others often puts us in a situation where anxiety prevents us from choosing the right words, and we slip into general phrases that can sometimes even hurt. And a person in need of support and sympathy hears clumsy, formalized speech.

The sincerity of expressing condolences lies in conveying a piece of oneself to support loved ones in their time of sorrow, in consolation and empathy in the grief that has visited them. That is why the correct choice of phrases is so important - delicate, succinct, but at the same time brief.

How not to go beyond moral boundaries?

The question of the appropriateness of condolences is quite relevant. The moment of expressing sympathy is in no way inferior in importance to words. Almost every person who needs to express their participation in grief tends to think about the timeliness of seeking support and the perception of his words. Lack of experience, fear of seeing the face of death, strained relationships with the deceased do not add decisiveness and only aggravate the situation. The person is lost and simply does not know how to behave.

Ignorance of etiquette norms in such cases gives rise to many questions:

• When can I call?
• Is it better to write or come directly yourself?
• Should I offer condolences before or after the funeral?

Despite the inner turmoil, you need to show up or call if there is a strong feeling that this is necessary, as well as confidence that support will ease the person’s suffering and help him get through a difficult period. Even if the deceased was not the best friend, words of encouragement will help loved ones, and support is very necessary, including from strangers, when a person is grieving, lonely and requires protection. Excessive shyness is unacceptable.

Read also:

Sincerity and the desire to help and support in difficult times are important, and if condolences are received coldly, obligations to one’s own conscience will still be fulfilled. If misfortune has come to the home of a loved one, you need to call or meet immediately as soon as the sad news is received. You can express solidarity in grief to your acquaintances in the first days after the funeral. Late offering of condolences for a death requires a monosyllabic justification. The mourners need this.

It is worth saying that you should not say words of condolences about death in poetry, even briefly. It is better to leave versification for the epitaph, and in the hours of farewell to the deceased, poetry will be inappropriate.

Formal phrases should be avoided. Using them will make the speaker appear callous to the bereaved person. Let's look at common mistakes:

• You should not make a grieving person feel guilty about his condition by telling him to calm down, stop grieving, or shed tears, as these will give him confidence that his loss is not appreciated.
• There is no need to express condemnation of the deceased by saying that something should not have been done, since it caused death. Death absorbs all mistakes, both obvious and not.
• Don't minimize the cost of loss. A person who has lost a loved one cannot be deprived of the right to mourn the deceased.
• Don’t make comparisons with someone else’s experience of a similar loss, even with yourself. These words can only cause irritation, because nothing compares to personal sadness for a deceased loved one.
• Do not inquire about the circumstances or reasons that led to the loss. There is no place for this in grief.
• In moments of farewell, there is no need to be distracted by extraneous topics.

Often, even a silent presence will be enough, since in moments of trouble and sorrow we all need support and sympathy. Being left alone with grief is very difficult and simply unbearable.

How to find the right words when writing a condolence message?

Expressing your feelings and finding the right words is difficult. However, such demonstrations of love and respect can bring great comfort to those who are grieving. Letters of condolence are often kept for many years and read over and over again. The purpose of their writing is to express respect for the deceased and support the mourners. Such a letter should come from the heart and be quite brief, containing personal memories of the deceased, expressed simply and sincerely.

Offer your help and support. You need to be specific and not make promises that you cannot keep. Express your condolences to other family members as well. The letter should end with an expression of love and support.

Below is an example of writing a condolence letter to a colleague's wife:

“Dear [Name].

I am so sorry to hear about the tragic death of your husband. [Name] was an inspiration to everyone who knew him, and the news of his death has left us devastated. I understand how you must feel. Of our entire team, he was the most experienced and diligent employee, while maintaining natural modesty. Many of our achievements are directly related to the activities of [Name]. He will be greatly missed by his colleagues and friends. My thoughts are with you and your family. With deepest condolences. [Name]".

• “When we lose a loved one here on earth, we gain an angel in heaven who always sees us. Can you find comfort in the fact that you have an angel watching over you right now? We/I offer our/my deepest condolences.”
• “A person who leaves this earth does not really go anywhere because he is still alive in our hearts and minds. Please accept my/our condolences and know that he/she will not be forgotten."
• “May our Lord bless and comfort you and your family in this time of sorrow. Please accept my/our sincere condolences."
• “Please accept our/my condolences and just know that we/I are always here for you and please feel free to ask for any help, especially during this difficult time.”
• “I/we cannot even imagine how you are feeling right now, but would like to offer our prayers and condolences to you and your family.”
• “During this difficult time in your life, may my/our sympathy and sincere condolences help you.”
• “I/we express to you our/our most sincere condolences and sorrow.”
• “During this difficult time in your life, we/I ask God to give you the strength you need to get through this trial. Know that you are in our/my thoughts and prayers."